14 months in…What now?
Keep on doing what im currently doing. Is it working on getting my W back? Who knows but if it wasn’t for these DB’ing principles I guarantee I would be much worse off than where I am now. I have grown so much over the past 14 months all for the better.
Goals achieved so far:
Took swimming lessons & learnt how to swim.
Lost 60 pounds.
No alcohol or pot.
Developed the patients of a saint.
Become a more engaging father.
Saved a 10% down payment for a home this spring.
Ran a 5K.
Call & visit my mom more.
Became a spouse only a fool would leave..
Things I need to work on.
Forgiving myself for not making these changes earlier.
Accepting my contribution in the failure of the marriage.
Let go of the deep down disappointment of her not wanting help save this marriage.
Not giving up on becoming a part time single father.
Drop another 20 pounds. (These BMI charts are ridiculous!)
Become more social.
Give back to all that helped me in my journey.
Congratulate myself for goals achieved so far.
Became easier on myself, I am my own worst enemy sometimes.
Did I mention forgiving myself…
One thing: don't go by BMI. My BMI says I'm overweight and at an increased risk of heart disease, diabetes, and cancer. I'm < 12% BF and my blood-work begs to differ.
If your doc is hung up on BMI, explain to him or her the limitations of such a study. If he or she won't listen, then find another doctor you're comfortable with or ignore their advice about weight management.
If your BF is healthy ( < 15%), your resting HR is good ( < 65), your blood pressure is at least normal ( 120/80), and your labs are all good, then you don't necessarily need to lose weight. Of course, that doesn't take into account any medical conditions I don't know about that your doctor does, so my advice is merely general with my main point being there's no point in trying to meet BMI goals if you have to sacrifice muscle to do so. That's actually an UNhealthy approach.
-PM
Thats the thing PM, health wise everything is great with my Blood pressure, cholesterol, glucose level, and I have a heart rate of a marathon runner. Just was blessed as being a short stocky muscular guy
I guess it leads to one of my other goals and not to be too hard on myself.
Great list Maritimer
I agree with PM, I go by the mirror and how I feel rather than by what the charts say. Particularly if you've built a lot of muscle mass- the typical weight charts are going to make it look like you're overweight when you may be in the shape of your life! Just for grins I just checked a BMI chart. Just after BD I was a little over 140 pounds which is listed in the middle of the "healthy" range for my height. After almost 2 years of pumping iron my waist is still the same size but I now weigh 170, so by the chart I am now in the middle of the "overweight" zone. Another year or two of progress and I will be in the "obese" category, LOL!
I forgot, Here is my link to my old thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2410790&page=1That BMI chart looked a little off for someone with my build. Your right, just be happy with myself is where I need to be right now and that has been a vast improvement considering how far I come.
Assessing my relationship with my W now.
She is not as cold towards me and talks in a normal tone of voice when exchanging the kids. I am now allowed to have 1 child per Friday night till Sat noon time. This is a huge step. Got tired of asking so I just told her this is not a bad thing to have my son overnight and did it. I alternate the kids so I can have quality one on one time with each of them equally.
As of December she is now dropping the kids off at my place Sunday & Wednesday evenings, and then I drop them back at her place. It feels good to hang out with them at my own place. I had both of them overnight on Xmas night so Boxing Day was our Xmas, It was so fun! Had some friends & family over and had such a blessed feeling that as lonely I think my life is, I will never be alone. It was a wonderful feeling.
It feels like we are drifting more apart, this is what she wanted so I granted it to her. I last talked on the phone with her in July; last email was for Halloween as she sent me a picture of the boys in their costumes. Other than that it has just been texts about when she will arrive to drop off the boys.
She is friendlier towards me but no other indications that she wants to reconcile. Is this helping or making things worse?
Just wanted to touch base in regards to my thread. Nothing really new regarding the W having any indication of wanting to reconcile.
She did invite me and my mother over for our S2 birthday which I thought was nice of her. Our communication is minimal and its all about Bills & Boys. Always second guessing if what Im doing would help her wanting me to be back in the family.
Continuing to become the best person I can be, and I actually believe that im pretty awesome. Just wondering how long I am willing to wait to find out if she wants to get back with me. It would be nice to feel wanted by someone.
Spending as much time as I can with my boys and they love seeing me. I had a big fear that they would forget about me by not being present every day.
95% sure I bought a house 2km from hers. Im so excited as it will be easier for us to exchange the kids without an hour drive. Once im settled in there I can drop them off at daycare and pick them up. Eventually have more over nights with them, including weekdays. They will have their own bedrooms and a big back yard to play in! Cant wait as the closing date is April 2. I never told her yet. Should I? Why am fearful of her reaction? This would be a good thing for all of us.
Keeping on moving forward with a positive attitude and it will all work out!
WELL DONE SIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We are on almost the exact same timeline. I hope that folks are telling you that youve been doing a really great job - because you have!
You have taken huge steps in every direction that you have control over. The 10% save is HUGE! Why would you tell your X about the house? Has she asked you "are you buying a house?" If not, its none of her business - until its time to renegotiate parent time
I still have flashbacks about stupid/embarrassing things from the past.......I yell "get out of my head" and turn the mental page in my head. SERIOUSLY, when this happens start doing math problems in your head- It changes your brain from emotional to logical.....it works.
You sound as emotionally needy as me right now. Time to add some new activity to your plate. You can wait until after you move but you need to get involved in something social.
We are moving forward despite winter blues .
I know when your X is coming back- Whenever SHE decides to get her head out of her arse.......and if you do ANYTHING to try to expedite that process it will just be pushed back further.
You (and your awesomeness) are all we care about
Great to hear from you PS! Thanks for the encouragement, as they say “Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different...” It’s so true, look at where we were a year ago.
Guess I will let her know when she has to pick the kids up at my new home. Good advice on starting a new activity, I need to become more social. It could be the aloneness im experiencing that I feel the need to be with someone, my therapist said its human nature to feel that way.
You reeled me back from doing something silly. I was thinking of temperature checking because it has been over a year that we had any relationship talk, it never went well then, she made her intentions clear.
Do the 37 rules get modified as time passes?
You reeled me back from doing something silly. I was thinking of temperature checking because it has been over a year that we had any relationship talk, it never went well then, she made her intentions clear.
Regarding my own sitch, from the outside looking in it appears we are working on a R. However, I have learned - the hard way, and multiple times - that actually TALKING about a R spooks her and she pushes away hard. So I just roll with what's going on. After all, I don't *need* to hear what we are doing. It would be nice, but I don't *need* it.
Do the 37 rules get modified as time passes?
I don't think so, but ultimately the most important thing to remember is to do what works.
Also, if they dynamic of your relationship changes from trying to bust the divorce to accepting that the MR is over and you will be co-parents for the rest of your lives, then a lot of those rules no longer apply (the first 11, for example), but others are for your own health and will always apply (12, 13, 14, 21, 27, 36, 37).
-PM
I often wonder if its more difficult when you are going back and forth trying to reconcile as your going through PM, Or her not showing any signs of wanting to get back together. Ether way its a tough road.
No matter how hard I DB it still looks like she don't want us to get back together. When we swap the kids there is just no connection anymore, very business like.
Thats where im wondering if anything I am doing is working to get us back together, sure the DB principals helped me become a better person greatly! She is nicer to me but no laughing, joking, or casual conversations. Just get the boys and leave type of deal.
Wondering what else I can do differently...
You job right now is to continue becoming the strongest individual you can possibly become. The best man you can be. At this point, like me, all you can do is work on co-parenting. To do it right and minimally child impacting- its real hard.
Who were you when you met her at 27? Outgoing, strong, confident? Thats the person she was attracted too....Where is THAT Maritimer?
(FYI- I asked myself that same question and I might as well hit a giant Midlife crisis button)
She isnt laughing, joking or casually conversing right now because she is hyper- vigilant in making sure she doesnt give you any mixed signals.
stop TRYING to get her back - live YOUR life......its the only shot of her waking up.
It is a business right now.
Im doing what I can to become strong again PS, This whole situation has been such a blow to my self esteem its hard to find that confident guy I was 11 years ago.
I do need to totally let go. Friends, family and my therapist are all against me wanting to reconcile. All I want is whats best for the kids and firmly believe that would be in a 2 parent household. That is beyond my control.
Its hard to have hope and let go at the same time. I cannot do both. My next step for me to move forward, I need to let go of any hope we have on reconciling. The only thing I can control is myself and be the best Dad I can for my boys.
Thanks for the support Postivespin, I really needed that today!
I do need to totally let go. Friends, family and my therapist are all against me wanting to reconcile. All I want is whats best for the kids and firmly believe that would be in a 2 parent household. That is beyond my control.
If my therapist tells me to go against my choice, I will CHOOSE another one...if my family told me to forget about reconciliation I will stop talking to them about it... Simple as that... You dont have to convince other of your choices only yourself... When you try to convince others of your choices you are in reality doubting of your choices.... Nobody can choose for you...just you
My therapist supports me in every action I take thats why I keep working with her, she doesnt judge me...she listens to me and ask me questions....
My sister believes my W its inmature and she deserves the unhapiness she is experiencing now and she advices me to fill For D as soon as possible...thats not my choice so I stopped talking to my sister about my Sitch....
I believe in my choice and as once MrBond told me:: you dont find hope...you made it yourself....moving on and remarry will be easier but is it my choice? Nop so I have to believe in my choice and works towards it not against it...
If my therapist told me to go against my choice I will choose another one...( I mean I will choose another therapist)
I guess that is were patience comes into play. Not sure how much longer I am willing to wait for her to come around.. if she ever does! Its human nature to want to be around somebody who loves you and share your life with. I really miss that part of being in a relationship.
My therapist told me I have all the tools I need to move on from the hurt I encountered with this separation. My sessions end next week so that would be it with therapy.
Did you get the house???????
If thats not a HUGE step forward then nothing is! You need to celebrate that action- Thats a statement!
You go at your own pace. Ive told my mother (Exact words)" Do not do ANYTHING to sabotage my chances at R. I understand the feeling that you want to confront her but I swear to god that if I R and you ever do anything to make her uncomfortable you will not see my family or I again"
As michelle says in the book- Your family, friends and paid support team will all want you to "move on" because they dont want to see you in pain. There comes a point thou that after you CLEARLY state your desire to R that if they continue to push in a different direction - you need to distance.
Only YOU know what YOU want. You are 10000000% accurate that children are so much better off when there parents are in a loving married relationship. Your wife isnt there yet and you cant influence her.
How do we work on the self confidence?????? That aspect needs to be completely divorced from your wife (pun intended). I know I just read a list of achievements on a guy named Maritimers thread that looked pretty god damn impressive.
If your current definition of "success" is "Getting my family back" you need to change that first. NOT because it will/wont happen, but simply because its W decision....and you have 0 control.
Adopt a newby........youve come a long way sir and your on a very solid path :)Its time to help a bomb battered male soul survive hell............hopefully as well as you have after ONLY 14 months
Hey PS, Things are crazy busy trying to get the house in order, Lawyers, transferring utilities all for the April 2 move in date.
So yes, I got the house! A bit nervous and excited the same time. This will be better as I am 2.5km from the ex's place so exchanging of the kids will be less time consuming than the 30 minute commute each way that I do now. There is a big back yard to play in and they get there own rooms.
My idea of success is to heal from this pain. The pain of losing so much, from my time away from my children and losing the woman I expected to spend the rest of my life with. Still having trouble detaching.. She is just so darn attractive, After all the pain she put me through I would go back to her in a flash if she wanted me to. It would be whats best for our family. Seeing my boys cry every time I leave hurts me so much. Dont look like it effects her at all, No one wants to see there children in pain.
I need to reevaluate my definition of success. Me moving closer to the kids and spending more time with them is the first step.
DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am standing up applauding you
This is HUGE - For you and your boys
AWESOME MOVE ROCK STAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Moving sure is a fuggin bizitch :))
This is huge PS, I appreciate the support!
While im busy with realtors and banking stuff I got the inevitable letter from W and her L to legalize the separation..
Her terms are kind of ridiculous. Basically she wants primary custody, child support, and me to be a weekend Dad.. if I choose to. And am allowed visit during the week. All this to be reviewed in 10 YEARS!
Im quite stressed out about this because I know it will be a challenge to change her mind regarding the parenting plan document she sent. I will take a few days to make the suggested changes that I would like to see in this plan.
1 ) More time with the kids. My first step was buying a house in the same community. I can drop them off at daycare in the morning and pick them up at suppertime, just like she is doing now.
2 ) 50/50 custody. It is what’s fair for the kids… and us adults. They love us both, seeing them cry every time after I visit is just too much. I want to tuck them in at night, read books with them, be more involved in the day to day activities of the boys. Thinking since there so young we can take 2-3 day shifts, it would be ideal so we can really focus on being a fully engaged parent then have a break to recharge.
Does any of this sound unreasonable to you folks on this forum? Any suggestions on how I should approach this challenge respectfully, while still following the DB principles?
M, my opinion is you need to drop DB'ing when it comes to divorce negotiations. Fight for your rights. Forget about validation during negotiations, there are plenty of other things you can validate her on. Stand your ground. If you don't have an L then get one and if your W refuses to negotiate then turn it over to the L's.
This was really inspirational. Thanks for posting it.
Are you in yet?????
I fell like Ive got the best of a sucky situation. I have D4 Sat afternoon - wed am (drop off at daycare)
X has D4 wed pm (p/u at daycare) through Sat afternoon
What I like about this setup is that we both share time, I have Thur and Fri nights "off" and there is only one Mommy to Daddy handoff (Sat afternoon)
10 year review is BS
I'm going through all of this right now and H wants 50/50. No way if I can help it. To hard on the kids to switch houses every few days. They feel like they have no settled home. At least this is what a number of psychologists etc. have told me. Currently we are doing what is called "nesting" and we are moving in and out of the primary residence. Not fun but easier on the kids than moving every few days. Have you looked at all of the options offered. They all pretty much suck. I truly think it's hard on the kids to be forced to pack up all the time. No one ever gets settled. It [censored] for you that your the dad and you are the one that's the good guy. Good luck!!
I'm going through all of this right now and H wants 50/50. No way if I can help it. To hard on the kids to switch houses every few days. They feel like they have no settled home. At least this is what a number of psychologists etc. have told me. Currently we are doing what is called "nesting" and we are moving in and out of the primary residence. Not fun but easier on the kids than moving every few days. Have you looked at all of the options offered. They all pretty much suck. I truly think it's hard on the kids to be forced to pack up all the time. No one ever gets settled. It [censored] for you that your the dad and you are the one that's the good guy. Good luck!!
My brother and his ex do a 2-3-2 split and that is just nuts in my opinion. The kids practically live out of suitcases. My brother has to have the kids constantly remind him of when they're supposed to do the exchange. There's also a lot of confusion over homework and projects- which parent is responsible. My ex and I chose to do 1 week rotations (50-50 custody), we switch off every Sunday. Granted the kids would rather live in one home with happily married parents, but this has been a good compromise. The schedule is clearcut and there's no interruptions during the school week. No confusion over homework either.
This was really inspirational. Thanks for posting it.
Thanks for the kind words!
Are you in yet?????
I fell like Ive got the best of a sucky situation. I have D4 Sat afternoon - wed am (drop off at daycare)
X has D4 wed pm (p/u at daycare) through Sat afternoon
What I like about this setup is that we both share time, I have Thur and Fri nights "off" and there is only one Mommy to Daddy handoff (Sat afternoon)
10 year review is BS
Got the keys last night! Will be moving in on Saturday.I hope my negotiations will work out as well as yours.
My brother and his ex do a 2-3-2 split and that is just nuts in my opinion. The kids practically live out of suitcases. My brother has to have the kids constantly remind him of when they're supposed to do the exchange. There's also a lot of confusion over homework and projects- which parent is responsible. My ex and I chose to do 1 week rotations (50-50 custody), we switch off every Sunday. Granted the kids would rather live in one home with happily married parents, but this has been a good compromise. The schedule is clearcut and there's no interruptions during the school week. No confusion over homework either.
IMO the best possible option for a broken family is to do 50/50 with the kids changing homes every week. One week with one parent and then the next week with the other parent. This obviously requires that both parents live in the same area so that schools, after school activities, friends, etc all stay the same. I know of a lot of families that have this arrangement and it's the best option given the alternatives (other than both parents living under one roof as a happy family).
It blows me away that the WAS is often so concerned about 50/50 and what that will do to the kids. If they were truly concerned with the kids then they would STAY IN THE MARRIAGE. As MWD says, all but the most severe problems in a marriage can be solved and the kids deserve that. D is hardest on the kids. No matter the arrangement it's going to be hard on them but 50/50 is the only real option.
I'm going through all of this right now and H wants 50/50. No way if I can help it. To hard on the kids to switch houses every few days. They feel like they have no settled home. At least this is what a number of psychologists etc. have told me. Currently we are doing what is called "nesting" and we are moving in and out of the primary residence. Not fun but easier on the kids than moving every few days. Have you looked at all of the options offered. They all pretty much suck. I truly think it's hard on the kids to be forced to pack up all the time. No one ever gets settled. It [censored] for you that your the dad and you are the one that's the good guy. Good luck!!
I hear what your saying but the wouldn't the kids benefit from seeing both parents equally? My home is 2 km from her current place so same daycare, same school.
Personally I think it hard on the kids when one parent chose to leave breaking up a family, taking away there privilege of having a wonderful father in there lives on a frequent basis.
Never noticed any stress when they are at my place, its only hard when they leave & I return them to her place. They are both crying hanging on to my leg not wanting me to leave them.. to me that is harder on them than having 2 loving homes they can enjoy equally.
These situations are hard on everyone, We all suffer.
The hanging on to my leg breaks my heart.....Ill be honest it took a few weeks before I stopped crying everytime D4 did that.
The killer for me was trying to "sell" her time with Mommy when D4 would cry at the thought of having to be with her and Mommy was out and about enjoying her new life.
I need to continue selling Mommy until D4 is D18.
Its tough, no parent wants to see there kids cry like that. Still cant believe this is my new reality.
I am filled with some new anxiety regarding this custody/parenting plan that's in the works. Not sure why im so scared. Must be the fear of the unknown. If she is going to be uncooperative it will be in the laws hands. All I want is to see my boys as much as I can and did everything in my power to make that happen. I need to believe that it will all work out.
She drop over to get the kids and wow, she looks great. Why did I have to marry such a beautiful woman... Detach detach!
Im mostly settled into my new house & love it, Plenty of projects to keep me busy. Finally got the internet!
The boys are so proud of their rooms, they are loving all the space to play. Its so much easier for transferring the kids, 3 min drive to her place and 5 minutes to day care. W even seem happier about it too.
Im still working on my version of the parenting plan. Before I do I am thinking about writing her a letter and asking if this is what she really wants and to let her know that I would like to start a new relationship with her. Given that this is not the ideal scenario to raise a very young family in.
Given all changes over the last 16 months we should try and give it another go. Im fully prepared to get a negative response but than at least I would know for sure.
If the kids ever ask "Daddy did you try to make it work with Mommy" I can say yes. Not to shame her but to show that I never gave up on trying to save this family.
I really feel that I have become awesome again, full of confidence, sober, full of energy and will make a wonderful partner for her.
Am I making a mistake with this approach?
Any advise with this step?
Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here. Does your wife feel the same way? Any sign of her coming back slowly? What's your fear?
Any advise with this step?
I believe we are here to grow, to expand—to learn and experience and understand. Growth and discovery are the purpose of life.
I also believe we tend to get in our own way.
Our experiences, our cultures, and even our families can create fears and limitations that can hold us back, or hold us down. They don’t do this intentionally. It’s just that we’re all doing the best we can in this beautiful, messy, complicated world.
There are so many circumstances or experiences that can get in the way of our growth and stifle our creativity and our lives.
I’ve discovered in the last 5month of my marriage issue that there are three mistakes we often make in our endeavors to grow, create, or experience something new:
Mistake #1: Not Taking Your Instincts Seriously
Have you ever said “I’m fine” when inside you were hurt or afraid? Or said “It’s not a big deal” when, in fact, it was consuming your every waking thought (and likely your dreams)?
It matters because those things are signs that you are not on the right track, signs that something is out there calling your name, signs that you’re ready to discover and devour it.
And those signs should always be taken seriously. Listen to where your inner voice. It’s there for a reason
Wow Lost, what you wrote sent chills down my spine.
The growth I have experienced since the BD has been huge. It has been a extremely painful yet rewarding journey.
Looking back I did have them feelings that I was not happy in my marriage, and really it was me not being happy with myself that poisoned our marriage. Told myself that it will be fine while using pot and alcohol as a coping mechanism. I had a gut feeling that how I was behaving wasn't healthy for our relationship and did nothing to change it until it all came crumbling down.
We have been interacting nicely toward each other lately and seen a look in her eyes I haven't seen in a while.
My fear is being alone and part time single father 2 young boys.
I fear this new reality is not the ideal scenario to raise my beautiful children in.
I got a feeling that this is the right time for me to express my ideas on moving forward, with or without her. I need to do this for me.
Growth requires space—actual physical space, as well as space in your schedule.
I tend to see two reasons people don’t create this space:
They think it’s selfish. They have kids, work, afraid w will finally settled with OM or replace them, chores, and obligations. It would be selfish to put those off just for themselves.
Or they don’t think it’s possible. They have kids, work, chores, and obligations. Who has time or energy to undertake anything else?
While both of those are really symptoms of not taking it seriously, there is more to it.
If you think it’s selfish to create time for you—to chase a dream, to process an emotion, to rest and reconnect—you’re not seeing one very important fact:
You can’t give to others what you don’t have, and you don’t have what you don’t take the time to give to yourself.
Growth requires self-compassion, patience, and generosity. If you ignore it, it will nag you, deplete you, and bury you in stress.
But when you give yourself the things you need, you soon begin to overflow those same things—the compassion, patience, love and generosity – back into your world.
When your soul is filled up to overflowing, the feeling of impossibility takes care of itself.
Make the things that matter—such as self-care, compassion, your kids and authenticity—priorities, and you’ll find you have the time and energy to create the life you visualize. With or without your wife. You can do it man!
"We have been interacting nicely toward each other lately and seen a look in her eyes I haven't seen in a while.
My fear is being alone and part time single father 2 young boys.
I fear this new reality is not the ideal scenario to raise my beautiful children in.
I got a feeling that this is the right time for me to express my ideas on moving forward, with or without her. I need to do this for me. [/quote]
It’s not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It’s because we dare not venture that they are difficult. It's okay to try but you and your kids should come first before anyone.
That was definitely a factor in the breakdown in our marriage. Between work, becoming new parents we had no time to fulfill our personal needs. Including our relationship, like a living organism it wasn’t nurtured so it withered and died.
I had lots of time to work on improving myself, which I am so proud of what I accomplished over this time apart. I am now confident enough to help guide my children and wife if she chooses, to be a fun successful happy family.
I made positive healthy choices for the future of me & my children and if she wants to join us along the way, great. If not I know it will all work out for the best.
I believe I identified a reason why I want to send her a letter. Fear.
Im not sure how she is going to react with my request to ask for more time with my children. We seem to be getting along well now so I fear this will "rock the boat".
Its not a bad thing what I am doing, Maybe she is open to this idea?
Would me sending her a note asking if this separation is still what she wants a huge backslide?
Ultimately I would love to have my family reunited but I am fully prepared for the challenges of part time single parenting.
Should I send the letter first, then the parenting plan?
What do you folks think?
Here is the letter im thinking about sending.
"Hey W, before I revise the parenting plan you presented I just wanted to make sure that this is what you really want for our family.
I understand why you did what you had to in Dec of 2012 and I want to thank you for that. It took a lot of courage and strength to make that choice. I did a lot of self-reflection and decided I needed a change for the better. As a result I became my confident, awesome self again! I developed the patients of a saint, became a better son, bother and mostly a wonderful father to our precious boys. I made some healthy choices over the last 17 months and now I look & I feel the best I have in years! These changes are something I am so proud of and will be continuing to do for the rest of my days.
I don’t want to revisit our old marriage. It is dead & gone. What I would like is for us to slowly with professional help, start a new healthy relationship together. I know we can both do this if we are willing to try. We fell in love with each other before and know it can happen again.
We have 2 beautiful children that love us both so much. It is painful to watch them cry when one of us departs for any period of time. Just imagine how happy they would be with both of us together as a nurturing fun loving family.
You’re an incredible mother + Im an awesome dad = a family with wickedly fun happy kids!
Im in no rush for a response, Think about it and let me know how you feel about this."
Any opinions would be greatly appreciated!
Looking for some advise from my fellow DB'ers.
Do not send that letter- but you already know that- its why your posting it
Your "fear" is getting the best of you. If/when she is ready she will approach you.
You dont need to serve up the guilt. I told my X to her face,in front of the mediator, that when its really over, send me the papers and ill sign- Im not filing.
We went through mediation and still NO PAPERS. Ill just keep rebuilding my life and embarrassing myself with members of the opposite sex:)
Your wife walked away, your wife filed......let her do what SHE needs to do.
Youve survived a bomb and have successfully bought a house. Are you feeling directionless right now?
Get your head out of the funk you are temporarily in.
Havent you already begged and pleaded enough????
Did you read GoGo's thread and is that what made you think of writing a letter?
The reason I want to send it because I truly believe I became a spouse only a fool would leave and later she might miss out on saving this family.
If ever the boys ask” what did you do to try to get back with Mommy?” I can tell them I did everything I could to try and reconcile. Feels like I’m sitting idle not trying to save my family.
I feel that while I’m becoming better, we are drifting farther apart. Very few text, no email, no phone calls, no stories about the kids when I’m not around.
I’m thinking what I am proposing in my parenting plan will make her angry and drive her further away. Don’t know why I’m so fearful, Really… how much further can she go from me. I need to look out for me and my boys.
I only begged and pleaded for the first 2 months, I’m thinking 14 months later her opinion towards me might have changed.
No one wants me to get back with her except myself. It could be a sign. Thankfully I have IC tonight to get me back on track.
Thank you for replying PS, Feeling lonely lately.
Hoping to get a second opinion with regards a parenting plan I am sending by email to slowly integrate the boys to our proposed schedule.
"Thank you for starting the parenting plan. After consulting with a few experts, I made some revisions and believe this parenting plan will be what is best for the boys, you and me. We should try and slowly integrate the kids into what the future parenting schedule would be like.
Starting next Wed May 14, I would like to have both of the boys overnight. I can drop them off at daycare Thursday morning then you can pick them up after work. I am flexible with this, so if you wanted to see them before you go to work I can drop them off at your place so you can see them each morning. The following Sundays and Wednesdays we will try the same schedule for the rest of May. Friday/Saturday alternating boys schedules will continue until the proposed June plan is implemented.
That plan consists of a 2-2 3 schedule. With this custody schedule, the children reside with Parent A for two days, Parent B for two days, and then spend a long three-day weekend with Parent A. The next week, the routine flips and the children reside with Parent B for two days, then Parent A for two days, before spending a long three-day weekend with Parent B. The advantage of this plan is that the parents get to alternate weekends, but the child is still spending 50% of the time with each parent.
I have enclosed the May and June calendar. We can display them on the fridge so we can show the boys what days they have to look forward to seeing each of their loving parents.
Let’s lead by example and show the boys how happy and awesome we all can be in this new family dynamic!
I understand this will be a big change for all of us so, think about it and look forward towards your cooperation.
What do you follow DB'ers think?
Please help.
I am wondering if this is the best approach to have more access with my children?
Bump- Folks, take a look at the above parenting plan and give your thoughts
Thanks for the bump PS., Not sure why my thread is not getting any responses?
I did send the proposed parenting plan and as expected she did not like it. When I asked last night to pack some extra cloths for the boys my planned night got quickly shut down. She don't want to upset their weekly routine. That routine will have to change eventually, that's why I wanted to slowly start with 1 or 2 nights a week.
They love me and my place. They are comfortable here. The boys don't want to leave when she comes to pick them up. I am fully capable of reading them bedtime stories, lying with them until they sleep and dropping them off at daycare in the morning.
I fear I will have to pursue the legal route to make this happen.
Anyone here have similar experiences with this?
If so, how did it get resolved?
In THIS situation do not fear legal remedy. It [censored] but if she is unwilling to share your childrens time and come up with a fair and MATURE co-parenting plan then use legal means for your protection!!!!!
This board is full of threads of Dads wishing they had a chance of a re-do of the custody plan.
Lawyers s_ck ......unreasonable former spouses s_ck far worse!
That will have to be my next step. For now I am waiting for her to send me her revised plan. Although there will not be much flexibility from the one I sent that is reasonable and fair.
Not going to back down from me getting equal access for my children. I accept her leaving the marriage but I will not back down from my joint parental responsibilities.
Any advise would be appreciated!
Just heard back from from W and shouldn't be surprised that she reject my proposal. She wants full custody and that I should contact a Lawyer.
I am so scared right now. Im a great Dad and I dont understand why she dont think so.
Can anyone give me some helpful tips, advise or happy endings in regards to this struggle. It almost feels like getting the BD again!
Please Please help!
So I contacted her L and asked why she don't agree with me having more time with the boys. I was shocked to hear that she thinks im an unfit parent and I don't have enough experience to properly parent them!
Im so disappointing that she thinks this about me. Every time I asked to have them overnights I was shut down and now she is trying to use I dont see them enough as a reason against me. L also said there were some allegations of abuse. Wow, not sure where that came from as Im the nicest guy you would ever meet.
Im concerned about her mental health if this is how she is viewing the past. Even her L suggested we go to Family Therapy to find ways to communicate before we go to court. When I suggested we go to family counseling she says talk to my Lawyer.
What do I do now?
Your legal response should be to ask for counseling if you haven't already. In most states, not sure which you live in, will ask that you do have counseling if one person has a good reason. Sorry, but here's my love tough response. You sent the letter, which was to "convince" her how great you are and became in the last year and a half. She doesn't care or maybe your changes are too late for where she's at. This is the way it is with a lot of WAWs. Right now you need to be patient, instead of leaping with letters and calling her lawyer. Remember: Don't believe anything said (including what she told lawyer) and only half of what you see. You're wanting answers and all of us do. As Lost pointed out. We neglect to be real and follow our true self. I was a WAW after my xH was unfaithful 2x. Perhaps if he wouldn't have lept to all of his own conclusions, been patient, focused on kids, didn't harrass me thru legal system, etc., I might have saw the light sooner. You need to listen to advice you're asking for DBing. When you don't hear from somebody in a day or two, you do and do and then turn around and ask, "What should I do now?" Will you listen and actually try to GAL or do a 180? Something different than what you're doing, which is the same thing that's not working?
Thank you for showing interest in my thread owl777! Great reminder to not believe anything she says. It hurts and its not true.
I did ask that we should go to family counseling and she is refusing. She wants me to sign off for her to have full custody of the children for the next 10 years. I want shared custody but she is not willing to compromise or even talk about it. I do not want to go the legal route but seems to be my only option to get to see my kids more. We need to find healthy ways to communicate effectively. She still has anger in her tone when talking to me.
Yes, I am trying to convince her that I am a good parent because she dont want me to have the kids more because im "unfit". Im being as patient as I can but I miss my children dearly. They grow up so quick..
I have many GAL activities and am confident in who I've become. All I want is to see my children more. DB'ing is hard when Lawyers get involved.
Here is an update for those still wondering whats going on in my world.
I feel that DB'ing has helped me immensely. Unfortunately it created a greater distance between my spouse & I .
She is determend to push me away as an active co-parent. We are going through the expensive, bias, legal system for me to get greater access to see my children more. Hard to believe that the woman who hates my guts gets to dictate when I see my children. She has made up unbelievable negative stories about me, that even the lawyers are questioning her creditability. My only avenue is to go to court with could cost up to 50k!
I thought the BD was the worst news one could get, not so. I can heal from losing a woman. Seeing my children suffer by not being with their father is the worst pain one could feel. They never asked for this, She chose to leave me, the children had no choice and are hurting be her choices.
I have rebuilt my life to revolve around my children and I will continue to challenge the system until I am financially drained. I have a moral obligation to influence their character development for my boys current & future happiness.
Wish me luck!
It has been over 2 years now since my separation. Not sure if it’s the holidays or a reminder of how challenging my December was two years ago but it is still hard not to think about how good our family could have been. I shall not dwell in fiction :-)
My currently reality is that overall I am doing well. My main struggle is agreeing on a parental plan that allows me have more time with my children. She refuses to discuss anything in regards with me having more time with my boys.. Going to court is my only option. Both lawyers agree she is being unreasonable! Never thought I would hear that one.
Achieved another goal and completed a 5k run! Sure I was 427th out of 1200 but I did it! First medal I received since high school. Lol. Keeping busy with home improvements and repairs… discovered every project takes twice as long as projected and double the cost!
Keep working on yourselves and best wishes with this holiday season!
2 years is a long haul. Thanks for checking in and staying true to your M!
Did you ask an attorney for legal advice? Please be careful and make sure you have the facts. It may not be the best idea fir you to contact her L directly unless you and W have some agreement. My L made it clear that we could both use him, but it was ME that he was obligated to work for. W had to get own legal advice. Good luck
2 years is a long haul. Thanks for checking in and staying true to your M!
Thanks Little! Its a tough road and gets easier in time :-)
Yes Paul, we have 2 different lawyers & tried to have several meetings but she is simply not cooperating.
My lawyer wants to proceed with a parental alienation case, which is a form of child abuse... I don't want to go there but I need to do what is best for my children...
She has taken advantage of my kindness and my kids are suffering because of it.