Here are links to my previous threads:
Hello! 20 year marriage teetering on the brink... Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part II) Retrouvaille Quick synopsis- BD was almost 9 months ago, we tried MC and working on things at home but W kept saying she didn't "want to try" both in MC and outside of MC. W moved out just under 6 months ago, lives 5 minutes away. We have 50-50 custody of the kids. We've gotten along fine throughout, continue to maintain a friendly relationship. W signed us up for RetroV and we had some good communications through it, but we only did the first two followups. Unfortunately the followups were Saturday afternoons at the exact same time as S9's basketball games and D16's drill competitions. That killed it. I temporarily thought things were turning around due to RetroV, but since then things have settled back down to how it was before RetroV.
It's been over 2 weeks since I posted the last update. W and I have not had a M, R or D discussion since just after RetroV. At that time we came to an understanding that we were both free to date others. I had decided not to get W anything for Valentine's Day, but when I got home from work that day I was surprised to find she had bought me a bag of my favorite popcorn and left it at my house. So I made her peanut butter cookies and took them to her house that evening. She had the kids that day, so I told her it was a gift for all of them. W also left 2 boxes of Girl Scout Thin Mints (my favorites) at my house about a week after that.
I don't actually see W that much these days. Since D16 has a car now W no longer comes by my house to pick S9 and D16 up after school. I see W on the weekends and sometimes once during the week if we have to swap something for the kids (homework or whatever) but that's about it. We usually take the kids out for lunch or dinner together on the weekends. It's about 50-50 as far as me inviting W or her inviting me, but I always get to pay, LOL! Usually when we part we share a hug and a kiss (smack on the lips). This is something that changed after RetroV, before that we hadn't hugged or kissed in months.
D16 was in a major drill competition this past weekend, unfortunately there was some overlap with S9's last basketball game. So W went to D16's competition all day. I went to D16's competition for the morning performances and then drove home to take S9 to his game that afternoon. S9 played great and the team won, so it was fun that they ended on a high note
D16's team totally blew it out, they won 1st place for each of their 4 routines and also won grand champions for the entire event. So awesome!! I hated that I wasn't there for the awards, but it was an hour drive and even if I left right after S9's game I would have missed the whole thing.
W and I went out to brunch between D16's morning performances. I didn't even realize until later that it's the first time we've had a meal together without the kids since... gosh, I think our anniversary 5 months ago. It was pleasant, all talk was light and fluffy.
GAL- unfortunately my support buddy who also has a WAW is working on a job out of town, so we haven't been able to hang out lately. Weather has been too darned cold to ride the motorcycles much, I basically have been going for short hops to keep the batteries charged. Still lifting weights regularly. Gardening has been spotty because of the cold/ windy weather too. D18 has been coming in nearly every weekend from college, so we've been getting out going to movies and eating out quite a bit.
I've been tapering off the anti-depressants for months and finally stepped off of them completely last week. I've had some headaches, but thankfully no crazy emotional reactions. My main desire for wanting to get off of them was for health reasons, after starting them my blood pressure (which has always been normal) shot up and my resting heart rate jumped from 60 to over 80. I told my PCP, but she swore it couldn't be the A/D's but must have been the stress and depression. Yet now that I've stopped taking them my heart rate and BP are back down to normal. I feel fine, no signs of depression or anxiety. It'll probably be a couple more weeks before I can know that I'm completely out of the woods regarding "SSRI discontinuation syndrome", but so far so good!
Updates will likely be infrequent as there's just not that much going on in my sitch, my life has reached "new normal" status and there's just not a lot of news to report
Well, that's good AS!
I can't wait for infrequent posts and "new normal"
AS, I thought I could offer you some advice for once. I have been taking SSRI's for years and have come of them cold turkey a couple of times and tapered off them. The side effects are normally only for a couple of days when you quit cold turkey; I never had any from tapering. Be aware that SSRI's can stay in your system for a couple of months, so it may take awhile before they completely wear off. I remember one time I came off them and was fine for three months and then all of a sudden I was depressed again. Not a big deal, I got a refill and started taking them again and I was fine in two weeks.
AS, I would just like to say thank you for all of your support and insight on the boards. You information to me specifically has really been helpful. Good luck in your sitch.
I remembered a couple of things I meant to post and forgot about. One is just something I might not normally mention, but it reminded me so much of the "castle" analogy that I thought I would talk about it a bit. For those not familiar with the castle analogy, here is Tumbling's version of it:
Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. The drawbridge is up and there's a moat all the way around the exterior. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.
Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat. You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).
Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peek over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.
So it's a small thing, but I had the kids (plus D18 was visiting from college) and it was a Saturday and W came by to drop something off but she brought her work laptop with her. To my surprise she just sat down in the front room next to S9 and started working while he was watching TV. I was in the living room with D18 and we were cracking up laughing and talking and just having a lot of fun together. W stayed for hours, so long that I eventually asked her if she wanted to go eat with us which she did. It wasn't until a couple of days later that it struck me how much like the castle analogy it was, she seemingly came out of the castle for a while to see what was going on at the picnic.
Another thing I wanted to mention- I was driving with S9 on a Monday after we had swapped kids (we do that on Sundays) and he was telling me about the things he had forgotten at W's house. About an hour before that D16 had also rattled off a list of things she had forgotten over there. After listening to S9 I mumbled to myself "sure would be easier if we lived under one roof" and S9 said "don't say that dad, I don't like to think about how mommy doesn't love you anymore." Ouch. I've got to remind myself that A) I really need to watch what I say even if I think it's to myself and B) the sitch is still affecting the kids emotionally.
Tallula- I really thought my IC was nuts when she started talking about "new normal", but it became my mantra after a few months. It went from a scary thing to being something that gave me hope for a new stability in life.
Hadrianus- thank you, I will keep that in mind! It's now been 6 days without A/D's and I've had no emotional problems at all, and in fact I feel fantastic! So I'm hopeful that my gradual tapering over many months did the trick
Grizz- thank you, I appreciate it!
AS, this is great analogy. Your wife’s last action seems to fit into that perfectly.
My H just called me and we had the longest conversation in 7 months. But, I don’t think he is coming out of the castle. He asked me to bring him some money, which means he is going to stay in our vacation home longer. So, I don’t have any hopes right now that anything is changing in my sitch.
That castle analogy really puts the WAW actions into perspective!
How do you handle the thought of your wife dating another man? You must be really strong to agree with this. That will be one of my biggest challenges emotionally.
Great job getting off the anti depressants. Since I have been of mine it feels like a cloud has been lifted.
A fellow biker! Spring is comming slow here in Canada and cant wait to get out on the back roads...It will be my therapy this summer.
Thanks for you advice on many of these threads, It really helps the new folks greatly.
All the best with your situation!
Hi all, it's been a couple of weeks since I updated, as many of you know once you get this many months into your sitch there's not a lot that goes on day-to-day or even week-to-week. It's now been over 9 months since BD and 6 months since W moved out, wow! So, just when I think we're throwing in the towel W seems to be showing more interest. Over Spring Break she did take the kids to the beach without inviting me, but I thought it was wonderful that she was doing that for the kids, I was genuinely happy for them! W texted me photos during the day and I called them each evening and talked to the kids and to W about what they did that day. When they returned I in turn had the kids over to my house and we had a movie/ dinner outing one evening followed by a whole day at Six Flags the next. I spent extra for the Flashpass, so we spent very little time in lines despite there being record attendance that day. It was a really beautiful day and we had a blast! Then over the next few days W invited me to dinner twice (with the kids) and to ice cream once (also with the kids). She's also been texting more often and in general is much more upbeat around me. She's hanging on longer in hugs and we're kissing on the lips when we part. I'm sticking to DB'ing and not pursuing her or building any expectations on it. We've had no discussions about D or about the R or M. All talk is light and fluffy.
I don't really view my GAL and 180 efforts as GAL/ 180 anymore, they're just part of my new life. I'm still hitting the weights consistently and still increasing in strength (just bumped my weights up again) and still gaining mass. The weather is getting nicer, so I've started my spring gardening which is always very labor intensive, but fun. S10 and D16 are keeping me busy with scouts, basketball and drill team events, but I really enjoy going to them
I've been getting my motorcycles out more and doing the spring prep on them. Still haven't gotten back into my R/C flying, now that we've had daylight savings time I can get back to flying in the evenings but it's been too windy lately.
I think it's been 3 weeks since I weaned off the antidepressants and I've had zero side effects. I feel fantastic!! It's been a huge relief to know that the A/D's weren't masking any negative feelings and making me falsely feel good, but that I have in fact recovered from the depression and anxiety I started taking them for.
AS, this is great analogy. Your wife’s last action seems to fit into that perfectly.
I've demonstrated a lot of impatience, that's the thing I have to remember is that she's going to keep ducking in and out of the castle for who-knows-how-long and I've got to resist trying to coerce her. And in the end there's no guarantees she won't go back in there to stay, so I will keep living my life and we'll see where things go.
My H just called me and we had the longest conversation in 7 months. But, I don’t think he is coming out of the castle. He asked me to bring him some money, which means he is going to stay in our vacation home longer. So, I don’t have any hopes right now that anything is changing in my sitch.
I'm not sure if you've read Denver's sitch, but his sitch is an example of just how extreme things can get and still result in reconciliation. I think at one point he was 100% convinced things were done, in fact he was referring to his W as "STBXW". So there's hope as long as you care to hold it in your heart. I had lost all hope myself not too long ago, but I'm starting to see some hope again.
How do you handle the thought of your wife dating another man? You must be really strong to agree with this. That will be one of my biggest challenges emotionally.
The frustrating thing for me was not knowing if she was with OM or wasn't. I knew there was an OM, just not how far things had gone. Even to this day I don't know for sure, but people around here kept telling me "if there's an OM at all then it's safe to say there's an A". After suffering with not knowing, I finally asked myself this- "If you were to find out definitively that W is having an A, then how would that change your approach? Is it a deal-killer? Does it change things?" I thought about it a lot and decided that I would still keep DB'ing and that it wasn't a deal killer. W and I were not virgins when we met, both of us had been in previous LTR's. So if we had been with others and yet still loved each other, why couldn't it happen again now? So at that point I just decided to assume there was an A because it was easier to accept that then to keep fretting about it.
Great job getting off the anti depressants. Since I have been of mine it feels like a cloud has been lifted.
Thank you and congrats to you too, I read a lot of SSRI forum postings before weaning and it is amazing how many people have severe struggles getting off of them! I am really excited to be done with them
A fellow biker! Spring is comming slow here in Canada and cant wait to get out on the back roads...It will be my therapy this summer.
Awesome! What do you ride? I have 4 bikes (HD Street Glide, HD Sportster, Buell Lightning, old Honda CB750). All are heavily modded. My favorite for long cruises is the Street Glide. That's the one I take out with my Harley buddies.
Thanks for you advice on many of these threads, It really helps the new folks greatly.
You're quite welcome, it's always rewarding to hear I've helped others
All the best with your situation!
Thank you!
Hi AS.
Great to read this. A real ' feel Good' post. Living your life. Like the bit about the gal/180 not being gal/180 anymore. Seems like you're doing well.
An inspiration to us newbies!!
Well done with the A/Ds too!!
AS,
I'm glad to hear you have some renewed hope. I was disappointed to hear you talk about just walking away. It's good to have you back!
Like you, I'm looking forward to warmer weather and clean, dry roads to break out my bike. I have a Ducati that I enjoy riding.
Pathfinder I am with you. I hated to hear when AS said things weren't going well and it was about time to call it quits. Once again AS you give me hope. Thanks.
LOVE LOVE LOVE the Castle analogy. How can I save it in "my stuff"
Tx for the inspiration.
Hi AS!
Very excited for you but glad you are staying focused on the big picture and are still DBing. After all the great advice you have given, and yes I do log in and read a bunch to keep my DBing going, I expected nothing less from you.
Best of luck!
You sound great!! You truly give me hope.
Thanks for the update AS, and Bust On!
Great to hear about the renewed hope AS - you really deserve the progress, especially after taking so much time out to help people around here.
I have just discontinued ADs as well. I'm only a week and a couple of days in but the worst has passed. It was a little rougher than last time I discontinued an SSRI which I could taper, as this SNRI uses a time-release coating and can't be tapered past the lowest dose of 50mg. It was a nice surprise to see that I'm largely fine without them (so far)! I do tend to have a few sad moments here and there that I didn't notice on ADs but it is nice to feel normal again.
It seems like you have even more energy for your hobbies after stopping the ADs - I have noticed this as well. Aside from starting my new job with a heap of energy and drive, I'm making music again (once upon a time I was a musician and audio engineer professionally) and have recorded 5-6 new songs in the past four days. That's more than in the past four years since I changed careers! One thing I've always hated about ADs is they make you artificially happy and in turn seem to kill drive and motivation, at least to an extent. Getting this back can't hurt us being more attractive!
My two cents on ADs (which I've taken two types of and come off of twice): check out books on cognitive behavioral therapy, such as the idiot's guide series. The knowledge in them seems more of a real, lasting, cure than the bandaid that ADs are.
Good luck making music, NLS, let it flow -
Luke
AS...nice
Seems like calmer waters and the deer feeding is coming along
We ALL have the " I am done", phases, and you either are, or you aren't. Not exactly mind blowing and stunning revelation, but true. I think it allows us to look a little deeper, past the desire to be with spouse, look at ourselves and motivations even deeper, and make that decision.
When people are really "done" I think it is because one of two things have happened:
A) The work is too damn hard, and you give up.
B) The work was hard, but you did it, and realized this is where you are.
When people are thinking of being done, it is another stage of growth, an exploration of what if, that leads to new insights if you have the strength to accept them and let go of the fear of "what if'
Just my .02, which is really .00 or .05 now in Canada...:P
AS, just checking in. Sounds like a good update that's great man but like you said, no pursuit and expectations...Goodluck AS.
Newman
My two cents on ADs (which I've taken two types of and come off of twice): check out books on cognitive behavioral therapy, such as the idiot's guide series. The knowledge in them seems more of a real, lasting, cure than the bandaid that ADs are.
My favorite book is Feeling Good. It helped me out a lot. I couldn't be on ADs cuz I was nursing (although I found out later on the board that I could've taken some mild ones...)
Keep it up AS!! Your definitely allowing her to live her life and living yours!!
Hello all, time for another biweekly update
First ,thank you all for the wonderful comments, I really appreciate the support
Next, I have a new GAL activity- Bingo! I never thought I was the Bingo "type", but I got invited along and thought "why not?" Of course I won the first time out which greatly aggravated the people I was with, LOL!
I've also been contacted by Habitat for Humanity, I've been volunteering with them and building houses, but the projects have been far from me (30 minute drive each way) which has been pretty inconvenient. They're starting a new chapter in my area though and they want to bring me in possibly as a construction coordinator. So that'll be fun!
Weather is getting very spring-like here and I've started my gardening activities too. I have a whole tiki-themed area around my pool, lots of custom pieces I commissioned a tiki artist in California to carve. Every year I have to sand all the pieces down and reseal them. Then plant some goodies in the planters around the pool and gazebo. It usually takes me a few weekends to get it all done, but it's relaxing work. The pool has a big stone waterfall and grotto with a seating area inside it, and I built a patio structure using poles and beams carved by the tiki artist. There's also a gazebo off the patio with a footbridge going over to it, the footbridge is made up of more pieces the tiki artist carved to my spec's. Then there are some free-standing tikis as well. Plus a tiki bar of course
It's a really great summer hangout, the kids like to have friends over for parties during the summer.
W and I are still getting along fine although nothing has changed in our sitch. She invited me to lunch and dinner with her and the kids two weekends ago, then last weekend she asked if we could do the easter egg hunt at my house and then we could all go to lunch which I agreed to. Our kids are getting a bit old for the egg thing, but they still like to do it so what the heck
I took some flowers over to W's and she had bought some of my favorite Easter candy.
Pathfinder2, what Ducati do you have? I love Ducatis!
LOVE LOVE LOVE the Castle analogy. How can I save it in "my stuff"
When I see something posted here that I really like, I copy it and paste it into a Word document I keep on my computer. It comes in handy for reposting in other's threads because then you don't have to go searching to find it!
nolongersure, congrats for quitting the A/D's, it sounds like you're doing fantastic!! I read so many horror stories on the 'net about the terrible problems people have suffered trying to get off of A/D's that I was very concerned about quitting them. But it's been over a month now since I took the last one and I've had no problems at all. No signs of depression or anxiety, and I've had a lot of really happy times with few down times. Actually I've been happier than I was before BD, I was so stressed out and worried so much about everything before BD but since BD I've come to realize that life isn't about everything working out perfectly because it NEVER does, so why worry? It's about taking what joy and pleasure you can out of life and not letting the bad stuff ruin it for you. The bad stuff is going to happen, we can sit around worrying about what it's going to be and how bad it will be or we can just have fun and deal with the unknown when it arrives.
Inside Out, I really like your thoughts on "being done", that makes a lot of sense
I think the lesson I learned is even when we think we are done we STILL need to give ourselves more time because we may discover in a few weeks that maybe we're not as done as we think we are.
Keep it up AS!! Your definitely allowing her to live her life and living yours!!
Thank you and that really does sum up where we are right now. We're living separate lives that do have some crossover due to the kids. I really have no idea what W is thinking or where she is in regards to our R, I don't ask and she doesn't offer. I quit talking to family (hers and mine) about our sitch (but I do talk to them about other stuff) and now it's gotten to the point that they don't even ask, LOL! So we're in limbo, but it's not a "bad" limbo where I'm constantly worrying about things, it's more a peaceful limbo where we really are separate and detached. I don't know where it's going and for now that's OK.
AS,
How's your day? Hope all is well. FYI, I've got a 1098.
Pathfinder2, that's a sweet ride
Well it's been another 2 weeks and my sitch has taken an unfortunate turn. For the first time since separation W went cold, like ice queen cold. She quit inviting me to lunch/ dinner, quit lingering at my house (and in fact seems to be avoiding coming by at all), turned down my couple of offers to have her join me and the kids for ice cream and the few kid-related texts/ emails I've sent her got a very brusque response. Activities with suspected OM have ramped up including an overnight camping trip last weekend with him and our D16 & S10. W has NEVER wanted to camp, EVER! I used to camp out a lot and go canoing, tried to get her to go several times over the years but she had no interest (we started renting cabins instead).
I called her to coordinate some things regarding S10 and at the end of the convo asked her how she was doing. Basically she said she hasn't changed her mind, she's done, she's ready to proceed with D. I asked why she had said some of the things she did at RetroV because she had said some hopeful things then including this whole scenario she wrote out regarding our future life together (cooking together, eating at the table as a family, praying before meals, etc. etc.) She said that at the time she really wanted to "want" that, but that in her heart she never did. Ever since BD she has continually expressed confusion, but in this convo for the first time she said she's not confused anymore, she's not scared of D anymore and she's happy with her new life away from me. She would like to proceed with D without involving lawyers, but she hasn't looked into it yet. She wanted me to talk to my brother because he and his X did D themselves, and I am going to do that but I'm not going to do any work on it beyond that. I didn't really validate her because her feelings about the whole thing were all positive, so there wasn't a need to validate, LOL!
I'm a little bit down over this, but nothing like BD. I fully expected this is where things were heading so it's not really a surprise. I'm not really bothered by the prospect of losing W (I've long since come to grips with that), my concerns are mainly centered around how the financial losses are going to affect the kids. We'll survive, but unfortunately it's going to be difficult supporting the kids through college now (D18 is already in college and D16 will be in a couple of years). We just became debt free last year with the intent of fully funding the kids' college educations, but now I'll have to take out a sizeable loan to pay W for her share of the home so not only am I losing the benefits of sharing costs with her but I'll be saddled with new debt as well. It's darned unfortunate, but that's my new reality so I'll deal with it.
S10 has continued to hold out hope that we would reconcile and D will completely crush him. I'm really concerned about that too.
Other than that everything is going great- we're staying busy at work, I'm still hitting the weights hard (I've missed maybe 3 or 4 workouts in 10 months), kids keep me hopping between scouts and drill team and basketball, I get the motorcycles out when I can (weather has been awesome when it's not raining), getting back into my R/C flying. I started tanning a couple of weeks ago, I've never been on a tanning bed in my life but D16 goes and gave me a referral card for 2 weeks free. I whitened my teeth a few weeks ago and between that and the weights and the tanning I have to admit I look pretty darned good
I spent last weekend starting the process of getting my landscaping back into shape (mulching, planting new flowers, trimming bushes, etc.) My house is usually party central for D16 once the pool is warm enough to swim in so I need to get everything looking good for her party season
I have been on some casual dinner dates, really hit it off with one lady and have been out with her again. Have traded a lot of texts with her as well. She's fully aware of my sitch. I know it's still possible that W could change her mind, but that seems very remote at this point. I'm not going to jump into a full-blown relationship anytime soon though.
Sorry to hear about your turn for the worst with the reconcile. At least you are more prepared this time to continue improving your live without the initial sting of a BD.
My situation has gotten worse as well. Funny I have referred to the Ice queen label for my wife over the last few weeks as well. Seeing a Mediator tomorrow.. fun fun.
Got my Suzuki DR650 going last weekend so I am ready for some on/off road adventure riding! It will definitely help with the PMA!
AS, sorry to hear that, however I am happy that your in a better place than before. I received the D papers from my wife so... the race is on so to speak. I am wrestling with how to protect me and take care of my kids and not be a jerk. LOL
I purchased a 883 low, went riding last weekend and had a blast.
Hey AS, when do we get the pool invite?
I am pretty much in the same place you are...no D talk yet, but H seems content to lead his separate life, so I have begun to lead mine. Also just decided to go on a couple of dates, but also let datees know where I stand lmao.
You sound pretty good and I like that. Course you will feel a bit down and I hope S10 comes out of this okay
I understand about the whole camping thing...GF doesn't eat gluten, dairy, food in general lol, so neither does H, when he is with her. Seriously?? THis from a guy who thought fried food was a food group? Sheesh
Hi AS - I always really appreciate your advice on my threads and feel sad that your sitch has taken a turn for the worse.
I think it's amazing how steady you are about it. You really are a DBing inspiration.
Hi AS - I always really appreciate your advice on my threads and feel sad that your sitch has taken a turn for the worse.
I think it's amazing how steady you are about it. You really are a DBing inspiration.
Ditto for me, Stander. You've got kids who love and respect you and you've got a whole forum of people who respect you and appreciate your wise council.
Heck, they should think about making you a DB counselor. You're full of good advice and inspiration and you're a role model of how to survive this hellish roller coaster ride with dignity and grace.
God bless.
AS, I am sorry to hear this man. You are one of my heroes though. You seem to be moving on with your life well and really seem to have a grasp in who you are. Even though this has to be hurting you, you have a positive outlook on things in the end.
The part where you talked about RetroV hit home with me big time.
That's where I think my W is at the moment. From things she has said it seems like she wants this to work. She has an idea what things could be like.
But her emotions are telling her differently.
AS,
I you find peace with your sitch and you continue down the road to making yourself happy. I do appreciate all of your post to me and reread them all often. I also hope that your S10 is doing well.
AS,
I am sorry to hear about this turn of events. I am so inspired by your strength and calm disposition. I too understand about the strange changes the WAS makes with the OP...things they used to have strong passion about (not liking camping) to all of a sudden being ok with it. I have seem this with my H and and his OW as well.
Anyway, thats neither here nor there I suppose. Take care of S10...this is what pains me the most in all of this...our children.
Thank you for always offering support and guidance to us all.
Sorry to hear about this, AS. As many have said, you have been a huge source of support and knowledge throughout my sitch. Mine is for sure ending in a D, but I will be great. And it's with help from people like you.
You are wonderful!
Thank you all for the wonderful support and kind feedback, I greatly appreciate it
I've been kicking this development around the last day and think I may need to try something else. MWD does say in DR to take stock of things now and then and make adjustments if required. I've been largely dim with W for quite a while, 4 or 5 months. Texts and emails have been very rare and usually centered around kid coordination, no phone calls unless it was something urgent about the kids, very little face-to-face contact which again has been centered around the kids. I think I am going to back off of the going dim stuff and reach out to W a bit and see how it goes. I'm not talking about full-on pursuit, but just send her more texts and emails in a friendly way. For example, a mutual friend of ours is buying a new Shelby (I hate him now, LOL!) and sent me some pics, so I forwarded them on to W today and also told her about S10's scout meeting last night. She replied right away and favorably which is frankly pretty unusual for her. We've since traded several nice emails today. Not reading anything into it, but I'll take it as a sign that she's not against the idea.
I'm not saying that going dim didn't work, but I am saying that maybe it has lived out it's usefulness in our case and it's time for something else.
Maritimer- sorry to hear about the mediation, my thoughts are with you!
subguy- glad you're enjoying the bike!! I took S10 out for a short ride on the Street Glide to grab dinner and you'd think he had won the Lotto! He loved it! I need to remember to take him out more!
Inside Out- DB pool party! That would be awesome, it doesn't look like much right now but by mid-summer when the banana trees are leaved out and the flowers blooming it looks pretty amazing
Plus I have a margarita machine
It's not a real big pool but there's a giant curvy slide (7' off the ground), a big stone waterfall and a grotto with a shelf over it that spills water. There's a tanning shelf with a mosaic of a shark and he has water spraying out of his mouth. Fun stuff!
Intact- I've certainly had my unsteady times
But the dips are much smaller these days than early on. Early on they were like giant chasms and now they're just little waves. Before it was hard to see anything to be thankful for, but now the bad times don't prevent me from seeing the good things all around me.
Papa4Life- "hellish roller coaster ride", LOL! Funny but unfortunately accurate too
cbtdad- I've got to constantly remind myself not to read too much into what W says, you know the DB rule about not believing anything they say. Even 10 months in I don't know that she's REALLY as convinced inside as she pretends to be outside. I don't know if you've read Mandy's sitch, but (I think it was after 8 months of S) she pretty much told her H to quit bugging her and get on with his life because she was DONE, and no sooner had she said that then she started second-guessing her decision and by the time she decided she wanted to reconcile he had moved on to another woman. I'm trying to keep all these things in mind.
jp787- thanks you, S10 is resilient but we're keeping tabs on him and asking the school nurse to do the same so we can pull him into therapy if he needs it.
bustingout- yes the children is what tears me up too, because I still remember the hurt from my parents divorcing. It has stuck with me my entire life. I don't want them to bear those scars too, but in my case my mom (WAW) basically abandoned us and thankfully my W is still quite involved with the kids, so I think it'll be easier for them than it was for me and my siblings.
Tallula- so sorry to hear you're heading for D
Thank you for the compliments though
AS, again you show amazing DB strength. I understand what you mean when you say:
I think I am going to back off of the going dim stuff and reach out to W a bit and see how it goes. I'm not talking about full-on pursuit, but just send her more texts and emails in a friendly way.
that is EXACTLY what i spoke to my coach about.
And I still remember the hurt from my parents divorce too. It has always been a a part of me. I know what you mean. Hopefully we can not let our kids know it too.
((((( )))))
Ugh I didn't until few days ago you had started this new thread after Retrouville and reading it with a smile until yesterday. I'm so sorry it's taking a worse turn.
But I love how you are not giving up just yet.
I think it's great that you are going to try new approach. I remember when I first started DB-ing I detached and tried to be mysterious but it wasn't working for my H. He seemed more distant and I felt like he was doing the same to get back at me. With an unfortunate event (his beloved grandpa passed away) involved in Feb, I completely changed. I hugged him many times a day, I let him know where I was and what time I was coming home, what I was doing with friends, hugged him every morning before he went to work. And I noticed he was so much closer. He hugged me back really tight and long.
He left anyway but he explained to me he needed to do this and I agree with him 100% that he (we) needed this separation. I'm still hoping for R down the road but I'm truly enjoying my time alone for now.
Anyway what I wanted to say is that I don't know how he left if I hadn't tweaked my DB-ing in Feb. He might have left with much different impressions of me.
DB always maintains, do what is right for your situation. You can only try and monitor the results. Since she texted back quickly, it looks good
It's only been a week, but here's a quick update. D18 turns 19 today
Good grief, one more year and she'll no longer be a teen! Yikes! D19 wants to go to Medieval Times for her bday, I traded some emails with W and asked her if it was OK to take the kids this Saturday (it's her week to have them) and I invited her along. She said it was fine and said she wanted to go and offered to split the costs. I went ahead and picked it up and told her if she covers the birthday upgrade and tip then we'll call it good, she agreed. I asked her if she wanted to have the cake and gifts at my house or hers, she said mine so we'll go there afterwards.
Weather is getting really nice here and we're taking advantage! D16, S10 and I went out to eat Saturday, then went to play some miniature golf, then went for ice cream. This is the time of year that the top stays down on my Mustang
Yesterday S10 and I went for a motorcycle ride and then caught Oblivion (pretty good movie). I also got a ton of yardwork/ landscaping done and the yard is getting whipped into shape! It's always a little depressing looking at my beautiful landscaping that I've worked on all year long getting ravaged by the winter weather, so when it starts coming to life again in the spring it really lifts my spirits
As I mentioned in the last update W is now saying she wants to proceed with D. She wanted me to get some info from my brother (he and his X did all the paperwork themselves). I did so and I sent it to her. When I sent it I did type in the following:
I’m pretty sure you know where I stand on this, but let me just say one last time that if this is what you want, then I support your decision and will sign the papers, but I still feel like we should at least give reconciliation a try. I don’t expect you to want to go back to what we had before because clearly it didn’t work for either of us. But that doesn’t mean we can’t build a new relationship and marriage that is far better than what we had before. I’m not asking you to make a commitment or move back in tomorrow or anything. I’m just asking for you to try a little, open the door to building a new relationship, and give it some time to see how it develops. I think we owe it to the kids and ourselves to at least try. But if you want to push forward with a divorce I won’t do anything to block the process.
I hope your day goes well!
The response (or really, lack of one) was what you might expect from a WAS- "thank you." No problem, I had no expectations but just wanted to maybe plant a small seed of doubt in her head that may or may not grow. That was last Thursday and I saw W a few times over the weekend and all seemed fine, no further discussion of D, and she's still reaching for hugs when we part ways.
As a side note, my brother's sitch was similar to ours as far as kids, house, ownings, investments, etc. Their D decree was almost 40 pages!!! It's not going to be easy filling all that out, if W does then I'll know she REALLY wants a D, LOL!
AS, again you show amazing DB strength. I understand what you mean when you say:
Thank you
So far the going "not quite so dim" stuff has been working great. I sent W some pics of S10 at the miniature golf course and have been trading more texts and emails with her. She's been replying back pretty enthusiastically, so I'm going to keep it up.
Ugh I didn't until few days ago you had started this new thread after Retrouville and reading it with a smile until yesterday. I'm so sorry it's taking a worse turn.
But I love how you are not giving up just yet.
Thanks, I'm still leaving the door open but I think D is pretty much inevitable at this point. I'm in a better position now than ever before to deal with D, I don't want it but I won't just survive after D, but will thrive. I know that now
He left anyway but he explained to me he needed to do this and I agree with him 100% that he (we) needed this separation. I'm still hoping for R down the road but I'm truly enjoying my time alone for now.
That's kind of how I felt too, I showed W the best H I could be before she left and even though it didn't keep her from leaving, I was more at peace with it because I knew I had done everything I could to show her my changes. So when she left, rather than wallow in misery I took advantage of "alone" time to pursue interests I didn't have time for before
Glad to hear you're doing well with that too!
DB always maintains, do what is right for your situation. You can only try and monitor the results. Since she texted back quickly, it looks good
I don't think it can stop the D, but it does seem to be helping our R and perhaps that will make D go smoothly and pave the way for a good R after D.
Thanks for updating your sitch. Its obvious why you're revered for your strength and determination. And despite everything you have going on in your life you always take the time to share your wisdom to help countless people on here
I really hope the small sees of doubt will grow in her head.
I would if I were to read the email!
my H and i went to RV as well. last year as a matter of fact..
i think it's great that you changed up your game to "not quite so dim". if what you're doing is working, do something else.
Had a nice weekend, D19 came in from college and we went to Medieval Times for her bday (all the kids and W were in attendance, plus a friend of D19's). Afterwards D19 went over to W's house (W and I planned this in advance) and I ran to the store and bought decorations and did the dining room up with streamers, balloons, banners, etc. and then called them to come over. They all came over and D19 opened her presents and we had cake. Afterwards D19 wanted to watch some shows I had been saving on the DVR for her. W hung out there a surprisingly long time, again it reminded me of the picnic analogy. W left around 10:30 along with all the kids (it was still W's week to have them) which was fine because I had to get up early to go on a ride.
The ride- one of my newer GAL activities has been to go riding (Harleys) with a group of people I met a few months ago. This time we went to a little town about 2 hours away for a German-themed festival. We took the back roads and the weather was cool in the morning, but warmed up to the perfect temperature. The festival was great- beer, food and bands
Afterwards we rode to a biker hangout for more beer (well, Dr. Pepper in my case) and food. Then we rode back home on the back roads. It was a little over 300 miles round trip and was a full day. There were 3 other bikes along and I was the only one without a wife on back, heh!
When I got home I called W to let her know I was back and that D16 and S10 could come over (we do the handoffs on Sundays). She said they were making dinner, so it would be over an hour later. They ended up getting to my house close to bedtime. S10 and I were talking and he mentioned he had gone to the driving range with suspected OM and that OM had also come back to W's house to cook dinner. He just mentioned it in passing, I didn't ask and after he mentioned it I changed the subject. W and OM sure seem to be chummy though.
BC39 thank you, that's very kind of you
stilllookingup, thank you, I really think we're headed full speed towards D though. At this point I'm thinking more about "after D" and trying to sort through whether I want to give W more time after that or not.
barely floating, the "not quite so dim" continues and W is still responding favorably, but I think things are pretty well stuck in the "friend zone" at this point. And that's fine, for the sake of the kids I'd rather that we continue on as friends if nothing else. Just makes things a lot easier.
Hey all, time for an update! First I had to share something awesome S10 came up with- sometimes he goes to the gym with me to work out. We were driving there one day and he looked over at me and he said "dude time!" I looked at him, held my fist out for a fist bump and said "right, dude time!" Since W and I don't do things together anymore and with D19 in college and D16 doing her drill team thing (and spending a lot of time with drill team friends), S10 and I have been doing more things that are just the two of us. It can be a little sad to think about how our family is rarely together anymore, but that one "dude time" comment made me see it from a totally different perspective- instead of lamenting that we're not all together why not celebrate that it's just the dudes getting some time together? I love it! So now whenever we're going to eat together, or a movie, or working out or whatever that's our new tradition- we fist bump and say "dude time!" The girls always complain when I put the top down on my car (messes up their hair), but not S10
So when we're having dude time it's ALWAYS with the top down (weather permitting). Just two dudes rockin' around in a red Mustang convertible, shades on and having a blast
W and I made the long drive to move D19 out of her dorm yesterday (W invited me along to help). I can't believe D19 is already finished with her first year of college! Unfortunately they require that the students move out of the dorm every summer even if they're moving back in the next semester. It was a madhouse because most everyone was moving out. While D19 was taking her last final, W packed up her stuff in bins and I hauled them down the 4 flights of stairs (no elevator) and onto a dolly to take on the long trek to the car. By the time D19 got back we were done, reminded me of how good W and I can be at teaming together to get things done.
S10 was sick last week and I couldn't stay home, so W stayed with him. Strangely, instead of taking him to her house she stayed with him at mine. S10 told me the two of them slept in my bed until noon. I think that's the first time W has slept in my bed since she left.
Contact with W has been pretty minimal, I still try to send her an email now and then to keep in touch and she pretty quickly replies to them, but that's usually just 2 or 3 times a week. We’ve had no additional discussions of D although that may be because S10 and D16 are still in school (she said she wasn’t going to pursue it until they’re on summer break).
D19 let it slip while W and I were having lunch with her at school that apparently W is planning another campout trip with the kids and OM this weekend. I don't know why W thinks she has to keep this stuff a secret from me, it doesn't bother me. I told her last time that I would appreciate it if she would tell me when she's taking the kids out of town just so I know where they are, but she's still not doing that. When D19 let is slip W made an excuse about not knowing what the plans were and quickly changed the subject.
I'm still going out with the woman I mentioned previously. We really get along great, but our lives are so polarized that neither of us sees how we could ever become serious. But we enjoy doing stuff together, so we're keeping it casual. She talked me into shooting pool with her a couple of nights ago, I haven't done that in over 10 years. It was fun!
That's great you are bonding with S10 through this..
I've been meaning to ask you. Didn't you mention somewhere your W wants you to ask your brother how they took care of their divorce because they did it amicably? But isn't that something your W should do if she wants to pursue D?!or does it not matter at this point?
It's been 2-1/2 weeks since an update, sure seems like longer than that! Interactions between W and I have been pretty limited and mainly centered around the kids, but I did bend the rules on that for Mother's Day. I helped the kids make some decorated pavers with their handprints in them. They also did some of those when they were little (still have them), but now that two of them are grown the bigger handprints are an interesting comparison to the older pavers. Also got W some flowers and we all went out to a nice dinner. Went by the next day and mowed W's overgrown lawn while she was at her mom's house with the kids. W did seem to appreciate it all.
As I've mentioned before I don't pry about suspected OM, but the kids usually spill the beans after he's been somewhere with them. W does something with him just about every weekend, sometimes with the kids and sometimes without. My brother and sister think they're just friends, I don't know and I don't particularly care at this point since we're so close to D anyway.
W hasn't brought up the D since my last update, but she did say she was waiting until the kids were out of school to file and that's not until next week.
On the weeks I have custody W has been sneaking the kids away from me 1-3 times a week lately. We had originally agreed to allow some flexibility on this, but I've been respecting W's time with the kids while she has been abusing the privileges in return. It came to a head yesterday when I had made plans with the kids and W suddenly showed up at lunchtime to take D16 just as I was about to take all the kids to lunch. It's a bit hard to explain, but W had called at 10 asking to take D16 shopping that morning, but D16 had worked the night before and when I woke her up and asked her, she said she wanted to sleep in. So I told W that D16 didn't want to go, she wanted to sleep. Apparently W interpreted that as meaning they would go later whereas what I thought I told her was that D16 didn't want to go. W didn't say another word again to me, she just showed up to take D16. I didn't want to have a big blowup in front of the kids, so let them go. W didn't bring D16 home until 10 pm and it turns out she had a big school project due today, so we were up until 1:30 am working on it. I get up at 5:45 am and S10 is ADHD so needs his sleep, so normally we're in bed at 10 pm. I told W last night that this needed to stop, she needs to respect my time with the kids and if she had done so I wouldn't have to be up half the night helping D16 with a project. W's response was that I shouldn't help D16, that it was her fault for not starting the project sooner. Wow. I tried to stay calm, my voice did raise a bit a couple of times but overall I kept my composure pretty well. I explained to her that if D16 had been home with me, I would have asked her -like I do every day- if she had any homework and we would have been able to tackle the project earlier in the day without screwing up bedtime. W kept trying to turn it into an argument, but I just kept reiterating that I was just asking her to respect my time with the kids like I respect hers.
W actually called this morning and apologized, said she thought about it and understood what I was asking and agreed with what I was saying. I apologized to her as well, told her that I should have waited to discuss it with her when it was a better time for both of us instead of talking about it late at night when I was tired and crabby. We both agreed to try harder at communicating with each other.
^^That^^ is a 180 for both of us, in the past neither of us would have apologized, we would have each stewed in our own righteous indignation, LOL!
In general I've got to say I've been really content/ happy in life for the last several months. On the weeks I have the kids I thoroughly enjoy doing stuff with them and on the weeks I don't have them I actually enjoy the alone time to get projects around the house done or get out for some GAL stuff. I do have plenty of alone time at the house, but I no longer feel lonely when I'm alone. I actually relish that time now whereas a few months ago it scared the heck out of me being alone. I truly am in that DB place where I am happy about my future even though I don't know if W will be part of it or not.
You used the word "content" in your post and I want to let you know that is how you come across on this MB. I respect/admire/(even envy) that, and always appreciate your perspective. Thanks for your update.
-PM
Sounds great, AS!! Isnt' it awesome when we interact so differently with our spouses, and yet can still see where we can improve.
As always, you inspire me AS!! You rock!
AS, glad to see that you reached a place where your happiness is not contingent on W. I think for many of us, it's good to see that it can be done.
My bday is approaching, and since BD was shortly after my bday it also means the 1 year anniversary of BD is also approaching. WOW, I am amazed it's been that long! I think the first couple of months after BD were the longest, most painful months of my life. But now things really feel largely "normal" again. Sure W lives somewhere else and my kids are only with me every other week, but that too feels "normal" now.
I bought myself an early present. I've mentioned before I have a Mustang GT convertible, I bought it 6 years ago. It's the only new car I've ever special-ordered. At the time it worked because W had/ has a van, but since W moved on it's been a real struggle transporting kids, buying groceries, getting landscaping supplies for the house, etc. in the Mustang. But I didn't want to get rid of it! So I started looking at older cars and ended up getting a really nice Ford Edge that's fully optioned. I got such a good deal on it that it allowed me to keep the Mustang too, yippee
The kids and I are going to Arkansas (the Ozarks) for vacation next week. This has been a family tradition for over 10 years. After W moved out, the Arkansas vacations were one of the things the kids asked about, and I told them the tradition would live on no matter what
I'm sure there will be some sadness over W not being there, but we won't be sitting around much. We spend the time hiking, kayaking and caving
PatientMan- thanks! I think "content" is not so much an emotion as a state of mind, so I try to use that to describe my attitude rather than "happy" because happiness is an emotion and as such can be fleeting. But in general I am quite happy too
Tallula, thank you, you really inspire me too
You've grown so much since signing on here, it's been amazing to watch your journey
SailingAlone, thanks! I remember coming here early in my sitch and reading people talk about the importance of coming to realize that we will be OK in life whether we live it with or without our spouse, but that just sounded completely impossible to me. I was here specifically to get my W back, that was my one and only goal and if it couldn't happen then life would not be worth living. Looking back I'm really surprised at just how codependent I was on my W and also surprised that I had absolutely no idea about it. I really thought I was my own, independent person. But I wasn't at all! I am now though, and am stronger for it. It's a shame it takes BD for us to become the people we should have been all along, but better late than never
stilllookingup- I missed your earlier question about whether I should be helping with the D, I think in general the LBS should not do anything to move the D forward, but I also believe that if it's possible to get through D peacefully then the LBS should facilitate that so no bad feelings develop over it. People who have nasty divorce battles can carry the bitterness from that for years after and it can kill any future reconciliation chances. Plus it can be traumatic for the kids too. My W has stated that she feels we can get through this without lawyers and that we can negotiate everything just between the two of us, and I agree that I think we can do that. So I will give her whatever info she requests, and I will sign the paperwork when the time comes. But I don't see that as helping move the D forward so much as just not standing in the way of it. I don't see D as the end of things, sometimes D can make the WAS finally feel free and that in turn can lead them back to the LBS. Of course it doesn't always happen like that, but sometimes it does. Crimson and his XW are an example. Anyway, I think the more peacefully we can get through the D then the better our future chances of R will be.
AS, just wanted to thank you. I'm 2-3 months into my sitch and your words help give me hope that I will one day feel "normal" again no matter what the outcome. BTW, I'm a mustang fan too. I've got a 2000 GT and a 1985 GT.
I forgot to mention, D16 got a summer job, yay
She went on one interview (at Sonic) and got hired! Proud parent moment
She's been working there a couple of weeks and already is starting to realize just how much effort is required in earning a buck. She's not going on as many shopping trips as she was when she was spending someone else's money, LOL!
I also forgot to mention that W has gotten really distant in the last few weeks. I mentioned the Mother's Day stuff which went well, since then we've had very little interaction and what we've had has been friendly but... not sure how to describe it, kind of like casual neighbors I guess. The hugging has pretty much stopped again, I can only think of one since Mother's Day and it was an awkward hug-from-the-side kind of thing with both of us patting each other, like "see ya bud", LOL! We still trade emails concerning the kids, but that's about it. It's hard to imagine us ever reconciling from here, but I've read several other sitches that were in a similar spot when suddenly the WAS started showing interest again seemingly out of the blue.
AS, just wanted to thank you. I'm 2-3 months into my sitch and your words help give me hope that I will one day feel "normal" again no matter what the outcome.
You're very welcome
I really think we need to get to that "new normal" and get comfortable with our new life there before the WAS will even think about returning. I don't think I've ever read of a WAS returning to a needy/ clingy/ desperate spouse, and even if we don't want to admit it that's what nearly all of us are for quite some time after BD. Once we get comfortable with our new life and get our confidence and PMA back, that's when the WAS might start questioning what they're doing. Kind of like the castle analogy- at first they feel cozy and safe inside those tall, cold stone walls, but eventually when they peer out the tiny slots in the ramparts and see the LBS enjoying life out on the lawn in the bright sunshine they might find they "escaped" into a prison of their own making.
BTW, I'm a mustang fan too. I've got a 2000 GT and a 1985 GT.
Sweet! When I bought mine it somehow converted both daughters into Mustang fans too, despite my suggestions that they look at Civics and the like one was drawn to an '02 Mustang convertible and the other an '07 convertible (both are V6's but nicely optioned). D16 has the '07 and it's the same color as mine. It's funny because both have tinted windows and sometimes high school kids see my car and think it's her and do crazy stuff, one kid blocked me in a drive-through lane and started revving his engine, when he finally looked over and saw me in the driver's seat instead of a high school cutie you could see the blood drain out of his face, LOL!
Hello AS! I have been following your sitch for about a almost a year now..I know that no matter how much we detach there is always going to be a bit of a sting there, but if anyone has gone into this with gusto it has been you..Am sorry to hear that W has turned recently but as you know they will be back and forth up and down many times...glade to see s10 is still doing well.
Thanks 7720
but as you know they will be back and forth up and down many times...
That's very true, it's been a tough lesson for me to learn. I've overreacted in the past in both directions to W's swings. When she swung up I tried to rush her into reconciliation and when she swung down I saw it as the end of the M. Accuray posted this a while back:
Another thing to expect is that your wife will run "hot and cold" -- she'll be nice to you one minute and the next will shut down hard. This is extremely confusing. Here's what's going on -- your wife will "try on" being nice to you to see how it feels, or if she gets comfortable may slide back into a familiar partner role. At some point she'll catch herself, will worry that you'll get the impression that everything is now "okay" when for her it is not, and will then make sure to demonstrate to you that everything is NOT okay by shutting you out and pushing you away. That's all an inner dialog so to you it just looks completely confusing. If you expect it, you'll enjoy when she warms up and won't worry too much when she goes cold.
It's tempting to get into a mode of catastrophic thinking -- that each time your wife goes cold you worry it will stay like that forever, or "oh boy, this is it, she's gone!" That leads you to panic and overreact. This is a roller coaster, and there will be very dramatic highs and lows. The best thing you can do is try to stay near an emotional baseline. If the WAS bounces between 10 feet up and 10 feet down, the LBS tends to go 25 feet up and 25 feet down in response. Your goal is to go 5 feet up and 5 feet down instead. Take the long term view. Easy to say, hard to do, but if you know what to expect things get easier.
I try to keep this in mind now and not overreact to W's swings. This latest swing down has me wondering is she's emotionally distancing to prepare herself for filing the D papers (she said she would file when school lets out, and that's this week), but of course that's just a bunch of mind-reading. So I just keep on keepin' on
The kids and I are going to Arkansas (the Ozarks) for vacation next week. This has been a family tradition for over 10 years. After W moved out, the Arkansas vacations were one of the things the kids asked about, and I told them the tradition would live on no matter what
I'm sure there will be some sadness over W not being there, but we won't be sitting around much. We spend the time hiking, kayaking and caving
^^^^Way to go AS! Keeping the family tradition alive. This sounds fun and hope you and the kids have a blast. Tell us how it went.
Hey AS nice job on that early bday gift
do it for you no sense of having someone make you happy and wait on someone get you something. I did splurge on my bday as well. Yes I remember we are the special ones who got the bomb on our bdays.
Keep on keepin on AS, you sound at peace bud!
Newman
AS, I've read many of your posts on other threads, and they have been very helpful. Thank you for posted that quote from Accuracy. The "hot and cold" was very confusing for me, but that quote really drives home how reacting to it won't help.
Hang in there. Like you said, you have seen/read sitches come back from this same spot.
I have been to the Ozarks in northern AR a few times on fishing trips. Beautiful area! Have fun.
The buffalo river in Hardy Arkansas is a lot of fun...I used to go there when I lived in that neck of the woods...
It's now been a year since BD. Reflecting back on the past year it's been a wild and crazy journey
I came to these forums broken down and in a place where I thought I had to get my W back or just give up and die. In the months since then I've learned just how far off the path I had gone during my marriage. I lost the strong, independent person I once was and became a shell of my old self, a shell that needed to be filled with validation from my W. As that validation came less and less in recent years I became increasingly confused about who I was and what I wanted from life. It took many months post- BD, but I was able to reconnect with the old me. I found purpose outside of W, I found joy outside of M, I found validation from within. So here I am a year later- physically and mentally stronger than I've been in many years, fiercely independent, taking on life with gusto, not just surviving but truly enjoying life
I won't say I'm glad I went through BD, I wouldn't wish that misery on anyone. But I do acknowledge that it triggered growth in me that I wouldn't have thought possible a year ago. A great quote from Walt Disney on adversity:
All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.My birthday was just over a week ago, W invited me out with her and the kids to dinner. Afterwards we went back to my house and she and the kids gave me some nice gifts. I really wasn't expecting anything, so it was a very pleasant surprise. One of the gifts was a set of hot chocolate mugs that W had made-to-order by a pottery artist. I was touched by the effort she went to!
This past weekend when the kids and I got back from vacation (more on that below), W invited me out with the kids for dinner for Father's Day. Again I wasn't expecting anything, especially since we weren't due back until late from vacation. But we got back earlier than expected. I didn't realize it but W was texting D16 while we were driving back to coordinate when we were getting home and how to work out dinner details. We went out to dinner and W gave me a few nice gifts including a big chocolate chip cookie with a motorcycle on it in icing, right down to the flames on the gas tank to mimic one of my Harleys! Really thoughtful of her!
Otherwise things are still best described as "neutral" between us, we don't see a lot of each other but when we do we get along well. I mentioned before that W had said she was going to proceed with filing for D when the kids got out of school, there's no update on that, she hasn't mentioned anything about it (the kids got out of school a couple of weeks ago).
^^^^Way to go AS! Keeping the family tradition alive. This sounds fun and hope you and the kids have a blast. Tell us how it went.
Thanks Newman!
Well we left last Wednesday and got back on Sunday. It was an absolute blast, it was the most fun I've had on a vacation in quite some time! I did miss having W there, but the kids and I really bonded on this trip. We went hiking, we went through some caves, we kayaked, we zip-lined and we played games every evening. And we slept really well too, LOL! We were worn out by the end of each day, we kept busy! We had never zip-lined before, that was wild! The zip-line was 1/2 mile long. The guys said we were going 50-60 mph at the bottom of it, and it felt like it! It was about 200' above the ground, so it felt very much like flying. They offer rock-climbing too, so we are already talking about doing that next time we go.
AS, I've read many of your posts on other threads, and they have been very helpful. Thank you for posted that quote from Accuracy. The "hot and cold" was very confusing for me, but that quote really drives home how reacting to it won't help.
You're welcome! It's been a helpful quote for me as well, as have several others from these forums (the castle analogy is another favorite). When I read a particularly interesting quote by someone I copy it and paste it into a document on my computer. Every once in a while I read that document for inspiration.
I have been to the Ozarks in northern AR a few times on fishing trips. Beautiful area! Have fun.
I've never tried fishing there, I need to do that some time. I've been fly fishing around here in TX before and really enjoyed it!
The buffalo river in Hardy Arkansas is a lot of fun...I used to go there when I lived in that neck of the woods...
We were further west, we kayak from Gilbert if you know where that is. It's the lower part of the Buffalo so not as challenging, I'd like to try kayaking the upper some time but S10 is a bit young and all the kids a bit inexperienced for it. The lower is still really scenic though
Oh man it wells me up. I remember when I first landed this forum I started reading everyone's threads and came across yours. I think it was just before your Retro and I was thinking wow he and his wife came a long way. Then Retro and W got confused again .. and you seemed you were done and a lot of people (including me!) kind of started attacking you "Are you sure you are done? She's still confused!"
.... I see why a lot of DBers worship you. Everyone on this board trying to be a spouse only a fool leave, well I think you already are the spouse;)
My birthday was just over a week ago, W invited me out with her and the kids to dinner. Afterwards we went back to my house and she and the kids gave me some nice gifts. I really wasn't expecting anything, so it was a very pleasant surprise. One of the gifts was a set of hot chocolate mugs that W had made-to-order by a pottery artist. I was touched by the effort she went to!
This past weekend when the kids and I got back from vacation (more on that below), W invited me out with the kids for dinner for Father's Day. Again I wasn't expecting anything, especially since we weren't due back until late from vacation. But we got back earlier than expected. I didn't realize it but W was texting D16 while we were driving back to coordinate when we were getting home and how to work out dinner details. We went out to dinner and W gave me a few nice gifts including a big chocolate chip cookie with a motorcycle on it in icing, right down to the flames on the gas tank to mimic one of my Harleys! Really thoughtful of her!
Correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't your LL gift giving and wasn't the cause of a big fight leading up to BD was something to do with it? If so this gesture must have been a very unexpected wonderful surprise for you! Made-to-order mugs and a special cookie? I'd call those very thoughtful gifts!!!
Happy belated birthday!
I always look forward to your posts. SO glad your doing well. If you could send some of your strength through the computer I would gladly take it
It's now been a year since BD. Reflecting back on the past year it's been a wild and crazy journey
I came to these forums broken down and in a place where I thought I had to get my W back or just give up and die. In the months since then I've learned just how far off the path I had gone during my marriage. I lost the strong, independent person I once was and became a shell of my old self, a shell that needed to be filled with validation from my W. As that validation came less and less in recent years I became increasingly confused about who I was and what I wanted from life. It took many months post- BD, but I was able to reconnect with the old me. I found purpose outside of W, I found joy outside of M, I found validation from within. So here I am a year later- physically and mentally stronger than I've been in many years, fiercely independent, taking on life with gusto, not just surviving but truly enjoying life
I won't say I'm glad I went through BD, I wouldn't wish that misery on anyone. But I do acknowledge that it triggered growth in me that I wouldn't have thought possible a year ago. A great quote from Walt Disney on adversity:
All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.My birthday was just over a week ago, W invited me out with her and the kids to dinner. Afterwards we went back to my house and she and the kids gave me some nice gifts. I really wasn't expecting anything, so it was a very pleasant surprise. One of the gifts was a set of hot chocolate mugs that W had made-to-order by a pottery artist. I was touched by the effort she went to!
This past weekend when the kids and I got back from vacation (more on that below), W invited me out with the kids for dinner for Father's Day. Again I wasn't expecting anything, especially since we weren't due back until late from vacation. But we got back earlier than expected. I didn't realize it but W was texting D16 while we were driving back to coordinate when we were getting home and how to work out dinner details. We went out to dinner and W gave me a few nice gifts including a big chocolate chip cookie with a motorcycle on it in icing, right down to the flames on the gas tank to mimic one of my Harleys! Really thoughtful of her!
Otherwise things are still best described as "neutral" between us, we don't see a lot of each other but when we do we get along well. I mentioned before that W had said she was going to proceed with filing for D when the kids got out of school, there's no update on that, she hasn't mentioned anything about it (the kids got out of school a couple of weeks ago).
^^^^Way to go AS! Keeping the family tradition alive. This sounds fun and hope you and the kids have a blast. Tell us how it went.
Thanks Newman!
Well we left last Wednesday and got back on Sunday. It was an absolute blast, it was the most fun I've had on a vacation in quite some time! I did miss having W there, but the kids and I really bonded on this trip. We went hiking, we went through some caves, we kayaked, we zip-lined and we played games every evening. And we slept really well too, LOL! We were worn out by the end of each day, we kept busy! We had never zip-lined before, that was wild! The zip-line was 1/2 mile long. The guys said we were going 50-60 mph at the bottom of it, and it felt like it! It was about 200' above the ground, so it felt very much like flying. They offer rock-climbing too, so we are already talking about doing that next time we go.
AS, I've read many of your posts on other threads, and they have been very helpful. Thank you for posted that quote from Accuracy. The "hot and cold" was very confusing for me, but that quote really drives home how reacting to it won't help.
You're welcome! It's been a helpful quote for me as well, as have several others from these forums (the castle analogy is another favorite). When I read a particularly interesting quote by someone I copy it and paste it into a document on my computer. Every once in a while I read that document for inspiration.
I have been to the Ozarks in northern AR a few times on fishing trips. Beautiful area! Have fun.
I've never tried fishing there, I need to do that some time. I've been fly fishing around here in TX before and really enjoyed it!
The buffalo river in Hardy Arkansas is a lot of fun...I used to go there when I lived in that neck of the woods...
We were further west, we kayak from Gilbert if you know where that is. It's the lower part of the Buffalo so not as challenging, I'd like to try kayaking the upper some time but S10 is a bit young and all the kids a bit inexperienced for it. The lower is still really scenic though
AS,
I hope you are doing well. Your posts - like this one - give me hope in a new kind of way. Thanks for all your help.
-PM
Well it's been a couple of weeks since the last post, W has still not pushed forward with D. We're still getting along fine when we see each other which is usually just once or twice a week. When we talk it's just "friendly neighbor" kind of stuff.
The biggest news I have is we added a new member to the family, a little 1 pound 2 ounce puppy
I'm still reeling from it, can't figure out how my kids talked me into it, LOL! It's kind of a long story, but I took S10, D16 and two of her friends to this monthly giant market and W ended up taking D18 and one of her friends separately. After saying "no" to the kids several times they finally managed to find a puppy I had trouble saying "no" to. I called W and she had just gotten there, so we met up to discuss the pup and so she and D18 could see it. Turns out suspected OM was with them, so there was an odd "oh you're here!" kind of moment when we met up. BTW, I still don't know what's up with S-OM, I don't push for info from W or the kids so I have no idea if there's something going on or if they really are just friends as W claimed in the past. Anyway, the kids said they would take care of the pup during it's training period, but since they're at W's house every other week I wanted to make sure she was OK with it. She gave the go-ahead so we went home with the little guy. He's a long-haired mini doxy like our other one. He's heavily dappled and has blue eyes and is totally adorable! Our other one is also a long-haired mini and they've been getting along well so far
I think it was just before your Retro and I was thinking wow he and his wife came a long way. Then Retro and W got confused again .. and you seemed you were done and a lot of people (including me!) kind of started attacking you "Are you sure you are done? She's still confused!"
Yeah, I think I was even more confused than she was, but it took me a while to figure that out. Looking back I can see I was being too pushy with her, when she opened the door a crack to reconciling I just wanted to kick the thing in or maybe blast it open with 10 pounds of plastic explosives, LOL! I overreacted and it just shut her down again. Lesson learned! Not sure there will ever be another opportunity but if there is I will let her drive the pace.
I see why a lot of DBers worship you. Everyone on this board trying to be a spouse only a fool leave, well I think you already are the spouse
I really appreciate that
But the more I DB the more I realize how much of a work-in-progress I really am
Correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't your LL gift giving and wasn't the cause of a big fight leading up to BD was something to do with it?
Good memory! Yeah, I always placed a high importance on giving and receiving gifts. When W asked me what I wanted that year I told her not to worry about it, which was a dance we performed every birthday and Christmas. Me- don't get me anything, I already have everything. Her- Oh come on, there's got to be something! Me- well I don't know, let me think. Etc. Only that time she didn't dance, she really didn't get me anything!
If so this gesture must have been a very unexpected wonderful surprise for you! Made-to-order mugs and a special cookie? I'd call those very thoughtful gifts!!!
Exactly, it was a very nice and totally unexpected gesture. I'm not assuming it means anything, but it was really kind of her!
I always look forward to your posts. SO glad your doing well. If you could send some of your strength through the computer I would gladly take it
Thank you, I do pray for you and others here for whatever that's worth
I figure even if some aren't believers then maybe they'll still get some good karma out of it
AS,
I hope you are doing well. Your posts - like this one - give me hope in a new kind of way. Thanks for all your help.
-PM
Thank you, I still hope reconciliation is in the future, but if it isn't I think I've found a place where I can be at peace with my sitch and with my W no matter what happens. It wasn't that long ago that I wouldn't have thought it possible!
Well we all know not to snoop, and yet most of us do it anyway! Honestly I haven't tried any kind of snooping for months and months, but I was logging into Facebook for the first time in who-knows-how-long and it gave me two login options. Curiousity got the better of me and I logged in as W. Apparently she's never changed her password since S. I ran across a conversation she was having with an old schoolmate who is a breast cancer survivor. W's sister just went through a double mastectomy along with chemo and radiation treatments less than a year ago, and that's how the conversation started. I'll just post W's comments, and just the ones that are pertinent:
"I live in (xxx) & Mom lives just outside of (xxx), about 90 mins away. She is plugging along like a freight train, just like your mom sounds, always busy! I'm also separated & planning to start divorce paperwork tonight. It's been tough."
"Well, the whole separation/div is my doing so I have a lot of guilt about that. I tried, but then after 20 years, I was finished walking on pins and needles, hated the example I was setting for my children by doing that so I told him I was finished. That's when he said he would try, that he would treat me better and to his credit he has but I just can't do it anymore. When our 20th anniversary was approaching I kept catching myself thinking I'd rather be dead than live another 20 years like this & then when my Sis got sick, it just depressed me to think of having him take care of me. It's sad, but now my stress is about the kids, how jumping from house to house impacts them. I do get to see them almost everyday, we live 5 mins apart for that reason. Oh, well, didn't know you were opening Pandoras Box, did you?"
"I was in a physically & emotionally abusive relationship in college. (She's talking about an ex-BF, and I did know about this, he threatened to kill her many times and held a knife to her throat a couple of times) I understand that your not supposed to be ashamed, that its not your fault, but you still don't want everyone knowing about it. I really don't think (AnotherStander) meant to be emotionally abusive, but he was so wrapped up in his own depression & denial, he didn't realize what he was causing. I think I feel bad because I built that wall between us to protect myself & now he is on antidepressants and has worked very hard to have a positive attitude & I just don't want to even try. I know it's the wrong way, but I met a man that treats me like a princess and he treats my children well. He does things with them that I always envisioned a father doing with his children. If I hadn't met him, I wouldn't have had the courage to leave & I would have kept my children in that environment forever and (AnotherStander) wouldn't be better like he is today. I feel like I am a very bad person for not going back & trying again. My girls keep asking when I'm going to get divorced. They see the changes in him too, but its not enough of a change that they are wanting me to go back to him. He is a very strong personality & I am not. I think we would end up where we were before, only next time, I might be too old to leave. I had my tissue samples this morning and the way the doctor is talking, it looks like cancer to her, but she said it doesn't look like it is as big as my sisters tumor. Will get results tomorrow. Love you!"
"It is cancer. Next is MRI on July 3."
Lots of info there, some rewriting of history, a revelation that "suspected" OM really is OM, but the most alarming piece of info is that W has breast cancer and hasn't told anyone. I talked to her sister a few times when she was going through it and it was brutal. I of course want to help W in whatever way I can, based on the above she doesn't want me involved but that may change now that it's confirmed. I'm not going to say anything until she tells me though, but at least now I can think about what to say to her so I am prepared when she does tell me.
Wow AS. I am sorry to hear about your wife's breast cancer news. I really hope that she recovers quickly as possible.
And I am sorry for you to have read that exchange. It must have been painful to read or did you already know those thoughts and feelings ( besides the confirmation of OM) ? Either way it must have been hard to read. How are you doing?
((((( )))))
oh my god.. I am so sorry to hear your W's news about cancer and OM. That must have been a lot to take at one time.
Just a technical info - FB keeps log in activities in case you don't know. It'll show the locations and the time of log in. You can end the activity Under Security settings > Active sessions
I hope you are okay. Hugs from me too.
Damn, thats harsh on so many different levels.
I can't imagine the conflicting emotions you must be dealing with.
I am deeply sorry that you know all this now, & it was a lot if new info.
I pray your wife beats the cancer! I hope she turns to you in this crisis, she doesn't realize what a powerful source of strength & help & comfort she is turning away from at a time when she really will need that!!
AS, difficult to find out about her cancer this way. I hope things work out for your W.
Sometimes snooping is useful, to see where your W is mentally. The downside is its affect on your PMA, GAL, and 180's. The fact that she does not proceed with D says that she is still undecided. However, it seems that as long as the OM is in the picture, then reconciliation will not happen either.
Also, I think it worthwhile to remember that you W might be "trying out ideas/feelings" on her friend, and everything she writes is not necessarily how she feels.
Once she tells you, you need to support her. My guess is that 20 years counts for something and she will welcome both emotional and other types of support.
Good luck.
Thank you all for the support, it's very welcome and needed! I'm sure my W's head is spinning right now, I know mine is too!
And I am sorry for you to have read that exchange. It must have been painful to read or did you already know those thoughts and feelings ( besides the confirmation of OM) ?
I did know some of that as we discussed it during RetroV. But the one thing she's always held fast on is that OM was just a friend. I suspected he was more than that but didn't know for sure until now. It was a jolt to read it in black-and-white, but I've suspected it for a long time and as most of the vets around here say, if you suspect it then it's probably true.
Upset over the cancer revelation. I want to reach out to W. She's been scared of this for years, she's had a couple of false positive tests before that freaked her out.
Just a technical info - FB keeps log in activities in case you don't know. It'll show the locations and the time of log in. You can end the activity Under Security settings > Active sessions
Thank you, I didn't know that. W probably doesn't either, she's not very technically oriented! She hardly ever gets on FB either, once a month maybe.
I pray your wife beats the cancer! I hope she turns to you in this crisis, she doesn't realize what a powerful source of strength & help & comfort she is turning away from at a time when she really will need that!!
Thank you, that's very kind
I will keep everyone posted as things progress.
The downside is its affect on your PMA, GAL, and 180's. The fact that she does not proceed with D says that she is still undecided. However, it seems that as long as the OM is in the picture, then reconciliation will not happen either.
I have to admit that I'm having to fight the "well that's it, it's all over" attitude that washed over me after she backpeddled just after RetroV. It seems clear that she's nowhere close to changing her mind. She's been saying that "I don't want to try" thing since BD. I've heard it in MC, I've heard it in the car, I've heard it in bed, I heard it after RetroV, geesh, I think I've heard it almost everywhere now that I think about it. But, that doesn't mean she won't change her mind again later. I think the chances are pretty small, but who knows, stranger things have happened.
Also, I think it worthwhile to remember that you W might be "trying out ideas/feelings" on her friend, and everything she writes is not necessarily how she feels.
Very good point.
Once she tells you, you need to support her. My guess is that 20 years counts for something and she will welcome both emotional and other types of support.
Thank you, that's the plan. I will offer her unconditional support. Not "I'll help you if OM isn't around" or "I'll help you as long as you do this or that" but "I am here for you no matter what time of day or night, I want to help however I can." Obviously DB'ing and "going dim" is going to be set aside, my focus is on helping her through and past this, the marriage is not a concern for me right now.
That's a tough spot to be in AS, I'm sorry to hear about the cancer. I pray she will get through this health crisis with flying colors. How are you doing??
Of course he's treating her like a princess and doing things with the kids that she always envisioned a father doing... duh!! He did not have to raise them and discipline them, teach them and care for them. Wait until those rose colored glasses get a little dirty.
In the messages you read, did she imply or say that OM knows about her cancer?
Of course he's treating her like a princess and doing things with the kids that she always envisioned a father doing... duh!! He did not have to raise them and discipline them, teach them and care for them. Wait until those rose colored glasses get a little dirty.
LOL! Too true. I'm really puzzled by that comment because she's always told me I'm a great father. Not sure where OM was when I cut each of the umbilical cords, when I remodeled our first house to make room for another baby, when I hiked through Arkansas each year carrying the kids in my arms or on my back when they got tired, when I was coaching soccer, when I was attending every single sporting event, school awards presentation, marching band event, out-of-town contest and drill team competetion each of the kids ever had, when I was going to basketball practices and scout meetings, when I was flying kites with the kids and taking them to painting classes and taking them for motorcycle rides and taking them and their friends to movies, when I took them to the park to fly kites and R/C planes, when I trained D16 at the gym when she decided to try out powerlifting, when I helped D16 install a new stereo in her car then a week later helped D18 install one in hers, when I took them to Six Flags, etc. etc. etc. Maybe my memory is getting fuzzy, but I just don't remember looking up at ANY of those times and seeing OM's beaming, happy face, LOL! As far as I know the only thing OM has done is take S10 to a golf driving range several times (I hate golf, but I'd do it if S10 asked me to) and take them all to a drive-in movie. Maybe someday the fog will lift and W will remember. But for now this is the way she sees things and I just have to suck it up, and just complain about it here, so thanks for listening
In the messages you read, did she imply or say that OM knows about her cancer?
I posted everything she said regarding the cancer, I couldn't really tell from reading it if she's told him or not. I would guess that she hasn't, because she has always been really private about things. She holds everything inside and then it just all comes pouring out at once. So she'll probably keep it bottled up a while and then just tell everyone at the same time.
AS: That is a lot to deal with at once. It sounds like you have a pretty good plan. I would be the same, the gloves would come off and I wouldn't care about anything regarding the R or those outside influences. If it's possible and she let's you ... just be there for her.
AS....I am so sad to hear of W's cancer. It has to be hard for you. I am sending you strength and will be thinking of you
Sorry to hear what your going through AS it must be hard.
When you mentioned cutting the umbilical chord that really struck a chord with me.
I do think in her message when she says
He does things with them that I always envisioned a father doing with his children
It comes across as her trying to justify her position more than anything else.
AS,
I just want to offer thoughts and support
I hope the best for your W and agree totally on the part where you state that this is about being there for her!
F
[quote=AnotherStander]Thank you all for the support, it's very welcome and needed! I'm sure my W's head is spinning right now, I know mine is too!
[quote]
I will offer her unconditional support. Not "I'll help you if OM isn't around" or "I'll help you as long as you do this or that" but "I am here for you no matter what time of day or night, I want to help however I can." Obviously DB'ing and "going dim" is going be set aside, my focus is on helping her through and past this, the marriage is not a concern for me right now. [/quote]
This speaks volumes as to the kind of person you are!! All things aside, she should be glad for someone like you in her life. Sadly, having watched my mother succumb to lung cancer, I can say you are EXACTLY the kind of person
she will find herself lucky to have. She'll realize it, eventually. And be appreciative. I hope she eventually realizes this & expresses it to you.
I sincerely do wish her the very best possible outcome!!
You know the ride you're in for, and the separation was nothing in camparison.
Stay strong, you have quite the suport system here to help you work through the brutal emotions you're likely to face.
I will offer her unconditional support. Not "I'll help you if OM isn't around" or "I'll help you as long as you do this or that" but "I am here for you no matter what time of day or night, I want to help however I can." Obviously DB'ing and "going dim" is going be set aside, my focus is on helping her through and past this, the marriage is not a concern for me right now.
Busting reminded me that love is unconditional. Just don't put yourself, AS, in the position of expectation.
It is not going to be an easy road for you, but we will keep you company, if you'd like <3
Ruby
AS we are here for you for sure. Keep venting here. It's so much to take in. I hope your wife opens up to you soon. I agree about being there for her through this no matter what --- keep yourself protected as well though as it will be a scary time for all. (((())))
Awww...... Man, AS I am sorry to hear that news...I always thought of our situations very similar...except you are the cool guy at the party everybody is happy to see:/ Our situations started about the same time, today I am at my 1 year of separation. In my darkest days you gave me a lot of encouragement and It really helped me out. My w also has OM who she still says is just friends usually after a couple of months they come clean but ours are not...that is a shame, I think....I wonder how OM feels not to be acknowledged? If I was OM I would feel like man she needs to tell the truth unless he is not that into the relation.
I do a lot of spying compared to you....I am a regular Colombo but I have not found out anything...Where do we go from here?
Sometimes I think about starting a new relationship and get excited about that kind of stuff but finding someone I can spend the next 30 or 40 years with seems daunting....not to be cynical but does your W really think she found the M of her dreams? He is not tested at all. All you can do is your best and I think
you have..
These findings are a blow. If anybody can take it and deal with it properly it's you. All the best.
That's quite a double-whammy AS! And it seems like you are taking it with your usual grace. It has been said before, but you're quite the inspiration. I think I can handle, to some extent or another, just about anything thrown at me at this point; even though my ambivalence faded and I know now I'd like W back, I don't mind if it never happens -- but any comment that indicated OM was better for my kids in any way, or even played some sort of father figure role, well... that story would probably end with me in prison a few hours later.
Very sorry to hear about your W's cancer. I hope that it can be treated effectively, but since this terrible thing is already there, I hope that some good comes out of it -- like drawing you two closer together.
Oh, AS. I am so sorry to hear of all this. You are an amazing person, father and husband. We all know this. I will keep you and yours in my prayers!
AS-
First sorry to hear about your W health, that is tough and sounds like it is being seen early enough to deal with.
Second, What she wrote sounds honest and I say that as a lot of it is very close and even identical in parts to how my W feels. Snooping has caused me to loose weight, age rapidly, become nauseous and see truth that I would have never have seen other wise. Some amazing insight there. As I have been told, what they think can always change. About OM, yeah that always just hurts.
Keep on being the new you AS. I see opportunity and hope still.
Dang AS, sorry to hear about the latest in your sitch. Keep us posted and stay strong.
Newman
Sorry to hear about it AS, hope you will stay strong for you and your family.
Thanks again for all the kind thoughts, wishes and comments, you guys are awesome
((((((Hugs all the way around)))))) I can only hope that W finds support that's half as good as y'all!
I made an excuse to go by W's yesterday at around 8 pm (S10 left his security blanket at my house and slept without it the night before). I texted her that I would be dropping by. We usually talk a bit so I was just trying to get myself in front of her in case she was ready to talk about it, but she had not even gotten home from work. OM lives by her office and she takes her dog to OM's every day and then picks her up from OM's after work, so that made me wonder if she was telling OM and seeking support but I heard all the voices here reminding me not to mind-read and put a quick stop to that, LOL! So as of now I still don't "know". According to the message she sent her friend she is having an MRI done today. I hope it goes well.
I do think in her message when she says
He does things with them that I always envisioned a father doing with his children
It comes across as her trying to justify her position more than anything else.
You could very well be right, the friend of hers is involved in a shelter for battered women and while I didn't post the woman's responses to my W they were the kind of stuff you might expect- telling my W she's doing the right thing leaving me and that she needs to be strong, etc. I think my W was just playing into the woman's expectation that I'm a poor husband and father and that there's only one side to the story. It's also interesting that W used to say she had been walking on pins and needles for months, then it became years, then in that convo it was suddenly the whole 20 years of our M. I just have to remind myself it's not the real her saying these things, but it's the version of her that is living in a fog of rewritten history that's all negatively focused.
This speaks volumes as to the kind of person you are!! All things aside, she should be glad for someone like you in her life. Sadly, having watched my mother succumb to lung cancer, I can say you are EXACTLY the kind of person
she will find herself lucky to have. She'll realize it, eventually. And be appreciative. I hope she eventually realizes this & expresses it to you.
Thank you, that's very kind although I'm the first to admit I'm not the saint I would like to be! I'm sorry about your mother, that's terrible
My grandmother died of breast cancer (I spent time with her throughout and was at her side when she passed) and my father went through surgery, chemo and radiation treatments for throat cancer (and survived it), so I've had more first-hand experience with cancer than I'd want. W's sister is several states away, so while W has heard what her sister went through, she didn't see it first-hand like I have. So I'm not sure she knows what she's about to go through.
Speaking of my grandmother, this is probably the only medical advice you'll ever hear me dispense here- TAKE LUMPS SERIOUSLY!! My grandmother just kept ignoring it, didn't want to go to the doctor. By the time she did it was too late, something that would have been treatable early on was terminal.
Busting reminded me that love is unconditional. Just don't put yourself, AS, in the position of expectation.
Thanks for the reminder! I really don't have any expectations that this will improve our M. I thought about what I will tell her when she gives me the news and it's going to be something along the lines of "I want to help you however I can. I don't want you to feel awkward about it, just think of me as an old friend who wants to be there for you. I live 5 minutes away so can be there quickly, I want you to take advantage of that. If you need me to keep the kids more, or get groceries for you, or do laundry, or pick up prescriptions, or help you change dressings, whatever you need just let me know."
I agree about being there for her through this no matter what --- keep yourself protected as well though as it will be a scary time for all. (((())))
Thanks, good advice!! I do need to keep myself protected and be mindful of the poor state of our M, and that this isn't likely to change it.
Awww...... Man, AS I am sorry to hear that news...I always thought of our situations very similar...except you are the cool guy at the party everybody is happy to see
LOL! That reminds me, I thought it was interesting that my W mentioned to her friend my "strong" personality versus her weak one as being a problem. She always said before that it was one of my strengths to her and to the family, that I was strong and bold and compensated for her inadequacies in that area. Now suddenly it's a detriment and the reason she doesn't want to reconcile, because "we would end up where we were before". -sigh- Does anyone know how to do a 180 from being a strong personality? LOL! No I'm kidding, I don't want to change that
Our situations started about the same time, today I am at my 1 year of separation. In my darkest days you gave me a lot of encouragement and It really helped me out.
So sorry to hear of your "anniversary"
But glad to hear I've helped
I wonder how OM feels not to be acknowledged? If I was OM I would feel like man she needs to tell the truth unless he is not that into the relation.
WOW!!! You know, I never even thought about that. You're right, I bet it feels lousy to be the "secret" that she doesn't want anyone to know about, especially to this particular guy. Interesting thought.
but any comment that indicated OM was better for my kids in any way, or even played some sort of father figure role, well... that story would probably end with me in prison a few hours later.
I hear you, and what irks me the most is knowing that she has probably told EVERYONE that same line. As if we haven't already gone through enough, we have to endure our WASs dragging our name through the mud too. But all we can do is show others the real us and let them judge for themselves. I am 100% confident that anyone could watch me spend 5 minutes with my kids versus OM spending 5 minutes with them and instantly grasp the reality of who their father is versus some uncle-type figure that takes them to do something now and then.
Thanks again for all the well wishes! I will keep everyone posted.
First sorry to hear about your W health, that is tough and sounds like it is being seen early enough to deal with.
Thank you! There is a lot of breast cancer history in W's family, so even before her sister was diagnosed she was going for regular screenings. Twice before now those screenings resulted in biopsies. So she's taken it very seriously and I'm confident that it was caught early. Unfortunately due to the family history I'm sure a lumpectomy is not in the picture, she will no doubt be looking at a double mastectomy along with chemo and radiation. I'm sure she will be cured, but she is going to go through complete and utter hell first.
What she wrote sounds honest
I agree, it's inaccurate but it is what she feels right now. If she ever says those things to me I will just validate her feelings even though I totally disagree with it.
Dang AS, sorry to hear about the latest in your sitch. Keep us posted and stay strong.
I will, thank you
AS, sorry to hear the news. Praying for your wife and for strength for you andnyour children as your family goes through this.
AS, sorry for the bad news about your W. Hope your W recovers soon and know you are role model for willing to stand by her after discovering about her feelings and the up and down.
AS, I'm very sorry to hear about your W's cancer and the existence of the OM.
I suggest you read "Dying to be Me" by Anita Moorjani. It's a life-changing book and it will introduce you to a new dimension about a disease such as cancer.
Thank you for support during the tough times in my life. I wish you the best.
AS, so sorry to hear about your W’s health. This could change your sitch significantly. You need to be prepared. This is going to be tough for your W and everybody around.
Sorry to hear about your wife, AS. I will echo to keep your expectations of what this will do to your M at a minimum. I think being there and being supportive and loving unconditionally is the best that you can do for her right now.
I've lived through 4 surgical procedures between December and March with my H, including heart surgery. I also had to take him to the ER in the middle of the night. I saw the fear of death in his eyes. I stayed by his side at the hospitals locally and visited when he was out of town. After all of that, I felt like we were getting closer.
Then in April, he found a reason to get mad again and made a remark that indicated that he had started to soften through those 4 months. So, I'm back to square one.
I had a lot of people tell me that H would re-think life, and maybe he did, I don't know.
I've had to remind myself to love unconditionally so that I don't feel used through all of this.
AS, so sorry to hear the news re: W's health and the message.....
Not much else to say that hasn't already been said. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
Many here have benefitted from you sharing your story and commenting on theirs...
Stay strong!
lovethehub, Bel123, tori2012, BrightFuture, hopefulinga, and SemperFi00, thank you so much for the support, y'all are awesome
I saw W a couple of times yesterday. The first time was at 1:00 PM when I went over to pick up S10 to go buy fireworks. She looked as spent as I've seen her look in ages. I mentioned to her that she looked tired and asked her if she was feeling OK. She said she had just gotten up (at 1 PM!!) and didn't have any makeup on and that's why she looked tired. I just nodded, although I've seen her many, many times without makeup and that's not why she looked that way. It's probably not the cancer itself, but rather the stress from worrying about it. I wish she'd open up to people instead of keeping stuff like that bottled up inside, but that's the way she has ALWAYS been and is possibly the biggest reason our M is in tatters. She simply will not communicate her emotions to others. Anyway, S10 and I went and bought the fireworks (it's still legal to shoot them off in yards in our area) and I took him back to W's, I told her we would shoot them off after D16 got off work and that W was welcome to come over as well. She came over around 8:30 and dropped off S10, but didn't stay. Said she was too tired, and boy did she ever look dog-tired. I just thanked her for dropping him off and saw her out to her car. I obviously can't say much to her since I still don't officially "know".
D16 and D18 came over shortly after and (along with S10 and a couple of his friends) we shot off 250 bucks worth of fireworks. It was quite a display! I let S10 help light some of them (used a long punk to make sure he was safe, and I was right there with him) and he really loved that! They stayed until 1 am watching a few shows and then headed back to W's house. Unfortunately I had to work today, and morning came particularly early today, LOL!
Tori, thanks for the book suggestion!
I've lived through 4 surgical procedures between December and March with my H, including heart surgery.
So sorry to hear that! OVer the past few years I've been through a lot with my dad, he's had quintuple bypass surgury, a pacemaker, chemo and radiation for throat cancer and several hernia surguries. He's aged 20 years in the past few. He's also had that "fear of death" in his eyes that you described, I've never seen him so scared. He used to be a strong, confident figure and is now just a mess. He used to say he welcomed death due to his beliefs, but once he really faced it he suddenly learned to fear it more than anything. It's tough to see loved ones go through this. Some people emerge stronger than before, and others just fall apart.
I had a lot of people tell me that H would re-think life, and maybe he did, I don't know.
I don't see this leading W to any kind of revelation that she wants our M again, and I'm not expecting that. But that's fine, I want to help her because I think she's a great person, not because I want the M back.
I've had to remind myself to love unconditionally so that I don't feel used through all of this.
Excellent advice!
Hope you W gets better! She is going through alot.
Finding that email would have destroyed me. There were some key words in there that was brought up in my situation as well. Made me reflect on how she feels about my behavior over the past year.
You are one strong dude!
W came by Saturday to pick up some stuff for D16. She did tell me about the cancer diagnosis while there. I gave her a big hug and told her how sorry I was to hear this. She said she has not told any family, not even her mother or sister. She has not told our kids either, she wanted to wait until she talks to the surgeon because she figured it would be easier on the kids to tell them what the treatment plan is at the same time as disclosing the news to them. Right now she thinks a lumpectomy might be a viable option. She said it's early enough that they think radiation will not be required, just chemo. I did tell her basically what I said I would in the earlier post- that I want to help in whatever way I can and to think of me as a friend that lives nearby that can help anytime day or night, even if it's "gross" stuff! She did say she appreciated it and said she would no doubt need help, but mainly she was expecting she would need me to have the kids more often which I of course told her was no problem. She did seem in good spirits and said she's not freaking out about it, at least not yet.
She's also "coming out of the closet" more with OM. She told me he invited her to California with him (some kind of work training thing) and asked her if there was anything she wanted to do while there and she said zip-lining, so he is setting that up for them to do while there. She said she did not tell the kids she's going and doesn't plan to. I was strangely ambivalent about this disclosure, I just nodded and told her it sounded like fun. It felt like my neighbor was telling me, not my soon-to-be-ex. It didn't bother me at all. Afterwards I thought about that- why it didn't bother me. I think it's because I really have surrendered all hope that we will ever reconcile, and I've found peace with that. It really is over. I think we'll always maintain a friendship but the M will be over soon and will never return. And that's OK. I still think she's a great person and I wish the best for her.
Finding that email would have destroyed me. There were some key words in there that was brought up in my situation as well. Made me reflect on how she feels about my behavior over the past year.
Well just try to remember when you see/ hear stuff like that that while there may be some truth in it, a lot of it is just WAS rewriting of history. Just ask yourself if you've become the best person you can be, and if you have then that's what really matters. At least my W does admit to me and others that I've changed and the real problem is that she doesn't want to try, so I am content that I did everything I could do to save the M. I just hope that everyone here can get to this same place, where you know your life will be great whether you continue it with your spouse or without them!
I feel for you AS. You really are a very strong person. I will have to go back and read all of your threads, I am sure I can learn a lot.
lovethehub, thank you
W came by the house yesterday evening to tell the kids. She was in meetings all day yesterday with the surgeon and with doctors and counselors. She is scheduling the surgury for about 2 weeks out. In the meantime she is getting the BRCA test done. For those that don't know, it's a test to determine if the woman has the breast cancer mutation gene, if it is present the chances are high of a recurrence of breast cancer in the future. W has decided to have a double mastectomy and hysterectomy if she tests positive. If negative, she is going to proceed with a lumpectomy instead. Either way she will have to do chemo, and probably radiation.
The kids seemed to take it fine, they asked several questions and W was well-prepared with her responses since she had just talked to the surgeon. S10 really didn't seem to understand, but D16 and D18 know what their aunt went through so they know what's ahead.
W brought a cake by, it was a really cool 4th of July cake she had made that looked like a flag when sliced open. Very creative! We all had some of it and then she left 1/4 of it for us to eat later. After she left I took a shower and came out to find my mini dachsund up on the table with her face buried in the cake, LOL! She appeared to really enjoy it!
Hahah, dogs!!
Wow, so much in the past few posts, AS. It's wonderful that you have peace in the end of your M and that you and your wife will have a friendship. You truly are a DB sucess story!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just catching up on your sitch, AS. Wow!!! a whole lot on your table right now. You seem to be handling it so well. I can't imagine how difficult that must be for her, and for you as well. I recently got some news about my W having some medical issues as well. My thoughts go out to you and your family.
I am sorry (and happy) that you are starting to feel at peace with your marriage. I am slowly getting there myself, but still have a rough road ahead. I get some of those same feelings you have in regards to being almost numb when the thought of your wife with OM comes into the equation. I just found out recently that my W is in a full blown realtionship. It makes me sad, but the anger isn't really there anymore. It feels so surreal, but I am starting to accept that our marriage is not going to be salvagable. I never thought in a million years that I would want to be friends with my wife, after OM was in the picture. But like you, I am starting to see that my love and concern for her is unconditional. I really care for my W, in much the same way you you do for yours. Actually, our sitches have a TON of similarities. the list is long. You are an inspiration to me, AS. I have a wealth of admiration for you. Stay strong and keep up the good work!
Sorry to hear about your W,
I have a couple friends who have had cancer and gone on to beat it. In fact, one of them was given a less than 10 percent chance of making it through, but he did.
I read somewhere that one of the things that brings couples back after a divorce is a tramatic event or illness in the immediate family and by no means would anyone wish this upon your W or anyone close to you, it may be a chance for you to be exactly who she needs right now.
I don't know your beliefs in God, but it might be his way of saying "ok buddy, i will look out for her from up here, but this is your chance to look out for her from down there."
Help her beat it Stander, I know you can be there for her in ways you may not seem possible. Do all the things for her she needs, just like you said you would.
Do you honestly think OM is going to be there for her when things are at their darkest?
This may be your opportunity to shine for her, and i guarantee you that she will notice and remember just who was there for her after she beats this. It will not go unnoticed and you can be the man she is looking for all along.
Good luck and take care.
Do you honestly think OM is going to be there for her when things are at their darkest?
This was my thought exactly when I first heard from you about W's cancer. That's why I asked earlier if you knew she had already told OM or not. It might not make a difference as to how you feel about their R but I just hope OM is as good as you thought he was if they are going to go through this together. If I remember correctly OM was much younger than your W. I know age shouldn't matter when it comes to relationships but I can't help but to wonder if he's prepared to go through what your W is about to go through.
Hi AS,
I've seen you post on several other people's threads on here so I thought I would check out your story. All I can say is, wow, you are a very strong person! I am very sorry to hear about your W's cancer and confirmation of the OM. That had to sting. You are a really good person for being there for her during all this and remaining friendly even after everything that has happened. Sending you and your family good vibes and best of luck!
Hahah, dogs!!
Wow, so much in the past few posts, AS. It's wonderful that you have peace in the end of your M and that you and your wife will have a friendship. You truly are a DB sucess story!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is really unusual behavior for my dog, she must have REALLY wanted that cake!! And thanks
SP, thank you for the thoughts and I'm sorry to hear your W is going through difficulties too!
I never thought in a million years that I would want to be friends with my wife, after OM was in the picture. But like you, I am starting to see that my love and concern for her is unconditional.
Awesome, that's fantastic to hear! When you get yourself to a place where you can be friends with W whether OM is in the picture or not and OM doesn't affect your PMA then you're well down the path of healing.
Actually, our sitches have a TON of similarities. the list is long. You are an inspiration to me, AS. I have a wealth of admiration for you.
We've walked the same road for sure
And thank you for the kind comments
I don't know your beliefs in God, but it might be his way of saying "ok buddy, i will look out for her from up here, but this is your chance to look out for her from down there."
I'm definitely a believer although I've quit trying to figure out why he lays such difficult challenges in front of me. I've learned through these forums not to mind-read my W, and I've learned from my sitch not to mind-read God
Do you honestly think OM is going to be there for her when things are at their darkest?
He's a really nice guy and is the type that will do anything for anyone, so yeah, I think he will be there for her throughout. But in what capacity? The thing I don't understand about OM is he is young (35 or so) and he LOVES children. He's divorced from a WAW, they had no kids. I thought for sure he would just remain friends with W since she can't have children anymore. Yet here they are. I really don't get it. My W has a pretty face, but she's gained a lot of weight since our S and she wasn't tiny to start with. She's about to turn 50 and her age is really starting to show. She also has arthritis. And bless her heart, she is going to come out of these treatments looking much older. So I am sure OM will support her throughout, but as a lover? I have my doubts.
This may be your opportunity to shine for her, and i guarantee you that she will notice and remember just who was there for her after she beats this. It will not go unnoticed and you can be the man she is looking for all along.
Thank you for the advice, and I do plan to do exactly this. But I'm not doing it with the expectations that there will be a loving reconciliation at the end, I don't think it will happen. It doesn't matter though, I love her as a friend and as the mother of my kids and will do anything for her.
That's why I asked earlier if you knew she had already told OM or not.
She did tell him, and told him before me. Because when she told me, she also said that OM had asked her if there was anything he could do for her (I think I mentioned the zipline thing).
If I remember correctly OM was much younger than your W. I know age shouldn't matter when it comes to relationships but I can't help but to wonder if he's prepared to go through what your W is about to go through.
I have no idea. I've been through it several times and it totally transforms the people that go through it. They come out of it with major battle scars. If you love someone unconditionally you stay by them at such times and afterwards, and you see their beauty throughout, even if they are flat-chested and have no hair. OM himself may not even know if he can handle this. I guess he'll find out.
All I can say is, wow, you are a very strong person!
Thank you
Sometimes I don't feel so strong, I want everyone to know that because I don't want people to read my sitch and think "why can't I be like this?" The answer is you CAN and you WILL! I'm not some model of perfection, I'm no different than anyone else. If I can get here I have full confidence that anyone can
I am very sorry to hear about your W's cancer and confirmation of the OM. That had to sting.
In one of my threads I talked about the fact that I didn't know if OM was OM or just a friend, and I really struggled with that. It was so hard not to snoop. But then I asked myself, if there is an OM, would I do anything differently? I decided I wouldn't, so at that point I did what it took for me to come to grips with my sitch- I assumed that there was an OM. Whatever crazy thing I could imagine- W and OM having sex in a public park or whatever, yes, it's happening, LOL! So then I went through a short period of grief followed by acceptance. So I came to accept a sexual affair with OM even though I never had the evidence. That was many months ago. So this revelation actually didn't sting much if at all, because I had already assumed it was happening and dealt with the grief.
You are a really good person for being there for her during all this and remaining friendly even after everything that has happened. Sending you and your family good vibes and best of luck!
Thank you, and thank everyone here for the support, prayers and happy thoughts, I really appreciate it and am truly blessed by it
AS, sorry again to hear about all you have on your plate at the current time - sounds like you are handling it in a fantastic manner!!
You are an inspiration and role model to all here!
AS and SP, sounds like you are both in great places in regards to your relationship w/W. Agree that being there seems to indicate that a great amount of progress has occurred but man does it same hard to get there!
I myself am not there yet but still a work in progress.
Stay strong!
Awesome, that's fantastic to hear! When you get yourself to a place where you can be friends with W whether OM is in the picture or not and OM doesn't affect your PMA then you're well down the path of healing.
While there is no OW in my sitch, I haven't not gotten myself to a point where I think I would be ok to see H with OW. You sound at peace and I hope that I can get there one day.
I'm definitely a believer although I've quit trying to figure out why he lays such difficult challenges in front of me. I've learned through these forums not to mind-read my W, and I've learned from my sitch not to mind-read God
I believe one of the AlAnon sayings (or at least one I've learned in my group) is let go and let God. This is such a good attitude for you during this time.
I do plan to do exactly this. But I'm not doing it with the expectations that there will be a loving reconciliation at the end, I don't think it will happen. It doesn't matter though, I love her as a friend and as the mother of my kids and will do anything for her.
This is another great outlook that you have. Having been down a similar road not too long ago, I believe you will be at peace with this attitude. I can assure you that I could have won a wife of the year award through the surgeries, and I continue to fight the financial war with the medical providers and insurance companies. No R over here. H continues his flirty stuff with other women (none with me), but has lowered the age of the targets and now is making FB posts about how awesome female friends look (this is new). You cannot be hurt no matter the outcome with your outlook.
Seeing your story does give me some hope that one day I will get to the same place and that I can be PMA no matter what is going on in H's life. I'm doing better but still have more work to do.
I pray that you can remain strong for your kids through all of this.
I know it is still hard and some of the emotions that you thought were in the past can be brought up again after all this..but you now have more tools to deal with it...just a thought about the OM, I am sure he is a nice guy but you are right that it will be different when it is finally over with you and W and that might be a uncomfortable for him..just human nature, there won't be the mystery and all....but that is not your concern now and that is wasted time and thoughts...when I get down about my sitch I make the most of the time I have with my kids and love them as much as I can; my W is jealous of the bond I have developed with them. Take it eaaasy these next couple of weeks.......and be good to yourself...
W sent me some texts venting about how aggravated she is with all the doctor visits and such. She was supposed to have one next Monday and called them to ask why, they said they wanted to talk to her and she responded that she's sick and tired of talking about it and doesn't want to come in again until her BRCA results are in and then she canceled it. I did the DB'ing thing, told her I was sorry and it sounded very frustrating and I understood why she felt that way. She vented some more and I validated some more. W thinks she's OK with this but I think the stress is building in her like a pressure cooker. She seemed to calm down by the end of the exchange though, we joked around a bit about how she needed a margarita
Agree that being there seems to indicate that a great amount of progress has occurred but man does it seem hard to get there!
I think the hardest thing for most of us is to just let go of things and quit trying so darned hard to fix them. I think that was when I finally started seeing progress- it was when I stopped trying to make progress, LOL!
While there is no OW in my sitch, I haven't not gotten myself to a point where I think I would be ok to see H with OW.
I told my W early on that I wanted her to be happy and that if leaving me was what would make her happy then I supported that. But at the time they were just words I had read, I really wanted ME to be happy. At some point though, I really did decide I wanted W to be happy no matter what that meant. I had to accept that I could be happy without her first though. So now I'm there, and if OM makes her happy then I am glad for her. I don't harbor any ill feelings towards him. I'm certainly not saying that everyone needs to be like that (OK with seeing their spouse with OP) though.
I can assure you that I could have won a wife of the year award through the surgeries, and I continue to fight the financial war with the medical providers and insurance companies. No R over here. H continues his flirty stuff with other women (none with me), but has lowered the age of the targets and now is making FB posts about how awesome female friends look (this is new). You cannot be hurt no matter the outcome with your outlook.
You are a true saint for doing what you did for a person that surely doesn't seem to deserve it. I'm sure as a believer that you know your rewards will come though
I know it is still hard and some of the emotions that you thought were in the past can be brought up again after all this..
So far I feel quite detached from it. It hasn't brought up any emotional cycling in me. Maybe that will change once W is into the treatment phase, but I'm not in love with her anymore and so far it feels much like it did when my dad and grandmother went through it, I care and I want to be there for support but I don't feel deeply affected myself, it's more of just having compassion for the person going through it if that makes sense.
just a thought about the OM, I am sure he is a nice guy but you are right that it will be different when it is finally over with you and W and that might be a uncomfortable for him..just human nature, there won't be the mystery and all....
Could be, who knows. I certainly don't want W to consider reconciling because I've suddenly become her only option though.
W sent me some texts venting about how aggravated she is with all the doctor visits and such. She was supposed to have one next Monday and called them to ask why, they said they wanted to talk to her and she responded that she's sick and tired of talking about it and doesn't want to come in again until her BRCA results are in and then she canceled it. I did the DB'ing thing, told her I was sorry and it sounded very frustrating and I understood why she felt that way. She vented some more and I validated some more. W thinks she's OK with this but I think the stress is building in her like a pressure cooker. She seemed to calm down by the end of the exchange though, we joked around a bit about how she needed a margarita
Interesting she texts you to vent. Sorry! not mind-reading but that was my first impression. Good job validating her feelings
So far I feel quite detached from it. It hasn't brought up any emotional cycling in me. Maybe that will change once W is into the treatment phase, but I'm not in love with her anymore
AS, when did you come to this realization that you are not in love with her anymore? Would you still want her back? Why do you continue DB?
No new medical news with W, she won't get the BRCA results back for a week. Surgery is scheduled for a couple of weeks from now. The BRCA test will determine what surgery she proceeds with.
I thought I had mentioned this before, but scanning my last few posts I don't see it- W went on vacation with OM. She told me she was going to CA with him, I just wished her well. Our relationship really is "friendly neighbors" these days and this news didn't really have any impact on me one way or the other. I did ask her if she had told the kids just so I would know whether to keep it a secret or not. She said she had not told them and didn't plan on telling them. She left last Wednesday and it turns out she did tell the girls before she left.
W got back yesterday and stopped by my house and hung out there quite a while. She said they did a wine-tasting thing which she hated, they also zip-lined (at her request) and she had a lot of fun with that. Interesting that she chose to do that as the kids and I just did it for the first time on our recent vacation in the Ozarks.
Anyway, I had a lot of fun with the kids while she was gone. We ate out a lot, went and saw a couple of cool movies, went shopping and S10 and I went to Legoland. D16 has been pumping iron with me 3 times a week too, it's been a great bonding experience with her
Had a convo with D16 about our sitch. I can't remember how it got started, but D16 started talking about W and OM and then shut down and said she didn't want to talk about it. I told her that I understood it was painful, but that I thought she should try and open up about it because keeping stuff bottled up inside is what W does and it's never served her well. D16 said she was tired of W not telling her what's going on with OM, she said she wanted to know if they were just friends (as W has always claimed) or if it's something more. She said W would never give her a straight answer. I didn't want to tell D that W is lying, so I just told her that I understood her frustration, but maybe W answers that way because she doesn't know the answer herself. D also said that she didn't know why, but it bothered her more that I might start a relationship than if W does it. I assured her that I had no intentions of getting into a serious R anytime soon. I told her that I would be dating, but would keep that to days that I don't have them.
Interesting she texts you to vent. Sorry! not mind-reading but that was my first impression. Good job validating her feelings
I just think of it as the "friendly neighbor" thing, I'm just someone to talk to.
AS, when did you come to this realization that you are not in love with her anymore?
I think it happened slowly over time, there wasn't a sudden epiphany, just the realization at some point that the "in love" feelings were no longer there. Love is a choice and I could choose to love her again, but I wouldn't consider that unless there was some interest from her. I love her as the woman I spent much of my adult life with and as the mother of my kids. But I'm now in the same "ILYBINILWY" boat that she is.
Would you still want her back?
Hard to say. Would I be willing to try? Yes, I would do that for my kids. Would it work out? I honestly don't know.
For me and those in my life, to make myself the best person I can be for me and for them
Wow..!..my W has Om and she says they are just friends as well but I wonder....D(12) has said the same thing to me...that it does not bother her as much but she definitely does not want to see me with OW. I think you handled it well telling her that you would date but not when they are around. I guess girls are going to be protective of the Dads for a while even more so with WAS...happening...
AS, I just caught up in your thread. I don't know why, but I thought things were kind of dormant. I am so sorry to hear about your wifes diagnosis. I will be praying for her. I am also sorry to hear what you found out about OM.
That message she was sending about having the strength to leave rang so true in my sitch as well. W has admitted that having someone else treat her nicely have her the strength to finally pull the trigger.
I feel for you AS. That is a lot to deal with at once.
You are suck a strong person and a great example though for others. Thank you for all the communication help. I learned more from validating from you then any book I read.
W is having surgery tomorrow morning. I talked it over with her and she doesn't want me at the hospital, mainly because she feels a bit overwhelmed and both of our daughters want to be there and no one will be with S10. She didn't get the BRCA results back yet, but decided to proceed with a lumpectomy. So it'll be outpatient surgery. I am going to take S10 over to see her once she gets back home.
W came over last night and I could tell she was really upset, it turns out D16 had gotten a speeding ticket. 75 in a 40. What's worse is W asked her to let her know when she had gotten to her friend's house from work (she was spending the night with a friend) and she told W she was ALREADY there (this was about 1 am). She wasn't. Half an hour later she had to call W and tell her the police would be contacting her, so the lie was blown.
In the past I would have gotten really angry over something like this. One of the things I learned after BD is that W and D's were afraid to tell me about these things. So this has been one of my 180's. I just sat down with W and quietly asked her what she thought we should do. She talked about the punishment she had in mind, I told her I agreed with most of it but thought a couple of parts were too harsh. But she wanted to really teach D16 a lesson, so I told her I'd stand with her on it.
We called D16 and had her come over, we calmly explained the punishment and why we thought it was needed. D16 was REALLY upset, trying hard not to cry but her eyes were welling up. The reason she lied is because she had picked up some boy and was giving him a ride to her friend's house and she thought she'd get in trouble. I told her that the reason we need to know where she is isn't to snoop on her, it's for her safety. I told her about some of the recent abductions in the news and how in some cases no one knew the girl was even missing until 12+ hours later because they weren't being honest about where they were and what they were doing. I told her that if she thought she might get in trouble for something like that, she should just ask us before doing it. Either we would tell her it's OK or we would tell her we're not comfortable with it, but regardless, she wouldn't get in trouble for asking.
After W saw how upset D16 was, she ended up not bringing up the parts of the punishment that I had said were too extreme.
After W left I told D16 that I wanted her to know that I am very proud of her, that she was been really responsible, and that W felt the same way. This incident didn't make us feel any differently about her, we just felt the punishment was needed so she understood how important it was to us. She broke down crying, she felt really bad about putting more stress on W right before her surgery. I just validated, told her I understood why that would upset her.
Wow..!..my W has Om and she says they are just friends as well but I wonder
Look at it this way, if you had a friend and your friend told you his wife had become BFF's with another man and he asked you your opinion, what would you tell him? I have NEVER heard of a wife in a healthy marriage being best buds with another man. It just doesn't happen unless there's trouble in the M, and if it happens then there IS some form of A going on. It could very well not by physical, but an EA is just as damaging to a M.
I guess girls are going to be protective of the Dads for a while even more so with WAS...happening...
I think another thing working against us is the WAW rewriting history. They're busy telling everyone (including our kids) what a crappy person we are as justification for their actions. Meanwhile if we're following DB principals we're saying NOTHING bad about them. So everyone sees us as a real piece of shtako (bonus points if you get the reference
) and them as a saint for putting up with so much for so long. So if they start dating, well they DESERVE to be with someone that treats them right. But if we start dating, well we're just being a piece of shtako, LOL! It's really tough being a LBS.
W has admitted that having someone else treat her nicely have her the strength to finally pull the trigger.
That's just her fog talking. I treated her as well as anyone ever will and better than most would. She only sees OM a couple of times a week, it's easy to believe someone treats you like a princess when you see them infrequently. That is just so utterly different than living with someone and sharing the responsibilities of running a household and raising children. A strong, responsible husband seems like a real asset at first, but after years and years that assertive behavior is seen as "controlling" and "manipulative" by a WAW. It's easy for an OM to appear to be the opposite of that, because he's not involved with any of the things that make a husband appear controlling. Will she ever come out of the fog? Probably not, she's quite happy with her new life.
You are such a strong person and a great example though for others. Thank you for all the communication help. I learned more from validating from you then any book I read.
Thank you, I'm so glad to hear I helped you in some small way
Whenever I hear a WAS story I try to post it to my thread. I just met a woman a couple of days ago who had a WAH. She's 29, she dated her H for 5 years before they got married. After getting married they had a baby. One day with no advanced warning, her H announced he was done with the M and moving out. He did so, then a few months later she received D papers in the mail. She signed them and sent them back and shortly after was D'd. A year and a half later her ex approached her and wanted to reconcile, but she was totally done with him. Most of the WAS stories I've heard in person ended this way, with the WAS expressing interest in reconciling long after the LBS was done with them.
Hi AS. Just read your story in this thread and I'm sorry to hear about your W's cancer diagnosis and well as confirmation of OM. I don't really know what to say just wanted to lend you some support since you helped me in the beginning of my journey.
My W opened a page on "Caring Bridge" to keep everyone updated on her status. I posted a message of encouragement to her and was reading through the other posts and found this one from MIL:
"Have everything set up here to be taken care of while I am with you after the surgery. Hope everything goes as scheduled. Talked to (D18) and we have agreed that between me, her, (D16) and (S10) we can handle whatever comes up next week so you can concentrate on your recovery."Now I've talked about this much earlier in my thread, but probably not in quite a while- I am the kind of person who is always there to help others. If you have a problem with your car, or need help with something on your house, or just want to talk to someone I am "that" guy. I've done tons of volunteer work, mostly with Hearts and Hammers and Habitat for Humanity. I live 5 minutes from W. I've told her several times I would be happy to help her out, whether it's laundry, grocery shopping, whatever. Just 2 days ago I noticed her lawn was looking pretty shabby and asked her if she wanted me to take care of it while she's sick (she said no, she wanted D18 to do it). I have done TONS of things for MIL over the years. It just blows my mind that not only W, but apparently MIL now too want me so utterly and completely out of their lives, LOL! I just want to shake them and say "for crying out loud, I'm just offering to help, that's all!!!" I guess they think accepting help is like making a commitment or something. They both know that I have NEVER asked for anything in return because I consider volunteer work to be a higher calling than that. Ugh! It's just really frustrating.
Hi AS. Just read your story in this thread and I'm sorry to hear about your W's cancer diagnosis and well as confirmation of OM.
Thank you, that's very nice of you
Whenever I hear a WAS story I try to post it to my thread. I just met a woman a couple of days ago who had a WAH. She's 29, she dated her H for 5 years before they got married. After getting married they had a baby. One day with no advanced warning, her H announced he was done with the M and moving out. He did so, then a few months later she received D papers in the mail. She signed them and sent them back and shortly after was D'd. A year and a half later her ex approached her and wanted to reconcile, but she was totally done with him. Most of the WAS stories I've heard in person ended this way, with the WAS expressing interest in reconciling long after the LBS was done with them.
The irony - for me - is that I have moral and religious issues with being "done" with my XW, yet there are so many stories like what you posted, AS. Bollocks!
All the best to you and your W, AS. I will pray for your family and W's procedure.
All the best,
-PM
My W opened a page on "Caring Bridge" to keep everyone updated on her status. I posted a message of encouragement to her and was reading through the other posts and found this one from MIL:
"Have everything set up here to be taken care of while I am with you after the surgery. Hope everything goes as scheduled. Talked to (D18) and we have agreed that between me, her, (D16) and (S10) we can handle whatever comes up next week so you can concentrate on your recovery."
Now I've talked about this much earlier in my thread, but probably not in quite a while- I am the kind of person who is always there to help others. If you have a problem with your car, or need help with something on your house, or just want to talk to someone I am "that" guy. I've done tons of volunteer work, mostly with Hearts and Hammers and Habitat for Humanity. I live 5 minutes from W. I've told her several times I would be happy to help her out, whether it's laundry, grocery shopping, whatever. Just 2 days ago I noticed her lawn was looking pretty shabby and asked her if she wanted me to take care of it while she's sick (she said no, she wanted D18 to do it). I have done TONS of things for MIL over the years. It just blows my mind that not only W, but apparently MIL now too want me so utterly and completely out of their lives, LOL! I just want to shake them and say "for crying out loud, I'm just offering to help, that's all!!!" I guess they think accepting help is like making a commitment or something. They both know that I have NEVER asked for anything in return because I consider volunteer work to be a higher calling than that. Ugh! It's just really frustrating.
Yes that is extremely frustrating. My wife's car blew the engine about a month after she moved out and I offered her help. Her answer was no thanks i don't want you to throw that sh!t up in my face later. Now I'm not the type to go tit for tat, I don't throw stuff up in people's face if I offer help it's a gift not indentured servitude, she's the one who has a history of that kind of behavior.
So... what can we do?!?! Offer the help when we want to and let them deal with their decisions. You did your part, continue to do the next right thing.
"Have everything set up here to be taken care of while I am with you after the surgery. Hope everything goes as scheduled. Talked to (D18) and we have agreed that between me, her, (D16) and (S10) we can handle whatever comes up next week so you can concentrate on your recovery."
I would try not to read too much into this right now...everyone is in an emotional state right now...keep calm. Sounds like they just want to help W...not an affront to you.
Hey, AS,
Don't worry about what your MIL posted. You know that you've been there for your family and so does your W. But, b/c of her sitch any kind of help she accepts from you will only throw her further into any guilt she already has.
Stay strong--I know you will!!
Hey all, sorry I've been absent, that will get explained below! Thanks for the comments regarding MIL's comment, I agree that it's nothing to worry about it just irked me so I wanted to vent a bit about it
I guess sometimes the IL's allow the fog to extend over them as well.
It's been an interesting week. W did get her BRCA test results back on Tuesday, they were negative (awesome news!) so that greenlighted just doing a lumpectomy. Surgery was scheduled for Wednesday. We had previously decided that I would keep S10 at my house until W got to her house after the surgery and then I would bring him over to see her.
I think I previously posted that on the Thursday before I took the kids to Six Flags. Well someone there gave me a lovely gift, on Saturday I started feeling bad and by Monday I was running crazy fevers and barely walking. I went to the doc Tuesday and had Strep Throat. Obviously I was concerned about being around W on Wednesday, so I explained to her what was going on and said I would give her a wide berth, and would keep my hands disinfected. The doc said I shouldn't be contageous by the time I saw her, but why take chances.
So she had the surgery on Wednesday and everything went great! D16 and S10 were with me and pretty much slept through the whole thing, LOL! D18 was with W (so was OM) and kept me updated via text. They did some work on the lymph nodes under W's armpit and she said she'll never be able to have blood drawn or get an IV anywhere on that arm again because of it. That area has been very sore for her, but otherwise she feels well (but very tired).
Despite being on antibiotics, I felt terrible Wednesday. I did take S10 and D16 by to visit (D18 and OM took W to and fromthe hospital and were there) and we took W a nice "Edible Arrangements" fruit arrangement and had S10 make a card for her that we all signed. W and I talked for quite a while, but I told her I had to run because I was starting to feel poorly again. By the time I got home I was shaking violently from the strep.
W has continued to get better, but I continued to get worse. I went back to the doc on Friday and took my antibiotics with me. I showed the doc a discrepency I had found, the CVS printed label said 1 tab per day while the "factory" label" said 1 per 12 hours. The doc couldn't believe such a blatant mistake happened. So THAT is why I wasn't getting better, they screwed up the label info!
I'm feeling better now, but that few days delay was a huge setback in my recovery. My throat is a disgusting mess, sores all up and down it and inside the Eustachian tubes and even on the roof of my mouth. It's so painful that drinking water brings tears to my eyes. I've lost 14 pounds, I'm that dehydrated. Terrible!
The good news is W is doing quite well. She's going to try and go to work for a while tomorrow. MIL is going to be staying with her starting tomorrow.
This hasn't changed anything in our sitch, but I wasn't expecting it to. We're getting along quite well though.
Now I've got to get this Strep out of my life, I am soooo tired and just not getting hardly anything done. My weight training has ground to a halt and my eating has been almost zero for a week. Ugh!
AS..first off hope you are feeling better soon...(((. ))))
Secondly, why do you think W doesn't want your help? I have a couple of theories, but would love to hear you unpack it a bit first.
Today you guys are in my meditation. I have to envision you as AS and AS'sW with corresponding t shirts on stick figures.
AS..first off hope you are feeling better soon...(((. ))))
Thank you, if the two choices are getting better or dying, then either option is better than what I've been suffering the last week, LOL!
Secondly, why do you think W doesn't want your help?
I really don't know, I guess maybe it goes back to the comment she made to her school mate that me taking care of her was her "worst nightmare" or something to that effect. So she may actually be repulsed by the idea. Also it seems that she's pushing me farther out as she let's OM closer in to her life. I stopped by to visit on.. Saturday I think? OM and D16 were cooking a meal together while W sat in the living room, it was all quite chummy! I'm just glad she's getting through her recovery smoothly though, even if it doesn't involve me that much. The chemo and radiation don't start for a while and will be much more debilitating, she may need a lot more help then.
I have to envision you as AS and AS'sW with corresponding t shirts on stick figures.
That won't do at all! I'm average height, slender, muscular, short dark brown hair (although it shocks me to get a haircut, I always wonder who threw all that silver-grey hair on me and where it came from), awesome golden-brown tan, always a smile with big dimples, grey eyes, really nice teeth (I earned the right to say that after years of braces and surgery!). W is short, pretty face, blue-green eyes, blonde hair (used to be real, LOL!), on the heavy side, very sweet and easy to talk to person. That's got to be better than stick figures
Hey all, some of you may have noticed my absence, I've continued to get more and more ill. At this point I've lost 20 pounds. I can scarcely believe when I look in the mirror, I've lost so much muscle mass it's crazy. I went back to the doctor earlier this week and I still had strep throat, plus they did a blood workup and I have mono too. I had mono about 30 years ago and thought you couldn't get it more than once, but according to the doc it can flare back up if the body is dragged down far enough. It all goes back to the pharmacy screwing up my prescription, instead of healing, the strep just festered and opened the door to the mono flaring up. So now it's just a waiting game, recovery time from mono is about 6 weeks. I've spent a lot of time moving from my bed to my couch to my recliner, LOL! There's nothing worse than taking a nap and waking up feeling like you need a nap, haha! I have to force myself to eat, I just have no appetite. What annoys me the most about the timing is this would have been a great opportunity to help my W after her surgery, and instead she doesn't even want me to come over because she's afraid I'll pass my germs on to her.
A followup on W's surgery- she ended up having to go back in because the surgeon wasn't happy that she had removed enough material from around the tumor. She went in yesterday and everything went fine. I took some flowers over to her, but I didn't go in because of her concern about my mono, I just gave them to the kids and left. OM's truck was there, so I didn't particularly want to go inside anyway.
W will recover from the surgery for a month before starting chemo. I think that is going to be a lot more debilitating than the surgery was, so hopefully by then I'll be well on my way to healing and can help out more.
Not much else to report, there's been no further discussion of D, probably because she's postponing it until she's done with the cancer treatments.
I hope everyone is doing well
AS,
I am sorry you are going through so much - physically and emotionally.
Hang in there - you are a strong man and you know all of this will pass and better, brighter days will come for you.
It is amazing that despite what you are going through, you are still thinking about your wife's well-being. You are a good man.
Please take care of yourself. Eat well and get some rest.
Man sorry to hear this and no one to take care of you! Well take it easy; sometimes being really sick can give you a new perspective on life.
AS, sorry to hear about your health problems, and that is some weight loss. Keep eating.
You didn't mention, did your W show any concern about your sickness? Or does she not really see how sick you are?
I hope your kids and others are around to help you out.
I talked to W last night and I misunderstood what she told me before, it turns out the reason the surgeon wanted to go back in is the "margins" around the tumor had precancerous cells in them. So the surgeon is concerned that the cancer was not removed. The surgery last Friday was to remove more margin material to see if the precancerous cells extend out any further. W has already decided that if they find more precancerous cells from Friday's surgery then she is going to proceed with the double mastectomy. She should hear back today or tomorrow.
I am sorry you are going through so much - physically and emotionally.
Thank you, it really has just wiped me out!! I just can't believe the timing, I couldn't have gotten sick at a worse time.
Man sorry to hear this and no one to take care of you!
Yeah, I'm not going to lie, being sick AND alone is pretty sucktacular, LOL! The kids are back with me this week, even though they're not helping me much it's nice to have the companionship.
You didn't mention, did your W show any concern about your sickness? Or does she not really see how sick you are?
It's kind of hard to explain, but she's always kind of left me alone when I'm sick. I mean she would check on me to see if I needed anything, but she's not one of those compassionate, nurturing types if that makes sense. She has asked how I'm doing, but she's got more on her plate than I do so I don't blame her for not running over to check on me. She also has concerns that if she's exposed to me it may make her sick since her immunities are depressed right now from the surgery. I totally understand her position.
W got the results back on the margins and they are still questionable, but the surgeon advised to skip further surgery and proceed with the radiation treatments (and possibly chemo, waiting for more test results that will determine that). W's spirits are higher now, I think now that a plan is mapped out it takes some of the stress off.
She did tell me her mower broke, so I went over while she was at work and fixed it for her and mowed her yard as it was getting really long. Also sprayed weedkiller on all the weeds in the beds. I've been emailing or calling her every couple of days just to check and see how she is, to see if she needs anything and to offer some encouragement.
W knows how much I suffer when I go through strep throat, she surprised me a couple of nights ago when she stopped by and gave me her painkillers (same as what I was initially prescribed but was running low on). She doesn't need them anymore, but refilled the prescription just to give to me. I thought it was a nice gesture.
I'm slowly getting over the mono, my energy levels are maybe 75% of normal but that's a huge improvement over a week ago. I'm going to get back in the gym on Monday and start some light workouts. My doc told be I should start getting some exercise again as it will speed the healing process.
Stander,
Good to hear you are finally starting to feel better. You have a lot on your plate and seem to be handling it well.
Just out of curiosity, what has been your thoughts besides feeling that it was a nice gesture for your W to bring over her painkillers? You two have a long history together and part of me thinks that things may just work out for you yet.
Is OM still in the picture during the surgery and hospital time your W has been going through?
Some women are very independant as far as not wanting any help from their H, but i think you fixing her mower and mowing the lawn and offering her help if she needs anything will not go unnoticed even if she says she doesn't need anything from you like my XW does.
Hope your weekend goes well.
Good to hear you are finally starting to feel better. You have a lot on your plate and seem to be handling it well.
Thank you
Just out of curiosity, what has been your thoughts besides feeling that it was a nice gesture for your W to bring over her painkillers? You two have a long history together and part of me thinks that things may just work out for you yet.
I don't know what to think of her actions, I really don't. She's made no effort to reach out to me at all. But yet she still does things for me now and then, like the above, and like getting me some nice gifts on my bday a couple of months ago and taking me to dinner. Maybe she's trying to keep me on the hook as plan B, who knows.
Is OM still in the picture during the surgery and hospital time your W has been going through?
Yeah, after both surgeries when I went to visit her OM was there (and so were our kids). He made dinner for her. I really don't know what else he's been doing if anything. I still don't know what the nature of their R is, I assumed the worst but she's always insisted they're just friends and I've seen no evidence to the contrary except for her FB comments that I posted a while back, which could just point to a one-way EA on her part.
Some women are very independant as far as not wanting any help from their H, but i think you fixing her mower and mowing the lawn and offering her help if she needs anything will not go unnoticed even if she says she doesn't need anything from you like my XW does.
She does seem grateful for the help even though she hasn't really asked for any!
Hope your weekend goes well.
Thanks, you too!
She does seem grateful for the help even though she hasn't really asked for any!
In my country we have a saying – it is hard to translate but goes something like:
True friends come only invited when things are normal but in troubled times they look by you uninvitedYou are a good man AS! The things you are doing for your W is truly and always good! She is in troubled waters and you stick by her! You would properly still like to R although you express doubt and feel good but as I read you these actions are done out of good and without expectations.
I really like reading about this and I believe anybody and everybody would like a person like this around them – and that goes for your W as well!
All the best!
F
AS,
Thanks for posting on my thread. I always look forward to your advice/insight
Sorry to hear you are still struggling with your health. I hope that you are on the mend sooner than later.
My SIL just underwent chemo this Spring and a double mastectomy a couple of weeks ago. Surgery has proven why worse than the chemo for her so far, but every person is different, so your W may experience the reverse. Sorry to hear she is having to go through this--no woman should ever have to go through this.
Continue to reach out to her and try to be there for her in any way you can, regardless of what she projects she does/doesn't want from you in terms of support. She will appreciate it even if it doesn't feel comfortable to her right now.
Take care, AS!
W is turning 50 this week. She bought me a few things for my bday a couple of months ago so I plan on returning the favor. I was actually sitting at home this evening thinking about plans for this when I got a call from MIL. She asked me if I knew about the surprise party for W, which I had not heard one word about. Turns out OM and a woman from W's office have been organizing a big event for after work on Friday. Stupid me, I thought MIL was calling to invite me, LOL! Turns out she was calling to see if I could take the kids starting Friday instead of Sunday because W's bestie is driving in from out-of-state and they want me to take the kids so that W and bestie can spend the weekend together. I told her it was no problem (and it isn't). Honestly I was taken aback that no one invited me or even told me about the party (even the kids know), but I'm not angry or upset, seems like that kind of stuff is par for the course these days!
True friends come only invited when things are normal but in troubled times they look by you uninvited
I like that
You are a good man AS! The things you are doing for your W is truly and always good!
Thank you, I really feel like it's not following DB'ing very well but as I said after W was diagnosed, I'd rather set DB'ing aside for now and just be as much help to her as I can be. I really don't think it's helping the sitch one bit and I think D is a certainty, but at this point I feel that was inevitable regardless of what path I took. Seems like all the tunnels in my maze are cheeseless, LOL!
Thanks for posting on my thread. I always look forward to your advice/insight
You're welcome, you've had an amazing journey and I've enjoyed keeping up with it
Sorry to hear you are still struggling with your health. I hope that you are on the mend sooner than later.
Thank you! It's been a little over 3 weeks now, I get a little better each day but it's looking like it'll be a few more weeks before I'm normal. I was in really good shape and it's just shocking to me now at how easily I get winded now!
Surgery has proven why worse than the chemo for her so far
Sorry to hear that
The two surgeries went well for W although she had a lumpectomy rather than full mastectomy so it wasn't as invasive. The part that bothers her the most is where they removed some lymph nodes under her arm. Apparently she is going to have a hysterectomy before the radiation treatments start, I just found that out when I read her journal (on Caring Bridge) yesterday. She changed so much after BD last year, I wonder how all of this may affect her personality.
Continue to reach out to her and try to be there for her in any way you can, regardless of what she projects she does/doesn't want from you in terms of support. She will appreciate it even if it doesn't feel comfortable to her right now.
Thank you for the vote of confidence
Get well, AS!
Sorry about the bday party for your W- not getting invited, but it sounds like you've handled yourself very well, as usual these days!
Boy, your wife is going through a lot, I have to say...for most women turning that next decade is killer! I still can't admit to turning 4-0 outloud!