wife hardens heart-7 - 01/22/14 01:12 AM
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 01/22/14 01:19 AM
Originally Posted By: labug
Kids draw things they're feeling. Maybe tears is the only way she knew to represent sadness.
Many times our children know our feelings before we do. Kids have to pick up on things because adults don't often share their feelings with kids.
Many times our children know our feelings before we do. Kids have to pick up on things because adults don't often share their feelings with kids.
Thanks labug. I understand.
Maybe I should encourage D5 to draw more in order to understand her true feelings since she seem so reluctant to talk about it.
BTW, I have quit asking her 'pressuring' questions.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 01/22/14 01:21 AM
I'm pretty sure that you were showing them how sad you were. You did it on here quite a bit and kids are very observant.
What has been going on so far?
What has been going on so far?
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 01/22/14 02:41 PM
Nothing much. Just being there and spending time with the kids.
XW is cold as ever. I texted her in the morning regarding D4's teacher calling me about something D4 was suppose to return. No reply received and nothing was done too. I asked xMIL about it later in the evening. Apparently she didn't know. Well, I sorted it out with the domestic help. Reminded D4 a number of times to take it to school next morning.
Anyway, got a clearer picture tonight. D5 said that picture of papa crying is because he's losing his children. She explained further. There's just papa and D4 without D5. So she spelt it out quite clearly.
We put that aside and continued playing.
XW is cold as ever. I texted her in the morning regarding D4's teacher calling me about something D4 was suppose to return. No reply received and nothing was done too. I asked xMIL about it later in the evening. Apparently she didn't know. Well, I sorted it out with the domestic help. Reminded D4 a number of times to take it to school next morning.
Anyway, got a clearer picture tonight. D5 said that picture of papa crying is because he's losing his children. She explained further. There's just papa and D4 without D5. So she spelt it out quite clearly.
We put that aside and continued playing.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 01/24/14 11:14 AM
xMIL have been putting on a sour face every time I go over to XW's for the past 2 weeks. Don't really know if it's got to do with me.
She doesn't say anything but her expression says a whole lot more. She's the kind where you could read something is wrong with her overt pouting.
I just hope there's not to be another drama of week that involves me.
Right now, I have been spending a little over an hour with the kids 3-4 weekdays. I ask for 1 weekend with the kids.
She doesn't say anything but her expression says a whole lot more. She's the kind where you could read something is wrong with her overt pouting.
I just hope there's not to be another drama of week that involves me.
Right now, I have been spending a little over an hour with the kids 3-4 weekdays. I ask for 1 weekend with the kids.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 01/24/14 05:48 PM
"xMIL have been putting on a sour face every time I go over to XW's for the past 2 weeks. Don't really know if it's got to do with me."
The next time you see her, try something different. Go out to her with a warm smile and give her a hug and offer her tea. Be an OUTSTANDING son in law. Try that a few times. She may start to warm up. Try something different.
The next time you see her, try something different. Go out to her with a warm smile and give her a hug and offer her tea. Be an OUTSTANDING son in law. Try that a few times. She may start to warm up. Try something different.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 01/26/14 09:55 PM
Planet, how are things with you?
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 01/27/14 02:29 AM
Originally Posted By: MrBond
The next time you see her, try something different. Go out to her with a warm smile and give her a hug and offer her tea. Be an OUTSTANDING son in law. Try that a few times. She may start to warm up. Try something different.
I understand.
I have always been courteous to her, more so after BD.
Strange thing happened though. Last week, I overheard XW offering to drive xMIL home. OM will do the driving of course. xMIL refused, insisting xSIL will come over to fetch her but xSIL could not make it. xMIL went one to call xFIL to come over. Now, xFIL is the last person she would call and may risk him getting upset and all. I don't know why she refuse the offer from XW and XW chiding her for it.
It's not like OM and XW never came and pick her up from her place before. It may be something or it may not, whatever the reason, I'm staying out of the family drama since I have zero information on what's going on over there.
Anyway, she does speaks to me mainly about the kids. I just don't know why she seems upset lately.
Originally Posted By: Missmygirl
Planet, how are things with you?
I'm doing ok.
Chinese New Year is approaching. Reunion Dinner on the eve is going to be very different this year. No W. No kids. Bro will be away too. Sigh!
Got a gift hamper for XW and her family for the new year though.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 01/27/14 07:22 AM
I was just in Shenzhen this week and saw them beginning to decorate for the new year. I always like seeing all of the orange trees. What is a gift hamper? Sorry you won't have much family to celebrate with this year.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 01/27/14 07:52 AM
Ah, Shenzen! I have been there. Plenty of electronic goods to be sourced. Blows your mind on how things can be so cheap!
Do you know the overseas Chinese are more 'Chinese' than the Chinese themselves? We have kept many of the traditions alive but now things have started to change in China. Glad to see that.
It's great being able to talk about the other stuff.
A hamper consists of a basket filled usually with food items and beverages wrapped in a transparent plastic paper.
Well, I do have my parents,sis and her bf with me. All is not lost.
Life gives you lemons, make lemonade!
I do love this quote. A special wink to labug!
Do you know the overseas Chinese are more 'Chinese' than the Chinese themselves? We have kept many of the traditions alive but now things have started to change in China. Glad to see that.
It's great being able to talk about the other stuff.
A hamper consists of a basket filled usually with food items and beverages wrapped in a transparent plastic paper.
Well, I do have my parents,sis and her bf with me. All is not lost.
Life gives you lemons, make lemonade!
I do love this quote. A special wink to labug!
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 01/27/14 12:52 PM
to you too, Planet. You sound good.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 01/29/14 02:11 PM
Well, no thank you nor a hamper for CNY from XW.
Hmm...didn't expect either one anyway.
Interestingly, I'm not avoiding XW but she's avoiding me now.
The kids and I played a game where D5 will name all her closest relatives. There's papa and that's me. She went on to name relatives from XW's side of the family and finally ends with mummy. No mention of OM. Come to think of it, she don't mention him at all to me unlike D4. I shifted the game to name my side of the family but she refuses and said 'only mummy's family'.
Hmm...we've played other versions of the game before but she's never reluctant to mention my family members.
Makes me wonder what is going on while I'm not around.
It could be something or it could be nothing.
Hmm...didn't expect either one anyway.
Interestingly, I'm not avoiding XW but she's avoiding me now.
The kids and I played a game where D5 will name all her closest relatives. There's papa and that's me. She went on to name relatives from XW's side of the family and finally ends with mummy. No mention of OM. Come to think of it, she don't mention him at all to me unlike D4. I shifted the game to name my side of the family but she refuses and said 'only mummy's family'.
Hmm...we've played other versions of the game before but she's never reluctant to mention my family members.
Makes me wonder what is going on while I'm not around.
It could be something or it could be nothing.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 01/29/14 03:09 PM
Planet, just repeat to yourself, "Isn't that interesting?"
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 01/30/14 02:50 AM
Originally Posted By: labug
Planet, just repeat to yourself, "Isn't that interesting?"
Ok.
Isn't that interesting.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 01/30/14 02:54 AM
Today is the eve.
The streets are decorated in red. People are setting off firecrackers like there's no tomorrow. Red lanterns. Red clothing. Red and more red everywhere.
I wonder if I'll receive any red packets this year since I'm D and thus eligible once again! Haha.
Happy Lunar New Year folks!
May this year brings joy and prosperity to you and your family in abundance.
The streets are decorated in red. People are setting off firecrackers like there's no tomorrow. Red lanterns. Red clothing. Red and more red everywhere.
I wonder if I'll receive any red packets this year since I'm D and thus eligible once again! Haha.
Happy Lunar New Year folks!
May this year brings joy and prosperity to you and your family in abundance.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 01/30/14 04:40 AM
Happy New Year, Planet! I hope you have a great one with blessings you couldn't even dream of!
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 01/30/14 05:10 AM
Originally Posted By: planet
Today is the eve.
The streets are decorated in red. People are setting off firecrackers like there's no tomorrow. Red lanterns. Red clothing. Red and more red everywhere.
I wonder if I'll receive any red packets this year since I'm D and thus eligible once again! Haha.
Happy Lunar New Year folks!
May this year brings joy and prosperity to you and your family in abundance.
The streets are decorated in red. People are setting off firecrackers like there's no tomorrow. Red lanterns. Red clothing. Red and more red everywhere.
I wonder if I'll receive any red packets this year since I'm D and thus eligible once again! Haha.
Happy Lunar New Year folks!
May this year brings joy and prosperity to you and your family in abundance.
Thanks, Planet!
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 01/30/14 05:45 AM
Happy Cny planet!
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 01/31/14 09:47 AM
I gave my kids red packets from myself and my parents on the 1st day of the new year. I wanted them to call my parents to to thank them and also to greet them in traditional wishes.
D4 then blurted out that she can't. It seems that they aren't allowed to even speak to my parents. I just couldn't believe they are warned this way. I can't believe the vindictiveness of XW. I can't imagine what other thoughts and words regarding myself are being indirectly or directly implied.
Other than that, we had a good outing. Waited for the lion dance performance which D4 reminded me that she wants to see over and over again. Got a call from XW later and got the normal spew that D4 doesn't like lion dance, that I hurt D4's fingers during a previous performance touching the lions's furs and that D4 needs her nap. I think the call was to check if my parents were there! The ridiculousness of her argument doesn't surprise me anymore. I just let it go.
Looks like XW is still resentful. My dad gave her a red packet which doesn't seem to have any effect on her. I guess nothing will make her change her stance even a little.
D4 then blurted out that she can't. It seems that they aren't allowed to even speak to my parents. I just couldn't believe they are warned this way. I can't believe the vindictiveness of XW. I can't imagine what other thoughts and words regarding myself are being indirectly or directly implied.
Other than that, we had a good outing. Waited for the lion dance performance which D4 reminded me that she wants to see over and over again. Got a call from XW later and got the normal spew that D4 doesn't like lion dance, that I hurt D4's fingers during a previous performance touching the lions's furs and that D4 needs her nap. I think the call was to check if my parents were there! The ridiculousness of her argument doesn't surprise me anymore. I just let it go.
Looks like XW is still resentful. My dad gave her a red packet which doesn't seem to have any effect on her. I guess nothing will make her change her stance even a little.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 01/31/14 03:28 PM
Planet, you have way too many expectations.
You want your XW to change, I understand that, but she is who she is. Can you begin to accept that, a little?
You want your XW to change, I understand that, but she is who she is. Can you begin to accept that, a little?
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 01/31/14 07:36 PM
Kung Hee Fat Choy, planet.
Hope this year is much better than the last.
Hope this year is much better than the last.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 02/02/14 12:02 AM
Originally Posted By: labug
Planet, you have way too many expectations.
You want your XW to change, I understand that, but she is who she is. Can you begin to accept that, a little?
You want your XW to change, I understand that, but she is who she is. Can you begin to accept that, a little?
Yeah. You are right. I got carried away with the expectations.
I have swallowed a lot of stuff since BD and to be frank, it is just too much.
Acceptance is truly hard.
Reminders is much appreciated.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 02/02/14 12:34 AM
Originally Posted By: MrBond
Kung Hee Fat Choy
I got a feeling I'll get this here.
The greeting is in Cantonese.
Well, guess what?
I'm Cantonese.
XW is of Hakka and Fukienese heritage. She could speak Cantonese much better than I do. Heck, when we vacationed in Hong Kong, a local lady praised her command of the dialect.
Ah, Hong Kong. Brings back lots of memories. We had our honeymoon there too. Literally a city that never sleeps.
In this auspicious year of the horse I wish every Dbers, "Ma dou sheng gong".
I hope I get the translation right and it means 'success coming soon'!
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 02/05/14 01:48 PM
D5 drew a picture of a crying man and woman. I asked why is this man crying. She said that the woman named rapunzel is scolding the man. Not surprisingly, the man is me after probing further. Sigh.
At least, the story is different this time. The woman is clearly the aggressor.
Then I drew myself with distinct facial features. I drew myself very happy and laughing. Then I drew D5 and D4 clapping happily. This seems to intrigue D5. I said this the 'new papa'. We proceeded to draw many other pictures that shows plenty of fun time at parks, playgrounds, etc. Hoping this will persuade D5 from viewing things too negatively.
XW continues to avoid me. Gotta stay NC with me for BF's sake, eh? I know, i know, mind reading!
Chatted with xMIL for abit before leaving and noticed OM did not address xMIL when he came in.
Hmm....isn't that interesting.
At least, the story is different this time. The woman is clearly the aggressor.
Then I drew myself with distinct facial features. I drew myself very happy and laughing. Then I drew D5 and D4 clapping happily. This seems to intrigue D5. I said this the 'new papa'. We proceeded to draw many other pictures that shows plenty of fun time at parks, playgrounds, etc. Hoping this will persuade D5 from viewing things too negatively.
XW continues to avoid me. Gotta stay NC with me for BF's sake, eh? I know, i know, mind reading!
Chatted with xMIL for abit before leaving and noticed OM did not address xMIL when he came in.
Hmm....isn't that interesting.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 02/05/14 03:56 PM
Good thought with the artwork!
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 02/18/14 02:16 PM
XW returned some money left to me from my departed grandma. Sure was strange, I don't even remember such thing as it was years ago. We weren't even married then.
XW then asked me to find a receipt of her wedding ring which I bought for her. I told her I wouldn't have taken it but she insisted anyway. I said I'll find it. I didn't think it was that important so I had put it off for a couple of days until she asked for it again. Hours later, she texted me not to search for it. I did anyway and sure enough, I don't have it. Why would I?
Don't know why she wants it unless of course she wants to sell it.
Well, I got a bad feeling about this. Anyway, too much effort worrying over something which is not worth my time and energy.
The kids are doing well. D5 is not drawing any sad pictures anymore so I'm relieved. Peaceful couple of weeks. Grateful for that.
XW then asked me to find a receipt of her wedding ring which I bought for her. I told her I wouldn't have taken it but she insisted anyway. I said I'll find it. I didn't think it was that important so I had put it off for a couple of days until she asked for it again. Hours later, she texted me not to search for it. I did anyway and sure enough, I don't have it. Why would I?
Don't know why she wants it unless of course she wants to sell it.
Well, I got a bad feeling about this. Anyway, too much effort worrying over something which is not worth my time and energy.
The kids are doing well. D5 is not drawing any sad pictures anymore so I'm relieved. Peaceful couple of weeks. Grateful for that.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 02/25/14 03:19 PM
Another drama!
As usual I visited my kids after work. It's my routine since moving out. I played with D5 when OM/BF returned. I went about my business as it's my time with the kids and nothing else matters. Suddenly, he slammed the front door and switched off the lights. Then XW came over and turned it backed on again. I didn't know what's going on so I continued to play with D5.
He switched off the lights again and this time hit the door. I asked him what's the problem. XW quickly came over. He sort of asked her not so nicely to go to another room. He just stormed off and XW asked him to calm down.
XW then asked me if my car had blocked the driveway. I said no and she looked at the driveway and told me to ignore him. Today, a car had parked at my usual spot. I have to park as close as possible and I did take parts of the driveway but it was enough for a car to go through. He did manage to park his small car in the porch.
What is his problem? His stormed off the house later on.
xMIL came down later and I told her what happened. xMIL agreed it wasn't a big deal. xMIL even asked the domestic help about it. XW was nowhere to be found.
I gave my calling card to xMIL and the domestic help. I told them to call me if anything happens to my kids.
I'm not worried about XW as i believe she can take care of herself. It's her problem now as she chose to be with a psycho.
Him storming off? If I were to do that XW will give me a hard time when we were married. I guess he's off the hook somehow just because he needs to maneuver a bit to get in. I don't think XW will give him a hard time.
Different situation now. I have never thought of him as someone with a temper. I guess his true colors are showing now.
Not my problem. Staying off the family drama and I don't need it.
As usual I visited my kids after work. It's my routine since moving out. I played with D5 when OM/BF returned. I went about my business as it's my time with the kids and nothing else matters. Suddenly, he slammed the front door and switched off the lights. Then XW came over and turned it backed on again. I didn't know what's going on so I continued to play with D5.
He switched off the lights again and this time hit the door. I asked him what's the problem. XW quickly came over. He sort of asked her not so nicely to go to another room. He just stormed off and XW asked him to calm down.
XW then asked me if my car had blocked the driveway. I said no and she looked at the driveway and told me to ignore him. Today, a car had parked at my usual spot. I have to park as close as possible and I did take parts of the driveway but it was enough for a car to go through. He did manage to park his small car in the porch.
What is his problem? His stormed off the house later on.
xMIL came down later and I told her what happened. xMIL agreed it wasn't a big deal. xMIL even asked the domestic help about it. XW was nowhere to be found.
I gave my calling card to xMIL and the domestic help. I told them to call me if anything happens to my kids.
I'm not worried about XW as i believe she can take care of herself. It's her problem now as she chose to be with a psycho.
Him storming off? If I were to do that XW will give me a hard time when we were married. I guess he's off the hook somehow just because he needs to maneuver a bit to get in. I don't think XW will give him a hard time.
Different situation now. I have never thought of him as someone with a temper. I guess his true colors are showing now.
Not my problem. Staying off the family drama and I don't need it.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 02/25/14 03:39 PM
Maybe she did give him a hard time, later.
I can understand you being uncomfortable with your children being around someone with a volatile temper.
Good to hear from you.
I can understand you being uncomfortable with your children being around someone with a volatile temper.
Good to hear from you.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 02/25/14 04:55 PM
Maybe. Maybe not. Won't change anything for me.
It's strange that he acts like he owns the house. Is he delusional or what?
I just hope XW didn't signed away the house to him. Would she? Like I said earlier I got a bad feeling about the turn of events lately.
Sigh. XW used to hate my temper. I just shut down and avoid talking. I certainly do not behave unruly to my guests.
She's with someone whose temper is even worse than I have ever been. Funny how one chooses a partner.
I'm good. Been making friends here and there. Got a girl whom I feel is interested in me. We met a couple of times as friends. Actually it's kind of obvious but I was pulling back and she eventually back off. She kind of severed ties with a text out of the blue. Felt weird but I let it go.
What a pity. She likes what I liked which is pretty rare. Actually I have never met someone who shares my passion, not even my closes friends. Wrong timing. Just rotten luck.
It's strange that he acts like he owns the house. Is he delusional or what?
I just hope XW didn't signed away the house to him. Would she? Like I said earlier I got a bad feeling about the turn of events lately.
Sigh. XW used to hate my temper. I just shut down and avoid talking. I certainly do not behave unruly to my guests.
She's with someone whose temper is even worse than I have ever been. Funny how one chooses a partner.
I'm good. Been making friends here and there. Got a girl whom I feel is interested in me. We met a couple of times as friends. Actually it's kind of obvious but I was pulling back and she eventually back off. She kind of severed ties with a text out of the blue. Felt weird but I let it go.
What a pity. She likes what I liked which is pretty rare. Actually I have never met someone who shares my passion, not even my closes friends. Wrong timing. Just rotten luck.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 03/05/14 08:07 AM
My D4 is really cute. The present I gave her for her birthday is still neatly wrapped although I was notified that the actual present inside was taken out. Unsuspecting D4 haven't a clue.
A couple of weeks ago when I first gave it to D4, she didn't want to open it then. I just let her be. D4 even tried to show it to XW saying it was for XW. XW just walked away without saying a word while D4 kept on calling out to her mom. D4 was pretty upset. I told her it's alright and the present is for her and not anyone else.
The nanny which is XW's aunt took over from xMIL to care for the kids a for a month. She told me that D5 have been behaving differently for quite some time which I also agree. She asked me to visit them more often.
I find that statement strange. I am visiting them as much I could, up to a point that XW and gang finds it just too much!
I asked if she had relayed this concern of hers to XW. She said no and gave me an impression that she's reluctant to do so. I don't have much of a conversation with her before but now I'm more approachable than XW?
Strange and she's her relative.
Isn't that interesting...
A couple of weeks ago when I first gave it to D4, she didn't want to open it then. I just let her be. D4 even tried to show it to XW saying it was for XW. XW just walked away without saying a word while D4 kept on calling out to her mom. D4 was pretty upset. I told her it's alright and the present is for her and not anyone else.
The nanny which is XW's aunt took over from xMIL to care for the kids a for a month. She told me that D5 have been behaving differently for quite some time which I also agree. She asked me to visit them more often.
I find that statement strange. I am visiting them as much I could, up to a point that XW and gang finds it just too much!
I asked if she had relayed this concern of hers to XW. She said no and gave me an impression that she's reluctant to do so. I don't have much of a conversation with her before but now I'm more approachable than XW?
Strange and she's her relative.
Isn't that interesting...
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 03/05/14 04:34 PM
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 03/10/14 03:37 AM
Last friday, I texted XW via 'WhatsApp' of my intention of taking the domestic help and my kids out for dinner. Her contract is due and will be leaving soon. I'm doing this with the intention of showing gratitude for her services for the family.
I really don't understand why I would even think XW would be ok with this. XW of course said no and says she's busy for the weekend.
I said you already took the kids for the last two weekends. I reasoned with her to be fair.
She even repeated ' We r not free' 8 times. Childish.
She went on saying that she needs to attend seminars, company dinner, conventions and sponsored holidays the whole month of march and she needs to spend time with the kids too.
My request is not unreasonable. I said i'm taking saturday evening and she can have sunday.
She's ignoring the reason which is very valid.
Come Saturday, I went over to XW's anyway, only to find XW took the kids away. I called her and she went on spewing and hung up.
She started of by saying that I never paid anything for the domestic help's services and even disagreed on hiring her. That is true and she conveniently excluded the fact I contributed my entire salary for household needs. I know she is arguing based on nothing. I took this no further.
She even said why I gave presents from my brother to the kids when she said no gifts from my family. Ridiculous.
I asked about the kids then. She said they are already out. Mind reading but I think my suggestion on taking the maid for dinner might have triggered this episode.
Hereon, it's all via 'Whatsapp'.
Then she went on saying that I come every day on weekdays and she don't have time with them. Saying that I took the kids out without her consent on wednesday which I did informed her.
Went on saying she will be away for 20days and asked for my understanding on her needs as well. I replied why should I sacrifice my time.
She went on the argue that she's never stop me from seeing my kids on weekdays. Rushing to adapt to my time. Getting them ready for me. I replied I appreciate her kindness and never said you are wrong but this had nothing to do with me wanting to spend time with my kids. Further more, we set the time for me to send them back home. Rushing? C'mon. If she feels this ways then say something.
She went further to asked why I'm not happy for the kids being with her and that I'm selfish I said I never said they are not happy and don't put words in my mouth. How is it I'm selfish?
She said I'm giving her problems and she had to include me in her schedule. The kids complaint that they are hungry after they come home. That is not valid. I fed them until they are truly done at that point of time. I always ask my kids if they are hungry!
She again complain that I come everyday leaving her no time with the kids. I spend an hour with them. She had the rest of the night. She said that I leave with a mess of toys, they need baths and have meals after I leave. That is so ridiculous. I mean they have their baths and meals during MY time. I'm not saying it's all the time but most of it. I don't complain but i volunteer to feed them. That is joy. I always advise the kids to clean up. I will supervise them the next time since XW is not happy about it. BTW, the maid said that she cleans up after them all the time. I'm pretty sure that includes the days when I'm not around!
She said that I'm difficult to talk to and challenged me to take the maid out to prove my sincerity without the kids. I refused and I requested some other day to do it with the kids. Again, she refused. She's not going to allow the maid to have dinner with me with or without the kids.
She went on to bring up LOTS past hurts. I validated.
I admitted I was insensitive with my words back then. I have never deny anything and added that some events is not how I remembered it. She of course are having none of it.
Her complaints are nothing new. Mostly based on single incidents. She's repeating all of it as if it happened multiple times.
I will allow this to BREAK me. I'm good.
I really don't understand why I would even think XW would be ok with this. XW of course said no and says she's busy for the weekend.
I said you already took the kids for the last two weekends. I reasoned with her to be fair.
She even repeated ' We r not free' 8 times. Childish.
She went on saying that she needs to attend seminars, company dinner, conventions and sponsored holidays the whole month of march and she needs to spend time with the kids too.
My request is not unreasonable. I said i'm taking saturday evening and she can have sunday.
She's ignoring the reason which is very valid.
Come Saturday, I went over to XW's anyway, only to find XW took the kids away. I called her and she went on spewing and hung up.
She started of by saying that I never paid anything for the domestic help's services and even disagreed on hiring her. That is true and she conveniently excluded the fact I contributed my entire salary for household needs. I know she is arguing based on nothing. I took this no further.
She even said why I gave presents from my brother to the kids when she said no gifts from my family. Ridiculous.
I asked about the kids then. She said they are already out. Mind reading but I think my suggestion on taking the maid for dinner might have triggered this episode.
Hereon, it's all via 'Whatsapp'.
Then she went on saying that I come every day on weekdays and she don't have time with them. Saying that I took the kids out without her consent on wednesday which I did informed her.
Went on saying she will be away for 20days and asked for my understanding on her needs as well. I replied why should I sacrifice my time.
She went on the argue that she's never stop me from seeing my kids on weekdays. Rushing to adapt to my time. Getting them ready for me. I replied I appreciate her kindness and never said you are wrong but this had nothing to do with me wanting to spend time with my kids. Further more, we set the time for me to send them back home. Rushing? C'mon. If she feels this ways then say something.
She went further to asked why I'm not happy for the kids being with her and that I'm selfish I said I never said they are not happy and don't put words in my mouth. How is it I'm selfish?
She said I'm giving her problems and she had to include me in her schedule. The kids complaint that they are hungry after they come home. That is not valid. I fed them until they are truly done at that point of time. I always ask my kids if they are hungry!
She again complain that I come everyday leaving her no time with the kids. I spend an hour with them. She had the rest of the night. She said that I leave with a mess of toys, they need baths and have meals after I leave. That is so ridiculous. I mean they have their baths and meals during MY time. I'm not saying it's all the time but most of it. I don't complain but i volunteer to feed them. That is joy. I always advise the kids to clean up. I will supervise them the next time since XW is not happy about it. BTW, the maid said that she cleans up after them all the time. I'm pretty sure that includes the days when I'm not around!
She said that I'm difficult to talk to and challenged me to take the maid out to prove my sincerity without the kids. I refused and I requested some other day to do it with the kids. Again, she refused. She's not going to allow the maid to have dinner with me with or without the kids.
She went on to bring up LOTS past hurts. I validated.
I admitted I was insensitive with my words back then. I have never deny anything and added that some events is not how I remembered it. She of course are having none of it.
Her complaints are nothing new. Mostly based on single incidents. She's repeating all of it as if it happened multiple times.
I will allow this to BREAK me. I'm good.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 03/10/14 03:38 AM
I will NOT allow this to BREAK me. I'm good.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 03/10/14 04:08 AM
Why can't you just take the maid out on your own? She doesn't "own" her. Just do it.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 03/10/14 04:24 AM
I would love too. We would have a fantastic time with the kids.
The maid was alright with it but she insisted that I asked XW first. If XW says no, she wouldn't go. I think she didn't want any trouble. I don't want to put her in a spot.
Can't even see me being kind to others. XW is probably afraid of her own shadows. I don't plan to get any information from the maid either.
The maid was alright with it but she insisted that I asked XW first. If XW says no, she wouldn't go. I think she didn't want any trouble. I don't want to put her in a spot.
Can't even see me being kind to others. XW is probably afraid of her own shadows. I don't plan to get any information from the maid either.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 03/10/14 04:40 AM
Then take her out when she's finished with your XW.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 03/10/14 04:54 AM
That's a good idea. I'll arrange with the maid. She leaves on the the 20th.
BTW, the maid stays at the house and meals are provided. Her contract only allows her to have 1 day off in a month. She is compensated for it of course and the maid agreed to this option before we hired her.
That is why she's reluctant while still employed.
BTW, the maid stays at the house and meals are provided. Her contract only allows her to have 1 day off in a month. She is compensated for it of course and the maid agreed to this option before we hired her.
That is why she's reluctant while still employed.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 03/14/14 04:47 PM
I called the girl that kinda 'broke up' with me weeks ago. It was weird because we didn't start any relationship so in that sense there was none. Anyway, I wanted to share with her about the group of friends that I had just made n connected immediately. No particular reason why I called. It's just that she helped me through some difficult moments since BD and I wanted her to share my happiness. We ended up having dinner couple of days later. We had a few more meet ups in the following weeks and all on her initiative.
Tonight she called. Her relative is terminally ill. She was looking for some support so I went to meet her. I just wanted to comfort her. She's kinda down but I think I managed to cheer her up. We talked until the restaurant closed and went outside to continue. Suddenly she just stood closely and our arms are touching. Her head was already resting on my shoulder and I was stunned. I didn't know how to react. She asked me to stand closer when I did move away. She asked me what did I like in her. I did everything she asked and I think she felt that I was kinda pulling away.
When we decided to leave for home. She held my arm and made her way to my hand. I just stopped and asked her. "Are you sure about this? Are you sure about us? I'm not ready."
Her response was, "Who says that we are going for a relationship? I just want to live in this moment".
I walked her to her car while still holding hands.
As I drove home, I asked myself many questions. I'm not sure that I'm over XW. I didn't want to start any other relationship just yet. That girl was in a bad place emotionally these couple of days and tonight she may not be thinking right. I pulled back instead of going all in. I'm confused and I wanted some affection too.
This is exactly what I when through 10 years ago with XW. I didn't really pursue her. XW just drew closer and the next thing I know, we are dating. XW resented me for not pursuing her. She told me a couple of times before BD. I was unsure then and I'm in exactly the same place now.
I don't want things to get complicated. Not now. Just not now.
Tonight she called. Her relative is terminally ill. She was looking for some support so I went to meet her. I just wanted to comfort her. She's kinda down but I think I managed to cheer her up. We talked until the restaurant closed and went outside to continue. Suddenly she just stood closely and our arms are touching. Her head was already resting on my shoulder and I was stunned. I didn't know how to react. She asked me to stand closer when I did move away. She asked me what did I like in her. I did everything she asked and I think she felt that I was kinda pulling away.
When we decided to leave for home. She held my arm and made her way to my hand. I just stopped and asked her. "Are you sure about this? Are you sure about us? I'm not ready."
Her response was, "Who says that we are going for a relationship? I just want to live in this moment".
I walked her to her car while still holding hands.
As I drove home, I asked myself many questions. I'm not sure that I'm over XW. I didn't want to start any other relationship just yet. That girl was in a bad place emotionally these couple of days and tonight she may not be thinking right. I pulled back instead of going all in. I'm confused and I wanted some affection too.
This is exactly what I when through 10 years ago with XW. I didn't really pursue her. XW just drew closer and the next thing I know, we are dating. XW resented me for not pursuing her. She told me a couple of times before BD. I was unsure then and I'm in exactly the same place now.
I don't want things to get complicated. Not now. Just not now.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 03/14/14 05:06 PM
planet. great observations. do you feel like history is repeating itself? I get that sense from what you posted. let yourself be happy. maybe let yourself enjoy this person's friendship. You never know, it might be just what you needed My 2 cents
My 2 cents
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 03/15/14 01:05 AM
paul19510
She appeared into my life while I'm in my worst possible frame of mind. I enjoyed her company very much. She understood and guided me to view things differently. She was there when I was down. There was no judgement from her.
Yesterday, I didn't respond positively while she was resting her head on my shoulder, our arms touching, etc...I just stood there like a damn pillar. I didn't want to respond nor do I wanted to reject her. It's selfish. I wanted the affection but couldn't give any. I don't want to hurt her.
She has a bad childhood and this has affected her choices as an adult. Cycles of relationships. She has searched everywhere for her unhappiness including self-help courses, spiritual guidance, etc. She's aware of her past and found much answer in Buddhism. Her answers to me is almost always along the spiritual path.
What I see in her, I saw XW. XW has a bad childhood too. Problem is one is aware and the other is not.
What did she see in me begs another question. I couldn't offer anything to her. A dad with 2 kids. Struggling financially. She was there while I was a wreck. How in the world is that attractive at all?
She appeared into my life while I'm in my worst possible frame of mind. I enjoyed her company very much. She understood and guided me to view things differently. She was there when I was down. There was no judgement from her.
Yesterday, I didn't respond positively while she was resting her head on my shoulder, our arms touching, etc...I just stood there like a damn pillar. I didn't want to respond nor do I wanted to reject her. It's selfish. I wanted the affection but couldn't give any. I don't want to hurt her.
She has a bad childhood and this has affected her choices as an adult. Cycles of relationships. She has searched everywhere for her unhappiness including self-help courses, spiritual guidance, etc. She's aware of her past and found much answer in Buddhism. Her answers to me is almost always along the spiritual path.
What I see in her, I saw XW. XW has a bad childhood too. Problem is one is aware and the other is not.
What did she see in me begs another question. I couldn't offer anything to her. A dad with 2 kids. Struggling financially. She was there while I was a wreck. How in the world is that attractive at all?
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 03/15/14 01:45 AM
Planet I hear your pain, do you feel the need to help her? As Paul very well told you we sometimes repeat and repeat and its sometimes because we dont allow ourselves time enough to figure it out the best way to love ourselves...
I am in a place of pause in my R with my W now and I have been discovering things about myself, now all I want its to enjoy this time and spend time doing things for myself, I know I am lovable and everyday I confirm that more and more, but I am realistic and know that now I cant offer my full self to a R.
Just be gentle with yourself and honest and if you cant offer her a R now just walk this path single, it will be everything fine
I am in a place of pause in my R with my W now and I have been discovering things about myself, now all I want its to enjoy this time and spend time doing things for myself, I know I am lovable and everyday I confirm that more and more, but I am realistic and know that now I cant offer my full self to a R.
Just be gentle with yourself and honest and if you cant offer her a R now just walk this path single, it will be everything fine
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 03/15/14 03:28 AM
ye21
One of the things we learn from Dbing is that we don't have to rescue others emotionally. What we do in situations like this is just to validate.
Can anyone misconstrue validation as something else?
What I can offer now is just friendship. I did not put myself out there for a serious relationship.
Sigh!
Maybe she's right. Just live in the moment.
One of the things we learn from Dbing is that we don't have to rescue others emotionally. What we do in situations like this is just to validate.
Can anyone misconstrue validation as something else?
What I can offer now is just friendship. I did not put myself out there for a serious relationship.
Sigh!
Maybe she's right. Just live in the moment.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 03/15/14 03:41 AM
Oh ok
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 03/24/14 12:11 PM
Hmm...tonight is indeed a strange night.
XW wanted to talk to me over some insurance matters. She keeps mentioning she has my best interest in mind while discussing this thing. It involves money...so (shrugs). I don't have to pay extra so I'm good.
She can even sit closer and look me in the eye. Well, that's new!
Still, I do not trust her motives. I don't know why.
I have been doing my thing. Enjoying my new found friends. Emotionally I'm pretty much on the low towards XW. I don't think about us all the time. It seems that my mind has been occupied by other things. I'm enjoying my kids more when I don't have thoughts of XW occupying it often. It's great and liberating.
Could XW have sensed my cutting all emotional cords?
Time can only tell.
XW wanted to talk to me over some insurance matters. She keeps mentioning she has my best interest in mind while discussing this thing. It involves money...so (shrugs). I don't have to pay extra so I'm good.
She can even sit closer and look me in the eye. Well, that's new!
Still, I do not trust her motives. I don't know why.
I have been doing my thing. Enjoying my new found friends. Emotionally I'm pretty much on the low towards XW. I don't think about us all the time. It seems that my mind has been occupied by other things. I'm enjoying my kids more when I don't have thoughts of XW occupying it often. It's great and liberating.
Could XW have sensed my cutting all emotional cords?
Time can only tell.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 03/24/14 01:48 PM
Good to hear from you planet.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 03/28/14 09:26 AM
labug.Suddenly I find myself becoming Mr.Popular...loads of activity to keep myself pretty much occupied.
I'm enjoying my kids more. They are asking me to stay longer each time I visit. D5 tells me that she loves me. Voluntarily. D4 only says 'I love U' after she gets something out of me. It usually involves more play time with hugs and kisses.
I went 'incommunicado' with the girl that was interested in me after that night. In the meantime she did post a hint on FB. She texted yesterday to meet up. I said sure and left it as it is. She texted again today asking for a specific date and time.
I don't know how to respond. This girl is relentless.
Life is good. Feels like high school all over again!
BTW, I had a dream about XW a couple of nights ago and I haven't had a dream for a very, very long time. I realized that I still have some feelings for her.
Hmmm...I don't think this is good news. Have I moved on or have I not?
Each is pulling me on both sides. Both equally strong. I know I don't want to remain 'stuck'.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 04/04/14 03:07 AM
Well, it's been weeks since I have actually seen XW face to face but the last wednesday she's there having dinner and arranging something in the living room while i was playing with my girls. That's new.
Even stranger, she texted me requesting me to get her consent before taking the kids out to meet my friends. I took D4 out last weekend to meet my new friends and had a fun time. She's loved by all.
D4 meeting my friends bothered her whole week that she decided to make an 'appearance' and actually said 'something' today? Hahaha.
I told her I'm taking them on sunday and my plans. She replied she never stopped D5 from going out with me and it's her choice to stay. I thought I just made my plans known to ease her worry but I got another strange response instead.
I don't really know whats XW's worry is. No point getting any form of clarification from someone who's clearly paranoid. I just said 'Good to know' and ended the conversation.
Even stranger, she texted me requesting me to get her consent before taking the kids out to meet my friends. I took D4 out last weekend to meet my new friends and had a fun time. She's loved by all.
D4 meeting my friends bothered her whole week that she decided to make an 'appearance' and actually said 'something' today? Hahaha.
I told her I'm taking them on sunday and my plans. She replied she never stopped D5 from going out with me and it's her choice to stay. I thought I just made my plans known to ease her worry but I got another strange response instead.
I don't really know whats XW's worry is. No point getting any form of clarification from someone who's clearly paranoid. I just said 'Good to know' and ended the conversation.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 05/09/14 02:46 AM
Haven't been around this forum much. Thought I'd check in.
It's been 1 year since BD. A lot of things changed especially the last couple of months.
Got myself a new job. Very busy all the time. Been engaged in several business discussions with some investors. Might have to give up the security of a permanent job to do what I want in life, although it's just around a month in this new job.
My prototype development has stalled. Need to continue focusing on it again. Time is what I can't afford right now!
I realize that there's more to life than moping around and hoping to see changes in XW and the situation. I gave that up.
Kids are great. D5 and D4 loves my visit. It's always papa here, papa there, papa do this, papa do that. It's great.
Well, XW is still XW. From the last conversation we had, she still blames my mom and sis for the D. Wanting so much for me to acknowledge it. I did so many times over after BD. Don't know if she will ever snap out of it. Looks like she's the one who can't let go. I will honour my family. Nothing I can do to change the past. I don't blame any of them. Things happened for a reason. It's afterall her perspective. I have my own.
The girl who interested in me is still interested. I can't change her too. She is not what I want unfortunately, although I would say she's very much different from XW. That said, I'm staying in the friend zone nevertheless.
Looking forward to the future. Had a hunch it will be better.
It's been 1 year since BD. A lot of things changed especially the last couple of months.
Got myself a new job. Very busy all the time. Been engaged in several business discussions with some investors. Might have to give up the security of a permanent job to do what I want in life, although it's just around a month in this new job.
My prototype development has stalled. Need to continue focusing on it again. Time is what I can't afford right now!
I realize that there's more to life than moping around and hoping to see changes in XW and the situation. I gave that up.
Kids are great. D5 and D4 loves my visit. It's always papa here, papa there, papa do this, papa do that. It's great.
Well, XW is still XW. From the last conversation we had, she still blames my mom and sis for the D. Wanting so much for me to acknowledge it. I did so many times over after BD. Don't know if she will ever snap out of it. Looks like she's the one who can't let go. I will honour my family. Nothing I can do to change the past. I don't blame any of them. Things happened for a reason. It's afterall her perspective. I have my own.
The girl who interested in me is still interested. I can't change her too. She is not what I want unfortunately, although I would say she's very much different from XW. That said, I'm staying in the friend zone nevertheless.
Looking forward to the future. Had a hunch it will be better.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 05/23/14 11:53 AM
planet,
hang in there. Don't give up hope. I'm very early on in the process but I know how important self work is. Hopefully, you're taking care of yourself throughout this ordeal.
hang in there. Don't give up hope. I'm very early on in the process but I know how important self work is. Hopefully, you're taking care of yourself throughout this ordeal.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 05/23/14 02:20 PM
Yay, Planet. Sounds good.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 08/18/14 09:31 AM
Remember the girl that was interested in me?
Well, we went out for a movie one night. She reached out and held my hand throughout the movie. I wasn’t comfortable and was just too polite to say so. I walked her back to her car after the movie and suddenly she kissed me. I got to say it was quite some time since I’ve kissed a girl. I enjoyed it and kissed back. My mind just keeps telling me to accept her but it didn’t feel right.
We dated for one more time before I ended the brief relationship. It just didn’t feel right. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I think I’m not ready or have serious trust issues.
She’s alright by the way. She respected my decision. We haven’t kept in contact with each other since that night. She did ask a mutual friend later why I had not called her. She thought I was upset with her or maybe she wasn’t satisfied with my reasons for breaking things off. Whatever it is, I think its best I stay away for a while longer.
That’s my love story thus far. All failed.
Well, we went out for a movie one night. She reached out and held my hand throughout the movie. I wasn’t comfortable and was just too polite to say so. I walked her back to her car after the movie and suddenly she kissed me. I got to say it was quite some time since I’ve kissed a girl. I enjoyed it and kissed back. My mind just keeps telling me to accept her but it didn’t feel right.
We dated for one more time before I ended the brief relationship. It just didn’t feel right. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I think I’m not ready or have serious trust issues.
She’s alright by the way. She respected my decision. We haven’t kept in contact with each other since that night. She did ask a mutual friend later why I had not called her. She thought I was upset with her or maybe she wasn’t satisfied with my reasons for breaking things off. Whatever it is, I think its best I stay away for a while longer.
That’s my love story thus far. All failed.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 08/18/14 09:34 AM
Roughly 5-6 weeks ago, I visited my kids as per my routine around 7pm. I stayed a bit longer that night since I have only 1 weekday after XW signed my kids up for extra-curricular night classes on other weekdays. Then XW and her BF arrived home around 8.30pm. I stayed on for about 10minutes before deciding to call it a night.
That’s when the drama started. BF confronted me and accused me as an intruder. Apparently he thinks I take up too much time visiting my kids. I replied that we could all go to the police station to make a report against me. He refused.
He continued foaming in the mouth about the house doesn’t belong to me anymore. He said he doesn’t wish to see me in the house if he’s back. I told him to move out if he doesn’t wish to see me at all. I reminded him that the house doesn’t belong to him either. Bloody hell, I gave my half of the house to XW and the kids for free and he had the nerve to say this.
More delusional, he continued to say that he allows me to visit my kids tonight and gives his permission to take my daughter out on weekends and I should not abuse the privilege overstaying. I reminded him again that the kids aren’t his and I do not require his permission.
He continued on about him being not feeling well and it was very late. I’m around so he couldn’t rest. It was 8.30pm. Late!!??
XW came over to ask me to quit arguing with him. I was surprised. I couldn’t believe this. It’s as if I started this. XMIL asks me to just leave. Just as I was leaving, that idiot repeatedly calls me a lousy father and said ‘fxxx-oxx’. I sarcastically replied, ‘That’s right, swear with the kids around’. He just showed the insecure and immature side of him.
I think he’s suffering from a false sense of entitlement. Unbelievable. And to think I was replaced by a better guy. I really thought XW left me because he’s a much better person after BD. I should have just punch him in the eye.
I went home. I slept well that night. Couldn’t let that idiot bother me. I am the father and nothing is going to change that.
That’s when the drama started. BF confronted me and accused me as an intruder. Apparently he thinks I take up too much time visiting my kids. I replied that we could all go to the police station to make a report against me. He refused.
He continued foaming in the mouth about the house doesn’t belong to me anymore. He said he doesn’t wish to see me in the house if he’s back. I told him to move out if he doesn’t wish to see me at all. I reminded him that the house doesn’t belong to him either. Bloody hell, I gave my half of the house to XW and the kids for free and he had the nerve to say this.
More delusional, he continued to say that he allows me to visit my kids tonight and gives his permission to take my daughter out on weekends and I should not abuse the privilege overstaying. I reminded him again that the kids aren’t his and I do not require his permission.
He continued on about him being not feeling well and it was very late. I’m around so he couldn’t rest. It was 8.30pm. Late!!??
XW came over to ask me to quit arguing with him. I was surprised. I couldn’t believe this. It’s as if I started this. XMIL asks me to just leave. Just as I was leaving, that idiot repeatedly calls me a lousy father and said ‘fxxx-oxx’. I sarcastically replied, ‘That’s right, swear with the kids around’. He just showed the insecure and immature side of him.
I think he’s suffering from a false sense of entitlement. Unbelievable. And to think I was replaced by a better guy. I really thought XW left me because he’s a much better person after BD. I should have just punch him in the eye.
I went home. I slept well that night. Couldn’t let that idiot bother me. I am the father and nothing is going to change that.
Re: wife hardens heart-7 - 08/18/14 09:35 AM
Things got a little more interesting a couple of weeks on. I got a new job with higher pay. That’s another switch in just 3 months. I’m also in an advance discussion with an investor interested in my little project. I might give up the new job if that goes well.
An ex-colleague contacted me out of the blue after I left the last company I worked for. We went out a couple of times and have kept in contact consistently for about 2 weeks. I enjoyed her company and do think about her a lot. I have never met her prior to this. She’s from a different department but apparently, she knew a little bit of my background. How she got my number, I rather not ask. Hmmm….:)
On a separate note, XW asked or rather warned me not to spend time with my friends while taking my kid on the weekend. I disagreed and reasoned with her for a bit. I finally ended it by asking her to show evidence that my friends will bring harm to my daughter and unless she is prepared to do so, I will not agree to her ridiculous demand.
What’s got into her? It’s just having lunch. She demanded to know, ‘Whos’s Jack?, Who’s Jacqueline? I don’t care who you spend time with, I don’t want my daughter near them.’
She’s crazy. Just like her BF.
An ex-colleague contacted me out of the blue after I left the last company I worked for. We went out a couple of times and have kept in contact consistently for about 2 weeks. I enjoyed her company and do think about her a lot. I have never met her prior to this. She’s from a different department but apparently, she knew a little bit of my background. How she got my number, I rather not ask. Hmmm….:)
On a separate note, XW asked or rather warned me not to spend time with my friends while taking my kid on the weekend. I disagreed and reasoned with her for a bit. I finally ended it by asking her to show evidence that my friends will bring harm to my daughter and unless she is prepared to do so, I will not agree to her ridiculous demand.
What’s got into her? It’s just having lunch. She demanded to know, ‘Whos’s Jack?, Who’s Jacqueline? I don’t care who you spend time with, I don’t want my daughter near them.’
She’s crazy. Just like her BF.