Old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2450507#Post2450507I'm chasing some advice from the vets here. I feel I've got a pretty good handle on things and a potentially touchy subject has come up. My brother's wedding is on the other side of the country next February and my brother asked if my kids could be a part of the ceremony. My wife and I were happy with this and we plan on going across together. She said she was only going to the wedding to watch the kids and with things the way they were at the time I ignored it as who knows where our relationship would be in 12 months time?
Lately, my wife appears to be thawing with me. We had a fantastic day together last Thursday, I did something nice for her on Friday just because I had a thought and not to get anything out of it (she appreciated it), and last night we watched TV together for the first time in months and shared some small talk and laughs. She's also started doing little things for me again, like making me coffee without asking if I want one rather than getting one only for herself. They're positive baby steps and I'm not getting ahead of myself. She's still very much doing her own thing.
While we were watching TV, my wife researched flights and we discussed planning the trip to lock in dates and prices. I think it's a good idea as things can change pretty quickly. We still have eight months before the wedding so we have some time up our sleeve. Where my problem is is that I won't be going to the wedding pretending to be a happy family when we aren't. Either she attends because we're a family who has problems that we're working through or I take the kids myself and my wife has her own holiday or doesn't come at all.
Is it worth bringing up now so we can plan accordingly or is there merit in leaving it and seeing how our relationship evolves?
Barry,
I think i would leave it. By then , you will have a better idea of where you guys are and can act accordingly at that time. Bringing it up now is adding unnecessary pressure to the situation.
Thanks cat. That was my gut feeling so I must be learning something.
These week-apart updates are starting to become regular now. Not much is changing really. My wife and I are doing our own things under the same roof and I'm enjoying it. Sure, I look forward to the days when there may be a relationship as well. I'm in a good place at the moment though. I've been off work most of last week due to the flu and my wife has been excellent helping me with ideas to try and beat it. She even asked if I'd be fine with the kids one night which was nice.
Through the week we attended mediation for D4. I wasn't permitted to be a part of it so I ran some errands and caught up with my wife and solicitor in the breaks. Nothing substantial was achieved and yet my wife was reasonably happy with how things went as our solicitor was very supportive of her.
This week my MIL has traveled the country to stay with us. It's been an interesting couple of days so far and definitely testing my patience. She's a nice person but she's nosey, a bit of a know it all, a hypochondriac and self-centred. She also has a habit of telling you all sorts of things noone is interested in. My wife joked tonight that she was going to kill her before the week is out so I'm not the only one who is feeling irritated. As much as we appreciate my MIL coming to visit, it's business as usual for my wife and I with work, kids and house.
The cross-country trip next February has been a bit of a hot topic. My wife and MIL have been discussing it and my wife has been throwing ideas my way. I've received and responded to her ideas as appropriate yet I still feel uncomfortable with the idea of booking a trip while not knowing if we'll be a family then or not. As much as my wife has made no movement towards me, things between us have been positive and friendly, and it feels like we're a family, just without the relationship. My wife even appears to be treating the holiday as a family holiday, despite the uncertainty about our relationship. My wife discovered a sale on airfares today that would save us $1000 on flights plus several hundred dollars in fuel, accommodation and lost wages. Needless to say, we're going to have to make some quick decisions to save a substantial amount of money.
That escalated things a little. For me, I feel that I'll have to address the uncertainty sooner as I want to be up front with my wife about our presence at the wedding. As I mentioned last week, I don't want to pretend to be a happy family if we're not a family. At the same time, I REALLY don't want to push my wife as things are quite good between us at the moment and I'd like to let things grow rather than force an outcome. I overheard my MIL asking questions about our sleeping arrangements in February and my wife said "it's only June. I don't know." I'm looking for accommodation near the wedding where we have the option of sleeping together or in separate rooms. While visiting my wife's family however, my wife intends on having us stay at MIL's house which could pose some logistical challenges with potentially separated parents and three children between two rooms.
All in all, as I said earlier, it feels like we're getting on with family life, and my wife and I are getting along well, just without the relationship.
B,
Act "as-if" nothing is wrong.....You are a family, albeit a broken one at the moment. In the end though, you are still a family and should do family things together.
Also an outside way of looking at the wedding....You investing in tickets to go is like you investing in the relationship with her. Investing in a relationship builds trust and security....Something she currently lacks in you.
Act "as-if"....buy the tickets and build trust.
Remove your wants for a second and review the big picture....The answer is there for you to see.
Thanks LFW. Nice to see you in here again. I hope your health is alright.
My wife shared some thoughts with me today. She's done some reading and (her words) she feels like she's coming out of the fog. She sensed my anxiety about the trip and we discussed it briefly. She wants to go anyway and cross the relationship bridge when we get to it. In a nutshell, she wants to do what you've suggested. I feel better getting it off my chest and I feel we're on the same page. As she said, there are no promises but she's all in for a family holiday whether she's at the wedding or not, whether we're together or not.
In other news, my MIL's visit was cut short tonight. She felt unwelcome here and decided to leave. My MIL has stepped on everyone's toes and played the victim card, usual for her, and my wife and I have done our best not to reward her behaviour. This morning she continued the behaviour. I was dead tired, focused on getting the kids ready for the day and I wasn't in the mood for her impatience and neediness and I snapped at her. My MIL brought it up this evening and my wife supported me, telling her mother she has been childish, so she left before I got home. It's days like today that I'm thankful for coming across DB as I've learned that I am responsible for my own behaviour and happiness and I have only achieved happiness by taking responsibility for myself rather than continuing to blame my wife, dad, whoever. My MIL is a nice person (in small doses) and I sincerely hope she sees the light before it's too late.
Things are moving on well or you Barry! I do look forwards to seeing how well.
My wife appears to be exploring her own mind and heart and including me in her thoughts without committing to anything or getting my hopes up. I don't blame her as I've put her through a lot. The funny part is, I feel good about myself regardless of what my wife is thinking and I'm enjoying my wife's company without the pressure of a relationship. Of course, I still want my wife as my wife long term. I just feel that I'm getting a picture of what a new, improved relationship with two independent people looks like. Still no intimacy but far more communication and teamwork.
Those are baby steps.
Good for you
Another eight days since an update. It's been a different week here with a little more action in my world. I started my university orientation this week and I'll begin going over coursework in preparation for the start of lectures next week. The local soccer team is also desperate for players and I've put my hand up seeing as it fits in with my schedule. I'm still recovering from the flu but I've been able to work this past week which has been good for me and my hip pocket.
On the wife front, things are progressing slowly. We've spent more time together as a family rather than in separate living areas. Still doing our own things but I'm on hand if she has a thought or question. We booked our flights for the wedding next year and we're looking at accommodation to cover all scenarios. She is speaking about family issues from a "we" perspective rather than an "I/you" manner. This includes finances which has been a hot topic this week with the wedding as well as impending legal costs for D4 and our cars.
This morning, W asked if we got back together whether a baby was on the cards. I told her that prior to our separation, I didn't value her thoughts and feelings and that I brushed aside what she wanted (car and baby) because I felt they would cripple us. I told her that I should have worked from an "how can we make this work" perspective rather than shutting her down. I also said I'm working from the perspective that if we got back together that baby number four is inevitable. She's making no promises and any baby is a while of yet. Prior to this mornings conversation she has discussed baby names and birth control with me. So she appears to be working through things in her mind at the moment.
Still no physical intimacy though we have been physically closer recently, not touching but in each other's space without awkwardness, and there has been a lot of communication and teamwork with some smiles and laughs along the way.
I bought her flowers a couple of days ago which she hasn't acknowledged. No biggie there as I bought them to cheer her up after some rough news. Not quite DB-friendly but my intentions were pure and my conscience was clear. And a couple of dollars go to the Heart Foundation so it's a bonus.
All in all I'm feeling good. A little overwhelmed by what lies ahead with uni but good. I have really wanted to hug my wife a couple of times this week with some of the things that have popped up but I've kept myself in check and dealt with any negative feelings on my own. I'm looking forward to uni and soccer and I'll keep organising our trip next year as well.
Sounds like you are making progress and seem to have a pretty good handle on your actions. Keep it up.
Good stuff Barry. It does look very positive.
Keep being the changes you want to see in the world B....:)
Nice Barry, you're a total pro at this!
Maybe one day, mdu. I'm fortunate enough to have had some good, patient people working with me and an amazing wife who had the courage to stand up for herself and call me out on my sh!t. I still have a long road ahead
Ahhh, tax time. What better way to be reminded that you have no idea what the hell is happening with your relationship. My wife has started to gather information for her taxes and with it has come the questions about how we declare our relationship. I have no clue. As far as I'm concerned, we're separated, there's no time limit on it but it's not forever so I'm happy to keep all of our affairs as they are. My feeling is that why change everything now and then have to do it again in 12-24 months time. Of course, there is no guarantee that we'll reconcile and changing info back may be a non-issue but it's a nice little curveball nonetheless.
My plan is to work out our taxes based on both situations, separated and married. I don't know that we'll be affected either way and my wife will have an opportunity to see both scenarios and make her own decision. She did ask me how we go about it and honestly, I don't think it's something I can help her with other than what I stated above. I'll roll with the punches, lodge my return when I can and get on with life.
Journaling:
Just an update here. It's been a pretty big week here. Massive actually. Things had been progressing steadily and my family have been spending most of our time together in the main living area rather than in separate rooms. Still doing our own thing, in particular, me doing my uni work, but together nonetheless. We've still been sleeping in separate rooms and intimacy had been still eluding us.
On Tuesday, my wife and I headed out of town to see our solicitor after more unsavoury behaviour from D4's bio-Dad's wife. What started as talking about babies and popping into a transportable home manufacturer's site before our solicitor appointment turned into a phone call later in the day to find out my wife's company had gone into administration and she'd be out of a job in 8-10 weeks, followed by popping into real estate agents and looking through that town's local paper for jobs in the area.
My wife has worked so hard to get her store to the place that it is and recently she achieved a number 4 ranking in the entire company of sales compared to costs. Not bad for a town of only a few thousand people. Needless to say, she's devastated and her mind has been in a spin. It has galvanised us though and she's been talking in terms of "we" and "us" with regards to the next step and the baby and house talks are still present. Pet names have reappeared in spurts and we've spent a LOT of time talking about where we go from here in terms of jobs, location, etc but not talking about our relationship directly. Twice, she's asked me to join her in her bed and I've joined her once and missed her message the other time. She's also not shied away from me touching her though she hasn't gone out of her way to touch me herself other than when she wanted comforting in bed.
The past few days have been tough on her and I've tried to keep things light and positive and asked questions about what she wants to do, where she wants to go, etc. There may be a major job opportunity in our town which would be a massive bonus for her and us if she were to get it. She's spoken to the store manager already and he's discussed the position with her privately and advised her on the path to follow. Not only would the job keep us in town, it would improve our her/our financial position significantly and take a lot of pressure off, especially since the legal fees as well as making arrangements to go to my brother's wedding next February have hit us hard.
Since her meeting with her potential new boss yesterday, she's been more upbeat and the thoughts she's expressed to me about her plans have been more positive. She's told me she wants to be "up the duff" (pregnant) by the end of next year and we found two boxes of pregnancy tests in the back dock of her store and I jokingly told her to put them on our pile of stuff to buy so she did.
I did inadvertently put my foot in it last night by talking about our options (stay in town living off my wage or move out of town and both of us find new jobs) with family when they visited last night. My wife was concerned about their reaction though I don't recall her explicitly asking me not to talk about anything other than the potential job she has lined up. Moving away has been a touchy subject and I've pulled no punches this time as feeding our family comes first. As it turned out, my wife would have preferred I hadn't mentioned any of it so I'll take that into account moving forward.
On my side of the street, my boss has juggled a family on one income so she understands my predicament (get more hours or find a job out of town). As I've been employed to take over from her, if I leave, my boss will have to stay in town she she has offered me more hours in order to support my family, which I appreciate.
So it's been a fairly stressful week here and it's not about to end anytime soon. My wife has been told her store will be closing in four weeks so she will be working most-to-every day until the store closes so I will be working my own hours, keeping up with my uni study and manning the fort at home with the kids and cleaning until things start to clear up a bit.
Journaling:
Some good things are happening for my wife and I'd love to share it but I feel Facebook isn't the place for it just yet. Last week, my wife was told her store was closing thereby making her redundant. My wife and her staff have done an amazing job promoting sales in the past week that they have obliterated all other stores in the company and their reward is that their store closure will come forward by one week, reducing their potential incomes by one week's wages. Her area manager is coming to town next week and her gut feeling is that her store closure will come forward another week meaning two weeks of lost wages.
That's the bad news. The good news is all the other stuff that is happening. My wife has a strong resume and has an amazing personality. She is also very popular in our town which has been instrumental in drumming up her recent sales as well as the opportunities that have started to present themselves. My wife is being considered for three different jobs and is still waiting a response about another three that she has submitted her resume for.
Two of the jobs are in our town. Our preference is to stay here and it is appearing as though that may happen. Her preferred job is next door to her current one for a major supermarket chain. Her pay would increase by over 50%, there are amazing perks and there are opportunities for advancement. The biggest bonus is that it would keep us in town and we'd be able to set ourselves up properly.
Option number two came up just under an hour ago. My wife received a call from the owner of the building her store resides in to inform her that he was going to be visiting the store next week. Apparently, three businesses have expressed interest in taking over the lease and all three will need a store manager, for which my wife will be the natural replacement. The big bonus here is that not only could my wife save her job but save the jobs of the main people that have helped her in her current role. The downside is that she feels there will be a backlash from the community if a similar store takes over and the current staff are retained.
Option number three is in a town two hours away. There are a lot of downsides to this: moving, both of us finding new jobs, my son's schooling, loss of our support network, greater living expenses. It's a big move. There are many upsides though in that if either of us falls out of work again, jobs are readily available to the both of us. With my uni degree, I could more easily find work experience and employment. The town is bigger, there are more facilities and we'd be closer to entertainment, the coast and an airport if we choose to holiday. There are also more housing options. Plus, my wife has a friend over in that town. What appeared to be the most likely scenario last week is now only the third best scenario for us but we're keeping our eyes open for jobs and houses in this area just in case.
So the reason I wanted to post to Facebook was to express my excitement about my wife's excitement about the possibilities. Each situation is only in its infancy but the job market isn't that strong here and candidates are reluctant to move to our area. Someone of my wife's experience just doesn't stay unemployed in our area. Hearing the excitement in her voice made me very happy and she told me she had goosebumps talking to the owner of the building of her current store. Her confidence that we will stay in town appears to be sky high and I know how important that is to her. Just last Tuesday, we were out of town looking at transportable homes as a housing option only to be called about the store closure later in the day. To go through the past week and come out the other side feeling as though we can not only stay in town but have a better future is an amazing boon for us.
Relationship wise, things are still developing slowly. My wife has called me almost immediately upon every development at work, from potential employers or where our daughter's bio Dad is concerned. She has shown me things she's looked at (houses, jobs) and discussed everything from a "we" or "us" perspective. Still no intimacy outside of the two times she asked me to join her in bed but everything between us is light and together. I have felt myself get a little antsy because I'd love to move things forward a bit. At the same time, I feel kind of awkward about it because things have developed naturally and it feels right that way.
Right now, I'm hoping that my wife can find the employment that she wants and that she can get back to a normal life as soon as possible. The next 2-4 weeks will be stressful from her current job with some excitement thrown in from potential employers. After that, hopefully she'll be in a new job and she'll feel more secure about the future.
Now that is a good update......You have done a good job B!!!
So far so good. I can feel myself getting a little impatient and at the same time, I feel I have the tools to get myself in check and remind myself what I need to do. I did temperature check the other day and she's been a little off with me since but I feel that's more because of what is going on at work rather than a lack of desire for me. I do feel that the bed invites were more about her feeling vulnerable than any attraction for me though I also know that those invites wouldn't have happened if I hadn't changed.
I've wanted to ask her to join me in bed when she's ready but in a matter of fact, "great if you do, fine if you don't" way but I haven't really "felt" it so I haven't done it.
I accidentally called her "babe" the other day and I've touched her a few times without any thought and she doesn't back away or tell me off so while she's not reaching out, I know we're making progress.
Baby steps....It didn't take a day to get here, nor will it take a day to make things better.
The key is your are realizing you emotions before the become an issue....Old B definitely did not do that.
Yeah. It's definitely an eye opener when I think back to how things were. Still a long way to go but it's amazing how much clarity can be gained through this process.
A better you is quite the thing to gain....Just saying.
Journaling:
As good as things have been recently, I've felt negative feelings coming back such as expectation, jealousy and overattachment. I've gone with the flow, done my own thing and left my wife to her devices and supported her when she's needed it and so far things have improved. Since the night she invited me to her bed though, I've been on a bit of a rollercoaster emotionally.
The positives are still there: a sense of togetherness (without the actual relationship), constant communication about everything other than relationship/feelings, she hasn't shied away when I've touched her, lots of smiling and some laughs. She still talks about babies and houses and even mentioned yesterday about using money she's expecting to come in to pay off "our" credits cards, as opposed to paying only hers off and letting me sort mine out.
I felt the night she invited me to her bed was a turning point and I've fought with negative feelings ever since. That was the day she was told her store was closing and she'd be out of a job. Having been out of town that day to visit our solicitor, we also had the stress of that situation and the financial hit legal fees were taking on us. She felt vulnerable, reached out to me and I supported her by just being there. We ML the following morning for the first time in months and as natural as it felt, it was the physical closeness of waking up with her and hugging her that I felt was the turning point. I felt as if she was starting to commit physically what she had been starting to commit to verbally, even though relationship stuff would have to take a back seat to finding work and closing her current store.
Since then, I've found myself analysing things more, something I know I shouldn't be doing and have reasonably successfully fought off only for the thoughts to come back later. A couple of night later, she invited me to her bed again however I was asleep and didn't join her. I haven't received an invite since. I started pursuing again and I felt her pull away slightly though the communication and future plans talk was still present. I managed to back off and I've been trying to find that fine line between support and pursuit since. Just a couple of nights ago, I gave her a back rub and she enjoyed it so much she invited me to keep doing it until I started putting her to sleep.
The expectation and jealousy parts are the worst though. Since everything has gone down, one of the things I realised was that we never did anything socially together. I said a long time ago I didn't want to go out with her and her friends and she's not invited me out since our early days of dating. I understand now that a healthy relationship will involve her having her own friends and activities and me joining in on some. The most obvious one from a social standpoint is joining her and her friends at the pub/bar if the opportunity presents itself, which it hadn't until last night.
My wife has made plans with friends and I've longed for an invite. It's silly thinking about it but that's how I've felt. The thought has made me feel better about joining the local soccer team as I'll have my own social outlet. I feel that much of my jealousy and expectation isn't so much about wanting to have her do things with me instead of other people but more about her doing things with her friends and me not having friends to do things with, something that I hope to rectify starting with soccer.
An opportunity did come up last night, very unexpectedly. My wife went out with friends while I sat at home alone. It sucked but I had dealt with these nights better prior to the past couple of weeks. My wife did ask me to drop her and her friends off and pick them up and take them home again which has been a new development as previously, she would do everything possible to not have to rely on me: no drink and take her own car, leave her car at a friend's place, or even stay at a friend's place. Last night, I got the call, went to pick them up and wound up picking up several others who invited
me me out too.
I wasn't sure how to respond but I was up for it and I ran it past my wife when I had the chance. Now, I understand now that my life is my life and I'll do what I want. This was a new situation and I didn't want to rain on her parade. It was her night and I would be intruding upon it. She was OK with me hanging around so I did. We didn't really do anything together; she was talking to people and I was standing around talking to whoever came my way (she's a social butterfly whereas I'm someone who is happy to watch the party). She was within earshot for much of the night though and our marriage came up within the group (from others, not us) and rather than play it down, she acknowledged that we were married and answered questions that were asked.
It turned out to be a good night. I decided I had had enough by 2:30am and wanted to head home in preparation for the next day. My wife wanted to stay which I was apprehensive about given her state and the plethora of young men who had flocked to her but I've learned that I have to trust her as much as she has to trust me. That and her life is her life and she's not gone outside our marriage as I did, despite how popular she is and how I've treated her in the past. I left and she told me she would message me when she wanted to come home. I told her initially I'd be asleep but then told her to call me when she was done as it was below freezing, she was drunk and it was quite a walk back to our house. I drove my wife's friend home and voiced my dilemma (let my wife figure out how she's getting home versus going back to pick her up) to which she validated my feeling and supported me picking my wife up given the weather and distance.
So on to today and I feel a little lost and I know I have to work through the negative feelings and detach better. My wife and I are heading to the same town today but not together. I play my first soccer game and my wife is heading over to see people from the same store as her but in that town. She's not interested in sport so she isn't coming to watch me play. She's also going out again tonight while I'll be sitting at home alone again. I work at 6am tomorrow and after going to bed at 4:30am this morning, I may be in for an early night around dinner, laundry and TV.
So this one's been a bit of a long one. As I mentioned recently, I feel I have the tools to deal with these negative feelings better and perhaps I need to back off for myself more than for my wife. Overall, things are still progressing with my wife and I feel there will be a lot of interesting situations to navigate as we build our relationship. We'll see how we go anyway
B,
You are fighting with the switch from DB'ing dimness to working on a relationship again. It is difficult....You spent a good period of time shutting down your relationship part of your person while working on yourself. You need to fight those negative feelings and realize them for what they are....Part of the process my friend.
First.....No expectations and go with the flow. This will help you, remember it.
Going out with her friends- This is totally ok my man. You are not infringing on her social circle and personal time. She invited you which means she wanted you to spend time with her. In the past you said you did not want to spend time with her friends. So let me ask you this....How does it feel that she doesn't go to your game? Now that you asked yourself that....You joining her and her friends is a much bigger deal than the soccer game. Another thing for your personally....hanging out with her friends could be part of new B and opposite what old B would have been done. In the end it isn't about you socializing a ton with her friends or even her....It is purely about you being there where she wanted you to be.
The ride home- Very simply...no dilemma....Do what is right!! The right thing to do was to go back and get her. If you are there for her...her rock...her hero...You would be there.
Thanks LFW.
This was the period where I fell over before. At least this things are moving a lot slower and it's a good test for my patience to be able to recognise a feeling and work through it properly rather than letting it linger. It feels that recently I've had a flood of them because of last week so I've had to fight them off a bit.
As for her friends, my wife didn't invite me out, a third party did. That's why I wasn't sure about what to do. I was sitting at home studying and playing games while she was out with her friends. When I went to pick my wife and her friends up, more people got into the car and they told me they were going to an after party and suggested I came. I was up for it but I wasn't sure about it since it was my wife's thing, hence running it by her. If my wife invites me it'll be a no-brainer; go if I want to, stay if I want to stay.
As for the soccer, I'm disappointed that she didn't want to come to my game. At the same time, she doesn't like sport and I don't expect to see her there ever as the games are an hour out of town and one of my new teammates happens to be her first serious boyfriend, something she remarked about when I mentioned playing soccer to get out of the house and meet new people. This guy is married with kids so there are no issues there and being a small town everyone is connected in some way which means I'll run into an ex-boyfriend or two along the way so it's no big deal to me. I grew up in a family who did EVERYTHING together which I understand isn't healthy though it shaped my expectations about family and support. If my wife did something I would love to go and support her and I would like the same in return. I do know my wife though and I genuinely feel it would be a surprise if she watched me play one day.
The ride home - I do feel good about my decision. Putting it like "do what is right" makes me feel better about things. I knew it was the right thing to do at the time; I was unsure because I have had to let go and learn to let her fend for herself when she gets into these situations and usually I'm not around so it's as simple as go to bed and see her when I see her. She didn't have a house key so I had to wake up anyway. It made more sense to me to just go and get her because of how cold it was and how far she and her friend would have had to walk.
Just a bit of journaling to finish:
My wife and I got to bed at 4:30am yesterday and woke at 8am so I knew I was in for a long day. I was supposed to be leaving the house after midday to go to soccer and my wife had plans also. I didn't feel like going but I went anyway and I'm glad I did. I played a full game and it was fun. I'm very unfit but it was fun. I need to prioritise going to the gym again which I've had trouble doing around work, gym opening hours and justifying paying the babysitter.
I managed to get home in one piece and my wife asked about my game which was a pleasant surprise. She has asked about me more recently which was something she stopped doing altogether in the midst of separation. She had been shopping for the kids, showed me what she got, told me about a gift idea for a friend of hers who is having a baby and gave me a gift too of notepad stickers to use to bookmark pages in my uni books. It was only cheap but very thoughtful of her and also something different.
She was still feeling ill from the night before so she stayed in. I read some of my uni book while chatting with her then went into the other room when football started, folding laundry as I watched. My wife asked if I wanted to watch a movie and not being too into the football despite my team playing, I decided I would go back into the room she was in and watch a movie with her. There haven't been too many invites to do things and though the kids spend a fair bit of time with other family, my wife and I don't have a lot of time to spend together alone, and she hasn't expressed much interest in doing things together in the past few months, so I like to spend time with her when she expresses an interest in doing so.
It's back to the grind today as I start work at 6am. My wife has the house to herself which she'll enjoy. I'll see the kids sometime after work and it'll be back to the usual routine tonight, chasing kids and trying to get some more reading done.
Journaling:
Tax time is here and now I have all my information I can submit it and put a dent in the credit card debt. It'll put a fair hole in it so hopefully I'll be able to clear the rest soon. My wife is also due a refund and to complicate things between us, she can get back an additional $600 by declaring we are separated. Since we've both recently taken a hit financially that $600 appears more attractive to her than a relationship. I can deal with that part thankfully.
With my wife losing her job soon, she called this morning to find out her options regarding receiving unemployment benefits when she's out of work. Apparently, the government rejected her application for more money by declaring our separation. When she's out of work that means I'll be supporting her. No biggie. Despite our separation, I've decided to live my life as a married man and that means supporting my family. She wants to stay in town so it'll put a further strain on my finances and I still feel confident about her chances of finding work here. During and after her call, she told me the situation and questioned how she is supposed to prove that she is supporting herself when she will have to "rely on" me. I didn't know how to validate that. To me, it was an insult. I know I'm doing the right thing for our family and at the same time things like this make me wonder why I bother.
I'll just keep on keeping on. Things are stagnant at the moment and yet I know they've moved in a positive direction. I may have to back off again for my own sanity and with recent events, I need to get my mind under control. We'll see how we go.
Journaling:
So the theme of the day is our finances and what happens to them once my wife loses her job. I believe she will find work and I get the impression that her confidence that she will find work has been shaken. Tonight, I came home and she wanted to know our expenses as we would have to join our finances back together. This wasn't a positive. My wife appeared very frustrated that she would have to rely on me and calculating our expenses appeared to make her more disappointed and angry. She told me what she could expect to receive from the government once she was out of work and also made an off-the-cuff remark about how much she would receive if she moved out, a figure over double what she would receive staying at home.
This morning and tonight have angered me. I've kept it to myself and tried to help my wife where I can, finding the numbers and answering her questions. I feel very disrespected by her though. She chose to separate our finances months ago and now that she is losing her job, she appears to expect that I will pay her bills. Don't get me wrong, I've chosen to live my life as a married man and to me that entails supporting my wife, regardless of what she feels about our relationship. I feel it is the right thing to do and I will do it. After tonight though, I feel that I need to voice my feelings 1) because I am angry and voicing my feelings is something I didn't do enough previously; 2) because I feel a little used. Things have been moving forward and I don't appreciate that she would consider going through the torment of dealing with government agencies over the support from her husband; and 3) because I've struggled for months trying to make ends meet, curbing my spending and increasing my debt because I was left in a position where I couldn't support my own life and now she won't be able to support her own life.
I know there's a boundary there somewhere. I also feel that I've done the right thing so far by supporting my family and that doing so moving forward is the right thing to do regardless of what she thinks or feels. I am conflicted right now and I've decided to sleep on it. I work early tomorrow morning and I have some time at home by myself through the day so I'll have a good 12 hours to process and digest things before expressing my feelings.
If nothing else, it cements my thought earlier that I will need to back off. She appears to be in a negative frame of mind and my presence hasn't helped during these times before. On the plus side, I see two positives: either my wife will find work and her mood will improve or her presence at home will create more flexibility for myself to be able to go back to the gym and catch up on my uni studies. As upset as I feel at the moment, I am going to keep looking at the positives.
Is the boundary somewhere around WHAT you will financially support? For instance, you'll make sure the lights are kept on and there's food in the fridge but not going to be giving her spending money to go out to bars with friends.
Obviously up to you but that was what came to mind for me so I thought I'd toss out there..
It's more about her attitude. ie. if she wants my support then appreciate it and if she doesn't want my support then that's OK. I just didn't appreciate the whole "i have to do this" tone in her voice. I get that having to rely on me when she doesn't want to is a burden that she doesn't want. I shouldn't have to be made to feel that I am a burden though. We either work together or we don't. It's about respect.
As it is, she expressed some thoughts to me after she went to bed and I validated. She felt that I was "in a mood" and made her feel as though giving her the expenses I had was a chore of sorts. I sat on it for a while and decided to express my feelings in return and by then she had fallen asleep. She'll see what I've had to say this morning. I've reviewed what I've said and I feel good about it. I've basically said that I'm there for her but she's shown that she doesn't need me and she has options other than me. I've also said to show me some respect if she does use my support.
I look at it this way. As a father and husband it is my responsibility to take care of my family. That means my kids, my wife, and if anything is left, me. Your kids will always be your kids. Your wife does not want to be your wife anymore. She wants out of your family. Part of being out of your family means she drops on your priority list. That is not punishment that is just the reality of family vs non family.
Absolutely and I understand that. I've chosen to support my wife as I want to be someone who supports their family, even when times are bad. It was a conscious decision made with the fantastic help of the members here and despite this latest setback, I stand by it. I had some epiphanies today that helped me understand my decisions and future actions better.
A couple of days ago, when my wife's mood changed, she received an email from a potential employer that effectively said she would go in a queue. Her would-be boss advised her to contact the area manager, which she did and the response she received made her question whether she would actually get the position. She's been down and our interactions have suffered ever since. On top of that, we're trying to do our tax and she can receive more money on her tax return by declaring our separation than by not doing so. Lastly, she discovered yesterday that even by declaring our separation, she would not receive any extra family assistance payments unless she moved out. These issues have really brought money, our relationship and separation and her independence to the front of her mind.
She said something this morning about the last time she was out of work and had to rely on me financially. She mentioned that it didn't go well (it didn't), that she was negative and depressed (she was) and that she is trying to avoid those feelings this time. I didn't catch on at first but her most recent memory of this situation is that she had no independence and I controlled her through money. I feel that she fears this will happen again.
My wife told me last night and this morning that she had no choice but to rely on my income. I told her both times that she was strong and intelligent and that she did have a choice how she moved forward. Whilst I know she has a choice in how she handles her situation, I missed the point that she feels trapped. Once I realised this I apologised for dismissing her feelings.
My wife appears to not consider leaving as an option. Things were fine up until a couple of days ago and this is the first real test for us since I have been through this journey. I understand, as much as it feels unfair, that my role is to continue to support her emotionally when she needs it, listen to and validate her feelings and not jump in and solve her problems. I feel that despite the potentially shaky ground we're entering, I feel pretty confident that I can navigate it now that I understand her fear.
Journaling:
I played my second game of soccer today. It was a good run but my team got belted. The other team showed good teamwork and strategy and our defence were sitting ducks with our midfielders lagging behind the play. I've had a run in defence both weeks and I've enjoyed it as I'm no playmaker and I'm pretty unfit so it's a good spot to be able to read the play and rather than overstressing my body because I don't know who is where and find myself behind the play.
One interesting thing that came up prior to my first game was that my wife's first serious boyfriend plays for the soccer team. It was in high school and he's now married with kids of his own so the only issue would be of a sentimental nature in my wife's mind. He's a nice guy and I don't foresee any issues. There was another guy on my team who bore an uncanny resemblance to the potential OM from the beginning of this year. He also had the same name. Funnily enough, I was playing alongside him last week and he was directing play helping me with where to go, etc. This week, someone asked me who I had met on the team (some new faces emerged) and I rattled them off but I didn't know this guy's last name but I knew potential OM's last name. Turns out it's him. So not only is my wife's first serious boyfriend on the team but so is the guy my wife considered dating at the start of this year.
Several months ago this would have been a freak out for me. Today, I'm actually amused by it. My wife made a remark about not getting too close to the soccer guys, mentioning the first boyfriend but not potential OM. It's my thing and being a small town, I'm going to run into people who have a connection with my wife. At the end of the day, I'm there to get fit and meet people and I'm enjoying myself. I understand the comment and it will be something to address when the time is right, not for the sake of knowing but understanding any concerns she has and hopefully making her more comfortable to be able to come and support me when she feels up to it (probably not until next season).
On the job front, she received an email from another potential employer saying she was "under consideration". This perked her up immensely and she's back to the positive woman she has been recently. She has also been talked up by the person who owns the building her store is in as whoever takes over the lease is going to need a team to run the new store. My wife has been consumed with work, as have I, and future/baby talk has reappeared. I understand now to just roll with the. punches, be supportive and not react to her moods but to listen, validate and let her work through her moods.
Nothing is concrete of course. She's facing unemployment in two weeks and she could either remain unemployed, find work in town or find very lucrative work out of town. In the meantime, my boss is scheduled to have surgery in three weeks so I will be running the store on my own for the three weeks that follow. It will be an insight into how my schedule will look once she leaves for good and despite my boss' misfortune, especially the financial burden she is about to face, I am excited for the opportunity to see how things are going to work for my family and I and getting some extra income to offset my debt.
I am struggling with my uni work at the moment and I am now a week behind the course after only three weeks. I have two assignments coming up and thankfully I am on top of one. I am not stressed though I am constantly aware of where I'm at and what needs to be done. My poor kids have missed out on me this week between me having to cover ridiculous shifts, opening AND closing the store twice this week while having a 4-5 hour lunch break, and also trying to catch up on uni work. Hopefully this week goes a little more smoothly this week at work and I'll be able to catch up slightly. I'm still taking on more of the burden at home as my wife is working long hours and is under a lot of stress. As much as my uni work is suffering, it has made me prioritise things in my mind and while there is room for improvement, I feel I am on the right track supporting my wife and looking after the kids/house and doing my things (soccer/uni/rest) in my time.
Despite the potential stressors I feel pretty good. I'm upbeat most of the time with the only exception being the couple of days my wife and I had a disagreement. My wife told me before she found out her store was closing that she was reading a book called ACT with love and that there were activities for her/me/us if/when she/I/we are ready. Obviously our relationship has been on the backburner since the announcement of the closure though I did start reading a preview version of this book a couple of nights ago and I may download the full version as I am enjoying it and I will understand where she is coming from when she does bring it up again.
Tonight, I'm home alone as the kids are with family and my wife is out at a birthday party with friends so it's football and study for me before a 6am start tomorrow.
So a lot is happening, I don't have enough time or money in my day and yet I feel good about life. I know things will ease off at some point and hopefully my wife and I continue to grow through it all.
I really like your thread title.
Thanks bug. Nothing new relationship-wise, Ggrass, but W is officially unemployed now and we enter a new chapter as she looks for work. We'll be living off my income and whatever welfare we get for the kids and it'll be a test for us as the last time we were in this position, my wife felt I controlled her through money. It'll take some time to build trust up on that matter and I'm in no rush. Relationship-wise, nothing has really changed recently. She cooled off for a couple of weeks but was playful last night. There is no relationship talk but she has kept communication up with me, still talks about babies and talks about the future in terms of "us" and "we". I read a book she had been reading called ACT With Love and there was a lot of good information in it. I told her I had read it and was open to discussing it with her when she was ready. She's not mentioned anything about it yet but I wasn't expecting anything.
On a personal front, I've had a pretty big week. I had two uni assignments due, my first in ten years, and life seemed to throw everything at me it could. I ran my hot water unit dry in one day, my washing machine became blocked, the kids were the kids, work threw everything at me it could, and housework was piling up. On top of that, my wife was in the final stages of closing the store and I helped her run errands and just tried to be there for her at the end of days. I made it through the week largely unscathed. My hands took a beating from the washing machine but I won that battle, unblocked it and got it working again. I'm proud of that as I'm not a mechanical person and my wife had a mini freak out when I told her I pulled it apart. Despite the week, I got my assignments submitted on time so I'm very happy with that.
well done Barry, for a crazy week, you survived and had some victories. Sometimes getting thru the week IS the victory.
You sound good. So you know, at your age I began to realize a lot of life was "work"...I mean, it's obvious but it really wasn't that clear to me until I had my "dream job" (turns out no such thing!) AND was happily married and had kids.
I realized OMG life is hard! Where is the "ME" time? (What's that?) But as you learn to enjoy these mini victories you come to realize that savoring these and then really being in the moment with your kids, or your loved ones, is KEY to enjoying life.
You're getting that from soccer, and that's how it can be with family life too. It really is the little things that add up to being the big things.
Also a dear friend of mine whom I greatly respect, has urged me to get that ACT book and check it out for DBers. I'm glad you liked it and I will be reading it soon.
Kudos to you for taking your w's advice and being open to discussing is. Remember to LISTEN like man who just got his first hearing aids...(does that line work?)
IMO, I would strongly suggest you Hold off baby talk until you both have had time to FEEL COMFORTABLE with each other.
No marriage isn't thrown off balance by a new baby, even a planned one. I was told when I was about to have our first child,
not to judge the marriage by how we felt the first year. That was great advice.
And we were in a wonderful place when we had our son,maritally speaking although professionally I was still in law school and h had just entered medical school so that timing aspect was lousy. But we made it.
Having a child is a lot harder than you think, however. Even though it's also more wonderful, it's just way more demanding and unrelentingly so. The physical part surprised me b/c my mom had 9 kids and never mentioned how exhausting pregnancy was OR what an ordeal giving birth is. I had a natural birth, but I felt really zonked out physically for a few
weeks. Not to mention the other changes that came.
Thus, I'd urge you to wait on that til you are more financially stable for sure, (b/c she will feel pulled to stay at home if she is like 90% of new moms)
and maritally stable.
But you can daydream all you want. (I never understood my h's fears of daydreaming. I'd dream out loud about a "dream vacation" and h would always say things like "We can't afford THAT" and I'd be thinking "no kidding, but can I TALK about it??" As if I didn't know we couldn't take a hot air balloon across the country...
But sure, talking about babies IS fun, and helps you both iron out small issues ahead of time. While things are calm and agreeable and fun to discuss, which is not the case when the baby is on the way! Then the pressure is really on and every little annoying thing a spouse does, become a terrifying red flag of warning...
Otherwise, on the whole you sound really circumspect and smart and healthy. Well done.
Good luck with your w's job search. Reassure her that SHE will do well and find something she likes, eventually, but DO remember that women want men to be good providers and protectors (even if our feminist friends don't admit hearing us say that) .
So reassure her that YOU will there for her and you guys will make it "no matter what" and help her feel safe with you. Let her lean on your shoulder if she needs that.
You want her leaning on YOU, not anyone else so that means you have to provide the shoulder for her.
Make sense?
Yeah that all makes sense. I agree with you about having stability before trying for another baby. It's something that has been important to my wife for a long time now. Prior to BD, having another baby was something that she wanted and I repeatedly shot down rather than discussing it. I feel my concerns were legitimate, particularly with needing another car (which she has since bought herself since separation) and how it would affect my eldest son who already suffers because of the time and energy my youngest two require, however I lost sight of the fact that it was something she wanted and that it was important to her. ie. I invalidated the crap out of her.
Whilst I still have concerns about having another child, the fact that she's brought it up again is both a sign that she is warming and a discussion point where I can listen and validate. I'll have my chance to discuss my concerns when the time is right so I'm happy to just sit tight until then.
On another note, my wife and kids came to watch me play soccer yesterday. My wife hates sport with a passion and my games are one hour out of town. She could have easily stayed home, gone to visit a friend or done anything else and instead, she chose to come and spend the day with me. There was no lovey dovey, we just chatted and enjoyed some time out of the house with our kids. She chatted with one of my teammates wives and my kids went off to play with other kids while I played my game. In the past I would feel down because of a lack of affection or interest. Through DB, I've learned to appreciate times like yesterday because my wife could have done something else and instead chose to do something with me. I thanked her and the kids on the drive home and thanked her again privately before I went to bed and left it at that.
I've had some thoughts lately about my future. Things are still stagnant in my relationship with my wife and whilst I know her happiness is tied to her work situation at the moment, there are signs creeping in that things will go back to the way they were before my affair.
Before my affair, I felt that I was not important to my wife. It sounds juvenile to want to know that you're wanted but throughout this process I have come to understand that I explicitly need to know I'm wanted by my wife to feel love. Granted, these days and with all the information I've come across this past year, I don't need it at all but I would find it difficult to feel love without knowing for sure. For me, I feel that I should know in an instant that I'm wanted and if not, then I need to address the issue or perhaps I'm barking up the wrong tree.
The thoughts that I've had have made me wonder more about the future of our situation. I continue to stand by my decision to stand by my wife and I will see that out. We're talking quite some time yet so I understand that my situation has some maturing to do. I have thought about how the future might pan out though as I'm not going to wait around forever. Something that stuck out to me is that I cheated because I didn't respect myself. Now, I understand that if I feel unloved or unwanted again, I bring it up with my wife and if she doesn't want to play ball I need to look out for myself and that may mean me leaving instead. Again, we're talking well down the road.
All in all, there will be a lot to discuss when the time comes. I hope it comes soon but I'm not holding my breath. My anniversary is at the end of this month. I'm going to buy her flowers and I feel good about that decision. There won't be any fanfare; it's a nothing day right now. It is still an important date to me and my wife deserves flowers whether we have a relationship or not. The only downside at the moment is that I'm off work that day so I'll be around my wife. I may wind up getting out of the house for a bit because I probably won't want to be here.
So I've had some developments and learning opportunities these past couple of days. Three nights ago, S7 had stayed up past his bedtime and when my wife asked him to pack his things up and go to bed, he protested. This has been an ongoing thing and I was fed up with this new nightly ritual as well as his general insolent behaviour. I felt my wife was allowing him to play her so I went in, firmly told him to go to bed and when he refused, I carried him to his bed. My wife was angry at me for interfering and rightfully so. I had to go and get some money out so I left the house briefly and when I came back, she had gone to her bedroom. She came out and we talked about the situation. There was no yelling though there were some emotions present on both sides. I felt that we had both expressed ourselves and listened to one another. We ended the conversation and I felt it was somewhat unresolved.
I had to work early the next day so I didn't see anyone until I got home from work. I hadn't really had much time to process the previous evening and for some reason, I felt like I needed space from my wife and son. My wife was quite jovial and maintained this disposition despite my obvious distance. I'm quite happy with how things turned out as I feel my wife could see I needed space and she left me to do my own thing, she looked after the kids and I didn't interfere until she explicitly asked for my help and she stayed positive and upbeat when previously she would shut down from me. I could also see she was more firm with the kids so while we didn't come to an agreement the previous evening, I feel like there was some progress on both sides.
Later that evening, my wife asked me to go through my things in my bedroom. Since she has finished working, she has gone through the house and shed and organised things. I thought it was quite strange that she wanted me to organise my things but I left it alone. The following morning, she asked me again as well as asking my opinion on the layout of her bedroom and space in the walk in robe. This time, curiousity got the better of me and I asked why she wanted me involved in this. She told me that she was preparing for the future. ie. me moving back into the main bedroom with her.
I was taken aback. We've been getting along but there has been nothing to indicate she wants to resume our marriage again. I felt uneasy about the prospect of moving back in and I asked her if this was a 'now' thing or a 'later' thing. She said she was preparing but had no date on it to which I was somewhat relieved. I told her that I wasn't ready and that our relationship needed work before I would be ready to move back in. It's nice that she's thinking of it and even preparing for it. On the other hand, I don't want to move back in as a matter of convenience; I want to move back in because we're working on our marriage and intimacy. I don't think I could move back in feeling like we're just housemates or friends. I did tell her I'd like to try bed-swapping, kind of like when we resumed dating when lived apart for a few months prior to marriage, before moving back in. I guess I feel that I want to be courted and court her too rather than her just saying 'ok, you can move in now'.
I worked last night and this morning and this is the first time I've been able to really process it all. I do feel like I need to express my feelings to her about our parenting and the bedroom move but I also feel the need to take some time and process the feelings myself. So far, all I've done is work and chase kids so I haven't had time to think.
I have a day off tomorrow. My girls have been driving my wife up the wall so I plan to take them out of the house for a while tomorrow. I will need to get into some uni work because it's been more than a week since I've done any and I am still well behind. Thankfully, there are two uni-free weeks coming up so I'm hoping to catch up in this time.
Journaling:
I'm on Struggle Street a bit this week. My boss has had surgery so the store is in my hands for 2.5 weeks. The work side of things has gone well. I have organised myself very well and shifts have gone smoothly. I have had a lot of problems with staffing however which has caused me a lot of stress. Already one person down, I've had a number of colleagues come down with the flu, one with important high school exam trials, one going away for the weekend, one generally uncooperative and no power to hire or fire, and most of the shifts being left up to a high schooler who is only available after school hours and myself. I don't mind the amount of work; I used to work 26 days out of 28 with only a week off between work stints. I do mind that my hands are tied and I have no idea whether I'm going left or right or whether I'll be home for dinner or see my kids in the morning (I'm out of the house before everyone wakes up when I do early shifts).
On top of that, when I have been home my energy has been down. My kids have been misbehaving when I'm around which doesn't inspire me to want to spend time with them. My wife has been generally positive however it's all external things; friends, cakes, job possibilities, etc. There is no movement on the relationship front though she continues to communicate with me frequently. She updates me about most of her plans now and has even had the courtesy to ask if I minded her doing a couple of things (no problems there). I have longed for a hug a few times. Not as a pursuit thing but as an 'I've had a hard day and I just need a hug'. We're not there yet so I haven't asked for one.
I did mention the desire for a hug in a note to my wife though. I've had a rough day today and I went quiet this evening. My wife has called me out on bottling up and I decided to write my feelings down. I wrote about the kids' behaviour, my issues at work and that I wanted a hug but knew we weren't there yet. I also mentioned some soreness I had that I wanted her help with. It was all matter of fact stuff; she chooses what she does with the info and I'm grateful if she takes it on board and unfazed if she doesn't. I feel good about how I wrote it, the feelings I expressed and the lack of expectation behind my words. Kind of like 'this is where I am. Call me out on anything you find negative. I'd like your help with a couple of things and I'm OK if you choose not to.' I thought my wife was asleep however she responded that she wasn't ready for the hug but that she would have helped with the soreness if she wasn't so tired. We're on different pages but I feel we're at least working towards the same methods of dealing with issues which is a good start for us.
Relationship-wise, we are still a little far apart emotionally I feel. There has been no movement since the bedroom rearrangement but we're prepared if and when it occurs. I personally don't feel up to moving back in just yet but I am open to spending some nights with her to see how we feel about it and if it helps create non-sexual intimacy between us. Originally I was pretty well against it and then I remembered that my wife had put a lot of thought into things throughout this situation and that if she wanted to spend the night with me that she would have put thought into that too and that it was at least worth trying it as an act of good faith. We're not there yet though I'm at least mentally prepared for it.
I'm still playing soccer and I'm loving it. I was told my foot skills are improving which isn't bad for about six weeks' work. I'm still behind on my uni work though I feel I am making some progress. I received a 9 out of 10 on an essay I submitted, the first I'd written in ten years so I'm pretty happy about that. I'm expecting another result back within a few days and I have two more assignments due over the next three weeks. I enjoy learning though it's very difficult with everything else going on. Staffing issues aside, I am really enjoying the challenge of managing my store without my boss.
A bit of a long one but that's where I'm at. I work 13 consecutive days which will be interesting. My daughter's birthday, mum's birthday, anniversary (acknowledging but not celebrating), father's day and my wife's birthday are all in the next couple of weeks so it'll be a jam-packed period.
So I had an interesting situation today. My 2nd anniversary is on Monday and I decided to get my wife flowers. I found a bouquet I liked and thought she would like and as I had a couple of questions I called the florist today in case I wasn't able to organise them over the weekend. I was happy with what the florist told me, booked the flowers and that's when the curveball came - the message.
I understand that gifts aren't advised with DB. I am comfortable with my decision as it is part of who I want to be. It's not a celebration but an acknowledgement of an important day in my life and the person I share that day with. Whether my wife appreciates the flowers or not is neither here nor there. As such, I hadn't thought about a message with the flowers until the florist mentioned it. She balked at the idea of delivering anonymous flowers however I was at work when I organised them, I didn't know what message I wanted to send with the flowers, I have a card for my wife separate from the flowers and, most importantly, I don't want to invite third parties into our problems, even if they are just a service provider. As such, I left the booking as a nice bunch of flowers with no message.
In other news, a teammate on my soccer team who is also studying accounting told me about a cadetship advertised in the local paper this week. There are two possible locations, 90 minutes and 2.5 hours away from home. It may not be financially viable however I am going to look into it anyway. I would love an opportunity to work in the field I am going to be studying in as I don't have time to do work experience around my current employment and family commitments, I will be 35 when I finish my degree and I find immense value in putting theory into practice rather than sitting in a classroom for 3-4 years before trying to convince someone you know your stuff.
I would assume the best-case scenario work-wise would be 20-25 hours per week around uni commitments which would put a serious dent in my finances. There are a few scenarios that could happen and I will have an opportunity to discuss the cadetships with the firm offering them on Monday and I will have until Friday to apply.
I lost my update
Monday was my anniversary and the day went very well for where my wife and I are at. I bought flowers and a card, thanking her for sharing hers and the kids' lives with me. No mention of love or future, just an acknowledgment of her involvement in my life. She gave me a card with a tropical scene on the front (we honeymooned in Fiji), a simple cryptic message about 2nd anniversary gifts and telling me tacos were for dinner (our favourite meal), a box of chocolates and slipped inside the card a thimble (made in China - China being a 'traditional' gift) and roll of cotton (being a 'modern' gift) in our wedding colour. I expected her to not mark the occasion so I appreciated the fact that she did and to do so with some thought and references to our wedding and marriage was very thoughtful of her, especially in a difficult time.
I worked early that day so I was out of the house for much of the day. We didn't really acknowledge the day in person aside from a couple of thin references over dinner with the kids. All in all, I felt it was a good day. I hope we can celebrate properly next year but for now I'll take it.
Aside from that, a big milestone occurred yesterday with my wife asking for a hug. I had asked for one last week after a trying fortnight and acknowledged that she perhaps wasn't ready, which she confirmed. Yesterday, she asked me out of the blue and hugged me. That hasn't happened in months.
On the work front, I've been looking after my store for the past three weeks as my boss has recovered from surgery. I'm very happy with how things went and my staff have supported me very well. There was a stressful period when everyone in the shop had a cold or was unavailable but I survived. My uni work is going well. I'm still behind but I have submitted the first of my second-round assignments and will start working on the other one today. My first round assignments were graded and I did very well in both, far better than I was expecting to. I'm still behind content-wise but with the major assessments out of the way it'll be head down towards the exams at the beginning of October.
Soccer winds up on Saturday which is sad. I've enjoyed playing and I'll miss it. I am happy to have my Saturdays back leading into school holidays and my exams though. A local summer competition will start late September/early October so I'm looking forward to that.
I also told my wife I'd like to go away as a family over school holidays which she appeared to support. We are waiting on her redundancy payout from work but I'd like to go anyway after the recent stresses of work and uni. I just want to get out of town and do something fun with the kids that doesn't involve cleaning, picking up after them or getting called into work :p
Journaling:
I had a bit of an awkward moment the other day. My wife went out with friends and I had the house to myself. I got home after she left for the night and since her car was there but not her keys I figured she'd need a lift home. I went to bed early because I was shattered and managed to get a couple of hours sleep before the phone call came. I went and collected my wife and her friend, dropped her friend off, went home and went to bed. My wife sent a drunken text message asking if I'd sleep in her bed (to sleep, not sex). After missing the last invite a couple of months ago I wanted to make a point of joining her so I did and she was asleep shortly after I joined her. It was nice to be back in her bed again though I'd woken up just enough to have trouble getting back to sleep. I had work at 6am so I was up and out of bed before she woke up.
After work I got home, we chatted and a while later she asks off the cuff if I slept in her bed or whether she was dreaming. I told her about her text messages and showed her. It wasn't too nice knowing that she didn't remember asking. I feel that there's always a bit of truth when people say things when they're drunk though so I get the impression that I've been on her mind but she's keeping the walls up for a little longer yet.
I've been working pretty hard lately and it, uni work and the kids/housework have taken their toll on me a bit. I came up with an idea to skip town for a couple of days in the upcoming school holidays and voiced this to my wife. She suggested a location and I started looking for accommodation. It's a stretch for us at the moment money-wise and it's not something I'd normally do. I do need a break though and I want to spend some quality time with my wife and kids away from the grind of home.
I suggested the coast and the location my wife suggested is a holiday spot her Dad used to spend time in as well as being half an hour away from where her Dad's ashes have been entombed. My wife hasn't been back there since her family laid his ashes last year and it would be good for my wife and son in particular to go there. My wife specifically mentioned visiting her Dad when suggesting the location.
Since the initial conversation, my wife has had a fair bit on her mind; some pretty important stuff too. My weekend getaway is trivial in comparison. It's important to me though as I won't have another opportunity to go away with the kids until Christmas and we definitely will be busy at that time. My wife has voiced a lot of her thoughts to me and I have listened. I've voiced some things to my wife and I don't feel listened to. In the past I'd distance myself out of protest and recognising those feelings again I understand that I am going to have to voice my feelings to her this time. I feel good about what I want to say. I'm hoping she still wants to come. Whether she does or not I have a couple of ideas about when I want to go away so I can organise the time off with my boss and plan things accordingly.
We've got a big week ahead of us. My wife should receive her redundancy payout this week or next which will clear our credit cards and give us some breathing room. My wife has a job interview on Saturday which looks promising (and also gives me a chance to do some much needed personal shopping!) and she has also applied for another job which she'll be a shoe-in for. I think things will start to look up for her though both jobs come with short-term logistical challenges with longer-term opportunities.
Hey Barry. Looks like there's been quite some progress since the past few months. Keep up the good wor!
Thanks 2s2q. Very slow going but it's about being patient and building trust at this point.
Journaling:
I've caught myself boarding the expectations train over the past few days. I guess it's something that builds up slowly. I've really only noticed it these past few days as a few things have come up with my wife that have irked me. Once I realised it I knew I had to back off and get myself in check again.
I asked my wife a few days ago about going away for a weekend during the school holidays. I didn't receive much of a response and she appeared to avoid it whenever i brought it up. Granted, she's got a lot on her plate and I understand if it's well down on her list of priorities. I was disappointed that she showed no interest in the idea and when I asked again I received a very closed response.
I've worked hard over the past six months and I want to get away with the family for a short period. The past few school holidays have been same old same old with work, housework and looking after the kids with one extra body home. I've felt bad because we just haven't had the time or money or other things have popped up. My wife is going away for a weekend at the beginning of the school holidays for a hen's night, across the country after our nephew is born and she's gone and done a lot of fun things for herself over the past few months. Money has been tight and ideally I would stay home and save money. I feel that some time away is an investment in my sanity and relationships with my family.
So with no apparent interest from my wife I was left confused at how to handle it. I would still like to see if my wife would be open to planning a weekend away with the kids and I. At the same time, I feel it's a golden opportunity to skip town with the kids when my wife is away, treat them as well as myself and avoid a weekend at home that will more than likely result in three bored kids, one frustrated Dad, a messy house and a lot of time outs. The kids deserve better and I feel I do too.
So I'm in two minds as to whether I approach my wife again to see if she wants to plan anything. She has a job interview on Saturday two hours away from home and I am joining her to share driving and do some long overdue personal shopping. She said she any suggested dates for a trip away were subject to the result of the interview. My wife has a lot on her plate over before Christmas and if she gets a job we won't have any chances of getting away as a family until my brother's wedding in February.
On top of all of that, my wife has vented frustration at spending so much time at home with the kids and the housework that comes as a result. I've listened and validated and I understand exactly how she feels as this was my life between November and February as well as other periods I've had between jobs in previous years. For some reason though, instead of connecting over shared experiences, my wife appears to completely disregard that I've lived these experiences myself. I've become pretty upset at this for a couple of reasons. 1) it invalidates how I felt when I went through these periods and 2) I feel disrespected and unappreciated for the amount of work I put in keeping things together at home while my wife was working. Now the shoe is on the other foot and I appreciate everything my wife has done at home and can sympathise when she has days when she doesn't have the motivation to do housework or spend time with the kids.
The reason these bother me so much at the moment is that these feelings were very strong prior to my affair. I'm better able to deal with these feelings this time around and to catch myself expecting things from my wife is not something had the tools to do prior to separation. At the same time, feeling valued is important to me, my wife has read some of the same material as me and I feel as though it's a bit of a slap in the face as she has the same tools that I do and is choosing not to use them.
These feelings have me very conflicted at the moment. They are massive red flags for me and long term they are dealbreakers. At the present though, it does feel as though my wife is not going anywhere, has initiated discussion and taken steps towards a future life together, speaks about us to me and other people as husband and wife and yet still has giant walls up as though she's not yet ready to let me in.
She has been a little more distant the past couple of days and mentioned a couple of days ago that she feels as though everything she does is wrong. I'm confused by that statement as I don't feel as though I've done anything to contribute to that. I feel it's a self esteem thing relating to not being able to find work as well as the stress of so much time spent with the kids. The drive to her interview wasn't properly discussed until yesterday so I didn't really know what the plan was until then. I wanted to come to support her and to get some things for myself though I didn't want to step on her toes if she had other plans. In the end, the two of us are heading over without the kids so we'll see how that goes.
On the bright side, my wife has had a LOT of cake orders which has perked her up a bit. She has told me about all of her orders and ideas as well as ideas for events that she has been asked to hire stuff for and decorate. She had her birthday yesterday and being very popular she received lots of wishes and gifts. We went out to dinner last night as a family which was a nice change to staying in. The kids didn't really cooperate but they appeared to enjoy themselves. I just liked going out.
Soccer is done for the year, second round of uni assignments are in and I'm almost up to date with my studies, and work has eased off a bit for the time being. I'm really looking forward to going away so I'm hoping to sort that out in the coming days rather than having it be a last minute, miscommunicated event.
For some reason I have writer's block while trying to write about my feelings to my wife and I'm even struggling to write things down here. I'm feeling pretty annoyed with my wife at the moment over a sandwich. A bloody sandwich. My daughter asked my wife for a sandwich this afternoon and my wife sent her to me to get it. I feel that that was highly inappropriate because I was trying to study in another room while my kids were watching TV with my wife. Just writing this sounds stupid but I can't help but feel that it was juvenile behaviour by my wife. I did tell her in person that I felt it was inappropriate and she told me to piss off. She's been in a bad mood since I got home from work but I know enough now that that's no reason to be rude and disrespectful.
So yeah, I know I need to bring it up but I know it has to be in writing and I have no idea how I'm going to handle this constructively right now. I guess it bothers me more because my wife has been focused more on herself lately and it's resulted in her going back to ignoring the kids and I, not pulling her weight with the housework (she cooks and packs/unpacks the dishwasher; everything else is on a whim and I do ALL the kids' laundry - we each do our own, and spends most of her time playing games on her phone or watching TV. On one hand I understand why this is happening as she has been unemployed for a few weeks now and I feel that she has lost motivation, especially as she has been ignored for some good jobs a she's applied for and there isn't much else out there. I went through this a couple of times, most recently at the beginning of this year. I applied for job after job and it killed my motivation to do anything. When I found work I was a new person; I function so much better when I have a job (confidence and self-worth) and my wife is the same. On the other hand, I can deal with being ignored, I'm a big boy, but it does nothing for our relationship and it frustrates me hearing and seeing the kids clamour for my wife's attention only to be ignored. I just want to shake her and tell her to wake up, if only to prevent her relationship with the kids being strained like her relationship with her mother because she doesn't have time with them.
So many thoughts running through my head and no idea how to tackle it. In writing this I feel it may have more to do with a lack of motivation on her part more than being lazy. I don't believe she will talk to me but I guess I could put a feeler out there by telling her that I've noticed a couple of things and letting her know that I'm available to her if she wants to talk. All I know is that her behaviour is unacceptable, whether we have a marriage or not.
Ok, rant over. Time to collect myself and go home. Feel free to shoot me some advice. I hope you're all doing well in DB-Land.
How you handle it will be important Barry, if you do it in a controlling way, she will resent you and do less and take longer.
I hate to be pushed or feel like I have to, on someone else's whim. Not sure I've explained it well, but try to raise in a light hearted way or a more matter of fact. Lots of blame will no help.
Just my take.
I'm so pissed off right now. D4 was being incredibly difficult this morning by refusing to do anything of which she was asked. I wound up yelling at her because asking nicely wasn't getting anywhere (yeah, I know, I'm wrong) and my wife wasn't helping at all. I even wound up having to brush D4's teeth because she refused to do it herself and my wife had to take her somewhere. My wife suggested I pinned D4 down to brush her teeth which I called her out on and started a fight between us.
This patience thing is really testing me. My wife shows absolutely no desire in reconciling and I'm surprisingly OK with that. The part that gets me is that by now even she knows that sitting on things gets us nowhere instead of talking things out and trying to move things forward, not necessarily returning our marriage to what it was but just dealing with issues and trying to build a friendship. I'm a creature of logic so emotions baffle me at the best of times but if you have a problem at work, you don't let it linger, you deal with it and move forward.
I have also had some issues in knowing which issues to bring to attention with my wife and which to leave. I've been a doormat and one of the things my wife raised was expressing my feelings. Long story short, the last time I raised my feelings my wife said she felt as though everything she did was wrong and has yet to explain why she said that. That was two months ago and things haven't been the same since. They haven't gone backwards per se but they haven't move forwards either and I've kept a lot more to myself. I know by now that our relationship can only move forward when she's prepared to listen to me and talk issues out. Surprisingly, I've been OK and just moved on with my own things understanding that I can't push her.
Today bugs me though because instead of dealing with a situation like my daughter, she leaves it up to me and then has a crack at me because she's not happy with how I handle that. That's not on. My feeling is you either discuss it, stay out of it or get involved in the first place. I know I handled the situation with my daughter wrong and I've got to work on that. I just wish I knew how to handle my wife because not dealing with things and then having a go at me makes things worse, not better.
Now that I've cooled down a bit I've had my first serious doubts about the future of my relationship with my wife. Some things had crept back in that made me feel that my thoughts and feelings weren't considered by her. I brushed it off as part of the process; something that would change with time and continued commitment to the process. My wife was good enough to respond to some feelings I wrote down and she unknowingly validated my thoughts about not considering my thoughts or feelings.
I'm not interested in returning to a 'my way or the highway' relationship, which is what it was prior to our problems. Throughout this process, I've learned what is important to me and who I want to be as an individual, as a husband, as a father and as a member of my community. I'm happy with where I'm at and where I'm going. I have some issues to continue to work on with how I respond to the kids, something that my wife addressed when she responded to my thoughts this morning. My kids are becoming increasingly manipulative, ignorant and difficult to deal with and I know it's only going to get worse. My wife has refused to work with me, instead choosing to tell me what she thinks is wrong about the way I deal with the kids and leaving it up to me figure it out. Granted, it ultimately is up to me and if I wind up as a single Dad, I'll figure it out. Part of being in a partnership however is working as a team and my wife appears uninterested in working together, even for the benefit of our children.
So I'm somewhat doubtful about the road ahead. My wife cited that I am incredibly busy lately, and I am with work, uni and looking after the kids and house. My life isn't where I would like it to be and I am still figuring out how to include fitness and being able to set aside quality time for the kids. My life at the moment is very much 'on the fly' as I study when I'm alert and fit in down time when ever I can because I know I can't afford to set time aside for myself.
I admire the confidence you have been able to find in yourself and what kind of H or father you want to be. You seem to have found the I'm okay either way ground a lot of people struggle to find. It sounds like you guys find yourselves in some stand offs at times. How is your tone when the two of you 'discuss' something you don't agree on? They say a lot of what sets people off in arguements is tone.
The tone is calmer from me and unchanged from my wife. Honestly, outside of money and family logistics there aren't many big ticket items that we discuss at the moment. Her job search has consumed much of our attention so the bulk of our discussions revolve around this and how it will affect our family (location, pay, childcare, etc.).
Journaling:
Things could be about to get crazy in my world. My wife has been job hunting the past couple of months to no avail. A large local employer was trying to get her in and after some time without response, and being turned down for some excellent opportunities within a couple of hours from home, my wife expanded her search several hours away from home.
Last week, the local employer got in touch and informed my wife that the person responsible for handling my wife's resume had not forwarded it to the appropriate people, that that person had been removed and that the store manager had the green light to get my wife in for an interview. A couple of days later, my wife received a call from another large employer whom my wife had applied for three jobs for. That discussion led to a confirmed interview for Thursday this week.
The local job isn't what my wife wants but it's stable work that keeps us in town. Ever since we moved to the town we live in, my wife has planted roots and I've been skeptical about opportunities, particularly if the companies we worked for were dissolved (which happened to my wife) or we were unhappy in our roles (which has happened previously to my wife). There is no contingency if things go wrong. In the past year, however, I've come to realise just how important staying is to my wife and I've adopted an attitude to make things work here while taking up a university degree to cover my tracks if things didn't work out between my wife and I or either of us professionally. Funnily enough, my wife has started to see my point of view, particularly in light of what she wants to do professionally.
The local job puts her a few rungs down the ladder and there is no guarantee how long it will take her to work her way back up or whether she can do so within a single store. Each of the previous store and assistant store managers came from outside of town and have/will move on when their terms are done. My wife has been told that the company will ask her to move up and around if she is doing an exceptional job, something my wife has achieved in each of her management roles to date. The job my wife interviews for on Thursday is for a store management role that is somewhere in our state. The prospective employer is so impressed with my wife's resume that they have asked to interview her for consideration for several store management positions. In other words, my wife is being sought after and we have no idea where.
The job she interviews for will start with an attractive income though after taking increases in rent and childcare into consideration, we would probably be in a similar position to what we're in now. Financially, we would be no better off initially. Where my wife and I will benefit is from future opportunities. If my wife does well, she would move onto a bigger store, more responsibility and a greater income. For me, I have only one company I could potentially work for in our town. Outside of town, I have several options in each town plus, whilst I would like to work, it would not be necessary and I could choose between working, studying or applying for an internship in my chosen field, though I have been told I won't be taken seriously until I am at least half way through my degree, something I won't achieve for at least another 16 months.
It's been difficult to contain my excitement at potentially moving. Granted, if my wife did get a job away from home, she would work away from home until at least January as my son will be in school until December and we have previously discussed my wife clearing her probation period before committing to a big move. I've been burned in a previous job that I have banked on only to be dismissed prior to my probation expiring. Moving though brings a lot of positives: greater opportunities and security, greater access to facilities, closer to major centres, more entertainment options and greater career prospects.
The big downsides are moving away from my wife's friends and family and uprooting the kids for a potentially short term move. Now that I've finally got my head around staying it had been strange trying to play devil's advocate; supporting my wife's desire to stay, her desire for a career and being realistic about our long term prospects where we live. The tables have turned with her getting excited about potentially moving and me playing it down somewhat. I've told my wife that I support whatever she chooses to do and that if she chose not to pursue the opportunity outside of town that she had a job lined up in town and that she would still progress to where she wanted to go. We would still face a potential move in a few years but we would be financially well off while staying close to family and friends until that opportunity presents itself.
If my wife does receive and offer and accept it there will be a turbulent period through the remainder of the year. She will work several hours from home while I remain behind with the kids. I'll still have my work commitments and my wife has lined up her friend to move in to help with the house and kids. I don't know how I feel about that but I will cross that bridge when I get to it. With my work schedule, it will be very handy to have someone on hand to get the kids ready for school or put them to bed so I can continue to work and provide. As much as I won't need the money, my younger workmates are becoming increasingly unreliable and with a potential move looming, it will be good to remain flexible to my boss, who won't take the news of me potentially leaving very well.
Other than that, all is well. I am on break from uni, having just finished my first round of exams. Soccer resumes next week and I have medical tests coming up in the next couple of weeks. I have found a new hobby in updating my wardrobe and I'm looking forward to finding some time to go shopping when I have the chance.
Journaling:
My wife went for her interview on Thursday and nailed it. She was incredibly excited and tried calling me at work several times before I could finally answer. I loved hearing how happy she was. Her confidence was sky high and justifiably so as she got the job. The job isn't where we thought it may be, it turned out being at a store she hadn't even applied for, but it is closer to home and my wife will be able to return home on weekends during her probation period. I will also be able to take the kids up to see her on the weekends she works.
My wife told me she felt excited, nervous, sick and relieved all at the same time. Overall she appears to understand our limitations where we live and is excited that she can further her career within a reasonable distance from home.
For me, I will become a single dad for a few months. I'm looking forward to the challenge already. I do have frequent run ins with S7 and my wife has been excellent in gently reminding me when fights aren't worth pursuing so I'll have to be more mindful when interacting with my kids. I'll also have uni starting the week before my wife leaves for training so I'll be juggling work, kids, house and uni on my own and losing eight hours per fortnight in travel. The biggest hurdle for me is being able to play soccer as it is on a Wednesday night and I am not comfortable taking D4 and D3 along without someone else to mind them. S7 will be fine and he'll have fun running around with the other young boys there.
The long term implications of my wife's job for me are increased options. I will continue working in my current job until we decide to follow my wife. When I get there I can work, stay at home with D3 and increase my uni workload or apply for work experience or an internship with one of the accounting firms in town. Aside from opening doors for me, I'm thankful for the increased flexibility my family will have and the security we'll haver when I ultimately find work in my chosen field. My wife can only move up, which may mean another move down the line but will come with pay increases, as well as the raises I will receive as I progress through my career. Hopefully in time, this will allow us to live where and how we choose without the financial uncertainty we have been living with since we arrived back in the town we live.
The biggest downsides are the loss of family and friends for my wife and kids. My wife will be OK as her former boss manages the store right next to her new one though myself and the kids will start from scratch. We do have family two hours away so we will be able to keep in touch with a few people regardless of the move.
Justiceu venting here...
Today was the day of the local races and my wife went along while I attended an appointment two hours away before coming back for work. She arranged a babysitter and all was taken care of. My wife prearranged for me to take her home after work and I told the kids what the plan was.
After work I look through two bars for my wife and settle on sending her a text message to find out whether I'm still taking her home or not. She decides to stay out so I head home to relieve the babysitter. My son was supposed to be in bed and despite getting home late, I had to explain to him that my wife wouldn't be home before he fell asleep. As expected, he wasn't too happy about that.
Fast forward two and a half hours and my wife sends me a text message to ask if the kids were asleep. Its 11:15pm and they'd been asleep for three hours. She then asks if I could go and get her. As far as I knew, my wife was only a three minute drive away. The kids wouldn't have woken up but I felt uncomfortable leaving them in case one woke up; especially when it involves someone's poor planning. I expressed that I wasn't comfortable leaving the kids and she found her own way home.
I'm glad my wife is going out and having fun. I don't like when it upsets the kids when one thing is said and another thing happens. I felt that asking me to leave the kids was thoughtless too. Maybe I'm making too much of it but it didn't sit well with me; I felt it was irresponsible.
So that's my gripe over. My wife starts training for her new job next Monday. She is gathering things she needs for her new house and we are heading over as a family on Wednesday to look at some properties. The search quickly moved from 1- and 2-bedroom units to 3- and 4- bedroom houses. My wife has remarked that she sees us all in the new town before school begins in February. We'll see how things go with her on her own first.
I'm actually looking forward to this little period. I feel that it's a great chance for the kids and I to bond, for my wife and other family members to see that I can handle the kids and house on my own and it'll be a huge achievement for me if I make it through the next University trimester with good results having played Mr Mum for three months, working, keeping the house in order, making trips up to see my wife, packing the house up and finding time for my own activities. There is a bit of a bogey as far as how my kids behave. They have been worse since the news broke but I don't know if they've actually been worse or if my wife and I are more aware of their poor behaviour since the job offer came. The kids don't usually give me much grief when my wife isn't around and I'm expecting some teething problems before settling into a positive routine. I expect their behaviour to take a massive downward swing when my wife is around and I'll be on the lookout for any negative reaction from my son at school. All in all, it'll be a big test for everyone. I'm looking forward to it though. Hopefully my wife senses the loss she's supposed to have. If she doesn't, we'll get a taste of the future over the next couple of months. Either way, I'm prepared and feeling upbeat about it though I look forward to us reuniting under one roof as a family.
Another vent:
Long day today. My wife and I took the kids up to my wife's new town to look at houses in preparation for my wife's move. We achieved what we set out to do but not without a few headaches. The trip up was reasonably smooth and the kids were well behaved. My wife set up an appointment at midday and appeared to have one eye on the clock so she was a bit short with everyone. We made it to town on time and got through the first part of the day in one piece.
Things started to unravel after lunch. Tiredness had set in, boredom had set in with the kids and tension grew between my wife and I as I was becoming frustrated with constantly being ignored, snapped at or having my ideas dismissed. This is an ongoing thing lately that is really bugging me and I'm in two minds whether I bring it up so she knows how I feel or just leaving it until things get better between us, if they get better between us.
Today's issue was about looking for 1-2 bedroom places versus 3-4 bedroom places. Our main goal is to get my wife into a place, settled and comfortable. The search started with 1-2 bedroom places and when my wife mentioned looking for 3-4 bedroom places so we had somewhere to stay when we came up, as well as the kids and I potentially moving up before school starts next year, we broadened our search. I was looking at places today to satisfy all goals; the short term of finding somewhere for my wife that would be comfortable and the big picture of the kids and I following in the new year.
My wife's apparent indecision and lack of communication is driving me nuts. I've sat back and let her drive and jumped in to help only when she has mentioned something. We've gone from looking for 1-2 bedroom places and the rest of us moving up by June, to 3-4 bedroom places in case we move up earlier, to me being "pushy" and back to looking at 1-2 bedroom places. My wife leaves for training on Sunday and instead of being sad that she's leaving, I find myself being relieved and looking forward to looking after the house and kids my way without criticism, interruption or mind-changing.
Long-term, I still see my family together as a family under one roof with an improved relationship between my wife and I. I still don't know which fights are worth fighting and which are worth leaving so I err on the side of leaving them. There was one incident today that got too much for me though; my daughters were being naughty and my wife started snapping at everyone, me included. I told my wife that I understood that she was angry at the girls but that I was becoming frustrated with her snapping at me as a result. She didn't say anything to me about it but didn't snap at me again for the rest of the day. The girls behaviour didn't improve the rest of the way home but at least there appeared to be more of a team effort in dealing with them rather than a wife-versus-everyone-else feel to things.
My situation took a turn yesterday. My wife told me that when she moves away for her job she have the space she feels she should have had a year ago at BD. She stopped short of saying that this is it for us though her language indicated she is leaning that way. I reiterated that I intended to follow her up with the kids by mid-2015 and asked if she saw us living there under one roof to which she replied "no". I expressed that I felt my thoughts and feelings had been dismissed and ignored lately and that I felt that I needed the break too. I restated my long-term desire to remain married and continue as one family unit to which she said she does not see a future with me.
I wasn't sure how to handle the next part of the conversation but felt that it was important to bring up the idea of at least trying to make things work in the long run. I say I wasn't sure how because I do feel that our relationship won't improve unless she starts taking me seriously and I can see the benefits to going out separate ways. One strong concern I have is that I will lose a lot of respect for her if she walks away without trying and that it will set a terrible example for the kids as far as trying their best in life goes. As my wife said, I hate to fail and she is right. This is a huge ego thing for me. I feel very strongly though that marriage is not something you just walk away from. Sure, I've made my mistakes but I don't feel that I should be punished for the rest of my life for them.
My wife mentioned that she feels nothing for me. From what I've read, I understand this. I didn't bring up that of course she won't feel anything for me without giving things a chance. She has poor role models around her as far as relationships go so I was always up against it. I read a while back that you have to act with love before you feel love. We go through our lives looking for love and expecting it to just happen. When I read the things I read, it made me think about how relationships begin and it was so true. Love doesn't just happen. It comes about through effort and attraction. Even when you first meet someone and have a crush on them; something about them, their looks, personality, whatever, interests you to the point that you want to get to know that person better. Knowing this, it feels like I know something that my wife doesn't and she is making a huge life decision based on misinformation. Of course, it's not my place to bring this up.
I don't really which direction my relationship with my wife will go now. I stand by my decision to commit to my marriage, I've lived my life accordingly and whatever happens, I can hold my head up and say I did my part. My wife hasn't had proper space from me in the past year and I'm hoping that she will start to miss some things about me. From reading other threads over time I feel that I may have to be more patient than ever. I expect to have to play single dad for a while, deal with a boyfriend or two and just go about my business until the fog is lifted. She may find the new love of her life but I hold hope that it'll all be a phase and that in time she'll see that I'm not so bad to settle down with after all.
Oddly enough, I was able to have this conversation with my wife without much emotion. I could have listened and validated SO much better and I feel that I got a bit excited that we had a (brief) deep and meaningful for the first time in a few months. One thing I am thankful for is the input members on this site have had on my situation. Without you all, I would not have been able to make it through a conversation with as much composure as I had. I am genuinely excited for my wife's new job and I am genuinely looking forward to having my own space without being ignored, interrupted or criticised. I do have very strong concerns about her walking away without trying but in writing this, I understand that I'm jumping the gun and that I can still pull this off with patience and support.
In terms of looking out for number one, money will be a lot tighter and my timeline for following my wife may be put on hold. I can not move without having a job lined up. This may mean that my wife will be away from the kids for longer than expected but there are a lot of what-ifs involved. I may receive enough government support (I don't want it but I may have no choice) to be able to make the move and stay afloat; I may receive a job offer early next year; I may still have a substantial credit card debt and have to stay put until its cleared. There are a lot of ways things could go right now. All I know is that I want to move the kids closer to my wife in a reasonable time but I won't do it at the expense of losing the kids to her or not being able to support myself. If push comes to shove, I'll stay put but I would like to do the right thing by all of us and move at the earliest possible time.
Some good news to finish off; I got my uni results back today and they were better than I was expecting. I've given myself a great launchpad for the rest of my degree and knowing that I've achieved the results that I have through a separation, kids' needs, constant laundry and housework, pulling long hours at work often at short notice and trying to fit in some activities for myself in around it all. It's a huge confidence boost to know that I can achieve a high level with everything going on and little support. In saying that, I'll need to make some friends this trimester or I'm going to go insane
Hi Barry,
Sounds like mixed news. Great news for you, not so hot with the wife. You've done a lot of work and I would agree that your conscience is clean, you really did stand by your marriage and try to work things out. Good work, I applaud you and encourage you to do what makes you happy whatever the outcome.
Thanks for popping by 2s2q. I'm not perfect by any stretch but I'm comfortable with who I am and what I can offer people. I've had the usual emotions since the conversation and maybe I'm living in lala land but I still believe things will work out between us one day; I just have a feeling it will take longer and may detour through other parties before we get there.
Barry,
You have reached another crossroad. There is a saying I like to keep in my mind. Choose you actions, Choose your consequences. What is still happening is rooted in an action you took long ago. Yes, you have acknowledged what you did....took responsibility for it....and are working on yourself so that you don't choose that action again. The thing is....what is happening now is a consequence of a choice.....and those consequences will go on until your wife is ready to end them. Honestly, I think the separation is good for both of you at this point.....Your situation has been going on for to long without a change. Sometimes drastic change is what is needed.
As for your frustration with the crossroad....it is common. The irony with crossroads in life is that we fight with them. We want to go the way we want to go at the moment we reach them, but we miss one thing (and the true source of our frustration) which is the fact we choose which direction we go in the past. So I say embrace the direction your path now goes....truly embrace it in your heart. No lamenting about your punishment....no complaining about how hard it will be.....Embrace the challenge the old you setup for the new you. Right now the old you is challenging you to return to that man again.You can do that, but I say that you have come to far to slide back.
dum spiro spero
Thanks LFW. I've missed your input. I agree that this next period is for the best. I get the impression that she expected the feelings and attraction to come back naturally and I understand that it doesn't work that way. She hasn't had a chance to 'miss' me and for whatever reason, she has decided against trying while we've been living together. It is frustrating but knowledge is power and I'm OK with the whole situation. I understand that it has to come from her and I still feel confident that things will work out one day, hopefully sooner rather than later.
Rough night tonight. With the change in situation, I arranged for the kids to spend the night with family last night to offset the time lost with them when my wife is home on weekends. I missed the kids, looked forward to picking them up and spending time with them despite a hectic night ahead. Within fifteen minutes of having them all, I felt the need for a timeout and it went downhill from there.
My girls were hyperactive when I picked them up from daycare and their behaviour continued to deteriorate as the afternoon went on. My puppy was also misbehaving which made matters worse and to top it off, my son kept trying to get my attention which was icing on the cake. I feel bad for my son to be honest. He's a good kid. He's incredibly needy though and he's a little too young to understand when to back off so when the others are acting up he doesn't understand that I just need a little space for a while. I tried to take a time out for myself and my girls and puppy kept getting worse and I lost my cool completely.
I sent my youngest to bed at 6:30pm, my middle child to her room to play and my son to the other lounge with a movie of his choosing. Not an ideal solution but it helped. My girls settled down and started behaving, my son watched his movie quietly and that left my puppy who earned himself a timeout for his poor behaviour.
After some time, I felt more calm and it was still well before bedtime. D4 had come out to talk to me and she deserved a second chance for the night so we read some old birthday cards she brought out. As D3 was still awake and behaving, I invited her out and we all joined my son (and by then, our puppy) in the other room to watch his movie.
Tonight was soccer night and between my kids' behaviour and a storm we had, I decided not to go (my game started after I sent D3 to bed). I was really angry about this as it is the only time of the week dedicated to me and had to miss it. My babysitter unfortunately broke her foot this afternoon and I wasn't comfortable letting my kids play in the wet as well as not deserving to go out and play with the other kids.
The most disappointing thing is that it is only night three without my wife (with the kids here; night 4 overall). I don't want to lose my cool and I need to find better ways of dealing with things. I'm on my own in dealing with poor behaviour and I know I can't just tolerate it or my blood will boil. This were excellent before this afternoon and I'm proud of how I've handled things before today. Hopefully it's just a blip on the radar and tomorrow will be a better day.
Well, my wife has been home and left again for another week of training for her new job. Last week was a mixed bag for me having started so well before I allowed D4's behaviour to bring me down Wednesday. I got myself back together Thursday and D4 was still acting up (the whole.... fricking.... day...!!!), I kept my cool and handled things far more constructively.
Friday rolled around and we were all looking forward to my wife's arrival. She sent me a text message to let me know she was leaving and I was expecting her 2.5 hours later. It turned out that she pranked me as D3 spotted her driving into our driveway five minutes later. I thought that my wife was in a good mood and it started the weekend off on a great note. That didn't last long.
My kids had been looking forward to seeing my wife all week. When she got home, they were all more interested in what they were doing than my wife, which was a surprise to me. When she got their attention, they were all over her so she watched cartoons with them briefly before falling asleep on the couch. My son asked to play soccer outside instead so I went out and played with all three kids so Mum time quickly turned into Dad time.
I kept my distance for the weekend. My wife was chatty on the phone a couple of times but I wasn't feeling it so I stayed in the main room, where I'd set myself up while my wife was gone so I could keep a better eye on my kids, particularly after bedtime. She didn't initiate any conversation, was short with me for much of the weekend and I just carried on doing my thing. For some reason, she felt it appropriate to call me at midnight last night for a lift home from a concert but I ignored it and went to sleep instead. This morning, I helped her with a couple of things and when she complained at how I was doing things, I sat back down to study and left her to finish off the tasks she was doing. This included when the smoke alarm was set off; she was already inside, I was outside and I didn't feel the need to help her out when she didn't appreciate the help. She complained about this too and I ignored it.
On a positive note, I've enjoyed some quiet time without the kids, I have completed my first uni assessments for the trimester, my readings are up-to-date and my house and laundry are clean. I am all over this single Dad stuff. Of course, my kids didn't do their chores Thursday night and as my wife arrived home shortly after we did on Friday, her first impression was that the house was a mess, which it was. The house is in order again and I am kid free until the morning so it'll be easy to keep on top of again this week.
On the whole, I'm glad my wife isn't around at the moment. I don't like her attitude towards me and for things to turn around, her attitude must change. I don't expect it to for some time and I understand that. I do still believe that things will improve between us in the long-term but I'm not going to pander to her to achieve that. I've come far too far and I feel it is best for my kids to see that 'Dad's got this' without my wife around. Unfortunately, I live on a huge block, I don't have easy access to a vehicle that can tow a trailer and it's getting hot again so the yard isn't in as good as condition as the inside but it's all a work in progress. I'm happy with where I'm at though. I'll get there.
Can you mow and mulch?
Compost heap? Yes I know snakes are an issue, but it can rot down lawn and vegetable matter. Thus no need of a trailer short term.
Look for a creative solution? Can you mow for someone else who will do trailer things or tips runs? Free think free.
I'm really good at working solutions, maaaate, it just takes some thought let it ruminate in the back of your mind. The creative mind will find a solution.
Thanks for the ideas. I could do all of those but I have neither the time, money or, most importantly, interest. I'm on a half acre block and without a tow ball or trailer I have to work with other people to get things done. Not impossible but I have higher priorities than my yard to be honest. I'm not much of an outdoors person so I'd like to minimise the effort and cost involved. Owning a working ute would be bloody handy though! I might have to work on getting my wife's dad's ute up and running so I can use that.
How bout take the peasy easy way and pay a poor 15yo to do it?
Local unemployed person for cash?
Offer it as community garden space?
Hey dun look at my yard, the sawn off mini Ponys mow it along the with spotty dog who eat grass too!
Tis bad, but it's about do what you can and leave the rest. There is a trick with round up to lightly spray the grass and stunt it too! Farmers use that one.
Yeah, we have family friends that keep talking about Roundup but we haven't seen any yet. I'm thinking I'll have to find my own supply. I need to do that too because the burrs are creeping into the kids' play area.
It's sold at woollies.
It's glosophate! Pretty sure dun quote me tho, I been to the pub and had wines yesterday. So I might very well be confused misinformed or both!
Lol. The Roundup we have at our Woolies (and the hardware stores) has the hand pump. I'm not familiar with weed killers so I'll grab one that attaches to a hose sometime and see how that goes. It'll be a bit of trial and error.
Either you will kill it, mowing is then not a drama till it regrows in oh about 6months
Or is stunts it. It is cheaper if you know someone who can buy it from the rural store. You need chem cert etc and other government bs. So joe blow can't buy it.
You can however buy super and diesel and make a bomb. Mutters about government bs and rules.
Same as matches and sparkles any kid can buy unlimited amounts but my 16yo cannot buy a bic lighter. If your smart sparklers and matches well the sky is the limit. Ask the 16yo!
The family friend I mentioned earlier was a sprayer so he has access to the good stuff. He's semi-retired now due to physical breakdown hence having not seen it yet. That's why I think it'll be done like you suggested. ie. Woolies. It's just another thing on the to-do list really. Aside from where the kids play and keeping the landlord off my back, I'm not all that fussed about the yard. There were reports of snakes about three weeks ago but without time, money and the proper tools there's only so much I can do, especially now on my own.
One Powerball...
How bout I swap ya, my to do for yours?
If yours is only the lawn, mine got a million things on it. Like in a min dead lamb will be arriving for me to pack away in the freezer. I suspect there will be 2 or so.
Haha, I'm good with mine. I just need some extra hands, time and money and I'll be right. Give me a couple of hours with my kids tomorrow and you can have them though
Yumo, my chops arrived.
Dead bah bah! Awesome.
Journaling:
I had a feeling I hadn't had in a while today. I missed talking with my wife. I spent much of yesterday by myself and all of today with my kids and it reminded me of a conversation my wife and I had before we were dating. She mentioned at the time that she enjoyed my company because I could give her an adult conversation instead of being alone or talking to S7, who at the time was 3. All my wife and I seem to have done lately is fight or disagree, so the break is good for us, but I had the feeling that I missed the interaction with her.
The feeling didn't interfere with the interactions I did have with her today though. She is out of town again on training and I notified her of a bill that had come in. We exchanged briefly, she updated me on work things and she mentioned she would be going to annual conferences with this new position. I kept things light hearted by saying my preferred destination and time to which she replied that she would be going and not me. I left the conversation at that and got on with my day. It wasn't worth continuing on with. In the evening, she called my phone to speak to the kids and when the phone was passed back to me, she mentioned that a storm was coming so I said "ok then, have a good night and I'll catch you next time" and hung up.
I think the feeling today makes my soccer games on Wednesday nights more important for me. It's the best chance I'll have outside of work to interact with adults so I'll be looking forward to it. Work is good at times for interaction but I work with teenagers much of the time and occasionally it feels like babysitting older kids. I did think of finding websites for talking to people but that's what got me into this mess in the first place so I think I'll just tough it out back in the real world.
I swear I have the patience of a saint lately. I've made a conscious effort to not yell at the kids. I have a short fuse and without my wife around, I understand just how important this time is for bonding with the kids. It hasn't been perfect; I've lost my cool a few times but by and large, I've done really well. Something that bothers me is that when one doesn't listen, they all don't listen, which includes my dog who is about 14 weeks old and going through the puppy version of the toddler stage. How I'm doing this on my own is beyond me but it's taking a lot of patience and breathing.
My wife is also testing me. Earlier today, I sent her an image of the wedding invitation my brother and his fiance sent us. She told me she shouldn't have been included on the invitation since we're separated. I validated what she said and reminded her that while she feels this way, she is still seen as family by my family and was invited accordingly. She told me she thought it was a guilt trip, which I validated but didn't agree with ("sorry that you feel that way). She continued on but there was nothing worth responding to so I didn't.
Later in the night, she called to speak to the kids and asked about money. We had discussed previously that I would save as much as I could and we would pay the remainder from her first pay. My work hours have been decimated this week as my babysitter broke her foot and was unable to look after the kids one day. It was too late in the pay week to call a swap so I offloaded the shift completely. My kids come first. I also accidentally used my savings account instead of my credit card account which didn't help but wasn't 'end of the world' stuff. My wife appeared to have forgotten this conversation and started getting huffy about it. I realised that she wasn't going to accept responsibility and decided to end the call. I am still her husband but her attitude needs a severe adjustment right now and if she is not going to listen, ask about events that have a bearing on her and our family, or treat me with respect, I am just going to leave her to her devices and figure out solutions behind the scenes, without her, so that when it comes time to act, I've got it all figured out. Granted, I won't have the money in time for her to pay the bond but she knew that, discussed alternatives and appears to have forgotten what she's said. I can't help her under these circumstances; unfortunately, I must leave it up to her to solve. I'm always here to help though if she decides to act as a teammate.
I found an article worth reading. Funnily enough, I found it on my wife's best friend's Facebook page.
http://earthweareone.com/6-toxic-relationship-habits-most-people-think-are-normal/
I definitely have learned the art of patience. My wife is back home from another week of training and her attitude towards me is negative again. She effectively ignored me when the kids and I went to greet her, grumbled about a garden hose then refused to answer my questions when I tried to clarify what she was talking about, ignored me about something else and then undermined me by giving D4 a drink when I told her she had already had a special drink and had to eat some dinner before I'd give her more. My wife challenged me by suggesting she would leave if that's what I wanted. It took every fibre in my body to quickly calm myself down, tell my wife that is not what I wanted, that I felt ignored and disrespected by her and stated my desire to speak to one another more constructively.
That appeared to fall on deaf ears but I am getting better at stopping myself, calming myself down, thinking about the situation and expressing my feelings in a matter-of-fact way rather than reacting emotionally as I used to do. I have the kids to thank for that as I've practiced this ad nauseum these past two weeks. The kids were much better behaved this week and I was hoping for a peaceful weekend with my wife but she doesn't appear to be interested in working together just yet.
A fear has crept in that things may become very difficult soon. I really don't know where my wife's head is at but things have gone downhill very quickly in two weeks. Two weeks ago, I was accompanying her to look at houses in her new town and now, she doesn't want a bar of me. I'm here in the trenches, doing the hard yards with kids and work and I am having difficulty trusting her to the point that I won't feel comfortable following her to the new town unless I can support myself; a move that may not happen for a couple of years if I can't find work. My wife has accused me of controlling situations before and if she starts to miss the kids, I expect this accusation to come up again. Ultimately, I won't move if I can't support myself and the kids. It just can't happen.
On the bright side, I'm at work for most of tomorrow and my wife leaves early on Sunday. I do want this to work but the woman who is sharing my house right now is not the woman I married. I'll be glad when my wife appears again.
I got some good spew for the first time in a while and a confirmation that the person inhabiting my wife's body right now is not my wife. My son was being rude to me and I calmly told him that I didn't appreciate it. My wife defended my son and told me I was being rude. I took a breath and restated to my wife and son that I felt S7 was being rude. That started my wife...
She said that I had things I wanted to say to her and I agreed. I told her that I wanted to be able to talk constructively with her to which she replied that unless it was about the house or kids, she wasn't interested in discussing anything. I responded by calmly stating that I felt she had been disrespectful and ignorant towards me the past 2.5 weeks and I felt that we were even unable to talk about the house and kids properly.
I probably should have stopped the conversation there but it briefly veered towards our relationship over the past year, me talking about my personal growth, her telling me that I was speaking to her like a child and that I would always be a cheater. I told her this was unfair and that I hoped her attitude towards this would change in the future. She laughed sarcastically at me and I dropped the conversation.
I still have some work to do with these conversations. I could have stopped it much earlier, and should have, though I am a lot better at recognising these situations, breathing and thinking through it and changing course quickly. I also feel a lot more confident calling her out on her poor behaviour, bringing it up out of self-respect and self-worth if I feel the need arise. I'm also able to shrug off negative comments ("once a cheater, always a cheater") because I know who I am, where I've come from and where I want to go. I do hope my real wife returns some time in the next 12 months but I'm not going to put up with her sh!t in the meantime.
I wish I could get inside her head at times. I'd love to find out what has caused this mammoth turnaround in her attitude towards me in such a short time. I'll just ride it out and keep on trucking.
Well B, I hate to say this but your reality has changed. With that you have to change with it.
First, why did you send the invitation pic in the first place?
What you have to do is accept you are now truly separated in emotion and body as she is out of town. You need to respect that, understand your marriage is over (in a figurative way), and focus on the realities of what has transpired. This doesn't mean your marriage is over, but rather you need to change your mindset to that point....lovingly. So no more relationship talk...acting as if you are married...etc. You need to change your perception to that of a single father. Also stop the thoughts of bringing up moving to her new area....That just creates stress for everyone.
As for finances....Start thinking of how to budget your life without her income...now. In the same breath....she has left the marriage...on her accord....So she should not be expecting financial help from you at this point either. Marriage provides certain securities...leaving the marriage should mean those securities end. Does that make sense?
Now in no way am I supporting going online to chat....or date...or anything like that. Your focus has to be very easy...You and the kids...Nothing else. You are a single parent now and that needs to be your only focus. So get out of me mode and into I am a parent mode. You will be better off in the long run.
As for the sudden switch....I honestly think there is some one in the picture. At this point her references to you cheating are being used to validate whatever she is doing. You just keep admitting, accepting, and validating that you did what you did when she brings it up.....but the truth my seat is that something else is going on or has. You do not control what she does with the fact you cheated. That is her choice.....You can only continue to work away from being that man.
Oh...forgot...Pick your battles. The drink for instance....She overstepped what you said and shouldn't have. I do agree, but at the same time...it is a drink. Not the end of the world...not going on the roof in a thunderstorm with a golf club in hand....a drink.
We all know going into that situation and conversation that there will be a fight....good or bad marriage. You should have let that one slide though. Sometimes peace is better than being right.
This is a really good article. Thanks for sharing
I don't know what to think at the moment, LFW. If there is someone on the scene, it would make her a hypocrite so between that and the move, I genuinely don't believe there is someone else. I do feel that she felt pressured by me and that she's overreacted accordingly. Where the truth lies may take some time to uncover.
It's a shame about her behaviour. I was going to buy her flowers for her first day in her own store in a couple of weeks time. Not as a pursuing thing but as a "we are your family and we support you" thing. Her behaviour of late makes me question why I would bother though I do want to 'live and love through' it because that's who I want to be rather than doing things because she 'deserves' or 'doesn't deserve' them. It's a fine line at the moment, that's for sure. If I do it, I would feel comfortable doing it because its celebrating her and her achievements rather than our relationship, even though I'm certain it wouldn't be taken that way. I'd have a clear conscience anyway.
As for the invitation pic, it was an event we we're both going to and my wife is quite creative. I knew there was a chance that she could be negative about it but I didn't think she would take it down that path and I got that call wrong. It's not an issue I can really avoid as my wife is still talking about going on the holiday though she's talking about not going to the wedding. I've left it alone for a while as we've got bigger fish to fry at the moment. Right now, I'm not comfortable with her joining us but it'll create waves if I say anything plus it's still several months away and things could improve in that time.
As for the finances, I'm on the weak side now. My wife's job is quite lucrative and I won't get by without her support or government support. She's told me she won't leave me in the lurch but she is so difficult to talk to that I've left her alone and tried to figure things out for myself. This morning, she transferred a substantial sum back into my account, which she has access to, and spoke about the bills in a joint fashion. There was a tense moment as she was asking me questions only she had answers to. When she started getting short with me, I called her out on it saying that I could only help if I had information to work with. From there, she started communicating more positively and answering questions I had. So in a nutshell, we're looking after finances together but how and for how long, I don't know.
This is a really good article. Thanks for sharing
You're welcome
Journaling:
Things are continuing downhill. A couple of household bills are due today and tomorrow and I contacted my wife, who is visiting family on the other side of the country, to ask about how we go about paying them. Pretty standard questions but she jumped down my throat and I wasn't very happy with her tone. I got the information I needed and the bills were paid.
During the discussion, I found out that my wife hadn't been putting money into our bills account as we had discussed. While she was unemployed, I transferred the lion's share and she was to top it up with the government family support payments she receives. She told me that we had insufficient funds to pay the rent and I had to breathe before responding because I was pretty unhappy with this information. Long story short, my wife feels that it is too difficult to manage two households worth of bills and asked me to contact the welfare agency to discuss my options to support myself. In a nuthsell, she's thrown it in the too-hard basket. I'm actually happy about this. My wife has always been difficult to work with where money is concerned and receiving my own family support payments will give me some certainty over how I can feed my family.
My long term goals are still the same but I'm comfortable with the short term. I need a break from my wife and I need greater control and certainty over my short term future. From a day-to-day standpoint, things are great. My boss has helped me keep my hours at work while reworking my roster so I can spend more time with my family. My kids are very well behaved, aside from a few trust issues with D4, and they're loving spending time with our babysitter, who has been fantastic. I'm also on top of my uni work, which I feared most as it was hard enough studying with an extra person in the house. I've got things really well organised here and things are going swimmingly.
So a major milestone has occurred for me tonight. My wife asked me to look into applying for my own government payments to support the kids and I started the process tonight. One application is in and another will be completed as soon as I have two referees to confirm our separation. It's not how I want things to go but at this point, I need to make sure I can support myself and my wife won't have to support me, which should make her happier. It'll certainly make me happier knowing I can get by on my own. We'll see how we go.
Well that's a quick update. I shoot my wife a message to let her know about the payments and the conversation turns towards her having the kids. I fear things could get ugly now. I can't afford to move to where she is until I have a job and can support myself. I am not prepared to just hand the kids over, even though the elder two are not biologically mine they're still my kids and I'm still their Dad. I also can't afford a legal fight and I have never had any thought my wife would go down that path until now. I really do not like her attitude at the moment and our relationship will suffer so much more damage if she starts using the kids as pawns.