Let the Real Challenge Begin - 04/18/14 03:21 AM
Old Thread
My last post was in October 2013 - almost 6 months ago. A lot has happened since. Quick history, I was a jerk, mentally abusive towards my wife and always working/going to school. My wife had emotional affair and physical affair with co-worker.
Almost a year ago I started the DB process and made a lot of mistakes in the process. I had to learn to take ownership for my actions and even though my wife's affair was wrong - my selfish actions drove her to OM. Last year was hands down the worse year of my life, with many nervous breakdowns and going to work looking like a mess. By November 2013 my wife had told me that she was never going to stop talking to OM. She continued to be cold, distant, rude and flat out cruel at times. While I wish I could say I kept my cool at all times, there were moments were I blew it. All in all though, I felt like I had given this my best shot and by November 2013 I filed for divorce. I pretty much agreed to give her everything (house, all the furniture, etc). I just wanted out.
By the end of February/early March, I finally began to feel confident and good about myself. I was functioning again and doing well at my job. In addition, I had just gotten a good raise at work and was beginning to feel hopeful and excited about the future. My wife had temporary moved out of the house to give me time to pack my stuff so I could leave. The divorce was set to be final by mid-March. My attorney had set a court date in the middle of March in the event that my wife did not sign the papers which were pretty generous. Literally a week before the divorce was to be finalized, my wife came over and told me that she wanted to make the relationship work. I was shock.
We talked a lot that night and many nights after about the relationship (she would bring up the topic rather than me). I told her that I had learned a lot about my mistakes and that I too wanted to save our marriage but that OM had to be completely gone from her life. At first she told me that she couldn't stop talking to him because she needed someone to talk to. Then a couple of days afterwards she told me that she is trying to not talk to him but that it is hard because he was there for her and now she feels like she is abandoning him now that her life is getting back together. I told her that OM was a dealbreaker and that if she felt the need to keep him in her life, that I would understand but would not be willing to work on the relationship under those conditions. She never really did respond to that and even now she has not acknowledged that what she did was wrong - which bothers me.
Nonetheless, she has been very adamant about going to counseling and even agreed to go to my counseling (which surprising she likes). So we've gone to one counseling session (which went well but the topic of OM was not mentioned although my counselor is well aware of the OM). So we've been trying to make this work for about a month now. We are both living at the house together and have gone on several dates which were really fun. I don't bring up any relationship talk unless she brings it up and have really been focusing on just letting my actions do the talking.
That said, I am beginning to get real bad anxiety. I have the feeling that she is still texting/talking to OM but I have not proof. The fact that she still works with OM bothers me a lot and her not admitting that the affair was wrong bothers me even more. Although I hold her at night and we are spending time together - I feel like a second class citizen around her. She refuses to kiss me, doesn't seem excited to be around me, and overall seems like I am doing all the pursuing.
So we have our next counseling session on Tuesday and I don't know what to do. I want to save this marriage but if I were to find out she still has interaction with OM - I am willing to walk away. I want to save this marriage and I do she her putting in some effort. I can see why she is hesitant in showing love towards me (I get the impression that she wants to see if my actions are consistent and true). I am trying to be understanding of where she is coming from but I don't know how to deal with the issue of the OM. Do I bring it up how I feel doing counseling while continuing to act like everything is cool when we are not in counseling? Is it unreasonable for me to ask her to quit her job or start looking elsewhere, etc? The fact that my wife wants to go on dates and has told me that she wants to start over/get to know me again gives me hope. I feel like I am going crazy again as last year was so hard that I don't want to go through that type of hurt again if she is not sincere about making this work. I graduate in May and had a job offer in another city that I was prepared to take but ended up turning down when my wife came to me. Somehow I feel like I am entering the piercing stage and this is hard emotionally on me. Help! Any advice would be appreciated.
My last post was in October 2013 - almost 6 months ago. A lot has happened since. Quick history, I was a jerk, mentally abusive towards my wife and always working/going to school. My wife had emotional affair and physical affair with co-worker.
Almost a year ago I started the DB process and made a lot of mistakes in the process. I had to learn to take ownership for my actions and even though my wife's affair was wrong - my selfish actions drove her to OM. Last year was hands down the worse year of my life, with many nervous breakdowns and going to work looking like a mess. By November 2013 my wife had told me that she was never going to stop talking to OM. She continued to be cold, distant, rude and flat out cruel at times. While I wish I could say I kept my cool at all times, there were moments were I blew it. All in all though, I felt like I had given this my best shot and by November 2013 I filed for divorce. I pretty much agreed to give her everything (house, all the furniture, etc). I just wanted out.
By the end of February/early March, I finally began to feel confident and good about myself. I was functioning again and doing well at my job. In addition, I had just gotten a good raise at work and was beginning to feel hopeful and excited about the future. My wife had temporary moved out of the house to give me time to pack my stuff so I could leave. The divorce was set to be final by mid-March. My attorney had set a court date in the middle of March in the event that my wife did not sign the papers which were pretty generous. Literally a week before the divorce was to be finalized, my wife came over and told me that she wanted to make the relationship work. I was shock.
We talked a lot that night and many nights after about the relationship (she would bring up the topic rather than me). I told her that I had learned a lot about my mistakes and that I too wanted to save our marriage but that OM had to be completely gone from her life. At first she told me that she couldn't stop talking to him because she needed someone to talk to. Then a couple of days afterwards she told me that she is trying to not talk to him but that it is hard because he was there for her and now she feels like she is abandoning him now that her life is getting back together. I told her that OM was a dealbreaker and that if she felt the need to keep him in her life, that I would understand but would not be willing to work on the relationship under those conditions. She never really did respond to that and even now she has not acknowledged that what she did was wrong - which bothers me.
Nonetheless, she has been very adamant about going to counseling and even agreed to go to my counseling (which surprising she likes). So we've gone to one counseling session (which went well but the topic of OM was not mentioned although my counselor is well aware of the OM). So we've been trying to make this work for about a month now. We are both living at the house together and have gone on several dates which were really fun. I don't bring up any relationship talk unless she brings it up and have really been focusing on just letting my actions do the talking.
That said, I am beginning to get real bad anxiety. I have the feeling that she is still texting/talking to OM but I have not proof. The fact that she still works with OM bothers me a lot and her not admitting that the affair was wrong bothers me even more. Although I hold her at night and we are spending time together - I feel like a second class citizen around her. She refuses to kiss me, doesn't seem excited to be around me, and overall seems like I am doing all the pursuing.
So we have our next counseling session on Tuesday and I don't know what to do. I want to save this marriage but if I were to find out she still has interaction with OM - I am willing to walk away. I want to save this marriage and I do she her putting in some effort. I can see why she is hesitant in showing love towards me (I get the impression that she wants to see if my actions are consistent and true). I am trying to be understanding of where she is coming from but I don't know how to deal with the issue of the OM. Do I bring it up how I feel doing counseling while continuing to act like everything is cool when we are not in counseling? Is it unreasonable for me to ask her to quit her job or start looking elsewhere, etc? The fact that my wife wants to go on dates and has told me that she wants to start over/get to know me again gives me hope. I feel like I am going crazy again as last year was so hard that I don't want to go through that type of hurt again if she is not sincere about making this work. I graduate in May and had a job offer in another city that I was prepared to take but ended up turning down when my wife came to me. Somehow I feel like I am entering the piercing stage and this is hard emotionally on me. Help! Any advice would be appreciated.