Link to last thread
Soul.Searching my way back Well I had my first Valentines day in 14 years as a single woman today. Actually really my first ever. I'd just turned 16 when I started dating H.
It was actually okay. Feeling a little down tonight but not too bad really.
H called today to ask if he could drop in and see the kids after work. We were talking about the kids Birthdays as D9 was already worried about seeing both of us. He was saying how we can at least be civil about it. Hmm yeah, that's the plan.
He sounded kinda down. Wonder if he felt a tiny bit of guilt. Who knows.
He came just as I got home from work and rushed the kids out the door.
S8 was crying because he said our cat sounded sick. Strange because I can't find her and she is always here. I hope she is okay!!!
Anyway S was crying telling me and H just rushed him in the car. That was just mean.
He brought them back and pretty much left.
I don't think he likes coming to the house these days.
Nothing was mentioned about Valentines day by either of us. I nearly said it but thought it would be inappropriate.
I didn't feel anything when I seen him but to be honest, I don't think I really looked at him either. I mean I did look at him but I didn't "see" him.
Strange.
I had to do some quick course's the last few days. It was interesting to see the way different people respond to different things.
I've found D9 has a lot of anger these days. I tried to talk to H about it a few times before but he thinks I'm full of it. Nothing he does has affected the kids in his view and if they don't do it when they are with him, then it must be my fault.
So basically I'm on my own, trying to help the kids through this. It okay though. I can do this, not much different really. I've always felt like a single Mum in many ways.
H was always too busy to deal with anything.
All in all, a way better Valentines Day than I would have thought a few months ago. It's been a little sad tonight but no tears. Pretty much an average day.
Good for you SS! I hope the cat is okay
H may have rushed them ou the door simply because V day is a bit awkward all around, don't you think?
I don't really know Ruby. I hadn't heard from him in days and he has never picked the kids up alone for an afternoon before. It's nearly 11pm and he just called again to ask me if I had a phone number. That makes two calls today and seen him twice, only for a few mins each time but still.
Could quite easily be a coincidence. Just seems strange.
It really doesn't matter anyway but it does get me thinking.
I hope my cat is okay too, she has to be! Surely we can loose a forth family pet in such a short time. She is only about four years old. S said she was meowing weird but then we couldn't find her. She is still not back yet but I think she will come back. At least I really hope.
Oh, we'll. no mind reading. I don't know about you but every time I attempt I am either torturing myself or wrong lol!
Is your cat female? Is she in heat maybe?
Ya just keep it between the ditched SS probably means he has his head somewhere warm lol. Remember this is about you now, making you a better person. His actions and thoughts are in another world right now. Trying to reason them out is impossible, he has to figure out why he's gone to the dark side. (Luke I'm your father hahahaha). Be good stay strong, hugs from Tennessee.
Thanks Ruby. I'm not really mind reading, I know one things for sure. I have NO idea what H is thinking lol I just find it interesting.
Yes my cat is a female but she desexed. I'm hoping she just found somewhere comfy. If she is not back by tomorrow night then I will know something is wrong.
Thanks Subguy. I do wonder sometime if H is just simply happier without me. I don't know, we have minimal contact, so it's hard to tell what he is actually like these days. I find the minimal contact really helps me to detach though.
Thanks Subguy. I do wonder sometime if H is just simply happier without me. I don't know, we have minimal contact, so it's hard to tell what he is actually like these days. I find the minimal contact really helps me to detach though.
I'd say he is not happier now. From what I've seen the WAS does not know how to effectively communicate their unhappiness and they get themselves so worked up about their unhappiness that they run. They run from everything thinking they will be happy to just get away. Unfortunately for a lot of WAS's they do not work on themselves and figure out later that the spouse they left was not the key master to their happiness in life. Obviously this is a generalization and does not fit every situation. From what else I've seen most LBS's at least on this site are the one's working to improve themselves. I'll take the pain of working on me for a brighter future. I am learning to empathize with my wife's pain. That does not mean I necessarily agree with her view of the situation however, I am trying hard to understand her side. I also am trying to look at her complaints and see if I think they are valid and change me for the better. I am done taking on her pain as my own, this is something she will have to figure out. I am taking charge of my life.
Thats my take on the WAS and possibly your husband. Basically SS you know the drill: work on you, let them figure them out. No!!! they are not happy, they are just better at faking it.
Thanks Subguy. I do feel sorry for H. He actually called me the other day, asking me for advice. I don't know why he called me but I kinda gave him pros and cons for both options but told him I couldn't advise him either way.
He has himself in a terrible financial situation. He always thought I was a bitch for not "Letting" him do certain things, I guess his learning the hard way now.
My cat came back!!! She was gone for three nights and D9 heard her outside crying in the morning! She looks/ seems fine, so I'm have no idea what happened there but she is back and fine!
Both kids were up throwing up lastnight and have layed around all day today with headaches. I'm hoping its just a 24 hour bug. It's terrible when they are sick and you can't do anything.
H called yesterday morning to ask me to look for something for him, he called early and woke me up and it didn't affect me!!! Since H left, when I get woken up by a call from him, I was feeling like crap all day. It really didn't affect me yesterday so that was awesome!!
I posted months ago about H not wanting me to repair S8's bike tyre, he wanted to buy a new one, well he still hasent. So yesterday I repaired it, S8 was impressed lol. I repaired mine many times when I was a kid and I never had a problem with it.
Been trying to get things sorted around here, I seem to do good for a while, then something happens and I stop. I want to get it done though. I want everything of H's given back to him, right down to every piece of paper.
I'm noticing more and more good things about being single. I'm thankful for a lot more these days and am learning to treasure a lot more moments. Actually living in the moment, without 10 000 other thoughts running around in my head. Feels so freeing.
It's good to feel strong.
That sounds sooo awesome, SS! I sure hope you can stay on this track. Because even the absolute best scenarios possible, that your H would get his head out of his behind and become a new person and come back to reconcile (and that's only a *maybe* on the best thing possible,) I think the work you're doing and the progress you're making is essential for a healthy you. I think maybe you weren't so healthy before and just didn't realize it. You sound GREAT right now! Keep it up!
SS,
Some of what you are experiencing with your H sounds similar to my sitch. My H makes a lot of promises to do things and then he never does them. If I have the nerve to bring it up later, then he gets very upset with me and complains about all the roadblocks in his life.
Like you, I find my H's indirect and abstract "communication" style very hard to understand. He clearly is miserable but takes little to no action towards reconciling or even making himself happy.
I am still on a bit of a rollercoaster emotionally, where somedays I am very detached and sometimes I backslide.
Keep up the good work.
Sometimes the ability to do things helps us realize what amazing people we can be. Don't know about you SS, but when I do something I never thought of doing or didn't think I was capable of doing I feel really really good. I feel strong and most importantly I feel that I can do this....whatever your this may be!
Thanks Bug, CV and Ruby.
I really do feel so much better.
H is not doing so good. He has been calling/ messaging me quite a bit the last two days. He is really down, his in so much financial debt. Majority of it is all new in the last few months. He is having a lot of problems with his job and he feels homeless. I thought he was living at his GD's but apparently he is still living with his Mum. He said it doesn't feel like home. It's been almost three weeks since he last had the kids. He has cried several times on the phone to me in the past two days. Says he doesn't know what he is doing.
He came over again tonight to see them because apparently, he is working 7 days for the next month. Strange thing was, I went out the front, so he could spend time with them, he followed, then they followed.
I went out the back, same thing. Came inside same thing, we ended up all just sitting out the front. He was only here maybe 20 mins/ half an hour.
He hasent changed much really, here he is in so much financial trouble but yet he was showing me all this stuff he brought on eBay! Hmm only cheap things but they all add up. I didn't say anything.
Another strange thing is his memory! I was talking yesterday about D9 having a appointment today, she may end up needing surgery. It's nothing major and she may not even need it but he was crying asking me to call him after the appointment today, so I called,...
Me: Hey, how are you?
H: Good, how are you?
Me: I'm good. Just had D9's appointment,.
H: What appointment?
Me: Her appointment I told you about yesterday.
H: Appointment for what?
Me: her appointment for ..., you asked me to call after she was out.
H: oh yeah,... How did she go?
That's just kinda freaky, I used to put that down to him just not listening to me but he was crying about it yesterday. I think he is depressed pretty badly.
The strange thing is, he hasent pulled me back on to his roller coaster!!! I've got no expectations what so ever. I really wouldn't be surprised if he is back to not talking to me by tomorrow. I know done will say that I am letting him eat his cake but I can't not be there for him, if he needs me. I know I can't help him and I'm not trying to, just being a friend when he needs one, that's all.
It feels so good to be able to talk to him/ be there for him without being down about it.
I really do think I am right where I am supposed to be. I can see now why this had to happen. I'm actually starting to like being single. I like me a whole lot more these days and I love not rushing around all the time. I love feeling free.
I didn't really feel anything for him but I still don't think I really look at him these days. I care about him a lot. I do love him but not in the same way.
I do hope he can sort himself out. It does hurt, knowing how badly he hurts but I know, this is all a result of his own choices in life and I really don't know if he had even learnt any lesions.
I know I have learnt many lesions and continue to do so. It's not about him or me anymore, it about our children.
Okay so now I'm confused and I don't know what to do next. As I mentioned above, H is not doing good at all. He is calling me several times a day crying and stuff, he is a mess. So he called crying again today and he asked to come and talk to me because he didn't know who else he could talk to.
Well I had no expectations what so ever,... Maybe I should have ,.... I was NOT expecting him to ask me for relationship advice!!!
Apparently his GF is sick and depressed, possibly bipolar. So she broke up with him today via text message but says they will still be best friends until she is better, that she is seeing a physocoligist. Blah, blah, blah.
He was telling me how much he cares about her and how badly he wanted it to work out. Umm yeah,...
I told him I can't give him relationship advice. We talked about his job and financial troubles ect. He cried several times and I cried once too.
He said a few times that he just thinks he is still trying to work out what he wants.
I'm a little sad and a little confused but I don't know what to do next.
I want to be there for him but I need to think of me first.
Yikes. You should not be in that position. It's not good for you, in anyway, to let him cry on your shoulder about his GF. Wow.
If he has an IC, tell him that you aren't the best person to help him through this kind of difficulty. You care, but you are not a professional. If he doesn't have an IC, give him a phone number for one to call.
It's not as heartless as it sounds. You have to have boundaries and it is beyond the pale to expect you to be his emotional support system right now. But also, sometimes you are not the best person to help, you are doing more good by encouraging him to get better help.
^^^ What she said. Wow! You're a better woman than I am. I would have gone off on him.
Okay so now I'm confused and I don't know what to do next.
This:
I told him I can't give him relationship advice.
Bravo!!! That was exactly the right thing to tell him IMO.
He said a few times that he just thinks he is still trying to work out what he wants.
Tell him you understand, and that he needs to take time and space to figure things out for himself. Tell him you're doing the same, trying to figure out what you want.
I want to be there for him but I need to think of me first.
Normally you want to be there if the WAS is reaching out, but I don't think that extends to being a sympathetic ear when they want to cry over OP!!!! Seriously, your H needs a good slap across the face, LOL! I'd love to shake him and say "what in the world are you thinking??" Going to your W to whine about the OW breaking up with you is one of the craziest things I've read on these forums
Nah, not so crazy lol!! I get texts when H's GF has gone a bit strange. Nothing for advice, but I always know something's up lol!! I am usually non-committal and don't even reply to them
SS- my H constantly forgets things too...like the next day!! Sounds like your H needs help that you can't give. I told my H that I would say it once only and that he needed professional help and possibly anti depressants because no one feels that way all the time.
Single is good, breathing room is good
"Let it be, let it be"
Thanks everone.
Advina. I did set a boundary about talking about her,., which I had to reinforce tonight. ( ill post about that in a bit.) he is not seeing a IC but is actually considering it,.. Something he has always been dead against.
CV, six months ago, I probably would have,.. This situation really has changed me. I don't want to be an angry, bitter person because of this.
AS, I can't put my finger on exactly what it is but your posts always help so much.
Ruby,.. I think it's crazy,.. I think we just get so used to the crazy that it doesn't seem so crazy anymore lol,.. Does that make sense?
Okay, so I had both H and a friend constantly texting me while I was trying to type the last post, so some of this one is about last night too.
Actually, I think it was the night before last that he was so upset about his financial situation one minute and then showing me all his new purchases on EBay and telling me what he is getting next.
Then last night he was complaining about his job. He got caught doing a few things at work and there were consequences to his actions.
He was telling me how his bosses have just been trying to push him and push him, until he breaks and it worked. He really sees it as them against him and not concerquences to his actions.
I'm can't remember if I already posted this or not but apparently H and his sister came to the conclusion that H was happy with his job because he didn't want to come home to me and now he is unhappy with it because he wants to be home. Nice, huh?
Had a strange experience today,.,
So today after shopping, I was sitting in my parked car, in the car park, trying to work out what to do. I didn't know if I should contact his sister or Mum and tell them about the constant crying ect.,, All of a sudden a song popped in to my head out of no where... "Wispered words of wisdom Let it be, let it be"
Sounds strange but that is what I decided to do and drove off feeling a lot more peaceful.
Seriously, not more than three hours later, I got a text from a good friend who I talk to a lot via text but she lives in the next state, so I don't see very often.
It was a picture of a tattoo she got months ago and kept forgetting to tell me about. The tattoo was three words,... "Let it be" I found that totally trippy, it's like it was a sign. That really is what I need to do "Let it be"
I will be there for him, except concerning OW,.. However I will not interfere in any way, including talking to his family.
So anyway, he called tonight and was here but I was out. I took the kids to a local duck pond to ride their bikes. H met us there. We walked around a few times, then sat on logs while the kids rode their bikes. He was just on his phone for ages, then he said "So I finally got to talk to her today" yeah,... Turns out he was talking about his GF. Turns out she hasent talked to him in days,..
Yeah, right around the time he started calling me crying.
I'm so glad I didn't talk to his family because I now believe, that this whole depressed, crying stuff was about OW, he just didn't want to tell me, until she broke up with him via text!!
Told me how she loves him and they will be best friends until she sorts herself out.
I once again told him but maybe a bit more clearly this time.
I told him, I will still be here for him concerning anything else but his relationship is out of bounds. I told him how I was a mess, how it's only been in the last month that I am okay and I'm not going there. I told him it still hurts to hear these things. It hurts to hear that he wanted to work so many hours, just because he didn't want to come home to me but now he is not with me, he doesn't want to be at work. I told him I thought it was pretty messed up that he was talking to his wife about his girlfriend.
I threw him some truth darts last night about a lot if the good things he forgot about.
Something else occurred to me as well. He keeps coming over to see the kids but yet seems to follow me around. He hasent had the kids overnight for nearly three weeks now due to work, I offered to go home and let him spend some time with them and then he could drop them off, he declined.
It occurred to me, that he just can't for whatever reason, be alone with the kids. He had them alone one weekend and dropped them back really early in the morning, instead of the night. He brought them back and just hung around here.
He also asked why I thought to take the kids there, I have taken the kids there since they were little, he said he knew but he thought I only took the kids there to feed the ducks, not ride. I told him I have taken them there for both. He looked sad and said this is the first time he had been there with them. I told him that's why I used to get frustrated when he was never home.
Thinking back now though, I do remember him coming there maybe twice with us. Oh well.
So basically H is taking up too much of my thoughts again now. It's not up to me to analyse H, or to try to "fix" him or his problems. I can be a listening ear, with exception of OW talk but I need to leave it at that. Plain and simple.
This is all pretty darn messed up.
Wow, thanks to anyone who actually made it through this novel of a post. I appreciate it.
Is it just me or do you think you might just be making yourself too available for him?
Hey ss, I know it's hard but you don't need to keep restating your boundary. That just drags you back into his drama.
When he starts telling you about her, just say something like, I need to go now, bye!
You do sound in a better place.
Yeah, Maybe SS,.. I don't know. I don't answer text ect right away. If I'm busy, ill check it when I get the chance. As for him coming over, I'm not going to stop that. My kids miss their Dad and that's always the reason he says he is coming.... Except for last night when he asked to talk. He has never been one to cry,.. Lately he is constantly crying. I feel that, I would be going against my authentic self, to not be an ear for anyone I care about.
It's about me now, not him,.. Well yeah, him too but me first. I can't and won't talk about OW but all I'm really doing is listening. Pointing out pros and cons but not really giving advice. The only real advice I have given him is to see a IC.
It's just hard finding that middle ground. What do you suggest?
Thanks Bug, I do feel so much better lately and the best part is, even if I "drop" again, this high has lasted quite a while. I can take so much comfort in that.
I won't keep reinstating it but I don't think I'll need to. H looked pretty cut when I said it and i think he knew I ment it. Taking that in to account, plus the fact that OW is talking to him again, I really won't be surprised if I stop hearing from him now. I'm just hoping that it doesn't lead me in to a spin again.
He doesn't get a chance to miss you. You are plan B.
You could say most of us have been/ will be plan B at some stage.
I'm not exactly plan B,.. Not in the bigger picture relationship wise.
I may be plan B friendship wise but I found me!
If H and I do ever get back together, he will have to jump through hoops, sort himself out and prove himself before I'd even consider it.
Miss me or miss me not. If that tiny bit he is getting of me is enough for him, then he is not enough for me anyway. I deserve way better than that and I won't consider anything less anymore.
When is enough, enough? How do you just turn your back on someone who needs your help? I can see how one sided our friendship is. He only calls when he wants something or is lonely. I've felt for many years that I have been his "When there's nothing better to do" why does he still come to me with his troubles? He left me, he got what he wanted,..
I don't even know that man anymore. He has re-written our history to an extent I find scary. He really believes what he says. He has forgotten so much.
He is quiet and reserved,.. At least around me. He will smile here and there but it's half hearted. He has lost his "bounce"
Even down to feeling cold. He has never felt it before, he now seems to feel it excessively. His gone, he doesn't love me, so why can't I let that last little bit go?
It seems he has kept most of his bad parts but done 180 on his good and now it's mostly all bad.
I honestly don't even know of I could take him back. He has done many things that I don't know if I could ever get past. I don't think I could ever really trust him.
He went and got tattoos,.. Which would have been fine, except if we were to start over, they would be constant reminders of this time.
The Beatles Let it be,....
When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me
Shine until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
When is enough, enough? How do you just turn your back on someone who needs your help? I can see how one sided our friendship is. He only calls when he wants something or is lonely. I've felt for many years that I have been his "When there's nothing better to do" why does he still come to me with his troubles? He left me, he got what he wanted...
When is enough, enough?? What is in this for you?
I hope you figure it out and start living for you SS, you are worth a relationship that is reciprocal.
You could say most of us have been/ will be plan B at some stage.
I'm not exactly plan B,.. Not in the bigger picture relationship wise.
I may be plan B friendship wise but I found me!
If H and I do ever get back together, he will have to jump through hoops, sort himself out and prove himself before I'd even consider it.
Miss me or miss me not. If that tiny bit he is getting of me is enough for him, then he is not enough for me anyway. I deserve way better than that and I won't consider anything less anymore.
This is how I feel as well
And sometimes we do what is good for us and sometimes we don't. Hopefully when we don't we realize it.
Being human can really s*ck sometimes lmao
I am plan A friendship wise and Plan B relationship wise (or C or D or...). Also found who I was and that girl is okay with the friendship for now
Okay,.. The question is answered now I think. Enough is enough now.
So H has obviously worked things out with OW and now he is back to not talking to me again. I've tried to talk to him about the children but he is not interested most of the time. He failed to pay his tiny amount if child support last week and didn't even bother to mention it. If he does not make a double payment this week, I will be calling and having them collect it. That will most likely start world war three but oh well. I'll deal with that when it comes.
S8 had his first game of the year on Saturday, H failed to turn up, claiming he had to work but I'm pretty sure he went to OW's S's game instead!!!
I hope so much for S8 that I am wrong because no doubt he will find out if its true.
That's just disgusting in my book.
The arse face had his phones turned off when S8 tried to call him after the game but he called S8 back later. S8 said he got a little bit angry because S8 didn't score enough tries. That's just pathetic!!!
I've decided that I no longer want a one sided friendship. I'm not going to be there when he needs me and ignored when he doesn't.
I won't sacrifice my self for him. It leaves me feeling like crap, so I'm done with it. I won't be there for him anymore.
It's all over, red rover. Done and dusted.
I'm not doing anything anymore that makes me feel like crap.
It's a tough journey but you're doing it.
SS,
Sorry you are in so much pain. It's not easy when your spouse turns their back on you.
I was angry for many months.. consistently.
My advice to you now is to wait on your actions. Actions motivated by pain and anger are usually ones that you regret. In fact - they aren't actions at all.. they are reactions.
Use the anger to move forward... but don't let the anger use you.
Thanks Bug and Val. actually I'm not really in pain or even angry. I was angry about him most likely going to OWs kids game instead of our S but that anger didn't last long. Mostly I'm just sick of him ignoring me and then having the nerve to contact me when he wants something. I'm think I'm just done. He is getting himself further and further in debt and I'm the one left here struggling to pay for all the things our kids need. I'm the one who brought all their back to school stuff. I'm the one who just paid out another $200.00 to the school. I'm struggling to pay the $400 for their sports. I have about 2 weeks until my car will be unregistered. I'm thinking I will be without a car for at least a month.
His $75 a week covers crap! That's like $37.50 a week per child!!
I'm just done dealing with it all. The sad thing is,.. He hasent changed. I just have my rise coloured glasses off now. Honestly I just don't like him much.
I'm stuck in limbo anymore. I'm not standing but I guess the door may possible be closed but not locked. I'm just living my life.
I know I will be in a relationship again,.. Who it's with, I have no idea.
I'm not waiting for him. I'm living my life and I actually really like it for the most part. Just financial stuff is hard to deal with sometimes but where there's a will theres a way.
It's in gods hands now. I'm just living my life and living it.
Hey SS, I totally get where you are coming from, trust me! My H informed me the reason he can't see D's race is that he is driving GF to airport. Now, to give him a break, he did try to change it to day before, since airport is over the border and he did agree a long time ago to drive. BUT, this meant he forgot,again, D's race schedule and I don't agree with his choice which brought me to this:
Isn't my choice-lol!! Not responsible for what he chooses...Was I p*ssed? Yup,. Disappointed? Yup. But it hit me that his life and choices are not mine. Sounds silly because we all preach it all the time, but today I finally understood it and accepted it.
Now I can say to myself, "Do I want someone in my life who makes these kinds of choices?" Can I forgive the choices, forget the choices or decide that this is not who I want in my life? Can I work around this? Does this matter?
I get to ask some cool questions without my glasses and you do too!
I also agree with Valeska, I wanted to write H and say that I am not good with his stupid decision, because I was mad. I let it go for a bit and the above realization hit me. I didn't and am glad because he has to live with decision and D. I mean so do I, but I cannot control what he does. Helps if I look at him as another species sometimes lol!!
So SS what emotions are you feeling? I think it's important to be able to name your feelings, feel them and let them pass. By saying you aren't angry when you may be is what will keep you stuck. Anger isn't a bad thing, acting on it may be but to deny anger or hurt doesn't move us further along. It only mires us in resentment.
It's usually a part of what go us here.
You are worthy of being angry when someone does something that takes advantage of you or your children.
I agree with bug. Go back and read your entries and tell us what emotions stick out to you.
Yes, I was angry, actually I seem red for the first 10 mins or so! Then I was angry for a little longer. I was upset/ hurt, not for me but for my children. They will most likely find out. I did feel these emotions but they really did just wash over me. They didn't really last long. Maybe half an hour in total.
His actions have nothing to do with me. What he says/ does says nothing about me or my children but says everything about him.
It is sad, definitely but it is what it is. As a mother, I would obviously not let my children be subjected to this, if I could prevent it. Unfortunately, in this circumstance, there is nothing I can do, without causing further damage.
All I can do now is sit back and try to pick up the pieces as best I can.
H tells me that no one else knows him like I do,... I feel I don't even know him anymore. So that means no one knows him. Honestly I don't think he knows himself anymore and I've told him that. He agrees with me.
When I see him now, I don't see my husband, I see a stranger. It's actually quite eerie.
So H turned up to S8's match yesterday. He looked like crap!! Lately when I have seen him he has been in baggy work clothes. Yesterday he was in shorts and a shirt. He has lost soo much weight, there is nothing to him!! He was very unshaven and just looked like a bum!! Every time I see him he goes on about being tired and not sleeping. I don't know what is going on with him but its not good.
Well, it's been a while since I posted here. I needed a break away from the site. It was just getting too much, reading all these posts.
I'm doing good though and so are my kids.
H is much the same. He has the kids at Easter, for the first time in over 5 weeks. He took them up there and left them with someone else while him and his girlfriend went out most the night! Then he dropped them back to me at 8:30 Easter morning,..... He spent Easter Day babysitting his GF's kids,.. Nice huh??
Then expected me to take our kids to his family's function.. Hmm
He has a new job up there now and told my son that he can only go to every second football game now because he will be going to his GF's sons, every other weekend. Her son has never played before,.. H put him in this year.
So yeah, basically H is still a d1ck!
I feel better than I have in a long time,.. I'm slowly finding the old me and I like her!! The old me but a lot wiser. The kids are settling great, they are not so fused about H anymore. I find they are better when they don't see him much.
Bring on life!!!
I'm awesome Subguy, Thanks for asking. I know now, That my story here is one of success, Not the kind that is initially hoped for here but the kind that was right for me.
It's been over nine months now, since STBXH left for the final time. It's been one hell of a ride. One that I'm not sure how I would have gotten through, without this site and all the fantastic, wonderful people who post here.
I joined this site a broken woman, One whose life was a living hell. I hurt right down to the very core, My life was all about surviving. I was hanging by a thread, One I thought may break at any given second.
Little did I know My life was changing into something more glorious, than I could have ever imagine. I was being set free.
It wasn't just H leaving. I had a lot of death and suffering happen to close family members and old family pets. It was a very hard, horrid time but the lessons I learnt, The things I realised, The signs I was given are all priceless.
I didn't have a good marriage. STBXH and I just didn't fit. Our core morals and values were just too different, he was toxic for me.
STBXH is still with the same GF. Actually I found a hidden piece of paper a few months ago, One that says that H was in fact with her before he left me. I haven't told him I know, It's irrelevant now. We don't talk these days, unless it is about the kids. I put a stop to that months ago. His GF doesn't like me LOL, he won't talk to me when she is around. He brought her to one of S8's functions last week and they were cuddling and "Showing off" and all I felt was happiness. Happiness, that I am free.
I didn't realise just how unhappy I was in my marriage. I now know what happiness is like again. I know know what it is like to actually let my hair down and enjoy life.
I have a totally new look and it feels so right. I have reconnected with myself again. I'm still single and for the most part, loving it. I have to admit, at times I still long for that intimate connection. Although, that is something I have been longing for, for years. STBXH was not the person my heart desires. I see that now. What I also see is that I would rather be single for the rest of my life, than to be in a relationship, like I had with STBX
My children are great for the most part. There is still some adjusting going on for them but I'll be there to help them through it, every step of the way.
I want to send my deepest, heartfelt thanks and gratitude to all of those wonderful people on here who helped my through my darkest hours, Many of which were going through some of their own darkest days. I honestly don't know how I would have survived without your help. This site was my lifeline. The only place I felt truly comfortable enough to talk so openly and honestly. I really don't think I could ever express, just how grateful I am or how much this site helped me.
I will try to catch up on some of your threads soon.
I still pray for you all and wish you all nothing but love, light and happiness.
S.S-Thank you for this post. Thank you for being you and showing some light.
I too am feeling some light these days. I hope the light gets brighter for me as it seems for you.
Good luck to you and your future! I know you will be happy no matter where you are.
Hugs!
Wow! ss, just wow. You even sound different in writing! Alm and peaceful. I'm so happy for you.
Much happiness to you and your family.
SS, glad to hear you're doing so well
I'm glad you mentioned that your story is a SUCCESSFUL one, because it is, and it's important for people here to hear from others that success doesn't have to mean reconciliation. That's the beauty of DB'ing, we initially do it to save our M, but at some point we realize it's about saving ourselves more than the M. Hopefully in saving ourselves and becoming the spouse only a fool would leave we also end up saving the M, but even if we don't, we have the means to go on to a fantastic life whether with or without our spouse. Congrats
Very happy to read your post SS! Congratulations you have pulled yourself out of he dark and into the bright and beautiful light. Love to you and your family. I wish nothing but great things for your future
I think everyone expressed my thoughts and feelings already in their previous posts. I'm so happy for you! I admit that I was worried for you at one time, but it's so great to hear that you're doing well. And even passed the test of watching the two of them together. I know you loved your H, but I think you can see now what many of us could see that you couldn't.
I expect your story will only keep getting better from here! (((hugs)))
Thanks everyone.
It really means a lot. I was worried for myself there for a bit CV. Scared of what I might do, This place was my sole outlet at the time and I honestly don't know what I would have done without it.
It was such an awesome feeling seeing them together. For a long time, that was one of my worst nightmares, When they time came I actually felt happy.
I did love him very much and still do in a very strange way. It's a totally different love now. It was also our ten year wedding anniversary last month and I felt nothing but peace with the situation.
If someone had told me I would feel like this six months ago, I would have thought they were insane. I know in my heart we were not right for each other. It took me a long time to see it but when he left, he took all the anger and negativity with him.
I had a lot of family members and close friends, who hoped we would end up getting back together but they have since changed their minds. They can see how much happier, clearer and peaceful I am now.
Definitely a success AS.