Song Lyrics:
"Look at me, I'm not the same person that I use to be
since a change has come over me.
You won't believe the things that I've through
since the last time you heard from me.
Now I see so much clearer
I feel so much better
I've come through stormy weather, I've got my self together.
Now the days are much brighter
The load is much lighter
You are my hearts desire
Your love has taken me higher
Say goodbye to yesterday
Because tomorrow will bring a brighter day, yes it will
Now that I'm here, I really don't have a thing to fear
I'm at a place where I can here His voice so clear
and it sounds like music, music in my ear
I can do the impossible
Expect the incredible
Fight the unbeatable
Reach the unreachable
Now my days are much brighter
The load is much lighter
You are my heart's desire
Your love has taken me higher
Say goodbye to yesterday
I don't cry any more
I take my burden's to the Lord
Say goodbye to yesterday
Forgetting those things that are behind me
I'm pressing on....I've been there too long
I refuse, to keep going over the things I've done wrong
It's time to sing a brand new song..."
I've taken a break from my own thread for a while, I believe this will be my final thread. I made the decision to drop the rope on new years if there were no changes, and I took the first steps to do so tonight because nothing has changed in the slightest from doing LRT.
So I've just blocked my H on all social media, deleted his number from my phone. We haven't had any communication this month other than him sending me a text on Christmas that said:
"Merry Christmas 'Mimi'!"
and I replied "Same to you, 'Alien H'"
I think that was the first time I've not responded "happily" to him, I didn't really care to say it back in response...
This month he's posted things online such as "I don't regret this life I have chosen" and he's openly posting pics of him and his coworker (possible OW, not sure, she did recently dump her boyfriend as well) when they go snowboarding together almost every weekend, on his social media.
His cousin commented on one of his photos "I see you've got a snowbunny now as well" and H just laughed in response. It's slightly embarrassing because none of my family knows about H leaving (except my parents and sibling) and they are all friends with H.... so while his face book still says "Married" he's posting pics with this lady.
And her family is posting pictures of H; bought him Christmas gifts and included him in their holiday photos. (clearly I snooped a few times this month) so blocking him is a good thing. I will no longer be happily scrolling down my new feeds/timelines and then have a pic or status H posted show on there and ruin my mood/cause my heart to sink into my stomach. I blocked his sister too, then I felt bad and unblocked her.... then i saw that "blocking" automatically "un-friends" the person. Oops. O well....so then I re-blocked her lol
The last thing I have to do in order to be fully seperated from my H, is remove my name from our joint accounts. I will wait until the next time I get paid, to make sure my Direct deposit was changed properly.
My H still has not filed for dissolution, to my knowledge, as he still has not sent me the petition paper work to sign. Maybe he's waiting until the holidays are over?
Regardless... I've printed out the steps for dissolution from his state on how to file and what will be needed from me. So I can have everything on my end filled out and notarized so when he does finally send the petition for me to sign, I will have everything else ready to go....hopefully I won't have to drag this process too far into 2014.
I hope everyone had a great holiday (as best one could) and I hope every one steps in to the new year with a bit more confidence; knowing you are loved, special and of great worth.
Hi Mimi,
It sounds like you have taken the steps to detach. Great job on blocking and unfriending, that will help a lot with detachment, it definitely did for me.
I like the separation from the joint accounts idea, and your plan to make sure the direct deposit switched successfully. Hopefully it's not too much of a pain to get your name removed.
You gave yourself a timeline, and are sticking to it. Well done! I hope 2014 treats you well. You have us here for support whenever you need us!
Mimi, I think you're doing the right thing to protect yourself, but take it from a fellow rope-dropper, it is a much slower process than you expect it to be! It's not as simple as doing steps A,B and C and it's done. It's a mental and emotional process that takes months and months. There will be times that you think "I've really dropped the rope" and then a month later you'll say "wow, I thought I had dropped the rope but can see now I didn't, but I really have this time" then a month later you realize you're STILL in the process. Someone here posted a long time ago that they had boldly announced that they had dropped the rope on these forums but later realized that they were quietly clinging to it behind their back where no one else could see, LOL! I think we all do that at first. So be patient with yourself and don't expect it to happen quickly. Keep working on you and eventually when you simply don't care that your H posted a snow bunny pic you'll realize it's done and you've moved on.
Hi Mimi,
It sounds like you have taken the steps to detach. Great job on blocking and unfriending, that will help a lot with detachment, it definitely did for me.
I like the separation from the joint accounts idea, and your plan to make sure the direct deposit switched successfully. Hopefully it's not too much of a pain to get your name removed.
You gave yourself a timeline, and are sticking to it. Well done! I hope 2014 treats you well. You have us here for support whenever you need us!
Thanks K. Yes, I am a woman of my word and I am sticking to my plan.
Mimi, I think you're doing the right thing to protect yourself, but take it from a fellow rope-dropper, it is a much slower process than you expect it to be! It's not as simple as doing steps A,B and C and it's done. It's a mental and emotional process that takes months and months. There will be times that you think "I've really dropped the rope" and then a month later you'll say "wow, I thought I had dropped the rope but can see now I didn't, but I really have this time" then a month later you realize you're STILL in the process. Someone here posted a long time ago that they had boldly announced that they had dropped the rope on these forums but later realized that they were quietly clinging to it behind their back where no one else could see, LOL! I think we all do that at first. So be patient with yourself and don't expect it to happen quickly. Keep working on you and eventually when you simply don't care that your H posted a snow bunny pic you'll realize it's done and you've moved on.
Thanks for your insight AS. I definitely know it's a process when it comes to what's on the inside. My post probably comes off w/ the feel "STEP A B C" because we have no property to separate etc... It's just signing & filing the different parts of the paper work, no need for back and forth on anything. So that's why I'm saying I want to get it over with so I don't have to drag having to deal with him too much further in my life... but I definitely I know the mental/emotional end will take time though.
My blocking him isn't because it hurts me to see his photos necessarily, but it's b/c I simply no longer care to see what he's doing and I don't want him to have access to my life in any form either. I don't have any feelings when I see the pics w/ the possible OW. She's been in his life for a few years now, and I told him I didn't like the relationship 2 years ago, he said it was nothing. Then he followed her to where she lives now, thousands of miles away and acted like it wasn't b/c of her. So the pics are just confirmation for me, nothing more...
I don't know what the definition of dropping the rope is for everyone, but for me, it means:
- I am no longer standing for my marriage. I understand "fog lifting" could take years, but I don't have years to waste in waiting. I want to travel in the next year or so and have someone to share life with. I want children....etc...etc..etc...
- I know my feelings for him aren't gone and I still get emotional when I hear or remember certain things.... I know that will take time. But the key for me is, I am no longer afraid to lose those feelings b/c of my "hope" for him returning.
- I finally took off my ring and I may see what I can get for it at a pawn shop lol
- I am only worrying about myself now. During DB I've only been concerned about how I've hurt him, what my wrongs were...now I can now figure out how to deal with the multitude of hurt he caused me over the years with his lies, words and attitude....and how to heal from this abandonment and not carry it into future relationships.
- And last, possibly putting my self out there for a date or two...
While GALing with other women for the past few months has been nice, it's slightly a bore for me lol I miss having a male presence. I've lived alone for a year now, it's been 9 months of DB and 6 months since BD...I want to go to a nice dinner with a man, I want to be picked up, taken out and told I look nice. Someone to chat with on the phone that's not a girl who wants me to give advice on her problems!
Mimi,
I see great things ahead for you in 2014! Your rope dropping will be a process as AS mentioned. Is there a thread somewhere that outlines exactly what "dropping the rope" is and is not? I don't mean to be harsh, but it seems like it's giving up. Is that accurate? I mean, I feel like I have to, I'm on some dating sites, and have some women that seem interested in me right now. So I guess I'm at the drop the rope point too since W is hellbent on getting rid of me quickly.
I don't know if there is a set definition around here for "dropping the rope" maybe someone else can chime in on that?
To me it is an acceptance of defeat when it comes to my H/marriage...
Sure it can be seen as giving up.
I am no longer in a tug or war with my self (because my H doesnt even know there was a battle....his end of the rope was let go the day of BD...hes living life w/o concern for me....he doesnt even know I still have hope for the marriage to be in a tug or war.)
It's not however a defeat personally, I have grown through the process and will continue to grow. I've learned the art of letting go gracefully...and in that sense, I won.
As far as your own rope drop....that would be up to you, but saying you "guess" makes me wonder if you are really ready to? Only you know when you should do so.
You say your wife seems hellbent on getting rid of you.....thats the story of the majority of our WAS' s. So should that be your reason to drop?
The week on BD 6 months ago for me, my H screamed at me to leave him alone and said when he's "done with something (he's) done!" And he hasn't once changed his mind (that I know of) since that day. I could have dropped the rope that day....I made the decision to stand instead and let the process and pain mature me.
6 months later I feel there's nothing else I can learn from this sitch from staying in the same position, holding on would now only be a source of sadness not growth, so I feel its time it time focus on healing and that doesnt include continuing to reserve a space in my brain for H...it cant happen if I am still telling my self he will be back so think positive b/c of that...I have to be positive for me alone. I haven't second guessed my decision.....yet..... lol AS could very well be correct I may pick the rope back up. But i truly dont plan to as of today. I feel my job now is to take what i have learned and share it to help others....time for me to create a purpose for my pain.
Funny, as I was typing this from my phone I got a call from him....I didn't answer.
My post probably comes off w/ the feel "STEP A B C" because we have no property to separate etc...
I didn't mean to imply that, what I was really trying to say is that, at least to me, I -thought- dropping the rope would be a simple process of just deciding I was dropping it and it would be done quickly. But it wasn't like that at all, for me the statement that I was dropping the rope was just the very beginning of the process. It's different for each of us though.
My blocking him isn't because it hurts me to see his photos necessarily, but it's b/c I simply no longer care to see what he's doing and I don't want him to have access to my life in any form either. I don't have any feelings when I see the pics w/ the possible OW.
Well it sounds like you're in a good place then. When things our WAS says/ does still affect us in negative ways then we haven't let go yet.
I don't know if there is a set definition around here for "dropping the rope" maybe someone else can chime in on that?
I don't think there is either, in fact I got in a disagreement on one of my older threads with some others over what exactly it meant. I finally quit using the term because of the confusion over it.
To me it is an acceptance of defeat when it comes to my H/marriage...
I don't think anyone here should ever use that word ("defeat") because even if you decide you don't want to stand for your M anymore, you have been through so much growth by now that you have won regardless of whether your M continues or not. You've fought valiantly for your M and the fact that it didn't survive does not mean you lost, it means that your spouse lost. We make ourselves into the spouses only a fool would leave, and if they leave anyway well then they ARE fools.
Sure it can be seen as giving up.
But it can also be seen as taking control of your life again, and you can hold your head high knowing you did the right thing and conducted yourself with honor and dignity even while your spouse did not.
It's not however a defeat personally, I have grown through the process and will continue to grow. I've learned the art of letting go gracefully...and in that sense, I won.
EXACTLY
He ended up calling again a few hours later. I was sleeping b/c I work nights...but I answered b/c I thought maybe it was an emergency since he doesnt call anymore...let alone twice in one day. He asked for our online password for the cell phone b/c he wants to remove his line from the plan. I told him i'd text it to him (bc I was annoyed I woke up for that...) he noticed I sounded like I was asleep so he asked me to call him back after I got up.
So I sent the password and just now he responded "thanks....I have another favor to ask when you get up"
Not sure what he wants from me.
I checked the joint accounts and he only has $98 left in the checking and only $800 left in the savings. So I am assuming he wants money.....yet again....because the next pay day isn't until January 10th.
He's spent over $6,000 from our savings since BD.
How is it he is makes double what I make...both of our rents are due on the 1st of the month....yet I dont need any help and ive been able to save a nice chunk of money since BD....and he hasn't been able to save a dime and has wiped out our joint savings?
This is why I want to be done with him. I have a personal savings that I started as a "nest egg" savings account for us 2 years ago because he wouldn't stop taking money from our joint savings. I have a decent amuntn saved in it and he told me the week of BD that since he didn't contribute to it, he doesnt want it and I can have it because I saved it with money from my own job. So he knows I have money saved up....b/c I am very serious about saving money and he knows I havent used it all up.
Im totally assuming this is what he wants, but if so this is my chance to finally stick up for my self.....and give him a big fat NO. Tell him to ask possible OW or her family since they are a so close.
I dont know if I will even call him back....but I will take sometime to think about the best way to say no, so I dont look like I am saying no becuase I am angry....because I am not, but he has to do this on his own now...he wanted to be alone...so figure it out.
I don't think anyone here should ever use that word ("defeat") because even if you decide you don't want to stand for your M anymore, you have been through so much growth by now that you have won regardless of whether your M continues or not. You've fought valiantly for your M and the fact that it didn't survive does not mean you lost, it means that your spouse lost. We make ourselves into the spouses only a fool would leave, and if they leave anyway well then they ARE fools.
Thanks AS.... I actually thought the same earlier when I was typing.
Its nice to think those things if only to make myself feel better
Don't give him any more money. Don't take the shot about the OW though, just tell him you are managing on your money and he should learn to manage on his.
I was wrong....He called again b/c i didnt call him back fast enough.....The favor isn't money, he cracked his beloved cell phone screen and wants to rush his removal from our phone plan so he can have his own line/account under his name and he can file a claim for a new phone. So he wants me to fill out a form online. I told him I will do it when in get to work in a few hours as I dont have internet to use my laptop...he seemed annoyed.
I dont understand why he just didnt inform me by text...
Thanks K....my mom happened to call today and she said the same to kust tell him finacially I wasnt able. Im glad he didnt call for that reason though.
Its weird that I havent talked to him in almost 2 months now all the sudden he has to call about this....
I know the reason is not what you expected, but it sounds like you handled it well. Removing him from the plan would be something you did anyway, and removing your name from the bank accounts will be the next step.
Thanks K, his phone line was separated by the end of that day. So yup, that's one less thing to worry about.
I saw this quote posted by Kate's Place in Groov's thread and I wanted to re-post it here.
I never thought of dropping the rope as being similar to the "last resort technique", I considered what I was doing prior to dropping my LRT phase, but I thought this post made sense so I wanted to have it here as a reminder for myself. Not sure who the original writer of the quote is:
"In this humble man's, the "Last Resort Technique" can be one of the most misunderstood, most misused, most feared, and most underutilized of all of Michele's tools.
The LRT, as I see it, isn't so much a defined set of actions, patterns, or a "plan". To me, it's more of a lifestyle, an attitude, and a state of mind.
To me, it's the infamous "Dobson letter", the one that is written and re-written at least 10 times, truly taken to heart within yourself, then torn up and never sent. If you have the right state of mind, your partner will KNOW you have set both them, and yourself, free by your words, actions, and attitudes, without ever giving them the letter.
It's when you finally take your life back, knowing that the DB techniques you've been learning and practicing are mostly for YOU and the quality of YOUR life. If you happen to draw your partner back to you, well, that's an added benefit.
It's when you are able to quit "reacting" to everything your partner does, or doesn't say or do. You begin taking the actions required to make your life situations better for YOU.
It's when you can stop letting fear guide your actions, and can open your mind up to a whole new world full of solutions to the situations you face in your daily life.
It's when "going dark" isn't merely done to prove to your partner that their life will SUCK without you, while you're hanging around for them to "wake up", to call or show up to profess their undying love for you. It's when you can use the "dark" times to work on yourself, and take a much needed break from the chaos. When you can re-center yourself UPON yourself, and not them or your relationship with them.
It's when you are no longer willing to put your life on hold while you are "waiting" for your partner to "recover" from their MLC, depression, an on-going affair, their lack of love for you, or whatever. You realize that you are in charge of your own life, that YOU are responsible for YOU, and you don't have to sit around in limbo until THEY change. You totally quite playing the "blame game". It's when you realize that you are not a "victim" to what life deals to you.
It's when the dreaded word "divorce" no longer sends your heart racing and mind reeling. After all, most of us are in a position where our relationships ain't too great right now, or could be a helluva lot better. Wouldn't you really love to "divorce" yourself from THAT relationship, and start a new one with your partner that's even better than what you could ever hope or imagine?
It's when you realize that your partner is a flesh and blood human being, that they have their own faults, doubts, demons, and fears, just the same as you. When you can begin to let go of trying to control the way they think and feel. When you learn to let them "own" their thoughts and feelings without assuming that YOU are responsible for, or have control over, those thoughts and feelings. When you can not necessarily "understand" them, but truly "accept" them.
It's when you can learn to be humble enough to admit that maybe this really ISN'T all about you, and you can stop taking all of your partner's actions and moods personally. When you can let them talk to you, vent their anger, thoughts, and feelings to you, without you feeling that it's all your fault, and that you can "fix" it, and that you can make it all better. Or that they really WANT you to make it all better. Or, that you even have the power to do that.
It's when you stop trying to "push" or "pull" your partner back into the relationship with you, and begin to "draw" them back to you. When you strive to become an irresistible magnet that no person can stop from being attracted to. Someone that makes a positive difference in the lives of everyone they touch. Someone that can make your partner feel that their lives are less joyful, less fulfilling, if they decide to spend it apart from you, to not have you near them. That you are someone that can add meaning to their lives just by knowing you. That can be an example of being the best that you can be.
It seems that thinking about the LRT can bring many negative, doom-ridden, and "final" thoughts to mind. I encourage everyone to "reframe" these thoughts, to put a positive spin on the concept, to see the actual benefits of this tool. (Or, maybe, we should have this "state of mind" FIRST instead of saving it for LAST?!)
I know that there's a lot of times I wish that I would have seen this tool in a more positive light sooner in my journey. As for me, it may be something I want to use as an "On Going Technique" instead of a "Last Resort Technique"!"
Hey Mimi, how are things with you?
Hey K, thanks again for checking in on my thread.
I called my bank a few weeks ago to ensure I could remove my name from out joint accounts, they said yes, just go to a local branch.
So Last time we got paid I took a portion of what H owes me from a loan he asked for to help him leave... of $600.... so I transferred $250 to my account and walked into the bank to take my name off of the accounts. They told me I can't. We'd have to show up in person or close the accounts totally. I told her that's was not possible to show up in person, and he wouldn't be able to close the accounts in person b/c #1 his direct deposit would have to be switch first #2 there are no branches of our bank in the city he lives, he would have to rent a car to get to one....that would take forever for him to get around to it since it is't a priority for him.
So after I leave the bank H happens to call.... of course he needs something.... he's renting a car to go some where (i didn't ask....but most likely on a vacation or shopping trip) and he needs a proof of the insurance for my car to rent, as his name is shown on it (that's the only thing he still pays for concerning me).
But he asks for the agents number to call her so the insurance people can verify coverage to the rental company.... I say how about I just take a pic of the card and send it? he says No, give me the agents number. So I give it and hang up.... then immediately send a pic of the card....as I hit send, he calls again, asking for a pic of the card b/c the agent wasn't available.....
So after his rental is settled he texts "thanks"... so at that point I assume he hasn't seen that I took $250. I was worried because obviously he's going on a trip or something and planning to spend money... (i saw he tranfered $436 to his personal checking so that specific number makes me assume he purchased airline tickets or something). So I'm like great, he's going to be angry I took the money, as he'll probably need it. So I text him back and let him know what I did and why:
"I transferred $250 as repayment on the $600 loan I gave you in July, but if now is not a good time for that let me know" (I'm only asking for half of the loan back not the full $600)
He asked me to put $100 of it back and said we cant setup payments to pay me back. (set up payments for $300, really?)
So I did..............
A few days later, the checking account was down to $150 (his check was initially $1,800...how in the world do you spend that in 3 days???).....so he removed $50 from our joint savings (now at $450) to cover whatever he is in need of buying. This is his 8 withdraw from the savings just this month.
So I went ahead and transferred the other $150 I took back to him, $50 back into the savings and $100 back into the checking and there's more that 10 days before he'll get paid again.
So today I wake up to our joint account being over drawn -$334 because one of his auto-payments on a school debt came out.
So now out joint savings is down to $368 b/c he's withdrawn a few more times.... I go ahead and transfer $335 out of the savings to cover the overdrawn checking checking.... we now have $30 in our joint savings and $.58 in our joint checking.
Ridiculous....but hey, not my problem....well technically it is b/c my name is still on both of the accounts!!!
So I called the bank again today and complained that they would not allow me to remove my names from these accounts when I showed up to the branch.... she claims I was told wrong information....and that I should be able to get a form, but I will have to send it to H, get him to sign it and send it back to me......awesome
So I will go today and get this form and attempt to get H to sign and send it back to me promptly. I am so tired of seeing his flakey financial situation and how he's spent the savings I worked so hard to build, he contributed nothing to. 2.5 years worth of money I saved gone in just weeks. He's even spent all of the $4,000 policy money he pulled out a few months ago.
I've printed out all records of the account balances for the last 2 years, showing all of his withdrawls incase having that can be useful in the future.
On a positive note, this as been my only dilemma concerning H... since "letting go"..... I feel much better. No more wishing and wondering when the fog will lift.... accepting that it most likely won't life has been a great help TO ME (I know it's not for everyone). I think about H soooo much less. And I go over the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" almost never, now.
Now my main worries are thinking about dating again....
I was on another forum online and they were discussing how one should NOT date someone who is in the process of divorce, how they should run in to opposite direction and tell the person in divorce process to call them after the divorce is final. I realize many of these people are speaking in ignorance not experience and don't realize that some people are LBS' that have no contact w/ a spouse and some divorces take a while...but still, I worry if I did happen to meet someone that I liked at this point, how to explain my sitch......sheesh. I think I'll just continue to focus on me for now though.
Well I try not to talk about my sitch much... as re-hashing and dwelling isn't always with purpose, just ranting to rant....so I just wanted to rant-slightly/journal and get it out.
.... *sigh* H just called to explain why the account over drafted...and said that he plans to take his name off of the accounts in several weeks. I told him I have no connections to the account so it would be smarter to just do it my way.... (all his automatic bills payments and direct deposits are connected, I have no ties to those accounts as I changed my direct deposit already)
He then went on to say he visited a friend in Georgia (so I was right about him going on a trip) who was unfortunately paralyzed recently.... then he met up with another "friend" and that friend's mother wanted the address and name of the paralyzed guy so she could send him cards and pray for him.... H said the mother reminded him of my mother. *sigh*
I'm assuming, but I'm pretty sure it was his X-girlfriend and her mom (he use to live with her and her mom).
Then he went on to talk about his own mom and how he's detaching from the unhealhty relationship he has with her. How she's now homeless, but he doesn't care, he knows it's from her poor actions she displays time and time again (something i told him to do years ago, he always put her needs first and gave her money etc...but NOW he's had the revelation for himself)
Then he went on to brag he's been "smoke free" for four months now (something he lied to me about before marriage, then after marriage when I found out he was a smoker and he said he wouldn't stop)
I felt like crying especially when he said the woman reminded him of my mom as she has no issues going up to people praying for them and encouraging them...*sigh*
I tried several times to end the convo, but he kept talking.
He asked how I was... I kept it brief....said I was ok...same old stuff, nothing much new. He asked about the dog.
Then he asked what times am I available through out the day b/c I work at night.
I said on and off, no specific times.... why??? (because i assume he's asking b/c he wants to call and talk about the dissolution)
He said no specific reason, just wanted to know what was a good time to call in the future. (sure)
This is the first time we've had more than a 2 min conversation in the last 2 months.
I can't wait till he no longer has to call me.
I'm emotional and shaky now. So annoying.
Mimi I'm really sorry you're back on the emotional rollercoaster. I do so much better as well when I don't have to hear from her or see her name. I'm sure she feels the same about me.
What are your next steps?
What are your GAL plans for the next few days to help get your mind off of things?
What are your GAL plans for the next few days to help get your mind off of things?
Hey K, thanks for your reply. Yeah, I've been up and down all day b/c of his call. Just when the thoughts were occurring less...tears for the first time in over a month, through out the day. *ugh* But while at work tonight, I watched a live-stream of a bible study and several things were said that really got my mind back on track....I really needed that.
I've been working 6 days a week all month so making money has been my GAL lol
But tomorrow I'm going to lunch with a young lady I've never met before. My mom met her at the airport while on a layover in the big city near me. From what my mom tells me, she's in her 20's and her husband left her & their daughter and 4 years later they got back together.... but now she is somewhat regretting taking him back and she was crying in the airport to my mother about it and they exchanged numbers.
She asked my mother if I could contact her since we live near each other, so I stepped out out my comfort zone and texted her (old me hates my mom trying to hook me up with people, and I totally would have been negative and rejected meeting up w/ this girl). So we are meeting up tomorrow evening. I purposely picked a restaurant in the neighborhood I may potentially be moving to in a few months when my lease is up; so I can drive around before hand and see the area as well.
Also I made a good friend over the summer in my home-state that I moved from several months ago. She is in her early 20's and has been coming to me to help her w/ direction in life etc... I've helped her w/ getting into church and building her relationship w/ God. She wants to work w/ youth and that what I do, work w/ homeless youth. A position opened at my agency and I got her an interview and she got the job so she'll be moving here in a few weeks. So that will be nice to have someone else I know here.
Also, for the last month I've been working on building a website;I do graphic work as well so I've got a logo etc...together at this point. Just have to figure out what I want to focus on w/ the content of the site. Since I work at night I have a lot of free day time hours and the thing that gets most of my attention during day time hours to keep my mind off my sitch is the internet (most people i know are at work during the day), so I figured I might as well use that time more productively and start a website for fun and encouragement for myself and others and hopefully it will grow into something interesting.
I was finally able to get my named removed from our joint accounts today.
I have to give 2 bank documents to my H for it to be finalized.
I scanned the Docs and plan to email them to him.
I also plan for this to be our last real communication as there's nothing more to be said (our bank accounts were the last tie we had).
To my knowledge he has yet to file for dissolution (he never sent the petition to me to sign so it could be filed and the process could start; unless he was able to file alone, I do't think it has been filed)....so there's no need to talk again until the process starts.
Below is the email I plan to send, if any one is out there, Vet's or non-vets, I would love feed back on my letter.....if it's too wordy etc... I'm open to any help
"Good Afternoon,
As of today, my name has been removed from the joint checking and savings accounts. I no longer have access to either. Attached is a PDF file containing 3 pages; please print, date and sign (on line #1 of page 1 and 3 only [should have different account #’s at top]) and have the documents notarized. Then please physically mail them to me (at this address) so that I can return them to the bank and removal can be finalized.
Two weeks ago when I transferred $250 from the joint checking as repayment for the loan I gave you in July you asked for $100 to be returned, I complied. I also ended up returning the remaining $150 back the next day ($100 of it to the checking, $50 to the savings) as the accounts were both very low and you wouldn’t be getting paid again for several days. So the entire balance on the loan is still owed, please let me know how you plan to repay the $300.00 requested from the $600.00 loan and in what time frame.
On page 4 of the Petition for Dissolution it states that there are to be “no canceling, modifying, terminating, or allowing to lapse for nonpayment of premiums, any policies of health insurance, homeowner’s or renters insurance, or automobile insurance that provides coverage to either parties or of any policy of life insurance that names either parties” with out 14 days notice & written permission from me, or a court order. In spite of having this information in your possession you have cancelled health insurance and did not want to reinstate it at the same level of coverage solely for me. The only policy remaining that involves us both , to my knowledge, is the car insurance. I expect you will continue to cover that on my behalf until there is a court order that says differently, as you know I cannot afford to cover it on my own at this time.
Any further communication/exchange of documentation and information, please make through email or mail. Lastly, I ask that my emails concerning these matters remain private and not be forwarded/shared with any parties that are not directly involved in this process.
Thank you & have a good day,"
Mimi, I think you did a good job sticking to business and standing your ground on your rights.
Will this be a letter he does not expect to receive?
I would just finish it as "Thank you, or sincerely" not "have a good day" because really do you mean it? If you do, leave it.
Hey K, thanks for the feed back.
He is not expecting the letter/email...he is expecting to get an update at some point on the documents needed to remove my name from the accounts....but i am sure she wasn't expecting me to get it done and have my name removed with in 48 hours of talking about it.
I said have a good day bc I was initially going to send it during day hours and I know wouldve read it at work....i think its a habit I guess to say it b/c I work I a service related job. When I go to stores i'm more courteous than the cashiers checking me out lol
I am nervous to send the letter.... I may we d it in the morning after a few tweaks.
I met up with the young women my mom wanted me to meet tonight...she was nice. I didnt care for her saying things about her husband like "this one just wont seem to go away". I wanted to reply "do you know how many peop le would love to be in your shoes?" .... they've been seperated several times and keep getting back together. Maybe when I get to know her better I can suggest some books to read that can help her be more positive about her marriage. It was nice to meet a potential new friend though.
Glad to hear you met a new friend. Perhaps when she says things like that, you could let her know how it makes you feel. It's a good chance to work on validating her, but expressing your own feelings as well. For instance, "I hear you saying he just won't seem to go away, how does that make you feel?" She responds, and you can say, "I understand why it might make you feel that way." Then you could let her know how that makes you feel. She might not know she is offending you unless you tell her. In my situation, I wish that I had the opportunity you had, and it makes me feel more hurt when you mention your husband in that regard.
Good morning K. Thanks for the advice. Im not offended by what she said....it's just that there are plenty of people on this on this board alone who would love to be in the position to work on their marriage again....so its just a matter of not seein your blessings insfead of seeing the negatives...(i assume she's a WAS during their multiple seperations though) they just need the proper tools.
Well I emailed my H after tweaking it a bit and he responded with in 5 minutes:
"Good morning, I will be sure to get those things the paperwork back to you as soon as possible along with the paperwork for the divorce with you can look over and sign and get notorize as well. . ... The car insurance. .. I will continue to help with that. ... As soon as I get these finances together as you know (school debt name) changed my account twice causing some problems, I will repay that loan.
I hope you have a great weekend, take care!"
And just a note, that was the first time he has use the word Divorce. Usually he calls it "the paper work" he has never used the word in this process, not even during BD, until this response. Dont know what that means....just making a note of it.
Good job getting it taken care of, seems like we are both on the same unalterable course right now. Keep being awesome.
Just journaling: Last weekend there was a big snow fall on friday night and I had to be at work by 7 am on Saturday. While on the highway 2 cars in front of me hit their brakes to stop (I guess someone had car troubles)....so I had the choice to hit my brakes and possibly slide into them, or attempt to get in the next lane b/c it was empty.... I chose to get in the next lane and ended up spinning across a 4 lane highway....watching the cars that were behind me (fortunately significantly behind) start to hit there breaks and start to swerve a bit as well.
After my car came to a stop on the side of the highway I was a bit shaken....no accidents, thank God... normally I would take a minute to breath and call my H to let him know what happen and so would tell me everything is going to be ok and say that he was glad that I am safe.
But I had no H to call, no H that cares whether I am okay or not. So I just got back on the road and made it to work on time.
It's sad when times like this happen and I realize just how "alone" I am w/ no family with-in 6 hrs. But I will just have to continue to keep getting back on the road.....
Hi mimi, I'm s sorry you got into that accident. I hope that you are unhurt from that.
I understand you want to reach out to your H in that situation. I understand how you might have felt as I've also encountered such incident too.
Mimi - I am sorry to hear about your accident. I know that feeling of wanting to reach out to H and share something that happened (either good or bad). I try and reach out to a friend (or even come here) and share things to take away the feeling of being alone. But I know that it is just not the same.
Digdeeper and 3bm, thank you for your words....fortunately it was just unplanned sleigh ride on the highway
and everyone was safe.
Hi Mimi, I can empathize with that feeling . . . being scared, or nervous, or excited, or proud, and not having H to share it with. (Also, sliding on ice and that moment where you have no idea what is going to happen - ack!) It hurts. I can only hope that at some point we get used to it, or maybe even just don't have that thought anymore before getting back on the road.
I wonder if your H hadn't used the word D before because he felt you would react to it. Your cooperation lately probably has him thinking that you are fine with it now. (After all, if he tells himself that story, he doesn't have to feel guilty, right?) I know that is mind reading, but just throwing it out there. I know you're not going to do or change anything based on what he may or may not be thinking.
That is sad about your friend's comments . . . I sometimes see Hs and Ws arguing or scoffing or snapping or rolling their eyes at each other and I want to say, "please stop."
Then I saw the cutest elderly couple yesterday at Whole Foods. They both walked very slowly but he was still helping his W navigate the snowy parking lot. They were both so kind, chatting with the cashier and the W with me. It made me feel so happy for them, and so f-ing sad for me, because that was what I wanted with H, and that dream is gone. But who knows, maybe I can find it with someone else someday. And you can, too, Mimi. You are young, and smart, and have so much to offer. Your biggest problem in finding someone will probably be that you are so much more evolved than most people your age.
Then I saw the cutest elderly couple yesterday at Whole Foods. They both walked very slowly but he was still helping his W navigate the snowy parking lot. They were both so kind, chatting with the cashier and the W with me. It made me feel so happy for them, and so f-ing sad for me, because that was what I wanted with H, and that dream is gone. But who knows, maybe I can find it with someone else someday. And you can, too, Mimi. You are young, and smart, and have so much to offer. Your biggest problem in finding someone will probably be that you are so much more evolved than most people your age.
When I see cute couples, I usually think the exact same thing. I have started to remind myself that I am just seeing a small piece of their life and don't know their story. I tend to see an old couple and think "how cute..they are probably high school sweethearts who are now growing old together." Yet, I have no idea. They could have met last year or years ago after they each D. It is the same reason I got off FB. My H post pictures of himself doing stuff with the kids to get comments of "you are the best dad ever." Yet, people have no idea that my H was MIA as a dad for a year. I think that we do more harm than good when we look at others lives and compare them to our own because we never know the real story.
You are so right, 3bm. That couple was easily 40 years my senior - who knows what can happen in my life in 40 years? (Hmm, that's the first time I have looked at it like that!) I am trying to place more of my focus on "maybe I can still have that" rather than, "I will never have that with H."
When you guys look at other people's sitches, do you think, "oh, that poor woman, She will never find anyone again"? LOL! Of course not. Why are we so negative about ourselves?
On a completely unrelated note, why does Miley Cryus feel compelled to be naked in all her music videos?
Sorry for the hijack, Mimi.
Thanks Melissa for your kind words. Sometimes I think I may not find someone else, and you know what, I am kind of OK with that. Maybe because at this point I don't really want to learn someone else again? Relationships are a lot of work to have a good one.....and I don't know, it would have to be a really really REALLY great guy to make me consider marriage again. These days, even when I do have
rare thoughts of my H possibly wanting to come back someday, it is somewhat scary instead of desirable. I'm happy with my own space right now. Just me and my crazy dog lol
I wonder if your H hadn't used the word D before because he felt you would react to it. Your cooperation lately probably has him thinking that you are fine with it now. (After all, if he tells himself that story, he doesn't have to feel guilty, right?) I know that is mind reading, but just throwing it out there. I know you're not going to do or change anything based on what he may or may not be thinking.
I thought maybe it was b/c my email to him was so business-like. Also I don't think he expected me to get my name pulled from the accounts so quickly. I did it w/in 48 hours of discussing it with him. What he doesn't realize is I don't NEED him. I never have. I WANTED him. He makes double (sometimes triple) what I make and I have been able to save a few thousand in the last few months of being alone.
While he has spent several thousand.
The day I removed my name from the accounts the checking had $150, the savings had been wiped out down to $25 and he had another week or so until he got paid again.... I assume he survived though. *shrugs*
Just as your H has a "dad pad" I'm sure my H has createed his own bachelor pad, that's the only logical thing I can assume our savings went to. Before I blocked him on social media I saw him invite several young ladies to visit..... O_o
My H is actually in your state. He loves it there and plans to be there for 5 years, snowboarding every weekend, living in his fantasy world.
Just as your H said he's so happy and his life is great; mine told me that where he lives now, his life daily is "stress free" and every day he wakes up with out me, he feels as if "nothing is missing". Yes, he said that lol
On a completely unrelated note, why does Miley Cryus feel compelled to be naked in all her music videos?
I'm sure her break up w/ her fiance has a lot to do with "new Miley"....having that make you just not care anymore and want to live life the way you want to b/c living it the "PC" way still got your heart broken.
Hopefully it's majority just an act and she doesn't do the all to downward spiral entertainer path.
It's not attractive at all...
I think that we do more harm than good when we look at others lives and compare them to our own because we never know the real story.
It's funny, several months ago, around the start of my sitch I was on FB and it was my cousin's ex-wife's birthday (they divorced several months prior). I don't know her well, I've only met her once, but I decided to wish her HBD b/c I knew he left her. She responded "Thanks 'Mimi', you have a good life, I hope you are grateful".
Way to assume lady....way to assume! I was so annoyed. What was she basing the assumption of my o so "good life" off of? a few FB photos? Little did she know I was/am going through the same thing she is. smh.
When I look at couples now, I tend to say a little prayer for them b/c I KNOW better. I never want any one to experience what I have. Divorce seems to be every where in the last several months... or maybe I just notice it more b/c of my sitch? Either way, it makes me a bit sick to my stomach.
Mimi, it's great that you are happy with your own space right now.
I can totally relate to having very little interest in ever getting married again, but I am holding out hope that some day I will change my mind . . . and maybe you will too.
[quote[Just as your H said he's so happy and his life is great; mine told me that where he lives now, his life daily is "stress free" and every day he wakes up with out me, he feels as if "nothing is missing". Yes, he said that lol[/quote]
I don't get it. How does a person say this to another person, and not realize how incredibly selfish and hurtful that is?
Super, your life is soooooo wonderful. Why do you have to tell the person you shared it with for X years?
I'm not even sure I believe it. Or maybe it's that I don't believe that they know what "happy" means. Or maybe I just expect more from my life than my H does from his. I can't envision being happy away from my family, spending hours looking online for a date so I can get my validation from someone else.
Do you think your H is going to be happy with living his stress free life forever? Or will he want more? Who knows. I guess it doesn't matter.
It's funny, several months ago, around the start of my sitch I was on FB and it was my cousin's ex-wife's birthday (they divorced several months prior). I don't know her well, I've only met her once, but I decided to wish her HBD b/c I knew he left her. She responded "Thanks 'Mimi', you have a good life, I hope you are grateful".
Ha. Well, it just goes to show. We really don't have any idea what is going on in anyone's homes or in their heads. Since H moved out, I found out that one of my friends would love to D her H, and doesn't even love him, but is staying with him until the kids are grown.
I never would have guessed.
When I look at couples now, I tend to say a little prayer for them b/c I KNOW better. I never want any one to experience what I have. Divorce seems to be every where in the last several months... or maybe I just notice it more b/c of my sitch? Either way, it makes me a bit sick to my stomach.
It makes me sick to my stomach too. I just think it is so sad. I can't imagine wishing this on my worst enemy. It has been truly awful. I remember toward the beginning of my sitch, I finally understood why people contemplated suicide. I did not; I would NEVER do that bc I am too much of a weenie but more importantly bc I have two kids. But I thought, OH. Now I get it. You really can feel so bad that you see no hope and no point. Thankfully, I feel somewhat better now, but I still would never wish this on anyone.
Then I saw the cutest elderly couple yesterday at Whole Foods. They both walked very slowly but he was still helping his W navigate the snowy parking lot. They were both so kind, chatting with the cashier and the W with me. It made me feel so happy for them, and so f-ing sad for me, because that was what I wanted with H, and that dream is gone.
I remember meeting an elderly couple like that once and thinking "wow, after decades together they still show that much love to each other!!" Then I found out they had been married about 5 years, LOL! Another time an elderly couple was in line in front of me at Walmart and the young lady in front of them asked how long they had been married, the woman said "45 years!" Then the man said "and 12 of them were really good!" Hahaha! I've shared this story before, but after BD and S I was at meet-the-teacher night with W. There was a happy family across from us and I remember thinking "if you only knew how lucky you are to not have a broken family like ours." Then the mom held up a piece of artwork their son had done, handed it to her H and said "why don't you take this to your house." LOL! They were separated just like us. So when you're out walking around looking at others, things are rarely as they seem. If you start talking to people you discover that almost everyone has marital problems of some kind or another, it's crazy.
Back in June/July when my H BD'd, he wanted to get away from the aftermath of his BD and went see his family that lived 3 hrs away. After a week of NC and letting him breath 3 hrs away...it was July 4th and I texted him and asked what was he doing to celebrate, and if I could visit and watch the fireworks w/ him, if he didn't have plans? He said "sure, we're still family".... after reading that I changed my mind and said "sorry, I shouldn't have asked", but then he begged me to come and told me his Aunt (my favorite person in his family), wanted to see me. So I went.
I got there are found out he had told his whole family that he was getting a D. Color me embarrassed. But his Aunt was still kind to me and told me "there are two sides to every story" and we talked as normal about various things and enjoyed the evening. We were discussing a certain Chef that was in the News at the time. She loves to cook and she mentioned a certain brand of cookware that the Chef had during the conversation; how nice, but expensive it was.
Since then, every time I see that brand of cookware in stores I think of her.
Funny enough, the cookware set is the same one I asked my H to buy me for Christmas 3 years ago (he didn't get it for me)...
So the cookware set went on sale and I decided to buy myself one and one for his aunt. I was a little nervous about buying something for her; we still "like" each others pictures on FB and she comments when I post something interesting, but I was still unsure (allowing my fear of what they would think of me; like if they'd think I was weird and ask why the "ex" sending us stuff? b/c as far as they know we are D'd.)
I went against my fear and sent it anyways. She received it today and posted a photo of it on FB saying thanks. Then she sent me a private message saying how she loves it and she's speechless for the first time and in tears.
I am happy I followed my feelings and got her the set. She took care of my H when his own mother wouldn't and she's always putting others needs before her own...so I am happy I was able to do something that made her feel good.
Do you think your H is going to be happy with living his stress free life forever? Or will he want more? Who knows. I guess it doesn't matter.
Well, when we last talked (well he talked, I listened and rolled my eyes) he had just taken a vacation and said how much he "needed to just get away". I wanted to be a sarcastic jerk and say "whaaaat? you needed to get away and take a break from your utopia???? no wayyy?!!!"
Oh well.
I remember toward the beginning of my sitch, I finally understood why people contemplated suicide. I did not; I would NEVER do that bc I am too much of a weenie but more importantly bc I have two kids. But I thought, OH. Now I get it. You really can feel so bad that you see no hope and no point. Thankfully, I feel somewhat better now, but I still would never wish this on anyone.
Yes, there are some days when I think about the future and I get excited. Then other days when I think about the future and I don't know how I am going to make it, it's going to be hard work to get to where I want to be.
When H and I started a relationship I was 22 yrs old in grad school....I graduated, we married. Then his career became the focus, we moved where he would be most successful and my goals went on the back burner and new goals were created to the bettering of "US". Now it's like I am in the same position I was in before grad school, I actually make less money than I made when I was in school before my degree. Hilarious..... o_O
So yeah.... realizing I lost 7 years and I am (in many ways, not all) no better off at 30 than I was at 22...[censored]. Then to think of all the hard work I need to do to make up for lost and wasted time can be overwhelming. I too understand how people feel like they just don't have the strength to continue on. But I know I am much better off than so many people on this earth and I just have to count my blessings and keep moving. I will get to my destination soon enough.
We all will.
I've shared this story before, but after BD and S I was at meet-the-teacher night with W. There was a happy family across from us and I remember thinking "if you only knew how lucky you are to not have a broken family like ours." Then the mom held up a piece of artwork their son had done, handed it to her H and said "why don't you take this to your house." LOL! They were separated just like us. So when you're out walking around looking at others, things are rarely as they seem. If you start talking to people you discover that almost everyone has marital problems of some kind or another, it's crazy.
Funny. I was thinking about this this morning . . . I make some random connections sometimes. I was getting VO2 max testing, and I was thinking, but this is just a snapshot of some random time . . . who knows what my body is doing the rest of the time - kinda like how you see a snapshot of people - families, married couples, etc. And you just have no idea what the other 99% of the time is like.
The message of the week at my martial arts studio last week was "don't make assumptions." Harder than it sounds. But so true.
Mimi, that was really kind of you to send your H's aunt the cookware. Not just kind, but courageous. I love it.
Mimi, you really did a nice thing by sending her the cookware set. That speaks volumes about your character, even in the middle of your situation, you're showing love to others. That's quite a testimony and actions do speak louder than your words ever would.
I did just want to touch on being able to find someone else. You will have no trouble. I can hear in your posts just how much you have grown. It may take more time before you look forward to meeting someone else, but you will take the skills you've learned through this process to make an awesome second relationship.
I went out with about 5 women before I found one that I felt a connection with. Nothing has happened with her, but I felt like I needed to at least meet someone to give me hope that there would be life after divorce. Our WAS are not the same people we married, nor are we, the LBS, the same person that they married. It's really important to me that I find someone that knows how difficult it is to work on a relationship and especially a marriage, and that they won't just bail in hard times. I know so much more of what to ask for now, how to communicate, and how to deal with conflict. I believe you have learned all these things too.
We have no control over our situations, but I believe you have responded beautifully to the position you were thrust into, and you will overcome. The sermon series at my church right now is about the Promised Land, it's shown online if you want to watch it. It's regarding the Israelites deliverance from Egypt, wandering in the wilderness for 40 years, and then finding the Promised Land. In a Gallup poll, only 13% of Christians felt like they were living in the Promised Land. This series is about leaving the past behind and focusing on the future and reaching your proverbial Promised Land while on this earth. This is the Oak Hills Church series led by Max Lucado, you can watch online, you may get a benefit out of the series.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! Stay strong.
It's really important to me that I find someone that knows how difficult it is to work on a relationship and especially a marriage, and that they won't just bail in hard times. {/quote]
For me, my personal issue with that is.... I did that the first time.
We discussed numerous times before marriage how serious marriage was and what hard work it was going to be. My parents even sat us down when he asked my father for "my hand in marriage"... and talked to us about the seriousness and my husband reassured them he would take care of me for the rest of his life, there was nothing I could do to make him want to leave and divorce would NEVER be an option for him.
He clearly didn't know himself well enough (and many people don't). He thought he had the backbone for marriage, he doesn't. He was convinced our marriage would survive anything and he'd always want to do the work it took to avoid divorce.
He left....
I think that's why it would be so hard for me.
[quote]
The sermon series at my church right now is about the Promised Land, it's shown online if you want to watch it. It's regarding the Israelites deliverance from Egypt, wandering in the wilderness for 40 years, and then finding the Promised Land. In a Gallup poll, only 13% of Christians felt like they were living in the Promised Land. This series is about leaving the past behind and focusing on the future and reaching your proverbial Promised Land while on this earth. This is the Oak Hills Church series led by Max Lucado, you can watch online, you may get a benefit out of the series.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! Stay strong.
Thanks for the info, I will look it up and try to check it out.
One of the churches I keep up w/ online did a series on Exodus recently as well. This pastor focused on each plaque and the fact that the plaques/hard times had to come in order for the Israelites to finally be free.
Concerning Pharaoh, Moses wanted to compromise w/ Pharaoh to have the Israelites set free....but the lessons learned from that:
"You can not compromise with people who think their gifts and abilities belong to them and not God.
You can not compromise with people who don't know God, OR act in a manner as if they do not know God.
You can not compromise with people who do not realize God is in charge.
You can not compromise with people with hard hearts."
Funny enough I heard this the same day, a few hours after, I tried to get my H to reinstate my Health insurance....after hearing that I decided to let the issue go and come to grips w/ the fact that H is no longer my H and I have to handle him as such...I can't expect the best from him anymore...he is now Pharaoh, full of pride and thinks his ways are the best, he is only thinking of how he benefits from his choices.
This series is more focused on after they left Egypt, and forgot about the God that delivered them from the hands of Pharaoh. This series focuses on getting yourself out of the wilderness, where you are wandering around aimlessly, and toward living a fulfilling life on Earth, making your time here your "Promised Land."
Sounds like a message that's right on time K!
Sounds like a message that's right on time K!
I agree, the message last week was the overview, it's an 18 week series, so I thought it's very timely for both of us. I hope you enjoy it if you get a chance to watch!
No real update, just me rambling..... things have been quiet on this front. The last Ttime I talked to H through email he mentioned sending D paperwork and the bank forms ASAP....I think it has been a month since then? Im not sure....I gave him my work mailing address b/c I am moving at the end of March and him not sending the ASAP is no surprise...so I didnt want him to send it to my current address and not get it at all if I have already moved.
Valentines day was just another day....I truly enjoyed seeing all the posts on FB and IG of people sharing their gifts and acknowledging their loved ones.....and seeing guys going into office buildings w/ flowers to surprise their s/o and a girl with so many balloons I thought she was going to float away...the smile on her face was priceless as she took them to her car on her way to given them to her s/o. It made me smile.
I got a friend from my home state a job where I work so she is moving to where I am and will be staying with me for a few months (hopefullynindont regret this lol)... shes 25 and needs to learn to detach from her family (they are unhealthy people...she is holding her self back from progressing by taking care of her mom who is married to a jerk. When her mom found out she is moving her mom was very negative about the city shes coming to etc...when her brother found out he got angry with my friend and said with her leaving the mom will now be his responsibility and that is unfair [she lives with the mother and helps pay her rent b/c the step dad gambles away his end of the money and doesnt contribute to the house hold])
I told her she has to get on her feet first I order to truly be a help to her family...and her mom isnt her responsibility...if mom chooses to stay with a man who treats her badly and doesnt contribute to the household, that is her choice....not your problem.
But yeah... im not necessarily looking forward to a temporary roommate...but it will allow me to get a second job a she will be able to help w/ my dog's care....
So I am going to start looking for a daytime job that pays me what I am worth w/ a Master's degree and continue working my current night job (Its a 12hr shift, I am allowed to sleep after midnight) for a few more months and save everything i make there, then quit the night job and stick with the new day job I will hopefully get soon.
Im going to start looking for a new apartment at the start of March...I am excited and hoping for hard wood floors...lol
Not sure what stage I'm in......I'm not thinking of H as often but when I do, the thought usually ends in calling him a not so nice name in my head. I don't know if this is normal? lol
If I had a nickel for every time I call my H a bad name in my head . . .
I guess it's probably normal. It doesn't sound like you are holding on to anger and letting it negatively affect you, so that's good.
It's good to hear you doing so well, Mimi.
I love hardwood floors, too.
Mimi, there's a book that helped me recently and I suggest you check it out if you get an opportunity. The title is "The Four Agreements" and it changed my outlook on the situation and to some extent on life moving forward. It really helped me move on emotionally as well. Was cleaning out the garage yesterday, found an old picture of W I used to have hanging in my locker at work. For the first time, I had no flood of emotion. I'm looking at it from her point of view, she probably felt the same thing or lack of things for me before she left.
It's hard to take everyone's advice when they say detach, act as if you're moving on, get your own life. It sounds like you have taken this to heart though with the roommate, bettering your career prospects and such. I want to commend you on being an overcomer. Keep up the good work!
Thanks Melissa, I can't control much in life, but I will w/ having hard wood floors. That would brighten up my entire year. I'm a simple girl lol
K, thanks for the book suggestion, I will look into it.
I don't have any photos of H and I together, but before he left I made a photos album for him (for out wedding we collected photos from our family members and had a table filled w/ old photos framed differently, H I made copies of my families photos, but H took hard copies and never gave them back; so he had a stack of photos in his travel bag that had been in a plastic zip lock baggie for 4 years. Some of the photos were of his father who passed away... so a few days before he moved, I took them while he was outand made an album, mainly for that reason) that contained photos of us and even that week of the official bomb drop, the photos of us didn't make me sad.
I didn't bring any photos of him w/ me, but there are photos of him on my phone, but I never think to look at them.
What does bother me as far as photos go, is when I see people post photos of skiing/in gear etc.. or snowy mountain tops my heart skips a beat b/c my mind immediately thinks it's him([he's blocked so I KNOW it's cant be him but my mind freaks for a momemnt] b/c where he moved to is a resort town for skiing etc...and that's what all his photos he would post looked like in the last few months)....so I think it's pics of his "new life" that bother me far more than old pics.
Even today I looked at a random persons Instagram, just killing time and their first photo was view of the mountains from a hotel window in the city my H lives in now. I was just like, really? really?
Even in my current neighborhood the streets and named after cities where he is and his city is one of the streets names as well (not a popular name at all) .... WHAT ARE THE ODDS?????
I feel like detaching, "moving on" is really my only option for my own mental health and well being. I've seen people who still affected by their D a decade+ later....I can't do that. I want truly want to be free.
Maybe it's a bad thing? But if I can erase him from my memory, I will do so lol
Now that I know I am sticking around in the State I am in I already signed up for an obstacle course for this spring and another 5k to do in the summer.
I can't wait for the warmer weather and I will be living closer to the city which is full of activities so I will be GALing my heart out once this winter weather breaks.
Journal/rambling:
So now I am getting a bit overwhelmed.
I called today to set an appointment w/ a property management agency to view some apartments this weekend..... he said they want me to make 3x's the rest amount. So if rent is $850, they want me to make $2,550 a month.... I totally don't make that. lol
I was really looking forward to getting a place on my own and decorating etc...but now I'm thinking maybe I should make my temp roommate situation a permanent one? But then no decorating fun....and she's allergic to fish, she can't even breathe it in.... I eat fish a few times a week... no more fish for me?! I've been living my life around H for that last few years, I was really looking forward to be able to do my own thing anytime I wanted.....I so don't want a permanent roommate.
Also, I am nervous that I will pick a wrong/unsafe neighborhood b/c of what I can afford right now.... worry is starting to flood my thoughts. I'm going to sit down w/ a housing counselor in the city I want to move to so hopefully they can lead me down the right path.
I'm getting tired w/ working so much, especially when the majority of it goes into other peoples pockets.
Not sure why, but this week unfortunately H has been popping in to my thoughts more frequently....and I just pray to the thoughts of him to end permanently one day.
On the bright side is that I saw this really handsome guy this week, I found out his name and googled him, he's a former college athlete and he's a music DJ as a hobby(I love music!), he's well traveled too (don't judge me for google "researching"!!!!)... unfortunately he's 27 (I feel like the 30 year old tainted almost-divorcee, that a young guy like that probably wouldn't be interested in, but you never know?)...it's nice to day dream and think of the day maybe a nice guy like that would come my way. If I see him again, maybe I will get up the nerve to at least say hello and hope for the best.
Hi Miimi, sorry to hear about the apartment dilemma. Do you have to make a change in your living situation right away? Could you do the roommate thing for a bit and see how it goes? Who knows, maybe you will enjoy the company.
It's late here and my mind is not working that well, I guess, because when I first read your comments about the fish allergy, I was thinking she was allergic to a pet fish, like a goldfish in a bowl. I thought, "well, does she really need to PET the fish???" Then you said it can't even be in the air and I was REALLY confused. Hee hee.
Sorry you are working so much . . . are you doing what you want to be doing right now, or can you make a change?
Mimi, you are still SO young, and you don't have kids - there is so much opportunity out there for you to find love again - when you are ready.
Until then, you just keep stalking those cute boys.
Hi Miimi, sorry to hear about the apartment dilemma. Do you have to make a change in your living situation right away? Could you do the roommate thing for a bit and see how it goes? Who knows, maybe you will enjoy the company.
My current lease is up March 31st.... where I live now isn't ideal, I don't feel safe, but the surrounding towns are lovely though, I could possibly move to one of them if where I am considering it too unrealistic right now.
Where I am wanting to move is much close to the main city, and that is where all of my "new friends" i've made since BD live. So when I do hang out with them, they all catch the train home in 15 mins, while I am driving home alone for an hour. Also if I'm going to live the "single life" it would be much more fun and interesting in the city and not in the suburbs where it's more family oriented.
But I will definitely put a lot of thought into it...before I decide.
Sorry you are working so much . . . are you doing what you want to be doing right now, or can you make a change?
My job is ok, I use to love it, but now that I feel like i HAVE to work it survive, it feels different...I'm just growing tired. I am going to start looking for a possible second job that I can end up transitioning to for good that will hopefully pay much more than I currently make. Working is so overrated lol I wish I could just travel for the rest of my life....paint, dance and love.
Mimi, you are still SO young, and you don't have kids - there is so much opportunity out there for you to find love again - when you are ready.
Ha... for the first time in life I am buying age creams and vitamin C serums to hopefully knock and 5 years off of my face. The crying and swelling of my eyes over the last year has definitely done a number on my under eye area. I feel like I have to "compete" again... I've never been one to wear make up, but I'm buying it now and shall learn how to apply it. lol
It's amazing how time flies my birthday is in April... a few days before my 30th birthday in 2013 my H told me maybe we shouldn't be together. In several weeks it will be that time of year again....I hate that I feel that a year of my life was some what "lost".... I definitely learned things over this year... but sheesh.... I will be 31. I can't wrap my brain around that, as I never really got the chance to wrap it around 30.
I had a few agencies show me apartments yesterday... there was one I loved....so today I printed my credit score & report, made copies of my ID, made copies of my check stub and other income and confidently turned it all in with the application (they only needed the app and were going to do the leg work for the rest on their own)...they said thanks and they'd get back to me on if I was approved in two days.....but with in an hour they called and said everything I turned in looked great and the apt was mine!
So they will email me the lease to bring back in w/ my deposit.
Hard wood floors, here I come!
This is the first time I have been able to get an apt. With just my name on the lease.... I got my first. Apt at 21 and my dad co-signed....then age 24-29 H was on our married leases....after BD I moved and where I live now told me I didnt make enough and I had to crawl to H and beg (well ask...but it felt like beg) him to sign with me so I could live in this crap hole w/ scary neighbors....and an outside door that my dog has ran out of twice and scared me to death that I wouldnt find him or he'd be hit by a car.
So this feels good. I hope things continue to look up.
God is good.
God bless, I'm excited for you and the doggie. I hope it's a warm and happy home during the whole time you live there 😊
Yay, Mimi, I am so excited for you! It will be great to have your own place, with only your name on the lease, hardwood floors AND near all the action!
Plus, I am betting it will feel like a fresh start. Even though your H didn't live in your current place, I am betting that you went through some really tough times there. Now, upward and onward!!
Thanks so much Unbidden
Thanks Melissa, yup, fresh start. I am just hoping things stay on an upward swing b/c it sure feels good
Glad things are looking positive for you Mimi! Keeping you in my prayers and thoughts! I hope you get to decorate it to your tastes.
Thanks K and thank you for your prayers and thoughts... much appreciated.
I asked the friend that's staying w/ me, to stay until I can quit my current job (i hope to in the next 3 months), b/c I work a 12 hr night shift and my dog has been soooo good staying home alone, but I feel bad and even though I know he's sleeping, it can't be good to "hold it" that long and I never want to do that to him again.... I would've never done it had it not been for my sitch... but having her living there is helpful w/ the dog b/c she takes him out and plays w/ him at night when I'm not there. Right now I am 15-20 mins from my job, and when I move I will be 35-45 mins away and that totally wouldn't be cool for the dog.
So she's going to stay for a few months w/ us b/c also to her advantage, staying with me gives her a chance to save money that she would not have an opportunity to save otherwise. SO it's a win/win.... but hopefully I will be able to have t0 come to an end/end in 3-4 months lol because I do love my own space so I hope to find a new day job soon then quit my night job after working 2 jobs and saving for a few weeks.
Also something I noticed.... it's funny how time changes perspective. When my H left and said he didn't want anything.... and all of our stuff was left behind in storage for me to pay on my own, and I didn't want any of it either b/c I thought it would remind me of him (which I am sure it will upon initial viewing b/c all of that stuff I worked my butt off to purchase w/ no help from him, to decorate our place and make it a beautiful and comfortable home).
But now that some time has passed, I do want to my stuff back and I am excited to see it(there's a large entertainment heavy center cabinet and coffee table set and a wooden bed frame I want to get rid of, but everything else I can totally use and want!). My new apartment has multiple rooms and I am excited to decorate! Hopefully I will be able to drive and get it in April.
I can't believe it, but April will be a year since H said "I love you, I would die for you.....but maybe we shouldn't be together".... O_o
Things truly do get better when you let go, trust the process and just live life and see the process through to the end...don't rush it, don't slow it down....let it ride.
Every once in a while I will think of something that makes me teary, but other than those rare occasions, things are so much brighter than they were a few months ago. So for anyone who is still feeling low, know it does get better if you just accept what is and become open to all possibilities....PLAN A, B, and Z....and know whatever plan takes form you will be able to handle it and be better b/c of it.
I was emailed my lease to print and sign today and I was actually proud to see the blank spot next to my name.
I've worked my butt off these last few months, and half of what I've saved will have to go to my deposit (lol i hate that) but I feel like this is what I have been prepared for in the last few months... I don't know what will happen but I feel ready for it. Some of our brightest moments are cultivated in the darkest times.... I am ready for the sun to shine!
The thought of me filing has crossed my mind a few times.
I don't feel comfortable dating and still being technically married. (Not that I have been approached by anyone but old men thus far lol...but once I move I know I will there will be much more of a chance to run into people my age etc... and I just couldn't and don't want to have to tell someone I am "technically married").
But then I think that maybe that's what my H may want, for me to file so he doesn't have to spend the money.... or so then I can be the "bad guy" instead.
The last contact I had with him in January I gave him my work address b/c I knew he wouldn't send it before i move from my current address, even though I gave him the heads up that I will be leaving here at the end of March.
If he doesn't send it before I quit my job, then I won't receive it.... I am not giving him my new address, I don't want him to know where I will be living or anything about my life. If he doesn't send anything by the time I quit my job, I will send him an email and let him know to send any mail to my parents address and they will mail to me.
I changed my name on twitter, IG ... and I will soon on FB as well. I am thinking of changing my phone number too. I've had the same cell number since I was 19; I think it may be time for a change. But I don't want to exist to him and I don't want him to exist to me... I don't know if that is a strange feeling to have?
I don't know if this is weird as well, but I am thinking of going by a nick-name (and that's funny b/c I usually hate nick names/shortened names... if your name is Robert, I prefer to call you that over Rob).
When I initially thought about going by a shortened version of my real name, I was like, maybe that would be strange? But then a few days later the message at church was about how God changed Abram name to Abraham (as well as others) b/c they had a new life and a new mission. So I felt that was confirmation of my thought to "shorten" my name... plus it's much cooler & cute.
I feel like I am a new person and I have a new mission... I don't want to go back to being "mimi" in life any more or in my next relationship... I just want to be "mi" (me)...the new me.
Journaling:
Life is pretty plain these days, but I will not complain. I will take plain over stress and worry any day.
I've been thinking more and more about getting out there to date.
I've been wondering more and more about the guy from the church I visit every once in a while... last time I was there we did make eye contact. I haven't been back since that day b/c I've had to work, but I will be in attendance to the next 3 Sundays, before I move...so if I see him again I will make an attempt to smile or say hello.
I am putting together a team for a 5k run in June....I am doing a 180 and reaching out to people I don't normally talk to and inviting them to join.
Also I did a 180 and offered to help a former co-worker and friend w/ moving on Friday...at first she said she didn't need the help, but then later she said she did and will contact me w/ more info. Normally I keep to myself more, but I am stepping out of my box to being there for people more, to be a better friend... and actually not be afraid to label someone a "friend".
From past experience I found most "friends" to be hurtful... so years ago I decided to never get too close. H was my first close friend as an adult and he proved me right and hurt me.... but I won't let that experience keep me closed. I want to be more open to change, hurt, growth and whatever else comes. I want to be able to handle it and not let the "hurt" actually "hurt".... but know it's not always about me. So I'm putting my self out there more.
For a GAL I am attending a Meetup dinner at the end of the month as well. I was made and "organizer" in one of the Meetup groups I am a part of, so it will be fun to create events that I am interested in and have people want to take part.
I spent the last week or so making a really fancy updated resume.
So I am going to start my job hunt. I am hoping to find something I can stick with for a while that pays much better than where I currently work.
One goal I would like to set is working out more and by mid-April hopefully losing 10-15 lbs.
If I can do that, life will be pretty darn good.
Mimi, you sound great!
If/when you get D, are you going to take back your maiden name?
When do you move into your new apartment?
It sounds like you have a lot to look forward to, and I think it's great that you are putting yourself out there more. Great goals with the job and working out! Exercise helps me soooo much.
You don't have to have a whole bunch of BFFs. Just one is wonderful, and two if you are really lucky! Don't let anyone in that close unless they earn it. But let them earn it - give it a chance!
Hi Melissa!
My last name is currently hyphenated. I may shorten it back to my maiden, I haven't really thought about it too much.
When a made my new resume, I used his last name just for design purposes, my first name and his last name have the same amount of letters....and I put my name "design-like" fashion at the top, with my first name on top of the last name. The last name means absolutely nothing to me...but yeah, I will probably rid of it.
I move March 31st... I can't wait!
Currently a skunk has taken residence under the stairs in front of my window (I live in a "garden"/basement apartment) this leads to many smelly nights. I filed an online complaint and called the apartment office to complain and they've done nothing.
As far as friends, I have always kept to myself... I didn't show my personality b/c I use to worry about judgment and to masked my worry w/ the excuse that people should have to "deserve" or be "worth it"for me to open up and show them me. So it's definitely a 180 for me to be more open.... let go of the fear of their judgement and also realizing I am "special" and hey why not gift people with my awesomeness a little more often?!
I definitely am able to get comfortable with people much quicker now and seeing that people do like my personality/accept me makes it easier (the more I think about it, the more I realize H made all my worst fears come true through this D and rejection of me). Also simply not caring what others think is the true lesson.
I will definitely be luckily to have 1-2 true & dependable friends where I live (I do have 2 good friends from college but we all live in different states)....but I wouldn't mind several friendly associates as well. I just want to have fun.
I've been so serious for most of my life, I've never really lived...I was always the girl who followed the rules....too scared to just relax and be myself in front of others. I focused on school & working until I was 23 then when I finished that I got married... I married someone who was fun and made me laugh and who i was 100% comfortable w/ being myself with...I thought we'd have many adventures, I thought he'd help me be more open, but I guess I was the stronger personality? b/c he changed to be more like me (which I never expected or wanted), then resented me for it. *shrugs* Ah well...
But I will definitely be careful with exposing my heart to just anyone.
Thanks so much for your post Melissa.
Welp, I was having a pretty pleasant day today.
I just took the dog out for a walk and decided to check the mail b/c I hadn't in a few days (all of my important mail goes to my job).
There was a large envelope stuffed in there.
I love to receive mail... so I was like "cool, there's a package!"
I turned it over.... it's from H.
My heart dropped into my stomach....totally unexpected...plus I asked him to mail it to my job, not my apartment. Did what he wanted to per usual.
The dissolution paperwork was inside for me to fill out my end.
I noticed he purposely put my maiden last name on the package.
Also he sent a check for $100, I guess payment towards what he owes me. Also with my maiden name.
It's a starter check, so I guess he's opened an account at a new bank. Hopefully my bank takes this check as he didn't fill in an address. I will definitely be cashing it as I can use it.
He just threw everything into the envelope, so the paper work is all wrinkled/bent. But I will fill out my end tonight, but it in a folder and envelope and mail it back to the PO Box he has listed as his address. Not sure how often he checks this PO Box, but yeah, I'm sure he'll remember to check it at some point.
I'm sure he'll note when the check goes through that I've received everything.
He filled out my address and since he waited so long to send... I will be moving in 2 weeks. So I will probably re-print the petition my self and re-fill it out, notarize it then send it in.
I don't want to put my new address, I don't want him to know where I will be. So I may list my parents address as my mailing address and leave this old apartment address as current residence. I assume the courts will start sending me things I will have to fill out?
*ugh*
I guess I am officially on my way to an un-busted divorce.
Hope this process doesn't drag out so I can put this far behind me.
Random thought: I was looking through photos I took and posted over the summer and fall.....I can recall how bad I was hurting inside even though I was GALing. The hope that my marriage would be restored is what got me through many of those months. Today, I no longer have that hurt....I also no longer have that hope.
Yep mimi that was ramdom hahaha
I am glad you are feeling better
(((Mimi)))
I'm sorry. I'm not sure there is any amount of detachment (unless maybe you're the WAS) that will make it OK to receive that in the mail.
Why the heck did he put your maiden name on a check? Can you even cash a check that is written to your maiden name? And on the envelope, too. Why? Is it just to twist the knife a little? I guess you will never know - that part just really struck me.
I have thought about that quite a bit - I think at the beginning of a sitch, the thought that you will be OK even if you get D is not believable enough to get you by. Hope for my M being restored is what got me through those very difficult first few months. It is only recently that I realized I don't really have that hope anymore, but now I can get by knowing that I really will be OK if/when we do get D. Now, to get where you are, I just need to somehow get rid of the hurt too.
I am glad you have gotten to the place you are, and I think that maybe it was a good thing that your H didn't file until now. Hopefully you can get this done quickly, and start your new life in your new apartment!!
You are an inspiration, Mimi.
(((Mimi))) I'm sorry your D couldn't be busted but I'm glad your in a better place and you sound well equip to deal with it now where as maybe in the past it would have hit you a lot harder.
I hope to be where you are one day, regardless of how my M works out.
Mi, sorry to hear of this development and how he handled it. That is very tough. I think sending all correspondence to your parent's address is a great idea if you don't want him to know your new life address.
As for the maiden name thing, I recently sent STBXW a letter, and I put her maiden name on it. She put in her proposed settlement awhile ago that she wants her name changed. Also, I don't want her to have my last name anymore, so I wonder if she was thinking the same things you were. I didn't even give it a thought at the time, because she'll be back to maiden anyway.
I wish you the best as you move forward! Did you ever approach the guy you were interested in? Planning to before you move?
Melissa you're too kind, you are an inspiration.
Thanks K, Upwards and ye.
K I wasnt able to go to church last sunday....I thought I was off but got a call that morning asking why I wasnt at work. Totally didnt know they put me on the schedule....but I have 2 more sundays before I move to hopefully get the courage to atleast wave lol
Well today...my phone rang...the number is for the city I live near so I assumed it was a job....then it clicked that it was H's number....crap....to answer or not to answer...that is the question? I decide to answer and just get it over with.
His voice sounded different....maybe from becoming more like the people where he is?
He immediately asked if I recieved the mail he sent and told me he will continue to mail me checks until the loan I gave him is paid off. I toldmhim I will be moving in another week or so, so please mail them to my parents address. He said "ok....are you moving back to there?"
I said "no"........*crickets* lol
the he asked how I was and I kept all my answers pretty short ... told him all was well...working etc...then I asked how he was and he said "I am fine personally...just looking for the next opportunity"
Then he start talking about his family issues...(which always to precedence over our life).. I listened and responded.
He asked about my family and the dog. I told him I finally was able to teach the dog to roll over (its hard to get him to concentrate and sit still so he only
knew 3 tricks). H sounded genuinely excited about that...I told him how when you reach for a treat the dog automatically starts rolling over and over, he laughed.
He asked me if I planned on doing my taxes seperately...I said yes....he said he figured that I would. He said the government resent our refund check from our first year of marriage, it was a $3 check...we didnt cash it. He saidnhe was going to send it to me (not sure why? Maybe as a joke becuase when we initially got it a few years ago we had a good time laughing...like what are we going to do with $3...what a sad refund..well at least we didnt owe) . So I made a joke and told him he could go ahead and keep the money, I'm not struggling that bad...to dogs bowl is full with food. He laughed and said he didnt mean he was sending it to help me out.
it was nice to make him laugh...its something I always loved to do.
He asked me about the email I sent in January...he asked me if it was in refference to anything in particular..I told him I didn't know what he meant. He said the tine of the email was funny (as in strange) he specifically mention there was a part in the email where I asked him to not forward my emails to anyone. He asked was there a specific event behind that statement. (Yes H, yes there is...when insnooped I saw he sent my email pleading with him to not give up on us....to his sister w/ the heading "this wont be pretty".) But I am no idiot...so I told him there was nothing behind it...I just want things to stay between us. He said o, okay.
He brought up is family issues again and he sounded prety negative about it...so I told him he has to go in to the situation w/ a positive outlook he cant speak negativity over it before he gets involved. He said "o, really?!" with a lauh... He sounded surprised by my saying that advice.
I told him I had to get ready for work and that I would get the divorce documents back to him by he end of next week. He said there is no rush/that he didnt call to put a rush on it. He told me he is pretty sure I shouldnt be required to travel there for court, but if I am he will pay for the flight.
I responded with a laugh "the flight, the hotel, and any other expenses.."(jokingly...but serious at the same time)
he said "whoaaaa, hotels are expensive here...like $1500 a night"
I said "I deserve it"
He said "you do deserve it I just dont have that type of money" and he laughed
Not sure if he was saying I would stay with him if I had to go there for court...i didnt ask...but hopefully I wont have to travel there.
We ended the coversation. Overall it was pretty upbeat...I was genuinely in a good mood and not simply "acting as if"...I was happy after the coversation b/c I feel like I won.
This was the first convo I have been almost 100% myself....not nervous tonsay the wrongnthing b/c I dont care anymore....not on egg shells scared to say something that may push him away. Felt good.
So I have had the dissolution paper work for a week now. Since the papers were bent from him mailing them I pulled up new documents and electronically put the information in and reprinted.
Months ago I said to myself that when he sent the documents I would send them back with a note saying "I wish thi gs could be different but if this is what it takes for you to get the happiness you desire...all the best to you".....I no longer have the need/want to send a note along. I will be putting the documents in a yellow folder.....simply for protection so the pages to get all bent and wrinkled, I personally want the courts to recieve crisp clean paperwork lol thats just the type of person I am....but the folds happens to be yellow...its all I had on hand....but maybe subliminally the yellow while make him feel like he needs to take caution.... lol
But really I am ready to move on with my life....there are so many other men on this earth who would probably be a much better fit for me...i will definitely go for someone next time who is the opposite....I wont marry for love again...I wont follow my emotions but balance it with other important factors as well.
My old highschool boyfriend contacted me again.... the conversation went slightly left with a comment he made....so I ttold him I was confused, just a few months ago he said he was happily married. He was always a liar......he finally told the truth, they are going through a divorce....he leaves her. Why? Because he realized he wasnt "in love with her...therefore shes not 'the one'" *excuse me while I roll my eyes*.....I told him I wouldn't judge his desicion, but yeah... (obviously I am totally put off by that)
He went on to say he could see us together....I asked him to please not talk that way....and also that it would never ever happen. I dont plan on talking to him again any time soon. He is clearly in a WAS fog.
So terrible, I wish I could reach out to the wife and offer support....but ive never met her.
Well I guess thats enough rambling for today.
MI! yoyoyoyoyo.
Just checking in with you. How are things? Did you get the paperwork completed and sent back in? How are preparations for the move?
I'd definitely just tell the HS boyfriend what you've learned about walking away from marriage. That the fact that he is willing to quit is a big turnoff, and you don't want to be with someone like that. Be upfront, he may be imagining a life with you as perfect, and so he is having an imagined affair, of course his wife has no chance against what his imagination can conjure up.
Hey K. Thanks for checking on me.
Things are going well. I moved on the 31st. I didn't bring many items on my initial move here, but for some reason it seemed like a lot to move....
I've never lived in such a large apartment, multiple rooms with walls. No kitchen/living room/dining room in one.
The wood floors are like a dream... and took me 2 hours to mop and shine today (sheesh).
With so much space, it looks super empty right now.
The dog is finally settling in a bit, he's a good dog this is like the 4th move in his 4 years of life. smh.
It kind of annoys me b/c my family moved around several times when I was young, so H and I were in route to finally getting a home and somewhere to settle....and now I am back to bouncing around. I hopefully will stay in this new apartment for a few years. This move was tiring...
I am excited to go "home" and get my furniture out of storage. I will be getting rid of a lot, but there are so many items I am exited to see again.
Sorry went off on a tangent.
I mailed the Dissolution papers back to H, I believe on Friday 3/28. I did not want to bring that negativity with me to my new place.... so off it went. I got shipping confirmation on it just in case something happens, proof I did mail it.... I haven't checked to see if it's been delivered to his PO Box, I probably won't check... I won't call and let him know it's been sent either, as last time we talked I did let him know I'd be sending it before the week was out and I followed through with my word.
Today was a randomly emotional day. I'm ready to leave the past behind me. It's hard to believe in miracles or just simply that good things happen for people who are purposely good people, anymore...
My birthday is this month, I think my gift to myself will be changing my phone number as another step towards ridding of the past.
One thing I've notices that this D has changed about me... is that I can't take a jokes. I am very literal know. I want to know what you mean exactly when you speak.... b/c I've been lied and had my heart broken.... I need to know what's real and what's not. I don't want to mistake lies for truth every again.
My brother came to visit, that's how I noticed, he make several jokes and my responses were very serious.... he says I need to lighten up. *shrugs*
So I can only imagine what I may be like if I got in another relationship........................ *sigh*
Hey Mi, it's completely understandable that this ordeal has sucked the humor out of you for the time being. Don't fret about bringing that into a new relationship. You'll get that sense of humor back. It took me a few dates before I got back into the swing of things and making jokes and being myself again. It's crazy to see how much of an impact this has on each of the LBS'.
I'm glad the fresh start has been positive. I know how moving goes, I was an Army brat, so I've done it plenty of times. I hope for your sake you enjoy those nice hardwoods for a few years at your new place. It sounds like this is a place you can see yourself putting down new roots?
I'm glad the dog's getting used to the place too, he'll have to find new spots. My dog was the same way, freaks out whenever I get out suitcases or was moving W's boxes to the garage. Afraid she's getting left behind. Change is hard on dogs too, they love their routine just like we enjoy the status quo as well.
I hope you have a lovely week/weekend!
Thanks K!
The last 2 weeks have been an emo-coaster... I don't know why but I've thought of H more. I don't want him back or want him to come back, no love left (that I can tell), it's just the hurt is still there/feeling of betrayal. I cried a few times for the first time in a few months.
I was scrolling through my Facebook looking at all the happy pictures of my friends with their new babies and loving statuses about their husbands/relationships......
Feeling bad about my life...
As I scrolled there was a photo of a child who beat cancer, then I scrolled some more and a photo of a woman who was finishing Chemo. Then I found out yesterday that a person on Youtube who I love to watch died from complications of Lupus at the age of 27.
What a way to be reminded that while Divorce is bad..... things could be worst. I am going to attempt to not complain about my life for the rest of the year....and try to stick with positive thinking.
I really need to start working out... I have yet to jump on board with that. I am doing another 5k in June, I have 6 ladies joining me so far. I think I will ask if they'd like to start doing weekly walks/jogs on the lakefront.
Right now...my biggest worry is getting my dog to stop barking at everyone he sees when I take him out.... lol any suggestions?
I go to get my stuff out of storage next weekend...it will be nice to have furniture again. A real bed. Chairs etc... lol
Next week is my birthday, so it will be officially a year since H began his BD mission. Last year, this time he told me maybe we shouldn't be together....and he and his sister knew his plans to leave....but he told me not to worry....a few days later he flew back to where he lives and I got DB book and started LRT...which probably wasn't the best technique to start with but I felt I had no other option as he was living hundreds of miles away.
O well.
A few days ago an old college friend commented on an old IG pic of mine... he told me to call him so we could catch up (I guess w/ there being no pics of my H on any of my social media...it's starting to become obvious I am no longer in a relationship). I don't have his number and never have to my knowledge.... so that's funny. But interestingly enough he lives where I am headed to this weekend to get my furniture out of storage....so I told him I'd be in town.
Then a few days later an old co-worker left me a message on FB saying he's back in town (where I live) from his traveling job and wants to connect. I had a really big crush on him back in 2006 when we worked together lol....so I definitely told him I've love to re-connect and gave him my number. So we'll see if he calls
I'm a bit excited this. I've been hanging out with females only, for the last 8 months since moving here...and I work at an all female agency....so it would be a nice change.
My signed dissolution paper work arrived to H's PO Box 17 days ago.... I wish I knew if he has filed or not. I guess I don't like being left in the dark about where things are in the process or what happens next if he has filed (I think the court waits 91 days to make things final after a filing)....
I can't wait until my mind can be completely off of that subject.
Happy Birthday Week Mi!
Sounds like you have some potential dates coming up! Good for you, it'll be good practice if nothing else.
I know how the not knowing what's going on portion of this stinks! But stay strong, and just keep living your life like you would as if he's not coming back! Sounds like you're in a good frame of mind.
What's the latest birthday girl?
Hey K, thanks for checking on me.
I had the most boring birthday ever.
I got off work at 7am, had a meeting at 9:30 am, went back to work at 7pm. Happy Birthday to me! lol
No call from H, not that I expected it.
But I guess he's done with the pity calls for holidays and birthdays.
My life is a bore, finding decor items for my apartment is my only joy right now.
I still have a temp roommate and I am ready for her to go.
This past weekend was the first time I had both Friday and Saturday off, I was super bored sitting around staring at her.
I have more fun alone at home w/ my dog lol
Saturday I did join my church in cleaning the streets of one of the city neighborhoods for a late Earth Day project. Other than that I spend my free time in home decor stores, searching for the perfect finds so that I can make my apartment the perfect eclectic urban oasis.
The weather here is up and down with the temps ... I am waiting for a consistent week of high 60s - mid 70s... maybe that will brighten my mood.
Eclectic urban oasis eh? Love to see some photos when that's finished...
I'm sorry you're life feels a bit boring. It seems like the church might have some worthwhile activities for helping in the GAL department. What else are you doing to GAL? I don't think sitting with the roomie is getting it done!
If you're looking for warmer temperatures, a visit to TX might be in order, I can guarantee it's warmer than 60's-70's. High today 88. What is it about the weather that is going to make you happier?
Hey K! Yes, an eclectic urban oasis lol... maybe we can figure some way to exchange social media names w/out being banned here... too bad they don't allow personal messages on the forums. I'm sure I'll post pics once I'm done.
I'm not doing too much in the GAL dept.... probably b/c there's not much to do at the moment. The meetup group I am a part of hasn't posted too many events that fit my schedule as of late.
But getting my apartment together is really my focus, when I am working on a project I am all about it until I am finished lol
The weather does effect my mood a bit... summer time is my favorite.... the sun, water, music, food...there's an event or festival almost every day during the summer months where I live.
Roommate is 24 y.o. and still very child-like in many of her ways...and has a lot to learn.
Sunday we went to church, there are two entry points to the highway on each side of our 3 mile wide neighborhood. If you're going East, it makes sense to head east and get on the highway on the east side entry... if you're going west, drive west and enter the highway there. So you won't waste time and gas backtracking.
So I tried to tell her the Church is heading east, so the best route is to turn right and get on the highway there. She responded: "last week you told me I should get on the high way by going west".
I tried to explain to her that we were going to a store what was west of town, so that's why I suggested heading in that direction last week. At this point, she began talking over me and saying "la la la la la" loudly like a child who doesn't want to hear their parent telling them no.
Seriously. Who does that? I have never had that experience in my life. I was very irritated by that, I just sat in silence for several minutes, until my feelings settled.
She also does things that remind me of H.... one thing is leaving with out saying where you are going.
When I am on my way some where... I usually say "hey, I'm going to the grocery store, I will be back shortly" and usually she likes "hey can I go to?!" and I say sure (even though I'd rather just be alone most times)
When she leaves, she gets dressed and just goes....I assume she wants to be asked where she's going so she feels cared about? I don't know. But you've only lived here a month...there are 3 million people in this city, a good portion of them are not sane...its silly to not let someone know where you are going.
She allergic to fish, nuts, coconut etc...
I was eating so healthy before she came b/c I was eating lots of fish, no I can't cook that b/c if she breathes it she will have a reaction. I love to use coconut oil in my hair and as a moisturizer... can't do that anymore b/c I my touch something and then she could touch it and have a reaction. And any time I eat a granola bar or something with nuts she asks that I wipe down all knobs etc.. lol
So yes, I am ready for her to move out. It's like being married again lol I want my freedom!
The roommate does sound pretty childish. That is pretty awful to have to deal with, food allergies and all too. That is really impacting your life!
I get what you're saying about summer heightening your mood, that makes sense.
Figure out a way to encode your social name so we don't get booted!
What sorts of things make up an eclectic urban oasis? Can't picture it?
Well I live in a city, so that automatically makes it urban, in my mind lol
As far as eclectic, I want it to have a bit of a worldly feel. I've always purchased furniture in sets: in my apartment w/ H the coffee table, tv stand etc... were all matching cherry wood set from a furniture store. I want to let go of that... I think it's kind of a reflection of who I was...everything had to be just right...and I didn't realize just how boring that was.
So I now want more fun and color and few eye catching furniture pieces that look like or were made in other countries. Lots of patterns and textures.
It will be my personal oasis, b/c I just want it to love everything I see when I look around my place. Things that are aesthetically pleasing makes me happy. lol
It's nice to only have myself in mind when doing things....
I checked my mail this morning and there was a letter from my car insurance company, forwarded from my old apt.
I was going to throw it out b/c I assumed it would be a notice letting me know my insurance plan needs to be renewed bc this is the last month on my current card.
My job already sent me a notice as my car insurance must be current in order for me to work....
H paid for the last 6 months and I was to take over starting June...so I had been shopping for a new, cheaper, plan but hadn't picked one.
I was going to throw thw letter away with out opening it....as again I thought it was just a reminder...but instead I opened it.
It has a new card thats paid through until December.... $500
I guess H had a good tax refund and wants to be nice?
Im not sure...but it made me a bit emotional.
This is the only tie I still have to him...his name is on the card... im not sure why he went ahead and paid for me to be covered for the rest of the year (he had been paying month to month previously).
I am grateful....but at the same time I dont understand.
*sigh* there hasnt been any contact in some time and I prefer it be that way...but should I find his phone number and send him a text saying thanks?
Can you email him? I do think a thank you is in order--- with no expectations as to his reply.
Maybe not a text, though. Maybe some other people have different thoughts... But as 25 says, applaud the 1%.
I think whenever something is unexpected in a positive way, you should thank them. No expectations. Just a simple email of "thanks for paying the car insurance thru the end of the year. I really appreciate it!"
Thanks so much artsy & Georgiabelle.
After posting I thought about sending and email instead, so thanks for confirming my thinking that would be best.
Georgiabelle your response is perfect!
I can be wordy sometimes, and that is short and to the point
Thanks again!
That is unexpected and odd. I definitely see why it would make you a bit emotional and why you don't understand it as well. Ahhh the WAS, what a strange creature. Get any response on the email?
Hey K. I was still a bit emotional today, feeling like I could just cry at any moment. Not sure why? Maybe because it's much better pretending he no longer exists, so when he makes it obvious that he does.... that makes things hard lol
An old friend called today and that kind of lifted that feeling for me. I am feeling back to normal now.
No, he did not respond to the email.
I hear ya. When I don't get any reminders of W it's like she no longer exists. But then something comes in the mail addressed to the two of us, and reality hits home. It will probably take awhile before those feelings go away.
I'm glad your old friend contacting you helped lift your spirits. I wouldn't expect a response necessarily, but you did the right thing thanking him for a random act of kindness, just like you would a stranger.
What are your GAL activities this weekend?
Hi K... I was off Friday I didn't do much, went out to eat. My new rugs were delivered so I mopped my floors and put them down. They are beautiful lol
Saturday I worked, Sunday I relaxed and went to work again tonight to start my work week.
I am going to start jogging on the lakefront in the mornings, tomorrow will be my first day. I really need to get my self in shape for summer and stay in shape. I'm doing a 5k in June and I want to try to run the entire thing... which would be an accomplishment b/c right now just a flight of stairs is a task lol I have a group of 5 ladies running on my team, should be fun.
I'm am inside the normal weight range for my height, I just need to be more active and build a little muscle. So that's my focus this month.
Time seems to be going so fast. I can't believe I have been on my own, for almost a year now.
He called today.
I didn't answer....
Months ago I emailed him any told him and further communication should be emailed...but he continues to call.
Today was the first time I did not answer and I won't be calling back. Is that a bad thing? I have nothing to say and I don't care to hear what he has to say.
It's annoying b/c I feel like it makes me the "bad guy" b/c I didn't answer. Then I worry if he's okay? If he calling b/c he needs something or b/c something happened? I try to tell myself that it's just probably a new update on the D or something, so I don't feel bad.
But I don't think I can talk to him anymore.
Over the last few weeks I feel that some how anger has built up towards him and I don't think I will be able hold my tongue and play nice anymore.
Definitely understood Mi! I felt the same way recently.
He will email eventually. Stick to your guns on what you told him before, stay true to your word.
He called again today, so I answered.
He saw something on his credit he was unsure of what it was, so he just had to call and make sure it was from the apartment that I had to get after BD that he co-signed on. I paid every month on time, so it's nothing bad... but he was just "curious".
He said he called yesterday for something different, but I didn't answer...so now he wanted to know about this.
I was just like "uhhh, ok..." Then it was silent. He asked me how I was, I said ok, and asked how he was he said fine and that he got knee surgery on a knee he had surgery on as a child so it was time to get it redone or something....and he will be off work for the next 5 weeks while it heals.
There was more awkward silence, so then he's says "call me tomorrow before you go to work so I an go over some stuff with you"... I said "what stuff?" ... he says "paper work/documents"... I say lets do it now I have time... he says he doesn't have the papers in front of him right now.... so I ask what exactly does he have to go over with me, is it more things I have to sign and I said I assumed the courts would just send me any further paper work directly as they ask for my mailing address.... but I clearly am not sure since I've never done this process before" he says he will ask and see about that.
I then say "so do you still need me to call you tomorrow" with a weird smile/laugh he says "no, I will just email you any information etc... "
So I assumed my questions annoyed him.
I just don't see why I should call him.... I believe I read that the H & W have to fill out the financial paper work etc... separately. So I don't know if he knows that or what...
He said since he's off the next 5 weeks he would like to get all the paper work for the D done.
It was just a awkward convo overall.....the last few convo's we had were pleasant... I think it's b/c now, I'm done I don't care to be fake and have friendly banter over things in his life I could really careless about now
Call me what you will for that...
Howdy doody Mi!
I bet that was a weird feeling and call. Maybe moving forward, decide not to answer? He could have sent that in an email like you requested. It's odd how he wants to talk to you about stuff unrelated to the proceedings.
I hope you have some fun weekend plans! When are you coming to visit TX? What did you figure out for the "code?"
Hey K! I think he got the hint this time...so I don't think he will call anymore. Not sure why that was his chosen method of communication anyways.
I didn't figure out anything yet code wise lol
Random thoughts:
I decided to print out all the paper work I will need to fill out, sign and notarize.
I would like to know if he has filed the Petition for dissolution as you need to turn in needed documents with in 42 days after filing.
But I don't think he has even filed yet, even though I sent the signed petition back to him 2 months ago.
When I was re-readiong over the process, it says that if both "petitioner" and "co-petitioner" are agreed on everything and filing together... that they need to sign the petition at the same time in front of a notary. We didn't do that.
I don't know if H saw that, or if the courts will notice that we did not sign on the same date or with the same notary and if that will be an issue, or if they'd just ignore it?
But either way.... when H finally files or sends me an email letting me know what documents I need to fill out (I didn't tell him I already know). I will have them all ready to go and just drop them in the mail. and Respond to him that they are sent.
That day should probably be the last time we need to ever talk again in life.
Today is our 5th wedding anniversary....congratulations to us.
Lol well anyways. My parents are coming to visit tomorrow, just for a day....they are bring the rest of my stuff here for me.
My dad was able to give away a lot of our old furniture and dishware etc... to my uncle who just got married so thats good.
I am almost finished decorating my place.
Its looking pretty good in here....if I do say so my self
Hey Mi,
Just checking in again, how are things? It seems like it should be warming up and getting nice out so I'm hoping that has a positive impact on your spirits! You mentioned the weather impacts your mood, is it improving? I remember know I live in Texas because it's about 2,107,881,349 degrees outside and oh so humid. Yes that's 2 billion degrees. My dog does not enjoy it with her fur coat and I won't be able to take her to many more meetups.
Any news on progress in the process? How's the roommate situation? How's GAL going?
Hey K,
Thanks for checking on me.
Everything is well.
The weather is nice where I am now. I have been walking on the lakefront and doing hiking trails a few times a week.
Last week I was somewhat down. This week is better. A year later and it's still a bit of a roller coaster ride.
My mom called me the other day to let me know something came in the mail for H.... she said she usually throws whatever comes for him away (lol smh), but she opened this one randomly. It was a notice saying something concerning the surgery he had a few weeks ago on his knee was not approved and he would have to fill out a form to have the issue looked at again. My mom wanted to know what she should do. I told her to email him about it or I an find his mailing PO Box address and she can send it. She chose the latter... which reminds me I still need to send her the address. Oops.
I felt a bit of guilt.... like I should text him and let him know about it. But I don't want to have any communication with him at all.
The other day I got a replacement phone because the one I had was having random issues. Before I turned in the old phone I looked at the old texts between H and I from this time last year after BD. I hadn't looked at them since they were initially sent.
All I could do was SMH reading my texts... I guess I was DBing by being nice to him and trying to handle everything in a classy manner... but I looked like a push over saying things like "let me know if there's anything I can do to help" concerning his move (after he left) etc...
I'm happy I wasn't angry towards him during the process.... but I feel like I am angry now and if I had got it out then maybe I wouldn't be this way now.
But I digress....
Back to your questions K---the roommate found an apartment as of June 1st and officially moved in today. I just feel sad for my dog now, he has to be alone at night again. I hate that I work at night and work just about every day.
Every week I am taking time to apply to other jobs, but no luck as of yet.
No news on the progress of the D.... about 3 weeks ago when H last called he said he had 5 weeks off and he wanted to get everything done.... well now he has 2 more weeks before he gets back to work. So I don't know if he has filed or not.
I how ever took it upon my self to print out all the documents the courts may ask for and filled them out over the weekend so that I am prepared and ready to go when he does email or call to tell me I need to do them.
Not much GAL, just going out to eat w/ the newly former roommate.
Sunday I am doing a 5k.
I finished paying my car loan off, all of my old furniture from the M is now out of storage so no more payment for that, and since H paid the car insurance for the rest of the year not having those things have freed up a bit of money for me. So that's wonderful.
This month I want to focus on making myself over.
I have a goal to lose 10lbs this month that I would really, really love to meet. After I do that I want to dye my hair for the first time. Get rid of some old clothes and buy some new stuff. I really want to start dating...or something. lol
We'll see...
Lakefront and hiking trails!? Sounds gorgeous, I'm in.
Glad your roomie is out but I am sorry for your pooch!
I'm glad you're focusing on improving physically, I should get on that as well. It's just the eating that gets in the way.
And you're doing great on the finance front too? No car loan! Congrats! What are your plans with your new found cash flow?
Hey K. The former roommate is kind enough to stop by at night and let him out to use the restroom while I am at work for 12 hrs....he's a loveable dog so she is a bit attached to him lol. So I thank God that she's a good/kind person/animal lover.
Yes, eating is the hard part...
I'm going to attempt to do the right thing w/ getting in shape...I have nothing else to do so why not!?
I plan to save the majority of my extra cash. I do need a new laptop, but other than that I have everything I need and saving money brings me joy lol
Time for a new thread Mi! Can't wait to see your next title.
Did you see my last message to you in my thread? Read carefully ; )
I like that you like saving, I do too.
He called today to let me know he was finally off crutches and went to the court house to file the petition for dissolution. .. and it was only $230 "so that was nothing".... I wanted to respond "well congrats to you that its so easy to throw away $230 to divorce me".... but instead I said nothing
He said the court gave him some paper work to mail to me and he wants to help me fill it out so there are no errors. I told him just tell me the names of the documents....I already have them printed out and filled out 97% ... he sounded surprised....
But he still insisted on mailing the documents and asked if I still lived at the same address (I told him months ago I was leaving there so he knows that I do not) I said no....he said "well whats your new address....do you not want me to have it? I promise you I won't be sending you anything else...."
Listening to him question me I got frustrated and tears start coming to my eyes....and I tried to still sound the same but in a low voice I just said "I doesn't matter...." he said what? And I repeated...I told him id email it to him...he said to just text it....I said ok...bye and he hung up before I even hit the button.
I immediately sent my work address (which I gave him months ago and told him to mail everything there...and he didn't follow that request either)
He immediately sent back abd text "thanks!"
I wanted to respond what a jerk he was and how much I just want him to leave me alone.
I hate that he still has "control" and everything is his way or no way.
I wish I hadn't gotten emotion....but I'm tired of the unexpected contact from him....I was having a pleasant morning....now I'm crying.
Really sorry to hear this happened Mi, sending a big bear hug your way!