Like a moth to flame - DivorceBusting.com

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Met with a different IC today. He is a MC and addictions counselor.

Great appointment, he really opened my eyes to some of my issues. I plan on sticking with him and setting some short and long term goals.

Still NC with WAW but I'm respecting her need for time and space. She clearly has issues she is dealing with and that will take quiet reflection.

Originally Posted By: Thornton

Great appointment, he really opened my eyes to some of my issues. I plan on sticking with him and setting some short and long term goals.

Expand a bit ???

I find that talking about things, and writing them out, helps keep my feet to that fire....

Bottom line.. I'm codependent like I assumed.

My assignment is read through Codependent No More once again and outline the things that stand out to me so we can discuss them at my next appt. We are going to come up with short term and long term goals.

Regarding WAW, you were spot on Mach. He said "she's in the middle of a hurrican trying to hang drapes." He said she hasn't cut all ties with me so he assumes she is struggling with her identity, dealing with raw emotions minus the alcohol. He also said during the first year of sobriety, alcoholics should avoid making major life changes. Welllll.... we moved to another town,enrolled her daughter in a new school, looked at houses with a realtor, she changed jobs, we were talking about getting married, and then finally she left me.

Clearly this was too much for her to handle and she probably buckled from the stress. What's weird, is that she was pushing for most of these changes. I was more inclined to take our time and ease into things. Makes me wonder why she pushed so hard only to 180 and leave me.

Next appointment is on Monday. It can't get here soon enough.

My H was apparently in or approaching crisis too when he advocated moving cross country again, buying a house when we could have rented, etc. His behavior since then shows very clearly that he's been reacting to circumstances and doesn't have a clear enough head to do much planning. But it sounds like you're getting some great information, and in this situation, when so much is uncertain and unclear, information can be a great comfort. I'm glad you found a helpful IC.

Journaling

I'm feeling discouraged. There's been absolutely no movement/contact/or view of WAW since the bomb.

I know DB'ing is for me and I'm going to continue on. I just wish there was SOMETHING to go off of. I'm starting to think that maybe we'll never talk again, period. She has issues she's dealing with, yes, I get that. To go from full steam ahead with planning our future, to absolutely nothing in a matter of days, really messes with my mind.

I'm doing everything I can to detach but sometimes it gets the better of me.

I miss her. I miss her friendship. I just miss being goofy with her.

Her problems didn't arise when she stopped drinking...

Her problems have always been there, and she was drinking to avoid facing them...

And when she stopped ???

She had nowhere else to hide...

That is my guess....

Originally Posted By: Thornton

I'm doing everything I can to detach but sometimes it gets the better of me.

Sigh...

Again with the "buts" ???

Originally Posted By: Thor

I miss her. I miss her friendship. I just miss being goofy with her.

Don't underestimate yourself...you are quite Goofy on your own : )

Jus kiddin buddy.....

Use your thought stopping process when you feel this way...

Yeah, my IC pretty much said the same thing. Her "friend" (alcohol) is no longer around and all of the feelings, thoughts etc. from her past are re-appearing.

It blows my mind because she wasn't always down or depressed or even angry. In fact, most of the time, she was happy and dancing around and making funny faces (or at least acted like it).

I don't think I've ever felt this raw before. This experience has made me question my faith in relationships in general. I know that's skewed thinking, but I'm being honest with how I feel right now.

They say time heals. One way to find out.

Lot of WAW talk again. It's hard to detach when you keep talking about her and wondering the why's. I played the why game for months and in the end my conclusion was 'who the hell knows and I may never know'. Playing that game kept me stuck for a long time.

So being goofy...don't you have a D14? My guess is she would like to see the goofy side of dad. There are other ways to be goofy too. One thing I did that really helped me was volunteering in children area of church for 4-5 year olds. I would do all 3 services on some Sunday's. It's hard not to laugh when playing with those guys.

I know you're right, Spartan. I do.

I'm working on it (even though it doesn't seem like it). I'm working on detaching, reading books and watching youtube videos on codependency and healing from broken relationships.

Trying to Let Go and Let God.

Thanks for keeping an eye on me.

Feeling pretty good for a change. Went and had my hair cut, tried a new style, looks good!

I'm not obsessing as much, hopefully I am gaining some momentum.

Tomorrow will be one month since bomb, times flies when you're having fun! Still no contact from WAW, maybe its better that way.

Tonight I plan on doing some reading and relaxing. I'm still not sleeping through the night, so some R&R is warranted.

Tomorrow I plan on going to the gym, washing my car, going to the library, and maybe go to the Saturday night church service.

Thor
Really glad you were feeling good today. New style (hair and clothes) can help with moving forward to the new, better you. Keep at the reading and stuff and make sure to mix something fun in there as well. Keep at it buddy

I just finished reading Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson (again).

Good read, a lot of it directly corresponds to DBing. Basically "opening the cage door and setting your WAW/WAH free". Basically LRT, going dark, no contact.

He goes on to say that self respect is of the utmost importance. If we don't respect ourselves, who will?

It's so counter-intuitive that saving our relationship is basically doing the opposite of what we feel.

Looking back on my R with WAW, I used to be a fun loving guy, free spirited and spontaneous. Over time, I became reserved, controlling and too future focused (saving for a home, retirement etc). Basically I became no fun to be around. One of my 180's is to live life and enjoy each day as it comes.

Thorn,

Originally Posted By: Thornton

Looking back on my R with WAW, I used to be a fun loving guy, free spirited and spontaneous. Over time, I became reserved, controlling and too future focused (saving for a home, retirement etc). Basically I became no fun to be around. One of my 180's is to live life and enjoy each day as it comes.

How do you plan to reclaim yourself?

Break them down in small goals.

How does that look like to you?

Wonka,

I really need to re-establish my friendships. I also used to be involved with lots of team sports (flag football and softball), I need to get back into that as well.

Yesterday was a decent day.

Today I'm having a hard time dealing with thoughts of missing WAW. I haven't spoken to her in so long, it feels like a death to me. I also miss her daughter terribly, I basically became her dad when I started dating WAW.

I have a counseling appt tonight with MC, I really need it!

Too bad we didn't live closer Thorn...we could go out and GAL together!!! Hang in there buddy, the NC is actually a good thing I think. It's only a matter of time before she contacts you I suspect.

Well she texted me.

She told me she hasn't forgot about picking up her things and that she hoped I was doing well.

I asked how she and her D were. She said she was adjusting and that life felt weird.

The convo was good with smiley faces and good vibes.

Then we texted about books we were reading, I did not mention DB.

She ended the convo with a smiley face and I did not respond.

What do I take from this?

Was she using her things as an icebreaker? Or is she wanting to pick up her things to finalize things?

Honestly Thorn, I wouldn't take it any way. Just take it for what it is. She's a WAW, they make no sense so to try and figure them out is pointless. Just go with it, keep you cool, act as if you are in agreement and act as if you are getting on just fine without her. I KNOW it HURTS like hell but you must my friend. I am glad she contacted you though...I knew she would! Now just use this opportunity to play it cool with her...nonchalant and happy. I know for you it's tough because this was the first time she's contacted you...but...she contacted you didn't she?

Hold your course my friend!

She was asking lots of questions about me and I portrayed myself as doing fine and staying busy. She asked about my job, told her about my upcoming promotion, she said congratulations!

When I asked how she was doing, she replied. "Im doing ok. Adjusting. Life feels weird".

I know I shouldn't mind read but someone throw me a bone!

I would think that if all she wanted was her things that she would of not asked me any personal questions...

You can't know what she was thinking. It could be that she feels guilty, so she's asking questions. It could be that she thought it was awkward to text after so long and then make it just about her stuff. It could be that she's confused and misses you. You don't know.

So, take it as a positive interaction, but don't develop any expectations from that basis. I've spent entirely too much time in my head over the past several months wondering what my H was thinking. Really, it was just a colossal waste of time.

Keep doing what you're doing

So do I just go back to being dark?

My mind is racing!

When in doubt...stay DARK! DARK can NEVER hurt you Thorn, it's your safe haven...think of it that way. It can never hurt you.

Originally Posted By: Thornton

She was asking lots of questions about me and I portrayed myself as doing fine and staying busy. She asked about my job, told her about my upcoming promotion, she said congratulations!

When I asked how she was doing, she replied. "Im doing ok. Adjusting. Life feels weird".

I know I shouldn't mind read but someone throw me a bone!

I would think that if all she wanted was her things that she would of not asked me any personal questions...

Well she does care about you I'm sure...it's not so much WHAT she says in my opinion...it's the fact she contacted you on her own to say anything that counts here. Remember, WAW's make no sense...one minute they are pining, the next they are I am woman hear me roar. You did the right thing...and hopefully it was you that ended the communication before she did by saying something like "well I have to run" or something.

The last thing I said was "Im happy you are running again"

She responded with a smiley face.

I didn't respond.

Good?

You know it is. I've read your posts on other threads. What advice would you give if someone else was asking?

I guess Im just super anxious right now Nettles. Its been a long time since Ive heard a peep from her. It's good to hear reassurance from you guys and gives me a little boost.

Thank you.

Your feelings of anxiousness are normal. You've been working on having no expectations. You've been NC for a while. For her to contact you out of the blue shakes things up.

Nettles is right. You give good advice on other threads. So, you know not to start pursuing/applying pressure because of one interaction.

You've got this.

Yes that's good because even something as minor as a reply smiley still unconsciously sends the message to her that you are always going to wait for her to end interaction...she imagines it that way on an even grander scale...in other words...don't let her think she can have you back any time she wants. That's what I am doing with my WAW. I am no woman's pawn. You either dig me 100% or I won't just let you walk...I'll kick ya' in the backside to help you along.

Haha! Love it! Lace up the hiney kickin' boots!

HAHAHAHA! Well exactly! It doesn't make much sense to pine after some woman who doesn't give you 100% bro...why bother you know? LOL! WE LBS's are simply hoping that our WAWs return to a place where they can do that is all...it doesn't mean we're their doormat s either. All of nothing.

Yeah, I agree with you. I was totally not prepared to have her text me last night. I figured it would be months (or never)before I heard from her.

It's a weird feeling. One hand I feel happy that we were able to have a quick, friendly text exchange. On the other hand, it kind of reactivates the pain of how much I miss her.

I'm just allowing everything to sink in.

Im starting to feel better today after text exhange with WAW last night. It was friendly and she kept trying to keep the convo going, I need to think of that as a small positive.

Tonight I will focus on the gym and doing something with D14. Maybe take her out for frozen yogurt.

Good call Thorn...don't worry, you just watch...she WILL contact you again if you maintain your current course!

Hey Thorn,

It is great the W texted you. The exchange was superb.

Originally Posted By: Thornton

When I asked how she was doing, she replied. "Im doing ok. Adjusting. Life feels weird".

W is definitely thinking inside her noggin and taking notes on how it is on the outside. Just let her be. No pressure.

Originally Posted By: Thornton

The last thing I said was "Im happy you are running again"

She responded with a smiley face.

I didn't respond.

Good?

Very, very good! It was positive, upbeat, and supportive. That will leave a nice impression in W's mind.

Well done!

When is W coming over to pick her stuff up?

She never brought up picking up her stuff again during the convo. Mind reading here, but I think she used her stuff as a reason to break the ice.

She said she needed to find time on the weekend to pick it up. She's had 5 weekends to do this.

Also, the last time she was going to pick her stuff up, she texted me mom to let her know she would be sending her mom to pick it up. Her mom never showed and I haven't heard a peep from either of them until WAW texted last night.

Thorn,

Ok....just let W take the lead on this. It is all up to her to pick up her own stuff.

Yup what ^^ said! LOL! Let her initiate all the contact. You are doing great Thorn! She WILL contact you again I am certain! Just be patient buddy!

Journaling

Today has been up and down. I fluctuate between feeling ok and then feeling upset about my sitch.

I'm curious if the recent contact from WAW has my mind running again. Or, if I'm still just coming to grips with the sitch itself.

Sometimes I wonder how long I can hang in there. I miss affection from another human being. I think I need to work harder at pacifying myself, being ok alone with my thoughts. I need to realize that my happiness needs to come from within, not from a relationship.

I remain hopeful that I can work things out with WAW. But, when does hopeful become naive?

Some things that I've noticed since bomb that are probably influencing my hopefulness:

* WAW still has tons of her and her daughter's stuff at my house
* WAW still lists me as her partner on FB. (WAW is a FB junkie so it's not like she forgot to remove me)
* WAW reached out to me via text after exactly 30 days no contact. She started the text about needing to find time to get her things but then started asking questions about me and being friendly. She didn't bring up picking up her things again.

I'm torn between two trains of thought:

1. WAW is just using this time to slowly detach from me before she feels mentally strong enough to get her things and then remove me from FB and move on with her life.
2. WAW isn't sure about the breakup, maybe wants to explore being single while keeping me at arm's length while she decides. It doesn't appear that she is too worried about me moving on even though I went NC after the bomb and never initiated contact with her.

Perhaps I'm just thinking irrationally and need to let the chips fall where they may.

Thorn,

Originally Posted By: Thornton

I'm torn between two trains of thought:

1. WAW is just using this time to slowly detach from me before she feels mentally strong enough to get her things and then remove me from FB and move on with her life.
2. WAW isn't sure about the breakup, maybe wants to explore being single while keeping me at arm's length while she decides. It doesn't appear that she is too worried about me moving on even though I went NC after the bomb and never initiated contact with her.

Stop, stop, STOP with this stinkin' thinkin'.

I want to remind you that it took Ms. Wonka 4 months before she was able to send me a text.

It took Bond's wife 3 years before she spoke with him.

30-days isn't that long...for you, I am sure!

GALing is the best way to get busy living.

Where is Bond's story?

Lol Bond's story is ridiculously long. I read it one time and he has more patience than I could dream of having. Its a good transformation you get to see from him, beginning to where he is now.

Well it appears I am back on the no contact train!

WAW and I haven't texted anymore since Monday night. Slow and steady, I suppose....

I'm right there with you Thornton, however I cracked and texted my STBXH an apology about an hour ago for making him feel pressured and for putting expectations on him as per his last text to me last night. Still no reply so I just need to leave it. I still can't believe how much I didn't do the DB...argh! I could kick myself! I'm glad to have this place to vent

I have this overwhelming feeling to do something. Anything!

I'm not going to do anything but no contact feels like it's going no where.

I've been LRT since the bomb. She texted me FINALLY last Monday after a month of NC. The text convo was friendly and short.

I wonder if she is waiting for me to initiate something because she broke the ice. Like it's my turn to show that I'm thinking of her too.

Thoughts?

You're way overthinking this brosef. I know why, I did the same thing. Listen to everyone that has told you to go LRT and get your own life and keep living. She will be in touch again.

Yup she WILL be in touch again....what he said!

Yup, we all fall into the same trap. We want to do something.

And we all think that our case is special, and there must be something we can do, even though everyone is telling us that we can't.

Well, here's the thing. YOU CAN'T FIX HER. The absolute best thing you can do is to figure out how you will get along without her.

And not because we think you are doomed, but because getting that feeling of independence, and the confidence that that exudes really is your best shot.

The sooner she sees that your life doesn't depend on her, the better off you are. With or without her, you have to fast track to that happy place.

As for the text, let it go. She may be testing to see if you're still there. Don't be over anxious to ease her fears of losing plan B.

Thorn,

Why don't you go and rent the whole series of The Godfather movies? That'll take care of your twitch-y problem.

Haha! Thanks fellas! I appreciate you guys!

And btw, LRT is doing something. You have to remember that the effort of no contact/GAL is its own activity. Stay strong.

Yup I agree 150% with zew. It truly is the only way. You don't need her to be happy, and she needs to know that but more importantly, YOU need to know that. Keep quiet and let her be...I bet she contacts you within 5 days...you heard it here first Thorn LOL!

So...you want to do something huh. What does that mean? Does that mean you want to work on yourself? Does that mean you want to start a new hobby or do something you've always wanted to try? Does it mean you want to start a new book or go see a movie? Maybe volunteer and help people that actually need and would appreciate your help? Seriously brother what does doing something mean? IF it means contacting WAW then you will force me to bust out my 2x4 and I really don't like doing that.

I promise you, doing anything in the direction of contacting WAW or anything like that will not go well for you at this time. And please stop trying to figure out why she contacted you. It may mean something, it may not. Who knows. You did well in that interation. Be happy with that, continue working on improving yourself and moving forward with your life. If she does or doesn't if you continue to look at yourself you know you'll be improving your life so you'll be in a better place for the next time.

So the general consensus is remain NC? Kidding!

I know you guys are right. And I wasn't planning on doing anything stupid, I think I just needed to get it out of my system.

This truly is a roller coaster. Some days I feel pretty decent, and then I get blindsided the next day. Some days I go from strong to weak in a matter of hours. Ugh.

Tomorrow I'm going out for drinks after work with my co-workers. I look forward to having a beer or two and some non-work related conversation.

Thanks again everyone for keeping me grounded.

That's the way Thorn and yes...there are days you feel like Hercules...and then 20 minutes later you feel like Wimpy from Popeye. That's how this pattern seems to go for us LBS's. One thing is for sure, NONE of us have gotten the reactions we've wanted from our WAW's without NC. I still haven't contacted mine first...since she left. Each and every communication we've had since she left was initiated by her. So hang tough my friend, you are indeed on the right path. Those beers will feel good tomorrow night too! Enjoy...and keep an eye out for any pretty ladies! Hey...why not?

Aye aye Cap'n!

Yeah Thor it's all part of the process. I used to have swings by the minute. I think the night out with some friends will do you some good. Got any plans for the rest of the weekend?

What book are you reading now?

Thanks, Spartan.

Tomorrow I'm going to the gym, probably go buy some new clothes, and then church. Tomorrow night maybe catch a movie.

I just finished Love Must Be Tough, I need to go to the library. I want to read No More Mr Nice Guy and Light Her Fire.

Originally Posted By: Thornton

Thanks, Spartan.

Tomorrow I'm going to the gym, probably go buy some new clothes, and then church. Tomorrow night maybe catch a movie.

I just finished Love Must Be Tough, I need to go to the library. I want to read No More Mr Nice Guy and Light Her Fire.

I admire your strength of NC! I wish I would have found this board from the beginning but I was 2 months in and doing a lot of damage. I hope that you being here early on will help your sitch and you spouse. However - if it does not at least you have been able to work on yourself.

Laughter is the best medicine. Let your W hear about you going out and having a genuinely great time - not because you tell her but I'm sure someone will talk. Some people love to stir the pot

You got this Thorn, youve already seen the seed sprouting. Keep doing what youre doing and watch it grow. I cant wait to see some results in my sitch like this. Best of luck to you!

Thanks for the encouragement TO and Ben.

I don't feel like I'm making much progress. NC makes me feel like WAW is just getting over me and establishing her new life without me.

I know there's nothing I can do about that, but it still hurts like hell.

Patience has been really hard for me but I'm bound and determined to not make any mistakes. I do everything I can to follow the vets advice. I feel like I'm living on blind faith.

Well, I feel your pain. You have been at this a bit longer than me, but you give me hope that I might be able to make it that long too.

Youre making progress either way it goes. Youre getting stronger and more confident everyday. You just recently got a text from her too. So thats a start. I know how you feel about thinking that she is just getting over you while you suffer. I have to have people help me with this too. You know the other day my W came over to talk to me and she was crying already. That shows me that she is not out living it up like I thought and not thinking about me. Im sure yours is the same way.

You arent living on blind faith. You have made the best possible choice that you can make with the information that you have been given. Keep it up man. Youre an inspiration.

I agree with Ben2010. You are definitely doing good and just keep going! This is a difficult journey but you seem to be using it to your advantage. I'm rooting for you!

Just received another text.

WAW: Happy Father's Day

WAW: I hope you have a great day Thornton!
Me: Thank you

Give (her daughter) a hug and kiss for me
WAW: I will

Tell your dad Happy Fathers Day too
WAW: OH! My brother and his gf had their baby yesterday!

Me: Tell them congrats! Happy for them

WAW: Thank you

WAW: Are you doing good?
Me: Keeping busy! My dad said thank for thinking of him

. You?
WAW: Truth??? Im ok. Ive been doing good things for me and D, but I have very strong moments of sadness. Its just weird that's all. Im hanging in there

Me: Glad you are doing things with D. You are a strong person WAH, you're strong than you think

WAW: You seen perfectly fine, has this been easy for you?
Me: Easy? No. I didn't want this WAH but I don't have any other option than to respect your decision. I want you to be happy.
WAW: I'm sorry, I didn't mean that in an accusing way. Like I said, I didn't want this to be angry. I didn't want it this way either. Im feeling too much right now... Im sorry.
Me: Don't apologize, I understand.

Thoughts????

Thorn,

Well done. Although I would be careful to say "I understand" because you don't at all. One cannot ever truly understand how the other person feels. Could use empathetic words such as "I can only imagine how you're feeling. Take care"

Good job!

Thanks, Wonka.

This is the 2nd text I've gotten from her in less than a week after a month on NC.

I'm hopeful that she is starting to question her decision. She certainly doesn't seem like she's happy without me.

Do I continue to let her reach out to me? Is there ever a point where I initiate something with her?

Can I get a vet to chime in?

Thanks!

Thornton, I have the same question!

One possibility (and I am NOT a vet so take it with a grain of salt), is to continue to be patient.. and then if things continue to move in a positive direction, experiment (with no real expectation). If she responds positively, try again in a bit, baby steps. If she responds neutrally, give it some time before trying again. If she responds negatively, pull back.

I've seen advice cautioning us against taking a small positive step too far and pushing them away because we are overeager.

Do nothing. You're reading a lot of what you want to see in her text.

She may be unhappy but you don't know why. She may be having second thoughts but you don't know why.

It's Father's Day, she's feeling emotion right then, it will pass or not.

Let her figure out her stuff.

You keep working on you.

Thanks, labug.

I'll keep chuggin' along.

I half expected a text from my W on Father's Day but didnt get one. It kind of hurt a bit. I have a son who is 12 but she has known him for the last 10 years. I would agree though Thornton, dont overreact now. Youre on a good path, let her go at her pace and Im sure this will turn out well for you. Im pulling for you!

"Do I continue to let her reach out to me? Is there ever a point where I initiate something with her?"

What have you been doing during this time of separation? Are the two of you friends on FB?

Hi Bond,

I've been doing lots of reading, therapy, spending time with my daughter.

We are still friends on FB, in fact she still lists me as her partner. I don't check her page anymore but I can tell she hasn't changed her relationship status because it's still on my profile.

She also hasn't picked up her and her daughters things from my house. It's so confusing. I try not to mind read but sometimes it gets the best of me.

Thoughts?

Same thing for me Thorn. W has left everything she owns at my place and has not even come to get any of it. She took a weeks worth of clothing and some makeup. I am also unsure what to make of this.

Interesting new development, sounds like you handled it well right up until the "I understand." Wonka gave you a much better option for next time.

If in doubt, stay dark. Keep doing what you're doing, you've seen a couple positive results with her reaching out to you.

Thanks Ben and Kdog.

I know I need to stay patient, this DB'ing stuff is not for the faint hearted!

I will continue to stay quiet. No pursuit.

I've been quiet but watching your thread and echo -- stay patient. And wish you all the best.

Thanks, Maybell. I hope you are hanging in there.

You know, all things considered, I'm pretty good!!* Thanks!

(*standard caveat applies)

I doing my best to drop the rope. I struggle between hanging on to hope and accepting things as they are.

Hope equals pain, at least for me. I think the hardest part is that WAW clearly isn't finished with our relationship. It would almost be easier for me if she just ripped the Band-Aid off and told me with 100% certainty that she doesn't love me anymore.

I'm feeling emotionally exhausted. I stay active in the gym and reading lots of things on relationships, codependency, and healing. But my heart still hurts. I hate feeling like this.

Ahhh but there is still hope though. Where would any of us be without hope? And you know you dont really want her to rip the Band-Aid off. Sure it would make it faster to get over, but you want it to work out. Youve been at this a while and you still have hope where others have none. You have gotten some results so far. That means you are doing it right.

Drop the rope! Especially if you think she is not finished. The ONLY way she is coming back to you is if she wants to. If she sees you walking in the other direction, she will at least take a few steps towards you just to see what you are doing. Maybe she will follow...

Agreed. Pull back a bit further. Not all the way and see what happens.

Ive been NC since the day she left 5 weeks ago. She's texted me twice in that time frame. This feels like eternal limbo.

Do I just stay NC forever? Eventually we'll have to talk about all her and her daughters things at my house. But when would that happen? 7 months from now? 2 years?

Originally Posted By: Thornton

Do I just stay NC forever? Eventually we'll have to talk about all her and her daughters things at my house. But when would that happen? 7 months from now? 2 years?

When she is ready

I have the same thing going on Thorn, all of her stuff still with me. I feel like the longer it is there, the better. I also dont think my W is done. And she texted you twice, but she did that recently. It isnt like she had been texting you and stopped. You are strong enough to see this through.

What do you want to happen with her stuff? Where is your boundary on that?

What if you came up with a solution based on your needs and then backed into a next step?

But it might be helpful to find MLC25years story to see how long she was NC. It may put things in a little perspective. Five weeks feels like a long time to you. When my H first asked to separate he asked for three months. It won't be three months until 7/22 but he signed a 12-month lease on 6/1. So it may be that things get bleaker before they get better.

This is where that whole "gift of time" thing comes in. DB-ing is for yourself, to take the time to get healthy, to make sustained changes that bring you closer to the person you want to be. You've done quite a lot of that thus far and I know you want your blue ribbon. Defining the blue ribbon as contact with WAW isn't helpful.

You want *her* to be the one to rip off the bandaid. Why give her that power? If you want to start peeling it off, you can. You don't have to wait for her.

Um, the metaphor starts faltering here. Is she the nasty bandaid you're getting rid of or the wound underneath? Obviously you wouldn't put the nasty old bandaid back on, so we'll call that a metaphor for the dead relationship. You want a clean, healing relationship that won't give you a horrible infection, right? So don't cling to the old one.

If WAW gave you the injury in the first place do you want to trust her to redress the wound? Or do you want to make sure it's well cared for before you cover it with another bandaid (relationship)?

This is why you don't count the minutes of NC. You're tending to your own needs. I know how hard that is. I really, really do. Tend to your own needs for now. Heal your wounds and give her patience to do the same. Assume she won't be back for a while and move forward as a person who can live with that. You'll be stronger for whatever happens, and perhaps you'll lose track of the rope in there somewhere.

What they ^^^ said...

Originally Posted By: Thornton

Ive been NC since the day she left 5 weeks ago. She's texted me twice in that time frame. This feels like eternal limbo.

YOU are creating your own limbo...

That is a LOT of guilt and pressure to apply to her, ya know...

Letting her be responsible for YOUR life...

So I'm starting to see the common theme here.

Basically, do everything I can to truly get over WAW, let her go and don't look back. Truly move on and give up on reconciling our relationship. An maybe, just maybe, she will want to return sometime in the future (if I haven't moved on already with someone else)?

Is that what DB'ing is all about?

"Is that what DB'ing is all about?"

No it's not. You detach from the WAS with the understanding that you can't control the other person and increase positive interactions through trial and error. That might even mean giving them space. And you don't obsess over them day and night.

Did you actually read the books?

Yes, I have read DR.

The trial and error part is where I get confused. I've been advised by everyone to go NC (which I've done and haven't faltered at all). I have received two texts from her in 5 weeks.

The book mentions experiment and monitor results. But all I do is NC. How am I to experiment when all I do is NC?

Originally Posted By: Thornton

Yes, I have read DR.

The trial and error part is where I get confused. I've been advised by everyone to go NC (which I've done and haven't faltered at all). I have received two texts from her in 5 weeks.

The book mentions experiment and monitor results. But all I do is NC. How am I to experiment when all I do is NC?

First of all...define success ????

What you are doing HAS worked....

You are just too focused on the forest to see the trees...

Two weeks ago, you were wondering IF you would ever hear from her again...and now..what ?

Twice in two weeks ???

Sounds like progress to me, just not on YOUR timetable....

Wow... Mach, thank you.

You're right. I lost my focus on noticing the little things. I have made some progress in my sitch, albeit very subtle.

Thanks again for keeping me on the straight and narrow. Don't give up on me, I feel so fortunate to have you guys in my corner.

So forget about the "sitch" for now....

What kind of progress have you made on YOU ???

What are you working through in IC ???

I've been in therapy, reading, reading, reading, working out in the gym, and spending time with my daughter.

In therapy, I've been working on some codependancy issues (control).

So you want my advice here Thorn huh? Well you already know what I'm going to say NC NC NC NC NC!!! LOL! It works my friend! As someone said above...you are making it sound like 5 weeks with only two texts...the proper way to think of it is 4 1/2 weeks of NC and your WAW starts to cave...contacting you twice in a short amount of time. So doesn't it stand to reason that you should keep doing EXACTLY what you are doing? It should! I am shocked at how well NC works in fact. As I've told you, my WAW has contacted me no less than 10 times, either in person or via phone messages (that I reply in e-mail to) since she left over a month ago. I have initiated contact with her a whopping ZERO times! Things I notice about my sitch? She still insists on calling when she knows I am only going to reply via e-mail...so why isn't my WAW just e-mailing her issue/question? Because she wants to talk to me that's why. So please, STAY NC...that is my advice...you are trying to turn a positive (two postives in fact since your WAW contacted you twice) into a negative and you shouldn't. You are doing exactly what I think you should be doing. You're getting in her head. That's why she asked "is this easy for you?" Why, of all things, would she ask THAT? Because she thinks you're not really bothered by it as much as she was hoping you'd be. So keep up what you're doing and do not contact her at all. Let her worry about her things...let her be the one to contact you about them. Good job Thorn! 5 weeks is a long time to wait but you got what you set out to get...twice even!! Sounds good to me!

Roger that, my friend! Thanks for the encouragement!

That sounds very familiar Thornton...Not sure where im getting this from...

Hi Thornton.
Just my 2 cents on some observations.....

I want to take you back to the Fathers Day text exchange...
I put in bold texts some of the comments your wife made that shows some insights that I thought were encouraging.

Quote:

Just received another text.
WAW: Are you doing good?
Me: Keeping busy! My dad said thank for thinking of him smile. You?
WAW: Truth??? Im ok. Ive been doing good things for me and D, but I have very strong moments of sadness. Its just weird that's all. Im hanging in there smile
Me: Glad you are doing things with D. You are a strong person WAH, you're strong than you think smile
WAW: You seen perfectly fine, has this been easy for you?
Me: Easy? No. I didn't want this WAH but I don't have any other option than to respect your decision. I want you to be happy.
WAW: I'm sorry, I didn't mean that in an accusing way. Like I said, I didn't want this to be angry. I didn't want it this way either. Im feeling too much right now... Im sorry.
Me: Don't apologize, I understand.

Thoughts????

She asks you if you want the truth? Then says "I'm ok"
and then follows it with "I have very strong moments of sadness".... and then.. "I'm hanging in there."

If I didn't know better, I could have easily thought those comments could have been the same things you could have said to her about how you feel,if your were totally honest.

Please note the words she used.... "VERY STRONG moments of sadness"

She didn't just say she had moments of sadness, but very strong moments of sadness. More than likely she opened up like this to you because you have kept the pressure off of her by leaving her to her thoughts. If you had been calling her and bugging her (like many do) 2 or 3 times a day it wouldn't have given her a chance to go through the sadness. She would have probably been trying so hard to be left alone that her only thoughts would have been things like.."What does he want now" or "I hope he doesn't call today and want to talk about getting back together"... things like that.

Quote:

My WAW is a silly, fun-loving, person. She's always been that way. To see the switch like this really makes me question if she is just out living it up.

I noticed that you mentioned this about your wife. "Silly, fun-loving person."

Maybe you should take a page out of her playbook.

You know Thornton I love silly, fun-loving people. I think most people like silly fun-loving people. They make you feel good about life. They are fun to be around. Others are attracted to them.. That is a great quality...

I highly recommend that you take note of that quality and develop it in yourself.

Quote:

I've been in therapy, reading, reading, reading, working out in the gym, and spending time with my daughter.

In therapy, I've been working on some codependancy issues (control).

Now... (and please don't take this wrong)Do you know what that sounds like to someone who is a silly and fun-loving person?..... BORING.... It comes across to me like you are bored out of your skull.. "I'm ok, reading, reading some more and reading some more... pushing myself to go to the gym"..

You don't come across to me as LOVING those things. Don't get me wrong, reading and going to the gym can be great things, but there is a big difference in reading and going to the gym out of your love to do them and reading to pass time for something to do. I would also make a guess that your reading is almost exclusively about relationships and such.... Again, nothing wrong with having that in your life, but silly fun-loving people have a whole lot more in their agenda about enjoying life..

Quote:

Good to hear your GAL - that is essential to your success! If you don't treat you as valuable, why should anyone else? Write your bucket list, find what puts a bounce in your step and pursue it. My guess is that you were just being you when you won her the first time, right?

That quote was FREE of charge from Chuck, one of the divorce busting coaches. I really like what he said about "find what puts a bounce in your step".. That's a great line that I am going to use. (Thanks Chuck)..

Thornton.. FIND something that puts a bounce in your step. Even if for part of a day.. Then go read, read, read and go to the gym.... Baby steps....

Quote:

Good work, take your babysteps. While you are at it, make sure you get a good dose of laughter every day! Jim Gaffigan, Josh Blue, Tim Hawkins - whoever cracks you up. It's a quick and easy mood lifter.

Another FREE bit of advice from Chuck the divorce busting coach..... "get a good dose of laughter"....

Maybe your wife just wanted to be silly and laugh and have fun once in a while..
Not only will these things help you Thornton, but it could very well attract your wife back... Most women that I know love to be around a man who has fun and likes to laugh. Little inside jokes between only the two of you... Your wife has given you the playbook. Chuck has given you a game plan.

One other note... I would encourage you to try and change your mindset on the no contact. You make it sound to me like it is a chore and a rule.. Again.. BORING... Even though I don't think you should call her just yet, even if you do call her it isn't the call itself that sets you back. It is what your say and how you come across to her that makes the impact.
If you call all sad and want to talk about the relationship, then I would say it will set you back. If you call and keep it light, stay away from pressuring her and make it short and sweet and nice with a pleasant tone in your voice, then it won't hurt you a bit. So, don't get to caught up in the call or not call, but more on this mindset..."I can call her anytime I want to, but I prefer to give her time to think right now because my gut tells me that. If and when I do call her I will project an attitude of inner happiness and calmness, have some small talk with her if conversation goes that way,then politely get off the phone." Short and sweet.

The not calling seems to be working. I realize it isn't at the pace you want, but her texting to you tells me that she is struggling a bit with this. Maybe as much or more than you. I would wait her out for awhile longer.

Good luck... Your project is... find something that puts a bounce in your step.... Learn how to be more silly and fun-loving..... Find things that make you laugh...

Just my 2 cents. Thanks for listening.
Good luck

You bet buddy! You've seen the proof in your own sitch now..and make NO MISTAKE...she WILL contact you again very, very soon... I know it. As long as you maintain strict NC and act happy and in a good mood whenever you do talk to her.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that the NC isn't always best. First of all, if you want to reconcile with your W, you're going to have to talk to her at some point. And the majority of the time it's not going to be from her wanting to fall back in your arms.

She's a new person. You can take the time to learn who that person is. That's the image she's projecting to any new people she meets. Second, the more you talk to her, the more you'll start to learn her likes and dislikes. Use those to your advantage. Knowledge is power.

What did you talk about during your last interaction? If there was a subject the two of you talked about on a pleasant note, then take note of it and repeat. You can't do that if you don't talk to her.

I'm not saying that you need to call her every day. But it wouldn't hurt to send her a little message every now and then.

Hey Bond,

I've been LRT for 5 weeks now. Wouldn't contacting her be considerered pursuing?

Below is our last interaction on Father's Day via text.

WAW: Happy Father's Day
WAW: I hope you have a great day Thornton!
Me: Thank you Give (her daughter) a hug and kiss for me
WAW: I will Tell your dad Happy Fathers Day too
WAW: OH! My brother and his gf had their baby yesterday!
Me: Tell them congrats! Happy for them
WAW: Thank you
WAW: Are you doing good?
Me: Keeping busy! My dad said thank for thinking of him . You?
WAW: Truth??? Im ok. Ive been doing good things for me and D, but I have very strong moments of sadness. Its just weird that's all. Im hanging in there
Me: Glad you are doing things with D. You are a strong person WAH, you're strong than you think
WAW: You seen perfectly fine, has this been easy for you?
Me: Easy? No. I didn't want this WAH but I don't have any other option than to respect your decision. I want you to be happy.
WAW: I'm sorry, I didn't mean that in an accusing way. Like I said, I didn't want this to be angry. I didn't want it this way either. Im feeling too much right now... Im sorry.
Me: Don't apologize, I understand.

"I've been LRT for 5 weeks now. Wouldn't contacting her be considerered pursuing?"

I think you have to reread my post to you. There are many people who keep saying that they're in NC with their spouse and don't know when to stop that. If you keep NC, how do you plan to reconcile? How long do you keep up NC? There is no set time. The timing is up to you.

I did read your Father's Day message and this is where you didn't use NC effectively.

"Easy? No. I didn't want this WAH but I don't have any other option than to respect your decision. I want you to be happy."

This shows her that your whole life depends on her. STop doing that. You should have said that you were doing great and that you had plans for that night. And that's that.

BTW, you need to start a new thread as this one will probably lock soon.

As always, I appreciate your input Mr Bond.

I think I'm going to wait until she reaches out to me one more time and then re-evaluate depending on how that convo goes.

My sitch is only 6 weeks old so I don't want to rush anything at this point. Eventually I will start to send out occasional texts (no relationship talk, light and friendly) and then evaluate how she reponds to those.

I dont think she is in a good place right now so I want to respect her space so she can process some of her feelings.

"Eventually I will start to send out occasional texts (no relationship talk, light and friendly) and then evaluate how she reponds to those."

That is fine. What I was worried about was everyone telling you to do NC, and what happens too often here is that people do NC to the point of never contacting the spouse ever, then wonder why their situation didn't change.

I would say it's perfectly fine to ask how your SD is doing especially since you raised her for half her life.

Thanks for the advice, Bond.