This is my story:
Back in November, I was working long hours and travelling for work. Our nanny came to stay with us to help my husband out. He really liked the support and suggested that with a new baby due in January she should become live in. I was hesitant but before I knew what happened she had giving notice on her apartment and moved all her stuff in.
When I finally got a break from work, home life was strained. My husband didn't seem to enjoy having me around and spent most of his time hanging out with our Nanny.
On a trip to NY in December after a couple of glasses of wine he told me he didn't think he loved me. This was followed by mean comments every time he's been drinking since. There have also been a lot of heating arguments concerning the time he was spending with her.
I understand why he needed this "friendship". I was knackered and depressed when I was pregnant.
After all this he told me he hasn't been happy for a very long time and that in his head we had been separated for quite a while (we've been sleeping in separate rooms for months now).
Without his consent but in his presence I told the nanny that she must move out. I decided that the situation was getting me down and that it must not continue. Now my husband is also moving out. However, he doesn't want it to be public knowledge, nor does he want our 2 year old to know.
I have been trying the last resort technique for the last couple of weeks and there have been some promising signs. For instances its my birthday in two weeks and he wants to plan the day and do something just the two of us.
This morning, I went to speak to him at 5am and the door was locked. When he answered I realised that the nanny had gone into the toilet without the light on. I feel like if this was innocent then she wouldn't have reacted like that. Now I feel stupid for trying to save my marriage. Is it worth saving?!?
Thanks for reading- I promise this is actually the condensed version!
Welcome to the board
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power
Sorry to see you here. Its worth saving if your willing to put in the work to become the best person you can be. Read the DR and use Sandi2's 37 rules and it will help you get through this.
If it dont save your marriage the awesome side benefit from this is that it will save you!
Keep posting, you will be in good hands here.
Thanks for the advise.
We spoke last night and I got the impression that he is also invested in saving our marriage. It was exactly what I needed to continue on with the last resort technique. : )
mm mm, think the worst...
here you will get advice that doesn't have any favoritism.
but I would think the worst..
Trust in your instincts..
..
is the nanny involved..?
..
expect the worst..
the best thing is to GAL and take a step back.
think about what you need, and what you expect...
breathe...what do you feel..
that is the answer....
if you want to fix this you must take the place of the nanny...
I don't see where the two of you actually worked on the M. The nanny isn't the problem. Once she's gone, if the problems haven't been worked out, then it will just be someone else.
Tomorrow he officially moves out. It feels like we are one step closer to divorce.
I've been spending the time working on myself right now. He's not in a place where he wants to "work" on things.
We plan to talk later today. I have gotten to the point at which I'm ready to tell him that if he's not ready to work on things then I give up and I'm moving on. Moving on likely means moving to the other end of the world with the kids, which I know is selfish. Should I fight the urge to tell him I'm moving on?
Thanks for all the advice thus far!
Hi guys,
In need of some advise. We have two children, one is 2 and one is 2 months. Because of this I see my H every day and we message each other about the kids. Any tips on how to create distance as part of the last resort technique?
He's been gone two weeks but I see him so much it feels like we're still a couple just without any intimacy.
I appreciate any suggestions you can give.
The best advice I can give you is to call a Divorce Busting Coach today. Many of your online friends will agree that Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and keep your family together. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004
Thanks Roberta.
Unfortunately we still have a joint account at the moment and I don't think he'd be happy seeing such a large unexplained charge going through so I need to wait till we split our finances or try to hide it from him somehow.
Does anyone have any advise in the meantime?
Thanks Roberta.
Unfortunately we still have a joint account at the moment and I don't think he'd be happy seeing such a large unexplained charge going through so I need to wait till we split our finances or try to hide it from him somehow.
Does anyone have any advise in the meantime?
Can you open up your own credit card? I've heard it's MUCH easier to do that while married than after you get divorced, especially if you don't have your own credit history...
Claire
This might not be the right place to post, but can anyone tell me what kind of success rate divorce busting has? I know it doesn't work for everyone but just looking for a glimmer of hope this evening.
There is NO program that can give you a definite guarantee of saving your M. It depends on how well you stick with the program and your spouse's reaction.
I myself saved my M and I know many others who have as well. Concentrate on yourself first.
Thanks C7. I'm between jobs so I can't open up a CC without my H knowledge. Or pay the bill for that matter lol.
So a lot has happened in the last week or so.
I've let the nanny go so I don't need to be reminded of what led to the failure of our marriage.
Living in the Caribbean at the moment but seriously considering a move back to the UK. This would make things very real. I would reckon if I do that there would be no chance of reconciliation. I have a 2 month old and a 2 year old so life as a single mom is going to be hard no matter where I live...
Given the possible move I unintentionally broke the no relationship talk rule! Doh! My husband is so stubborn that I believe that we must be truly over. However we've still not made our separation public- by his request.
Has anyone else been in a situation were they thought there was no hope left?
I think virtually all of reach points where we think there is no hope left. That's where I've been lately, but I refuse to give up, so I'm just focusing on myself and my D7 as much as possible.
I realize it is probably difficult with two kids who are so young, but have you been doing anything to GAL? It helps to get your mind off the situation so you aren't in that highly emotional state all the time.
Thanks H456. It's good to hear I'm not the only one thinking those thoughts. I've been getting out and playing sport and going to a couple of social events. I've managed to lose the baby weight and more
(Don't think my H has noticed though- LOL). With the nanny gone it's going to be more difficult to do these things but I agree with you how important they are. They make me feel so good. I feel like the real me is back : )
Ok, so its been a mixed couple of days.
H hung out with us till the kids bedtime tonight. I felt like we had fun playing and swimming with the kids. It felt like things were good again except from the odd devastating comment that H made. My mum is planning to visit in a couple of months time- he told me I'd need to tell her that we've separated. I felt upset- he's been the one driving the secrecy. That and other comments made it clear that he has no intention of ever moving back. He told me he thinks we work well as business partners and on our various projects but not as a couple. To me that seems like the best foundation for a relationship...
I think part of the problem is caused by H having a MLC. I keep reminding myself that if it is a MLC there is nothing I can do but focus on myself : )
Its our wedding anniversary next month. I'm thinking I should plan to do something by myself to take my mind off of it.
Does anyone have any suggestions about what to do or what they have done when anniversaries have come up?
jm1--
My anniversary was a week after my H BD and left. So, yeah, I have some experience with handling anniversaries. I cancelled the plans I had made for our anniversary, and instead I went out to a fun dinner with friends, and stayed in a hotel while H stayed in the apartment with our D. The next day I got a facial/massage. Basically stayed busy, treated myself to a relaxing day, tried not to wallow, but also allowed myself to feel very very sad.
Oh, and I made a HUGE DB mistake-- wrote a majorly apologetic (though also very validating) card, and bought a small but meaningful gift. Clearly I had not yet read DB!
Do something great for yourself-- buy new, sexy underwear, or a new outfit, do something luxurious and indulgent. It's a great opportunity to show yourself and the world that YOU ARE STRONG and can be amazing and happy without him.