Help needed please - DivorceBusting.com

Hi everybody , I'll keep my story short for now , as I know I can go on a bit ! ... I discovered my husband was having an affair at Christmas . I confronted him and he said he wanted to work things out . In february I found another phone which he had been using to call the OW ! He then walked out in me and his two children .

I am trying to cope the best that I can . I have long since stopped begging him to come back ( he said he's never coming back !!). I have lost 50 lbs ( my friends tell me I look like a million dollars - but I don't feel it ! ) .... I have taken the children on holiday .... I've taken care of lots of maintenance jobs that he neglected ... and I have new job lined up starting next month .... I feel that I am "getting on " with my life . I was hoping that all of these things would make me more attractive to him !!

However , I get very mixed feedback from him - limited conversation when he picks the kids up , rarely asks how I'm doing , sometimes looks at me like he hates me , then other times there is the tiniest spark of the man I used to know !

I always try to be pleasant - ask about his work etc , and make him feel welcome ( he's had dinner and lunch a couple of times . But I always sense a barrier from him.
I would love him to open up to me , to connect with me , but he classically blames me for his affair - I pushed him towards her !!!! I feel frustrated that he treats me like he doesn't know me - married 22 years together 26 ! ( lots of ups and downs which we worked though) . I supported and loved him in whatever way I could ! His life was my life !!!

He turned 50 last year his business went downhill , we worried about losing everything , he gets a bit of attention and now were separated ( he lives at his mothers ) . The OW is twice divorced with 3 teenagers ! I'm frustrated with everything ... Can our marriage be saved ???? Is it really possible to save a marriage on your own ??

Hi, I am sorry that you are in this situation, it is very painful. It sounds like you are definitely taking care of yourself, which is important. Have you read DR yet? That would be helpful, as thousands of people that thought there was no hope, have turned things around on their own and had the chance to save their marriage. If you haven't spoke to a DB coach that would be extremely helpful. By the end of your very first session, your coach will help you come up with a very specific step by step plan on what to say and do when you have contact with him. The follow-up is critical, so that your coach helps tweak what you are doing. I wish you all the best.

Sorry you're having this issue.
You will get great advice here.

Originally Posted By: sunshine63

I am trying to cope the best that I can . I have long since stopped begging him to come back ( he said he's never coming back !!). I have lost 50 lbs ( my friends tell me I look like a million dollars - but I don't feel it ! ) .... I have taken the children on holiday .... I've taken care of lots of maintenance jobs that he neglected ... and I have new job lined up starting next month .... I feel that I am "getting on " with my life . I was hoping that all of these things would make me more attractive to him !!

Don't change for him, make yourself more attractive for you. Make your self into the person you'd want to marry. If he comes back, great, if not, you're still someone who YOU love being, that's what matters, and that's what's going to make your changes stick.

Stay positive and continue posting!

Originally Posted By: sunshine63

He then walked out in me and his two children .

The children are his from a previous marriage?

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I feel that I am "getting on " with my life . I was hoping that all of these things would make me more attractive to him !!

And they might, but not much time has passed yet. It can take years before a WAS comes out of the fog.

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However , I get very mixed feedback from him - limited conversation when he picks the kids up , rarely asks how I'm doing , sometimes looks at me like he hates me , then other times there is the tiniest spark of the man I used to know !

That's all pretty typical WAS behavior. What you have to do is drop all expectations. If and when these sitches turn around it's when the LBS is least expecting it, and usually when the LBS is in the process of truly making a break and moving on.

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I always try to be pleasant - ask about his work etc , and make him feel welcome ( he's had dinner and lunch a couple of times . But I always sense a barrier from him.

Sounds like you're doing well, you should always show a confident, content you that is enjoying life whether he's in it or not. The "barrier" is usually called the wall around here. He's built a wall around himself to shield his emotions from harm. My question to you is this- what happened in the M that made him build that wall to begin with? Because THOSE things are what you need to do 180's on.

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I would love him to open up to me , to connect with me , but he classically blames me for his affair - I pushed him towards her !!!!

Well he chose to engage in an A, but rarely do affairs happen in strong, loving marriages. So you did contribute to whatever was missing from the M that he felt he had to seek elsewhere. Affairs are symptoms of marriage problems, not the cause. So again, what are those things that drove him away?

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I supported and loved him in whatever way I could ! His life was my life !!!

That is an extremely unhealthy thing to say. That's a codependent statement.

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Can our marriage be saved ???? Is it really possible to save a marriage on your own ??

There are a lot of success stories on these forums, some turnarounds happened when things seemed incredibly bleak! Get DR, read it, then read it again. Read Sandi2's 37 Rules and live those tips! Give your H time and space while you work on you. Good luck!

Well, first of all, congratulations on losing the weight. That's brilliant.

With regards your situation, it is very hard to make someone want to be with you when they've made up their mind but as your H has just turned 50 and had business problems, it may not be that at all.

It's possible that the OW was just a mid-life crisis, making him feel good about himself.

Thank you so much for your comments ! X
KarenR yes I have DB and am reading it and following the suggestions although sometime I struggle because I get no response from H . I have thought of DB coaching , but I am working on a very limited buget .

Mimi30 thank you for your positive comments , I have to let it sink in that I don't need to be attractive for him , but for myself ! And I just love your " make yourself into the person you'd want to marry " fantastic !

Another stander - thank you for your comments , I should have said our children .
I'm relieved that his mixed behaviour is typical . Also your comments on working on the areas that may have caused the barrier/wall were very important .
I would However, disagree (sorry ) that affairs rarely happen in strong loving marriages , research has shown that they do , but I will admit that there were areas that I needed to work on , and I have been trying to do that .

I know that to say " he was my life " is unhealthy / pathetic / weak , but it's only now that I recognise that and fully realise that , and would never make that mistake again . Also he was my first love (!) I have never had sex with anyone else ! ( more fool me !)
I have read Sandi's rules ,and found them really helpful.

Another needs help -thank you , I think that the OW was there at a crisis point in our lives . We were very close to bankruptcy , and I had never seen H so low - ever ! He has been self employed for 27 years ! He had worked extremely hard to provide for us and it looked like we were losing everything ! She was there with smiles and frivolity , when I was worried sick about out situation , and how he was handling it . I couldn't compete with his distraction from reality !

Thank you all so much for commenting !!!!

This is maybe a question no-one can answer because every sitch is different , however the OW has already had 2 divorces ! She has 3 teenage children , she doesn't work, her children go to fee paying schools , drives a nice 4x4 , lives in a large house !! I'm wondering if she could be seeing a financial gain from (my ! ) H I don't think he wonks discuss our previous financial probs - he's far too proud !. - anybody any thoughts / comments ?
Thanks again everyone , much appreciated !!!

M 49 H 51
M 22 years
T 26 years
S 12
D 5

Hi the last part should read "I don't think he would discuss our previous financial problems "

Hi I have found the replies to my post really helpful, my posts seem to be taking ages to appear . Am I doing something wrong when posting ? Thanks

Thank you so much for your comments ! X
KarenR yes I have DB and am reading it and following the suggestions although sometime I struggle because I get no response from H . I have thought of DB coaching , but I am working on a very limited buget .

Mimi30 thank you for your positive comments , I have to let it sink in that I don't need to be attractive for him , but for myself ! And I just love your " make yourself into the person you'd want to marry " fantastic !

Another stander - thank you for your comments , I should have said our children .
I'm relieved that his mixed behaviour is typical . Also your comments on working on the areas that may have caused the barrier/wall were very important .
I would However, disagree (sorry ) that affairs rarely happen in strong loving marriages , research has shown that they do , but I will admit that there were areas that I needed to work on , and I have been trying to do that .

I know that to say " he was my life " is unhealthy / pathetic / weak , but it's only now that I recognise that and fully realise that , and would never make that mistake again . Also he was my first love (!) I have never had sex with anyone else ! ( more fool me !)
I have read Sandi's rules ,and found them really helpful.

Another needs help -thank you , I think that the OW was there at a crisis point in our lives . We were very close to bankruptcy , and I had never seen H so low - ever ! He has been self employed for 27 years ! He had worked extremely hard to provide for us and it looked like we were losing everything ! She was there with smiles and frivolity , when I was worried sick about out situation , and how he was handling it . I couldn't compete with his distraction from reality !

Thank you all so much for commenting !!!!

This is maybe a question no-one can answer because every sitch is different , however the OW has already had 2 divorces ! She has 3 teenage children , she doesn't work, her children go to fee paying schools , drives a nice 4x4 , lives in a large house !! I'm wondering if she could be seeing a financial gain from (my ! ) H I don't think he wonks discuss our previous financial probs - he's far too proud !. - anybody any thoughts / comments ?
Thanks again everyone , much appreciated !!!

M 49 H 51
M 22 years
T 26 years
S 12
D 5

I hope you are off of moderation now.

It makes it very hard to follow more than one thread.

Please stick to this one until 100 posts.

This post will bump you up on the board.

Originally Posted By: sunshine63

I would However, disagree (sorry ) that affairs rarely happen in strong loving marriages , research has shown that they do , but I will admit that there were areas that I needed to work on , and I have been trying to do that .

I should have clarified that I meant when WAS's engage in affairs. I'm sure there are affairs happening in strong marriages, but those stories do not end up on these forums.

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This is maybe a question no-one can answer because every sitch is different , however the OW has already had 2 divorces ! She has 3 teenage children , she doesn't work, her children go to fee paying schools , drives a nice 4x4 , lives in a large house !! I'm wondering if she could be seeing a financial gain from (my ! ) H

OP is almost always a step down, it's one of the mysteries of the choices that WAS's make. If you're asking if she's a golddigger, hard to say but based on that description I'd say it sounds likely.

"I have DB and am reading it and following the suggestions although sometime I struggle because I get no response from H ."

The thing is that you really need patience to go through this. Sometimes it will take a very long time until you get a response. That's when you need to change strategy.

Think of it like working on a new recipe. You try it out, but it doesn't taste right. So you alter things a little here and there until you get the taste (response) that you are looking for.

Hi Anotherstander
Thanks for your comments . I am worried that he will get himself into some sort of financial commitment with the OW and that will affect the support he gives our children

He also recently returned from a holiday with the OW and her 3 children !!! Our 12year old saw pictures of him on his phone with his "new family " and was totally devastated !! My heart broke for my son ! He was so gutted that his father was spending time with them and not him !! I suspect the OW paid for the holiday ! I did not mention it to my H because my son had confided in me and also because I did a 180 !! Previously I would have confronted him !

I have withdrawn from him because he upset my son. He didnt need to let son
See the pictures !! My feelings for him are changing . .He senses it because he has twice sent me txts asking if I was ok? He has never asked since he left !! He knows that I have been going out and he asked if I was going to night clubs ! I just laughed- what a cheek , it's none of his business !

I feel that I am treading water , I wonder if I should let sleeping dogs lie and forget about what he is doing , but on the other hand I am angry at the upset he is causing ! I think that he is should have had more sense than to let my / our son see pictured of him
With another family !!!!!!! I need to protect him from future hurts !What to do ????

Thank you Mrbond I need a lot of patience !! If you read my reply to another stander it will update you to my sitch . My feelings for my H are changing ! My love is diminishing and I'm feeling very confused . He is causing upsets that are not easy to overlook . Your comments would be appreciated .

Hello , I'm all over the place - desperate for any advice !
So H has hurt son again !!! He found txts between H and OW !!
With her saying what she wanted to do to him etc !!! And other stuff he wouldn't tell me about ! If I confront H son might not tell me anything else and have no support. But I can't let him discover any more crap . And telling him not to look wont work ! So what to do ?

Feeling very low , self esteem in short supply ! Keep thinking that its all my fault that we are in this mess , even though I know it takes two people to make or break a relationship . So frustrated that I can't fix things . I am a fixer by nature ! Have fixed our marriage previously , but it seems too far gone.
H is obsessed with OW . I can't compete . I'm everything that's bad and she is everything that's good !
It's been 7 months since he left, but emotionally he left way before. I feel that it's over , I can't do anything right .
I crave some support from someone . And crave physical contact . I practically threw myself at someone i know , who had given me the come on , , but then he backed off !! Imagine how rejected I felt !! God do I miss having sex !!! Just feel so alone !

Hi sorry I have so many threads , don't know how that happened . Maybe too many for people to follow /answer . Anyway any comments to the above post would be really appreciated . Thanks

Hi sticking to this thread and hoping to get done comments from you all soon ;( x

Hi any Advice anyone - just needing some right now .
Xx
Thanks

Hi Sunshine,

Are you working on GAL? Do something to take the pressure off - get outdoors, work out, see a movie with a friend. DB can take a long time - years - and has no guarantee. Focus on you for now.

Luke

Originally Posted By: sunshine63

So H has hurt son again !!! He found txts between H and OW !!

Your S needs to quit snooping. Both of you know what your H is doing, there is no point in continued snooping. It's just going to hurt both of you and will give you no new or useful info.

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And telling him not to look wont work ! So what to do ?

Explain to him that his snooping is hurting not just him, but you too.

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So frustrated that I can't fix things . I am a fixer by nature !

Well most of us can relate. But you can change that "fixing" focus to you. MWD says in DR that you can effect change in your spouse by changing yourself. You CANNOT change your spouse directly. So work on you, become the spouse only a fool would leave. Strong, confident, self-sufficient. Right now you're coming off sounding very desperate and clingy, and that is NOT attractive to the WAS. Time to turn that around, you can do it!

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I practically threw myself at someone i know , who had given me the come on , , but then he backed off !! Imagine how rejected I felt !! God do I miss having sex !!! Just feel so alone !

Throwing yourself at anyone that looks at you is not going to bring you happiness and contentment. You're in a lot of pain right now, you've got to get your emotions under control before you think about introducing a new relationship into your life.

Hi luckyluke , I'm really trying to GAL,not easy when I'm feeling so low .
Thanks Anotherstander Yes S needs to stop snooping _ he's angry at his father , I think that's why he does it .
I'm really trying to focus on me - honestly - my friend says I look like a different person, and I feel more confident and independent ( at times ) I don't come across as needy when H picks up the children , I make sure I look good . !
I know that I'm not in a good place to start a relationship - I dont want one- I just miss the physical contact - even cuddles ! The guy led me on then backed off - I felt so rejected !!! And such a fool !!

My son tells me that his father wants him to meet OW and her family ! She lives in a huge house , ( he has moved in with her ) and he no doubt thinks son will be impressed .
I don't want him to meet the woman who changed the course of his life ! Why should he fit in with what his father wants ? If my son spends time at her house for me it would be like another betrayal , another loss ! Husband has said that the children being with me is only temporary and that eventually they will be with him anyway ! I don't know how he's going to achieve that as he was the one who walked out ? Can he take them?
I feel that he is being so cruel , he's not content to set up home with someone else he wants our children to complete his happy new life ! he's deluded and sick !!
How should I handle it ?

Hi , so grateful to everyone for their comments . Feeling good today ! Love hearing from you . Hope you are all in a good place x

Hi everyone , would be so grateful for your comments on my last post . Thank you x

Hello , hello is there anybody In there , just nod if you can see me ...?xx