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LRT

Posted By: JJAC2005

LRT - 01/17/14 09:44 PM

Does anyone have any input on LRT and being already divorced from your WAS?
Posted By: JJAC2005

Re: LRT - 01/17/14 09:55 PM

I'm really having a hard time with wanting to drop the ex a line or something....
Posted By: LBH_LC

Re: LRT - 01/17/14 10:01 PM

JJAC, I'm going to be where you are in no time at all, like a matter of weeks.

We have to let go.

They've made it abundantly clear what they want. Trust in God or the universe or karma that things will turn out for the best, whatever that is. Live for yourself. Try and be kind to yourself.
Posted By: lovethehub

Re: LRT - 01/17/14 10:06 PM

Do you have any background you can give on your story? What happened, why are you separated? When was the last time you spoke?
Posted By: JJAC2005

Re: LRT - 01/17/14 10:06 PM

Thanks...I know these things....I truly do.
I just can not believe I still have all this emotion left after a year now.
Posted By: LJC

Re: LRT - 01/17/14 10:23 PM

Sorry you feel that way.. I've been S from my W for 15 months I'm DB like a trooper and get the feeling it's all for nothing. I stop at work and stand there thinking to myself "I can't believe its over!"

The one thing I can tell you is I've taking great comfort and knowledge from these boards, it really does make sense to just go out there and enjoy YOUR life. Sure your W left you for a reason so try and do 180's on them but if she sees you enjoying yourself, your life she may just jump back on board?

Good luck smile
Posted By: LITB

Re: LRT - 01/17/14 10:26 PM

What exactly would you like to know about the LRT? I am sure many of us have a lot of input.

LRT is effective when you sincerely and lovingly let your (ex)spouse go. When you work on your personal growth and you are living independent of your (ex)spouse.

You clearly still have an emotional attachment to your ex. I'd venture to say that the LRT will not work until you completely let go.
Posted By: JJAC2005

Re: LRT - 01/17/14 10:29 PM

its been a long time since I've posted....I have had a few strings on here, I'd point them out but I'm not that savy on tech stuff.
Anyway...for the most part I feel comfortable with everything, and actually most of the time pretty confident that my ex knows exactly what I have learned, what my feelings are and EXACTLY how I still feel about her.
The troubled spot comes with how or even if there is a way to help facilitate more dialog and deepen the friendship between us…so that she can begin to trust that the changes I made are indeed permanent.
Right now, I have not spoken with, or seen her since Nov. 11th, when we had a little lunch date….and honestly, I hope that I am not seeing just the things I want to (I truly don’t think so, there always is that? In your mind, ya know?), but honestly, I do know her pretty well after 7 years, and I am/was convinced that she still has feelings for me…..the whole lunch thing didn’t even have to take place in person. She could have easily blown me off with a letter text or call, and told me to never bother her again…but we had a pretty fun lunch, and it even lasted into the late afternoon…as I picked her up at 12:00, didn’t drop her back off at her car until almost 4:30p. Lots of smiles, laughs, familiarity, even a few flirtatious comments. And one thing for sure when it came to me putting it all on the table and saying that I wanted to reconcile, I did…and like I said, she knows how I feel, she saw my emotion as well as my pain that day. But she has a boy friend, and isn’t thinking the same as I am…. Later that night we even shared a few more texts, in which I sent her a link to watch an interview with a couple that had written a book about their own experience of divorce and reconciliation….I know she took the time to watch it because she asked me a few more questions about 45 mins later. The next day on my way to work I placed the book in the mailbox and just asked that she look at the first 2 chapters….but since then, we have not spoken, so I have NO idea what she read or didn’t. The points I was thinking you might be able to give me more perspective on are about staying in contact now and then verse just being out of the picture completely. And ANYTHING that might help promote dialog I would think be a plus….but maybe not? I don’t know….it does get rather confusing ata times.
However, I am in good place overall….I am back to being the me I lost a while ago, and like I said, I have learned so very much from the entire experience. I just think that in comparison to some of the things I have seen others split over, and then get back together….I am like wow, my [censored], (our [censored]) was small potatoes in comparison.
Her relationship now is a guy from her past, someone she knew as a teen, but lost contact with until we divorced….but he lives about 2.5 hrs away, they see each other about every other weekend. He doesn’t own his own home and he lives with his parents, plus he has 3 kids from previous relationships, 1 that is older, and 2 that live up norther where he has a joint custody thing with them they will not graduate until 6 more years (I think).
So…this is a short synopsis….all I wanted was a little advice on if there was anything I might try, or what?
Posted By: JJAC2005

Re: LRT - 01/17/14 10:46 PM

Originally Posted By: LITB
What exactly would you like to know about the LRT? I am sure many of us have a lot of input.

I quess I am looking for more than the unknown...I know its all I have left, but its such a sucky place to be.

Originally Posted By: LITB
LRT is effective when you sincerely and lovingly let your (ex)spouse go. When you work on your personal growth and you are living independent of your (ex)spouse.

This is what I thought I was doing...but hoped that we were still going to communicate and see each other now and then.

Originally Posted By: LITB
You clearly still have an emotional attachment to your ex. I'd venture to say that the LRT will not work until you completely let go.

OK...so I am still in love, what am I suppose to do about that?
Posted By: LITB

Re: LRT - 01/17/14 10:53 PM

Originally Posted By: JJAC2005
OK...so I am still in love, what am I suppose to do about that?

There is nothing wrong with still being in love. That is how you feel. What are you doing with your time(GAL)? How are you different now than when this all came down? What is going to attract your ex back to you?

Here is a thought. Be the person you would want to date. What does that person look like? How do you get there?
Posted By: JJAC2005

Re: LRT - 01/17/14 11:05 PM

Things are going very well...
life is good....well for the most part, I would have to add that I am still missing my ex and the kids.
However, I have been thru a huge transformation and completely changed in incredible ways.
And I am continuing to evolve as I make my way to the next stages of my life....but I am doing this alone (well, w/o a significant other).
I tried to date...but that went very poorly. So needless to say, I'm not even remotely interested in all the women that are being introduced and pushed my way from family and friends.
I’m not hurting for offers that’s for sure…but I am just not there.

I’m in shape, and active in all sorts of ways….so, like I said, life is good (for the most part) and will continue to get better.
Posted By: LITB

Re: LRT - 01/17/14 11:22 PM

That is ALL good to hear. Sounds like you are doing everything the right way.

The thing that I feel is your obstacle, is that your ex knows that you are still emotionally available to her. It plays into the psychological dynamics of these situations. Not sure how to tell you to move forward to help encourage her to look your way and reconsider.

I'll think about it and add more if I can. Perhaps someone else can jump in.
Posted By: JJAC2005

Re: LRT - 01/17/14 11:26 PM

Thank you...I needed that today!
Posted By: LITB

Re: LRT - 01/17/14 11:28 PM

Anytime...wish I could be of more help. Wishing you all the best.
Posted By: lovethehub

Re: LRT - 01/18/14 04:25 PM

Are you in touch with your stepchildren at all? If you were with them for 7 years that's a long time to just walk away. Depending on your R with them, you may still want to be in touch with them. Did W stop that or did you? Often it is through seeing the spouse with the children that the ex is having contact. Other than that, a vet will have to tell you the best ways to occasionally reach out. Maybe emailing her a link to something that made you think of her? Sending a funny story or joke by text that she would get and know you were thinking of her? The key is, it cannot be too often. Just enough that she knows you are thinking of her and has an opportunity to have fond memories of you. We need a vet to advise you better!
Posted By: labug

Re: LRT - 01/18/14 05:17 PM

Here are your old threads: JJAC history
Posted By: JJAC2005

Re: LRT - 01/19/14 01:01 PM

lth - Thanks for the thoughts....I have tried to stay in contact with the kids and have asked many, many times, but she has denied my requests. Last June and July I thought I was beginning to see a crack appear in the walls, and was granted a brief few visits with the step-son, and thought that things were starting on an upswing but one day there was a miscommunication and after that we lost our privleges according to her...anyway, I wrote about that back in Aug. and the worst part of all that was that he was so angry at his mother that he ran away, and she had to call his bio-dad in to sooth the situation. After that from what she said, they both thought that I probably had too much influence on him, and should not have contact with him any more.
I had only gotten to see my step daughter a few times when coming to the house to pick up/drop off the boy, and although she is still warm to me, she declined to join us on any of the activited we were going out to do, she is 16 and has a little more on her social calandar, at least I hope its more of an age thing. Some of it might also be that she wants to show her loayalty to her mother by not participating. But I miss her every bit as much, and almost more so since I havent seen her or talked with her in such a long time.
So, I have asked....and both the children know that I still wanted to stay in contact.
As to my ex...she knows exactly how I feel, and I do believe that my absence is a little confusing to her as much as it is to me right now. I think she really expects me to continue to drop her a note now and then, or a text, or something.....and honestly, I have to fight myself each and every day NOT to do it. I hate myself somedays for still being so deeply connected and in love with them all....but wouldnt trade that experience for anything.
I would welcome any more advice if other vets feel like chimine in...
and of course, I thank everyone that takes any time to comment
Posted By: JJAC2005

Re: LRT - 01/19/14 08:36 PM

I should make a correction.....and reverse that earlier statement that "I believe that my ex is confused as to my absence", I have know idea what to believe anymore at all.....she once told that she would be expecting me to try and text or call her about once a month, and sure enough, that would have been exactly what I was doing the first 8 months after the divorce.
She said that each time I did she would have to re patch the holes I put in her wall....that was when I told her that I was never intending on breaking down her walls, and that I only hoped that she would open up a door and invite me back in.
I did manage to stop communication for a few months after the summer ban on seeing my step-son, but resumed the end of Sept, up until the last lunch date.
I did find out that she had been looking at my FB page at our lunch date because she did make a mention on a sarcastic and derogatory comment that someone had said regarding ex's ...which meant to me that she did looked back now and then.
I'm just not putting a lot into that is all....cause I have know idea what to think about anything anymore
Posted By: JJAC2005

Re: LRT - 01/20/14 06:04 PM

I have to laugh at myself sometimes..... Knowing full well the dynamics of LRT and the fact that it's more about breaking free from the holds we have been keeping ourselves in....that the object of our affection may never return to us.... We still have that heavy feeling that we could have done more or we should have done more....and we exhaustely still search for that one thing that will make the difference.
I know the rasons for LRT....
I know the other person has to do their own thing in their own way in their ow time.
But when does the heart ache stop....
Posted By: JJAC2005

Re: LRT - 01/20/14 10:57 PM

Today’s question has a lot to do with yesterdays thoughts and feelings.

Do I continue to practice a LRT of no pursuit, no contact, no anything, until the ex makes an attempt to contact me.?
Or is there something to be said for any attempts at contacts or invites every now and then?
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: LRT - 01/21/14 08:35 PM

Originally Posted By: JJAC2005

Do I continue to practice a LRT of no pursuit, no contact, no anything, until the ex makes an attempt to contact me.?
Or is there something to be said for any attempts at contacts or invites every now and then?


LRT doesn't really patch marriages back together, it's more to help the LBS detach. But, your earlier comment that your WAS said every time you contact her she has to patch the holes in her wall are a concern, it sounds like she's telling you that she doesn't want to hear from you. Or did I misunderstand?
Posted By: JJAC2005

Re: LRT - 01/26/14 01:50 AM

have to scratch my head on that....
Believe nothing of what they say...only 50% of what you see, Right?
But, she probably prefer I fade away....she wants me to move on
Posted By: JJAC2005

Re: LRT - 01/26/14 02:03 AM

I had made progress before by every now and then making contact....Now I am at the LRT, moving on with no contact, but still having hopes...and obviously still missing the ex and family.
The Boy has reported that she was missing me, acting down and depressed....
My feelings are that pride is getting in her way of rekindling a friendship...she would have to admit her wrongs...and by keeping her long distance relationship to every other weekend, she doesn't have any pressure to face anything, so, he is the easiest choice.
I know My job is to continue making my life better, making myself healthier, and basically becoming the kind of me she would like to have in her life again.
But the point I was wanting help with is...when you are basically no longer contacting the WAS...isn't there any advantages to dropping something in there every now and then....or is it all about making it look like you have completely walked away.
My biggest concern is that I want to have those kids know that I have never given up wanting them in my life....and mom most assuredly feels that its easier to move on when I am not around. Which is another reason I see for a limited contact....keep chipping away at that hard exterior until she opens up again.
Posted By: JJAC2005

Re: LRT - 02/08/14 08:09 PM

so...does anyone have any opinions on any attempts at periodic ocntact ?
Posted By: LITB

Re: LRT - 02/09/14 06:06 AM

I normally wouldn't recommend anyone to do a temp check, however your D was finalized awhile ago.

Maybe getting in contact with your ex, will help you move forward in one direction or the other. The worst that can happen is basically the way you are living as it is. On the other hand, maybe she will be receptive to a life with you. Only one way to find out.

Again, something I wouldn't recommend for newbies.

Best of luck.
Posted By: JJAC2005

Re: LRT - 02/09/14 08:07 PM

I thank you for the little drop in....its still one of those day to day things where I have a moment or two, of emotional pain, and I struggle to find even the slightest sliver of something that might help me start something rolling in a new direction.
But honestly, at this point, on most days, I know where I am, and where I must continue to travel......it just [censored] that I continue to work and move foreword with my own life, yet holding onto the hope that someday she will reach out and make contact, offer some sort of friendly gesture, or just plain miraculously wakes up and wants to try again.... The practice of patience is a constant battle for staying in control of my emotions, and it leaves me feeling so helpless when I see nothing changing, yet I want to stay the course, stay strong, stay true....and stay hopeful that it was all worth the wait.

I have reached out before....some of which was pretty positive.
Posted By: JJAC2005

Re: LRT - 02/25/14 09:21 PM

The last update here is....I gave it one more soft and gentle try to make an attempt to reach out to the kids and to her as well....but this time it was returned/refused, and she stated that she doesn’t want me to send the kids any type of contact, No phone calls, emails, birthday cards, ect...nothing.

Then I discovered while talking to her on the phone that she had been looking at my FB page, and was extremely angry that I had gone up north to visit a female "friend" that she really never cared for (I think she used the word despised).
Anyway, I thought it odd that on that phone call, her anger took her back to a place where she was back to being so angry about everything from the past. Letting me know just how much I had hurt her, and all the things she regretted about being married to me.
I let that sink in for several days....almost a week went by and I made another attempt to be nice, invite her to a peaceful meeting to talk a few things over....she declined, and at that point insisted that I move on with my life

Now I'm sure that I am right back to square 1....having absolutely no contact...and no chance to rebuild anything anymore
Posted By: LITB

Re: LRT - 02/25/14 09:43 PM

Sorry to hear things didn't go as you had hoped. My hope is that this brings closure to a chapter in your life and prepares you to be receptive to a new beginning.

Wishing you all the best.
Posted By: JJAC2005

Re: LRT - 02/25/14 10:22 PM

LITB - thanks for the note....I agree!

Well…for the most part, it doesn’t change the life plan, too much….
But honestly I can not lie, it really puts a damper on the “Hope” that some day she will approach me for a possible second chance.
I had a day or two there where I let her hurtful words sink into my self-conscious, and I hated it…I hated the way I was feeling….I hated fact that couldn’t fix it, ….that I couldn’t rectify anything any longer…..I couldn’t show her just how much she still meant and how much I had learned from everything that I had gone thru the past year and half.

I feel a bit more grounded now….but almost lost as to where I am, in terms of where I want to be.
I have a ton of great family and friends….I am well liked, well thought of as a person….and I have an awesome ability to help others that are in difficult situations….but I don’t seem to be able to get this woman out of my head or heart, and it tears me up every time I lay in my empty bed at night.

I know that God has a plan…and its not about giving up on life….life continues
I will take all that I learned, and continue to learn and explore my world….my life continues, and is rich for all that I have experienced, even if there is pain…..because if I would have never experienced so much joy and happiness….I wouldn’t be feeling this kind of pain in my heart.

Thank You again...
Posted By: JJAC2005

Re: LRT - 03/15/14 06:33 PM

OK...here is a tossup question??
-probably more like a mini rant -

Honestly...I feel that I have been ok for the most part (sort of the worried well)....I have been taking care of myself, incorporating healthily living and physical activities....pressing on with a new life, new goals, interests and hobbies, ect.

However...I still feel somewhat in a rut about what seems like constant thoughts about my ex, the kids, and what was once a whole family. I have talked to a lot of others that say things like "sure, its normal to think about and miss your ex, the kids, and your marriage."
But I have some thoughts come in everyday? After being divorced 1.5 years? Yes, some of them are spurred by situations or triggers, some are questions I have that may never be answered, some are regrets, and some are flat out tearful moments of mourning (IE, just yesterday I was cleaning out an area of storage and found a treasure trove of pictures of the kids from about 5 years ago….I could hear the boy sayin to me what a great day he had, and his sister had such a huge smile on her face…yep, you guessed it…I tear’d up!
Sure, I spent a lot of the past year pursuing all sorts of knowledge, I did some major work, reflecting and learning, looking inward, looking outward, sometimes even dissecting everything apart as a way of trying to understand as much as I could about why things happened as they did, and how stupid we both were about things, and that things could be different if she ever granted me/us a 2nd chance....and NOW that one is off the table, as I got a pretty clear cut answer a few weeks ago about her no longer wanting to discuss that topic.

Anyway...how normal am I ??
I'm actually starting to get a bit concerned about all these periodic moments of sentimental journeys….

The thing is…I’m basically together…socially active and engaged when I get out and join others.
But always under the surface is “those little reminders”, and its buggin me that I’m way more in thought about my ex, than she is about me….

I am being introduced to a ton of other women…..by friends and family....even if I still dont feel ready for anything, I feel have to meet people, be social.
I suppose that’s a good sign, eh….at least some people think I’m worthy of a loving relationship…LOL
Posted By: ye21

Re: LRT - 03/15/14 06:57 PM

Well your reactions are the normal ones, you havent fully accepted what happened and thats why the questions arise...
In a healing proccess the pain will still there...and its necessary, but look at something... Do you feel the exact same way every minute that you felt 1.5 years ago? I am sure you dont....
Its hard to accept things without balancing from guilty to anger, but the most important thing is that you still have yourself and you had improve things, if another person doesnt accept that and doesnt want to live with you its their choice and you have to fully respect that...unfortunatelly there is nothing you can do about it....
When we say go out, meet people and do things for yourself, we are telling you what worked for us... I can tell you that in my situation, what its helping me at this moment its to respond to posts in this forum and spend time by myself, is it going to be like that always? I dont know but I go with the flow and thats whats helping me at this particular moment.
You have choices, choose the one that suits you better...for some people its exercise for others its fishing, we are not all the same but all of us we arrive at the same conclussion at the end: ACCEPTANCE, until you dont love with that word fully you are not going to be able to move on....
I know you can do it, nobody wants you to be perfect, you are absolutelly perfect the way you are in each time of your life..
Posted By: JJAC2005

Re: LRT - 03/15/14 07:11 PM

I accept it all....its done....that marriage is dead!

but I was doing it the wrong way...I was still hanging on to the "hope" that she would eventually change her mind.
I had all this stuff wrapped up into that single word "hope"

Now I can honestly say...I dont have that "hope" feeling anymore....only the pain and loss that circle in my head as I make my way thru another day
Posted By: JJAC2005

Re: LRT - 03/15/14 07:20 PM

I know I wasn’t as cautious as I needed to be....way to "hope-filled"
I did my work...I even did hers...LOL

Thank you for chiming in on the side of normalcy!
Posted By: ye21

Re: LRT - 03/15/14 11:07 PM

You are doing great, keep moving on, let go let God he knows what he is doing wink
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