Hoping for help and support. - DivorceBusting.com

Hi everyone. It's hard to know where to start but here we go. My wife of 7 years ( partner for 13) told me at the beginning of August she hasn't been sexually attracted to me in over a year. This discussion opened up a number of other discussions about how she felt life might be easier/ better without me. It came to the surface she is on the fence about our marriage and wants time and space to think about staying or going. We have had what I considered to be a good marriage and great friendship up until this point. We have two children together (8&5 years old). Our son had a hard year medically in 2011 when he was 6. During this time a lot of our energy went towards caring for our son. We maintained a sex life that I was aware was more important to me than my wife. For the last 3 weeks I have gone through the pleading, reasoning ect, and have definitely made the situation worse. Or maybe I have just brought all the true feelings to the surface. This past weekend she suggested I move out to give her the space/ time she needs to think about our future. She is a great mom, and I feel that her decision now is going to be more about keeping the family together than wanting the marriage to work and love again. I said I would not leave the house, I can't afford it and can imagine walking out the door on my kids. I've been trying to be happy around her and give her lots of space since discovering this website over the weekend. I ordered the DR book and should have it early next week. I'm super confused as to what is going on! As early as 6 months ago friends of ours started going through the same thing. It seemed like such a shock to us, we talked about our marriage, how we would be together forever and never do that to each other. My wife was appalled at how our female friend was treating her husband. We haven't had a major argument since then, just some of the same issues creeping in. Money, helping more around the house, a accusations of being controlling, trust issues from the past. I'm lost at this point. Finding it very difficult to keep it together day to day, not knowing what is going on. I hoping for advice,help and support.

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

"Money, helping more around the house, a accusations of being controlling, trust issues from the past. I'm lost at this point."

Are those her complaints about the marriage? If so, do you think they are valid?

I agree that you should not leave the house...she is the one questioning if she wants her family or not....not you. So, politely do not give in to you leaving your home and being inconvenienced.

Until you get the DR book, no relationship talks, if she feels you are controlling learn to listen, understand and validate her....I doesn't mean you agree...also do what you can to change whatever it is you do that makes her feel controlled.

I'm sure some vets will come soon w more advice...all the best to you!

LOVE is a Choice.

She is making a choice right now, and you must love her enough to honor her choice.

You can not force her to love you,

I would also maybe suggest reading the book the 5 love languages(Dr Gary Chapman) or read about them online.
This may show you how you and your wife give and receive love.
Unfortunately I think things may be headed in the wrong direction and you can only CONTROL your 50% of the marriage.

Keep posting here until you get off of moderation.

Thank you for the responses. I should
Also add she wants us to live as friends right now. I'm to think of
Us as roommates. There is no hugging touching or words of affection. I've said nothing about the relationship or talked about the situation for a week. I believe their is some validity to her feelings of trust issues. A few years ago
She wasn't honest and upfront about being in contact with an old boyfriend and althought she said at the time she cut of contacting him it has lingered with me and created issues.

Originally Posted By: Cadet

Unfortunately I think things may be headed in the wrong direction and you can only CONTROL your 50% of the marriage.

Cadet, can I ask you to elaborate on this. I'm trying to feel hopeful because of the friendship we do have.

Hoping for some advice about my sitch. Still living under same roof as friends. Not sharing a bed or any affection. Just friendly talk.

Have you read DB or DR? There are no shortcuts to this and you must read these in order to understand the concepts we describe here. You have to do the work.

Originally Posted By: CRPL

Originally Posted By: Cadet

Unfortunately I think things may be headed in the wrong direction and you can only CONTROL your 50% of the marriage.

Cadet, can I ask you to elaborate on this. I'm trying to feel hopeful because of the friendship we do have.

You feeling hopeful is something that is always in YOUR CONTROL and should have nothing to do with her.

You can always choose to love her but like I said marriage is a 50/50 deal and you can not choose for her.
She has to do that.

I would never try to take away anyones HOPE.
That is within each one of us.

You need to keep moving forward with your life and living it.
I agree that you should not move out of the house and if it were me I would stay in the MBR too.
Keep being the BEST DAD that you can possibly be.

You must lead by example which in times like this can be
confusing.
Sometimes all is not how it seems.

Keep posting and asking questions.
Learn - cause Knowledge is Power!

CRPL-
Just wanted to piggy-back on what Cadet said. Do NOT move out of the house! Give her the time and space she needs. Do not press any R talks right now.

Agree that the 5LL (book) is very insightful. That might help you to determine what things you have/have not been doing that really "speak" to her.

I know your shock about your couplehood being safe from whatever your friends were going through. I thought my H and I were the safest bet among all of friends, and at one point so did he. People are SHOCKED we are separated now. But, yet it happened.

Try to determine what are the things she was not happy with in your R and do some immediate 180s on these things. You cannot control her but she will react differently to YOU over time if she sees changes that are positive.

Try to remain positive and upbeat as much as possible when you around her.

Good luck.

Originally Posted By: MrBond

Have you read DB or DR? There are no shortcuts to this and you must read these in order to understand the concepts we describe here. You have to do the work.

I have ordered the book and expected it to arrive this week. I don't want to come off as asking for too much. I'm just hoping for some insight from people who have experienced a similiar situation. I do feel unprepared and not knowledgeable, been through this site a bit. Just trying to understand. My wife and I have always enjoyed life together and separately with friends. Skiing, hiking, partying ect. The GAL info is hard. I feel like we both already have a life outside each other. So confused.