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Need Encouragement 3

Posted By: InAPickle

Need Encouragement 3 - 03/04/13 03:13 PM

You stay away long enough and your thread gets locked.

Link to last post:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...330#Post2311330

Anywho: Sunday morning got the old: "Do you have time to talk?"

Not - "We need to talk," which to me would mean she wants to date somebody or seperate or something in that direction.

Caught me off guard, so I off-handedly responded: "I don't know; every time we talk something bad happens."

To which she says something like: "well whenever you're ready."

I know, I know, I wasn't prepared. I also experienced a flood of emotions mostly negative at the prospect that she's may be growing up?

I'll find out what she wants this week.

Anyone else go through this.
Posted By: Cadet

Re: Need Encouragement 3 - 03/05/13 11:44 AM

Sounds like you have EXPECTATIONS.

See what she wants.

How much worse could it be?
Posted By: InAPickle

Re: Need Encouragement 3 - 03/08/13 02:53 PM

Originally Posted By: Cadet
How much worse could it be?


I am kinda anxious about any change to the status quo.
Been getting used to "relationship status: Free".

No stressing over, what should I do for Valentines? Just ignored it. No stressing over just hanging out in the man cave watching sports whenever I want. The house is mine = no "honey do list." There've been other, for lack of a better term, "positives".

I am so freaking "detached" emotionally that my guard is so far up, I am reluctant to death to lower it any at all. Now's not the time, but I want to still leave the path open.

"Freedom's just another word for nuthin' left to lose."
(Joplin)
Posted By: PatientMan

Re: Need Encouragement 3 - 03/08/13 03:56 PM

Perhaps I missed the sarcasm, but if you are so "detached" then why did her question send such a rush of emotions through you?
Posted By: InAPickle

Re: Need Encouragement 3 - 03/08/13 06:35 PM

Originally Posted By: tehmackdaddy
Perhaps I missed the sarcasm, but if you are so "detached" then why did her question send such a rush of emotions through you?


It was brief and unexpected.

Not like during the sitch and D process where you're on a roller coaster almost the whole time. By detached, I mean those days are long gone. In my position, you have to accept as reality you're not growing old with your X, otherwise it's hard to move forward.
Posted By: InAPickle

Re: Need Encouragement 3 - 05/05/13 01:30 PM

Been a while since posted, but things have come up that I want to journal.

The past few months, me and live-in XW/roommate have been getting along on fairly friendly terms. We even all went to visit my parents one day and had my visiting sis over for dinner. No R talk or anything like that, just making do the best we can. But some thing "new" is afoot.

So, last week was S14's confirmation. The early evening before (Friday), XW said she was meeting so and so for a drink (one of her GF's). I heard her come in and I woke up. It was around 3AM. Mind you we had to be at the church at 9:30 AM.

Okay, so last nite she has a fund raiser to go to with same GF and one other. She texts D19, who is home from college, that GF booked a hotel room and the three GF's are spending the nite.

I know I shouldn't, but this gives me a creepy feeling. Is she lying and seeing someone? How should I handle this? Should I even care?

One thing I do know, she's not living under my roof if she's dating; that's a game changer.

Any suggestions?
Posted By: ~ kd ~

Re: Need Encouragement 3 - 05/05/13 04:31 PM

That's a tough one, pickle.

You may not be having R talks and so are still functioning as "roommates" so you still have to operate under that premise. If she is going to date someone, then that is what she is going to do.

I know that you are still hoping that things will change and she will want to be with you again as a partner and possibly wife.

Still, why is she still living in the house? Is it (for her) just a convenience? Money? Something else?

What 180s have you been doing that might have helped her understand that you are a different man and so she might consider a new R with you?

Is her going out with this GF something new for her? Is this the first time she's been out to 3am or done overnights with friends?

There's nothing you can do other than wait and see if there is someone else. If you talk to her about it, she could very well lie and keep it deep underground. If you don't say anything about it, she may open up eventually or let it slip, and you can make any decisions at that time.
Posted By: InAPickle

Re: Need Encouragement 3 - 05/06/13 01:52 PM

I consented to her staying in the house basically for S14 AND money AND convenience. It hasn't been awkward for me. I'm detached 99% of the time. In fact I am the honeybadger of detachment, "Honeybadger doesn't give a $hit!"

With that in mind my 180's have been all about me; we're divorced, so I'm not trying to impress anybody. You have to anticipate a future without the X, even when they linger in an arrangement such as this.

Alhough since our bank accounts are seperate now, I have infinite less stress about her and "our" money, although I still fret over me an mine. So she undoubtedly notices I don't give her any grief about that. That's a 180 for me.

In fact one of our drainfields reached the end of it's shelf life a year or so ago, and we were relegated to doing only quarter loads of laundry at a time ever since, lest the thing back up. Though the house is mine, she offered to pay for it, so I split the cost with her.

Back to the staying out all night. Sunday AM she strolls in; I'm on the computer; kids are still asleep; tells me about the GF being compped the hotel room for her work in the fundraiser, so the three stayed there, but complained that it was right near the elevators so very little sleep. Fair enough. She wasn't shagging some guy.

But this has served to teach me something. I said 99% of the time detached. Looks like the 1% got to me. But hey, It's all normal. As much as I'd like to, I can't expect to be totally free of some emotions, totally invulnerable. That ain't happening.

I know she's waiting for me to "talk". She hasn't been "out of town" in a long, long time. I think that whole EA/PA has fizzled out. Right now she's living the reality of having divorced me; probably not certain about the future. But you know, I am nowhere near allowing myself to be vulnerable again. Forgiveness is easy; it's the forgetting that I have trouble with. So... I'm still the honeybadger - for now.

Prayers, Pic.
Posted By: jp787

Re: Need Encouragement 3 - 05/06/13 02:02 PM

Originally Posted By: InAPickle
Forgiveness is easy; it's the forgetting that I have trouble with.


I would challenge you on this statement, have you truly forgiven?

Personally I find one never forgets and forgiveness is a huge metal shift and not easy in the least.
Posted By: Breakdown

Re: Need Encouragement 3 - 05/06/13 03:00 PM

I haven't read your entire history, so take my comments with a grain of salt.

Originally Posted By: InAPickle
Is she lying and seeing someone? How should I handle this? Should I even care?

One thing I do know, she's not living under my roof if she's dating; that's a game changer.


I'm not sure why you are concerned about it. Don't you plan to date at some point? How awkward is it going to be to tell someone you are still living with your XW for "convenience?"

If you think your XW is never going to date, or be honest enough to tell you about it, I think you're fooling yourself.

IAP, you really don't sound detached and there's an element of control in your statements. Do you see that?

What do you want for you?
Posted By: InAPickle

Re: Need Encouragement 3 - 05/06/13 07:19 PM

You guys...!
Posted By: ~ kd ~

Re: Need Encouragement 3 - 05/07/13 02:13 AM

Work on that 1% my friend, and keep being the honeybadger. cool
Posted By: InAPickle

Re: Need Encouragement 3 - 05/26/13 12:29 PM

Anyone seen the latest Star Trek movie?
Awsome flick; took the kids yesterday.
One scene struck me though.
Spock and Uhura were discussing his lack of feelings.
He goes on to explain how and why in a given situation
he "chose" not to feel. That reminded me of my detachment.

June 2nd I will have been divorced two years. To survive the trauma (yes the whole ordeal was traumatic)I chose not to feel.
Some people say "bury" the feelings, but I think I "flushed" mine right down the toilet.

For those of you hoping to one day "patch" things up, be careful of this. Things were so painful for me that I've consciously and subconciously "chosen" not to fall in love - with anyone I know - not even the XW who appears to be maybe emerging from the tunnel. I really can't tell actually.

If it were ever to happen there'd have to be divine intervention. I joke that the only type that could ever break down my defenses would have to be, "young, hot & rich!"

But seriously folks, I never felt the need to "rebound" and I'd read so much negative stuff about rebounding, so I just stayed the hell away from it. And as time went on, I got comfortible and decided against what I call "relationship stress." I spoiled myself doing what I please. It's a trade off.

Holy $hit, this is turning into a journal entry. Sorry, caught myself rambling. Don't worry, I still have "some" feelings - mixed as they are, but I'm still on the side of the fence that says, "I'm never putting up certain $hit again."

Happy Memorial Day everyone. Gotta go.
Love, Pic.
Posted By: ~ kd ~

Re: Need Encouragement 3 - 05/29/13 10:07 PM

I think there's always a risk that when we work on detaching, we may actually shut down our vulnerability. Without that, we can deprive ourselves from giving and receiving intimate love.

If that happens, it can be yet another journey to find our way "back".

Do you think your W is trying to reconnect?
Posted By: InAPickle

Re: Need Encouragement 3 - 09/21/13 04:05 AM

Alright, so it's been, what, almost four months since last post. Well she's finally decided to move out, finally. I'm actually feeling good about that. And I think S14 realizes it's not the end of the world either. Kids are resilient.

It's funny how she broke it to me. She said "I love ya man, but I'm going to move out." I was like "Okay." And that was that. I kind of sensed she expected me to be surprised. It was certainly unexpected, but I reacted more like I was ready too, you know.

The GF from whom she is going to rent a house came by, and while XW was in the house, GF came out to the porch where I was for a little hello, and said to me, XW said she thinks I'm ready for her to move on. I only said, "Well It has been two years" and left it at that.

So my buddy and I helped her move most of the heavy stuff last weekend. She's been toting little stuff herself. S14 has indicated he wants to spend most of his nights with me in a familiar bedroom. In time I suppose he'll try her place out. I guess my feeling right now is, "it's about freaking time."

Besides, it's FAWBAWL SEASON ! YEH!

Love to all. Don't be afraid of what the future holds.

Pickle
Posted By: InAPickle

Re: Need Encouragement 3 - 12/29/13 04:19 PM

I think I've come full circle almost.
I was thinking yesterday and praying.
XW is on a ski trip with OM.

I wondered about all the GAL things I didn't do because - well - money, you know. I wanted to get a motorcycle and look badass in black leathers and cruise the interstate, but money. I wanted to take time off work and do me stuff, but money. I wanted to spoil myself, but money.

But as I prayed, a voice inside me said, "that's not really you, just be yourself."

And so I am not doing those things, because I like staying home. I like cooking for my kids. Sometimes I like just doing nothing. It proves to me that although my midlife may have been a transition, it was never in crisis.

I will continue to be the rock for my babies until they are independent of me, then maybe I'll do more fishing.

I fully intended to move this thread to the "surviving the big D". I'm just so lazy right now.
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