Dating Issues - Seeking ladies (and men's) advice - 12/06/12 07:53 PM
Well, I started officially dating after I got my divorce (for those who know me, I've been separated for 2.5 years, so this was not a rebound or anything), but have since run into heart-breaking situation (or roadblock, IMHO).
My ex-gf and I met 4 months ago through church. To say we hit it off right away would be an understatement. We could talk for 4-5 hours everyday without a dull moment, we understood each other, our jokes, our religious philosophies, she and I had all the visual cues that we were attracted to each other, friends commented on how our faces light up when we see each other, etc.
We wanted to do it the right away and be right with God, so we waited till I was officially divorced at the end of October before we started dating. In the meantime, we remained "friends with potential" as we jokingly referred to each other.
So we started dating and it was amazing; we had loads of fun and again, there never was a dull moment. We enjoyed each other's company and respected each other greatly. A week later, however, just as I was sensing that she was keeping me at arm's length and the cold shoulder, she broke up with me, citing that if we got married, she did not want to deal with the stresses of my ex-wife being in the picture. I practiced some DB/DRing and made very minimal contact with her. A week later, we reconciled after we talked about her concern a little more. Since the beginning of our relationship, I reassured her I will try my darnest to protect her and buffer her from the stresses of living a life with an ex. It may not always be the case, but I told her I understood the fear and great dedication needed to date a guy with an ex-wife.
The following week, we celebrated Thanksgiving dinner with my family. A few days after that, I started sensing the same distance from her again. Then she wanted to meet upon Saturday to talk. When we met up, she said that she was still struggling with this and wanted to stay her choice to never date a guy with baggage (apparently she came to this decision after she dated a divorced man 3 years ago). Did that prior decision stop her from her attraction to me, to flirt with me, to want to date me? No! And so it really blew me mind and saddened me intensely that she went with her head rather than her heart. What's going here?
That evening after the break up, I made a conscious decision to maintain contact with her, even though a few hours earlier I had said to her that I would be lying to myself, her and God by being her friend; my feelings for her are deeper than that.
So that night I texted her the following:
"Hey, hope you're doing okay. I just want you to know how much I've enjoyed our relationship, and how much I've learned and that I still love you to bits. Even though we're not together, I'll always be available to race you around a digital racetrack (we enjoyed hitting the arcades), discuss mundane nerd factoids, Trekkie trivia (we're not fans, but loved joking about Trek fans. No offense), the awesomeness of God, and possibly Schnooki and JWOWW (we made fun of them to no end; and Schnooki also became my ex-gf's nickname). Hope you have a good night, S."
She responded 8 minutes later, "Thank you Alamo
I hope you have a good night too"
I texted my ex-gf another time the next day (Monday) which became a short conversation about her new boss at school and work, with an occasional smiley face by her. She didn't not ask about me or anything, though. In one of her last messages that day, she said, "Ya, I still have my job so thats a good start for me :)" And I decided to chance it and threw out a compliment (and I meant every word of it), "Indeed! I'm happy He keeps us blessed with work. And it would be an absolute crime if your school, for some insane reason, decided not to keep one of its best, most hardworking and dedicated teachers I know."
She responded "Thank you, that is kind of you to say"
So the million dollar question is: is it "safe" to actively (but cautiously) pursue her? Besides the very occasional texts, I'm hoping to drop by her workplace and leave some origami cats (she's a cat person) on her car with a funny note (because we love to joke). I'm not sure if she'll see that as stalking or as something subtlely romantic. And then there's Xmas and Valentine's....
Anyway, how can she completely turn off her feelings just like that, or is it? How did, as a woman, her head won over her heart? Aside from this, I truly believe we could've made an amazing couple. For those familiar with my situation, meeting S was truly God-sent. That's why I made the choice to keep wooing her.
My ex-gf and I met 4 months ago through church. To say we hit it off right away would be an understatement. We could talk for 4-5 hours everyday without a dull moment, we understood each other, our jokes, our religious philosophies, she and I had all the visual cues that we were attracted to each other, friends commented on how our faces light up when we see each other, etc.
We wanted to do it the right away and be right with God, so we waited till I was officially divorced at the end of October before we started dating. In the meantime, we remained "friends with potential" as we jokingly referred to each other.
So we started dating and it was amazing; we had loads of fun and again, there never was a dull moment. We enjoyed each other's company and respected each other greatly. A week later, however, just as I was sensing that she was keeping me at arm's length and the cold shoulder, she broke up with me, citing that if we got married, she did not want to deal with the stresses of my ex-wife being in the picture. I practiced some DB/DRing and made very minimal contact with her. A week later, we reconciled after we talked about her concern a little more. Since the beginning of our relationship, I reassured her I will try my darnest to protect her and buffer her from the stresses of living a life with an ex. It may not always be the case, but I told her I understood the fear and great dedication needed to date a guy with an ex-wife.
The following week, we celebrated Thanksgiving dinner with my family. A few days after that, I started sensing the same distance from her again. Then she wanted to meet upon Saturday to talk. When we met up, she said that she was still struggling with this and wanted to stay her choice to never date a guy with baggage (apparently she came to this decision after she dated a divorced man 3 years ago). Did that prior decision stop her from her attraction to me, to flirt with me, to want to date me? No! And so it really blew me mind and saddened me intensely that she went with her head rather than her heart. What's going here?
That evening after the break up, I made a conscious decision to maintain contact with her, even though a few hours earlier I had said to her that I would be lying to myself, her and God by being her friend; my feelings for her are deeper than that.
So that night I texted her the following:
"Hey, hope you're doing okay. I just want you to know how much I've enjoyed our relationship, and how much I've learned and that I still love you to bits. Even though we're not together, I'll always be available to race you around a digital racetrack (we enjoyed hitting the arcades), discuss mundane nerd factoids, Trekkie trivia (we're not fans, but loved joking about Trek fans. No offense), the awesomeness of God, and possibly Schnooki and JWOWW (we made fun of them to no end; and Schnooki also became my ex-gf's nickname). Hope you have a good night, S."
She responded 8 minutes later, "Thank you Alamo
I hope you have a good night too"I texted my ex-gf another time the next day (Monday) which became a short conversation about her new boss at school and work, with an occasional smiley face by her. She didn't not ask about me or anything, though. In one of her last messages that day, she said, "Ya, I still have my job so thats a good start for me :)" And I decided to chance it and threw out a compliment (and I meant every word of it), "Indeed! I'm happy He keeps us blessed with work. And it would be an absolute crime if your school, for some insane reason, decided not to keep one of its best, most hardworking and dedicated teachers I know."
She responded "Thank you, that is kind of you to say"
So the million dollar question is: is it "safe" to actively (but cautiously) pursue her? Besides the very occasional texts, I'm hoping to drop by her workplace and leave some origami cats (she's a cat person) on her car with a funny note (because we love to joke). I'm not sure if she'll see that as stalking or as something subtlely romantic. And then there's Xmas and Valentine's....
Anyway, how can she completely turn off her feelings just like that, or is it? How did, as a woman, her head won over her heart? Aside from this, I truly believe we could've made an amazing couple. For those familiar with my situation, meeting S was truly God-sent. That's why I made the choice to keep wooing her.