It has been a difficult two weeks for me. Valentine day was extremely difficult for me because w spent that special day with OM. I couldn't sleep but think about our 9yrs together. Wife still living in a fantasy land. She spend more time with OM than ever. Still insist on wanting a divorce. I'm currently consulting with my lawyer regarding my daughter and my assets. I'm also working on me and planning to take more fun trips with my daughter. I honestly don't know where to go from here but to pray to God for guidance. I'm hoping for the best but everything looks bad right now. To be honest, I'm starting to lose hope.
Love ya man. You need rest. It will help thinking and decisions to deal with the business side of this and work with your lawyer efficiently. It sounds harsh, but it will help to detach. Your daughter needs you and you will always have her. Get the legalities tidied up neatly and peacefully. You will be able to afford the time and money for the trips the smoother this part goes, without compromising your rights of course.
@floydman
Thanks man. I'm not giving up but loosing up gradually. Very difficult for me to deal with the affair. Knowing my wife is F another man multiple times a week is hard to swallow. Three month and affair still continue with OM.
I know pal. I have been there. It hurts like hell. To your W she wants divorce and does not see it as affair any longer...as misguided as that is. Get business going and it helps take focus off her and easier to detach. If you don't, it will cost more, time money and stress you you and your D. You are allowed to be free too, not just her. Don't let her selfishness hold you hostage. You need to protect yourself financially, as I have learned now that selfishness has no boundaries for the WAS and will will spread out beyond the A and she will want more. Cake eaters are sick.
I feel for you Lost! I am in a similar spot with W still having an affair, claiming she thinks she loves him. Don't think about what they are doing!!! I know that is easier said than done. But it does you no good. I struggle with this myself, and it makes me sick when I do think of it. But when you feel that thought coming on, do something else. Get up, go do something else. Come here and vent, post. Anything! Do something that you like. For me that has been big and small things. Sometimes as little as grabbing some food I love. Get a massage! Something to spoil yourself. You deserve it right now. I know it helps a little for me. I was nickel and diming everything I did for awhile in preparation for what I feared would come tomorrow. But, today has come, and nothing has changed. This is the hardest thing I have been through, so why shouldn't we treat ourselves. Cut ourselves some slack! Dot be reckless, but think of something that brings you happiness. You deserve it! Stay strong! You can make it through this! No matter what the outcome.
Look up Joe Beam and marriage. His message compliments well with DB and it might help you hearing it from a guy's POV.
Thanks Floydman, mrbond and D2ndday
I'm honestly tired of her crap. She's rude and selfish. OM is her new man now. You're absolutely right D2ndday. She no longer call it affair. No shame either. At first that's all I get from her all day, that's s not the case now. She claimed OM and moving forward with him. She already told all her family she's not interested in the marriage any more.
@mrbond
Do I need to search for joe beam on this forum?
It has been a difficult two weeks for me. Valentine day was extremely difficult for me because w spent that special day with OM.
It'll get better. I used to get depressed thinking about W flitting about with OM on holidays too, now my focus is on my life, not what W is doing or who she's doing it with. You'll get there too, just be patient with yourself, it takes a while.
I honestly don't know where to go from here but to pray to God for guidance. I'm hoping for the best but everything looks bad right now. To be honest, I'm starting to lose hope.
Your sitch just started in December, right? So you're not even 3 months in. This early you really don't know where things are going. Like we always say, it's a marathon, not a sprint. Take a deep breath and settle in for the long haul. When you say you're losing hope, that tells me you're focusing too much on your M. When you are fully embracing GAL your marital problems become something going on in the background. I'm not saying you never think about it, but you won't focus on how good or bad it is, you'll just live your life and let that shake out how it will. The first 3 to 6 months was the most difficult part for me, after that I began to care less and less about where it was going and became more interested in where I was going. You need patience not just for your W, but for you too.
Since you mentioned God, one thing I learned from my experience is despite an INSANE amount of my praying to the contrary, God is NOT willing to operate on my timeline. I just kept praying for him to bring W back to me ASAP. Sometimes dozens of times a day. All those prayers went unanswered. Some people might go through that and decide there is no God. But I stepped back and said "what is God trying to tell me?" IE, he knows what I want, and he's not giving it to me, why is that? I think it was because he wanted me to find myself, to make more of myself, to quit coasting through life and start LIVING it. Take chances, the risks are greater but so are the rewards. So that's what I do now, and I am enjoying life more than I have in many years (since well before BD). Maybe God will yet bring us back together, but at this point I've accepted that if that ever happens it will be years from now and well after D. My point is adjust your praying, I mean do pray for your W and your M, but also pray that he shows you the path he wants you on. It may not be the path you want to be on.
@D2ndday
I appreciate the advice man. I feel you pain man. I honestly don't know why you give so much and most female nowadays still step out and hurt the supposed to be most important person in there lives. So you guys still live together? How's that going for you? I know that must be very difficult.
@anotherstander.
I appreciate all the advice. I'm focusing more on me and my daughter now. I need to take care of me and worry less about what I've no control over. W told me her relationship with OM will probably end soon, but she think there's something better than us out there. She says things just to get me upset and to leave her alone so she can F around some more. Only God knows the outcome of all this, but today I know I'm more important and deserve to be happy. I'll enjoy myself and take care of my daughter. I'm planning to take her to Disney world next month. This whole thing started in early December, so 3month into her mess. She think she's in control of me and OM and will stop whenever she choses. Time wait for no one. So my life should go on with or without her. Sorry about your situation. I'm praying for everyone going through this headache and disappointment.
@anotherstander.
I appreciate all the advice. I'm focusing more on me and my daughter now. I need to take care of me and worry less about what I've no control over. W told me her relationship with OM will probably end soon, but she think there's something better than us out there. She says things just to get me upset and to leave her alone so she can F around some more. Only God knows the outcome of all this, but today I know I'm more important and deserve to be happy. I'll enjoy myself and take care of my daughter. I'm planning to take her to Disney world next month. This whole thing started in early December, so 3month into her mess. She think she's in control of me and OM and will stop whenever she choses. Time wait for no one. So my life should go on with or without her. Sorry about your situation. I'm praying for everyone going through this headache and disappointment.
Lost!,
You sound like you are in a much better place now....Definitely not in Bora Bora, but better in light of the situation.
Time is your friend...Use it wisely.
Have you been able to see your daughter since early January?
I appreciate the advice man. I feel you pain man. I honestly don't know why you give so much and most female nowadays still step out and hurt the supposed to be most important person in there lives. So you guys still live together? How's that going for you? I know that must be very difficult.
There are ups and downs.. I know we all are in different places here and stages of dealing and learning in our situations. I take comfort here. I, we, are not alone here. Times where I think people don't understand what this is like, I know here, they do. My thing is, we are not alone in this. For me, there a times, where it feels like I have to shoulder it all, but I don't.
@floydman
Thanks man. I'm not giving up but loosing up gradually. Very difficult for me to deal with the affair. Knowing my wife is F another man multiple times a week is hard to swallow. Three month and affair still continue with OM.
3 months is not long, unless you are in great pain, and I know you are. But try to get the big picture here.
And may I recommend a movie for you to watch? I hesitate b/c I don't want you to get the "wrong" message from it, b/c it could mean false hope.
But then, it also has other messages AND shows divorce from a kids' perspective (not so clean and tidy).
Anyhow, it's VERY well written, like clearly someone who has DB'd wrote the script.
IT's called "
Stuck in Love" with Greg Kinnear, Jennifer Connolly, and a great cast.
Also shows things from the kids view point.
Bora bora lol! I'm doing better brother. I'm Working hard to take care of me and my daughter. My primary focus now is my daughter and me. She's in a full relationship affair and nothing can stop her for now. I've accepted that and moving forward with my life. My peace of mind and sanity is more important.
Wow. Great movie indeed. I saw the movie early this morning. I guess there's always hope if you ready to put the work. I'm in pain but doing everything in my power not to allow her relationship affair affect me. My primary focus now is my daughter and my carrier. She only call if she need something. I'm too smart for her games now. I only do things that benefit my daughter and not her and OM. She makes enough money now to take care of her self and her young lover. Thanks for sharing the movie.
Just finished reading your story man. Wow! Jaw dropping brother. I'm so sorry that you're going through all this. Having a affair is one thing but carrying OM baby is taking it to another level. Do you think her family knows about the pregnancy? What about OM?
Alot of generalities in your statements.
There are many situations on here who have had affairs in them and were reconciled. The outcome is basically up to you and if you're willing to put the time and effort into it.
I'm doing just that mrbond. Not easy but my main focus now is my daughter and I. She's young and don't deserve to be part of this mess. I last spoke to w on Tuesday and we made arrangement for her to call me 7pm everyday so I can speak to my daughter. That only lasted for one day before her throwing OM name in my face again. I don't have time for her nonsense anymore. "I don't see any longevity with this guy but I think there's something better than all this out there for me" I told her good luck and hang up the phone. I now know my worth and will not take anymore insult from her or anyone again. We can have the discussion regarding our marriage when she come back to her senses, and if not, life goes on.
I miss talking to my daughter but honestly don't feel
Like calling her. She called multiple times yesterday morning to get me to fax a copy of our new insurance card. I ignored all her calls but wrote her back after getting a text that the reason for her calls was to get me to fax a copy of our insurance card to her. I faxed her the copy and that's it. We have nothing to talk about.
I understand what you mean, L...but please, make sure you do NOT cut off your d.
Learn a way to "handle" what your says or throws at you but make sure you DO talk to your d.
It's hard enough for your d to "know" her father when she rarely sees him, it'll be easy to forget you if you cut her out totally.
my h and I were sep almost 2 years but not without any contact, however. We'd see him every few weeks AND they were older than your d, and we had lived as a family for several years at the time. They knew him well enough to miss him.
But it takes a toll on the kids & their r's with their dad.
They learn to get their own lives, their own friends and even in normal healthy happy families, at some point your d's friends will take over HER life.
AND, young kids learn to take the father's absence as a rejection of them...which fuels the disconnect and resentment they will feel for an absentee father. I know this from experience.
Sure, her growing into the teen years seems far away to you now. But time passes...and the distance between you and your w/d, has already taken a toll.
Your m may well end b/c of the distance and strain that puts on a m. As Sandi said, marriages take nurturing, which is simply NOT achievable over time, and with such a distance. At least not without tremendous long term consistent effort and even then, only if you KNOW there's an end in sight.
My h was deployed overseas for several months and it was hard to reach him. HE had to initiate contact or we would not be able to communicate. He missed a lot. But at least it was not his choice to go...we had already been thru that and the kids were deeply wounded. More than I even knew...
Your d is very young. Stay in her life no matter what.
You'll never regret doing right by your daughter.
Thanks a lot for the advice. I'll not allow her nonsense to take away or distract me from giving love and care to my daughter. I need her now more than ever. She's young but smart like a weep. I'll hate for to see some of the nonsense her mom is doing while she's in bed sleeping. I'm going full custody if this marriage go south.
Well I finally spoke to my daughter this evening. It only lasted for two second but was happy to hear her say "hi daddy" W asked if she could speak to me after talking to my daughter. I reluctantly said yes and sure do regret talking to her later. She pretty much told me she's in a relationship with the guy now and care a lot about him. She told me she has always loved me and care a lot about me. Two different thing right. She also said she's better off looking elsewhere if things don't work out with this guy. Meaning we don't have a chance to get back together. She also told me she's happy spending time with OM and not happy spending time with me. She end the conversation by saying its unfortunate I feel the way I feel but she's praying to God for guidance. I'm
Starting to think this marriage is a wrap.
"I'm going full custody if this marriage go south."
Why? I don't see where your W was being a bad MOTHER. You have to learn to distinguish between your marriage and your daughter's relationship to both you and HER mother. Right now it sounds like you're doing it to play morality police.
"Starting to think this marriage is a wrap."
Every situation is different, and I can't tell you how many times we've heard the same thing from many WAS's who have had A's. The point is in what way have YOU been changing? It should be irregardless of what your W is doing.
Well I finally spoke to my daughter this evening. It only lasted for two second but was happy to hear her say "hi daddy"-Excellent...Keep that Contact Up Lost.
W asked if she could speak to me after talking to my daughter. I reluctantly said yes and sure do regret talking to her later.- Fine other than you do not have boundaries in place...Nor can you enforce them. I am suggesting again a communication boundary. You can talk with your wife, but once the topic changes from your daughter...Then the conversation needs to end. You can tell your wife this (nicely) that conversations will only be about your daughter....other topics of conversation will lead to cease of communication that day.
She pretty much told me she's in a relationship with the guy now and care a lot about him. She told me she has always loved me and care a lot about me. Two different thing right. She also said she's better off looking elsewhere if things don't work out with this guy.- By not having communication boundaries...You set your self up for this WAS spew. Set up a boundary.
Meaning we don't have a chance to get back together.- Reading meaning in another persons statements....Predicting the future....Assumptions....Making her statements about you. Not good DB man. Also, if you can predict the future, can I have the lottery numbers please.
She also told me she's happy spending time with OM and not happy spending time with me.- Be realistic Lost....How much time has she really spent with you?
She end the conversation by saying its unfortunate I feel the way I feel but she's praying to God for guidance.- She is projecting her feelings onto you....Usual WAS spew. Pretty much playbook stuff here.
"I'm Starting to think this marriage is a wrap."- Assumptions and predictions.....Gotta stop that LOL
Tonight do yourself a favor....Set a boundary, if your wife gets on the phone. Conversations with her revolve only around your daughter. Once the OM is mentioned, You end the call nicely.
No lie what she did to me bother me. The way she did it, the selfishness, the unkind words said to me, the manipulation, lies and her plans with OM to get a car from me. The car seat in the garage now. I cried every time I take a look at it. I planned on putting it for sale this week. I've no need for it. I bought it out of love for my family, not knowing the whole thing was planned. She never thought about our little girl once. She never thought about the impact of a divorce on a young little girl. She never thought about all the love and care I showed her. How can a woman be this selfish and heartless. Money meant to be saved towards our D college fund will now be spent on hotels stay, renter car and unnecessary legal fees. I don't get it. I'm sad and just need to vent. Everything around the house remind me of us, I think about what we used to share. I think about all the big plans of visiting my country. I think about vacations and road trip planned with families. Going out is sometime difficult because I see someone that looks like her or wearing something similar to a dress or scarf I bought for her. Breaking up is hard, destruction of a family is even worse. The pain and headache is crazy.
I completely agree with you. I've set boundaries but she always figure out a way to get to me. She's good with stuff like that. Shower me with kindness then drop the bomb in the middle of unrelated conversation. I guess it's my fought for allowing her to do that me. I'm still learning and working on me. Mistakes with be made, but with time I'll get better at DB. Hopefully is not too late.
I'm not going full custody out of hatred or anything close to that. I want the best for my daughter. Leaving her with another family multiple times a week is not acceptable. I don't know this people. She drop her at day care and the woman pick her up from there. What good mother leave her daughter overnight till 2pm next day. I'll think her daughter will be more important than any other man. What woman have sex with another man while her daughter is watching a movie on her iPad in a one bedroom apt. Why confused a child by bringing another man around her this early. She get confused when she sees me. She pretty much have to reminds her that's daddy every time am over there to see her. I'm confused and sad.
"I'm not going full custody out of hatred or anything close to that."
Sure you're not.
"I want the best for my daughter."
And you don't think your W does? She's leaving YOU, NOT HER. That's just the plain truth and sorry you have to live with that realization.
"Leaving her with another family multiple times a week is not acceptable."
TO YOU. And by the way, again, YOU are not her only parent.
"I don't know this people. She drop her at day care and the woman pick her up from there. What good mother leave her daughter overnight till 2pm next day."
You better watch that comment. There are many families who do just out of necessity.
"I'll think her daughter will be more important than any other man. What woman have sex with another man while her daughter is watching a movie on her iPad in a one bedroom apt."
Yeah, I can see how you're obviously not hurt by your W.
"Why confused a child by bringing another man around her this early. She get confused when she sees me. She pretty much have to reminds her that's daddy every time am over there to see her. I'm confused and sad."
Look, I get how you feel. My W wanted to leave me when our youngest was just 2. HOWEVER, you don't let that cloud your judgement. Your D needs your W as much as she needs you. AND you don't get to dictate how your D will be raised any more than your W does. That's just the truth. Your whole post is FULL of hatred and spite.
I'm not going full custody out of hatred or anything close to that. I want the best for my daughter. Leaving her with another family multiple times a week is not acceptable.
Wait a second. Since when is it not acceptable. Since OM? You are pretending this is about what is best for your d but it was all fine when you believed your w was keeping her vows.
This is you, not seeing when you are being petty or punitive. You need to recognize the difference between a health boundary & your wounded pride. We ALL had to do this, btw.
I don't know this people. She drop her at day care and the woman pick her up from there. What good mother leave her daughter overnight till 2pm next day.
What kind of mother? Gee, how about a single working mom who only sees her h a few days a month I guess...YOUR chronic long term absence helped create this situation.
I don't mean to slap you around too hard when you are down, but you need to see your role in this FAST or you will learn nothing. Then, instead of becoming a bEtter you, you will become a bItter you.
I'll think her daughter will be more important than any other man. What woman have sex with another man while her daughter is watching a movie on her iPad in a one bedroom apt. Why confused a child by bringing another man around her this early. She get confused when she sees me. She pretty much have to reminds her that's daddy every time am over there to see her. I'm confused and sad.
Lost, you know why your d is confused and it's NOT b/c of your w. It's b/c you are gone too much for too long, and you have a very young d with a short memory and short attention span. Hence the need for frequent in person contact, which YOU must create.
My h is an MD who has worked long hours, that are unrelenting, for decades. Not one of our 3 children wants to be a doctor for that very reason.
Our oldest d used to hide from h when he'd get home after working 80-90 hours a week b/c she did not know him...that is NOT my fault or my d's.
It's a byproduct of & trade off many doctors and their families make. But it stinks. And if I had it all to do over again, I would not want my h to go back to school for his MD. But I don't have it to do over again.
So I hope others learn from this^^^....you don't get to make up for lost time.
You only get to go "from this day forward" like the vows tell us.
Let go of all thoughts about your w for now. She is taking up too much space in your head.
AND tell us what you are learning from the Div Busting/Remedy books...you are reading it, right?
Not sure if I'll want my w back if she dance her way back. I'm starting to get irritated with everything. I know how crazy and wild she could get when it comes to sex. I feel like doing some damages and call it day. I feel like calling her job and reporting the affair. A low employee sleeping with a married Doc is not allowed at her job. I'm honestly not that kind of man, but pay back is a bitch for what she did to me. I took the car back to the dealership today and they offer 6k less than what I paid for it. Sad and upset now.
Ok I take that back. Nothing will push me to go that far. I'm upset because her and OM planned this whole car thing and my poor wallet is suffering the pain now.
I agree this whole situation is turning me to one angry man. I need purse and continue to focus on me and my D. My daughter deserve better. I'm traveling to go spend time with her this weekend. W is happy to hear that because she got a free babysitter for the weekend lol.
I need to purse and continue to focus on me and my daughter. I guess I got pissed off because I lost 6k on the car her and OM bamboozle me to get. I'm not working now so every dollar counts. Her whole reaction to the car thing got me upset this afternoon. "I've no conscience and don't feel sorry for you" I only call her because her name was on the paper work. I honestly don't know this woman anymore.
Oh nice, so your husband is a physician? What's specialty?
I'm sad and very emotional now. W just sent me a video of my daughter singing happy birthday to her sister. My daughter is my world. She's everything to me. I miss the supposed to be perfect family I used to have.
"I've no conscience and don't feel sorry for you"
She actually said those EXACT words to you? This was concerning the car?
Yes mr bond. She said that same exact words to me yesterday. I've never seen anything like this in my life. I'm to the point of just contacting my lawyer to go ahead and file. She's insensitive, rude and mean. she's lost in her relationship affair and don't care if I lose everything. She told me I'll be fine and recover later. OM is pressuring her to divorce me so he will be the only man in the picture. I'm spending more time focusing on my life but this woman is possess with something.
And how did you respond back to her? Did she text that to you or say it to you? Take that to the L.
She said she want to be there for me while I get myself together. What kind of crap is that. I really hate myself for listening to that nonsense. I've boundaries in place but she always shift the conversation to something totally different. She's also pressuring me to file as a couple on our taxes so she can get more money back from Uncle Sam. She's banking on using the real estate I own to offset how much we get or pay back to the gov. I told her we are no longer a couple and taxes should be done separately. I can't believe she won't stop her fraudulent tactics to get something out of me. I'm getting to the point of going dark. I know she probably will like that. But I need that for my peace of mind.
Text. She said something like I told you to give me the car and I'll try and pay for it until you get yourself together and back working again. She make little money now and want to enjoy a luxury car with OM. I honestly think this marriage is over.
I honestly think I married a manipulative woman and a user. Words that comes out of her mouth speaks volume. I know she's will go after all my assets at the end. I know it will be difficult to get the money I gave her father back. They're supporting her and doing nothing about all this. Cheating is not new to them, so her doing it while married is not a big deal. She claim she's not happy. She seek a 26yrs old guy instead of asking for divorce. I honestly think I just wasted 9yrs of my life providing for this woman. I'm upset and need to vent.
Well do what you need to do. FWIW, all WAS's say the craziest stuff. After my W went through her episode after several years, I ask her sometimes about the things she said and she tells me that she can't remember. And she's very honest about that. Many other WAS's have done the same. They really don't remember the crazy stuff that comes out of their mouths.
I agree with your point completely. My friend told me he experience same craziness when his wife was having affair couple of yrs ago. I can understand she's being pressured by this young man to say mean stuff so he can get me completely out of the picture, but at what point will she realize she's mother and a wife. At what point will she Understand her actions has consequences. You have a young OM that fantasize about nailing a hot MD. She"s not only giving him her body but also taking away from me to care for this he goat lol. I know I'm three month into this crazy love triangle or soap opera but her words means nothing to me anymore. I don't trust her and clearly confused now about wanting her back in my life. I don't trust anything that comes out of her mouth and that make things even more difficult for me. Love is not enough when you have a 25 or 26yrs guy pressuring a grown woman to divorce her husband for him. A boy that live in a apartment with three other room mate. When does she realize she's throwing away her future for emptiness and disappointment. Yes it's possible for her to take care of him with the money she'll be getting from me if this ever go to court, but all that for what. For our daughter to grow up in a broken home and see another man trying to be daddy to her. Money is not everything. Family mean everything to me. I came from a simple family, we don't have much but very comfortable because we're family. So money means nothing to me. Not that I'm giving up but confused about everything. She was a little nice tonight. It only lasted for 5mins though. She said something about her missing talking to me during our drive to work in the morning. She also said she thought about me a little over the weekend when she didn't hear from me for four days. I'll tell you guys something now, I think all that is BS. I honestly think it's all games now. She's nice because she got a free daddy care for 4days. She can now spend all weekend With OM. Not that I'm complaining about spending the weekend with my daughter. My problem is that she's a user and will say anything to protect her tracks.
I am not sure if your W will ever understand the damage and pain she has caused. My H is still too self centered to see it. I still pray that my H will get it some day and apologize but I doubt that it will happen. It svcks. Just try and focus on the positives.
Lost!,
You are so Lost LOL.....Boundaries are for you my man. You but them and you enforce them. Right now you are not enforcing them.
You have to help yourself....right now I don't see you doing anything to help yourself.
As for taxes.....I am pretty positive right now you do need to file as married. So just do it.....accept that is the law of the IRS and move on.
Stop focusing on the dumb vehicle or the sex....The vehicle is a thing. Nothing more...a replaceable thing. So you need to drop it for yourself.
As for the sex....Did you get married as a virgin? Have you had other women? It is just sex. So once again....let it go.
I haven't seen a post in awhile in regards to you....That is a backslide in itself.
You gotta do the work Lost and stop focusing on her. Until you do that....Well you are wasting your time.
Hmm...
I think you are kind of obsessed with OM. He's featured in about 90% of your posts in this thread. You are turning your story into OM+W show.
If in real life, you keep spending time thinking about OM+W then you have to and I mean really have to GAL.
Lostforwards! I was patiently waiting for you to hit me hard lol. I'm doing better, just the side nonsense that sometime distract me from focusing on me. I guess I lost my mojo in all this craziness. I appreciate your honestly and keeping me in check. I've decided not to talk to her at all. What do you think about that?
You absolutely right. I got too involved in her relationship with OM and she's using that to push me around and toying with my head. I know this things, but honestly don't know why I fall into her trap when she calls. I guess she sees my weakness and taking advantage of the whole situation. No more calls.
I'm ready to finally turned the corner today. I've done everything wrong in the past couple of weeks. I allow my emotions to get the best of me. I am ready to get my life back and find happiness in the things that I can control. I'm working on a 2 month plan to work on me and focus on my daughter. I planned on going to Disney land with my daughter next month. I bet that will be fun since am a big kid myself. I'm also reconsidering traveling to Uk for a friend wedding. W and I planned on going together 4month ago, but life goes on. I'll probably take my daughter with me.
I will focus on me and stop trying to change my W and her affair. Sweet talk and making her feel guilty is clearly not working. Getting angry does nothing but stopped my progress and hard work. I'm ready now to become the man I used to be. I'm ready to do everything possible to avoid her insult and small talk about nothing. The number one thing on my agenda is going back to work. I've to appeal my case with or without her. I will made it a most to read sandi2 rule before talking to her on the phone. I'm fully committed and ready now to start this journey.
"I guess she sees my weakness and taking advantage of the whole situation."
Mindreading. You don't know why she's doing what she's doing and she probably doesn't either. Just continue to concentrate on yourself.
"I will made it a most to read sandi2 rule before talking to her on the phone."
Did you ever read DB/DR? Those are the DB rules. You've gotten to the place where you can actually let the DB rules apply. Keep your positive changes going.
Apology will take months, probably yrs. that's if you get one. No one is thinking rational in this stage. Lust and novelty are both strongly addictive. I've decided to work on me and focus on my daughter. I think you're doing a fantastic job with what I red in your post. Keep up with the good work.
I've both books mr bond. I got them two weeks ago and reading them every night.
Reading is one thing. How much have you APPLIED? Your anger stopped you from doing anything positive. Follow the steps in the book and start living again. Write down your goals to change things into a positive.
Thank you so much mr bond. Today is new day and a new beginning for me. I'll focus on me and my daughter. I'll try and follow all the steps in the book and turn my negative energy to positive.
I think I should share my last conversation with w with you guys. This was before my complete turn around this morning. We had this conversation last night. She made it very clear that she doesn't want us anymore. She said our marriage is over and she's not going back to it. She also want me not to call/text her anymore. She told me she got a new man now and will like to focus on there new relationship. She told me she will be filling for divorce when she have enough money saved. She said no going back to us with or without OM. I didn't say much throughout her entire conversation. No apology or remorse for what she did. She told me to take care of myself and she hang up. I honestly don't know what to make of this. She told me she just finished talking to OM before calling me.
"I think I should share my last conversation with w with you guys."
Why? You said you read the book right? If you did, then you would know that the majority of WAS's say this. My W told me that for 3 years before things turned around. You're still letting your thoughts of your W get to you. Concentrate on yourself. When she says stuff like that, tell her, "Fine" and then end the conversation. When she calls you back, don't answer. Just live your life.
As MrBond says...You ARE still letting the wife affect your actions. We have all heard those lines, so nothing surprising. Now if you changed your thinking....a more growth filled statement would be....This is what my wife said and I want your opinions on how to respond.
Hence, from us you would get;
In response to the wife stating things are done;
"I am sorry to hear that you feel this way. I will also respect your position that the marriage is over"
FYI- IT is over....Even if you reconcile, the marriage of old won't be there any more, nor should you want it.
As for no calling;
"I respect that you no longer wish to converse me and want calls/texts to end. I will grant your wish about not talking with you, but I do want to talk with my daughter regularly. So in the future, I will call at a prescribed time to talk with her. No need for you to answer, because I am calling to talk with (insert daughters name)and you can just give her the phone."
As you have limited means of communication with your daughter (most going right through your wife) I have a suggestion. I hope others share their thoughts on what I propose. What if you get your daughter her own phone? Set the phone up so it can only receive/call to your number.....hence the young girl can't be getting into phone troubles. You will have access to each other without going through your wife. Just a thought.
I suggested the idea of the cell phone to her couple of weeks ago but she shut it down. She told me to cancel her line from my account. She also said she will give me her new number so I can talk to my daughter. I know she's getting advice and guildiance from her family, friends and OM regarding our issues. I don't need to contact my daughter on a line she primarily got for OM. My daughter is almost at the age to have a cell phone, maybe for her nanny to use when they out or whatever. I need the line to be active to talk to my daughter.
Really great advise above from mrbond and Lostforwords and from 25 a few pages back, read those posts carefully, several times! You are far too focused on your W right now (gosh, how many times have we said that to you, is it ever going to sink in?), you're spinning. You're in the front car of the roller coaster looking terrified and holding the bar with the grip-of-death. Relax! This is a marathon.
When we say give your W time and space, we don't mean act like that's what you're doing around her and then fret about her every other second of the day. Because guess what, as confused as WAS's are they are MASTERS of reading the LBS and she will see right through your act. If you spend 99% of your posts recounting everything your W says and does, then YOU ARE NOT GROWING. You have to grow and change FIRST, only THEN will you maybe see your W thaw a little.
I suggested the idea of the cell phone to her couple of weeks ago but she shut it down.
How old is your D?
She also said she will give me her new number so I can talk to my daughter.
Problem solved!
I know she's getting advice and guildiance from her family, friends and OM regarding our issues.
And for what reason does that matter?
I don't need to contact my daughter on a line she primarily got for OM.
Don't be silly. A phone is nothing more than a communication device.
My daughter is almost 4yrs old. I made some mistake but ready to change course now. My new beginning started yesterday and definitely sticking to it. My focus now is I and my daughter. Thank you guys for your support and understanding.
Sometimes the easiest solution to a problem is circumventing the obstacle.
The goal is talking with your daughter regularly as you can't see her weekly.
The obstacle is that you have to currently call through your wife.
Circumventing talking with your wife is getting your daughter her own phone...that you pay for. It is your daughters phone, not your wife's. It is pushing it a little bit, but I think a 4 year old may be able to make sure it stays charged.
You can do the phone without your wife's permission. This is between you and your daughter. If your wife takes the phone away, doesn't allow it to be answer, etc....You make a log of when this happens with dates and times. Your wife, her family, the OM do not have the right to limit your contact with your daughter. Now you can't force them to let her answer the phone or stop them from interceding into the situation, but when they do...You make a log entry. Every time.
Take as much control of your interactions with your daughter as possible my man.
Keep your eyes on the now. Your not alone. What helps me is focusing on todays next step, the immediate next step. Not planning, but what you do for you, right now.
Thanks man. I'm doing just that. I had a great weekend. I spent some time with my brother and his wife on Saturday, took care of the bills, went to Mardi grass Saturday evening and wine tasting on Sunday. I just got home 10mins ago. I feel better and looking forward to the future. I called to speak to my daughter this morning but was not able to talk to her till 8:30pm tonight. I was not upset or made multiple calls to talk to her. I spent my time wisely taking care of me. I'm thankful to God and everybody on this forum for getting me here. I'm no longer thinking about her or what she's doing.
Bravo Lost!,
That is how to handle the situation...perfectly. You had a good weekend and got in contact with your daughter without it turning to something else.
Bravo!!!!
Thank you so much lostforwards! I'm doing great. I had a small wreck this morning with only minor injury. A older gentleman run into my car. I did not call w or give the paramedics her contact information. I figure she'll think I need attention by doing that, so instead I called my brother and gave the EMT his information. I feel great man. I'm busy enjoying my life and taking care of me. Life is to short not to do that. I finally accept that my marriage is over for now or for ever for that matter. I only have control of me and nothing more. So why complicate things when I can clearly see that I'm irrelevant to her for now. Only God knows what the future holds for me/us. Once again thanks for everything.
I'm home after couple of hrs at the hospital. A little tired and sad because I couldn't speak to my daughter on a rough day like this. I miss my family, most especially my beautiful daughter. No one should be alone on a day like this. I'm spending the rest of the evening catching up on some reading. I'm also going back to my nightly prayer. My prayer tonight goes out to everyone going through disappointment, divorce, pain and headache. I called unto heaven to give you the strength to accept your situation and be at peace with whatever the outcome, good or bad. IJN.
I need to share this with you guys. Very funny but sad at the same time. My private investigator just sent me some stuff OM wrote on his Facebook page. "where're all the hoes in DC? I've a married woman madly in love with me and treating her husband like trash all because of yours truly lol" some of the comment and respond was mind blowing! Some of his friend called him devil and home wrecker. He liked it and said "she bring the ass to me and I took it. Wow! I don't want this arrogant, immature scumbag around my daughter.
I'm sorry. That's so hurtful for you to know about. I am always saddened about all the trashy people in the world. You are a way better man, please keep your head high. You'll come out the other side of this OK. Take care
wow...that OM is just something, isn't he?
Don't give him more of your thought and energy....he's not worth it. Sooner or later W will see his true colours.
Take good care of yourself and your kid.
W just called 5mins ago so I can speak to my daughter. I kept the conversation short and pretty much about my daughter. She told me she got a phone call from the hospital regarding me be involved in a car wreck. I told her not to worry about it. She insisted on knowing exactly what happened. I told her a little bit about my accident this morning and shift the conversation to my daughter. I cut the conversation after 6mins and called it a night.
Thank you so much. I honesty don't tolerate her nonsense anymore. I've learn to accept things and work on me. It's all about me and my daughter now. She's no longer a factor. The time will come for me to have the big mic.
He's definitely one of a kind. 2 total different people. I respect women, he doesn't. No comparison. I just happened to be married to a woman that clearly need some serious help. Only God can help her at this point.
You know there are times when I have looked into the OM, and thought, "what a dirt bag, she wants to leave me for that?!?!?" This has happened a number of times as I would come across pictures of him online. I don't see what the W see's I him. BUT, when I start to think about it now, I pull back. I ask myself, "what does it matter? She is not my responsibility." As far as I am concerned, she is not with him, because thats just gross, but off. I had to erase his face from my mind. It does not matter for me who he is, because what does it change?
Now your situation is different, because of your daughter. So my wish for you, is to just be mindful of those feeling and thoughts. that they are for your daughter and not your W or you. I mean, I get you are looking out for her best interest. I know this must be incredibly hard in that spot.
Stay strong! Keep faith in your path! We are all standing together, not alone!
Thank you so much. I appreciate your advice and doing the best I can with a difficult situation at hand. How's is things at home?
Good Job Lost....Keep up the getting up my man.
Thanks man! I'm doing great and not thinking about her or the affair. Life goes on with or without her. I'm taking total control of my life and looking forward to the future. You guys are awesome! You guys made me believe again. I still have some battle ahead of me, but with God on my side anything is possible. I know with God on my side I can do anything. I'll not allow this to define me but to make me a better man.
WAS's almost always "affair down". There's been a lot of discussion about why this is, some believe it's because a lesser OP is probably thankful that they've finally found a "keeper" and therefore more likely to lavish the WAS with the care and attention they feel they've been missing in the M.
I completely agree with you. She's spending all her time with OM and leaving our daughter with babysitter multiple times a week. She claimed she's happy now and not thinking about our marriage anymore. More power to her. I wish her all the best. I'm working on me and focusing on what's broken in my life. She's no longer a factor. My time to talk to her is not now. I'm patiently waiting for the day the wax on her face is magically erased and reality set in that am long gone. I honestly don't understand why a woman will fall for a guy that called her names on social media. I guess she's getting all the fun she want with a guy that called her names on Fb. I've done my part to save her but she doesn't want to be saved. She's no longer my problem.
I completely agree with you. She's spending all her time with OM and leaving our daughter with babysitter multiple times a week.
WAS don't often put others first.
She claimed she's happy now and not thinking about our marriage anymore.
She's being honest with you.
It may or may not be the whole truth.
She's no longer a factor. My time to talk to her is not now. I'm patiently waiting for the day the wax on her face is magically erased and reality set in that am long gone. I honestly don't understand why a woman will fall for a guy that called her names on social media. I guess she's getting all the fun she want with a guy that called her names on Fb. I've done my part to save her but she doesn't want to be saved. She's no longer my problem.
Waiting for reality to set in? Are you serious?
Is there bitterness somewhere?
I'm not saying it's wrong to feel that way but acknowledging it and letting go speeds up your own personal healing.
Look, you are still very early in your sitch.
Have you even begin to look at your own problems and your part in the failure of your M?
Have you start forgiving yourself?
Let's face it, my self respect will take a huge it for while with w ongoing affair. How do a man respect himself staying with a woman who can't or won't value him?
Respect for yourself isn't reliant on someone or something. It comes from yourself. When I was going through the issue with my W, people would say the same thing since she was gone for years. It didn't bother me because I was strong enough in myself that it didn't matter. AND I didn't harbor any resentment towards her either no matter how bad things got.
You're focusing too much on your W.
I'm honestly not focusing on what she's doing anymore. I'm working on me and trying to be strong for my daughter. She's deep in this and nothing I say at this point can stop it. It's a waiting game at this point. I'm taking the time to take care of business and working on me. She already made it clear that our marriage is over and I need to move on with my life. Her family no longer talk to me or include me in there weekly group text. This is my opportunity to work on me, either for the good or bad.
None. No bitterness other than disappointment. I went through a lot and still dealing with same BS. Any man will honestly be disappointed. I'm just working on doing me and focusing all my attention on my daughter. I can only control me and not what she doing. Our relationship is different. I don't get to see her every day or every week. I see her every month and that's it. She get to see OM everyday. They work together and reside in same city. I can not compete with that. We are talking about relationship affair here now. Her family knows about OM already. I no longer have any communication with them anymore. I've my beautiful daughter. She's my joy and everything.
I understand perfectly what you are going through. I am too disappointed at my XW's choices but it is hers to make for whatever reason she deemed fit.
I don't get to see her every day or every week. I see her every month and that's it. She get to see OM everyday. They work together and reside in same city. I can not compete with that. We are talking about relationship affair here now. Her family knows about OM already. I no longer have any communication with them anymore.
Is there a reason why you can't schedule more time with your daughter?
Why do you feel the need to compete?
Still obsessing over the affair?
Is there a fear that your kids will be more attached to OM?
Do you still want to communicate with W's family? What's stopping you?
FYI, the OM in my sitch became XW's BF, now that we are divorced. Likewise, her family accepts him now.
I still visit my kids at XW's on weekdays which btw is my former home. OM/BF is staying over there now so he gets to be with my kids more than I do.
I do suspect that he tries to get my attention sometimes. I choose to ignore. He will not be a hindrance. My time with the kids is my time with the kids.
I am still 'papa' to my kids and they know it.
"How do a man respect himself staying with a woman who can't or won't value him?"
Your lesson for today Lost, Why does a man base his self-respect on the actions and thoughts of others? I just don't mean the wife, I mean all people.
Think about that one Lost....Think about it good. What I am asking is a personal life questions, not just a question in regards to your situation.
I know. I really have to think deep about that one. I just feel bad that I allow her to do so much to me. She's now changing the story and turning herself to the victim. I guess she need to justify her actions.
I live 14hrs away from my daughter, it will cost me at least $500 a week to visit her every week. I'm currently not working so doing that is taking everything I have saved up to carry me for the next couple of months. Regarding talking to her family, she already told them not to talk to me again. None of her family answer my phone calls, except for her dad who owes me money. I was there favorite son in law not until all this happened. I'm not upset because I'll do the same for my daughter. Regardless of what w did to me, that will not change the bond between them. Her sister was the one that told her to go ahead with the divorce. She told her sleeping with another man why married will look bad on her. I don't know what she's thinking or doing. I care less at this point. I'm only trying to get my life back together and take care of my daughter. I still pay $1400 in daycare every month, another $500 for food and supplies for her. I've stopped paying her bills. I spent about 2k a month taking care of my daughter. I'm
Thankful to God for giving me the means to do that. I'll not stop loving her and giving me daughter the best care I can afford.
I'm honestly not focusing on what she's doing anymore.
This ^^^ is the first line from the below post....
I'm honestly not focusing on what she's doing anymore I'm working on me and trying to be strong for my daughter. She's deep in this and nothing I say at this point can stop it. It's a waiting game at this point. I'm taking the time to take care of business and working on me. She already made it clear that our marriage is over and I need to move on with my life. Her family no longer talk to me or include me in there weekly group text. This is my opportunity to work on me, either for the good or bad.
If you aren't focusing on her, then why are HER actions changing the person that you say you want to be ?
Why are you allowing what SHE does, to affect what YOU need to do ?
And if you aren't focusing on her anymore, then why do the words "she" "her" "they" "OM" come up so much ???
These are your last 2 posts...
None. No bitterness other than disappointment. I went through a lot and still dealing with same BS. Any man will honestly be disappointed. I'm just working on doing me and focusing all my attention on my daughter. I can only control me and not what she doing. Our relationship is different. I don't get to see her every day or every week. I see her every month and that's it. She get to see OM everyday. They work together and reside in same city. I can not compete with that. We are talking about relationship affair here now. Her family knows about OM already. I no longer have any communication with them anymore. I've my beautiful daughter. She's my joy and everything.
I am confused about some of the "her" and "she" language above.
Are you speaking of your Daughter ? Or your spouse ??
I know. I really have to think deep about that one. I just feel bad that I allow her to do so much to me. She's now changing the story and turning herself to the victim. I guess she need to justify her actions
So tell me, if you aren't focusing on her anymore, why I am seeing those words so many times....???
I'm the type that will not care or give a rat ass of what people think of me. Getting married change all that. I speak highly of her and her family to my friends and family. I never once brought up her flaws or the way I was treated in the marriage. My approach with our marriage was different. I keep everything closed in because I thought she was my rock. I elevated her so much that I made a big fool of myself at the end. I'm too ashamed to tell my entire family about all this mess. Not that am afraid of being judge but hate for them to share in my disappointment. I know at the end I'll be fine. Life goes on with or without her. I'm planning now and working on the future I want for me and my daughter. I can not wait to go back to work in two month. I want the distraction over with so I can focus on work and not a lust wife. I'm doing everything in my power to get myself there.
You are evading lots of difficult questions.
Lost!, stop being defensive or making excuses and look within. You won't likely save your marriage unless you do.
I'm referring to w and not my daughter. Very difficult not to mention w and OM when I and w have a daughter together. My daughter is not old enough to pick up the phone on her own, so I've to go through w to speak to my daughter. W name will always come up with this arrangement. Regarding OM, he's not a factor, but nevertheless OM calling woman hoes and throwing jab at me because of what my w allow him to do to her doesn't sit well with me. I've a young daughter for God sake. I don't want any boy that disrespect woman around my daughter. Any decent man will not allow that.
I'm honestly doing that. I'm just a little frustrated this morning. I know I need to relax and take a deep breath now.
I'm referring to w and not my daughter. Very difficult not to mention w and OM when I and w have a daughter together. My daughter is not old enough to pick up the phone on her own, so I've to go through w to speak to my daughter. W name will always come up with this arrangement. Regarding OM, he's not a factor, but nevertheless OM calling woman hoes and throwing jab at me because of what my w allow him to do to her doesn't sit well with me. I've a young daughter for God sake. I don't want any boy that disrespect woman around my daughter. Any decent man will not allow that.
Once again...
You are allowing another person to dictate YOUR actions and words...
Nobody is doing anything TO you...
Who are you really angry at ??
Your wife and her OM for this ???
Or at yourself, for not being around more ???
Cause that one...is on you.
You can either choose to let this propel you toward making better decisions...
Or you can let it pull you under, and live in a world of anger...
You get to choose that...
Thanks for the advice. I'm doing everything possible to get myself back up. I did not think about the affair or worry about them in the past week and half. I got mad last night thinking about the crap he wrote. I need to stop now and continue to live for my daughter. I appreciate your advice.
IMHO, this whole process has phases. Ones we cant rush, but we need to be mindful of. So that when the time is right, we look at them.
Someone said to me here, picture what the best version of myself really looks like. Then start making changes to get there. I thought I knew what this meant. I pictured a couple topical changes. As time has gone on, I have kept that in mind, and realized there are others, deeper ones. I could not see them before, maybe because I was not ready to.
Some of these changes now, I see, were I believe contributing factors to where things are now. There was a shift. From this being about her and what she has done, to me, and what my part was. That was hard to see, and I think it took time. I don't think I could have seen it any sooner than I was ready to. It was more than just focusing on me, and moving on. It was about who is the perfect me. I think I had to go through it this way. Keeping busy, GAL, and through that I started to see more.
I thought she was my rock.
I have said just that, and felt it! AND there is a sense of terrible loss. But, now, I am making myself my rock. I can get through this. I can be better. Who is the perfect you? Am I the perfect me, no, was I? No. Will I ever be? I don't know. But I have an opportunity, to recreate myself, right now. Not that easy, but a focus.
I think a couple key things, that keeping in mind, has been helping me, and might help are:
Who am I? Who would I like to be? (I thought I knew, I had a plan, but I can make a better one)
W says something, and right now, they are just words. She may believe them, but leave it as that. Your focus is you.
Did you have a part in things getting here? Don't answer that, but think about it. What could that be?
IHMO, I think it is ok to post things she says and does, as long as you leave it here. Don't carry it. Because how does it benefit you to carry it?
Time, I wanted and sometimes still do want a quick fix. It is very very hard. Times, its like a weight pushing down on your shoulders. There is a whole lot of great insight here. What is interesting to me, is that I thought I knew what a lot of it meant, and over time, have seen that what I thought I understood, later, I understood differently or so another meaning of it. Like the perfect me.
Its a long road, probably the longest. At least that I have ever seen. You cant run it, I don't think there are any short cuts. But by enduring, and inner strength, and patience, we take step after step.
Not to show my geek side, or be too much of a yoda, but be mindful of your feelings. Sometimes we need to feel anger, sadness and to acknowledge what this is like. But don't linger there. When you start to feel that way, make a point to be aware of those feeling.
What can you do about any of this right this moment? What does a feeling you have do to benefit you right this moment? Who is in charge of your life? Who has the power?
For me acceptance, is a hard thing. Lot of emotions tied to all of this. The serenity prayer goes through my mind all the time these days.
Everyone here, is rooting for you! Remember to breathe it out. Sorry for the long post, kept thinking of things.
Lost
For what it is worth....the only thing that you should be focused on right now is YOUR daughter. She is 4, the more time she spends away from you, the more time she will not have with dad.
I think I know you pretty well. I think you are still as Mach mentioned focused on your W and OM. I understand it but it needs to stop. F*ck the car, f*ck the house, protect yourself as best you can and then go get YOUR daughter. Serious man, F*ck the green card, F*ck everything except how you can be a better dad.
I'm tired of reading about car, I know...it is a audi, I get it. A nice car - but F it!
Your D has spent 4 years aways from her Dad. It is about time that YOU change that. As I mentioned to you...what is your plan, how do you see this working, how do you plan to have your daughter in your life?
And yes, I know your w is moving soon.
BUT
I have to be honest.......I think you are waiting.
I think you really hope that when she moves....she will come back...
That when she moves she will change her MIND.
She may...she may not.
Who knows BUT do you really want to WAIT to see how this will impact your Daughter.
I'm starting to wonder IF, you are more concerned about your W (who by the way I know if very attractive) and less about your daughter.
FTR, I get finances, I know you are not working right now.
Me? I would drive my as* down to where ex lives, grab my daughter and say....she is gonna spend the next month with me since I am home doing nothing!
You know how to reach me
Peace,
Eric
Wow! Eric. I've to reply to this later man. You literally gave me the boost I need man. I'm driving down to DC next week. My little girl is coming home with me.
Wow! I'm truly touched man. I enjoy having conversation with wise men. Your situation is worse compare to mine but you not even showing it in your writing. I admire that about you man. You spoke to me man. I'm feeling everything. I need complete turn around now. I'm driving this boat too fast and not getting any result. I need to slow it down.
I did not think about the affair or worry about them in the past week and half.
You're in denial, it's about all you've focused on in your posts here in the past week and a half. You're trying to convince yourself that you are detached. BUT YOU ARE NOT. You are WAY too early in your sitch to be detached, you're still cycling. Acknowledge it and it'll be easier to deal with. Read The Happiness Trap, it'll help you to understand your emotions and how to deal with them. Denial is a TERRIBLE way to deal with emotions, because they just come back bigger and uglier later.
I got mad last night thinking about the crap he wrote.
That's what I mean right there, you're still cycling. Detached does NOT mean "I didn't think about W yesterday" it means "I see, talk and interact with my W but her words and actions do not affect my PMA or self-esteem anymore, and it's been this way for months."
And besides, I would be HAPPY if I read something like that from my W's OM! Why? Because this I can promise you- that relationship is not going to last much longer. He will not be able to hide his true colors from her for long.