Huge mistake, what do I do now ... - 01/11/13 08:10 PM
NotSureWhatToDo - OP
Here is my OP - just history. You can kinda catch up with first posting. Other is just dialogue and me journaling.
I really thought I had a hit a good place. I was starting to feel okay about where I was headed and things with H is pretty good, I still miss him like crazy and love him. And honestly, the more time that goes on, the more I can see me without him as much I don't want to.
BUT I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE ....I've talked about OW and his affair to many people and made the mistake of saying ... don't tell H, he gets mad when I talk about it.
H text me yesterday (because he won't call me - too confortational) asks me to do him a favor ... stop tell EVERYONE he had an affair and stop calling OW HWW or BARWH*RE. And then text kept coming ... someone really had him fired up. He basically gave it to me via text.
I finally just said I'm sorry EVERYONE is running and telling you everything I say. I really think they just care about you, me and our family. He just kept on. Saying he didn't have an affair, he didn't meet her at the bar, it's absurd that I won't let DD around her. I tried to remain calm. I didn't directly respond to everything he said. I guess he just needed to vent. But I feel like whatever sliver of "maybe we can" just slipped through my fingers.
But here is the thing:
I found out about OW because of pictures sent to DD. AND because OW's dad was telling people that my H was living with her when he left me. H never denied anything. Just said he was sorry, he didn't leave me for her, just a month after he leaves, the house he is renting is ready and they move in together. He had over 3,000 text messages, approx 50 picture messages and about 20 calls on our home number between he and OW ... in one month. They worked together at a bar. He bought her flowers on our anniversary and he gave her little gifts (found charges on bank statement). If it smells, walks and barks like a dog ... isn't it a dog????? He says it wasn't an affair unless you consider an affair "chatting on the phone". I said there are all kinds of affairs ... yes it was an affair. And he says they didn't meet at the bar ... yet he was there for every one of her shifts (that I can tell).
I know I'll get flamed for what I did ... yes, I'm sure it's against every DB rule and policy there is. But why does nobody understand, I AM HURT! H and I had an agreement to be civil and peaceful during this. I honestly never thought about that meaning I couldn't talk to our friends about what happended. I couldn't voice my opinon. I am civil and friendly with H, always. And honestly, I hate that we aren't friends right now (at least I feel like I've chipped away at that friendship) but what does H expect me to do. Do I lay down and let everyone think that I was the most terrible wife ever and that I was so bad that H had to leave. And honestly, I WANT people to feel sorry for me. Sorry ... I admit it. I want sympathy ... I have been with the same man for 22 years, endured one split, endured 3 years of him injured/taking care of him & everything else and he cheated on me!
H has never really defended himself to me. I don't know if thats because he feels like he doesn't have to because to him he didn't do anything wrong ... I mean he didn't have sex with someone else (he says NOW) or he's just gone enough from the relationship that he doesn't feel like he should defend himself or he knows I'm so hurt I won't listen or believe him.
Maybe if he would TALK to me, a lot of this could and would have been avoided. I know a lot of you say he is not going to talk about any of this with me. But till he does, I feel like I will never have closure. I need to have questions answered - what is so wrong with that?
My one and only friend that I can trust to never say anything to anyone hit the nail on the head this morning, H likes the OW because she "NEEDS" him. I'm a stronger person, makes more money, handles things in the house, takes care of the child, basically I let him do all the fun things and very little responsiblity. The OW boosts his ego..... she is "beneath" him.
So what do I do now? How do I restore what I have "f'd" up so badly. Can I? I told DD last night that I would take H back if he want to come home and at first she said why? And then she said he won't. It's gone to far. I reminded her that 1)he's done this before and 2)she asked me to wait before I did anything. (and yes DD was in on this whole texting convo - she was seeing the effects it was having on me). Please be gentle, my nerves are on edge anyways and I have a massive headache .... and tonight I have to chaperone a 15 year/17 year old date ... kill me now!
Here is my OP - just history. You can kinda catch up with first posting. Other is just dialogue and me journaling.
I really thought I had a hit a good place. I was starting to feel okay about where I was headed and things with H is pretty good, I still miss him like crazy and love him. And honestly, the more time that goes on, the more I can see me without him as much I don't want to.
BUT I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE ....I've talked about OW and his affair to many people and made the mistake of saying ... don't tell H, he gets mad when I talk about it.
H text me yesterday (because he won't call me - too confortational) asks me to do him a favor ... stop tell EVERYONE he had an affair and stop calling OW HWW or BARWH*RE. And then text kept coming ... someone really had him fired up. He basically gave it to me via text.
I finally just said I'm sorry EVERYONE is running and telling you everything I say. I really think they just care about you, me and our family. He just kept on. Saying he didn't have an affair, he didn't meet her at the bar, it's absurd that I won't let DD around her. I tried to remain calm. I didn't directly respond to everything he said. I guess he just needed to vent. But I feel like whatever sliver of "maybe we can" just slipped through my fingers.
But here is the thing:
I found out about OW because of pictures sent to DD. AND because OW's dad was telling people that my H was living with her when he left me. H never denied anything. Just said he was sorry, he didn't leave me for her, just a month after he leaves, the house he is renting is ready and they move in together. He had over 3,000 text messages, approx 50 picture messages and about 20 calls on our home number between he and OW ... in one month. They worked together at a bar. He bought her flowers on our anniversary and he gave her little gifts (found charges on bank statement). If it smells, walks and barks like a dog ... isn't it a dog????? He says it wasn't an affair unless you consider an affair "chatting on the phone". I said there are all kinds of affairs ... yes it was an affair. And he says they didn't meet at the bar ... yet he was there for every one of her shifts (that I can tell).
I know I'll get flamed for what I did ... yes, I'm sure it's against every DB rule and policy there is. But why does nobody understand, I AM HURT! H and I had an agreement to be civil and peaceful during this. I honestly never thought about that meaning I couldn't talk to our friends about what happended. I couldn't voice my opinon. I am civil and friendly with H, always. And honestly, I hate that we aren't friends right now (at least I feel like I've chipped away at that friendship) but what does H expect me to do. Do I lay down and let everyone think that I was the most terrible wife ever and that I was so bad that H had to leave. And honestly, I WANT people to feel sorry for me. Sorry ... I admit it. I want sympathy ... I have been with the same man for 22 years, endured one split, endured 3 years of him injured/taking care of him & everything else and he cheated on me!
H has never really defended himself to me. I don't know if thats because he feels like he doesn't have to because to him he didn't do anything wrong ... I mean he didn't have sex with someone else (he says NOW) or he's just gone enough from the relationship that he doesn't feel like he should defend himself or he knows I'm so hurt I won't listen or believe him.
Maybe if he would TALK to me, a lot of this could and would have been avoided. I know a lot of you say he is not going to talk about any of this with me. But till he does, I feel like I will never have closure. I need to have questions answered - what is so wrong with that?
My one and only friend that I can trust to never say anything to anyone hit the nail on the head this morning, H likes the OW because she "NEEDS" him. I'm a stronger person, makes more money, handles things in the house, takes care of the child, basically I let him do all the fun things and very little responsiblity. The OW boosts his ego..... she is "beneath" him.
So what do I do now? How do I restore what I have "f'd" up so badly. Can I? I told DD last night that I would take H back if he want to come home and at first she said why? And then she said he won't. It's gone to far. I reminded her that 1)he's done this before and 2)she asked me to wait before I did anything. (and yes DD was in on this whole texting convo - she was seeing the effects it was having on me). Please be gentle, my nerves are on edge anyways and I have a massive headache .... and tonight I have to chaperone a 15 year/17 year old date ... kill me now!