Time, Space and moving forward - DivorceBusting.com

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2331366#Post2331366

I hope that link works to my old thread.

Haven't been posting much lately. I have been very busy with life, but also taking time to reflect on where my life is and how I feel about everything.

Conclusions that I have come to and have communicated them with W:

1. I am glad that this happened, as it has become a huge opportunity to grow.

2. I am happy with my life and its direction now since I have begun to realize that happiness is a choice that I make every day. I accept myself and what my life is.

3. The path of self improvement that I am on is a lifetime choice, one that I am continuing to walk.

4. At this point in time I have no desire to be with W. The future is unknown, but I live in the present. She would have to be a different person, and since she isn't a different person, I accept her for who she is. But I wouldn't choose to be with her at this time (she asked).

5. I have an amazing support group of friends and family. I am investing myself into these relationships in ways that I never have. It has been immensely rewarding.

6. I am going to continue applying the DB principles into my relationship regardless of where it goes. The work I need to do on myself with communication and learning to love another and fulfill their needs is of paramount importance.

7. Being the best me, and the best father I can be is my focus. I am at peace with the rest.

Wow Moth!
That's a great place to be. And that's how I have felt over the past couple weeks.
Isn't it a great feeling having no expectations?

Nice Moth!!! how far along in your sitch are you? (can you add to your signature??)

I think that's great that you are where you are. I am envious!

Yes, dropping all expectations and simply living the best I can is immensely empowering.

I added the BD to my sig.

There is no reason to be envious jp, just stick to the plan! The advice that people offer up here has a lot of merit. It just takes whatever amount of time that it takes to progress through the various stages of your own sitch. Nothing can speed up the process. Just keep working on you, detaching and GAL. You Will be ok.

Posting about some recent conversations with W.

In telling her where I am at etc. at first she seemed fine, slightly emotional but thanked me for being honest.
Now she seems to be way more interested on what the hell is going on in my life. Also much more forward about not wanting things to be over.

The thing for me is this, I didn't get to where I am and make the decision to not want to be with her as a tactic to get her back. I simply want to live and do my own work.
I have advised her when she asked that she also should take this opportunity and go on her own personal growth journey.

Not going back on what I have told her. I don't know what the future holds but in the present I don't desire to attempt to rekindle any intimacy with W. Also I am pretty sure she is just scrambling because now the choice is taken away from her. But I told her that I would in no way disrespect myself by being sloppy seconds.

Also even though she has rescinded some of the hurtful things she said, ( the script I suppose) she still has yet to own her A.

Anyway, life is great. I am happy where I am.

Moth,
I am really inspired by your ability to focus and improve yourself.

I have a question, you went from wanting to reconcile to not wanting to in about a week? What happened there, just seeing where W was?

I wish I could remove my thoughts from my W's A as you seem to have done, that is amazing to me.

I am thinking you have self worth and self esteem and that makes a difference. So that will be my focus for me.

Your posting has helped me. Thank you

Dropping all expectations and accepting that this is my life. Every action of mine and my W precipitated reaching his place. We did what we did and there could be no other result, and you cannot change the past.

Here is he thing, I put my head down and just went to work on me. But during these last six months I only blamed myself and let W continue to blame me. I am very proud of the progress I have made on my anger, on being open emotionally and on being a better father for my son.

But the last couple of weeks I have been contemplating a lot of things. It is said often on these boards that your spouse will never be the same. I realized that this whole time I have kept the door home for her wide open. She could [censored] off and do whatever she felt, and I was just being a doormat saying yes I will wait no matter what.

I am no longer of that opinion. I have value as a person, and there have definitely been things that needed to change about me. I am working hard toward those changes. But why would I want to just take someone back who doesn't really accept and want to change their faults in the M?

The answer is that I don't.

My M is dead, I accept that. The path I am on may or may not converge with W in the future. But I cannot change her or fix her. She must go through her own self discovery. I accept her for who she is as a person, and for being the mother of our S.
I do not accept that I want to be intimate with that person though.

Amazing, thank you!

i hope i can get myself to where you are now! Good for you!

Hey moth76

Great post and it seems to coincide with the point I have reached in my M.
Unlike your sitch, my M left me because I wasn't a nice person could have done so much more to respect and listen to her. That's the past now. I have made big changes to how I think, behave and interact with her and my sons.

Over time, my changes have begun to bring positive feedback from those around me and slowly but surely I started to feel happiness again. I became a better father, a better son, a better brother and a more considerate husband...even though W and I are separated.

My W noticed and acknowledged the change in me but did not trust it and chose to take the path that it would not last. I understand her scepticism and fear.

She withdrew even more and chose to cut communication to a minimum. I maintained my pma and respect and consideration for her.

She now wants to limit my days a week with my sons which hurts a lot. But I will continue to treat her respectfully and navigate through these challenges with love and compassion, it's the only way. I will contest this as I do not believe it is what is best for our sons...which is the justification she is giving me at the moment.. We are currently co-parenting and it is working fine so I don't understand the need for change. Our boys are happy.

So I'm at the crossroads now. I am happy with who I am becoming, but still feel a bitterness and resentment from my W. She has the right to feel what she feels and I have the right to choose not to engage with it.

I have accepted the death of my marriage and I'm optimistic about the future. Whether I contains my W or not, I'm not sure. At this stage it hurts to be around her, I don't enjoy our interactions so I can't say I want to get back with her. It's a sad realisation but liberating as well as it feels like I don't need to worry what she thinks of me anymore. I can just continue being that better me, for myself and for my sons.

I think I have finally detached this time, with a clear and positive outlook on life.

Thanks for your great post moth76... I read it every few days.

Some notes from the last few weeks:

Life is settling quite a bit. In a good routine with my son, we have been doing some awesome things together. Also I have been getting his home schooling back on track with W.

I am still working very hard on my anger management, and am continuing to work toward being patient and compassionate with W, while maintaining my dignity and boundaries.

All in all I am in a very healthy and happy place in my life now. DB didn't save my marriage, but it definitely helped me save myself.

WaW_sc....

Sounds like you are in a good place, all we can do is continue to be the best person possible, life will give you what you need. Just be receptive to it.

So it has been some time since I last posted. Life has become its own normal with new routines etc. I am continuing to work on me and give my best to my boy. We have been doing a lot of outdoor stuff like hiking that we are both loving. We are having new exciting little adventures every weekend. It is awesome having these times with him.

There has been much more peace between W and I, and we are talking on the phone almost daily. My feeling is to just be, and let her make any decisions that she needs to. There is no rush to do anything else. I had set some pretty strong boundaries with her, things that mostly related to the affair. She was upset at first but has been reaching out and communicating more lately.

My path is to keep working on my changes and being the best me, if W decides to start making her needed changes while reconnecting with me, then we can work on that if/when it happens.

Not much else going on, life is good.

I attended the E.E. workshop this past weekend. It was an awesome experience, and I definitely learned a good deal about myself. Befriended some awesome people and gained some honesty about what I was telling myself were my wants/needs.

In getting more support to be self-aware and accepting I also realized that my emotions-thoughts-actions were not congruent with my boundaries. By that I mean I wasn't aware that I allowed my barriers to erode and W was engaging me emotionally and consequently I was reacting to what she was doing or how she felt.

I have been assisted in creating a detailed plan with better support to keep myself detached from the confusion.

Also have to give a huge thanks to the several people from these boards who were there and so supportive. Your friendship and support has been amazing!
I will be posting more regularly again in order to stay more aware of any future backsliding.

This thread have been very inspiring to me. The way you can externally express your feeling, faults and resolutions are truly amazing.

Keep up the great work!

A little update for this past week.
My professional life has kept me very busy recently. It has been great being involved with so many cool projects. A bit of a struggle in seeing my son as much as I would like but I do as much as I can, and speak to him on the phone frequently as well.
My parents are coming to visit next month though, so my son and I are going to get a mini vacation with them. Looking forward to the time together.

A strange thing happened last night, W called to chat with me and asked many questions about how everything is going for me and my work etc. I told her about my work stuff and listened yo her talk a bit about her job. We spoke briefly about son's schooling then hung up.
Not doing or thinking anything about it, was just outside the normal routine so I figured I would post.