Here I am.... Again. This time I'm not sure there is anything I can do. I haven't responded lately because my H caught me on here and became really upset about it. I was scared to come back in fear of him catching me and everything going down the drain.
I appreciate everyone who offered me advise. When you are going through something like this validation and options and help really gets me through the day so thank you.
And of course I am back. This morning H brought up to me the fact that he doesn't think we love each other enough. That we don't love each other as much as other people do. I told him I love him more than anything and I asked of maybe to him not loving me. He responded "how could I not love you. You do everything for me and take care of me"
He has now been sulking around the house and seems sad and depressed. Are we too far gone?
I've been wondering what was going on.
You can validate his feelings without agreeing with them. He may feel as if he doesn't love you "enough", but that doesn't mean you feel the same way about him.
Marriages have rocky times; sometimes you don't feel like you love each other, or that the little things keep getting in the way. Marriages that can learn to cope with those times will be stronger and go the distance.
Have you discussed marriage counseling recently? What's going on with his late-night coming and going? The last I saw, it sounded like he was doing some serious cake-eating.
Link to your previous threads:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=26252I don't really understand why your H would be upset about you being on a DB forum? Sounds like he's just looking for excuses to push you away.
This morning H brought up to me the fact that he doesn't think we love each other enough. That we don't love each other as much as other people do.
In Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Covey makes the case that love is a verb, not a noun. It's something that you do, not something that just "is". Your H has the choice to love you as much or as little as he wants. But if he chooses not to love you, that's a choice that he made, not something he can blame on external elements.
Why are you afraid of what your H might think? If he gets angry about you reading this site, just tell him it helps you to learn how to make your M better. Period. No other explanation is needed and he can read it if he wants to.
Stop walking on eggshells around him.
Marriages have rocky times; sometimes you don't feel like you love each other, or that the little things keep getting in the way. Marriages that can learn to cope with those times will be stronger and go the distance.
I agree. I guess I'm just not sure what to say in response. I told him that too. He said he didn't necessarily want a response it's just how he feels. I asked for an example and he couldn't give me one. He then said maybe he is just tired and exhausted and that I shouldn't even listen to him. I just told him I love him more than anything and he is my husband and to never question my love for him. He replied "ok." He was very affectionate during this conversation and told me he loved me too very sweetly by his actions for he rest of the day is what is bothering me. He walked around the house sulking and sad and depressed. I would give him the odd kiss and touch to brighten him but it didn't work. I left now and told him I love him and he replied the same and I left. I fell like he is holding something in and is too scared to tell me. I have him free reign and told him not to hold anything back and he said he wasn't. I don't know what to think?
Have you discussed marriage counseling recently? What's going on with his late-night coming and going? The last I saw, it sounded like he was doing some serious cake-eating.
No haven't brought up counseling. I don't know what my reason would be if he feels likes its a love issue. Marriage counsellor and bring you love? The late night issue has subsided a bit. He hasn't been out late in a while. He went for wings a few weeks ago and came home at a decent time. But I have another issue with that where he is leaving for the weekend to ref hockey and is going to be visiting with his buddy who just cheated on his wife and is now dating the girl. So he will be hanging out with them both. Which worries me.
I don't really understand why your H would be upset about you being on a DB forum? Sounds like he's just looking for excuses to push you away.
He was upset because he couldn't believe I was putting all our information up on the internet for strangers to read. It infuriated him. Not sure if it was the policeman in him or what. But I decided to stay clear for a while.
In Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Covey makes the case that love is a verb, not a noun. It's something that you do, not something that just "is". Your H has the choice to love you as much or as little as he wants. But if he chooses not to love you, that's a choice that he made, not something he can blame on external elements.
I'm not sure I completely understand this and how to communicate this to my H.
Why are you afraid of what your H might think? If he gets angry about you reading this site, just tell him it helps you to learn how to make your M better. Period. No other explanation is needed and he can read it if he wants to.
Stop walking on eggshells around him.
I did. I told him it's just looking for advice and to help others also that go through marriage problems. He was annoyed and doesn't want me talking about my life on the internet like this. Especially with strangers. I told him to read it and he wanted no part.
I honestly don't think I will ever stop walking on eggshells until our marriage is either over or 100%stable. Right now I'm petrified.
" Right now I'm petrified."
This is what you are going to have to overcome. Get stronger and he will see that he can't control you. It has become an issue of control for him.
I honestly don't think I will ever stop walking on eggshells until our marriage is either over or 100%stable.
There is no such thing as a 100% stable marriage; life is full of too much change for that.
What you can hope for is a commitment from your H to work with you when problems arise, not running away from them (and by extension, you).
MrBond is right; you have to learn to overcome this fear of being alone, or of being abandoned by your H, because you can't control him any more than he can you.
MrBond is right; you have to learn to overcome this fear of being alone, or of being abandoned by your H, because you can't control him any more than he can you.
Do you think that is something I can change? I feel like it's just my personality. I've always been like this. I guess I'm so fearful because of a few reasons. First being I love him. Second being we have three small children. Third being I've gone back to school and have no income to support myself. And I just wanna do anything to keep this all together.
He continuously goes in and out of these phases. First in 2009. Then again in July of this year. Now again in November. Everything gets better and we go back to normal then this arises again. I feel like I'm fighting for my marriage more than I'm enjoying it.
I know I can't control him but sometimes sitting here and waiting for his ups and downs gets stressful.
Do you think that is something I can change? I feel like it's just my personality. I've always been like this.
People change their ways of thinking all of the time. If they didn't, then it would put psychologists and psychiatrists out of business (not to mention quite a few religions that tell people they can change their ways).
I guess I'm so fearful because of a few reasons. First being I love him.
Why would loving him make you fearful?
Second being we have three small children.
True, but if he was really done with the relationship, staying for the kids is a really lousy reason to do so. And given that you two had #3 after his first incident, a part of me wonders if that wasn't to make sure he could keep you under control.
Third being I've gone back to school and have no income to support myself. And I just wanna do anything to keep this all together
People's plans change all of the time because of situations beyond their control. What would you do if he did actually leave? Or if something horrible happened to him as part of his job?
He continuously goes in and out of these phases. First in 2009. Then again in July of this year. Now again in November. Everything gets better and we go back to normal then this arises again. I feel like I'm fighting for my marriage more than I'm enjoying it.
Then you two need to start doing something different. Really different.
Maybe he doesn't get to refuse to go to marriage counseling anymore, since it seems the two of you have been struggling for so long. If he has these dramatic mood swings, maybe he should see someone on his own; I'd think that it as to be impacting other things in his life.
Or, perhaps he's a crazy, narcissistic control freak who likes having you around to look after his kids and clean up after him while he gets to pretend to be single and hang out with the boys. And all he has to do is either threaten to leave or put on a "poor me" act to keep you in line.
"Do you think that is something I can change? I feel like it's just my personality."
Of course you can. If you didn't think you could change, you wouldn't be on here. Everyone can change. They just have to WANT to.
"I'm so fearful because of a few reasons. First being I love him. Second being we have three small children. Third being I've gone back to school and have no income to support myself."
Those aren't reasons to be afraid. You just don't believe in yourself enough to be brave.
"I feel like I'm fighting for my marriage more than I'm enjoying it."
That's YOUR choice. YOU are the one who put his needs before yours. It's not his fault. Start living your own life and you'll get your confidence back.
"I know I can't control him but sometimes sitting here and waiting for his ups and downs gets stressful."
Which begs the question...why are you sitting there waiting for HIM? Don't you have your own life? Are you attached to him by a string or a leash? Do you jump at his every command? If so, then you're a puppet and not a W. Start getting your own life. You don't have to go against the marriage for that, but start doing what you enjoy doing without being afraid of consequences.
Well we have had some time apart lately. He has been reffing hockey a lot lately and I went away on a shopping trip. It was nice to have some space. He was pretty involved in my weekend which I was t expecting. I expected not to hear from him all weekend. So that was good. Once home he made a few comments about being happy he isn't reffing this weekend so we can have some time together and that he was trying to get errands done around the house before I got home so we can has husband an wife time. Always nice to hear. I feel like we are just in a lull. How do you get out of it? I want him to be excited about me. Maybe I'm thinking too much. I get nervous when it's a night we are both home cause I don't want him to feel "bored" with me. But 10 years in I hope this is a normal feeling....
I feel like we are just in a lull.
Not from what you've been describing the past few months. People in a "lull" don't threaten divorce and don't stay out all night.
How do you get out of it?
Time, and a commitment to work together to make it better.
I want him to be excited about me.
You can't make him interested in you; all you can do is try to be interesting. Understand the difference?
Maybe I'm thinking too much. I get nervous when it's a night we are both home cause I don't want him to feel "bored" with me. But 10 years in I hope this is a normal feeling....
It can be; it's very easy to settle into a rut. The last time I talked to a DB coach, she said that the number one complaint that most couples have is that their lives together become uninteresting. People don't get married with the idea that their lives together are going to be endless nights of watching TV; they want to have a partner to enjoy life with.
That doesn't meant your lives have to be seat-of-the-pants adventure; something as simple as a weekly "date night" would be a good start. Make a commitment to going out and spending time together as a couple.
MWD talks about solution-focused therapy as being the basis of DB: If something isn't working in your relationship, try something new, and if something was working in your relationship, what changed?
Your H's story seems to change as time goes on. What does he say he is unhappy or dissatisfied with in your R?
Well....I think it's finally come to the end and I basically don't think there is anything I can do anymore.
We went away for the weekend and plans were to stay Sunday in the city and shop. He decided to cut it short and come home to go out with his 2 single buddies and watch the Canadian football league final game of the season. I asked if we can come because usually it's equivalent to the Super Bowl. People have house parties! Kids are there. He said no be is going to a pub with them. I got really upset for him making this decision all on his own. Cancelling our family day in he city and we got into a big fight. It's the first time in months I actually showed my anger and didn't sweep it under the rug. And sure enough...huge fight.
He played stubborn and didn't go and stayed home but the second the game was over he left with them and didn't come home till 3 am and didn't answer any of my texts. That was Sunday and be hasn't really talked to me since except last night.
I asked him what was wrong and he said I'm annoying and he doesn't want to be around me or talk to me. I asked him how to fix it and he said he doesn't know if we can and that our marriage is at an all time low. I told him marriages go through ups and downs and you communicate and figure out the problem and make it better. And he he just wouldn't respond. I left the house for a few hours and when I got back be was still livid.
But then all of a sudden he tried his new work uniform on and came upstairs to ask me how it looks. And then asked me a few more questions about my day.
I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do.
And yes TrentC, it does seem like his problems with us are always changing...maybe he is just never gonna be happy in our marriage?
This time his problem is the fact I was upset about him cutting our family weekend short to go drink with his single buddies and leave his family at home.
Well....I think it's finally come to the end and I basically don't think there is anything I can do anymore.
There wasn't a lot you can do to fix your marriage, because it's not your problem to fix, it's his. We've been telling you from day one that you can't fix him.
He played stubborn and didn't go and stayed home but the second the game was over he left with them and didn't come home till 3 am and didn't answer any of my texts. That was Sunday and be hasn't really talked to me since except last night.
Because you're not letting him have his way any more. He's been pushing you around and feeding you crumbs of hope to keep you exactly where you've been for months.
I asked him what was wrong and he said I'm annoying and he doesn't want to be around me or talk to me. I asked him how to fix it and he said he doesn't know if we can and that our marriage is at an all time low. I told him marriages go through ups and downs and you communicate and figure out the problem and make it better. And he he just wouldn't respond. I left the house for a few hours and when I got back be was still livid.
OK, now
stop bothering him about it. Rule one of divorce busting is to stop pressuring him about the relationship; if he has made up his mind that he's going to go, then pressuring him will only strengthen his resolve to do so. If he has not, then backing off may make him reconsider.
And yes TrentC, it does seem like his problems with us are always changing...maybe he is just never gonna be happy in our marriage?
It is possible, but your husband can't fix problems by running away from them.
If it wasn't for his age, then I'd swear that these are classic midlife crisis symptoms: restlessness in his life; the feeling that he's "trapped" by his choices; the desire to act younger and more carefree (irresponsible); the unexpected emotional outbursts. You might want to swing by the Midlife Crisis board on DB and check it out.
You are 100% correct. He is acting very much like mid life crisis victim. I feel like it still stems from our accidental pregnancy when he was 21 and having to give up professional hockey which he most likely would have taken to the NHL. He goes through these same symptoms every 5 yrs. he is happy...then he is sad and hates his life. Then realizes what he has and wants it back then happy for another 5 yrs then sad again. It's. Never ending.
I know there is nothing I can do to fix it so I'm just gonna keep going. Last night after our terrible conversation i felt sick and was ready to not go through with my day today and stay home and be sad. But I refused this morning and made myself get up and go. Is my stomach in knots? Yes. Can I eat lunch? No. But at least I'm not at home crying all day.
I'm not gonna bring up R anymore and just give him his space. As I wrote this I am at home for my lunch hour and H showed up. He knows I'm here between 12-1. So if he was soooo annoyed and didn't want to be around me then why is he showing up at home knowing full well I'm here.
So confused. He even leaned in for a kiss.
I understand letting him figure it out on his own. It's just hard to be so useless and sit back and hope for the best. But I'll do it. I'll just keep on going. I was "faking" my happy mood this morning and it definitely seems to confuse him.
TrentC. I also just want to make sure you know how appreciative I am of you and sticking with me over these past 4 years since I first came here. More than I could ever say...it gets me through the day. If that makes sense.
You're welcome.
It's lucky that I still had you on my DB friends' list; I probably would not have caught that you were posting again otherwise.
I would definitely check out the Midlife Crisis forum here on DB.
There are other forums as well that specialize in helping people who are struggling with their spouse's crisis. You might find links to them in the MLC forum.
I just briefly went over it but I can't seem to find much help. A lot seem to have more "mid-life" issues. And a lot have OM or OM. Not the case for me. In this position do I withdraw a bit? Don't force physical affection? One of the thinks I read over there was to be friendly but occupied. Never initiate conversation. And always finish and leave room first. I will work on this tonight. If I can get this pit out of my stomach.
I'm so tired of being strung along. "I'm happy. I'm not. I'm happy. I'm annoyed with you and don't know if I can fix it. But tomorrow I'll make sure I come visit while you are home and initiate physical affection"
I feel like my mental being is starting to go downward and I'm getting depressed.
So I've refrained from R talk. I feel like I'm I goring my marriage? Last night we talked briefly and he mentioned a couple things be needs to do around the house. All while sounding and looking depressed. I feel like in ignoring his problems and issues. Is that the right thing to do?
He came and laid in bed and watched tv while I slept but no touch. No kiss goodnight....
Feel like I'm just waiting for hose awful words I've heard twice now...I'm leaving.
All over a fight about him going out with friends rather than staying with family.
So I've refrained from R talk. I feel like I'm I goring my marriage? Last night we talked briefly and he mentioned a couple things be needs to do around the house. All while sounding and looking depressed. I feel like in ignoring his problems and issues. Is that the right thing to do?
I've been telling you the same thing, on and off again, for months:
you cannot fix him. His problems are for him to deal with, and if he needs your help in doing so then he has to learn to ask for help from you.
Feel like I'm just waiting for hose awful words I've heard twice now...I'm leaving.
All over a fight about him going out with friends rather than staying with family.
If that is really the reason why he leaves you, then he is a petty and small-minded man. Who ends up a marriage, even a troubled one, over a single argument?
The reasons that people leave their marriages can be boiled down to one thing: whatever their problems or complaints are, they think there is no possibility that things will get better.
You can keep doing what you have been doing, which is tormenting yourself over things that you have no control over, or you can start doing what you could have been doing all of this time. Learn to practice detachment, and take yourself off of this emotional roller coaster you have been on. Choose to stop worrying about every single thing your husband says and does, and what it could possibly mean. Stop throwing yourself in the way of your husband's self-destructive behavior, and let him make the mistakes and deal with the consequences.
Here's something that your husband doesn't realize: even if he divorces you, you are never going to be completely out of his life. You have three kids together, and that means custody and visitation; that means him paying child support to you (unless he's going to quit his job and be a full-time dad?); that means staying in contact as you argue about who gets holidays and summer vacations.
Stop obsessing over the day-to-day, minute-to-minute stuff, and start looking at the bigger picture. If he is in some kind of a midlife crisis then this is going to take YEARS for him to resolve. Where do you want to be when he emerges from the other side?
(And honestly? I know you are convinced that there is no way your husband could be having an affair but so was I. This forum, and many other groups like it, are filled with people who were sure that their spouses would never cheat—right up until they learn the truth.)
You can keep doing what you have been doing, which is tormenting yourself over things that you have no control over, or you can start doing what you could have been doing all of this time. Learn to practice detachment, and take yourself off of this emotional roller coaster you have been on. Choose to stop worrying about every single thing your husband says and does, and what it could possibly mean. Stop throwing yourself in the way of your husband's self-destructive behavior, and let him make the mistakes and deal with the consequences.
Ain't that the truth. You would think after have done this once ready i should know this like the back of my hand. But no...I work myself up so much analyzing every single thing he does! It consumes my mind!
So this week has been hell and today I go to my vehicle at lunch time and what is on my front seat? A bag of takeout. My favourite meal from my favourite restaurant. Well anybody going through this is gonna analyze that to death! It just doesn't make sense! After the way he has been toward me all week. He is just so up and down.
He is away all weekend for work so I invited some friends over to visit me and the boys. I'm trying to GAL but with three little ones unfortunately it's gonna be at my house. But at least it will occupy my mind for a while.
(And honestly? I know you are convinced that there is no way your husband could be having an affair but so was I. This forum, and many other groups like it, are filled with people who were sure that their spouses would never cheat—right up until they learn the truth.)
As far as this goes. Yes there are times where I think they may be a possibility I just don't know what to do or find out or what....
I wouldn't attempt to figure out if there is another woman unless knowing for sure will compel you to make a decision one way or the other.
Affairs are frequently discovered at some point. He'll text the wrong phone number, or a friend or acquaintance will see him with another woman and tell you. He may even intentionally "slip" and let you discover the affair, because you will either leave him or your reaction will "force" him to leave you. (That way, he gets to try to alleviate any guilt he may be feeling over his actions.)
Ya. So far nothing. I told him that he won husband of the year yesterday as a joke for leaving me lunch on my seat in my vehicle. He goes...I'm hardly husband of the year. I didn't respond. Didn't know what to say. The aura at home is awkward. Be won't touch me unless I initiate. I'm sad and stuck and just wanna talk and know I can't. I'm trying to be upbeat. It's so stressful while we are both home:(
Ya. So far nothing. I told him that he won husband of the year yesterday as a joke for leaving me lunch on my seat in my vehicle.
Why would you tell him that? You say it was a joke, so you didn't really think he's husband of the year? He's making you miserable for months, and one small act of kindness makes up for that?
Some people get so wrapped up in trying to figure out what to say or do to get what they want out of their spouses that they forget what it's like to be honest with them. Because honesty is scary; you are opening yourself up to someone you love, and if they react badly then it's easy to accept that as a criticism or rejection of yourself.
So start small. The next time he does something like that, don't go overboard or try to butter him up. Try simply saying "I really appreciated you doing that for me. Thanks." It's doesn't overstate anything and it's genuine.
He goes...I'm hardly husband of the year. I didn't respond. Didn't know what to say. The aura at home is awkward.
Because you will not stop trying to fix things; you can't help picking at the problem.
I was the same way early on; if I could just find the right thing to say or do, then she would realize what a big mistake she was making and things would be better.
But real life doesn't work that way. He might actually have to make that big mistake—and maybe other mistakes as well—before he recognizes the truth.
Some people get so wrapped up in trying to figure out what to say or do to get what they want out of their spouses that they forget what it's like to be honest with them. Because honesty is scary; you are opening yourself up to someone you love, and if they react badly then it's easy to accept that as a criticism or rejection of yourself.
Exactly...I think the idea of not trying to come up with that right word or reason that may make him clue in makes me feel useless. As long as I have been going through this I know this is wrong! I'm such a weak person. I hate it. I don't know why I can't be stronger.
I would love to re-read DB for more pointers but I through it out after our last reconciliation because our marriage was amazing. I must have jinxed myself.
But real life doesn't work that way. He might actually have to make that big mistake—and maybe other mistakes as well—before he recognizes the truth.
I kind of think 4 years ago when he dropped the last bomb and actually left was his "mistake" and sure he learned from it. For four years....and here we are again
Is it common for couples to go through this twice? And make it through twice?
Exactly...I think the idea of not trying to come up with that right word or reason that may make him clue in makes me feel useless. As long as I have been going through this I know this is wrong! I'm such a weak person. I hate it. I don't know why I can't be stronger.
If these habits or behavior patterns were easy to break, then they wouldn't be the actual problem.
I would consider talking to a therapist. Not a marriage counselor, but someone for
you. Who can help you identify the issues you need to work on and try to help you with them.
I kind of think 4 years ago when he dropped the last bomb and actually left was his "mistake" and sure he learned from it. For four years....and here we are again
Then I would suggest that he really didn't learn from his mistake. He may have wanted to come back and work on the relationship, but it sounds like you two didn't learn everything you needed to, so you slid into old habits again, which rekindled the same frustrations.
Like I said a few months ago when this started again—you thought that your marriage was "fixed" after the last crisis, but now you I hope guys see that it's not a one-time thing; that there can always be challenges in front of you.
And that's what I want to say to him...life isn't always gonna be a bowl of peaches. You have to work through our problems and know they are gonna always arise. It's like the second something seems to bother him a lot he gets like this and thinks it's the end of our marriage. I don't get it.
And I don't know how to deal. He left for work tonight and gave me a big tight hug and a kiss but it felt meaningless. And the haze in his eyes and the sadness in his face told me so. I think be really wants out again and is too scared to say anything. So he is beating himself up on the inside.
So he is out reffing tonight out of town but should be back at a decent time. I guarantee he has plans to go out and isn't gonna tell me and will just show up at 3am. What do I do? Ignore? Act as if?
I think be really wants out again and is too scared to say anything. So he is beating himself up on the inside.
Stop trying to read his mind. You are so mired in these dysfunctional behavior patterns that I don't think you even realize you do it.
Why would he be too scared to say he wants out? He's said that he wants out before; he even moved out for a few months, if I remember correctly. So what would stop him now?
So he was in an ok mood today. But cracked the odd comment. We had an extra firepit and we talked about giving it to friends for their new home. I asked today if he was doing that and he said he isn't sure. Maybe he will keep it for his "new place". I asked him to repeat and be said "ya! My new place with T" (our middle child). Obviously a joke...but really? Then later he asked if he should shave his head and leave his Movember stache. I told him no I hate him in a shaved head and he said " what do you care..." I told him I have to look at him everyday. He goes "I can fix that". I asked him if he is trying to tell me something with all these comments and he said no he would sit me down if he had something to say. But then he goes..."Hun, do you think we should be married?" OMG...it never ends!!! I said yes, I love you. Then I got angry and told him he did this to me and when be came home again he promised me he would never do this to me ever again so don't even talk like this anymore!" He said ya well that was before you went crazy again...He says all this in a somewhat joking not serious manner but at the same time does he mean it? We set up all our Xmas decorations today and he did the outside lights. He bought these special expensive lights secretly that I have wanted for a while and told me he wanted to surprise me with them. But couldn't.
I'm so confused
And ps. He came home at 5 am last night....normal of a husband/father of three? Told me he drove a bunch of people home from bar and then went and talked to his police buddy who was working. But there were no calls coming in so they sat and talked and he lost track of time. I dunno.
Because you refuse to do what you need to do, which is to let go of his chaos. You insist on continuing to scrutinize every single thing he says and does for the "real" meaning; you are the one making yourself miserable at this point, not him. You know how I keep saying that you can't fix him? The reverse is true as well.
And, you are doing exactly what you claim you don't want to do, which is to push him away.
No one can live with that kind of pressure on them, let alone someone who is going through their own emotional crisis. I don't know if it's a midlife crisis, or some other form of depression—maybe some form of PTSD?—but he is barely holding himself together, and you insist on loading him down with your baggage as well.
I don't understand what you mean about me loading him down with my baggage? I do think there is an emotional crisis going on. What man who is such a family guy dedicated to his wife and kids turns into a bar maniac. Going out till all hours of the morning.
I guess I just don't know how to handle that? Do I sit him down and talk to him about it? Do I act as if?
I'm just really puzzled as to what to do because he isn't leaving, he isn't talking about leaving (seriously). I think he jokes about it because he is a control freak and likes me under his power. But I'm lost as to how to react. What's right and what's wrong.
This is just so different than last time
And he goes through such up and downs. This morning he was affectionate with me and hugging and kissing and saying thank you every five minutes for everything I did.
I'm trying not to let it affect me and just keep on keepin on but I can't help but wonder what I should be saying or doing in these circumstances.
Do I sit him down and talk to him about it?
Has anything happened in the past few months to give you the idea that talking to him about what is going on would work? Every time you do, he either says something that upsets, you get angry and lash out at him, or both.
I'm just really puzzled as to what to do because he isn't leaving, he isn't talking about leaving (seriously). I think he jokes about it because he is a control freak and likes me under his power. But I'm lost as to how to react. What's right and what's wrong.
I've been telling you for weeks: leave him alone. Give him space to deal with what he's going through. If you need to work on something, start with yourself. You keep looking for the "right" thing to say or do to make things better or make him happy, and that's not how life works.
I'm trying not to let it affect me and just keep on keepin on but I can't help but wonder what I should be saying or doing in these circumstances.
Go find another copy of
The Divorce Remedy. SAY NOTHING. If he's seriously considering leaving you, then all you are doing right now by piling guilt and pressure on him is solidifying his resolve to leave.
Ok. I'll say nothing.
We are both home tonight for the first time in a while so I'm pretty nervous.
Nervous about his mood. This morning he was sweet and affectionate and nice. I'm just nervous to hang out with my own husband. Since this last week of terrible interaction we haven't been around each other much due to busy-ness in oir lives so it makes me nervous to spend the night with him.
And especially after the remarks he keeps cracking. I just don't know what to respond.
You are nervous because you feel you need to moderate your attitude or state of mind to match his. It is horribly, horribly codependent and self-abusive.
Can you find something to do with the kids so that you're not there when he gets home? If not, then try finding something to do with them--rent some movies to watch. Let him go as he pleases. And DO NOT talk about your relationship, no matter how much he tries to bait you.
If he tries, tell him you don't want to talk about it right now. If he threatens to leave, tell him that you can't stop him. (Which is essentially true.) He may try the "poor me" trick and whine about the fact that he's a lousy husband; tell him that you are sorry he feels that way, and you know that he is capable of being the man he wants to be.
Can you find something to do with the kids so that you're not there when he gets home? If not, then try finding something to do with them--rent some movies to watch. Let him go as he pleases. And DO NOT talk about your relationship, no matter how much he tries to bait you.
He was home with the kids before me but after school I had to go get gas. I walked in the door and he seemed to be in a normal mood. And within 3 minutes asked me where I went after school? All I did was get gas so it wasn't like I was an hour late. It was like 10 minutes. Had I asked HIM that???!!! Bombs would have dropped?!
If he tries, tell him you don't want to talk about it right now. If he threatens to leave, tell him that you can't stop him. (Which is essentially true.) He may try the "poor me" trick and whine about the fact that he's a lousy husband; tell him that you are sorry he feels that way, and you know that he is capable of being the man he wants to be.
None of this happened tonight thank goodness. I was not ready for more of this type of conversation. He did end up leaving most of the night to go Xmas light shopping and take my middle boy to the doctor. By the time he got back we put kids to bed and he went out to put lights up and shovel snow. So in the end we still didn't have time together. I'm starting to wonder of he does this on purpose.
The only alarming thing of the night was I walked past the bathroom and he had his phone plugged in to charge and his jacket was in there and he like stuffed his phone on the hood of the jacket and walked out. Really felt like he didn't want me to see his phone. Whether I'm jumping to conclusions or not it was a yucky feeling and I can't get it out of my head.
The only alarming thing of the night was I walked past the bathroom and he had his phone plugged in to charge and his jacket was in there and he like stuffed his phone on the hood of the jacket and walked out. Really felt like he didn't want me to see his phone. Whether I'm jumping to conclusions or not it was a yucky feeling and I can't get it out of my head.
Well, for one, you're trying to interpret everything he does, again.
At the same time, it doesn't surprise me at all; as you know, I've suspected that there may be an OW.
I would not worry about it until you are ready to confront him about it and deal with the consequences. He will almost certainly lie about it; he'll tell you you're crazy or jealous, and he'll probably threaten to leave you. There's no reason to deal with that until a) you are sure that there is something going on, and b) you are ready to accept the results of such a confrontation.
Well big bomb.
I vented to my sister and mom about this whole situation and they went off obviously sticking up for me. This all by text. Not a lot of good. But i did stick up for him the odd time.
Well he connected the iPad to my iPhone and ready every message to both of them and is more mad than I have ever seen him.
Speechless. Driving around...don't know what to do.
If you're still out and about, then stay out; find someone place can get a cup of coffee or something.
I have an iPhone and an iPad so I'm pretty sure I know what he did; it won't be easy to untangle them right now. Obviously, don't carry on any texting conversations on your phone for the time being.
You don't have to do anything right now; give him some time to process what he has learned.
I drove around and around. Came home and he was still livid. I asked of he wanted to talk about it. He said he would come to the bedroom soon. I ended up falling asleep and he stayed out watching tv. Came to bed around midnight and slept in my bed which I was surprised
Woke up this morning and we talked a bit. He is still overwhelmingly upset and embarrassed. My mom kind of went off and called him a few names and he is sad about that. Doesn't know how he could look them in the face again.
I'm at a loss.
What exactly is he upset about?
Anyone who thinks that their spouse doesn't discuss their relationship with a trusted friend or family member is kidding themselves.
Is he unhappy that your family doesn't like him? Well, his behavior is the cause of that. He wants to pretend that he can do whatever he wants with no consequences, but that's not how the world works.
If he starts running himself down again, try saying what I suggested before: that you are sorry that he feels that way, but you have faith that he can be whatever kind of man he wants to be. Don't call him "husband of the year" or try to flatter him; the reason it didn't work last time is because you both know it's not true right now.
What exactly is he upset about?
He is upset that I went to my mom and sister. He said he would never throw me under the bus to his family. It changes their perception and it's not fair. I kind of see his point. But I don't think I would be entirely upset if he went to his sister or mom for advice. He is more upset about what they said and doesn't think he can ever face them again after knowing what they said about him.
I don't think he is going to run himself down. He isn't mad or sad at himself he is upset with what "I" did. He finds it very upsetting.
Last night he asked me if I can have my mom come down and help with the kids cause clearly our marriage isn't working.
I don't know what to say to make this better. I feel like him staying and sleeping in our bed with me may be a good thing. I'm just so overwhelmed and clueless as to what to say or do.
He is upset that I went to my mom and sister. He said he would never throw me under the bus to his family. It changes their perception and it's not fair. I kind of see his point. But I don't think I would be entirely upset if he went to his sister or mom for advice. He is more upset about what they said and doesn't think he can ever face them again after knowing what they said about him.
I actually don't disagree with him.
There is a danger in getting your family involved with your marital disputes, because although they will be on your side, they don't always share your priorities. A lot of people think that if a marriage has too many problems then you just walk away and start over. And your family is likely to encourage you to leave because they don't want to see you hurt yourself by staying.
As for his not being able to face them because of what they said about him? Again, he bears much of the responsibility for that. What do you think they will say about him it if turns out he is seeing someone on the side? Will they commend you for standing by him and trying to work things out? Or will they tell you to dump his lying, cheating ass?
I don't know what to say to make this better.
Well, start by telling him that you won't discuss it with your family any more. And don't. Ask
him what
he wants to do to try to work things out.
I know. It was the wrong thing to do. I just needed someone to listen and I picked the wrong person. I told him all of this. I don't want to involve my friends because I feel like they would hate him. My sister and mom understand we have had our problems in the past and they don't ever think differently of him. I think that's why I felt safe talking to them.
I am at school and he is leaving the city this afternoon to ref. Should I text him that I won't talk to them anymore? Our talk ended short this morning cause I had to get to school so we never really finished. Or should I leave him to have the night to cool down a bit????
Also last night when I left it was while he was gone with the boys. He text me when he got home and asked why I would leave the house. And to call my sister and mom and see if leaving works out for me in the end.
Is this a sign he cares? That it may not be the be all end all? Is the fact he slept in my bed with me a good sign?
I know. It was the wrong thing to do. I just needed someone to listen and I picked the wrong person. I told him all of this. I don't want to involve my friends because I feel like they would hate him. My sister and mom understand we have had our problems in the past and they don't ever think differently of him. I think that's why I felt safe talking to them.
I understand; I actually talked to my family a lot in the months after BD. But eventually I stopped because it became obvious that the more I talked to them about it, the more upset they got about her behavior.
I am at school and he is leaving the city this afternoon to ref. Should I text him that I won't talk to them anymore? Our talk ended short this morning cause I had to get to school so we never really finished. Or should I leave him to have the night to cool down a bit????
Let him come to you about this. Tell him just what you said; that you needed to discuss things with someone you trusted, but that you made a mistake talking to your family and you want talk to them about this any more.
Is this a sign he cares? That it may not be the be all end all? Is the fact he slept in my bed with me a good sign?
STOP DOING THIS.
It's getting very tiring, telling you not to analyze every thing he says and does for its real meaning—if for no other reason then he will almost certainly say or do something contradictory soon.
Ok. I'll wait till he comes home tonight and hopefully get the chance to tell him I won't do it anymore and it wasn't right and I was just needing to talk to someone. Hopefully he believes me.
The problem is that he has been looking at my texts for a couple weeks and held it in all this time. He asked me questions that he only would have known from reading my texts and drilled me about them. I lied because I knew there was no way he would know. (Ex. Why are you bashing me to your mom and sister). I straight out lied saying I didn't even though I did talk to them. I wasn't going to admit that to his face! I got scared and lied. So he repeatedly asked me questions and I lied THEN be revealed the iPad thing. So he tricked me and now he said he doesn't know what to believe out of my mouth because I have now straight lied to him numerous times. So when I told him I apologize and had no reason to talk to my mom anymore he doesn't believe me. So not sure of telling him I won't do it anymore ever is gonna help cause he doesn't believe or trust me.
This is exactly why I've been telling you need to detach, and to stop being so fearful. You are so afraid of doing something "wrong" that you twist yourself up in knots. So he set a trap and you walked right into it.
He's trying to take away whatever power and self-confidence you might have been building up, and will dangle this over your head any time he needs to shove you back into your place. He'll almost certainly do it if and when you confront him about a possible OW.
So he repeatedly asked me questions and I lied THEN be revealed the iPad thing. So he tricked me and now he said he doesn't know what to believe out of my mouth because I have now straight lied to him numerous times. So when I told him I apologize and had no reason to talk to my mom anymore he doesn't believe me. So not sure of telling him I won't do it anymore ever is gonna help cause he doesn't believe or trust me.
Of course, he lied to you as well. That counts, too.
He pretended he didn't know anything about those texts to get you to "incriminate" yourself. He didn't treat you like his wife, he interrogated you like a suspect in a crime. Keep that in mind the next time he wants to rub your nose in this.
True. And that's exactly what I said to him. This isn't how marriage works. This isn't how our marriage ever has worked. I feel like a criminal that he deals with everyday. It's not a nice feeling to be tricked into lying because yes...I was scared to tell him I vented to my sis and mom.
Now I'm in this position where I feel for how he is feeling but at the same time he found out in a horrible way and I just hate how he always gets to be mad at me. And I seem to always make the mistakes in this marriage. 4 years ago be left me for MY problems, 6 months ago he threatened to leave me again because "I" have a problem with affection, now he isn't sure what's going to happen to our marriage because "I" lied to him and talked to my family about him.
I'm always at a loss. And he feels like he is always the bigger better person in every situation. And in fighting for my marriage to death.
I was scared to tell him I vented to my sis and mom.
Because you are afraid of being alone; in your mind that means you can't do anything to make him angry, so you will say and do anything to keep him "happy." And he knows it, and uses it to make you feel like a second-class person in your own marriage.
Let me be clear: what he did was horribly petty and mean-spirited. He could have—he
should have—come to you and said "I found these messages between you and your family, and I'm really upset"; you could have had a real discussion about things. Instead, he misled you and manipulatied you into saying something that he could then twist against you.
Now I'm in this position where I feel for how he is feeling but at the same time he found out in a horrible way and I just hate how he always gets to be mad at me. And I seem to always make the mistakes in this marriage.
I'm sure that's not the case at all; however, he's a manipulative control freak and he will twist everything into making it seem like it's your fault.
And because you are terrified of the thought of him leaving you, you let him get away with that. Nothing will change for you until you get over the fear of his leaving you.
1) If he wants to leave, he will. There is very little you can do to keep him in your marriage against his will; and even if you could, why would you want to stay married to someone who doesn't want to be with you any more?
2) If he leaves, you will be OK. It'll hurt a lot, and you will be miserable for a while; depending on how custody and child support goes, he will always be a presence in your life. But you will heal, and you might be able to find a healthier relationship with someone else.
3) If you don't take the time to learn about yourself and deal with some of the issues that you have, your relationships will never become what you want them to be; you will keep going from bad relationship to bad relationship, trying to find the person who can "fix" you.
Because you are afraid of being alone; in your mind that means you can't do anything to make him angry, so you will say and do anything to keep him "happy." And he knows it, and uses it to make you feel like a second-class person in your own marriage.
Couldn't say it better myself.
Let me be clear: what he did was horribly petty and mean-spirited. He could have—he should have—come to you and said "I found these messages between you and your family, and I'm really upset"; you could have had a real discussion about things. Instead, he misled you and manipulatied you into saying something that he could then twist against you.
Exactly. This is what a strong healthy marriage would look like. Is this something I could bring up with him? Or do I just leave it?
I'm sure that's not the case at all; however, he's a manipulative control freak and he will twist everything into making it seem like it's your fault.
Yes i know:( his new late night social life, the fact he manipulated me rather than communicated with me...blah blah. He never seems to think he does anything wrong? Had the tables been turned and I read HIS messages? He would have absolutely went crazy with anger that I read his messages and it would have been my fault for reading them. He is so good at making it about me regardless. Actually had that been me reading his messages looking for a listening ear from his sister or mom I really don't think I would have said a thing. It would have sucked to see them saying a few bad things about me but I don't think I would have ever admitted that to him because I would have felt terrible for reading them in the first place. He doesn't! He doesn't think reading those was wrong.
1) If he wants to leave, he will. There is very little you can do to keep him in your marriage against his will; and even if you could, why would you want to stay married to someone who doesn't want to be with you any more?
I guess I don't. I don't want him to be here if he doesn't love me.
If he leaves, you will be OK.
This is the part I can't understand yet. I don't want to think about it. I don't think I will be ok. I'm the weakest person you will ever meet. I just don't think I have the strength to get through this.
I didn't contact him all day and when I got home he was gone already to ref. He will be home well after I'm sleeping. In trying to detach. I had a good night with the boys and only teared up a little. Even had half a chicken breast for supper. More than I've had in a week. Small positive.
I just wish I knew all the answers. What to say, how to act...
I just wish I knew all the answers. What to say, how to act...
As long as those are the answers you are looking for, you will stay trapped.
What you want are the magic words to say and the things to do that will make him love you and never treat you badly, ever again. And those don't exist.
The "what to say" and "how to act" are being true to yourself and repsecting yourself. And until you spend some time dealing with
your issues, you can't hope to repair your marriage—if it even can be repaired at this point.
I honestly don't have anything else to say. I can repeat myself until I'm blue in the face, and you'll just keep ignoring what I'm telling you because it's not what you want to hear.
And if you won't lift a finger to help yourself, consider your kids.
If your husband is as bad as I think he is, once he's done emotionally battering you into submission, they'll probably be next in line. Control freaks don't like ANYTHING happening without their permission.
And if he doesn't, then consider what your sons are learning about love and marriage from the two of you. Do you want them growing up thinking that the women in their life have to be stupid and weak? Do you want them going out into the world looking for women they can push around, the way their father pushes you around?
The "what to say" and "how to act" are being true to yourself and repsecting yourself. And until you spend some time dealing with your issues, you can't hope to repair your marriage—if it even can be repaired at this point.
I know. This is exactly how I get every time this happens. My fear overrides my intelligence. I know what I need to do. I know what I should be doing in respect to myself. I know all these things. I'm just so petrified for my marriage to be over that I let myself act this way and do these things. It's sad really.
I love that man more than anything in the world and I just want my family back together.
I didn't initiate anything this morning. He actually touched me first and held my hand when I was saying goodbye before I left for school. I responded but that was it. I'm trying to just detach and wait until he may want to talk.
The only thing I wonder about is if I detach, gal, act as if I know he won't bring it up cause he doesn't like to "talk". I'm scared it will just be one of those times where it just gets left unsaid and sits under the rug and never gets dealt with.
The only thing I wonder about is if I detach, gal, act as if I know he won't bring it up cause he doesn't like to "talk". I'm scared it will just be one of those times where it just gets left unsaid and sits under the rug and never gets dealt with.
You're putting the cart before the horse again.
Nothing will get better in your marriage until at least one of you starts doing things differently. And I don't mean for a couple of days, or a week or two; I mean for good.
For the record: I do not think that your marriage is unsalvageable (although I think abuse, whether emotional or physical, should be a deal-breaker). But I think it will take a LOT of work, and the best thing you can do is start with the one thing you have total control over—yourself.
I also don't think he will really leave you if he has control issues; he won't take the chance that you will learn to be happy without him. He will only move out or file for divorce to punish you, to coerce you into compliance.
Went home at lunch and he was crying on the couch saying he is so stressed out and doesn't know what to do. Doesn't think we can fix our problems this time.
Says he is still so hurt and sad. And continued to cry.
I acknowledged his feelings and told him I understood. That he knows how I feel. And how this whole thing came about. Out of me trying to salvage our marriage. Nothing intentional. He agreed I didn't intentional try to hurt him but that's what happened. I said I can't change how he feels with my words.
I said I love him and I think our marriage is worth saving. And he wouldn't look me in the face. Just kept saying he is exhausted and sad. And I told him I would see him later and left.
It may be over...
He just keeps saying how is isn't even mad I went to my sister and mom. He is more mad that when they talked bad about him i didn't stick up for him. That's what he says is his biggest issue right now. Behind closed doors he expects me to always stick up for him no matter what. He said he would never let his mom or sister talk about me like that.
That's what is hurting him most right now.
Behind closed doors he expects me to always stick up for him no matter what.
Says the guy who you said makes everything in your relationship your fault?
This is pure manipulation on his part; he's trying to make you choose between him and your family in order to cut you off from anything and anyone who might threaten his control over you.
Do you find that manipulation? Am I being naive when I think he is right? And I should have stuck up for him?
I can tell him time and time again how much I love him and how much I want to be with him and he now says that doesn't matter because now I lie, and now he knows how I really feel by not standing up for him.
There was a text where I told my mom that after he came home last time I had him under my wing and I've lost that. He threw that in my face today. I was speechless. I can't believe I even said that.
Got home from school and he is still quite sad and depressed and not talking like 6 months ago after his 2nd bomb. He wasn't exactly initiating touch but he was leaving take my son to the city for eye surgery so when I got near he didn't put his arms out for me but came close as to wanting a hug. So I hugged him. He was receptive to it and I kissed his cheek. Then again a few minutes later as he was actually walking out the door he came close again as to wanting more? So I hugged him again. But I didn't say I love you. Just said let me know you made it there safely. (The highway is really bad as we just had an intense blizzard). He said ok. Talk to you soon and left.
I kept a happy mood. Tried to act as if. And showed no sadness or tears.
Do you find that manipulation? Am I being naive when I think he is right? And I should have stuck up for him?
Maybe in normal situations, yes. But you are miserable, and he is one of the primary causes of that. What are you supposed to do? Pretend he's not staying out all hours of the night? Pretend his radical mood swings aren't driving you up the wall?
It's not unusual at all for people to have trusted friends other than their spouses to discuss their relationship problems with. And I will bet real money that he doesn't "stick up" for you around his buddies. No, I'm sure they know exactly how awful of a person you are. (In your H's eyes, of course.)
I can tell him time and time again how much I love him and how much I want to be with him and he now says that doesn't matter because now I lie, and now he knows how I really feel by not standing up for him.
He's a hypocritical POS. He misled you by not telling you he had read those messages, and manipulated you into a situation where he knew you would lie. (I bet you forgot to mention that, huh?) That is not the act of a man who loves you.
And what he is doing now, by deflecting any complaints you may have by dangling this over your head? It's straight-up emotional abuse. If he really believes that he can't believe what you say ever again, then he needs to go because
by definition you won't ever be able to convince him otherwise.
But he won't leave. Why should he? He's got you scared and miserable, and is trying to cut you off from any means of emotional support other than him.
Abusers do not stop abusing; there is nothing you can say or do to make him treat you better, and few crumbs of tenderness or compassion he doles out are to keep hoping for something that will never happen.
And as long as you believe this about yourself:
I don't think I will be ok. I'm the weakest person you will ever meet. I just don't think I have the strength to get through this.
then you will be trapped in this hell for the rest of your life. Victims of abuse are not to blame for the abuse, but no one can save you except yourself.
Leave your husband alone. Let him come and go, don't get sucked into conversations where he tears you down. If he tries,
leave—get in the car and go somewhere else.
You need to find someone to talk to, like a professional therapist. Do you go to church? Make an appointment with your pastor. You need to have someone who is not a family member that you can discuss this stuff with.
I will not answer your questions about what every word or gesture from him means any more, because they are all lies and manipulation. Until you start talking to a professional, I have nothing more to offer you.
Just so we're clear, I'm not trying to punish you. But the more we talk about this, the more it seems to me that you are dealing with a lot of stuff that is outside of my comfort zone.
I'm not a counselor, a lawyer, or a priest; I'm a guy who did a lot of research and talked to people of my own about what I was going through when my wife dropped the bomb on me, and am just trying to pass on a little of what I've figured out.
You wouldn't want me fixing your car or performing heart surgery on you, so I don't think you want me fixing your marriage for you either.
I'm not a counselor, a lawyer, or a priest; I'm a guy who did a lot of research and talked to people of my own about what I was going through when my wife dropped the bomb on me, and am just trying to pass on a little of what I've figured out.
I understand. You are very good at it. It seems like everything you say hits the nail on the head. Every point you make makes sense. I only hope one day to be as knowledgable as you are in this.
So what have you done to find someone to talk to?
If your husband asks you what you are doing, simply tell him that you want to talk to someone about the problems you are having. That's all; he can't argue with that, right?
He is a police officer and they have a full time counsellor for times like this. I used him last time this happened. I have put in three calls to him in the past few days and he hasn't called me back
Not sure what else to to. He is free and it's part of the benefits. I don't wanna go elsewhere and have to pay.
That would be a good place to start, then.
Still no call back. I've called three times and don't want to call again.
Things are getting better. He is coming around and today he was in a great mood. Came to my school to surprise me on my lunch break. Asked me if I missed him. Told me he misses me. Actually hugged and kissed me. Told me he loves me.
Only issue now is while visiting my step mom who has nothing to do with anything and has no idea about anything called him. He ignored it and got instantly upset. Said he knows it's not their fault and they have nothing to do with anything but for some reason doesn't want to talk to ANY of my family. Also said he doesn't know if he will ever be able to talk to my mom and sister again.
He said it's just impossible after knowing what they said about him. He doesn't know what to do about the situation and I had no idea what to say. I told him that what they said was mainly to make me feel better and not all exactly how they feel. They were saying whatever they could to console me. And that they are family and will never judge and realize we are going through hard time and would never hold anything against him. He said that doesn't matter. He just doesn't think be can do it
He said it's just impossible after knowing what they said about him. He doesn't know what to do about the situation and I had no idea what to say. I told him that what they said was mainly to make me feel better and not all exactly how they feel. They were saying whatever they could to console me. And that they are family and will never judge and realize we are going through hard time and would never hold anything against him. He said that doesn't matter. He just doesn't think be can do it
DO NOT DEFEND your parents!!! Your H was expressing feelings to you, and in defending your parents you are inadvertently communicating to him that his feelings don't matter to you. You were invalidating him. When he expresses feelings you need to do two things and two things only- LISTEN and VALIDATE. Do not explain/ justify/ defend/ argue/ agree/ disagree. Just be the greatest listener ever, and validate his feelings by telling him things like "that sounds frustrating, I can understand why you feel that way."
Still no call back. I've called three times and don't want to call again.
I understand you don't want to harrass them, but don't let this go. If he or she won't return your calls, then you may have to look elsewhere.
Things are getting better. He is coming around and today he was in a great mood. Came to my school to surprise me on my lunch break. Asked me if I missed him. Told me he misses me. Actually hugged and kissed me. Told me he loves me.
The problem is, in a day or two things will turn ugly again. At least, that seems to be the pattern.
AnotherStander is right; now is not the time to try to fix things between your family and your husband. (And when that time comes, you WILL be right to defend your husband to them.)
Nothing much has been said the last few days until last night. He is going to bye city that my sister lives in and he said he feels sad because he would normally call her up and go see her. And now that isn't happening. I asked him if he thinks she hates Hates him and never wants to see him because that isn't the case and he replied ,"no that's how i feel about her...." I didn't answer cause I didn't know what to say. He just kept saying it [censored]
I don't know how to fix this. My sister text him the day after it happened apologizing and telling him she doesn't know what she was talking about and was just trying to make me feel better and that she loves him
He didn't reply to her.
I don't know how to fix this. My sister text him the day after it happened apologizing and telling him she doesn't know what she was talking about and was just trying to make me feel better and that she loves him
He didn't reply to her.
If your husband chooses not to accept your sister's apology then that's up to them to resolve. It isn't your place to fix them.
I have a younger sister and two older stepsisters; let's call them April, May, and June. The younger stepsister (May) lives out of state; my sister (April) and the older stepsister (June) had a really bad falling out several years ago and don't speak to each other; June never calls or visits my parents.
Every year for Christmas, May comes into town and wants everyone to get together for the holidays. Even though my sister chooses not to attend, May keeps trying to get June and my parents to make plans together. May thinks she is helping things, but she really isn't; she just makes everyone uncomfortable by doing this.
Trent has given you some great advice. I am not familiar with your past sitch, but reading through this thread I see the same pattern that Trent has identified, and it is definitely a game that you both continue to play.
Yes, venting to your family probably wasn't the best idea. BUT he set you up. There were problems before this, and now he is turning it around to be your fault. Now he has goods on you to "prove" that it is your fault. You need to stop playing his game. You need to stop being weak. It is time for you to be a strong independent woman for 3 very important reasons--your kids--your relationship--YOURSELF!
First, stop feeling guilty about what happened with your mom and sister. It is done. You can change what happened. You did it with good intentions. How he feels about it is his problem now. Not yours. He is going to continue to make it yours because he wants you to think you are the reason for the problems in your marriage. Don't play into that.
Right now you will not be able to reason with him. It is like talking to a two year old who is whining because he wants a cookie. You can keep saying no which will just escalate the issue to a tantrum, or you can remove the cookie from the situation and ignore the cries until they are forgotten. In other words DON'T ENGAGE.
Yes you can validate when he is being sincere, but stop taking responsibility for it. You did that already, continuing to apologize and take on all the fault starts to be pleading, begging and desperate. Not only do you give up all of your control, it is also very unattractive. He ignored your sister's apology. That is his choice and it is not your problem anymore. You already took ownership for your part in it, and now it is time to let it go. What he did is far worse than what you did anyway. But I wouldn't bring that up unless you are ready to big blow up.
I know you want to save your marriage, but desperate clinging is not going to fix it. Trying to talk about it is only going to feed the fire and give him more ammo. It is time to care by not caring. That is what detachment is. It is finally understanding unconditional love and putting that idea into practice. Right now you are free from the duties of being a wife. Focus on yourself, your kids. Do things to make you happy without worrying about what he thinks.
I was a lot like you for a long time. And it backfired for me as well. i thought I was a great wife because i tiptoed around my h's moods--although luckily my h was not manipulative like you are experiencing. But now I realize that my wishy washy behavior, my weak persona was not only a turnoff and annoying, it also placed a huge burden on my H. Because my happiness depended him. Some of that insecurity naturally dissipated with age, but the BD was what made me really look at how detrimental my behavior was, for my R with my H and my kids and especially with myself. Before you can learn how to be the wife you want to be, and how to have the H you want to have, you need to learn how to be the best W, H, and friend for yourself! Until you can love yourself you will not be able to have a truly loving marriage. Love is not desperate. It isn't manipulative. It doesn't place demands.
I know you don't want to think of life without your H, but right now the only chance you have in saving your M is to get yourself to a place where you know you will be just fine with or without him. And the only way to do that is to become your own best friend.
Third paragraph, third sentence should say "you CAN'T change what happened."
It's been a couple of months since you posted.
Is everything okay?