So, here's my story. Shortly Before Christmas this year, I started hearing rumors that my H of 14 years was having an affair with OW @ work. Denied it, swore on kids lives, then began to say he was "struggling with having feelings of overwhelming love for me". "Maybe we should just focus on being good parents" "doesn't know if he wants to work on us". Funny thing is, I would always get this information via email, while he was @ work! Then on 01/07/13 I found the text messages he thought he had deleted from his Blackberry confirming my suspicions. There were ILY's between the 2 of them, and Happy New Year wishes, and apparently he told her he was leaving me on New Years Eve when they were working together. He said divorce wasn't inevitable, but that he wasn't happy. Denies having physical affiair, says he loves her as a friend. Ugh! Basically no answers, no apologies, no accountability. And suddenly he rewrites history, as in he's never been happy, he's not Christian enough for me, we re a dysfunctional family, the kids will be better off. I wish you could meet our kids, definately not products of disfunction! He leaves the home that night, gone for 2 weeks. Comes home,shares bed for 2 weeks, gets up one morning says he's going to meet with his father who he's been estranged from for over 3 years, doesn't come home rest of week. Comes home next week, to say to me that he is going to be moving into one of his fathers rental homes, wants a divorce, but no lawyers, wants to be " best friends" , do it together. Leaves march 8th to live in fully furnished, fully free, house. Precedes to come home for dinner, tucks boys in every night he's no working, never talks to them about living in other house, spends weekends back at house (on couch). No talk of divorce, or papers filed or anything as of April 5 th. when he leaves the house, texts me compliments, makes my lunch for work, has brought me coffee a few times in the mornings before work, he asked me to be his assisstant coach for youth bball, and will sometimes hug me, kiss me, but cannot and will not recieve loving gestures from me. Guilt maybe? The inlaw situation compliments things as they are thrilled that he has left me, and definately are not supporting reconciliation. So here I am in limbo...not wanting to make any moves, much less the wrong one! Still no answers, no apologies, no real conversations at all! How long can limbo last? How do I play this? Do I have a chance at busting this divorce??
Any wisdoms?
Welcome to the board
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon
Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up
Hey...well welcome...
Have you gotten the books yet, DB or DR, read them...also review Sandi's list...stick with them and do them...I have failed a bunch of times and looked back and saw how many things I have actually done! Instead of not doing them.
You need to try to be the woman a foul would leave, just to get to the point of the R talks...and when he brings them up you let him talk and you don't bring them up...
You found the group and a lot of good support here!
Keep posting to yours and others and you will be off moderation soon
I've got to get the books! It's so hard trying to figure out how to GAL when I already had such a wonderful one all figured out or so I thought! Such a fun And busy time in kids lives with sports and activity, we had such a great group of family friends that are now so angry and dissappointed in him its kind of hard to be with them and be honest about my hopes for R. It really is a lonely place to be, that's why I'm grateful to be able to vent here!
He's here at night snuggled up with the Boys watching bball, how in the world do I detach from that! This was our life. Sports, the boys, hunkering down for the night....what the heck is he doing/thinking? Does he want this life or not? I feel fortunate that he's not asking to take the kids away, or for me to leave, but that's the problem too, he's not asking or saying anything!!
He's here at night snuggled up with the Boys watching bball, how in the world do I detach from that!
What does "detachment" mean to you? It's not being cold and indifferent, it's being in control of yourself. It's not reacting to every little thing your H does or says. It's pulling back and giving him space.
what the heck is he doing/thinking?
He's confused and trying to figure out what he really wants. That's why you have to remove all pressure from him. Pressure will push him away. Remove pressure and he will sort it through on his own.
Does he want this life or not?
He doesn't know. That's why he keeps coming back and testing it, he's trying to figure that out. It's going to take him months to sort it out.
I feel fortunate that he's not asking to take the kids away, or for me to leave, but that's the problem too, he's not asking or saying anything!!
Good, that's actually a good place to be. Just be satisfied with that. DO NOT pressure him with R or M talks. Just leave him be. Get DR and read it ASAP. Read Sandi's 180 tips as well (sticky at top of forum).
So, my H doesn't want to be around or interact with my parents at all! Won't even speak to them when they show up at kids functions, games etc. My parents have tried to speak hellos, they have emailed and texted him, asking him if they can be cordial for the kids sake, and he won't respond. H will come around to see the kids and I as long as my parents aren't around. I don't want to push the issue, but it's really ridiculous he is behaving! Really immature!! It's like the kids can either see him and him alone, his world is shrinking and to around him our world shrinks too. He won't interact with parents of kids friends, our mutual friends he's avoided, won't go to school functions if he can help it, his avoidance is pretty global. How long can it last like this? And should I ever address it, or just bite my tongue and vent here?
Use this thread
Sounds like he has some guilt that he does not want to deal with.
Stop expecting him to be normal, he is not.
He is not the husband you married but an alien instead.
When he returns from outer space you will know it.
And his actions will match his words.
It will be a while before that happens.
Yes you should always vent here.
So, my H doesn't want to be around or interact with my parents at all! Won't even speak to them when they show up at kids functions, games etc. My parents have tried to speak hellos, they have emailed and texted him, asking him if they can be cordial for the kids sake, and he won't respond. H will come around to see the kids and I as long as my parents aren't around. I don't want to push the issue, but it's really ridiculous he is behaving! Really immature!! It's like the kids can either see him and him alone, his world is shrinking and to around him our world shrinks too. He won't interact with parents of kids friends, our mutual friends he's avoided, won't go to school functions if he can help it, his avoidance is pretty global. How long can it last like this? And should I ever address it, or just bite my tongue and vent here?
I feel fortunate that he's not asking to take the kids away, or for me to leave, but that's the problem too, he's not asking or saying anything!!
The above, along with the "be friends" comment, is fairly scripted. If you don't know what "scripted" means, you will come to find that many of us have heard or been subjected to similar things that you have been going through, and may yet go through.
Generally speaking, we tend not to classify between WAS and MLC, because with DB, it is about working on ourselves, saving ourselves, which may help save the M.
While you may get re-writing of history, like some of us, you are getting little or no feedback which would help us understand what went wrong (in their minds) so that you migh work on the things that they felt were an issue. These things may not be valid, but at least it is feedback and something to consider. In cases where you feel they are not valid, which at least can be validated as something they (the WAS) feels, rather than defending it.
While you are still getting your feet under yourself, you might find some value out of a piece that was written in humour, but very clearly points out many of the "scripts" that can come up in these sitchs, by reading the following thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=960393&page=1
You need to detach...H is choosing to not be around family and friends. This is his choice not yours, you can not control him, I tell my H that I understand why he is making that choice, it is his choice.
Try to look at why you feel like you should say something to H about him not being around friends and family, would it bring him closer or further away to do so, is it filling your need? Most likely it is.
Kaffe...good thread I have never read it thanks for sharing...so crazy and amazing and sad at the same time...wow what gets me is that WAS's have no idea that they do follow such as script...
There is also a book called "THE SCRIPT" and it pretty much details exactly what goes on here every day!
Will they ever see it themselves? WIll they ever "break"? If their script is so typical....what is the typical duration of such a crisis? He really is alien to me.....with glimpses of familiar. I know that he is consumed with guilt and shame....which is why his world is so small.....why won't he just DEAL WITH IT???? How long can he possibly RUN AWAY FROM IT??? UGH!!!!
WOW!
Same state and same bomb drop date.....It was a bad monday night
I was thinking about writing this in "Best advice" thread-Here it is - your going to need it.
The things that will be suggested here- the good stuff- will be counter intuitive to what your heart and gut tell you to do. Your heart and soul will send your head "signals" (mine still does) when the signals are sent re-read Sandi2 rules. Dont act on impulse
Be good to you and your boys
I'm so scared to detach....I have to, I know I have to. I just get consumed with fear....right now, he's still paying the mortgage, helping with household chores, the kids,etc. I don't have any family around, and really do need help with stuff. I almost think he is waiting for me to reach my breaking point....I just want him to own this decision to D. I don't want to! I want my husband back! The one I've been with half my life, we grew up together,were the best of friends, never awkward or uncomfortable. What the heck happened to him? No answers at all. Maybe April vacation will be the opportunity for me to break away or a while and get some distance.....and maybe with me gone he will run straight to the ow. The kids and I can't stay in his orbit just to keep him out of hers. That's a pretty pathetic existance.... I don't want to be pathetic. I want to be me?
I'm leaving tonight for the night, leaving him with our boys for the first time since this all blew up! Prayers needed!! It was my idea, I need to be out of this house when he is here. He needs to be with the boys....I hope they are ok. They are a little strange with him....who wouldn't be? Step 1 detachment a night with my mom and sil, and niece, pedicures, scissors and hair dye!
. Oh yeah!
hey kiel, you ask about duration... there is no... typical duration, in any of this. Still, if you want an idea, using a broad enough data set over the time that people have been looking close at this kind of stuff, you may look at 1 to 3 years if WAS and perhaps 3 to 7 years if MLC. Yet, that is not fair to use that info as some M's never have the WAS reconsider (obviously) and someone in MLC may never "return".
On detachment, I don't have the doc or link handy, hopefully someone else can post it on your thread. You might be misunderstanding detachment. Detachment does not mean remove yourself from the M and move on. In this context, it is more about removing your emotional attachment from the words or acts of your H and possible outcomes of the sitch. We sometimes call it "getting off the emotional roller coaster". We can still stand for our M, even if we are detached.
Well, the night away went well. He really did a great job being " present" with the boys. The boys said he spoiled them, let them buy whatever they wanted at the grocery store,took them for ice cream, etc. At 11 and 9 they see it for what it is. I'm just happy they enjoyed each other. And.....I'm now a red head!
. Yup, I spent my night away cutting and coloring my hair with my mom and sil. It was fun. He texted me a few times in the evening, the boys called me before they went to sleep. I went to church the next am, and heard a message preached about the effects of sin on someone's spirit. It was like hearing an explanation of H's behavior and thought process....and it's not on me to fix. Then a kind woman, leaned over and whispered "someday, he will realize how much you loved him through this time, more than when you married him, more than your best days together, you love him enough to stand alone getting nothing in return". The rest of the day was spent at basketball tournament games, and he drove us all together, and brought us home. He even answered the home phone when a friend of mine called. It took him forever to finally leave...the boys and I are on vacation and he typically likes to leave after they are in bed. This time I had told them they could stay up to watch a 9:00 show. It was amusing watching him squirm! He kept asking me if I was mad! I said not at all! I stayed sitting in the kitchen, he must have said "we'll, alright, I'm going to head to bed" five times before he finally left. He kissed me multiple times, hugged me, none of which did I initiate or try to make more of. My question is, should I refuse them?
Ummm... how red?
Sounds like the messages you received at church were fantastic. It can be amazing, sometimes.
Sounds like things are going well enough.
As far as actually refusing good times, hugs, pleasant company... why would you? Why deny yourself that pleasure.
Enjoy the good times and forgive and detach from the negative ones. Remember that the good times are part of his history with you, as well.
Well, he wants to set aside time every week to "talk" and make a plan. ( I found copies of divorce papers in his truck ). I asked him what he was hoping the picture would look like. He said he wants me to stay in the area, he wants to be able to see the kids whenever he wants, he wants to celebrate holidays together, coach together. I asked him if he only wants to interact with me regarding the kids, and he said no. He said he enjoys hanging out with me and doing things together, but doesn't want me to always hope we will get back together. We are better at being " best friends". He keeps holding to that. When I speak up about maybe moving closer to my family, and talking to a lawyer, he says if we get lawyers involved, I will lose out, that his picture and his offers are more generous than what he's required....I just don't know about that. His divorce doesn't seem like divorce, it seems like cake eating. He wants to be a bachelor sometimes, and a family man sometimes. He has no problem with me having the boys all the time, as long as there is an open door policy. How do I handle these conversations? He keeps acknowledging that he knows I don't want a divorce, keeps asking me to admit that I hope we get back together. So far, I've just admitted to not wanting to divorce.
I just want to ask him why he wants to divorce? If he enjoys being a family, if I truly am his best friend, if ( because he still denies ow ), he has no plans to start a new life with a new person, then why the heck does he want out? But I don't want to question/ interrogate, and try to prove a point...that's what makes him crazy. What do I do?
I find it interesting that you indicate he's asking you to admit you're holding out hope for the M.
Why it is interesting is because, you are getting a lot of standard "script" stuff that WAS will say, stuff that so many of us here have heard in our own sitchs. The point is though, that while we KNOW that they tell the LBS not to have hope, and they mostly feel any R talk is pressuring, it's almost like he's goading you to pressure him.
As far as cake eating, you may want to get clear with your boundaries about what you will allow in your life and what you won't.
There are those LBS who put up very strong boundaries and say no friendship and no real communication except regarding kids and financial. Others have no problem leaving the WAS to come and go as they please. It is completely up to you on what you want to do, so long as it is because that's what you want, as opposed to punishing or trying to force your H to decide to come back to the M.
You will hear others state that the LBS should do their best to "keep the road home paved and smooth". IOW, if the WAS feels it is too difficult to return due to resentments or strong boundaries, they won't.
If you are not sure that the OW is a deal breaker for you, then focus and work on yourself to become and even more awesome catch, that only a fool would leave. You can always change your tune at a later date.
What types of things would you like to get better at in your personal life?
So, we went away with my sons basketball team this weekend. It was a group thing...went fine....not a lot of opportunity for one on one time, which was good. Took the opportunity to hang out with " the moms" from the team, and have fun! On the drive home as the boys slept, we talked a little more about "the plan" (for divorce that he says we are going to do together).... I said nothing, and asked what his plan is....I'm really starting to believe that he doesn't really have one, and the reason he wants me to do it with him, is to do it for him. Honestly, he doesn't seem to have anything figured out, except that he doesn't want to answer to anyone for any reason. Total rebellion. It's hard for me, because I AM the planner,the researcher, the problem solver, But I don't want any of this....I will be darned if he is wanting me to help him do this to me!! It's twisted!!