Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: makingmagic we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 02:55 PM
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...572#Post2336572

PON...of course I am listening, but like you just said it took you 3 years!... its been 3-4months for me. I still depend on him for happiness, because HE is who I want. How do you give up on a dream? What do you expect me to be like after 20 years?
Posted By: Pathfinder2 Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 03:35 PM
I think what PON is talking about when he says "3 years" is that it took that much time for his situation to play out. I'm sure that he reached a point of personal equilibrium much earlier than that.

wfm, your'e a real pit bull! wink You don't give up easily. That's good. If we can get you do redirect your fervor to working on yourself, I think you will be fine. Your husband may find you quite the "handful" and could very well be struggling with this. You're supposed to be his dance partner. Stop trying to lead him, and let him lead you. smile

PON, do you care to clarify what you last said?
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 03:46 PM
P2.. yes, I am a pitbull... to a fault, at times. H likes my pitbull approach for business, but not to our arguements. I need to learn where to stop. I am a pitbull for things I am passionate about. When I take on a project or rel'p, I go full force.

I am having difficulty with detachment. How am I supposed to not feel the ups and downs? just because I say/this forum says to detach more...but how do you actually get there? I want what I want (HIM), and have let him go to go do what he needs to do. I am totally different than what I thought I would be like, thanks to this group/forum. I still want to be the clingy, desperate, ily person....but am witholding with all my might!

I know he says things like "if, he says maybe, i turn it into yes & run with it", therefore fearing to test with me...

please advise what specifically I can do to work on myself. Its hard to know what I will be like, if I haven't been presented with a "situation" to be tested.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 04:18 PM
ugh.. i am losing it!... EVERY Sunday (so it seems), H turns off his phone, and It drives me insane. Apparantly, he spent the night again at his guy friends house.... this bothers me. He never ever used to do this (socialize) and now he makes the time to do so, and sleep over so he can drink. I don't get how he would rather be doing that, than having time spent with me & D. D & I would beg him to do fun stuff with us, and he was always "too tired"... how does he have the energy now?

I am discouraged...BIG TIME !
Posted By: Pathfinder2 Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 04:36 PM
Is there something you can do that YOU like and that you are PASSIONATE about that have absolutely nothing to do with your husband or your business?

You have all this energy that you need to dissipate. Instead of investing it in your current marital situation, you could put it into something that YOU control.

I like control. I am a risk averse person by nature. I like to have things under my control. A lot of it is rooted in fear. Fear causes us to like to control things. I find that if I have something else I can control, I feel better about life in general. (I also am learning that I really don't have anything to fear, but that's a different matter.)

I exercise control over MYSELF by working out at the gym and eating healthily. That is an area where I can "control" things and no one is worse for the wear. It is actually a healthy habit.

What about you? Where can you expend your energy?
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 05:26 PM
I go for walks... I haven't figured out my hobby yet (might be rollerblading, will see).
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 05:29 PM
For those of who got their marriage back: Did you ever find out WHAT your WAS was doing the entire time they kept you stringing along? Where was their head? What did they think?

I just want to understand where there head is at, and why they keep us on the shelf.
Posted By: Pathfinder2 Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 05:55 PM
your best bet is to query one of the WAS who frequent this board, helping all of us like 25yearsMLC or Sandi2. They are a wealth of knowledge and insight into what the WAS is thinking and feeling.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 06:34 PM
ok.. Vets? & other experiences... Please help?
Posted By: MrBond Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 07:11 PM
How much of DB did you actually read? You're still asking the same basic questions.

You're even obsessing over OTHER people's situations. All stiches are different. In some the spouse had a "reawakening" and totally changed their lives to make the marriage better. Some just went back because they didn't want to be alone or it was for the kids, etc. Sometimes they would say what they did when they were gone, sometimes they don't. In the end it doesn't matter. Your H left you because he felt that being alone was better than being with you. That's where his head is at right now and it's your reality. What you do when he's gone is up to you. Not for your H's sake, but for yours.

You are the one who is supposed to be detached enough so that it doesn't matter what your H is doing.

Oh and BTW,

"I think what PON is talking about when he says "3 years" is that it took that much time for his situation to play out. I'm sure that he reached a point of personal equilibrium much earlier than that."

No it DID take three years for him to get a point of accepting things. It was only recently that he was able to do so. There are MANY stories, mine included, where it took YEARS before the WAS even attempted to look back at the LBS.

You've got to get to that point.
Posted By: theUF Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 07:19 PM
Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...572#Post2336572
I still depend on him for happiness, because HE is who I want. How do you give up on a dream?


That's fine(underlined), and you don't have to abandon your dream. You need to find a middleground where you still have that dream, but also have an alternative route for your life. When you depend on H for happiness your putting all your eggs in one basket, and that basket is rocking away violently.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 07:50 PM
theUF.... what do you mean "rocking away violently"... I have always had the same "dream", the alternative never existed. I never thought I'd be in this situation...EVER!

mrbond... I had to put the book down, all it makes me want to do is have the opportunity to share some of the things I am learning by reading... but, i need a willing partner, etc. Is there something in particular that you think I am missing? that you want me to read/understand? I want to keep reading it, but it makes me sad... sad for what is gone.

im having a sad day frown
Posted By: MrBond Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 08:44 PM
" I want to keep reading it, but it makes me sad... sad for what is gone."

Read and Learn.

It still gets frustrating when you ask the same questions over and over again that are covered in the book. If you can't have the patience to read a book, you're not going to have the patience to get things rolling.

Stop making excuses. You are still looking for the "easy" way out. It takes work. Even the worst situations on here at least read the book. Read it like a textbook rather than a reflection of your sitch.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 08:59 PM
I am reading as I am typing... however, I am getting to the final chapters.

If I am not obsessing on here, I am reading/thinking obsessing about my situation. I need a break.
Posted By: Pathfinder2 Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 09:23 PM
wfm, how can you read and type at the same time and get ANYTHING out of the book?

Go read!!


And just be still.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 09:34 PM
ok.. hows this for 180?.. (gosh, so hard to do). Earlier today h, ignored some of my calls and leaving an important business decision in the air, he eventually texted his request. So, 2 hours later a similar situation happened... I ignored his calls/texts, and texted my request. Now, hours later, rec'd a text message from h, that a client is showing up (unexpectedly) suggesting I drop everything and meet client with him. Normally, this is fine... but, I haven't showered and cannot possibly be "on call" because he expects me too. I ALWAYS contact him first to see if a client time is suitable for him. He doesn't give me the same respect. My D knows this and suggested that I text back "too short of notice for me. I can't make it this time. good luck. keep me posted!"

Well? This is me showing some boundaries and asking for respect in return. Did I do it right? (sure feels funny, me not jumping to his demands)
Posted By: theUF Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 09:37 PM
Almost everyone told me after BD that they never thought the day would come, they always thought me and X would stay together. Well, nothing in life is certain.

What I meant was that you have put yourself in a position where you depend fully on H, and right now H is unsure about what he wants. This is turning your world upside down, hence the basket rocking away.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 09:57 PM
fyi... I am sure h is p!ssed now, BIG TIME !!!!
Posted By: reb9597 Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 10:38 PM
Everyone handles their situation differently and I remember the panic I felt soon after bd. I still feel that panic and uncertainty when starting to communicate with h again. But at a certain point, you have to pull up your big girl panties and figure out how you're going to handle your future ON YOUR OWN. And if you're not willing to help yourself, how do expect ppl here to help you?

I've only recently started reading your sitch but your neediness is like a vacuum here and I can't imagine how overwhelming it is for your H in real life. I'm not trying to wield a 2x4 here but you've received pages and pages of good people trying to help and you haven't even finished the book?

Because in reality, this is only one book that's the BEGINNING of your journey. There's a whole library after that can teach you about true communication with your spouse and love. And it is d*mn heartbreaking to think that after learning everything you've learned there is the most likely reality that you'll never be able to share it with your spouse! But this is the real life we are living!

It's time to face the reality of your situation and figure out how you're going to live from now on. If you put half as much effort into improving your outlook and being your best as you do spinning nervous energy, it'd at least be progress in the right direction.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 10:44 PM
i guess this was missed... need to know, because it was a 180 for me to stand up for myself, and not chase to make sure he understood. I am trying not to care if he is mad at me or not over it too.... beginning of detachment (hope so)

//ok.. hows this for 180?.. (gosh, so hard to do). Earlier today h, ignored some of my calls and leaving an important business decision in the air, he eventually texted his request. So, 2 hours later a similar situation happened... I ignored his calls/texts, and texted my request. Now, hours later, rec'd a text message from h, that a client is showing up (unexpectedly) suggesting I drop everything and meet client with him. Normally, this is fine... but, I haven't showered and cannot possibly be "on call" because he expects me too. I ALWAYS contact him first to see if a client time is suitable for him. He doesn't give me the same respect. My D knows this and suggested that I text back "too short of notice for me. I can't make it this time. good luck. keep me posted!"

Well? This is me showing some boundaries and asking for respect in return. Did I do it right? (sure feels funny, me not jumping to his demands)//
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 11:08 PM
I don't think it was "missed". I just think you keep asking specific questions that show how much you're missing the big picture.

Maybe you told us before but I'm sorry, I don't recall:

What are your H's chief complaints about you?

That is what you should be working on, not maneuvers on how to play him to get him back. It's becoming very tiring trying to get you to see this all-important task.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 11:20 PM
The ONLY complaint was that we were fighting too much. And, I can't even recall what the fights were about. They were often and the volume was loud & infront of others. Things like his ways on me, getting mad at me for parking in the wrong spot, not being able to be a clairvoyant (I should know better), saying things like "he doesn't like the way I think".

I am not trying to "play him"... I want him to come back because HE wants to be back, and nothing less. I deserve this much, so I am not trying to trick him back. I want someone/him to want ME, because I am worthy and a good person.

With that being said, can someone review my last interraction with him and tell me if that's ok or against DB'ing? All I am trying to do is finally stand up for myself! This is a HUGE 180 for me! and I am feeling bad about it. Feeling like he is going to be mad & have MORE reason to be separated from me. He will feel like I am not a good business partner now. (He says this crap, I believe it)
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 11:46 PM
You need to read "codependent no more" right away.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/07/13 11:49 PM
SS... Its on order!! Fyi, I have just read the story of Carol and Dean in DR, it seems similar to my sitch.

What is your thought to my standing up today?
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/08/13 12:11 AM
Is it what you think is necessary and if so, why?
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/08/13 12:14 AM
You're draining. You don't listen. If you did you would stop talking about your H. Your so hyper focused on him no wonder he shuts his phone off and drinks. If you don't think he can sense your obsessing you're wrong.

I don't think you should be doing 180s related to business. You should be doing 180s on other aspects of your life.

Why doesn't he want to spend time with you right now ? You're kidding right? He can't stand you right now .

My sitch was miserable for 3 years with wife's depression, anxiety,panic attacks.
Took me 3 years to look at myself and stop trying to fix her.

She is the exact same person from 3 years ago. Maybe a little different. I learned to let many things roll off my shoulder and try to coral my adult child

You don't get it. You need to fix yourself. Stop asking why your h doesn't want to be with you

Sorry u are sad. I know it's tough. But you hinge on him so bad you do it to yourself

Go get a day job and let him run the business
Posted By: MrBond Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/08/13 12:22 AM
""too short of notice for me. I can't make it this time. good luck. keep me posted!""

Your D understands DB more than you do it seems. Stop trying to look for validation here. It's obvious that's what you've been trying to get from your H for years. You're afraid of doing the wrong thing. There is NO right or wrong things. This isn't like working a piece of machinery. It's all by trial and error.

And besides, it wasn't YOU who came up with the boundary. it was your D.

You have to get to the point where you come up with those things on your own.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/08/13 12:37 AM
yes, I am afraid of doing the wrong thing... for years... because I was always told it was the wrong thing! So, this turned me into a person who would then ask for h approval first. That doesnt work either! Nothing works!

Give me 1/2 credit, at least I knew not to jump to his last minute request... I just didn't know how to respond back.

I guess at this time, whats the worst that can happen? he will leave me? Uhhhmmm gee!

PON... don't you want me to post my "crazies here & not let him know about them?" He has no clue! As for 180 in business, you think its ok for him to be one way and I have to behave another? I am just standing up here. For example, its ok for him to not be available on Sunday, but expected me to be available 3times today, and then "on call" when he wanted me to drop for an unexpected client.

PON.. when you suggest that I stop discussing him, how can I ... when I have so much interaction with him that I am trying to process? Am I supposed to just internalize it, not post here, and go 3 days, till I can tell you all?

My 180's have to include business, most/all of our issues have to do with the business, because we weren't doing ANYTHING else, inspite of my requests for rel'p.

One of my new/recent 180's are to recognize that I am trying to control this situation. As much as I vent on here, I really am trying to back off & let what happens happens. So, when he is nice... I post here & am nice back... when he is distant... I post here & am giving space back... Is this not DB'ing?

I am putting my sitch in God/universe, and trying to trust that there is something better for me! Either way.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/08/13 01:05 AM
Thanks Gabbysmom. I moved out of HIS co-owned joint house with his Mom. Which is what he wants to do next, after we downsize our inventory (which partially sits at that house). He doesn't want to live with Mom anymore, he has made this very clear to me. Infact, he wants me to buy a house so that he can be jealous/envious & wanting to see me independent??

I thought that by posting my latest 180 was about ME. What I am DOING to help ME. I don't understand why its not coming across like that. I thought I would get support, its making me 2nd guess it now.

I appreciate everyone's help... I really do.

PON... How does he go from sending nice texts/calls, etc to can't stand me? I disagree. In reading DR today, aren't I supposed to enjoy them internally as baby steps? Why take them away from me?
Posted By: Melting Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/08/13 04:15 AM
Sweetie, do you think you can get to the point where you aren't even thinking about your H except as a co-worker? Because, for your sanity, that's kind of how you have to adjust your thinking. Otherwise, your Co-dependency on your H is like the cement blocks that are keeping you underwater. You aren't going to be able to breathe and move forward until you cut the chains. And your H isn't going to even consider coming back until you stop trying to drown him with your expectations and pressure.

Go out, live your life. Do things that bring joy to you, independent of him (including not thinking about texting him, what he's doing and why he is doing it). That's what makes an attractive woman. And that's what will help you start to see the value in yourself as an individual.
Posted By: cbtdad Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/08/13 05:21 AM
WFM,
Sorry I haven't posted on your sitch lately. Been a little crazy with thoughts myself. You've asked so many questions of people that truly can only be answered by yourself. You are very fortunate that a lot of old timers and people are still posting on your thread. It's the same things over and over again. You agonize over every little thing your husband does. This is about you!
As much as I am upset about my current situation with my W the one thing I know for sure is that progress has been made because of changes i made in me for me!!
I still have a long way to go. But W is confused right now because she honestly thought I couldn't make these changes.
If you want progress in your R you have to make progress in you first and i think others are getting frustrated because there doesn't seem to be any meaningful progress. You have to make this about you!
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/08/13 01:36 PM
Live your life and stop focusing on H. If he was into you would live with him
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/08/13 02:00 PM
hyper-focused... that's me. It's time to take the focus of H and my rel'p. and put it onto me. I believe I can take the focus off h, but not sure how to put it onto me. I am not sure what focusing on me looks like. I have been GAL, and looking at what my requirements are (such as standing up for myself), allowing h to build the bridge to coming back, me not chasing/controlling it, etc. I am not sure what else I should be doing. I am not one to focus on myself...feels opposite of who I am (nurturing, mother, fixer).

Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/08/13 02:17 PM
as read on another thread, applies to me!!.... My goal for this week is to reduce the time worrying about this stuff and focus on the positive sides of our interactions. Continue the friendship with no pressure, look after myself and hope for the best.
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/08/13 04:55 PM
how about working on your anxiety? when anxious thoughts come into your mind, find a way to LET THEM GO...

maybe tell your self that it's not important and it will work out. maybe tell yourself that you are not captain of the world and it will keep spinning without you trying to control it??

maybe stop thinking about your H and when you start to, think about how beautiful the day is and how lucky you are to be able to see it?

maybe plant some flowers, volunteer at a nursing home so you can talk to other people about their lives (do NOT bring up your sitch or H)?

maybe take some brisk walks? maybe turn off your phone for a couple of hours each day?

refocus, refocus. stop thinking about how this all effects YOU and think about others. really look at the people you interact with and be kind to them (the grocery store clerks, the bank tellers, the cashiers at walmart, etc.).

figure out why you and H always fought? i'm sure there's some improvement on your part that needs to be done. it can't all be his fault.
Posted By: Tallula Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/08/13 05:50 PM
I just caught up. Man, waiting...I seriously need a zanax after reading that. Deep breath.

You have gotten wonderful advice, really try to slow down and process it. Yes, we are here for spinning. I've done it. But I ususally just post the anger/spin, then write what I'm doing to not act on it. You spin, ask the same questions like you have no idea what the answer is.

You need to finish the book. You need to focus on you. What are your 3 GALS you will start this week? Not going out with friends, but a hobby, a home project, excersise program. Take ALL THIS ENGERGY you waste obessing about your H, and channel it into something for you!
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/08/13 05:54 PM
Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
yes, I am afraid of doing the wrong thing... for years... because I was always told it was the wrong thing! So, this turned me into a person who would then ask for h approval first. That doesnt work either! Nothing works!


More blame for your H. You'll never be able to fix yourself as long as you keep heaping all the blame on your H. You said his primary complaint was the constant arguing and based on your description of the arguing it sounds like you spent a lot of time blaming him. You're still doing it!

Quote:
PON... don't you want me to post my "crazies here & not let him know about them?"


99% of yours posts are H-focused. "He did X, Y and Z, how do I respond?" "H did this today, is that a good sign?" "He said this and I said that, did I do the right thing?" The bulk of your posts should be about YOU, what YOU are doing to recover from this, how YOU are GAL'ing, how YOU are becoming a spouse only a fool would leave. I am STILL reading "more of the same" behavior every time you post! You're still coming off as the same needy, desperate, clingy person that is hanging on H's every word and deed!

Quote:
PON.. when you suggest that I stop discussing him, how can I ... when I have so much interaction with him that I am trying to process?


YOU HAVE TO QUIT PROCESSING THEM!!!! That is what we keep telling you! Quit the mind-reading!! Drop it! Your H is DONE with you! Your M is DEAD! You have to start the long process of building yourself into a better person, and hopefully that in turn will attract your H back, but we're talking many months of hard work first. Until then you just have to accept he is done and that hyper-analyzing every single exchange is time wasted and taking your focus from where it needs to be.

Quote:
My 180's have to include business


180's are doing the opposite of what you were doing WRONG before. So were you doing things WRONG in the business?

Quote:
most/all of our issues have to do with the business, because we weren't doing ANYTHING else, inspite of my requests for rel'p.


Still blaming H.

Quote:
One of my new/recent 180's are to recognize that I am trying to control this situation.


That's not a 180. Doing the opposite, IE, not controlling, THAT is a 180. "Recognizing" the problem is not a 180.

Quote:
So, when he is nice... I post here & am nice back... when he is distant... I post here & am giving space back... Is this not DB'ing?


No. You're responding to his mood swings. DB'ing is detaching from his mood swings, giving him space when he's nice and giving him space when he's distant and ALWAYS being nice to him. Detach doesn't mean being cold and distant. You're supposed to "lovingly" detach.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/08/13 07:17 PM
DB never stops even when you think you're back on track it continues. I'm DB this week BIG time. The old me would have choked my W this week. It has been very challenging and I almost slipped last night. Was very frustrated. Space and GAL will forever be a part of your life
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/08/13 07:17 PM
Listen to AS ^^^
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/08/13 07:50 PM
AS, actually the arguments were not about blaming him. More like, I was minding my own merry self, and in came h, ready to pounce. But, I will consider what you said, as I do see blame in the way I wrote that. Yes, I realize that "recognizing the controlling/anxiety" issue is not the 180, but recognizing it is a start...I never saw it like that before. Now, I will work on allowing things to let be. Also, I am ALWAYS nice to him, and he seems to be nice back too. Even this morning, he said to me "sorry for missing my call" and gave a reason why he missed it. That's 2 comments/behaviours out of him that I haven't seen since we first started going out.

So... I guess you guys don't want to hear about today's interaction with h? oh well... We had to drive again about 45 mins out of city, I listened to h talk about his friend looking at cottages, work, other people, he then said after we pay his mom, my D, and what the business owes me, he'd like to buy a jeep for me & put it under the company name. I didn't respond much, other than how we would run it under the company.

I came back to my parents, cleaned a vehicle and am now heading to the city to take my daughter to apply for jobs. 180 for me, I don't like to go into the city...but am doing so for my awesome D.
Posted By: Tallula Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/08/13 08:00 PM
"So... I guess you guys don't want to hear about today's interaction with h? oh well"

No, that's fine what you ended up posting. It's when something he does, doesn't go your way and you flip and ask "What does that mean?!" "Why is he being mean" blah, blah.

If you posted "I had to call H for work, he didn't answer. It really annoys me and of course, I go crazy thinking about what he is doing, but I'm going to not call again and go for a run/walk/coffee with a girlfriend to get my mind off of it"

Does that make sense?
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/08/13 08:03 PM
yep... I need direction on how to focus on me.
Posted By: MrBond Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/08/13 08:06 PM
The interaction sounded like it went well. He was talking to you with the future in mind. Count that as a positive.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/08/13 08:11 PM
maybe mrbong.. I know that he wants us to have "stuff" and to "enjoy" our hard efforts... Just not sure if together or apart.
Posted By: MrBond Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/08/13 08:37 PM
When the positives come, you have to start recognizing them as such. The positives will be small and not so glaring. There are many WASs here who have absolutely no contact with their LBS and some whose contact is very negative and violent even. It's a plus what you're going through.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 12:44 AM
yes my W called 911 on me and threw a laptop at my head but....3 days later called me to pick up dinner. I counted that positive.

Count the positives. Even if it is once a month, then once a week,

Honestly WFM I still count my positives. Life is really about being non reactive. If you're non reactive it is such a better place to be.

Remember to learn the waltz
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 01:24 AM
sure... but, we have to get along... we own a business together. If he isn't nice to me, then I guess I would have to end the business, maybe he knows that too. I could not continue to work with him under anything less than nice/polite.

However, he was nice to me today. Bought me coffee too (normally we share a large, this was my own...sad for that), and later this evening apologized for not answering my call as he was on an important one. Lately, he wouldn't offer such an explanation.

I guss I will take these as positives. Sure is better than him being miserable at me. Lately, its been almost daily.
Posted By: MrBond Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 02:57 AM
Yes they are positives. You keep expecting these huge changes coming from him to be sure they're positives. AGAIN, that's YOUR expectations of how YOU think he should be acting. Give him a chance to express positives the way HE wants to. Stop trying to control things and accept the blessings that come your way.

First you complain that there are no positives, then when we point them out to you, you give reasons why they aren't positives. All of the changes will come slowly. You have to believe in them.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 03:10 AM
ok.... I will take your word, and wait & see. Im skeptical but super GREATFUL. These ``positives`` are very similar to the way he was in the very very very beginning, like the first few days of our relationship. I will take a back seat & let him lead the way HE wants to, if he wants to. And I, will focus on work, etc and anything else to keep from hyper-focusing on him & our r. I like the Dean & Carol story in DR, I keep re-reading it.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 01:52 PM
not sure I handled this the best way... this is a typical disagreement, that I get involved in. Please show me how to DB through this text convo.

H: Did you check list today?

M: alls good

H: Even X & Y or do you care

M: I wasn`t looking for them. Did u see any?

H: How would I (H just got a computer, I have been teaching him)

M: cuz I taught u

H: (5 mins later) Done it once....does same apply to you?

M: U ususally remember

M: (11 mins later) Are you mad at me now?

H: (25 mins later) No!

M: I hope not. Because I was complimenting...how I need to be told often, but you typically remember on first lesson. and it doesn`t translate very well in text.

I know him... He was annoyed when he suggests "do I remember things after being told only once" (I need multiple instructions) and based on the time it took him to answer, as the messages were instant....he was mad. Same ol h! I was trying not to get pulled into an arguement.... did I db?
Posted By: Tallula Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 02:14 PM
Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
not sure I handled this the best way... this is a typical disagreement, that I get involved in. Please show me how to DB through this text convo.

H: Did you check list today?

M: alls good

H: Even X & Y or do you care

M: I wasn`t looking for them. Did u see any?

H: How would I (H just got a computer, I have been teaching him)

M: cuz I taught u



I would have said: I know we only went over it once the other day, would you like me to show you again?

Originally Posted By: waitingformagic


H: (5 mins later) Done it once....does same apply to you?

M: U ususally remember


I would have just not responded. He was baiting you to fight. If I did, I would have said: Well, you usually remember things after one time. Would you like me to show you again?

Originally Posted By: waitingformagic


M: (11 mins later) Are you mad at me now?

H: (25 mins later) No!

M: I hope not. Because I was complimenting...how I need to be told often, but you typically remember on first lesson. and it doesn`t translate very well in text.



I would have done NONE OF THIS!!!! Just sit on your hands when you want him to validate you or when you feel like asking if he is mad. DON"T DO IT!!!

Originally Posted By: waitingformagic


I know him... He was annoyed when he suggests "do I remember things after being told only once" (I need multiple instructions) and based on the time it took him to answer, as the messages were instant....he was mad. Same ol h! I was trying not to get pulled into an arguement.... did I db?



Mindreading, analyzing waaaaay too much with the time between texts. My H does that to me all the time now. "It took you 10 minutes between texts, are you mad?" No, I was in fact, wiping your 2 year old's butt and then we sang twinkle twinkle...

We don't really know what is in our spouses minds, what they are doing. We just think we do.

You did well up to: I wasn't looking for them. Did you see any? Even the I taught you was ok.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 02:24 PM
Tx Tallula... I know he was baiting me.... and I just didn't know how to get out of it. Which is why I asked if he was mad, putting it back onto him and then suggesting he shouldn't be as it was meant as a compliment. He ended up calling shortly after and was quite nice...again. Work convo. No mention of the above other than did I want to buy X?

Pass/fail? ... LOL
Posted By: JuneReN Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 02:31 PM
I get the "are we not good" if I take too long to reply as well!! When I reply it is with an "LOL, phone was, I was...etc" and answer question. This is the truth, because if I have phone, I answer text if not busy.

That was a bit petulant on H's part "do you care?" He was itching for a retort and I think you did pretty good up until the "you mad at me" When you said "u usually remember" you could have said also "Jealous, because it takes me 1,000 times lol" and made it light. Texts can get misinterpreted. So if you meant it as a compliment say so. He does not have tone to go on....
Posted By: Tallula Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 02:37 PM
Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
Tx Tallula... I know he was baiting me.... and I just didn't know how to get out of it. Which is why I asked if he was mad, putting it back onto him and then suggesting he shouldn't be as it was meant as a compliment. He ended up calling shortly after and was quite nice...again. Work convo. No mention of the above other than did I want to buy X?

Pass/fail? ... LOL


Ok, I was once just like you. Telling my H what he should or shouldn't feel. You H has every right to get mad at you for absolutely nothing if he so chooses. If my H misunderstands me (which happends DAILY), gets mad and sulks or ignores me...oh well. Now if he asks me later, which is he does now since I just let him be mad, I will say..."Um, I was joking." He'll go. "OMG, I totally read that text wrong. I'm a jerk."

Pass/fail: I'm just going to say, that is what you need to change. You need for him to always understand your intent. He sees you through anger and resentment filled eyes. The more you react to it, the more he will still feel the same. Once I just let H be mad, and only "make things clear" when he would approach me about it, did he start to see that it was him who was reading the wrong things into my words. I would never have gotten him to see that.

Does this make sense to you?
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 02:38 PM
"H: Even X & Y or do you care"

This is where I would have shut it down by expressing my needs:

H, I don't like it when you or anyone else uses sarcasm with me. It hurts my feelings and feels like hostility and abuse to me. I don't want it in my life.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 02:45 PM
ohhhh good come back Inside... I wish I could have said "takes me 1000 times" that would have totally lightened it up. I meant it as a reminder/compliment.. that he goes around being "right and never needing to be retold". I was kinda trying to stick it back at him.

I think I did...ok... but, want to do way better. Texts usually get misinterpreted, which is why I decided to text back again, after ... are you mad.
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 02:47 PM
Are you mad is a codependent question.
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 02:48 PM
Are you looking for "come backs" or a happier relationship?
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 02:51 PM
asking him if he was mad, was directed at the fact that he was being silly, as I was complimenting him. Had I left it alone at that point... he would feel justified in pointing out that I need to be reminded 1000 times. I think I did way better than I normally would have, but a long way to go yet. Normally, I would have called back to see if he was mad and offered apologies for who knows what.

since then, he has called 2 times, and is quite nice.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 02:52 PM
I am wanting a happier relationship, one where I am not walking on egg shells & he respects me too.
Posted By: Tallula Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 02:53 PM
But do you get that you need to just let it go if he is mad, yet? That is the biggest problem. I did THE SAME STUFF!! Once I stopped reacting to it, things changed.
Posted By: Tallula Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 02:55 PM
Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
I am wanting a happier relationship, one where I am not walking on egg shells & he respects me too.


^^^THIS!!!^^^^ It is why you need to start letting go of how he feels. YOU are making YOU walk on egg shells. So what if he is pissed? Not on you. You did nothing to make him mad. You were complimenting. That's on him to get over or not. But, it's your NEED to make him see that you were complimenting him that has you walking on eggshells.
Posted By: adinva Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 02:56 PM
Texting back after...are you mad
does not fix anything. If he's mad that reinforces it.
If he's not made that is an annoying text and likely will make him mad. It is needy, clingy, shows lack of self confidence. I know you think there's a point to it and that it's useful, but how well has that belief served you so far?

Also, looking to us for a pass/fail on a minor interaction is sometimes ok to make sure you're headed in the right direction...but also sometimes seems excessive, needy, clingy, lacking self-confidence, toward us. Take the information you learned in the DB book, and the ideas that have been suggested, and learn to walk on your own more. It takes practice, but make it a goal....

I think sticking it to him in a serious or a light hearted way is unprofessional and irritating. If he obviously doesn't remember something you taught him, offer to teach him again, without rubbing his nose in it? If he were your boss would sticking it at him be viewed positively? If he were your underling would sticking it at him be viewed positively? If you dig a little for why you felt it was necessary to stick it to him at all, perhaps you'll find - a need to be right....- a defensive attitude....- a snarky, baiting approach to interactions....- something other than professional courtesy and/or loving interaction?
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 02:57 PM
T... yes, I get that. When he "baited" me, I saw it. First time ever to recognize it. 180. So, its a learning place for me. First, to see the bait, then to learn how not to respond. He didn't get mad until he felt attacked for not knowing how to do something, and smart mouthed back. I feel I should have responded the way Inside suggested. It would have diffused the situation and it wouldn't have gotten to the point of having to clarify myself.

Tx all.. I'm good.
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 02:58 PM
You're defending again. You're not listening. Asking him if he's mad is a sign of co-dependency, in your situation.

You need to express your feelings and your needs, unless it's fine with you if he's sarcastic with you?

Looking for maneuvers and comebacks is temporary. They don't solve your underlying communication problems and marital dysfunction.

I don't think you're ready to hear what I am saying. Maybe in six more months, or so, of this back-and-forth between the two of you, you might be more receptive.
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 03:04 PM
"H: Even X & Y or do you care"

This is where I would have shut it down by expressing my needs:

H, I don't like it when you or anyone else uses sarcasm with me. It hurts my feelings and feels like hostility and abuse to me. I don't want it in my life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you even read this?
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 03:06 PM
SS, Ad, & T... yes, I see that asking if he is mad is a sign of co-dependency and its keeping me walking on eggshells. I did that to myself. I need to not care if he is mad at me or not. I didn't do anything wrong. He misunderstood me, and thats that.

Ad, I was just posting to learn where/how I could have done better in a minor situation. I was not obsessing (as typical me), honestly it was to learn. I want to learn from my mistakes.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 03:25 PM
Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
not sure I handled this the best way... this is a typical disagreement, that I get involved in.


-sigh- From my previous post to you:

Quote:
99% of yours posts are H-focused. "He did X, Y and Z, how do I respond?" "H did this today, is that a good sign?" "He said this and I said that, did I do the right thing?" The bulk of your posts should be about YOU, what YOU are doing to recover from this, how YOU are GAL'ing, how YOU are becoming a spouse only a fool would leave. I am STILL reading "more of the same" behavior every time you post! You're still coming off as the same needy, desperate, clingy person that is hanging on H's every word and deed!


Personally I think your responses to H come off as flippant. So, it's "more of the same". What do you think would be a 180 on that? I would suggest that you be abundantly professional. Treat your H like you would a respected coworker. If he asks you if you did your job, then tell him in specific terms, not by throwing back "alls good". I've had plenty of people work for me over the years and I derive no comfort from fuzzy feel-good responses like that, and it sounds like your H doesn't either. So try something different.

It sounds like you narrowly averted an argument and you're patting yourself on the back for that. How about instead of narrowly averting an argument, you respond to H in such a way that he says "WOW, that was a fantastic exchange, she really has changed!!!" What can YOU do to make him think that?
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 03:27 PM
Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
I didn't do anything wrong. He misunderstood me, and thats that.


Aaaah, but if he misunderstood you then you DID do something wrong. POOR communication leads to misunderstandings. What can YOU do differently next time?
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 03:30 PM
AS... point taken. Where/how do you think I could have done that? (given a fantastic exchange?)

Also, I debated with myself to post that exchange, but I want to learn from it. I am trying to make this about me!
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 05:51 PM
Journal: replying on another thread re: eggshells/co-dependent.

//....and this is exactly how the walking on eggshells started for me. I would think one comment was the right thing or way to answer my h, change my mind, ask/comment a different way. Both were the wrong choices. I could never win. So, then I stopped trusting my insticts, and asked him his advice for every situation that arose. I stopped believing in myself. He felt like I was incapable of anything/decisions on my own. so did I// totally co-dependent.
Posted By: Tallula Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 06:00 PM
Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
Journal: replying on another thread re: eggshells/co-dependent.

//....and this is exactly how the walking on eggshells started for me. I would think one comment was the right thing or way to answer my h, change my mind, ask/comment a different way. Both were the wrong choices. I could never win. So, then I stopped trusting my insticts, and asked him his advice for every situation that arose. I stopped believing in myself. He felt like I was incapable of anything/decisions on my own. so did I// totally co-dependent.


Short version. Be you, stop caring how H takes it. Think before you speak, as in don't vomit out every thought you have. But, once you stop caring about how they take what you say, you can truly be yourself. He'll probably like that you the best. If not, and it's truly the happy, confident WFM...then you don't want that anyway.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 06:07 PM
another baby step?... h just called and shared a situation that just happened to him. It was extremely funny, and I laughed out loud. First time in ages. I recall, one of my persistant R talks, where I was suggesting that we need to laugh and have some fun. Maybe, this is why I got that shared chuckle? (mindreading)
Posted By: MrBond Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 06:45 PM
That is a baby step.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 07:09 PM
Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
AS... point taken. Where/how do you think I could have done that? (given a fantastic exchange?)


I'm trying to get YOU to figure that out!!! You keep asking us to tell you what to say, but we can't sit on your shoulder while you're having convos so you need to learn the techniques, not the words, so that you can apply the techniques to your words. Surely you can figure this out, but here we go:

H: Did you check list today?

M: alls good Yes, let me give you a quick rundown...

H: Even X & Y or do you care

M: I wasn`t looking for them. Did u see any? Let me check those and get back to you shortly.

H: How would I (H just got a computer, I have been teaching him)

M: cuz I taught u My apologies, I forgot you're not up to speed yet. Let me check that for you.

H: (5 mins later) Done it once....does same apply to you?

M: U ususally remember I forget you've only been through it once, when you get a chance I'll be happy to review the process with you again. I understand it'll take you a while to get up to speed.

M: (11 mins later) Are you mad at me now? <<<There is just no reason for this comment at all in a work environment.

H: (25 mins later) No!

M: I hope not. Because I was complimenting...how I need to be told often, but you typically remember on first lesson. and it doesn`t translate very well in text.


And for crying out loud, I know it's "just" texting, but use proper spelling, capitalization and grammar! It just looks sloppy and lazy when people text lines like "cuz I taught u".

Quote:
I know him...


No you don't, you only think you do!!! Did you not read my posts to you on this very thing, that you are making the EXACT same mistakes I made?? STOP! If you knew him so well you'd be happily married right now!
Posted By: Tallula Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 07:21 PM
Ok, WFM, I've thought long and hard about posting this. But AS brought it up, and frankly I think it is part of the problem.

People post things, and I don't think you read them. Or you just gloss over them. Due to this, I feel that you have done that reading DB. You seem to be missing the point that everyone makes. You have GOT to take BUT out of your mind. There are NO buts. My H is lying to me. Sleeping with 2 woman. Canceling seeing our children so he can "see" his lady friends. Have I flipped out on him? Texted angry things? Ran out and told anyone who will listen?

Ok, I've told a few people. But, no. I have not acted in haste or in the moment. I gather the info. I decide, with a clear head, how I will proceed. I ask the DB question, will this bring me closer or farther from my goal. My goal is to get the best, amicable divorce I can. Birth this child and co-parent effectively with my H. So, I don't tell my kids when they will see the father until I see the whites of his eyes. I set my boundaries. I look at me, and how I want to act in this life. Is it easy? No. DBing has been instrumental in the R with my H right now.

So, I challenge you to simply go back through this one thread and really read every post that the people here took the time to type. Each one, ask yourself "did I read this before? Process it? What can I learn from this?"
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 07:30 PM
Tallula is right. i know i'm beginning to feel as if i'm wasting my time. i told myself that i would no longer post on your thread because it seems you are cherry picking what you want and ignoring the rest.

i don't mean to insult you but have you ever been diagnosed with ADDH?
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 07:35 PM
whoa... what brought this on? I thought we were all done on my thread for the day?
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 07:40 PM
Sorry but your analyzing how long it takes your H to respond to txts and asking if he is mad at you . Then someone calls u out on it on here and you have answer for it. Like you have answer for everything. All you post about is your H and not much about what your doing to make yourself a better person. You might be the new hamster on the hamster wheel
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 07:48 PM
I was trying to learn from a simple discussion. One that I could easily type out (I see others do it, and wanted opinions) I wanted to see where I had errored or if I managed to get out of a baited arguement (I at least saw it coming). If I am supposed to spin by myself and not ask for help, then why would i bother posting? I must be doing some things right.... my h has been slowly offering baby steps, to which I can now see as that. I am greatful. I am a work in progress. I do not have answers.... I have questions!
Posted By: MrBond Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 07:59 PM
"I do not have answers.... I have questions!"

I'm just second-guessing everyone else but I think what might be turning some people off is the sheer volume of questions that you have. I've also seen you hijack a number of other people's threads asking questions about your sitch on theirs.

The thing is that I think you should be at the point where you should just be doing actions on your own and not ask if it was the right one or not. You just do the action and see if it gets a positive result. You need to give that time.

One thing I noticed is that you blamed your H for you not doing the right thing. I disagree. He's not even around and yet you're on here constantly asking if you're doing alright. I think (despite what you keep saying) that it's just who you are. You probably didn't notice it. We're not your H so you don't have to "prove" or seek validation from us. Yet you do so time and time again. For that part of your life, I think you need to stop blaming your H and really look at yourself. Maybe you're just a natural people pleaser. Nothing wrong with that. But I don't think you should blame your H for it.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 08:04 PM
can I not have some credit for recognizing what needs to be done, and am working on it? I feel that the 180's I could be changing are things within me... for example not walking on eggshells .... which is why I posted... to see where MY mistakes were, not that I was focusing on him in the convo. But to see MY mistakes & learn from it.

I agree with you Tally, AS & mrBond... I am turning people off for my "QUESTIONS"... but, if they don't like it, they don't have to read it or answer me. I'm going to be OK with that (180 from a people pleaser). For those of you who perserve. with me.. Thank you. You may also be correct MrBond that i am seeking validation, never saw that I might be blaming H for it... will think about that.
Posted By: Tallula Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 08:08 PM
I wasn't trying to beat you up or say you aren't doing anything right. Not at all.

I saw that AS posted something and commented that he has said it before, but feels you didn't read it. I have felt that way and I know Mr Bond has said it.

All I was trying to say, was that I think you might want to try to slow down a bit, and really read DB again, and read your thread/threads again. Then you might see a bit of what we all see.

Did I see progress in your convo, yes. However, you continuely put blame on your H. His feelings, his words, behavior. I know I've spoken to you on this many, many times. If you want to DB, or honestly have a happy life and interactions with humans...you have to put their actions out of your mind when you look at YOUR actions. No one can make me DO anything. I can justify it. Man, imagine all the things I could (trust me, and I do imagine smile ) to my H and these OW and would be totally justified. No one on earth would ever fault a pregnant woman with 2 small children who's H is doing the things mine is. But, who do I want to be?
Posted By: MrBond Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 08:09 PM
"can I not have some credit for recognizing what needs to be done, and am working on it?"

Of course you get credit. AND people have been giving your credit for it. However, you put them off when you question them giving your credit for an action that YOU don't think is positive.

That's probably how it was in your relationship. Your H probably gave you positives and pluses, however because you didn't think they were positives TO YOU, you probably missed them.

"I am turning people off for my "QUESTIONS"... but, if they don't like it, they don't have to read it or answer me"

That's why some people have left your post, but you keep popping up and asking questions about yourself on other people's threads. They have their own issues to deal with.

"You may also be correct MrBond that i am seeking validation, never saw that I might be blaming H for it"

You've been doing that since you got here. That just seems to be your personality and there's nothing wrong with that. But you were blaming your H for that part of you and I don't think it was justified.
Posted By: Tallula Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 08:11 PM
And I only say that, because when you feel "attacked" ie. someone suggests you could do something different, you justify it.

ALL OF US HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE!! We have done the things you have. None of us are judging you. We honestly want to help, but we aren't the sugar coating variety. There were plenty of "ata girls!" But all you see are the "but you could do's..."
Posted By: jp787 Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 08:13 PM
waitingformagic, One thing I see in you that I also have a hard time with is the need for reassurance from others. I only point this out from reading your thread and I see some of me there and it makes me want to change that in myself.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 08:17 PM
Tx Tally... when I read "other" threads, I understand and see things better... when it comes to my own, somehow I cannot. I think its finally sinking in about your approach. I just need to put it into practice. Thank you for sticking by me.

As read on another thread from AS (he was like me):

//Oh man, well for sure I would take back the begging/ pleading/ negotiating/ crying. //... Thank gawd I have stopped this!


//The other thing I would change is learning to STHU and just listen and validate//.... I believe I have started to do this with H. It has been exactly one week since I have had that last R talk. I want to listen more! I cannot hear what he is saying, if I am talking!

//I eventually figured that out (with the help of DR, these forums and RetroV), but it took months and months to get there and in the meantime I spent WAY too much time talking and not nearly enough listening which for me was "more of the same" behavior because that's what I did throughout the M.// ... me 2, THIS is what I want to change in ME (one area), I want to be more of a listener. Being a listener, is to ask questions.

//And I spent way too much time trying to fix my M and fix my W. I worked on fixing me too and I certainly don't regret that part, but I was trying to fix EVERYTHING and not recognizing that W and the M were outside of my control.// ... I already know that my H is outside of my control.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 08:23 PM
We are all trying to get you take focus off your husband and look at yourself . Really really look at yourself . You know why??? Because I wasted 1 year if my life on this forum being a victim and doing the blame game.

So yes bravo for recognizing and intercepting your behavior. Guess what that will need to continue on for the rest of your life. I have accepted that I will have to DB for the rest of my life if I want things to work

If you are just making changes to win back your H you will fail and he will see right through it but.... If you start focusing only on you and make true changes he will come back and if not he is a fool for leaving

Treat your business as a day job and him as a peer.

Are you going to any self growth stuff? Local church or women's retreats? Counseling or effective communications ? How about going to the 5 love languages website and taking quiz and discovering your own love language . And then guess your husbands . Maybe your husband isn't capable of speaking in your love language. Maybe this will help u with expectations or shine a light on some stuff. FYI my W doesn't always speak my LL and I'm learning to learn another LL.

If I didn't care I wouldn't post . Believe me I know your sitch sux. Bond once said stop trying to figure out craziness. Maybe u need too do same and start doing your work
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 08:51 PM
PON... I appreciate it.. I dooooo. I have been taking it off him and onto what MY faults are (until going on this site, I have been unable to recognize them). The areas that need work: I am hyper-focused (in all projects/h), co-dependent, need my confidence back, I need to not be on egg shells with him, I need to see this as my problem (not his), I need to not care what others think (althoug I always will), I need to stop looking at others for reasurrance (tx jp)... anyone else care to jump in?

Ohhh.. I am NOT making any of these changes for HIM. I need these things for myself and to show strength to my daughter.

At this time, I cannot do much for self growth. This is high season for us, and I need to focus on business. I didn't know I could go to that website, I will... but If I post about it, don't think I am "focusing" on h.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 10:41 PM
Just a tool. Post about it, post your LL. it isn't just for h and w relationships. Do you know your daughters LL. do u speak it to her
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/09/13 11:45 PM
ok, on 5LL... my high scores are 12 physical touch, 8 words of affirmation. How can I find out what h's are? I would think he likes acts of service. Can I do the test for him?
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/10/13 12:43 AM
Those are my LLs. No you can't do test for him. Are you listening to yourself? You post your LL and immediately follow with how can I tell my husbands can I take it for him. Honestly re-read that and see how silly it sounds.

You should be able to identify your spouses love language. I knew my wife's were acts of service and quality time.

Often you try to speak your love language to your spouse. So in your case. Physical touch and affirmation. (Hugs & compliments ) but.... his LL is acts of service so that don't work.

Anyways it's just a tool to understand yourself better.

My wife has trouble with words of affirmation . It's hard for me. I do tons of acts of service and all I want is a thank you or a hug. I hardly get it but when I do it makes me goofy . But overtime she will do acts of service for me and I just take that as her way of saying I love you.

This is something you share with a spouse when you move into piecing . My wife took quiz but we were piecing . I took quiz 8 months before her and I listened to the book 3 times on iTunes . These are things you can start to do to focus on yourself . Stop asking about H
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/10/13 12:51 AM
In a side note this part of your signature looks silly:

"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13

I highly doubt in my opinion he came to you and said that . It sounds like more that you pressured him and he gave you the answer you wanted to hear so your feelings didn't get hurt

Why don't you put that up there when your H truly comes to you asking to get back together and work on things . I don't think he will until you take the advice on this board.

The stuff you posted above are some good starting points.

But you need to let go of your husband , give up control, and work on yourself.
When you interact with him for business treat him as peer and that's it.

Don't analyze txts, txt response times, etc etc etc. just stop.
Put a rubber band on your arm and when you want to obsess about H , snap it hard. I use to visualize stop sign or pull my arm hair .

You can do this.

Can you join yoga class with friend or daughter.
Go see reike specialist in your area. Ultimate relaxation
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/10/13 01:06 AM
PON... I was asking about LL for h, because I have been reading how others had done it, so thought I misses 1/2 the test. Would like to be sure of his LL, and not assume...thats all.

As for the signature... I leave it like that as a reminder of the fool I was on that date. It was me pushing him into "agreeing"... and he did, but didn't back it up. However, when I did the same thing on April 2... he has been nice ever since, and I have noticed some baby steps... so, I am keeping it like that, until I can change it to something better. MY reminder of a backslide.

As for treating my h as a peer, that is a difficult task. As I want more & fear that having only a business rel'p with him will only be just that... business. But, I guess if that is all he wants, there's nothing I can do about that. frown

Ok.. i will stop analyzing texts/text time, etc... all of it!

I have "thought" and even enquired about yoga... its not really my thing, but am open to it. My D is finished school in a few more days, she has a pass, so I may take it up with her...just to do anything different.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/10/13 12:34 PM
Focus on yourself. That why I was hesistant telling you about LL. First thing you say is H talk. Focus on yourself. Stop stop stop. Once you give up control and let go of your H your anxiety will go away
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/10/13 01:01 PM
Today is my anniversary... 20 years... guess we didnt make it frown


super sad.
Posted By: in_it Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/10/13 01:09 PM
Waiting-sending strength your way on this difficult day. My 10th is in a couple of months & I've thought about how I will handle that day.

Stay positive & come here to vent if needed.

I've never tried yoga, let us know how it goes. My SIL tries to get me to go all the time.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/10/13 01:12 PM
Thanks In-it. The thing is, Im not even sure h will remember as we haven't celebrated it in a few years, and he has even forgotten a few times. A real sore spot.

I have to see him today too (client appts). Sigh

Lord, give me strength to not lose it today !! NO R Talks!
Posted By: in_it Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/10/13 01:31 PM
You can handle it! Just try to think of it as any other day. I know it's easier said than done, but anything is worth a shot.

With all the ups & downs endured already prepare yourself to expect and feel like what one of those hardest you've had thus far. Maybe that can help your mindset throughout the day. And maybe, just maybe it won't be as bad as the baddest days. I have a feeling that may be the case.

Good luck!
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/10/13 01:35 PM
I will handle it... just hope to STFU, and not get into R talk or cry around him! I just want to stay in bed and cry today. Wish I didn't have to see him...Gotta suck it up!
Posted By: Tallula Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/10/13 01:36 PM
Hugs, WFM! I went through my wedding anniversary in Feb. Surprisingly, it wasn't horrible. Friends of mine had the kids and I over, my family was supportive. Really...it's just another day. YOU, are fabulous. YOU be your friend. Just say it over and over!!
Posted By: reb9597 Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/10/13 02:09 PM
Ohhh that's rough. Hang in there! My birthday, H's birthday, Mom's day & anniversary are all within a couple weeks. I'll want to hide soon too. frown Try to think of a reward you can look forward to at the end of the day. I nice glass of wine and soak in the tub.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/10/13 03:07 PM
it is just a day. Just like V day. birthdays etc..
Just by stating this:

Today is my anniversary... 20 years... guess we didnt make it

your putting focus on him again.

You need to wake up everyday and live in the moment. Why would you even think about talking R with him? so you get deflated and put pressure on him.

On my wedding anniversary I did not acknowledge it. No card. No nothing for her. She actually was nice to me for weeks after that

It is just a day. You really need to change your attitude.

Google law of attractions. You seek misery you will be miserable. You seek happiness you will be happy. Misery loves company comes from somewhere.

We had a a relative female that thrived off of me and my W's problems. It was pretty sick. All of sudden her M was going bad. Misery loves company. Be happy. You can do this.

I don't know how else to drill into your melon how important it is to take focus off H. I wonder if your life depended on it if you would. Im guessing you might die
Posted By: mizjjd Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/10/13 05:21 PM
WFM,

Look, the day is more than half over already!

You CAN do this.

Tomorrow will be better, but not as good as the day after.

Peace smile
Posted By: adinva Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/10/13 05:31 PM
My condolences WFM, I truly do understand.
Now snap out of it and get through this day with a plan to pamper yourself later. Do NOT mention it to H, and if he mentions it be very breezy before you change the subject back to work. Put a mantra in your head to repeat when it gets difficult, like manicure-at-6-manicure-at-6-manicure-at-6 (that's one I would use). Reward yourself, and then later, at the end of the day when you aren't going to risk letting your guard down with H, have a good cry if you feel like it. It's a sad thing. Just keep your sadness private and project to H a PMA.
Posted By: Pathfinder2 Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/10/13 06:45 PM
Hey, wfm!! How are you doing? smile

On our anniversary, my wife did NOTHING.

I bought her a card and a plant. That was it.

We are still here. Nothing different because of that day. In the big scheme of life, that day really isn't very significant.

Hang in there and keep DBing!!
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/10/13 07:29 PM
well... managed to get thru, so far... Not sure if I projected a PMA, but at least no tears in front of him. We sold some product, and he bought us each a hot chocolate & shared a bagel. Normally, we share an XL drink (this time there was 2 cups)... this is noticed.

Still really sad. I feel so rejected or put on hold. Sad.

Anniversary's are a bit of a sore spot for me, as he has forgotten in the past and intentionally ignored them too.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/10/13 07:33 PM
also, PON... I have read the secret, and the Power of Now & I feel I have received A LOT due to my positive images (business success, health, relationships). Regretfully, even feel I wished this separation upon myself. REGRETS !! Now, I am not sure how to get that back.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/10/13 11:28 PM
ok... so finished reading DR, with the exception of chapter 11 (depressed spouse) and chapter 13 (sex)...neither of these areas our our problems...or should I read them anyway?

I now have "co-dependent no more" and "getting back together" to read.
Posted By: JuneReN Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 12:24 PM
WFM....there are so many positives but you see them as negatives.. H brought me a hot chocolate. I was sad because we usually share one cup..

There are others who would be over the moon if their spouse brought them a coffee etc. BTW, if he often brings you these things, it may be one of his LLs (receiving gifts). Do you ever bring him a coffee or drink or bagel?

High season shmigh season. If you do not take time for you you will crash. Most of us can use work to dive into and forget about H, you cannot. If you do not do something for you then he has all your space. No one should ever have that, not even in a wonderful happy marriage.

I cannot stress how important it is to do something every day for you. Even if it is getting up to exercise or talk a walk or go for a mani etc etc.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 12:27 PM
Good morning... I am posting another text exchange, for ME, to see if you all feel like I handled it better. I feel I made my point and stood up for myself:

H: return client appt. 930am tomorrow

M: Great! Did they say why?

H: Don't know

M: Are you asking me to go?
(This is where I normally stress and wonder if I am expected to go to this appt, as sometimes he says he will do it other times, he expects me there... recall, I ALWAYS ask if a client time is suitable for him, he doesn't offer the same respect to ask.)

H: Of course

M: It wasn't clear. Tty in the am then.

After that exchange, I felt detached.. I sensed his mood as we hadn't spoke since 3pm. I wasn't going to let this convo bring me down with him... I was already there on my own (anniv.)

New day today (raining), 9:30 appt.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 12:53 PM
WFM inside out states exactly what I am trying to tell you. Your H might be trying to talk to you in HIS LL. Act of service or gift by bringing you a drink. It sounds silly but it is so true. OFTEN we try to speak to our spouse/partner in OUR LL and when the spouse doesn't respond to it (because it isn't his/hers) we get deflated. You need to recognize this and see it as a positive.

Why not try to change the dynamics one day and you get the hot chocolates (2 of them not 1).

I am literally trying to learn to accept my W's LL she speaks in. Which is "Acts of Service" which does NOTHING for me. Zero. But Im trying to get use to it
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 03:09 PM
HI PON, yes I do know that his LL is acts of service. BUT, I see the 2 hot chocolates as just a nice guesture towards a business partner on an anniversary...its all he could do. If he meant it as a LL towards me, it would have been one cup.

When I try to do nice things, he usually rejects them... so would not do the hot chocolate/coffee guesture. But last week I gave him a bottle of wine. He appreciated that.
Posted By: cbtdad Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 03:12 PM
WFM, this definitely contradicts itself.

"When I try to do nice things, he usually rejects them... so would not do the hot chocolate/coffee guesture. But last week I gave him a bottle of wine. He appreciated that."

So why would he appreciate the wine, but not hot chocolate?
Posted By: JuneReN Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 03:20 PM
So WFM, what if he did nothing at all? I am laughing because you seem to be the Bugs Bunny guy..."Where's the Kaboom? There's supposed to be an earth shattering Kaboom!"
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 03:33 PM
cbt... the wine I can drop off & leave. The hot chocolate, insinuates sit down and enjoy now. Besides, we are always on the fly. We don't sit down to enjoy much anymore.

IO... oh, dont get me wrong, I appreciate the guesture. For weeks I was wanting him to have just a coffee with me.

Today he is pretty testy with me.... just pushed my buttons. He is acting all "busy" and being short wicked with me. When I questioned him he said, that I don't provide answers to him. Then he suggested we stick to the call at hand, business. I said, thats "ALL I AM" and that he should be happy we are selling... said bye and hung up on him....

Should I correct this? I kinda hung up on him
Posted By: cbtdad Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 03:36 PM
NO! Do not call back. And stop questioning him. And yes, right now that's all you are to him "business partner"
I know that hurts, but that's why you can't react to it. I lost myself with a little craziness, but I feel back on track!
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 03:38 PM
OK cbt... yes, business partner only... I have a hard time with that line. So, you dont think I should text back saying sorry for crossing a line and upsetting him that I am just trying to parter back & get the job done?

Or... let him know I was mad, and he can be mad at me?
Posted By: cbtdad Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 03:43 PM
What outcome are you looking for?
And I am sorry that line hurts, but all I am to my W right now is her sons father.
We have to accept that for the moment, doesn't mean it will be that way forever. But at this moment unfortunately majority of us on this board are in that boat
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 03:46 PM
you over analyzing and mind read everything. DONT you see this. I mean EVERYTHING

1 cup 2 cups. SERIOUSLY. STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 03:49 PM
I just want him to understand, that if he is SOOO busy, I was just trying to help out.

I dont understand why he is so testy these last 24 hours...
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 03:55 PM
I agree cbt... I questioned where I shouldn't have. None of my business anymore what he is sooooo busy about.

I just texted:

you said you wer so busy, and I was just trying to help. I was upbeat about selling more product today and wanted to be a good partner and keep the pace.

H immediately texted back:

Sorry just focused smile

I texted:

Me too. Let me help!
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 04:01 PM
"I dont understand why he is so testy these last 24 hours..."

STOP
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 04:04 PM
ohhh K !!

I'm very excited! I just received a client call from my favorite interior designer from TV, looking to book an appointment with us for purchase. .... Gosh, would love to share that with h, but wont!...he's toooooo busy!
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 04:06 PM
"Gosh, would love to share that with h, but wont!...he's toooooo busy"

STOP

I think you need to purchase a STOP sign

Did you read this from MWD today:

Sometimes, when your marriage is on the rocks, you start to wonder how relationship goals that require two people's active participation apply to you. That's why I decided to write Ten Marriage Saving Strategies You Can Do Alone! for those people who don't have the luxury of their partner's support. Here are ten goals that you can accomplish yourself!


1. Envision positive outcomes
There is no way that you can begin to accomplish positive change your marriage if you don't believe it is possible. Start by imagining what your life will be like when your marriage truly turns a corner. The more you can picture every detail, the easier it will be to eventually step into this picture at some later date.

2. Act as if you expect miracles to occur
Once you can imagine positive outcomes, reflect on how you will be behaving differently when they happen. Then start doing that right now!

3. Be kind, even if you think your spouse doesn't deserve it
You may be angry, disappointed, or even devastated by your spouse's choices and actions. However, rather than react to unsettling behavior, assume your spouse is lost and confused. Be patient, kind and steady and your efforts will pay off.

4. Focus on small, positive changes
Don't expect big changes overnight or you will be disappointed and it will make it hard to stay on track. Imagine the smallest change possible that would signal a shift in how things have been going. Then focus on that.

5. Promise yourself that you will have a great future, no matter what
You can not control what your spouse does, but you can control what you decide to do with yourself and your children, if you have them. Take a deep breath and envision how you are going to create a great future, regardless of your spouse's choices.

6. Exercise your worry away
Take a walk, get some exercise to become more fit. Exercise can be a lifesaver. It helps to assuage worries, feel good about yourself and increase feel-good hormones like endorphins. Go for it!

7. Do one new thing you enjoy
Don't become stale just because you are having a shaky time in your marriage. Novelty will stimulate your brain and maybe even your heart and help you have a more positive outlook about the future.

8. Make sure you have quality time with your children or other loved ones. Be present.
Many times, when people are teetering on the brink of divorce, their pain makes them become self-absorbed and staying the moment becomes a challenging task. You will never be able to do your children's childhood again, so do your best to be with them mentally when you're with them.

9. If you get off track, get back on quickly without self-blame
What separates the winners from the losers is not whether or how many times you get off track, it's how rapidly you get back on track. If you've veered from the Divorce Busting plan, hop right back on track without self-recrimination.

10. Do activities that help you rediscover serenity
Meditate, pray, hike in the mountains or watch a sky full of shooting stars. On a regular basis, do whatever it takes to bring you back to yourself. You and everyone around will benefit from your peacefulness.
Posted By: cbtdad Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 04:12 PM
Thanks PON for posting that!
I have copied and will read that every single day
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 04:28 PM
Thanks PON! I will read and re-read too!
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 04:38 PM
this must be detachment starting... H is soooooo busy (apparantly), but since we are in the same business, what could he be sooooooo busy about that I am not in the loop. This is bothering me, not knowing...but, part of me is also saying he's doing whatever...so whatev. Let it go.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 04:59 PM
"H is soooooo busy (apparantly), but since we are in the same business, what could he be sooooooo busy about that I am not in the loop."

STOP
Posted By: Melting Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 05:21 PM
^^^AGREE. WFM, everyone is telling you to stop focusing on your H. STOP.

Have you looked into counseling for yourself? I know you have mentioned you take some meds, so am assuming they were prescribed by a psych? I've asked you about counseling in the past but you never responded. For your sake, I think it might be something you should investigate. Judging by all of your posts over the course of your time here, I strongly urge you to work with someone. Reading the books alone seems to be difficult for you and I think you would do well having someone personally help you interpret what you read.
Posted By: Pathfinder2 Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 05:27 PM
PON,

thanks for posting that stuff from MWD. I needed that!
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 05:31 PM
PON & Melting... you are missing my point. The point I was making is that this typically bugs me and this time I wasn't going to let it. I was posting about it, as I noticed a change in my feelings.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 05:34 PM
its the latter of the sentance that should be credited. I posted how I normally felt vs. the next detaching stmt!
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 06:07 PM
your sooooooooo letting it go, it sooooooo doesn't bother you (apparently)
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 06:14 PM
Im just saying... I realize this is where it bothered me, and decided to let it go (detachment)... er, at least I thought I was (until all these unecessary posts).

H just now sent me a picture of a chq we just received from the gov't, along with a smiley....baby step? (assuming this is sharing?)
Posted By: Melting Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 06:25 PM
Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
Im just saying... I realize this is where it bothered me, and decided to let it go (detachment)... er, at least I thought I was (until all these unecessary posts)


Unnecessary posts because you aren't hearing what you want to hear? I completely understand why some of the folks that were trying to help you have decided to abandon ship. I really hope you find yourself in all of this. I wish you luck. As they say on Shark Tank, "I'm out".
Posted By: jp787 Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 06:31 PM
Thanks PON
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 06:31 PM
I'm detaching myself
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 06:33 PM
Thanks for stopping by Melting and offering your time... this is my thread and its just me journalling. I feel it was my first detachment or at least recognized detachment and wanted to share. Im not understanding when you say "hearing what I want to hear?" I was just posting MY feelings and PON was calling me out on it... I get it... Tx for the 2x4 PON!
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 07:04 PM
Is it possible that many of you think I am hyper-focused because I have so much communication with my h? (way more than most on this board). I have been reading other threads where the h is still living with the w, and they post similar stuff like I do.

I truly feel part of my change, 180, detachment is to not be on egg-shells & stand up for myself. So, when I post about my communication with h, its NOT because its about him, but about MY interraction and trying to 180. I am posting for support on my 180.

Positives:
-several baby steps that I can be happy about
-still excercizing daily
-able to eat, sleeping better
-awesome things happening for my D, that I am able to enjoy
-selling product (YAY!!)
-large gov't cheque arrived today
-lots of communication (h is not afraid to call/be with me)
Posted By: Melting Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 07:35 PM
WFM, I have reread my post and would like to apologize for being out of line. You are definitely going through a lot and I feel for you. I really do. I truly hope you are well and take care of yourself.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/11/13 07:42 PM
Melting... I appreciate you saying that, but please do tell me... am I focusing on H, or do you see it as a 180(standing up) that I am needing help with?

Tx.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/12/13 12:03 AM
// The ONLY time the WAS comes back is when the LBS has completely dropped the rope and let them go. There are no exceptions. It usually happens because the WAS has experienced life without the LBS, has had time to process the hurt, and eventually gains perspective on the fact that leaving didn't solve their problems, that the LBS wasn't as bad as they made them out to be, that they may have had their own role in the breakdown of the marriage, etc. Once they've gotten there (and there's nothing you can do to promote that journey) THEN they need to see you happy without them. //

Was reading this on another thread from Accuray... I totally understand the above...I feel I have been pretty good with non-pursuit of my h, from pretty early on (with exceptions of a few backslides). I also see that distance/time/space has brought him back from the cliff too. However, I have a problem believing how this can work for me, when we work/see/speak together so much...how will my h ever experience life without me, when I am right here. How can the "heart grow fonder" theory work, when I can't be "absent"? I keep our convo's mainly about work.

This exact question was part of my original question from day one about owning a business, how can this work for me? I have been wondering for a long time.
Posted By: MrBond Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/12/13 12:17 AM
You don't need to be physically detached from him. Just keep things friendly. HOWEVER, if things start turning for the better, you don't need to be totally away from him. Every situation is different. There are no absolutes.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/12/13 12:42 AM
ok... thanks, didn't know that. MrBond, did you want me to read the chapters in DR about sex (ch 15) and depression (ch 13)? or are there things in there that are useful tools too. I think you will be happy to know that the library wants its book back, but I have decided to BUY IT! It is a tool I will forever need, and I really enjoy the story of Carol and Dean.

Another thing I have learned is that guilting, begging, pleading my h to come back, will not benefit me or our future rel'p. I do not feel the need to temp check or to R talk anymore. The next hurdle for me is to stop asking questions!! I now realize that HE has to WANT to come back because HE wants to come back. I realize the best thing I can do, is to let him go (and I have, way more than what I ever thought I could)...if thats what he really wants. I want him to work towards me so that I can be valued in our new rel'p. So, in turn will keep a distance so that he feels a need to reach forward...correct?

As he had months to prepare for our split, I am still devastated but am working the best I can. I know I am obsessed with losing it/him...and now me in the process. I am struggling to get me back. In discussion with my D tonight, she pointed out that I haven't even been helpful to my parents (living with them). I realize this and so tonight I did the dishes (small start), but thats how lost and hyper-focused I have been. Maybe, if I "fake" having a normal life back, I will gain some insight on how to live a normal one again. This separation is such a blow to me on every level. It's like learning to walk for the first time.

I hope people can be patient with me.

Tx to anyone who read.
Posted By: JuneReN Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/12/13 01:54 AM
They say fake it til you make it for a reason. After a while you begin to believe in it. smile. Remember, your spouse didn't get up one day and just decide to leave. That was the best ting I had read. Least I can do is give it some time,, he certainly did.
Posted By: ThisDayForward Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/12/13 02:02 AM
WFM your last post is the first post I've seen from you that shows slight signs you're finally getting it
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/12/13 02:20 AM
ohh... ive been getting it, but just posting about the stuff I was struggling with. Honestly, I have gotten A LOT! Accuray's posts of tonight have been bang on... and based on that I feel good about some of my progress... still a long way to go, but the sooner I can get going... the better it will be.

Another thing I may start to do is limit my time on this site. I have been obsessing and that takes away from doing "normal" things like...cleaning, cooking, and watching TV... normal things that if I were to start doing again, I might not be so obsessed. At least I can fake starting to try... this seems simple but thats how far back I really am. So, I apologize if I can't keep up with all the threads. I need to be a little selfish at the moment and focus on me.

PON, I want YOU to know that I am a HUGE believer in Positive Thinking. I am successful because of my thoughts. I have even worked my magic and brought people from far away back into my life, 3 different relationships. Health too. At one point all was great in my life, except my R...so, with knowledge of my focus, I feel I actually brought my separation onto myself (with major regret now). For months, I have been trying to be positive again, but have been angry at myself and the universe. I am trying to find PMA again and I am pretty hopeful that I can bring my R back. I totally trust my thoughts are capable and can do this, as I have made exciting things happen. I really need to focus my thoughts again. Please continue to encourage me.

I have faith in my love and know that h still loves me.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/12/13 02:36 AM
Originally Posted By: waitingformagic
I just want him to understand, that if he is SOOO busy, I was just trying to help out.


Quit pursuing. You don't need to make him understand anything. Give him time and space and let him figure things out himself. YOU need to work on YOU.

Quote:
I dont understand why he is so testy these last 24 hours...


Detachment is all about removing yourself from his emotional highs and lows. Did you already forget my post that you copied from another thread and pasted here into your own?

Attached: H happy, you happy. H sad, you sad. H angry, you angry.

Detached: H happy, you happy. H sad, you happy. H angry, you happy.

Quote:
this must be detachment starting... H is soooooo busy (apparantly)


The very fact that you posted that 2nd sarcastic comment makes it very clear that you are NOT detached.

Quote:
but since we are in the same business, what could he be sooooooo busy about that I am not in the loop.


Yup, definitely not detached. You have just got to stop obsessing over every little thing your H says and does.

Quote:
This is bothering me, not knowing...


= NOT DETACHED

Quote:
but, part of me is also saying he's doing whatever...so whatev. Let it go.


But you clearly can't just "let it go", and that is because you are not detached.

Why am I hammering this point home? Because saying you're detached does not make you detached. You need to BE detached, not SAY you are. I wish you could step clear of your sitch and read your posts with an impartial bias, because if you could see how needy/ clingy/ codependent you're being then perhaps you'd realize how badly you need to break the cycle.
Posted By: MrBond Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/12/13 03:08 AM
I think you should read it, because I'm a firm believer in learning as much as possible. And you never know. You might find yourself in a SSM or depressed situation.

I think you are doing a better job than when you first got here and are making big improvements. Just keep remembering to work with what you have and continue to have patience. You can do it.
Posted By: adinva Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/12/13 02:03 PM
WFM, you are right. Noticing, acknowledging, and verbalizing what you are trying to change is a step in the right direction, but it does not equal accomplished change. Keep noticing, acknowledging, verbalizing, but try to do it as trends, not in-the-moment play by plays. Here is a challenge for you. Go from now until five days from now, rereading DB, practicing detachment, biting your tongue if necessary to keep from reacting and/or getting dragged into a negative interaction, never acting other than professional coworker with him, and in some free time definitely reading codependent no more and underlining anything that resonates with you, anything you see yourself in. Keep mental notes or a little notebook in which you bulletpoint things that went well and things that didn't in your actions, not in H's. Not a cup of coffee he bought, but a testy phrase from him that you recognized in the moment and chose not to take the bait. Where did you slip up and why, and where did you do well and why. In five days, come back and write down the trends, not the play by plays: for example, three times I noticed H make a testy remark and I ignored it, sixteen times I asked him are you mad - oops- and I noticed it sounded unprofessional so the 17th time I let him just experience his own feelings while I went along on my own way, one time I had an opportunity to ask him about our R and I didn't.

Can you do that?

On a separate note, you said:
Quote:
how will my h ever experience life without me, when I am right here. How can the "heart grow fonder" theory work, when I can't be "absent"?

A question back at you. You still work with him, what are YOU missing?

Now, keep working the program! Find yourself and heal yourself. Take care,
adinva
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/12/13 02:29 PM
Thank You MrBond & Advina!!

Advina, thank you for spelling it all out like that... that is something I can understand & follow. I will try to do as you asked, as it is what is good for me.

//"what am I missing?"//

I am missing a lot. I miss everything. Not sure I understand what you are suggesting here. Please explain. Tx.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/12/13 04:18 PM
I'm not challenging... I WILL DO IT, but can someone explain how me being "professional only" will help?

TX
Posted By: Pathfinder2 Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/12/13 04:51 PM
WFM, I agree with the feedback here saying you are sounding much better these days. There for a while, you sounded like you were drowning. Now you sound like you're not panicking anymore.

Keeping your business relationship professional would not entail being cold or distant, but would mean that there are certain things you don't bring up or try to address. Think of your husband as an office coworker with whom you don't have a past. I know it sounds impossible, but maybe that's the way to approach this.

If you and he were just office coworkers, then none of this would be an issue. You would not be affected by things he did or didn't do. They would just be benign events that happened during the course of a day.

I really like Adinva's advice to keep a record of general events and how you respond and how it plays out. Looking at trends and patterns of behavior is impossible without a log. I have started a journal to track this in my situation. In this way, I too aspire to pay attention to what works and what doesn't in my R with my wife.

I have spent way too much time on "she did this and then I said that..."
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/12/13 05:01 PM
mhm... except for the fact that I fear only ever being a co-worker and thats all. How can we ever be more again?

Tx P2... I really hope I am on the right track now. Its so hard when your rug has been pulled out from underneath. *Im sure you know!
Posted By: MrBond Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/12/13 05:19 PM
"I fear only ever being a co-worker and thats all. How can we ever be more again?"

Stop putting the cart before the horse. While you are together, increase the positive interactions. You don't need to full on pursue him, but just get to know him again.

AND STOP ASKING PEOPLE TO EXPLAIN THINGS TO YOU. Some things you have to rely on faith. Just do the actions and see what happens.
Posted By: JuneReN Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/12/13 08:11 PM
Hey WFM, there seems to be a little less franticness today. Good!

You cannot choose for him. You cannot choose that he love you, come back, start again etc. You can, however, choose for you.

You are not choosing for you. I know you think "But I choose H". He has told you, he is not, at this point choosing you. So you let it go.

And Bond is right...give stuff a shot. Sometimes DB X will work and sometimes it won't. You have to try to figure this out. What works for me or Ad or Bond may or may not work for you. But the base is there for you to work with and you have lots of advice to pick through and take what is applicable to you.

There really is no answer, just more questions. But we call it life, whatever shape it takes.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/12/13 08:55 PM
tx IO... its the waiting for WAS to decide that has my nose outta joint today. Who does he think he is? grrrrr.

Back to paperwork for me, then trying to hook up with neighbours for some wine time! smile
Posted By: adinva Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/12/13 11:41 PM
The point of my question was this: You and he are only coworkers right now and you're missing him like crazy. Yet you say if you're only coworkers with him it's impossible for you to create space for him to miss you. The space is already right there. It's EMOTIONAL space.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/12/13 11:46 PM
ok.. and you think EMOTIONAL space will be sufficient for him to miss me? Is that why you suggest to stay only professional? Let him miss the other stuff? (I have been doing this "prof/co-worker WFM" since February, with a few slip ups/backslides). He said he missed me, but there he is...still doing his thing.
Posted By: Shiss Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/12/13 11:48 PM
I second that grrrr! Treat him like a co-worker and make sure you look hot doing it!
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/12/13 11:56 PM
Its kind of hard to do that Shiss. For the past 4 months, he has only seen me in my winter parka...our inventory is outside. My office is now at my parents. Waiting for sunny/warm days here.
Posted By: Shiss Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/13/13 12:00 AM
I hear ya, I can't wait for warmer temps so we can ditch the dang parkas.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/13/13 07:00 PM
so... baby step or is he just a nice guy?

just journalling (didn't want to forget this):

Before working with h today, I decided to call to see if he wanted a hot chocolate? He said "no thanks, upset tummy". I went to the drive-thru, decided line was too long & headed back to work. When I got back, h decided he wanted to go pick up more inventory at home to be ready for next client. He was gone quite a while. When he returned, he had brought me back a coffee that he had made for me in a travel mug. smile

I REALLY appreciate the small things... like this. I know he cares (this confirms caring). But, he's probabably just being a nice guy.

Upside: SOLD 2 more products today, YAY!! and an appointment for tomorrow.

Tonight: Going for dinner/drinks/night at other male friends place with his new girlfriend in neighbouring town. Was planning on turning phone off till lunch time. As every Sunday seems to cause me anxiety/expectations with h. But, because of possible client appt. may have to keep it on. Or at least put it on early.
Posted By: Papa4Life Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/13/13 07:22 PM
I can relate to having a particular day causing added anxiety. For me, it's Fridays. I tried to prepare for it this week, but of course the MC session just torpedoed everything. But I guess it's good to know that we can take steps to prepare ourselves -- gird up our loins, in a manner of speaking -- and be ready to stick to the plan if things get tough. Good luck tomorrow!
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/14/13 06:05 PM
well... that didn't work. Same thing again this Sunday.. GRRRRR.
Client calls me, confirms appointment. H cannot be reached. And I cannot continue with client without h. He has keys, etc.

Finally off the phone with h. Says he spends Saturday nights drinking and stays at buddy's place. Feels Sunday mornings he should be able to shut down and not be available. Wouldn't it be nice if he discussed this new rule with me? I tried to speak calmly but, on speaker phone...sounds like we were both shouting. I said "sounds like speaker phone is causing you to sound angry". Lets discuss the new "hours" later. Client appt. soon.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/14/13 06:40 PM
Is this MLC?
I called him back, clearer reception. Explained to him that I was reacting because he is doing a 180 of his usual self on Sundays. I said I was not judging or mad and then validated that I understood he needs "down time", etc. And that I am glad to hear how he is able to "sleep" at his buddy's place.. just validating. Again I hear how he is worried about health and now more so of dying. He feels life is short. He is lonely and bored at home. Life has become very monotonous and feels that Sunday morning's he should be able to shut down. Hanging out with his buddy, is good, he enjoys his company as he is funny.
Posted By: cbtdad Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/14/13 07:35 PM
WFM, why did you feel the need to call him back?
There was no reason!
Don't do that right now.
Posted By: JuneReN Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/14/13 07:57 PM
Umm...when is your down time? As coworkers you had better set a schedule. This is such a big part of your life I think you may need a boundary or two. If you were working elsewhere ask yourself if you would be good with this. If so, great, but if not then you have to figure it out.

By your remarks, it seems you are not.
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/14/13 08:25 PM
I called back to validate. Right or wrong, I did it.

Next weekend will be different, his buddy is on vacation!

IO - yes, we need to set a schedule. But, I was under the impression that we were "OPEN" always, as part of cleaning out inventory during our peak season. I am absolutely NOT ok with this... any of this. I do not want to be in this business with him if we cannot reconcile. I hurt way too much to keep doing this to myself. My goal is to sell, sell, sell.

Client purchased today.. smile

Does anyone agree that this is part MLC for h? He is so worried about dying and mentioned that he is older than me just today. He views "50" as old and only has 20 years left to LIVE! If MLC, do I DB differently?
Posted By: JuneReN Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/14/13 09:39 PM
Congrats about the client purchase smile. Woohoo!

Nope, just keep trucking and generally, as touted on board, MLCers take their own time. Check out MLC board, has some good info. Work on you smile
Posted By: makingmagic Re: we own a biz - pt 5 - 04/15/13 11:16 PM
for those who are following, I have switched over to MLC.. I think I belong there

please follow me at:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...091#Post2339091
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