Ok. So here's my story. 2 months ago, just before Xmas my husband started acting very distant, but didn't want to talk about it. It was Xmas, he's away from his family, both our jobs were busy and money was tight so I wasn't too concerned. I figured after new year when things have settled we will talk and things will be sorted.
Instead just after new year he announced he wasn't happy, didn't love me and hadn't for a very long time. I couldn't believe it. He was normal, loving and affectionate right up to the week before Xmas, when it was like shutters came down inside him. He refused to talk about why he felt this way or for exactly how long, but implied it fad been before we were married (we have been together 10 years, married for 2), before our eldest D was born. (She us nearly 6) all he would say is that I am a horrible person and he cannot stand me.
From then on he hang slept in our house. I did all the wrong things too, calling his family (who he won't speak too) begging him to try to work it etc. he pulled away completely. Said he wanted a divorce. He doesn't even believe in divorce for religious reasons!! He is like a complete stranger, total personality transplant. He went from being a great, hands on dad and husband to seeing the children once a week, and only when I am at work. He won't tell me exactly where he is staying or who with. I am suspicious of an EA but he denies this. He has become obsessed with the gym and has bought new clothes. It looks like a MLCbut he is only 29!
Our children are very confused, and my eldest is showing some behavioural changes. He says that is my fault cause she has heard me on the phone. I'll take that she probably has, but seriously, does he really think they haven't noticed?
He has left all jus things at home, except for his work clothes, gym gear and razor. His pay still gets direct debitted into the joint account, and he isn't touching it. Certainly not paying rent/contributing to a household anywhere else. He says he just has generous friends. These 'friends' are work colleagues he didn't even hang out with 3 months ago. And they have never met me or the children. We are invisible to them. He has no car, and gets lifts everywhere apparently.
I bought DR a month ago, and have been trying to implement it. And also, I figure he started this, he can finish it, if he us do are it's what he wants. He isn't wearing his wedding ring but hasn't updated FB. He is putting photos up still, portraying the happy families image.
He has gone from zero contact to some via text only, and only about work/kids. He says he doesn't care what I do, but wants to be informed what they do and who they are with.
When I took them away for a weekend he was asking me to send him photos, tell him how they are. But he doesn't reciprocate this.
I am trying to GAL, and went out last week. I got a sitter. The kids told him this, and he told me to use him next time. So he gets to know what I'm doing, but not the other way round?
He won't discuss anything. I gave had 3 counsellor sessions, and he has been invited to each but didn't come. He won't even discuss what happens next, to split properly.
He knows if we do, we will need to sell the house, and I have no family here, no support, so will just likely have to quit my job and move to where they are (500km away). He wo r discuss it, but won't discuss trying to work it out either. He seems happy with the current situation. He gets to live like a single guy, hang out with his mates, and be a 'part time' parent. I couldn't tell you the last time he even bathed and put our kids to bed. He is gone as soon as I walk in.
I just don't know what to ! And he is missing out on so much! Our S is only 20 months. And everyday he says a new word, or does something new. Breaks my heart.
And I have been feeling very sad the past few days, unable to snap out of it. I can't help but think of the 'new' life he is/will have, and of all the things I (and the children) will most likely miss out on - overseas holidays, owning a house, just a reduced standard of living etc etc. not great I know but I just couldn't shake it. I was considering setting a time limit in how long I will let this situation go on for, before I confront him and ask him to either commit to leaving, and do it properly, or commit to staying and trying to make it work. I hadn't been brave enough yet.
And then yesterday (Sat) I was working so H cane home to watch the children. He said he was going to take them to a play cafe, with a male work friend and his niece.
When I cane home, the girls told me they met the work colleague but also met K with yellow hair. This is the woman I am highly suspicious if him having an affair with. I got so angry I confronted him. Apparently it wasn't planned, it was a last minute thing to invite her, and it wasn't an 'introduction' she apparently has a boyfriend. I'm not sure I believe any of what he says anymore. It just hurt so much that he would do that! We have even had conversations in the past where I have said that would be the most hurtful thing I could think of. And he goes and does it. I told him that's it, we are arranging mediation properly next week, I can't go on like this. And he never replied.
After that I felt strangely calm. (I think it has a lot to do with my going to church just before this, and the Gospel was Jesus' turn the other cheek sermon). I actually felt almost happy. I went in, started laughing and playing with the kids, got them their dinner and bathed, was just generally happy. He came into the kitchen at this time, and I started small talk, about work the gym etc and even caught him smiling and laughing with me. Of course he stopped himself but it surprised me. It was almost how we would normally interact, before all this. He never mentioned what I said about mediation. But he did pull himself away, you could almost see it. He put the girls to bed, and I was playing with S in the living room, watching TV, he came in and was readying himself to leave, but then sat there for a good 15 more minutes. I didn't ignore H, but didn't talk to him either. I kept playing with the baby, and let him move between me and his dad.
I'm not sure if these are positive signs, or if i am just too hyper-sensitive to everything at the moment. I also don't know what to do about what I said about the mediation. He is home with the children today again while I work again. I'm apprehensive as I'm not sure what to expect now. Although I guess that's not really any different from before.
I'm trying so hard to be brave, and keep optimistic, but I am so scared of setting myself up for even more hurt, and I want to protect the children as much as I can. It breaks my heart that they already think it's normal that Daddy never sleeps at home now.
I am very sorry you are going through this! I could have written your first post, our husbands sound like the same person! It's a difficult time especially with young children, but know that there are others out there and there is plenty of support here. Reading and posting really is therapeutic. I'm pretty new at all of this myself, so I don't have much advice to offer. All I know is time heals all wounds. I believe that the hurt I feel now is no where near the hurt I felt in the beginning. I wish you the best of luck in your journey!! I am right there with you.
Just messed up today, didn't follow the rules very well. He came over to mind the kids while I was at work. I got really sad, and started thinking he must be unhappy too. He had a pretty bad childhood, which is a part of all this I think.
So I texted him, reminding him that he is loved. No reply, not that I expected one.
And then it all just got the better of me when I walked in at home. He is here, playing happy families, putting stuff on FB so people think everything is great and he is father of the year, when I know at some point tonight he will leave to an undisclosed location, and we won't know when we will see him next. He doesn't ever take the kids overnight. I imagine his single playboy buddies wouldn't be too impressed with 3 kids under 5 in their 'pad'
So i asked him does he have a long term plan? Cause this isn't sustainable. He just kind of nodded. He doesn't want to hurt or disrupt the kids apparently. But this is ok. Argh!
Beersha im very sorry that u find yourself here. Please read divorce busting if u can. Also read Sandis 37 rules at the top of the New Comers Forum. Dont text him at all or pursue him, only communicate about the kids and logistical stuff. Believe none of what he says. The sadness you feel is very normal and that is why you will hear the word GAL (get a life) over and over. Going to church helped me too so keep doing that if it helped. Do things that are fun, workout look good smell good. Be Very attractive always and smile and laugh. Take up new hoobies if u can. Do things that u wanted to do. And come here everyday and post your feelings updates and what ever u want to share. So today think of fun things u can do with the kiddos.
So sorry your going through this, I can hear the pain in your posts & totally sympathise
I wish there was a magic fix I really do.
Just try to take each day as it comes & don't beat yourself up if you have a wobbly day. Hugs.
Thanks Rick. I just donor gave any understanding of where he is at. He doesn't seem to have any sort of long term plan, except to get away from me. He seems to think he can keep staying with mates and babysit the kids when required. Has he thought about how shared custody will work? How he will need his own place, his own car? He seems to think he can leave and can have the single man life I stole from him, loads of cash and women.
He has zero respect for me right now and zero caring. I am trying to just be upbeat and positive around him. I even caught him laughing and smiling with me the other night, then it was like he remembered that he is supposed to hate me, and he shut down again. I would love to know what he has told his mates about me to justify this. He is mooching off them completely, but what have I done to make him so unhappy, to suddenly hate and leave? I never cheated, I took care of his kids, his house, his laundry. Made sure thee was food in the fridge and his bills were paid. Tried to be a good 'wife'.
He is ruining all aspects of my life and just doesn't care! I have had to call I sick today, again! Cause of the children. My work have been really patient, but it's wearing thin I know.
He wants me and the kids to stay in the house, and to do that I need to work. But I am so close to by being able to, not with some support. All my family are too far away to help, and he only swans in like a babysitter once a week. And an awful babysitter at that. He lets them run riot. There is half eaten food and mess everywhere, and he never even made a token gesture to clean up.
He is so horrible and cold towards me. I just cannot stand it. How does someone change so much, seemingly over night?
It might seem silly but he keeps doing little things to push me out of his life. He took our spare set of keys when he left. The keychain was my initial. The other keys have a family portrait (only taken in Nov) on them. When he left last night he took my initial off and left it on the counter.
I'm just not sure how much more I can take. I feel like just giving up, telling him you win, I'm done.
They dont change over night. They are changing right in front of our eyes. We either doent see it or ignore it. It hurts a great deal to see someone be so cold after trusting them with your soul. I know the feeling. You will be ok. I know it doesnt seem possible right now. I thought the same thing. I thought my life was over. I had lost the will to live. The fear consumed me. It still does at times but things are better. Be patient. I will ask again, what r u doing for fun? The more u obssess over him, what he does or I doing the harder this will be.
Hi Rick,
I know he didn't change over night, but he never let on he felt this way. He was affectionate, loving, intimate right up until the week before Christmas. Then all of a sudden he pulled away and shut down. We had a fight that weekend, I don't know if that was the trigger, but it certainly didn't seem like an 'end of marriage' fight. I put it down to a 'Xmas and money and stress' fight. We apologised and I thought we would be ok.
He apparently (his sister told me this) thinks I never let him do anything, or have any money (we have no money - we literally have no disposable income at the moment, we are getting by pay check to pay check); he hates my family (2 months ago he was trying to convince my parents to move in with us). I have never stopped him from doing anything. I might have said when he wants to go to the gym as I am putting dinner in the table, could you wait 30min as eat with us? Or I would say go out, have a laugh with the guys but just be mindful of spend ( as he is a generous drinker - everyone round would be on him)
I am trying to get out and do things for me. I have joined a netball team and the gym. I've lost 10kgs through stress so I might as well try to keep it going! It's hard though. All my close friends live quite far away, and have small families of their own. And how do you meet new people these days? Plus I have the kids all the time, unless I am working he doesn't come over. I have tried to get him to come over so I could go out but he just didn't show.
My exw told me how much she cared about me and what a wonderful man I was months after she filed. Doent try and make sense of things right now. Its too early. Right now we are trying to get u healthy and strong again. Do post your thoughts it really helps. Whats a netball team?
Lol! Netball is kind if like basketball, except you can't move with the ball, and only certain players can shoot for goal. And there is no back board. I'm in Australia, it's a very popular girls sport here.
Part of me wonders if I can just sit tight, keep things going and looking after myself he will come to his senses. He says he is so sure, but he is hesitating in taking any other steps forward. He seems to think saying it's over is enough. But he still just tells the kids he is working. He doesn't want to tell them he doesn't live here anymore.
Someone described to me that he is building a house of cards, by pushing people away, and living on his friends generosity. At a certain point surely they will say enough is enough, you need to sort out your problems. He is living with no money, no car. If I can hang in until this happens, maybe there is hope?
He doesn't seem to want to acknowledge if he persists in this, he will need his own place, with room for the kids, his own car, and will have to pay child support not to mention all the other things like selling our home, custody arrangements etc
Then I can't help but wonder is he being so nasty so I will give up, and make all the moves, so he doesn't have to do it?
I just can't see a way back from here at the moment. I know long term I will eventually be ok, and the children will adapt and be ok too,I guess this just isn't what I wanted for them.
I hear you. I dont know what hes thinking and neither do you. I remember asking thexsame questions. "W if u leave whos gonna cut the grass paint etc". She laughed at me. So dont worry anout them. Worry sbout your and the kiddos needs.
The net ball thing. So how do u play if u can move with the ball? is it a girl sport only? If so im interested im middled age u know
It's mainly a girls sport, but there's some mixed teams that are usually good fun.
A question: when he comes over, he totally makes himself at home, eats what ever, showers, leaves dirty clothes in laundry room. It's not normally much, just a t shirt or some boxers. Do I wash his things? He seems to want to go out of his way to break any connection we have, then he does stuff like that?
It's mainly a girls sport, but there's some mixed teams that are usually good fun.
A question: when he comes over, he totally makes himself at home, eats what ever, showers, leaves dirty clothes in laundry room. It's not normally much, just a t shirt or some boxers. Do I wash his things? He seems to want to go out of his way to break any connection we have, then he does stuff like that?
my W did the ssme thing early on. I simply put her dirty laundry in a bag and gave it back. He csnt expect you to act like a W if he is not a H at the moment.
Hi guys, I have another couple of questions.
Is it normal to feel ok, even good when my H isn't around now? When it's just me and the kids I'm good, and I can even see myself doing this without him. Generally after he comes around I fall apart a little, then feel like I have to start again.
Also, when this first happened in early Jan, I totally broke the rules. Wrote him letters, contacted his family etc. I haven't done any of that now for nearly a month. (It's more than a little painful - it seems like me and my kids have fallen off the face of the planet for their grandparent and aunts and uncles on his side.)
Did I do too much damage?
And finally what do people think of setting a time limit for my current situation? At the moment he has left physically, all his stuff is here, his money still goes in the joint account. But he will only babysit the kids when I have to work, he never takes them overnight (I don't even know where he is staying). He seems to think this is enough and fair. A friend has recommended giving this situation another 4 weeks, and if he doesn't initiate anything I should ask him to either commit to separating properly, or to commit to being around and trying to work it out. He says now there is no hope, nothing to talk about, but then why is he hesitating?
All I know right now is this situation is bad for me and the kids. They are badly affected, they never know when they will see him. And my work is being badly affected too.
Thanks guys x
Hi guys, I have another couple of questions.
Is it normal to feel ok, even good when my H isn't around now? When it's just me and the kids I'm good, and I can even see myself doing this without him. Generally after he comes around I fall apart a little, then feel like I have to start again.
Also, when this first happened in early Jan, I totally broke the rules. Wrote him letters, contacted his family etc. I haven't done any of that now for nearly a month. (It's more than a little painful - it seems like me and my kids have fallen off the face of the planet for their grandparent and aunts and uncles on his side.)
Did I do too much damage?
And finally what do people think of setting a time limit for my current situation? At the moment he has left physically, all his stuff is here, his money still goes in the joint account. But he will only babysit the kids when I have to work, he never takes them overnight (I don't even know where he is staying). He seems to think this is enough and fair. A friend has recommended giving this situation another 4 weeks, and if he doesn't initiate anything I should ask him to either commit to separating properly, or to commit to being around and trying to work it out. He says now there is no hope, nothing to talk about, but then why is he hesitating?
All I know right now is this situation is bad for me and the kids. They are badly affected, they never know when they will see him. And my work is being badly affected too.
Thanks guys x
I've broken the rules over time too. the trick is to know that you did, forgive yourself and keep going. You didn't do anything "bad" (like run over somebody or something). Continue to move forward with helping yourself be a happier, healthier you. help your kids too. I know mine are happier at the moment with W and I apart. Its hard for me to admit that I feel good too.
like I've been told, the only way through this is through it. continue to exercise (this saved me). find new hobbies or rekindle old ones. join a club or group that has people you can make friends with.
I was faced with giving in and filing for D last week. I found out some tings that are occurring in the background that are making it "dangerous" financially for the family for us to stay married. Part of me still hopes that things could still work someday, but I know that we are both unhealthy at the moment.
Like cadet tells most people, "your spouse has given you the gift of time...use it wisely...."
A WAS family will often take their side. Whether they agree or not. Blood is thicker than water. That is why talking to family is not adviced. That includes our own families. Giving him ultimatum and dead lines will always fail you. Its like pursuing. I would consult a L just to have info. Not suggesting you file for divorce just to get info. If you do consult do not tell H. This is a marathon. It takes time and lots of patiences. That is why you must GAL. If you read success stories you will learn that the LBS let go and moved on. Keep asking those good questions
Hi rick and Paul,
I have been and got done legal advice, all they really said was you have to be separated 12 months before you can divorce, and only one spouse has to want it. She recommends mediation at this point to try to arrange things for the kids.
I'm hesitant to do it as I don't want to force his hand if you like, he does seen to be hesitating in the next steps he apparently desperately wants. But it's been 2 months, and he foes seem to be walking all over me. He only sees the children when I work, he has left and is living like a single childless guy 99% of the time.
He is being very deceitful (which I know isn't unusual). He won't tell me exactly where he is or who he us staying with. Or how he is supporting himself these past 2 months, since his whole pay check goes into the joint account and I can see he doesn't touch it. He is putting things on Fb but blocking me from seeing them, but still has it set to show he is married to me, and he regularly posts pictures/stories of the kids. He has also started liking pictures on Fb of scantily clad women , which he never used to do. He hasn't worn his wedding ring for 2 months.
I know that even if this happens as he wants it, I will be ok. And I am trying to GAL and kind of move on like he has., but it's a struggle. The kids ask me if I'm coming home all the time, because they know Daddy hasn't been. I don't like leaving them now, I'm all the stability they have. I know in the long run it is his relationship with the kids that will suffer, and he is the one missing out. Our S isn't even 2, and is at that age where he says new words everyday, or does something very funny and cute as he tries to copy you. You can't get this time back and in 3 months or so it'll be done forever. A friend said too has he considered how he would think/feel if someone does this to one of his daughters in 20 years time?
I guess I just feel like I am sitting here waiting for him to decide. Is he hesitating or just happy with things now, with his responsibility free life? He always used to say how lucky he was, and how much he loved me and his little family, that we were the most important things in his life. It feels like we have been replaced by the 'lads', the gym and the pursuit of pretty faces//hot bodies who haven't had his 3 children.
Most people around me want me to kick him to the kerb, get the gloves off and finish what he started. Make him see exactly what he is walking away from, and how his life won't be like it is right now. He will need to pay child support, to rent his own 3 bed place, furnish it, get himself a car. He can't afford any of that. And he only has 2 weekends off in 5, and one 4 day stretch. They would be the only times he could take the kids, so what about his single man social life? I seems like he hasn't thought about any of this, or if he has, he's avoiding it and keeping us in this weird limbo as it's better for him.
He reminds me at every chance how little regard or feeling he has for me now, I don't understand where it can have gone so quickly. I have messages and emails from him from 2.5 months ago telling me he loves me, or he just heard this dong on the radio and it made him think of me. He used to tell me that the smallest touch from me gave him butterflies in his tummy, and that I was in his mind all the time. And then I can't help but wonder now he telling the truth? Has he felt nothing for years, has it all been a big act, a big lie? He even implied he felt nothing for me when our children were born, which is the most hurtful thing I think.
Hi Beesha, I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. I only wish my W wanted to work on our marriage as much as you do with your H.
It might be time to do a few 180's if you haven't already. If you pull back big time I think he'll notice. The more you GAL, do things with your kids, your H may start to notice and want to be a part of that. It feels very odd to do but the more you pull back the more your H may start to realise what he's losing.
Beersha - Your situation is very similar to mine. My boys are 5, 3, 15 months. I am so sorry to see that you are in this spot. I am a bit further along in this journey than you, but still trying to hang in there. If you read back in my threads, you will find a lot of great advice that I have received early on from everyone here helping me to establish boundaries.
My H is living at his parents, does not take the kids overnight, etc. He used to come into the house, lay in our bed, shower, eat whenever he wanted. Back in November, I set up boundaries with him. He was not allowed to use the house like his own. We sent days for him to have the kids, so that he was no longer just swinging by for dinner whenever he felt like it. The boundaries are to protect you and the kids. They are not an ultimatum. They have nothing to do with timelines, etc. Ultimatums and timelines will not work. It make me feel like I had some control. H did not like it but he respected the boundaries.
This is going to be a marathon. Just focus on yourself and your kids. Set your boundaries and forget about what your H is doing.
I have to run, but if you post your schedule with the kids/work and we can help you come up with a proposal to talk with your H about. It really does help. It also helps with the kids so that they know when to except seeing their dad.
Hey Scorp7,
I know how you feel about thinking you are deluding yourself. I feel the same way. He is very clear on what he wants regarding me. My only glimmer of hope is he say she doesn't want to disrupt/hurt the children (not sure how he doesn't see that is exactly what he is doing now, but anyway)
I know I was very reliant on him, him and the kids were my whole world. I did very little for myself, I was too busy making stuff right for them. So I guess it is a big 180 that I have joined a gym, started going out for coffee, to shows with friends. I'm thinking of taking some classes too, stuff I always put off. But he is so rarely here I don't think he has noticed. He hasn't even commented that I have lost 20 pounds!
I'm getting back into touch with my faith, which is helping too, if nothing else it helps calm the fear and anxiety!
I'm trying to remind myself I am not the horrible person he his painting me to be If I was no one would have been surprised by his actions! Most of his family think he is either having a breakdown or on drugs! And if he does choose this, I'm not over the hill yet! Remembering it's their issue, not yours is a hard but important step I think.
I know it feels like this has been going on forever but really your situation has just started. I know for me the first month after my W left felt like a year. We're going on 4.5 months now and I'm realizing I've only really just started.
If you keep up the changes you're making your H will notice, he would have to be blind not to. It may take a while but if you make yourself the best version of you possible he would be crazy to leave. It's possible he is crazy, it happens, but if that's the case at least you will be in a great place for yourself and your kids.
One other thing that's seemed to help me is that I haven't been angry or negative toward my W at all. I truly took 100% responsibility for my own actions that led to our situation. No matter what happens I think the best option is to take the high road. If your H tries to draw you into an argument or is negative don't take the bait. Don't let yourself be walked on but also just be as kind and polite as possible. It defuses the situation and in time your H might realize how foolish he's being.
So today I had another IC appointment.
She basically said that I need boundaries, and to take care of myself first. She said when you love someone it's easy to put them first, but H is now taking advantage and treating me like a doormat. She quoted a proverb I really liked:
'Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life'
She is right and I know it, I'm just not sure how to set some boundaries, as both my H and I do shift work, on changing rosters. So saying something like 'you can have them every second fri through sun' won't work as neither of us have regular days off. We struggled organising our rosters when we lived together!
I registered for single parent payment today too, I have an interview next week. I feel sort of sad about it, but I need to make sure the kids are ok. And if I can get iti may be able to work less, so I can be here for the kids more.
My IC also said this is his issue, not mine, he has stuff from his childhood especially, he hasn't dealt with properly and it's manifested this way. He isn't ready or able to turn inwards and face himself. And all I can do is look after me, and the kids and hope something changes in him, so he will deal with it, otherwise there is virtually no hope. Although she did say that he will most likely sabotage every relationship that follows me too.
That's the other thing I wanted ask. Tomorrow is his birthday, and the kids have made him a card. I haven't heard from him at all regarding his plans for tomorrow, but I know he is working 1500-2300.
Do we ring him in the morning so the kids can say happy birthday?
Also, I have heard through the grapevine he is contacting a lawyer. I know I did already for some information but it just makes it real. He is really hoping to do this, and I may never get an explanation except 'I don't love you'
I would say that the relationships the kids have between you and your H should be separate from the issues your having as a couple. Saying that, I think it would be good for them to give their Dad a card, wish him happy birthday etc. It may not hurt for you to at least wish him a happy birthday as well but maybe not make a big deal about it.
Since your situation is so new and it seems your H is racing toward divorce I can understand you may have a feeling of panic about the situation. I know my W had been pushing very hard for a D, wanting to sell off all of our assets etc. That hurt a lot but I think she's realized that if she does go ahead with a D it will take a long time and she's backed off for now. Where we live she cannot even file for a D for 1 year (she's been gone for 4.5 months so she has a while to go yet). A lot can change in a situation given time so just because your H is showing every sign he wants to D does not mean he will not change his mind.
I would say make sure you and the kids are protected and continue working on making yourself the best you can be. In time, your H will notice the changes and it may at least cause him to rethink his actions.
So an update:
Regarding his birthday, the girls made him cards and a presents. He stopped in the house during his shift for 10min or so and they saw him briefly. He seemed to get quite upset. I didn't really speak to him, I just kept preparing dinner for the kids. I did notice later that he spent a fortune on a cake for him and his buddies for his birthday, but nothing to share it with his kids.
I now know that he started looking into lawyers over a month ago. I'm not sure how far he has gone with it as he isn't touching any money, unless his parents sending him some, but that isn't likely. (They don't have much)
So I have made myself an appointment with a lawyer today. I don't want to be blindsided by him. I know he thinks he has an advantage being a cop, as though that means you have unquestionable character.
So I am trying to just get on with things. Move on as best I can for now. It's hurts so much, but he has made his position clear. Hopefully next week I will be approved for single parent benefit which takes a bit of pressure off. I am even trying not to rely on him for childminding while I am at work. Him doing this means he makes no other efforts to see them. He can work a little harder for them, they deserve at least that. I have to stop wondering where he is, who he is with and how he is living. He is obviously fine. And I know that I will be too. In starting to wonder what I even feel for him now. It's almost all gone I think.
So I saw my lawyer, and feel a bit better. He can't legally pull the rug from beneath my feet financially. But basically she said we are still stuck until he wants to talk. Mediation is compulsory here before anything else can happen. But seeing as he avoids all contact, I'm not sure how that will go. I've been trying to leave it up to him to organise the next steps in this process, since he is the one who wants it.
I've been doing fairly well DBing. It's easy when he never contacts me or the kids. We never see him, and he very rarely even texts to see how the kids are. It's so hard on them. They have no idea where or why Daddy has disappeared. Do I push that we tell them do we can start dealing with the problems it will bring properly? Not doing do well GALing. I always have the kids, and there is no money for babysitters. I have hobbies I can do at home, but they are all solitary things, and I know I need new people in my life.
I have few friends living in the city where we are, and no family. He has an Uncle and done cousins who we have become close too, em specially the kids. They are aware of what is happening, but still want to see us. H is avoiding all contact with them. They invited us over for a BBQ the past 2 nights. It was really nice, lots of people round and the kids had a great time. But it was also uncomfortable. Nobody wanted to mention the elephant in the room. And it hurt me, as we've also attended these things as a family. It may be silly but what really got to me was when I got the kids home they were all asleep in the car, and I had to carry them all in by myself.
I am trying not to think about him, or who/what he is doing. He is putting very sexually explicit jokes and pictures on Fb. Which is very unlike him got starters but it also upsets me, as is that what he wants now? To sleep around with women who do anything he requests in the bed room? He used to complain I wasn't ' adventurous' enough. But to be it was a time to reconnect, show our love physically. You can't do that when your hanging from the chandelier.
I had a big cry yesterday afternoon. It really feels like he is gone. I don't understand how he is surviving, with no money, none of his things, but i am trying to tell myself that isn't my concern. He has a home here if he chooses to return to it. People have said that will be his catalyst for changing our situation. When he needs money. I originally thought our would be our kids, he would miss them, he would see the negative affect this is having and agree to try to work it out.
At this point I can't see him wanting to work it out due to his pride. He has been only talking to/staying with/borrowing money from his work colleagues. They work very closely together, and knowing him, he would feel like he can't 'back down' in front of them or lose face. I don't understand them though either. Wouldn't you lose respect for someone who can just walk away with no contact from his wife and 3 children?
The H I am dealing with now is so different to the man I knew, that in not even sure what I feel for him now. I mean I love and miss the man I knew, but this person? Who can be so cold and horrible? Who is do shallow? Who is willfully destroying all my happy memories, telling me it was all a lie? I don't even like him, he is not someone I want in my life, or even in my children's.
If I feel that way, do I continue to stand? Or are we done? I'm not sure how I could even trust him ever again. He has been lying so much, and for how long? It may have been years if I listen to him.
Part of me wonders do I just tell him he dab have what he wants and be rid of me. And then at least I have a chance to find someone who deserves me.
It's OK to wonder all those things about someone who would hurt us so much. We all do.
But keep in mind he's in transition. He's not who he was, and not who he will be a year from now. (Hmmm, it's a lot like puberty, isn't it?)
And you are still attached and acting emotionally. And you haven't fully come to terms yet with what got you here.
I think for now, you have to stay the course. Learn to detach, become rational rather than emotional so you can figure out your part in this and become a better you. Then, when you "find that someone who deserves you", you'll be ready and wise enough to never end up here again. And maybe that someone will be your H.
So today was a development.
I had arranged a playmate for my kids today, and just as we were heading out the door H arrived. He wasn't working until 4 apparently and wanted to see them. I offered to cancel the play date as they hadn't seen him all week. He said not to, he would wait for us to come home and see them then.
Then he made a comment about a plan to take them out tomorrow. Nothing has been mentioned to me. Thinking of my plan to implement boundaries, I pointed out (just as he has to me) that I don't know any of the people he is surrounding himself with, and introducing our children too, and I except the same as he expects from me. He didn't look happy at this but I thought it needed to be said. I also pointed out as we left he needs to explain where is to our children, as they ask more and more, and the current situation isn't working. He just nodded and said nothing as usual.
Then as we were leaving the play date to go home to see daddy, he text me he was leaving for work early, no point waiting in an empty house. I replied we are on our way home, and he told me not to cancel. Sure enough we got home and he was gone. The girls got very upset and our youngest D called him in tears. Our eldest D refused to speak to him. 5 minutes after that he texted me saying we wants to do mediation next week. I was floored, and couldn't help myself, I replied 'fine, who through? I don't think you can get in that quick'
I rang my friend and she actually laughed. (She is 3 years post divorce) She said the first time something hasn't gone his way and look how he reacts.
I am trying not to panic, and I am going to leave it to him to make any arrangements. I mean he is already physically gone, he seems pretty much gone emotionally too. It can't get much worse.
It seems like he has noticed none of my DB efforts, none of my 180s or GALing. He is so busy out there doing his own thing he no longer even sees me.
He is coming to see the kids tomorrow, and will be here the next few nights while I work. I'm not sure how to behave, or what to say or how to handle it!
Advice please!!!!?????
So today started off well. I was a bit upset this morning, but my S and in and said 'no cry mama' and gave me a big kiss. Made me smile.
My 2 Ds then came into my bed too, and we had some giggles and cuddles, and I made everyone scrambled eggs for breakfast. Everyone was in great form. Then the kids went outside to play and I started doing some much needed yard work. The radio was on the sun shining, the kids were laughing and playing and I though you know what, it's ok. We are happy right now without him. It'll be ok.
And then he texted. He will not speak to me. At all. Only via text. I just have no concept of what the hell has happened to make him go so far this way.
He wanted to take the kids to the zoo with his friends. The zoo closes at 1700 and it's now 1330 and they haven't even left the house.
I just got so upset I had to say something (via text of course). I know it's a big no no but my 180 of not saying anything, or calling him on anything doesn't seem to be working at all.
This is what I sent:
Why can you suddenly not even speak to me? 2.5 months ago I thought we had a happy marriage. Then you walked out, with zero reasons, zero explanations. And you seem to think it's ok. 10 years of a shared life, and a future with our kids, gone. Just like that.
How will you feel if one day a man does this to one of your daughters? Will it be ok? As long as he is happy?
He has since arrived to take them out. I hate it. And he has barely looked at me, let alone said anything.
Beersha - I know that it is so hard. We have all been there. But you have to tell yourself that this is going to be a marathon not a sprint. You need to throw out any timeline that you may have in your head as to when your H may change or when your H may notice your changes.
At the beginning of this I would go a week and then break down and send my H a text similar to the one you sent. And the time my H would only talk to me via text. I would lose it, he would get more angry and then I would feel worse.
At the beginning of the month (I think it was Oct ) I printed out a calendar and crossed off each day that I did not reach out to my H or breakdown. My goal was to make it 30 days. I called and made myself an appointment for a massive at the end of the month as my goal. And I made it . I will tell you that my H did not say anything about my changes that month. There was just less drama. It took him until the end of Nov to let his guard down a bit.
My point is that is takes months for them to see consistent changes. You need to stay consistent. Right now you know that what you have been doing is not working. So try something new because you have nothing to lose. Figure out a way to implement the changes. Everyone is different so find something to motivate you. I promise that after a while you won't be focused on whether your h notices because you will be so proud of yourself
You've gotten some great advice from 3boyz here. I wanted to add that you need to think about whether the very temporary satisfaction you may get from unloading on your H is worth the setback. Why do you think your H will not speak to you? Because he doesn't want to hear you say stuff like that!! If you do your 180s and you act as if, and all that, he may start to notice and feel a little more comfortable around you. But then you go and unload on him and it teaches him that it's better to avoid you. Do you see that?
Also, you will hear this over and over again here, but you need to accept that nothing
YOU say is going to make your H see outside of his current POV. No guilting, shaming, logic . . . NOTHING. When you try to challenge his actions and beliefs, you are only going to make him dig his heels in further.
This is so early in your sitch. I am not even THAT far ahead of you, but things have gotten much better for me. It's extremely difficult (almost seems impossible, I know!) to do, but if you focus on YOU and your kids, and not your H, you will feel better. I promise.
I just feel at loss of what to do. I did a 180 and he seems to be behaving like it makes his life easier. No contact with me, out of sight out of mind, except for the kids. And even then he barely sees them.
He has just realised there is no money to take them to the zoo. It was tight before he left, and now I have to use before and after school care more often, drive to/from work and pay for parking, instead of using public transport as I normally would have, we are coming up short. And he is mad now, like it's my fault.
I stopped checking his accounts to make sure he had money, and that the direct debits will go out ok. Except for the joint account. Apparently that was an issue for him, he has no control over money. But just now he shows he has no clue! His account is overdrawn but he missed the minus sign!! And it's my fault. Of course.
Part of me just wishes he would go, leave us be. I would be ok with them on my own. It's the 'sharing' I'm not sure I can handle. His coming in and out of our lives.
I'm so sorry you are here. Try and keep on with your daily life without thinking about what and how this has happened. I've recently come up on a year anniversary of BD. I think I read where your H is a police officer? Mine is also, is able to retire this month. I know in my H's case, he has a lot of enablers, that won't say to him what a pos he is.
I just keep my space from anyone who has anything to do with the police dept. He has made everyone think I'm the devil to divert any attention off himself. Well and he told them all I made him leave. I started putting all the pieces together when I figured out more, too long to go into, but that OW is most likely another officer.
In these situations if we sit quietly all we can hope and pray is that we will get through this on top.
A point my therapist made to me the other day that made a lot of sense......
Every bit of communication from H's attorney to my attorney degrades me telling me I'm a terrible person and mother. Well naturally it always upsets me every time because I've been the sole provider since H moved out. I know deep down H knows I'm a good person and wonderful mom so why does he do this?
Therapist reminded me that H would NEVER tell me these things to my face because he knows they aren't true so he uses his attorney to hide behind. Therapist reminds me all the time to remember what I know to be true and not to even think about what he does.
I agree about them thinking they are invincible. In fact in my city they basically are. I'm entitled to half his retirement but every staffed officer of his rank who has gone to court in our city the judges always side with with the officers....and there have been some married 30 years where the wives got nothing. Yes I'm trying to avoid court. It is sad that some court systems are so unfair or I say corrupt but I'm doing my best to settle out of court.
You are early in your sitch. Keep busy. You will make it. I never thought I would make it a year.
I just feel at loss of what to do. I did a 180 and he seems to be behaving like it makes his life easier.
You are at a loss for what to do because you are still looking for a way to make your H do, say, or think something. You have to let go of that. Stop looking to him for a reaction. If you ever get one, it won't be for a long while. And even if you do get one, it might not be everything you want. My H noticed within a few weeks (!) that I had changed, he said that he admired me for it, and even said it made him remember why he married me. But hey, four months later, he still wants a D. We have no idea what your H will do. I am just telling you this because it illustrates why you need to keep the focus on you rather than looking to your H all the time for a reaction.
By the way, what is the 180 you are referring to?
Thanks Melissa.
I know what you mean, but it's been 2 months and it seems he is pulling further and further away. This weekend has been a big setback for me, but I also need him to be aware of my boundaries. He cannot come in unannounced and plan outings and the like without giving me any notice. (That's his thing at the moment!) I expect the same courtesies he demands of me.
Maybe it's not as bad as I thought. He just invited me to he beach with him and the kids. Grumpily. And he can't go with all 3 without me, but hey it's a start.
I used to try and push him to talk, I guess I was a nag and pursuer. About all sorts of things big and small. He hates talking about anything! And is a horrible procrastinator. Always has been. I was aware of it and my nagging, it's been something I was working on before this. So I 180'd it. I stopped asking him for anything, reminding him of anything, etc.
my other big 180 is a part of GALing I guess. I have spent the past 10 years leaning on him too heavily. When we moved overseas to where his family is, I knew no one but them, and then when our Ds were born it got worse. Then when we moved back here, we both had no one, but as he was the one out working, meeting people, and then I had our S which again compounded it.
So I have been trying to get out and meet people, find myself again.
So weird day. This afternoon we all went to the beach, it would have looked like a normal family outing. The kids had a ball, and were happier this evening than they have been in weeks.
He has stayed all evening and s still here now. I have gone to bed now with our S, and I can hear him talking on the phone to his sister overseas in Skype.
I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I can't make out their actual conversation. It's good he has reached out to his family again, that was very out of character for him. It just makes me sad that I will lose them all too, and I find it odd they will support him walking away. Especially as they are a very religious family. It's silly but this phone call is making me anxious.
So i am very confused after the weekend. He tells me on Sat that he wants to initiate mediation ASAP. Then on Sunday is happy to have a family outing (which I am so grateful for - it's like the light has been switched back on in my girls) and he stayed quite late - I didn't hear him leave.
I am trying not to read anything into the beach or him just hanging out with us yesterday evening, and to just take it as a nice time.
It is all just so confusing! I start steeling myself for mediation and all that will bring and then this. He didn't mention anything to do with our R or mediation yesterday. And I could see he was enjoying being with the kids, he misses them a lot. I don't think he realises either that they don't need big activities, like the zoo from him. They just want to be with him, reading stories or watching movies.
I guess I just I knew what was going on in his head! Is he leaning one way or another? I've always been a controller. A planner and an organiser. It's something I'm trying to work on, to let go. It's a 180 I guess. I know he would have expected me to go 'ok, this is what you want. This is what we need to'
It's been so hard but I haven't. I really don't want this, so in leaving him in the driving seat.
Did anyone give their WAS a copy if DB or DR to read? Or us that pursuing?
I'm always hearing specifically not to give them a copy. It would not be perceived well. If they pick it up on their own its one thing but giving it to them is like telling them they are wrong.
That's actually in the DR book I think.
Yes in without realizing that it was not useful to do so...when my wife left I told her I'd been inspired by this work and had hoped we could learn together and work through our issues during out separation. This was useless. I didn't even bother to ask for it back. No sense pointing it out. Don't bother doing that. If you was wants to learn more they will.
Additionally now through 20/20 hindsight I've come to understand that sharing all of this work amount to nothing more than pushing our beliefs towards our WAS. At its best its naive to think they need our opinion. ..at worst its controlling behavior because we are trying to shspe the outcome to our point of view. If you did it..move on...if you didn't do it..don't bother.
Hi all,
I am trying so hard to DB, I am getting on with my stuff, going to the gym etc. I am struggling to make new friends though, it's hard as a grown up! And it feels like a lot of baggage when they hear my story. Pretty heavy for a new friend.
So when I do see my H, I don't mention our R anymore or what will happen next. I try to make friendly small talk.
From what I have read, everyone says the best thing is to listen to their stuff, validate them. But my H does not speak, about anything really. Occasionally he will talk about work or the children but that's it. So what do I do?
I really have zero understanding of him. I have been working the last 3 evenings and he has come over to watch the children. Instead of using the time with them, he has been leaving them in daycare for as long as possible, so he really only has a 1 hour window with them between pick up and bed time.
And he has always left as soon as i come home from work. But I got up this morning and he was asleep in our living room. I'm just not sure what to make of that? Or is it nothing? He hasn't stayed here overnight for 2 months....
I'm feeling so lost to be honest. I feel like he looks at me as less than an acquaintance. Someone he barely tolerates. I'm not sure I have much hope. Has anyone heard that song Say Something, by A Great Big World and Cheistina Aguilera? That sums up how I'm feeling right now.
I am trying to have no expectations of him, but then he does something small, which I see as a small baby step and my spirits lift a little and then it's like he realises and has to kick me back down.
I just don't know how to deal with things if he will not speak to me, at all! He is still so strange - he will talk about the gym, his work, but not about the kids, our relationship or what he wants to happen next. I thought there was small baby steps when he started asking me about my gym.(Previously he has asked me nothing about me, not even a token 'how are you') But then last night he took the car. I told him I needed it for the school run and he said he would have it back in time. He didn't bring it back so I fad to walk them to school. I texted asking him about it at 10 and he said he would have it here shortly. It's now nearly 12 and still no sign of him. What is he playing at? Control games?
Everything he does is a secret. I don't know where or who he is with, or any if what he does outside work. I am trying so hard to detach, not to care or wonder about it, but it's difficult. He still gets to know my schedule, everything I do is around the kids
And so now since hasn't brought me back the car, I haven't been able to go to my social welfare appointment, I haven't been able to go grocery shopping or take my kids out for a treat like I promised them. It's so frustrating!!
Hi guys, I have another couple of questions.
Is it normal to feel ok, even good when my H isn't around now? When it's just me and the kids I'm good, and I can even see myself doing this without him. Generally after he comes around I fall apart a little, then feel like I have to start again.
It lessens tension when they are not around. That's just a fact. Savor it. And try to see their "visits" as opportunities to have positive interactions with them, by demonstrating change in YOU.
See, No WAS returns to a marriage, UNLESS they believe
that marriage can be better/different, than before.
You have to show them it can be, by beginning the changes in YOU
Also, when this first happened in early Jan, I totally broke the rules. Wrote him letters, contacted his family etc. I haven't done any of that now for nearly a month. (It's more than a little painful - it seems like me and my kids have fallen off the face of the planet for their grandparent and aunts and uncles on his side.)
Did I do too much damage?
This is not a question anyone can answer with "knowledge". But I can tell you it's pretty rare for pathetic behavior of one month, to "ruin" a health m. He'd already left when you did that. In time, loving feelings can be uncovered under the layers of ennui, anger, resentment and whatever other internal issues he has. But you must contrast the negatives he has of you, with positives. What are your 180s?
And finally what do people think of setting a time limit for my current situation?
A private internal deadline helps a lot of us get thru this. We want to know our "limbo" won't be eternal. But look at my signature block. You had kids with this man and no ring. What's the rush to end the marriage after a few months? My deadline was 2 years, so my oldest d could finish high school in one place. That's me. And I didn't know it would be 2 years...about a year into this, when I really began true detachment b/c GAL helped me (as opposed to the pining and obsessing I did the first year)
& my sil asked me if h was still paying the bills. (He was). So she said, "Why 'MUST' you decide now, if you know you want to be where you are for now anyway?" Good point...and it happened that when d graduated, & my deadline was approaching, h also began his road home. BTW, you can always change your deadline too...it's not a contract!
At the moment he has left physically, all his stuff is here, his money still goes in the joint account. But he will only babysit the kids when I have to work, he never takes them overnight (I don't even know where he is staying). He seems to think this is enough and fair. A friend has recommended giving this situation another 4 weeks, and if he doesn't initiate anything I should ask him to either commit to separating properly, or to commit to being around and trying to work it out. He says now there is no hope, nothing to talk about, but then why is he hesitating?
He's very confused. That is a good thing. The more you challenge his choices, the more you force him to defend those choices. Stop arguing it.
Why not show him (thru actions, not words) that YOU are a great catch? Be the better choice. Do some 180s and keep him second guessing his crazy choices...and work on the issues he has complained about in the past. Surely some of those complaints had some validity...? Focus on that. Otherwise he'll fear that it'll be more of the same if he comes home now, & you'd just be back where you were before he left...
Do your work. Become the best YOU that you can become. Either way, you'll be a better woman for this ordeal. Become a woman only a fool would leave.
All I know right now is this situation is bad for me and the kids. They are badly affected, they never know when they will see him. And my work is being badly affected too.
Thanks guys x
You have to GAL to Detach and you Must Detach before you can Move forward...you can prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
I know living with the ambiguity is hard. I KNOW...that's why I hammer GAL so much. It really does work.
Did anyone give their WAS a copy if DB or DR to read? Or us that pursuing?
of course it's pursuing. IT's also showing him all your cards. He'll see every single "Change" in you as fake. As a "tactic" to get him home...
Let go of the illusion of control you have here. You're spinning your wheels. Stop wasting all your energy obsessing about which way he's leaning or what he's doing/planning/feeling. He does not know! When he knows, that can change an hour later.
I would not bring up any R talk, and the more he delays bringing it up, the better. IF you push him for an answer, it will NOT be the answer you want.
Having a good time with the kids is a good thing. Let him miss the kids. Stop telling him what they need from him. FOCUS ON YOU and creating a new fulfilling life without him. Yes, that is what you need to do. Assume he won't return but that you will be alright anyhow.
If he had died and you had grieved, you would not permanently lay in the fetal position, right? So what would your life without him look like in 5 years, with you being happy? ENVISION that...flesh it out.
What new hobbies or classes might you take up? Where would you live? Would you get a job? What kind? Ever want to learn a new language? DETAILS....
now, what of those^^ activities, can you start doing, now?
I think you have not read these yet, or remembered them.
These are called "rules" but they are Guidelines. Sandi assembled them from MWD's books and teachings. Not all apply, & some can conflict with others so you have to apply what YOUR situation needs.
Back when I was first here, I had about 12 rules, including a few mantras that soothed or empowered me. I laminated this on a card, and carried it around all the time. Here they are:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patience on your behalf.
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). Sometimes the right thing to say is nothing.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
38. Know that in time, you really will be happy again, regardless of your spouse’s choices. Know this, believe it, and let it show.
39. Do not believe that showing your spouse your pain and misery proves your love for them. It just makes it harder to be around you.
40. Don’t worry about how the past is viewed. What matters is this day and “from this day forward.” Learn to let go of the past and what you cannot control. It’s a lot to let go of, but it is freeing.
Hi 25,
Thanks for reply. I am trying to GAL. So far the best I have been able to do is join a gym that has free childcare. I'm struggling as H has left the kids solely in my care. He only minds them when I'm working. I have contacted a fee places looking to volunteer with them (something I have always wanted to do) and I can hopefully make some new friends. I don't have any family or friends nearby. They all live quite a distance away so getting the kids minded or even just going out for coffee isn't easy. My H has noticed the gym stuff though. He is obsessed with his at the moment and has been asking me about mine when he sees me. That's pretty much all he says to me, or stuff about the kids.
When he is around I am trying to appear as if. It's easy enough as that's what the kids need too. They still need to go to school, the housework still needs done. And i try to be 'happy' while I do it. I don't react to his little triggers anymore.
I don't try and talk to him anymore about our R, I haven't for weeks. And at the moment you are right. Even though if he does push this forward, and our house is sold, the kids need schools etc; at the moment none of that is happening. And we are ok. So as frustrating as this status quo is , it is working for me and the kids at the moment.
I do know that i will be ok without him. I can do it alone. And the children are ok (they're behaviour is settling down as they get used to it I guess. Although they do have some separation anxiety). I guess I just don't want too. I miss him. And I mourn I guess for the life i thought we were building together for our kids. I always thought we were on the same page. Now it seems we are reading different books. I'm not sure how to cope with those feelings.
what's new Beersha?
Keep posting and keep DBing.
GAL will help you detach, and detachment is a BIG step to an awakening,
which is needed for real change on your end.
And that's needed for any on your spouses end...make sense?
Hi 25,
Thanks for checking in. I've had a strange few days. I've been off work with the kids and it's been nice spending time with them. My house meanwhile is in an absolute state but I can clean it later :-)
Sat was a bad day for me. I found out my H us escalating things with his lawyers. I hasn't heard from him after the car issue on Thursday. And as hard as it was I even bit my tongue and didn't give out about it as I once would have. (180 for me). Although his behaviour was still weird. On Thursday I tried to phone him about car and he didn't answers, but texted asking was everything ok. I didn't reply as I suddenly had the car and was busy trying to get all my stuff done. Then 3 hours later he sends a snarky text saying 'I guess everything is fine then' I mean really. Why does he care? He has made his position clear.
Anyway back to Sat. I was just feeling down and sad anyway, then out of nowhere he texts and announces he is taking our 2 eldest to the zoo Sunday. I replied pointing out that they had plans in the afternoon and there isn't really enough money for the zoo. He said i told you last weekend I was doing this. I replied that he had actually said he would take the on Sat and he hasn't mentioned it again the whole week. (Trying to establish boundaries like my IC said) To which he replied 'go **** yourself I won't bother' I know I shouldn't have but i rose to it. I replied that HE has made these choices, not me. And I wasn't saying not to see them but to maybe reconsider his plans around those the kids already had. Then he replied this :
'Im sorry, I forgot that you are the victim in this'
Say what!?!? How on earth can he possibly see himself as the victim?
I replied: 'I am not a victim. I fully acknowledge my short comings as a wife. I am prepared to work hard and sort out my issues. I did not throw you out. I didn't want you to leave. You will not talk to me. You will not attend counselling. I don't know what you expect from me.'
I know I shouldn't have done that, it broke so many rules. But really!!
I have no idea where his anger at me is coming from. He won't tell me what I have done to make him leave. I would love to know what he has told his friends he is staying with. And I am aware now he is talking tongues family a lot more than I was aware. It seems all these people have a better idea of his reasons than I do.
After that above he messaged asking me about a counselling/mediation organisation and if I would see them. He has deliberately chosen a different one to the one I know, to where we did our pre marriage course, where I see my IC. I told him I would prefer to continue with them to which he said ok.
It's funny. He is really angry aggressive via text message. But when I see him in person he is almost friendly and normal. It's like he can't do it face to face so hides behind his phone. When I see him in person he almost seems normal. He is planning a day out today with his guy friends, and was asking me about where his good shoes are (that he got for our wedding!), then he is telling his mans for day. I don't want to hear it! And why is he telling me? He doesn't want me to be part of his life apparently!
There have been so many other strange things from him. Another mother at my daughters school said she saw him the other day (she knows what's happening) and our kids wanted a play date arranged. He started chatting to get about it and said things like 'we live here..'??? Why say that when he has been gone 2 months? Other family friends came over yesterday while he was here and he again kept up the charade. I just don't get it. Surely he knows they will notice when he finally takes all his stuff and the house is sold? If he is so sure, why not tell them. Is he ashamed? And if so shouldn't that tell him something?
He did end up taking our eldest. 2 out yesterday. He wouldn't take all 3 as it's too difficult to manage. How does he think i manage everyday?! And if we split is he only ever going to take 2 at a time?
He still isn't touching any money. He is still relying on his friends generosity apparently. Surely that has to be wearing thin?
I am trying to GAL. I mac going to church and praying a lot more. I have reached out to a prayer group for support, the only problem is they are based a very long way from me. Thank god for Fb! And I have been making an effort to get out even just to playgrounds with the kids, and reaching out to old friends. It's so hard though!
So I spent most of sat in floods of tears, trying to hide from my kids. But they noticed mummy is sad and kept giving me cuddles, asking if I'm ok. They are such sweethearts.
Sorry for the ramble.
Thanks Melissa.
I know what you mean, but it's been 2 months and it seems he is pulling further and further away.
Sorry but two months is nothing here. He's not had the chance to process your "changes" and your backslides are too frequent for him to believe in any changes on your end. You need to detach a lot and GAL big time, as best you can. And stop thinking anything less than several months of small but note:
consistent changes + sufficient time = change he can believe in.
This weekend has been a big setback for me, but I also need him to be aware of my boundaries. He cannot come in unannounced and plan outings and the like without giving me any notice. (That's his thing at the moment!) I expect the same courtesies he demands of me.
Stop expecting that^^. Just set & enforce healthy boundaries on your end.
Do NOT let a wounded ego make a "boundary", b/c When we let our egos or pride or anger dictate our response, WE Lose...and often so do our children.
Maybe it's not as bad as I thought. He just invited me to he beach with him and the kids. Grumpily. And he can't go with all 3 without me, but hey it's a start.
why not let him try? IF you do go, do not be anything but pleasant and loving. NO matter what...
if he picks a fight, you do NOT engage. You warn him once not to talk to you 'that way' and if he repeats it, you leave...
This is not complicated. Is it Easy? God, NO....but it's not complex. Just warn and leave if the behavior is unacceptable.
OTOH, you might have a nice afternoon for your kids to remember, and you'd be giving your h something to miss.
He won't miss bickering or seeing your pain and anger in his face. Guilting him will backfire, so don't bother.
Become a woman only a fool would leave.
Update:
So I really worked on 'me' and the kids this week. I've been going to church as often as I can, even the kids seem to be enjoying it.
I have caught up with friends, been to see a band, doing things I would have done before I married.
And I have felt ok, I mean still had some wobbly days, but ok. And the kids have been good too. It's easier when he isn't around.
I didn't contact him, he didn't come over. (Which makes me so sad for the kids but I'm just doing what I can) he did text a couple of times, and my replies were brief and too the point.
Last night for the first time he offered to come over and watch the kids so I could go out. I think he expected me to turn him down, due to the lack of notice (he offered at 1630), and my usual lack of social life. But I took him up on it. I went out with a friend, got all dolled up and ran out. He asked when I'll be home, I replied not sure, and he said no problem.
But while I was out (which was his idea remember) he starts texting me:
'Have you started looking for a full time job'
'I want the house sorted - whether you keep it or it's sold'
'When are you home - I need to get back, people are expecting me'
It totally ruined my night. The full time job comment - is that do he can take his money away? How about full time mother? I am struggling to work part time as it is! And full time would mean full time childcare. He never wanted our kids in childcare at all before, let alone full time!
And the house stuff - where does he want his children to live? Or is he just in a hurry to break all ties? He has never mentioned this before.
Why offer me a night out if he didn't really want me to do it? He hasn't bothered before. He is really quite nasty over the phone, but never says it to my face. I even asked when I got home that he please refrain from the nasty texts. Please have the decency to say them to my face but he just walked away. I am sick of feeling punched in the gut whenever he sends them.
And then to top it all off, he has reserved a fancy restaurant for 2 for Wed next week. The email confirmation came up on our computer. He's certainly not taking me. He never has, not anywhere like this, I got dates in Chinatown.
Tell him that you specified to him that you didn't know when you would be back and that if he had a problem, he should have told you. And that if he had plans you would have had someone else watch the kids. Tell him in a "matter of fact" way.
Your H is very immature right now so forget about what he's telling you right now. Just keep concentrating on yourself and look killer every time you see him. Show him that he doesn't "own" you.
I am just so sad. I can't shake it. This is really happening. I am trying so hard to be brave and strong and keep it together. 'Ill be ok'. But I just don't to feel it anymore.
I guess I've been hoping something will happen and he will miss us, miss me. He will come home and be prepared to work at it. But it most probably isn't going to happen and I need to get used to the idea of being a single mum of 3. That mine and their futures will be totally different.
Update:
So Friday was a really bad day for me. I just couldn't shake the sadness. But I woke up Sat and went to work and felt ok. I think I am starting to accept this is happening. And as much as I hate it, reconciliation is unlikely.
I always do ok until he contacts me. I never initiate it anymore, and when he does he is usually all over the place. He acts all helpful, then gets nasty. It makes me anxious and stressed now.
But today he texted me asking if we can 'sit down' tomorrow after his meeting in the morning. (It's his lawyer but he doesn't know I know that)
I'm not free until at least mid morning and told him so.
This is the first time in nearly 3 months he has initiated any kind if talk about our situation. He has sent nasty texts but that's it. I am so nervous and anxious now about tomorrow. How should I handle it? I hVe no idea what he will say. I know he has a date planned for wed. Is he finally coming clean about the affair? He has been living on nothing, not touching the bank accounts, is it about money? If he removes his wage, the kids and I are in big trouble, the mortgage won't get paid.
Any advice? What should I do?
Anyone? Any advice? I am so anxious!
Pray and breath, everything will be fine one way or the other, exercise if you can today and tomorrow and be patient, there is nothing else you can do...
Beersha, I'm sorry you are so stressed. You know what you have to do. If you meet him, leave your expectations on this meeting behind. Trying to predict the point of this meeting can't help you. Even if you figure out the purpose ahead of time you won't be able to predict his mood or attitude. Like they always say, its a business meeting. Treat it like one...
I would also suggest to not react to anything said quickly. I imagine any way the conversation goes would be easy to emotionally respond, but those are the times things come out we wish we had not said.
As for how you are feeling, I know I'm supposed to tell you to detach and GAL. These are the right answers. But mostly I'd like to say I know how you feel. You aren't alone. Many of us are experiencing the same pain and we will all get through it....one day at a time, one emotional breakdown at a time. Things will get better for all of us. We just have to want them to and start looking for ways to make it so.
You gather "Intel" as if this is a reconnaissance mission. Get data FROM him without giving it back.
You "need time to process" whatever the heck he says. Be polite, absolutely listen listen and listen some more. Probe any issue you are not totally clear about.
Then tell him you need time to think about whatever he says and that you will let him know soon, when you have had time to think it thru.
Of course stress whatever he says that you do have in common, like "want what is best for the kids", etc. But no specific agreement before you have had time to process it thoroughly (and see your L about it, etc)
No matter what he says, don't lose your sh!t in front of him. Stay calm. The person who remains the calmest is the person with the power. Keep your power and use it well.
If you feel extortion coming, (like he won't pay you XX if you don't agree to Y, etc) then you end the conversation and leave.
But that's not as likely as him probing YOU for information.
Don't give it out unless it's strategically wise, and at this point, seems to me it'd be best to just be in a gathering data mode, not transmitting any.
Make sense?
Update:
So after all my anxiety today, H didn't show. He finally text at 1630 asking if I was going to be home tonight. I replied yes, but my parents were arriving and staying for a week. He then said 'I don't want to see them and I don't want a scene in front of the kids'. Ridiculous statement, so not what my family are like and he knows it. Just another reason to stay away and blame me.
Then he said some more nasty comments and told me to organise mediation. Apparently once all that is sorted be will be a more attentive dad.
I honestly feel like giving up. He will not speak to me. He is filled with hate for me and I don't know where it is coming from. I cannot see a path back from here.
And he certainly doesn't want to try right now.
I am trying to GAL, to keep moving forward. I am just so sad.
Need some more advice please!
Today I had an IC appointment. I am still so sad about what's happening, but I think I am understanding that it is happening, whether I like it or not. And I'm trying to focus on a day at a time, getting through each one. And since he is pushing so much for mediation, dividing our property, it does sort of force me to come to terms with it. And I am slowly learning that I may never understand what he is thinking or why he is doing any of this.
So today H wanted me to arrange mediation. I got some information for him, but didn't book anything. He can do that if he wants. I texted him the info, and he replied that he will look into it, and that he will stay at our house next week while he is on night shift, in the spare room. He hasn't stayed here for 10 weeks. How do I play that? Do I let him, use it as an opportunity to show him my DBing? Do I ask why he is suddenly coming home to stay? I suspect his buddies generosity is wearing thin.
I guess I'm asking how do I turn this to my advantage? Is it a good thing, a positive, despite what is coming out of his mouth?
Beersha, from my point of view its not something to turn around. You are trying to get into his head and understand him but WAS cannot be figured out, controlled, or changed by us. Until he decides to change his choice you only have control over you.
I can understand not wanting him to be angry so you looked up info on mediation, but is that what you wanted? I wouldn't do anything that helps him push his agenda forward unless its what you want. If he is coming home next week I would think you let him. I'm not an expert, so don't quote me, but if you aren't legally S or D'd then if you keep him out it becomes a problem I believe. Legally its still his home too.
I wouldn't ask him reasons. He may just take that as you snooping or trying to control him. It can be a positive thing but if you build up expectations around this it it will be harder on you.
Need some more advice please!
Today I had an IC appointment. I am still so sad about what's happening, but I think I am understanding that it is happening, whether I like it or not. And I'm trying to focus on a day at a time, getting through each one.
Good, b/c this^^ is what you MUST do, regardless of outcome, you have to get thru this without losing your sh1t. You CAN do this and your IC can help.
And since he is pushing so much for mediation, dividing our property, it does sort of force me to come to terms with it.
It absolutely forces you to come to terms with it. I trust you have seen a lawyer? If not, do so asap. You do NOT need to inform your h of that. Merely gather some information b/c you clearly are still in the dark about a lot. You need information and information is power.
Again, I stress, you need NOT tell him of this and you need NOT "do" anything with that information but for sure it can hurt you badly, if you continue to stay in the dark.
And I am slowly learning that I may never understand what he is thinking or why he is doing any of this.
This^^ revelation is crucial for you to stop worrying about his feelings/plans or actions. The sooner you stop trying to understand his reasons, the sooner you'll focus on YOUR NEW LIFE and your children's. I reconciled with my h but you know what? To this day, I don't understand my h's thought process then. Partly b/c there's NO "good reason" in my world view, for choosing anything over being with my children. So it's literally impossible for me to understand. So I'm not wasting anymore time on it.
So today H wanted me to arrange mediation.
So what? Why would you "arrange" it, and not him? Is it b/c your schedule is harder to plan around, b/c of the kids? So, tell him when you are available and let him arrange it. I don't see how it helps for You to do this for him. It's darn odd.
Also, fyi mediation usually (not saying "always" but by far, more often) helps the one earning the most. In other words, you're entitled to "X" amount but mediation is designed to LOWER that amount, not grow it. Keep in mind that chances are, you won't be helped by mediation unless you truly live in an area that awards wildly varying amounts in support/alimony. But most states and countries have guidelines that lawyers and judges follow. Are any of your children special needs?
Otherwise, absent some inherited properties (IF kept separate) or odd business arrangements, why mediate?
Why not just get your own lawyer? At least to review his proposals...
I got some information for him, but didn't book anything. He can do that if he wants. I texted him the info, and he replied that he will look into it, and that he will stay at our house next week while he is on night shift, in the spare room. He hasn't stayed here for 10 weeks.
How do I play that? Do I let him, use it as an opportunity to show him my DBing?
Yes you do. You probably cannot legally prevent him from entering the home without a restraining order OR filing for sep or divorce...so you can fight it, and lose, or you can use it as an opportunity to show your new self.
DO NOT ASK HIM WHY or anything else...assume nothing. Ask nothing.
He gave you the information you "need" which is when he'll be there, how long he'll stay (right?) and where he'll sleep. I'd make some plans for GAL to the max. Being upbeat, showing your "awakening" which is that you know you will be more than alright b/c you are a great catch, OMs notice you, you look forward to not being tied down to his moods and blah blah blah you are getting happier every day...
DO NOT think that being happy in front of him will "give the wrong message" b/c that suggests being needy/clingy and miserable is somehow more attractive. It's not. Being upbeat in front of him suggests you are a fun person to be around. NO TENSION IN FRONT OF HIM...leave if you think it will happen.
Do I ask why he is suddenly coming home to stay? I suspect his buddies generosity is wearing thin.
No, and why on earth would the idea of asking him, be a good one? Enough said. Ask nothing. The only topic worth discussing would be IN REACTION to him asking you questions. And I'd suggest you do a whole lot of asking and next to zero answers and no questions for him unless you do not understand something he said. Just to clarify and re-cap his words. Give him no data.
I guess I'm asking how do I turn this to my advantage? Is it a good thing, a positive, despite what is coming out of his mouth?
It's an opportunity for you to make it a positive. You do that by keeping the tension down, the relaxation around you has to grow for him to start feeling he can come around.
Play with the kids as lovingly as possible, back off when he joins unless it seems rude of you. Group fun is fine, but don't push for it. Be laid back. You want him to feel unattacked when he is around you and the kids.
The kids may ask him questions...do not answer for him but don't stare and wait for the answers. Back off big time.
Read nothing into this. Like I said, it's a chance for you to demonstrate the new you.
1) no anger in front of him
2) applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does, compliment any positives.
3) listen like a lover, when he speaks. Eye contact, no judgement, validate if appropriate.
If he revises the marital history, you have two options:
If he recalls an event that hurt him and you see SOME validity to it, say
"H, I'm sorry that hurt you and if I had it all to do over again, I'd do lots of things differently."
IF he recalls something VERY DIFFERENTLY than you do, or if you have no recall at all of it,
say "H, wow that's not how I recall it but I'm sorry you were hurt. If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."
both answers show change on your end, neither escalates the issue and neither answer makes you a doormat.
Build on his ability to be at home and not feel cornered or trapped.
This is step one of that plan. You can do it. It's what, one week? Be scarce when he is around, a bit mysterious when you go out but not rude. Upbeat, as if you have "interesting things to do, cool places to go and fascinating people to meet"...
Good luck
So further update.
He texted this morning saying he is moving into the spare room on Friday and we can sort things out in the coming weeks. He is still adamant he wants mediation.
Mediation here is compulsory before you go to court, they hope I guess you an sort things that way instead of clogging up the courts.
Neither of us can afford to go the lawyer route anyway (although I have seen one for advice) so I would prefer to avoid it.
I'm not sure what he is hoping to achieve by coming home. There is no blame divorce here. His behaviour doesn't affect anything. We don't have any money or really any property to be divided, if he is hoping for a bigger share. I will have the children most of the time (he works shifts, it will be impossible for him to do a 50/50 custody split.) he will likely only be able to have them 2 weekends every 5 weeks, unless he changes his work. Which i doubt as it is so precious to him.
I know the rules, and I will try to act 'as if' and to just get on with my stuff, but it's going to be do awkward! And the children will be delighted. It's just so odd.
And I can't get in to see my IC for another 2 weeks. I'm just feeling so apprehensive already.
Well take it easy, you are trying to figure it out everything before it happens, just go with the flow, stick to sandi rules and go ONE DAY AT A TIME...sometimes when a WAS leaves we started to rush things to avoid being blamed no more, when in reality they will do as they wish and blame you for things that they dont even make sense...
Thats why you learn to be calm and patient...he is the one looking for D? Ok let him do the steps necessary for what he wants, and stop assuming WE, there is no We, you might have no money for a L but we dont know what he is doing and you might be surprised of how he could get money out of nowhere.... So again we have no idea about his life so we focus in our life and we move acordinly with our own times....
When a person is angry they do and say things that many times make no sense, and its their way to show how they have power over the situation...they become bullies and they will do things you couldnt even proccess on a rational way....its not him, its his anger talking....
He wants to move back to the house? Ok cool, act as if, be cool with everything and dont pay attention of what he is doing....his life its a rodeo right now, he is the bull that comes out of the door with all the power and the strenght but in a time he will have no more option than relax....or he will ending getting a heart attack
let him feel like that, focus on what you can do for yourself....
The more that you pay attention to his actions the more you will suffer....and the more you suffer the more he will keep doing the same.... The less attention you pay..the more he has to focus on himself (thats truly what he is avoiding) to see his own part on this....
Get a GAL and exercise for everything else....american express
Also, please check the rules in your jurisdiction. Where I live, mediation is mandatory but it only counts if you mediate after a case has been filed. If no proceeding has been commenced, your mediation may not count for purposes of using it as a prerequisite to going to trial. However, parties are free to mediate at any time, and if you settle it won't matter that a lawsuit hasn't commenced. Just something to ask about before you go to the expense of mediation. Otherwise, a court could order you to mediate again.
Yeah. I know you guys are right. I feel like I am just waiting for the ship to sink to be honest.
He is still lying so much! And not even bothering to try to cover his tracks anymore. He is using our joint bank account to shop nowhere near where he says he is staying. It's ridiculous.
Ok he is lying and?
He is sleeping with OW and?
He doesnt live with you anymore and?
Just answer this question...how was Beersha before this guy came to her life?
You know what ye21? I can barely remember. I had a large, varied circle of friends, and was always busy, always out visiting someone, doing something.
I am trying to get that back but it seems much harder 10 years down the road.
I am trying to force myself out there, but it's hard, especially with my guys in tow.
But I am getting there and there are some super kind people out there.
I just don't know what he is hoping to achieve by moving home. He says no hope to reconciliation, so why come home now, 3 months after he made the break. Isn't it a big step backward for him?
I feel like he is pushing me backwards. Trying to upset things all over again. Regain control for himself b
First part of your post was going on the path...
In the second you go back to why? Why?
No idea why but only time will give you the responses...the universe will take care of the answers when you are ready to listen to them...
Meanwhile lets focus on you, dont "force" yourself this is not a "forcing" recovery....its as simple as accepting the pain...
PAIN ITS RECOVERY... If you suffer you are healing.... If you fall and you break a finger it hurts right?? The sane ones dont hurt right? So this is it, it hurts a lot but it will get better...
Accept all you, if you dont feel like doing nothing dont "force" yourself, things will happen.
My recomendation? Find a CoDependent anonymous group or some group like that, or even al anon, just because there is people there who suffered a separation like you and you can vent without being judge
its a good way at least for me to not feel so isolated..
Again this is your recovery and everything will happen the way its suppossed to happen...
Read DR books , watch Michelle videos and call if you have money one of the coaches!! Work on yourself and thats all that will bring you peace...
You know what ye21? I can barely remember. I had a large, varied circle of friends, and was always busy, always out visiting someone, doing something.
I am trying to get that back but it seems much harder 10 years down the road.
You're very young for being here. That's a good, lucky thing - b/c as bad as you feel now, trust me when I say it is far worse if you remain in this situation for another decade, only to realize you might have found your authentic self now, and you wouldn't be shutting off the possibility of meeting OMs who CAN meet your needs b/c you won't be stuck here...
You say it "seems much harder 10 years down the road", and I get that. But the thing is, it won't get easier than it is now. It only gets more difficult, so more years of this don't make it just happen.
You have to make it happen and the sooner, the better.
I am trying to force myself out there, but it's hard, especially with my guys in tow.
We know it's hard. We know It's not easy. You still have to do it. It's not helpful to keep telling yourself how hard it is, how you "don't want" this, etc. You still must do it.
But I am getting there and there are some super kind people out there.
Yes there are some wonderful people out in the world. Wonderful men, wonderful women, great friends, super funny folks, smart people, etc.
I just don't know what he is hoping to achieve by moving home. He says no hope to reconciliation, so why come home now, 3 months after he made the break. Isn't it a big step backward for him?
2 things: Stop wondering WHY he is doing/planning/saying anything. Stop being in HIS sandbox. There are no answers that you will find satisfying. Period.
Stay in your sandbox. And as for his reasons, who knows?
All we "know" is he'll save money, and perhaps improve/keep his R's with the kids. This is not so surprising to me.
However I would take it as a chance to show my new self to MYSELF and that's it. I would not stare at him to see if he's noticing "NOW???" I'd just practice for myself. Mini tests and make sure you pat yourself on the back when you do well.
BTW, did you read the last post I sent you? It was long. I don't recall any responses from you but there are guidelines in the post for you to consider following. I got them from my DB coach, who was a Godsend.
I feel like he is pushing me backwards. Trying to upset things all over again. Regain control for himself b
He's not doing anything to you. To help you move forward, see the 4 agreements below. (#2 is particularly useful to recall in order to detach.)
You must detach, and GAL helps with that a lot. So do these---
The Four Agreements are:
1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
Clap clap nothing else needs to be said
Hi 25,
Thank you for your post. I am trying to stop focussing on him. I know that I cannot move forward unless I do.
The four agreements are very good, I am trying not to take things personally, but I'm struggling. I've been talking with my IC about it. I can't help but feel I must have done something so bad, so awful to make him do this. To make him so angry and hate me so much so suddenly. He won't share anything. I have stopped asked, we barely communicate to be honest now, unless he initiates it.
I am also bad at trying to mind read or predict what is happening. What it means. I know it isn't useful, and it's most likely wrong. I am getting better though. I don't wonder where he is anymore or who he is with.
I am trying to do my best. And I know I need to work out what I want. I need to figure out what I want now. Except I have no idea. What I really want : my children to be raised by both their parents, in a loving home, together. I want my husband, the man I married, come home. But it seems unlikely I will get what I want. Do I need to figure out my plan b? I have no idea what I want, except for my children and myself to be safe, loved and happy.
I am doing my best to achieve it and I am doing better. I have far less days where I am sad. I can see that I am actually ok now. So I can only be better as time goes on. Either with or without him. It's just still a bit raw I guess when I think too far ahead about what may happen.
Hi all.
I am trying to keep my anxiety in check. He told me earlier this week that he is coming home to stay in the spare room not just for a week, but until 'things are sorted'. I am so nervous now. I know what I have to do, I guess I'm just nervous and scared. I'm so uncomfortable around him now.
Part of me wants to see this as a tiny positive baby step. DR says it's much harder if your spouse has physically left the home. But I also know not to have any expectations. If anything, I expect things to continue as they are, down this path. I don't even really feel all that hopeful anymore.
Its funny, I'm not afraid of parenting on my own. I know I can do it, and that I'll do a damn fine job. I am afraid that I will be alone now. Is that weird? Should I feel that way already? I don't want a new relationship now, don't get me wrong. I guess I'm just lonely.
I wanted to ask 25, I looked back at your threads, and it's amazing how you guys got through it. It seems like despite all of it, your husband was incredibly selfish, but he loved you through it all. My H says now he has zero love for me. Not even ILYBINILWY. I guess I wonder how you come back from that?
So he came home tonight before his night shift. He put the kids to bed, they were delighted. He didn't say a single thing to me until he left for work. (And even that was just to lock the door behind him). I didn't try to engage him or speak to him. I just carried on doing what I was doing. (It wasn't much, just relaxing on the sofa watching tv). Is that the right thing to do? It feels very strange, it's do uncomfortable.
Well, his coming back home will present a different dynamic for sure.
Expect nothing. I'd advise you not even to think of it as a baby step - do not get your hopes up just yet. There is a long, long way to go.
My WAW never left. She talks to OM every day. We sleep in same bed every night. It is very strange.
You have to stay detached. The common advice seems to be to treat them like a roommate. You are polite, responsive, but not overly eager to see him, and not clingy or prying. You just happen to live at the same address.
The upside is that he will see any of the consistent changes you have made in yourself. Keep doing that. Keep your PMA. That may be easier if he is around to help with parenting to give you some relief.
The downside is that this is a strange situation. From the outside, everything looks like a family. From the inside, it is anything but. Don't let yourself fall back to old patterns just because he is there and it may feel natural. It's time to double down on LRT.
At least, as I see it daily. Good luck. You've already come a long way.
Update:
So yesterday was the first day/night with him home. He came home at 0730, all the children got up and had breakfast with him. I left them to it, and enjoyed my first lie in in months!! Then he came to my room and asked to borrow my phone charger, I gave it to him and asked how his night at work was. It was all very polite, borderline friendly even.
I went out with children running errands for most if the day, and when we got home my D4 threw a monster tantrum, and woke H up. I was actually really glad the kids and I had to run out almost straight away to a play date. It was really awkward. We are both moving around our home and interacting with the children like normal, but barely speaking to each other.
When we returned from the play date he was here, and I basically dropped the kids in, and ran out to church. I never get to go without the kids and actually concentrate and pray. He seemed ok with it, and even fed them their dinner.
He left for work not long after I got in, but it didn't seem as awkward.
And then this morning he came home, and was almost friendly again. He came in and said a cheery good morning (in the past i was lucky to be acknowledged at all), and has even volunteered his plans for this evening - he is going out to dinner with his friends apparently.
I'm just not sure what to make of it. It is all such strange behaviour. I'm scared I'm getting too hopeful now he is home, and there are some small positives, that I am just setting myself up for a fall.
I think I am so desperately wanting to see positives that I am inventing them.
Last week I, after my IC session I thought I was doing well.
This is happening, I don't know or understand why and may never. This is not all down to my issues or something I have/haven't done.
I wS even coming to terms with the lies and dishonesty - I had stopped thinking who is he with/what is he doing/where is he? Why is he lying?
I was even able to admit to a friend, the reason I am coping with the kids alone so well, is that I was doing it all myself before he left anyway.
I was able to say 'I don't get any of this. But I'm ok. I will rock being a single mum. My kids will be ok, they are awesome.'
I still had done fears and sad times, but I was doing good. And now I feel like he is here, and I'm going backwards, analysing everything for a meaning, is that a good sign or bad sign?
I'm going to drive myself crazy!! I am trying so hard to 'act as if', but I wonder dies he just see through it! I haven't been able to really GAL this weekend, I've had a quiet one in with my kids, they actually asked to stay home today!
So I have question.
I am almost positive my H is seeing someone else. He has not admitted this, and I have no 'proof'. Last night he told me he was going to dinner at a work colleagues house. He left his work uniform here and said he would stop to pick it up before he started. He came in just 10min before his shift started, in a completely different outfit, looking freshly showered. I know I should have let it go , but I asked why he was so late. He sort of stumbled and didn't really answer, and I just said you need to start telling the truth. He stomped off to work.
I know I should have just bitten my tongue, but he has just come back to stay in our home (in the spare room). Is it unreasonable for me to say that he cannot go for booty calls, and then come back to our family home? It feels so insulting now that he obviously thinks I am that stupid. The friend he was apparently visiting for dinner, didn't even live remotely near the friend he has been telling he was staying with, so how did he pick up a whole new outfit?
Does he have that little regard for me, that he cannot even be honest. He has been away for 3 months, staying with OW I presume. So why come back now, especially if he is just going to go to her whenever he can? He obviously isn't home to see the kids, he hasn't seen them, he's never here!!
Beersha,
I'm just catching up and I'm sorry you find yourself here. To answer your question, yes he thinking of himself and appears to have kitty's regard for your feelings. You've been doing a great job so far all with young kids.
I know it's difficult - detach. Don't think about what your h is doing. You can't control him. Focus on your well being and your kids. Be kind to yourself.
Sorry all. My head is not in a good place today.
All the thoughts are running riot in my head.
All the coulda/woulda/shoulda and what ifs.
Spoke to an IC just before and she said H is being unfair, immature and just mean in what he is doing and not talking. But that doesn't really help me with the thoughts.
I will get back to the gym tomorrow, try and get GALing again. Fake it till I make it.
Grrrr! Just gotta vent now. No gym for me today. Was up most of the night with D4 complaining of a sore ear. She is asleep now of course, so I'll see how she is when she wakes before I take her to the doctor.
And H worked night shift last night and took the family car. He finishes at 0700 and is normally home by 0800. It is now 0915 and no sign of him. So if he has disappeared with the car (which he has done in the past) I can't take D5 to school, (which she is already late for) or D4 to the doctor or do any if he other errands I had planned for today.
And silly me had thought things were at the very least amicable when he left for work last night. He had even sat and watched tv with me in the living room.
I know I haven't been in this long. But i really, really think I am close to letting go. He is so unnecessarily nasty and cruel. So cold and mean. I've read other threads on here and other WAS, while not always nice, at least are prepared to engage in some dialogue, talk about how things are going to work. My H has just walked. Said nothing. Not about the kids, or how he wants to do this. He has made comments about mediation or selling the house but that's it. Nothing further. He has just left and started a new life without us and we obviously don't even enter the equation anymore.
I've texted him this morning, telling him about D4, and tried to phone him. He won't reply or answer. I need the car back to take care of our children, and he won't even answer the phone. She is his daughter!!
I just feel increasingly like I have to drop the rope, just completely walk away from him. He is just being so incredibly selfish and immature. If he wants to end our marriage, there are better ways to do it than this. Why can't he just grow a pair and face the horrible parts of it? He says this is what he wants, so just man up and get it done. At least then I can start getting on with my life properly and taking care of the children, I can move on to someone who will at the very least respect me and be nice to me.
Sorry all. My head is not in a good place today.
All the thoughts are running riot in my head.
All the coulda/woulda/shoulda and what ifs.
Spoke to an IC just before and she said H is being unfair, immature and just mean in what he is doing and not talking. But that doesn't really help me with the thoughts.
This is why I did NOT find most MC's helpful. I know that validation of our perception can let us know we're not going insane, but the thing is, I KNEW my h was being selfish and acting like a single man!....But, what do I DO with that?
IT's why I prefer solution based counseling...
I will get back to the gym tomorrow, try and get GALing again. Fake it till I make it.
Okay first, Please watch Amy Cuddy's TED Talk about that^^ very thing. The "Fake it til you BECOME it" and also Shawn Achor's "Positive Psychology" TED Video as well. Both are on Youtube.
Both will help you. Each is maybe 20 min long and they are pretty profound.
Try to see his presence in the home, as a chance to
give him something to miss. Such as
Good times, loving interactions with the kids and him, OR you and the kids, and be upbeat around him. NO PROBING questions except as it relates to Your schedule. Play some FUN games with the kids, have "kid night" so that they can pick the dinner, and watch a video on a blanket in the TV room as a "picnic" and just enjoy them. It's appealing and touching and it helps THEM feel special, which they need now.
Make sure you do go out, but make sure to THANK HIM for his helping. I know it seems unfair and it IS -- but now, at present, this is about solving some problems and NOT about making it all fair.
My DB coach said to "
applaud loudly for the 1% of positives" he does, and it does help.
Be a bit mysterious but upbeat and content, when you go out. DO GO OUT..."With some friends' etc. As for possible OWs, instead of obsessing about that, try to be the better choice.
Be a woman only a fool would leave. Try turning your marriage over to God. Turn your pain and anger and marriage, over to HIM...I said it out loud in the shower (so the kids wouldn't think I was nuts) and I would say it about 25-50 times.
Thinking it, saying it out loud, hearing myself say it, ALL helped it sink in. Made the conversations a lot calmer on my end.
Meanwhile, Here are the DB rules that Sandi assembled. Not all apply, but most do.
(I copied these onto one sheet and laminated it, and carried it around with me, along with a few mantras that helped soothe me.)
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life, with or without them, and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – Get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce. Be brief with your words, but don't sound rude or too short, as if you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc.
Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patience on your behalf.
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). Sometimes the right thing to say is nothing.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
38. Know that in time, you really will be happy again, regardless of your spouse’s choices. Know this, believe it, and let it show.
39. Do not believe that showing your spouse your pain and misery proves your love for them. It just makes it harder to be around you.
40. Don’t worry about how the past is viewed. What matters is this now, and “from this day forward.” Learn to let go of the past and what you cannot control. It’s a lot to let go of, but it is very freeing.
Thanks 25.
I really feel bad today, like just giving up.
I totally messed up yesterday, I completely lost it at him. I was politely trying to ask him about the car the day before. I needed it for one of our children, and he just ignored me. He sat there and just straight up lied to my face. He put himself before the health and needs of our children. I guess I saw red. I said all the things I've held in the past little while. Told him about the stark financial reality the children and I will face. As usual he said nothing, at first. Then he says he didn't know why he is doing this, he doesn't know why he feels this way. But his life isn't exactly going to be great now either. Uh hello - your choices????!!!!! I got more of the 'get a full time job - give up your career (because it's shift work) and get a normal job'
And then he threatened me with a restraining order. When I says what are you talking about, he said I know you've seen my emails on the computer, and you are so pathetic falling for a fake restaurant booking. I was astounded. Yeah I m not proud of leaving his email logged on. Or going past that restaurant. But he set me up? Why? To make me out to be a crazy woman? To take my kids away? He hasn't made any efforts regarding them in the past 3 months. He is do full of hate and anger. It's just so much to take. Why does he want to destroy me ? It really feels like that is what he wants.
I know it was a massive backslide. I know that. And I will start again today. I'm just not sure if I want to anymore.
Beersha, you asked a few posts ago why he can't "man up" and leave but in a different way. Or words to that effect.
So my question is, what is he NOT doing now, that you'd need him to do, to be sure of what HE wants? Meaning, isn't he being pretty clear?
I know it stinks big time, but from where I sit, he seems resolute, as many WAH's are at this time. Doesn't mean he won't change his mind, later on...but for now I see a lot of clarity on his end.
So the question is, what do YOU want,
given the realities of the situation?
Thanks 25.
I really feel bad today, like just giving up.
I totally messed up yesterday, I completely lost it at him. I was politely trying to ask him about the car the day before. I needed it for one of our children, and he just ignored me. He sat there and just straight up lied to my face.
Well, which is it? He ignored your or he lied? How do you know?
He put himself before the health and needs of our children. I guess I saw red.
I'm confident he does NOT see his behavior then, ^^ as putting himself ahead of their health or needs. I'd bet a lot of money that he sees this very differently and may even blame you for 'over reacting", "vilifying him", etc.
I said all the things I've held in the past little while. Told him about the stark financial reality the children and I will face. As usual he said nothing, at first. Then he says he didn't know why he is doing this, he doesn't know why he feels this way. But his life isn't exactly going to be great now either.
in other words, HE IS IN PAIN...and your reaction was to completely blame him for that. Hey, you know this was a chance to LISTEN for information FROM him, and not to pounce.
But you're hurt and angry, and I understand that the pain you're in is not likely to bring out the best in you. (But the same applies to him). Go easy on yourself, but learn from this...and change the next interaction you have.
Uh hello - your choices????!!!!! I got more of the 'get a full time job - give up your career (because it's shift work) and get a normal job'
is there any validity to his concerns here? ^^ Seems to me your shift work probably hindered the bonding a couple can do that helps. Plus, most marriages report the lowest satisfaction levels in the first years after the birth of their 2nd or 3rd child. It's the most demanding period in their lives, unrelenting too, and it's even more important to make time for the couple.
So I think changing your shift work is probably not a bad idea at all. Why not do it? Do you love your job? Besides, if nothing changes on your end, why would your h come home?
Remember this:
No WAS comes back to their marriage, unless they believe that
marriage to their spouse can be better/different, than before...
It's the LBS job to SHOW (not say) that it can be! What are you doing to show that?
And then he threatened me with a restraining order. When I says what are you talking about, he said I know you've seen my emails on the computer, and you are so pathetic falling for a fake restaurant booking. I was astounded. Yeah I m not proud of leaving his email logged on. Or going past that restaurant. But he set me up? Why?
I'm not very clear on this^^. So, You snooped and also followed him around? OR it looks that way, IS that correct?
So I assume the restraining order would apply between you and him, NOT you and the kids, correct? And can YOU SEE how he might have a point? A court might agree with his assessment and it is definitely not benefitting you to behave this way. Do you see that?
To make me out to be a crazy woman? To take my kids away?
I don't think it has anything to do with the kids, it's to keep you away from HIM.
But I'm not sure how that would work if he were at the house...
He hasn't made any efforts regarding them in the past 3 months. He is do full of hate and anger.
Have you documented his visits/calls to the kids? It might be a good idea. Also, stop reading so much emotion into his words or actions. If he does not SAY he hates you, then don't assume things that hurt you. Besides, even if he did say that, it wouldn't make it true OR unchangeable.
It's just so much to take. Why does he want to destroy me ? It really feels like that is what he wants.
I'm sure he does not want to destroy you. STOP seeing what is NOT there. It makes it worse for all of you, especially for you.
I know it was a massive backslide. I know that. And I will start again today. I'm just not sure if I want to anymore.
It's a fair question to ask yourself. Be realistic for 2 minutes. IF he were to say "oh, sorry about all that. Let's reconcile."
What would you require of you as a couple, BEFORE reconciling, OR would you simply move in together and pick up where you left off? Would YOU seek counseling for yourself too? OR just him, just you two, or neither? Be as frank as you can be, b/c it's the only way to assess the likelihood of success later on...
Be clear about what you'd need from him for forward movement. Going "From this day forward" is not complicated, but it's very hard, and yet it's mandatory to a true reconciliation.
The reality MIGHT be, that you won't be able to get past this, ever...
IF that ^^ is the case, if you don't believe you could ever get past this,
(& many many of us could not get past it. The worst choice you can make in that case, is staying together AND staying miserable), it'd be good to know sooner rather than later.
Is there an update besheeba
Hi everyone.
It's been a while but I thought I'd jump on and let you know where things are at.
The situation hasn't changed really, but I think I have. He still is only rarely around, although he is asking about the children more. He still doesn't make them a priority to see when he has time off work, but is buying them things. He still won't tell me where he stays or who he is with. (Not that I ask anymore)
He still seems very conflicted. He still acts as if our house is still his home. He still refers to 'our' house, he still has his mail coming here. When I am here he sleeps in the spare room, but when I was away over Easter I noticed he slept in my (our old) bed.
He has finally deleted me from FB. He reacts in strange ways to things too. My D5 had a fund raiser portrait day. I told him about it but he never came. I went and got what turned out to be awesome pictures of the kids and me. When I shared them online he got very angry. It turns out he has barely mentioned what's going on to his family (his brothers and sisters), he accused me of not inviting him to the photo. I didn't understand this - did he want a picture of us all together? After that he said he was stopping his money into the joint account, and that was it. That was 2 weeks ago and he didn't do it. He still hasn't arranged mediation or taken any of that any further either. (That I know of anyway)
He worked over Easter, and I took the children to visit my family. On Tuesday it was our sons 2nd birthday, and he was home, and did the whole dinner and cake as family. Since he hasn't explained anything to children about what's happening, they are very confused by this. Even tonight he told them he still lives here, and wanted them to be asleep before he left. He needs to give them more credit. They are far smarter than that.
I am much more detached now. I don't contact him unless it's about the kids. And then it's brief. If he talks to me I'm polite, etc but I don't attempt to even make small talk anymore. He occasionally tells me things about his work etc. I just end up wondering why he is telling me these things.
I am trying up just get on with things really, make sure the kids and I are as ok as we can be financially, and I'm starting to get it together emotionally I think.
I still have the 'what's wrong with me' moments, moments where I feel so scared that this is as good as it will get for me. But I'm getting better, I can picture a life without him in it.
I realised recently though that I am not done. I still love him and I know that if he came home and said 'I'm sorry, let's try', I would welcome it.
I basically trying to take each day, each interaction at a time. I'm trying to not have expectations (if I do now they are more likely negative anyway). I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing really, no idea if things are moving in any sort of positive direction.
I basically trying to take each day, each interaction at a time. I'm trying to not have expectations (if I do now they are more likely negative anyway). I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing really, no idea if things are moving in any sort of positive direction.
You sound so much better, much more confident than you did a few weeks ago.
I'd say that's very positive.
Wow. I just read back over my thread. I have been so up and down. I mean I knew that but looking back at it, whoa. I have come a long way. I was really negative then. That was how he described me when he left. Maybe he was right.
One thing I have realised I haven't mentioned in all this is some history. In 2009 when I was 24 weeks pregnant with D4 he announced (just after we had signed a
Lease for a new rental) that he didn't love me and was done. He never moved out but disappeared for about 6 weeks. Finally he decided to talk to a C with me, and I thought we had worked through it and were stronger than ever. I. The 4 years since then we hit married, had our son, moved continents, bought our first home. So it's even a big 4 years. With plenty if opportunities to say 'I'm not sure' I would have thought if you had serious doubts about our relationship.
But now I'm wondering if maybe he was telling the truth in 2009, and has spent all this time trying to convince himself. It would make him an amazing actor, and me blind but maybe? My IC thinks he isn't well, his behaviour is too erratic and his personality change too complete. I don't know. I'm just missing him today, and our kids are struggling these past few days. They keep having sad moments and when I ask what's wrong they say they miss daddy. I just tell them I miss him too, and reinforce how loved they are, and to tell daddy how they feel.
I'm struggling a bit with GAL at the moment, trying to find things to do with the kids in tow. But I've made some new friends too which helps. Found a lot of strength in my faith too.
Preparing for the worst but hoping for the best pretty well sums me up at the moment.
Seems to me that it's a common theme to have a complete change of personality and the whole re writing of history, to something that doesn't correspond to the remotest truth.
Hi all,
Just an update/journalling I guess.
My H is around a lot more, generally staying 2-3 nights a week in the spare room. He still disappears to god knows where, I still suspect OW although he denies it. He isn't angry with me any more either which makes things much more comfortable between us. He is almost friendly sometimes, telling me things about his day, his friends. I'm very confused. He has opened a separate bank account, but hasn't moved his salary from our joint account. He hasn't mentioned mediation or. Anything like that for at least a month.
I am still trying to have no expectations, but it's hard. Out D6 has just started playing soccer and he has come to all her games with me, as a family. He helped me with her birthday party, and if you didn't know what has happened, you wouldn't have been able to tell. He even called me Pet like he always used to do. I'm trying not to get too hopeful but it does honestly seem positive to me.
What do I do next? Do I just keep going? He doesn't touch me, shows no affection, how do we get that back with him in the spare room? I feel like we are so close but still so far!
How have you detached from him? What have you been doing to increase positive interactions with him? Take things one step at a time.
Well, I pretty much just get on with it. I organise mine and the children's lives the best I can. We do everything whether he is around or not. I don't ask him to come but he is informed. I'm struggling a little with the GALing due to financial and babysitting constraints, but I'm doing little things, like listening to a radio station I loved but he hates. I go to church a lot more too.
I'm trying be friendly and happy around him, like someone you would want to be around. Apart from that I'm sort of stuck for want to do.
Phew. Been a while. I really need some support right now.
So since my last post my H had virtually moved back in, we were doing things together as a family again. Everyone seemed happier.
We were even intimate again. And then i found proof of his infidelity (on my birthday no less). But that was ok, i already knew it deep down, and it seemed to trigger some of the necessary, hard conversations.
Things sort of stagnated there though, he wouldn't commit to whatever it was that he wanted. So we plodded on, baby steps and all that.
Until last night. I let my insecurities and fears get the better of me, and i picked a fight. I tried to force him to talk to me, doing all the things he says he is leaving because of (not listening properly to him is a big one) I should have just let it drop, but i didn't and he left again. He says he has tried and can't anymore. He only told me what the problems were for him last week! He refuses to talk to a MC or anyone.
So now i feel like i have ruined everything. All the effort so far, destroyed by one moment of insecurity.
Why did you allow your H to move back in? Did the two of you decide to reconcile? When you said you discovered OW, did you mean that he never ended it?
I found some photos on the computer. I asked him about them and he said it was over, didn't last long, he was very sorry and it was wrong. He has blocked her on all social media etc too. i believe him. he even said he would talk to a priest who has been helping me, although he hasn't.
He came home and moved back into the spare room. When I discovered the photos he said there was no point trying to save our marriage, he had killed it. I told him this wasn't true, as I was still here, and I am more than able and willing to forgive. And we had some more conversations about possibly moving forward. , I was tentatively suggesting we spend some time together with out the kids, movies etc. He started to put up walls again, and then last night i ruined it all.
He says he doesn't love me, hasn't for a long time, only married me as a way to force himself. Says he has been trying for years, and is done. When i asked why he never said anything, he said, what would have been the point? I said well now i know the issues, please give me a chance to try with you?! He just says no.
He flips and changes. He says he wants to split but wants me and the kids to stay in the house (Which i can't afford alone), he wants to see them whenever he wants, he wants things to stay as they are really. When i point out that it can't work that way, he says fine. you wont get a cent more than what i have to give, and if you try to take the kids to where your family live 4 hours away,(i have no support network where we live), i'll fight you in court. And then he said the only reason he came home was his lawyer told him to. And with that he left the house, saying this is why it will never work.
Sounds like he's withdrawing from ow.
He's all over the map, it would be very frustrating. Mines still Mia. We have the same bd.
Oh i am struggling so bad today! Its almost worse knowing exactly where i went wrong. My biggest mistake was allowing myself to have expectations. I had dropped any, i had pretty much resolved myself to the fact that this was happening, and i just had to get on with it.
I feel like I'm back at day 1 again now
It's a process and we all backslide, nearly everyone.
Your a human. Move on don't wallow.
Hi all.
Sorry about my freak out earlier today. I feel much better now. Im almost angry at him about the whole situation. But we had a brief interaction earlier this evening, which wasn't as bad as I expected. I picked myself up and carried myself as if. He was ok, polite, almost friendly. He hasn't said he is leaving the house again, which I hope is a positive. W
"He has blocked her on all social media etc too. i believe him. he even said he would talk to a priest who has been helping me, although he hasn't."
He's lying to you. Tell him that in order for the two of you to heal again, you need to feel safe with him. Tell him that safety is important to you and that the first stop is TRUST. Tell him that you would like a transparency plan whereby you can check his messages and emails at any time.
He has to EARN your trust back.