Mods: I'm posting my storage again because my initial post hasn't been approved yet; I think maybe the forum ate it? Sorry for the dupe.
Hi all. I just finished reading DB and DR and I thought I would join and get the help of this forum. The BD happened to me at the beginning of the year. My W moved in with her parents and filed about a week later. She says there isn't anyone else. There isn't much contact now, mainly text and the occasional phonecall. I did everything MWD says not to do at first, before I read the book. Now I'm trying to GAL, 180, and hope she changes her mind.
I had been depressed and emotionally and physically absent for much of our marriage. We had a lot of external issues: money/jobs, sick/dying relatives, etc. No kids. She just had a major milestone birthday, so I think some of this may be MLC stuff.
The funny thing is that I was planning on turning over a new leaf on the first, but I guess maybe it's too late?
Anyway, I hope you guys can share some advice and encouragement. I'd do anything to get my wife back. How can the DB tactics work when you're already living in different locations and don't have kids to force the occasional contact?
Thanks,
Lefty
Welcome to the board
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Most of us lose weight after BD.
You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power
You mean my W, right?
Now I'm trying to GAL, 180, and hope she changes her mind.
And she might, but don't expect it to be sudden. Prepare for a long haul ahead.
I had been depressed and emotionally and physically absent for much of our marriage. We had a lot of external issues: money/jobs, sick/dying relatives, etc. No kids. She just had a major milestone birthday, so I think some of this may be MLC stuff.
If you were depressed and emotionally and physically absent then it's probably not MLC. She's probably been planning on leaving for quite a while.
The funny thing is that I was planning on turning over a new leaf on the first, but I guess maybe it's too late?
I'm not sure what you were waiting for, but it's never too late to turn over a new leaf. What have you done about the depression? That's not something you can normally resolve on your own. Get help, and do it for you.
How can the DB tactics work when you're already living in different locations and don't have kids to force the occasional contact?
Well, having minimal contact can actually be a benefit. The idea is to give your W time and space. Don't contact her at all. If she contacts you then it's OK to respond, but don't initiate contact.
I have begun eating correctly, exercising, adjusted my medications (with my doctor), and have begun seeing a therapist. I was planning on doing the first three even before my W left. One of my parents died less than two months before the BD, so I was indeed wallowing before that.
How can the DB tactics work when you're already living in different locations and don't have kids to force the occasional contact?
Well, having minimal contact can actually be a benefit. The idea is to give your W time and space. Don't contact her at all. If she contacts you then it's OK to respond, but don't initiate contact.
And what about the looming Valentine's Day? I understand the principles of DBing, but wouldn't ignoring her and withdrawing be more of the same rather than a 180?
I'm not sure what you were waiting for, but it's never too late to turn over a new leaf. What have you done about the depression? That's not something you can normally resolve on your own. Get help, and do it for you.
I have! I'm going to a therapist, adjusted my meds with my doctor, and am going to the gym five nights a week (lifting weights and cardio). So far I've lost 30 lbs since the BD.
How can the DB tactics work when you're already living in different locations and don't have kids to force the occasional contact?
Well, having minimal contact can actually be a benefit. The idea is to give your W time and space. Don't contact her at all. If she contacts you then it's OK to respond, but don't initiate contact. [/quote]
This is going to be so hard. It feels like she's already over me. She doesn't even text or email, much less call.
What does everyone recommend I do regarding Valentine's Day?
What does everyone recommend I do regarding Valentine's Day?
Sigh....
What do you think that you should do ???
I assume the standard DB advice would be to do nothing, but since one of her complaints was that we were more like friends than husband and wife, I'm torn.
Hey Lefty,
If you feel you have to....how about a simple text? Really simple, like "Happy Valentines Day" period.
HUGS
Hey Lefty,
If you feel you have to....how about a simple text? Really simple, like "Happy Valentines Day" period.
HUGS
Ayup.....
That is what I was thinking too...
; )
Most WAS are "dis-enchanted" with love, or so they say..
Most will call it a "Hallmark Holiday" ..
The LBS is the last person that they want something from, on a money making holiday, that is about Love..
Too many reminders of what once was...
Keep it simple if you feel the need.
Keep it light, and do NOT expect anything in return....
You mean my W, right?
YUP - where is that edit button when you need it?
I guess I forgot to use the preview post....
Now I'm trying to GAL, 180, and hope she changes her mind.
At the beginning of my sitch I was "hoping" my wife would change her mind. That was probably the natural reaction mindset for me at the beginning. I look at it very differently now and don't obsess about the outcome. Although reconcilation is what I ultimately want. Where I'm at now is realizing this is a long duration, I'll have a happy and fulfilling life regardless if we come back together or not, and W and I are completely starting over rebuilding our connections/relationship. If I focus on the outcome I might miss some positive steps forward. I believe I have experienced positive steps forward but they are small steps forward. This is a long journey of small steps and rebuilding for W and I. I have no expectations in the outcome.
I had been depressed and emotionally and physically absent for much of our marriage. We had a lot of external issues: money/jobs, sick/dying relatives, etc. No kids. She just had a major milestone birthday, so I think some of this may be MLC stuff.
You indicated you don't have much contact now so you do have time. Plenty of time to GAL. But also,time to think about how things are from your wife's perspective. Try to understand how things might have been from her view. She has probably said things to you that give an idea of her view. Be sympathetic and compassionate towards her view. But also understand your view of the relationship. On the limited occassions you do get together with her really listen to understand what she is saying. Pay attention. Don't think about what your response will be.
The funny thing is that I was planning on turning over a new leaf on the first, but I guess maybe it's too late?
You still can turn over a new leaf. More important than ever now. For yourself.
Anyway, I hope you guys can share some advice and encouragement. I'd do anything to get my wife back. How can the DB tactics work when you're already living in different locations and don't have kids to force the occasional contact?
The DB methods will work because you will be working on you. Making you a better you regardless of the outcome. Changing, improving, learning, growing for yourself. Your W will notice. Mine has, she has told me so. It just takes time.
How can the DB tactics work when you're already living in different locations and don't have kids to force the occasional contact?
I posted this on your thread over on "The Do A 180 Workshop" forum, but thought maybe I'd move it over here for you to consider:
The 180's that are meaningful and consistently applied will stick. And the rare occasion when you see or communicate with your spouse, it will be evident that some change has occurred. And the interest will grow. And that is how they work. But, remember the 180's are really for you and not your spouse. Do them because they are the right thing to do to make you a better person. The added benefit is if your spouse finds the changes appealing and believable.
Make sense?
Separation and divorce in the age of Facebook is the worst. My wife has already reverted to her maiden name. I try not to snoop, but I still occasionally see her comment on a mutual friend's page. I know people say WAWs typically waver in their feelings, but I sure haven't seen any wavering from her.
Looking forward to my gym session today.
Separation and divorce in the age of Facebook is the worst. My wife has already reverted to her maiden name. I try not to snoop, but I still occasionally see her comment on a mutual friend's page. I know people say WAWs typically waver in their feelings, but I sure haven't seen any wavering from her.
Looking forward to my gym session today.
I agree, lots of little things written/commented here and there can drive you crazy if you let your imagination runaway with you.
[em]journaling[/em]
It's been nearly five weeks since I've seen my wife. I haven't talked to her in several weeks, been nearly a week since we exchanged texts. She filed 9 days after the BD. She's changed her name already on her Internet accounts. She has dating profiles on websites. Now that I'm moved out of our old place, I have more time to dwell on things and regrets.
Today, her paralegal called to set up an appointment to talk about the settlement. We don't have many assets, so we're doing this without lawyers. In fact, she has very few assets that she brought to the marriage and is taking few with her on the way out. I guess that's how badly she wants me out of her life.
I didn't think the appointment to discuss the settlement would bother me as much as it does. It'll be the first time I see her since she walked out. I wonder if she'll notice all the weight I've dropped. I'm going to do my hardest to follow the DB principles and act as-if. It's just so damn hard. I never thought we would be at this point.
At one point, before I found DB and was trying to plead/reason/etc., she said this is the way she feels now and she doesn't know how she'll feel in a month or two months, but I really fear her resolve is growing stronger. In my state, it becomes final when you go before the court 6 months after the file, and I'm really dreading that date. So many other people here have been S for months and still haven't filed, but it feels like she is really rushing this through.
I've lost so much weight my wedding band fits again, so I've started wearing it again. I plan to wear it until that day the court says we are longer married. I wonder if she will notice and what she will think of it.
Lefty
In all my time spent on this forum, I have not seen it suggested that wearing your wedding band is a good idea.
I have also not seen it do anyone any good to worry about what their spouse thinks. It is a waste of time. The focus should be on you.
If you have lost a lot of weight, then yes, who wouldn't notice. Again what does it matter?
In all my time spent on this forum, I have not seen it suggested that wearing your wedding band is a good idea.
I am wearing it for myself. Do you mean it is a bad idea or just not likely to make a difference?
I have also not seen it do anyone any good to worry about what their spouse thinks. It is a waste of time. The focus should be on you.
Well, the goal her is R, is it not? How can it not matter what my W thinks? I am trying to focus on myself in the respect of taking care of myself, improving myself, and such.
If you have lost a lot of weight, then yes, who wouldn't notice. Again what does it matter?
You seem pretty fatalistic. I was just expressing my concerns and fears.
"eyes open" is further down the road than you are and he's just stating facts, as he has already experienced all of what he reads in your posts.
We see thousands of posts from H's who have said the same thing you are saying. It's been stated that a WAW speaks from "script" (or so it seems) b/c they say the same things! It's as if they are reading the same lines. But I have come to learn that the LBH'S do the very same thing!!! So, if we sound a bit short in a response, it is certainly not from a lack of concern, or even hope. I know I don't write the long post that I once did when I was knew here. Sometimes, one just wants to skip to the part that says, "here's what doesn't work, so forget doing it". We somehow hope it will save the LBS precious time.......and maybe even some pain....if that's possible.
Great post, sandi and so true.
As far as the ring goes, I wore mine for a long time because I wanted to, it stood for something. Then one day i didn't want ot anymore.
Do what works for you.
"eyes open" is further down the road than you are and he's just stating facts, as he has already experienced all of what he reads in your posts.
I don't mean to sound fatalistic, and sandi is right I am further along the path. You are correct as well in saying that the goal here is r. I believe the only way is to change yourself. I would be lying if I said I didn't wonder what my w is thinking, although I know it doesn't really matter until she tells me. So I do everything I can to focus on myself. It will take all your energy to dig deep and make the changes that you want. So try your hardest to not waste the energy focusing on her. I wish you all the luck in the world!
We do not recommend no taking your ring off. It could send a finite signal to your spouse. However what may be worse is a back and forth signal. If you do take it off, wait til your spouse shows a move towards you before putting it back on.
We do not recommend taking your ring off. It could send a finite signal to your spouse. However what may be worse is a back and forth signal. If you do take it off, wait til your spouse shows a move towards you before putting it back on.
Corrected
We do not recommend taking your ring off. It could send a finite signal to your spouse. However what may be worse is a back and forth signal. If you do take it off, wait til your spouse shows a move towards you before putting it back on.
Corrected
I had not been wearing it for a while prior to the BD because of my weight gain. Since the BD, I've lost weight and it fits again so I have started wearing it again.
I meet with my W and the paralegal tomorrow. It's the first time I will have seen her since the BD (5 weeks ago). Any advice? I don't even know how to greet her? Hug? Handshake? Jeez, what a horrible situation this is.
On the plus side, I went on a wonderful 3.7 mile walk across some hilly terrain yesterday. Saw some incredible vistas. Tonight it's the gym after work.
Well, there was a "schedule conflict" and the meeting was postponed. I'm obligated to file my response to her petition soon. Had a good workout at the gym tonight.
I'm feeling really adrift today. Valentine's Day is coming up, I have to file my response to her petition this week, and all my friends seem to be out of touch. Even this thread seems to get ignored lately.
I'm going out after work to run some errands and buy some new clothes. Trying to keep a PMA, but it's really hard today.
Some days are just harder. First holidays, Anniversaries, BDay's etc. I found doing things that would distract me were the most helpful.
The gym is great, do you have a dog? Do you like them?
I do urban walking groups when I get the chance (through meet up). It isn't a dating thing so there is no pressure, you just sign up for the things you like to do.
Hang in there.
HUGS
[quote]
I meet with my W and the paralegal tomorrow. It's the first time I will have seen her since the BD (5 weeks ago). Any advice? I don't even know how to greet her? Hug? Handshake?
I would just stand back and let her initiate. If she holds her hand out then shake it, if she reaches for a hug then hug her back, if she does nothing then do nothing. 5 weeks from BD is a very, very short time, it's much too soon to try to start pushing for physical contact of any kind. Good luck!
[
Some days are just harder. First holidays, Anniversaries, BDay's etc. I found doing things that would distract me were the most helpful.
The gym is great, do you have a dog? Do you like them?
Yeah, I try and keep very busy when I'm not at work, but it's a slow day at work today and my mind is just racing. I love dogs, but I don't have one right now and don't see myself being in a place to have one for sometime.
I would just stand back and let her initiate.
That's pretty much what I figured I should do. Now I just need to see when this meeting will be rescheduled.
Thank you for the replies!
You are not being ignored here, but the more active you are on the board, usually the more responses you'll have.
Don't sweat Valentines Day! It's just a day on the calendar that markets try to make money by telling you what you should be doing.....and thus, spend money. You do not need to acknowledge her as your sweetheart when she's filing D papers. I mean, how pursuing would that be!
Too bad you aren't in a position to get a dog. Mine is such a doofus, but I love that beast.
My youngest D will graduate from HS in a few months so, as my D's move on in their lives, I have company.
he is quite the couch hog though
My wife said she is going out of town this weekend. I'm panicking here and my mind is running away with all sorts of bad scenarios. I think there is a OM. If there is, I don't know that I could forgive her but I don't want to give up on our marriage either. Help!
Breathe.
You don't know what's going on and you do not have to decide anything right this second.
I used to just spin over every little thing. If I slippped I was convinced that was it, it was over, done, fini.
Hope is a funny thing and I think there are two basic camps:
Nietzche: "Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man”
~Friedrich Nietzsche
and
Dickinson:
"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul - and sings the tunes without the words - and never stops at all."
~Emily Dickinson
Only you can decide what you believe about it. 10 years ago I would have told you I believed the former. It took the mess that became my life to teach me otherwise.
It doesn't matter which you believe, it's all about dicovering what lies at the heart of you. Who are you .....really?
So, remember, you don't know what you don't know and the scenario stuff will make you crazy.
HUGS
Another thing this all taught me....
I do not have to make instant decisions about anything. I know it feels like it is life or death, but in truth the more time you give yourself and her, the better off you are.
And trust me when I tell you, this is all about you.
When your decisions come from a place of peace and calm, you are in the right place. Until then, just hang in there.
I know people say WAWs typically waver in their feelings, but I sure haven't seen any wavering from her.
Most of her "wavering" was probably before she left and moved in with her parents.
My wife said she is going out of town this weekend. I'm panicking here and my mind is running away with all sorts of bad scenarios. I think there is a OM. If there is, I don't know that I could forgive her but I don't want to give up on our marriage either. Help!
Why do you think she has another man? Have you seen signs that pointed to OM?
Did indicate her plans, or just tell you she's going out of town? If you haven't seen her in five weeks, why would she contact you to tell you about her weekend? Or.....did you ask her out for Valentines?\
I wish men could get over the idea they have to do something simply b/c of commercial pressure. If it was not on the calendar, would you feel worried over the 14th? And now....there's a possibility she's going to see OM. How do you think she'd receive a valentine from the man she wants to D? When I see a LBH giving
anything to his WAW on Valentines Day (who has filed for D.....and/or seeing a possible OM) as rather inappropriate, but that's just me.
So, let's get back to the weekend. You said you didn't know if you could forgive her if there is OM. You need to make up your mind about forgiving her or not. B/c if you can't forgive.....then there is no point of being here. If you can't forgive her, then your next step is to sign the D papers and move on with your life.
I'm saying this as a matter of fact, and I apologize if it comes across as sounding cold. But I want to get your attention. Whenever you have a spouse that leaves the M.....
SOMEBODY better get ready to do a whole lot of forgiving!! And I learned that it goes both ways, so
nobody gets out of the act of forgiveness if you want to reconcile the M.Why didn't you continue to see the counselor with your W? Has there been infidelity in the past?
And now....there's a possibility she's going to see OM. How do you think she'd receive a valentine from the man she wants to D? When I see a LBH giving anything to his WAW on Valentines Day (who has filed for D.....and/or seeing a possible OM) as rather inappropriate, but that's just me.
Sandi, it's not just you.
Starsky
Breathe.
You don't know what's going on and you do not have to decide anything right this second.
True.
I used to just spin over every little thing. If I slippped I was convinced that was it, it was over, done, fini.
That's me, also. I'm always really hard on myself.
Nietzche: "Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man”
~Friedrich Nietzsche
I definitely subscribe to that one, but I'm trying to think more like Dickinson.
So, remember, you don't know what you don't know and the scenario stuff will make you crazy.
So true. It's so hard not to look at her Facebook profile, but I've been good.
Why do you think she has another man? Have you seen signs that pointed to OM?
Yes, the day of the BD, I saw an inappropriate text on her phone. She said it was just joking with an old friend and admitted it was inappropriate. She has repeatedly said there is no one else. She has active profiles on several dating sites now.
Did indicate her plans, or just tell you she's going out of town? If you haven't seen her in five weeks, why would she contact you to tell you about her weekend? Or.....did you ask her out for Valentines?
We have been trying to get together with her paralegal to discuss the settlement agreement. She cancelled the one that was scheduled for this week. I had texted her to ask if she would endorse the apartment deposit refund check that she said previously I could have so I could cash it. She said no, asked me to handle it through the paralegal, and said I need to get my stuff out of our storage unit within two weeks. Again, this is something I have been willing to do, but she keeps putting it off. I asked her if this weekend would be good and said she was going out of town this weekend.
I don't think I'll even be sending a text this Valentine's Day, but I may need to serve her my response to her petition due to the timelimit. I regret that.
I think I could forgive her if she could apologize for any PA or EA. I don't think she can forgive me for what I did to bring it to this point.
Why didn't you continue to see the counselor with your W? Has there been infidelity in the past?
I've never seen a counselor with my W. I'm willing, she's not. I've never been physically or emotionally unfaithful with her. Prior to last month, I never even suspected she could entertain the idea herself. I was just emotionally absent and physically withdrawn for much of our marriage.
I think I could forgive her if she could apologize for any PA or EA. I don't think she can forgive me for what I did to bring it to this point.
The thing about forgiveness is that it isn't really for the other person as much as it is for you. At some point you need to be able to forgive her for her flaws and limitations and forgive
yourself for the same.
If you never get an apology, what does that mean for you?
I think I could forgive her if she could apologize for any PA or EA. I don't think she can forgive me for what I did to bring it to this point.
The thing about forgiveness is that it isn't really for the other person as much as it is for you. At some point you need to be able to forgive her for her flaws and limitations and forgive
yourself for the same.
If you never get an apology, what does that mean for you?
Assuming we don't reconcile, it doesn't mean much. Makes it easier to move on, I guess. If we tried to reconcile, it would make it a lot, lot harder.
I've never seen a counselor with my W
Oh, sorry.
She has active profiles on several dating sites now.
Good news is...she may not be in an A where she thinks he's ready to walk down the aisle with her b/c they're so in loooooove. Bad news is....she's
looking and making it known she's
available.
My suggestion is to make plans to be busy on the 14th and
not be available to answer any of her TM or calls. In fact, get out of the house all weekend and find something to do that you haven't done in a long time. Something that has no connection to
her (her relatives, her friends, etc.). Do something that will help get your blood flowing and put some life back into your soul.
I'm so sorry that you are facing this situation and feeling so much pain. It is important that you take very good care of yourself....physically, emotionally, spiritually. Whatever you enjoy that gives you
inspiration....get it. Keep getting it, b/c you've just lost a parent....and that much alone can throw you into serious depression. Since you already have problems with depression, please do whatever you can do to get better.
Good news is...she may not be in an A where she thinks he's ready to walk down the aisle with her b/c they're so in loooooove. Bad news is....she's looking and making it known she's available.
When I called her on it (prior to reading DB & DR) she said a friend reactivated and updated for them for her and that she hardly uses them. Even my credulity has limits, though.
My suggestion is to make plans to be busy on the 14th and not be available to answer any of her TM or calls. In fact, get out of the house all weekend and find something to do that you haven't done in a long time. Something that has no connection to her (her relatives, her friends, etc.). Do something that will help get your blood flowing and put some life back into your soul.
I don't anticipate her calling or texting. It's hard to do something that has no connection to her because I'm in a small town. After work Thursday, I have a therapy appointment that day. That weekend, I'll probably go on a couple of long hikes on trails that we never walked together.
I'm so sorry that you are facing this situation and feeling so much pain. It is important that you take very good care of yourself....physically, emotionally, spiritually. Whatever you enjoy that gives you inspiration....get it. Keep getting it, b/c you've just lost a parent....and that much alone can throw you into serious depression. Since you already have problems with depression, please do whatever you can do to get better.
Thank you so much for the kind words. Physically, I'm taking better care of myself than I have in YEARS. I can look in the mirror without loathing what I see now. The other two are harder. I'm really beating myself up for treating the most precious thing in the world to me so poorly. But the new prescriptions really seem to help. I'm trying to focus on finding a new job, but my sector is so slow at hiring. So frustrating!
So my wife just filed a false police report against me alleging DV.
Wow. That sux. If you have a lawyer go see them. If you don't, get one.
Aside from the fact that you don't want that on your record, it can make a big difference in asset disposition. A spouse claimng DV can be awarded up to 100% of the marital assets in the case of DV. In Cali anyway.
HUGS
Sounds as if she intends to play dirty. I agree about getting a lawyer.....NOW. Don't put it off b/c you may need him at a minutes notice....like in your one call from jail.
Don't leave us hanging. What's been happening?
No change or news to report. She is still incommunicado.
So it looks like the D is picking up steam and there's not much I can do other than let it run its course. I'm going to miss this place but I'm not sure if there's a place for me here anymore since I am no longer DBing.
Seeing my wife for the first time in over two months next week in court. Dreading it.
As long as you want the support, there is a place here for you.
Survived today. I still can't practice any DB tactics except for GAL and LRT. She has shown no interest in talking with me outside of court. Still longing for reconciliation.
Am I stupid for still wanting to reconcile in light of the false accusations? Is anyone still reading this?
(BTW: I do have a lawyer.)
If you post more frequently, even just to journal, you'll get more participation.
I'd journal more, but I'm already worried about this being found. I guess I could try to focus more on what I am doing rather than talking about my W. What is the etiquette about posting frequency here? I don't want to be obnoxious.
Journaling:
It's been over nine weeks since the bomb drop. Very little contact with the STBX over this time, none in in the past month or so. My family doesn't understand why I am not furious over her actions, particularly the false DV charges and temporary RO. To be honest, neither am I.
I've lost fifty pounds since the BD. Weight loss has slowed down the past few weeks, but I think that is due to muscle gain because my clothes continue to get baggier. I lift weight three days a week without fail and do cardio five days a week. I've just gotten involved with a local non-profit as a social media consultant. I'm also thinking of volunteering again at a local museum, but am hesitant because the W used to volunteer with me there. Thinking of becoming active again at my fraternal order, but hesitant because that's where we were M'd.
Visited a friend and his family a few hours away a couple of weeks ago. Had a great time and fell in love with the area where he lived. I used to live near there and would like to move back maybe in the future.
Reading a lot of self-help books and seeing a therapist weekly. Listening to music (instrumentals only right now, it seems most of my collection is either sad song or love song or both) and podcasts. Watching a few movies, but not many.
I had to get a lawyer because of the reasons mentioned above. The W first found out about this at court hearing this week. Said she was surprised by the lawyer to the judge; not sure what she expected me to do; her claims could wreck my career. Not sure if she is doing it because she actually believes it, because she wants to push me away, because she wants to hurt me, or because she thinks it will give her an advantage in the settlement. Still cannot talk to her at all. Disappointed she has no interest in it, considering she said she thought we were great friends after the BD.
She was behind me on part of the drive home after court. I noticed she is smoking again. She smoked when we first met and had quit not long after we started going out. Odd. (And gross.)
I was doing pretty good I thought until the hearing. It was the first time I had seen her since the BD and stirred a lot of emotions up. It's really hard for me to let go and detach. I feel so much guilt for this divorce; I feel like it is 90% my fault and it is hard to forgive myself.
Feeling pretty abandoned this week; a friend was supposed to meet me after my hearing but did not show. My therapist said he would call after but did not. When I talked with my sister over the text, she asked more about our other sister (who she doesn't speak to) and her hospital stay than she did about my sitch.
I have gym tonight and some D paperwork I need to return to my L, then therapy tomorrow evening. Sad that my W and I are forbidden to communicate until July as it stands. The D will be finalized by then. So it goes.
Not much new here. Been working out religiously and went on a long, beautiful hike on Saturday and enjoyed the sunshine on a coffeeshop patio on Sunday. Dropping off a financial statement for my lawyer this afternoon.
Finally broke through a small plateau for my weightloss. Now I'm only 12 pounds away from my first reward treat--skydiving!
Still trying not to think about the W. Miss her so much.
Sounds like you're doing great all things considered. Nice job on the GAL activities
Of course you're going to miss W, but just keep pushing forward with your life, you'll eventually get to the point where you don't just think but you KNOW you'll be OK whether you continue on with or without her. Sometimes that can be a pivotal time that starts attracting the WAS back to the LBS, but regardless, you'll come out a better/ stronger person!
Thanks for the reply!
Yeah, I honestly think that if it weren't for my wife being out of my life, I could say this is the happiest and most well-adjusted I've been in years. Like you said, the next trick is to get the point where I KNOW in my heart that I'll be okay with or without her. Right now, I'm just faking it til I make it.
Without any contact, I wonder how she could be attracted back. I guess I just need to have faith in the process.
-Lefty
Without any contact, I wonder how she could be attracted back. I guess I just need to have faith in the process.
The WAS tends to rewrite history and convince themselves that every single problem in their life, both great and small, are because of the LBS and if only they can get the LBS out of their life then it will free them up to live the amazing, fantastic, fun-filled extravaganza that they've been wanting to live for years. But more often than not, when the LBS is removed through separation and going dark, the WAS suddenly discovers that their fantasy life isn't there for the taking after all. It's a rude awakening to discover they STILL have to pay bills, STILL have to vacuum and do laundry and balance the checkbook and go to work and go grocery shopping and get the oil changed in the car, etc. etc. and most shockingly of all, there is not a line of Fabio lookalikes standing outside their door waiting to sweep them into a deep, romantic embrace. The skies are NOT filled with rainbows and unicorns and there are NOT rivers of chocolate on the ground flowing around money trees. In short, the WAS often discovers that their unhappiness is not due to their LBS after all, it's something they're carrying with them. So then they have to wrestle with that demon. They have to find out what happiness is to them, what it means to them, and where to go from there. Hopefully at this stage they start remembering that they had GOOD times with the LBS too. The fog starts lifting. Then they start thinking what if. What if the LBS isn't the enemy? What if the LBS really has changed? What if life could be enjoyable with this new and improved LBS? What if they wait too long, could they lose the LBS?
This is the WAS's journey. The only way the LBS can help is to get out of the way, to give the WAS time and space to follow this path. THAT is how the process works
Without any contact, I wonder how she could be attracted back. I guess I just need to have faith in the process.
The WAS tends to rewrite history and convince themselves that every single problem in their life, both great and small, are because of the LBS and if only they can get the LBS out of their life then it will free them up to live the amazing, fantastic, fun-filled extravaganza that they've been wanting to live for years. But more often than not, when the LBS is removed through separation and going dark, the WAS suddenly discovers that their fantasy life isn't there for the taking after all. It's a rude awakening to discover they STILL have to pay bills, STILL have to vacuum and do laundry and balance the checkbook and go to work and go grocery shopping and get the oil changed in the car, etc. etc. and most shockingly of all, there is not a line of Fabio lookalikes standing outside their door waiting to sweep them into a deep, romantic embrace. The skies are NOT filled with rainbows and unicorns and there are NOT rivers of chocolate on the ground flowing around money trees. In short, the WAS often discovers that their unhappiness is not due to their LBS after all, it's something they're carrying with them. So then they have to wrestle with that demon. They have to find out what happiness is to them, what it means to them, and where to go from there. Hopefully at this stage they start remembering that they had GOOD times with the LBS too. The fog starts lifting. Then they start thinking what if. What if the LBS isn't the enemy? What if the LBS really has changed? What if life could be enjoyable with this new and improved LBS? What if they wait too long, could they lose the LBS?
This is the WAS's journey. The only way the LBS can help is to get out of the way, to give the WAS time and space to follow this path. THAT is how the process works
This is a brilliant summary and very helpful to my own sitch...
Too often I think nothing is changing but then when I really look I see baby steps. Ie. wife staying today for a coffee instead of just dropping S off and leaving ASAP.
I have started to look at this as a journey; a journey in which the outcome is unsure but one which gives me plenty of time to improve myself.
Without any contact, I wonder how she could be attracted back. I guess I just need to have faith in the process.
The WAS tends to rewrite history and convince themselves that every single problem in their life, both great and small, are because of the LBS and if only they can get the LBS out of their life then it will free them up to live the amazing, fantastic, fun-filled extravaganza that they've been wanting to live for years. But more often than not, when the LBS is removed through separation and going dark, the WAS suddenly discovers that their fantasy life isn't there for the taking after all. It's a rude awakening to discover they STILL have to pay bills, STILL have to vacuum and do laundry and balance the checkbook and go to work and go grocery shopping and get the oil changed in the car, etc. etc. and most shockingly of all, there is not a line of Fabio lookalikes standing outside their door waiting to sweep them into a deep, romantic embrace. The skies are NOT filled with rainbows and unicorns and there are NOT rivers of chocolate on the ground flowing around money trees. In short, the WAS often discovers that their unhappiness is not due to their LBS after all, it's something they're carrying with them. So then they have to wrestle with that demon. They have to find out what happiness is to them, what it means to them, and where to go from there. Hopefully at this stage they start remembering that they had GOOD times with the LBS too. The fog starts lifting. Then they start thinking what if. What if the LBS isn't the enemy? What if the LBS really has changed? What if life could be enjoyable with this new and improved LBS? What if they wait too long, could they lose the LBS?
This is the WAS's journey. The only way the LBS can help is to get out of the way, to give the WAS time and space to follow this path. THAT is how the process works
Very well said. My (mind-reading ;)) therapist thinks that she still cares but is scared, and that's why she's done some of the things she has done. He's a good therapist who believes in trying to save marriages, but he concurs that I need to focus on myself right now and give it time. It's almost as if he has read DR.
Like I said, I'm trying to trust the process.
Not much new here, still focusing on GAL: gym, reading, volunteering. I'm particularly looking forward to a volunteer job tomorrow. Therapy tonight. Tired of the mental real estate the STBX is taking up. Feeling a bit more anger and resentment than usual in the past few days.
-Lefty
I think I'm ready to give up on this.
Lefty, I had the exact same thought last night. But woke up this morning and it is a new day. I am going to keep with it. Keep your head up.
Lefty, I had the exact same thought last night. But woke up this morning and it is a new day. I am going to keep with it. Keep your head up.
I'm trying, Grizz. (Do you know Dot-Com? (30 Rock reference))
It's rough for me; my situation is unique even among DBers. (Shorter marriage, no kids, wife making an ugly divorce, can't even talk to her if I wanted to.) I feel like I can't contribute to others' threads because my sitch is so different.
This is just how I feel now. And I feel angry and hurt that I am so disposable to her. Maybe that is mindreading, but that's how I feel.
What I DO appreciate is that this place respects the sanctity of marriage and is not misogynist or misandrist. A lot of places on the web are notorious for advising everybody to "dump the [censored]" or revel in putting the screws to their spouse and spraying hate everywhere. This place is so much better, and everybody here deserves props.
Well, today is a new day and I'm still okay with giving up on this. I've just become so upset with the non-stop vindictiveness I've been on the receiving end of since this began, I really don't see any possibility of reconciliation. I'm okay with this. She obviously was not the person I thought she was.
I'm still going to hang around here and post though, because this forum is pretty great and I'm still trying to better myself.
Sometimes I get the feeling I'm talking to myself here.
I'm trying, Grizz. (Do you know Dot-Com? (30 Rock reference))
Ha!
You're not alone.
And you're not done yet.
And I feel angry and hurt that I am so disposable to her. Maybe that is mindreading, but that's how I feel.Your feelings are yours and they're valid. You also have the ability to turn that around.
The ability to turn that around? Do you mean the disposability part or the part where I care?
My SBTX just added my sister as contact on Pandora. She now lists her location as a city at the other end of the state. Why would she do that? Does Pandora have some sort of auto-friend function or something?
Why don't my posts get any responses?
Does anyone else worry about oversharing here and what their spouse or SBTX would do if they knew?
Can someone please talk to me? What am I doing wrong that I am not getting responses? Is my sitch that hopeless?
Lefty... I am unsure of Pandora, thats why I didn't answer... Don't know what that is.
I don't worry about oversharing because my h doesn't know much about computers.
What else do you need help with?
Well, I wonder if there is any hope for reconciliation. My W hasn't talked to me since January. Since then she made a false accusation to the police and she filed for a restraining order. (It's a long story, but she thinks I sent people to harass her at work and it is NOT true.) I guess all I can do is GAL and keep a PMA, but it is so hard to keep a PMA in this sitch. Has anyone ever heard of a M come back from a sitch like this?
Also, does anyone have any tips for letting go of the guilt for being a terrible husband and for letting go of the hurt of being given up on?
Start with forgiving yourself for being a 'terrible' husband. Make a personal decision to be different.
As for the hurt, it does fade away with time. Forgiving your W for giving up can help with that...it isn't easy, but time does heal wounds
I have made a decision to be different, and I think I have made some real and significant changes, but I still cannot forgive myself for ruining the best things that happened to me. It is frustrating that my W is not around to see the changes. Hell, I was about to make these changes right before the BD.
It seems like it very difficult to balance forgiving oneself and forgiving one's spouse. Many people just settle on blaming the spouse, and I cannot in good conscience do that. But I recognize it doesn't do any good to browbeat myself. Still, it is difficult to just shrug your shoulders and chalk it up to a learning experience.
I guess I should mention this is all probably muddled up with the death of my father six weeks prior to BD.
Three months since BD today. Seems like a lifetime ago.
I know I've been given a gift of time, but I wonder if it's really on my side. Ah well, gotta keep on GAL and making changes. FOR ME, right?
LC... beating yourself up over what has happened is pointless. It diminishes the very positive changes you have made.
From my own journey, I had to forgive myself because it was eating me up inside. It was filling me with even more anger than I was carrying. it is a dead weight I sure don't need to tote with me. Forgiving my W was not as hard as I thought it was going to be.
I came to the conclusion that does it really matter who did what to who when? Does it matter whether she threw a five pound bomb and I was only lobbing one pounders back? I figured we both contributed to the marriage to what made it what is today. Good and bad contributions.
Unburdening yourself from your guilt with true forgiveness will do for soul what the weight loss has done for your body! BTW... WTG for the weight loss. I lost 50 pounds last year... I know how hard it is to do.
Funny thing, my first wife approached me a year after our D was finalized... after having two children with OM (one while we were still married)... and saw the changes I had made in my life... she actually called me to talk about a R... Funny how stuff happens.
Keep the faith, brother...
Leftcoast
You and I both can over analyze everything that we could have /should have done .....we seem to be great at that.
What are you afraid of?
I was so afraid that my W was having a affair- she is
I am so afraid my wife will leave me - she has
I am so afaid that i wont be a good single dad - one day at a time
Remember- if/when your wife comes back it wont be the same. She needs to like the different you and you need to like the different her.
You and your wife are both finding yourselves- take the time to do it right. You and I BOTH need to stop waiting for them to come back. Im counting down hours (look at my thread:() We need to get out and take a look around and maybe just maybe have a little fun
This [censored]- Im with you........remember- do whats right for YOU!
Thank you so much for the reply, Positivespin!
What am I afraid of?
I'm afraid my wife was having an affair (emotional or physical). She said she wasn't.
I'm afraid my wife will leave me. She has.
I'm afraid she won't come back. She hasn't.
Yes, I know it won't be the same if we get back together, but I know I'll be more like the person she fell in love with. I feel like I've already learned so much and made so many changes.
I'm trying not to wait around. And I'm trying to have a little fun too! But then I wonder about the kind of fun she's having and the monkeymind runs wild. I've got to keep trying to detach.
And don't worry, I am doing what is right for me!
What is you gut telling you about a affair?
My wife changed overnight-new clothes, suddenly used cell phone, actually texted for the first time, started staying out late etc
At first my IC asked me about the possibility and I told her no way......maybe a ea. that's how much I trusted her
I don't want you sucker punched like I was- if you find out there is an affair is that "game over" for you?
One more thing-as a person who suffers from mental ilness and who has been stabil for over20 years. How did your IC not I'd your depression? Did you receive extra help during your issues with your father?
Positivespin: I'm leaning maybe 51-49 towards a possible affair, but I don't know. If you would have asked me this time last year, I would have said "no way," but the last six months of our marriage were really rough because I was going through the roughest time of my life. And the last few days saw some odd behavior, but that might have just been her prepping for the BD.
I honestly don't know if it would be game over for me. Six months ago, I would have said yes. Hell, on BD it was "yes." Now? I don't know. I don't think it would. The thought of another man's hands on my wife makes me see red, but I think I could probably put it behind me.
I did not have a C at the time. I was on AD, but they were not working for me (in a myriad of ways if you catch my drift). My attitude was "yes, things are rough right now, but we can get through this." I didn't realize how depressed I really was. My W begged me to see a C, but we didn't have the money for it. We would have ended up deeper in debt.
Dad died a little before Thanksgiving. Once the funeral was over, I kept busy helping my mom out around her house, having her over for dinner and such, but then after a few weeks just vegged out in front of the xbox with the idea that I would let myself do this until 1/1, and then turn over a whole new leaf. Well, Jan 1 was an odd day, and the next morning was the BD.
I see youve lost 50 LBS......AWESOME JOB! Im at 43 lbs right now...JUST bought my first pairs of size 38's
Ive finally broke free of the "OBESE" label in the BMI index- "OVERWEIGHT" has never sounded so good. The goal is 20 more!
Have you worked with a psychiatrist yet? I understand your between jobs and concerned about debt. THIS IS A INVESTMENT IN YOU! Because I dont know where in the world im going to next (at least i didnt before the BD)I made sure that all my meds were generic. They are - so please dont be overly concerned about cost. PLEASE DONT GET SCRIPTS FROM FAMILY DR's. Ive yet to see a success story
You have come a LONG way since your first post. keep walking! NOTHING is better- and its free......how much you on that XBOX my friend?
One last question- How did your wife and your mother get along?
Positivespin: So glad you're responding!
I'm wearing the relaxed fit 36"s now, first time in roughly 10 years. I'm still technically obese for another 5 pounds, but I'm still dropping steadily and I think I'm in better shape than when the W and I first met. The D diet is not fun, but IS effective.
I'm seeing a LCSW, not a psychiatrist. He's just been out the past two weeks with bronchitis, so I feel a little emotionally constipated, to coin a phrase. My meds seem to be pretty good right now. Almost done tapering off Lexapro. That stuff is evil.
I don't think I was on the xbox a lot in general. I would get a game and binge through it and sell it back. The W watched a lot of TV, so it's not like she was bugging me to go outside. To be honest, it was usually the other way around.
The last few weeks immediately before the BD I was playing a lot of video games. I was feeling under the weather, depressed, money was tight, and the weather was rainy almost every day. It was a way for me to escape. But I had turned off the xbox for good before the BD. Didn't play any games at all on the day prior to the BD.
My wife and my mom got along pretty good, I think. Certainly better than her mother and I did. My mom said she thought of her as a daughter. My W said she thought of her as a mother, once even after the BD!
Alright- homework
Tonight come up with 5 "SMART" goals for yourself in the next 3-6 months. I will re- adjust mine as well and we will compare/ contrast tomorrow.(Make sure that the success is measurable for each)
The next few months will not be kind to us- we need something- that we can control- to focus on
P.S. Make sure your LCSW knows you are open to medication if it could be of benefit (example, wellbutrin) and ask for his referral.
Okay, you still there?
I wasn't sure what SMART goals were, I don't remember them in MWD's books. I think I'm due for a re-read! According to the Internet, they are: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevent, amd Timely.
1. Get weight down to at most 200 lb; preferably 185.
2. Find new job on my career path.
3. Find my own place to live once Goal 2 is complete.
4. Go skydiving.
5. Complete the C25K program and run a 5K.
Your turn!
WOW- we are leading parallel lives
SMART is not in MWD books but in our case we need this style for our personal -non R- goals
One tweak to yours needed- you need times/dates that the goals will be achieved by........again ideally in 3-6 mos
1. 199 or less by 7/1
2. 36 inch waste in levi 501 jeans by 8/1 ( Just using brand of jean for measurement)
3. complete a 5K in under 30 mins 7/15
4. Credit rating of "Good" as rated by experian 10/1
5. Have resumes designed and printed and have cover letters designed 7/1
6. Take a paddleboarding lesson by 8/15
also- upon further review
"Find a new job in your field"- not in your control
How about "Identify and apply to X jobs in your field per week/month"
get rid of #3 for now......how about "stash x dollars for deposit on new place"
VERY nice work Leftcoast
Hey leftcoast
WAKE UP!:) Whats on the agenda for today/ this weekend?
Sorry about that, I just didn't feel like being on here this weekend. Too many people in the same awful condition as me.
Okay, so here's my revised goals w/ dates:
1. Get weight down to at most 200 lb by August 1; preferably 185.
2. Apply for at least two jobs on my career path a week
4. Go skydiving by Sept 1
5. Complete the C25K program and run a 5K by June 20.
How was your weekend?
Crazy! I JUST logged on and you just posted- WOW
We all need to "clear our heads"- What I "enjoy" about this site is that no matter what pain she puts me thru - someone else (or many others) already have the T-Shirt.
GREAT GOALS!- How do you feel about them? If we nail these we will be doing pretty damn good:)
Im at 218 this AM- Im THINKING i might push for sub 200 by June 22
Im a bit hesitant because i know ill slow down as I go but the positive attention I recieved on Friday (new jeans) motivated me.
This weekend I bought a "Large" shirt and 36 "comfort waist" pants in hopes it will propel me.
I understand your wife is currently out of the house but allow me to share something personal and painful with you that I hope will help you look at your sitch in a new paradigm.......
This weekend I had to watch my wife get ready, then leave, for a date with the other guy.
My little girl asked her Mommy and Daddy to hug - and she wouldnt even hug me.
Achieve these goals Leftcoast and you will be in a better position to do whatever the hell you want moving foward.
But lets take this time to invest in us while detaching- we cant feel sorry for us waiting for them to decide.....
SOOOOOOO- What the heck did you do this weekend ?
Crazy! I JUST logged on and you just posted- WOW
We all need to "clear our heads"- What I "enjoy" about this site is that no matter what pain she puts me thru - someone else (or many others) already have the T-Shirt.
GREAT GOALS!- How do you feel about them? If we nail these we will be doing pretty damn good:)
Im at 218 this AM- Im THINKING i might push for sub 200 by June 22
Im a bit hesitant because i know ill slow down as I go but the positive attention I recieved on Friday (new jeans) motivated me.
This weekend I bought a "Large" shirt and 36 "comfort waist" pants in hopes it will propel me.
I understand your wife is currently out of the house but allow me to share something personal and painful with you that I hope will help you look at your sitch in a new paradigm.......
This weekend I had to watch my wife get ready, then leave, for a date with the other guy.
My little girl asked her Mommy and Daddy to hug - and she wouldnt even hug me.
Achieve these goals Leftcoast and you will be in a better position to do whatever the hell you want moving foward.
But lets take this time to invest in us while detaching- we cant feel sorry for us waiting for them to decide.....
SOOOOOOO- What the heck did you do this weekend ?
Your positiveness inspires me! Sounds like you have found the path, keep on it! BTW I put on 6 lbs in 4 days wth! !!!
Crazy! I JUST logged on and you just posted- WOW
We all need to "clear our heads"- What I "enjoy" about this site is that no matter what pain she puts me thru - someone else (or many others) already have the T-Shirt.
I know what you mean. On one hand, it is nice to know that we're not alone; on the other hand, it's awful to see so many marriages in trouble.
GREAT GOALS!- How do you feel about them? If we nail these we will be doing pretty damn good:)
Pretty good! I'm looking forward to seeing how low I can get my weight. My next hearing is in June, so that gives me some time.
Im at 218 this AM- Im THINKING i might push for sub 200 by June 22
Im a bit hesitant because i know ill slow down as I go but the positive attention I recieved on Friday (new jeans) motivated me.
This weekend I bought a "Large" shirt and 36 "comfort waist" pants in hopes it will propel me.
Nice! What are you doing to drop this weight (besides the initial BD weight loss)? I had kept my wardrobe from when I was lighter, and I only dress in classic styles (no trendy clothes that get dated), so I haven't been spending much on clothes yet. I will probably have to as I continue to drop.
I understand your wife is currently out of the house but allow me to share something personal and painful with you that I hope will help you look at your sitch in a new paradigm.......
This weekend I had to watch my wife get ready, then leave, for a date with the other guy.
My little girl asked her Mommy and Daddy to hug - and she wouldnt even hug me.
That is so, so awful. I don't think I could even begin to cope with that. I know that the LBS aren't perfect, but I think the behavior of the WAS in some of these situations is absolutely reprehensible. Congratulations on keeping it together, man; you're a stronger man than I.
Achieve these goals Leftcoast and you will be in a better position to do whatever the hell you want moving foward.
But lets take this time to invest in us while detaching- we cant feel sorry for us waiting for them to decide.....
SOOOOOOO- What the heck did you do this weekend ?
Yep, gotta keep working on us. That's all we can do. This weekend I didn't do much, watched a couple movies, read some chapters in self-help books, organized around my place, and helped my mom around hers. How about you?
here is what im doing- and its working
Ive worked up the 2x25 (real) pushups a day (When I started I could do 11 - using my knees)
2x80 "Bicycles" a day- This has worked MAGIC
1000-1200 calories a day (If you want details to do this super easy let me know)
GNC "Mega Man" Vitamins 2x/day
Walk walk walk walk walk walk walk
This past weekend- Wrapped up a seasonal hobby of mine on Sat (ill miss that - absorbed ALOT of what would ordinarily be alone time). Then went shopping with daughter on sunday after helping a sick friend.
Will focus on finding no/low cost activities next several weeks as Ive been doing alot of "retail therapy"- VERY BAD!
Leftcoast-
You seeing any cool job opportunities???
Hey Leftcoast
Read "SOOOOOO back for more advice by "Just a guy"
You will be inspired
Heh, I don't expect that to happen in my sitch, but it's nice that others are having success.
Applied for some decent jobs this week, but pickings are still pretty slim where I'm at due to budget cuts.
Back at the gym this week after a two-week absence due to illness. God, I love lifting weights!!!
Good catch on the details....I asked for help
just look at me now- I ALMOST look like a pro...
VVVVVVVV
Whats on the agenda for this weekend???
I was helping my Mom go through my recently deceased father's effects. It's a big, multi-week project. How about you?
Gonna start C25K today!
VERY tough day with the wife yesterday.........
BUT a HUGE personal success for me......215.8- But MOST IMPORTANT
This was my first Monday LOWER then a Friday. I was good this weekend
So. please tell me about C25K?
It's a program to get you off the couch and running using simple interval training. "Couch to 5K," or "C25K" for short. All the rage on the Internet.
AHHHHHHHHH Yes! They had something very similar that I did through runners world magazine.THAT makes sense
I was afraid you were doing some 25K in california- I was thinking of reeling you back in
It does work- one lesson I learned on my first 5k.... review the route at least once before race day.
I trained and trained and I was good for about 5.5K of steady forward motion resembling a jog (but more like a ramble -I was 240 at the time) I get to the start line and I am pumped and jacked and ready to roll- up hill for a good quarter mile right at the start.I had no idea
that 1/4 mile zapped 25-30% of my energy and I had to take a walk break near the end. Ended at 30:19
Ill say this thou- Its all about that first 5k t-Shirt
Day one of the C25K done!
I remember when I started: 2 mins walk 30 second jog- repeat for 2 weeks
How did your first day go:)What did you do?
Im proud of you stud!!!!!!!!!!!
I just bought dumbells on Sat (a cheap 40 lb set at Kmart- $25)
I'm listening to a series of NHS C25K podcasts (thank you UK taxpayers!) to let me know when the intervals change. Last night it was 60 seconds of jogging and 90 of brisk walk.
You're going to outgrow those dumbbells in no-time flat. Do you have a used sporting goods store near you? Those or garage sales are the best way to pick up weights on the cheap.
I really do hope to "Outgrow" those dumbells- A great way to see actual progress.
I took my shirt off in semi-public for the first time on sat nite- not "embarrassed" anymore but need work on the damn love handles
Guess if I dont work on them now I never will.
How long did you run/ walk for - or was it the entire 5k distance?
Five minute warm-up at a brisk walk, then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of brisk walking for a total of 20 minutes, then a five minute cool-down. Repeat two more times for the first week (being sure to allow for a day of rest between) and then next week is 90 seconds of jogging and 2 minutes of brisk walking... And so on until you're eventually running the whole thing.
The only thing I'm worried about is shin splits and my knees. So far, so good!
This is a great way to start. Have you done any running in the past?
building up slow is the key. You minimize shin splints by making sure you are always looking straight ahead (not down)- leaning forward causes the SS. Oftentimes one looks down when they become fatigued.
Hows the weather out there?
No running in the past. I couldn't even run a mile during PE in high school. I'm really looking forward to this, though.
Weather is great, but a little cool today. Blue skies, fluffy white clouds. High is only supposed to be 66 today, but 72 tomorrow and low 80s by the weekend. I love California!
How about you?
Like you I never ran a mile in school. My first mile was in April 2008- July 4 2008 was first 5k and October 4 2008 was my first (and only) Marathon
beautiful day here (for here) sunny, stiff breeze in the low 40's
My new job search will either take me to CA or FL. I LOVED LA when I was out there last April- WHAT A CHANGE! Rented a apartment thru BnB and visited my W family. Spent alot of my time on Venice beach. Saw my first Dodgers game etc
UPDATE:
Just bought a pair of "American eagle straight leg "slim" jeans- size 36
Wore them with a "Large" T shirt
Walked 5K on friday
Actively looking for a quality resume service.
And you???????????????????
Finished my first week of the Couch to 5K. Start the second week after work today. Been pretty busy, but feeling really down past few days. I'll probably have a new journaling post in a few days.
Finished my first week of the Couch to 5K. Start the second week after work today. Been pretty busy, but feeling really down past few days. I'll probably have a new journaling post in a few days.
That is funny you mentioned the couch to 5k. I am starting something like that this week as well. Good luck to you!!!!
LEFTCOAST- Im checking in on you my friend!!!!!!!!!
Let us know whats going on with you and what you have been up to
I'll post an update tonight or tomorrow; I'm having a hard time confronting the reality of my situation right now. I appreciate you checking in on me, though!