Divorcebusting.com

Mediation and the realization........PartV

Posted By: Positivespin

Mediation and the realization........PartV - 12/20/13 05:38 PM

Bomb #2 dropped last night in mediation........

But first, a link to chapter 4
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2391725#Post2391725

I realized last night that my X is too far gone.
How do I know this?
She actually said the following- and it is now documented
"If either I move away or you move away you can have 100% CUSTODY (not just primary residency)of D4"

WHO THE FRIG DOES THAT???????????????????????????????????

She just wants out. She gave me everything and will have to pay me significant Child support.

Why is she doing this? I believe she wants to get this wrapped up so that she blocks me from her grandmothers inheritance. She wants to be able to quit her high paying job and live a frugal life somewhere.....and start over- with her immigrants.

So my x throws away D4. WTF!

I cant praise this program,this board,and all of you enough. You provided me with the framework, the knowledge and the confidence to become an amazing person- Much better today then on my very best day before the BD!

I have prob one more mediation appt left- to discuss the transitions over the short term. Its not easy.

What hurts the most, by FAR the most painful- I dont know if D4 will ever know the amazing woman that I married and who gave birth to her.

This person sitting across from me in this small mediation room is not the type of person I like.

The Alian has abducted her brain

Its a good thing that Daddy already has his big boy pants on - thanks to all of you!
Posted By: LBH_LC

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 12/20/13 06:15 PM

Holy [bleep].

I was just going to bug you to update us on your sitch, too.

I am so, so sorry. This is just awful. I don't understand this escape-at-all-costs mentality. It's one thing when it's a couple, it's a whole other thing when a kid in caught in the middle of it.

Take heart in the improvements you have made. I know you are being an incredible dad for your girl. We're all very proud of you. Update us what is new with YOU these days... We're just a click away, buddy.

-Lefty
Posted By: jp787

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 12/20/13 08:49 PM

She will have one heck of a wake up, someday...

Your D is lucky to have you PS.
Posted By: melissag

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 12/20/13 09:04 PM

PS, I don't think I have ever commented on your thread before, but O.M.G.

What??? I am so sorry - there is no way you married a woman who would give up her precious D. Thank goodness your D has you.
Posted By: slow_it_down

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 12/21/13 03:29 PM

Quote:

What hurts the most, by FAR the most painful- I dont know if D4 will ever know the amazing woman that I married and who gave birth to her.


This struck a chord with me as I was just having a conversation with my mom the other day about how things have changed 7 years after my first marriage ended. My first H had an affair and I handled it 100% in the worst way possible. At one point I asked if I didn't make him pay child support if he'd give up all rights to our kids. I was devastated that he actually said yes. He even signed the very one-sided separation agreement I drew up just to be done and over with everything. Looking back I think he was embarrassed and had many other emotions that he would have done or said anything to get a break from it.

It took time, and a lot of cutting him slack with the kids, but he's a great father and is really involved in their lives. Back then he basically begged me to move far away. A year or so later he moved states and careers to be with them. It wasn't until after the guilt/pressure subsided that he could relax and get back to being a good dad.

I know what your W is doing is painful, but if you love her you have to hold out hope that she just needs some time to get some really ugly things out of her system.
Posted By: labug

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 12/21/13 03:36 PM

Wow, what a great story.

I think this is the key: needs some time (and space) to get some really ugly things out of her system.

I hope that's true of your W, PS. This must be so difficult for you.
Posted By: 2stubborn2quit

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 12/21/13 03:54 PM

That's really rough. She's really lucky to have a stable parent like you, wishing the best of a bad situation.
Posted By: Positivespin

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 12/23/13 06:35 PM

Im in the middle of an Ice Storm up here.....
Yesterday was the first day I can remember where I stayed in my pajamas. Im kind of glad the roads were impassible, otherwise I wouldnt have allowed myself to do it.

It was a very busy day- I had to decorate the tree and wrap all the presents myself. I am amazed by how painful it is to be alone on the holidays. No matter how emotionally strong of become....its like a final exam after a heck of a year.

What I found interesting was that id find ornaments with x name on it, or old pics from holiday cards and the stocking with her name on it and I just put it all aside in a separate container and forged ahead. It hurt that I was alone but not because SHE wasnt there. That felt like growth.

I find myself daydreaming alot now. Dreaming about where D4 and I should move to.....excited about finding new experiences and just moving forward. Logically It may not make sense to do it but it feels good to be able to think about the future in some positive way.

So I signed up for a online dating site.......god im sooo out of step. Ill never actually go on a date because Im so inept at the game- but its fun and interesting to read the profiles of others.

D4 is number 1 priority and i will not introduce her to other women. If someone ever comes along who is truly amazing it will be a long time before they meet.

What baffles me are the number of men who go on these sights (including my best friend) looking for a mother for their kids. They have a Mom! Im going to look for the woman of my dreams and be honest and straightforward- That should keep me dateless forever smile

and if i dont hop on with a long rambling post between now and Wed.....Happy holidays! I love you all.....stay sane
Posted By: 2stubborn2quit

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 12/23/13 07:23 PM

Woman of your dreams eh? If I start dating, I'll just find myself some FWB. It wasn't my original idea, but my new single friends all tell me it's less pressure and lots of fun.

I'm glad to hear you're taking this well. Just keep swimming wink
Posted By: Maritimer

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 12/24/13 03:18 PM

Holy smokes PS, what a crazy turn of events! Cant understand what would motivate a woman to give up the rights of her child.

As others said your D is so lucky to have a father as dedicated as you. I admire your strength in dealing with your circumstance.

We got nailed with the ice storm here on the east coast of Canada, power is out everywhere. I was looking forward to get a bunch of x country skiing in over the holiday but this rain just turned the trails into a icy luge.

Tomorrow morning will be hard just me and my dog. Regular day until in the evening when I pick up the boys for overnight and have our xmas morning on boxing day! 2 Christmas mornings for them how lucky they are.

Dating site eh.. In a moment of weakness I signed up for one told the truth in my profile then was immediately banned because I was not officially divorced! Maybe it was a sign.

Merry Christmas to you and your daughter. I want to thank you for all the support you have given me any many others over the year.

Cheers!
Posted By: Positivespin

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 12/26/13 06:23 PM

So I decorated that monster tree by myself on Sunday. I picked up my daughter on Monday night and lost my power before we got home.
No power Tuesday.On Wednesday the tree cutting crews hit my house at 7am and D4 FINALLY saw the tree lit up Christmas afternoon.....Itll be down on Sat.

I love love (I know- who doesnt) I realize that my idea of "Love" is getting my neediness met by someone- VERY unhealthy! This is what led to the embarrassing crash after my cruise ship fling and is what is leading me to imagine what it would be like to marry and live forever with each individual woman I meet in a social situation. I am working very hard to change this!

After 18 years with one person (and im a pup compared to many here) Dating is a daunting task. Folks who are successful preach about queuing potential matches up and going on first date after first date after first date... learn what you like and dont like- experience as much as possible.

I go on one date and in my mind she is perfect. Im ready to proclaim my love and run to Vegas. Disaster. Thank god these intelligent women run away from me.....FAST smile

So I work on self confidence and positive self talk and not responding back the second I receive an email. Heck, ANY positive stimulus. I need to not need so much.

Their is so much to rebuild- but im taking the time to do it right this time smile

Happy boxing day!
Posted By: Positivespin

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 12/31/13 09:16 PM

New years eve 2012 I receive the following email from my X

"Are you going to (friends) house tonight? If not, maybe you can pick up a movie and we will have to think of something to eat.

My response;

I will be home with my two beautiful ladies. I will pick up movies. We can eat a Italian feast tonight and D3 can use a fancy glass and we can toast the night away smile

Any request for type of movie?

One week later........KABOOM!!!!!

This holiday shnit is still hard but I know i will wake up tomorrow. I wont have my/any special friend to play the night away with tonight ......its still not celebration time.

But I have D4 smile

I am so blessed and lucky. I dont have a house,(in fact live in my X's house) I drive a crapbox, I have a strong 401K but no other assets but have very little debt.

Im a stud! All the pretty ladies will be swooned by that online profile ......Yes that is sarcasm.

The last year has been amazing. Its the only word that appropriately fits. Roller coaster.

Tonight I will begin work on my goals for 2014. If i take a snapshot of my life right now and compare it to one year from today my life will look completely different.

Everything except my Daughter.

So I raise a toast, to the many who saved my life on this site and to the many folks who have just been bombed..........THANK YOU!

MAY 2014 BE A 180 OF 2013 smile
Posted By: makingmagic

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 12/31/13 10:07 PM

~~~ cheers ~~~ I will drink to that !!!

Nothing but the best for 2014 for me !!

Magic!
Posted By: 3boymom

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/01/14 02:11 AM

Cheers!!
Posted By: RealityTrip

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/05/14 08:28 PM

WOW friend. I'm reading and just WOW. You are so strong. I have to say, when you asked who does this? In regards to her BD at mediation... I thought, people in crisis, that's who.

It sounds like stuff I have read over in the MLC forum. But I think the other day I read JackThreeBeans advise someone that it should be called Life Crisis, not "Mid", because it can happen to anyone at any point. Just thinking to you out loud.

I don't know enough about life crisis' to advise, but maybe you could ask opinions of those who do here on the forum? Sometimes I think my own W is/has been in one. But I guess we just keep putting on DB foot in front of the other!

You're awesome Spin. Just awesome. Know that! So when you are in the dating pool, refocus... think "wouldn't she be lucky to snag me!" After all... these women don't know it yet, but you have been doing some MAJOR personal work to become an amazing life partner or husband.

Place your bets on you.... you're the jackpot. Not the other way around!
Posted By: Maritimer

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/07/14 06:19 PM

Happy "Anniversary" and Happy New Year my friend. 2014 for many of us will be better than last year.

Its a great time to reflect on many of our accomplishments throughout our roller coaster ride.

It wasn't until my friends and relatives brought up how much I have achieved over the last year that I realized how strong these situations made us. If we keep this positive energy moving forward in life how much we will thrive in the future.

Also I am reading "No more Mr Nice Guy". That book was made for me... Now lets implement the healthy changes needed to become awesome!
Posted By: Positivespin

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/08/14 09:13 PM

Understanding that the only way this works is when you are 100% honest- here we go.

On 12/23 I sent an email to a woman on atch.com. My first. Damn, did I want to puke out of nervousness.

This woman was VERY different then the others. Im odd....and so is she.

So I craft this email which was way to deep and gave her wayyyyyy to much info and too many details- It was utterly pathetic. It should be framed and hung on the wall of shame for first emails. My profile had no pic and as little info as possible- I joined simply to see what was out there (My buddy turtle inspired me).

Her profile was just so different.

Having never tried this online world I spent days studying what the pros say- I research everything...Im a virgo

She responded back to me something like " Ive never gotten such a raw and honest email like that before. I have to respond. Unfortunately, I dont have the time now but I will send you a quality email when I can"

Two days later she delivered.

so we email back and forth 30+ times (another "Thing you should never do")and suddenly she goes dark for three days....but I keep emailing her anyway (thus violating the "ways to not look utterly pathetic and desperate rule") 12/28-12/31.

I see my T on new years eve - thought it would be a good idea on the holiday and I tell her about emailing this real cool person who just disappeared. She tells me "Oh well, you will find LOTS more...your a catch" smile

New years day she sends me a email!!!!!!!and we continue back and forth all wed and thur.

Thur nite I tell her to call me and we talk for almost 2 hrs.(another "pro" no/no)

As she still has no idea what I look like I decide she needs a pic so I try to teach D4 how to take a pic on an ipad - FAIL

So then Daddy takes a series of pics of himself using his bathroom mirror (YES I AM REALLY THIS PATHETIC) Prob 40 pics total moving my ugly head angle ever so slightly in each pic.

I review and eliminate 39 to get ONE decent pic. Which I send.....

Yet another moment of true panic.
and a email response from her............

":) Mirror pic works for you"

Im literally dancing at that moment.

I use her Ph# to try texting an "I enjoyed our call text" the next morning (Friday 1/3)- no response.

The next day I meet her for the first time. WOW! She giggles, compliments my clothes, wants to see what i bought, twirls her hair.....but I chicken ship out of asking her out for Tue night (last night)because I was so giddy.

That afternoon I send her an email asking her out on Tuesday nite and I get a response Sun AM.
" At this time I dont know about Tue night. I have an obligation but I wont know if I have to go until that AM. Which is unfair to you."

So....because Im so out of it and lacking of confidence I show my friends and they all say "Its a blowoff" because she didnt offer an alt date. "She was just trying to be nice to you".

I dont hear from her again Sunday or Monday (same pattern as prev week)

Yesterday, I go to work hoping to hear something all day. Nothing. Disappointed, I head home. Thankfully, Im not alone- I had D4. We head to subway to split a sandwich for dinner.......

Suddenly my pocket vibrates.......

"Hey. Its "J". Still want to get that drink?"

She texted me as soon as she was done with her "obligation". We spent two hours together on our "first date" and we set up our second for next week.

What an awesome way to survive the one year anniversary of the day my wife left me! smile
Posted By: RealityTrip

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/09/14 12:06 AM

Woohoo! Stud. wink. Sounds promising. Go slow! And I mean with you expectations (cruise love wink ). It's great for you Spin! I'm happy you are putting yourself out there.
Posted By: Positivespin

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/09/14 02:19 AM

wow. I really have no idea what I'm doing :-) I was just sent the blow off email from the woman I wrote about above.

Tonight was my last night in politics. The mayor made a speech. I was given a resolution listing my achievements... and then they swore in my replacement.

What a f'ing day!!!!!!

Oh well...here I go again!
Posted By: Positivespin

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/09/14 02:46 PM

We are all here to work on ourselves in hopes that we can become the best person we can be. We need to share our personal ups and downs and the roller coaster ride we are on......

This is the email I received from the woman (story above) last night.Im still here because I hope to share my experiences on my journey of life after the bomb. So here it is:

hi_____. i'm sorry i havent written. i wanted to give meeting you a chance to sink in. youre a really nice guy and i enjoyed your company last night but it would be unfair of me to continue seeing you. i've gone on a few dates with someone that i met a few weeks ago and my interest in this person has grown exponentially. there is a certain amount of confusion surrounding it because i am not ready to be in a relationship with this person yet. with that being said, i am a one man kinda girl. i think it would be unfair to continue to see you knowing that i am invested in someone else.
i hope you understand. good luck with future match endeavors. and thank you for the enjoyable chat last night.
-_____________

I WAS IN NO WAY EXPECTING THAT.The first date was a home run, the body language, the flirting the physical touch, the agreement to the next date...90 + min, the hug etc. THAT was a 2x4 beating...but I love and respect the direct honesty. SO unlike my X.:)

My response;
I love your honesty and the fact that you really do throw your cards on the table. He is a very lucky person. I hope he knows that. You really are special. Good luck

No mind reading (although my best friend suggested something that blew my mind).

I fell off my bike, dusting off my pants and need to get back on. She was awesome but I will learn and grow from this experience.

BTW. When I got home the fuse was blown in my house. I had no idea which box it was so I called my X. She picked up and started chatting with me. We talked for a few mins before I ended the call and said goodnight.

Sat when she dropped off D4 she also lingered around chatting with me as well. Asking me lots of questions- flirt like.

LIFE smile
Posted By: labug

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/09/14 03:52 PM

All in all I would say that's a win.

She was honest and didn't keep you on the hook. You had fun, it didn't end with acrimony.
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/09/14 05:28 PM

PS- sounds like the lady was at least nice about terminating it, and your response was a good one. At this point I would not contact her again, but who knows, you may hear from her down the road.

Regarding the dating advice, I totally agree with the comments you read that you shouldn't get into protracted email convo's before meeting. One thing I've learned is that you get to know someone better during 5 minutes in person than in days' worth of emails. After you've met then it's fine to email/ text to your heart's delight, but face-to-face is the only way to determine if the chemistry is there first.

Interesting baby step development with W, maybe the dating should be postponed a bit?
Posted By: LBH_LC

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/09/14 05:59 PM

Sorry to hear it didn't work out, PS. I'm sure you can do better, anyway smile
Posted By: OneDay

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/09/14 06:18 PM

Good for you PS. I think you nailed it and what a way to detach from x.

All in all I would take the way everything played out as a positive experience.
Posted By: Positivespin

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/09/14 07:30 PM

AS and labug- thanks so much for the feedback!

What kept me with her was that she is very unique and I trusted that she was VERY honest. This proved it. I greatly appreciate it. It would be great to hear from her again- My best friend doesnt think my response left the door open for that. Thoughts?

My best friend, after reading the email, immediately believed she is going with someone of the same sex because of the wording of the email. WOW did that throw me off...LOL!

Anyway, it is a very interesting baby step with X and ive done so much while she has been gone that if we ever did start talking on that kind of basis her head would spin at the positive growth.

I STILL havent received the D papers.

Whatever happens happens.This is forcing me to become a stronger individual and I need to continue my life "as if'. My problem with dating is that im VERY picky. I reviewed 600 profiles and sent 5 emails. I received 3 responses and this woman and I clicked.

I also know that my methods and techniques are that of a 3yo with fingerpaints- which doesnt help.

To positive growth......CHEERS! smile
Posted By: AnotherStander

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/10/14 02:04 PM

Originally Posted By: Positivespin
My best friend doesnt think my response left the door open for that. Thoughts?


It's kind of like DB'ing, if she's interested then she'll contact you regardless of how you think you left things. If you leave the door open too much then you're perpetually stuck as plan B.

Quote:
My best friend, after reading the email, immediately believed she is going with someone of the same sex because of the wording of the email. WOW did that throw me off...LOL!


She did say "i am a one man kinda girl" so that would seem to indicate that IF there really is another, then it's a guy. But you also have to accept that she just may not have felt chemistry with you and she's trying to let you down nicely. The thing about dating is both people have to feel the chemistry with each other. Sometimes neither feels it, and sometimes one feels it but not the other. I always tell people it's a game of numbers, you have to do a LOT of dating to find a good match. Which brings me to this:

Quote:
My problem with dating is that im VERY picky. I reviewed 600 profiles and sent 5 emails. I received 3 responses and this woman and I clicked.


If you are serious about dating then your numbers are too low. You've got to throw a bigger net. I've met women that I got along fantastic with via text/ email and we just didn't click in person. I've also met women that didn't seem like a good fit in electronic communication but we got along great in person. Don't cull too heavily based on profiles, the goal is to meet them to see what the chemistry is like.

Feels really strange offering dating advice on the DB forums wink One last bit of advise, be careful about getting stuck in the friend zone. If all you're looking for right now is a friend then fine, but make that clear in your profile so you only get responses from women looking for the same. Most of the women on dating sites are looking for a long-term relationship though, so if you try to hard too be her buddy on the first date then you might get dismissed sooner rather than later. If you're looking for love then turn on the charm- flirt with her, flatter her, romance her.
Posted By: Positivespin

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/13/14 04:29 PM

AS- One step ahead of me again smile......It is odd discussing/posting about dating. There will be no discussion about any steps if a new relationship develops, if ever. I post because taking any new step forward sheds light on so many different aspects of my own personal development. Its an experiment. My current (identified) issues are neediness and self confidence. I have enjoyed some successes in both areas this year but I had no idea just how much work I still need to do until I went out on a few dates, got chewed up,then spit out.

If the end goal is to become the best person I can be I need to get out of the house and meet new people. Looking for hookup- heck no. I am soooooo unprepared for that right now:)

Today, I learned something amazing. I live in a very small town and the area is very rural and sparsely populated. I emailed back and forth with someone last night a few times. This morning she posted on her FB page that she received emails from THIRTY local guys last night. WOW!

Other then that im continuing my mission.Being superman for D4. 175 pushups a day- increased by 4 each week,Im 185 lbs, 32X32 pant size - soon to be 30X32, slowly increasing calories in my diet, Reading No more Mr. Nice guy a second time (its going to require several reads). My credit score is soaring. (just got approved for my first amex card- I began with a secure card for chrissake). Financial management has become my #1 priority.

As I ramp down dating experiment one, I will now focus on learning how to play the guitar. Ive always wanted too but always got distracted. Ive got an old electric that Ill play unplugged until I get a very basic foundation.

What else to do this year
Find a new job
Find a new place to live

Not too daunting a list smile
Posted By: LBH_LC

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/13/14 04:32 PM

Love it, PS! 175 push-ups a day, holy smokes. Is that all at once or scattered throughout the day?
Posted By: Positivespin

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/13/14 07:28 PM

Lefty,
currently 4 sets of 44 throughout the day (6am, 10am, 4pm, 6pm). I do these 6 days a week. I take wed off as a rest day and then up my reps by one per set on Thursday.

My diet is as follows (consume 1 pt of water before br, lunch, dinner)
br- One packet quaker maple and brown sug oatmeal (healthy weight) or 1 cup special k with berries (and .5 cup milk) (both served with one banana

10am snack- one yoplat yogurt

1pm - lunch- one box (2 servings) of green giant frozen veggies (healthy weight)

4pm- one package (8) whole wheat peanut butter crackers

Dinner- whatever the hell I want smile

The calories have been increased however since they are so low fat Im still losing weight and waist size (I was a 42/44 a year ago)

The month of February's goal will be to create a resume. I also need to start measuring my arms, chest, waist etc. I really wish I had done this from the start.

I also need to focus on spending more time ALONE. Upon further reflection this dating was really about me achieving a certain level of success over the last year and wanting it to be validated (HUGE PROBLEM). That was an Epic failure. I did find someone really unique- after getting dropped by that person (she actually said I was a "nice guy" in the so long email) I lowered my standards dramatically just to get "dates". I then found myself in "Nice guy hell" - willing to do anything to get approval.

ALL GOALS MUST BE 100% CONTROLLABLE BY ME!
Posted By: PatientMan

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/13/14 08:08 PM

If you start to plateau on your body-weight exercises, let me know and I can point you to a simple weightlifting plan. Doing pushups 6 days a week, you're going to eventually exhaust the benefit of that regimen and if you want to continue to get stronger, you'll need to switch your routine up.

For me, I find that pushups don't really help my bench press, but bench press really helps up the number of pushups I can do. When you're in the 40/50/60+ number of pushups range you're working your endurance and not so much your top-end strength, the latter of which really adds muscle, burns calories, and gives your metabolism a kick in the pants.

And on some exercises there's no point for me in doing BW. For example, I don't do dips without at least a 45 pound plate hanging off of a belt because with the number of reps I can do, it's practically pointless. For me, I'll do work sets of dips with the added weight and can still keep a relatively safe/high number of reps (15-20+). Then after I've exhausted the muscle groups with the added weight, I'll finish off with a set of BW.

Kind of got rambling there. Congrats on your success! Let me know if you'd like advice on what to do or what programs I think are good/simple to follow.

-PM
Posted By: Positivespin

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/13/14 08:32 PM

I chose pushups because they seemed to have the greatest all around benefit in the least period of time with no equipment. As im forced to do 2 sets at work in work clothes I charged full steam ahead with this.

at this time I cant go to a gym and as Ill be relocating soon I cant buy equipment. I have much success when D4 can be part of it (ie riding the bike or having her count pushups situps etc). If you can get creative around that criteria that would be awesome.
Posted By: PatientMan

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/13/14 08:47 PM

What are all the exercises you are doing? I can be creative.

-PM
Posted By: Positivespin

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/22/14 09:12 PM

First off- I am embarrassed by the way I tried to rationalize why a wonderful person would not want to begin a relationship with me. Upon much reflection I realized I was far to desperate to get her to like me and I was overly needy. Totally unattractive. So, to the incredible person I wrote about, who will never read this, im sorry.

Second off- I had my second (and final) mediation meeting. Guess what.....No divorce papers! I have been very clear since month 4, I will not take out the papers but if they are given to me I will sign as I will not beg to be taken back. In the meeting she said she hasnt taken them out because "she feels like a failure" but that "I think I have to because its been so long". The mediators mind was blown and she immediately asked my X to leave the room.

The mediator asked if I thought that we could reunite and I again told her (as Ive stated all along) that I could still see a path where we could be together again but it would take alot of therapy, alot of rebuilding of trust and starting at the absolute beginning...perhaps just mtg for coffee for 20 minutes.

It gets better..........

The mediator then meets with her and I leave the room. It lasts about 10 minutes then Im asked to rejoin. The mediator then tells us that she knows several pro- marriage therapists that she could direct us too and that we should not be throwing away a 18 year relationship because of "standards that may be overly critical".
My X is now staring at me to make a move, a gesture - I dont. SHE NEEDS TO BE THE ONE TO COME BACK.

Mediation continues and we are at the screws and bolts (process) part of my custody of D4. I state that it must be made clear. If either of us moves more then a 30 minute driving distance of the other I have 100% custody. She agrees - but then adds " MAYBE ILL JUST GO WITH YOU" ?????? WTF

Either way, the final papers are being drawn up and I have gone dark again. Im giving it 60 days for her to take the next step. If she does not,I will not allow myself to be any more a door mat then Ive been, the mediation papers will be done and I will move out of the house (leaving her with both the lease and the mortgage). At that time the job search begins and life Part2 for d4 and I begins.........

Reality may have caused the fog to lift a bit but I dont trust a damn thing she does or says. Its amazing,we have switched roles. I am now the super responsible one and she has become the dreamer/slacker.

What a year!
Posted By: RealityTrip

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/22/14 10:20 PM

Whoaaaa.... whoaaaa... and whoaaaa! OK. I need a minute to process myself! Coming back later. I don't know... my first reaction was not yours, so I need to put me in a "Spin" frame of experience.

Luv ya bub! Superman!
Posted By: OneDay

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/23/14 05:11 AM

Whoaaa is right. I thought we were talking push ups The u bust out the second mediation. I'm going to check back on u tomorrow about that

In the mean time do a search for "power tower" it's a calisthenics workout station for Arnd 100. You could get ur full body workout in during daddy duty.
Posted By: RealityTrip

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/23/14 02:00 PM

Hey Spin, So I've been thinking... I'm not going to be in a "Spin" frame of mind... I'm going to challenge you.

Originally Posted By: Positivespin
In the meeting she said she hasnt taken them out because "she feels like a failure" but that "I think I have to because its been so long".

Ok. W is unsure of the decision and is honest that she feels like she backed herself into a corner. She was looking to you to rescue her from her own mistake.

Originally Posted By: Positivespin
The mediator asked if I thought that we could reunite and I again told her (as Ive stated all along) that I could still see a path where we could be together again but it would take alot of therapy, alot of rebuilding of trust and starting at the absolute beginning...perhaps just mtg for coffee for 20 minutes.

But the unknown is does W know you still feel this way? You have not been pursuing her.

Originally Posted By: Positivespin

The mediator then meets with her and I leave the room. It lasts about 10 minutes then Im asked to rejoin. The mediator then tells us that she knows several pro- marriage therapists that she could direct us too and that we should not be throwing away a 18 year relationship because of "standards that may be overly critical".

This indicates that in both of your private meetings with the mediator, they must have seen some commonality in the possibility of reconciliation.

Originally Posted By: Positivespin

My X is now staring at me to make a move, a gesture - I dont. SHE NEEDS TO BE THE ONE TO COME BACK.

You need her to be the one to come back. I think a lot of LBS's feel this way. It makes us more trusting that they really do love us... and all that jazz. We also need validation that they made the bigger mistake right? That one is hard for me to get past in my sitch.


Originally Posted By: Positivespin
She agrees - but then adds " MAYBE ILL JUST GO WITH YOU" ?????? WTF

She was asking again, more boldy this time, for you to throw her a life line. Remember that WAS's, especially those with OM/OW, are AFRAID that we will/could NEVER, forgive them.

Originally Posted By: Positivespin
Im giving it 60 days for her to take the next step.

Why 60 days? And why so dark?

Originally Posted By: Positivespin
If she does not,I will not allow myself to be any more a door mat then Ive been,

You have never been a door mat my dear! Strong, introspective, growing, and a great father... but never a door mat.


Originally Posted By: Positivespin
Reality may have caused the fog to lift a bit but I dont trust a damn thing she does or says.

^^^ and there you have it. This is what yo need to focus on. If you don't think you can ever come to a point where you can trust her again then why wait 60 days? Why wait for her to make another move?

When it comes down to it, IMO, W was scared and having second thoughts during mediation. She looked to you to see if you were having the same thoughts. She wanted to know if it was ok to be vulnerable with you.

Is it?
Posted By: OneDay

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 01/29/14 03:16 AM

Hey PS. it's me Scottcat. (I switched my username)

I've been thinking about you and ur last post. How r u holding up? Haven't heard from you in awhile. I know that last mediation was not what you were expecting. It still seemed to have a positive twist to it. Not sure what else to say but that I'm thinking and praying for you, D3 and WAS.
Posted By: Positivespin

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 02/04/14 04:11 PM

February is real tough. Ive been unfocused and am trying to get back on point. I thrive in routine and im seeing a great wall of change ahead of me- and im racing straight towards it. Im intimidated,overwhelmed and scared.

I had some bloodwork done on Saturday because im not me right now. Suddenly, confidence is low and im finding myself with anxiety type symptoms (Biting nails, picking skin etc).

Im hoping they find low vit D or low iron etc, something easy to fix and obvious. All I want to do is be a slug. I do force myself to keep exercising but I sabotage myself by eating alot more at night (My only unscripted meal of the day).

I stopped the dating site. I was only looking for long term relationship quality women and the more I thought about it the more I believe that caliber of woman would not touch a separated man with a 100 foot pole. Trial and error......right?

So im continuing to live and im continuing to learn. Im currently focusing on learning how to build, and maintain, attraction. Ive done so much wrong because I just didnt know any better. My wife had a pile of mush. A spineless, opinionless, 6 ft tall blob. We never fought because I simply gave up and gave her what she wanted......Boy oh boy have I changed in that regard smile

RT- I appreciate so much you taking the time to present a different perspective. Im concerned because its SUCH a fine line. Is my x like pawxatawny and simply popping her head out of her arse for a peak? I have been so dark that I cant outright forgive- I have no idea what went on or is currently going on. I let her go. D4 and I both deserve a home filled with love. She needs to make the commitment, on her own, to rebuild a very different model. MY first step towards a reunite would obviously have to be asking her what her current sitch is. Personally, I dont want to know. I have no desire to be her girlfriend.

Scotty- GREAT TO SEE YOU ARE HERE smile
Posted By: Maritimer

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 02/04/14 07:55 PM

I hear what you are saying, January was a rough one for me too. I withdrew from all forms of social media and forgot the GAL part. Must be due to such a brutal winter here on the east coast. Lack of sun maybe..

Get back on that positive track and be awesome for you and D. The rest will all fall into place!
Posted By: RealityTrip

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 02/11/14 07:52 PM

Beuller? Beuller? Beuller?

Where you at Ferris? Singin' on a parade float or stealin' Ferrari's?

Checking in on you. I hope you are feeling better and the testing came back A-OK!

I know today might be a not good day for you... Just want to make you laugh! laugh

But remember how far you have come! (((((Spin))))
Posted By: LBH_LC

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 02/25/14 06:43 PM

Hey, PS, let us know how you're doing!
Posted By: Positivespin

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 03/13/14 03:36 PM

I KNEW it was going to be a crazy year!

The house is sold- Closing is Mar 31. Inspection and appraisal came back good. The "memory museum" will be gone.

Still no D papers, she had said in the past that she was waiting for the house to sell first.

Received text yesterday that I needed to get my own auto insurance next month- Ill assume that sets the tone for the direction we are heading in.

Montreal woman popped back on my phone and she initiated texting again and started becoming heavy. Using some of my newly learned techniques I decided to take a 5 hr road trip (no prob at all- I love them, I could do it every week) I needed to identify if she had real romantic interest or was just looking for a girlfriend. We have a blast together but I got my answer. I deleated her from my phone and initiated no further contact.

My hotmail account got hacked (Thanks x mom in law) and now its in lockdown for 15 more days.

I get a text from montreal yesterday at 630 am after 2 weeks of no contact "Did you get my emails?" I say no what were they about? She said the first was a "how are you" and the second was a article i would be interested in.

My new place is SAWEEEEEEEEEET! Indoor pool, hot tub, right on the water, kayaks etc. It will be one hell of a fun summer :)Its got 3 bedrooms, all granite and marble kitchen and best of allit keeps D4 in her same school for another year.

So the situps and pushups continue.....4x50 pushups a day and 210 bicycles. My weight is on hold at a steady 185-190 and the extra skin is slowly going away and revealing abs.

I tried to ride my bike on Sat but still too much ice and its now been snowing 24 straight hours.

Another hobby I USUALLY do this time of year is making maple syrup. This year has been unusually cold and I have no sap yet- last year I already had 150 gallons of sap and produced 7 gallons of liquid gold.

My biggest decision right now is whether to finally shave the head or not. Ive had the "friar tuck" thing going on for the last 8 years but was always hesitant due to acne under my hair. But its the time of year to make the decision so it doesnt end up two-tone............what to do oh what to do.

Financial goals are being achieved. Credit score has elevated very nicely, amex gold in my wallet,no outstanding debt, and almost 2 months salary in the bank. (a long way from $24 to my name and a 524 score at bomb drop)

As we all know we cant control our other halves. Ive been dark and focused 100000000% on building ,from absolutely nothing, a very strong foundation for my daughter and I. My mediation went as cleanly as humanly possible and Ive never once lashed out. (OH AND I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WANTED TOO).

Ive gotten a life but im still waaaaay to emotionally needy. I meet a nice woman and my head jumps to marriage. So im still off the dating sites.

Last Thursday I received the words I thought id never hear. "I think your ready to graduate"- Those words were from my therapist of the last 5 years. If it wasnt for my constant journaling Id never appreciate how bad a place I was at 1 year ago.

You are the best.......:)
Posted By: unbidden

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 03/13/14 03:50 PM

Wow, what a turnaround in you and what inspiration. Thanks so much for sharing the great work. Good luck and God speed.
Posted By: Maritimer

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 03/14/14 04:06 PM

Congrats on the sale! Your new place sounds great, so excited for you and your D.

Too bad it never worked out with the Montreal lady. Relationships are hard on the head when your vulnerable.

Youíre a real exercise guru, thatís great you're keeping up with it. Therapy at its best. What a tasty hobby you have to work at a Sugar shack (Thatís what we call them in the Great white north). Nothing better than being in the woods in the spring.

What a great feeling it must be to have your therapist say you have the tools you need to move forward successfully, you worked hard to get there.

Keep up the great work!
Posted By: JuneReN

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 03/14/14 09:44 PM

PS...you frickin' made the road trip and didn't give me a heads up???


Grrrrr....... <3
Posted By: Positivespin

Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV - 03/21/14 04:53 PM

Moving, Moving, Moving.............and a friend suggests I take a road trip to the Mid-Atlantic the end of June smile

When I moved into the house I remember saying to myself "Thank god! Its the last move ill have to make- This is now home"

Que up the music "Our house...is a very very very fine house...with two dogs....."

Now im 38 yo and packing up to move into a apartment.....Ive already been at that step,isnt this moving backwards???

My status on Maslows Hierarchy of needs took a tumble the last year as well.

Here I sit today designing a plan for a new life. If my "roots" have been blown to shnit and I have a license to go almost anyplace on Earth......where should I go????????

......I stay right where I am for one more year- There is too much unfinished business and I dont like the feeling of "running away".

Is it time to get a temp check on my X? I get alot of grief about not knowing ANYTHING about her current life. Is she seeing someone? Where is she living?......No clue but her arse better be at the designated spot at the designated time on the designated day for me to have my D4 back.

In my recent reading I learned something very important- "Stop looking for the perfect answer....just make a damn decision- ANY DECISION"

Where do i want to live?
Do I want to buy a car?
What do I want to do?
Do I want to try to re-establish myself here?

Everything happens for a reason...........RIGHT?????

"Dont worry...bout a thing.....cause every little thing....its gonna be alright......."
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