Living in the Dark but seeing silver linings

So I learned from my H niece that H and OW are in ID - he is introducing her to his family. Trying to not to read into it and resist any urges to contact H. Niece said that she was worried that H didn't look good was very stressed and she was worried that he was becoming addicted to alcohol or drugs again. I told her to love him from a distance and that if he wanted help it would have to come from him.

Ok so I have decided to find silver linings in the bad here are just a few.
1. My time is my own, no more waiting and being disappointed wanting him to join our relationship.
2. I can listen to any music I want w/o H telling me how bad it is.
3. I haven't had fast food in weeks and have really enjoyed cooking in my new kitchen.
4. Joined several meet-up groups and they have been good for business and for my self esteem.
5. I can create the life I want w/o H constant criticism
6. No matter how much hate, blame and anger from H I am in charge of my emotions.
7. Realizing that life w/o H is possible and I can do it on my own.

Hi again Iva
I've just come across your new thread by accident, but I've found it now

There's some good positives in your list

Here's another one -
8. I can do what I want, when I want - That just sums up nearly all your 7 points

Have you read any more self help books? I think they are good for keeping your mind active and getting you through the tough times

Well done on saying what you said to H's niece

It's true what you say, he can only help himself. If it is true and he is addicted to drugs or alcohol again then I doubt that OW will stay around for much longer. The OW wants everything to be right in the new relationship and she'll soon realise that the grass is not greener than she first thought

If your H was to come back tomorrow, would you have him back if you knew he was on the drugs or drink again? My H is in serious debt at the mo and he won't help himself. I don't want him back until he sorts out his debt problems again and gets a proper job.

The silver linings that you have discovered sound great.
Keep up your Positive attitude, it will be worth it!

Thank you! It was hard hearing he was showing her off to our friends and family.

I tried to make today about me. Went for a long walk/hike in my favorite park - the colors were beautiful! Made my favorite meal and called friends and family. Then later a new friend called and invited me to hang out with another group of friends, it was nice and exciting to be included again.

To answer your question: No I would not take him back while he is still amerced in his addictions or still involved with his playmates that continue to enable him. I see and hear that he is spiraling down which is sad and frightening but the fastest way for him to stand again is for him to find his bottom. I just hope he has one.

I like that expression finding his bottom, I've never heard that one before

I agree I wouldn't take my H back as he is now either. You're doing great, keep up the good work on yourself

Thank you, it is a day by day process sometimes it is harder to resist the urge to reach out to him, but that hasn't worked well for me so I think I am just going to stay very quiet and dark.

I read on another thread to do what feels unnatural because what has felt natural to do hasn't worked. I am getting used to the uncertainty and uneasiness of being completely dark, besides it is what H asked for.

I have been living with the idea that we will never be together again and that he has moved on. While this isn't what I want it is an idea that I need to come to terms with because it is a very likely outcome. It seems easier building a life w/o H instead of making decisions influenced by the idea that "he may come home".

Right now in this moment I am doing just what I want to do, building the life I want, trying to decide who I want to be.

You're doing really well, far better than a lot of newcomers do

Don't let his harsh words affect you at the moment, they are only words

I agree about doing the complete opposite to what you have been doing, we've all done this in the past with great results

Although I can't think of an example of when I've done it, but I'm sure I have

So far it has been a month since I went completely dark and he hasn't responded or reached out. I still think its the best thing to do for now. His anger and resentment towards me is overwhelming and abusive, so I believe staying as dark as possible for as long as possible is what I need to do for now. Until he is able to resolve, let go/forgive, or accept his role then there is not foundation or relationship that would be healthy for either of us.

I am hoping that his family will try to encourage him to seek help, but there are VERY dysfunctional (FIL is addicted to pills, BIL is addicted to sex, and MIL is probably the most severe co-dependent I have ever met) as well and I don't see them doing anything but enabling him further. A fried told me that there was a picture posted on FB of the OW and she looked like she was on drugs or under the influence, which is frightening but I can't go there emotionally.

One thing, if his anger is abusive, even if it is emotional abuse you can get help for it

There's women support groups for that thing. I know you're not getting any abuse at the mo, but it might have affected you more than you think

Over here they can offer counselling as well as practical and emotional advice

Protect yourself

Staying dark for you is the best way to go forward at the mo

I hope you're keeping out of the way of his family right now. By the looks of things they'll probably do more harm than good. I know you probably are because you seem a very intelligent girl who knows what she's doing

TryingToDoA180,
Thank you, I wasn't in the beginning I did everything wrong, pursued, begged you know all that stuff that pushes them away.
Fortunately I have been surrounding myself with positive people and new friends as he has decided (and some old friends) that I am the evil doer.
I watched my Mother live with a verbal abuser and I just refuse to live walking on egg shells. I cried and tried for years to improve things, but no matter what I did he did what he wanted to anyway and it only seemed to make things worse.

I don't know when I will not be affected by it as much but I am looking for ways to make that happen each day. There is silver lining in everything if I look and that attitude has really improved my attitude.

How are you doing?
IvaC

Hi Iva
I'm glad that you've got some new friends

I've lost old friends as well, courtesy of H. The way I see it is if they can't stick around during the tough times, then they're not good friends.
I'm doing ok thanks

My H has been verbally abusing me since he left so I know how you feel. It's not nice at all. I've got an appt on Friday with a women's support group. I'll let you know how I get on

Take care

TryingToDo180

Good I am glad you are going to a group. I have found just getting out of the house to do whatever has been helpful because it is more difficult to discuss sitch with anyone new I am forced to think of other topics of conversation keepping me focused on more positive things.

I don't know how long hang in there. I have decided that after the holiday's if I don't hear anything I may reach out softly, but I don't want to poke the bear....if you know what I mean.
Have a great week!
IvaC

Hi Iva
You need to do what feels right at the time, if you don't feel like reaching out then don't.
I'm glad that you're getting out of the house, finding things to do and new friends.
Hope you have a great week as well

So I have been dark for over a month now and haven't heard a peep. H is still with OW. I've decided to wait until after the new year and see what happens. I see no hope in our future together. For now I am going to remain in the dark and hope that he will come around eventually, but I am going to move on without him.

Iva,

I'm going to post back in your original thread, cause that's where the back story is. It took a bit of bouncing around to catch up on your sitch.

Here's the story, maybe more will join there now, since that's where you lay out the issues.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2385372#Post2385372

Hope others start chiming in, its a very interesting side, one we don't get to see a whole lot of to be honest. Thank you for coming forward, its some great insight for others, and don't be surprised if others pick your brain a bit.

Fly, I've just gone to the other thread and read what you're saying. The fact that Iva's H has got an OW and he has been nasty on the phone makes me think that contact isn't a good idea. Iva I think you're doing well with the no contact personally, you'll find your own time when you do need to contact him. It's for you to decide when that will be and for you alone

Thank you, 180! The silence treatment may not work either but so far nothing has. Still no contact after month and a half.

Anniversary 01/01 - he will be with OW
Birthday 01/31 - OW will be here visiting him

Almost 3 months and no contact....don't know how long I should keep this up. I cant decide whether to file for divorce or not yet. I tend to go back and forth.....

Perhaps you should ask a coach. The rule of thumb is that ive been told you should see changes in some for good or bad. If not try something else. Are you GAL? And are you tasking care of you?

Your thought is very similar to 2old thread - Hardened heart. He's at the same point as you, whether or not to file for D. Do you need a D? Are you seeing someone else and want to get serious with them? That will be the only time I will need a D is when I get serious with someone else and want to move on. D is an expensive process and if you can wait longer then it could be cheaper in the long run. Have a look at 2old's thread as well

Just learned H has accepted a position in Denver and is moving next week, had to hear it from a friend. I guess being in the same state as me was too difficult.

I guess it is time to file, let go and live my life. I know I will never hear or see him again which is the hardest part of all because I do miss our friendship.

I guess this is my punishment for letting go in the first place. I will always be remembered as the reason for all his failures.

I am just lost, 15 years ended up meaning nothing to him after all..so very sad today.

I never wanted him to hate me, I wanted him to love me and ends up that he was incapable.

Just reading that last post and it was a real low for me. Received 2 emails from H since last post 50% ugly and the 50% confusing. Decided to stay unemotional and detached. I tried dating, but have decided that I am not emotionally there just yet decided that I really just want to make new friends. Trying to find things that keep me preoccupied instead of dwelling on R.

Like the song goes, "Say something I am giving up on you..."