Newbies introduce yourself /moderation notes

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Welcome to divorcebusting.com!

This is the thread to introduce yourself and let some of our extra faithful and wonderful vets track you and get to know you.

So just use one post here to introduce yourself. Then copy that post and create a new thread to contain all your responses. If you need help, after you post here, just click 'notify' and a moderator will help you. Alternately, a 'vet' will help you.

There are lots of resources here. A lot of them are 'stuck' here at the top.

Note, moderators do not always see questions, if you want a question answered, click 'notify'.

All the best,

Already started a thread but figured I would repost here as well.
New to this forum but learning a lot from reading the posts. On 7/24 w announced she was leaving as she no longer loved me and and maybe never did after 17 years of marriage. We have two sons, 13 and 15.She went out that Friday night with some co workers and I happened to see her phone the next day to see some texts from one of her coworkers ( male) asking if she made it home ok and if she wanted to go out that night. She replied yes but maybe less alcohol. After seeing the text I then scanned our phone bill online to discover they had been texting very heavily at all hours of the night and throughout the day.
I confronted her and initially she said it was all work related, well a number of these texts were sent after 11pm at night some after midnight.
I then counted the number of texts and was shocked when I found almost 3000 texts between the two of them in less than a month. I thought we texted a lot but there were only 400 between w and I.

After another confrontation she admitted that it was in appropriate and then she would stop it. She went on to say that it was "nothing" and not physical.

Well, since I am always the fixit guy I found her a furnished condo and she moved out the following week. ( maybe that was stupid on my part but I wanted her to see I was trying to give her the space she wanted.

Our sons are mostly staying with me for the time being although she sees them daily. Her mind seems fully made up that there is not hope of R.

The day after she announced the separation I went to a counselor. I asked for a list from her of what bothered her the most with my behavior and started to work on the issues.

# 1 was my health. She felt I had let myself go and I had. I immediately started a diet and have lost 30 pounds in a month. I went and had a physical, and attended a sleep center. Counselor thought I was depressed so Dr prescribed anti depressant. Started a fitness program, and went to work on the relationship with my kids. I will say the anti depressant seems to work and I am felling better these days.

Attempting to do 180's but its been hard to cut off communication with W.

Here are the other issues on her top 10 list

I lay guilt on people without realizing it
I don�t set a good example for my children
I focus on the negative, even when I proclaim a positive she still hears a negative
I talk down to her in public or make fun crossing the line
I drive and use mu phone all the time. SHE HATEs this
We don�t resolve problems , we ignore them until they fade away temporarily , then they come back
I am irrational about dumb things and anger easily
I do everything for neighbors and clients and nothing for her except a paycheck
I always try to solve problems even when not asked. ( i.e. when she comes home to talk about her job

So, I am working like crazy to turn things around. After going thru two counselors I didnt mesh with I found one who is a DB counselor and seems to be a good fit.

A few questions: Do I make her pay her own rent ? ( I paid the first month)
Do I push for separate financials ?

I asked if she would see counselor, first one told her there was no reason to see one as we seem to be able to communicate. ( about divorce)
I asked her to see the new one and she said yes but when I tried to set an appt she didn't respond. I dont want to push it for fear of turning her against me.

Sorry for the rambling message but needed to get it posted..

I am not a newbie but I will start this thread off as nobody seems to be wanting to go first.

I registered here on 11/24/2009.
Bomb drop was 05/26/2009

I am not on moderation but it is possible if you post here that you are.
Have patience, your post will get here soon enough.

I mostly post on the MLC forum and if you click on my name or anyone elses then you can read my posts.(or theirs)

I believe in marriage and think that MWD is a champion of that!

Here is a link for my first post.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1882334&page=1

Hope that everyone who posts here is successful in their DB pursuits.

I'll follow in Cadet's footsteps - not completely new any more, and by no means a vet.

Registered here on 06/14/13
Bomb drop was 12/24/12
My threads are in the Newcomers forum

Here's link to my first post: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2379644#Post2379644

I am so glad I found this forum and all the support I've found here.

Hi there, my BD was on 06/24/13 and I found this site and registered that same day! Both of my threads (so far) are in the Newcomers forum:

Thread 1: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...580#Post2361580

Thread 2 (current): http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...637#Post2375637

This site (along with the books) has been wonderful in helping me work on things to better myself and hopefully in turn benefit my relationship with my H as well as others in my life!

Hi there. Brand new to the forum. Some very refreshing stuff here. Thanks to everyone who contributes, looks like thre is a lot to learn but we all have come from similar places.

As for me, I am trying to save my 17 yr marriage. We've been in and out of counseling for 3 years now. Each time I didn't understand a thing, and thought I made changes that I needed to, but still didn't "get it". I am now "getting it" and in the process of changing myself for the better me.

We have 2 wonderful daughters. Both our families live in the same town (moms, dads, bro's, neices and nephews for both of us). So there is a lot of support. We are in counseling together and currently have been separated for 6 weeks.

More to come...once I get the DB admin approval

My timeline of events is
here:

Hi, Here is my first thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...728#Post2379728

MY H dropped the big bomb in April 2013. I found this site in August.

Hi all! I would love some of the vets wonderful wisdom. My thread is below:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2382777#Post2382777

My Husband dropped the bomb in April and we have been separated since May.

Hi, I have been reading around and thought I would join and start posting. I tried starting a thread but now I cant find it ??

Hi, I am new to the forum and am glad to have found it.
My W and I have been married for 13 years and together for 15. We've had our issues in the past and have gone to marriage counseling ( 10 years ago).
We have a beautiful daughter who is 10 and a wonderful little boy who just turned 6.
Anyhow, during these past 13 years, my wife has complained that she wanted more of a partner and that I seemed to be more of a another kid in the household. I have tried in the past to step up and take charge, however she is very controlling and needs things done her way. If they're not done the way she believes is right, then you're dumb. I am the type of person who is very easy going and don't put up much of a fight if she has a strong opinion about something.
Early last month she told me that she didn't think our relationship was working and that she was done trying. She also told me that I needed to come up with a roadmap to fix our issues, but that she wasn't going to do anything. She went on a beach trip with the family for a week (camping) and I visited 2 nights there ( I had to work). In that time I saw a therapist but didn't have a set "roadmap" yet so I didn't say anything to her about it... Until a week later and she told me it was too late. She said she believed our marriage was over and that if it had meant anything to me I would've fought harder and given her the "roadmap" while she was at the beach. That was 8/30/2013. She said wanted a separation and that we would still be family because of the kids but the marriage in her eyes was over and that 13 years was enough time. Right now I am still in shock and it doesn't seem real ... Our finances don't allow any of us to move out and she hasn't thrown me out (yet). We are still in the same house in the same room.. We have not been intimate in a long time and we just sleep there. I want to make things better, but don't know how. There have been too many words for them to really mean anything, so I set up some DB phone coaching from here for help. I am still in a daze and worried and scared for my family ..especially my children ...
Anyhow..that is my story ...any comments are welcome as it helps to know I'm not the only one in this situation
Joe

I am 49, my husband is 51. On Labour Day he blindsided me with the basic mid-life crisis jargon... something has always been missing (27 years together 26 of them married), I want someone who I want to say I love you to every day, and have happiness. We are just two different personalities, I asked how did you stay with me so long... he says.. I am a kind person. I asked him to take some time to consider what he was proposing... and to let me absorb the many more comments... its been 4 days. And.. life seems the same-ish... I don't know what to do.

If you are moderated beyond 30 posts or are moderated after not being moderated, and do not understand why, contact Virginia@divorcebusting.com.

Originally Posted By: ILoveMyWife!

Hi, I have been reading around and thought I would join and start posting. I tried starting a thread but now I cant find it ??

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...924#Post2382924

Try clicking on your name and then view posts.

You need more of the statements in this matter, so that we can understand. Thank you for sharing. I hope you happy

__________________
Dream to be A billionaire
I love to buy Diablo 3 Gold at http://www.vipdiablo3gold.com/

Regular Joe

Next time she says something negative give it right back to her.
In your post above, you could have said this (it is not just you that needs fixing, her control issues aren't right!) in a calm but assertive voice:

"Wife, I too have been thinking that our relationship hasn't been working. I didn't want to say anything to make you upset or think that I don't love you. I love you and you are the most important person to me and I want to have a loving, caring, safe, mutually satisfying marriage with you. I am glad you are my wife. The roadmap is a great idea. We should both share our roadmaps together. When you get back from vacation lets schedule a day that we can discuss our roadmaps together, how does tuesday Sept XX at 7:XX sound to you? do you have another date or plan in mind? What do you think we should do and when"

1.) Her making this all your problem is WRONG, Selfish, and it took your ego and self confidence to a majhor low. don't let that happen, it is not attractive/.masculine.

2.) this statement is complimentary, empathetic, and gives her some work to do, not just you.

3.) this also helps you not take all the blame, it will uplift your ego and confidence. say it out loud now, and you will immediately feel better.

hey nOObs, After you make an introduction, start a thread to post your sitch (situation). We'll find it. That way this can be just an intro thread and not a long thread discussion. Sound good?

Thanks for the input Math... I actually ave started with the phone coaching from here and this was the same approach I was given to take. I found 10 articles and resources about co-parenting and then when the kids went to bed I approached her with the subject and told her that we needed to discuss this, but that I was giving her some time to read them and then we can see about a time and place that would be good to have a discussion. I don't usually bring up "serious" talks, but this time I did. It was pretty much out of character and my wife told me that she thought I was just going to try to avoid everything again and that she would again have to bring up the issues. I'm also not chasing her. She knows how I feel and even though it seems counter intuitive, I am involving myself more with the gym and doing things with the kids... Generally GAL and hiding the gut wrenching dispair I feel if I think too much about how I'm losing my family.

I am 35, on July 25, 2013 Wife dropped the bomb as I was on the way home from work. I called her to see if I needed to stop by the store and pick up any needed items for dinner. She told me she wasn't at home and said she was leaving me. I first didn't believe her and thought she meant by leaving she was going to spend the weekend at her Sisters. Well.... it's now almost 2 months later. After the first few days into the next week it really started to sink in and I was devastated. I begged, I pleaded, I promised change! Nothing worked. I found DB and DR at the end of the second week she was gone. I have been using the LRT for the past month. I see some signs of improvement. But its hard to know if I'm making progress. We have a 6 year old daughter and a 4 year old son. I have contact with them daily as My wife calls to have me say goodnight to them. My wife is 32, I am 35 and we have been married for 12 years. I need all the help I can get. I have read DB and DR multiple times and am working on GAL, and LRT. I am planning on Phone coaching soon. I wanted to refine my goals first. Please help!

I am sorry for what you are going through, but I am glad you found Divorce Busting. I suggest you talk to a coach sooner rather than later, as they are experts in guiding you on how to stay strong and on track, so that you are more likely to get a break-through in your situation. There are sessions available as soon as tomorrow. Take good care.

Groovshadow,

We're in similar situations...though my kids are slightly older and we still live in the same house. I also found DB and got the books and the best thing I did to get phone coaching. I've only had one session thus far, but it will help you find direction. It may seem a bit expensive, but I think well worth it. When my wife sees the credit card bill she's gonna freak out, but what can she do? Leave me? That's already her plan. The phone coaching will help you refine your goals. The advice you get (or at least what I got) seemed a bit counter intuitive, but I'll danged if it didn't get results. Right now I am working on being a better me so I can be a great dad to my kids...the only person you can work on is yourself...be someone that people want to hang out with. Go and work on GAL and get a phone coach. I know it [censored] trying to put on a happy face when you feel like throwing up all the time, but you gotta do it for you and your kids...and then maybe the wife will follow.

Thank God I found this community. W and i both 39 yrs old. Here's my such:
W and I together for 20 years, married for 17. Basically a sex starved marriage for the last 10 yrs. 2 sons 12 & 10. W suggests MC in April, I agree, but we never follow thru. Lots of sex in June and she begins to withdraw from everything else. Facebook takes over her every waking moment. Loses 30 pounds, tanned, looking as good as the day we met. I'm suspicious, but enjoying the physical attention. My love language is overwhelmingly physical touch. July 10 I catch the texts from OM. She lies about length and extent. She drops ILYBINILWY. We see MC twice, she doesn't like it because "it's all about her." 2nd EA confirmed 9/13. She has been sexting at least 2 old HS friends. She is in a full on MLC. Even admits she's tired of responsibility, feels trapped, etc. I'm at my wits end. I love her dearly, but can't be a doormat for her MLC and multiple EA. Advice, support, guidance are appreciated.

JFun

Signed up for coaching tonight. What can I do to be best prepared? I want to have the best odds I can get.

It isn't necessary to prepare, but if you want to be sure you don't forget any important details that your coach should know, you might want to jot those down, along with any specific things you have tried and what has worked well and what hasn't. It is also helpful to take notes, so that you can refer to them after your call.

JFun,

Man, that has to be tough. All I can say is that you really need to focus on yourself and your kids. I'm on moderation now since I'm new too...so I don't know when you'll see this, but I'm also working on myself and focusing on my kids. Read the posts put up by others and I would suggest getting some phone coaching. The coaching has helped me quite a bit actually. There's a lot of good stuff on these boards.

Hi-

I'm very new here and to DB. My H left about two weeks ago. I have six kids (19, 17, 14, 12, 6 & 3)--four from a previous marriage where my H was emotionally and at times physically abusive. We were married for 12 years before I was able to leave/escape with the help of my sister, who is pretty much my only family.

I was divorced for 3 years before I married my current H in July 2006. We dated long distance for a year and a half while he was finishing up a school program. He had never been M and had no kids. We were both 38--he had just broken off a 5 yr. R and was thinking he would never get M. I was a single Mom with four kids who never expected someone I liked back to be remotely interested.

Once he moved home we married immediately. It became clear right away that he was tied very closely to his family--particularly his Mom. We've now been married for 7 yrs. and we've gone from being head over heels to hardly being able to talk to each other without arguing. I am constantly catching him in lies ranging from money, to the kids, to his family and friends. He was very generous in the beginning with money, but, has always cut me out of financial decisions. Our finances are now a disaster and we have both had to file bk in order to try to save our business and house.

He has regularly put his family ahead of me. They have not been accepting of me, and feel comfortable openly and privately criticizing and attacking me without H saying a word. He just continues to insist that we spend great deals of time with them while I am treated disdainfully and ignored. I kind of broke down emotionally last Thanksgiving anticipating the Holiday festivities. We argued about our plans, but, did renegotiate arrangements. His mother was very angry and called and texted constantly making him feel guilty. He claims he wasn't angry with me, but, he gave me not even one gift for Christmas and hardly spoke to me. Since then our relationship has deteriorated to almost nothing. Our physical relationship--almost nonexistent.

In response to all our problems, I have tried to "talk" to him. I always truly believed that if we understood each other we would be able to work things out. He perceived the talks to be attacks and criticism. He either sobs or is screaming at me. If I tell him he is hurting me and our relationship, he concludes that I am blaming all our problems on him and calling him an A** ****. I really do just want to fix the problems. But, I do lose my temper. Even so, the fact that I just won't be quiet and grateful for the good things I have has driven him away. He came home two weeks ago and told me that he had a panic attack at work and was leaving.

He stayed with different friends for a week and kept coming back every day for dinner, to see the kids and then leave after they were in bed. He kept saying he just didn't know if he wanted a D or to work in the marriage in C. Right after he left I found e-mails from his Mom in January on his computer outlining her support and insistence that he leave me. She went on to explain how he should take the kids if he could and she and his sister would take care of the kids for him. I don't know if he's been planning this all along ? I definitely know that conversations with her are inappropriate and destructive to our relationship. I've found texts from her implying that my kids don't care about me and referring to me by my EX's last name. When I suggest that we distance ourselves, H is hostile.

We were in MC for about a year--about 1-2 times per month. The counselor basically asked me if I wanted a divorce, and if not, I had to let the lies and disloyalty go--even though they keep happening. For financial reasons and because the therapy didn't seem to be particularly helpful, we decided to try an online M program and some books.

I have since found out that he continued counseling on an individual basis in secret. Last week he told me that the therapist told him that I had Borderline Personality "Traits" though he didn't diagnose me. I burst into tears. Why didn't anyone tell me? How can I work on my problems if they are spoken of in secret? Is that why he's been distancing himself all this time? Because I am crazy? He actually kept trying to comfort me after that and backpedaling. I'm very confused. My ex always told my I was crazy and now I can't make this R work. I have been on anxiety meds for a long time and just recently switched to an anti-depressant which I do feel like has helped make me feel more centered.

I took some online personality tests and I actually tested pretty low as far as BPD goes. But, there is NO doubt that I have had difficulty regulating my emotions and I'm definitely going to work on it.

Two days ago, my sister and boyfriend helped us negotiate a 30 day separation. H was angry because he wanted to take the kids that day to his parents house for dinner and I wouldn't agree because I was so tired of the entitlement and finger snapping from someone who just left me. At one point he actually stated that he was coming home and wouldn't be leaving again until someone dragged him out. It didn't feel like he wanted to come home as much as punish me and get whatever he wanted. He agreed to stay with a neighbor/good friend and I agreed to let him come over every other day to see the kids as long as he agreed to have a time out with his family and not take the kids over.

He said he was willing to go to MC with me. I am looking for a new MC.

I am very discouraged and confused. I love my kids and my family. It is refreshing to read about other people being so open and honest about their difficulties. I started reading DB. Sorry this is so long!! Any words of support and encouragement is much appreciated. You all are very inspiring!

Hi, I am new.

My wife and I were high school sweethearts- dated since we were 16. Classic love story- we have always been in love since we were kids. Broke up in college for a few years as the distance was too hard. She ended up seeing someone else and got engaged briefly but she broke it off to pursue me again. Got back together after college and have been married for 9 years- have 3 adorable children: 8,6,and 4.

About a year ago my wife seemed a bit detached and depressed. She mentioned that she wasn't sure if she wanted to be married to me anymore, but did not elaborate further or show any interest in marriage counseling.

Like a dolt, I blew it off as grousing and temporary discontent as I had a few career changes and we were under some life pressures. Fast forward a year and she said she thinks our marriage is over and moved out and got her own apartment.

She initially said she wanted to divorce because she didn't think things could be fixed, then she said she'd like to separate to sort things out. She has mentioned wanting to try to save our marriage, but she has dropped out of counseling and acts almost like amid life crisis the rest of the time- new car, new clothes, spending lots of money on her new apartment and herself.

I am DB'ing as best I can- but DEVESTATED. My children are so young and so healthy and well adjusted right now. My wife is no saint, but I love her and can't bear the thought of a future without her.

I think I need to detach while she figures things out or I will end up smothering her

Greetings All,

I have been lurking here for a few weeks now, and have read The Divorce Remedy and familiarized myself with most of the acronyms used on the site, and with some of the methods used when confronted with a WAS/MLC.

I am 52, my wife is 49 and very attractive. She has aged gracefully, and I think she is lovely. And I have told her so frequently. I love her without limit. My kids are S16 and D14. They are wonderful and brilliant to me.

I work from home, and my wife works downtown. She makes almost twice as much as me, but I am in the house all the time for the kids, and I make breakfast, pack lunches and cook a gourmet meal six nights a week.

My 19 year marriage has largely been a happy one, until five months ago, when my wife dropped the bomb on me. We have always been the sort of couple who gets along well,enjoys being together etc. We can spend two hours talking non-stop on one of our regular Saturday morning walks.

It was during one of these walks that she told me she was "done" that she wanted out of the marriage, that she had rented an apartment, and hired a lawyer. I reacted without anger and for a couple hours we discussed the reasons for her decision.

There were three issues. First, I had been losing my temper with the children too often, particularly with my S16, who has a rather severe case of ADD/inattentive and who struggles to keep up in school. He tests in the 99 percentile on standardized tests, and attended a magnet school for exceptionally gifted children in middle school, but due to his ADD he is always behind on homework and he earns mostly C's in school.

The second issue is that I have a strong personality, and my wife feels that I am too controlling of her, and of the kids.

Third, we have occasionally argued in front of other adults at dinner parties (briefly - and without creating a scene). She is embarrassed by these incidents, and blames me for them.

I mention these issues because I believe that while serious, I don't believe they are issues one ends a 19 year marriage over.

She told me that she had not loved me for about six years, and had been faking it ever since. That when she told me she loved me in the past, that she hadn't meant it, and that the sex we'd had for years was without meaning for her. Since we have always had what I felt was a rather good sex-life (twice a week or more for 19 years), I found this difficult to accept as true. I'm not so distant, or so stupid, that I believe that she could (or would) bother to be faking orgasms for six years.

---------------

But, I told her then and there, that I would stop the things that bothered her to the best of my abilities and I begged her to give me three to six months to prove myself, to remake myself, to begin our relationship anew.

After a few weeks of thinking, she decided that she had to move out. I believe she felt she'd made a decision, and wanted to follow through with it. To be true to herself.

I told her that since I was the problem, I should be the one to move out. That she should be with the kids. She refused. Said that she needed to get out of the house and to find out who she was. That she felt she'd been living under me for so long, she didn't know who she was anymore. She said that she never felt that the house was hers anyway, and that it was really my house.

-----

Then an odd thing happened. She moved in to her apartment, and we began dating each other regularly.

It was wonderful.

We went to new places, restaurants, and both developed an interest in our city's professional soccer team. We continued love-making regularly, and I felt that I might have dodged this D bullet. We were really in love again. We were holding hands, saying ILY and both of us meaning it. Felt like kids again.

We went merrily along this path for almost 3 months, when suddenly, she told me she no longer wanted to date me, or to have sex with me, or to see me regularly.

We continued the Saturday morning walks, and to see each other for an occasional beer together, but nothing more.

It was at this point that I discovered DB'ing, and have stopped the pursuit completely. I have gone mostly Dim, and see her only when she approaches me. This is usually during kid hand-offs, but our D14 plays on a soccer team so we see each other for one or two games per weekend. I made a point to sit apart last weekend. Not sure if that was a mistake.

She is always happy to see me, and always touches me. She is a very sunny person, and continues to stand near me, sometimes brushing me with her shoulders, touching my arm, occasionally brushing my arm with her breast. This is driving me nuts, as you can imagine. She knows she is doing this, and says she is aware she is a very touchy-feely person. She talks with her hands and frequently makes physical contact to make a point.

She has told me several times in the past month that she does not think she will ever move back, that I will be fine, etc. She honestly believes that, "the kids will be fine". She thinks we will both find someone new and that we will be fine. She has no freaking idea of the reality that lies in store for her.

She says her friends all say that she is happier now, and she seems to be gauging her own happiness by what others are telling her. This seems odd to me.

She is in denial about the the financial disaster that awaits us (it's already started as we have been financing her $1200 rent with our retirement income). No idea that her future Prince Charming will come with kids, and ex-wife, in-laws, and baggage - if he even comes at all. More likely she will date older men who will annoy her for the same reasons I did.

She has a group of 10-12 new friends from work that she socializes with. I have only ever met one of them. They are all younger than her, and either divorced, recently broken up, or gay. One of them is a Lesbian with two children from two previous marriages. The mind reels. They go out to happy-hours together, and to book club meetings, She hosted four dinner parties at her new apartment this Summer.

She says she doesn't miss me at all.

------------

Today, I found that she has filed for divorce. But she has not yet told me. (Yes, I snooped. No, I am not sorry. I am glad for once to know something before she drops another bomb. I have had an afternoon to recover and prepere myself mentally.)

I have not spoken to her, though naturally I have huge urges to break all of the DB'ing rules. To exhibit my anger, hurt, humiliation, love, etc. But instead, I am typing my story into this computer, and readying it for launch into the immortal internet.

I have several questions:

Things were going great back when we were still in the post move-out dating phase. (Her love language is Quality time and Words of Affirmation.) Now that I have gone Dim, I worry that she does not feel loved, which is making it easier for her to leave me. I believe she subconsciously understood this - and that is why she broke off the dating phase.

Now, should I simply let this divorce filing run it's course, or are some sort of drastic measures in order? Should I 180 and start pursuing?

Does this sound like a WAS situation, or is she having an MLC? Or both?

How dark should I get? Should I still go on Saturday morning walks and coffee after?

I would appreciate any suggestions, or observations.

Thank all you so much for providing this BB and to Michelle for starting it all up.

4 years M, 10 month old daughter. Wife left home 6 weeks ago and took all her stuff out, lives with her mom. Says she wants quick divorce. Counseling did'nt work. Hopeless. Looking for help. Thanks.

Just stopping by to say hello. I'm trying to save my marriage if 12 years but right now it seems hopeless. I posted my story under newbies.

I already started a thread but I'm on moderation right now. Ill repost here just to introduce myself and my situation:

New here and is love any help with my situation. Long story but I hope the background information helps.

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and together for close to 16. We started dating in my senior year of high school an the year after he graduated. We'd planned to attend college together but our parents were concerned about unintended pregnancies and at the last minute sent him to a college 3 hrs away from me. During this time we continued to date and I'd drive down to visit when I could...I stayed faithful but he eventually started seeing someone else. I was devastated when I found out. I suspected something was wrong and drove down to find him living with another girl who became pregnant.Id visited the apt several times and didn't suspect. According to him, their relationship was rocky. I broke things off immediately but was sucked back in when he called and said shed left him. I drove down the same day to comfort and be there for him and we picked right up where we left off. About a month and a half later I was pregnant too.. His oldest son was born full term in March and due to our daughter being premature (stressful pregnancy) she was born a week later. (Sounds so bad written out- sigh) ...fast forward, he and the girl did not get back together and she took his son moved on and allows him no contact...I on the other hand married him when our daughter was 1 yr old...

When things were good, they were really good and when bad- just down right horrible. I suspected multiple affairs however I never had enough to "prove" anything until we'd been married about 5 years.
A friend of his from high school and he had a PA that I suspected because she was a little too nice.
-let him drive her car
-started hanging out in his office late at night
-finally confirmed with a written note from her to him
I was angry. I threatened to leave. I didn't. We said we'd get counseling but never did. I wanted to believe everything would be okay because I loved him and by that time we had another daughter, I was an on again off again student, and we both worked low wage jobs trying to support our family. We lived with his parents for a year before they payed for a six month apt lease for us, then we moved to his fathers rental home. Financial issues plagued the marriage as he didn't finish college and neither had I at the time. Eventually i found a job that supported us an thought things would be better. It was around this time that in addition to this extramarital affair, my husband admitted to being addicted to powder cocaine. I thought maybe the money was going to the now ex OW, strippers, or something. I was shocked to find out I was powder cocaine but i blamec the past affair on bad decisions because of the drugs. Luckily, my job had good insurance that paid for a 30 day stay at a substance abuse clinic and my husband came home. i stood by him as he did the 90 meetings/90 days and continued steps necessary for recovery. I thought if he was sober, things would be better. I continued in my job but my husband struggled with seeing me as the breadwinning spouse- he very much needs to feel like the "man" in the relationship. We had another daughter...now 3 kid, shaky finances, substance recovery for him, opening and closure of a small computer networking business he started later
Hubby lands "the job of his dreams" as a network administrator for a real estate company. It is now 2 years into hubby's recovery and on the outside all is well. He is supporting the family, I started going back to college, we move into a nice home and buy 2 cars...To me, we'd made it. I found out i was pregnant again w/ our youngest child. It was a difficult pregnancy. I was never interested in sex as i was sick all the time. I was also tired due to having the older kids at home. Around this time, my husbands great job started to send him out of town to their satellite locations i other cities.

That is where five almost six years ago my husband met this most recent OW. they got to know one another as he would often have to make trips from Houston to Dallas to set up a new computer network for the company. This OW got pregnant however I did not find out until maybe 3 months after the child was born. I can only guess that my husband felt guilty and left a hint for me to find out and confront him- he left a picture of her holding the baby on his phone home screen. I cried, I was devastated again. I didn't threaten to leave this time as i was 1 month shy of completing my Bachelors degree with 4 children and no job- and I loved him. He assured me that the affair had long ended and he was unsure if the child was his. I accompanied him to take the paternity test and of course he was the father...despite the child, hubby and OW had rarely any contact until child was almost 3. The OW would occasionally contact me to deliver pics of child to hubby. Eventually I told her I didn't need or want to be the middle man and suggested she email pics of child directly to hubby. For a while, this worked and everything stayed about the child. Our whole family went to visit the child on her B Day so she could know her siblings...video chat w/ the hubby, kids, and the child were conducted in the living room w/ me present. I think things started to change this past year
- family style video chats ended and personal Skype and phone video started about 6 months ago
-he started working more and being emotionally distant 3-4 months ago
-stopped responding to ILYs
-stopped being interested in my day
-has a home office and will stay in there until 2 and 3 in the morning
-my husband travels for work on the weekends which now coincides with when she posts to FB that she will see her "baby."
-confirmed ea/pa via email and messenger on FB where he talks of learning things on the Internet that will "revolutionize their sex life."
-he calls her his "babygirl" and even had a pic of her pop up when she calls his phone. Meanwhile, he switched my contact from wifey to my first name when I suspected previously and threatened divorce.
-I told his mother and he tried to explain everything away. We'd had problems in the past due to this OW but my hubby painted a picture of my just being hyperviligent and suspicious for his past actions. He says to me, her, and everyone that he wants nothing to do with this girl. I showed his mother the proof and she believes me but he became so angry that he has asked me not to contact his family. His mom is acting distant too.
-He won't confirm or deny the affair and doesn't have to for me. He keeps saying I don't know what's going on and since 8/25 stayed angry with me for snooping and getting the information. He was spewing all sorts if nastiness that is not typical for us ...blaming me for "never listening" and using curse words when talking to me "u don't know what the #%\% is going on."
-when I found out I went into his email he was so angry he stopped ML for a couple of weeks and barely spoke to me. It was excruciatingly painful as prior to the last several months we were close I thought physically and emotionally.
-
-he refuses to go to counseling now and is only making small changes to make himself look good.
*comes in from home office around 10/11pm
*has ceased hateful speech and cursing
*tells me where he is going although I think he is lying.
-either he is the dumbest husband ever or he wants to be confronted-at this point he is leaving things easily accessible for me to find. Maybe he thinks ill throw a fit and leave.
He seems to not be able to say he wants out...he leaves tickets to the River Walk in SanAntonio out when he was supposed to be in a different city.
- I just found a business bank card in her name with a combination of their initials as the business name. The ATM receipt which was left on the ironing board says he just made a deposit yesterday. I knew of the existence of an account which he says he was depositing child support into but not a business account. Yesterday's deposit was $800.00

I dont know what to do as none of our marital issues has ever really been addressed. We would just sweep things under the rug and keep going. I want this marriage to work although logically i know it may not. I am the only person trying to heal. He is not remorseful has not apologized, etc

-I've been lurking so I kind of understand about GAL and 180s ...
- I read the blurb on ML to spouse if u feel it is right, may bring you closer, and don't feel used afterwards...but it seems as if hubby is only interested in sex "just sex" and providing money for household expenses "no cuddling or other affection.

I went twice to counseling without him because he wont go. My therapist want to spend sessions of me writing down every bad thing he had ever done an have me read it to an empty chair to move me "from shock and denial" to "anger so you won't take anymore of his bullshit" - didn't sound pro marriage...

As I write this, I am just realizing that hubby may be hiding small assets or trying to.
-large deposits into OW and his account
-came in from out of town and purchased a second vehicle for 1000- put 700 dollar rims on it :-(

Is it time to see a lawyer?...my head is spinning- is this fear or sensibility ruling?

Hi, I've been posting for a week now, but my posts don't show up. I really need help with my relationship. H is acting very ambiguous in his will to stay with our family. I don't recognize him post deployment. I'm pregnant and he has found OW while deployed. Now he wants out, even though he is willing to go to counseling.

My DB question is: do I leave him alone and let him come around to talk about the R?

My post question is: why won't my threads progress and post?

Hi,

Harold here, first post. Looks like an interesting sight with a lot of helpful people.

Looks like there's a lot to learn and contribute here, and that's why I'm here.

Been married for 40 years to the same woman. We have a few good years and a few bad ones. It's interesting to see some of the issues posted here and what the thoughts are.

Hi I hope I'm doing this correctly because I really need your help. Here's a summary:
Me 50 Her 48
W left me a month ago. Married 27 years with no big issues.
One D leaving for college. Got the ILYBINILWY. She moved in with her parents. Says her feelings have changed and that there is no one else involved. I found no evidence of OM.
Says she does not want divorce and wants to work it out. Can't understand how that's going to happen if she doesn't love me. She hasn't cut me off and says she needs time and space to sort it all out. In the meantime I'm in limbo.
Been reading DR and DB but I'm emotionally devastated and can't stop building scenarios in my head. What next?

In Sept. of 2012 my H of 23 years told me I love you but I'm not sure if I'm �In Love� with you. He wanted to separate. I asked him if there was someone else and he said �no�, it would be easier if he could say there was but that was not the case and he wasn't looking for someone else. He said it's not about sex, that I was enough sex for him, he just wants to be alone. He doesn't know who he is and he needs time to find himself. We have been married for 23 years and together for 30 years. He is 54 and I am 51. We have a D27 and S25.

Our marriage was good, not much conflict. We built our house together in 1997. We did things together as a family and separately just the two of us. We enjoyed many activities together ie: scuba diving, dirt bike riding, hiking, and trips to Hawaii. We were best friends. Our relationship was envied by friends and family. Everyone including myself are devastated. I'm very close to my 2BIL's and SIL. Both of his parents are deceased.

I'm in the process of reading DB and will be reading DR next. My H is living 200 miles away from me and I'm not sure how to apply any of the DB skills with this kind of separation. We are basically at NC. I haven't spoken to him since the end of May. I need some guidance. Any comments are very appreciated.

Yesterday I was posting my introduction for the first time (I think) when all of a sudden the Post area blinked a couple of times and I could not write any more. I didn't think I hit Submit . . . Did I write too much? Or did something time out? Or is it my computer? Anyway, I was not able to finish my post nor could I find it, so if you see it and it is not finished, now you'll know why. It's too bad if it's lost because I liked what I wrote and put a lot of thought into it. Darn it!

After my first failed attempt to post my introduction, here is my second attempt.
I am new to posting but have been watching this website since I discovered it in May. After reading many of the posts regarding the MLC and WAS, to which I could have signed my name to many (look at 30yearsover post just above!!! I could cut and paste some of her lines into my sitch!!!!) , and after seeing the consistently good advice, I decided to take the plunge and log in and become active. On one hand I feel good that I am not alone in all this craziness, but on the other hand it's sad to think there is so much pain and heartache being experienced by so many people. I hope I can find some comfort and peace here.My sitch - see signature for the generalities.
Details - my best friend, lover, and what I thought was my rock of a husband decided he doesn't want to be married any more. Feels like his life hasn't turned out the way he thought it would (welcome to reality my friend), doesn�t know who he is, and thinks we'd be better as friends. Says he didn�t want to hurt me and was a coward for not telling me sooner. Sound familiar???? Said there was no OW, would be easier if there was, made a mistake . . . etc � you all know the lyrics. Sure, we had some difficult issues in our marriage, but we were always a team and I thought we just were experiencing some �bad times� in our marriage �nothing we couldn�t overcome. Over the last 4 or 5 years he has seen me through some pretty major life changes; menopause, loss of a great job situation (felt like a divorce),loss of my father, and the granddaddy of them all, breast cancer of which I am two years out from my last dose of nasty chemotherapy. And you never saw a better husband through all this, or so I was lead to believe. Said in the initial DB he had been �checked out� for the last 4 or 5 years and that I should have seen the signs and signals. Ironically, we had been seeing a MC both as individuals and a couple for the last 4 or 5 years to deal with our issues. Even the MC didn�t see this coming-was shocked. As well as family, friends, and neighbors. H gets an Oscar for his performance.
Two hours after H DB, said he couldn't stay home and went to be with his family about 250 miles away, leaving me to deal with it for a week with limited support (he has a large family). Since then he has never fully returned home. I have been working out of town about 3 � days a week for the last year (not a permanent sitch), so during this time he�d stay at our home while I was gone then find other places to stay when I returned home. In mid-May he removed his wedding ring but said he was not intending to start dating. Having the summer off, he spent it with his family/friends. Phone calls/texts, mostly initiated by me, have been nothing but business and very polite. H did start seeing an IC (recommended by our MC) before the summer and resumed upon returning in August. H agreed to meet with me and our MC a week after returning from summer break to talk about where we were in all this. We met outside the MC office and had a nice chat. Hugs upon arrival. In office, H said he did a lot of soul searching and realized he is really �F�d up�, that I married a �freak� and he was sorry to have dragged me along for so long on this journey, and would not consider trying to make one last attempt to save our marriage. That if it would make me happy he would come back but he would be miserable � and then asked if I would I want that? What a loaded question. Says it has nothing to do with me. It�s all him. Told him then to send me the divorce papers � he said we didn�t have to do that right now. Haven�t heard any more divorce talk since. I�m guessing he has been too busy trying to get himself settled. So I�m waiting for the other shoe (bomb?) to drop.
Currently, he rents a house about 5 minutes from our home. We communicate once a week on average (again mostly me). Told me it�s hard for him not to talk to me but also hard to talk to me. Actually had a rare visit with him at his place � talked on phone earlier, he said to stop by. Hug on arrival and a �It�s good to see you�. Hug when I left. Texted him later that day about some business and said it was good to see him too.
I have mostly been upbeat and positive but not good at being mysterious. I am working on GAL. I still see our MC once a week. I struggle with not buying into his story, although I agree he has some serious personal issues he needs to deal with based on his emotional display at our meeting. I do believe he still loves me; however, I �m afraid his pride will not let him deviate from his decision that divorce is the answer. Tried LRT � started that in May/June when I discovered DR. Still doing it � but have backslid a couple times. Doesn�t seem to have made any difference �unfortunately, maybe I�m in that group where you can � DB until the cows come home� but to no avail. Have had three phone counseling sessions. Am considering three more. Read Sandi�s list a couple time a week. Our 12 year wedding anniversary is Oct. 6th (this Sunday) and I have been pretty down the last couple of weeks thinking about it. I know I need to detach more and just live �as if� we�re done and get on with life. Accept what I can�t change � change what I can and hope for the best. Easier said than done.
Any suggestions or comments? Vets, I would love to hear from you.

9/2012 found out husband was having EA. He moved out in 10/12, asked for a divorce but never pursued it. We started counseling and he moved back in home 2/13. Things seemed to be going well until end of 7/13, I felt something not right. Sure enough, 8/13 caught him talking to her on secret phone. He moved out immediately into one of our empty rentals.

We own our own business (I do paperwork), he drives, and have a 9s. He will send texts about "us" and call during the day, then goes silent for a few hours then starts texting and calling again. I'm tired of being on this roller coaster.

Went to IC and she helped in set up boundaries. Problem is, I can't get H to commit to a visitation schedule with our son. He still seems to be doing what he wants, when he wants. BTW, he is now using his regular phone to contact OW.

I'm at my wits end, I'm tired of being strung along and not knowing what to do. Any thoughts?

Congratulations on a 40 year marriage, I think that's incredible to say the least.

Hi John 2112,

I'm so sorry about your sitch. At least she doesn't want a divorce - that's a positive! And even though you got the ILYBNILWY statement she still DOES love you. Just needs to fall BACK in love with you. In reading DR, it is suggested you aim to become that person she initally fell IN love with. You are still that person - just got to get back to him. It's there.

Even though I'm no vet, I just remembered this advice from DR.
Hope this helps.

As you can see I'm not good at brevity. However, at the time of authoring this dissertation I felt as though I was being fairly brief. It has been a long 5 months.

After seeing H at his place this past weekend, I have decided to go 'dark.' Not going to phone/text him or reply to any of his contacts unless it is an absolute necessity. My problem will be how to explain it too him if he asks why I haven't answered him. Like I said before, I'm not good at being vague or mysterious. He can read me like a book.

I've pushed people to Divorce Busting for years - now here I am.

After 10 years of marriage to my wonderful, loving, beautiful wife - I cheated. She found out the first week of June. I totally ended the relationship with the OW and have not had any contact since then.

This summer was pretty brutal, but by mid-August we were back in the house together, going to see MFT weekly, attending church together, making love, having dates. We were a family again.

Then, about 3 weeks ago an email pops up from the OW. W and I saw it for the first time together. She could see that I had not read it or replied to it. But still, this pushed her over the edge. I think she started thinking that there is NO HOPE. That no matter what, years from now we are still going to be confronted with my stupidity over and over again.

She asked me to move out and I did. I've been DB'ing like crazy, best I know how and I thought things were going pretty well. She was arranging times for me to see our daughter and we having some limited, off and on phone and text interaction, but I wasn't pushing anything.

So today we went to our regularly scheduled MFT appointment. She asked W "what's new?" W said that she has decided that it is time to forgive and move on with a new life. MFT asks, "together?" and W says "not together."

MFT suggested that we go 3 weeks with NO contact whatsoever and come back to talk again, but W just digs her heels in and says that she has been thinking about this a long time and she just wants a divorce.

So, that's where I'm at. I'm the bad guy. I was soooo stupid and now I'm paying by losing everything that I really love. NEVER loved the OW. It was soooo not worth it.

H came over last evening to get some paperwork (business related) and starting asking what I wanted to do about us? I told him he had to do NC with OW for "us" to even start to heal this marriage. He said he's tired of living like this. When I tell him the only option for me is to NC OW, he said "What's it matter, you'll never trust me anyway?", got agitated and then started talking about dividing our assets. I told him I'm not filing for D, if he wanted one, he would do all the work, (he's used to me doing all the work in everything), his main concern is this home, that Me and S9 are living in. He is tired of being uncomfortable being out of the house. It ended up with raised voices, hurt feelings and he said, "Because I don't want to be with you anymore, I'm going to have to pay?, I'll bankrupt the company and go work an hourly job" and left". I really need some advice right now as I really want to save this marriage but almost feel like it's too late.

I'm new to this site and the forums. I'm here because my husband of 27 years decided he wanted a separation. He then gave me a long list of reasons why no longer wanted to be with me. The fact that he works out of town and I only got to see him about 3 hours a week didn't help things at all. I decided I needed to see a therapist to help me through this and she recommended I read the divorce busting book and also join the site. So here I am. We have 3 grown boys who are all trying to stay neutral. My husband still comes to visit me every sunday but says he doesn't want to move back in with me. He says he's not even sure what he wants to do at all about us. He hasn't mentioned divorce but I don't know what he wants for sure. He sends so many mixed messages that it just confuses me and when he comes to visit I ask for answers he can't give me and I usually end up crying. I don't know what to do

2 months ago my husband of 27 years said he wanted a separation. Today he tells me he wants a divorce. He wants to be friends and says he'll always love me but he's not in love with me any more. We're supposed to go to Hawaii together for a trip to see our kids and grandkids. This trip was planned long before the separation. How am I supposed to act like nothing's wrong between us when we are around the kids?

30yo, know that you are not alone in this life challenge and that you will find great support and love from the people at this site. I feel sort of akin to your sitch, although I don't have any proof of an OW.

I feel for you not having talked to your husband since May . . it's so difficult, isn't it, to deal with it when all through your marriage you talked with them every day sharing life's mediocre and spectacular moments.

Hopefully we will get through being moderated soon so we can get some feedback from the vets because all I can offer, since I'm new at this too, is an ear and understanding.

Just wanted to post a quick introduction. I'm patientwarrior, I'm 48, and been married 22 years. Now, I'm in the middle of a separation, and I'm just trying to navigate this minefield carefully and intelligently. Look forward to getting to know you all, and soak up some of the knowledge and wisdom of you vets!

I am not sure if I am still on moderation or not. I came here in June and thought I posted a few things, but I am not seeing them under my profile.

I am a desperate spouse like many others on this forum. My marriage is beyond complicated at the moment and I hope that as others read my story that they will take into consideration that we are not a family who loves drama. I wish I weren't going through any of this. I wish I could change it all in the blink of an eye. I know I can't, but I am sure trying and willing to put in the effort if someone can help lead me in the right direction.

Hi. I am new and looking forward to getting some advice. Here is a summary of my situation.

I have been with H for 15 years, married for 7. We have three little boys (4, 3, 10 months). H has been having EA for over a year. I have a gut feeling that it may have moved to PA but no proof. However, my gut has not been wrong yet.

H works with the OW. H started going out drinking with co-workers, including OW in July 2012. Got a DUI with OW in car in August 2012. OW got a separate DUI in April 2013. H continued his erratic behavior and tons of lies for the past year. We started MC in May 2013, but it was clear that he did not want to be there. In July 2013, I saw a message from OW to H starting with "babe..." H admitted EA. I got the ILYBNILWY speech. He said that he was confused and needed time to think. In August 2013, I found phone records showing how much they had been talking/communicating.

I spent the first two months completely devastated. I no longer knew H and could not believe how cold he was acting and his blatant disregard for my feelings. I did everything wrong (crying, pleading, begging). I would be fine for a week and then backslide. Over the past couple two weeks, I have made some major improvements. I have learned that I cannot change H and cannot walk his journey for him. However, I can be in control of my own happiness.

I am proud to say that I have now officially gone over a week without a backslide. I know that sounds pathetic but it is a big deal for me, especially since I see H on a daily basis due to the kids. I also have to see H more due to driving restrictions from his DUI (I am trying to ensure that I am not enabling him/going out of my way verses making sure the kids see H).

I also realized this morning that not only have I not cried in front of H, but I have actually not shed one tear in over a week. This is huge since I was crying my self to sleep every night just a few short weeks ago. I have focused all my attention on taking care of myself and the boys . . . and guess what I feel a million times better. My interactions with H this weekend were also much more positive.

I look forward to participating!

This may get a little long, so I apologize in advance.

My husband and I met online back in 01, I moved to Canada to be with him in early 2002. I was able to get a job here in the US about a year later so we moved back here to the US. We got married in 2003 in order for him to be able to stay in the US and get started working. I loved him from the first day I met him and my feelings have only grown over the years. I was 21 and he was 22 when we got married.

Over the course of the years, on the outside our relationship looked picture perfect. He would spoil me with anything I wanted, we went on lots of vacations together, and in general we had good enough fortune to be able to buy anything we wanted to within reason. We currently own a house, 3 cars, and a rental property.
He has never been the type to show emotions, EVER. I have seen this man cry one time since I've met him and that was the day my mother passed away.

He made a few friends at work, but never really got close to anyone where he could just call them up and see if they wanted to go for a beer. He has a few friends at home where he could do that, but never seemed to be able to connect with anyone like that here. I have my friends that I grew up with and I also have a sister I'm very close with. He doesn't have any siblings.

In 2010, we started looking around for ways to invest some money. I wanted to buy a house to flip and he wanted to buy a place that didn't need any work but wanted to just start renting it out and be a landlord. We ended up going with what I wanted - the flip. We bought a foreclosed house at the end of 2010 and we had to gut the thing from head to toe. I learned how to do drywall, painting, little bits of electrical and plumbing and everything in between. My husband ended up doing the bulk of the work at the house, and had to do a lot of the planning. It seemed like everything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong with this house. It was a huge nightmare and there were days I just wanted to walk away from it. We ended up finishing up with the house this may and then we got it rented out starting in July.

My dad also was involved in the project and would come over and help us do some of the work. I did pay him though, but nowhere near the amount it would have cost if we hired someone to do the work. My dad is not very well off at all and struggles a lot with money. He is also very unreliable. He says he will be there at 2, and he might show up by 6 or not at all. He is also like that on holidays. Will show up late, or not at all, or will show up already having ate somewhere else. He also decided to marry a woman who is in her early 20's (he is nearing 60) and they have a child together and another one that is due in Nov. His wife has never worked a day in her life and would call me all throughout her 1st pregnancy to ask me to drive her to the doctor, hospital, stop at the store for this that and the other, and stupid me would go every single time.

My husband and I got to be in pretty close contact with one of his friends (the best man at our wedding) and his wife about 2 years ago. They live in Canada, so they would come to visit us and we would go visit with them. I was pretty close with both of them myself, we would text a lot and play video games together online a lot and we were all friends. My husband started talking via text pretty often with the friends wife. She is the type of person that is usually closer with guy friends and she is pretty close with her dad. They didn't hide the fact that they talked a lot from me or the husband and I just let it be. Over time though, I started to get suspicious and bitter. Finally around Christmas this past year, I looked through his texts. They flirted and everything but I never found any naked pics or any "I love you's" or anything like that. She had been going through a hard time with her parents and he said that he was providing her with support with that and just in other life areas. She is 10 years younger than him as well. I asked him if anything happened between them and he said that nothing did, they were just friends and I was overreacting. I looked through his texts again sometime in January and she said she was sorry for causing me to get angry at him and asked him if they should stop talking. He told her that no, they didn't have to stop talking. He also told her that I said that I never trusted him. So I left it at that, and I did say at the time that I didn't trust him and that I thought she was immature and all sorts of stuff. I did ask him a few more times over this past year if she was hitting on him or if he wanted to be with her, and if he would just tell me if he didnt want to be with me. He told me he would tell me if she tried anything with him. They were just friends and he didn't like to be told who he could be friends with. She ended up leaving her husband in January of this year and moved out. He seemed surprised by it, but she claims that he was hitting her. They are separated now, divorce will be finalized in Feb.

All through the beginning of this year and most of last year, things definitely slowed down in the bedroom department. I just took that as a sign that we were tired after working at the other house and didn't take it personally. He started to act distant and snippy with me probably around Feb or so this year. He started not to be so affectionate towards me, and he just seemed like he was hardened and not his usual happy self. When I would ask if he wanted to do something, he would just say "we'll see" or "Maybe" so it made it really hard to plan things with friends. I just thought he was feeling the stress of the house catch up with him and he never said otherwise.
Finally in April, after dinner one night he asks me if we can talk. I panic immediately and start to feel all the blood drain from my face. He says that he wrote me a letter and would like me to read it whenever I felt like I wanted to. So I read it right there with him. He said that he knew that I could tell he was acting strange and wanted to let me know why that was. He told me that he felt bitterness and resentment towards me for doing the house project we ended up doing, he said that he felt like I left him there alone and "checked out" of it. He said he felt that we had been drifting apart for a few years and ever more so after our house project. He told me that he thought my dad was on a self destructive path and wanted absolutely nothing to do with him anymore and felt that should something happen to him that his wife would run to me for help or money. He also said that he felt my sister was dragging down our relationship and that she was sort of in the same boat as my dad, she didn't have a steady job but had just finished university. He felt that her attitude was negative and that I was getting a negative attitude about things as well. He said he felt like I didn't put him first and that I was busy trying to take care of my sister and my dad all the time. He told me that he noticed my lack of caring about my appearance, and said that he wished I would wear some makeup or nicer clothes on occasion. After I read the letter, I felt hurt and picked on but I was glad that he told me how he felt. In the weeks after that, I asked him if he thought he would want to try some counseling and he agreed to it. He said that he wanted to go by himself at first and that at some later point we could try the couples counseling. I found us each a therapist and they work at the same place. They said that we could do individual counseling and then when we wanted to do couples counseling we could all 4 go together. So he started therapy at the very end of may and went every 2 weeks. I started going as well.
His behavior didn't improve and he was still acting distant and cold to me even after the letter. I started doing things to try to fix the problems such as telling my dad "No" if he asked for a favor, and in general distancing myself from their situation. I started to wear some nicer clothes and makeup when we went out on dates and things like that. I bought him a few small gifts here and there just to let him know I was thinking about him and that he meant the world to me. So, middle of June I come home to a book and another letter. The book was "codependent no more" and the letter said that he was sorry for the way he was acting, and he knew I could still tell something was wrong. He said that he couldn't help but to feel angry and bitter towards me for my wanting to do the house project and him not wanting to. He said he also blamed himself for not being more open about not wanting to do it and took responsibility for that. He also started talking about children and how he didn't think that we had a stable environment here to do that. He said that his therapist identified him as being codependent and he said that he spent most of his life doing things for others and put his wants aside for everyone else. He said he wanted to take a few days for himself and hoped that I would understand. So he got a hotel room in another part of the city but then one of his friends from canada invited him up for the weekend so he went and had a guys weekend. He told me that he loved me in both of the letters he wrote.

A few more weeks go by and he is pretty much the same, just keeping to himself and not talking much and just seeming depressed. I decide to write him a letter of my own. I tell him that I am sorry for wanting to do the project, I didn't realize that he wasn't fully into it, and I was sorry for him feeling abandoned. I told him that I also didn't like my dad's situation, but there was no way I could completely cut him from my life. I said that if he wanted to, we could move to Canada and start something different, especially if we decided on kids. I said that I was willing to do anything for us and that I took our vows seriously. About a day later, he was just like his old self, he was very affectionate towards me and seemed happier than I'd seen him in forever. His parents came down to visit a few days later (this was during the 4th of july ) and they thought everything was going well. This lasted for about 2 weeks and then like a switch, he changed again back to his depressive self. I sat him down one saturday in the middle of July and said that I was very worried about him and that I was pretty sure he was depressed. I asked him questions like what he was happy about and he replied with "not being dead" I tried to talk to him about happy childhood times and I recalled different things my sister and I did together or things I did with my mom that made me feel happy when I thought of them. The things he told me were depressing things that weren't at all happy memories from childhood. He told me that he felt like he had no emotions at all and that he felt numb to everything. He said he didn't want to do anything, didn't want to go out, do anything or make any type of plans. We had a cat that was just diagnosed with cancer and he said "I should feel something for our cat, but I just feel nothing" I called my therapist right away and told her that I was really worried about him. She in turn, called his therapist and then his therapist called him to talk about his depression.

At the end of July, I got our phone bill and saw some numbers he had been calling were apartments in another part of the city. I confronted him about it and he told me that he had been thinking of moving out and that at his latest therapy appointment, the therapist had suggested it as well. So on Aug 3rd, I laid there on the couch dripping tears as he moved out. He held me and hugged me and said that 'everything will be ok" and said that he had to be on his own for a while and that it was HIM that needed fixed. He said that he was tired of hurting everyone he loved and that he wanted to do something on his own and try to fix himself.

I asked him if he would agree to try a couples therapy session and he said he didn't think that it would help since he was the one with the issue, but that he would go and see anyway. So we went to the couples therapy on Aug 6th. The session was with the therapist I have been seeing individually. The therapist asked him to be honest and clear with me and asked him if he wanted me to contact him at all or not. He said that he would prefer that I didn't contact him for a month because if I did, it wouldn't allow him to really focus on his issues and he would be worried about me. I told him that if he wanted to, he could contact me at any time but I would respect his wishes and leave him be for now. The therapist said that it seemed like we were on 2 different waves right now. She made it clear to him that I knew exactly what I wanted, and that was to do anything to fix our marriage and he said that he was still not sure what it was that he wanted. He said that this was all new to him and that he didn't know if he wanted to be in the relationship or not still. The therapist said that she was surprised at how well I handled the session since it was a pretty brutal one. I was just basically in shock and I didn't know how to react. He didn't ever tell me that he was thinking of ending our relationship, he just said that he "wanted some space".

So thats where I am right now, barely functioning. Can't eat, can't sleep, everyone is trying to help me but I just feel like I want to crawl in a hole and never come out again. Being at our house just makes things excruciatingly painful for me. Everything is a reminder of him. I slept at my sisters a bunch of nights but now I'm back home and still not sleeping well at all.

I was hoping he would realize that I really would do anything for our relationship and that if only he would have communicated to me he was unhappy, I could have worked on things earlier instead of waiting until he exploded from keeping everything in.

I ended up having the most awful month in Aug - had to put one of my cats down as he had stomach cancer, had another cat with a burst tumor on his toe which also turned out to be cancer. My grandmother passed away after an attempted suicide which she recovered from and then went downhill.
To top all of that off, I fell at work in the middle of aug and had some small fractures on my foot and had to be off work for a bit over a month. Just got back to work last week and my foot is still sore but healing up.

I'm used to jogging and or bikeriding and I would do that everyday at lunch to get my mind clear. When I was off work, I couldn't do any of that because of my foot.

I didn't contact him at all for the whole month of aug but on the 30th after my grandma passed away I messaged him online and just filled him in on everything that was going on. He said "I'm sorry" for the crappy things that were happening to me. He also remained pretty cold and short in the convo. I didn't message him again until the middle of sept and then again it was just a message online. We talked a bit and he said he had been doing a lot better, his anxiety had come down and he was spending some time making new friends, working out etc. He said that his therapist had noticed a change in him. He did also mention that he was thinking about things of course, and that living alone was hard but he was managing. Told me that he asked his therapist about my meeting her and she said that "it wouldn't be a good idea".

In the meantime, my therapist suggested that we try to schedule a session with his therapist and him to see where he stands on things. My therapist seems to be forcing him into a timeline to make a decision and I don't feel like that will be the right thing to do. Anyways, he ends up declining the session so I didn't have to deal with it anyways.

I got a copy of "divorce remedy" and read that sucker in about 1 day. I've started getting a life of my own - going out with friends and family. Though at the same time there are still days where I wake up and immediately have to throw up. Sometimes I just randomly burst into tears. Some days I feel like I'll be ok no matter what happens. Its the unknown which is the scariest.

Fast forward to last week, I figured I would try something different when I talked with him. I messaged him online and just chatted about regular everyday stuff. Didn't bring up anything to do with our relationship. Just talked sports, music, movies, tv etc.. He was WAY more warm to me this time around. Gave me a few smiley faces and even some haha's in there. He asked me about how my foot was doing and gave me a compliment about how he thought I could manage the department I work in better than my boss. We ended the convo with wishing each other a good night. I haven't contacted him since then.

All of my friends and family are telling me I need to give him an ultimatum and he's just stringing me along while he figures himself out. His parents continue to text me and tell me they are embarrassed by his behavior actually.
In my heart, I don't feel like pushing him for an ultimatum will do any good. He asked me for space and said he needed to be on his own for a while. I'm trying my hardest to give him space, but also want to keep in touch with him but try to keep it light natured for now.

Thanks for reading this super long post.

Proper etiquette

Is it proper to start with your 'story' in this 'newbies' section or to post under a more appropriate thread for the topic?

Thanks!

Hi Doug,
In the Newcomers category there is a section for introductions where it seems you are encouraged to tell your story so 'they' can get familiar with your sitch. So I, and several others, probably went overboard in 'introducing ourselves and our sitchs' but there are no clear instructions on how much to post or where to start your own thread. I'm still not sure how to start my own thread.

Plus I am not sure if anyone is able to read or see my posts since I can't tell or find any replies. I've replied to others already but can't tell if they got my comments or not.

My only complaint about this site is the lack of clear instructions on how to post, how to start ayour own thread and how to tell whether anyone is seeing your posts. There are so many peopleI want to connect with!!!

Hi just got approved and awaiting mod approval on 1st post. Read the DR book and have been reading this forum.

Hello, Started a thread here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...271#Post2392271

Looking for advice.

Hello all,
I am a newby, but have been reading these forums the last couple days and have picked up a lot of useful information.

Here is my story:

My wife and I met 4+ years ago. After 1 year of dating, she moved in with me, a year later we were engaged and year after that we were married and bought a house together. We moved very quickly with a lot of these steps. Throughout that time our relationship was good and bad. She would try to be flirty with me and I would push her away. I really wish I didn�t do that then. It wasn�t always like that though, but I now know there wasn�t consistent intimacy in our relationship. There were a lot of challenging things going on in our life during this time with her going through 3 jobs that she hated and her finding out she was infertile. There was so much stress on our relationship and it all started to boil over when we moved into our new house.

Now, after living in our new house for 2 months and just before our 1 year wedding anniversary, my wife says she wants to separate. We had been fighting a lot off and on and things were at a bad spot, so something needed to be done. At the time, I wasn't sure her leaving the situation was a good thing. I wanted us to go to counseling and try to work on things. Her reasoning was that we couldn�t communicate and we didn�t have any of the non-sex intimacy in our relationship. We went forward with the separation (I even helped her move into her parent�s apartment). At first, we started going out on dates once a week and things went really well, she said she was starting to miss me again. At that point I pushed for us to see each other more and this pushed her away and we began arguing again. She pulled away completely at this point. About a month ago, without telling me, she ended all communication and would not respond to my texts and phone calls. This was like a shot in the heart. The more she pulled away, the more I kept asking her more and more to talk about things and see each other. I turned into a crazy person. I started having crazy anxiety and couldn�t sleep.
We went out to lunch one day and she said that we are so different and that she is not sure she can ever get over the resentment she has. She is saying extreme things like we never had intimacy and she can never get over these things. I have read that I shouldn�t take a lot of things she is saying to heart right now because she is so hurt and full of resentment. When we had lunch, she would not say she wanted a divorce, she said everything but the d-word. It was almost as if she wanted me to handle it but I told her, it is not what I want. I told her that this relationship was important to me and that I saw more of the great times we had together and was willing to put in the work to get us back there and that I wanted to give her everything she always wanted that I didn�t give her before. I understand now that by pushing her and not being patient wasn�t the right decision and now I am trying very hard to use the 180 technique. I think she may be trying to use this technique on me right now, but since we really don�t talk about our relationship right now, I don�t know for sure. During the separation, I read the Divorce Busting Book. This has helped me get a perspective on what I should do. We haven�t spoken in 3 days, which is a lot for me, considering each day feels like an eternity not speaking to her. I definitely believe our relationship can be great again and it hard to explain, but we have done so many great things together and I don�t feel that she trusts her emotions enough right now to pull the trigger on a divorce. This gives me hope but I want to handle things patiently and take things slow, but saying that is easy said. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I also have one question. Her birthday is next weekend, should I text her happy birthday if I am currently practicing the 180 technique? I feel like I should, but am not sure.

Hello, this is my first post. I have been working with a DB coach for several months because my H of over 20 years dropped the bomb that he had been mtg with an old flame 3 times over the past 3 years. I found out they had been communicating 8 months prior, but he never admitted to more than that. Finally he told me in Feb minutes before he had to leave to go out of town (coward!) because he said he finally felt I had to know the truth. At first I wanted things to work between us, but now I am not so sure if I want to stay. He says he has always cared for her and always will, but he loves me. I feel I dont deserve to have the shadow of an old flame hovering over me. Have 3 kids, so that makes me want to try to work it out, but issue is complicated because we have a child recently diagnosed with a chronic illness, plus my husband is away a lot right now on business, this is what made it so easy for him to cheat. Our focus the last few months has been getting our child well and I have not had the emotional energy to deal with my H affair and how it has hurt me, and this all occurred within one months time. My life has been turned upside down, and I need to make a decision in the next few months because we are supposed to move. He says he will be devestated by a divorce, but I am not so sure, he said that once. He never wants to talk about "it", I wish he was more demonstrative toward me. I would especially appreciate a mans's point of view. Is it normal and ok to still have feelings for another person but also love and want to be with your wife?? Thanks!

Hello to everyone... I am just posting this,(hopefully in the right place) to say Hello to ya all, and introduce myself...

I shall have to give some thought to how this as there are simply too much going on... However, in short...

Married 33 years... Separated in 2003 for 5 years, got back together, and the jury is still very much out! Basically nothing has changed except our age... and the fact we haven't had any physical intimacy who so ever! I won't go further, as I need to try to put everything together....

Thanks for being here!!

Oh.. I am 54, husband is 68... our son, 31 is living with us due to lack of a job!

Here goes...

We have been married 11 years. We met on the mission field (both coming to the same country with that desire independently). We have a D-5 and S-1.5. We have had ups and downs in marriage, but I thought these last 5 years since D was born, things were pretty good. Busy, but good. I suppose I was blind or unwilling to look under the surface.

3 months ago, W shared that she didn't love me anymore, that the connection was gone, that she was "done." Within 5 days of the initial bomb, she took off the rings and said she was leaving with the kids.

Though vague about her reasons for losing love for me, she has used words that I hadn't heard these 11 years: controlling, manipulative, "stealing her voice", etc. 7 years ago she also was unhappy - she has been through depression twice in our marriage and went through therapy at that time. I found out then about some really sad stuff from her childhood and past, and kind of ignorantly didn't know how to support her with it - so I let the therapy progress and she came out feeling better. At that time, she saw that some of the changes that needed to be made were not just related to her, but to our M. She asked for more affection, a weekly date night, evening couch time to talk, and a house and to begin trying to have children. This all seemed reasonable to me, and we have - for the most part - kept all of those things since that time.

So the bomb in July just shocked me. Additionally, because of our work, we were living in a small country in Eastern Europe and the reality of separation or divorce would take us away from our work, our network of good friends, etc. In short, my world was rocked with the threat of many aspects of my identity (husband, father, vocation, friend) being ripped away simultaneously.

The first 6 weeks up until end of August, I broke many of what I see referred to as "Sandi2's rules." I begged for time, I promised change, and at the same time I was also obsessed with figuring her out. I spent hours googling everything from depression to bipolar to attachment disorders to midlife crises. I finally realized the damage I was doing by driving myself nuts, and occasionally her as well.

We flew our family home in early September, and since then I have been doing individual therapy. Although the therapist isn't the brief kind that Michele advocates (he is typical psychoanalysis, but with my faith background mixed in), he is good and is leading me to own my sh1t in all this. So I have still been screwing up and not exactly DBing these last six weeks, but I did leave behind some of the damaging things I was doing the first six weeks.

We did one joint MC session and she told the therapist she is 100% done. We scheduled for the following week but the day before W decided she didn't want to do it. I had learned enough the I was starting to DB without knowing it (just found the books and this website about 3-4 days ago). When she told me she didn't want to return to MC, I had about 30 minutes where I went to another room to silently process impending doom. Then, I realized that her refusing a 2nd session of MC didn't mean that she will leave tomorrow necessarily. I saw that I was placing all hope in certain things (MC, her daily responses, etc).

I would qualify us as basically S under the same roof. We eat together with the kids, watch TV in the same room, but touching her even casually has become off limits. She doesn't wear her rings, and is working on a resume - presumably a step in the process toward S and maybe then big D.

I am reading DB, almost finished. Have bought DR but haven't started it yet. I am torn between the idea of going dark, which I am reading about in this forum, and the idea which likely emerges from the therapy and from my faith background, which is continued repentance toward her for my part in this, and continued pursuit to win her heart back.

I have many questions for you DB vets, especially those who have seen their M restored.

That's my story up to this point. I am saddened every morning with the prospect of losing the love of my life, and the kids. But I am beginning to work on GAL and some 180 stuff. Figuring out which 180 techniques to implement is tough, because I'm still not sure that the explanations W have given me are clear enough for me to figure out what exactly to change. This, to me, seems to be a most important question that I need to figure out.

TB

Hello All:

My marriage is in deep trouble.

WAW is in the midst of a severe mid-life crisis and I have done some things (internet porn) to aggravate the situation. I admitted to occasionally looking at the porn to her back in March 2013. I stopped immediately but W had a very severe reaction - smashing things, etc. and our lives have been on a rollercoaster ever since.

Although I think W is very good looking, her self-esteem is very low right now. We are still living together but July 1 she dropped the bomb and told me she wants to separate and divorce. She has been adamant and firm about this ever since and she does things to remind me "she is done" on a regular basis.

I have made a bunch of changes: July 3, I quit drinking. She has complained about me drinking too much. I had been drinking 1 to 3 drinks per day for many years and more on weekends and social occasions. Now I have stopped drinking on a daily basis but I still will have one or two drinks in social situations. I am still struggling with this a bit lately and I think I need to go cold turkey. It is a powerful addiction.

From March until July 24, I did a lot of apologizing, explaining, saying "I love you", asking for forgiveness and other needy behaviors.

July 23 I purchased and read a booklet put out by "Marriage Repair Center" and I have also purchased and read the Divorce Remedy book. I have read the MRC booklet many times and I have been following it and the similar "Last Resort" suggestions for the past 3 months.

I have made many small changes and 180's, helping out more, not being as controlling, more relaxed, GAL and she has noticed. She says "too little, too late" or "too bad you didn't do this two years ago" or "you are just following a book and changing to get me back".

But she has also said "What if I change my mind?" and "I am impressed by how well you are handling this"

I have also been going to counselling and working on GAL. I do not have very many close friends so this is something I really need to work on.

We were still having sex up until the middle of August. I was also making a point of hugging her when I came home but I have recently stopped doing this.

She has purchased a trailer to move in to and gets possession at the end of October. She does not seem to be in a hurry to move out yet and I have not been pushing separating.

Affairs & MLC: In August 2012 W started going to the gym and losing a lot of weight and she has been pursuing old high-school friends and old boyfriends. I was able to get her to stop texting and FB with the first guy back in November 2012. She has continued to pursue the second old boyfriend since Jan 2013. He lives out of town and she is texting, FB and arranging for visits as often as possible. She took him out for lunch when we were in the area Aug 6 and she flew down and to attend his mothers funeral August 23,24 & 25 weekend. She drove down again this weekend for a close friend's 50th birthday and will likely spend time with him.

I am having a very hard time sucking this up. I do not think they have had sex yet, since W is very insecure about her body, but it is a matter of time and it will happen. OM is a nice guy and very funny - always smiling and cracking jokes. I am also a nice guy but much more uptight and serious. OM is previously divorced and also has just ended a 5 year relationship.

W has scheduled breast implant surgury in December.

I need some help in determining the best course of action for my situation since she is still living at home but I am not sure how much I should put up with.

1st post. Bought DB book today. My wife asked for a D a month ago and like many others I am devestated and was doing many wrong things like being emotional, begging, questioning ect. I want to make things work and I think DB is the tool I need based on posts I have read with similar situations. Most of the advice I have gotten so far is to move on and I don't want to give up that easily.

Thanks for sharing your experiences

Well I am at this again after 7 years. We were separated for 8 months last time.

This time it is a little different. We have been married almost 15 years and together for 19. We have twin boy/girl 13 year old. My husband has been through a lot of stress for the past 3 years becoming a firefighter paramedic. We have had financial trouble due to this as well.

We have nasty fights and throw around the D word as a threat. I know how wrong this is! DH also drinks a lot. During the week 2-4 beers most nights. When we go to a party he will get trashed. He tells me I am boring because I don't drink a lot and I am not a bundle of fun. I told DH I have to drive your drunk ass home! I grew up with an alcoholic father and hate it. His father and grand father I would call both alcoholics and they both cheated on their spouses. I would say DH drinking has been a major problem for us. He says I am the one who has a problem with is drinking. DH has cut down in the past couple of years. I have learn no to make him mad to avoid a nasty fight.
A month ago DH went to his 20 year reunion and ended up staying in a 5th grade GF's room. He says he has always liked her. Swears they did not have sex. However, they have been having an EA ever since. The got a prepaid phone because I found 10-15 text and 60-90 min calls everyday.
When I found out about her he said they were just friends but he doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce. He said there is no way we we will get back together!!He says he is dead in side for me. Not her apparently. But, wants to stay in the house for the kids. He said we would try to work on us. Then I found the other phone. DH then said he was lying and had no intentions on working on us. He is in love with EA and never loved anyone like her. He is very angry at me and says we have had a horrible marriage. We can't get along and push each others buttons. He likes to tell me things to get a reaction and then I explode. I am embarrassed to say I am a yeller and trying to work on that. That is his major issue with me.
After DH said 3-4 times saying he has stopped with her and not. I told him he was right we had a bad marriage and we needed to get a divorce. DH said "I thought we were staying together for the kids?" I said I wanted to but I can't handle you EA. Again, he said he would give her up, doesn't want to but will to stay and gave me the other phone.
This was 3 days ago. He sent her a text from regular phone that supposedly says the couldn't talk "right now". WTH! I said that sounds like a few days to me. He wanted to talk to her and let her know what was happening. Oh, I forgot to mention she is also married. He has yet to go one day without contact. Sent her a text late last night. So giving me the other phone is no big deal if he is just using the other one.
I love my husband and want to work it out but he says he hates me and doesn't want to talk to me. I told him if he stayed I wanted to act like a couple and he needs to stay in the bedroom (couch for 2 weeks) and not contact with EA. EA not happening yet but down to once daily, ha ha.
DH slept in the bed 3 nights ago. In his sleep bugged me all night for sex. I finally woke him up. We talked and he said he didn't want me just horny. DH said he wanted to be honest and didn't want to lie to me anymore.
We have tried to get along and work on arguing to defuse it. It is hard for me not to pick about the EA. I am working on it daily and he is too.
Last time he left sex was the only thing that kept us bonded. We ended up having sex that night and then he was very remorseful saying he feels bad for using me for sex.
I have read DB & DR in the past and skimmed through to refresh. I am kind of a loss about what to do next. Since he is home it is hard.
Sorry so long I wanted to give the whole picture.

Hi all, I have been lurking for a bit, just now registered for an account.

Brief story: Married almost 11 years; together 13.5; friends 17. Two awesome, happy (for now) kids - boy 7 and girl 9.

Issues throughout our marriage turned into vicious circle - he said I was too critical and (once having kids) not enough intimacy. I felt insecure in the relationship and he would not give me reassurances since he was feeling badly about the way I treated him. I felt too vulnerable to give him what he wanted. You see how this goes. In retrospect, we just handled everything all wrong.

My history - parents married 47 years. HIs history - parents divorced at age 1 (Dad took off, rarely saw kids); Dad married a second time to a woman with a divorce under her belt. Started affair when wife #2 pregnant with kid #3; left wife and three kids, moved across the country when kid #3 was an infant. Third wife had already been divorced once as well. Divorce rampant in his family - he views it as a solution (part of the reason for my insecurity).

So, we struggled through these issues, but I think too wrapped up in our own problems to really hear and understand the other. Still have had a great time together, great kids, lots of family fun, our home is happy. A lot of complacency in the marriage - I tried to do small scale things to help but was not encouraged to do more because I felt they were unappreciated, and I felt too vulnerable to do more. He apparently thought he was doing things to help, though I am not sure what, which means that we were both way off base and just didn't get each other.

So long story short, on 9/27 H dropped the bomb, apparently having thought about it for some time, unbeknownst to me. Seemingly no emotion - no changing his mind. Spent 24 hours doing the exact wrong thing - begging, pleading, generally humiliating myself - only strengthened his resolve, and in fact he said some pretty mean things to me. ("It's time for me to be selfish." "I don't love you." "No, I will not give you another chance, you already got your last chance," etc. Ouch.)

Started doing 180s and he has softened quite a bit. We had have had two nights where we have been intimate. After first one, said he was freaking out - he loves me and cares about me and doesn't want to F things up further - I guess in reference to his desire to be best of friends so we can be great co-parents. Second time (just under a week ago), I told him not to freak out, I get it, I understand what he feels he needs to do, and I don't want him to be unhappy with me. Just before the second time we had a long talk (I did not ask him to work on the M, but we did talk about a few of the issues - basically he just feels that we are great friends but that when M we take each other for granted and just don't understand each other, and it will never work; and that he feels that he has lost himself somewhere and needs to stand on his own to work that out.)

He is still living at home. The kids have not been told. I keep trying to give him space but he chooses to spend most of his time outside of work with me and the kids. After the kids go to bed, he hangs out with me. Then, he goes and sleeps downstairs on the couch. (Sigh.) I have been dressing more nicely, he notices and compliments me. I make dinner (usually he does), he thanks me and compliments me. During our big talk, he told me he doesn't feel comfortable with touching b/c he feels he needs to stand on his own. (An hour later we were having sex.) I have been respecting that even though it kills me. It is almost comical the lengths he goes to to make sure that we don't touch each other. You'd think I have leprosy. Tonight he touched me voluntarily three times . . . so I guess that is a good sign? But, as with all other nights, after we have had a great time together, he makes sure to update me on his moving out plans. (RIght now, plans to move out in about 10 days - on our anniversary weekend. Ouch.)

Still doing 180s - haven't criticized him once in 3+ weeks - and honestly kicking myself because wow, it's so much easier not to be critical! Wish that I could have figured all this stuff out with time left to fix things.

Most of my friends/family and everyone else I talk to have good intentions but
tell me he's a jerk, move on, kick him out of the house, lawyer up, he's evil, etc. It hurts a lot and I really hate all the negativity. I find that when I try to just "accept it and get over it," that means i lie on the floor feeling depressed and hopeless. Doing the 180s and having a little hope makes me better able to handle getting through each day.

Talked to DB coach today, it was definitely helpful. Wish I could talk to her every day, as I have nobody for encouragement and I seriously need it all day long.

I don't think there is any stopping him moving out; I just pray that he comes around at some point . . . although once the kids are told, I may not be hoping anymore. I am really dreading that, and think I may be quite angry at that point.

I have seen therapists, lawyers, etc. Read up online and in books. And you know what I've decided? Divorce is just plain STUPID. It's so stupid that we are going to have to split up all the parenting stuff, and all of our things, and all of our finances, etc. It's stupid that we get along great, have a great time together and a happy little family, and he wants a D. It's obvious to me that our problems are totally solvable; but he doesn't see that at all. He feels they are completely unresolvable. He also somehow thinks that he has "done everything" to make this work . . . not sure how that can be true when he decided on his own to D and sticks to it even though I want to work on things. ???

Thanks for reading this far . . . I'm still trying to figure out how/where to post in the forums, but am looking forward to some DBing support and advice - it is tough stuff with little outside support.

Hi...First post. Have been reading for several days now. I'll post full details later, but for now, I had an affair and wife wants divorce. says she will never trust me again. On Aug 7th, she asked me to move out, which i did. On Sept 7th she told me she wanted a divorce. She didn't mention it again until Oct 19th. Said she has retained an atty and is filling out the paperwork to file. Not sure what I can do at this point.

Hi...my first post. Have been reading the board for a few days now. I'll post more detail later. For now, I had an affair and told my wife about it. She asked me to move out, which I did on Aug 7th. On Sept 7th she said she didn't love me, would never be able to trust me again, and wanted a divorce. Needless to say, I fell apart. I want the marriage. She didn't say anything about the divorce again until Oct 19th. At that time, she told me she has retained an atty and is in the process of completing the filing. Not sure what to do at this point.

Hello, I am new to this forum. My husband and I have been together for 10 yrs and married for 8 yrs. We have alot of history together and have been threw so much, our counselor told us it is a miracle we are still together.
I had a drinking problem for the first 3 yrs of our marriage and H took on a caregiving and controlling role to keep me from killing myself from drinking too much. I got sober and our relationship totally changed because I was different but he stayed the same.
We always rug swept our problems and hold resentments from 7 yrs ago. I recently left because I discovered that he was texting 2 different women, 1 about sex. He claims nothing happened and he dosent know why he text them. I told him I will not put up with this again, because it happened many times before. (TEXTING WOMEN) He says he will not do it again but thats what he said before many times. I feel rejected and like he is stringing me along. I am a very attractive woman and I dont know why my H is such a flirt and cant just be faithful. HE claims that he loves me and dosent want anyone else.
We recently met with a marriage counselor and have another appt. to start on Tuesday. I am excited and scared that if this dosent work, it will be the end. I love him very much but dont know how to forgive him for this and stop thinking he dosent want me. It is literally making me sick.
We are currently living apart but spend ALOT of time together and spend the night almost everynight. Please tell me what to do from here and how can I get some peace.

Your decision- "not to give up" is the kind of attitude that Divorce Busting focuses on. I am happy to hear that you bought and read Michele Weiner-Davis' book- Divorce Busting. It appears that much of her advice has resonated with you. The next best decision you can make is to speak with a Divorce Busting coach. Our coaches can help you set specific goals and strategies. Please call us to schedule an appointment.
303-444-7004

Hi, I am truly a newbie. I hope I didnt wait too long to join this forum. I have been married to my W for 12 years and together for 15 years. I am 12 years older than my wife. Our marriage has been very good at times and very bad at times just like everybody. She left me in June 2012 for only two weeks. She came back because she said she didnt think she worked hard enough on the marriage. Fast foward to 5 months ago. I asked my W to start a family. She seemed somewhat surprised because she has been wanting children for about 10 years now and I kept putting it off. I know this was very selfish and stupid of me. We talked about kids before we married and knew we both wanted them. Honestly I have wanted to start a family for about 3 years now I just couldnt come right out and tell her fearing her reaction after waiting so long. I started dropping hints in hopes she would catch on and ask me if I was ready. No such luck. There are other problems in the marriage but I feel that they are manageable. This problem with babies in the at root of a lot of them I believe. 2 months after finally asking her about children we separated. It has now been 4 months and she is talking divorce. We have talked a few times about the M. She says she doesnt love me anymore and doesnt want to be married to me right now but she would like nothing better than to go out to dinner with me and just talk and have a good time then maybe in a couple years if we are meant to we will get back together but we have to get all this over with first meaning the D. I have been in solo MC since right after the split. I asked two times if she would go either with me or alone and she declined. I started GAL before I even knew what it was. I have read DR twice now and have tried different things I think I have some baby steps forward because she says thing like" your telling me what I want to hear but I wish you have said it way sooner" but then when I show confidence or something doesnt go her way she says things like" I am very uncomfortable around you" or " I am afraid of you". Which makes me feel awful. I have tried NC and this seems to work sometimes because she then will initiate contact. I love my wife very much I want to start a family with her she just needs to meet me halfway. She has told me she she sees changes in me but it is too late. My feeling is that she is mad because she never thought I would fight so hard to save our marriage and this is conflicting her. I am just worried that her pride will keep her from taking that leap of faith to trust me again and she feels the need to see the D through for that reason. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Hi all,
I started a thread, but it hasnt shown up yet.
Quick version:
H: 42 Me: 28
Married: 05/21/2011
Ilybnilwy: 10/2013
No ring: Two weeks

He is confused possible MLC, I am hurt but not ready to give.
I have been here before under the Emily23 screenname, new marriage, new problems = new account.

I am new to the forum and appreciate all the excellent advice I have been reading over the past few days.

I suspected H was texting OW about a month ago and confronted him. He admitted he was texting OW and that he has been unhappy for some time. I could tell he was VERY uncomfortable discussing this with me. I asked if he had slept with her. He said he had. I told him to get out (this is not his first A). He quietly packed and left. It has been almost 30 days and we are talking peacefully. We have both been to IC, but not MC just yet. I think he may need more IC before we attempt MC.

After the first few days of mourning, I started reading whatever I could get my hands on, including The Language of Letting Go by Beattie. I also started going to yoga three times a week and try to walk a mile every few days. This has helped tremendously (GAL!). I also try to spend time with my GFs at least once a week. I am working on several 180's. It is hard to stay committed to these sometimes.

I am in the house with the children and H has been staying with a friend. He mentioned over the weekend that he would like to move back home into the spare bedroom. I would love to have him back in the house but don't want to be overly anxious. I am afraid the 180s may actually be harder with him here, than having him completely out of the house.

I would appreciate any thoughts or advice.

Hi there new to this as is everyone at some stage. Scenario is after 18 years together and 9'years of marriage my wife wants a separation. I found out initially 2 weeks ago when she stated she wanted to take a break whilst I was going on a 2 week working trip. She needed space to sort her thoughts out. There is no third party. I returned after doing a major self analysis and made the decision to start by buying flowers and trying to be more romantic. I arrived back to the we need to talk and was told she wants a separation. She still wants to be my best friend and help out with the business so for the past 2 days I have been riding the roller coaster. I then advised we needed to talk and went through the various reasons to explain why I had withdrawn both sexually and mentally and that she was not the problem and I am now doing something about it. This made her angry as she stated why is it one that it's over you are doing all this, I advised that I couldn't hear what she was saying as our communication usually involved me barking at her as I was angry with my self.
Our situation is two fold that she didn't raise her concerns so lack of communication and I made some poor financial decisions and pushed her away. She advised we have been more like friends anyway. I do struggle with this as I want to really make this work and I feel I am now back on track. She is not willing as I believe she doesn't want to be hurt again, is very stubborn and has made her mind up. She states she loves me and always will but can't do this anymore.
I have started to get help to make me a better person and have started to let go even though it hurts. I'm taking it one day at a time. I need to make the changes for me, but I do hope she notices, and maybe starts to wander if she has made a mistake. She stated I can't just forget and forgive the last 18 years - which started at 3 and through conversation has gone to 18, and she told me that she had doubts when we got married. She advised she has lived her life trying to keep me happy as I do have depression which I'm getting help for and this has taken its toll. She now wants to put her first and reclaim herself. She is 37 I am 40. I do feel lost, but hopeful. I have started to make changes. The relationship is civil and we still watch tv etc it's just that in the same house she sleeps upstairs I sleep downstairs.

Welcome. I am new as well.

Hang in there!

Hello all. I'm extremely new to this. Where do I even start?
My wife and I have been married for 6yrs. We have two beautiful little girls. We have known each other since 8th grade. After graduation we didn't speak for 4 yrs. Obvisously we connected again and got married. We have worked very hard to get where we are at in life buying a house, the girls, etc. Anyways long story short.
I have recently had an affair. It was purely emotional. Texting and hanging out. She found out about it and everything has been moving very fast. Why did this happen? I don't know many reasons I suppose. I'm at a point where I realized I was wrong and I love my wife more then anything. I'm trying ecerything I can to save our marriage. I have cut those ties with the other. I'm looking for a new job because we do work together. I deleted her number in front of my wife. So much as gone on. She has agreed to work on it. I know a major issue is the trust I have broken. The lies I said. I also know it will not be an easy process. She has been seeing a counslor since our separation. I had just met with the minster who married us tonight. I dont or want to sign the papers in Dec.
Im not sure what I'm doing here. I'm lost in a lot of thoughts and I guess this might help. I'm open to anything right now. Thanks for taking the time to read this and I'm sure I'll post more. Thanks.

Hi, started a reply here and it went away. I'll try again, I started a new post I think, I submitted it but now I can't find it. Can any body help

Hi, I've tried to post twice yesterday and have not been able to find them, so I'll try again.

Been married 8 years as of sept 6, also that weekend is when see decided to drop the bomb. I know it's going to be a long road to travel.

Still can not find my post, help

Situation. Married 10 years, together 14
1 month ago had the talk that started with My life is grey I am aimless, I tried to kill myelf last year. I don't know what I feel.
Each weekend ( we have lived apart for the last 6 months due to job changes and it does not work well with us) another layer has been added to that initial conversation
I don't feel anything for you.
You detroyed my trust
I am seeing some one else.
He left early, said he wanted to think. Said that my moving over where he now lives would not work for him. Took my Divorce Buster book with him!

This weekend he is not home. He wa supposed to be here for a week but just left.
Knowing it was going to be awful for me.

Of course I did the pleading thing, and the logic thing and the sounds like depression talk. That was not a good idea although my doctor thinks it is depression.

So it really is a strange place to be.
I have read the books and do not want a divorce. He does not seem to have thought about what he wants, except to live for himself and have space. I am staying with I do not want to divorce. He does not want to tell anybody about us and is onvinced the people at work will not know about the affair.

I am trying to be myself and improve myself. I would agree with him that I have not been the support I should be and I can be controlling.

I am trying to figure out some reconciliation path or some way of maintaining contact without apppearing needy anx dependent.
He said he is coming home next weekend. I have no reason not to beleivz that is probably true.
I am really looking for advice on how to proceed.
I do not want to drive him into a corner where he makes up his mind simply because I am being controlling and over bearing ( I do know my flaws just haven't worked on them as much as I should.
I think we should organise to maintain some contact .
I don't have my book to read but do remember the 180, so am planning a version of that.
And what to do about the OW? I do not feel like we are in a place to discuss it, obviously it is still an exciting experience.She is still living with her husband and 3 children I asked if they were going to share his apartment he said no she gets her own in February.
He is extremely stressed, has begun smoking again after 15 years and looks miserable then gets extremely angry. He stopped being affectionate with me the week he started the affair. We have always been good friends and talked about everything with each other but for me to discuss how they met and what they are doing this weekend is just a little bit too weird. I was really calm when he told me. I didn't suspect but was still calm. Broke down when he left of course.
so advice folks.
I don't think the month of NC idea will work here, I would also think about visiting him some weekends if he would agree but do not plan to push it.
I have no clue what he is thinking. He did not say if he read the book or what his thoughts are. He made an arrangement to skype Monday. We used to talk twice aday until a month ago?
Any help, advice, what not to do would be gratefully received

Loualea.

I

Originally Posted By: Icecoldw

Still can not find my post, help

How to find my posts.

Click on your name or go up to "MY STUFF"

Click on Posts

If the person has lots of posts then click on TOPICS.

Hope that helps

I posted to a new thread a few days ago, but it still hasn't been approved. This whole sitch has been quite the lesson in patience. I am back and forth on my DB success. I do great for a few days--positive, busy, focused on me, giving him space, then I have a moment of weakness and try to push for more information from H.

He will be away for a few days so I hope I can get perspective and be a stronger version of me when he gets back. I miss being close to him so much. I have a appt to talk to my Pastor in a few days. Hopefully she can help me let go of the need for answers and just trust God. I know I have that mustard seed of faith, but sometimes it is hard to locate. I realize I need to focus on the moment because if I think of the future I panic, and if I think of the past (even if it is only 10 minutes ago) I get so angry and upset. Right now is the only moment I have any control over.

I have been on the site for about a week. My thread is here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...048#Post2399048

I have made a few more posts since the last ones shown, but I think they are still hung up in moderation for the time being.

I have been reading up on the list of resources Cadet gave me and it has been very helpful. Now I am just waiting "dim" for WS to give me an opportunity to practice my new skills and attitude.

I've been haunting these threads for a couple of weeks now, but I'm still not sure I have all the acronyms down. I'll try to make a thread with my story if I can figure out how it works.

Hi I'm new here as well. I made a quick thread but I guess I have to wait for moderator approval. I've never been on a forum where this kind of thing happens. Patience I guess.

Hello,

Here is a link to my thread :

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...420#Post2403420

It has been a really tough couple of months, but i'm trying to be the best me i can be.

Hi all! Nice to meet you.
I have been separated since end of March of this year.
I decided to join this board after being a silent watcher. I think this one will be more helpful than other boards I've been on,
which just seem to be full of angry bitter people and cheap reverse psychology tricks.

I'll do my best to condense our 8 month story to something manageable.

Our 5 year marriage had always been very happy between us. We loved and admired each other greatly. All who knew us, considered us to be the near perfect couple.
Over Christmas last year, my wife started to appear more distant with me. Myself and my family were heavily distracted with the failing health of my grandfather.
We had so many pressures on us as a couple at that point.
No privacy in a shared home, money worries, and in general worsening communication problems.
(I would later discover the big cause of those).

My wife had two friends who were very jealous of our relationship. They would not be outright nasty about me, but would empathise and support my wife's concerns. They wanted to see us apart. One of them had a dead loss boyfriend at home, the other was just your standard Don Juan type. He was also her boss.

Mid March, my wife dropped the bomb that she wasn't happy for the second time. Addressing all of my shortcomings.
My first "warning" came two days before the death of my grandfather. I just wasn't hearing my wife at the time.

I had noticed a declining sense of happiness in myself for the last two years. So I said that I would see a doctor the following day. I was diagnosed with depression.

4 days later, Bomb No.2 was dropped. I didn't stand a chance of getting back on my feet emotionally. She said that her feelings had changed and that she didn't love me like she did anymore. It had been a slow declinenof two years in her love for me. I received all the classic WAW stuff, and felt like she was pulling reasons out of the air to justify what she was doing.

Owing to my already down state at the time. I made all the classic mistakes of crying, reasoning begging etc. I'm mortified looking back. I try not to beat myself up over it. I wasn't well at the time.

Considering only two months before we were still very happy together and making long term plans together. This was sudden!

I immediately blamed her two friends and accused her of an affair with her boss. Not smart!

I'm still convinced she had an EA with her boss at least. But have nothing more than circumstantial evidence and vague memories of texts ending in kisses on her phone.

The month before she moved out swayed between good days and bad for us. Somedays we would talk cheerfully together, others I would crack again and we would have harsh verbal exchanges.

She moved out a month later. Saying she needed time to think.
I was not allowed to know where she was living, despite the fact I had no interest in knowing at all.

A month of weekly phone calls were cheerful. Until the 5th one where I learned that her feelings still hadn't changed. She wanted a divorce.

The next few months were horrific for me. I had no contact from her, with nothing but false stories and opinions fed to me by alleged friends. I took most of my frustrations out on her.
In the meantime, I worked on myself for both of us. Aqquiring a new home, worked all the hours I could to clear debts and try to return mentally anf emotionally to the man I was before.

I always had a good relationship wih my mother in law. She did her best to let me down gently for a couple of months until the day I offered to take her out for dinner for her birthday. I thought it may be my last opportunity.

Dinner was a surprise! My MIL immediately questioned this "two year decline". Instead of continuing to let me down gently, she dropped me many hints about what I needed to do and told me "I don't know when she's coming back. But continue doing what you're doing. I am not saying goodbye today".
That was a serious 180! Wasnt expecting that.

I had also noticed that the treatment I was receiving for depression, wasn't doing much.
I saw a therapist and as time went by I learned that I was actually suffering from an undiagnosed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Knowing that has made an amazing difference for me. I look back on my actions over the last few years and I'm mortified at how much my character had changed.

Communication between my wife and I has been friendly enough, still not wanting to reconcile though.
However, with a clearer head now I can see what I didn't see before.

My wife tells a mutual friend of ours the plain truth about where our relationship deteriorated, how unhappy she is and how she is struggling financially, how lonely she feels and how scared and homesick she is.
When my wife talks to me on the phone, she is quite cheerful, rewriting history and making out how happy she is. Her feelings still aren't there for me etc.

In October, I lost patience. Tired of playing this WAW game, I told her I wanted to to come to my apartment to discuss this divorce she wanted. I had gone to seek legal advice; as she was making no effort at all.
On the day of the meeting, she changed her mind and wanted us to meet at a neutral location. Still cheerful about the meet up. Like it was what she wanted.

I expected the truth about her and her boss to come out finally.
Instead, on arrival I met a woman who seemed like a shadow of my wife. Painfully thin, her eyes without the life they once had, without any money in her purse.

We discussed divorce for all of 45 seconds. Before she changed the subject and starting asking questions after questions about our past.
Why didn't we do this, why didn't we do that. She started lookimg tearful.
I knew she couldn't keep the cold hard act up in person, eye to eye.

I said that on our next meeting, I would give her all the answers she needed regards my shortcomings. I just wasn't ready to talk about the PTSD yet.
She once again criticised me for poor communication. It was the reason we were in this mess she claimed.

I wrote her a long letter, explaining my declining happiness and the PTSD. The reasons behind it.

This weekend she goes home to the US for Thanksgiving. I am hoping, during her holiday, she will relax. The resentment will drop and she will realise that she does still love me.
That our separation is just a temporary breakdown in communication that has got seriously out of hand.

I have been posting for days, none show up

Hi everyone. New poster. But I have been reading the forum for a few weeks and have read DR.

Together 10 yrs M9 With S4 and S8

M has been pretty stable until last year and I half when I suspected infidelity.

I noticed many changes in W. The makeup, perfumes, new hairdo, and the phone attached to her hip. Locking herself in the bathroom with phone, getting home from work later, and changes on how she behaves around me.

For a long time, i did many of the wrong things. I snooped, i followed her around the house and watched her every move. But the worst thing i believe i did was i coften confronted without solid evidence which she easily denied, and me ending up apologizing.

She used to say she will never do such a thing, and I am paranoid. She would cry and say how deeply hurt she was for my accusations. I apologize, but the thought of her infidelity was consuming me. This cycle went on for over a year.

Last oct., bd happened. I have found the forum and have read the insight on vets. I have been doing 180s, gal, going dim/dark, and nc.

This is just a quick intro on my sitch. Theres more that i would like to share. And hopefully, survive this whole mess with some guidance and wisdom from its members.Thanks

Hi, just dropping in to introduce myself here. Really in need of some advice.

I joined this forum and started a new topic last week and was hoping to get some advice from people after over a month of limited contact & being very disciplined.

Not sure how long it usually takes for the moderation, so my new topic appears, but in that time between posting last week and today I took a phone call from my wife and my situation has now changed slightly and may have undone much of the good work I have done over the past month.

It is frustrating that I might have handled the situation differently with a little advice on here if my post had appeared sooner.

How long does it usually take for the new topic to be approved?

New here, just joined.

It's been over 2 years since my wife left me and married another man and I am still hurting.

Me:53
Ex: 51
Married: 29 years
Together: 33 years
Divorced: 07/21/11
2 Sons: 31 and 29

Still hoping for a miracle, but lately loosing hope.

I've been a long time follower of divorce busters, but I haven't followed the techniques very well.
A quick summary:
My husband claims I "checked out" of our marriage a long time ago. I agree. I took for granted that he would always be there and our family would always be strong. We have been fighting frequently over the last couple of years, and sometimes sleeping in separate rooms. In late May, I got the bomb. Told me he couldn't do this anymore and said he was done. I've spent the last 6 months on and off divorce busting. Trying to employ techniques, then getting impatient and pressing him for answers and pressuring him to save our family and forgive me. I just found out about the OW about 2 weeks ago. Very difficult. She is a coworker and he did not want to break it off with her. She finally broke it off with him because she didn't want to be a "homewrecker".
My husband says he is not completely closed to reconciling, but typical ILYBINILWY. He believes that if we make up, we will go down this road again in years to come when we get "comfortable".
He blames me for EVERYTHING!! It's so hard to listen to sometimes. I need help! What can I do so that he'll see my hard earned changes? How can I practice patience when I just want my caring husband back?

Ok where to start. M41 W34 married for 7 years and together for 10 years. We have 5 children boys 7,8 and triplet girls who are 4. We were a very romantic and physical couple when single. Seven years later definite disconnect. I love my wife and felt we were the perfect couple but hind site shows me the feelings of neglect. Girls started preschool this fall and was the first freedom my wife has had in many years. Everyone refers to her as supermom including Facebook. Finally some attention from another man and all blew up. Feelings of neglect and entrapment all blamed on me and I feel awful because totally oblivious. To me on day we kiss and say I love you the next he hates me and wants out. She does not even want to try. Still in same home but has moved to another bedroom now. Many financial stresses took me out of character irritable and disconnected so I know some of the feelings are just. I have been slapped across the face and am awake and willing to change! Hate that I missed the signs and could have remedied with a little extra effort. Help I miss my wife!

Hi, married nearly 12 years, together nearly 14. Typical WAS stuff, 6 months of roller coaster, don't feel any closer to reconciling today than I did in May when I got the speech. Seems to be a common theme around here.

Read here for months before joining, good stuff. Made a new topic in newcomers, no idea where it went..lol
Thanks for the and for having me

I have been married 40+ years and am now dealing with being cheated on again. I am beside myself and think about this constantly. We are still together but the hurt is so bad I am not sure if we can survive.

Married 40+
Me: 59
Husband: 59

Hi

I'm new here and just posted an introductory new thread in the newcomers forum called 'On the Brink'. But I don't see it in the forum. Is that because I am on moderation?

I've been lurking here for a short while, and looking to join the forum for badly needed support and advice. Been with my husband for eight years, married for four, and we have two children. We're living together but apart and dealing with sex, money, work, family and drinking issues. I really need some advice with my 180s and happy to take a clue by four if and when it is required.

SJ

My world had come crashing down when W13 Y's told me ILYBNILWY. I realized that the last few years I had sank into a depression along with work stress I look back and see that I had really neglected my wife. I have never been one to show a lot of emotion but I see now that the last few years I did a lot if emotional damage to her. I got to where I never wanted to go out and socialize (that was something we always did) sex was almost non existant for 2 years. The medication I was on for anxiety pretty much knocked out any interest I had. (We had never had problems in this dept) I see a lot if things now that I didn't see when I was neglecting her (switched to a new medication and feel like the old me)
I had talked mean to her in numerous occasions and when she would make attempts to show me affection (hugs, kisses) I would just ignore her. I just felt numb and had no emotions. Anyway in May of this year she tried to talk to me about the way I was making her feel. I seemed to turn it around on her, blaming it on job stress and made her feel as though she was just attacking me. She tried to talk to me again in late June and I told her I would "try" and work on things, again turning it around to her fault but this time she was crying and just staring at the wall at our wedding picture. At that point, I realized that something was not right with me and I scheduled a Dr appointment and ended up getting on a different medication, Bam, fast forward about 3 weeks and I felt like my old self again! I experienced a flood of emotions toward her that I had not felt in 3 years, sec drive came back with a vengeance! Then in early August she sits me down and tells me that she had lost her feelings for me and is not sure she can get them back!
I was devastated! She is the love of my life, she has always done nothing but try and make me happy and I realized the neglect I had done emotionally. So I started the whole, beg. Mope, gifts the works. Drove her further away. I tried to reason with her that it was my depression and meds, but she did not want to hear it. We both tried everything we knew, we dated each other, left the kids with sitters, lots of sex, she said she wants to get those feelings back but doesn't know how long it if they will come back. In sept I got the ILYBNILWY speech, I hit Rock bottom, I constantly wanted to talk about our relationship, even after she said she started dreading coming home because she knew I was going to be moping around or want to talk! She agreed to counciling but after 1 ind visit he had her convinced that our relationship was doomed from the start (both first serious relationship, both young, ect) well the first of nov we started a separation. In hopes that she will miss me. Although I'm still around the house all the time, watching kids till she gets home, making excuses too come over just to see her. Mid nov she told me that she was not happy with me and we both deserve to be happy, so she filed for divorce. She included me in all talks with attorney and we have decided on everything from custody to assets to child support in our own. She says she has so much resentment towards me for the neglect that she can't see falling back in live w me. I am devastated, I physically hurt, lost 30 lbs that I didn't need to lose and can't sleep. Last week I came across this site and went out and bought DR book and read it front to back, I saw all the things a had done wrong and started the 180. I just think it may be to late, our waiting period is up in mid jan and us fastly approaching. I can see that her decision had not been easy on her as well. She told me the other day that her feelings have been gone for over a year now, she just worked up the courage to act in them.We get along recently better than we ever have our entire relationship but I just don't think I have enough time to Win her back and show her I am changing!

Hi I am a newbie,

I am from Asia and been married for 10 years we have a 6 yo daughter. My W asked for a D two months ago. Her reasons ILYBNILWY and all the fights in the past and she has no confidence and believe that the marriage can work. In 2005 I was working with her dad in his business and I stood as a company director for him as he is a bankrupt. In 2007 I was charged with CBT for some joint ventures that I was instructed to do by my FIL this went on for 4 years. After I was acquitted I face a civil case whee the other directors was claiming the money back from me of which none came to me.I have signed guarantees for his companies and in 2011 I was made a bankrupt. During that time I have transferred all my company shares to her name as her father invested in my company. She was looking after my finances, due to my fighting for my innocence I lost focus in my work as I was in and out of the court rooms.

He dad was in some financial rut with loan sharks and he used my company to take a bank loans and she signed as guarantee. The company has gone down the drain and she is facing legal issues and blames it all on me as she is a bank officer. My FIL did not even apologies or even offer to help pay off my debt and for the past 6 years I have been working like a dog to bring my self up and I have never blamed her as I did it as her H to help her family. She is a very insecure and complex person and I am always the one to give in regardless if I am right or wrong but she has been sympathetic towards me. With all this I started to focus on my work and find my way back home to my wife as I did not want to see My FIL when I looked at her. Last year she had a miscarriage and according to her some thing died in her and said that I wasn't there for her. Sometime in December last year she went for a holiday with another guy and I found out and confronted her with the evidence. I let it go as she said that nothing happen and decided to put effort in the marriage at the same time working late hours to bring money home and at the same time going to the gym with her 3 times a week thing were getting better but She says that our marriage/ life is too mundane. She has been posting self pic on Instagram some are only in lingerie which was taken by my little girl and some lurid ones which I don't know of. I got involve in this ordeal even though I did not like it. But she started getting angry when I spoke to some of her fan cause she did want them to know that she was married. She constantly on her company phone and very secretive around and not wanting me to know whatever she doing. Money wise she has none as all her bill and debt are piling up and she is also about to be a bankrupt.

Six months down the road the banks are putting pressure on her and I am still fighting hard to get income to settle every debt we have. She asked for a D and to her I am the enemy everything that I do is not right to her and her colleagues mor like her staffs ase giving her support for whatever she is deciding and even depriving me time with my daughter when they have not seen the other side of the coin. She wants an amicable D but I said no. I have done all of research and found TDR The Divorce Remedy. I have read and finish the book and I am on a second round to understand it better cause all I have done so far has not work. We are still living In the same house but sleeping in separate bed rooms. I believe that this marriage can work as I am against D. I have 10 siblings and My parents have been together for 58 years and still going strong where as her parents have been separated for more than 15 years he mum stays with her partner and her dad with his second wife had a teenage girl and a son with a third wife which the second wife do not know about. She has 2 brothers 1 step sister and another step brother with her other second stepmom. Her 2 brother are in the illegal business and so is her dad who is a crook for cheating a lot of people. I am in a financial rut right at the bottom of the pit determined to climb back up in life with lots of prayer for all my friends and family as they supports me with my determinatin to work on my marriage.

My situation is long and if you have any questions please do ask as I willing to share to get any light that can help me.

I am very collected at the moment and looking after and loving myself for the sake of my daughter. What she doing is very selfish and cruel.

Unbreakus.

I have introduced my self and my post did not appear.

Hello everyone.

Just found this site while searching for some experience with wives having affairs.

Quick version: Got blindsided at the end of September. W wants separation. May reconcile but only with separation. A week later my company went bankrupt. Now unemployed.

My side: I've been having depression problems related to stress for the past 5 years. Been sober in AA 19 years. Love my kids and wife dearly. Been short tempered and not much fun during this time. Missed family trips-put work first. Put my financial insecurities first and did not listen to my wife's dreams about her life etc...Her heart hardened and I was in denial. I take full responsibility in cleaning up my side- counseling now, more time with kids, trying to change my attitude and lots of soul searching.

What she's done: She started drinking after 16 clean years 2 years back. Never said she was unhappy with marriage. After a while she started going to hear mutual friends band at clubs. Then coming in very late 2-3 times a week. I was home with our kids. Said she was out with friends. 2 months ago I got proof from reading her logged in FB that she's having sex with a guy I know. Both deny it. She says she's doing nothing wrong and won't stop. All our old mutual friends are very sad she's living this way especially because of the children.

Hi

I am new to the forum and figured I would share my situation, I have been married to my wife for 5+ years now and she is wanting to seperate. We have been having issues for awhile due to i found out she cheated on me 2 years ago. We worked through those issues and now another issue came up about 5 weeks ago. I will not go into detail about it because it was something i did to her and I am ashamed of what I did, and no i did not cheat on her. With this issue that happened she is not able to get past it and said that she is not able to be intimate with me. She does not like it when i hug, attempt to kiss or even try to be close to her. She tells me that she needs to seperate and see if she can get over what happened.

Now she has said that right now she is not looking for a D and is going to PC, which i am also going to PC. We are going to try at least 1 MC to give it a go and see if we can fix our M.

I discovered my husband's affair with his boss on 8/25/13 from a text message she sent to his phone. I confronted him about it and he admitted that they had been sexually intimate for five months. We have been married 21 years and have two daughters, 17 and 13. I immediately asked him what he wanted to do, leave or work on our marriage - I was so shocked because (as many people usually think) that my husband was the LAST person on earth who could do something like this.
We started counseling a few weeks after the discovery and at first it was just alot of anger. He said he felt he had grown apart from me for a few years and started working later hours and keeping busy on the weekends to stay out of the house. He said he felt empty for a long time, that we were no longer as affectionate as we were and our sex life had become routine and too far apart. I too felt we had been growing apart a bit and had been sniping at eachother for awhile, but I also thought that this was just a slump that long time married couples go through, that eventually we would always work everything out together. He said that even a year or two ago he had envisioned a different future, possibly one without us being together but had NEVER said anything to me. All our family and friends always thought of us as the stable, good couple that would always stick together - so did I.
Once I finally heard the things that were making him so unhappy and feel empty I mistakenly just poured it on - turning on the affection, wanting to talk, spicing up our sex life. Doing everything wrong I guess because he saw it as "why now, why all of a sudden, I don't believe it's genuine". He had trust issues!
I have trust issues too, especially as he still works at the same job and still has contact with his affair partner on a daily basis. I kept checking his phone for texts and emails (I did find that he invited her to watch him play soccer when I was with our daughter at a school event) just a few weeks ago. After that it was just back to the blame game on both sides, with me getting so stressed out and anxious that I've had to go on antidepressant meds and have lost over 20lbs.
I suggested that we spend some time apart, it seemed so obvious that being at home was too stressful for both of us - that one weird look or one thing said in a strange tone would set the other off. Our counselor agreed and he went to stay with his cousin last week, we told our girls last night. We didn't see eachother for six days, after three I asked him to come home, how can you work on being together when you are apart?! In any case, he still wanted to have time apart to "make sure I'm coming back because I WANT to come back, not just for the kids". I get the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" stuff at counseling.
So there it is in a nutshell. For my husband it has been at least two years since he felt a separation, enough to have an affair with someone else. For me it has been only three months since I have felt the worst pain I could ever imagine, made worse by the fact that I never stopped loving him or feeling that we wouldn't always be together.
We have worked out some plans on how to be in contact during our separation, either with the kids together or with him and just the kids or having "date nights" with just the two of us. My biggest fear is that this will be enough for him, that he won't feel he can love me again like he once did. How can you work on intimacy when you live apart? I read the 7 steps to Saving your Marriage a few days after he left, wish I had gotten it much sooner.
Any advice or help would be sooooo appreciated.

Hi, I'm new to this forum.

My problem is: My wife doesn't want to spend any time with me. In this married life, I'm spending all my evenings alone, mostly bored in front of the tv. Where is my wife then? She's not working, drinking, or out with friends. She's in bed, beside our son. She's not ill, or disabled or anything. She just prefers it this way. It seems she's not interested in me anymore.

We've been together for 18 years; living together for 13 years. 3 years ago we married. This didn't change much in our relationship, which was generally good. But then, my wife wanted to start a family. I dreaded the idea, but went along with it, because she wanted it so badly. Well, now that we have a 2-year old son, this turned out to be worse than I feared. Our relationship is totally over.

There's nothing wrong with our son; he's healthy, sweet and pretty smart. But my wife can't relax. During the daytime, life is extremely stressful in this home; she's all the time busy with him, and demanding my help in this all the time. There's no time for 'us'. And in the evening, when he's in bed, she is too. His cot is beside her bed in (what used to be) our bedroom. She always goes to sleep beside him, at the same time as him - around 9pm. Also during daytime naps she goes to bed beside him. I sleep in another room.

She works 2 days a week, and admittedly on those days she needs to get up early. But not on the other days. I've often asked why she doesn't want to spend evenings with me. The reply is always something like "she's just so tired now". She also says that in the morning she wakes up inevitably when our son wakes up, which is often quite early (though not always). So I've proposed that I would sleep beside him for a while, so she can sleep well. She won't have it. She also often complains "last night I lay awake for so many hours" - apparently that happens even when the boy sleeps soundly through the night. Well obviously she doesn't sleep all the time while she's in bed, because nobody needs that much sleep! So I suggest that, if she'd just stay up until she's really tired, I'm sure she would sleep well. But no, she won't have any of that. It seems she's just making up excuses to get away from me and to be with him.

As you might imagine, there's also no sex whatsoever. Last year, I proposed it a few times and we tried it (in my bed). But it was just a rushed on-and-off before she sped back to her own room. Not very enjoyable. So I don't bother suggesting it anymore.

Everything suggests that she's not interested in my company anymore, and the only reason she hasn't thrown me out of the house yet is that she needs my help in taking care of our boy. I'm not a husband, I'm a servant.

I can't even talk with her about this subject anymore, because every time I bring it up, she gets upset and starts crying, that "I should be more considerate of how hard it is for her" and stuff. And of course, then it's my fault that she doesn't sleep the next night.

I often consider leaving. But I don't really want to lose her; I love her! But on the other hand, I feel like I've lost her already! What I really want is to get her back. But what can I do?

Hi everyone,
This is the link to my story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...936#Post2408936

Me and my H have been separated since May,
Affair started in Feb.2013
H moved in with her and took our son with him on 6th Aug.2013
H and OW split up and H moved out from OW's house 21th Oct.2013
H now lives in a flat alone

hello every one who see this post, I have been struggling to understand what is going on with my wife of 25 years. December of 2012 my wife left me, said that she loved me but not as a husband any more. we have been at odds with each other for a little bit, because of the pressure on a job I had out of town. it was a job that was supposed to last six months and turned into three years. anyway after she left she came back after a couple of weeks and we stayed together until the end of august 2013. at which time she left out of the blue again. this time she moved to a different town with a new boy friend and has been gone every since. while we were together for that short time she had two affairs that she admitted too and was making like she was sorry and wanted to move forward, one month later she is gone moved out and living with another man in the town she moved to.that was the end of august 2013 she said at that time she was filing for a divorce and as before she loved me but not as a husband. now as of November 2013 she left that man and is as of now dating two men she meet on craigslist, which seems to be where she finds all the men she has been dating. as far as I know right now by her admission its around six different men since she left. I guess I'm trying to figure out if this is a mid life crisis or a walk away spouse. I have read a lot of posts, but don't have enough experience to call it what it is, so I was hoping I could strike up a conversation with some vets who have put time in to help me get through this. there is more if any one is interested in chiming in.

Hello! I tried to post a couple of months ago and I am not sure what happened, but I had to re-register and here I am now! I have been reading many posts here and following along with some of the threads, and it has helped me so much already. Here is my sitch:

Let me start by saying I am boyfriend busting, not divorce busting so that is one reason that I didn't try to post again sooner. I am very confused how my relationship plays into all of this being that we are not even married. That is the problem that got me here, my pressuring my BF to get married...and I ended up pushing him right out the door! We have been together for four years, and lived together for two until Aug. 1 2013 when we moved apart.

Geez, it is hard to know where to start but I will try to sum it up.

We started out casual and fell madly in love. I was recently separated at the time and I thought it was just a rebound situation. It turned out that we were inseparable! So in love!

About a year into our relationship I decided that I needed a break because I was having thoughts of being free and single and since he was in between jobs and trying to figure out his career, I thought we may not be ready for a relationship. I was questioning it all and I broke up with him despite still being in love. This is my biggest regret but something I felt I had to do. He was devastated. I was very honest with him the whole time and we still saw each other, but I was pretty much doing my own thing. After about 6 months and when I realized he was actually moving on, I decided I had enough fun (didn't have that much anyway), I missed him terribly, and I knew I didn't want to lose him. He was amazing with my 2 girls, he loved us all so much. We decided to move in together and talked about getting married once our careers were on track.
Madly in love again...living together was a dream.

Everything was great for the first 6 months. Then I lost my job. I found a new one and that didn't work out. Then I found another which went up in flames as well. Finally found a new job and it was good at first but it didn't end up being what I thought. Needless to say I was very financially stressed out, and BF pretty much acted like it was my problem. His career was still in limbo (he is trying to become a firefighter and works 2 jobs, one volunteering and the other didn't pay much). We were always strapped, but never blended finances. He moved into my place so just paid me rent and I took care of everything else. I became pretty depressed, which I know caused me to push him away. He was always so sweet and loving and supportive, until it came to finances. Everytime I told him how I was going down financially, he would say he didn't know how he could give me more money, and would get mad. I tried telling him that I didn't need ore money, just a plan! I just wanted him to help me decide if we should get a cheaper place (rent was a lot), or do some cutting back, etc. Basically wanted him to work as a team with me. This took such a toll on us, because I could not understand why he turned a blind eye when I was struggling.

As I was getting into my new job, I was playing catch up financially, my ex- MIL passed away. We were always very close, despite my split from her son, the father of my children. I was so sad and grieving and on top of the finances, I just lost it. I tried to get through to BF and got 5 Love Languages for us to read. He tried, but we didn't stick with it. I tried emailing him and asking for specifics from him, since I had read somewhere that men need specifics. That didn't work. I got so frustrated and I began telling him I wanted to break up. He said no, I was just depressed, stressed, etc. but never offered any solutions to the issues. I asked him to help me look for new places and he would just say that we couldn't afford to move. I was desperately trying to tell him that we couldn't afford to stay!
Long story, but I ended up giving him an ultimatum...and we fought. Something that we never did, and cannot stand to do with each other. He really is the nicest, most loving person I know. I forced him to talk about our R and pushed so hard that he ended up saying that he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to marry anyone, even me. I was extremely fragile and hurt at this point. I broke it off...and we decided to move out. I changed my mind after I was too late and he got a place with a roommate.
Begin humiliation phase...begging, crying, apologizing, trying to fix. He was very distant. I ended up moving 1 1/2 hours away, to my moms. It has been four months.
Sorry this is so long...
When we parted he said it wasn't over he was just confused and that this would be the best thing for us to do. He said he was sick of me playing games and breaking up with him but he still loved me and "everything will work out".
For the first 2 weeks I initiated texting only. He would always respond but never initiated. After two weeks he started to initiate, saying he missed me etc.
We started to see each other and gradually chatting more. We see each other about once a week now, if possible (still plans mostly initiated by me), and we are making love and going on dates.
The times we are together are wonderful, like old times, except that he is still somewhat guarded I can tell. I have been DBing, and I know that is what has been working...but I feel like we are in limbo now, and I had a big setback on Thanksgiving when he made plans without me and I was upset. He had avoided the topic and ignored me when I asked about it even though he knew I would not have my kids and could be with him. I was very sad, and he apologized the next day, twice, but I feel that caused him to back off a little bit. I haven't heard from him in a few days...and when I saw something he posted on instagram that I didn't like, I said something last night (very nicely) and I am worried it was another backslide.
The problem for me is my insecurity. No matter how much contact and how great things go, I am still scared that we will not move back in together.
Since the split, we have both gotten new jobs, mine starts next week. Things are looking up on all counts and I am moving back near him, but I know he won't be ready to move in and I am having such a hard time with the uncertainty.
I have come here for some clarity, since I think I may be being irrational.
I have issues from my marriage ( my husband up and left me out of the blue one day...which I now know wasn't out of the blue, but it was very traumatizing for me needless to say). I think this has trickled over into this relationship and I just want to fix everything and get my sweet, loving boyfriend back. I have so much guilt. I am scared I may lose him for good.
Maybe this is what I get for breaking up with him the first time...and hurting him. I don't know.
Help!

Dear Divorce Busters,

I was told about 6 weeks ago (before Halloween) by my husband of 20 years that he did not want to spend the next 20 years with me and wanted to move out. Over the next 3 weeks, we had long talks into the night, lots of sex, but nothing would budge him. In the second 3 weeks since the bomb dropped, I decided that all the discussions were pushing him farther away, and decided to just touch him lovingly in bed and have nice discussions of our day and family in bed and at dinner. The strangest thing is that in all this time (the full 6 weeks since his announcement), he was kind and happy within the context of our family - nice to me, nice to the kids, played games all together, requested certain dinners which I made for him and he thanked me for, gave me kisses at the beginning and end of every day and acquiesced to going on 2 dates. But 2 days before Thanksgiving, he informed me that he got the keys to an apartment and was moving out 2 days after Thanksgiving. 2 nights before he moved out, he snuggled up to me and spooned me in bed. There has been no awkwardness or tenseness in our daily interactions in the home before he moved out: People would find hard to believe, but it's true.

We told the kids on Friday -Boy, 11, girl 8, they were devastated and so am I. He moved out on Saturday. I am so sad and oddly, even though one of the characteristics that has pushed him away from me is that I get angry and yell at him on occasion, I am not angry at him and am having the hardest time accepting this. I have been anxiety-ridden all the time the last 6 weeks. He says he has been feeling this for a long time - He is not in love with me anymore - but he never said anything! I just don't understand how the problems between us are not worth working on - they do not seem so deep compared to other couples'. Any help or support appreciated. Thank you.

Hi everyone

I'm Barrybran, 30yo male from country New South Wales in Australia. I'm married with three kids and I'm here because I was unfaithful to my wife (inappropriate online interactions) and she has recently decided to separate.

My thread is here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2410333#Post2410333

I have messed up big time but I do see a future with my wife. I understand that it will take time and patience and she may never come back but I would appreciate advice from anyone about my situation, particularly anyone who has cheated and successfully reconciled.

Hi, Scott here and my wife told be 7 weeks ago she was done and wanted a divorce. (we've been married 9 years and have 2 boys) I dont want to give up but she has already contacted an attorney and filled out initial paperwork, but has not filled yet.

The main reason she is done is because of my drinking but she also admits that she is blame as well, but does not want to try and fix our relationship

W states its too late and the Damage has already been done and her heart is hardend now.

original thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2410411#Post2410411

Hello, dx...

I am new here also, but unfortunately not new to the heartache you describe! I just wanted to say, I am so sorry you are going through this and it will get better each day. I know it is so confusing.

What helped me the most early on was exercise. I would do yoga, hot yoga. It was (and still is) hard sometimes, and there are even times when I cry during class. The good thing is it doesn't matter because I am hot and sweaty and no one can tell. It is a great, healthy release...it will help a lot with your anxiety. Just make sure to drink lots of water!

Afterwards you will feel better too.

Just some thoughts and sending hope and hugs your way

Hang in there.

Needing more: Thank you so much - it feels good to get a kind reply! And I will try yoga again - I do love it, but fell out of the habit. It was a difficult morning: children were emotional and I have an urge to share with husband, but am trying to heed advice to "go dark" or reduce contact. I will look for your posts already on board,

dx

Hi,
I am a 50 year old husband whose wife on sept 11 told him that we are not compatiably and loves me but doesnt want to live with me any more. we've been married for 22 years and have 3 children 15,19 and 21. I've done all the wrong things since that day. Now im at the desperation part. Told her to get it done.... and oh boy did she. The filing for divorce was done on the 22 of november and i just got informed on the 2 of December. Called her with the thanks of all the 33 restrianing order items.
She said its just the normal doc paper stuff they file.
How ever this morning i talked to her and she said she'd go to counseling with me. Lost and confused... Is this a tactic on her part or is it sincerely an attempt. The lies havent stopped throught the days since... I'm not sure what to think or do... Just go with it and hope for the best or play hard to get still?

Hi,
Just had the worst week of my life. Have been going to Counselling every Tuesday for 5 weeks with W trying to get our 21 year marriage back on track, with have 4 boys.

I didn�t treated the counselling too seriously as I believed the problem lay with W, but wanted the outcome of a sex life back in our marriage as did W.

We definitely had/have relationship issues, in fact the �The Sex starved Marriage� reads a lot like our relationship.

So Counsellor suggested we try a night away, I had a business trip on a Friday so suggested to W to join me and we�d stay overnight. We had a great night out, bit too much alcohol and of course I pushed for sex. The sex wasn�t great for either of us so I got upset but kept it to myself.

A week later we are out on a Friday night after work with colleagues, yes we work together as well, a good night was being had by all. W made an innocent remark and I flew into a rage but kept it reasonably under control in front of our colleagues but W was in no doubt that I was angry.

Later at the end of the evening in the cab home I gave full vent to my resentment, spilling bile about lots of crap, calling W names, telling W she has a drinking problem and that she�s a sponge on me and my company.

Woke up Saturday morning and W was not in our bed, so resentment built up again, W had slept on the couch. Not satisfied with what I said on the cab ride home I decide I had to torture W even more, so I went for the jugular, I said I wanted a Divorce, W has to move out asap and that W is not getting access to the kids.

Of course W was completely shocked and stunned but I didn�t care, I let W stew all day. W took to her bed and when I went in to the room W had tears in her eyes which I viewed as success.

I slept on the couch and waited a whole 24 hours before saying to W that I might have been hasty, W thought about it for a few hours and said No she wants a divorce. I thought yea right, that�s going to happen, W will change her mind when we get to counselling on Tuesday.

Things were tense Sunday night and Monday but I thought come Tuesday Counselling session I can put this down as a �blow out� by me and that we�ll get back on track to W being the problem.

During the session we both explain some of what�s happened and W reiterates she wants a Divorce. Councillor does her best to try and smooth the situation but asks what we want to do next.

I say I want to fight for our marriage and W says she wants a divorce, then a discussion ensues about divorce, the kids need to be the focus etc. At this stage I'm thinking what�s going on here.

I have never see W so determined, W recalled all the time I�d been mean to her over the last 12 months. W was so focused on the decision she has made and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have finally push W too far. W is serious about this, the adrenaline flowed into my stomach, butterflies and an over powering desire to vomit came over me. I asked to be excused to go to the toilet and dry wrenched a few times.

Came back to the session to suggestions that I should leave the bed room to provide space between W and myself. Wasn't able to concentrate but more was said and a nightmare picture came into my head. More adrenaline flowed into my system and I couldn�t take anymore so I asked could I leave while choking back tears and said to W see you at home.

Drove around for a while, trying to decide if I should just get drunk to numb the sickness in my stomach or try and plead with W to keep trying.

Settled on having one large JD and coke while trying to reflect and then it hit me, what a �c***� I�ve been and have been for the last few years, probably the last 4 years.

I felt W was right she deserves happiness after all the crap I�ve put her through, I felt I don�t deserve W and that she has tried her best to keep us together.

Slept on the couch Tuesday night, couldn�t sleep, all the nightmare divorce scenarios are running through my head.

Couldn�t talk to W as I was a mess. Went to work Wednesday, couldn�t concentrate, still can�t talk to W. Lurch between feeling sick and wanting to cry. Sleep on the couch again, can�t sleep nightmare divorce scenarios running through my head again. Thinking I�ve absolutely blow it.

Thursday still can�t concentrate on work so start looking for sites to help with where I am, arrange a private session with our counsellor for tomorrow at 6 pm. Do a search for �getting back with your ex� and find this site. 1st site I found with a positive message to saving marriage. Read a few post and felt a positive vibe on the site.

Registered and staring reading chapter 1 of �The Divorce Remedy�, wow blew my mind. I don�t have to accept that the relationship is dead, I may have lost a battle but I intend to win the war.

I�ve order the book, express delivery it will be here on Saturday.

I will question the counsellor on her attitude to marriage and divorce but I don�t thing I have anything to worry about re the counsellor but better to be safe than sorry.

Feeling so much better already, I have a goal and a focus, fight for our relationship. I know I�ve been a miserable husband for the last 4 years but I now want to learn and change. I can�t wait for the book to arrive.

It won�t be an easy road I know but at long last I realise what I want more than anything, W, our kids and our beautiful home. Tears in my eye so I�ll sign off now.

Hello Everyone,
I have had the most difficult year. My H and I have been together for 28 years and married for 24. H had an EA in 2003. We didn't seek any C at that time. I have had trust issues since then. At the beginning of this year, I felt my husband pulling away. I went into I need to catch him mode, as I was sure he was cheating on me. Anytime I read the signs to look for, H matched the list, he matches many things in the MLC area too. Well after several bad fights things continued to spiral out of control, H was very mean and fights got bad, never had happened before. H insists no A, and no concrete proof. H moved out 7/25/13, and was living in camper, H moved home 9/21/13, we live in the northern US, camper got cold.
H continues to tell me he is not sure he wants to live another 30 years married to me and not being able to live with my distrust. H feels that he can not be his outgoing flirtious self being M to me. Since I get so jealous.

I have read several books and I understand my role in our problems. I am trying to change!! We had a good marriage! We did everything together and everyone thought we had a good R until this year. After H moved home we sleep in same bed but H has a wall around him and doesn't want to get hurt again. I have lost a couple pounds, feel great about myself, and I want to have a our relationship back. I find myself with no patience, and feeling rejected sexually and emotionally by spouse daily. We are very polite and getting along fairly well, when at home, as roommates. We lead a active social life and when we go out things go BAD!! So attempting to not go out together very much, which hurts since we did everything together.

H found out he has cancer 1 week after moving home, which has complicated the R. He caught the cancer early and its stage 0, and will complete radiation next week and hopefully will be feeling better by Christmas. The outcome is as good as one can hope for in regards to his cancer!!

I have tried to concentrate on me, but I work fulltime and go to school online taking 2 -3 classes per semester. Both Sons left home this year, another hard one.
I know I need to concentrate on me and give him space and let him miss me. At this time H is keeping mental ledger of every offense I have made in the past 20+ years. The list is long, most things I don't remember!!! I have many personality flaws and H blames many things on me, which is hard on my poor self esteem. In the past year, being very scared, hurt and an emotional wreck. I have made many bad choices in public around others and have not kept things private. H has not shared any details with anyone. H no longer trusts me because I shared too much with others. When I have a problem I like to talk to others about it, ALOT! Two weeks ago, I made him a promise to not talk to anyone about us, trying to change:)

There is still talk of D. I want the R back, NOW!!! I need patience and my feeling get hurt so easily. I think if he let his wall down and forgave me and himself, we could get back to a great R. We have seen a MC a few times, whatever she suggested he didn't want anything to do with it. I continue to see my counselor.
I have read 3 of DB books, I fall apart when I read of people waiting months and years for their spouse to want to be in the M again. I do not want to go that long without any affection, I am starved for affection.

ltdmtp, so sorry you find yourself here. Copy and paste this as a new topic in the Newcomers forum, and you will get a ton of great advice and support. Also make sure you keep posting so you can get off moderation!

Hang in there.

Hi sweetie!

Welcome to divorcebusting.com, officially!

Like your new friend, melissaag, we agree that you should post in Newcomers, our forum that our vets (long-time divorce busting members that are very familiar with Michele's works, are very familiar with midlife crisis angst and solutions, and/or also very familiar with the issue related to infidelity in marriage, and the related nuances for solutions.

Please feel free at ANY time to click 'NOTIFY' to obtain a moderator's advice or action.

All the beet -

Hi All,

Unfortunately, I am new here. My wife and I are not yet separated or even talking about divorce. I am thinking about it, due to intimacy issues, but I am trying this first. I read SSM recently and I realized I am the high-sexed partner in my marriage. Everything used to be normal between us and now it has all changed and I every time I bring up sex or intimacy I get spurned. But let me give you more background on my situation first.

I am 30 years old, and my wife is 28. I have been with my wife for 10 years. We dated for 3 years, we were engaged 5 years, and have been married 2 years. Our relationship has been long distance on several occasions due to school and work, and I lived with her for about 2 years before we were married. We have only lived together as married couple for about 6 months. This is when the trouble started.

We got married when she was in her last year of law school. At the time I was working in New York and she was going to school in Washington. We talked everyday by phone, and were intimate over the phone, and talked about everything during the 3 years she was away. I would visit every 3 to 4 months. Out of law school she was offered a job in Colorado and she took it. It took me about a year to get my work to let me telecommute.

During that time I noticed the phone calls got less intimate. And she lost whatever sex drive she had. I saw her four times before I moved in and every time our encounters became less and less intimate. The last two times I think she had sex with me just to pacify me. I would say we haven't made love in over a year.

I moved in with her in August and we have not had any sex what so ever. We haven't made out. She won't let me touch her other than on her hands, or feet or hair. I can't french kiss her or do more than kiss her a few times on the lips. If I try to touch her legs or midriff she moves my hand or tells me to stop. I have only seen her naked in the shower, and she won't change in front of me. In bed she uses her own blanket and uses it as a barrier against me. If I try to cuddle she complains or moves my arm or leg.

I have tried to be patient, but I am really starting to fray around the edges. I have asked her to read SSM recently, but any time I bring up the topic of intimacy she just dismisses it as me just wanting to get in her pants. When to tell the truth and as I have told her I just want to cuddle.

As far as I go, I know she is in love with me still I see it in her eyes. I just have no way to connect to her other than mentally and it is driving me crazy. I was good for about a month after I read SSM, but recently I have once again started to toss and turn and can't sleep in the same bed anymore. I have to go to the living room and watch a movie or play a video game just to not think about it so I can settle my mind and maybe get a few hours of sleep.

I know she has it rough since she failed her bar exam and has put on a few pounds (e.g. 10 pounds is noticeable on her since she is petite), and works long hours, but all I want is to feel the connection we used to have. I have heard all these things from her lips and I think this is what is causing her issues, but I don't bring them up because I don't want to fight. It seems like she lacks confidence.

On my end I know I have acted angry and blown up and acted passive or dismissive. After I read SSM I have tried to stop these actions, but it doesn't seem to have had much effect.

Any advice would be appreciated.

______________________________________
M 30 W 28
Married 2 years

I am sorry you have found yourself here, however I am glad you found SSM. The next step would be to talk to a SSM DB coach. Your coach will help you come up with a specific plan on how to stay on track and not only change how you interact with your partner in intimate situations, but on a daily basis that can bring the two of you closer and not further away. Take care and I would look forward to talking to you.

I'll try to keep it brief! I've been lurking for a while but thought it was time to join in.

First BD, when I found out about the EA was Aug 2012. I finally realised that I had to work on my own personal issues that had been affecting both myself and our marriage. H and I tried MC but he decided not to go after two sessions. I continued seeing the therapist for my issues only. I felt I couldn't work on the marriage until I was 'sorted'.

Second BD was December 2012. ILYBINILWY!!! And the usual follows, rapid weight loss, upside down, inside out emotions, but I refused to throw H out. I told him it was his decision to make, I wasn't going to make it for him. He continued to live at home, often saying he was leaving, until Sept 2013. The EA affair has fizzled out because the OW has backed off. I think it was more on his side than hers.

After doing a lot of reading I came across MLC, and a lot of it seems to fit H. I have continued to work on and mostly overcome my issues and it has opened up a whole new world to me. I am slowly GALing, and doing stuff I never dreamed I could do.

My main obstacle, drama, call it what you want, is that H and I run a business together. We have a lot of contact via phone and on actual jobs together. At times this is VERY difficult. It is just not possible for either of us to get out of the business for another couple of years. We both admit we work well together too.

H was given the (edited) book recently. He has read it and says he agrees with it and that he has HAD a MLC, and now the issue is that I have been pushing him away and not showing affection for years. I will admit that the past couple of years I have been pushing him away somewhat, mostly in response to his mood swings and depressed state, but I don't think it's been for years like he says. We have talked over past issues and both agree that rehashing it isn't getting us anywhere and we try not to bring past issues up anymore.

And to now, I'm continuing to GAL, have recently signed up to do a diploma course (gulp, study!!!!!), and I am affectionate to H when I see him. I try not to mention our relationship too often, he does bring it up as well though. He recently told good friends of ours who know the whole situation that he was going to move back home, but he continues to tell me that he isn't ever moving back. He doesn't believe that I have changed because I want to, he thinks its because I feel I have to so he will come back.

And I was trying to keep it brief!...........

As you said, hard to keep things brief when there's so much to sort out. Working with your spouse both literally and fuguratively during these difficult times is no small feat. As you say, as business partners your interaction is essential. I strongly encourage you to seek the help of a Divorce Busting Coach. DB Coaches can help you focus on partnership goals. As you mentioned, you are both tired of rehashing the past and getting no where. Please call us to start learning how to say and do things differently. Positive change is on the way. 303-444-7004

I am struggling to maintain detachment as my wife still lives with me but stated she 'feels disconnected from the marriage and it is over'. I started a post already, big susprise that, following instructions!

20 years married, 4 children, 2 still at home.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...668#Post2412668

so I have been posting in MLC board, but it was recommended that I jump over here for a while'

I thought I would play with fire today instead of doing my usual keeping dark. she has been making more contact, almost daily just small talk really. but she has been calling me by my name more and using the pet name "love" more often when she addresses me, so I thought I would experiment and see if she would respond to a little flirt. just a corny little flirt "have i told you your smile melts my heart" see told you it was corny

but I will see

Joe,

Our stories are very similar in that my wife tells me I don't make enough decisions and have an opinion. I would encourage to find ways to share your opinion and pick the restaurant so to speak.

Good Luck!

Me 37, she 41, T 10.5 M 7.5 56 days ago bomb. I had jealousy in the early years, worked through it. I have done some stupid things while drinking and 56 days ago too. She says she is done. Live together, 2 step kids, 1 grand kid. We can not live separately ($$) until we sell the house. It's good days and bad days. Sleep together, no sex (I wish), she has not filed. I've been following do's/don'ts. Last night her co. Christmas party. Started 5P she came home 2A. Neither would cheat and she says she doesn't want anyone else, she wants to D for her. I was extremely upset with this 8 hours at the bar. I let feelings get the best of me. Need help I am tired of this and tired of hurting. I told her I would let her go with the hopes of her coming back but it is very difficult. Ordered Divorce Remedy today. Any advice is much appreciated!!!

Hi

I will try to keep history brief, hope it doesn't sound too cold!

Me(44), H(46), T(16) M(13)

Looking back our issues began some time ago. His parents died unexpectedly in 2007 and 2008 (he didn't appear to fully grieve at the time although he was v close to them). At same time we had big problems with behaviour of my teenage son (H's SS) and H starts his own business. H has various online EAs in 2009 and a PA in 2010 - totally out of character. He ended all these when discovered and confronted. We have had several quieter years since but resentment has simmered away both ways. We've had a rubbish year learning that a dear friend is terminally ill and ongoing business worries. In Oct H told me he didn't know how he felt about me, doesn't love me in the way he should and doesn't respect me. Almost all the issues he cited were around how we dealt with the stuff above. Plus he has implied that I don't do anything to make myself happy but have been relying on him and that I am somewhat boring and homely. I feel this is a valid assessment. When I said I agreed and would work on this he said it was 'too little too late'. He left in mid-Nov.

He pops in maybe three times a week to see the younger children and I try to look my best and be upbeat. I have stopped trying to reason and give my support to the S. He says he feels relieved being apart which I have validated. We've had no R talk for several weeks. He speaks to me respectfully, even warmly at times but his eyes look sad. He has a lot of business worries presently and we are continuing to work together. (Should we continue to do this?) He talks about a future but it does seem to be all about the business not the M.

I am shell-shocked to say the least. What I really don't understand is how he can appear to be so final without giving us a chance to work things through. He said he has 'tried everything' but this didn't include involving me or going to MC (which he refused to do).

Some of this strikes me as being MLC sounding stuff but if so why the calmer interlude of 2010-13?

I feel so desperately sad that the man I love has become so unhappy right under my nose and I didn't realise it. I kick myself for not having listened better.

Sorry for rambling.... I would really appreciate any input.

Me: 40 H: 38
Together: 13, M: 12S 2
BD: 11/12/13
Living together

Hi I am new to divorce busting. I am about to start coaching on Monday. My wife let me know on Nov 12 that she is no longer in love with me and is thinking about leaving me. Yesterday she told me that she no longer wants to be married. She does want to stay living with me until I transfer in about 2 years for the kids. I am active duty military. I am not sure what I am going to do, I never in a million years imagined that we would even think about divorce and actually going through with it seemed impossible. Walk away life syndrome describes us to a tee. I hope it is not too late, I would do anything to save our family.

So...kinda weird. This is my first time to do anything like this...but I feel absolutely alone right now. My wife asked me to move out last sAturday, but said I could stay through the holidays for our children. S-12 d-6 d-2
As long as we are not talking about the relationship we are co-existing. (Not fighting) but I don't know how to act like she is not my wife...
We have quite a few family functions to attend TOGETHER.....and I don't know if I can do it....
I don't know what I'm asking, maybe just a friend....

I don't know if I know how to actually post to one of these, and I think I already posted an intro, but I'm gonna try again
I am 35, my wife is 31. We've been together for nine years and have been married for 5. We have three children 12/6/2.
We have had issues throughout our marriage, mostly my issues with honesty, and finances.
After separating in July of this year, she moved out with the kids, they then moved back in September. So the kids could start school. When she was first back we were focused, attending counseling, and making us a priority. And then of course life happens, and we gradually stopped our efforts.
She started backing away emotionally, and I became more and more aggravated, until last Saturday night at my Christmas party. After too much alcohol, I accused her of flirting with someone and verbally assaulted her.
That night she asked me to move out. But she said that I could wait till after the holidays. So now we have a crap load of family Holliday events to attend, and I don't know if I can handle it.
I don't want to leave, and I don't want it to end....

So as I've been waiting for my membership to be approved here I've been learning a lot of good stuff here, and I am trying to put it into practice. But it's so freaking hard to maintain when we are acting as if everything outside of me and her is ok...we're even still sleeping in the same bed with a pillow in between us.

Imam reaching out for something to help me thru this.

Hi I am a newbie and I am hoping to get some help from here.

Christmas Eve morning and I guess things are starting to sink is. As I bake pies for the dinner, work on the house,getting everything straight for our family to visit. She just sits in front of the tv and is commentless.
I really don't understand how she can continue this behavior and attitude towards me.
I guess it is all left to be seen what happens after Christmas, as that is when she asked me to move out. So until then I must enjoy every second I am getting with my wife and kids together, while we pretend to be a family.
God give me strength....

Hi,

I'm new here as well and in moderation. On Dec 15th my husband announces after 12 1/2 years together that our marriage is preventing him from true happiness( a man who suffers from severe anxiety and depression) and that he just wants to "have fun" and " not feel obligated." He also doesn't want to "be a jerk" but feels he gave up his entire life when we got married and had kids. I think this may be MLC but he brought this up during his speech all on his own and said "it definitely wasn't a MLC." Translation? It must be.

Our marriage is far from perfect but I thought we were a really good fit and there for each other. Guess not! I appreciate any advice. I started DBing about a week and a half ago along with coaching.

Hi. I am new here but have been reading others posts for a while. It really helps to see that others are going through the same things. A little of my story. My husband of 17 years left in October 2013. He just got out of bed one night and left. Said he needed time, but still has not come back. We have 3 sons 16, 12,and 9. Back story....HE was is Afghanistan for 10months (his 4th tour) and returned in May 2013. His grandmother died while he was over there and his stepfather died in August after he returned. Mother in law came to live with us in September. He left in October and she remained with me until she moved back to California in November 2013. He now says he wants to end marriage and move to California. He does not love me anymore and admits he has been talking to someone in California since he was deployed. I am a little shell-shocked. I am trying to do DB, but feel really desperate and scared that my life and family are falling apart. I have started GAL and am talking to a coach. It just seems that nothing I do makes a difference. Feeling like giving up....

H&T,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. That must have been quite a blow for him to leave in the middle of the night. Has he been diagnosed with PTSD? It is a bit of a slap in the face when you start wondering what happened to the person you've shared your life with for the last x years.

It IS difficult. Some days my h is all pensive and mopey and other days he is asking me questions like "why are you laughing?" and "what are you laughing at?" Laughing is better than crying for me at this point but my feelings vascillate of course.

Hang in there! You are stronger than you know.

Originally Posted By: Chrispy

I saw your post over in Sex Starved Marriage and tracked your posts back to here.

I feel your pain, as I have been to this place, where you are now, a long time ago.

I know what it feels like to be going through the motions of being a family while all this drama is running in the background.

So, there is good news and bad news.

Let me tell you the bad news first. Your marriage might not survive (as in it might come to divorce and ending of the marriage relationship with your wife). Even though you are sharing in a place where most people are committed to keeping that from happening, it does happen. Ultimately, it will take both of you pulling this back and both of you committed to pulling this back together.

There is good news. Your marriage might not survive. But I mean this in a wholly different way because the marriage you have, the marriage as you know it, is not working. And THAT marriage, as you have known it and as your wife has known it, probably needs to "go away" to be replaced by a different marriage with different communication skills, different senses of shared responsibilities and a different sense of intimacy.

Changing who you are is incredibly difficult (same is true for your wife). Seeing who you are and how that plays out throughout your life and then choosing something different is only a little easier IF you are actively involved and PRESENT in your own life without falling back into the "old habits" that you've learned (and spent years training others in how to see you).

The possibility of giving up a marriage that isn't working and replacing it with one that does (with the person that you are currently married to) is not an unrealistic hope. It is something worth working toward.

Here is the other good news. You can survive and thrive. I know there are times when it won't seem like it and Christmas holidays make this even worse. The best thing you can do in the short-run is to be the best father/dad you can be for your children and do whatever you can to keep them from being "in the middle" of this situation. But also take care of yourself. The mental health aspects of this stress can have some very challenging physical health aspects to it. And it is very easy to ignore your own health because other things seem to be a very high priority compared to yourself.

I don't have the answers, only a shared perspective of having gone through something like this. My first marriage did end with divorce despite what I was willing to do to work things out. And my second marriage has its own issues as a long-term sexless marriage (which changes or greatly eliminates the sense of intimacy in the relationship) which is why you would find my story over in that forum.

Hope this finds you well.

The Captain

Hi I am Newbie here December 31, 2013.
It all started for me one year ago tonight. I got very sick starting one year ago. Had severe fevers and delirious for several days. I got over the fevers, but had great difficulty breathing. Over the next 2 months I was in and out of hospitals.I was put on prednisone late in February and reacted very badly to it. I ended up under psychiatric care while the weaned me off of the prednisone. The Doctors communicated with my wife and decided after talking to her that they would not release me till they found a acceptable place for me to go. They contacted my parents and arranged for me to be released into their care. Shortly after getting home I was served with divorce papers.

My wife and daughters refused to communicate with me. They stayed in the house till the end of March and moved out on Easter Sunday. I tried to get my wife to talk about it and slow things down. She told me she was done.

Since she had a lawyer, I felt I needed to get one as well. Unfortunately my first lawyer was useless. The first Court date my wife got everything she wanted. I did a lot of reading and searching on line. Decided to fire my lawyer and get a new one. Meanwhile I had little to no contact with daughters or wife.

I worked with my new lawyer and tried to get an agreement worked out. I did some communication with my wife and thought we had one. Her lawyer caused a lot of issues and we got no wheres.

The turning point happened during the second court appearance. My attorney work with me and got really prepared. My wife's attorney thought it would be a cake walk and did not prepare. My wife lost a lot of ground. Her lawyer demanded a court date. My wife thought it would have been finished and she did not have enough money to continue on. She finally figured out that lawyers are into divorces for the money they can make. She fired her attorney and the filed to have the divorce dropped. This was in early October.

I have continued to make in roads with my daughters and have been rebuilding the relationship I have with them.

My wife has softened a bit. We spent thanksgiving and Christmas Eve together with the girls.

A little history on my wife. She has suffered from depression since her teens and has been on antidepressants since her teens. She is on the maximum dose and under very little supervision from the medical community.

We have been married for 20 years. We dated for about a year before we got married.

I will post more tomorrow.

Thanks for the reply. My husband has not been officialy diagnosed with PTSD, but I have been doing some research and I think he has many of the symptoms. He has been talking to a chaplain but not a professional. Alot of guys in the military are afraid that a diagnosis will go on their record. It's frustrating. Christmas Eve was great. He came over, spent family time, watched movies. It was almost like a family again. He stayed the night and helped put out gifts for kids. It all went bad after present opening on Christmas Day. While he was making breakfast I checked our phone account and saw where he texted possible other woman on xmas Eve. I know Im not supposed to say anything but I couldn't help it. We argued and he left. Spent the rest of Christmas with my kids, alone and devastated. I had a complete breakdown....begging him to come home, etc. He then left to go to California for 2 weeks to see family and "friends". He is still there now. Trying to go dark but texted Happy New Year on New Years Eve. No response. He did call home and speak with kids, but not me. It's so hard to be erased from someone's life. Its like we never existed. Trying to go dark again and see what happens when he comes back. Our youngest sons birthday is coming up. Still hoping for things to work out.

Hi All,
I�m new here, I�ve been reading for a couple of weeks now (including first chapters of DB and DR) and while I am starting to GAL and try to emotionally distance myself from my WAW, I�m really struggling to keep it together at times for the sake of trying to, for lack of a better way to put it, convince my WAW I am someone they want to be with.
Little about my story, I�ve been M for 4, T for 5.5; but we knew each other well before then as friends. We have a D2 and we are living overseas away from family and friends. We are doing so for WAWs career, and I was up for the adventure anyway so we upped sticks and moved across the world. If only we knew what an impact the isolation of being overseas with no friends or family would have. After being away for about 4 months, WAW fell pregnant with our D. It was deliberate, after much back-and-forth conversation about whether it was a good idea. In retrospect, of course, we can see now that the addition of a child to an already difficult situation was just a recipe for disaster. Of course that�s not to say that I don�t love my D with all my heart, but reality is reality.

Things started to go awry almost immediately after D arrived. We were struggling with money, and had been for quite some time. This was a bugbear for both of us, because one of the reasons we had moved overseas was for the adventure of living in another city; but now we had no money, no time due to having a baby and no energy! We began to drift apart. WAW became depressed after D was born that I don�t think she has ever really broken out of, even 2 years on. She had been depressed before, and we had clashed because I had issues with panic attacks that were triggered by her frustration at being depressed. It was a mess. I tried my best to support WAW as much as I could at this time, giving her space to socialise and time to do the work that she was passionate about. In my efforts though, I simply dug myself a hole of depression that I fell into, while seeming like I was distancing myself from WAW.

WAW dropped the bombshell (it wasn�t a complete bombshell, but I was still heartbroken) about 6 months ago that she felt that we should separate. I, of course, being the people-pleaser that I am � went straight into beg and plead mode. Please don�t leave, we can make this work, we can fix things, we just need time together. The whole shebang. Naturally, I drove her away. WAW started taking drugs again and smoking, though only a couple of times (so she says). She became more depressed and hopeless about her situation, to the point where we took her to hospital to have her assessed, and she was diagnosed as bipolar. I went back to taking care of D2 on Friday evenings to allow WAW to relax with friends, and giving WAW the space and support she needed to work through her tough time. So, naturally, I made the same mistake twice in short succession.

About 4 months ago, WAW reiterated that she wanted to separate. We were heading home the next month, so we decided to wait until after that for her to actually move out. We had a couple of arguments while back home, partially fuelled by family interfering; partially because I think we were just exhausted with what we had become. We physically separated for the first time during that trip, and upon her return home � she moved out of the house with D2 into a new place 30 minutes away.

We drew up a separation agreement, and since we still love each other (ILYBIMILWY) we are still friendly with each other. We are scheduled to see each other once a week, but we tend to do it more as WAW tends to contact me daily for all sorts of things that could have frankly waited (ie. texted this morning to ask if I could look after D2 during a trip she is taking � though we are meeting tomorrow morning and she could have just mentioned it then). Christmas was a bit of a knock to the stomach as well, as I spent Xmas Day with WAW and some friends at her place. We had a couple of close family friends over, as well as D2 and me � plus one other guy from WAWs work who just hung around all day and had spent the previous night in my WAWs bedroom. So I�m pretty sure something is going on there, though I try not to get hung up on torturing myself about the details. I can handle a lot of the emotional detachment stuff at the moment, but the thought of her with another man right now just feels like razorblades in my stomach.

So now I am trying desperately to 180, to GAL and emotionally distance myself from my WAW. We are going to see a marriage counsellor tomorrow, which I am actually panicked about now because I think it is too early to bring this stuff up. But I didn�t realise that when I made the booking. WAW says she worries about me, and tells me not to be optimistic about us getting back together. She has bluntly told me that she doesn�t think we will ever get back together. I can�t help but reason to myself that if WAW was truly interested in getting happy, she would recognise that it would be a better ultimate situation back with our family rather than divorced with everything that goes with that. But you can�t reason in this situation I guess; its just a waste of time. So instead I am joining clubs to get out and meet people, I�ve seen a doctor about my depression and I�m exercising as much as I used to � which is a big thing for me to be able to keep doing.

I think the hardest thing for me at the moment is the fear that I have at distancing myself from my WAW, that she will never come back. That fear you get that they may end up preferring life without you. Which is crazy of course, because that could happen either way. But show me someone who is rational and straight thinking in this situation, and I�ll show you someone with a heart of ice.

Any support, thoughts, tips, or good distracting television series� to watch would be greatly appreciated at this time.

Hello! New here.

I posted a thread but it's waiting moderation.

I've been dealing with my husbands BD since last December 2012. It's been up and down ever since... But lately mainly down. I wish I had found this site & book back then.

He still lives with me & the kids, but has moved into the den "for space" in the last two months.

Need help. Mainly for myself. Very sad, and I know I've been pushing him away and going about his all wrong.

well... here i go..

november 1st... wife says we should separate. i had trouble accepting it and did the begging and pleading routine that did not help matters. she kept saying im so sorry.. you deserve someone who is into the things you like.
i decided to move downstairs into the basement and to try and give her space. i ended up messing that up.. we got into an arguement and i moved out of the house so things would cool down .. fast forward to the current situation.. wife is in love with her boss. who is married ( but just about to separate from his wife) she told me she is in love with this guy.. .. so i moved back into the house and she moved out to a friends place.. i have our daughters.. she claims she will never live with me again and only wants to be friends.
she comes over every morning to drop the girls off at school and every evening to read them a book.. i love my wife with all my heart and its killing me to know she has feeelings for another man... uh.... help??????
me 34
w 33
d 6
d 3
together 14 yrs
m 8yrs

Hi, I'm wondering how long my posts will be in moderation?

I started somethings for me today and it was good!

Since one of my husbands complaints is that I am super negative, I have put some positive things in place. FOR ME.

I started journaling anything that was positive in a day. So, I can look back in difficult times and see at a glance, my week was not all bad. Can be little things, like the sunny day - or it can be something major. I am trying to find the positive light in all scenarios.

Second, this morning, instead of starting the day off scrolling through my iphone... I began with reading, and then a morning meditation. Let me tell you, I felt absolutely AMAZING, confident and positive. It was just a 5 minute thing - but it made a huge difference. I felt calmer and more grounded.

So much so that when my husband asked what I was doing, and I later told him - he had a negative reaction. It I just let it bounce off me and go on. It did not drag me into a pit of uncertainty, despair, need to justify etc I was really proud of myself.

Got my Divorce remedy book today - so started that as we'll.

Hope my posts show up soon - would love feedback.

I'm updating on this thread again because my into thread hasn't been approved! Hope I pop up soon! Need support and want to tell more details of my story. Don't remember what I wrote on the first thread.

Just had a nice afternoon out with H. Lunch out, and grocery shopping while the kids stayed home. We had easy conversation and it was fun. No tension and he was open to the idea of getting on antidepressants - which he definitely needs. He has anger issues, and can sink low into a funk and has family history. He's been on them before.

Anyway, we were almost home and he was complaining about something. I lightheartedly said "don't be so negative" jokingly - because he always says I'm so negative...

Well, then he launched into a attack on me. I quickly shut up and didn't engage. Unlike me to back down. In years past, that would have turned into a full on fight. So we were riding along in the car, I was quiet and about 10 mins in he said "so you are just going to sit over there and stew???" I said, "No, I'm not stewing. I'm fine. But you just lashed out at me for no reason and I'm not interested in being the brunt of it."

That shut up him up. I was hoping for an apology - he regularly lashes out and then apologizes.

I didn't get one... So we got home and he had to run a few errands. I told him to go ahead and go in a normal tone, and said I would unload the groceries. I just wanted him out of the house at that point so he wouldn't sit there, stew himself, anger more and continue to convince himself that he's in a horrible situation.

Anyway...

Hi everyone,

this is my first post. i discovered michelle's books and this site in late November. my husband moved out 5/26/13. i don't know where to begin. we were married in Feb 2010. Very happy and in love. He's very passive though and a people pleaser. Always does what his family wants, what I wants, his boss wants. Tries to make everyone happy. I've always been crazy about him, but I was at times picky/hard to please/easily upset. I'd never say a bad word or yell, but I'd get easily disappointed if he was late or if something bothered me. I may have cried or gotten quiet and upset for a half hour or so and then I'd usually be over it. If I'd ask him if I bothered him or I'd tried to apologize he'd say oh it's ok no problem and he'd act like it didn't bother him.

I went to therapy in October 2012 to work on how I get disappointed and I had asked him to come to therapy with me last winter, just to tell the therapist what things bothered him. He finally came out with a bunch of examples of how this bothered him or that time I got upset about that bothered him. It was hard to hear how I had hurt him and tough because he'd never told me, but I was also glad we were finally getting this stuff out so that it wouldn't keep going on like this.

One day last January 2013, he told me his brother asked him if we'd buy his parents plane tickets here to visit from their country. I tried to discuss it with my husband since we'd been saving up to buy a house, but he took it like my wanting to discuss it meant that I didn't want to buy their tickets. He couldn't talk about it at all though because now I see how much he felt like he was in the middle between me and his family and he couldn't please us all. I simply wanted to discuss it and I didn't like that his brother could just tell us what we're doing/buying. Some of that is cultural, but I just wanted to discuss it. The more silent he'd be, the more I'd get upset and then he said his brother asked if he'd drive three hours back to pick them up at the airport in the middle of winter. One night I did yell at him just to get a rise out of him I guess but it just made him cry and feel hurt/scared of me. I wish I hadn't said anything, but I got upset because we hadn't even talked about his brother's other request. We had never really fought before and he didn't know how to handle a "conflict" and so he just shut down. A month later when his parents came, his family didn't stop asking me "what's wrong with him? is there something at work? he's not happy..." I felt like he and I hadn't had a chance to resolve this between us privately, so I didn't feel comfortable talking to his family about it. Two weeks after his parents were here, he ended up in the hospital for a week with blood in urine and bad kidney pain. The doctors said it may have been a blood vessel that had burst. There was no permanent damage, but the family was convinced that he was sick because of "stress" since the doctors never found any other cause and so they were all convinced that it was "stress" because he was unhappy in his marriage. I was so hurt by this. Yes, I often got picky or upset or nagging for small things, but it wasn't all the time and I was such a loving wife too.

His mom told him some untrue, hurtful things when he was in the hospital. Told him I didn't translate/tell her everything the doctor had told me. That simply was not true. Also, one night he stayed at his brother's house and I stayed at home. They took him to the Emergency room in the middle of the night and the next morning I called him to see how he felt while I was on my way to work. He said he was ok. I called again at my break and he told me he was in the ER again and had been there all night and they were about to do an angiogram on his kidney. I left work and went straight to the hospital. I couldn't believe his family never told me he was there all day. I can't imagine how mad they would've been at me if I hadn't told them he was there. When I got to the hospital, I saw his mom and I asked her where he was. She told me they had taken him already and I started to cry. I think I was exhausted and worried about him and sad I didn't get to see him or be there with him before this procedure. I then called my mom and and friend and I found a doc to speak with. My brother in law's wife was also there at the time and I told them I was going to go find the building they were bringing him to after the procedure. When I left, my sis in law texted me and told me we shouldn't cry in front of my husband. I was so hurt. H wasn't even there and it was the only time in a week of this i had cried and I had watched him mom cry all week and had always tried to comfort her. Later when the doc called me, I told my sis in law and mom everything he said and my sis in law said do you want to call h's brother to tell him and I said i'm kind of tired, do you want to call and she said ok. then i went to call my mom and a friend back. when i came back in room, mother in law yelled at me for not calling h's brother. I was shocked. She said i thought you were too tired to talk on the phone, so why were you on the phone and you couldn't even call his brother. his brother was so worried today that he cried. i was speechless. his brother cried? but i got in trouble with her for crying -at least his brother knew he was in the hospital. I was at work with no idea!

Long story- next day my dad came for a few days because I felt so alone there. my h's family was all mad at me and cold towards me because they said I didn't tell her everything the doctor said and I didn't "greet his mom" when I walked into the ER. My h was mad at me and stayed with brother for a week after getting out of hospital. When he came home, I tried not to say anything about his family, but then he brought it up and said it was my fault. I got upset and said I feel like they didn't respect me. H moved out a month later and the mother and father stayed in the country to "take care" of my husband. He said it wasn't going to work and that he was scared of me and that he wasn't happy, felt I was too needy and controlling and that it shouldn't be this hard. My husband didn't work for a month and barely spoke to me. I did some undivorcebusting friendly behavior. Called him crying, went to the hosptial for antidepressants, called h's friend since h wasn't talking to me. His mom was literally by his side for months. I did give him space, and only saw each other a few times in the fall. One time we saw each other, I was able to be a bit more calm and detached but the other two times, I was more anxious and clingy and did all the wrong things. He called me in Oct before taking a trip with his family and said dont wait for him and that he was tired of thinking for months so it was over. I asked do you want a divorce and he said yes.

So in late november I contacted him. I really thought it was over and he looked less angry at me. He said he had gotten family pressure and said it was always hard for him to disappoint me and said he could never disappoint his mom either. Once I sensed that he was unsure, I kind of pounced and was overly optimistic and cheerleadering instead of just validating. He acted confused and cried a lot. I said what do you want me to do- he said i want you to be independent. I said if we are going to try, then we need to see each other, spend time together and I know I came on too strong. I said do you want me to contact you and he said i dont know, no i will contact you. Then I found Michelle's books right after that and was able to back off again. I did text him and say I'm sorry for talking too much last time and he said no that I did listen to him more the last time. I then asked him last week out of the blue to go to a concert with me and he said he didn't feel like it, but then wrote oh didn't you go to your family's for christmas. I said i was on my way there. I thought it was a good baby step that he even wondered what I was doing. I'm just scared to do anything now. But I haven't seen him since november and haven't asked him much since then. I may ask him to meet for coffee or soemthing. he got some mail here and i told him and he said just keep it until i'll get it.....very vague.

i know i have to chill out and i've travelled and i'm doing a lot of yoga and doing other fun things/trying to have fun and work on myself and just do some things differently. But I do want to just get a tiny read on him. i know my mistake is to bring up relationship talks or to look for a big answer from him, but very hard to not act disappointed- but that's what he's so scared of is to disappoint me-that's what he didn't like about our relationship was his fear of disappointing me so now I have to even watch my facial expressions when I see him or the tone of my voice so that I dont show my disappointment. So hard!!

Thanks for reading all this if you got this far!! Yes, one of my "problems" is that I talk/write too much. Any suggestions on how to work on that or any other feedback would be welcomed!

I have talked to a DB coach and he suggested just going dark a bit or if I do contact H, just to keep it light.

I�m a longtime lurker, but first time poster. I am in need of some advice. I�ve been married 14 years and have three daughters (12,11,9). In September 2012, I had the bomb dropped on me that the marriage was dead and what was the point continuing on. She is a classic WAW who was not getting her emotional needs met. I will post more details on our background separately, but in short, I was crushed. Luckily, I discovered Divorce Busting and this forum. I�ve made great strides personally and feel like I�ve stopped the bleeding in our relationship. We continue to live in the same house and sleep in the same bed. We get along great as parents and friends, but all forms of affection have ceased.

I feel like my wife is very confused about what she wants, which is to be expected. I think she loves me as a person and a father. She doesn�t want to hurt the family, but she�s not feeling romantic feelings for me. What advice can anyone give me to help bridge that gap in our relationship?

I'm struggling with small things like touching her back because I don't want it to come off as pursuing. However, one of my major mistakes in our relationship was not showing her enough affection. It's just tough to determine the next steps...

New to the forum- H left 12/16.

I have been reading and reading and can't find any other stories similar to mine. Hopefully someone can offer advice for my sitch!

H told me he was unhappy 8/13. said he's "numb". I owned the complaints he had and started IC immediately and started changes . Things got better, but I intercepted a text to one of his friends that he was leaving me soon 12/13. He admitted his plan, ILYBNILWY speech, etc.

The next day he starts questioning his decision. A LOT of crying, wanted me to tell him what to do. I stayed relatively calm, told him he needed to decide for himself. He left to live with a friend the next day.

Saw him several days before Christmas, a lot of crying each time. He spent Christmas and New Years with his parents in FL. He came back last weekend and we had a 3 hour talk. This is the gist:

He has hope for US. Loves me more than he has ever loved another woman. We agreed to start having fun again- he called it dating, I did not.

We are still separated. I got the Post office notification that he changed his address today. I saw him yesterday and he told me he loved me.

WHAT DO I DOOOOOOO?????? Is there anyone out there who can relate to this?

Hello all I'm Jeff this is my first time on the forum, looking to gain some insight and have some questions answered.

Hello all, I'm new to the site looking to gain some knowledge and have some questions answered by all.

Hi.
Wife married 6.5 years and my husband wants a divorce. I'm devastated and I don't think that's what he really wants. He's basing his decision from one (maybe two) overheated situation(s) and I feel he hasn't thought this through. Would love to speak to a coach but I only have $1 (literally) in my possession, so obviously can't afford it. So turning to the forum for some guidance because I figure some help is better than no help. Currently reading The Divorce Remedy and it has given me great hope. I'm at Step 5 doing the Last-Resort Technique. Divorce has not been filed (yet), but we are physically separated and I have received a Marital Settlement Agreement from his attorney in the mail (and I'm afraid and don't want to send it back).

Hello, I'm new here. Guess I'm stating the obvious since I'm posting in this thread. lol

It's been a rough couple of months for me. A lot of things I didn't see coming, some I did. My wife and I have been together for the better part of 14 years now. Married for the last 10. We have three young boys, 7,4,3. We had celebrated our 10 year anniversary on september 27, 2013. Things were going very well for us. We sold our two bedroom townhouse in october 2013 and moved in with her parents. Things seemed to be ok, considering the circumstance and the stress of living in a place neither of us really wanted to be, but it was a necessary move for financial reasons. Our commutes got longer to and from work because of the move.

I'm not sure where things started to drift apart for her, but she asked me for a divorce on novemeber 24th. Right before thanksgiving. The day before thanksgiving I got laid off from my job. We were suppose to go to my family for thanksgiving and she decided to not to go. I took the boys with me. After I returned, I slept on the couch in the basement for the next few days. We didn't talk much at all.

December 1st is when I moved out. I went and stayed with a couple of friends nearby so I could be close for the boys. After a few days, we talked on the phone and agreed that I would move back to keep things "normal" for the boys through the holidays. It was tough, but we made it through. We had good days and bad days. Some days it seemed as though we would be able to work things out somehow and others it was as if I should have never come back.

After the New Year, she approached me to talk about things. She brought up the idea of going to discernment counseling to see if we could work things out and I agreed. We each had initial phone consultations and agreed that we would do the counseling. The counselor that I spoke to referred the Divorce Remedy to me and I started reading the first chapter online. When my wife came back I was still reading it and she asked about it and asked if I was going to get it. I said I was and she read the first chapter that night. She did say she would like to read it as well. A day later she told me that she did not want to do the counseling and that she wanted the divorce. I'm reading the book anyway.

Before the book arrived (and I later found out the mistake I made) I asked her to reconsider her decision to get the counseling. She said she felt like she was backed into a corner and felt trapped. We got passed that part of it and continued to talk about why this was happening and it stems from years of unresolved issues. Some little things and one big thing.

As embarrassing as it is, I'm going to throw out the big issue. We had problems getting pregnant. With our first child, we were about to start artificial insemination treatments and were surprised to find out that she was pregnant without it. We were over the moon that we were going to have our first child. When he was about 2 we started trying again. Our sex life was good until then. It started to become mechanical, orchestrated, a chore and not fun, at least for me. I was having a hard time getting excited about sex. I made the mistake of trying to find something to get me into the mood on my own. For some reason I had the idea of trying on a couple pairs of her panties and taking pictures of myself. Big mistake. It didn't work for me, but we did end up getting pregnant with our second child. A few months after he was born, she found the pictures. As well as some others of women that I had. They were on a disc in the computer. She was devastated, hurt and sickened by the photos. I assured her that I was not having an affair, physical or online, and that I had not sent them to anyone. She asked me to move out. Which I did, I thought our marriage was over then. We worked things out and I moved back. The day I moved back in we made love for the first time in a very long time. It was the best sex we had ever had. It wasn't just make up sex, it was passionate and intimate. That day was the closest I had felt to her in a long time. Nine months later, we had another son. However, our sex life never recovered. And we also didn't mention the pictures again.

About a year ago, we were going through a drifting apart phase and divorce was brought up then. We agreed to see a counselor to work things out. We did go for a few months and things were getting better. We were working on the little things, as the counselor put it: take care of the drops before the bucket fills up. Which we did.

Back to our last conversation, when I asked her to reconsider, we did end up talking about the pictures. I explained to her why I did it. I guess this is the first time we really talked about that problem in depth with each other. Another big mistake. We took too long to deal with that. She explained to me that a part of her had died because of that. I have a heavy heart because of this, she said that when we did have sex, it felt like abuse to her. Now I am the one that feels devastated because of what I did to her. I asked her again if she still wanted to read the book and she replied with a sure. It was the kind of sure that felt more like a "yeah, whatever, give it to me and I'll put it on the nightstand as a coaster for awhile."

This conversation happened jan 7. I got the book on jan 16th and started reading that night. We still live together. We live our days as though things are "normal." We have dinner as a family, we talk about things, go places as a family, etc. We give each other moral support with things going on in our lives such as work and school. The only major difference now is I sleep in the basement. After the boys are in bed, she will come down and we will chat. Not about what is going on or what we are going to do and how we are going to do it. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I guess I'm not quite sure what techniques I should use in this situation.

I can say this for sure. I have started working on myself. I've made the decision that no matter what happens, I'm going to make me feel good about myself. I guess my biggest concern outside of working on myself is where to begin with the techniques in the book. Where do I begin? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I'm not sure if this all made sense, I was just writing things as they came to me. I'm sure there are some holes that I would be happy to fill in if anything is unclear. I just want to to what is in the best interest of saving my marriage and getting to a place that is healthy for both of us.

I am sorry for your situation, but glad you found this site. You didn't say if you continued the counseling, but I assume you didn't or I think you would of dealt with the 'issue' that hasn't been resolved. I hope that you talk to one of the DB coaches, as they are experts in helping you understand what needs to be done to get your marriage back on track. The book is great, but each situation is so unique, that having an expert guide you is a fantastic opportunity. I would look forward to talk to you.

Hi Cali Dreaming,

I'm sorry you find yourself here but you will be inundated with wonderful advice. I agree with you-it can be a bit confusing as my h complained of showing no affection. I think the key is to see what feels right and be consistent. A little confusing I know, but it's not an exact one size fits all. Take care of yourself and work on you. I

Hi Allofus,

I'm sorry you find yourself here but you will receive tremendous support and advice here. It is a difficult place to be, but you can and will get through this.

I may be lambasted for this but I'm prepared. The comment of "a part of me died" sounds so "final." Don't be frightened off by that phrase. The human spirit is amazingly resilient and we all have thresholds. That is just a way of saying I was shocked/terribly disappointed/ devastated. I point this out because some folks view that term as "finality" and you can survive and thrive. I'm not minimizing her pain, but just noting the word choice.

Take care of yourself and listen to the experts here. They are wonderful!

I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right spot or not, but today was not a good day for me. It was hard to keep a positive attitude. Especially, with my boys. I was angry a lot today and unfortunately, they felt some of it. When I took them to karate lessons tonight, I took a deep breath and I apologized to each of them for my attitude today. I felt better with them for the rest of the evening.

When she got home and came downstairs, I felt like she was invading my space. It was tense. Our conversation was light and pleasant for the most part, but it was tense to say the least. We sat in silence for most of the evening watching t.v. I guess I would have preferred her to not come down at all tonight. Tomorrow WILL be a better day for me.

Hello
I am a stay at home dad, married 10.5 years (after being best friends for 7 more years and dating for 5ish) with 4 children, 9,7,4,and 2. Until the early morning after Christmas Day, I though I had a very strong marriage and a happy wife, but that morning she told me that she didn't want to be married anymore, and couldn't give any more details. I offered to give it time or try counseling and she just shook her head no sadly. Also I got ILYBINILWY. I found out later her main issue that has been building for some time is that living with me stresses her out (it couldn't be her stressful job with a boss she hates, or having 4 children under 10, or the three dogs she just had to get a few months ago (only two of them were new)) She also thinks that I yell to much at the kids, not screaming at them but still... and I have to admit that is probably true. We've always talked about everything or I though yet she hid these feelings for years apparently, never once commenting on it, and last July on our 10th anniversary I even took her out and asked her if she had any problems with our relationship, because I wanted it to last another 10, but she said it was great and had no problems. We've talked about it a few times since, but I realize now those were probably mistakes, my logic may have been sound but it doesn't matter here. She did say that I had been a great husband and that we had a pretty good marriage, but when I asked again about why she wouldn't seek counseling, when the cost was so low and the potential so high, she said she just didn't want to make an effort. Her heart is clearly hardened to me. It is also clear that she is sad about how awful this is for me and she desperately want to remain best friends. It even seems hard for her sometimes. She also I think feels guilty that she let it get to this point without ever telling me how she was feeling, but that changes nothing... its like shes locked onto her course now and nothing will dislodge her from it. She keeps saying that it will be better for everyone in the long run, better for her, the kids and even for me. Not likely on most or all of those counts. I am pretty certain that there is no one else in the picture, (which in a strange way, is a shame) though since I didn't see this coming, I may not have the best judgement.

Since I found out I have been trying to get my life in order, to get back in shape, lose weight, I'm back in school finishing my degree, Ive been seeing a Councillor to help be with temper control strategies, and Ive been working on a plan for what I will do for work, if/when a divorce goes through. I have to say that being a stay at home dad, really makes this so much harder, I'm loosing my wife, partner and best friend, at the same time I won't be able to be with my children as much no matter what else happens, and oh yeah, I'm being 'fired' from my job at the same time. Merry Christmas to me.

My wife is still at home with me, in the same bed in fact, and is friendly, but that's all. I think her her mind we're done, and she is just trying to stay friends.

Ive read both books, though it seemed like so much of the info in the was to prevent a marriage from getting to the is point, I have been trying to detach and to get a life but its hard to do with her living here, and only have one car leaves me kinda stuck, except when shes home and it been long hours lately, probably to avoid coming home and seeing me :p but I have at least been getting out and walking most days. The other problem I'm having in detaching is that she has come to me a few times for comfort about her work situation mostly, and i'm not sure whether by comforting her I'm giving her the best of both worlds, a husband-like figure when she needs it but not when she doesn't (and none of the fringe benefits for me).

So this is pretty long, I'm sorry, thanks for reading this far. The one thing I haven't said is that I am absolutely loyal to my family, and I love her so deeply that this is killing me. I'd do anything to set it right, but was never given the chance, to even know there was a problem. And it hurt that she would just throw away a 'pretty good' marriage, a 'great' husband and a best friend into the bargain. Ive given everything I had to her and my children. And this just makes no sense to me, or anyone else Ive talked to about this, including her folks. So hey, anyone have any advice?

Hi I'm new here!

A lil bit about me and my situation: Husband is 28 yrs old...I'm 30 yrs old...we have two boys (6 & 4), we been married for 6 yrs about to be 7 in May.

I met my husband in the military I was an active duty, he still in the military we both was in San Diego. My husband was previously married that marriage last for 6 months, and we met at work, we start dating, we got in a relationship, we got married and start a family like we both wanted. During our first yrs married we had our ups and downs, but I started to have trust issues because he was txting other females inappropriate stuff and I found out and well that's how everything started and also when he met me I was skinny since I was in the military, and since I had the boys I gain weight so I just think he don't like the way I look and I have low self-esteem. Every time we had our problems or fight we always fixed it. We was like this for our first 4 or 5 yrs I was a stay at home mom so every time he come home after work I wanted him to talk to me and spend time with me and that was punching him away. Well it was time for us to move to another state military orders, we came here to Illinois where his from and his family, I didn't want to come here but I set my positive mind and I say let's go let's start a new life so we came here the boys was in school and daycare, I found a full time job, I met new friends and all that good stuff I wasn't doing back in San Diego. For the first time I felt good about myself and my marriage and we was good, every time he needed a "me time" I gave him his space etc. Last year on my birthday he got drunk and he txt one of my son teacher from daycare some crazy stuff and I saw it and it pissed me off I was upset about it, I told him he say he was drunk and all that but he didn't say he was sorry, but me to have a good marriage I forgave him and let that in the past. He worked in the city so he had to drive like an hour from work to home and it was a lot so we started planning to move closer to his work and that was the plan, while this he was staying over his aunty house during the week and he was coming home Friday, Saturday and sunday, so I was at home by myself with the boys and the dog doing everything on my own something that he didn't help me, at one point I told him I feel like a single mother that upset him.

Well I started noticing weird like sad, frustrated and I asked him what's was wrong? and that when he dropped the bomb and he say he need a "break" so I said "ok" and one week later he say we need to separated we can get our own apartments, now this was a lot for me, I was going crazy thinking what just happen? What did I do? all this question was going thru my head....So in December we both got our places and since he wanted to spent time with the boys and be there for them he decided to take the boys with him. So, we officially starting living separate since jan 1st yeah on my birthday. And two weeks later he called me and ask me how I feel about all this I say that I'm still hurt and confused about all this, he say he like it, he enjoy be at home with the boys, etc.

Now the reason for all this is cause he never enjoy his life since he was married before right after high school and then me so he haven't enjoy life and that's what he want and he sound so selfish, so now he mentioned the "D" words something that it wasn't it my plans or our plans. We talked the other day and he say he's confused about all this, that he talked to the boys and he started crying about the whole situation. We talked yesterday he told me he's enjoy life now, that he like it cause he don't have to check in with me and all that stuff that he can be himself. And he also telling me if we going back to San Diego that I'm going to be my old self, I told him why he have to think negative to don't think that way, that since I been here I changed a lot I noticed that I matured more since I been here. But he still have his doubt about it.

We was talking and we was bringing some stuff and he say that's the reason that push me to get the "D" words so I stop we got done talking, and after work I went a bought the Divorce Remedy book and I started reading the book and I started feeling better since I start reading the book I haven't finished the book yet cause I'm at work. But so far is like the book is talking to me, and instead of blaming him and making him to change himself, I noticed is me that need to change and maybe with a change I get to bring him back cause I do want to fix my marriage and be a happy family with our kids.

So, let's see what's gonna happen but I want my husband back and my family together again.

Any advice?

Thanks,
Lynny

New to the site. Been married for 7 years, no children and I'm looking for some support and advice to try stopping my divorce and hopefully, save my relationship after infidelity. I'm in the process of reading DR but I had to jump to the LRT as he clearly stated this past week that he's not in love with me anymore, wants to be with the OW, and is not willing to work on our relationship at all. Trying to make sense of all of it, and my first thread hasn't been posted yet, so I'm being patient..looking forward to sharing.

I am new here,
together for 11yrs
married for 7 1/2

dropped the bomb jan 12th

will add my thread to this.

Hi, I am new to this forum but have learned a lot of ideas from reading old posts. Sorry this is so long. It's hard to decipher what things matter more than others.

I have been married to my husband for 11 years, together for 15. We have no children. In October, he began acting like I was not a priority. When questioned about this, he told me that he was unhappy with himself in many aspects of life (not taking the time to go to church, seeing his family, doing things to make me feel loved).

My husband has an extremely stressful career that requires rigorous demands of his time, so what he complained about made sense to me. Our marriage has had more stressful situations than I believe the average marriage does. We have always loved each other, rarely fought, and were best friends who enjoyed being together. I will say that we have not had passion in our marriage for a long time, but I always chalked it up to stress, his exhaustion, and the mundane routine of daily life. Looking back, I do feel unfulfilled, but certainly never wanted to put more pressure on him.

He started talking to a priest and going to church. About 6 weeks after the initial complaint of being unhappy with who he was, it turned into that though he loved and cared for me, he was not in love with me anymore. He says that he has felt this way for over a year but did not tell me because I had a close family member that was ill for the entire year. He told me he needed time because he did not know if he wanted to work on our marriage. He felt that we had had 15 years to get it right. I left to give him the space that he needed, though I had not seen this coming. By this time, we had spent very little time together for two months due to his work schedule. While I was giving him space, I had found a few inconsistencies and became suspicious of an affair. Shortly after, he went on a vacation with another woman. He wouldn't answer my calls and denied having an affair via text, saying he just needed to get away and was with a friend. I did what research I could and found out that the OW worked with him and is single and 10 years younger than me. While he was still out of town, I consulted an attorney who recommended that I take half of our savings. He did not come home until 2 nights after he got back in town. By this time, I had taken the money.

When I confronted him about the affair, he denied sleeping with her, saying that he has only kissed her and that she has nothing to do with the way he feels about our marriage. That none of this is about another woman. I asked him to end it and he would not commit to doing so. He said there was nothing to end, that he's not in a relationship, she's just a friend and he'd only been seeing her for 3 weeks. The next day he agreed to go to counseling but couldn't promise anything. This ended up being an independent session for him. That evening we fought and he said he could never see us being happy again, he has no desire to work on our marriage, and that he does not share my optimism that we can fall back in love. He did not want to be the one to end our marriage. He told me he thought I should leave him. I told him I would not file for divorce as this was his doing, that I wanted to work on our marriage.

But I ended up leaving the next day, filled my car with clothes and went to my parents, planning to do PLAN B. I would have liked to have tried PLAN A but felt that he wasn't going to let me try and what was the point if he would not sleep at our house or agree to business only contact with her (which is the best I can hope for since he must give 3 months notice to leave his job.) I had already lost 15 pounds, and still can't eat, can't sleep. I did not respond to the two texts that I got, but he did say that he would read the books I had bought by Dr. Harley and he thought he needed to read them before returning to the counselor.

About 5 days later, we had a counseling session scheduled, so I went to it; he did not, he took the OW to dinner. While I was in the town where we live, I decided to see a friend (whose husband is my husband's business partner and a serial cheater, as is their third partner). My purpose was to find out any info that she might know about the affair.

She knew nothing, however, we discovered that the OW had also had a 2 year affair with her husband. I found some other details and decided that I needed to talk to him before I left town, therefore messing up Plan B. Also, from what I could tell, I think he was staying with the OW while I was gone.

When I told him this information, he knew about the affair but was concerned with the timeframe that I was told it ended. He told me he was going to call her to say that he couldn't be "her friend" anymore. I remembered that he should write her a letter too late. When he came back from calling her, she had talked him out of it.

The next day I told him I couldn't be in limbo for much longer, that I was starting to lose my desire to work on our marriage as well. I tried to get him to spend his week off with me so we could try a little of Plan A, but he did not want to. I asked him if he knew if he wanted a divorce. He said yes. Then said that he didn't know if it was 100% the right decision or if he would regret it. Then he said he needed more time.

I can admit that I have faults but also feel that getting your needs met is a 2 way street. This man is not my husband. He has always been very good to me. This cold treatment and disrespect that he has shown me is totally out of character. This is a person who was mortified by the behavior of his partners and how they treated their wives. He is now adamant that he is nothing like them, even though he is having an affair.

So I have now left again and am back to trying Plan B. I read about starting to move some things out. I don't feel ready to pack up furniture but what are your thoughts on packing up the things that make a house feel homey (pictures, knickknacks, etc.)? I am also preparing for exposure. I tried to disclose the affair to one of his best friends, who did not take it well. He said he knew we were having problems and that he had encouraged my husband to work it out and would continue to do so, but that my husband denied any affair as a problem.

The OW is single, should I expose the affair to her parents? I am working on what I would like to say to his parents.

Any suggestions are appreciated. Thanks.

I am new here, I am glad I found this place. Feel like it is just what I need. It has already given me a new direction to go in which is a healthy one. I do want to save my marriage, but know that the rules are good for me even if this is not possible. Looking for guidance, and hope.

together for 11yrs
married for 7 1/2

dropped the bomb jan 12th 2014

My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...722#Post2424722

Had to repost to add my thread

How do you make a new thread folks?

I found out on 2/2012 about my H having an EA, we tried to work on things but he kept communications with OW. I kicked him out on 8/2012. The next few months were very hard because we have a 20 month old baby girl and he has not helped me financially at all.

Cell records shows H talks to OW daily. I filled out D papers and drafted a marital settlement agreement and handed the docs to him on 1/4/2014, a day before our 13 yr anniversary. He claimed not to want D, didn't know when he would cut contact with OW or attempt to do something about our R. He seems truly lost. I discovered the same week, talked to a DB coach and read DR. I also stopped all contact with him on 1/4/14, only on Sundays I see him when he takes baby girl for the day.

So, I don't want a D but also don't plan on sitting around for someone taking me for granted. I spent my last 5 months on GAL w/o knowing, IC, yoga, self reflection, focus on my daugther, etc... Now just patiently focusing on me and hoping this LDEA ends...

Anyone DB successful with LDEA? My H texted me tonight about baby, then small chat wanting to know if I was dating, not sure where that came from....how long should I have no contact? Any advice is kindly needed and appreciated.

Please note, that your desire to stay married is the perfect motivation for Divorce Busting Techniques to be successful. Call me and I'd be happy to discuss our coaching program. 303-444-7004. Help is on the way.

Hi Roberta, I spoke with a DB coach once...and read the DR. My homework is to read the five languages of love and I am well on my way to 180's and no contact. I need to make my other two appointments to have a more concrete plan. My first call seemed more of a discovery phase than anything.

Hi
I'm in the midst of a divorce I do not want. In October my husband of 8 years came to me and said he wasn't happy and wanted out. He stated he has never loved me, doesn't love me and needs to be free to find the hope for happiness. No sign of an affair but I do wonder. I made the changes he want but on the 29th of December he said it was completely over. I filed for divorce the next week to protect myself and my children's financial interests. He wanted a dissilusionsment. We have 3 children - 6 months, 2 years and 6 years. I am hoping its a MLC. I just ordered the Divorce Busting book and left a message for a marriage coach. I am praying for a miracle and clarity and support. Every one tells me to let him go. Everyone including his family says we have no idea what he is thinking, he's an idiot and we are so sorry. It's not your fault. Please let me know what my next steps are. Oh yeah and he wants to remain best friends.

W-38 -H-42
M 8 T-11
CH-6 months,2 years and 6 years
I filed-1/6/2014

I'm looking for help in dealing with porn addicted husband and haven't seen anything on the site yet that deals with this. Can someone point me in the right direction?

Not really sure if this is the right place for me, but I'm looking for some active support.

Happily married since 1995, together since 1993. In November 2013 my husband cheerfully let me know that he'd flown to one of his out-of-town offices to let a co-worker know that he had feelings for her and he wanted to become better "friends." She's 13 years younger and a newlywed. She was eager to reciprocate, and they call one another "girlfriend" and "boyfriend." She also told him during this conversation that she had once been involved with a co-worker before which led to his divorce - an event which left her "crushed."

He is "very happy" with our marriage, which has been very active on an intimate level throughout our marriage and doesn't want our marriage to change. He calls this "additive," and says that our marriage is not threatened at all by this because he and I are best friends and share a heart. We have two children who are nearly 15 and 13/

I did not see this coming AT ALL, despite the fact that he claims that "for years" he's been saying that he would like to have "variety."

What followed was a crazy amount of texts and emails at all hours of the day. I cried for 8 weeks and lost 20 lbs. He told me that my reaction was driving him TO her, not to me, but reiterates again and again that our marriage is fine, that we're best friends, that he loves me, that he shares my heart.

They have been physical with one another, but have not had intercourse yet.

He's super concerned about his physical appearance these days, wants to have weekly dinners with his parents, so much of this has the hallmarks of a mid-life crisis....He didn't like hearing that. (I shouldn't have told him.) He also didn't like me telling him that he was having an emotional affair (at first) so after I told him the worst case scenario was if he got a disease or got her pregnant he thought I'd given him the green light to start kissing her (under no circumstances did I give him the green light for that).

It's been 7 weeks since they've seen one another, but he is headed to her office again this week. I'm beside myself.

Even though we aren't discussing divorce, is DivorceBusting a good resource for me? If not, does anyone have any good thoughts? I keep reading that I need to just wait this out (excruciating) and take care of myself and my kids.

For those that don't know where to post, start your own thread to get advice. This isn't the place to start your story. Its a sub folder. Help is here, if you can just hit "The Newcomers" and in upper left corner hit "new topic" I believe.

Start with your ages, time married, kids if any. Your situation and why you think your marriage is where it is.

Know that you will be on moderation for a time, meaning your posts wont show up until approved, it will stay that way until you've reached a certain post count. Initially that can take 2-5 days. Be patient with the process, the help your looking for is here. Read and post on other people's thread to spead the process up, it also helps that other people see your thread and will come over and post on yours.

People here want your marriage to work, will give you the tools to hopefully help that process. Theres no guarantees, but you have nothing to lose in trying.

Whenever you are ready to make your next appointment, please call 303-444-7004. We look forward to hearing from you.

In Michele Weiner-Davis' book The Divorce Remedy, she discusses sexual addictions. I urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting Coach. Our coaches can help you learn about your husband's behavior and how to help bring about change in your marriage.
Call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004

Hi I am new here and found this site my accident will looking for any information that I can find on the web for guys who's wife has cheated but will not totally end the affair. I found a thread by wont_stop and have since registered. My Boom came on 11-13-13 when my wife of 20 years told me over the phone, while visiting her sister in LA, that she had found someone else. I knew we were having problems and was telling her that I had realized that I has a big part of the problem from some things that I was learning from the bible study that I was attending, and I was apologizing to her for. She said no that she was also the problem and when she told me what she did I would not want to stay with her. Well my heart went into my stomach and I felt sick because I felt I knew what she was going to stay. I pulled my truck into a parking lot. She told me she had started a relationship with a co-worker but it had not went all the way yet but there were some physical acts exchanged. Well I lost it and started crying and the conversation went on and off for several hours. I forgiver her and tell her I don't care and I want to just save our family and work things out. I went home and was up all night I checked up on the OM online and scheduled a flight to LA for later that week. I confront OM on phone next day tell him to leave my W alone.

The time in LA was crazy a lot of crying, mostly me, she was cold and mostly unremorseful. Says that she is dead on the inside or her feelings are gone. I agree to leave LA after a few days to finish a business trip I had scheduled already.

We meet at the end of the week back at our home airport. I am an emotional wreck and I think now make all sorts of mistakes. I am very clingy and upset. I plead and beg. We have a huge fight at one point. Then a week or two later I notice that she is very distant. I send the boys out to get something to eat. I confront her she tells me I am still smothering her and she needs space and does not want to talk about it, but I persist. She admits she has now slept with OM because I pushed her to him because I am so emotional and she needed comfort! I forgive her again. At some point the boys come home and she says his name during the fight. She leaves during the fight. Our boys ask me about the name. I do not answer and say that mom needs to be home to talk about everything and answer questions also. She comes home and the whole truth comes out. This is sometime after Thanksgiving I think early December I had kept everything from them up to that point and did not want them to know. She now blames me for wanting them to know.

Fast forward a little I decide to snoop and set up some voice recorders in the house and hear a couple of conversations between her and OM where she is basically going to hang in for several months to finish some schooling and setup a few things and then leave. I call the marriage counselor because I do not know what to do at this point and think that I no longer want to continue because she had agreed to end the affair and has still been lying. Councilor advising me not to say anything until we are in our next session. I feel like this is a blind side and she would be pissed and I am pissed and can't wait to the for the next session. I call and say that I think it would be better for me to step out of the picture because she is having such a hard time making up her mind. That night I tell her that I heard the conversations she obviously looses it and leaves. She calls later and asks if I am going to fair in the D and I say yes. I had always planned to be. She was my first love and I still never really did not want nor do I want a D now, but on that night I did not no what else to say or do. I had been sleeping on the other side of the house. I wake up with her sitting on my bed. She starts to apologize and goes back and forth from apologizing to accusing me of everything. I have from the begging of all of this admitted my part and felt that affairs take two. My actions caused part of the problem. I was not meeting an emotional need or maybe several. Don't get me wrong she committed the act and going outside the M is never an option, and now I know how much it hurts I would never wish this on ANYONE!!!!!!! She tells me she does not want a divorce and wants to try to work things out. She does not want to throw 20 years away, but is confused and torn with her feelings. It is now the February and the status according to her is she is working out her feelings is not seeing OM and hardly talks to him.

I feel like I am in limbo all of the time. I feel like I am in competition with the OM. I have moved back in to our bedroom for the last two weeks. I just do not know how much more time I am suppose to give her for her to make up her mind. I feel hurt and disrespected by this situation. She has said that one of the past problems with our marriage is that she did not understand why she was not lovable and could not figure out what was wrong with her. I told her not being able to make a decision on this relationship has made me ask the same questions about myself. This is a summary and I have left out a lot of details and facts I am sure, but I am at a loss. I do not want to put my family through a D and I do love my W. She is the only woman that I have ever wanted in my life and every time I think about walking away and loosing our history and what we built I feel lost and sick. Any advise is much appreciated. I have read the list of DBing rules and the 180 concepts and I am getting the book. Thanks in advance this is by far the most painful thing I have ever felt in my life.
JDM

Hi,
I am new here bomb 02/02/2014 found this forum 02/04/2014. Seen some really good advice here so figured I could use some. Me and my wife are high school sweethearts and have been together for 13 yrs and married for 3. I am going to start a thread and tell my story and hopefully I will get some advice.

M 30 W 29

Hi all, I'm very new here but I definitely could use some support/advice. My wife left and took our three young kids on Oct 3/2013 while I was away at work. I came home and they were gone. She's been living with her parents for the last 4+ months and we've had very little contact in that time. I still love my wife unconditionally and I'm doing everything I can to keep going despite being told it's over and there's no chance to reconcile. Our kids desperately want their Mom and Dad together so I won't give up.

I'm at a difficult point I never thought I would come to in my marriage. My wife is in physical and emotional affair with a co-worker. She said she will not stop seeng him, but not sure about future with him. He's seven yrs younger than her and a low employee at her office. She's still in full sexual relationship with this OM and told me she won't stop until she's ready to stop.

Let me explain how all this got started. WW and I were married 8 years ago. We were in love and had a 3yrs old daughter after 4 year of marriage. Our marriage is a little complicated due to the distance between us. We spent the first 2yrs apart because of her choice to go to school in a foreign country. She came back to the state after completing the first step of her program. We spent the next 1 year together at home like every other traditional family. she also used the opportunity to Prepared for her professional exam. It took her sometime to pass the exam and had to move to another state for 1 year to complete half of the the second leg of her degree. I visit her every month and pay all the bills, including clothing, shoes and living expenses. She was home for another 3month after completing the 1st year of the second part of her degree, she had to move to another state to complete the last part of her degree.

I was there for her financially and emotionally. I paid all the bills and travel to see her every month. She was home after completing the last part of her degree. I was excited and was looking forward to finally living more like a traditional family. The turn around came when she was rejected to train With her peers due to low score from one of her professional exams. She was depress and moody. I encourage her and reassure her that everything will be okay. We also pray together every night. 1 month after getting this bad news she was offered a fellowship position that will require her to move to another state and also help her join her peers in training. We prayed about it and had some serious conversation on how all this back and forth could affect our marriage. She reassured me that everything will be okay. I supported her and told her to go for it. I supported her finically because the job pay little or nothing. I bought her a brand new car, pay for the day care and other expenses. Her moving this time around was a little different because she had to move with our 3month old little girl. I continued with my usual routine of visiting every month for 1 year.

We finally got some good news last year regarding where she will be going for her training. I drove her for the interview and promise to move with her this time around. We had a good trip, we talked about the future and raising our daughter together. I was happy for her and looking forward to the big day. She spent another week at home after the interview. Everything seems okay. We visited family and friends but only got intimate once. Anyway we had some problem with that. She was more of a freak when we first got married. We get intimate almost everyday . Sometime morning and night. I first notice the draw back from her after the stress of her not able to join her peers for training. We went from getting intimate everyday to once a week. I never complained but supportive because of the stress of her not able to join her peers for training.

She had 4month left on her contract and had to go back to finish her fellowship last November. I immediately saw the shift a week after she left home. She told me about some guy that just got hired in her office. She told me the guy is full of himself and arrogant. I laugh it off and simple told her she like the guy jokingly. She replied by saying no way. I'm married and he's not my type.

Well my world and family came crumbling last December. I spoke to her briefly that afternoon and told her I'll be calling her once I get home from work to buy her and my daughter plane ticket to come home for Christmas. I called/text multiple times without any response that evening. She finally called me back 4hrs later. All I got was "sorry, I saw you called. You can do 5pm for the airline ticket. I'll call you later" I did not hear from her for the rest of the evening . She called me the next day and try engaging me in some small talk. I politely asked her what happened night before and why is she just calling me back. She was very quiet, so I ask her what's going on. She said nothing.

The next thing she said was mind blowing. "I don't think there's anything you can do to make make happy" So I asked her where all this's coming from. I asked if she's seeing another guy. Once again, she gave me the silent treatment and later said yes. We argue all day that Saturday. I asked her what I did wrong for her to disrespect me by talking to another man. She said sorry my feeling just change, and gave me the I love you but not in-love with you anymore crap. I was devastated. I cried and end up drinking too much that night. She claimed she was worried about me and called the cops that night from another state. I end up getting out of my house to avoid the cops from coming to my home. Anyway the cops find me and took me to the hospital because I've too much liquor in my system. I spent the night at the hospital while my wife talk all night with OM. She called her parent to come get me the next day because mobile crises was called and can only allow me to go home with family.

My wife came home two days after the incident and all we did was argue because of what happened. I've a 8 to 5 job but on call two three times a week. My wife spent hours talking to OM while am at work trying to provide for her and my daughter. The whole situation got worse one night she asked me if she could call him 11:30pm at night. I told her that will never happen. She asked if she could go outside and called OM. I was angry but told her to do whatever she chose, just to create a calm atmosphere between both of us. and my 3yrs old.

My wife returned back to where she work and affair continue. She told me she enjoy talking to him but they haven't had sex yet. Had to believe right. This's a woman who bought another phone when she was home to communicate with OM . Anyway, I was able to get some bad stuff on this guy through snooping and private investigator. I told my wife about it and she promise never to speak to him again. It's was all lies In fact they have become even closer and crazy about each other.

I finally got my answer last Sunday. The worst day of my life came to me while visiting her and my daughter last weekend. We both agreed that I'll take a cab from the airport and also stay in a hotel. She came to the hotel with my daughter that afternoon to take me out to eat. I was sad but kept my cool, I was not able to eat. I sat there and could hardly look at straight in the face. Her demeanor was different. She asked irrelevant question and give fake compliment. She took me back to the hotel and stayed for only 15mins. She told me she won't be staying with me at the hotel and I should spend time with my daughter alone. I told her okay. Unknown to me that she was leaving us at the hotel to go spend the night with OM. She called me next morning and asked if we need anything for breakfast. I told her NO, but she insist on bringing us some food to eat. Immediately she walked in I knew something was terribly wrong with her appearance. I asked her for the car keys so I can take the new car seat I bought for my daughter downstairs. She said No, and insist on going down stairs with me to the car. I finally agreed. I snoop around and couldn't find anything. We went back upstairs and she decided to lay down. Something tells me to go back to the car and check the trunk Immediately I opened the trunk I saw a bag with overnight cloth, underwear and another cell phone. I was shaking and crying. I turned the phone on and I saw the most damaging evidence. Text about how
She enjoy having sex with him and what he will like to do to him when next he sees him. They have sex in the one bedroom apartment she share with my daughter and also at his place. They share food, drink and everything. She even share part of her prescription with him because they were both coughing from doing.......some crazy staff to each other. I was hot. I went upstairs crying and upset. I confronted her and asked to tell me the truth. She finally told me everything. That she had sex with him like 25times, in fact she said a lot in 2month. She also said she went on a date with another guy from work before him, but nothing happened. I cried and couldn't help it in front of my little girl. She said she was lonely and couldn't control her feeling for this young man. She end up walking out with my daughter. She called the next day after talking to her family and said she want a divorce.

Let me give your some fact about her family. Her brother is married with kids but cheat on the wife with multiple women. Her dad does the same and her mother cheated on the dad in the past.

Her and OM also got a 44k Car out of me during this whole craziness. She talked me into buying a new car for her, not knowing her and OM planned the scheme together.

I'm not from here and no family around. So it's very difficult to cope with all this. My sister passed that Sunday night and that didn't deter her from caring for this guy. She was never there for me. She told me to go read some book and stop contacting her.

I know this woman is bad for me but I'm still in love with her. I want a good life for my daughter and I honestly want her back. I need serious help because the only way I can cope now is with drinking everyday. I just got suspended from my job for messing up my patient note. I'm not focus and could hardly think. Her family don't want anything to do with me now, her dad is the only one that call. He only called because I gave him 100k 2yrs ago when his business was going down.
I haven't got a dime back but story different on other investment.

I need some serious advice and how to go about things with this woman. I'm losing my mind and confused about everything. She said she want to be my friend and also help me go through this difficult time. I told her no way. You can do all this and expect me to be your friend. Communication with her and OM as gotten even more crazy. They text/talk multiple times a day. They pretty much hang out everyday she told me she enjoy sleeping with him and won't stop it until the affair run his course. I don't know what else to do at this point. I made some mistake by going after her, begging and getting emotional in front of her. I did not have anybody to
Advice me until I found this website. Pls help me! Losing my mind and everything I work hard for.

Hello,

I am new here. You can see in my signature some key data.

Some basics:

Retired Military - 21.5 years; married 17.5 of those. Lots of deployments. When I was home, I wasn't always "there"! Basic Neglect of emotional needs for wife. I have always been a very closed person emotionally. I am the typical DAM that felt being the "provider was enough. Instead of being there emotionally when she needed or complained, I felt attacked and that what I did wasn't good enough. I closed up and pursued my own interests to escape.

At first, she gave all the typical MLC scripted stuff, so I joined the Hero Spouse board. Recently, her head seems to have cleared, and she is making more sense and being assertive. The re-writing of history is gone. I found this site a couple months ago (about the time of MC/IC) and realized what I actually have is a potential WAW (with some MLT/C tendencies)

We came to a joint agreement to MC/IC, but her expectations are low.

I currently am reading DR; DB is on the way. Wasn't sure which to read so I got them both.

I will transfer this to my own thread and add more details.

Thanks.

-Azagtoth-

Hi, also new here.

About my situation. I met my wife in 1996. Fell in love and married in 2000. Had my son in 2003. A very difficult pregnancy for her. My son was diagnosed to be on the Autistic spectrum in 2006. I believed we were happy and a very loving couple. Something changed after my son was born. Our sex life slowed to a crawl and finally ceased. We have had sex 5 times in the last 11 yrs!

Naturally, I became very bitter and resentful so she became more withdrawn. I approached her many times for us to seek counseling but she refused stating she thought nothing was wrong and it wasn't me it was her issues. She suggested her going to doctors but in the end she did nothing. This made me very irritable and I projected all my daily stresses on her. I knew this was not fair but I couldn't help myself. I even developed some prostate conditions from not having sex anymore. She told me she was sorry and she would "help" out more but again did nothing. My self-esteem was at an all-time low.

After 9 yrs of banging my head against the wall in trying to reach her (the ultimate test of patience) she drops the bomb in 2012, saying it was me the whole time and she wasn't happy either. Really? I was crushed! Here I felt less than a man all these years not being able to please my wife, being patient, believing she would come around then she hits me with this.

Here's the rub. She WANTS to leave but she hardly works, has no car, and no money so she CAN'T leave! My family says I should throw her out but she has my son so I don't. I CAN'T! This has gone on for almost 2 more years. I used that time to beg, plead, cry, literally got down on my knees but I can't touch her heart. We went to counseling where I wanted to work on my marriage but to my surprise she only wanted to learn how to deal with the situation and be amicable. She didn't want to work on it. She told me that she loved me but wasn't IN love with me. I began to sleep on the couch, got back problems and became depressed. I couldn't believe I wouldn't get a second chance. There has been no affairs, no physical abuse, substance abuse or bad vices. I gave her a deadline to file. Doctor prescribed anti-depressants and the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I read the book.

On top of this my Grandmother, whom I was close to, passed because of cancer. I was basically done but decided to find a self-help book on dealing with divorce. Thank god I found MWD's "The Divorce Remedy". This book along with M/V opened my eyes completely. I realize that what we were going through was common and, because we did not know how to communicate, was almost inevitable. I realized that all her complaints about me was justified, just as all my reactions towards her were normal.

I love my wife. I still do. I believe when I said "I do" it was for life. I immediately employed the LRT. I stopped pursuing. Did a 180 (where I was cold I became warm). I did little loving things. I learned to listen without being critical and judgmental. I withdrew the deadline. I joined a gym and started visiting family members regularly. I realized all the hurtful things she was saying was because her hurt was deep. Her being irrational and illogical, to me, was because she was blinded by the pain even though outwardly she didn't show it.

I want to be patient. Lord knows i've already shown as much patience than any man i've known. My marriage being sex-starved is a gross understatement. MWD says in DR that there should be 1 month of work for every 1 year of hurt. That means almost a whole YEAR of work. I would absolutely be despondent if after all that work I still can't reach her. How long can I or should I employ MWD's techniques without a response before I give up? I still support her and my boy fully and at times I feel like a real sucker but I have no idea what to do. Im in real Limbo.

Thanks for listening.

Hi, I'm new of course. Been leaning on family and friends but I'm sure there is a lot to glean from others living the same problems. My W left Oct. 22nd 2013. I've been really emotional and having a hard time sticking to tactics of any kind. Every week I struggle with re examining my situation thinking I can just fix it by saying the right thing. Then I sit down and talk myself out of it and try to say nothing but still end up jabbering about whatever when she is around.

--------------------------------------------
Me 33 W 28
S 5 (Autistic)
M: 9 yrs.
T: 10 yrs.
Currently Separated

I would like some help, some advice please. My husband has announced he no longer loves me and no longer wants to be married. He will give no explanations. He has been away from our home for 4 weeks now, and has barely visited or spoken to me. We have 3 beautiful children under 6 who are missing him very much, they don�t understand. He has cut off contact with them too, seeing them once a week for an hour or 2. Neither do I. I thought we had a happy marriage, all be it with normal stresses, like money ,work , not getting to spend much time together. I never thought we were at this point. It�s like he has had a personality transplant. Up until the week before Christmas he was normal, affectionate and loving. Then it was like shutters came down inside him and will not open up. All he will say is he doesn�t love me, he has felt this way for a long time, he doesn�t think we�d be together if it weren�t for the children. He says I am horrible person he can�t stand to be around d and he doesn�t want to wake up in 30 years having been miserable the whole time.
He refuses to speak to me about it at all and says this is how he feels, there is nothing else to say. I don�t know where he has been for the past month, he says with friends I don�t know. His wages have still gone into the joint bank account so I have tried to keep things going as normal as I can. I have had 3 counsellor sessions that I invited him to, he said he would attend each one but pulled out at the last minute each time.
He wants to discuss officially separating today and I am so frightened of this conversation. I really don�t want this. We are in Australia and you have to be separated for 12 months before you can divorce, which is a small comfort, but he is so adamant. He doesn�t seem bothered either by the effect this us having on our children. Our daughters are 4 and 5 and they are missing him so much. Their behaviours have changed, they are very emotional and angry.
I have just read the divorce remedy, and I have already implemented the GAL as best I can (since he has left me with the kids on my own) and I have stopped all contact with him (unless it's about the children) and his family.
He will not speak to me, except via text message. He has started texting me asking me what I am doing, and when but i don't know if that is a good sign or if he is just trying to be controlling.
I am suspicious of him having an affair, which he denies. It's almost like a midlife crisis, that he is running from responsibility but he is only 29.
I jus don't know what to do.
Thanks.

Hi, I'm a newbie so bear with me as I learn how to use this forum.

I've been married 10 years, together 17. I'm 42 and he's 55.
3 years ago I had an affair. I ended it and we have been working on rebuilding for several years. He seemed to be fighting for me the first year and I responded by loving and spoiling him. I thought we were doing fine but on January 6th he announced out of the blue that he saw a lawyer and wants a divorce. There was no discussing it, his mind was made up. He won't go to counseling, I am reading lots of books on how to save your marriage alone. I received the marriage dissolution papers and he knows I don't want this divorce, but I felt that delaying it would only make him more angry. I took them to a lawyer and they are fair so I signed them. Now we're in a 2 month waiting period assuming he signed and returned them. He doesn't like to talk about it so I don't bring it up. He's still living in our house, I asked him to stay during the 60 day period and he declined. There has been zero fighting, we are still intimate and sleeping in the same bed. At first I was pursuing him and fighting to save it, then I realized it didn't seem to be helping. I started reading DB and am now distancing myself and attempting to GAL. I just saw the abbreviations so i'm still learning what all those mean. I have no idea when he's moving out. He says that he just can't forgive me. He has told no one. He has held in this anger all this time and I didn't realize it - he wasn't showing it. I've done everything I can to show him that I love him. He recently started testosterone replacement therapy and that's when I think some of these changes came on, he got confidence back which is a good thing and some women at his office were hitting on him and it seems maybe he thinks the grass is greener on the other side now. I really think 17 years is worth fighting for. I have apologized sincerely many times, I stopped all contact with the OM, I really thought it was in the past - that is where I want to keep it. I realize it takes years to heal from my mistake and it seemed that we were. Apparently he has decided it's not worth fighting for and this is the only way he can heal. Basically i'm here reading and looking for support. I'm hoping that he will want to reconcile, but I don't think he'll be open to that until he actually moves out. Thanks for listening.

Hi All

Im new here - been hanging around in the back for a few weeks, but now it is really time to post.

JUst posted my sitch in the Newbies section - called "I need all the help I can get"

My W is a classic WAW, and I can really see our M when I read Michelles WAW description.

We live in the same house - same bed - and have 2 young children S3, D1.

I need help implementing GAL, 180 and detatchment. I want to go dark but it really is hard in the same house, and I don't want to alienate or leave my kids.

im a very needy guy and really struggling.

Thanks for listening
D

Just submitted my thread.

Short version. Been together for 6 years (married over 4). Two kids (5, 2). Have grown distant after birth of 2nd child. Wife dropped the "we need to talk" bomb on 1/2/14. Made every mistake possible for the next four weeks. Acting suspicious for no reason. Looking at internet history/phone records. Etc. Started fighting nearly every day in late-January. Finally came to a head on 1/24/2014 which led to a separation (me leaving the house to stay elsewhere because my wife is a stay-at-home-mom). Try MC on 2/7/14. Found out that I was totally committed to saving the marriage and my wife realized how happy she is with me not being there. Not sure how much of that is the truth with her but her outward emotions/mood are constantly mixed. She is now getting a job and indicated she wants to get her own place once she has a job. Could be weeks, could be months, could never happen.

nice to meet ya - guess we found the right place - I felt like I was the only one going through all this crap and after reading so many current stories I know I'm not alone. Hopefully these boards will help you too, we're all here to listen and some of the others that have been through this will help us out with advice I'm hoping

I tried posting a new topic under "For Newcomers" and nothing happened. Are topics/postings held on moderation before they are shown? I don't see my entry anywhere.

Hello, W-dropped the bomb on me that she is done with the M and she has no desire to fix it. She has been to two counseling sessions and it seems she gets more distant after these sessions.

We have been married for 3 1/2 years and together for 6yrs. She has a son 14 and I have a daughter 11. this is my second marriage. We have a house together.

W told me today 2/13/14 she has filed for D, My heart sank!, I held my composer, she did bring up the relationship and how it has given her great pain to come to this. I did tell her that I know it wasnt easy coming to this conclusion. I did give her a request, asking for more time, she said no. I have begun making changes to myself all ready. I don't suspect an affair, however she seen that I have familywhere (tracking system)on our cell phones and that really made her angry, she told me it was crazy to track her, it tracks mine, hers and my D. That seem to cause her to file. I say this because up until this point she kissed me and said I love you everday before she left for work. The last time she did was Tues 2/11/14. She even stopped calling me.

W has told me one of the biggest issues is how her son and I have a strained relationship. I met her when he was 8yrs old and he was running the house. What I mean is he was still sleaping in her bed, watching t.v till late hours even on school nights etc... I told W that he should be in his own bed at that age. Make a long story short we broke him of some of these habits and I believe this caused a strain on our relationship. I eventually backed off after we went to counseling about it after we got married near the first year of marriage.

W told me there is nothing that I can do to change this. She has told me her complaints in the past, like drinking to much, not spending time with her, not spending family time and not helping around the house. The sad part is I had this book DB before from my first marriage and my wife then had several affairs and I never went back to reading the DB principals. I fell in a rut.

I'm a Police Officer and I see a very negative world, I see the worst of worst in people and what they do to one another and I allowed myself to escape it by drinking and then not having any energy for my W and Kids.

I feel like such a failure, I must maintain control and order on the streets and I cant even keep a family together.

W told me she should of left 2 yrs ago and I knew about DB and I did nothing. I did admit my wrong doings to her and apologized for failing our M and family. She cried and told me this isnt easy, I tod her I know. She then went to bed. So this is where I'm at. I have to get some goals together and my main one is no drinking no matter how bad I feel.

If you go to "mystuff" near the top, then click on "posts" it will show you what you posted. they are in moderation though since we're new.

I am so sorry to hear your story. I can relate, my H told me he wanted a D on 1/6 and my heart dropped too. I did a lot of the wrong things at first - thought I was fighting for the marriage by pursuing but seems that it just pushed him away so now i've done a 180 and am detaching - GAL. I too asked him to stay, he knows I don't want the D but the papers are now going through. I signed because to delay would only make him mad and I have to let him go and hope he figures out the grass isn't greener. I think mine is in a MLC though. Read everything you can on here, it really helps. I haven't gotten responses to my posts yet but it does help just reading what others have gone through and the advice given and tips on what helps. If her mind is made up, you can't change it, you can't control it, she has to do that on her own. Give her space, focus on changing yourself and she will notice. Read the book again, I'm reading The Divorce Remedy and everything I can on mid life crisis. Every day is a new day, just take it one a time. You're not alone.

It does sound like it could be MLC. There is a board on here that has A LOT of good information about that and tips - I've been reading it, I think my H is in one too. Similar situation, out of the blue he asks for a D. He hasn't moved out yet but will in a few weeks I think. I asked to work on it and he does not want to, his mind is made up. Currently trying to detach and GAL. He has to figure this out on his own. Read everything you can about it and see if it fits. Keep posting, we can help each other.

My W did tell me she does want to listen to what I have to say, My W told me she has always settled for second best, she blames this on her Father, because everything she did seemed it was never good enough for him, so she always settled for second. The question I have is My W is a talker and we use to just sit around and talk all the time. We still do it we did it last night and it was about the relationship, I did tell her that things can and could be better with time, she does seem open to it. I say this because she told me she doesnt have a problem listening to what I have to say.

Let me clear one thing up, I did some drinking and yes some days I drank and some days I didn't. I would some times drink 1 beer or 10, it just depended on what i was stressing about. I have stopped its been 4 weeks or so, and she has noticed this. I started changing about then.

Last Saaturday the W and I went out on a date and we had a great time. We even went to church. One thing I can tell you is when W and I use to go to church often our relationship always seemed better. Our busy schedules get in the way and we needed that as a priorty.

My W came into the room this morning and told me she was leaving for work and would talk to me later. I work afternoon shift and it has played a role in our R. Being on this shift is not going to help me DB because it limits my time being around her because I only see her on my days off which is 2 a week. My W has told me she has gotten use to me being gone and her S likes it when I'm gone. As I said before me and her sone have a strained R. I always attempt to talk to him and he's pretty reserved. My W has told me that is one thing she Hates that I did, she told me this last night. I want to fix this mess and I know making changes for myself is for me and it may or not win her back.

The thing that I Know about my W is she seems to still care, however she doesnt want to show me. I know she's scared of everything going back the way it was.

My question is what if my W wants to work on the M and I show her DB and DR, and she wants to do it is it ok to do this and would it be beneficial for the both of us to post on the site? Just a thought.

So...in regards to detachment. I've read Sandi's rule and have read DR but I don't have clarity on where the lines in conversation are specifically. One of the things my W seemed to be bothered by was a lack of being told how great she looked. Should I still avoid saying that or is it appropriate to tell her she looks beautiful when we see each other?

Also, I see that I am not supposed to pursue but does this mean I should never make contact unless its about S?

And then I know I'm not supposed to ask her to go out places with me until R phase but what about asking her to come along when taking my S places?

If more details needed feel free to read the story.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...940#Post2429940
I get so much conflicting advice from family I just feel like some more experienced people may have better perspective.

Okay, question....my W keeps making small jabs at things she has blown out of proportion. I've tended to be critcal of small things through the 9 years of items around the house I don't like. Pictures on the walls that seem ill placed, decorations I'm not fond of, etc... So she made mention today of coming to pickup some stuff on Tuesday like this stand up mirror in the bedroom. I don't mind that she is getting these things but she took the time to say 'that mirror you always hated'. I don't hate the mirror. I made several comments about it years ago when it took up a lot of room when we had an apartment and when we first moved into our house but nothing since. I think she is just dragging up anything negative I have ever said.

I want to say something about not remembering the worst things about me and clarify but thats wrong isn't it? I hate this... it feels like she just keeps dragging out the worst things and making me into a continuously larger monster. I want to say something but I'm afraid it will turn into nothing but counter points arguement.

What is safe to say? "That mirror kinda grew on me, I'll be sad to see it go?" Or maybe "I'm glad you kept that mirror" Or am I just better off saying nothing?

Thanks TL72, I have read DR and DB again and many threads here.
I actually have made some changes that my W has already taken notice, and she sure is pissed about them.

I'm sorry your going through this also, the things I have been doing have been helping me a lot. I'm sitting her right now filled with peace, thanks to God!

I'll Bring you up to speed. W got pissed about family tracking on cell phone, she gets new cell phone and number on Wednesday 2/12/14. I still dont have the number, she contacts me from my D or Step S phone. I havent even asked for the number. A goal is for her to give me th number on her own. Mind you any conversation is started by her, I only talk when she talkes to me.

Valentines day she seems depressed, I did engage talk with her about the things I have done wrong in our M. I see she's depressed in the bedroom, I take charge and have her sit between my legs and I give her a shoulder massage. I ask her if I'm making her uncomfortable she says no. I do it for a little bit and then I got ready for work. Afternoon shift stinks!

I come home saturday night get in bed and W told me good night, I tell her same and I roll over so my back faces her and she makes this noise that usually means "thats it" trust me I know this noise. I ask her if she said something she replies oh no. WE go to bed, I'm not pursuing her.

I start to act as if, I don't engage any conversation with her unless she starts it. I usually even end it. I make sure when we are home together I'm not bothering her.

Sunday morning I get up, I see W is all dressed up, she getting ready for church. I walk into kitchen she tells me she's going to church, I said ok, and I tell her I was going to take the kids at 11am, She asks what church, I reply st. so and so and she says I thought you didn't like that one, I told well its church and it will be fine. I ask her politely if she would like to come with, she said and mumbled something about being alone. I ask step S if he would like to come with me and D, he replies no I go during school, he's in a school. I look to see what time service starts at this church that just open close to our house and it starts at 10:30. So I leave and I'm driving getting closer to it and I tell D we should just go to other church, getting little nervous of this new church, I decide to stay my course, NOW THIS WHERE IT GETS INTERESTING. I pull into the church driveway ans a sign saying "Marrige Builders Confrence" FEB 14 & 15. So I missed this would been nice to go to.

I get in church with D we get to our seats and service begins. The service is about Fighting For Your Family. Ironic for sure. The scripture is "Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes" Nehemiah 4:14b ESV. I put this on Facebook because it sruck me in my heart, because here I am right now Fighting For My Family. Funny how God had me go to that church and not the other one.

W see's the post on Facebook and sends me this private message"interesting how you would quote something where you fight for your brother first and your wife last. Ironic. Who are you fooling. My name...not me. Go ahead and set it up to make sure you come out smelling like a rose."

I replied to it and probably shouldn't of. I said "It was todays service about Nehemiah to fight for your family, has nothing to do with whos listed first or last in this bible scripture. I'm sorry you feel this way about it.

W replied "All of a sudden you're quoting bible versus. Your not sorry...it angers me that you're putting on this act. I never replied to this, I did not want to get baited into a argument with her. Its like an Alien took over or the Devil.

I can tell you by going to church has made a huge diffrence, I don't know why I ever stopped going.

I'm at work W calls me, She hasnt been calling me or texting me much lately not like we where doing 2 weeks ago. Anyway she calls me from Step S phone. She ask me so you went to that new church I see. I reply yes and it was really nice. She ask me about the scripture i posted on FB and the refrigerator because it had some fill in blakes so you follow along better. I was excited to tell her about the service and I explain it to her and she was like ok. she then tells me I went to the same church but the other one across town, the pastors are brothers. I tell her that we could go next Sunday together if she likes and she almost snapped my head off OH NO that wont happen. I see she's annoyed so I decide to end the call, of course she doesn't like that and I tell her its busy and I have to go so we say bye.

W calls me back about 5 mins later. I should of never answered it, but I did. W tells me that she was rude for acting like that and apologizes and said its ok. W asks me why are you all of sudden going to church, I reply because I need it and its good for me and the kids. W then tells me so your going be better for someone else, referring that I will be better for the next person and why didn't you do this me. She then says don't you want to ask me anything, I pause not sure what to say so I just reply do you want me to ask you something. W says that not what I asked. I don't know how to answer this question and simpl say no. W then says Oh I see your ok with all of this and I havent talk to you in 2 days. W then says a couple of days ago you werent like this and now your all good. W Ask what are you doing how are you handeling this I simply told her I'm confronting it head on. She doesnt understand me, she trys to bait me into an argument or wanting to know my DB secrets I won't reveal them. being down and depressed. I notice she is getting more depressed as I keep acting as if. I had actual fun today at church and work. I laughed alot at work today. Don't get me wrong there was good conversation when she called me while I was at work but then she gets annoyed. Thats when I get off the phone. She did ask me, what do you think this is going to do, referring to how I have been more up beat and making it like it doesnt matter what I do she's not changing her mind. She did tell me to little to late and I replied better late than never. and thats when she told me I would be all good for the next women. BLah BlaH BLAH.

I do know she is seeing my changes and even challanging them and not believing in them. I have come to a relization these changes are for me and if she comes back then she gets a better man.

I see alot of clarity and all of my faults that have caused this M to be in this state. I'm going to write them down and then throw them away and continue to improve me no matter what happens. Don't get me wrong I LOVE MY W, but I have to let her go on her own journey and if she ends up back with me then Awesome. If not then I become a better man.

I forgot W asked me something along the lines of Who this is all for and really kinf=d of froze not sure how to answer didn't want to put any pressure on the R and say Us or anything like that. She said who you? I did say yes, because it is for me and if you stay it would be for you to. I didn't tell her this I thought it.

I almost get a sense she wants me to broken down and why does it seem she wants me to pursue her, like she wants me to bring up our R etc..asking me if I want to ask her anything. They sure can confuse a person.

I got up this morning and W was babysitting her girlfriends son, he's and he spent the night. I like this little guy he is one of the best babies I have ever come across, even W thought so. I told him that he had the best baby sitter in the world and he couldn't go wrong. W over heard me and she said I don't know about that. I just said to him yes she is.

W went to her counseling meeting today, so I've beeen reading abunch of blogs while she's gone. I'm taking my step S, D and her cousin to an arcade today, so we can have some fun. GAL.

I was wondering alot of these situations on here, I notice we have to become this person who has to balance everything on type rope. I mean like really listen to them give them support and empathy. Something I have not done in a long while even though I'm not engaging the conversation first, I have to apply this, and I think I missed a clue when I got into bed the other night when she made the noise referring thats it when I rolled over and said good night. I think she wanted a kiss, we have kissed eachother every night since we have been together. I do know a little later on she asked If I was sleeping ok, I said yes, she said she feels tension in the bed. I said I can go sleep in the other room, she said no. I did feel some tension and its because I normally kiss her and then snuggle her. We havent sinse she filed for D.

I really need to figure this out better. I have been feeling ok inside and I really don't want to lose this women, she has a ton of awesome qualities. I don't want to focus on any of her bad ones, as a matter of fact I forgive her for them.

many times my W has told me we have issues, like a fight or blow out which we didn't have often and the next day would come and I would treat it like its anew day and it never happened. I'm guilty as charged. I now know I have to listen to her and validate her feelings and not sweep it under the rug.

I know I'm jumping all over the place but these things are popping in my head and I want to get them out there.

The thing that has me concerned is this phone switch and her not giving me the number, also her taking her rings off. She did tell me that they are in a safe place and she didn't want me trying to take them off her finger like I tried when I was drunk one time. Idiot I was with that drinking at times. I havent drank in 4 weeks. Big change there.

I'm not sure if there is anyone else EA or PA, i could check the old phone records from her phone and I have checked it before and most are her girlfriends I know the numbers. Thing is does it really matter at this point. I have to keep on improving me. If she was seeing OM can I stop it, probably not. is it a deal breaker for me if she had a PA, probably not, I believe EA is worst than the PA.

Question is, I need to figure her out in what the heck she is telling me, she talks in code. I better go read men are from mars and women are from venus again.

Hi everyone!

I had a wonderful relationship with my husband before we got married. We both came from 2 dysfunctional families and we both were far too emotional .

My British Indian husband left me when I was 8 months pregnant (September 2012) because we were always fighting and a therapist had apparently advised him to "stay away from me" as much as possible because we fought.So instead of spending time with him as a newly married couple, after work he would go to his mom's (84 years old). He would also flirt with another women two weeks after our wedding because he said "he felt depressed because of me".
When I became pregnant same thing. He was always at his mom's. One day I turned to his mother's place and asked him to solve our problems and stop hiding. We had a row and he slapped me. Social Services became involved and then we went on honeymoon to Cancun where he exploded again and verbally abused me for silly things.

In August 2012 he begged me to live our marital home 8 months pregnant because "we were fighting". Yes, I was incredibly emotional and I was furious to be married to a man who would not buy a baby coat because "he was angry with me".

I left our marital home and moved to another place. I gave birth and when my child was 14 months he attacked me and I fought back. He ended up in prison for a night.

In May 2013 he made allegations against me and threatened to hit me and take away our son from me. At that point I was granted a non-molestation order and he was only allowed to see our son on a supervised basis a hour per week.

Recently we went to court to arrange his contact with our son. I am the resident parent and he can now sees him a day every week with the intention to extend it in the future.

My opinion is that I contributed to many of our problems and I admit that. I worked with a psychoterapist, Chuck from DB, mentors and I am currently studying the Bible to get rid of my resentment and anger. It's working miracles. However, I spoke to my husband last week, we've been separated for 17 months and haven't spoke for 9 months until last week. He knows that he has problems but he blames me for almost everything, which is scary. I believe that he is living in denial. He considers himself a victim of domestic violence because I scratched him on one occasion and grabbed his arm. I had become violent and defensive. I do not blame him but he has been incredibly cruel to me. he neglected me as a wife and as a mother of his child. I was ignored and blamed for everything.

My goal is to see my baby happy and this is happening. I have a diplomatic and polite interaction with his dad to arrange contact.

I wish he saw his faults but I have come to realize that I cannot help him. I can only help myself. DB helped me and is still helping me to work on my emotional and material independence instead of relying on someone who can only blame now.

Yes, it may sound crazy but I would like to give him another chance. It's too early now but who knows. He is looking for psychological help. Fingers crossed. I still love him and don't feel like giving up.

Lats week he told me that it usually takes 5 years for a couple to heal from domestic violence according to doctor. He also said that he just wants to work hard in these 5 years and buy a house. He hasn't mentioned getting back together but maybe he is contemplating the possibility. I don't know.

Hello new here so let me introduce myself.
My wife walked out WAW on 1/26/14, 2/10/14 moving into an apartment. She tells me our marriage is a charade. She says she needs to reevaluate our relationship. She says that she doesn�t want a divorce and will have to see where this goes. I love with you, but I am not in love with you. I am beginning the process of working to be a better person and GAL. She has been very angry, and then she disengaged with me the last year. I crawled in hole and stayed there. It seemed at the time better than engaging as it was better than arguing about things I had done and said I was sorry for. We have been married 21 years and we have had our ups and downs. I am 52 years old and she is 51. We have a 15 year old daughter who is here at home with me. So far she has not suggested taking our daughter with her just that oure daughter should not have to suffer for our transgressions. So I am beginning the work on me efforts. We do talk and she is totally straightforward that she thinks we are not good for each other, that I am emotionally unavailable and unable to love. She has unplugged from the marriage and says she is responsible for her portion of how this came about as well. I am beginning to deal with this emotionally although it�s hard not to slip back into depressed state even though I have worked at accepting the divorce is eminent and to let go! That is the hardest part as I do love her dearly. My questions are many but I�ll let you folks provide any advice you can provide.
I tried being friendly and rational and disinterested and that does help, however I had a hard time when she moved temporarily to her friends for two weeks until the apartment became available. It was tough seeing her so I asked for some time and separation. It just tears me up emotionally to see her. I am trying to act as rationally and disinterested as possible in aftermath of the split. I have talked to her about counseling and she is not opposed to it. I don�t want to push though and wonder when I should ask her to go to counseling. I can wait until she is ready.I work and caring for our daughter, cleaning the house and all the other chores take time. I am reading Divorce Remedy and am going to read and re-read. Time is a precious commodity and I want to make sure our daughter is not neglected so I spend any time I have with her just being there and doing fun things or whatever she wants. I have also just tried to get my mind off this a bit and have tried just to give myself some space from it so it doesn�t consume me.
By the way Sandi2's 37 Rules are great! I am trying to follow!
Thanks

Hi,
I'm new to this forum and I believe that I need all the help I can get. My wife recently started becoming very distant, and over Christmas went by herself to visit her brother in a different country than where I live. I took this as betrayal to our home and child, because she left on the 26th of December and came back on the 3rd of January, leaving me and our child alone to spend the New Year's. What I hadn't realized was that she was trying to distance herself from me, and think about how to ask me for a divorce. After she came back I confronted her, and she said that she wanted to leave and take the child with her. I asked her, pleaded her, to give us a second chance, but after a couple of weeks she decided that she did not want to have any physical relationship with me, and in fact she wanted to stay by herself and with our child. I thought that I should leave the house, but after I regained my composure, I told her that since she wanted to break the marriage, she should be the one to move out, and without the child. She finally said no, and she decided that she needed time by herself, to think things through. She said that she would take the time in our house, but with us having no contact whatsoever.

We have been married for 10 years, and had been dating for 10 more, living together for the past 15 years. And this is where we are now, one week into this period of "living together but separately". She sleeps with the child, and I sleep in our bedroom by myself.

After reading a lot on here, I realized that pleading, begging, and telling her I love her is not going to help much. But I am in extreme psychological pain. I cannot think about anything else other than this situation and how we arrived here. I need to know that it is possible to win her back, because I love her dearly and do not want to see my family become a broken home. I am willing to set things straight and do whatever it takes to win her back.

She is now closed to the world, though. She says that one too many times she has made decisions based on what other people told her, and she now wants to take the time to make up her own mind by herself. And while I understand that, I am so scared that she will come back and say that she finally decided to get a divorce. As I said, she is my whole world, and I was entirely and completely unaware that I was causing her so much pain. She says she was screaming to me, begging me to take action, but I was so unaware and in my own little world, that I never heard any of it... Until now, where I think it may be too late.

I need help. What can I do?

I will update this once my thread has been approved.
_____________________
M 38 W 38
D 7
M 10

Hello,

I am currently physically separated from my wife and two children. We are not legally separated. She indicated she wanted a divorce back in November. We went to a very inexperienced marriage counselor at the local college because it was much more inexpensive. Lets just say out of this whole process of attempting to get back together that was quite possibly the worst decision ever.

I don't know if I am supposed to type everything out here or not. Or just introduce myself/situation. So I will start with that.

I can call/text my wife. I can talk to my kids. I have them almost every weekend. I am attempting the LRT but with kids it is somewhat difficult. Just prior to reading the LRT in the book I had asked my wife out to coffee while the kids are in school. It went ok. We have plans to do it again this friday.

She wants to be friends. She wants an amicable divorce. I have told here many times that I do not. There have been really heated fights about this. One in December was what lead to me not staying in my home any longer. Without details it got ugly fast and I moved in with my mom.

There is so much I don't know if I should write it all down here or submit a new thread for the sake of brevity/congruity.

I have the books, DB and DR, I havent read DB I am currently on step 6 in DR.

So, Should I just start a thread and begin discussion there? Or should I just let the keys fly here?

blinded, I'm sorry your here. The best thing for you at this time is to focus on you, and read sandi's 37 rules and start to apply them. NO more beggignig and pleading, no more I love yous. You need to focus on you, not your W, she has to go through her own journey. If you continue to focus on her, you're going to push her further away. Listen I'm in the same boat. This is going to be a long slow process. good luck.

Well, I've been reading here for about a month now, and finally got up the courage to post and introduce myself. I realize I need some support and this community seems like a good place to start.

Married under a year, but dated 2 years prior. No kids.
Our first year of marriage has been a disaster to say the least. Brief timeline:
- We decided to get married in January of last year (2013)
- He lost his brother to suicide in February and it caused some huge issues for us He asked me not to attend the funeral - his reasoning was that he wanted me to stay separate from the funeral so that he could return to me and pretend things were ok/have a safe place. I failed pretty miserably at supporting him the way he needed and ended up causing some pretty big fights. I thought everything was ok, but as we have progressed I have realized how the mistakes I made here, have never really healed.
- May - we got married
- June - I picked up my life and moved across the country to his military base

Things were ok the first few months, but October - December things just got bad. I think he is dealing with depression but won't admit it. He used to be a fun, happy person who loved doing social things and going on adventures. Now I'm lucky if I can get him to leave the house to go to the grocery store on the weekend. He's also drinking heavily, often in secret. I'll notice that half a bottle of wine will be gone between 10am-2pm while I'm gone on weekends. I never said anything about it, but between his depression and my pushing him to be more affectionate it caused huge fights. We started going to marriage counseling in January. Made it 2 appointments before he admitted to the me in a session that he is done. Doesn't see himself with me, thinks he is better off alone in the future and that it is easier to end things now then keep trying. That was middle of January.

He said all that, but followed it up with that he still loves me. Wants what is best for me, etc. I decided to spend the weekend with my brother and give him and myself space to process. After 4 days he asked me when I was coming home. I asked him if he wanted me there and he said "yes, but only if you can be happy".

I came home and we are now in this weird phase, I'm not sure what to call it. I started reading this site (and ordered the book, which I'm only a few chapters into). My plan, if I can call it that, has been to focus on myself. I've started going to networking events, got back into yoga and working out, and generally just focusing on myself and how I can be a better person.

I "think" there has been some positive change, but I honestly don't know. He comes home every night, he seems to want to be around me (I don't push him to be, but if I'm watching TV in one room he will often come in and put a movie on to watch with me). He cuddles with me on the couch, rubs my feet unprompted and generally seems to want to be close to me almost every night.

Beyond cuddling, we rarely kiss, and there hasn't really been anything beyond that. I've tried a few times to kiss him and he usually will, but pulls away quickly and tells me he isn't in the mood. Last week, he kissed the back of my head as we walked into a store completely unprompted. He'll occasionally wrap his arms around me and hug me randomly as well but its sporadic, and I try not to push for it.

I'm not sure whether I'm causing the depression (because he wants to leave but is staying for me) or whether the depression is from the loss of his brother and Im the collateral damage. He's under immense stress at work, and I'm trying to limit anything I do that causes him stress, but I'm struggling and feeling very alone and unloved.

I have glimmers of hope when his mood seems to pick up and he seems to want to be around me, but it usually fades quickly. This week has been full of him not wanting to be around me (hiding in his computer room) and avoiding touching me at all costs.

Anyways, apologies if this is too long for an intro post. I haven't really talked to anyone beyond a few close friends because they all can't understand why I am staying and trying to fix this rather than just leaving if it is so clear he may not love me anymore.

Hi all
Just an update I guess. Any advice from people is greatly appreciated too. Feel like in drowning sometimes.
He is contacting me a little more, but only about the children, and only ever by text message. My parents took is away for the weekend last week to the beach and he kept texting, asking how they are, and for photos. If he cares do much, why is he never seeing them when we are home?
When he does come home, he walks in, totally makes himself at home. Helps himself to the fridge, showers etc. but he hasn't stayed here in early 2 months. He is still technically paying for it (his money still goes to the joint account so I am just paying for things as normal) but he likes to remind me at times that it is MY house. If it's MINE, why doesn't he pack up his crap, give me the keys and leave properly?

He hasn't told the children anything, they think he is at work all the time. The younger 2 but it, but the eldest knows something is up. I don't know what to tell get and doesn't want to tell them anything. I find that very hard, as their emotions go up and down and I get to deal with the fall out alone.

I am trying hard to GAL. I have joined a gym, started playing sport again and been out with friends. I don't contact him unless he contacts me, so I got a sitter the other night when I went out. The kids told him and he told me next time to get him to babysit. I don't like the idea of that. Why should I tell him my plans when I don't even know where he is staying or who with.

It feels like he is happy with the current situation. He can leave and be 'single' and responsibility free, see the kids once a week and just play happy families. He hasn't told anyone what he is doing, no one in his family or friends who have known both of us. So when he is here and puts pics of the family on Fb, everything looks great. It's so weird. What does he want? He says he doesn't want me, and he won't touch me, looks at me with these cold hard eyes. He will talk about his work, the gym, his interests but never asks how I am. I have lost over a stone and he apparently hasn't noticed.
If he is so sure about this, like he says he is, why won't he just commit one way or another? Either agree to talk and try to work it out or actually move, pack his stuff and leave. We can go to mediator and get it all officialky sorted out, rather than this weird limbo we are in right now.

I am trying to leave it to him, he started this, he can make the next move. But it's so hard!

Hi Tornup,
I noticed you get more feedback when you post a new thread in another category. I'm going to try that myself.

hope you are doing ok.

Started new thread but copying here too...

Here goes....

Me & my husband have been together nearly 12yrs, we were best friends & very close at school then got together at 18. We've been married for 6yrs.

My H struggled with addictions (cocaine/alcohol) and although it's been an underlying problem for years it's slowly become more of a problem over the past 3 or so years. 6mths ago it all became too much & I asked him to leave, he moved into his parents house & things quickly deteriorated, he ended up a rehab treatment centre 4 months ago & has been clean since.

In the past he's mentioned he doesn't always feel in love with me & has had doubts etc but we've plodded on through addiction & became consumed by it, when he came out of rehab he told me he loved me more than anything & he wanted to prove himself to me with the hope of getting back together, I didn't know how I felt & didn't feel any love for him at the time but we tried to resolve some past issues & my feeling began to come back, unfortunately we ended up back in the cycle we were in before just minus the drugs and he walked away 5 weeks ago saying he doesn't love me

It broke my heart & I thought he was crazy but now I've had time to reflect I think that us being apart right now & working on ourselves is the best thing - we lost our identities & both want to find who we are again.

He's sticking by the statement "I don't love you like I should" and that too much has happened and he can't handle it right now - he's said he doesn't want divorce yet & he doesn't know how he'll feel in the future but right now we can't be together, he's openly admitted this he's 'sitting on the fence'. I can see that it's all too much for him to handle so he's just shut off & walked away, thrown himself into work and his new found freedom. He's also become close to a female he met in rehab, she's apparently gay (he told me this a long time ago) but they have still developed a close relationship, I'm sure there's nothing physical but defo emotional - he says they're just friends & get on well so she supports him, he said they do talk/text and see each other at meetings but there's nothing romantic going on.

We have 2 children together plus a business so I've been trying to do the 180 as best I can and keep contact minimal - he's keen to still be best friends & to still do things as a family, he seems very confused & gives very mixed messages. He's got lots of resentments towards me & so much guilt from how he's treated me in the past, he feels like I trapped him in our relationship and that he wasn't able to be who he wanted to be, I absolutely take some of the responsibility as to why we're here but he seems very eager to forget his part right now, maybe that makes what he's doing easier idk?!

He's still happy to spend time with me "as friends" which I'm taking as a positive thing, I'm trying to focus on the here & now and working on myself but when we do see each other make it as positive as possible. My main aim is reconciliation when we're both ready, he can't see past how he feels now at the moment. We've been to RC purely for the kids, we've agreed to work on our communication & avoiding conflict, also to notice & point out each other's positives, we don't have an apt for about 6 weeks now though so will see how things go.

I want to avoid divorce if possible and try to get to know each other again, fresh start and see what happens... If it's not meant to be then I can accept that but I don't want to give up without a fight as we've never both actively tried whilst he's been in recovery. I really believe he does love me underneath but right now doesn't want to feel it. He wants mental space, we've agreed to not talk about the future as neither of us know what will happen, it's so hard at times but I have to do it because talking about it just pushes him away, he's been a little more open & bringing things up himself recently which is good. I know this is going to take time & I need to just let him go through this process but at the same time it's very hard emotionally as I love him & want it to work! I want to create positive time together to give the opportunity for him to see that it's not all bad yet at the same time I don't want to just be a pushover and allow him to have the best of all worlds!!

Any help or advice would be great - really need support right now! Any questions or things I've missed please ask away too x

WOW, These WOW sure can take you for a roller coaster ride with there ups and downs. I don't even know what to think, believe, hear or see anymore.

I had A DB coach call and he pretty much told me that I was on track with my changes. He did tell me that all WAW have to things in common.

1. They know everything about you, so there is no mystery.

2. When they see your changes they don't trust them, they believe if they come back you will go back to the way you were befor.

I believe this. The other real important thing that I read everywhere especially when it comes to women is they have to be attracted to you again. This leaves me with these 2 questions

1. How create mystery again?
2. How to be attractive?

Women this is where you need to chim in and give us men your expertise in this. The things that you find attractive in a man and if he's mysterious why do you think he is.

Hi
I'm 6 months in. H works away 80% of the time but when home over the summer was very depressed but wouldn't say why-I tried to cheer him up and get him to seek help but ended up getting frustrated (especially as he was refusing sex). In Oct he just didn't come home. Got himself a flat 300 miles away. Been back for weekends at first (on sofa) but since a breakdown that made him leave on Xmas day, he has only been to see the kids for a few hours every couple of weeks. We still haven't told them he's left.

He had an awful childhood and admits feeling as bad as when he was being abused and beaten. He doesn't know who he is and says he always did what I wanted. He thinks I don't listen and isn't connected to me.

I've done all of the begging and pleading wrong. He needs space to find himself and I have only just started my 180. Hope it helps. We were enjoying life together until last July so I'm still in shock and despite trying to GAL I still have a pain in the pit of my stomach
X
W 36
H 37
M 10 T 18
S14 D10 S6
BD Oct 13 never came home
OW probable

My Story�.

I�ve been married for 16 years, I was 22 and H was 21 when we got married. I got pregnant on our honeymoon. (was told by Dr I couldn�t have kids). Our marriage wasn�t perfect we had issues just like most couples, Kids, money, family, past hurts. (H had really bad childhood, lost both parents and sister)
I thought my husband loved me and would always be faithful. I never second guessed his commitment to me. He knew some issues I had from my past and he would never hurt me on purpose. H is shy and an introvert, has a very stressful job and works a lot of hours. When he would be distant he would always say he was busy and stressed at work. I would also tell myself that his childhood past was the reason he couldn�t be affectionate with me. That he loved me in his own way. That he didn�t have a father that taught him how to be a man and how to treat his wife. He is a great dad and he does what he needs to provide for his family. Even though we had issues I Loved him and I thought our marriage was okay. Boy was I wrong.
On Sept 27 2013 my world came crashing down. For some time my H was being more distant not really wanting to talk to me when I would ask questions not going places with me spending more time on his computer or phone. I had asked him twice (the last time was a week before the truth came out) if he had cheated on me and both times he answered NO! I felt that there was more to the story so one day I went online to look at his phone log ( I have never done this before) what I found was the same number called 37 times within a months� time for a total of 13hours of talk time. I called the number and a lady answered the phone. He told me he was working late that night so I decide to call him on the phone and ask him who the lady was, he said just a friend. So I called her back and sent a text. She told me they were more than friends and had been dating for a month. (Found out later that he was with her when I called him). Over the course of a few months I think I have the whole story of my husband�s affairs. Most of this discover is from me digging. H would lie when I would ask him Q�s just for me to later to find out the truth.
H told me that he hasn�t been �in Love with me� for some time. Maybe 6 years. He would do things to appease me to make me happy not that he wanted to but then he would resent me for those things. He said he hid part of himself from me and has never really let me 100%. He admitted to watching porn most of our marriage some times for hours at a time. About 5 years ago he wasn�t getting what he needed from the porn so he went on a dating website and beginning talking to women. He meet one person once and she took care of his needs. He said it freaked him out and he felt so guilt that he stopped everything till last year. I was out of town with the kids visiting family and friends. He was at home working and he said he got lonely and he went to some porn sites but that wasn�t enough, so he went back to the dating website. He made up a fake name and created a different email address. Over the course of a year he meet 6 women in person, two he had sex with multiple times over the course of a year (once a month), the others he made out with, the last one he �fell in love with�. I�ve done a lot of things wrong, screaming, cussing, hitting, kicking, telling him to leave, then begging him to stay and throwing myself at him, calling the women to get their side of the story, reading emails and IM messages, seeing photos sent and received. It has been a very big roller coaster ride these last months. The things I�ve heard from these lady�s and the things I�ve read are stuck in my mind they wake me up at night, They pop up all the time, and it is really hard for me to push them down. I�ve lost over 20 pounds, I don�t go out much anymore I void friends. I keep comparing how my H is with me and how my H was with these other women. There are times I look at my H and I hate him and I feel sick to my stomach, in some ways I just want him out of the house. I think it would be easier to just start over fresh then try to make things work.
H has cut off all communication with the women. Deleted dating profile and email (even though I hacked back into it) he gave me the password to his computer and his cell phone and downloaded find my friends on Iphone. H says he wants M to work and he is trying to work thur what/why he did what he did. He goes to IC to work on some of his issues and I go to IC to work on anger and bitterest. We went to MC for a month but therapist said H needed to work on some of his issues before we could work on M. Even though I see that he is trying in some ways I don�t know if it is enough for me to want to stay any more. My self-esteem and self-confidence has really taking a hit.
He says he feels really guilt and ashamed of what he did, he can�t break thur the ice to the point where he can be intimate with me. That he feels so bad for the things he said to all those women and the things that he has done that he can�t just do those with me. I see it that he isn�t attractive to me and doesn�t want to be close to me. In some ways it feels like it did before I found out about the affairs.
He told me about a month ago that when we fight he thinks about the last person. I asked him to deal with his thoughts and he asked me �How do I deal with them�. I told him that he should move out till he can deal with those thoughts. He wouldn�t leave the house. He told his therapist about it this weekend and she said he was being too honest and those kind of things he doesn�t need to tell me and he should wait and talk them out with her before he tells me.

I don�t know what to do any more. I haven�t read any of the books DB books. I guess one of my questions would be will the books help me since I�m the one that wants him to leave and he wants to stay and make it work.

Hello,

Here's my story, hope it's in the right place. Very glad I've found this site, great suggestions and great insight from people in similar situations.

I've been with my wife 18 years, married ten with three little children 3,5,7

January 1, my wife admitted to an internet/phone affair, and then after digging I found email that she was meeting with the OM the next day. I made several mistakes, freaked out, went into shock, told her if she met him it was over etc. lots of threats that I had no intention of keeping. I also asked her to leave the house.

She did agree to do a counselling session, we set one up for four days from then, and she said she would leave, but didn't know if she would meet up him. No communication for a few days, saw her again on Sunday, I continued to ask question etc. In counselling, she admitted to affair.

Obviously I went into shock, hugely. Also awakening for me. I realize our marriage had some issues, but it was always happy and had no precursors for me. I.e. Lack of intimacy, constant fighting etc. However, most importantly, we had communication issues regarding things that were important to each other. We also had a miscarriage two years ago that wasn't dealt with properly . I also didn't listen enough to my wife's voice. Of course, none of this changes or deserved her actions, I am just acknowledging the role I played in this.

We are still doing counselling, and initially my wife agreed to no contact with the OM, but she didn't follow through. And before I got ahold of DR, I made mistake after mistake, pleading, begging, following around house etc. I fear I probably pushed her away. I realize she was already a WAW, but I didn't give her space.

So now, I have given a ton of space. I have made improvements in myself with respect to appearance, mindset, and have become a better father and person. The shock caused me to lose 20 pounds, but I am now stronger, and have the best health of my life physically. I am no longer obsessing about my situation. I am following Sandi's guidelines. Thanks Sandi, life saving

. Generally I feel pretty good.

Where it gets complicated, is with our kids doing so many activities, we see each other almost daily. We are ferreting kids back and forth etc. Our interactions have been pleasant, lots of smiles, and a few flirty jokes etc. We have not been intimate for a few weeks, but were in the aftermath. I have not pursued this at all now for fear of destroying progress.

She has been staying with a friend for almost two months, and is now preparing to move out to her own place. After refusing to give up contact with the OM, I know she has been sexting and visiting him occasionally ( he lives a few hours away). I think, and her friends think she is having a MLC, and she is emotionally a mess. She does have some mental health/ depression issues. She is frequently crying around me, and told me she thinks she is a bit delusional.

Where I am struggling is with the trial separation coming up on March 1. Do I cut off finances, restrict time with the kids to certain days for each of us, or what. Feel like I need to do LRT, as she will just continue her relationship with the OM.

My questions are:

-should I show her the book, she saw it accidentally, and was curious, but I don't think it would help. Although one of the success stories talked about a WAW reading the book and then returning
- I am acting as if, and giving appearances of moving on. Where do I draw the line. help her move, be nice etc?
-her family and friends all support me, which is leaving her feeling like she has no one except OM to turn to. Not good
-I have discovered I have a great capacity for reflection, and I am not believing anything she says right now, or does. However, lots of it hurts tons
- friends have told me she is amazed at the changes I have made, and it is making her decision very difficult. I don't bring them up though, I just keep doing.
-I have been doing DB coaching by phone, should I involve her?

Thanks for all you help and patience. This is definitely one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I'm also not sure how to start a new thread, but I will notify the moderator.

I realize this sounds funny, but there are positive aspects to this occurring. I have made significant life changes that are making me a better person, and my relationship with my children is amazing. Regardless of what happens, none of that will be changing. The problem is, I still love my wife and have strong feelings for her. I am in a bit of denial, because I have hope that if I am patient, the affair will blow over, she will come to her senses, and our new relationship will be amazing. Time will tell I guess

Thanks again

This is a great thread. However it needs to be locked due to length.

Please start a new one.

Thanks.