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Posted By: dbmod For Iva - 09/13/13 01:25 AM
Posted by Iva -

My name is IvaC and I have been trying to get back with my ex for a month now. Some parts are good some parts not so good. I think I have done absolutely everything wrong to get him back so not sure that anything will work. Been reading lots of Michelle's books and find them to be quite interesting.I swear she took her inspiration from me but I am having a hard time resisting my desperate urges. so I am feeling kinda low today. I know it will get better no matter where our relationship ends up. The biggest problem I have now is it seems he has some apathy towards me which tells me he has moved on in both his heart and mind. I have a hard time interpreting his 'signs' or clues.
Iva



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Original Accidentally deleted by moderator, able to save this to copy and post.
Posted By: MrBond Re: For Iva - 09/13/13 01:54 AM
Welcome to the boards Iva. You'll find no better group of people who will try to help you get your M back on track.

First things first. Have you read DB or DR? If not, do so right away so that you can better understand the strategy used here.
Posted By: Cadet Re: For Iva - 09/13/13 11:43 AM
Welcome Iva

Some more background information would be helpful.

When were you married?
How Long?
Children?
How long have you been apart?

I hope you find this thread and continue to post or start a new thread! smile smile

Sorry you are on moderation but it too will end.
Knowledge is Power.
Posted By: dbmod Re: For Iva - 09/13/13 11:56 PM
^
Posted By: Cadet Re: For Iva - 09/15/13 12:08 PM
Originally Posted By: Iva
I too was the WAW who changed her mind. I was absolutely certain and move 2700 miles away, but something happened I had an epiphany. I had to do much soul searching and when I did tell him I wanted to reconcile he said he wasn't closed to the idea but not entirely open to it. I have been reading and trying not to pursue. I don't know if it is working too soon to tell. I know he loves me because he has told me. I am now moving back to be within the same city and hopefully work on a reconciliation. He said he is dating others and wants to continue to do so. I am allowing that to just happen because I did give him the green light when I walked away, hopefully nothing serious will come from his dating.
I don't what to do now, how much contact, how much is too much, what to say what do? My mind is all a flutter with emotions which I am desperately trying not to show him how desperately I want to be with him again. I made all the wrong mistakes and want to stop making them. I know he is hurt and confused and dealing with his own emotions right now and me adding pressure will only confuse him more and push him out the door.
Some that know what I am trying to do, think I should pursue more and try to convince him but I don't believe this is the appropriate position, he will either come to it or he won't.
At this point I am just trying to focus on me and work on myself and getting on with a life that just might not include him.
Trying to stay hopeful and keep focused are difficult but if I want my husband back I need to do the required work on me that will make that happen, because even if we do reconcile it cannot be the same relationship as before.


Originally Posted By: Iva
Yes, but I feel like I am still doing everything wrong. We did talk and he said he did not want to get my hopes up. We did end up spending the night together not sure if that is wrong or not, but the next time I saw him he was keeping his distance but he did ask me to stay and watch some of our favorite tv shows that he had recorded. I also noticed that he had kept the cake toppers and the goblets from our wedding and had them on display. Trying not to read too much into that either.

I am just trying to keep things light not make demands, staying focused on me and trying to imagine a life without him. We did have a funny situation we had gone to lunch and the cashier asked us if we were together or separate we both started laughing and he said, "That is a very interesting question...inside joke." He later reiterated that he did not want to be married now, and did not want to get my hopes up, so I am just keeping my distance.

I have been reading the Dbing books and trying to keep things light and not pressured. I need to practice not contacting him and letting him initiate contact and leaving before he requests it give it a little mystery. The hardest part is even though I am the WAW I still feel him blaming me for everything and not accepting any responsibility. I guess this really isnt necessary but to be both the bad person and be thought of as the person who is 100% at fault really [censored] not matter how much I know this isn't true.
~Iva


Brought over from the WAS forum.
Posted By: Iva Re: For Iva - 09/15/13 02:52 PM
Yes, both and listened to the audio files too.
Posted By: Iva Re: For Iva - 09/15/13 02:55 PM
When were you married? 2001

How Long? Together almost 15 years

Children? none

How long have you been apart?
Physically for months
Walked away March 13th the day we met (not planned at all)
Moved out of the house in June 30, moved to FL July 15
Returned September 8th
Posted By: Iva Re: For Iva - 09/15/13 02:59 PM
Let's be clear when I say "I was absolutely certain" I mean I felt that nothing would change his heart and he would do nothing to change our relationship.
Posted By: TryingToDo180 Re: For Iva - 11/08/13 09:20 AM
Hi Iva
I've found your thread now smile So what's been happening in your life lately? We use these threads as a sort of blog to tell others what we've been up to lately, good or bad. If you go to my latest thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2402085&#Post2402085 you'll see what I mean smile
You mentioned that he returned on the 8th September, is he still living with you or has he moved out again?
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: For Iva - 11/11/13 08:23 PM
Originally Posted By: Iva

Some that know what I am trying to do, think I should pursue more and try to convince him but I don't believe this is the appropriate position, he will either come to it or he won't.


I think when the WAS and LBS change places like this, that the WAS does need to do some pursuing of the LBS. WAS's tend to be VERY cold and indifferent towards the LBS when they leave them, and if you give him time and space now he's likely to interpret that as "more of the same" behavior. You don't want to go into full blown pursuit because that will be too much, but you do need to reach out to him and pursue him a bit to let him know you're serious about reconciling.

Quote:
I want my husband back I need to do the required work on me that will make that happen, because even if we do reconcile it cannot be the same relationship as before.


Quite right, and you should stress to him that you don't want to go back to that, but you are interested in building a new R and M with him.

Quote:
We did talk and he said he did not want to get my hopes up. We did end up spending the night together not sure if that is wrong or not, but the next time I saw him he was keeping his distance but he did ask me to stay and watch some of our favorite tv shows that he had recorded. I also noticed that he had kept the cake toppers and the goblets from our wedding and had them on display. Trying not to read too much into that either.


All good signs. Just don't expect too much too soon. It's going to take him a while to warm back up to an R with you. Give him that time, don't rush things.

Quote:
I have been reading the Dbing books and trying to keep things light and not pressured. I need to practice not contacting him and letting him initiate contact and leaving before he requests it give it a little mystery.


Well again, I think your sitch is a little different because he was the LBS. Do contact him, just don't overwhelm him. Keeping things light and low pressure = good.
Posted By: Iva Re: For Iva - 11/11/13 09:34 PM
I tried the pursuing lightly simply by telling him I felt I made a mistake, his response was that I had six weeks to change my mind and now it is too late. I have tried all the things you suggested but they didn't work and pushed him further and he told me it was over. Sent me a hate mail blaming me for everything told me he wished I stayed away and that OW deserves more and now wants me to stay away. I decided to grant him is wish and go away. Whatever he is going through he needs to do it w/o me pressuring him he is very hurt, angry, and hateful. I have learned now that he had been seeing OW before I'd asked for the separation which explains his quick decision to get the big D over with.
Right now I am doing what he would NOT expect: not plead, beg, pressure, respond, scream, yell, cry, or take him at his word. I am just going to give him some breathing room to explore his actions and decisions. It is killing me but I think putting any pressure on him is pushing him further and confusing him.
I am shutting the door, not locking, just shutting it for now and waiting for now. There will be a time soon that he will need to reach out to me and I will crack the door open and see where he is.
Posted By: Iva Re: For Iva - 11/11/13 09:36 PM
I returned from Florida September 8th. He has been living on his own and seeing OW that he knew before we discussed separation.
Posted By: FlyOnTheWall Re: For Iva - 11/24/13 08:24 AM
Iva,

We don't really get to see the WAS return as the LBS spouse much, we all know it happens. But I think it has a few different perimeters with just the standard LBS posts.

First, let me say, thank you for coming forward, its going to help a lot of people actually. Gives the "other side" or the grass isn't always greener perspective.

I think the giving him even more space after being "absolutely certain" you were done, is a super fine line. I think if my wife came back, I would need her to show more me that she's done some work, he doesn't trust anything about what your saying now. I'd be just waiting to get hurt again, or for that other sure to drop again. Why would I want to go back to someone that was so sure before, only to have them change their mind again?
I would need to see some of the effort that you didn't want to put in before. I'd want to be chased a bit I guess. Silence, been there done that when you walked out the first time, why go back to that? Why let my guard down if its not going to feel any different.
If you think he's just gonna change his mind after the hurt he's been through, the silence you put him thru, the detachment you showed before, the way you walked away (2700 miles away). I'm not sure you understand the pain he had to go thru to get where he is today, a wall 500 ft. tall. Happy or not, he's not letting anyone in right now, he's just in survival mode.

Silence doesn't exactly help chip away at that wall, its just building it higher. Now im not saying put on the full chase here, he doesn't trust you. But a text every few days, once a week is a good start. An offer to take him out to dinner, or a movie. The things he probably begged you for before. Sure, your probably going to get a "no" most the time, but slowly chip away.
Show your interested, complete silence comes off as more disinterested to me I guess.
Posted By: Iva Re: For Iva - 12/01/13 05:41 AM
FlyONTheWall,

Your perspective is interesting and somewhat enlightening. First, I understand what your saying about him not trusting me, I was certain now I am not. His worry about the other shoe dropping is completely true. However, there are a few things you interjected that are not true.

First, you need to understand WHY I decided to walk away AND why I decided I wanted to try again.

I gave up and became distant after many years of trying to get him to spend more time with me, after going to counselor after counselor only to end up eventually going alone. After him not only condoning verbal abuse from his friends, but him blaming and participating in the verbal abuse and then eventually choosing his friends over his wife. I pursued I chased for 12 years only to spend most of my time trying to make him happy. He was already gone, I gave up because I didn't know what else to do. He moved downstairs over a year before our separation and would only come upstairs at 9 or 10 at night then just want to go to bed or watch a show (of course one he wanted) if we went anywhere it had to do with his work.
I understand that because I was the one to say this isn't working it must be because I didn't want to put in any work. The problem was he was content to do what he wanted with whom he wanted and put our relationship on autopilot just expecting me to be upstairs waiting for him and grace me with his presence. Well I waited for years and I cried for years not 6 weeks and I didn't leave because there was someone on the side waiting. I left because I gave up hope that he would never do the work required to make our marriage work. I didn't happen over night, and trust me all I did was try but he believes his girlfriend deserves more than his wife.
I tried lightly pursuing it made things worse, he asked me to go away so I am giving him what he ulitimately asked for silence. Nothing else has worked.
Posted By: Iva Re: For Iva - 01/26/14 05:41 AM
So finally after 3 months of no contact, I had to contact H regarding tax, pictures etc. I sent him a brief email with one polite sentence requesting tax info and pictures. It was very non emotional, but of course H reacted with hostility and said that finalizing our divorce was more pressing. Instead of my usual response, I replied without emotion explaining my request and apologized for not being clear. I didn't respond or mention the divorce at all just topic I initiated. He did respond apologetically stating again that we needed to finalize our divorce. I have not responded and don't intend to. I don't know if that is the right thing to do or not, but it seems he is still hostile, he did say I was a significant part of his life and he wasn't just going to erase me which was the opposite of his last email over 3 months ago.
I guess I am still riding the roller coaster.....
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