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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...t=11&page=1I've just found out H has still been seeing OW behind my back when he promised he'd cut contact, I've gone dark & ignoring his calls (all 8 & 3 texts!) and have arranged for MIL to drop off the kids for me again as a long term thing. I plan to go into work to do a handover then won't be working there for the foreseeable future.
I need your help & support to get me back on track, I feel so weak at the moment and my head is a mess again, I just feel like walking away & filing for divorce but I know what's not what I want deep down.
I just keep wondering if THAT is a man I want in my life, a man that can lie & manipulate people so well to satisfy his own selfish needs. I know I need to let go completely but I'm finding it so hard, I'm hoping this will help me let go now I know exactly what's going on.
I would appreciate as much support as possible as really struggling
thank you.
Upwards - I'm so sorry. I wish I could offer something that would make it easier (I'd share with everyone!).
Read over some of your previous posts when you were feeling stronger.
You have helped me in my short time here.
You are strong.
You are better than he is treating you.
Take it one day at a time.
{{{Hugs}}}
^^^^ +1
Hang in there. You *will* get through this.
I've just found out H has still been seeing OW behind my back when he promised he'd cut contact, I've gone dark & ignoring his calls (all 8 & 3 texts!) and have arranged for MIL to drop off the kids for me again as a long term thing. I plan to go into work to do a handover then won't be working there for the foreseeable future.
I need your help & support to get me back on track, I feel so weak at the moment and my head is a mess again, I just feel like walking away & filing for divorce but I know what's not what I want deep down.
I just keep wondering if THAT is a man I want in my life, a man that can lie & manipulate people so well to satisfy his own selfish needs. I know I need to let go completely but I'm finding it so hard, I'm hoping this will help me let go now I know exactly what's going on.
I would appreciate as much support as possible as really struggling thank you.
Upwards just relax and live with your feelings now, they will pass.
Its important that at this point you focus on yourself and dont do anything out of the feelings you are having now.
Cut contact and dedicate to yourself, detach and remove him as a partner view of your life now. Deal with him as a business partner and thats all, write down if necessary:
I will not deal with him in no emotional way untill he shows a total change of actions from his side.
This changes involved: (list here how would you like him to be in order to deal with him)
He is an addict and he cant see none of this as an unhealthy reaction. But for you its of vital and extreme importance to detach from a sick behaviour, you are not responsible of the things he is doing, thats his business and his problems.
It will take long for him to recover from this, so its important that you get away from that behaviour. Addicts currently have a self destruction behaviour untill they touch bottom, you have to let him touch bottom and get out of his way.
Youll be ok, we are here for you
Thanks, feel very numb & calm at the moment - I know I need to walk away from him, i know what I need to do & just need to find the strength to do it and not back down.
Wow I feel anxious & really sad today
think it's because I know what I have to do, walk away & not look back, for the time being anyway! I know it's what's best for me & the kids, why is it so difficult & feel so wrong though.
Sorry Upwards. Best advice I can give you is HOLD YOUR BOUNDARY. If you bend, you will start cycling and that is no way to live (and I say that from experience).
H is going to have to feel like he's really lost you before he's even going to be able to consciously make a choice regarding his future. The bad news is, for him to feel like that, you really have to set him free...and ultimately, set yourself free. That's hard stuff.
Wow I feel anxious & really sad today
think it's because I know what I have to do, walk away & not look back, for the time being anyway! I know it's what's best for me & the kids, why is it so difficult & feel so wrong though.
I think you have to put that "best for me and the kids" hat on and keep it on. You should be making decisions for YOU. What is best for you? What is going to make you happy? How do you protect your heart? Sometimes the answers are difficult, but if you know they are right for you, follow through with them.
Hang in there...this is just a dip in the roller coaster ride. There will be better days.
Dealing with an addicted partner is hard. I had a long term GF that was alcoholic and was so good at hiding her drinking and just so amazingly good at deception and lies.
Boundaries should be firm and not bent. They don't have to be permanent but as long as they are in place they need to be steadfast.
Keep strong and diligent.
Sorry Upwards. Best advice I can give you is HOLD YOUR BOUNDARY. If you bend, you will start cycling and that is no way to live (and I say that from experience).
I'm going to, I HAVE to! I've not even told him I'm cutting contact I just have - I won't be responding to anything unless it's absolutely necessary until I've has some space and got my head together. I'm then going to ask him to meet me for a chat in a few weeks, I'm going to tell him that I'm no longer his friend or a part of his life so I DO NOT want to talk about anything other than kids/finances/business & I will be amicable when handing over the kids but the line is drawn there, I have no desire to play his games or be manipulated anymore. I'm back in control!!!
H is going to have to feel like he's really lost you before he's even going to be able to consciously make a choice regarding his future. The bad news is, for him to feel like that, you really have to set him free...and ultimately, set yourself free. That's hard stuff.
Oh he has lost me, I'm done & I have no idea if this will change I'm the future but for now I'm well & truly done with him and his chaos. He's free, I want as little contact as possible so that I can get on with my life without him always being there in the background checking I'm still an option, this option has left the building!!!
I think you have to put that "best for me and the kids" hat on and keep it on. You should be making decisions for YOU. What is best for you? What is going to make you happy? How do you protect your heart? Sometimes the answers are difficult, but if you know they are right for you, follow through with them.
Removing him from my life is what's best & it makes me sad to say it but removing him will also make me happier in the long run, it's just this initial period which is going to be difficult but I know it's the ONLY way forwards - we've tried every other way and it's just caused more pain & upset.
I need to face my fears and do this, I need to stop being scared and embrace this new adventure, I'll get there - I'm just putting one foot infront of the other right now.
Dealing with an addicted partner is hard. I had a long term GF that was alcoholic and was so good at hiding her drinking and just so amazingly good at deception and lies.
Boundaries should be firm and not bent. They don't have to be permanent but as long as they are in place they need to be steadfast.
Keep strong and diligent.
He's stopped the substances and is now chasing anything else that gives him a temporary high, ie sex! It's sad really, he's a good man underneath but that man is too weak to overcome the addict in him. I've stood by and supported him for many years, it's time to let him fall & deal with the consequences of his choices.
My boundary is that I won't be part of his life whilst he has OW there, I'm NC at the moment because I need some space then in a few weeks I'm happy to do handover of the kids & important stuff via email but nothing more than that and I'm going to be clear that I am not his friend.
It's going to be difficult but I'm determine to look after me now (& the kids of course!) and he can go to hell for the time being!!
It's amazing the sense of peace I feel when not I'm contact with my H, I still feel hurt, sad & a little anxious but I also feel in control of my life and in control of my emotions.
It's so sad that the man I've spent the past 12yrs with has become so toxic that I feel the need to cut him from my life but I have to protect myself (& in turn our kids) and so he's left me with no choice - he's acting out in any way possible to mask his pain & guilt, he's not dragging me down with him.
I've got lots of GAL planned this week - Today I'm taking the kids out with my Mum. This week also going to my support group, meeting a friend for lunch, out with MIL, clothes shopping, girls night out, lots of "me time" and seeing my IC.
Today I am grateful for:
* My wonderful children.
* A warm & safe home,
* Supportive family & friends.
* Feeling stable (ish!).
* My strength!
There you go! GAL is seriously what helps keep us sane during these times, so keep that up!
Another overall good day, I feel FREE from the chaos & intensity of my old life - I've had intense waves of various emotions but just trying to allow them to pass and feel them, also trying to figure where they're coming from and why. A lot of anger, I'm hanging into it at the moment as it's driving me forwards & allowing me to keep focus AWAY from him & stop me feeling sorry for him.
He's tried to contact me a few times via text and email, I've just ignored as none were urgent or required a response. He ended his last email with "sorry it's come to this x" which I found quite amusing & slightly insulting!!
Been doing lots of GAL and connecting with friends as I've realised I've been hiding myself away, been shopping today for new clothes as I've lost lots of weight
Great update Up! Getting out really does help. I had to force myself at first and even have to remind myself every once in a while to get back out there. New clothes are always awesome and a great reward after the weight loss, even if I would not recommend the bomb drop diet to anyone
Upwards - Just wanted to drop in to say that it is great to hear about you feeling stronger again. You really have been so strong and come such a long way. You can do this!
(((Upwards)))
Great update Up! Getting out really does help. I had to force myself at first and even have to remind myself every once in a while to get back out there. New clothes are always awesome and a great reward after the weight loss, even if I would not recommend the bomb drop diet to anyone
Yes I feel awesome, the constant compliments on how fantastic I look & how well I look are a welcome boost to my confidence
been out & about all week and it feels good to be around people instead of hiding away - also makes me realise that I'm not the only one who thinks H is crazy!!!
Upwards - Just wanted to drop in to say that it is great to hear about you feeling stronger again. You really have been so strong and come such a long way. You can do this!
(((Upwards)))
I'm pretty amazed at how far I've come in the past 9mths & how much I've learnt about myself, I'm truly thankful for this experience for that alone because I never would have had such a deep insight into myself and my marriage. I have a way to go yet though but feel like I'm on the right track.
I feel so detached it's untrue, it's so nice to have some peace & to not feel consumed by this separation - it ISNT my whole life, I've spent a long time feeling like it is but I have so much more going for me aside from my marriage - it's time to LIVE again, yes I'm sad but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it now.
Well my H keeps sending me random emails about insignificant things that he thinks I'll respond to, he's basically testing the water as he's had no response from me since last Friday & I'd imagine he's missing contact now (going off his track record!).
Staying completely NC and not caving in to his contact is a huge 180 for me but I need to do it for my own sanity for a few weeks. I also refuse to be treated with no respect & he isn't capable of that right now.
Is it normal for your feelings to fade when you detach from a person? I know I still love H & care deeply for him but I no longer feel that intense love, worry and needing to makes sure he's ok - it's the opposite, I don't want anything to do with him and have completely let go, I feel done.
I just feel a huge sense of sadness but also acceptance of the situation and where I'm at today, I stand by what I've said in the pas that this HAD to happen to break the cycle of our relationship and allow us both to find happiness however now I've also fully accepted it too.
A big worry at the moment is that if him & OW get serious it will bring a whole new set of problems as I will not allow her to see my kids under any circumstances & will fight this in court if needed, the nature of their R at the moment seems to be friends with benefits but who knows how it will play out.
I'm focusing a lot on GAL but most importantly I'm focusing on my children an trying to provide a stable and loving home for them regardless of the fact that their Daddy is a complete & utter fool!!
Feeling a little sad today, just allowing the feelings and getting on with my day.
Upwards, I think the whole point of loving detachment means you still care about them but your emotions aren't tied to their behavior. So, I'd say you're on the right track.
It's okay to be sad (I mean, as far as don't try to fight it. Don't wallow in it either...) you're still grieving, and that's not a linear process. Hopefully you won't stay there for long!
Hang in there...
A big worry at the moment is that if him & OW get serious it will bring a whole new set of problems as I will not allow her to see my kids under any circumstances & will fight this in court if needed, the nature of their R at the moment seems to be friends with benefits but who knows how it will play out.
Why do you feel this way? Is there danger to the kids, or is this frustration and anger bubbling up?
I'd be careful here...you can't control who your H sees, who he chooses to introduce your children to, or how he behaves when he has the children. And make no mistake, they will not do it the way you would.
I'm focusing a lot on GAL but most importantly I'm focusing on my children an trying to provide a stable and loving home for them regardless of the fact that their Daddy is a complete & utter fool!!
This part started so confident and strong...but ended bitter. Think about it...
Yes there is potential danger - she's an ex crack addict I'm early recovery, her own kids are in care so I don't want her near mine. I understand I can't stop who he sees but I don't want my kids near someone like that until I'm satisfied she's safe & social services clearly don't think she is at the moment. She's also a professional pick-pocket just for good measure!
I'm angry at him at the moment for not providing for his kids yes, sad but true!
Good morning,
I was a member years ago, saved my marriage, after 8 yrs it ended. I have moved on met someone that I thought was Ok, took her for granted after 2 yrs. I find myself now alone and she wants nothing to do with me. My question is; I want to get back with her, give her the ring I told I would give her five months ago and try to work on a new life with her. I cant stop thinking about her, she wont respond to my calls or text.
Please help.
My H is still constantly contacting me, I'm not responding & he really isn't getting it... I've had 2 emails, 2 calls & 2 texts today - all about work stuff that he can easily figure himself and all asking how I am. He's trying to get back in desperately & it's not working, WHY WHY WHY can't he just live with his choices and leave me to my life?!
Been to see my IC and she was amazed at the difference in me, she couldn't believe how different I seem and how much more in control and determine I seem - she said she finally got a picture of me as a person instead of me being consumed by my H and this situation. I'm living my life for ME and in pursuit of my own happiness I'm off out tomorrow with the girls, woohoo!
This morning I received an email from my D6 teacher to make me aware that she's very withdrawn at school and doesn't want to join in a lot of the class activities and that its like she's shut down her behavior has not been great at home and she's been very angry - I'm giving her lots of reassurance & supporting her as best I can, it's very tough seeing my children struggling and not being able to protect them from this.
Very mixed day today, I'm doing ok overall though & getting stronger every day.
WHY WHY WHY can't he just live with his choices and leave me to my life?!
I think that's somewhat obvious....
I'm giving her lots of reassurance & supporting her as best I can, it's very tough seeing my children struggling and not being able to protect them from this.
I'd consider talking to your IC about it....some counseling might be helpful. I know there are programs out there specifically designed for kids.
Very mixed day today, I'm doing ok overall though & getting stronger every day.
Keep going! It is a process...it takes time...and you have ups and downs.
Upwards, I'm taking my girls to a play therapist - who can see how they are doing with the situation...you may look into it. for your D.
The therapist uses play and simple child-friendly ways to see how they are feeling and try and help them.
I know its so hard when you can see your child hurting. Offer lots of hugs and make sure she know she can always talk. About anything on her mind.
WHY WHY WHY can't he just live with his choices and leave me to my life?!
I think that's somewhat obvious....
What am I missing, he wants his cake & to eat it?!
I've had another 2 emails; begging me to talk to him, asking if i'm alright, saying he's sorry, saying that he hates all this...
I'd consider talking to your IC about it....some counseling might be helpful. I know there are programs out there specifically designed for kids.
I've spoken to school to see if they have a counselor, if not i'll look into private or NHS. My IC has given me some tips to help her open up to me so going to try that too.
Keep going! It is a process...it takes time...and you have ups and downs.
I feel FREE again, my life seems hopeful again
amazing feeling! I DESERVE happiness & i've got every intention of finding it.
Seriously questioning whether i'm still "standing" anymore, really not sure my H can ever give me what I need to be fulfilled in a relationship, although I suppose miracles do happen.
Upwards, I'm taking my girls to a play therapist - who can see how they are doing with the situation...you may look into it. for your D.
The therapist uses play and simple child-friendly ways to see how they are feeling and try and help them.
I know its so hard when you can see your child hurting. Offer lots of hugs and make sure she know she can always talk. About anything on her mind.
She was talking lots, I often ask does she have any "worries in her bag" (relating to a book about worrying we have) and she was opening up but she's started just saying no she's ok but clearly she isnt so I need to try & coax her to open up. Going to have a chat with her tonight after S3 is in bed
Thanks Jenn.
What am I missing, he wants his cake & to eat it?!
I've had another 2 emails; begging me to talk to him, asking if i'm alright, saying he's sorry, saying that he hates all this...
[quote]
Up - I have been through the exact same thing since I started to really enforce my boundary that I wont have a R with H until he no longer has a R with the OW. My H does not like the boundary at all. For the first two weeks he REALLY tried to push them. I wanted to yell "Just leave me alone." He has gotten better since for the most part. I did email him about the kids on Wed after we had not talked at all for two days and he immediately emailed and called at the same time to give me the exact same response.
I talked to my IC this morning about it. She says that I have changed our dynamic. She says that my H realizes that I have changed and the old tricks are no longer working. She thinks that it has thrown him for a loop and he does not know what to do.
And I also think that your H (like mine) wants loves cake eating. Over the past couple of months, we had ML a few times and were getting closer. I realized I needed more and pulled away. He does not like it because he had a pretty awesome set up. Based on what you have said, it seems like you were in a similar situation.
You seem SO MUCH stronger since you went NC. Don't let him get to you. Continue to change the dynamic. You are doing great
[quote=Upwards]
Seriously questioning whether i'm still "standing" anymore, really not sure my H can ever give me what I need to be fulfilled in a relationship, although I suppose miracles do happen.
I really don't think that you need to decide whether you are still "standing" at the moment. All you need to do is worry about you and keep walking forward. Let go of the outcome because that really is freeing. You don't need to decide today whether or not you could have a future with your H.
I really don't think that you need to decid e whether you are still "standing" at the moment. All you need to do is worry about you and keep walking forward. Let go of the outcome because that really is freeing. You don't need to decide today whether or not you could have a future with your H.
I think its just because it came up in IC that its made me think more deeply about it I suppose - I most certainly am just thinking of myself & moving forwards, feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders
WHY WHY WHY can't he just live with his choices and leave me to my life?!
I think that's somewhat obvious....
What am I missing, he wants his cake & to eat it?!
I've had another 2 emails; begging me to talk to him, asking if i'm alright, saying he's sorry, saying that he hates all this...
To leave the relationship he has with you completely, or to fully commit to work on the relationship with you (i.e giving up OW), he'd had to take a leap of faith. There are no guarantees either way. Clearly he's not read to do either of those...so what are his options? Keep those plates spinning!
That's basically what NC does...it makes the choice for them. We pull our own plate out of the game and then see what they do. Sometimes they decide our plate is what they want and they come running, sometimes they live with their choice, and sometimes they simply bounce around for months or years until they figure it out.
The key here is that it's not about him....it's about you. It doesn't matter what or who he chooses....you are still going to be the same awesome person, moving forward, finding happiness, taking care of your children and yourself. So instead of worrying about "why," instead of worrying about his choices, make your own choice...and choose you.
We pull our own plate out of the game and then see what they do. Sometimes they decide our plate is what they want and they come running, sometimes they live with their choice, and sometimes they simply bounce around for months or years until they figure it out.
Yes that makes sense now - he's still texting me & emailing me several times a day, even though I haven't replied once in the past 9 days. This plate has been removed!
He collected the kids this morning (his Mum isnt available on a Sunday) so I sent the kids to the door and stayed inside so I didn't have to see or speak to him - this morning as he was closing the door he shouted "see you later W" in a really sad voice.
The key here is that it's not about him....it's about you. It doesn't matter what or who he chooses....you are still going to be the same awesome person, moving forward, finding happiness, taking care of your children and yourself. So instead of worrying about "why," instead of worrying about his choices, make your own choice...and choose you.
I absolutely have done, I love him but I love myself so much more - Its amazed me the sense of freedom I feel since fully letting him go, I miss him at times & wonder if he's doing ok but I no longer have a constant sense of dread when I think about this situation.
I've been given the most precious gift, the gift of finding myself again and molding my life to suit my needs & wants without the overpowering influence of another person. I know my worth now, I know that I deserve to be treated with respect & dignity and I am not willing to accept anything less from anyone including my H.
The acceptance that my H may not be able to fulfil the requirements I now have for a R has been very difficult, probably the most difficult part of this process so far, I have been in denial for a long time due to my own fears but I've forced myself to face up to it & it seems that was the final piece of the "letting go" puzzle.
I cant stay completely NC long term due to the kids/business but plan to for another couple of weeks then move to LC & remain emotionally unavailable as I need that energy to focus on myself; I'm going to ask H to meet me and put some boundaries in place for our coparenting & business relationships to maintain my own protection and to ensure that he's clear on the way I expect that to work (no R talks, no personal talk, we are not friends etc).
You sound great...and really, that's pretty amazing given the short time you've been in your sitch.
I'm going to ask H to meet me and put some boundaries in place for our coparenting & business relationships to maintain my own protection and to ensure that he's clear on the way I expect that to work (no R talks, no personal talk, we are not friends etc).
Be careful here. Make sure you're ready for it. Make sure you can stop the discussion as he steers it to your relationship (and he will). You may want to practice the talk a bit, and have some backup plans in place should it get difficult (i.e. let's continue this on Tues, I have an appt).
I really do feel so much better about everything - life is beginning to be enjoyable again & my future is exciting, the possibilities are endless!! I know there are going to be many more twists & turns but I'm confident that I can do this & come out a stronger & happier person.
It's my sons birthday in 2 weeks & we will have to spend time together then, I need to get this stuff in place before then ideally.
Yes my IC has said exactly the same as you, I'm 99.9% sure he's going to want to discuss our R and I don't want that at all. I've also been working on the boundaries that fit best with my needs but also are sustainable without any major disagreements being likely - I just want some peace & the space to move forward with my life, I hope he respects that.
My IC has also advised me to practise how to stop any conversations I'm not happy with when at work & try to think up ways he may try to manipulate me into those discussions so I can be prepared to stop him as soon as poss.
Thanks for your input Breakdown!
Upwards, you sounds like you are in such as good place! In control of you! Its inspiring!
Just received this email from H, we've been completely NC (well I have!) for the past 10 days after me finding out he was seeing OW again... I'm going to reply tomorrow about the kids as had planned to contact about them then anyway, do I acknowledge the rest or not, thoughts please?
W, we can t carry on like this, the whole thing is a big mess. Im so sad about it all I feel so out of place.
Wot r we doing for D3's birthday? Am I buying him a present? How is the house going? Av u done that tax return? Is D6 ok she seemed fine with me. I truly hope ur ok? X I miss u all I admit it x
Bump
Well that's a positive, he misses you! Even if its just by email.
Well that's a positive, he misses you! Even if its just by email.
He's been constantly emailing & texting me since being NC, clearly missing me a lot. I just don't know whether to just ignore those parts of the email or acknowledge them?!
I don't know, mine refuses to pick up the phone, barely spoke to me last time I saw him in public. Rarely responds to text (his answer your nasty)
Last time I saw him in private he strutted up and down like a peacock making how good he is, going out of his way to organise some thing for me.
It was already organised he just interfered and muddied the arrangements. Or will go to great lengths to pretend there is no ow, but take her out hand in hand in public.
He hasn't noticed nc or even lc. So I'm no expert, clearly.
Just received this email from H, we've been completely NC (well I have!) for the past 10 days after me finding out he was seeing OW again... I'm going to reply tomorrow about the kids as had planned to contact about them then anyway, do I acknowledge the rest or not, thoughts please?
W, we can t carry on like this, the whole thing is a big mess. Im so sad about it all I feel so out of place.
Wot r we doing for D3's birthday? Am I buying him a present? How is the house going? Av u done that tax return? Is D6 ok she seemed fine with me. I truly hope ur ok? X I miss u all I admit it x
I'd leave it alone. He knows your boundary...until he's willing to adhere to it, he's just trying to get your plate spinning again.
That said, it is progress....but he's got a ways farther to go before he's ready to do something about it. Give him that time.
I replied with:
You've created this situation H, this is the reality of your choices - you ended your marriage, your having an affair & you've destroyed your family. This is what YOU wanted?!
You've made it impossible for me to have any kind of contact with you - if that makes your life difficult then thats something you'll have to deal with because there is no way I will allow you to treat me the way that you have been & disrespect me like you have.
And then just answered his questions about the kids etc and updated him on a few things coming up for them.
Careful. The problem with your response is that it opens a dialogue....he will respond, and then the back and forth may begin. Then he says the right things (note, "says", not "does"), and the next thing you know, your plate is spinning.
My suggestion would be to leave the rest alone regardless what he says at this point....keep it to "bills and boys."
Well done Up! My H is playing the poor me hard at the moment, just like your H. Um...they chose this path. It is all on them. You are my inspiration to keep my boundary in place!! Way to go girl
Careful. The problem with your response is that it opens a dialogue....he will respond, and then the back and forth may begin. Then he says the right things (note, "says", not "does"), and the next thing you know, your plate is spinning.
My suggestion would be to leave the rest alone regardless what he says at this point....keep it to "bills and boys."
Yeh I understand that, I'm not going to reply again I just wanted to make my position clear - he's been emailing/texting me several times daily & i've never replied so he clearly doesn't mind talking to himself anyway lol
he isnt giving up i'll give him that!
He knows what he wanted to know now so there is no need for further communication unless its something important relating to the kids.
My plate is staying on solid ground & not jumping onto the roller coaster that is his life!
Well done Up! My H is playing the poor me hard at the moment, just like your H. Um...they chose this path. It is all on them. You are my inspiration to keep my boundary in place!! Way to go girl
Oh its such a shame for them isnt it
poor poor H's can no longer cake-eat, what cruel wives we are lol!
My H knows how stubborn I am, thats probably why he's panicking - if he missed me that much he'd be getting off his ass and doing something about this situation he's created instead of trying to pacify me with his words.
Its about time they realised that we wont be treated like doormats!
he isnt giving up i'll give him that!
We'll see. The problem here is that he knows exactly what he needs to do to have you in his life. He's just not ready to do it....yet. Any give on your part, let's him slide....so hold firm.
he isnt giving up i'll give him that!
We'll see. The problem here is that he knows exactly what he needs to do to have you in his life. He's just not ready to do it....yet. Any give on your part, let's him slide....so hold firm.
Yes I really need to for my own sake regardless of my marriage - the thing i'm worried about is that i'm going to have to start working with him again in a couple of weeks, that will be when it gets tough...
He's just replied....
I'm just so mixed up at the moment, I've made my bed and will have to lie in it, I miss my family. Hope your ok I really do. Sorry for putting u through all this. Thank u for being a good wife x
Another email from H this morning....
I feel so guilty about D6, I just don't know wot to do?
I'm realizing now I've got to do this on my own, I'm not happy the way things are. I hate the way I've been, I'm so sorry.
My W says things like this and I hate it. Its always, I'm sorry you had to go through this or I feel bad about the kids. It never comes off as reflection of what they need to work on or change in life. Its just guilt and never feels like they wish they could change choices.
I'm not saying he doesn't, I just don't think they are good apologies.
Maybe validate and empathize and appreciate his apology... and that's it? (I.e. don't enter a R discussion, don't spew or say "this was your choice blah blah blah". Respond in a kind but detached way, I think. I'm not sure I would respond to "what to do" about D6 either. .. (he hasn't really asked you anyway).
And he hasn't said, "I am ready to work on our R".
Keep focusing on YOU and D6. Stay off the rollercoaster. She needs a stable parent--and right now that is YOU.
Hang in there.
My W says things like this and I hate it. Its always, I'm sorry you had to go through this or I feel bad about the kids. It never comes off as reflection of what they need to work on or change in life. Its just guilt and never feels like they wish they could change choices.
I'm not saying he doesn't, I just don't think they are good apologies.
I know what you mean, i'll give him his due he is working hard in IC and trying to face his demons (or he was last time we were in contact!) - he's been through rehab and had very intensive therapy so I think thats helped pave the way for him doing this part himself if that makes sense.
Time will tell if he actually takes steps to change the things he dislikes or not - he is very depressed & very unhappy, he cant go on like that forever.
Maybe validate and empathize and appreciate his apology... and that's it? (I.e. don't enter a R discussion, don't spew or say "this was your choice blah blah blah". Respond in a kind but detached way, I think. I'm not sure I would respond to "what to do" about D6 either. .. (he hasn't really asked you anyway).
And he hasn't said, "I am ready to work on our R".
Keep focusing on YOU and D6. Stay off the rollercoaster. She needs a stable parent--and right now that is YOU.
Hang in there.
We are NC at the moment aside from an email I sent him yesterday including an update on the kids/work/finances etc so i'm not going to reply to him.
He's beginning to feel the reality of his choices & there is no way i'm going to cushion that for him, he can deal with the consequences of his actions! He needs to realise what life is like without me before he will find the strength to take action, i'm pretty sure he will eventually do whats needed although I have no idea where i'll be and whether i'll be interested by the time that happens!!
Thanks Claire
Feeling very "flat" the past few days, I suppose that's what comes with detachment & NC.
Been doing lots of GAL, seeing friends & family, fun with the kids, getting the house in order ready for when it sells etc... very busy, life is moving again and i'm moving with it instead of being dragged along kicking and screaming!! I'm beginning to enjoy my life again, I have moments where I realise that i'm LIVING and not just EXISTING
it feels good.
I do feel quite lonley, I dont mind my own company & can now sit with myself (I couldn't at the beginning of this) but now & again I miss having my H to cuddle up to or share my day with - I know that's normal, still makes me a little sad.
Overall i'm really really good, I cant believe how much better I feel recently, looking back to a few months ago I'm amazed how I even functioned.
So my H is reaching out to me, it sounds like he's hit rock bottom again - he basically said he's realising made a huge mistake & doesn't want this anymore, he's sorry & thanks me for being a good wife, he misses us all, he hates himself for what he's done to me & our family, he said his life is worse than when taking drugs & he's really struggling... He seems to have realised that the answer lies within him & only he can change things.
It's so hard to not reach out or respond
everything in me wants to give him a little encouragement & let him know I'm here - help!!
I trusted my gut and responded with the following:
I really hope you sort your life out & find yourself again H, I do worry about you. You'll be ok, I've got faith in you that you'll find your way through, I truly do wish you every happiness.
I think that was an appropriate response. It was kind and caring but still low key and detatched.
I know what you mean about feeling flat. I too feel like that and yet have come to some kind of peace with myself. I'm not happy that H and I are where we are, but I have stopped resisting reality.
Like you, I'm able to sit with myself unlike 3 months ago. But I do miss the cuddles and kisses too.
Good to hear that you are laughing and having real fun! After my BD, I wondered if I would every be able to really laugh or be happy - now I know that I will reach the other side, with time.
Keep up the good work! You are doing great!
I think that was a great response! Kept the way home paved, but set a clear boundary that it's on him to do the work alone. Nice work!
Spoken to him this evening for the first time (the kids are staying at his Mums with him) and we had a good chat - hopefully when we meet on Monday we can get some things in place so that we can move forwards as co-parents & business partners.
I think he's definitely turning a corner and moving in a positive direction from what he shared, just need to give him the time & space he needs & keep focusing on getting myself to where I want to be. Feeling quite sad but at the same time accepting, very mixed emotions today. Missing my kids too, the house seems strange without them here
I dont want to have to get used to this but I know the kids need their Daddy too.
Fab day today with the kids, we've had so much fun!!
really enjoying life at the moment, still have a lot of sadness but its nowhere near as intense or overwhelming as it was. I'm excited about the future & what it may bring
I spoke to H last night (he had the kids overnight) and it sounds like he's been doing a LOT of self reflections & looking at the things he's done and how he's behaved. He said he feels like "he's just woken up to the devastation that he's caused" and "doesn't recognise or like who he's become".
He said whilst we've been NC its forced him to face up to a lot of emotions & feelings he's been running away from (his feelings for me mainly, him being unhappy away from home etc) and he's done a lot of growing - he's realised just how much he has missed me & his family but he's been too scared to admit it until now, he said he's realised that he's making a mistake but he just needs to keep going & figure things out.
He seems very down & depressed, its hard to see but I know its all part of the process. I need to remain very dark/ low contact to give him the space he needs to continue his growth as well as to protect myself and continue on the path i'm on.
Patience isnt my strong point but i'm getting better....
I practised my validation & listening, also responding instead of reacting - getting better
Sounds terrific! Keep up the great work! !
Thanks Claire, nothing has changed really he's just moved forwards slightly I think - words are cheap though, it's actions I want to see & he's not anywhere near ready for that yet, he's moving that way though.
Sounds like you are on the right path! You kept it together when maybe a few months ago, you would have been all over any sign of R.
And you have a PMA - yes, sadness still there but able to more than function and enjoy your life.
Fingers crossed that your H is also on the right path!
Yay Upwards! You're doing well!
Patience my dear. You can do this!
I know I can FY
I've got this, slow & steady wins the race!
Forgot to mention that H suggested we pack up & move to Australia and start again LOL!! It's completely insane although I suppose it shows he must be thinking of how we could move forwards which is positive!
He's had some crazy suggestions but moving to Australia isn't one I expected haha!
Yes, ill second that! Seen a fair bit of my own country
I'm sure it's an AMAZING place, we always talked about moving out there however moving halfway across the world whilst separated probably wouldn't be the best move!! lol
Well I'm meeting up with H tomorrow to discuss everything & to set some boundaries in place for parenting & business partners - I'm a little nervous, I have everything I need to discuss written down to keep me on track & my intention is to remain calm & focused without letting my emotions get involved, I also intend to listen to H's input & be flexible but stand firm with my boundaries that are there to protect me.
My H has said a lot of things to suggest he's making a mistake (see previous posts) and is becoming aware of the destruction he's caused, I'm not sure if I should hear him out or tell him I don't want to know? Do I let him know the door is still open or do I continue 'acting as if' I'm done with him in that sense?!
Any input appreciated, thank you!
Upwards how are you?
I will suggest you listen to him, however there is a point that I will take a look at, your H seems to show regrets once you step back and then he says many words, but his actions dont seem consistent. When we are dbing we kind of always walk on eggshells, should I do this or say that like this so then he or she doesnt get to be upset or to forget me?
Then if you check yourself you will see responses, you are willing to do whatever action it takes to restore the marriage, your spouse takes weak and inconsistent actions and basically we think we should face that in a different way....
No no and no, if your spouse wants to get back to the marriage he is gonna have to do way more than he is doing, just remember a few weeks ago....he went to a hotel with OW, I am not saying to be resentful or anything like that, is just that you want a stable and commited relationship and bread crumbs are not gonna make that happen.
You set boundaries without fear, and if he doesnt like them thats his problem, be clear about how would you like him to be with you and what conditions has to exist in order for you to consider a reconciliation, if one of those conditions fails just keep Gal and keep dbing untill that changes.
Accept the way he is now and realize that its not on your hands to change him, he doesnt change enough because he doesnt touch bottom, he senses that you are still there in some way so he can continue to do whatever he wants but he does that more carefoully.
Do you want a half husband or do you want a full one?
Loose him, let him go totally and later on time will tell.
Its scary but again at this point your H its not facing the reality that he lost completelly his W...
Yes he's consistently shown remorse then changed to guilt, typical MLC.
I absolutely don't want my H in my life right now as anything other than a parent & business partner, I have no interest in reconciliation with my H at all right now and I don't want him at all, he's a broken man & it's up to him to fix himself. My H needs to do the work to win ME back & not the other way round, if he's not wiling to do that then he isn't the man for me - I am the prize!
This meeting is to set boundaries in place to ensure we can coparent & work together, nothing more, If we divorce I would still like to have an amicable R whilst things progress & hopefully in the future.
This meeting is to set boundaries in place to ensure we can coparent & work together, nothing more, If we divorce I would still like to have an amicable R whilst things progress & hopefully in the future.
Thats great, prepare everything written down in a paper and stick to that no matter what he says or try, and everytime he "tries" to talk you out of the conversation, remember him : ok lets get back to this matters that concerns our kids, I dont want to talk about us.
Thanks ye, that's exactly what I intend to do
I have my list ready!
How are you doing?
Oh Upwards I am doing great, I have my times where I miss W who hasnt contact me at all but I am very happy here in Hawaii
Awesome!! So glad to hear it, I'm sure you miss her that's only natural but you have your whole life ahead of you, enjoy it!!
Well the meeting went well, we communicated well & are both happy about the things we have put in place. I remained non emotional & focused, just shows how detached I am now as I couldn't have done that a few weeks back!
He looked different... he seemed like the weight of the world has been lifted from his shoulders and he seemed free somehow, not sure I can explain it any better than that?! He said this weekend he's had a "lighbulb moment" and he feels different but he cant explain why - he said again that it feels like a fog has lifted and he's just been born again.
He thanked me for everything I've done for him, he said that by me being strong & taking care of the kids that's the best support I can give him - he said me remaining NC has forced him to stand on his own two feet and he knows that everything I'm doing is for the best for us all & he's really thankful for it - I said that I was sad that I could no longer support him and he said "everything your doing right now is supporting me, you just dont realise it".
I think he's ended things with OW as he said that he's spent some time on his own and realised that he CAN be on his own & he is able to do it by himself without having to lean on someone - I didn't question, I just validated and told him that I'm glad he's feeling better about things & that I have every faith in him that he'll do this.
Overall it was positive, I think its going to be difficult at times keeping personal & business separate but we're going to have to try our best.
Oh forgot to add that he's clearly noticing me as he said....
"wow your looking really good"
"I can tell you've lost weight as your boobs are smaller" <<< lol!!
"those shoes are nice, are they new?"
"did you go out clubbing last weekend?"
He also commented that i'm an amazing mum, the kids are really lucky and that i'm doing a fantastic job of providing them with a stable and supportive home - nice to hear
Sounds great Up!! Keep it going!
Sounds great Up!! Keep it going!
I'm making sure I dont frighten that squirrel!
It's my sons birthday at weekend so we have lots planned & will be together quite a bit, time to put my DB skills into action & show him what an AWESOME woman he's walking away from
haha!
Wow just received a text from H...
"I was just thinking how much of a good mum you are. I'm looking forward to weekend. H x"It made me cry in the middle of ASDA lol
he's in there somewhere I'm sure of it! He also said last night "I can see light at the end of the tunnel" which made me LOL, the irony!
Well I've had a REALLY tough few days, been all over the place & lots of emotions have been brought up for me. I'm back in contact with H & it's been tough after being NC but I know I need to learn how to interact & communicate better so it's better if we have a low amount of contact.
He's ended things with OW as apparantly she's "too needy" and "wants more than he can give", he's apparantly disgusted at himself & regrets it deeply. A couple of days ago at work he was showing me some figures on his phone on a banking app & a notification for a dating site came up, awkward!!! That threw up some feelings & made me feel pretty crappy but not a lot I can do about it, I understand that he's exploring & in his mind he's a single man
I'm seriously questioning my "stand" at the moment, I don't want to put my life on hold for years whilst he figures his crap out, I want to be in a fulfilling & happy relationship and not married to a man who doesn't want to be my husband... I'm very confused, everyone around me is telling be to move on & go on some dates which a big part of me thinking 'why not' then another part wants my marriage to work but I can't do that alone. I'm only 29, I have my whole life ahead of me, maybe my H was only meant to be in my life until now
My H said he wants us to be together & happy, he knows that he will regret this in time & knows he'll probably come back to me but he feels the path for us as a couple right now is impossible & it's easier to walk away how sad that we both want the same but can't have it!!!
I've done a lot of work on myself during the last 9mths, I have build my confidence & love myself again, I feel much happier & although I have a long way to go I am on the right track. I have worked hard on a lot of my behaviours and fears & want to continue working on those to become a better person.
I felt good at the beginning of the week, now I feel all over - maybe it's hormonal. I woke this morning feeling anxious for the first time in a long time, not sure why as nothing has changed
Sorry for the rambling, typing as I'm thinking!!
Things look positive. What's changed?
He's talking to you contacting and being involved with both you and the kids. Mines not, that would be a backwards step for you if he wasn't. While he's only sounding like he's making noises at least there is noises like he thinking about things.
Just do what works or is working.
They don't feel very positive
is it just me & the way i'm thinking?
He's always been in contact and interacted with both me & the kids, recently the contact is a LOT less than it was but I think that's because he's realised that he can do things for himself and doesn't need to lean on me. He is treating me with a lot more respect (most of the time) & noticing a lot about me and how much stronger I am etc, he's got remorse for how he's treated me & what he's done but then also a lot of guilt.
When we were NC that seems to be the time when he making most progress so I want to keep contact down to a minimum as I'm better then too - its my sons birthday this weekend so we'll be together a lot but then after that I'm going to go back to dark.
He's working very hard on himself, he's progressing in a positive direction & i'm very proud of him - I do think that he hasnt "let go" of our marriage and the past though, I think thats a huge part of whats keeping him where he is...
I suppose i'm tired of "standing", i'm tired of being the good little wife who's standing by her H even though he's treated her like dirt & has no interest in our marriage. I KNOW I deserve better than how he's treating me.
It's their journey, it's on his time. Mine is totally nc, he thinks I will spoil his chance t happyness with ow. I suspect, I will not hear from him while she is on the case.
Unless I want to be the gloating post or whipping boy, there is nothing for me. So time needs to pass. Am I frustrated, yeap, can I do anything nope!
What can you do you have already?
Its sad that they can walk away with no contact after so many years together isn't it, its easier for them that way though as it means they can push their guilt to one side. Although in all honesty I've found I do much better when we've been NC.
I think I need to just leave him to it & live my own life as I already am doing, he needs to do this on his own & I don't want to be in the firing line when he's struggling or things go wrong for him.
I'm torn between living my life as married woman (even though H isnt!) and being faithful or filing for divorce and living my life as a single woman.
Married isn't a death sentence. You can still live as before, single doesn't mean night clubbing or drinking or installing a revolving door on your bedroom. Lol
Do you have any platonic male friends you can share some GAL activities with?
Ole queens, said in a nice way are a couple of my friends. I flirt with one ole queen who comes in to work, he's soooooooo gay he's adorable.
I went to a political dinner, it was a women's do. I'm sure if your creative you can find something. Red Cross, service organisation, church dos... School dos or parent committees for the school.
Up, G is right-you can move forward without "living the single life". (LOL at at revolving door to your bedroom
)
Pulling the trigger and "ending" it isn't going to make you feel better- the feeling will still be there. To quote others on the board, the only way through this is THROUGH it. You're doing it right: NC/dark/dim to take care of YOU. Eventually your hard days will be fewer and farther between. You can do this!!!
Live your life without him. He's already starting to miss you.
Hang in there!
I've taken a few days away to do some thinking & soul searching.
I think my wobble last week was because I DO feel ready to maybe go on a date, I DO feel ready to move on & that scared me in a big way - I feel a lot of guilt for it, I feel like I'm being disloyal and betraying my H which is pretty insane considering what he's put me through the past few years. I deserve better than he can give me right now. I'm not ready for a serious relationship or anything like that but I would like to enjoy myself & spend time meeting new people now & again I suppose.
My hope for our marriage has pretty much gone, I don't know if that comes with detachment or if its just my acceptance of the situation as it is but right now I cant see any way that me & H could ever reconcile, it just doesnt seem possible after everything that's happened. I cant save my marriage single handedly but I did save myself and have learn't some valuable tools that i'll carry with me for life, I will always be work in progress but I now have the confidence in myself to continue striving to be the best me that I can be - that's something i'll always be grateful for.
It comes with a lot of sadness to admit that i'm dropping the rope for good, it wasn't what I ever wanted & I never imagined giving up hope but I feel i've been left with no choice. I'm enjoying my life as a single person and as the mother to my children, this is the hand i've been dealt and I want to make the most of my life instead of wasting it hoping for something that may never happen.
None of us know what the future holds, who knows whether our paths will cross again, for the time being i'm closing the door & moving on with my life with our children.
Sorry its long, wanted to get all that out.
Really I can relate upwards, mine isn't contacting, he's making the ow legit. I feel it's not fair after like you all the work I put in. Since the bomb drop I get nothing unless I push. He seems very glad I'm gone. We have nothing to have him come to me on, and that was his point on bomb date, your used up, I don't need you ever.
I thought I might start talking to a man who's been coming into work, but so far it's not working. I think the universe is keeping me going slow. I waiver day to day, lately ow and h fb actions make me laugh not cry. So I guess I'm getting there 3months it seems like a life time.
Hello Upwards, I have not read your hold thread but caught this latest post you made this morning and it struck me as a common chord that I have had. I am new to the DBing having only been doing this for 2 months but my W seems so distant and cold that I too feel sometimes that I may be wasting my time. At two months this is way too soon to throw in the towel for me but I guess I am just saying that I feel some of what your last post expressed. I know we are not supposed to create a time frame for these things as if anything happens it will be on the WAS’s time but at the same token I think we do have to decided how long we are willing to wait and be lonely. I myself have said that I would really try and stick it out for 4 more months which would put me at half a year. At this time I want to re-evaluate where I am at and where I want to go. I got married because I wanted to be with my best friend for the rest of my life. This separation hurts me to the core and every day feels like eternity. This is mainly because currently we don’t even have a friendship.
I think you are very brave to have come to the realizations that you have and I really hope that regardless of what the future will hold for you, everything works out for you in the end. I also hope that when my time for realization comes, I can be just as brave.
My thought was stand for one year, but I'm just not sure. I waiver. We all do. It's human and normal.
As you said Up, noone knows what the future holds. As long as you are happy it matters not whether you are with your husband, with someone else or by yourself. You have your kids, your family and your friends and if I've learned anything from my wife in this journey it's that you'll be just fine without a man as you will be with one because of your support network and what you've learned. Good luck
It takes a lot of courage to get to where you are, Upwards. It is amazing how in some ways this has all been a gift, right? I don't know about you, but I never would have gotten to this place of strength unless this had happened to me. And no matter how much we have lost, that is one thing that will never be taken away from us.
Best of luck to you! And congratulations!
Thank you everyone, its been a really tough journey to get here as I resisted the reality for a long time. Over the weekend it was my sons birthday & we spent most of it together as a family, it felt different and I was trying to figure out what H was doing differently then I realised that its ME that's different!
I suppose although its only been 9mths since we separated and less since H decided he was "done" I've come to the realization that my marriage has been dead for many years and I've not been happy in the relationship for a long long time.
My H isn't capable (at the moment) of being the man that I want in my life and its been hard to accept although I think deep down i've know it for a good while. He's making good progress and is working hard to be a better person, I truly wish him every happiness & hope he finds the fulfillment that he is searching for. I'm also working towards forgiving him for what has happened, I dont want to carry the hurt/pain/anger into my future and i'm working towards letting it go.
I myself have said that I would really try and stick it out for 4 more months which would put me at half a year. At this time I want to re-evaluate where I am at and where I want to go.
My thought was stand for one year, but I'm just not sure. I waiver. We all do. It's human and normal.
I didn't set a time frame, I just made a decision that I would stand for as long as I felt I wanted to and I just kept reassessing as you've mentioned. Trust your gut, it will guide you well.
As you said Up, noone knows what the future holds. As long as you are happy it matters not whether you are with your husband, with someone else or by yourself.
Thank you Barry, I'm feeling happier & happier as time passes by
I'm still up & down of course and there are lots of emotions cycling on some days but I actually feel like i'm living my life again instead of just existing!
In my sitch, I made hasty decisions acted on in haste, which I now regret.
While things were not great, they could have her far far worse, something I could not see at the time.
Hence I said one year. I could slow myself down.
It takes a lot of courage to get to where you are, Upwards. It is amazing how in some ways this has all been a gift, right? I don't know about you, but I never would have gotten to this place of strength unless this had happened to me. And no matter how much we have lost, that is one thing that will never be taken away from us.
Best of luck to you! And congratulations!
Thanks Claire!
I'm so glad your feeling so strong!
Yes this process has absolutely been a very valuable gift and I really am thankful for it in so many ways, if it hadn't have happened I would still be in a toxic relationship, very unhappy & with no self-esteem, confidence or self-worth. I have found a strength inside me that I didn't know existed - I know who I am & where I want my life to go now, I have confidence in the person that I am and that is something that I had lost in my R with H.
I may have lot my marraige but I've found MYSELF and that is truly priceless!
Get yourself in a 12 step group for yourself. Try ALANON if you haven't already. We can help you so much, but these other people can really relate with addictions and how they affect families. Believe me it will be the best thing you can do for you and the kids, and perhaps that H of yours.
Couple of things I wanted to chime in on.
As far as dating goes, think about that. Most people start dating way too early. For me, I made a decision that I wouldn't date until I was D'd....not for W, but because of how much I respect M. I didn't want to look back and ever think, "I wish I'd have done that different."
As far as standing for your M....that is a personal choice. Some people don't stand long, others stand for years. No one can make that decision but you. When I was in the middle of it, I decided I would stand until I became "the man only a fool would leave." At that point, if she still wanted out, then she was a fool and I didn't want that for myself. I never regretted that decision.
Lastly, make sure you keep your kids in the forefront of your thoughts. There's a lot more going on there than you can imagine. As you start really detaching, you're going to see some effects in/on them.
Regarding friends/family...this isn't new news. DB/DR speaks directly to this. Of course they want you to move on....they want you to be happy as quickly as possible. Don't let them make the decision for you....you decide when you are finished standing.
Forgiving....extremely important. Not just your H though...forgive yourself for your part in this as well.
I think you're doing great....but as you face some of these terribly difficult choices, make sure you step back and look at the big picture. Make sure you move forward without regret.
OK, I wasn't done yet
As far as dating goes, think about that. Most people start dating way too early.
I have no intention of rushing into a relationship or anything like that, I just feel ready to open the door of possibility, i'll be taking it slowly & if its too soon for me then I can wait a while longer.
As far as standing for your M....that is a personal choice. Some people don't stand long, others stand for years. No one can make that decision but you. When I was in the middle of it, I decided I would stand until I became "the man only a fool would leave." At that point, if she still wanted out, then she was a fool and I didn't want that for myself. I never regretted that decision.
It is painful to stand by and watch my H move on with is life, date other women & completely disregard his marriage vows and in turn disrespect me as his wife. There is only so much rejection a person can take & i've come to a point where his constant negativity and way of life only brings me pain, he brings nothing positive to my life at this time - I am unwilling to be in that position anymore, I deserve better & if he can't see that then it really is his loss! He's even told me that he's a fool to leave an amazing woman like me, but he's still left.... so yes he's a FOOL lol.
I would have done everything it takes to work at my marriage & create a relationship that both myself and my H were happy with but he's made his decision on the path that he wants to take and I have to respect that. I feel like I'm where I need to be right now & I have found a lot of peace with that.
Lastly, make sure you keep your kids in the forefront of your thoughts. There's a lot more going on there than you can imagine. As you start really detaching, you're going to see some effects in/on them.
They are absolutely and ALWAYS at the forefront of my mind, I would never do anything that would impact on them in a negative way and I'm supporting them through this as best I can
they're doing much better because i'm doing better I think.
I think you're doing great....but as you face some of these terribly difficult choices, make sure you step back and look at the big picture. Make sure you move forward without regret.
Thank you, I havent made any of these decisions lightly - as always I appreciate your advice & perspective Breakdown.
Hi Upwards. I know this is a hard position yet somehow the weight of the world will be lifted off your shoulders.
I think you need to do what you feel is best for you. Only you can decide that. And good for you for making ANY decision. I know I feel paralized when it comes to the future.
Upwards and onwards, my friend!
We now have OW2 on the scene, he doesn't mess around moving onto the next!! Sad but not surprised, hurts but I'll get over it - truly hope she makes him happy, even though it kills me to say that!
Very sad today, lots of tears, divorce getting closer & it makes me feel sick even though I know it's what I need to do!
Yuck, yuck, yuck!!
At least you know you're making the right choices for yourself. Karma will come both of your ways
Yeah, I really relate upwards.
I want to meet new people, if that's going to turn into some thing more then great. I feel like you why should I sit at home doing the married but lonely single road, when h is moving on a break neck speed, him and his ow will be moving in and engaged.
I can at least and you too have some social friends in your life. Datings not all about relationships and ml! This time I might get a real keeper.
You never know the world works in strange ways, friend said last night that the attorney general at the social do I went to that was chatting me up and bought us drinks is single. My friends is going into what she calls social engineering mode on him. Rolls eyes!
Faints!
Oh Upwards, that stinks! Try not to focus on H and his baggage. Easier said than done, I'm sure. Get busy and keep focusing on you...
{{hugs}} Keep posting. We're here for you...
Hang in there, Upwards. It seems pretty clear that you are really strong. ... and he is struggling. And as far as new OW making him happy? Maybe that is what he is hoping for, too. But as we have learned. .. no one can "make" us happy but ourselves. His bouncing around in relationships says nothing about you and everything about him.
Don't be ashamed to grieve for what you have lost. .. But don't sell yourself short, either. You deserve to be with someone as strong and healthy as you. And right now that is not him.