"Your fiancee's friend who wanted to leave his wife only after 6 months of marriage. Your post said she was very upset and disgusted and was planning to confront him about it. How did that turn out? Did she have an epiphany?"
Oh right, her friend... No epiphany. She's like that though, can't see her own situation when she's in it. She hasn't quite developed the observer mentality. She confronted him and told him what she thought, but I haven't heard much about it since I've been dim.
So last night and this morning were small baby steps. I picked her up from work last night and dropped my son off at her place. She invited me up and we had a small dinner together which was a nice thing for her to offer me. Normally I would've stayed as long as possible but I told her I was meeting up with an old highschool buddy. 180 for me.
This morning I picked my son up and offered to drive her to work. Partly because I was a bit late and I felt bad that she might miss her bus because of me. She was very upbeat and happy and we shared a few laughs. I did a few more 180's. normally I would say things that would prompt her in becoming defensive which often times would lead to arguments. Example. She forgot her precious phone at home on the way to work. Normally I'd say something like forget about it or I'd give a sarcastic comment about how precious her phone is. Instead I said, it really s*cks when you think you have everything and then forget something. I just let her vent the whole way back to her place. She found her phone and all was fine. There were 2 other times on the way to work which I diffused a potential argument.
After I dropped her off she smiled and said thanks for the adventure.
Anyway, baby steps...
Oh, I wish I could have baby steps. I haven't had the opportunity to show off my 180s, he hasn't been around to see them or spoken to me to hear them. He picked up D from school and had dinner with her and his cousin this past Friday evening. While I sat alone in a booth at Outback Steakhouse, pretending to be out and busy and having fun. I was miserable; we don't get to have family dinners anymore. Savor those moments, the little encounters, and keep doing what you're doing...a great job. You're not out of the woods yet.
Oh boy.... This hurts. It's like everything that happened during our first break up is happening again but in fast forward!! My brain is hurting and I really need to calm down. Who is this girl?
Today we talked for like 8 hours!!! Turns out she has been dating a guy for the last 3 weeks. He's 38 and has a 6 year old. From what I gather he usually does l9ng term relationships. Never been married. This f*cking hurts to the core. She met him online.
All the classic script is being played out here. Changes being made that I would've loved to see during our r. That happened the last time we broke up as well. Telling me she wants me to be happy with someone else. Ugh!!! It's like I know what's going to happen but I just have to sit through this sh*t and watch.
Surprisingly I held it together for the most part. So many things she was saying was just so wrong!! Not even from my perspective but facts. Funny how they rewrite history like that. They forget any good and just focus on the bad.
She ended up talking about what's been going on with her, family stuff and work and friends.
I'm contemplating a new game plan. It's the same as last time. I have to fully detach, date, and be that super nice guy who is better than anyone she knows. I have to do family time, that's step/goal number one.
I found out some more reasons why she left me again. But who knows if it's just how she's feeling today. The list might be different tomorrow. But what I gather is this. She was super pissed that I was upset about her joining a 6 month pool league with that guy she had casual sex with; claims that I didn't change my jealousy issues(which weren't really issues). She was upset that I didn't move ahead with the stuff I said I would do fast enough. I was in fact getting the ball rolling just wasn't fast enough for her liking.
Ugh!! My mind is mush right now.
Someone point me in the right direction!!!
Ps. I hate these emotional posts, 10 bucks says I end up feeling better in a few posts.
2TH, I think you have already pointed yourself in the right direction with the idea of detaching.
I feel like you talk about a lot of the hurtful things your W has done/said, but you seem to still have her on a pedestal. Do you agree? I have found that looking more honestly at my M and my H (both during the M and now) has helped me to strip away some of the desperation I felt to have him back . . . that's not to say I don't want him back - I do. But it has helped me to focus more on myself rather than my H; and to be able to look at H and his behavior more objectively and see that it is a reflection of him and not of me.
As far as dating, do you really want to date right now? Or is it just part of a strategy to get your W back?
2nd, so sorry you're going through this!! That sounds like a very painful conversation. But at least it's all out there now. If there's a small silver lining it's that your GF is secure enough in your R that she is willing to tell you about OM rather than taking the typical WAS cloak-and-dagger approach.
Hi melissa. You have no idea how much I appreciate any kind of response to my thread. I'm at that low point we all go through. It f*cking hurts!!!
I totally agree with taking her off that pedestal. The thing that worked for me last time was to take her off it by listing all her negative physical traits. The traits I accepted because I love her have become reasons for getting her off that damn pedestal. I'm a guy so I know how critical/shallow we can be sometimes. That's why listing physical traits helps me more as opposed to knowing she is a basket case right now. Guys can put up with crazy chicks who are hot(shallow I know). If I tell myself the reasons she's not hot, I dunno, I find comfort in that.
The dating thing was more meant for down the line. Sure ill go out and grab a coffee or drink if the situation presents itself. But I'm no rush to start a real relationship. Dating in the past was a huge way to detach for me. I waited close to 10 months before I tried dating again.
I want to find comfort somehow, some way knowing that their relationship won't last. Even her mother is upset with her decision to date. But that just fuels my ex more to prove her mom wrong. I'm mind reading there.
My mind is a mess now and need to find peace, and strength.
2nd, so sorry you're going through this!! That sounds like a very painful conversation. But at least it's all out there now. If there's a small silver lining it's that your GF is secure enough in your R that she is willing to tell you about OM rather than taking the typical WAS cloak-and-dagger approach.
That's the one thing about her that I love. She is truthful.
She feels really comfortable with me. She's able to open up with me, more than anybody she knows. That's why I think she says she feels so negative and depressed only around me. Does that make sense? Sort of like a child who shows his parents his dark side but appears to be an angel around strangers. It really hurt when she said she is only negative and depressed around only me. I find that hard to believe and want to chalk it up to "don't believe and damn thing they say".
Thanks for replying as. That silver lining lifted me up a bit.
I'm at that low point we all go through. It f*cking hurts!!!
I soooo know how this feels. I was feeling this way a couple weeks ago. It was the worst I have felt since BD. Here's what I did; maybe it will help you. Instead of trying to fight the bad feelings, I just let them come. I leaned into them. And I found that they were not bottomless, as I had thought they were. I also remembered that plowing through the hurt (rather than denying it) is healing. So I thought of it as a good thing that would help me grow and propel me forward at some point.
After a day long pity party, I remembered that I get to decide whether I am going to be a victim, and I get to choose whether to be happy. So I wrote a list of things I was grateful for. And I won't lie. The things were like, "being alive (grumble grumble)." and "cheese." But, then I reached out to some friends, I went to yoga (I love the mental aspect of yoga), and I added some more things to my list. (My friends and yoga, for starters.) And soon enough, I realized I didn't feel so bad anymore, and then I realized that wow, I am really resilient! I no longer need to wallow in my pain and self pity. I can feel the feelings and let them go.
Remember that you are still you, and you are still worthy, regardless of what your W does. Her decision to date someone else does not reflect poorly on you, 2TH.
Hang in there . . . it will get better. Focus on you, not on your W.
Thank you Melissa
I'm sitting here crying while I'm at work. I'm supposed to be demo'ing work but I'm here by myself and just feel like crying. So I'm taking your advice and letting these tears pour onto my phone.
I have to keep telling myself, that I made it out alive before. It's just the feelings of guilt and shame are strong right now. I know I f*cked up and it's painful to say and realise that.
Back to crying on my ladder...
So after having a pity party for myself at work I do feel better. Who knows for how long though.
Today was strange but expected. My ex is all over the place. Very hard to have a conversation with her. We agreed that we'd take our son swimming today after she was done work. Later on I text her to verify a pick up time. She texts back saying she is on the fence about me coming. Says she doesn't want to make it a habit. Then she says she will do laps while I swim with him. I just tell her to have fun with him and i'll just drop him off. This confuses her so she calls me. I restate I'll just drop him off. She then says(about it becoming a habit(I'm actually confused by that statement)), s3 will want to go more and that I'll probably need to buy a pass. I say ok sounds good. Then she says she doesn't know if I'll have to pay for s3. I'm still confused as to why she was saying this in regards to it becoming a habit. Bad backtracking attempt? Anyway, I tell her I'll get s3 dressed and I'll pick her up from work(she works down the street) and take them to get water wings then I'll drop them off at the pool. On the way to get water wings she says maybe she'll soak in the hot tub while i swim with s3. Shes got some nasal infection and feels off. I say sounds good. While getting water wings she says that maybe WE should take him to the play structure in the facility. I say sounds good. Then she says maybe WE should just get some fast food and eat at her place while discussing s3's nursery school options. We ended up doing the last option. See what I mean about her not being able to make up her mind!!!
During all of that, she asked how I was doing(surprisingly I was in a better mood than she was). I said I have a million emotions going on. I have enough tools to figure it out. I swear she loves the drama that comes with me being hurt even though she says she cares and doesn't want to hurt me.
Later on she decides to tell me something about om. Damn, am I writing om now in my posts!!! She tells me he is fb friend's with a very close friend of mine/family. I resist the urge to say anything regarding him. She just says small world eh?
I'm mind reading here, but it really does feel like she's baiting me into arguments.
During our fast food run, I assumed she was just buying herself something. So I ordered what she wanted and proceeded to drive thru. She basically snaps at me and says arent you getting anything?! I tell her that I didn't hear she was buying me anything. She says "you drive her crazy sometimes", "I asked you where do we want to eat?". I stayed calm and just said sorry, I didn't hear you say that. She then continued on about me driving her crazy. I just kept my mouth shut.
The evening was weird but I'm guessing it's par for the course based on my situation.
She says "you drive me crazy sometimes"
I really gotta proofread. I keep forgetting edit doesn't work.
Man, you are riding the roller coaster! You need to state something, "I will drop off S3 at 5:30pm", and stick with it, then leave.
Take it from someone who was up/down/up/down/up/down like every other day...
Oh, I wish I could have baby steps. I haven't had the opportunity to show off my 180s, he hasn't been around to see them or spoken to me to hear them. He picked up D from school and had dinner with her and his cousin this past Friday evening. While I sat alone in a booth at Outback Steakhouse, pretending to be out and busy and having fun. I was miserable; we don't get to have family dinners anymore. Savor those moments, the little encounters, and keep doing what you're doing...a great job. You're not out of the woods yet.
Funny how other people's situations seem better than our own.
I savor family dinners and anything else that's a positive. Sometimes I feel like a detective looking for anything positive. Btw, our family dinners aren't quite what you'd expect. Usually it's something quick like pizza. The odd time it has been a little more extravagant. And by extravagant I mean steak with veggies. No candles or dining room table. We sit at the living room coffee table or her 2 seater kitchen table. Regardless I savor those moments.
Man, you are riding the roller coaster! You need to state something, "I will drop off S3 at 5:30pm", and stick with it, then leave.
Take it from someone who was up/down/up/down/up/down like every other day...
I don't really mind when she can't make up her mind about trivial stuff like this. It's how she's always been. I've learned through years of practice to accept her many foibles. It's when she changes her mind about the relationship or tells me about new guy or is depressed for some reason that I get very anxious. Learning about om was a very low point. I have to get back to higher ground. In other words, detach.
During all of that, she asked how I was doing(surprisingly I was in a better mood than she was). I said I have a million emotions going on. I have enough tools to figure it out. I swear she loves the drama that comes with me being hurt even though she says she cares and doesn't want to hurt me.
I think at some level although they don't want us anymore, they still want us to pursue as it's an ego boost for them. So yeah, she doesn't want to hurt you but at the same time she wants to know that her leaving hurts you. Just project PMA and if she asks how you're feeling/ doing just say "GREAT!" If she pushes for more info tell her about your GAL efforts. Project to her that you are going to be fine whether with or without her.
She tells me he is fb friend's with a very close friend of mine/family. I resist the urge to say anything regarding him. She just says small world eh?
I'm mind reading here, but it really does feel like she's baiting me into arguments.
Yeah, that sounds like baiting. If not for an argument then at least for an emotional response. She's trying to make you jealous. WAS's can revert back to a junior high mentality pretty quickly. LOL!
During all of that, she asked how I was doing(surprisingly I was in a better mood than she was). I said I have a million emotions going on. I have enough tools to figure it out. I swear she loves the drama that comes with me being hurt even though she says she cares and doesn't want to hurt me.
I think at some level although they don't want us anymore, they still want us to pursue as it's an ego boost for them. So yeah, she doesn't want to hurt you but at the same time she wants to know that her leaving hurts you. Just project PMA and if she asks how you're feeling/ doing just say "GREAT!" If she pushes for more info tell her about your GAL efforts. Project to her that you are going to be fine whether with or without her.
She tells me he is fb friend's with a very close friend of mine/family. I resist the urge to say anything regarding him. She just says small world eh?
I'm mind reading here, but it really does feel like she's baiting me into arguments.
Yeah, that sounds like baiting. If not for an argument then at least for an emotional response. She's trying to make you jealous. WAS's can revert back to a junior high mentality pretty quickly. LOL!
I can totally see her acting like a junior high kid. I was browsing through my newsfeed on fb(man I hate fb but use it for other purposes), when I saw her latest post. She says she is feeling special.... What a great day. Man that irritates me and I know that it shouldn't. She usually posts that her day was great when a client does something nice to her. This time there was no mention of a client. Argh. It's so hard to get the notion out that this new guy is gonna sweep her off her feet. I really have to keep reminding myself that the beginning of all new relationships people will do all kinds of "special" things.
I need my anger to come out a bit more and use that anger positively.
AnotherStander, took the words right out of my mouth in regards to her baiting you, acting like a kid, and that you shouldn't tell her how you're really feeling/doing. In the few times, that H and I speak he always makes sure to ask me how am I doing/feeling and I always say good or great and nothing more. And when he can't get information from me about me he asks our D. "What's mommy doing, where's mommy, etc." It [censored] that she just tells him, because I feel like I lose ground. But hey she's only 3.
Family dinner was in the living room on the coffee table for us as well. In fact, one week after the BD, he came by with pizza and we all ate; he came to see D that was the original plan of the visit but it didn't pan out that way. But that's a whole other story. Point is, ours weren't Norman Rockwell family dinners either, but I miss them.
I'm gonna need help. I'm thinking of writing her some sort of last resort letter/email.
Any advice or tips or anything regarding a last resort letter?
After today I feel humiliated and hurt and my anger is really trying to protect me.
Will post more later. I want to make sure I don't do anything stupid.
I'm no expert. Obviously. But I wouldn't write the letter. It might sound like an ultimatum and she might not respond the way you want. Is a last resort letter one of DB or DR techniques? I haven't seen it in DR but I haven't read DB. So if it's not one of the techniques or if it isn't part of your coaching tips, I wouldn't do it. But don't just take my word for it, wait for one of the experts to respond before you give her any letter.
Or you can write the letter as some sort of therapy exercise and then destroy it. You know, for your eyes only. That way you can get it off of your chest but not cause any damage.
I think I'm gonna hold off a bit on my letter. I don't want her to see me emotional or reactive.
I'm definitely backing way off of this situation after today's fiasco.
She texted that she wanted to take our s3 swimming and that she wanted me to look after him on sat because she has plans(we all know plans means to feel special with om-that makes me wanna puke). I also have plans sat so I knew I needed to figure out a proper way to discuss this with her. I was with a good friend so I didn't respond right away plus I was trying to figure out how to say what I wanted to say. I get home a few hours later. She even called a few times and I didn't respond. I was still planning my words. Finally she texts and asks that I call her. Mind you it's probably only been 3 hours since her initial text. I call her and decide to wing it. Starts off pleasant enough. She says she off work at 7 and to drop s3 off at the pool for 7:30. I say ok. Then she asks why I didn't respond right away. I was stumped. All I could think of was the time she didnt respond to my text about s3 til the next morning(her phone was off for the first time in history-probably because she was with mr. Special) and the many times she waits hours upon hours or doesn't even reply back. So I just said I was mirroring her and didnt want to.... I get cut off and she starts getting really upset. Defending herself like crazy. Saying stuff like "I knew you did this on purpose" and "I didnt respond that one time because my phone was off" and "I always respond right away". I call bs but whatever. The call went on for a while like this. Just random relationship talk which she constantly contradicted. Ie. she said she knew I would change as soon as I found out about om(remember I was at her place the other day acting remarkably normal). I took the bait. I said how do you expect me to feel/act, I lost someone. She says if the roles were reversed she wouldn't be feeling/acting like me. Then a few breaths later tells me I'm not the only one in pain, she lost me too. And also that she is gonna go through the same pain when I meet ms. Special. Let me get this straight... Basically she doesn't get why I feel the way I do, but she does? I swear I'm going crazy.
What has prompted my anger to resurface is the many times she has said the last 7 months didn't matter, pretend like it never happened(she later said she didn't say that or mean that). The many times she has said that its the same thing over and over again, things haven't changed. That comment irks me because I respond that we rarely fought during our 7 month reconciliation(I take great pride in the work I put into myself for 2 years to change my negative behavior-I have successfully diffused many arguments and have become a validating machine). She then brings up something else. I should know better to engage in an argument. I just got to a breaking point when she said this comment, "you're the only person to make me feel like this!". That brought up so many emotions. I felt like such a failure. I was absolutely humiliated when she said that. I wanted to tell her that I won't accept being told these things. I know how f'd up she is though. The comments she makes verify this. Ie. she says I make her feel sh*tty, annoyed, irritated, depressed etc. I tell her I'm tired of making her feel like sh*t when my intentions are good. In her very next breath she'll say "if I'm so sick of you I wouldn't have invited you over for 3 hours the other day". YET she got upset with me because that was 3 hours she could've had alone time with him. YET she was the one who offered me food and invited me up to discuss nursery school options.
YIKES!!! This has to be proof that I need to show her unconditional compassion. Maybe even pity her. I swear she has bpd mixed with bi polar mixed with depression mixed with anxiety mixed with schizophrenia. Ok she's probably not all that but just hurt.
So basically my goal is to figure out when she's about to go crazy and DISENGAGE!!! I fear that disengaging will cause her to lash out so ill have to be prepared to calmly say that I feel myself becoming reactive, can we talk when I'm centered again. Hope this works.
Ill post something I'm grateful for to counter some of my negativity above.
I'm grateful that I have my son the majority of the time. I'm not sure how long this arrangement will last but I'll take it for as long as I can.
Ps. I think I need to update my sig
Oh I forgot to say that she played the martyr and is deciding to stay in on sat. This was after I calmly said lets find a solution. I know there will be resentment on her end. I tried coming up with a solution. I even offered a coin flip to which she replied it was juvenile. Later on I even told her I changed my plans so the option to go out with mr. Special is open. She declined many times. As If I didn't understand after the first time she texted it.
Hi 2ndTimeHurt,
I am sorry for your difficult situation. I have to say that you are engaging in too many dead end conversations with her. I don't blame you, as you want to talk sense into her, but they do tend to backfire. If you aren't talking to a DB coach, I suggest you do, so that you can get clarity on what is going to bring her closer and what is just going to give you more of the same. Your coach will also help you compose a last resort letter, when the time is right. Take care and I would look forward to talking to you further.
Thanks Karen
I'm so conflicted. Since I've been in counseling(for my anger), I'm finding it very hard to let my anger out without feeling guilt. I'm almost feeling like going back to what I did before. And that's kill her with kindness. Find the compassion to see that she is hurt. Be that happy goofy guy she fell in love with.
I don't for sure know though. It feels like such a betrayal to date so soon and say the 7 month reconciliation didnt happen.
I'm sure ill figure something out. For the time being I'm being dark.
Ok vent time.
I dropped my son off at my ex's tonight. She wanted to talk so she invited me up. I was calm, happy and upbeat. She seemed upset as usual. It seems to me that she can only show vulnerability to me. She wasn't upset with me but other stuff, her mom her job etc. I went into the kitchen to throw something out and what do I see on the f*cking kitchen counter!! A damn flower card from mr. special or captain wonderful or whatever the f*ck his name is.
The one thing that kept me from losing it was this guy has handwriting like a girl and he sounds like a girl. What kind of guy does this.... Xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Now I know my ex is going crazy. She was never one for this type of affection but she's eating it up now.
Ok. I'm done ranting.
Maybe I'm not....
I have primary custody of our son. Not legally but it's supposed to be 50/50 but I've had him since Sunday. Am I the only guy here who thinks it's weird that the mother spends less time with her child than the father? If I didnt say I was going out tomorrow id have him tomorrow as well. I know I have the vehicle and I know it's extra difficult to get him to daycare without a vehicle but still. I actually don't mind because I get awesome bonding time with him, but it makes me so sad and I feel guilty that she doesn't spend more time with him.
All I know is this s*cks.
I went into the kitchen to throw something out and what do I see on the f*cking kitchen counter!! A damn flower card from mr. special or captain wonderful or whatever the f*ck his name is.
Ugh. I'm sorry you saw that.
Not to mind read or anything, but is it possible she left it out so you would see it?
That's just what popped into my head. I take it (hope) that you said nothing about it?
What kind of guy does this.... Xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
LOL! Haven't they only been dating for like, 3 weeks?
Am I the only guy here who thinks it's weird that the mother spends less time with her child than the father?
I'm not a guy, but I think it's weird. I suppose it's possible that some women just don't have that maternal instinct, but I am guessing she is just going through crisis right now and can't focus on your S. I feel badly for her, honestly, because I think that at some point she is going to regret how much she has missed out on during this time. I get feeling sad, but don't feel guilty - this is clearly not your fault, and it's not something you can fix. Look at it this way, you are lucky that you get to spend so much time with your S. Enjoy it!
All I know is this s*cks.
I don't think anyone here will argue with you on that one.
I'm almost positive she left it out for me to see. Just like AS has stated they revert back to junior high mentality. I kept my mouth shut after I saw that.
They've been dating for 3 weeks but probably only see each other 1 or 2 times a week. Which makes me think this guy is creepy but she's eating it up. I have a good feeling this is gonna blow up in her face but the fear of it turning into something long lasting scares the sh*t out of me. One of these days she's gonna have to confide in him for something. She can't keep bottling it up to explode on me. And when she does that, if this guy has half a brain; he will see all kinds of crazy. I've spent years and lots of history(having a child together), to learn to accept her crazy. At least that's the excuse I tell myself. I really hope one day I can post on my thread that this guy in fact was a creep and that he also sensed her craziness and called her on it and she finally gets that wake up call and realises I actually am a decent guy. Bits and pieces of that happened last time... 3rd time a charm right?!?
There are many reasons why I feel guilty. Some are valid and some are not. Still feels sh*tty though. I am very very very grateful that I get to see my son so much. My brother thinks she suffers from some kind of mild lingering postpartum.
One thing about last night that I regret is she weasled out what my plans are for tonight. So much for being mysterious. I told her I was going to do some electrical work for my friend and that he wanted to take me out. Also that his wife wanted to show me something. I didnt tell her what though. So I guess that's a bit of mystery.
So I had a blast last night with some buddies. During the day I spent about 5 hours doing some electrical work at my friend's house. Then he took me out to dinner with his wife. She wants to do reiki on me. Should be interesting. Then my buddy and I headed out and met up with another friend. Had a great time. I was a super wingman for my friend who has been single for a while and has been in the dumps lately. I picked up some girls for him. He's a shy guy so I had to do most of the work. I'm shy too but sometimes I'll come out of my shell. Anyway, we all went back to his place and stayed up til 8 am. I can't remember the last time I did that. Haha. Let's just say he was a lucky guy. I was a good boy and just entertained the other girl. I felt young again so I guess that's a plus.
Today was a decent enough day. I picked my son up from her place. She needed some help with her tv so I offered to help. We talked a bit about random stuff. I was calm and upbeat considering it kills me knowing she's dating mr. Special. She's been a little more calm around me the last few days and also a little more chatty over texts. Oh ya, she even called yesterday because she was having problems with our son. She said he wanted to see me. So I took that bait and picked them up(she was with her sister that she hasn't seen in over a year because the rest of her family basically disowned her). So much for her not wanting any family time. So back to today... She told me she swallowed her tongue ring just like I did last month. She was having problems getting a new one in so I helped her with that. Very weird that she let me touch her tongue. Ill take that as a positive interaction I guess. Haha.
Anyway, she still seems like her depressed self mixed with happiness and some positive interactions with me.
So that's me acting "as if" I am normal. One day at a time til all the pain and hurt are gone.
2TH, thanks for your kind post on my thread.
It sounds like you are doing well, GALing and acting as if with your W.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other . . . you are doing great.
2TH, thanks for your kind post on my thread.
It sounds like you are doing well, GALing and acting as if with your W.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other . . . you are doing great.
Thanks Melissa. I can't wait for the day where we are all not in this dark place. Sure we has some candles or flashlights, but it would be nice to see daylight. I hope your sitch takes some kind of positive turn soon.
I'm trying my best to act "as if" now. I find that I need to break my plan down into one or 2 or 3 easy to remember steps. There is just so much info that I've covered I feel overwhelmed. Be mr compassion because she is broken, act "as if" im normal, and disengage. A positive is that I'm finding myself validating her almost subconsciously now. I don't really have to think what I'm supposed to say.
Let's see what kind of excitement this week will bring. Haha
2x,
I found it interesting that your wife was berating you for not immediately responding to her texts. My wife likes to drop off the radar screen at times, but often scolds me for not answering my phone promptly. Sometimes I don't have it with me, or I may just have the ringer turned down. She likes to try to make me feel that I am not dependable because I don't immediately answer her. My job is to let her know that I am not obligated to even carry a phone with me.
I'm not sure why your wife expects you to be available to her upon demand. While she's carrying on another relationship? Only a fool would be available!
Your wife sounds like she's just using you to fix her problems. She's having fun with her other guy, but knows to call you to handle her day to day difficulties. I'd restructure your role with her if I were you.
2x,
I found it interesting that your wife was berating you for not immediately responding to her texts. My wife likes to drop off the radar screen at times, but often scolds me for not answering my phone promptly. Sometimes I don't have it with me, or I may just have the ringer turned down. She likes to try to make me feel that I am not dependable because I don't immediately answer her. My job is to let her know that I am not obligated to even carry a phone with me.
I'm not sure why your wife expects you to be available to her upon demand. While she's carrying on another relationship? Only a fool would be available!
Your wife sounds like she's just using you to fix her problems. She's having fun with her other guy, but knows to call you to handle her day to day difficulties. I'd restructure your role with her if I were you.
I agree I need to restructure, but I gotta find a balance. I don't want to play into her thinking that I haven't changed and give her more of a reason to justify why she left. It's about perception. She has a negative perception of me and I really don't want to play into that. I really want to be that guy only a fool would leave.
I'm already dim/dark right now. I don't ask questions about her new guy or what she's been up to. If anything she initiates texts and asks what I'm doing. What I struggle with is her assumptions about me. This is where I have to be mr compassion even when my anger flares up. If she gets upset with me based on her perception I have to take the high road and be mr compassionate. I know she is broken and has many issues. It's hard though.
I still want her to know I have her back because she is the mother of my child. So if by me listening to her rant about her mom or friends ill do that. How long will I do this I do not know. The last time she broke up with me I was there for her and I know that opened up her eyes about the guys she was dating. Just little things like I would ask about her new job while the guy she was dating didn't. I'm not going over and beyond but just everyday simple conversation. Women like to talk about themselves. I don't think it's overstepping any boundaries by me listening to her or asking about her day from time to time.
Who knows though...
Mind reading time? Or maybe it's doing something different and seeing what happens.
What I've been doing differently is keeping my mouth shut regarding other dude and what she's been up to. I even saw mr special's flowers he got her. I didn't say a word. I'm being upbeat/calm/happy when she expects me to be heartbroken/needy/angry/jealous etc. I haven't initiated any texts/calls.
So my ex texts me around lunch time asking how our son has been. I tell her some funny stuff he's done. Usually that would be the end of it. She kept the text going a bit which really surprised me. We all know how she likes to not text back but expect me to jump to the pump. Then tonight she actually calls me. I can't remember the last time she called to ask about our son. I told her he was sleeping but I could wake him so she could say hi. She declined. We ended up talking for a while about random stuff. Clothes we need to get our son, colors she wants to dye her hair(she mentioned she doesn't want to go to a hair dresser. I used to dye her hair. Ya I know), she asked where I took my son yesterday(I posted a pic on fb of him playing at the arcade), she even mentioned she wanted to come by here tomorrow for a family visit. She even said goodnight first(it's pretty sad that I think it's a positive that she actually said goodnight). After the call ended she texts me again. Telling me her tv still doesn't work. We texted for a bit about nothing really. Here's a 180 for me, I let her be the last to text. I actually didnt reply back! Mind you it wasnt a question or anything, but it's still a 180 for me to just end a conversation. I never end conversations. I've always been like that with everybody. When my ex and I first met we would stay on the phone until morning or until she fell asleep on the phone.
So those are a few things that I've noticed. I just want to journal here that she in fact does bounce around on what she says. I really need to fully understand that her words(especially when she's mad), mean absolutely nothing. I repeat, her words mean squat, diddle, nothing...
I have a question. You know when people say be that guy she fell in love with. Does that sort of thinking still apply to me? I have a hunch that is what turned her around the first time she left. Either way I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing. Going out, lift weights, read, listen to music, play my guitar, flirt with women, have fun with my son, cry in the shower every once in a while etc. One day at a time...
2nd, I like how you're being a friend to her...not too much just enough to keep her contacting you. Great job on the 180s. May I ask how is your son handling this? My daughter's coping mechanism right now is pretending that daddy is here. A couple nights ago we played hide-and-seek with him (but he wasn't actually there). Weird. Asking because our kids are the same age.
2nd, I like how you're being a friend to her...not too much just enough to keep her contacting you. Great job on the 180s. May I ask how is your son handling this? My daughter's coping mechanism right now is pretending that daddy is here. A couple nights ago we played hide-and-seek with him (but he wasn't actually there). Weird. Asking because our kids are the same age.
Hey dylis
About my son. It's very weird. It's like he has no clue what's going on. Maybe because he went through this before? I'm pretty much the primary caregiver even though it's "50-50". I've had him since Sunday night and I'll probably have him til the weekend. When he's with me the only time he calls for mommy is when he's having a meltdown. Which isn't too often. When he's with her she tells me he misses me and the day she met her sister I had to come and et them becaused he wanted to see me. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for this. I feel he needs to see her more often but it is what it is and I'll gladly take this time to bond with him.
About last night. A bit of misunderstanding on my part. She had a girls night out last night and is supposed to come by tonight. I just assumed/had no expectations last night when she didnt call. At least she called today to verify for tonight. I appreciate her calling rather than the usual text.
On a side not I'm glad she had a girls night out. 2 reasons. She needs it and it's one extra night she's not with captain awesome. Tonight will be another plus.
Anyway, I gotta keep my attention/focus on my son and myself, while maintaining PMA when I'm around her. I'm tired of setbacks and would prefer to do whatever it takes to not have another one.
Tonight I did some more 180's and got more verification of how flip floppy and unreliable she is(like I need more verification,haha). We agreed I'd just pick her up from work at 7 then head to Walmart. She texted me later in the day to meet at walmart. A classic example of how she always changes her mind/plans. I say no worries meet you there. Usually I'd text beforehand to make sure the plan is still on, only to have her say we already discussed it. So I 180'd and decided to go with said plan. 8 o clock rolls around and I'm in Walmart parking lot. I text her and get no response so I call and still no response. She texts back saying she's running late(mind you she's off at 7 so she went somewhere). My mind reading skills suspect she went to get a quick workout in with her boss. Anyway, she finally shows up at 8:30 wearing sweats and looking kind of rough around the edges. Her perception of me is that id make a stink over her being late(i used to but counseling helped me with that, i havent made a comment about her being late in 2 years. And she is always late). I asked if she did a workout, but she said she did in the morning. I left it at that and said nothing more, another 180. But I am wondering why she was in her sweat pants and jogging shoes. Surely she didnt meet up with captain awesome looking like that!
So we're walking around Walmart and she's getting all upset because she can't decide anything. She does that and I just keep suggesting things to her, more for my amusement because I'm telling her to get batman shirts. Haha. So we decide to eat at my place. She buys a few things to eat(she refrained from buying pop because she said she's not drinking pop anymore) and we head home. We actually had a decent time making food and eating. She even suggested playing rockband but it was getting late.
We're sitting on the couch and she starts playing with her phone(Facebook). She's showing me her ex's before me for some reason. I 180'd huge here and acted like I was interested. Here's where I get pissed off inside. As she's showing me her phone I see that captain stupendous texts her twice. She didnt even turn the phone away from me. I tried to read it but her phone is cracked into a million pieces I could barely make out the words. Another huge 180, I said nothing. Honestly I wasn't even that mad. I just told myself this girl is damaged and I should feel compassion(pity, haha) for her. She has no clue what she's doing. She is so oblivious of the pain she caused me and all the responsibilities she's left me with. I'm basically raising my son myself yet she thinks it's a 50/50 arrangement. I'm the one who tucks him in, I'm the one who feeds him, I'm the one who brushes his teeth, I'm the one who takes him to daycare and picks him up, I'm the one teaching him all my catchphrases. I honestly don't know when the last time she bathed him.
She tells me she thinks she needs to see a doctor. I get worried and ask why. Did I mention I think she's a hypochondriac? I read being a hypochondriac is a sign/symptom of depression or bipolar or bpd, I can't remember. Regardless I believe she is one. Anyway, she tells me she's having her period(yay, douchebag can't get action from her this week). She said she just had her period a couple of weeks ago. She was self diagnosing and is worried it could be anything?!? I actually do have compassion for her because her sister has some health concerns and she got them around the same age.
It's time for her to go home but she wanted a pit stop at the drugstore to get tampons and POP!!! I thought she quit drinking that stuff.
I seriously want to know what's wrong with her. I want to know not to fix her but for my own sake. I love solving puzzles or riddles, kind of like house(from that show house Md).
Anyway, I think I handled tonight fairly well considering I'm still in love with her. I'm really in fake it til I make it mode. I did that last time and it seemed to work well for my sanity.
I seriously want to know what's wrong with her. I want to know not to fix her but for my own sake. I love solving puzzles or riddles, kind of like house(from that show house Md).
Anyway, I think I handled tonight fairly well considering I'm still in love with her. I'm really in fake it til I make it mode. I did that last time and it seemed to work well for my sanity.
OMG, me too. Like really is he wired differently? If so, how? Let's find out. Lol. Cat scans, MRIs, zap certain parts of his brain and see what happens. A puzzle indeed.
From your story, your girl is puzzling and I can see why you would want to know what's wrong with her. But my bit of amateur advice is that before we can know what's wrong with them, they have to know what's wrong with them. And until they figure that out and are willing and ready to share that with us it's something we should not even worry or think about. Remember... take care of yourself and your son. And I plan to follow my own advice, I got to practice what I preach.
Oh one more thing...I noticed that most of your postings are posted kind of late at night, after or around midnight. I just want to make sure that you are sleeping. (You see I just can't turn off mommy mode.) But then it could be the server time, IDK.
"From your story, your girl is puzzling and I can see why you would want to know what's wrong with her. But my bit of amateur advice is that before we can know what's wrong with them, they have to know what's wrong with them. And until they figure that out and are willing and ready to share that with us it's something we should not even worry or think about."
The thing is, she has told me some stuff that is wrong with her and she does acknowledge it, sometimes. Then she reverts back to she's happy and full of self esteem and strength. It really does seem like a mild mix of anxiety, depression, bpd and bipolar. She even told me a past counselor said she might be suffering from manic depression(bipolar). But that was a long time ago and from a counselor not a psychologist.
About my late postings. Ya I'm just wired like that. I don't usually need too much sleep. That was one of the things we had in common. We would stay up really late. Sometimes I'll get in a power nap later in the day when I can. The server times are also a little out of wack.
The thing is, she has told me some stuff that is wrong with her and she does acknowledge it, sometimes. Then she reverts back to she's happy and full of self esteem and strength. It really does seem like a mild mix of anxiety, depression, bpd and bipolar. She even told me a past counselor said she might be suffering from manic depression(bipolar). But that was a long time ago and from a counselor not a psychologist.
You kind of proved my point because you're placing all of these labels on her, or one big multi-level label. She could be this, she could be that, she could be a mix of this and that, counselor said she might be this (but it's a counselor). Might be this and could be that is not actually knowing what it is. I should have added before that until she figures it out, is willing and ready to share,
and is willing to do something about it, you shouldn't focus on it. Not that I'm saying you are focusing on it.
I know I know:(
That's me trying to act like house. She is such a puzzle.
I know what I have to do(PMA, gal, work on my issues), but I have these moments where I think about how damaged she is. And I see glimpses of her realising it. I know that's for her to figure out and I never tell her what I think about her problems. I just listen to her vent and validate.
The problem I'm having is, I've spent the last 2 years working on my problems. I'm kinda running out of things to work on. Although I know it's a life long process, I found it easier/more fulfilling when I knew I had some really big issues. It was like I was in university again and studying everyday. I know im not the same person i was 2 years ago. I guess it feels like im taking the same courses again. I should ace the exams this time:)
I've been happily single and even dated before. I've reconciled and been really happy. And now I'm hurt again trying to pick myself back up. I think I'm feeling a lot of regret or guilt that I failed again. I know in time this will pass...
"....is willing and ready to share, and is willing to do something about it,"
I think this is the part that makes me feel guilt and regret. She was willing and doing something about it. I just didnt know how to piece properly. I know where I screwed up during the piecing process.
Tonight was alright I guess.
After she got off work she texted that she'd be home after she helps her friend look for an apartment. She'd let me know when she's on her way. Well she just ended up at my place unannounced. Weird but typical I suppose. We chit chatted and had a laugh that I left the stove on. She said that was her move. She talked about her giving birth to our son and how amazing it was for her that she did it naturally and it was really smooth. Her friend gave birth recently but she took drugs to numb the pain. I guess thats what brought up that conversation. Regardkess I like when she talks about our good memories.
We both needed stuff from Walmart so we went. After picking up a few items she asked what I was doing tonight. I told her I had a few plans. I'm not quite sure if she asked me over for dinner but that was the vibe I got. She asked what I was going to eat. I just bought some chicken breast and asked if she wanted some. She said sure so I guess I was coming over for dinner. On our way to her place she wanted a snack so we got some fries. While she was driving i offered her some fries but she took it like i was feeding her. Like we used to always do. It felt oddly comfortable and strange at the same time. We end up making dinner and all seems fine. I don't ask her anything about mr special and I'm generally just being pleasant. I spent the majority of the time just listening to her. I did mention about a new job and my cousin. She asked how am I'm "really" doing. I just said that I'm good. Although I did cry a bit at work today. I'm usually strong then I have moments of weakness where sadness just consumes me. It s*cks.
So I guess things aren't too terrible considering she was so cold to me a couple of weeks ago. She went from wanting no family nights to having dinner with me twice this week. Obviously our son is with us this whole time.
I have to block out tomorrow night because I'm sure she's hanging out with captain cool.
Feeling down and I know why. Not quite sure why I'm posting today. Maybe to just get it out. I know I have to divert my attention. Ack!!!
I'm gonna just sit here right now and enjoy watching my son eat his pancakes while watching some Sesame Street.
K, this is just a commentary or narration of what my day was like. No getting hopes up, no mind reading, but it was a weird case of déjà vu.
My morning/afternoon was great. Took my son to an indoor play structure and we had a blast. He had so much fun running around and sweating up a storm. My ex called while I was out with him. I 180'd and didn't even invite her out. She asked what I was doing for Super Bowl. I told her I had no plans but couldn't watch at my place because I cancelled my dish. She invited us over. I show up around 6 because my son has late naps and I had to pick up a few things she forgot to get. We make some nachos and pita pizzas. I 180'd every time she tried to push my buttons. There were no arguments. In fact I can't really remember the last time we fought. I must've dodged like 5 attempts at her trying to start something. Whether intentional or not on her part, the old me would've walked right into an argument with her.
We talked about a bunch of random things. It was nice being able to just talk. She mentioned she doesnt really like her family right now. She does that from time to time. She feels judged by them and rightfully so i might add. She asked what I did this weekend. I told her I played wingman again(even though I didn't, I was planning on going out with my buddy but that fell through). She asked if I was interested in the other girl. I don't think I really answered that question. I just told her she was tall and had lots of tattoos(my ex has a lot of tattoos as well). I also told her I went out with another girl(a good friend from highschool who she thinks I had sex with). But again that plan fell through and I just stayed home. She then told me she went late night ice skating. I'm assuming it was with captain cool but I pretty much kept my mouth shut. I don't ask anything about what she's doing but she sorta weasles info out of me(am I sorta being mysterious to her now?). She also told me she went to bed at midnight last night. Which totally surprised me because she is a night owl and she was out with cool dude. I simply said that it was nice that she got a good night sleep. She also told me she picked up hair dye. Which is par for the course for her changing her mind all the time. I told her a few days ago that I could help if she were to dye it. She said she would get a hair stylist to do it in a few months time. Anyway, I ended up dying her hair(I did that for her the last time we broke up).
I've noticed she sings in my truck all the time again. Singing "our" songs, which are basically my favorite bands that she likes to sing along to. She's mentioned before that she only feels comfortable singing in front of me. A lot of the things that happened during our last break up are happening again. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but it does make it hard for me not to read into things. Even though it's hard I will continue with the no expectations, fake it til I make it, PMA, gal, lifting weights, having super fun with my son(he likes to play my guitar now, so cute) etc.
She even wants to come by tomorrow after she's done work. I hope she does for my son's sake. Who knows, maybe we'll play some rockband. Our son loves watching us play, he even sings into the mic and strums my guitar for me. No expectations, in fact I'll expect that she bails.
You say that things are playing out like your last break up. You guys got back together. I don't want to get your hopes high either, but maybe this is a good thing in that she might come back, so parts of history might get repeated here. If it does, at least you know where you messed up last time that caused the reconciliation to not hold, the piecing process (from your previous post). So don't let that part of history repeat itself.
But I think you need to distance yourself more from your W. It seems like she has too much access to you and you're doing too many favors for her, IMHO. You don't want it to turn into a cake eating situation. I think you need to set boundaries or firmer boundaries. Again, I'm no expert, it really is just an opinion.
She asked what I did this weekend. I told her I played wingman again(even though I didn't, I was planning on going out with my buddy but that fell through). She asked if I was interested in the other girl. I don't think I really answered that question. I just told her she was tall and had lots of tattoos(my ex has a lot of tattoos as well). I also told her I went out with another girl(a good friend from highschool who she thinks I had sex with). But again that plan fell through and I just stayed home.
So all the above were lies? Don't do that! It's OK to get out and GAL and be mysterious about it, but don't build a web of lies. It's like Judge Judy says "if you always tell the truth then you never have to work hard to remember what you said." The more lies you stack up the more trouble you'll have remembering what fake woman you went out with on which fake date. But guess what, WAS's have staggeringly accurate memories about such things. She'll remember, and when you slip up and get your lies mixed up think about what message that conveys to her. She'll think SAME OLD LYING, CONTROLLING, MANIPULATIVE JERK HE ALWAYS WAS. Please note I'm not saying this as a moral judgment on the lying, I'm just saying that the WAS is looking for ANY and EVERY excuse to hate the LBS and if they catch them in lies then they'll make a huge deal out of it.
She asked what I did this weekend. I told her I played wingman again(even though I didn't, I was planning on going out with my buddy but that fell through). She asked if I was interested in the other girl. I don't think I really answered that question. I just told her she was tall and had lots of tattoos(my ex has a lot of tattoos as well). I also told her I went out with another girl(a good friend from highschool who she thinks I had sex with). But again that plan fell through and I just stayed home.
So all the above were lies? Don't do that! It's OK to get out and GAL and be mysterious about it, but don't build a web of lies. It's like Judge Judy says "if you always tell the truth then you never have to work hard to remember what you said." The more lies you stack up the more trouble you'll have remembering what fake woman you went out with on which fake date. But guess what, WAS's have staggeringly accurate memories about such things. She'll remember, and when you slip up and get your lies mixed up think about what message that conveys to her. She'll think SAME OLD LYING, CONTROLLING, MANIPULATIVE JERK HE ALWAYS WAS. Please note I'm not saying this as a moral judgment on the lying, I'm just saying that the WAS is looking for ANY and EVERY excuse to hate the LBS and if they catch them in lies then they'll make a huge deal out of it.
I was wondering if someone was gonna bust me on that. Funny thing is, I don't usually lie. I think those are the two times that Ive lied to her in maybe forever. I guess lying cant be a 180 huh? My honesty is what she likes about me, but it's my honesty that she hates as well. You're right As, lying is horrible and I won't do it again. I think I was trying something different;)
You say that things are playing out like your last break up. You guys got back together. I don't want to get your hopes high either, but maybe this is a good thing in that she might come back, so parts of history might get repeated here. If it does, at least you know where you messed up last time that caused the reconciliation to not hold, the piecing process (from your previous post). So don't let that part of history repeat itself.
But I think you need to distance yourself more from your W. It seems like she has too much access to you and you're doing too many favors for her, IMHO. You don't want it to turn into a cake eating situation. I think you need to set boundaries or firmer boundaries. Again, I'm no expert, it really is just an opinion.
I think if she starts sending me songs of her singing and telling me her new guy isn't what I think it is, that will be super déjà vu.
I tried distancing myself. In fact I listened to her about not wanting family time. I don't ask but if she wants to see our son I have to. Maybe I can pretend to be busy but I think that might fall into the lying category. I think for me to be distant it's giving her a few days with no contact which I've done. I don't think it's realistic for me to go any longer. Also, the cake eating thing was part of the last break up. Haha. I guess it's not funny. You guys are right though. She needs her space from me and I think I've given her more during this break up. I know every situation is different so I have to take into account how bizarre my ex really is compared to the normal person. I mean that in a good way about her. She really does march to a different beat.
Wow is all I gotta say. I really think my ex is in some kind of... I dunno... Something crazy. Where is her mind?!?!? Why is she asking me if i mind that she talks about mr he's-just-like-me?!?! He doesn't get jealous so he's soooo cool!! I'm really working over time in having compassion/pity for her. It's déjà vu again but the bad parts. I'll write more later. She's having a shower at my place right now?!?
I'm gonna get her to step on my back because it's sore... Since he won't be jealous about that or her having a shower here or me dying her hair or us having dinner or her drinking out of my cup or me feeding her mouth fries etc.
I wish I could get angry and do highschool sh*t.
Tonight was a weird one. My ex wanted to see our son so I picked her up from the gym because it was getting late. It's a quick drive but a long walk so I didn't mind picking her up. She wanted snacks so she picked us up some stuff. I appreciated the gesture. As we're walking into my place she asked me how my dating site is going. I was kinda stunned because I didnt tell her I had one, I only mentioned the dating sites from the last time we broke up. Anyway, I got a sick feeling because the last time she mentioned something like that was because she didnt want to feel guilty being "happy". She wants me to have someone to ease her guilt. She actually told me she doesn't want to feel guilty that she is "happy". I hate these bad déjà vus.
She tells me about how he is just like her in that they're both care free and not jealous people. What made me scratch my head was she asked me what was the right thing to do regarding having family time. Her mom disapproves of her spending time with me. Thinks it will confuse my son. I want to tell her mom to mind her own business. But my ex is adamant she wants to have family time. That's a 180 for her from 2 weeks ago! Anyway, why is she asking me; if I think it's a good idea, she doesnt care about what her mom thinks and her new boy toy doesn't get jealous. What's the problem?!? She confuses the hell out of me sometimes. She says she's gonna ask for advice on this. Just weird man. For someone who does what they want when they want why can't she figure this out on her own?!?
At least she admitted she's living in a fantasy world. I even told her Ive waited to hear those words from her. Too bad she was meaning it in a different context. She wants her new toy, my son, me and my future partner to all get along like a happy extended family!! I just said no one knows the future. That comment upset her. She thinks that comment means we're getting back together. As I'm sure you guys know, what I mean is I want to be happy with whatever happens in the future. I just want to be happy and I know I will be with whatever happens. I've been down this road before.
So during this stupid conversation she initiated I just had to tell her something. Something that I knew would upset her. But it was so upsetting to me I just had to say it. She told me before that I'm the only person she knows that makes her feel so awful, annoyed, depressed etc. I told her straight, that comment hurt me so bad and that I wouldn't even want to be with someone who feels that way about me. She just had that sad look on her face. From that point on I was determined to be happy for the rest of the night.
We headed downstairs to play with our son. This is when she decided to have a shower. Wtf? Just weird. My compassion/pity hat went on here. How warped do you have to be to do this? It's like she's possessed or something. I just told myself I'm going to be happy and get my back stepped on because it hurt from work today. She comes back from her shower and I'm playing with our son. She comments on how awesome the shower head is and we make friendly chit chat. We played with our son for a bit and it felt good having the 3 of us doing that. She says that her feet need a massage. Here's where I do something stupid. The part of me that wants to piss the other guy off comes out. I call it being the wedge. So I decide to pull a wedge move. I start rubbing her feet. And she's enjoying it and I'm thinking to myself, how could her new dude approve of this behaviour? My ex must definitely not be thinking straight. Oh well, I'm in wedge mode. Btw, all the other nice things I do for her are not to be confused with this wedge tactic. I'm genuinely being nice to the mother of my child and truly enjoying any family time my son gets. I must've massaged her feet for like 20 minutes. I'll be honest, along with working on myself and trying to become happy, I' can't promise I won't pull out the wedge move again.
Anyway, we put our son down for bed and by this time it's really late because she was enjoying her foot rub so much. We had a really good family bonding experience. Usually I read him like 9 books but my ex wanted to read to him. He says "no, daddy read!". I didnt want her to feel left out so I tell him mommy and daddy will read together. So we read some books at the same time and it felt really good doing that.
So he's sleeping now and I want my back stepped on. She gets on my back and man did it feel good. It's probably bad for my back but it felt good. After that she decides to give me a 2 minute Pilates session. Strange indeed.
I think my mind is a jumbled mess. I've spent 2 years brainwashing myself into becoming a better person. Namely my anger and having true empathy for my ex. Those 2 things are making it hard for me to heal quicker. Is that even valid? Should I not want to heal as quickly as possible? After hearing what my ex was talking about tonight I just want to be angry to help with killing all the other million negative emotions I'm feeling. I want to know that her new r will blow up in her face. Why do I want to find peace in knowing that her new r won't last? That he's not mr perfect and she has way too much baggage for a normal guy to handle. I know I'm not supposed to care what she does but I care that she finds out on her own that he is in fact a douchebag. I want that déjà vu again. I want him to screw up this perfect persona because she will let him have it. I'm such an ass for wanting this but I think my anger/fear wants to come out.
Ok. Time to settle down. It was nice to get that all out there. Ill go back to living life like my mother Teresa poem....
Oh, here's a real question. Should I 180 and talk about om? I did this last time but this time I'm trying to just keep things non r stuff. The only difference is that when I talked about who she was dating in the past I was also dating. The only positive I can think of by me talking about om is that it will prevent talks like tonight from happening. Or maybe it will seem less like a secret to her and maybe the excitement will wear off. There are many negatives though.
Wow, well I don't really know what to tell you. You seem kind of "all over the place" in what you want with your ex. I guess my question to you is what is all this interaction with her doing to you? Does it hurt you, or are you detached to the point where you can give her footrubs and have her walk on your back and you don't have any expectations that it means anything? Regarding your question about whether or not to talk about OM my question would be the same- does that hurt or upset you or are you ambivalent about it? Her R with OM is brand new, so at this point there is nothing you can say or do that is going to help your sitch any I don't think, especially considering you were never M'd. So do what is right for YOU. If going dark will help you detach then do it. I think you're having too many interactions with her considering her R with OM, and that she is never going to learn to miss you at this point. But it's your call.
Wow, well I don't really know what to tell you. You seem kind of "all over the place" in what you want with your ex. I guess my question to you is what is all this interaction with her doing to you? Does it hurt you, or are you detached to the point where you can give her footrubs and have her walk on your back and you don't have any expectations that it means anything? Regarding your question about whether or not to talk about OM my question would be the same- does that hurt or upset you or are you ambivalent about it? Her R with OM is brand new, so at this point there is nothing you can say or do that is going to help your sitch any I don't think, especially considering you were never M'd. So do what is right for YOU. If going dark will help you detach then do it. I think you're having too many interactions with her considering her R with OM, and that she is never going to learn to miss you at this point. But it's your call.
I know I'm all over the place. Truthfully, the om situation hurts me. There are days where it doesn't bother me much but then there are days like today where I'm in pain.
I've learned to act or behave in a way where I have no expectations regarding my interactions with her. Hope for an unknown future sure, but I know not to expect anything. I honestly have a good time with her and I want to believe she does too. I know the person she is now isn't really who she truly is. I do see glimpses of the girl i fell in love with. She bounces around so much with what she says and does that it's becoming easier to not believe anything she says. Any time she talks about the future I just ignore it.
What makes hanging out with her easier(and I've mentioned this to my counselor many times), is my ability to see it as family time. I have zero urge to bring up any r talk. I'm taking things one day at a time and I really do have that quote ingrained into me. "If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway." The other voices in my head battle that line but for some reason I always end up feeling like I should be kind, anyway.
I think the reason I'm all over the place is because it's still early in my sitch and the fact my ex started dating so early plus the lovey dovey stuff she said before bd and her drastic depression she went into(suicide talk) to her "acting happy" like nothing happened.
I bet she barely remembers that she was actually my fiancé.
About her missing me. As, is there a time and place to go dim and let her miss me and a time and place for her to really enjoy my company? I'm torn between doing something different and doing what worked last time. It seems to me that I feel most comfortable doing a mix of things. I do that with everything in my life. A little bit if this and a little bit of that.
Also what's your take on going dim? How would you define it?
Thanks.
I have a question so if you want to skip the part about my son scroll down. But I'm sure you guys want to know about my kid. Hehe
Ok, I think I've calmed down a bit from this morning. Played some guitar and had lots of fun with my son today. We played some indoor ball hockey. He's gonna be quite the athlete. A little bit about my little monkey to lighten the mood. He was born 2 weeks late(my ex had an all natural birth and labour only lasted a few hours!) and came out with a full thick head of hair and very very proportionate(my uncle said this regarding his facial features). First thing people say is "he's so cute" and "look at that hair". I'm Japanese(Canadian) and my ex is Italian so he has these huge eyes with a hint of Asian. He weighed 9lbs and a half oz and just over 21". He's a big boy. He already weighs 40lbs and he's only 3 and a half. He is very proportional though. Muscular even. He was already starting to walk by 6 months and at 9 months he was comfortable walking on his own. He's a master on the Xbox and iPhone. Hes such a smart kid.
Anyway, i have another question for you As or anybody else who wants to chime in. Since Ive already experienced a reconciliation and I'm familiar with what one is "supposed" to do, is it considered a game or manipulation employing "tactics" to get another reconciliation? Let me clarify. I know I'm supposed gal, have PMA, detach, etc. Even dating was a part of the process. I did eventually become detached when she came back but everything I did including time passing enabled me to get there. I know all those things are for me only and a reconciliation may or may not be a by-product. So if I know I have to gal, PMA, detach, eventually date; does that mean I'm playing a game or manipulating?
I ask this because even after the first time I became fully detached I still knew if my ex came back I would want to try again. It feels like I may be playing a game/manipulating(maybe those arent the right words) because I've been down this road before and I sorta know what to expect. Maybe I'm supposed just do all these things for myself(regardless of what anyone thinks, including myself), not think of any outcome or what she's doing and if reconciliation is that by-product again so be it?
Any answers are welcome but I think I answered my own question. Or maybe I answered my question wrong:(
Straight forward question there 2TH,
There is a nice way Michelle addresses this exact question in her book but I can't seem to find the page???? I feel the same way. Almost guilty now that everything seems to be working. Like I've just abused my H's connection to me and made him bend to my commands. But Michelle says something like - you didn't make the mistakes in the beginning and if you knew what you were doing was bad for the R you would change your ways wouldn't you? so because your changing your ways by refocusing on yourself how can it be bad if it fixes other things in the process.
I could be completely wrong also but this is how I interpreted it.
Thanks greymatter
I remember a part in db where she talks about "it" not being manipulation. I'll see if I can find that section again and re read it.
I dunno, there is a part of me that feels like it's game playing/manipulation. I gotta figure out a way to not think that and just do what I do.
Well, the last reconciliation didn't last. So maybe doing the same things just to get another reconciliation isn't really what you need. What did you NOT do last time, that you could do to make the reconciliation (if there is one) last this time, and if not, could help you with another R someday?
Well, the last reconciliation didn't last. So maybe doing the same things just to get another reconciliation isn't really what you need. What did you NOT do last time, that you could do to make the reconciliation (if there is one) last this time, and if not, could help you with another R someday?
The reason the last reconciliation didnt last was because I didnt learn how to piece properly. My focus wasn't where it needed to be. I have a few ideas on how to piece better but first I need to get that r.
gosh learn to piece properly?? what do you mean by that?
I need to learn these things.... trying to absorb as much about piecing as possible! please elaborate!
gosh learn to piece properly?? what do you mean by that?
I need to learn these things.... trying to absorb as much about piecing as possible! please elaborate!
There's a bunch of things specific to my situation(find out what is specific to your situation and work on those!!) but there are some general things that I did not do. I thought I was being patient but I was not. After a few months I just assumed we were as strong as ever. The way I see it now, our r was on very fragile ground and I didn't treat it like that. I thought I wasn't rushing things but looking back I did.
One huge mistake I did was I focused all my energy on how to fix us. I tried so hard to fix how to communicate. That's a huge mistake. I shouldve focused on everything or at least on other things. My ex wanted to live the relationship and not talk about it. I was confused by that at the time. I easily could've continued learning or reading on the side but instead I became a bit resentful because I thought she didn't want to try. I could've just enjoyed the relationship like she suggested and worked by myself on the side.
Another huge mistake was our counselor. It felt like every time we went there we were happy, but when we left we felt angry. If I ever get another chance I will definitely seek a counselor who is pro marriage and offers solution based therapy. Our "problems" were so easy to fix but our counseling sessions were basically us talking back and forth with no progress forward. No solutions. Just a bunch of he said she said. Or our feelings are valid. Where were the solutions?!?! It would've helped so much if our counselor said "what's an issue?", and then "well, let's try this or that". I know it's probably not as easy as that but I'm sure it would've benefitted us more than just talking about our feelings and saying they were valid.
I'm sure there are a lot more to piecing but those are things for my situation that would've helped. Bad luck also screwed us up. My ex wanted to get a IC but their communication via email was so bad that she just gave up. She couldn't even get scheduling done right for her first appointment and sadly that counselor was the only one available at the centre we went to. Sure my ex couldve gone somewhere else but she was still a scared squirrel and I thought that couples counseling was a good first step.
ok wow, thanks - this fits my sitch very well atm so I'm going to copy this and paste in my thread if you don't mind, I'll need to look back on it. That's where we are at right now. It's been almost 2 months of me not 'talking' and its doing my head in. I realise he hates it and refuses to do it - he is one of those 'live in the moment' types - always has been. But I like to talk things out so I feel like I need to just make sure my IC is regular. It's all about gathering as much info as possible isn't it? Thank you for being an inspiration to the ones following behind you.
Hi Grey. I was going to suggest that you post and read through the Piecing Forum but then I see that you have and unfortunately you aren't getting the responses you want. Unfortunately, I haven't reached that stage so I don't have any specific pointers for you. But like Labug posted in your thread, you will find some answers if you keep digging: check out the archives, read DR because the 7-steps are pretty much (veterans correct me if I'm wrong) the steps needed to piece together your new relationship, and continue using this community...don't get discouraged due to the lack of response. We (me and 2ndtime) know how you feel about that, I posted about it last week. Keep posting in your thread so that when I get to my piecing stage I can refer to your story for inspiration. God bless you and your family through this.
Now, to give 2x some feedback, you know since this is his thread
. I am so glad that you shared where you went wrong in your piecing process. Like Grey said, it helped and will help others. On another note, what have you been doing for yourself lately? Any new things to aid in you GAL? How's your S? I didn't know how to respond to your previous posts about the recent roller coaster ride your W took you on, so I prayed about it. I think she's using "family time" as a bait to lure you into her craziness. She knows you love her and she is taking advantage of that. Remember, the going dark (dim, in your case) and GAL steps are for you to separate yourself from your spouse so that she can go through whatever it is that she needs to go through alone and for you to go through your own demons. That way you won't get "taken for a ride" and she won't be able to continue to put blame on you. So, when her R with Mr. Amazing blows up, she can't blame it on you, because you weren't around to sabotage it. Just some food for thought. God bless you and your family as well.
"ok wow, thanks - this fits my sitch very well atm so I'm going to copy this and paste in my thread if you don't mind, I'll need to look back on it. That's where we are at right now. It's been almost 2 months of me not 'talking' and its doing my head in. I realise he hates it and refuses to do it - he is one of those 'live in the moment' types - always has been. But I like to talk things out so I feel like I need to just make sure my IC is regular. It's all about gathering as much info as possible isn't it? Thank you for being an inspiration to the ones following behind you."
No problem! Copy and paste away! I had to laugh a bit, I'm not sure I'm an inspiration to anyone:( Even though im not a god person(is that a respectful way of saying that?), I really appreciate your prayers. That was a very thoughful thing to do. Thank you very much!! I'm really glad you found my info useful. That makes me feel good. Just keep remembering this beginning phase is super fragile. Never build up resentment, your h will probably frustrate you, but be the bigger person; always(at least til the relationship is stronger). Work on things in the background while your h lives in the moment. He may open up and talk about how to improve the relationship and that's great but if he wants to continue living in the moment let him. If you change he will change to. I'll have to visit your thread and check up on you.
"On another note, what have you been doing for yourself lately? Any new things to aid in you GAL? How's your S?"
Hey dylis, hope you're doing ok.
Well I've slowed down on the going out and replaced it with playing more guitar. I've neglected that thing for a while and I'm super rusty. I've been writing a few songs and I really like the way they are coming along. One of my songs has words(no I'm not a good singer) and the other is just instrumental so far. I'm not much of a poet but it's still fun to write lyrics. I should maybe take some guitar lessons but money is tight right now.
I've started working for another buddy of mine who owns his own electrical company and got offered to work a couple days next week for another company. Hopefully that company pans out and they offer me steadier employment. That's the thing with trades, sometimes it's slow and you don't work as much as you'd like.
My son is doing awesome. He's so funny. I think he's going through a growth spurt. He's an eating machine lately. I gave him a long bath today because he loves playing with his batman figurine in there. He went swimming with the ex on Wednesday. Surprisingly she came over for a late dinner/snack. I didnt even invite her she just came over. Well, actually I picked them up from the pool and she hopped in the drivers seat while I was buckling up our son. She just ended up driving to my place and came in. I didnt say anything and acted normal. We had a good time doing family stuff. She even did the dishes(small déjà vu).
"I think she's using "family time" as a bait to lure you into her craziness. She knows you love her and she is taking advantage of that."
I'm not sure she's baiting me into her craziness. She claims to be "happy" right now with captain awesome. I think she thinks she's happy and is comfortable being around me somewhat. I'm still pretty sure she has no clue what she's doing or thinking or feeling.
"So, when her R with Mr. Amazing blows up, she can't blame it on you, because you weren't around to sabotage it."
If it's anything like last time, she won't blame me but blame guys in general. When it blows up she'll say guys are douchbags. Also, last time she praised me for being such a stand up guy even though I was the ex.
But that's enough mind reading about her today. On a side note she is taking our son both Friday night and Saturday night. I don't care about why she has those nights off, but I really care that she will have our son for 2 nights!! He needs to bond with his mommy.
Today was a dim day. No interactions with the ex but i'll see her tomorrow when I drop my son off.
Sorry, I just realized it was dylis who sent the prayers. Thank you very much! My bad, I feel embarrassed thanking the wrong person and now I have to retract my thanks and send them to the right person, but that would be awful to do that so I'll just say I appreciate both of you and everyone else who has supported me.
Seriously, why is there no edit button!!! I do this from my phone and it's a pain to re read sometimes.
Anyway, i have another question for you As or anybody else who wants to chime in. Since Ive already experienced a reconciliation and I'm familiar with what one is "supposed" to do, is it considered a game or manipulation employing "tactics" to get another reconciliation? Let me clarify. I know I'm supposed gal, have PMA, detach, etc. Even dating was a part of the process. I did eventually become detached when she came back but everything I did including time passing enabled me to get there. I know all those things are for me only and a reconciliation may or may not be a by-product. So if I know I have to gal, PMA, detach, eventually date; does that mean I'm playing a game or manipulating?
It all depends on your motivation. WHY are you GAL'ing and detaching, is it a tactic to get your W back? Or is it because you want to make yourself a better, more independent person? Let me give you an example- early in my sitch I told my W I was going out, then I went out to eat and had a couple of drinks by myself. I intentionally waited as long as I could so that I would get home after W. I walked in hoping she would ask where I was and who I was with (she did neither). ^^^NONE of that is detaching or GAL'ing. That was 100% tactics, I was doing it purely to "wake" W up. Looking back I just can't believe the desperate things I did early on, it's borderline embarrassing to even think about them, much less discuss them.
So, if you're doing things thinking "maybe if I do X and Y then she'll start to notice my differences, but if I do Z then she won't like that so I better not to it." Well that's not GAL, that's tactics. WAS's can see right through tactics, it makes them think "same old controlling LBS, just doing that crap to try and lure me back and get their way."
But if you think "I've never tried X, Y and Z and I would really love to, so I'm going for it!" Well THAT is GAL. And THAT is what you should do and how you should approach things. Your W should not even be a consideration in your GAL efforts, they are for YOU and YOU alone.
I ask this because even after the first time I became fully detached I still knew if my ex came back I would want to try again.
And that's fine! You can detach and GAL and still have hope for your sitch. That doesn't necessarily mean you're GAL'ing as a tactic.
It feels like I may be playing a game/manipulating(maybe those arent the right words) because I've been down this road before and I sorta know what to expect.
Drop the expectations. There's no reason to expect it'll play out the same as last time. It probably won't. I'm not saying you won't reconcile, just saying if you do it'll likely be a different journey than it was last time.
Maybe I'm supposed just do all these things for myself(regardless of what anyone thinks, including myself), not think of any outcome or what she's doing and if reconciliation is that by-product again so be it?
Exactly!
Thanks As.
Ill admit some of the things I do have multiple angles to them. For instance, having family time. It's super important for me to do that regardless of outcome. At the same time if it creates a wedge between her and cool guy then I'm for that too.
As for the gal'ing, the reason I lied before was to create mystery. Stupid I know but there isn't much mystery to me in her mind. She knows I have our son pretty much 100% of the time. Not much mystery there. The other stuff I do as far as gal'ing is concerned is strictly for me. I don't think by me playing guitar or lifting weights is going to make her come back.
"Drop the expectations. There's no reason to expect it'll play out the same as last time. It probably won't. I'm not saying you won't reconcile, just saying if you do it'll likely be a different journey than it was last time."
What I meant by "expect" was that both you and I and everyone here knows what to do. We expect to come out happy regardless of the outcome. We know "if" our was's come back they want to come back to a happy and confident person. But like you said, do everything I do for myself and forget about everything else. Man, I gotta stop talking in circles. Actually it helps to do that. Haha.
Thanks again As. Also how do you define going dim? There is less grey area to going dark but it seems to me that going dim has a larger grey area. I guess it depends on the situation?
Well going dark is initiating no contact at all and only responding to contact as minimally necessary to discuss financial issues. Going dark is really only possible if there are no kids involved. Going dim is basically going as dark as possible with the understanding that you have to maintain a certain level of contact because of the kids. Someone here used to say "keep all contact to bills and boys" which is kind of going dim in a nutshell. You've got to maintain contact to coordinate dropping off/ picking up/ school projects/ homework/ sporting events/ practices/ unexpected costs/ medical issues/ medication/ etc. etc. I know that in my case that is quite a bit of required contact, almost to the point where I don't know if I'd even call it "dim" in my case.
Some people say they are dim/ dark with their live-in WAS, but I just don't think it's possible when under the same roof.
I agree As. Going dim is not really going dim I'm my case. More like turning the lights on and off, with night lights on and some flashlights. I guess it really does depend on the situation. When there are no kids involved, disappearing seems so easy. That's what I used to do until my current ex.
Anyway, not much to report today other than I'm dropping our son off in a bit. Then I gotta pick him up at 8 am because she has some work training. She will take him tomorrow night as well. I'm happy for them. They need some quality time together.
Oh I feel awful. I had a late night last night and forgot to set my alarm. My ex called me 18 times but my ringer was off. I feel so bad. She was an hour late for work training.
One good thing is that when I was apologizing she said that she is not mad at me because this is highly unlike me. She was more worried about disrupting the meeting. Man I feel awful.
I'm not sure how I can make it up to her.
Not to make light of what happened, but at least you created some mystery without having to lie. And you can think of it as a 180 since it's so unlike you.
Haha.
Not really a mystery since she knows what I did. She asked what I did and she knows all my friends. I can't really say I'm going out with a friend because she'll say did you go out with so and so. And she'll kinda make fun of me for saying "friend". She knows it's like I'm playing a game if I say the word friend. Maybe I need to make new friends.
I don't think 180's count if I'm too drunk to remember to set my alarm and forget to pick them up. Haha.
On the plus side she did send some nice texts today about my goof. She said she hopes I feel ok, said she wasn't mad and that she's sorry if she made me feel bad. She was just frustrated, understandably so. I made it up to her by buying her a milkshake and a wrap. Not sure if that's enough but she accepted it. I ended up staying for about an hour and I could tell she was tired so she wasn't very talkative.
One thing I'm kinda wondering is that when i was out lastnight, she said she wanted me to call her in the morning. I wonder why. Oh well. She also sent me a picture of her artwork she was working on. Also texted for a bit because she couldn't sleep.
She's taking him swimming tomorrow so that should be fun for him.
Anyway, that's about it.
Boy I gotta learn from my ex on how to be mysterious. Haha. First she says to call her in the morning but I was too drunk to wake up. Then today she says she feels like crying with no explanation. I assume it was because she's been feeling really fatigued lately.
Today was a fun family day. She actually invited me to go swimming with our son today. She mentioned she wanted to go for 1 but I didn't hear back from her til about 3. She said she took a nap. Then she says to meet at her place for 3:30. She doesn't come out til close to 4. She seemed really tired or upset or sad. I'm not sure but something was off. I just asked if she was ok. Swimming was fun and we all had a blast. I just ended up taking my son home because she said she was taking the bus. I suspect to go out. I'll just take today as a pleasant day and leave it at that.
I stuck to my 180's of not questioning or getting upset that she was late. I've actually had about 2 years of practice with not getting upset when she makes me wait. But the questioning 180 still takes a conscious effort.
I think it's a spaghetti night for me. Mmm.
A little journaling...
Today she wanted to see our son. I picked her up from work and we picked him up. She was in good spirits which was good to see. I picked up a few groceries and she wanted to go back to my place. She made one of my favorite meals she used to make. She joked that was the reason I wanted her to come over. I guess she didnt realise she was the one that wanted to do a family thing. We had a good dinner then she dyed her hair again while I played with our son.
She then asked about me dating. I just said I have a couple of options but whatever. She tells me that when I'm ready I'll be able to date. That's a déjà vu. I have no clue why she asks me about that stuff. Guilt most likely. Another déjà vu is she keeps telling me that she doesn't go out late anymore and she doesn't like drinking. Almost like she's trying to make me not worry about her. Her words were "I'm not gonna stay out late, and don't worry I mean that".
She wants to take our son swimming again tomorrow and actually wants to keep him overnight Thursday til Friday. This is a 180 for her. I can't remember if she ever had him overnight during the week since she's moved out. Last time we broke up she was upset that she didnt get to see our son as much while she was dating. I guess she realized that dating does take away time from your child. This is another déjà vu.
One thing that is bothering me is stupid valentines day. She spent our whole relationship bashing vday. I mean, she was adamently against it. I still did small stuff on that day, like a small gift and sushi or something. I know she has plans that day and I can't get the thought out of my head that mr. Special is gonna wine and dine her. I know it's early stages of their relationship and she'll probably eat it up. I need that day to pass ASAP!! I'll admit I gotta stop conjuring up stories.
On the plus side she has been acting very friendly with me. She apologizes for not texting back right away(surprisingly I don't care if she doesn't respond quickly). She makes dinner and invites me to hang out with her and our son. I really do understand that all of this means nothing but it's just nice that we're not fighting or angry. That has to be a positive.
One thing that kinda popped into my mind today... She has my initial tattooed on her neck. She got it when we reconciled. I have many thoughts regarding the tattoo but I'll leave those thoughts in my head.
Anyway, after hanging out for a bit tonight she went to her usual pool night thing. That thing that bothered me during our relationship. She plays pool with that guy she had casual sex with during our break up. They continued to hangout one on one during our reconciliation and it bothered me. Not in a jealous way but a respect way. I'm pretty confident now that I could probably finally meet this dude. I guess it doesn't really matter at this point though.
As far as what I did today not regarding her... I worked on a job that my boss left for me while he's away on vacation. It gave me a sense of pride knowing he trusts me to do a job by myself. I actually did a pretty good job as well. Played with my son as usual but with the ex this time. He's really into bedtime stories right now so I read him a bunch. Played my guitar for only a bit today. I also had a late night online gaming session with the guys. We're trying to find more days to do that and that really helps with diverting my attention.
K, now can Friday come and go so I can get on with my life. Such a bad day to be single. There should be a special day for people like us. Lbs day!!! Maybe I'll celebrate lbs day on the 14th as well. Who's with me!!!
Just a short post tonight. Journaling how flip floppy my ex is. She texted that she wanted our son Thursday night til Friday morning. I say sounds good. Then she says to call her. She calls me and says she wants to do Wednesday nights til Thursday. I say fine. Then she texts that she can't tonight or tomorrow but will take him Saturday night til Sunday. I say whatever works for you. She was taking him swimming tonight and asked me to meet her at the pool. Then she calls and asks to get picked up because the buses are off schedule. I say sure.
I seriously have no problem with any of this. I basically expect this behavior from her. I actually had plans to meet up with a girl on Thursday, but then I rescheduled for tonight but then I bailed on tonight. I guess I can blame my ex for being so wishy washy, but honestly I don't really care too much about meeting that girl. I think the girl is gonna can me because I was being flakey. Again, it is what it is and I'm not gonna lose sleep over it.
On a side note, my ex was appreciative that I picked my son up from the pool and actually said good night to me.
Just a short post tonight. Journaling how flip floppy my ex is. She texted that she wanted our son Thursday night til Friday morning. I say sounds good. Then she says to call her. She calls me and says she wants to do Wednesday nights til Thursday. I say fine. Then she texts that she can't tonight or tomorrow but will take him Saturday night til Sunday. I say whatever works for you. She was taking him swimming tonight and asked me to meet her at the pool. Then she calls and asks to get picked up because the buses are off schedule. I say sure.
I seriously have no problem with any of this. I basically expect this behavior from her. I actually had plans to meet up with a girl on Thursday, but then I rescheduled for tonight but then I bailed on tonight. I guess I can blame my ex for being so wishy washy, but honestly I don't really care too much about meeting that girl. I think the girl is gonna can me because I was being flakey. Again, it is what it is and I'm not gonna lose sleep over it.
On a side note, my ex was appreciative that I picked my son up from the pool and actually said good night to me.
hi...sounds like you are taking things in stride. Dont forget to treat yourself good too. If your ex says she wants night X and you make plans I seems fair that you can keep them if they are important to you. Does thst sound fair. If she's just changing around it doesn't mean you have to just to kerp the peace so to speak.
Hey Paul thanks for stopping by.
I am taking things in stride. Believe it or not but i do still know and accept my ex's wonky behavior. She's always been the type to be so indecisive. My plans weren't really plans yet and I didn't want to lie(thanks as) that I had plans made. Honestly I was fine watching my son for the night and staying in. It is a weekday after all.
I also know that she felt bad about changing things around. There was no feeling of entitlement on her part. She was genuinely upset.
Let's see how many times she changes her mind today:)
I'm probably gonna get some 2x4's.
I had the day off today and was running a few errands. I decided to get her a picture frame and fill it with pics of her and our son for vday. I also got my son to help make a card. He had fun playing with the glue stick haha. Anyway, while I was out I offered to bring her a coffee. I do that from time to time and it was something I always did for her during our relationship. It's part of my be kind anyway thought process. Zero expectations. She responded instantly and said she wasn't at work but would be back shortly. She wanted a salad so I got her one. She then texted if I could pick her up since I was just down the street from her(she actually refuses to accept anything from me, but she usually does... That's her flip flopping mentality). I missed that text so she took the bus back to work.
I met up with her at her work to drop off her salad and coffee. She then proceeded to talk my ear off for over an hour. We shared some laughs and just talked about random things. She talked about how she helped her friend clean out her apartment and wanted to take all the garbage bags in one trip. She hates taking two trips and she even mentioned to her friend that I would bug her about that. This is the same friend she told about me having more muscles before. She just kept wanting to talk. She said she had to go to the bathroom and asked if I wanted to wait. I told her at this point I should go.
If anything hanging out with her was pleasant and enjoyable. Plus it adds to my being a wedge between her and new guy. I just want to say that my wedge moves aren't things that I normally wouldn't do. I'm just going with the flow and if it happens to be a wedge move then so be it. If she wants me to dye her hair or rub her feet or text me artwork at 2:30 in the morning or go swimming with our son or have a family dinner etc. I'm all for that. Man after reading that last line she sure does a lot of stuff with me. This new dude can't have any idea what she's been up to. Whatever, I'll get that thought out of my head.
As for me... This nice girl(online dating-my profile says just friends and socializing) asked me out this Saturday but I'm reluctant to go because we haven't even met yet. It's actually to go to a vday bash at the convention centre. She will be with a group of her gf's. I'm not sure how comfortable I'll be hanging out with a bunch of females I've never met for a vday party. Just seems weird to me. I asked my buddy to come but he hasn't replied back yet.
So that's my update for the day. I know I did a bunch wrong today but I feel fine about it. I think that's important... I think.
Gotta make it through today. After seeing my ex's fb post yesterday I really gotta focus on myself and my boy. Tomorrow will be a better day.
I'm gonna have a valentines dinner with my son. He will be my valentine today.
Question. How do I document that I've been the primary caregiver for my son? Do I just journal it? That doesn't sound too official to me. I've basically journaled it here but is there a more official way to do it?
One other thought.
Can I get a "me" for any of you out there dealing with a was that has an om/ow in the picture. I'd really like to read your threads. Maybe even a brief description like when it started or how serious it is.
Thanks!!
Happy lbs day!!
Journal time.
Last night my ex was taking s3 for the night(first time this week). She came by after work and I gave her some leftovers. We ended up playing rockband for the first time in a long time. Déjà vu again. We really did have a good time.
She made a strange comment. She was jealous that everybody(2 people-me and her friend-not together obviously) was going out last night to have fun. Hello! She went out Thursday and Friday night with cool guy.
I drop her off at her place and offered to take out her trash because it leaked everywhere while she was out. It was pretty gross.
I then head over to my buddy's place. We decided to meet up with my other friend but she ended up leaving early. I was also supposed to meet up with that girl from online. The original place had a line up so we headed to another place and met up with that girl. We all had a good time having a couple and watching a live band. My ex ends up updating me on our son and sends a pic message of him sleeping. I send her a vid message of the band because theyre playing a beatles cover(we both like the beatles). My buddy ends up leaving so I can be alone with the girl. After the pub closes we head out to grab some food. I didnt get back home til 5am! Yikes that's late. It was nice to hangout.
This morning the ex sends a text saying sorry for not replying back last night. She actually had nothing to reply back to. The message I sent didnt warrant a response, it was just a video. We're just texting back and forth random stuff right now.
I'm not feeling lonely right now which is a good thing. Maybe I'll play my guitar or some video games!!
Ps. Anybody out there that wants to reply to my previous post is welcome to.
2TH, I am sorry that I don't have any wisdom for you.
I'm kind of confused about your sitch right now. Why are you always driving her all over the place? Do you share a car?
What is going on with her OM?
Do you feel OK driving her places and bringing her lunch and coffee, and all the other things you do for/with her, when there is an OM in the picture?
2TH, I am sorry that I don't have any wisdom for you.
I'm kind of confused about your sitch right now. Why are you always driving her all over the place? Do you share a car?
What is going on with her OM?
Do you feel OK driving her places and bringing her lunch and coffee, and all the other things you do for/with her, when there is an OM in the picture?
I get asked that all the time, about the driving. People assume I drive her everywhere anytime she asks. That's not the case. I will drive her home if she comes by here to pick up our son or I will drop him off or I will pick him up. We live really close driving distance(5 min) and her work is at the end of my street. The driving I do is very minimal. She doesn't have a car and it is wickedly cold here. I've told her before that if it involves our son I will drive. I'm basically staying true to my word. I don't always drive her but I do drive her when our son is with us.
I have no clue about om and I don't care right now. I don't ask anything regarding him. I think I'm just trying to act as if he doesn't exist. No clue if that's right but it does help to get him out of my headspace.
About the coffee and stuff like that.. Hmm. Maybe I don't think it's that big of a deal? Maybe I brainwashed myself into thinking be kind anyway? I really don't know if I'm not ok with it. It doesn't really enter my thought process. I just do it.
I did a little reading and I want to throw one thing out there.
You were on a date with a woman, and you video taped the band to send to yourW, while in a date with someone else.
Man, if I was that other woman and knew you were doing that, I'd be pissed! Be fair to your dates.
You are absolutely right. It was rude no matter if it was or wasn't a date. I think at the time I didn't think much of it because it happened so fast. The band started playing the song so I started recording for myself. Then I got her text so I just clicked it over to her. Either way being on the phone is bad form.
Just to clarify. When I'm on a real date I don't ever take out my phone. I'm not ready for real dating hence the reason I put friends only on my profile. I'm trying something different gal wise. Also, I would never bring a buddy along for a date. That's weird.
"I'm going to mind read you a little.
You buy her coffee and lunches and all that stuff because you hope she will see how kind you are and how you are the better choice."
I can see how it looks that way. Like I've said before though, I may have brainwashed myself and developed another agreement in my head over the past 2 years to be kind anyway regardless of what others think. I battle that agreement at times. Also it's not like I'm the only one being kind. She will buy me coffee or make me dinner as well.
"I did the same thing! It didn't work that way."
I did the same thing and it "worked". Not that black and white though. There were many factors that brought her back the first time.
"You have also entered the friend zone. She discusses her OMen wiith you, she gets meals and coffee's delivered to her......... "
The friendzone idea is something that i thought long and hard about the first time she left. She's always said that we never really got to be good friends(dont know why she thought that, but she did). I eventually came to the conclusion that beings friends wasnt such a bad idea. Its not like we hang out one on one, but rather are able to joke around from time to time. She doesn't discuss om anymore. I don't ask questions about him. Right now I'm not in a place to discuss him. I delivered a salad the one time. Maybe it was one time too many. Who knows for sure.
"I am by no means saying be an Ahole . But you are going out of the way ( yes you are, I know what you are going to say ) to get her to see how kind and giving you are."
Some may view it as going out of my way others may view it as me just being me. I think it's a perspective thing. If I was to view it as going out of my way I would be driving her to work when I have our son. Or I would drive her to her family's house if I wasn't invited. And I think going out of your way is on a spectrum as well. Is picking her up from work when I'm going to drop my son off with her going out of my way when her work is at the end of my street? Maybe. The way I view that is our son gets to see his mom a bit earlier and I don't have to wait as long to do other stuff.
"Trust me it doesn't work. She's got a great " friend" right now who's in love with her and caters to her while she has OM."
It might work and it might not work. It did before and I'm sure there are times where this sort of thing doesn't work, but ifI'm able to be happy with myself I think that's the important thing.
"Back off a little maybe. No more lunch trips and coffee trips and throwing out garbage. She's a big girl, she can do those things."
That's where I'm trying to find out what works for my situation. The garbage thing was just a one time thing and I was in a hurry to leave so I grabbed the leaky bags on my way out. She lives in an apartment so she would've had to leave our son or leave the leaky bags. She was cleaning the floor so I just took the bags like it wasn't a big deal.
I actually have been backing off but I'm still trying to find how much I should back off. I asked As his definition of going dim and I could relate a bit to how he viewed it. Also the fact that my ex told me the reason she came back the first time is embedded in my head.
This may seem weird to you, but the way I detach is by seeing her. I did it that way the last time as well. Plus time needs to go by. I don't really know why it's easier for me to detach when I see her. I have my theories though.
I really appreciate your comments though. It's more info to mull over in my head.
All I know is that some of the relationship goals are being accomplished. One was to stop arguing. We haven't fought in I don't even know how long. The other was for us to be more amicable and actually enjoy each others company. I think those things happened as a byproduct of me working on myself. Not engaging, validating, stopping the sarcasm etc.
If this works for you, then great.
But I will point out one last thing. You said multiple times in that post " it worked the last time"
But not so much, you're back. I'm not saying it to be mean. There are things we do that could most certainly get our spouses back. But for how long? The key is the long term changes in the M.
When my ex and I were dating, he decided to see if the grass was greener with another chick. I got him back with kindness. But the relationship dynamic never changed.
Obviously, same crap happened, only much lee detrimental this time.
Just another perspective
Good luck
I totally understand that. And that's why I brainstormed what went wrong. I figured there were a few key points that would have to be addressed if we were to make it long term.
I also wrote about the piecing process. I screwed that up pretty good. Our counselor didnt help either. Our counselor didnt help find a way for my ex to forgive me properly. It actually wasnt even addresed and i shouldve known to bring it up. I know my ex really wanted to make it work, but she just didnt know how to let go of her resentment. She had let go a bit but not enough obviously. I screwed up majorly in our first ralationship and I worked very hard to change my behaviors. She saw the changes and believed them. There are so many factors involved in making a relationship work. It really is complicated.
So I think my son broke my glasses this morning. Argh. Today is a holiday and it will take time to get an appointment in. Super glue time.
Defused a bomb today.
My ex came over today to visit s3. We joked around through texting on her way over. Probably a good 45 min of funny banter. She stopped by around 2 and hung out for a bit before heading home to pick up medicine for our sick boy. She came back then we headed out cuz I needed to check out some glasses. We both tried a bunch on and it was fun. I made an appointment because it was a holiday and no optometrists were in. Picked up some food then headed back to my place.
Made dinner again and watched some tv. We played with our son for a bit. Then she decided to look through some pictures I got developed not too long ago(the pics were still in the envelope and on a shelf). I told her there would be some she wouldn't like. In hindsight I should've said something positive like there are a few cute ones of us. Anyway I didn't think she would respond the way she did. She got really upset seeing the pics I took where we are all lovey dovey. She said I was manipulating her. I still have no idea how. She asked why I developed those pics and what was I going to do with them. I told her I developed them in response to the very hurtful thing she said to me a few weeks back. Basically I wanted a reminder that we did love each other(I didn't say that to her). Plus I wanted to acknowledge that those 7 months did exist. She back tracked and said she didn't say those hurtful things. I let that slide. She asked again why I did that and that it upsets her. She said a few contradicting things and hurtful things but I just reminded myself to never believe anything she says when she gets like this. I remained calm and offered to drop it. I made a mistake and it's done so lets talk about something else. She kept talking about it but I kept trying to disengage. Finally she relaxed and I could tell she was tearing up and upset. She said she hasn't felt like that in a while. I agreed.
We ended up playing with our son some more and talking peacefully again and joking around. We put our son down for bed and hung out a bit more. She ended going home around midnight. That's like 10 hours she spent with me.
I know people are gonna say stop hanging out with her. I know for a fact she doesn't want to reconcile. I still enjoy family time though. Plus she was the one that stayed that long. It's not like I was pursuing. She left when she wanted to. I just went along for the ride with no expectations. I'm faking it til I make it. Trying to be happy and upbeat. Being a wedge as a byproduct I'm ok with as well.
I know the road to a reconciliation is a long one. It usually happens when you are already detached. Once I'm able to start really dating that's detachment for me. Is there still hope while dating? Sure I guess. No one knows the future.
There was a lot of déjà vu going on tonight. I really can't believe how similar this sitch is compared to last time. My brother even reminded me of it. It's different in the sense things are happening faster and there are more "positives" and less "negatives".
2TH, I'm not going to tell you to stop hanging out with her, as long as you are happy with the sitch right now. Are you sure that you have no expectations? It has happened to me a number of times that I thought I had no expectations, but then I realized I actually did and was disappointed.
Do you think you can truly detach when you see her all the time? I'm asking out of curiosity. I know for me, the thing that helps me detach the most is just being away from my H.
2TH, I'm not going to tell you to stop hanging out with her, as long as you are happy with the sitch right now. Are you sure that you have no expectations? It has happened to me a number of times that I thought I had no expectations, but then I realized I actually did and was disappointed.
Do you think you can truly detach when you see her all the time? I'm asking out of curiosity. I know for me, the thing that helps me detach the most is just being away from my H.
I know it seems very weird. My buddy even says that I do everything unorthodox. I do think differently than most people; one of the many reasons I did get along with my ex. The way I see it, if I detached this way before I can do it again right? I've seen many people on here who are still hurting after many years. I was pretty much detached after around 10 months last time. On top of that we were getting along fine.
Strange days...
I've noticed my ex acting strange/weird/different lately. She seems more friendly and I'm constantly telling myself it's nothing. I go about my days as usual. Her texts are friendlier and she calls a bit more. She doesn't call for no reason though. Usually she needs to ask something. We've had a few family dinners as well.
When I'm out she will ask who I'm out with and what I'm doing. I try very hard to not answer her but she sorta persists so ill just come clean. She did that this morning. She called me this morning to tell me when she wanted me to pick up our son. Then she asked about my night. I told her I stayed at a buddy's house and I wouldn't be able to pick him up right away. I told her I'd pick him up at around 1 because I wanted to get some groceries before getting him. She then said she would come with me. She didnt even need groceries.
Tonight was especially weird. She was out with her friend for her friend's bday. No biggie, I thought I'd have a whole night of no contact(haha, that's me going dim). Her friend posted a pic of the 2 of them out so I gave it a quick "like". That same friend sent me a friend request tonight. I have no clue why she would do that tonight instead of years ago. Anyway, my ex texts me at 2am and asks if I want to grab a late night snack(we always used to go to the diner down the street). I say sure why not. So I pick her up and she starts talking about her night and all the annoying guys she ran into and how her best friend isn't really her best friend anymore and other random stuff. I just listen and listen. So we get to the diner and order food. Then she flat out asks if I've slept with anybody. I dodge the question a few times but she eventually got the answer out of me. Which is a no. She thought I slept around and maybe I should've let her think that but I just wanted to be honest. She thinks im holding on to her more than i actually am and that sleeping around somehow proves to her that ive moved on. I'll just ignore that comment from her. She also asked another weird random question. She asked how important looks are to guys. She said it was because guys kept telling her how pretty she is.
Anyway, I have no clue why she is doing these things with me or why she's asking me these questions if she has mr. Cool guy. I just know I'm fine being around her and I'm not an emotional mess. I think I'm getting used to this roller coaster ride that it doesn't affect me as much. I might not have to get off, haha.
2TH, she sees you as a friend.
Is this what you want?
2TH, she sees you as a friend.
Is this what you want?
I would normally say without a doubt that, ya I want to be friends(obviously I want more, but for now friendship seems doable). It makes sense doesnt it? But after reading what you wrote it makes me second guess a little. I guess that's part of the process.
Well, there are two ways of thinking about it.
Maybe, she sees you as someone she can count on and trust, and she spends time with you and eventually realizes that you are the one she wants to be with.
OR
She is eating cake and you just keep adding the icing. She gets to have the parts of you she wants, while getting the rest of what she needs from the OM (or another OM, if that OM fades out of the picture).
Well, there are two ways of thinking about it.
Maybe, she sees you as someone she can count on and trust, and she spends time with you and eventually realizes that you are the one she wants to be with.
OR
She is eating cake and you just keep adding the icing. She gets to have the parts of you she wants, while getting the rest of what she needs from the OM (or another OM, if that OM fades out of the picture).
I really do understand that. It worked out the first way the last time.
And here's the thing, it's no secret that I have that anger part inside of me still. That anger wants to pull douche bag moves to become that wedge. Will it work? Who knows, but I know no guy with an ounce of self respect would tolerate my ex hanging out with me as much as she does. I know that is an awful thing for me to do, but sometimes the stuff I do with her is genuine family time. Hanging out last night wasn't that though.
I'm sure once enough time goes by ill be in a different place than I am now.