In time it should, if her idea of that H is the same as yours. But I think when a woman is ready to walk away from the M b/c she has basically given up on getting her needs met in the MR, and after she reaches that decision she sees her H doing things that he wouldn't do when she wanted & tried to get him to do in the past.... yes, it could cause anger. She is angry b/c you waited until now to do it.
Sandi, this makes sense. My therapist wants me to get away from a "fix it" mentality, because he says real change requires true understanding. I get that, but I've had 20-some sessions with him and sometimes I leave confused about what he is getting at - especially since I feel that real change has been happening in me for the last several months.
I don't how you respond (if any)to her anger, but if you can understand why she's angry, it might help you to be sensitive to her feelings. You probably think you can't do anything to please her at the moment, and a lot of that may be true, b/c
I can understand her anger. It is true, I cannot do anything to please her at the moment. On the contrary, almost anything I do in her direction angers her. If I go participate with the kids' bedtime routine, it angers her. If I don't participate, it angers her. I almost feel a freedom to try anything, because both doing and not doing are currently producing the same result, at least on the outside.
she has a lot of "stuff" that she has to work through. Just as you can't expect overnight to become that man only a fool would leave, neither can she get her stuff together that quickly.
She does have "stuff" but I am beginning to doubt whether she has the self-awareness or courage to deal with it. How does a WAW ever shift from blaming their spouse and seeing him as the enemy, to seeing both sides of the coin and accepting her part? How did it happen for you?
Since you both are Christians, I will tell you this about my own stitch as a WAW who got busted on her EA. I did not happily make a decision to stay in my M. I was not eager and did not care about putting forth one ounce of effort to improve the R. I was extremely resentful of many things in our past MR together and had no desire to continue on with my H. My decision was simply made to "do the right thing". I had always done the right thing (based on what I was taught) except, of course, during the EA/WAW time. However, my decision to do "right" did not bring me happiness.
Recently my W agreed (after I found out about the EA, or as she calls it a fantasy) to take things a day at a time and "go with my idea to go out once a week together." This was something I don't know if I ever mentioned. My therapist suggested I gain more clarity by asking whether she was choosing willingly to spend time together once a week, or whether it was a concession to delay making a choice about leaving or staying. When I asked her if she was choosing it willingly, she said that was a good question that she would need to talk to her therapist about. That was a few weeks ago and we haven't followed up on that. I know that she doesn't
want to do this but since she brought it up as an idea would if be harmful if we try it?
She has mentioned more than once not wanting to go to hell for her decision. I thought we were both people who believed in grace and forgiveness (the heart of the gospel) but I am seeing now that maybe she has often "done the right thing" out of fear. I don't know how to respond when she says things like that. I've told her I believe God forgives even when we make the wrong choice, but I don't know what else to say.
I hate that, in her mind, she is so ready to be out of the marriage that she is willing to risk eternal consequences for it. But it does give me a real hard look at how "done" she is if these are the thoughts going through her heart.
My H & I were going through several very tough transitions in life....our ages, increasing health problems,finances,family, MR, etc. In trying to escape from my reality through an EA, actually made these other problems escalate. My H's health steadily got worse. I won't go into all of it, but my point is that we had to get through all those other transitions whether our we stayed together or not.
She is going through a crisis of faith, vocation, and identity along with the M problems. I believe she feels that the M problems (i.e. me) was the catalyst for everything. So she blames me for the whole ball of yarn. Did you feel that way?
Lord only knows what kind of mess I would be in today if I had left. I will forever be thankful I chose to do the right thing. However, positive feelings were not there for me. I was just there....and for a long time, that was the best I could do. I realize everyone is not the same, but that was how I was at that time.
Do you now feel that you have intimacy with your H? Did you feel something like bereavement toward your marriage back then, almost like your H was dead to you? She has mentioned that several times, along with the feeling that once something is dead, it is dead.
Once I made the decision to stay, then I had to get through the withdrawal addiction of the EA. It was very difficult and if not for this board talking to me every night, I don't know if I would have made it.
She has only her thoughts and journals and has ended discussion with most friends who would support working on the M. Her daily interactions are now mostly casual friends, or old friends who are going through divorce, and possibly still the OM (or if this diary was really a fantasy, the man upon whom at least the bulk of the fantasy has to be based). If you were the one in the EA, what caused you to seek out this site?
Did your H finding out about the EA kind of bust the romance of it, since it was now revealed? Did you resent him even more for that?
After I got through the withdrawal period, then I thought I would nearly die with depression. It was horrible. I had a lot of work to do on myself before I could get enough strength to work on the M. When you have no desire to be in a position you're in.......how much do you really give it? I can tell you..... not very much at all.
Did H leave you alone during this time, kind of do his own thing and LRT? Was the depression still directed toward H?
When she does talk to me, it is almost always about her desire to go back to school. I have just been trying to listen and validate, and encourage her with the idea that she has the smarts and drive to do it. I would love for her to go back to school and "find herself again" in normal circumstances. But right now, it feels so threatening. I am being very vulnerable admitting that.
I've not told many folks this, b/c they don't want to hear what I'm about to tell you. After making the decision to do the right thing....it took around two more years of me getting through my personal "stuff"...and getting my heart right... and able to feel like I could put some effort toward a better M.
During that 2 years, was H aware that you had decided to stay, or was he just waiting out the uncertainty?
I don't tell that information often b/c it must sound discouraging to newcomers. I am not sure why I'm telling you, but just felt like I should. I do want the LBS to know that sometimes just making the decision is exhausting b/c it affects the rest of life.
This seems to be a meaningful glimpse into the heart of my wife. She feels like she has failed with everything in life, except for motherhood, and that the marriage is a joke. As a man, I compartmentalize things and this idea is hard to understand. Your comments help with that.
Remember, you are on a path that is not going to be parallel to hers for quite some time. You both will take a lot of twists and turns before traveling down the road as a happy couple. You may observe her and listen to her, but you don't know what all is going through her head/heart. When she gets in a mood over you trying to be that wonderful guy, just remind yourself she has so much of her own stuff to get through...and it will take time. And if she does make the right decision, don't expect her to be excited about staying.
That is also a meaningful glimpse into things. I appreciate your honesty here. I know I probably am still "new" at this situation, even though six months from BD feels like forever.
The right decision is her first step, but those emotions you have about a new MR probably won't be her emotions for a while. That's not to say it's hopeless! It will come, but it takes time.
The general advice here is to avoid relationship discussions. Would sharing my vision for a new M be harmful for her, or is the advice to avoid R talks more to protect the LBS from losing hope? My therapist (not exactly in line with brief solution oriented therapy but not anti either) has suggested inviting her into a new relationship, letting her know what I would choose and inviting her to consider choosing that as well.
Some LBH's let these everyday things push them to give up, but I'm telling you if you can hang in there, the M can be saved....even if she's not putting anything toward working on it right now.
I don't want to have future regrets about not trying everything I could to re-create our M. I really value the time you spent to share these experiences with me. Thank you sandi.
Just knowing that it is possible gives me strength to continue to improve myself so that I am ready if the opportunity presents itself.
