need advice. separated and want her back

We have gone to counseling but i didn't give it a chance. Im now seeing a therapist on my own and really want her to go with me but she had refused. We have remained in contact. Usually me trying to convince her that things won't be the same. That doesn't work. I can't leave her alone. She is the only thing i can think about. She has said she has done everything she is willing to do. I don't want to lose her. I know that I may have already lost her based on the number of chances I have been Given. I have been trying to do everything i can to help her with things around the house offering to taker her to dinner. Trying to spend tone with her. She will allow me to help her sometimes but she always says she doesn't want to talk about US and i can't help it. I just feel like if i leave her alone she will move on. If we are not talking she will think I'm seeing someone and making her think i don't want to fix our problems. I know i can make her happy and treat her right and be the husband she deserves. I'm just at a loss. I need to get my wife back. I love her with all my heart. I feel so lost. I'm losing interest in everything i enjoy doing i don't sleep. I am destroyed and the worst part about is it's all my doing.

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Originally Posted By: Ilovemywife

Im now seeing a therapist on my own and really want her to go with me but she had refused.

Do not force her into MC!! When one spouse has a foot out the door MC just doesn't work because they've already made up their mind that they're done, and MC will just emphasize to them how done they are. Like Cadet said, detach, GAL, give her time and space.

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We have remained in contact. Usually me trying to convince her that things won't be the same. That doesn't work.

Quite right, begging, pleading, negotiating and reasoning DO NOT WORK. So don't do that! What does work? Detaching, giving them time and space, working on yourself, doing 180's on your problems.

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I can't leave her alone.

You have to or you will just drive her right out the door.

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She is the only thing i can think about.

That's why you have to detach and GAL. You're smothering her and she doesn't want that.

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She has said she has done everything she is willing to do.

And she has for now. Later (probably MUCH later) she may change her mind. But not now. And not soon.

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I have been trying to do everything i can to help her with things around the house offering to taker her to dinner. Trying to spend tone with her. She will allow me to help her sometimes but she always says she doesn't want to talk about US and i can't help it.

You really have to stop all this, you are doing the absolute opposite of what you should do. Read DR, it's all in there. It'll tell you what NOT to do, and what TO do.

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If we are not talking she will think I'm seeing someone and making her think i don't want to fix our problems.

You're mind-reading. Look at the many threads on these forums, start reading about other sitches. Detaching and giving space is what works. It doesn't always work, but sometimes it does. But what NEVER works is what you're engaging in now.

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I know i can make her happy and treat her right and be the husband she deserves.

Don't say it, do it. Show her. She will not listen to her words. But show her consistent actions and she will notice.

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I need to get my wife back.

You need to work on yourself and hope that she comes back by her own free will.

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I love her with all my heart. I feel so lost. I'm losing interest in everything i enjoy doing i don't sleep. I am destroyed and the worst part about is it's all my doing.

Believe me, most of us have been right where you are now. Just try and relax. You've got plenty of time. It took her years to get to this point and you're not going to turn it around in days or weeks. It'll take many months. So settle in. Start reading. Start with DR. Read other threads. Journal here to clear your head. You're not alone, we're here for you and nearly all of us have walked in your shoes. You can do this!

Take what AS is saying and start acting on them ASAP. We've all been there and I know your hurting, your mind is racing and you feel all alone but time is the key here.

I'm 3 months into DBing and by GAL, detaching and setting focus points (big & small) you will make yourself feel better.

thanks for the advice. I have been reading books and articles on the topic and have started to understand how what im doing now isnt going to help. we are quickly approching 5 months of seperation. The last 3 weeks we have been dealing with some issues concerning our dog and have spent everyday together. before this came up we would go about a week between contact. we have been going out to dinner working together to fix our dog issue working out. I attempted to talk to her about us the first week and she told me I was around for the dog. I have not brought it up again. we have been getting along really well. the situation with the dog is coming to an end in the next week or so. hopefully things wont go back to the way they were before. im hoping with the time we are spending together we can get things back on track.

OK, well that's a good sign that you're getting along but don't try to push or hurry things along. Don't pressure her with any R talks, just work on letting her feel comfortable around you. Keep all the talk light and fluffy! If she expresses emotions then don't argue/ reason/ beg/ plead/ negotiate. Just let her talk and validate her emotions. Good luck!

Tell us more about the relationship. What are her complaints about you. Was it your wife that wanted the two of you to get counseling?

OK my wife and I have been together for 6.5yrs. We moved in together right away.i lied to her about allot of things and didnt tell her i was separated From my first wife let alone that i had been married at all. I also viewed a good amount of pornography knowing that my wife felt very strongly about it and would promise her i wouldn't use it again but i did. She told me quite a few times that it was the last chance. After about 2.5yrs of marriage i started to play an online game and engaged in an emotional relationship with a woman in the UK. My wife found out about it and i tried to lure to cover it up but she had solid proof. We stated talk of separating we stayed together for year and there were more lies the whole time. She list all trust in me. Had been viewing images of women and she saw it and kicked me out. this was 3 months ago. One week into this i had joined s dating site and posted a personal ad within a few days i deleted them feeling guilty. I told her about it once she found the new email address i used. About a month later i joined another dating site. All while telling her how much she means to me and that i want to work this out which i really want to happen. She found out about that. I didnt meet anyone off of these sites. Since she found out about the site i have not been drinking or going to bars. I have been trying to focus on my marriage. Everything I say she thinks I'm lying I don't blame her I have lied so many times in the past. Try to talk to her about it but she says she has heard it all before. She said she doesn't know if she still loves me. I'm dying inside because I know its all my fault. What can I do if anything at this point.

You don 't stand a chance until you conquer the lying. I have a person in my family who is a chronic liar. I don't believe anything he says, and his lying has really hurt our R.

If you really want her, then stay off dating sites and away from those games!

Get professional help.

I agree with Sandi, you have some serious issues with the constant lying and deception and you can't conquer that on your own. You really need some professional help. Your W is not going to want to come back unless you make some significant changes and are able to sustain those changes for months. By the way, I applaud you for admitting your faults, that's a good first step.

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Had been viewing images of women and she saw it and kicked me out. this was 3 months ago. One week into this i had joined s dating site and posted a personal ad within a few days i deleted them feeling guilty. I told her about it once she found the new email address i used. About a month later i joined another dating site. All while telling her how much she means to me and that i want to work this out which i really want to happen.

This is what makes me think this is beyond your capacity to handle on your own. You want to work things out, but at the same time you're enrolling on all these dating sites. So behind your W's back you're doing things that you fully know are harmful to your M, but to her face you tell her something different.

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She found out about that. I didnt meet anyone off of these sites.

It doesn't matter whether you did or not, the harm you're causing is the same. An EA is just as damaging as a PA.

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Everything I say she thinks I'm lying I don't blame her I have lied so many times in the past. Try to talk to her about it but she says she has heard it all before. She said she doesn't know if she still loves me. I'm dying inside because I know its all my fault. What can I do if anything at this point.

Get professional help. That alone will be an indication to your W that you're more serious about changing this time. And be patient, it's going to take months and months of opposite behavior before your W will believe you've really changed. Good luck!

I have been seeing a therapist for a while now and I believe that I have overcome my problem with lying. I have been honest with myself and my wife for several months. We are just over 5 months separated now. My wife and I have the last month together we are dealing with some issues with one of our dogs. We have been together everyday. After about a week I tried to talk to her about us and she told me "you are here because of the dog". So I havent tried to bring it up again. I just get so confused sometimes because if she needs something she will call me. I will do anything she asks because I never did before. Im tring to show her that I can dependable and that she can count on me to be there for her. I am willing to do what ever it takes to save my marriage. I am working on myself going to the gym enjoying life as much as possible. Its just not the same without my wife by my side. I hope that when this issue with our dog comes to an end (should be this week) that things dont go back to he not talking to me. I have enjoyed the time we have spent together over the past month. Im trying to stay positive but she doesn't give me any signs that she wants to work things out. I will continue to work to improve myself regardless of what happens. But I truly want to make things right with my wife I love her with all my heart.

Please tell your therapist EVERYTHING you have done and lied about so they can really help you. Also imo, weekly sessions won't be enough to shift your paradigm enough fast enough. You need NEW tools for new behaviors. ASAP.

If you can go to a workshop or rehab, you may want to look into that. (See the "Essential Experience", or "LIfeSpring" workshops, or Imago therapists in your area.

OR be willing to fly to where they are. What's your financial situation like? And how old is your new wife?)

SOME Imago sessions are for couples, but EE and Lifspring help individuals. All help for individuals, makes for better spouses, so any help for YOU, will help the m. Make sense?

And about the alcohol...are you in AA? What did you mean by cutting back?

What role do you see that alcohol played in your behavior?

Fwiw, I can see that there are significant issues you have. I would not say it's all drinking by any means. But if the booze pushes you over the edge where you cannot keep yourself OFF the ledge, then it has to go.

What is your age? Do you have kids from your first M? This m?

And is the way you acted with her, the same way you acted with your first wife?

What do YOU think this is about?

I get that you are telling us this and "owning it" - but it is super hard to say you are admitting it and "owning it' - while you still do it.

There's something off or self destructive about your behaviors. You need to figure this out asap.

And GAL. (GAL means to Get A Life - new hobbies or interests - NOT MORE UNHEALTHY ONES--...taking a class, learning a new language, volunteering for charity, or to coach, working out, etc. )

GAL is hammered a lot here b/c it helps YOU to not obsess and to have a positive mental attitude, which makes you more attractive. Trust us, a crying man who wronged a woman, and now is wallowing in self pity and self loathing is NOT attractive to that woman.

Feeling like crap does not equate with you "really loving her". IT equates with weakness --- and right now, the last thing you need to project to her is more weakness.

A lot of self discipline and some self control will help to counter her negative images of you, with positives.

Have you read the Div Busting or Div Remedy books? They'll help you a lot now.

You must NOT repeat the same unhelpful behaviors of the recent past b/c it's all about YOU and what YOU want and what YOU NEED...and that's sort of the same old you, isn't it?

Can you show her that she is your priority, by listening to her requests of you?

When she says to back off, you need to respect that. When she says, "you're the same as you were before", you have to validate why she'd think that, and then ACT and BE different.

No more words of argument (especially since she literally heard it all before WHILE you again pursued OWs. Did you feel your first m was in trouble and rather than work on it, you just wanted to start another one? I mean, is this a pattern too?

Regardless, Here's the "math" of it.

consistent actions + sufficient time = changes she can believe in.

Many of us here wanted to give up on our marriages OR our spouses did. But some of us do change and some of us do turn things around.

Stick with this b/c YOU need to change anyhow, agreed??

I have been seeing a therapist regularly. I believe I have overcome my lying. I have stopped lying to my wife and more importantly myself. I know that its is going to take time if ever for her to forgive me for what I have done and I dont blame her. Whenever I see her its so hard for me not to reach out and try to hold her hand or try to give her a hug. I love her with all my heart and will continue to work on my issues. I love her to much to give up on our marriage. We have been getting along really well for the last month together everyday. Still living separately though. What signs if any should I be looking for to know where she stands or if she is truly done with our marriage? I fully understand and accept the fact that we may not get back together. But I know in my heart that if she gives our marriage another shot we will rebuild stronger than ever. I have learned alot of good skills to maintain a happy healthy marriage.

I have been completely honest with my therapist and she knows the whole story. I have looked into some workshops but to be honest I dont have the money to go. As far as the alcohol I used it as an escape from the day to day. I dont go to aa but I quit cold turkey on nov 1 2012. I have had 3 glasses of wine in the past month while having dinner with my wife. I never felt like I had to have a drink ever in my life. I stopped because I was using it to hide from my relationship. Im 32 she is 31 neither of us have kids. My first marriage was pretty bad. I was the one trying to hold everything together while she slept around. I found out the first time and we "worked it out" then it happened 2 more times and I had enough and left. I have realized that this made it hard for me to care and really give my 2nd marriage the attention it should have I guess to protect myself from getting hurt again. I have not been seeking out other women in the last 4 months realizing that my marriage was the only thing that is important to me. It took all of this for me to realize how much she means to me. You dont know what you got till its gone type of deal. I have been doning GAL I started going to the gym hunting and other things that I enjoy. I am reading div busters and learning alot going to order div remedy when im done. I have been showing her she is at the top of my priorities I will drop plans if she needs something. If she needs something im there for her.

Things have been going exactly the same for the last few months. We are spending everyday together I only leave to go where im staying to go to sleep. We are doing things together walking our dogs exercising making and eating dinner together. There has been no discussion about our marriage. Im to the point that if things dont work out I feel im setting myself up to get my feelings hurt. Before we started to send time together I was to the point where I accepted that we quite possibly will get divorce and I started to prepare myself for such (hope for the best prepare for the worse if you will). With us spending the last 3 months together I cant help but feel like things are getting better. I dont know if they are or not and I try not to think about it. Still so confused I dont know which end is up. I really wish we could talk about it but I know if I push it will only hurt the situation. So I do my best to just be pleasant and act as if im happy even when I couldnt be more miserable, I put on a show for her. I know she sometimes sees right through me. I know I cant rush things along and that things can only be worked out if and when she is ready. But I am staying positive and hope she sees how much she really means to me and that I will never put anytbing in before her or our marriage.

So??? What happened with this situation?

I think you need to tell us.
All the best -