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Chapter 3 here;
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2376067&page=1

Well, I just received the email I was dreading
So I thought we should begin the divorce process. We had talked about mediators and the therapist had suggested these people:
(name) They seem good to me. I don't know them other than by reputation and I may have seen one at a training. If that sounds good I can call to get an appointment.


Suggestions on response?
I just went to my first divorce hearing today, and discovered it's way less scary and takes WAY longer than I had even hoped.

Unless you're ready to meet, I'd respond, "I'm still chewing over my options, and don't want to make any hasty decisions; but if you want to meet with an L to get your thoughts together, you're more than welcome." You can delay nicely and carefully like that.
P.S. Sorry for the gut punch; I know it's tough to finally hear it.
I feel for ya PS,

Like JonF said, dont rush it. Let her know that you will get back to her after you thought about it more.

Glad to hear you found a nice daycare for your daughter, Thats a big load of your shoulders.
PS- I agree with Jon but take out the "you can see a L" part..she is well aware of that, I'm sure.

(((((((((((((((((((((HUGS TO YOU, my friend)))))))))))))))))))))))

Need a band-aid? I no longer have any cool Spiderman or Cars ones in my house, just generic tan ones!!

BTW- did I tell you my FIL is from ME- Castine.
I'm sorry, PS. Take heart that this is a long process and you don't know what the future will bring. You and I have seen many seemingly hopeless situations turn around since we've been here. Keep the faith, keep DBing, and keep on GALing.

Thinking of you, buddy.
Posted By: jp787 Re: Thread #4- The pivot I hoped wouldn't come - 10/08/13 04:07 AM
PS - Sorry buddy, guessing that stings.

I agree that a simple response would be best.

"Thank you for sharing where you are at W. I will get back with you soon."

This is another step, tomorrow isn't written.

Your in my thoughts.

JP
Thoughts about this response;


Im not ready, If its something you feel you must do you can make the call. Nothing "sounds good" about this.
Hmmm...I especially like the "I thought WE should begin the divorce proceedings"

I would not use the "I'm not ready" which implies that she will hold off because you aren't ready, at least to me, it does.

Do you have another way to phrase it? I have nothing this morning...lol
PS

Sorry you find your self in a rough spot!

I agree with KP and futhermore I would lose the last sentence as well. It comes out clingy to me.

What about combining JonF's and your own suggestions and go with something like:

"I am still working my options, but if you feel you must do this now you can make the call."

All the best

F
How about-

"If you feel that this is a step you must take you make the call"

Thoughts?

Thanks Ruby smile
So my response was this

"If you must do this now you can make the call"

and she responds back;

Is there some reason to wait? I had thought I would wait until the house sold, but that doesn't seem like it is going to happen for a while.

ideas on a response to this????/
Posted By: jp787 Re: Thread #4- The pivot I hoped wouldn't come - 10/08/13 03:45 PM
If you agree with waiting for the house to sell, then reply with that.

I agree that it would make more sense to wait for the house to sell.
PS, What do YOU want to do?? That is the real question here.

Hope you are doing well, today, my friend!!
Posted By: jp787 Re: Thread #4- The pivot I hoped wouldn't come - 10/09/13 03:59 PM
PS, How is your day? (A$$ man)
SOOOO the house is now sold
I have been dark for over 4 months-
I have been getting a life...and decided to go on a cruise last minute (in a few weeks)
My W made a appt for a mediator

AND I JUST RECEIVE A EMAIL FROM MY WIFE; No message just a link to a article in the NY Times-
"Long after a child has recovered from a serious illness or injury, families can be left dealing with the symptoms of post-traumatic stress."

(Background- D3.5 was born 6 weeks early at 3 lbs, we lived in a hospital for a month)

WTF???? Is this her "grieving stage" or looking for an excuse from some guilt

Any thoughts on a response or no response?

THANKS TEAM !
Posted By: labug Re: Thread #4- The pivot I hoped wouldn't come - 10/15/13 03:20 PM
Stop trying to read motive when unless she tells you what her motive is you will never now.

Take if for what it is, a kind gesture related to a traumatic situation that you both shared. No more, no less.

Maybe your response could be: "Interesting, thanks for sending the article." (but only if that's how you feel)


Don't try to figure out how she's feeling, figure out how YOU'RE feeling.
The house inspection is going on right now. My mother in Law just returned from a three week trip overseas to find our house sold, D3.5 in a new school and possible Mediation.

Its been a busy 3 weeks:)

Norwegian cruise line has designed "studios" (Tiny closet like cabins) designed for single travelers. Naturally, I had no idea. I wanted a balcony but the "single supplement" was just not worth it for me at this time.

Ive never been on a cruise before- might hate it- but I know I love the Caribbean. I know i love sun and warmth. Im thinking im going to get off the boat- rent a jeep and get as far as I can away from the 4,000+ others ruining the island.

THANKFULLY, I have become so much stronger emotionally and because of all the positive changes im finding some confidence. I began with a day at the beach by myself....now 7 days on a boat without a companion.

I had a dream about my w coming and it was our chance to reconnect. Those dreams are few and far between now. I then had a dream about meeting someone, we hit it off, and I asked "sooooo, what are you doing next week?" LOL

Anyway, more stamps in my passport and more travel with my backpack......

BUT ONLY AFTER, I pack up my "forever house" and hand over the keys.

I look forward to speaking with Mom in law tonight-
Stay strong, brother. You're doing great!
What a f'ing rollercoaster!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The deal for the house fell through. "Too many little things that added up to alot of $$$".(The house is from 1832) W called me up crying as she ASSUMED it was sold and signed a lease on a swanky new apartment (as swanky as maine gets)

To add further insult- The inspector busted a waterline to my kitchen and didnt bother to say anything.....so I had a shower in my basement and a flowing river.

So no cruise for me.
On a side note.........

I look GREAT today smile
Posted By: jp787 Re: Thread #4- The pivot I hoped wouldn't come - 10/25/13 04:38 PM
Take a cruise in your basement for today...

Tommorow is a new day.

Glad you look GREAT!
Posted By: jp787 Re: Thread #4- The pivot I hoped wouldn't come - 10/25/13 04:39 PM
Tomorrow
Originally Posted By: Positivespin
On a side note.........

I look GREAT today smile


I bet you do!

I looked pretty dapper yesterday, if I do say so myself. Shrinking and breaking in a brand new pair of STF 501s today! (33" waist, shrinking to 31") Also, I should have a vintage mid-century Navy peacoat arriving something in the next week, courtesy of eBay. Who knew we'd turn into such clotheshorses, eh?
Hello, PS, my friend! I miss you. I miss all my friends here too, but mostly the ones I've met in person.

My life, like yours, has changed A LOT in the past month. I am living a different life. Moving forward... to my future. I

I am soooo excited for you.. that you look and feel good (more of the time than not now) and that you have good thoughts about your future! I do too. :)))

And, we owe our growth and survival to this...this place and all the wonderful, supportive friends here.

Yeah, we're going to be OKAY!! smile
Hello, PS, my friend! I miss you. I miss all my friends here too, but mostly the ones I've met in person.

My life, like yours, has changed A LOT in the past month. I am living a different life. Moving forward... to my future. I

I am soooo excited for you.. that you look and feel good (more of the time than not now) and that you have good thoughts about your future! I do too. :)))

And, we owe our growth and survival to this...this place and all the wonderful, supportive friends here.

Yeah, we're going to be OKAY!! smile
I like the "taking a cruise in the basement..." LOL,

Glad you look great wink
Just stopping by to say thank you for your support, PS. Continue taking care of yourself, and hope the basement deal gets corrected soon! I know how stressful that can be.
This has been a decade of riches for us Boston sports fans smile

I grew up in the restaurant world - its where my passion lies. Im learning that more and more as I grow up. (I refuse to grow old!)

I left because the hours are long and the pay [censored].....I sold my soul to the devil.

However, this weekend will be balls to the wall GAL!!!

I begin tonight with a chinese dumpling festival at my friends restaurant(Dumplings ROCK)

Tomorrow night I begin prep for Saturdays party. Shopping, cooking, plate design........basically my happy place

Saturday, A classically designed 17 course dinner for 15 (yes, im the odd number). This will be a monster! We begin with plated Hors d'oeuvre's and end with Cafe- along the way there will be soups and sweets and fish and roasts and sorbet. YIPPEE!!!

Then on Sunday, D3.75 and I hop a train to Boston. HOME OF THE WORLD CHAMPION RED SOX. D3.75 has never been on a choo choo before so she will dig it. Then we will take my sister out for an early Sunday dinner.

There will be no time for anything but friends, family and frivolity!

I hope that you are all as blessed as I

Thanks for stopping by smile
What's up, PS?
I hope you had a great GREAT dinner and trip to Boston!! Tell your sis I said "hi". Next time we just crash at her place so we can sample ALL the wine lists wink
Too bad the house deal fell through. I could tell you were really looking forward to that cruise.

17 course Dinner! That’s a lot of food. How did it turn out? Your D must have enjoyed that trip to Boston, especially the train ride, sounds like great fun and memories for you an D!

It feels good to get back to what you have a passion for. We tend to lose that as we get older. You seem to be in a happy place, good for you!
Hi my friend! I've got some reading to do to catch up but I'm droping you an "Hola!" first... I hope you have been well and little D too!
Sooooooooooo.........
Ive been working on my appearance a lot. I've been doing far too much retail therapy.
Then I went on the cruise
I met the woman of my dreams on said cruise
42 never married, no kids, intelligent,successful, fun, confident........
And she hit on me-asked me to dinner dinner lasted four hours followed by closing down the club.....I said goodnight and went to my cabin-alone :-)

Next day I think she went out of her way to see me at the gym-then we spent the day together

It went on like this for five days

That's when I became an idiot-last Friday night while innocently watching a movie with her...I fell in love

Tool!!!!!!!! Time for the 2x4s folks

She lives 45 min north of Montreal (ruby) and 6 hr drive from here

So on sat, at a chilies in Miami airport we spent 3 hours saying goodbye-she teared up

I hop on my plane back to Boston and I'm surrounded by 9 french speaking folks from-of course-montreal

So I start thinking about how this could continue and on the next night I call her to discuss this plan -no answer

Next day she texts me - a local guy she had just met before the cruise surprised her at the airport. She can't invite me up because shed like to give him a try.

Was I used like a piece of meat?????

So why am I disclosing all this on this site? I should not have gotten on that boat. My emotional /love fuel tank was so empty that any attention on me would have been magnified in my mind - but then to have THIS amazing woman show the interest that she did was just to much. I lost complete control.

I have now had my heart stomped on twice in 11 months. Here is the learning piece.....this last one should never have impacted me as much as it does ( I caught myself crying a few times today)but because I'm so emotionally needy right now it feels as bad as the bomb.

These are my first winter holidays alone and its tough on us all. All those memories that were trashed and destroyed. It makes me yearn for love. The closeness, the opening of a bottle of wine together, after the family leaves. The touches and glances. ARGH!!!!!!!

I keep replaying southern cross in my head . For five days someone strong did come along to help me forget loving my wife-and now I'm worse off for it.

.....and I cooked a turkey:-)
Posted By: labug Re: Thread #4- The pivot I hoped wouldn't come - 11/29/13 02:59 PM
Awww PS, that must hurt but...she found you attractive and interesting and at least wanted to spend the cruise with you.

Enjoy the memory. You might be in lust but do you really think it's love, after all you've learned here?

Are yo really worse off, or are you just allowing your mind to tell you that.

It was a moment in time.
labug pretty much nailed what I wanted to say, brother. Love in five days? Nuh uh. I'm sorry things went down they did, but it looks like you may have learned a thing or two from it, so look at it that way. Don't think I'm judging you, because I'm pretty sure I would have felt the same way in your shoes.

Now then, there's nothing wrong with retail therapy. I've been doing a lot of that myself lately!

Yes, these first winter holidays are the roughest. But know that you're not the only one going through this special kind of hell, even though it feels like you are. Reach out for us when you need us, pal. We're just a click away.
Hey PS - I just read your post about the cruise. I can definitely relate to how you are feeling after being rejected and then finding someone attractive who expresses interest and WHAMO you're in love! I get it.

But rather than beating yourself up over the lost love, might you also consider that perhaps you've had a glimpse of life with someone else. That you are viewed as attractive by another person and that you will get through this. And if there is one person who finds you attractive and interesting, then there will be another, and another and then one day, love will find you again.
You guys are AWESOME. I feel so much love here!

It was the feeling of having everything - almost a dream, for one day.......the next day, BOOM on a airplane back.

As you all are experiencing its difficult driving down the holiday decorated streets and seeing couples walking leisurely (in 17 degree temps) hand in hand together. Last year I thought thats what my wife and I had.......only she was doing it with someone else.

but in the meantime something really awesome happened to me this weekend.

D3.90 was with Mommy on Sat night (She had been with me the previous 4 nights for the holiday) I was very alone. I thought id open a bottle of red, turn on some music and journal ALOT. I just felt like I needed to get alot of emotion out and have it documented in my timeline (alot of negative self talk etc).

So I decanted the old vine red. Lit a fire and decided that I needed to do some pushups (my new "go to" when i begin to think negatively) When I was done (40) I felt so strong and clear headed that I dumped the wine in the sink and began writing without smile

six pages of negative self talk spewed out. There was alot of poison inside of me. Then I went back to page 1 of volume II. Early June, I read about how sad I was, how broken,I was exhausted and had NOTHING yet I kept moving forward because I wouldnt stop and dwell. Bike ride, exercise, Bike ride, volunteer, GAL .....rinse, repeat .

My wife isnt coming back but because of this program im doing everything RIGHT(so far). My fantasy week would not have happened if it hadnt been for ALL those tough days and struggles. Hell, I remember walking into the grocery store with $20 to my name for a weeks worth of groceries for me and D3.90. It was UGLY. Ive done a complete life change 180.

Yet, no matter how much progress forward the negative self talk still creeps in and ruins my self esteem/confidence. I could drink to numb or I could face it, write it down and fight.

Ive never fought- I always gave in. It was easier.

This aspect of change will be the toughest but im working on it:)
Hello superman! Missed ya too! Just read up on this thread. You are a professional rollercoaster rider! Still doing great and growing... no matter what I see... wink

When I was reading the story about the cruise I thought, maybe Spin was projecting some residual feelings of loss and love onto that moment and that woman? And I don't htink that's a bad thing either. Feeling those things, working them out... and REALIZING that whatever final path the M takes, you can and will be able to experience wonderful feelings with other women if you choose.

Negative self talk monster... go get him. Keep slaying that dragon! I love your super-healthy journaling process. smile
At least you know that you can find love again. I understand how hurt you must feel but at least you had a memorable 5 days!

I admire your talent to be able to write 6 pages of feelings on paper. The venting is healthy for you. This roller coaster ride is a wicket one! Your doing good Positivespin.
PS: Do you find journaling and writing out your negative self-talk to be helpful? I've got a lot backed up in me, but I've been feeling too scared to let myself really experience it.
Lefty, I forced myself to begin journaling back in Feb. Originally I did it as a way to document dates and times. In the beginning it was so hard. I began writing thinking there might be an audience someday so I was restrained. After 3 months in I began to finally write freely.
Its REAL raw. Every once in a while I write "An open letter to my wife"...Im almost done with volume II . I dont dare open or re-visit Volume 1.
Volume 1 was written in a journal notebook that my wife bought me to begin writing about a trip we were about to take to Italy. The first trip overseas with our daughter. The words written were full of love for my wife and my daughter and of the amazing experiences we enjoyed together.
The first night that my wife did not come home I was so shattered that I took that journal- skipped one page and began writing all dates of significant events. I then just dumped all my racing thoughts. I remember the biggest question in my mind at that time......"Its 2am and my wife isnt home, do I lock the door?"
Like I wrote a few days back I just flipped back to page 1 of Journal II and it was amazing. I had no idea what lay ahead and the struggles id face along the way.
The Sat night entry was a huge awakening. I was still crushed and while in depression all the negativity boiled over- thats why i thought I should open the bottle of wine.
So I began to write about the feelings I was carrying through the holidays- As I was sitting at the Thanksgiving dinner table in front of a huge feast that I made and surrounded by my Family....I still couldnt get the woman out of my mind.
So I write and write and write and write.
In the background the radio is on - and on loud. If I wanted to sing loud I sang loud. Suddenly Kenny Chesneys song "When I see this bar" comes on...Something tells me to look up the lyrics...yup I wrote a verse down in the journal as well

"......and a man learning to move on/Somehow trying to find his way/ A dreamer betting on blind faith/ chasing that sun and following his heart........"

and i keep spewing and spewing and singing and crying and giggling....for several hours- after dumping the vino down the sink.

When I was done, In capitalized bold letters, I wrote...

THE DIARY OF A MADMAN!!!!! smile
Amazing. Just love it MadMan!
I feel ALOT better!

Ive achieved closure with my Cruise mate (or as much as possible). We skyped for the first time since the boat ride (previously texts and email) and I now know that it is what it was and cant be anything more.

Taking AnotherStanders advice to a friend I just ordered myself a copy of "No more Mr. Nice guy". Im realizing that my need to make everyone else happy is seriously short changing my life. There was a number of pages free to read on the "zon" site and it hit hard........I now feel like everytime I "learn about myself" im really learning what else is wrong with myself.

My first mediation appt has been confirmed for 12/19.
Those Quebecois women....they'll get you every time smile

Good to hear from you and it is not wrong to fall head over heels for someone who thinks you are cute, attractive, smart and fun to be with.

The good thing is also your heart is open again, which is nice. I think you needed the cruise, but not the heart ache.

Keep up the great Spin work.

hugs ~ Ruby.
Ruby-
Ruby,
She told me she was training for the Montreal- New York run. As soon as I heard that I thought of you and smiled.......are you doing that run?
No frown

I want to but I have to complete my internship and Master's so the most is training for the half.

It is my goal to finish my degree, get working and give H some financial (and Ruby) freedom. Only then do I feel he can make a decision as to what he wants to do.

Funny, these days? I am good with either smile

If I get my loans etc. in due time I wanna do some shopping. I'll get in touch if I'm down your way.

Miss you (((PS)))

Are you still in touch w/Turtle?? I am smile
Hi, PS (& Ruby)! smile

Just jumped on here tonight to catch up with a few friends!! smile

PS- GOod to hear you are ready and have an open heart to love again. BUt, I agree it was a stepping stone to find the one you are meant to spend "the rest of your life with!" Sorry for the heartbreak, but you are so vulnerable right now, it is very understandable.

Again, I agree that if there is one woman who wants you out there there are LOTS--- and I know there will be!!!!

I am in a new R and it is amazing...but I am very leary of heartbreak around every corner so am cautious about protecting my heart.

Going to post tonight so come visit me! (Also, text me any time!) Miss you!

-turtle
Originally Posted By: Positivespin

Taking AnotherStanders advice to a friend I just ordered myself a copy of "No more Mr. Nice guy". Im realizing that my need to make everyone else happy is seriously short changing my life. There was a number of pages free to read on the "zon" site and it hit hard........I now feel like everytime I "learn about myself" im really learning what else is wrong with myself.


I know that feeling! We LBS's are kind of like hypochondriacs, every time we read something new we're like "Oh crap, this is wrong with me too!" LOL! That book was a big help to me though, because I had no idea how much validation I was seeking from others until I read it. Just knowing about it is 3/4 of the battle to breaking those bonds that keep us tied to others and giving us the freedom to enjoy life on OUR terms.
Cancer [censored] and Leukemia blows......and the exercises from the book "NO MORE MR. NICE GUY" are a major pain in the ass!

I have a new mission, to break out of "Nice guy syndrome". Its amazing, the combination of a dominating mother and a father who was brought up in a single mother home has contributed to me not knowing how to be/act like a confident man.

In fact, I had become so dependent on my wife that I was unable to make a confident decision. STILL, I depend on many for advice and guidance.

I used to be a leader, now im happy to be a follower "Its easier"

One of the first exercises the book made me do was to make a list of the many times I wasnt allowed to be who I really was. The list was long- and it was always my mother.

What do I want INSTEAD OF what will make my mother or wife happy (or not upset)

Ive been doing this so long I have zero idea of what I want.

My father is the same way and I just now realize that if I dont break this cycle I will be just like him 30 years from now.

He attempted suicide by eating a box of rat poison 10 years ago.

Thankfully I have an AMAZING support network and I will never be in that horrible place but unhappy/miserable are certainly possible.

needless to say...change keeps a coming!

D3.99 and I went to my friends house to visit on Sat night- There was blood in his urine.
He had been home only 2 weeks after staying at various hospitals for 2 months- and he had to go back.

So I asked him if I was bringing him right then and he asked for one more night in his own bed and that he would go the next morning (yesterday). I brought him in and hung out for 6 hours.

Needless to say he was admitted and LUCKILY he will be staying local (for now). He needed alot of blood and platelets and the doctors have no idea how to help him.

Thankfully we have a brand new (1 week old) hospital and when I spoke with him this morning he said that he was very comfortable in his beautiful room.

(His nurse and I also seemed it hit it off very well yesterday as well - after she realized that I wasnt my friends "partner")

My friend had alot of fun yesterday afternoon during a real shi__y situation. He was laughing and joking....When he was cleared to finally eat the Dr. said "low sodium"- so he had our nurse order him a pepperoni pizza, french fries and Orange soda. The nurse looked up laughing "The Dr. is going to kill me" My friend said "ohhhhh like THATS whats going to kill me".

I love amazing people!
"Do you know what I like to do when im upset Daddy?"

"What? D3.99"

"I breathe in and then breathe out and then I move on and play with toys Daddy"....."

My girl is a genius!!!!!!
Love it!
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