Hi - I have been reading the posts for a while and soaking in as much information as possible. I have read DR and am currently speaking with a coach.
Synopsis of my sitch:
-Been M for 7 yrs; together for 15
-Have 3 beautiful boys, ages 4, 2 & 10 months
-BD 07/13(having EA w co-worker; ILYBINIWY;)
-EA likely over a year at this point (I had a gut feeling but did not confirm for sure until 07/13); OW is a complete mess (if I went into details about her life you would think I am lying)
-H moved out 07/13; Claims that he does not know what he wants and needs time
I have to admit that despite reading DR, reading the posts and speaking with my coach, I have been doing a horrible job implementing the advise provided to me. It took me a long time to get my emotions under control and to pick myself up off the ground after the BD. I see my H on almost a daily basis because of the kids which has proved to be very hard. I feel like he throws in daily jabs to hurt me in order to justify his actions and decisions.
But it feels like I have finally turned a corner. I am ready to get my life back and find happiness in the things that I can control. I have promised myself that for the next 30 days, I will follow the advise of my coach and everything in DR (I am a planner/controller by nature, so I like being able to cross each day off my calendar to show my progress). If I stick to the advice for 30 days, I am rewarding myself with a spa day.
I will focus on myself and stop trying to change my H. I am prepared to avoid his jabs and not let him push my buttons. I have stopped asking about the OW and stopped snooping.
I have been GAL since July. My calendar is full of activities with the kids, activities with girlfriends, signed up for a mom's group, enrolled in yoga class. Its honestly feels great and I am much happier in this aspect than I have been in years. I pretty much spent the last year waiting around to see if H was going to spend time with us and forgot to live my own life.
The first five days of this new journey have gone pretty well. No crying, pleading, asking questions. I have not contacted him first. We talk just about logistics, very little chit-chat. I am friendly. I have been getting off the phone as soon as we finish discussing the logistics.
However, we did get into an argument on day 2 because he took my kids to lunch with OW (another co-worker, my MIL and BIL were also there). I told him that under no circumstances will our children be in OW's presence again. He apologized and stated that it would not happen again. I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth, but hope that he can respect this boundary.
Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation with OW and the kids? I want him to respect this one boundary (since he is not respecting anything else at this moment).
Also, I can use any support that I can get during the next 30 days and the days that follow. I will keep updating on my progress. I feel blessed to have found a place where people understand what I am going through. I am in counseling and she knows all the details. I told two close friends (and my immediate family) that H moved out, but they don't know the details. It is nice to have a place to complain and vent and know that I will be understood. I am ready for any advice that you have and for some scolding if I get off track.
Baby Steps...It has been one week without any backslides. I have seen H everyday (due to kids) and we have managed to be civil. I have been happy and friendly. I have been taking better care of myself and feel beautiful and more confident. For the past year, H's negative comments have been holding me down.
H has started to call/text more often. He is generally calling about the kids, but it is a step in the right direction. For so long, he has been avoiding communication because he is worried that I will break down and he does not want to deal with it. For the first time in over a year and despite the fact that he no longer lives there, H started helping me around our house. He organized the garage, changed the filters, changed light bulbs. H took out the trash. H used to do all these things but stopped over a year ago when he checked out of the marriage. While we were organizing the garage, he was even talking about improvements to the house and that we should take a day when the kids are away to work on the house. I saw a tiny glimpse of the man that I married that has been gone for so long.
I know that this does not mean anything, but it is nice to see that maybe we can become friends again and/or at least co-parent in a positive manner. Two weeks ago we literally could not even be in the same room together. I keep reminding myself to focus on the small things and keep working on me.
I can honestly say that it feels amazing to be the bigger person in this situation. I have moments of pure happiness again.
I spent so much time focusing on GAL and not backsliding that I did not even realize my biggest big break through so far. Not only have I not cried in front of H, I have not shed a single tear in one week. After months of crying every day, something has changed inside me. I still get angry and hate the situation I am in, but I dont feel the deep depression anymore. I am getting stronger by the day (still not there completely by any means, but making baby steps).
Tonight I am headed out to dinner for a ladies night out with a new moms group that I joined. Tomorrow night I have IC and then my new yoga class. For the first time in years, I am taking time for myself and it feels nice. It makes me sad to miss these two evenings with my kiddos, but I know that these things will make me a happier person and better mommy.
I'm impressed 3boyzmom with how far you have come in a week!
Most of your story hit home with me about losing myself in my M and being an unhappy person. I agree it has felt wonderful to feel like me again and know I can be that way without needing H's approval or reactions.
I no longer cry everyday either, and if I start it doesn't last for more than a few minutes and I don't let H see. It feels great to be in control of myself, like you said, being the better/bigger person...and being HAPPY.
Good for you for setting goals for yourself, and the reward of a spa day is awesome incentive.
Keep posting! We are here for you.
Hello, welcome to the forums!
Hi - I have been reading the posts for a while and soaking in as much information as possible. I have read DR and am currently speaking with a coach.
That's fantastic, most new people come in here without having read a thing and instantly want the "quick fix", it's refreshing to see someone who did a lot of the legwork before posting, so congrats
I have to admit that despite reading DR, reading the posts and speaking with my coach, I have been doing a horrible job implementing the advise provided to me. It took me a long time to get my emotions under control and to pick myself up off the ground after the BD.
Was BD in July when he moved out? If so you're still early in your sitch and it's not unusual at all for the emotions to still be running wild after a few months. So I don't think it took you a "long time" at all.
I feel like he throws in daily jabs to hurt me in order to justify his actions and decisions.
Quite common. Just let them roll off of you and maintain your PMA.
I have promised myself that for the next 30 days, I will follow the advise of my coach and everything in DR (I am a planner/controller by nature, so I like being able to cross each day off my calendar to show my progress). If I stick to the advice for 30 days, I am rewarding myself with a spa day.
Good! But reward yourself with the spa day no matter what! Don't look at this as success/ failure, just promise to try your hardest and reward yourself for THAT.
I will focus on myself and stop trying to change my H. I am prepared to avoid his jabs and not let him push my buttons. I have stopped asking about the OW and stopped snooping.
Good stuff!
I have been GAL since July. My calendar is full of activities with the kids, activities with girlfriends, signed up for a mom's group, enrolled in yoga class. Its honestly feels great and I am much happier in this aspect than I have been in years.
Perfect, that's great DB'ing!
Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation with OW and the kids? I want him to respect this one boundary (since he is not respecting anything else at this moment).
Yes, leave it alone. You can't enforce boundaries on him, especially involving OW. Unless she is potentially harmful to your kids (as in is violent, or drinks or is on drugs) then don't concern yourself with it. There are no "consequences" you can enforce on him, and therefore you can't enforce the boundary. For example, what's the worst you can threaten, divorce? But he wants that anyway, and afterwards he can have OW around the kids as much as he wants regardless. See what I'm saying?
I told two close friends (and my immediate family) that H moved out, but they don't know the details.
Don't offer info to shared friends and family because they always try to intervene and the WAS always blames the LBS for "rallying the troops" against them (even if the LBS knows nothing about it). If they press you for details just say the two of you need some space to think things through and leave it at that. Make it sound like it's something you BOTH want.
Now if you have friends that have no contact with your H and don't know him, then by all means share everything with them. It's good to have the support here, but there's nothing more therapeutic then having face-to-face convos with people.
One more thing, these positive signs you're seeing from your H, just chalk them up as "baby steps" and keep up with your DB'ing. This is a marathon, not a sprint. It's going to take many months, probably even a year or more, before things truly turn around. Be very patient!
Thank you all so much for the advice. I have felt so alone the past year. I have been hiding everything from my friends and family because if we are ever able to reconcile, I don't want it to affect their perception of H and make things more difficult.
I do have concerns about OW. I believe (and H has somewhat admitted) that OW has a drinking problem. H has been trying to save her from her downward spiral and has spent the past year picking her up. It is so ironic that H was there for OW, but here I am alone picking myself up and moving forward with my life on my own. Despite the fact that it hurts and I will have a million setbacks on my journey, it makes me smile to know that I am strong and I will do this for myself and my kids.
Ugh, I know that hurts to see them be so "loyal" to someone else when they have been completely disloyal to you. I had that happen early on after BD and couldn't believe what I was hearing. Especially when OW made threats on her FB page to my family. My H had calmly defended her. I was like 'yeah, i'm over this'. Not a battle I even want to be a part of especially when someone is morally corrupt and indecent.
Keep believing you are strong, even when you don't feel it. Post here and you won't feel so alone after a while.
Take care.
I was doing great until tonight. I had IC and she mentioned that she noticed a difference. She could see some of the happiness I have found and see me building strength and that I am really working in me. I left feeling good and headed to me new yoga class which was excellent.
My H was at the house watching the kids. We talked about the kids and their night. H mentioned a class that he had taken today and I asked how it went. He mentioned needing to do homework for his class tomorrow. Without thinking I asked how he was getting to class because he can't drive on Thursdays (part of punishment for DUI). He responsed that OW was driving him (they work together and it is a work related class). I instantly wished that I could have taken back the question. I did not even think before I asked because we have spent so much time talking about driving arrangements and kids because of his driving situation. I told H that I appreciated his honesty and simply stated I would be lying if I said that it does not hurt. He followed with his general "I am not trying to hurt you and I have no way else to get there because no one else knows about the DUI.). I let him end the conversation. No crying telling or anything.
Ahhh...how do you keep DBing without being a doormat. I know I should not have said anything and made it look like I could care less, but I just hate that he thinks he can do as he pleases. I know I can't change his actions and how he thinks but how do I get to the point of not feeling like a doormat?
Sad morning after last night...it still blows my mind how this man who used to love me with all his heart feels no remorse. However, I know that he has to walk his own journey and I have to walk mine.
I have been having a hard time not planning the future. I am a planner and love looking forward to vacations and fun adventures. With everything up in the air and just living in crisis mode, I have shut down all thoughts about the future.
But I did something crazy this morning...I booked a trip to Disney for the kids and myself for next September. Disney has held a big place in my heart. H and I got engaged there and enjoyed several fun trips alone and with the kids. The boys have been begging to go again. H and I had talked about taking the kids next year. I decided that even if H is not in the picture, I can still take my boys and have an excellent time. We can make new memories that will last a lifetime. So this morning when I received an email with an excellent discount, I called and put a hold on a room. It is fully refundable and I can make changes or cancel all together if it is not doable next year.
I need to learn that no matter what happens, I will be able to make amazing memories on my own with the kids. We will make plans together and have things to look forward to. I know that come September 2014, I will be proud of the journey that I have taken (regardless of where it leads) and I will have a blast!!
Sad morning after last night...it still blows my mind how this man who used to love me with all his heart feels no remorse. However, I know that he has to walk his own journey and I have to walk mine.
You are learning detachment! Good for YOU! Love him from afar.
I have been having a hard time not planning the future. I am a planner and love looking forward to vacations and fun adventures. With everything up in the air and just living in crisis mode, I have shut down all thoughts about the future.
I have done this too, and still have a hard time figuring out what to do with future things. Holidays, I dread right now.
But I did something crazy this morning...I booked a trip to Disney for the kids and myself for next September. Disney has held a big place in my heart. H and I got engaged there and enjoyed several fun trips alone and with the kids. The boys have been begging to go again. H and I had talked about taking the kids next year. I decided that even if H is not in the picture, I can still take my boys and have an excellent time. We can make new memories that will last a lifetime. So this morning when I received an email with an excellent discount, I called and put a hold on a room. It is fully refundable and I can make changes or cancel all together if it is not doable next year.
I don't think this is crazy! I think this is very brave and strong of you.
I need to learn that no matter what happens, I will be able to make amazing memories on my own with the kids. We will make plans together and have things to look forward to. I know that come September 2014, I will be proud of the journey that I have taken (regardless of where it leads) and I will have a blast!!
Be patient with yourself as well. It's a long, up and down journey. I can see in your posts you are already becoming stronger. Now believe it!
I need some advice about how to handle the situation with my H and the kids. H moved out, but he still sees the kids almost every day. H comes over early a few morning to watch the kids so that I can head to work early (like I have always done) and then he takes the kids to school. He sees them every Wednesday and Friday night without me and then usually on Monday for baseball practice and then we sometimes do family stuff on the weekend. We have dinner together as a family as well(never just the two of us).
Our times together as a family are awesome. We have so much fun together and our conversations are great. We laugh, talk a little about work (not too much since OW is involved with his job), friends, etc. H makes sure to mention that we are only getting along because the kids are "buffers" which is frustrating. I believe that he says it to continue to justify OW.
I have been ok with this set up because it was giving us some time to connect in a good way and it allowed the kids to see H since they have no idea what H moved out.
It is getting harder to have fun times together and then constantly watch him walk out the door to his "new life." I know that he is still involved with the OW. I dont know if the EA has transitioned into an PA, but I am trying to act as if it has.
I am getting concerned that H is just too comfortable with this situation. H hates having to get up early to watch the kids, so I guess that is forcing him to do something different. But it still feels like he is getting the best of both worlds. He is getting to choose his family and the OW. H has no reason to do anything other than continue to live in the two little worlds that he has created. I know for a fact that he does not think I will leave and can always come back if he wants because he has told me several times.
Do I need to make some changes? I don't want to be angry or vindictive. Any advice??
Hi 3boyzmom, I am right in this sitch too only my H is still at home. I ask many of these same questions every day too. I almost asked my H to leave the other day, but realized it came from pure emotion and probably would not be handled well. So I"m not sure I have any great advice on this as I am in the same spot and still struggling with it as well.
I have read over on the Mid-Life Crisis forum often as there are some women in the same situations as us. It helped me to read their posts and the responses people gave them. Their post names are Tina825, LoisB and wishing, hoping. Maybe that will help you some, until some wiser vet here can post some advice.
Thanks so much! Off to read.
H moved out, but he still sees the kids almost every day. H comes over early a few morning to watch the kids so that I can head to work early (like I have always done) and then he takes the kids to school. He sees them every Wednesday and Friday night without me and then usually on Monday for baseball practice and then we sometimes do family stuff on the weekend. We have dinner together as a family as well(never just the two of us).
You haven't been S'd long, I suspect the above is going to change with time. In my case W continued doing "family stuff" with us for a while and having lunches and dinners with us, but that slowly tapered off until she quit completely. Now she does stuff with the kids and I do, but never together.
Our times together as a family are awesome. We have so much fun together and our conversations are great.
Ours were too, but it didn't change anything for her. I think things like this give LBS's false hope, we tend to underestimate just how "done" the WAS is.
H makes sure to mention that we are only getting along because the kids are "buffers" which is frustrating. I believe that he says it to continue to justify OW.
I think he says it because he believes it. He thinks the extent of your R now is coparenting. And he will think that for quite some time, probably until OW is out of the picture.
I have been ok with this set up because it was giving us some time to connect in a good way and it allowed the kids to see H since they have no idea what H moved out.
And that's fine as long as you don't have expectations that it'll fix things anytime soon. It's like the DB coaches say, you're showing him what he'll be missing some day.
Hi, 3boyzmom!
Boy, is your sitch striking a chord with me - a lot of similarities. In my case, though H's affair only lasted a few weeks, but he is in that same "I don't know what/who I want" area. It's a tough situation to be in, and I strive to handle things as well as you. I think you are doing a great job! Keep it up - one day at a time!
I had an interesting conversation with H this week. It was the first "real" conversation we have had in months.
I have been avoiding conversations about R and the future the past couple of weeks and was doing a great job. But I knew that we were going to need to have a conversation because of an opportunity that my husband had been presented with at work.
We were talking on the phone about logistics with the kids and he brought up the investment opportunity. H had previously said that it was not a viable options (which I knew was not true) or always had another excuse. I told him since the beginning that I thought it was a great opportunity and I will fully supportive, even about BD. This conversation was different. He admitted that he wanted to do it. He also admitted that he was frustrated because he felt like he had worked hard for the opportunity and I was only out for his money.
For the first time ever, I was not defensive and validated his concerns. I said that I could understand that given our situation. I then asked why he specifically felt that way. He said that I told him months ago that since he ruined my life and our family I would ruin his life and if he took the kids I would just quit so I could see them. When he was finished talking, I validated again (small victories). I then reminded him that I made the comment on the same day that I confirmed his affair, the worst day of my entire life. I told him that I understood why he had felt concerned but asked him to look at the type of person I have been for 15 years (I seriously hate conflict and have never intentionally hurt anyone). I apologize for the statement that I made out of anger and pure grief, and reminded him that by actions since BD have been the complete opposite and that I can done nothing to seed revenge or ruin his life. I told him that no matter what happens, I have no intention of hurting him despite what has happened over the past year. I told him that I did not care about the money and that I had only hoped that he would include me in the discussion about the opportunity as a courtesy and not just go behind my back. I also explained that if I ask questions about finances, it is not because I am trying to secure money but simply because he was always in charge of our finances. He apologized for his frustration and for pushing me away. He said that he knew in his heart that I am not that kind of person and said that he was sorry for basing his opinion on a comment I made when I was in shock and so much pain.
Accomplishment No. 1 - I think that I opened the cage and he now knows that he is free to leave if he wants. This conversation could have potentially given him the green light to leave, but now I know that we hopefully wont be in limbo forever based on his fear of revenge, etc. For some reason, it feels freeing to know that.
We continued our conversation after we determined to move forward with the investment opportunity. We got onto the subject of the issues that he had with me during our marriage the past couple years. I have done a lot of soul searching and spent weeks/months focusing on me. I had been toying with the idea of writing a letter to H apologizing but I was waiting for the write opportunity. For some reason, it felt like this conversation was the perfect opportunity. I started by telling H that I was sorry for the current situation we were in. I told him that I was so busy demanding that he apologize to me for his actions that I never apologized for my part in the downfall of our marriage. I went through everything that I was sorry for without giving any justifications. I apologized for not appreciating his hard work. I apologized for not fully loving our family and my life (I complained about my job, wanted more kids, longed to have a baby girl). With tears in my eyes, I said how could I expect H to love me and our family when I did not appreciate and love with all of my heart). I told him that at the time I had reasons for each of these things, but in the end it did not matter. I knew that it was wrong, it hurt our friendship and marriage and I was truly sorry from the bottom of my heart.
My H listened as I talked and I could tell that he was crying. My H has not cried since the day that he moved out. H has showed no emotion since other than frustration and anger.
When I was finished, H said that if I could not tell he was crying. He thanked me for the apology and said that he could already see how different I am and how much happier I seem. He said that this was a really good conversation. We said goodnight and our conversation ended.
I am not sure if this would have been recommended by DB, but I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I apologized from the bottom of my heart, but no expectations that my apology would change my situation. I knew that when I saw H the following morning, it would be back to business as usual. But I was ok with it. I have come so far since July. I know that if our marriage does not work, I will be ok because I am a much stronger and happier person. I know that I cannot depend on others for my own happiness.
I am trying not to mind read what is going on with H. I know that H has been focusing on me during his IC. I hope that his gives him the nudge to start focusing on his own journey. Our interactions have improved since Tuesday night and there seems to be a little less tension in the air between us. I will take what I can get
I had been thinking about this apology for months
H was at a work event with OW and they were drinking (H left me on his work automatic emails so I kept getting the evite and reminders even though I knew I was not welcome). I had responded that I had a work event so could not attend (which was true and I just wanted to stop getting the reminders that I had not replied). A definite improvement for me since I previously would have told H that I was upset by the situation. I did a pretty good job of keeping busy and not thinking about it. But man does this situation suck. It is tiring working to be a better person and standing for my marriage.
Hi 3,
I think your apology was beautiful. You did not apologize for your actions, but the actual HURT you caused and that is a very powerful thing.
As far is it not being db'ing, you have to gauge the timing of when things are appropriate and I think you did this at the very time it was needed. I think you handled all the conversations remarkably well. I am impressed.
Now, let your H sit on it, as he probably needs to absorb what you have said. Keep doing the great things you are doing for yourself. Your happiness is showing!
Thanks Pudmuddle. I was hoping that the timing was ok because I knew in my heart that I could apologize without expecting my apology to miraculously fix our situation. That would not have been the case a few months ago.
I am finally off of moderation and can start posting in real time!!
My life sunk to a new low today. I finally called and made an appointment with my doctor for a physical and std test. I kept putting it off because H has sworn up and down he has not slept with OW. I have wanted to believe him but I know I can't. I need to take care of myself especially because I know that OW's H has slept with prostitutes in the past (lovely I know).
Today I HATE H. I hate that I can't believe him. I hate that he had but me in this position and I am embarrassed beyond belief. I hate that he could care less about the destruction he has caused.
Now that I am done ranting I am off to play with my kiddos before heading to dinner and a movie with my girlfriend.
On my way out the door, H told me that I looked really nice. I don't remember the last time he said that to me. Gives me strength to keep plugging away.
Awesome! Yes small positives!
3, I just started following your thread. I'm a soon to be mom of two boys and am in my early 30s. H also has OW from work. Thankfully that OW is still in Afghanistan (I think).
Anyway, I just wanted to commend you for not telling everyone about what H is doing. I told EVERYONE. Even my neighbors dog knows. I wanted everyone to know to shame him. You are way more mature than I have been.
Hi Preggo. It is comforting to know others understand by situation but heartbreaking to know the paid everyone is going through. He's affair started when I was pregnant (in fact he left me in the hospital alone for six hours the day after S1 was born to hang out with OW and coworkers at a bar). It still makes me so angry that what should have been the happiest time in my life was ruined by H.
Does anyone's mention OW or OM in conversation like it is no big deal. H has told me two stupid stories about OW and her kids. He just works it into normal conversation. Why does he do this? To remind me of the affair? Because he still clearly does not understand what he is actually doing with her (he still claims that they are just friends). Is this normal for a WAS in affair. I did not argue with him about it. Just not sure what I should do or to just do nothing if he keeps doing it. We are pretty amicable at the moment so I am trying pick by battles carefully if not at all.
Some days are so frustrating and I just keep trying to remind myself that this is a marathon not a sprint. I am really working hard on myself. I have come so far and feel myself detaching a bit. But sometimes I just wonder if I am living in denial. I try and not think about the A which makes me feel less crazybut am i really just allowing H to disrespect me. His life looks so perfect right now...good job, OW, gets to see the kids whenever he wants for theost part (we are super busy and I never cancel plans for him but he still gets great quality time which I want for the kids), I am friendly. Why would he ever come back? I hate these hard days when it seems like a happy marriage is so out of reach. I keep trying to remind myselfthat we both have come a long way the past couple of weeks and there have been positive things along the way. Just needed to vent so I could have I smile on my face when H brings the kids home.
3boyz-
You are so very early in this. If you read all threads, to a T, we have all felt like this. It is normal.
When we decide to stand (and stop standing, another story), we define our deal breakers, our boundaries and what we will accept. Sometimes these change, sometimes they don't, but they are ours to do with what we must.
If you honestly feel like a doormat, then the time has come to change something. But if the comment is out of frustration and out of what the societal expectations of your behaviour should be, then you have to think a bit more, Go a bit deeper.
Everytime I thought "Aha!! I got it, look it me?" Bam! Something else happened that caused me to look a little harder at myself and what I was feeling.
You still got a lot of anger going on and you are turning it into frustration and despair. What is your anger really?
And it's valid. So post away
Thanks Kate! It is so helpful to have someone remind me that my work is just beginning and that I need to continue to dig deeper. Sometimes I just need to write out the frustration to get it out, take a deep breath and move on.
3, kate is right.
We want so much for this to be over and done, but it never will be. Even when we get to a better place we will still have to remind ourselves constantly of the things we learned.
Hence, what Pud did NOT do, and that is why Pud is back here.
Remind yourself when things get low, that it is ok to feel that way, after all we are cycling through emotions too. But the next time will be better. Because your end goal is, that you want it to be.
Hang tight!
After a good nights sleep, I feel better this morning. I realized that my frustration is coming from an internal battle within myself, not really from anything that my H is doing or not doing. Since it is an internal struggle, it is something that I can control!!
I have been struggling with the fact that I continue to be helpful and accommodating to H. I have been questioning whether or not I should continue to act in this manner. For example, H was at my house on Sunday. He decided not to stay for dinner because he needed to leave and get some work done. I had made a big batch of chili so I packed some up for him to take with him. He also called me to asked for help in getting a car seat for his car for one of the boys. H mentioned that I was really good at this type of stuff, so he was hoping I could help. I have been beating myself up over whether or not I should be doing this type of stuff or whether I should stop and do a complete 180.
I realized this morning that I need to do the 180s for myself, not because it may or may not affect H. I love the fact that I am a kind person, who thinks of others and tries to help when I know that I can help in a situation, even if it is H who I am helping. I don't want my sitch to change that about me. So I am going to stop beating myself up and stop worrying about whether I need to change something about myself that I don't want to change.
I don't need to become a completely different person, just a better version of myself. So here is my list of things that I want to work on and improve:
1. Be a better friend (reach out to my girlfriends more often just to say hi; set up a ladies night w/o kids with my best friends at least every other month)
2. Find new hobbies/interests (signed up for yoga; started listening to books on tape during my commute; want to start running and sign up for Thanksgiving Turkey Trot in my neighborhood to run with the kids)
3. Setting better boundaries with my mom (my mom watches our kids when I work and she has become too involved in our family life; I need to work on setting better boundaries because it has bothered H immensely and honestly it is starting to bother me - Here are my small goals - talk on the phone less often (books on tape is helping that goal); share less information about kids/family situation; not ask for help from parents as often with the kids)
4. Take better care of myself (exercise at least three times per week; get to bed by 10 pm each weeknight)
5. Spend quality time with the kids (plan one really fun activity each weekend; wait until the kids are asleep to worrying about cleaning, etc; use my nights without the kids to run errands so that my time with the kids is truly dedicated to them).
6. Make plans in advance for myself and with the kids; Dont wait for H to figure out what he is doing/not doing; H can always work around our schedule; if we don't have plans, it is ok to be accommodating to H.
7. Don't be so close minded about trying new things/things that are outside of my comfort zone
8. Work on detaching
These are the things that I want to change. I am going to stop worrying about changing the things that I like about myself for the sake of doing a 180. At the end of the day, I need to be happy with myself.
The majority of my anger is related to the affair. I am just going to have to fake it until I can make it through those emotions. I know that it is going to take me a long time to get past the pain and betrayal. So in the meantime, I will try not to obsess over it and try to focus on myself.
Thanks for all the advice and support.
After a good nights sleep, I feel better this morning. I realized that my frustration is coming from an internal battle within myself, not really from anything that my H is doing or not doing. Since it is an internal struggle, it is something that I can control!!
You are growing girl! This is so awesome when you get to this point. You are getting it now, it's all about you!
I have been struggling with the fact that I continue to be helpful and accommodating to H. I have been questioning whether or not I should continue to act in this manner. For example, H was at my house on Sunday. He decided not to stay for dinner because he needed to leave and get some work done. I had made a big batch of chili so I packed some up for him to take with him. He also called me to asked for help in getting a car seat for his car for one of the boys. H mentioned that I was really good at this type of stuff, so he was hoping I could help. I have been beating myself up over whether or not I should be doing this type of stuff or whether I should stop and do a complete 180.
I struggled with this too for quite awhile. I came to this realization a few weeks ago and I now do these things because I WANT TO. Detaching from your H's emotions is very hard, because you only want to help them and make them happy. But right now we simply cannot and they don't want our help. We can only make ourselves happy.
I don't need to become a completely different person, just a better version of myself. So here is my list of things that I want to work on and improve:
AWESOME! Yes!!
The majority of my anger is related to the affair. I am just going to have to fake it until I can make it through those emotions. I know that it is going to take me a long time to get past the pain and betrayal. So in the meantime, I will try not to obsess over it and try to focus on myself.
Thanks for all the advice and support.
Yes, the A stinks. But it won't last because your H is still same and has the same issues. Those will eventually spill over into his new life. Don't let them control your headspace, it gives them more power.
You are doing so well! I am proud of you for coming to these realizations. It feels good, doesn't it???!!
Two positives from today:
1. I signed up for the 5k Turkey Trot run in our neighborhood on Thanksgiving. I have wanted to start this tradition for years but never did because H always played football with his guy friends. Even though the rest of the day is up in the air (and I am dreading having to make plans so I am putting if off for as long as possible), the kids and I will be enjoying the run. We will start a new tradition. I figured it will be a big accomplishment to finish since i have not run a 5k since college and I only ran it to get extra credit in a class. I will be on an adrenaline high which should get me through the rest of the day. Plus I can eat as much as I want without feeling guilty after running.
2. I changed my Facebook settings so that H's posts no longer show on my news feed. After H went to a convention in September that OW also attended, OW started liking and commenting on his posts. She had never done it before (and we have known her and her family for ten years now). It is clear something has changed with them. It is something silly but this is one of the first things I have done to cut our connection a little. H does not know, but I do and I am OK with it. I was spending way too much time checking to see if she would comment, etc. I need to focus my time and energy on something else. Baby steps towards a new future ...whatever it may hold.
3,
What a great and healthy tradition to start for your kids! I'm signing up for our turkey trot too.
I despise FB. I think it only feeds people's insecurities. That and people can really take a lot of liberty with what they post. Ick. Good for you for blocking it out. It will only make you crazy to read what people are doing with whom and what. You give them the control if you allow their stupidity to creep into your mind.
You sound much better today 3!
How are you today 3boyzmom?
Thinking about you!
Well said, pud!!! Facebook is also getting in my nerves and I need a sabbatical from it. It's way too damaging, especially in times like these we are going through.
Hi Pud and Preggo. I am doing really well. H has been away on a business trip the past couple days and it has really put things into perspective. When H is around, we see each other constantly due to the kids and things seem normal like they did before the BD. It is hard to determine where things stand. Since H left on the trip, he has not contacted me or asked to talk to the kids. It has been helpful for me to see that H is really gone and may never come back to me.
During my last coaching session, my coach said that I was about to move into the next phase. I am not sure what it looks like (need to set up my next session), but I think that I am there. I have gotten my emotions under control and have done a bunch of 180s and GAL.
I know that I need to focus on detaching. I finally realize that I need to let him go and let our old M go. It ended a long time ago and I cant keep holding onto a broken marriage and a husband that I have lost respect for due to the A.
I need to protect my heart because H is incapable and unwilling to do so. Despite everything that H has done, I will love him until the day that I die. But I really need to put that love in a little box and close it tight. It will be there if we are ever able to find our way back to each other. I cant keep loving him as a husband and best friend and get nothing in return.
So now the hard part is trying to figure out how to let go...how to let go of my best friend, my husband, and someone I built a life with for 15 years. I KNOW that I am strong enough to do this.
I feel like this realization is a big first step. For the past couple of months, I have been clinging onto every positive word or action and clinging onto the idea of our family and marriage. I am definitely not giving up and going to continue to DB but I dont want to live like that anymore.
I am slowly coming to terms with my new reality. I have actually surprised myself! Work is going well. The kids are doing great and I am spending more quality time with them. I am enjoying alone time which I have not done for years. I am spending quality time with my friends. H has done a complete 180 in terms of the kids and helping to relieve some of my stress and workload. For two years, he did nothing but work. A couple of weeks ago everything changed. He spends quality time with the kids and helps out a ton around the house.
If only we both could have realized this two years ago before we headed down this crappy path. I know that I cannot continue to grow until I start letting go of H. If anyone has any recommendations on detaching (especially when you have to see H everyday), I would love to hear them.
I really wish that I could go a month without seeing H. I feel so much stronger when I don't see him. The minute he walked back in the door after his business trip, my heart melted and all I wanted to do was hug him. Of course I restrained myself and went about like business as usual. But man, I totally love him and miss him. He has worked so hard on improving his interactions and relationship with the kids. I find myself thinking "will it ever be my turn." I know that the answer is that I may never get a turn.
The good thing is that I was able to process these feelings without spinning out of control like I would have done a few weeks ago. I just need to keep focusing on the baby steps. Another week of positive interactions even if it was just as co-parents.
I made sure to have a jam packed weekend with lots of fun activities. Hopefully it will be a nice start to another positive week.
AMAZING PMA 3! Wow, I'm impressed. I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to hug my H too.
You held it together well. Lots of activities with kids = Good Stuff. I hope your weekend is awesome.
If anyone has any recommendations on detaching (especially when you have to see H everyday), I would love to hear them.
I still sleep in the same bed as my WAW, so I see her quite often. While I haven't fully detatched yet, I do find it helpful to post my mistakes here. The people here are so awesome with their advice, and I think I handle situations much better the second time around. Ok, sometimes it takes 3 or 4 times.
Thanks Pud and Woody! I am trying to take it one day at a time and learn from my mistakes.
I went to the mall tonight with my mom. We always used to go shopping together before I was married and had kids. It was nice to spend time with her.
H always has the kids alone on Friday nights. He called on his way from work and asked if I wanted to join them or if he should just bring in dinner for everyone. Since I already made plans, I told him my plans and did not cancel like I would have been tempted to do in the past. I will admit that it was nice that he asked.
H stayed until the kids went to bed. I usually walk H to straight to the door so I can lock up for the night. We normally chat about logistics with the kids quickly and then say goodnight. He is usually out the door and standing by his car while I talk from inside the house. Same thing happened tonight but as I was about to close the door he asked how my night was and if I found anything for myself at the mall. We chatted for a minute or two which was nice. I said goodnight and shut the door. He was still standing close to the door and it felt like he was lingering more than usual.
I am hopeful that my positive attitude the past few weeks is helping H not want to run for the hills (as H put it a few months ago when I was a sobbing mess).
I was invited out last night with a few girls who are seperated from their husbands. They were dressing up for Halloween and heading out to dance. I decided to go at the last minute. I did not wear my rings for the first time (felt so weird).
I did not drink and just had fun dancing with the girls. It was nice to hear that guys think that I am attractive though I nicely turned down their request s to dance and just hung out with the girls. I had a fun night and was so proud of myself for having the courage to do something that I normally would not gave done.
Yet I wound up sobbing the entire way home. My H had always begged me to do stuff like this ... to get dressed up and head out for a few hours. I always said no. Why? Why couldn't I have said yes? I would have had a great time with H and maybe out M wouldn't be over. I was just so mad at myself for being so stubborn all these years. A good lesson I needed to leave in my journey towards self improvement.
I also learned that I am not interested in other guys at all. It made me miss H even more. I know I will not be heading to bars ever in search of a new husband.
H asked if I was going out and I told him I was. His tone immediately changed and he asked who I was going with. I could tell that I bothered him which I guess is somewhat night since he previously felt nothing at all about me. It is funny to see his reaction given what he has gone the past year. I did not really want to tell him (but did not want to lie when he asked me directly) because he was also going out and I did not want him to do something with another girl out of jealousy. But it was good for him too see that I am Gal.
Fun/sad night with lots of lessons learned.
Sorry for the typos. I am writing on my phone.
I totally forgot to mention something that my H did. He has at our house when the kids and I left last night to go to an event. H must have stayed at the house for a while before he went out for the night because he cleaned the entire house. He even put away laundry. H has never ever put away laundry in the 15 years i have known him. I actually sent H an email in the middle of the night because I was so greatful and just wanted to let him know (I was not really good at thanking him before).
This is going to sound stupid but it made me happy ... h was cleaning the boys faces after lunch yesterday and was joking with them. He walked past me yo throw it out and grabbed my face and wiped my mouth while joking with the kids about mommy getting clean to. First time in a long time that he joked around with me. We were all laughing and just having fun. No drama.
Nice 3!
I think you are seeing some very positives signs from you H. Asking who you were going out with and feeling comfortable enough clean the entire house! Those are big positives if you ask me.
He is starting to notice you living a life without him and he is pursuing you now. Take it slowly, there will be lots of push and pull like this.
You are doing so nicely and I feel like everything you post is exactly in my head too. Keep it up girl!
We had a good day yesterday. H sent a text in the morning to say that he would watch the boys while I took S4 to a birthday party. He got to the house in the morning and wound up staying until after the kids went to sleep for the night. We had lunch as a family and watched some football. I ran some errands while he stayed with the kids. He did some work and watch a game by himself in the basement while I hung out with the kids upstairs. I would have really liked to hang out together, but I wanted to give him some space and not feel pressured. I just enjoyed the feeling of having him in our home. Neither of us asked about our night out the prior evening.
H previously said that he did not feel comfortable coming over to even watch tv for fear that I would want to talk about the M. I can see that my hard work over the past month is having an effect on him. He is softening a little and I can see him peaking out a tiny bit from behind the wall he built. He is still firmly behind the wall, but there is a tiny glimmer of hope that did not exist a few months ago.
H continued to joke around with me a little. We were cleaning the basement up after the kids went to bed and he was trying to hit me with one of the kids' balls. He used to do this all the time. He would wrestle, tickle me. It used to drive me crazy. I vividly remember him telling me that I would regret it if he stopped doing those things one day. And I totally regret it.
I am in the middle of reading the 5 Love Languages. I am pretty sure that H's love language is touch. And he used to express his love for me via touch. I never appreciated it because I know that my primary love language is not touch. Well, I can tell you that H can jokingly hit balls at me or tickle me and I will soak up every second. I am not sure how much to reciprocate, but I am just going to take it slow.
I know that his IC told him that he needed to start using some muscles that he has not used in a while to see if he loves me. He previously told me that he did not know if he even wanted to try or if he even knew how to find those old muscles. H was been so careful to not cross the line that he drew in the sand months ago. He has gone out of his way to make sure that he was not leading me on and that we only interacted in a very business like manner. But this feels different.
I am going to keep moving forward with my journey and hope that it continues to improve our relationship, whatever it may be.
Hi 3, it really does sound like he is softening to you. You have done well in your efforts to soften the environment.
Look for the glimmers, that's what I look for too. It's hard to give when to someone when they are not giving back, but to get love you must give love, not expect it. I really think you are doing well! Keep up the good vibes.
Thinking about you today, Pud
Hey 3BM- I don't believe I've commented to you before or even read your whole thread but your name jumped out at me cause I have 3 boys as well.
From your last couple posts it seems like you have the majority of your focus on your H and how what he says or does affects you, both in a good and bad way.
As long as that is the case your going to feel like a puppet going back and forth depending on what your H does or doesn't do or what type of mood he is in or what type of sandwich he ate for lunch.
I've been there, detachment is quite difficult. Breaking co-dependency dynamics is also quite difficult.
Its a long road and a gradual process.
Its ok to enjoy the good times when he is around if you'd like and its also ok to grieve or be sad.
However, I think you need to be the one creating whatever emotions you would like to create instead of your H having so much influence over them.
Easier said than done.
What's up w/ your GAL?
Hi Sayitaintso - Thanks for stopping by my thread and for commenting. I definitely need to work more on detaching. I feel like a completely different person than I was a few months ago. I am no where close to being detached, but slowly getting there.
I have been focusing the majority of my attention on GAL - joined a new yoga class, started running, joined two new meet up groups (have gone to three events in the past couple weeks), planned weekend events w and w/o kids for the next two months. I had previously waited on my H to decide what to do each weekend before the S. No more waiting for me.
Thanks for the advice. It is nice to have a reminder that I need to stay focused on myself and forget about H's actions.
Great GAL work 3
Need some advice! I know that H is never going to remove OW from his life. She is so involved in his business, which he lovs, that I don't ever see him removing her completely from his life even if he decided he wanted yo work on our marriage. The site of her or mention of her name makes me sick.
I don't want a divorce. But I don't want to be with a man that would keep ow in our lives despite the fact that he knows how much pain it causes me. Am I just wasting my time?
I know the answer is that this process is not about him it is about me. I have to detach and learn who I am and what I want to change. I have come so far in understanding my part in the demise of our marriage and feel like a completely different and happy person. I am having a hard time dealing with the A.
H is a low maintenance WAS so he is completely content sitting on the fence and enjoying both lives. I have seen so many positives in myself this past few months. I am ready to not have OW in my life and I don't know how yo do that unless I get a d. I hate that so many of us are in this switch.
Any advice?
Hmmm...I don't know if I have any great advice, so I thought I'd comment to see if any vets can respond.
But the other thing is you can never KNOW that he is not going to remove her from his life. He is just appearing content now. It's part of his fantasy life, even if he is working with her. At some point, there will surely be a blow-up about something, they cannot be content all the time, this is only a honeymoon phase.
Sorry 3, I know the A part of this is the really s*cky part.
But the other thing is you can never KNOW that he is not going to remove her from his life.
That's right. If and when a WAS decides to return to the LBS, they often go "all in". They tell the LBS they'll do anything to regain their trust, and often that involves removing an OP from their life. I've even read stories of WAS's changing jobs to get away from OP's. So it's true that you don't know what the future holds.
That said, 3BM, your sitch is still VERY young. You shouldn't expect to see any improvement from your H yet. I think you're being impatient wanting to force something regarding OW right now. There may be a time for that much later, but right now any pressure on your H is going to accelerate D.
Thanks Pud and AS! I was having a bad morning. After I wrote it down and got my emotions out, I felt better. Your responses help even more
I know that this is a long journey and I am just at the beginning. While it has been over a year since things really went down hill, it has only been one month (to the day actually) since I really started DB. One month ago, H and I could not be in the same room. Many things have changed for the better.
Thank you for pointing out that I should not assume that H will keep her in our lives if he ever does come around. I guess that I really should not rely upon anything that H says, regarding me or OW.
Totally backslide tonight in front of H. Someone stole the kids pumpkin last night. H went with OW to get a new pumpkin for kids. He claimed he needed a ride and that is why he called her. Yet he did not call me to get the pumpkin but could call me when he needed me to pick him up to go trick or treating with the kids. For some reason i could not hold back the tears. Dont ask me why this got to me when other worse stuff i was able to handle better. Ughh this is so hard. I guess I felt used. He is playing me and I am letting it happen.
You have to stand up for yourself. Start getting your ducks in a row…finances, copies of statements/income. Don't get caught off guard. In the meantime try to focus on you and the kids. Trust me I know this is damn hard but you must do it.
Yes…he is playing you.
Thanks luvless! I really need some 2 x 4s to get me moving forward on a good path for myself.
3, sometimes it is the little things that hit you because they used to have more meaning and now it is different.
This is so hard, so very hard. Remember to take care of you and cry if you need to.
You can do this. Keep going one minute, hour, day at a time.
I know what you are going through I'm going through the same thing to my H OW is also an alcoholic too from what I hear. Your story is my story I need to do what you are doing I'm still having a really hard time letting go. But after what I just saw on FB its time for me to move on and stop holding on to hope.
Pud - Thank you so much. Your posts always lift me up and give me strength to keep moving forward.
kelela - I am so sorry that you are in a similar position. Letting go is so hard.
I have been avoiding the holidays but need to start a discussion with H about plans. I want to be proactive so that H does not wait until last minute and push me into something I am not comfortable with. So I need a plan in advance and need help.
We used to split Thanksgiving between his family and my family. H initially said things would not change this year. Then H said he dors kot want to go to my family. Our extended family does not know about separation so what we decide could force us to tell everyone and honestly am not sure if I want that.
H knows that I am not willing to split the kids for the holidays. Not sure I believe that he won't pull that card if I don't agree with exactly what he wnts. How much do I push the issue? Do I tell H that if he does not want to do both families than I will just do Thanksgiving at my house and H can come if he wants? Do I go yo his family and then go to mine without him?
My thought is...
What do YOU want to do? What would the kids want to do? YOU decide want 3 wants and then do it. Tell H what the plans are and he can choose to do it with you or not. Do what makes
you the happiest for the holidays.
It is so hard for me because I am always trying to make everyone else happy. I hate conflict. I am getting better at taking care of my needs. I still struggle with being assertive. I need to work on it because that would be a huge 180 for me.
It has been over a month since I started coming here. My first goal was to stop pleading, begging and crying and to simply pick myself off the floor and start moving forward. My reward to myself, if I could make this change for 30 days, was a trip to the spa for a relaxing massage.
Yesterday, I had my massage. It was the best one that I ever had, not only because it really was awesome, but because I earned every bit of it this past month. I spent my quiet time thinking back over the past few weeks. I only had one major backslide. But even that backslide showed me that things were different. Instead of H running away at the sight of my tears or getting very angry/mean, he stayed, we talked, he even cried and opened up. H is still very confused, but he is not filled with anger and resentment. I listened and validated. I did not yell or attack his character. We have stopped the horrible cycle that we were in for the past couple of years.
I thought about the next 30 days of this very long journey. It is now time for me to really start the difficult DB. I need to get off H's roller coaster. H may be confused, but I am not confused about what I want with my life and who I want to be. I have been so scared to let go, but I know that clinging to our old marriage and H will not get us anywhere.
During our conversation last week, H talked a lot about his IC. I can tell that he spends the majority of his time with his IC discussing me and my journey. I know that until H starts to focus on himself and really ask himself what he wants, he is going to remain confused and unable to make a decision. He will stay on the fence.
So I really need to take the next step in this journey. Although I would like to convince myself otherwise, I have not detached and have been clinging to the hope that H would come running back. It is just not going to happen, especially if I dont let go.
I am talking with my DB Coach today and cant wait to come up with a new list of goals. I am excited to see where I could be in thirty more days
3, I love your post today! I'm glad you enjoyed your massage! DBing really can/does make a difference, doesn't it? I am several months behind you in this journey, but in the same place where I am still clinging to hope that he will come running back. How does one willingly detach? Does it just happen on its own as you GAL? Or do you actually have to try?
I don't know who your coach is, but mine is awesome with coming up with a short term plan. It sure does help to have the next few weeks laid out for me. I like your idea of rewarding yourself at the end of 30 days. I'm not sure what the reward would be, though. A massage sounds great, but right now I think I'd either end up crying or sleeping through it.
Did you go back and read your post? You are doing great!!
You sound so GOOD 3!
You have really caught on to the principles here, way to go!
I'm so glad you are doing better this week. (Me too!) Very nice to treat yourself to something special. Awesome for the soul.
I had a good coaching session yesterday. It is so nice to be able to talk with someone over the phone. I really wish that I could find a local IC that really understood DBing.
I have been struggling with how accommodating/available I should be with H and with him coming over to the house. I have been GALing, so it was not about him thinking that I am sitting at home waiting for him, but more about him getting to live both lives (A and family). The past two days, H called on his way home. H asked what we were doing. I gave a quick run down about the kids. H kept talking in circles, but I knew that he wanted me to ask him to join us. It was so obvious but I did not ask. After 5 minutes both times, he finally asked to come over for dinner and to stay until the kids went to bed.
My DB coach said that it was good for H to hear himself asks these questions and realize that maybe he does want to be part of our family life (which includes me). She said not to cancel plans that we have already made, but if I feel comfortable, to let him ask and then let him come and enjoy a stress free evening. It was nice to have positive feedback and suggestions from my coach.
I am starting to feel less of an urge to want to know information about H's activities (I will ask about work stuff, but not about going out info, etc) and less of an urge to stalk his FB page. I am sure this urge will go up and down, but it is nice to feel it come down a little for the first time in a year.
One day at a time...
3, I would say what you are doing is working. Talk only about the kids and make your plans without H in mind. Then if he wants to go he can, but let him ask. I think it's good for him to miss you all!
Agreed, it is so nice to not think constantly about where they are, what they are doing. Yes, it comes in waves but seems to get easier. Keep doin' what you're doin', I say!
From what I observe it really seems to be working for you.
I am in desperate need of advice. Any advice and 2x4s welcome.
Quick update: I had a conversation with H tonight about the holidays that led to a convo about marriage. I should not have let it go there but I did. It was bad. I tried to validate and stay strong but I broke down. For the first time I truly truly understand that H is done. He is gone and feels nothing for me. OW taught him that he needed something different in his life. He has not grown at all. H said he wants the best if both worlds. He wants time with the kids and family time with kids and me and wants to be single and continue his A. His says that our family time is the only thing he and I have left. Without it we will have nothing. H thinks that if we get divorced, we will still have family nights and he will just tell his new girlfriend or wife that she has to be OK with that.
Help: Should I change our current arrangements? I feel like H is cake eating and I am allowing is out of fear and desperation to save the M. The kids sleep at my house every night. H takes the kids on Wednesdays and Fridays alone. We hang out as a family on the weekends and have dinner together at least once on the weekend. During the work week, H will also come in the mornings 3 times a week to watch the kids while I work and will eat dinner two nights and we put the kids to bed together. H will take showers at the house, lay in our bed, and still act like it is his house. He will ask me to pick up things for him at the store if I am going. I am a people pleaser so I have a hard time saying no. Especially because it makes me feel needed by him.
I feel like I have two options:
1. Change the arrangments so that we are really separated. Have a set time with the kids. H cannot use our house like he still lives here. Have limited family time. This will allow me to detach much more easily. It will give a more realistic view of what life after divorce would look like. But it would give us limited time together to build communication. It will also make H angry because he would no longer get the best of both worlds.
2: leave things the same. H would continue to get the best of both worlds. We would get time together to work on communication. It will be much harder to try and detach. I will have to work extra hard on dealing with my feelings of bring a doormat.
Or is there some other option that I can't see? Please help me. I feel like we are at a big crossroad and I don't know what to do.
Hi 3, yes, I can see how this feels like a big crossroad . . . but it might not be. You should listen to the vets who I am sure will give you great advice, but I'll throw in my two cents anyway.
What do YOU want to do? Are you done? Or do you want to keep DBing? I had a situation that I thought was a big turning point but after talking with my DB coach, I realized it wasn't - it was just another part of the WAS script and a chance for me to keep up my DBing. You have to do what you feel is right. And, don't forget that you don't have to decide right this minute what to do. My theory on DBing is that I'll keep it up unless and until the point where I feel like it's hurting me too much and I don't feel right about it anymore. It's a decision that is different for each person.
I'm sorry you had such a crappy conversation . . . but you are strong and will get through this no matter how things pan out. Hang in there, 3!!!
P.S. No woman with any shred of self esteem is going to date or marry your H when he is at your house 5 times a week, whether you are D or not. Your H is delusional if he thinks that's actually going to happen.
3BM,
IMHO
Go with the first one! – for your own sake and for the chance of R.
He is cake-eating BIG time and you let him. He is having the best from two worlds – why would he want to change that?
Be kind but firm and tell him that it doesn’t work like this. Tell him that you want to work the M but as long as he is having OW you can’t do this. Toughen up but be kind and gentle when you tell him.
Tell him you can still have a familydinner once in a while for the sake of the boys, that he is always welcome to call them or have them over but that playing family doesn’t work unless you are a family. Make the arrangement so you do NOT have to see him but that you can choose to see him.
3BM – you properly know the drill from reading other sits – take care of you by letting him taking care of him. Stop the cake-eating!
Prepare for him to get angry but do stand your ground if this happens. Talk to him kindly and soft when you tell him. Stick to few words and argue from your feeling. If he ask why then don’t argue – just say “Because thats what I feel will be best for the boys and me!”
Just my 2c – hopefully the VETs will join in.
F
Mel and F - Thank you so much for your advice. Just to be clear, I do still want to continue to DB. I am in this journey for the long haul. I will continue DBing because I KNOW that DBing is about changing myself and that it is the only thing that has helped me climb back out of the hole that I sank into after BD.
My H does appear to be delusional. His IC told him straight up that he had lost his mind and that neither myself or another woman would agree to a situation where he continues to be part of our family and a new family in the way that he is picturing. H said that his IC calls him a "boy child." He is living in a fantasy land that I no longer want to be apart of.
I want to be firm, yet kind and understanding. H has always walked all over me, so this will be a big 180 for me.
I would appreciate all the advice I can get!! Thanks
3, can you talk with a DB coach? I feel like that might be really helpful.
It sounds to me like your H has a lot of work to do - it is great that he is in IC, and hopefully he will decide to actually dig deeper and it will help him. But there is nothing you can do about that. So, I think you need to decide what is right for you. It is a strong stance to say "no more." Will it make you feel strong and help you detach? Do you think that you can keep it up? You know you can't draw a boundary and then not enforce it . . . are you prepared for that?
It sounds to me like you have already made your decision . . . you want H to stop letting H walk all over you. If you continue to let him, he won't respect you, and more importantly, YOU won't respect you.
Oops, I meant you want to stop H from walking all over you. I have no idea what my sentence up there meant . . . LOL.
For the first time I truly truly understand that H is done. He is gone and feels nothing for me.
This is how he feels RIGHT NOW. That could change tomorrow, or next week, or in a year. It happens all the time. Every reconciled M on these forums had a point where the WAS insisted they were 100% done and there was a 0% chance they would change their mind.
H said he wants the best if both worlds. He wants time with the kids and family time with kids and me and wants to be single and continue his A. His says that our family time is the only thing he and I have left. Without it we will have nothing. H thinks that if we get divorced, we will still have family nights and he will just tell his new girlfriend or wife that she has to be OK with that.
Personally I feel you have to make it clear to him that what he is proposing is not an option. It is not acceptable to you. You are no longer a family and the idea of having "family nights" is preposterous.
We hang out as a family on the weekends and have dinner together at least once on the weekend.
OK, well there are two schools of thought here. One is that you should keep doing it because it's an opportunity to show him what he will miss after D. The other is to stop it, because as long as you keep doing it he'll never learn to miss you. Personally I would stop it.
H will take showers at the house, lay in our bed, and still act like it is his house. He will ask me to pick up things for him at the store if I am going.
I'd put a stop to that too. When my W moved out, I asked her to respect my privacy- to let me know when she was coming over, to knock on the door, etc. Let me ask you this, do you go over to your H's place and let yourself in, shower there and lay around on his bed? No? Then why in the world is it OK for him to do that?
I am a people pleaser so I have a hard time saying no. Especially because it makes me feel needed by him.
Well that's a very honest statement, and I appreciate that you're able to recognize that it's what is going on. Now, do you think this is healthy for you? If you quit doing things to please him, how do you see it changing your sitch? How do you see it affecting you?
Mel - I actually just called and signed up for some more sessions. My coach has been much more helpful than my IC. I made an appointment for Friday and will get her input. We spoke last week, but that was before H's delusional statements.
AS - Thank you so much for the honest advice. I busted out laughing at my desk at the thought of walking into his parents house, taking a shower and laying in his bed. What the heck have I been thinking? Actually I know what I have been thinking - if he keeps coming over, it will be as if he did not even leave. I need to wake up and get with reality.
I am an enabler. My parents are horrible with boundaries. They were each deprived as children. Their parents never told them that they loved them. They never received gifts, affection, or attention. So my parents raised us completely differently. They love unconditionally, to the point that they are unable to say no. I grew up with the idea that if you love someone, you performed acts of services to show your love. You go out of your way, no matter the personal sacrifices. I am doing the same things with H. And when I do these things, I except love back despite my daily reminders to myself to have no expectations.
I don't think it is healthy for me. Helping each other out is a benefit of marriage. Our marriage is over. H is going to the OW for all of the other benefits of marriage. H either needs to be in or out. I need to focus on helping with things involving the kids and business stuff. I know that I need to stop the personal help.
H and I started dating the first day of college. He went from his parents home, to living in the same dorm as me. I vividly remember standing in the laundry room of our dorm and helping explain how to do laundry. We have been together ever since and I have been filing this role the entire time. I have to let him go and figure this out on his own.
H called me at work, which he never does. He appears to be freaking out that I may change things up and that I do not agree with his vision of possible post-divorce life. H wants to be my teammate ... blah blah. He was freaking out about when he can see the kids again, if we can be in the same room with the kids, if we can go to school conferences together.
I told him that I needed some time to think. I cannot give him a answer one way or another at this moment. I need to stay strong. I need to get a good nights sleep, reread the advice everyone has given to me and talk with my DB coach to make an informed decision.
Hi 3, my H is currently doing the same thing, although he still lives at home. As far as I know he is still seeing AW and continues to enjoy the pleasures of home. Although I have noticed on the phone bill that he does not have many texts or calls going out to her. We never have R talks and he will not see a counselor right now. So we are much in limbo right now and probably for awhile is my guess.
,
The positive things I see about what has happened in your sitch lately is that he is willing to see your IC and that he is participating in R talks. He is also showing signs of understanding what it would mean if he were to lose these comforts that you are giving him.
imho, I would say in your sitch that you should lay out some boundaries. But I know that is hard, very hard. I think talking to your coach first is an excellent idea, to get an objective opinion and straighten out your thinking.
My H too, wants to be 'friends' during all this and if we were to D. Since I told him: I don't think I could be friends with him if he were to file because friends don't treat each other like this. And if you were to D me, you would be leaving me not only as my H but as my best friend, he has been very kind to me now. And he has not moved out as I suggested. Since then we have talked about nothing R related and he has shown more interest and sensitivity towards his son.
So all in all, I hope you get to lay down this boundary and feel good about it afterwards. That is key that you feel like you have to do because you want to, not just because others want you to. And that it will give you some peace at night to know that you have stood up for what you need.
I'll be watching 3! I know you are having rough moments, but you still sound so good and positive to me. Keep that spirit up.
Thanks Pud. If I lay down this boundary, it will be a huge 180 for me. I know that it may lead to the end of our marriage, but honestly it has been over for years. I just did not know it until recently.
You are right, I don't want to be friends with H while he continues to hurt me with OW. He said last night that he was sorry for the A, took full ownership of the A and said that he kicked me to the curb and continued to run over me, which I did not deserve and he has stopped. But then he admits that the A is ongoing, that he continues to do things without thinking/caring about whether it would hurt me and then claimed that it was not an A and that OW is just a best friend (saying that he hates the word affair - maybe because it is against your values/morals before H got wrapped up into the A).
I told H that I understand that people change. And that if he needs to make this change, then I understand. If that is his choice and if he continues to put his happiness and his A over myself and our family, then he needs to deal with the consequences. Pretending that the kids are not in a broken family does not make it any less broken.
Yes, do what is right for you and your situation. It sounds like you know the outcome could be the end of the M and that is a good thing. If you set a boundary you have to know what the outcomes could be and be ready for it.
At this point in my sitch, this is H's second A and there will have to be a LOT more work for him and us before I would think of taking him back. And of course, your H doesn't like the word affair, because it is WRONG and he now has to redefine the dictionary on what A means! LOL Sometimes I really despise the nuttiness of all this MLC crud.
Sometimes the consequences can shine a light down their narrow tunnel. Sometimes not. Hang in there 3!
I grew up with the idea that if you love someone, you performed acts of services to show your love. You go out of your way, no matter the personal sacrifices. I am doing the same things with H. And when I do these things, I except love back despite my daily reminders to myself to have no expectations.
It's tough to change that behavior, because in a healthy M when a rift develops then the way to solve that is to pursue our spouse, to show them love, to do things for them. But after BD everything changes, the things that worked before are the opposite of what works after BD. Those behaviors are damaging instead of helpful. We have to rewire our brains to see things differently.
I don't think it is healthy for me. Helping each other out is a benefit of marriage. Our marriage is over. H is going to the OW for all of the other benefits of marriage.
Exactly. That's not to say that there's not a chance for M in the future, but it'll be a NEW M. The old one is dead and gone, never to return. You have to quit doing things to try and hang onto that old M.
H called me at work, which he never does. He appears to be freaking out that I may change things up and that I do not agree with his vision of possible post-divorce life.
I'm curious what triggered this in him, did you say something to him or did he get worried on his own? Regardless, this is EXACTLY the kind of reaction you want him to have. He needs to know that HIS way is NOT your way, and that you're not going to be railroaded into his silly cake-eating scenario.
I told him that I needed some time to think.
Good. Don't let him pressure you into responding on HIS timeline, you take as much time as you want. If he says anything in the meantime, just reiterate that you need time and space.
I know that it may lead to the end of our marriage, but honestly it has been over for years. I just did not know it until recently.
Yes, almost all of our M's ended at BD. It takes us all different lengths of time to understand that though. Again I'll say that this doesn't mean there's not a chance for a new M with H in the future, but a big part of healing, detaching and possibly reconciling is accepting that the old M is indeed dead.
and then claimed that it was not an A and that OW is just a best friend
The script is so predictable sometimes. They all say that. Cover a big lie with little lies. Makes sense to the WAS's murky mind.
H called early this morning to ask about picking S4 up to take him to school. He sounded chipper and like nothing happened last night (not surprising at all). I am sure he slept like a baby while I cried and tended to our children who woke up in the middle of the night. I told him to come at 830, knowing that I would be out of the house (kids with my mom). He asked if we could not be in the house together now because of last night I simply said that last night had changed things for me, was a big wake up call and that I did not know what I was thinking and needed time. It was a short convo because I was leaving for work and trying to get the kids really.
H then called me at work and said that he was a mess after our first phone call. I could tell that he had been thinking and maybe realized for a moment that the fantasy he had been imagining may not come true.
I thought that I would be crushed today. I feel so much stronger after coming her and hearing all your advice. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart!!
I thought that I would be crushed today. I feel so much stronger after coming her and hearing all your advice. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart!!
I'm actually a little surprised to hear you say that because when I read your posts I see someone who is strong and has a good, solid sense of their sitch and what works and doesn't work. I think you're a lot more put-together than you give yourself credit for!
Thanks AS
.
So I have been obsessed with the song Wake Me Up for a while now. The first few lines hit me tonight when I was driving home:
Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start
Agree with AS. You DO sound remarkably put together.
Nice song words, 3.
Last night was interesting. When H called me at work yesterday worried, I told him that I needed time to process things and to make a decision because things needed to change. He wanted to know if the changes would begin immediately. The timing worked out perfectly because H would not be coming over to my house in the mornings this due to dentist appointments and school conferences. He asked to come eat dinner last night since he would not see the kids again until Wednesday night. I told him that it would be ok for Monday night only. He will take the kids on his normal nights. No other family time planned.
H got to the house after we had finished eating. He ate dinner and then played with the kids. I could tell that H was making a huge effort to make the night fun for everyone, including me. He was including me in things, joking around with me. I know that he was trying to make the evening fun so that I would have a difficult time saying that we can no longer have family nights together. H showed me a video of a speaking engagement that he did back in September (I was super supportive, but he barely talked to me about it since he goes to OW for this type of stuff). He asked me to show him the Christmas Card I wanted to use and told me to order it and he would do it ASAP so that I could send it out early (H is a photographer). He spent 20 minutes looking on the website looking at card options. It was like an alien entered by house. I used to have to nag him to do this every year and barely got cards out before Christmas. H hated that I like to do things in advance and would make fun of me.
I have to give H credit. He was working his butt off in hopes of changing my mind. But I know that H's actions are based upon his fear that he may be losing a bit of control over little fantasy land.
My favorite part of the evening was a comment that H made that showed me that H really is living in a fantasy land. We were talking about schools for our oldest son last night. I was mentioning some options and commenting on the fact that I hate that our schools only offer half day kindergarten.
H said the following to our son, although he was really talking to me (and my son was not paying attention): "Maybe I should just home school you buddy. It may be the only way for me to see you since mommy only wants to let me see you one day a week."
Without skipping a beat I responded: "Last time I checked, you have the option to be here seven days a week. However, you decided that it is not what you want. You decided you needed something different."
I went back to our conversation about the schools. I am not going to get in a debate with H. I know that our M was broken. I acknowledge my faults and I am working like crazy to became a better person and will continue to do so. I am willing to work on a new relationship. H wants to live in his fantasy world and blame me when he does not get his way. It sealed my decision that things need to change.
Oh 3, I have no idea if that was "good" DBing or not, but I LOVE what you said to your H about having the option to stay 7 days a week. I am sure it won't have any effect on him bc he is delusional right now, but at least you got to entertain yourself.
My H has made several of those kinds of comments. Like, when we had to move around a bunch of money in order for him to pay his rent plus security deposit, he said "I know this is a pain, but I don't have a choice." I was like, ummmmm, yeah you do. Or when the kids ask him, "Daddy, do you HAVE to leave?" "Yes, I do." "Why?" "Because sometimes when you're a grown up you have to do things that you really don't want to do but you don't have a choice." Ha!!!
The crazy thing is that they BELIEVE this stuff. Somehow in their minds, it's true that they have no choice, and clearly, it is our fault. Auugggghhhh.
3. Wow! I wish I had your grace under fire!
Like melissag, I loved that line about 'last time I checked...'
That was freakin' awesome.
My H does that too, where he will talk to me through our S! He will look at S and then say what he wants to say to me. I'm like, I'm right here dorcas... So weird. Must be the guilt thing coming over them...only for an instant, I'm sure.
I'm so proud of how you set your boundaries and you did it without an air of superiority, just what needed to be done. You have reclaimed some power back, good for you.
I'm taking notes on what you do!
HA. Love your H's responses. It is like someone is forcing them to make these decisions and they refuse to take ownership.
I am not sure if it is good DBing or not either but I am not going to just sit there and say "Poor H, I feel so horrible for you. Let me bend over backwards to make sure all your dreams come true, while you are having an A, and forget about the rest of us." I have told him on several occasions that I understand if he feels like leaving is the correct decision for him. I have told him that I will give him space and have done just that. I told him that I dont want him to be unhappy. But he remains so selfish.
I am not sure if it is good DBing or not either but I am not going to just sit there and say "Poor H, I feel so horrible for you. Let me bend over backwards to make sure all your dreams come true, while you are having an A, and forget about the rest of us." I have told him on several occasions that I understand if he feels like leaving is the correct decision for him. I have told him that I will give him space and have done just that. I told him that I dont want him to be unhappy. But he remains so selfish.
I totally agree with you, 3. I think you do need to have boundaries, and if your H is so delusional that he finds them unreasonable, that's no reason for you to not have them. I think what you did was perfect. You set a boundary and you moved on. I think you are 100% correct that he is feeling desperate right now because he sees his ridiculous fantasy coming unraveled, and he's not longer in the driver's seat. Hopefully it will occur to him that he really needs to make some choices and live with the consequences, and will start to look a little more at himself. (I know it doesn't seem like it now, given that is still blaming you, but I'm not sure how long he can continue to be this delusional.)
I still need to talk with my DB coach and work on an email setting out the boundaries to send to H. I know that I cant do it in person because he will try to influence my decision and make me second guess myself. I feel stronger internally, but I know that it going to be really tough to set the limitations and dig my heals in because H is not going to like it. I hate to do it because I loved last night, I love being a family. BOO.
H said the following to our son, although he was really talking to me (and my son was not paying attention): "Maybe I should just home school you buddy. It may be the only way for me to see you since mommy only wants to let me see you one day a week."
This kind of comment and talk in front of your kids is completely unacceptable. Please set a boundary with him that you all will not bad mouth each other in front of them.
I could go on for a while on the effects it has but you seem sharp enough to realize this is not in the best interest of their emotional well being.
S - I totally agree. I completely understand the effect that comments like this could have on their emotional well being and will make sure the establish the boundary so that it does not happen again. I was totally caught off guard by the comment because our conversation at the moment had NOTHING to do with our current situation. It was the first time that H has done that this entire time.
I am in desperate need of advice. Any advice and 2x4s welcome.
1st off- 48 hour rule in effect. And in this circumstance I would take your time much further in deciding what your next steps may be.
For the first time I truly truly understand that H is done. He is gone and feels nothing for me.
As AS said, he felt this way on Sunday and may still. This may be how he feels now. And it will be how he feels until he feels a different way.
He wants time with the kids and family time with kids and me and wants to be single and continue his A. His says that our family time is the only thing he and I have left. Without it we will have nothing. H thinks that if we get divorced, we will still have family nights and he will just tell his new girlfriend or wife that she has to be OK with that.
Are you ok with this?
Are you ok being in a relationship with him while he is in a relationship with another woman?
Were you not aware he was having an affair?
If you knew, then what has really changed?
Is it those few words he said that leads you to believe he is done?
It seems to me that you are looking to your H to find your answers and to dictate what you will do next.
What does 3bm want to do? How do you want to lead your kids through this time?
I would really like you to think about what you think is best for you and your kids.
To completely take your H out of the equation in order to make a decision not to induce a reaction or to prevent a reaction by him but regardless of any reaction.
Nothing needs to be decided today, tomorrow, this week, or this month.
And if you do decide to change up something and it doesn't work for you then you can re-address and look for an alternative solution.
S - Thank you for taking the time to put together this list of questions. I will try and answer each of them. I have told H that I needed time and I am not about to make a decision based on emotion or fear or to punish my H.
H's position has not really changed. However, after our conversation, I have a huge realization about myself. It was like a switch was flipped and I realized that I had been fooling myself and had not been detaching from H. Although I was getting stronger, I was still acting each day like we would eventually get back together and would base my actions around that. I had expectations, not just hope. It scared me.
I am not ok with H's vision of our future and I am not ok with being in a relationship with him while he is in a relationship with another woman. I have been aware that he is having an affair. When he first moved out and demanded space, I gave it to him. Our interactions were limited to stuff with the kids. He was going to OW for support and his emotional needs. H and I did not talk often and if we did it was limited to just the kids/finances.
It has only been recently that our family time has been increasing. H has been hanging around the house, calling, talking to me about stuff other than the kids. I have known, and H confirmed, that his EA continues. So nothing has really changed with the A, but his interactions and expectations as to the amount of time that we will all spend together has changed. While H wants the best of both worlds (a new life with a spontaneous/risk taking woman and his old life with a responsible, loving, accommodating ex wife and his children), I don't share his vision.
Here is what I know that I want:
I want to stand for my marriage. I want to know that I did everything possible to make myself into a person that only a fool would leave. Maybe H will be that fool, but if I focus on myself than I will be ok no matter what happens.
I want to handle this situation with dignity and grace. I don't want to attack my H, or seek revenge, or punish him for his choices.
No matter what happens, I want my relationship with H to remain amicable. Even if we get D, I want to be able to chat with H at our sons' baseball games. I want to be able to chat at their graduations and weddings. I want to both be invited to meet our grandchildren together. I want an amicable relationship so that our children never have to choice whether to invite myself or H to an event. While I know that it may be difficult if H or myself is with someone else, I hope that we can get to this point. My vision differs from H's vision, in that I don't imagine H coming to our home every week for family dinners, etc. I think that H's vision will be confusing to the kids as well.
I want to have self-respect. I will not respect myself if I allow H's vision to come true. I do not want to have a relationship with H if he is in a relationship with another woman. I will continue to co-parent. I don't want to be his plan b.
I don't want to give H the emotional support that he asks for (sending texts complaining about his day etc.), while he provides emotional support to OW and simply tells me that I am on my own. I don't want to be in a one sided relationship.
Just like H needs some space and time, I need some space to start building a life without H. If he is coming over every day and we are hanging out as a family and interacting as friends all the time, I cannot move forward and grow.
I don't want to completely eliminate our family time, but I do want to eliminate the cake eating in order to restore my self-respect.
I am thinking about proposing the following, with the knowledge that it can change:
H can take kids on Wednesday/Friday nights alone. H can pick up the boys and take then to school M/W/F. If he wants to spent time with them before school, he can pick them up and take them to breakfast. I want to eliminate him coming over early/laying in bed/taking a shower in the house. While I find some comfort that H stills feels like it is his home, I need to start preparing myself that he may never live their again. I need to start making new memories in the house with just the kids. Sunday will be the day that we can have family time. We can agree on the time/activity in advance. I agree with H that family time is good for the kids and provides us with the opportunity to talk. It will eliminate H calling on his way home from work to stop in for dinner if nothing more exciting has come up.
This is tough.
I feel stronger internally, but I know that it going to be really tough to set the limitations and dig my heals in because H is not going to like it. I hate to do it because I loved last night, I love being a family. BOO.
I can only speak to my experience but I was the WAW having an A. The PA didn't last that long but I was in an EA with him for several years. I didn't make any real choices until my H became the WAS and I knew he meant it. We were over, our family was over, he was 100% finished. That is when I found DB/DR and this site and got serious about looking at my part in the M. Yes, there is always a risk when you set your boundaries that you are ending the m. If this happens, I truly believe you are just speeding up the process. If the S truly wants the M, they will realize it at this time, or soon after. (They may not tell you right away but they will know.) Do not be afraid of setting your boundaries. You don't want what you have with H right now, you want more. You will either make him realize he does, too, or you will force him to make his final choice.
Thanks so much LTH. You are right, really don't want what I have with H right now. I want, need and deserve more.
3, You DO deserve more. You sound like an amazing, strong person to me, so your H is a very mixed up person.<--to put it nicely, lol. I am always so impressed by you and how you handle things.
You will either make him realize he does, too, or you will force him to make his final choice.
^^^^^This is the scary part and you have to be ready for either action. It sounds like you know what you want or are very close to getting there.
I am still processing what to do with H. He continues to try and do nice things for me. He has been reaching out more via text. I will admit that it is nice, but honestly, I know that his actions are not based on actually wanting to R but out of his fear of losing control over his two worlds.
Last night he sent me a link to a funny video that he thought I would like. I did not see it until this morning. Instead of being appreciative, it made me sick to my stomach because these are the types of conversations that H has with OW. All I could think about was whether H sent the exact same thing to OW. It is like the roles have been reversed and he is with OW and I am the mistress.
I am really looking forward to my DB Coaching Session tomorrow. I cant wait to hear what she thinks.
I talked to my DB Coach today. As always, she was so helpful and positive. She recommended setting some boundaries. She reminded me that sometimes I may need to change things if it looks like I am going down a cheeseless tunnel. She said that if I keep things the same, then I will be helping keep H's fantasy alive.
Now I just need to get a backbone. It is hard because H is trying like crazy this week to reach out to me. Sharing stuff about work which he has not talked to me about in over a year, inviting me to dinner with his family and the kids (I already had plans so I declined). It feels so genuine, but based on his comments on Sunday, I know that it is probably coming from a place of fear and trying to keep his control.
What did I used to do with my time when life was simple?
3, you could be correct, that your H is just freaking out because he is losing control. Like wanting something you can't have only because you can't have it rather than because you really want it.
But it could also be that he does want it. He just isn't sure about it, or he wants both you and OW.
I guess it doesn't really matter which one is the real situation. Either way, of course you do need to set boundaries. Did your DB coach suggest setting boundaries around contact and family time, or OW?
What did I used to do with my time when life was simple?
I wonder this myself. Then I see the giant pile of mail I haven't even opened. Ugh. It's awful being so consumed with this all the time, isn't it?
I agree what it does not matter which one is the real situation. If he was just trying to get me to stop setting a boundary, then it will likely stop when I set the boundary. And honestly I am ok with it because at least I will know his real intentions. If he is worried about losing me, then maybe he will look deeper and try and figure out what he wants. Who knows.
While my long term goal is to R, my other goal is to preserve our co-parenting relationship because our kids deserve that much. I am worried that if H keeps disrespecting me with OW and his dreams of the perfect life despite the costs to others, it will be difficult to co-parent as positively as I would like. I don't want to allow him to continue to hurt me to the point that I hate him.
Crappy night...just venting. Tonight was the first time I was not included in an event with H's family. H took the boys to dinner with his family to celebrate FIL and BIL birthdays. I was not invited (h kind of asked as an afterthought). For 15 years, H's family has been my family. It hurt to hear all about it. How did this become my life???
3, I totally empathize with you. It [censored]. Next weekend my H is taking my kids on a trip that I planned for a wedding on H's side of the family. It was something I was really looking forward to, and H doesn't want me there.
I don't know, maybe I am grasping at straws, but I do think that H inviting you probably meant something. You said it was an afterthought - maybe he just wasn't sure if you'd want to do. Or he was confused about whether to invite you. Or he just forgot like men do. Or maybe it wasn't an afterthought at all - maybe the plans were not made too far in advance. There are all kinds of possibilities, but in the end, he did invite you. So I think that's something.
I too, ask that question - how did this become my life? I try to remind myself that doesn't help, and that I need to live the life I've been given (and remember the role I played in making it this way), but it is unbearably difficult at times. I am not religious at all but hope that my friends are correct when they say things happen for a reason . . . hopefully one day I will look back at this without all the painful emotions I have now.
Hope your day gets better - hang in there!!