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Posted By: Accuray Game Over for Accuray, it's been a good ride - 05/04/14 07:01 PM
Well folks, it feels like I've been here forever! I initially caught my wife cheating on me in 2011 and at that point was successfully able to avoid divorce and get my marriage back together. At the time I considered it a success, but in retrospect, we never got to "good piecing" because my wife was never willing to do the work, she was willing to return to the marriage, but not to dig deep and work with me to create something better.

People here and other places have repeatedly warned me that what I had was not sustainable without W being willing to look at her own role in things, but I was more interested in keeping my family together than in issuing ultimatums. The person who cares least controls the relationship, and I simply cared more.

I did the best job I could to be a husband that only a fool would leave. I gave until I had nothing more to give, and then I gave some more for the sake of my kids. When I look back, I have no regrets, only pride in the fact that I was able to give my kids three more years of an intact and functional family.

Unfortunately, despite a reasonably good last three years of marriage, I have once again caught my wife cheating with a new co-worker. This time my line has been crossed. Despite all the discussions and agreements we had, she was not willing to work with me before straying and is convinced that her repeated desires to stray are due to the fact that she cannot connect with me in the way that she needs to.

Maybe she's right, I'm certain that's her reality and it is equally as valid as my own. For my part, my needs were not being met but I was willing to cope and make the best of it, it was a marriage I could live with. That said, I have to think there is more to life than coping.

One book that I found extremely helpful lately was "Getting the Love You Want" -- it was recommended by my new IC. It does an excellent job of describing the inevitable friction and power struggle in a long term marriage and what you can do to push through it, but also says that 95% of couples cannot and either quit or just settle for being unhappy. It's well worth a read!

This time around is much different, there is no anger on W's part, there are no accusations, no WAS spew. Only mutual sadness. She has agreed to put her affair on hold for six months while we work through a divorce. So far, it is as amicable as one could hope for. She will be moving out and I will stay in the house with my three kids.

Back in 2011, my world was shattered with the first discovery of infidelity. I felt like I was drowning, clawing for air, and could not survive without getting my wife back. I was convinced I would never be whole or happy again, and the pain was more than I could bear.

This time, there is sadness, I'm having the usual problems eating and sleeping, but there is also acceptance, and knowledge that I will weather the storm and come out stronger for it. In some ways, my wife did me a favor by ending the charade and agreeing to move out. There are a lot of things I'm grateful for.

My focus going forward will be my three kids, first and foremost, maintaining a great co-parenting relationship with my wife, and finally continuing on my own journey of discovery and improvement. The next Mrs. Accuray will be a lucky woman indeed. I'm just so sad it had to end up like this. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, there is simply nothing you can do. For it to work, you both have to want it, and one person trying to be married for two simply can't last.

Thanks all for your continued support and friendship

Acc
So sorry, Accuray.
I'm really sorry to hear that Acc, but you're attitude is really amazing. You have done the work, and you get to keep that, regardless of your W's choices.

If you are like me, the fact that you give it you're all, and then some, will bring you peace down the road. I have no regrets, because I know I did everything in my power. I think you'll feel the same.

Hang in there...
Thank you so much Breakdown and Sandi. I considered myself a DB success story and did not think it would come to this -- but such is life. I accept it for what it is and look forward to the next chapter.
trying to get there myself accuracy. Thank you for your perspective, my d too is starting...
know there will be good for me, but presently the pain is tremendous
I am so sorry, Acc. I know how hard you tried and how much you were willing to accept.

The thing is that we should never do this at the expense of us.

You fought like hell for your marriage and your family.

You have acted with dignity and honor.

You have loved with all you have.

That all matters, A. It will matter even more in the future.

We can only be responsible for our half, though. Thats the truth of it. No matter how hard we fight, we cannot make up for their half.

You will be going through a lot of emotions. Be kind to yourself. By feeling them and working through them all, you come out the other side whole.

I know the betrayal and rejection brings you pain. It is not a lacking in you, but a lacking in her. Please try to remember this isnt your failure.

Take it one moment at a time. Do not make decisions when you are emotional.

Your children will be ok if you are. You get the honor of showing them how to navigate through life's difficult moments. Show them well.

I know you will continue to walk your journey with dignity and courage.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Originally Posted By: Accuray
Thank you so much Breakdown and Sandi. I considered myself a DB success story and did not think it would come to this -- but such is life. I accept it for what it is and look forward to the next chapter.
Acc, you ARE a DB success story in the way YOU survived. Even in the last chapter of the book it speaks to things possibly ending in D. Your journey helped you to NOT be one of "those divorces".

I feel that your landing will be softer because of all that you have done. And I agree, your next partner will be very lucky indeed. As will you! you know what you want now (or at least what you don't want...). that's huge. I admire you.
So sorry to hear this Acc.

"Sometimes, despite our best efforts, there is simply nothing you can do. For it to work, you both have to want it, and one person trying to be married for two simply can't last."

^^^what u said here truly hits home to me. I feel the same way in my sitch and after a while you do start thinking that life is more than just coping.

Take care acc and those kids!

Newman
Your ex is a fool to walk away from a person who loves like you do.

It's not "Game Over", Accuray. It's the beginning of a new story. Your next leading lady will have caught herself a good man!
"but in retrospect, we never got to "good piecing" because my wife was never willing to do the work, she was willing to return to the marriage, but not to dig deep and work with me to create something better."

I feel for you, Acc. This is an extremely difficult yet crucial fact to accept. I am at least thankful that she is willing to move out and that the kids will have you to help them through this.

"This time, there is sadness, I'm having the usual problems eating and sleeping, but there is also acceptance, and knowledge that I will weather the storm and come out stronger for it."

Amen. You're definitely strong enough to accept the feelings for what they are and not run from them. That, in the long run, may be one of the best examples you can share with your kids. =@@=
Acc,

You will be fine. You know this as well as I do.

Feel what you need to and let it go.

The future isn't as scary as we might imagine. smile
So sorry to hear this Acc. I know how hard you fought for it to work. The process will have ups and downs but you will be ok. I'm living proof. And once you grieve and start to feel ok about life. Hold on cause the fun begins. Let us know how it goes =@@=
Acc,

I'm so sorry to hear this. This sukks. Like the others, however -- and even yourself in your post -- I know you will be okay.

Your fight for your family has earned my deep respect, as has your willingness to come here and "pay-it-forward" to so many others.


whistle whistle whistle whistle


Fwiw, I agree with your very difficult decision.


Starsky
You know I support you.

You've done what you needed to do to get to this place. It's much different from where you were 3-4 years ago.

Sadness is right where you should be, don't you think? And soon that will pass. You've been a great father to your kids but I have the feeling they're about to meet a new and even more fun and interesting Dad.

All the best, Acc ((( )))
=@@=
Hey Acc - I just wanted to come here and give my support as well. You've been a great influence and example to so many people here and I am sorry things did not work out for you.

It truly is sad that some people just cannot rise to the occasion when it comes to adversity and hardship as that is the only time that true learning and self-awareness is possible. At least this experience has given you that.

Best of luck Acc. Praying for you.
Accuray,

Your post has made me sad. Your's is one of the "voices" on this board that I enjoy "hearing" the most. I really wish things had been different for you in your marriage.

I know that you will survive this, and that you will ultimately find happiness again with someone else.

Stay strong,
HS
Acc, my thoughts and prayers are that you weather this blow and come out on the other side soon.

For me, having "something to work on" gave me a reason and a purpose to feel better about. You've done all the work in the world on how to be a great husband and partner, and you've walked the talk for a very long time.

If I can make a gentle suggestion, it would be to get at the heart of why you ended up with the W you did, and how you came to be married to her for so long and have kids with her. Some things you don't see from the front end that you notice looking back, and some of them will be about you in addition to those things you have learned about her.

You are in a position to be very appealing for someone who can't quite carry their own emotional weight, because you've been carrying it for two for so long and it's what you're used to. Take steps to break that potential cycle.

This post is intended not to find fault with you but to share parallels that I see between you and me, and related advice that I got from my IC.

May your next Mrs not be such a project. She will undoubtedly be lucky, but you should be lucky too.
Dear Accuray,

My thots and prayers are with you. Know that all the work you have done will pay off in your future experiences.

Be strong, and focus on yourself and your kids.

The best is yet to come...
Hey Acc....

You got this bro...

Feel it all, and let it wash over you...



“Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.”
― Gerard Way
So sorry, Accuray. I think whats important for all of us, regardless of the outcome, is that we act in such a way that we can be proud of ourselves. Best of luck to you.
Am very sorry Accuray for you and your family. I can onl agree with the others though, I think you have a lot to be proud of and you will start a new chapter of happiness.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Hey Acc....

You got this bro...

Feel it all, and let it wash over you...



“Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.”
― Gerard Way





I love that quote, Mach, and it reminded me of this song that has gotten me thru some pretty rough spots. Maybe you can get something out of it, Acc -- peace, bro!

I Will Rise
Thanks everyone. As strange as it seems BD#1 was a blessing. If I could get through that I can get through this. It is all entirely survivable.
Acc, you are an inspiration. Keep your head high
Accuray,

Its been a couple of years since my blow up with the wife, I'm doing well and in a much better place now, thanks for all the advice. I followed all your threads and couldn't figure out why you stayed in the relationship. Good luck on the next one.

Shaky
Accuray,

I am very sorry to hear this - you have always been a strong and wise person here, whose advice I appreciated very much. Best wishes for your future -

Luke
I am really saddened to read this. However, I've been where you are. The difference was my former wife was not willing to put her affair on hold and I think it was as important to the OM to get as fully in her life, just so she wouldn't necessarily look back or want to reconcile.

Today is my ex-wife's birthday and it was 30 years ago, today, that I discovered her affair. It was just a few days later that I revealed my awareness of it (the word "confronted" seems a little too incorrect, because the lack of confrontation actually allowed the exposure of just how serious and difficult this was going to become).

I empathize with you for your handling of fatherhood in the face of all of this. I say that I became a better father because of the experience because it shook me to my core and had me rearrange my priorities in life. Of course, I thought it would have been better had I/we been able to go through that discovery together, but that was never in the cards.

I believe that you will come out okay on the other side of all of this. The fact that your sense is that you gave it your all and that you didn't hold back will serve you well. But be mindful of this...that knowledge that even giving all you can give might not be enough for another person can also make it easier for you to walkaway. You can develop a sense of this: "if giving all that I can makes no difference, then why bother?"

That won't show up in your relationship with your children in all likelihood. But it may turn up in future relationships. Sometimes nothing we do makes any difference and that tends to run counter to what we've believed for most of our lives.

I wish you good sailing and calm waters in your future. There will be tough times, you can count on that. And there is "the other side" to be reached and you have the tools to accomplish that.

Your friend,
The Captain
Acc, I haven't been on here for a while and just noticed your post. I'm so sorry, I'm sick about this for you! Of all the things that could have happened! I could have understood if you had bailed because you needed something more authentic, or even if she had said she just couldn't do it anymore. But to do to you the same thing she did before???!! It makes my stomach ache!

I know it may not be any consolation to you right now, but you're a catch. You'll do well in your future, I have no doubt! You're in my thoughts and I'm hoping the absolute best for you.
I'm so sorry Acc. Why do some people often take for granted the very things that deserve our gratitude the most. I still remember all the advice and support you gave with my sitch 6month ago. You are a good example of a good man! You deserve a woman that will respect and be 100% committed to her marriage and family. Your kids will be lucky to have you man.
Accuray,
I've been reading your advice on the forum and went to check out your threads from the beginning (it's actually pretty hard because the threads are not all linked, but that's another story). I read your description of your XW and the pains you went through to try to save your marriage and it is very close parallel to mine. Your story is truly heartbreaking.

Can you come on my thread and comment on it based on your experience? Specifically, were there mistakes you made throughout the period that you would correct? I'm afraid my WW is very much like your XW, and that any Recovery will only be temporary. My first R lasted 17 years but in at least 9 of those years she has been mentally unfaithful. Were there signs and symptoms in your WW that you would have spotted early to tell you that R is impossible?
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