Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: heartbroken5 New to the site... - 11/09/12 03:56 AM
Hello,

How should I begin? I think everyone knows why I am here. I am in the middle of a divorce. I stumbled on this site when I typed "husband filed for divorce and I don't want it" into the google search. I began reading through each and ever thread in search of hope. The threads are surely relateable and inspiring. The mere fact of reading other people's stories knowing that I am not alone, helps. When I read threads from Husbands, I wished mine felt the same. My story goes.... Me, 37, H 38, M 5 years, T 9 years, no children. I truly believed that we were meant for one another. I still believe this in my heart. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but we had wonderful times. But when it was bad, it was really bad. There are always two sides to every story, but the bottom line is that my husband (a social butterfly) desired to be out more than he desired to be my spouse. Our arguments were always the same; him going out too much and staying out too late. It really hurts to type all of this, because on the surface it seems that really we shouldn't be together... my heart feels differently though. Aug 31 he left the house after a huge argument, and refused to come back until I left our home and said that he wanted a divorce. I told him that I wouldn't fight him regarding the D, but I didn't want it. He filed on 9/22. I ended up moving out a month later. We have barely talked. I've attempted to keep my distance and early on he would call in drunken angry rants. On 10/22 I submitted my acknowledgement to the courts. I don't want this divorce. I want my husband back, my life, him. He left a letter w/the D papers saying that it was the hardest thing he had to do in life and that he hoped that I find happiness even if it's with someone else. However since that his emotions have been all over the place. I want to call every day, I tried but stopped early on. The last time we spoke it was about me getting the rest of my things from the home. My mind tells me it's too late, there has to be an OW, he would be too prideful to stop and reconcile, but my heart cant seem to let go. I've ordered the book and hope to get it soon. I just don't know if I am getting caught up in mythical thinking or if I should just stop hoping that we can get back when clearly he doesn't want anything to do with me.
Posted By: Cadet Re: New to the site... - 11/10/12 10:39 AM
Welcome to the board

You need to let him go.
DIVORCE = SPACE

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.


Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.
Posted By: PeteWyo Re: New to the site... - 11/10/12 07:26 PM
heartbroken, welcome! You will get some great advice here. Can you provide a little more information on your R. The more detailed you are, the more others can help you. What was the relationship like in the beginning? Were you going out with him more? Was his drinking as bad in the beginning? It sounds like he may have a problem with that but hard to tell from your original post. When you say it was really bad when it was bad, what caused those bad times? Was it always about his staying out too late? How did you approach him when you didn't agree with what he was doing? I guess the important thing to remember is that right now you don't have any control over what he does and how he feels. Think about what has changed and figure out why. You guys got married for a reason. All you can do is detach, work on yourself and make yourself the best person you can be. Make yourself the better option. If you think there is another woman, make him see that he would be a fool for leaving. There are no guarantees here, all you can do is make YOU the best you possible. Read the DB book and you should also read DR. Sounds like he is moving things along very quickly here, is there more back story, how long has it been since he originally dropped the bomb?
Posted By: JuneReN Re: New to the site... - 11/10/12 07:37 PM
Sorry to meet you here, heartbroken, (((())))

You will find a lot of support and a lot of friends. You will find situations similar to yours.

If you stick around long enough, you will also find yourself.

That is the key to everything, whether or not you are together, separated or divorced.

Good luck, everyone has great advice. Post more about your switch when you have a chance.

Ruby
Posted By: JuneReN Re: New to the site... - 11/10/12 07:38 PM
*sitch*. Stupid autocorrect
Posted By: notsurewhat2do Re: New to the site... - 11/10/12 07:54 PM
Heartbroken, I'm where you are. My mind tells me to give up and my heart tells me NO. The reasoning for our seperation is different, but I don't think H wants to reconcile. For me my H left Oct 3, moved out, has another place, utilities in his name and OW. I want so badly to KNOW exactly what to do, but I don't have a clue. Trying to DB and slowly I am, but there is always something that comes up that I need to text him about. Either our lawncare business, or daughter or bills, etc. We haven't actually talked since last Friday. I have contacted a lawyer, the papers drawn up and end of next week hopefully we can get them signed then sit on them till I'm ready to make the next move. Good luck on your journey.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 11/12/12 03:04 PM
Welcome to the board

** Thank you, I just wish I wasnít here you know?

You need to let him go.

** If it were that easy I wouldÖ

DIVORCE = SPACE
Get out and GAL.

** Trust me I am trying.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

*** What does this mean?

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

** Again Iím tryingÖ

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

** Time for what? I really want to understand all of this.

USE it wisely.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 11/12/12 03:22 PM
Thank you fuanacdc, but I wish I was not here. From what I gathered this is a great support system and thatís what I need right now. More information on my R, sure, here goes.
1. What was the relationship like in the beginning? I donít know where to begin. He would always say that I saved his life. I never really knew what that meant. I think I provided a calm in his life. He was a partier, but I had no idea of the extent of it until after I moved in. I could count on not seeing him on Friday night. No matter what. He did what he wanted to do and I got to the point where I was okay with that. It hurts to type all of thisÖ.
2. Was I going out with him more?
No I didnít go out with him on Friday nights, I wasnít a party goer. I liked to do other things, plays, movies, quiet evenings.

3. Was the drinking bad in the beginning? In the beginning it was social to me, but I saw what it really was after moving in and it got worse. It seems that heís always been a heavy drinker but would slow down. A functional heavy/hard drinker.

4. What caused the bad times? 9 times out of 10 alcohol. He would have these periods when he would hear me and straighten up and focus on our marriage and building our home and those were the best times. The times that I donít want to let go. We would have so much growth in those times, but then the big ugly monster would reappear.

5. Was it always about staying out too late? Yes or not coming home.

6. How did I approach him with what he was doing? I tried everything, being calm, ignoring it, yelling. I even tried joining him. It got to a point where I would drink like him, just to be with him and spend time. I hated that, becoming that person. But I wanted to be with him so much and save our marriage.
My question for you guys is regarding the detachment. Make him see, how do I do that because I havenít seen him since 8/31. He wonít see me. He said that seeing me may cause him to change his mind. Yes things are moving fairly quickly. He dropped the bomb on 9/1 and I got papers on 9/22. From what I typed above it seems as though it was never good. I donít want this, even though this may be bestÖ I lost everything though. My dream, my home, his family became mine. No one is talking to me, itís just me. It hurts.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 11/12/12 03:23 PM
I know how you feel. I want to know what to do as well. The pain is too much to bare. I have loved him for so long and now he's gone. I can't seem to let go.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 11/14/12 05:55 PM
The days have been really hard. I have not reached out, it's been at least two weeks since we spoke after I submitted my waiver to the court. I don't know what's going on, there has been no communication. We were supposed to set up times to talk about the division of property and what would be submitted to the court but he has cancelled all of the "meetings" and I didn't follow up after the last cancel. As a matter of fact I didn't respond at all. I don't know what to do. Everyday that goes by hurts because of not knowing. I want to have hope, but I don't want to be a fool either. I have counceling every week, when I feel strong the next day I'm knocked down. I can't explain the pain that I feel. I feel hopeless almost. I'm like a zombie most of the time, just going through the motions of the day to day. Eating, sleeping, working, an occasional forced smile so that my coworkers feel comfortable. I dress myself up,I don't think that anyone would know what's really going on with me at first glance. But there's a void, an emptiness, I don't feel life... kind of pathetic when i type it out....it's the truth though.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: New to the site... - 11/16/12 03:29 AM
Originally Posted By: heartbroken5
He left a letter w/the D papers saying that it was the hardest thing he had to do in life and that he hoped that I find happiness even if it's with someone else.


Originally Posted By: heartbroken5
We were supposed to set up times to talk about the division of property and what would be submitted to the court but he has cancelled all of the "meetings" and I didn't follow up after the last cancel.


The above two comments make it sound like he does not want to proceed with the D. If I were you I would just keep doing what you're doing- remain "dark" (do not contact him) and do nothing to further along the D. Leave it in his court. He may very well not pursue it.

Quote:
I don't know what to do. Everyday that goes by hurts because of not knowing.


But staying dark is the best thing you can do right now. You need to give H time and space to think. He is going through a lot of turmoil, the last thing you want to do is anything that might drive him away or convince him D is the right thing. And if you do talk to him or see him, try very hard to show him nothing but a positive, happy, content you. Be attractive, not needy. Remember what you were like when he fell for you and try to be THAT person.

Quote:
I want to have hope, but I don't want to be a fool either.


Having hope is not foolish. Standing for your marriage is not foolish. Read the threads here, there many amazing, intelligent people here who have been standing for months and even years. Why do they do it? Hope. And to make themselves better people whether they reconcile or not.

Quote:
I'm like a zombie most of the time, just going through the motions of the day to day. Eating, sleeping, working, an occasional forced smile so that my coworkers feel comfortable.


How long has this been going on? If months, then talk to your PCP and consider A/D's. Sometimes they're needed to get us out of the slump and back to a PMA. It is critical to have a PMA, your H will not be attracted back to a depressed, needy you.

Quote:
But there's a void, an emptiness, I don't feel life... kind of pathetic when i type it out....it's the truth though.


That's nearly a textbook description of depression.
Posted By: LittleWings Re: New to the site... - 11/16/12 03:44 AM
Hi Heartbroken5,

I can hear you and feel your pain. I don't have the answers and am to new to this to give advice, but just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I too feel like a zombie some days, swimming in mud and just trying to get to the end of the da. Other times I find myself in denial. I think the most important thing is to try and my god I know it's hard, but to stay healthy. I know for me it's doubly hard to cope when I am feeling tired, sick and run down. The emotions have the power to take over then and we lose the strength to DB. Do something that makes you smile if you can and try try try to be in the present. Don't look at photo's, letters etc, don't dwell on your memories or plans for the future and have hope.

Take care and I hope you have a brighter day tomorrow. smile
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 11/20/12 07:31 PM
Talked to him via phone last night. He's getting things drawn up in order to finalize the D. Mentioned he was busy with work and have been traveling a lot. He moved a friend into the house (a male - former coworker) and said that they may be making thanksgiving dinner. He asked if I was sick because I sounded a little congested. I told him that I was. He asked about work and I did the same. It was very awkward. He sounds really good and happy. He mentioned that he didn't really call me for business, I said okay but I kept steering the conversation that way. He asked if I could meet him today or Wednesday. I said those days were not good for me, thinking that I didn't want to accommodate his schedule because he canceled on me numerous times. He mentioned that he would be traveling for thanksgiving with his father. I fought back all of the tears and the word that would have come flooding out. I thanked him for the call and wished him goodnight. I really wanted to get off as fast as I could. It worked, but I tell you what, I felt like a bag of poop after. This sadness came over me so heavy and strong. I cried and got angry that he's moving on. I want to move on too. I don't want to be this big bag of emotion. I have no plans for this holiday, I'm forcing myself to go volunteer at the shelter something that I ALWAYS wanted to do for Thanksgiving. I hope that I can get the strength to do so. I started working out, cooking, watching tv and laughing. But that call really crushed all of my progress. I've also got a road trip planned to go to Austin on Friday afternoon - a last minute thing. Something to force myself to let my hair down and GAL... I'm not sure. As I mentioned the call really crushed me.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 11/21/12 07:20 PM
So H sends a copy of the 1st draft of the final decree last night via email. I replied that I received it and asked if I should reach out to the "preparer" (a female coworker) regarding any changes/modifications and if "she" would be representing him as legal counsel. He advised that he does not have representation and that I could in fact contact her. My response last night, was "okay, thanks!Ē This morning he send an email saying, "Did I do something wrong or did I upset you?Ē I fought as hard as I could not to send an emotional reply...but don't you think that was a stupid question? I don't want a divorce, of course you upset me with this and yes you not wanting to fight for our marriage is wrong... typing that here feels better. But no, my reply was... No, not at all. I apologize if I have given you a reason to think so. Have a Happy Thanksgiving, send my love to your parents, and enjoy your trip. I have wanted to cry out so much but I'm at work and I have got to hold it together. I donít know how I am going to make it. People have been giving me all this advice to just move on, live, etcÖ Every time I get a second wind, like I can go on, this happens.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: New to the site... - 11/23/12 01:46 AM
Originally Posted By: heartbroken5
I really wanted to get off as fast as I could. It worked, but I tell you what, I felt like a bag of poop after. This sadness came over me so heavy and strong. I cried and got angry that he's moving on. I want to move on too.


Sorry to hear you're going through this pain right now! I wish I could say something to make it go away, but only time will do that. It does get better, but it takes time. Some people more than others.

Quote:
I have no plans for this holiday, I'm forcing myself to go volunteer at the shelter something that I ALWAYS wanted to do for Thanksgiving.


That's an awesome idea! I didn't have any plans either, my MIL invited me to her house along with W and our kids but frankly I could use less time around W. So I went for a nice long motorcycle ride, flew some R/C planes and had an impressive dinner of oatmeal and a banana, LOL! I actually enjoyed being alone though!

Quote:
I started working out, cooking, watching tv and laughing. But that call really crushed all of my progress.


That's great GAL stuff. And you will hit setbacks now and then, just keep pushing forward. The setbacks will affect you less and less as time goes on.

Quote:
I've also got a road trip planned to go to Austin on Friday afternoon - a last minute thing.


Ah, a fellow Texan smile I'm in the Dallas area. My brother lives near Austin.

Quote:
I fought as hard as I could not to send an emotional reply...but don't you think that was a stupid question? I don't want a divorce, of course you upset me with this and yes you not wanting to fight for our marriage is wrong... typing that here feels better. But no, my reply was... No, not at all. I apologize if I have given you a reason to think so. Have a Happy Thanksgiving, send my love to your parents, and enjoy your trip.


You did great on your response! Good job on keeping emotions out of it.

Quote:
I have wanted to cry out so much but I'm at work and I have got to hold it together. I donít know how I am going to make it.


Go home, lock the bedroom door and let it all out. I did that a lot early on. Can't remember the last time I cried now though. Oh, actually I can. It was the first time my W got the kids on visitation. That was two months ago though. Now that I'm settled into the "new normal" I'm fine. You will be too. Don't fight the grief, let it out. Stick with your GAL activities. You'll feel better day by day.
Posted By: labug Re: New to the site... - 11/23/12 02:13 AM
Here's what jumps out at me, he drinks a lot and sometimes he stays out late or doesn't come home at all.

Are these things still problems for you?

If so, how is getting back together going to work for either of you?

He's 38, what are the chances his behavior will change?

Have you ever thought of AlAnon? You might want to check into it.

Work on you, let him go.
Posted By: labug Re: New to the site... - 11/23/12 02:28 AM
I know it's not as simple as that but it what you have to think about every day when you wake up. Let him go.

This place will help you with that, AlAnon will help you with that.

But don't give up things that are important to you in an attempt to keep a R going.
Posted By: JuneReN Re: New to the site... - 11/23/12 04:38 AM
I always think of that stupid saying-so overused lol! "If it comes back, it's yours.."

But I always think that saying needs a little help. Not begging or asking, but strength. YOu need to look after you to gain the strength you need to effectively deal with situation.

We are all here and have all been heartbroken or still are. Everyday you get up is a victory, every sunrise every sunset. Make it a challenge to do one thing to get your a$$ out of the house every day...Run? Class? Dinner? Doesn't matter. Try something new, I know it $ucks and I know you think of H, but you have to know that it comes in increments; 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there, and OMG? Did you just have a good time?

Hang in, am walking beside you smile
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 11/28/12 09:51 PM
Thank you all for the responses. This is a wonderful place to be. I'm glad I was lead to this site. I went to Austin and had a great time! I treated myself to a really nice downtown hotel, saw the city, met a few people. It was great! Being away from it all allowed me to just let go. It's crazy because I felt great until it was time for me to head back. I got home and got sad again. It was almost like I was wishing that H could see me. The emotions that I'm experiencing is now anger. It's hard, but I'm not giving up. I want to be happy, I want to GAL! But I also want love and companionship. At my age I worry that I will never find it again. Most men in my age group, are married, divorced and don't want to remarry, have kids don't want more, etc. It's just I want a family, my own family.... Now Christmas time is upon me, another hard thing to deal with... oh well, it is what it is.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 11/28/12 09:53 PM
You are right. I'm having a hard time dealing I must say. I'm seeing a counselor weekly to talk things out. You are right. I'm going to look in taking yoga classes to help me with the stress. I appreciate you ruby!
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 11/28/12 09:56 PM
Still problems for me, but my thinking has been I'll take that just to get him back (sad I know). I don't know how it will work, sad i know. I don't know if it will ever change. I'll checl AlAnon.
Posted By: Gettingoverit Re: New to the site... - 11/29/12 12:26 AM
I do the same,go to a city,get a room and have no pressure,no expectations. Then I come home and start all over,I would move but my grandchildren are here. also not looking forward to Christmas. We are past all of the firsts now working on year two!
Posted By: MrBond Re: New to the site... - 12/04/12 06:53 PM
Did I read correctly that you had an A?
Posted By: Brahmin Re: New to the site... - 12/06/12 07:16 PM
How are you, are you working on balancing things, it's a tough road we are in.. Keep working on thoughts and feelings, journaling, read big Bruce interesting insights. Let me know if you find any thing interesting
Posted By: MrBond Re: New to the site... - 12/06/12 09:02 PM
Still there?
Posted By: Brahmin Re: New to the site... - 12/07/12 01:26 AM
I ment heartbroken5, mr bond could you put some light into my situation
Posted By: MrBond Re: New to the site... - 12/09/12 11:22 AM
heartbroken5,

Was I correct to hear that you had an A? You know of course that just telling us would be a big help in understanding the dynamics of your sitch. There's nothing to be ashamed of.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 12/17/12 05:30 PM
No, I didn't have an A. He just mentioned in his letter to me that he hope that i find happiness even with someone else.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 12/17/12 05:39 PM
I'm still here. I have been on a roller coaster ride. I shut down all communication and really really starting seeing things clearly. Then at the height of my strength, I started getting text messages, emails, and phone calls. I decided not to respond to any of them, until this last one:

"Are you there, are you ignoring me, are you hurt, has something bad happened? My dad has a tumor in his head and have to have surgery..."

Alarmed I thought.. he needs me. Then I thought, why tell me? I haven't talked to his family since before this D stuff. They haven't called to check on me, why should I be concerned, then I thought he's lying. I allowed myself to sleep on it before responding and then the next morning I called. Nothing alarming, a trick to get me to call him to talk about the divorce papers. I got a bit upset and almost lost my cool during the conversation. I hate, hate, hate, that I answered. I'm asking myself why would I even want this man back? He's played on my emotions this way all the while. My kindness and now I'm back in the corner, upset, confused, and emotional!!
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 12/17/12 05:41 PM
No no affair, I question if he had one. There was a lot of proof, hotel receipts, emails, etc. I would ask, he would deny and foolishly I believed him.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 12/17/12 06:06 PM
I've been working hard and it's up and down for me. I will try to continue to move. I think I am depressed as another member noted. Where can I find Big Bruce's interesting insights?
Posted By: MrBond Re: New to the site... - 12/19/12 12:14 AM
I really don't think Big Bruce is a good example.
Posted By: MrBond Re: New to the site... - 12/19/12 12:17 AM
I read your post from East Indian's site:

"I have began to read your post and had to reply to his one. My situation is the same but the opposite. I had the PA in my R. It would come from both sides. The thing that lead to the D was on my hand."

That's why I asked if you had an A.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 12/19/12 12:54 AM
I'm sorry by PA I meant physical abuse. I apologize I'm just a little all over the place regarding abbreviations.
Posted By: MrBond Re: New to the site... - 12/19/12 01:39 AM
My apologies for misunderstanding.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 12/19/12 02:29 PM
Yesterday I received a text giving me a status update on his father's surgery. this whole situation has been bothering me because for 1, the text message was a ploy to get me to call him back. 2, i have not heard from anyone from his family since this separation/divorce. 3, i do feel bad that i feel this way because there is a concern - i considered these people my family. i don't know why i'm so bothered, my marriage is over and it really doesn't matter if i never see or talk to these people again. i need to let go and move on.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 12/19/12 02:30 PM
No problem, i should have studied the abbrev list smile
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 01/29/13 03:42 PM
I've been working on GAL. It's been tough but pressing through. The bad days are truly bad. I've realized that yes I've been depressed, but I have also began to go to counseling. It's strange because I really want the counseling to work, but it hurts even worse. However, things have been sort of strange lately. I met with a friend of ours, who shared a lot with me about what's been going on and what not. Not sure of what his motive was/is, but he's been saying things like, go and get your husband back. I've been apprehensive about this because of the things that I have read and the actual process. I don't want to go on my hands and knees and get rejected. I don't think I would be able to survive that. A few days after meeting with the friend, the H sent a text to meet. We ended up meeting and i didn't cry not once. I held it all together. It was awkward in the beginning, he talked about things that I really wanted to respond to (it's been hard, can't watch tv, he thought he would break down when he saw me, etc.)... I didn't respond. Then after the ice broke, we got comfortable and began to chat/small talk. We even laughed together. He told me things like I was beautiful and smart, that he misses me.. I responded in a similar fashion. Over all there was a lot of flirting. When it was time to walk to the car and gather my things. He actually hugged me, tight and it was the best feeling ever. He mentioned that we should do it again...and he would call me the following week. He didn't. However we have been flirting via text. I want to see him again so bad, for another hug, or maybe a kiss, or even more. I feel like this is wrong. I'm at a loss, not sure what to do. I'm supposed to not believe anything he says. Any advice out there? I'm lonely and I would love to just be held by him again.
Posted By: BrightFuture Re: New to the site... - 01/30/13 12:22 AM
I think these are positive signs that your GAL and detachment are working! I know it is hard, but donít stop doing it. Continue GAL and keep minimum contact. Wait for him to reach out to you again.

Iím sure that long time members on this board will have more to say.
Posted By: LJC Re: New to the site... - 01/30/13 02:07 AM
^^ good advice from BrightF. Don't start pursuing as you might find he will distance himself from you.

Keep us posted I have real hope for you
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 01/31/13 03:40 PM
Thank you for the encouragement BrightFuture. I really appreciate it. It is soooo hard.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 01/31/13 03:42 PM
I believe you are right LJC. I think that he has began to do that. I don't understand this process. I'm going to get back into the book and do what it says. I just want to get through and get my best friend back.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 01/31/13 04:00 PM
So time is running out and there is the possiblity that the court will dismiss the petition. I don't want it to appear that I am being difficult, but I also am not ready to sign. The last inquiry that he made he suggested that I take my time. His signals are mixed right now. I haven't lost all hope but I am still unsure. The counselor suggested that I write a list of things that I would like to see, to ensure my hope is not empty. The more I write that list the more I feel like I should give up.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 01/31/13 07:29 PM
I can't seem to get him out of my mind today. I believe that LJC was right the flirting back and forth was not a good idea. Now he's stopped communication and I feel like I'm "reaching" getting desperate and clingy. When do you let go of hope? When do I get the strength to sign these papers? When do I be strong enough to give him what he wants? What about me in all of this? I guess that's my real question? What happens to me after I have been thrown away?
Posted By: labug Re: New to the site... - 01/31/13 09:04 PM
I posted to you a while back and it seems things aren't much better for you.

What are you doing for yourself?

Did you go to AlAnon?

You do sound desperate and clingy. I know these are difficult times but that surely won't get him to notice you.

Have you read CoDependent No More? It might be helpful.
Posted By: BrightFuture Re: New to the site... - 01/31/13 11:27 PM
So, he suggested you to take your time with the papers. Do it. Get very busy and tell him that you have other important things to do at the moment. But it has to be real. It will also help you to stop thinking about him every minute. Iíve been there, and when people told me to get busy, I resisted thinking that it would not help. It does help, even for a couple of hours. What can you do to get busy, any hobbies you wanted to do, meeting with the friends, etc.?

He stopped communicating Ė use for your advantage, so you donít need to answer about the papers. Stop communicating with him as well. Just like I said, make him think you are very busy. You donít need to let go of hope yet. This is not the end.


Originally Posted By: heartbroken5
What about me in all of this? I guess that's my real question? What happens to me after I have been thrown away?


I had the same question when my H decided to end the M. He didnít ask my opinion. But, this is the way it is. You need to think about yourself. You will get through this, just give it some time. It will get better and you feel much stronger.
Posted By: momof2cuties Re: New to the site... - 02/01/13 12:42 AM
I just read your posts from start to today, I have just recently joined the boards, I feel like I am in the same shoes except we have 2 children so I can't fully detach. I feel your pain and hope your H realizes what a good W he has and that's not something to be thrown away. My H drinks also and went out weekly with his buddies, mostly on Sundays for football... we both started going out with our friends more & more the last few years and took turns babysitting, it is only the last few months we started dating each other, looking back it was probably because I could feel us drifting apart... it may have been a sign of too little too late as I found out about his affair not long after frown
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 02/01/13 06:31 PM
Originally Posted By: labug
I posted to you a while back and it seems things aren't much better for you.


Well I have had progress and set backs, in the mist of this last set back I remembered I could come here and post. So here I am.. trying to push through it all.

Originally Posted By: labug
What are you doing for yourself?


I've started working out and I have joined a few meet ups to meet new people. My whole life was surrounded about being his wife and him. So, so far so good. There are just some really hard days, especially since I saw him that day. It just put me back to square one.


Originally Posted By: labug
Did you go to AlAnon?


I have not as of yet. I've found myself picking up that bad habbit as well as a way to numb the pain. The interesting thing is that it has lead me to wonder what pain is he trying to drown out. But again I need to focus on me, I tend to always go back and try to figure him out and I need to focus on me.


Originally Posted By: labug

You do sound desperate and clingy. I know these are difficult times but that surely won't get him to notice you.


Yes you are right and I have realized that. I do consider myself to be a pretty strong independent person, but when it comes to him I am desperate and clingy. I feel like he's the love of my life and I can't imagine being with anyone else. I've even been on a few dates but I find myself just saying I don't want this, I want my H back.

Originally Posted By: labug
Have you read CoDependent No More? It might be helpful.
No but I will pick it up. My counselor suggested that I read Boundaries so I'm doing that work now.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 02/01/13 06:41 PM
Originally Posted By: BrightFuture
So, he suggested you to take your time with the papers. Do it. Get very busy and tell him that you have other important things to do at the moment. But it has to be real. It will also help you to stop thinking about him every minute. Iíve been there, and when people told me to get busy, I resisted thinking that it would not help. It does help, even for a couple of hours. What can you do to get busy, any hobbies you wanted to do, meeting with the friends, etc.?


Yeah. You are right. I really need to get focused on my job. I have a lot of projects that I can dive into to keep myself busy. I have also been working out with a trainer here lately which has helped me to release some of this stress and what not. I have also joined a few meetup groups. I have been really aprehensive about going. I tend to break down when I hear people talking about their families and spouses. I guess the point is to just get moving right? But then again, the "friend" of ours keeps telling me out of sight out of mind and that I should go after him. I'm just confused.

Originally Posted By: BrightFuture

He stopped communicating Ė use for your advantage, so you donít need to answer about the papers. Stop communicating with him as well. Just like I said, make him think you are very busy. You donít need to let go of hope yet. This is not the end.


You know, I appreciate this. I don't want to give up hope. However, according to my counselor I should avoid blind hope. Meaning that I should place my hope in R if I see H making attempts towards it.

Originally Posted By: BrightFuture

I had the same question when my H decided to end the M. He didnít ask my opinion. But, this is the way it is. You need to think about yourself. You will get through this, just give it some time. It will get better and you feel much stronger.
Thank you. I just wish that the pain would go away. It really hurts. People tend to think that I'm throwing a pity party or just need to let go. The thing is I am trying, but when that pain and hopelessness kicks in it really kicks my butt!!
Posted By: BrightFuture Re: New to the site... - 02/01/13 07:58 PM
Originally Posted By: heartbroken5
I just wish that the pain would go away. It really hurts. People tend to think that I'm throwing a pity party or just need to let go. The thing is I am trying, but when that pain and hopelessness kicks in it really kicks my butt!!


Yes, I think everybody on this side knows how you feel. We are here for you smile.
Just take one day at a time. I will get better.
Posted By: Lampstand Re: New to the site... - 02/01/13 08:10 PM
hb5,

Just found your thread and it hurts to read. I am married to an addict and the way they hurt us and then ask "Are you mad at me?" is baffling. They really only see themselves, until they get help. My H is probably in a relapse which would explain his selfish behavior right now.

I didn't want to go to a 12 step support group because I thought it meant I was wrong somehow. But the emotional support I got from the group was priceless. I do suggest you give it a try.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 02/01/13 10:42 PM
hb5,

Just found your thread and it hurts to read. I am married to an addict and the way they hurt us and then ask "Are you mad at me?" is baffling. They really only see themselves, until they get help.
Originally Posted By: Lampstand
My H is probably in a relapse which would explain his selfish behavior right now.


I'm sorry that you are going through what you are going through as well.

Originally Posted By: Lampstand

I didn't want to go to a 12 step support group because I thought it meant I was wrong somehow. But the emotional support I got from the group was priceless. I do suggest you give it a try.


I think you all are right. I will try to find a group in my area and give it a try. I do need additional support.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 02/02/13 02:18 PM
I got a text from the H yesterday while still at work about some mail that arrived at the house. One item being a registration renewal for my car. He said he would pay it... very strange. He hasn't wanted to do anything for me since I moved out (with the exception of paying for my drink when we met). He also mentioned that he couldn't stop looking at a photo that I sent to him a while back (while I was truly trying to get his attention) and maybe we can see one another tomorrow (which is today). The text was sent at 4:30 or so and I still have not responded. I'm a bit unsure what to say at this point. I don't want to push him away, but I do want to acknowledge that I got the messages as well as see him. I think I will respond to his text this afternoon, but I am a little unsure as I don't know if seeing him again will cause another emotional breakdown (behind closed doors) for me or if I should just bite the bullet and position myself with no expectations.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 02/03/13 05:08 PM
Met with the H last night we had a very good time together. We talked a lot, laughed a lot, and then began to talk about things. He shared some of his feelings about his behavior in our marriage and I did the same. He kept commenting on how good I looked and how he loved when I laughed. He admitted to a lot of his insecurities and I listened attentively. Our conversation then led to the status of the divorce. He suggested that I don't sign the papers and not worry about that. He said that he was really angry when he filed and didn't feel like there were any other options. He mentioned that he thought he wanted to be single but doesn't feel any happier and he has realized that he does love me and want to be with me. He just didn't know how it could happen right now (the logistics of reconciliation). I told him that those decisions aren't made overnight and how I wished that it could be. We decided that we would step back from the divorce process and get reaquainted with one another. He began calling me Mrs (our last name). It was nice and I feel really good about this. It is a great start, but I also know that I am not to believe what he says and focus on me still... I have waited so long for last night to hear his thoughts, where he is, what he wants as well as a chance to express what I feel and want. Now where do I go from here? I don't want to place any pressure on him. Any advice???
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 02/05/13 02:49 PM
Well, it wasn't real. He's back to divorce papers. I guess I was a fool to believe there was hope.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 02/07/13 10:36 PM
i can't do this. i can't do it on my own.
Posted By: MrBond Re: New to the site... - 02/07/13 11:59 PM
You can. Just hang in there. YOu are worth it. Do you have friends and family right now you can go to?
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 02/08/13 06:42 PM
I'm hanging in there Mr. Bond. I have a few friends here, but am tired of crying on their shoulders. Right now this board is all that I have.
Posted By: MrBond Re: New to the site... - 02/08/13 07:19 PM
That's why you must go out and GAL. As hard as it is, it's something you have to do to start reclaiming yourself. Start of small. Go out for a walk around the neighborhood one day, then go a little farther the next. Then do something you've always wanted to do but couldn't or didn't. Little at a time. The best healing is the one that starts slow and doesn't use a quick fix band-aid.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: New to the site... - 02/08/13 09:28 PM
Originally Posted By: heartbroken5
i can't do this. i can't do it on my own.


This is a dark, painful, gut-wrenching experience to go through. Most of us have been there, right there in that black hole you find yourself in right now. I wish there was a magic pill, but healing takes time. Lots of time. It's OK to feel bad, it's OK to cry, it's OK to grieve. But don't let it drag you all the way into the darkness. Try to keep one toe in the light for now. Later you can put your foot out there, then your leg and soon enough your whole body will be basking in the light again. Just hang in there, I was there and I can definitely assure you that not only do things get better, but they can and will be better than ever before!
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 02/11/13 08:44 PM
That's why you must go out and GAL. As hard as it is, it's something you have to do to start reclaiming yourself. Start of small. Go out for a walk around the neighborhood one day, then go a little farther the next. Then do something you've always wanted to do but couldn't or didn't. Little at a time.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
The best healing is the one that starts slow and doesn't use a quick fix band-aid.


Thank you, I don't think I have been really trying. I've been trying the quick fix method and it hurts more than the actual situation. I went to counseling yesterday and figured out something major. I can't fix what's broken I can only work on me. It's time to let go.
Posted By: tori2012 Re: New to the site... - 02/12/13 01:29 AM
Sorry you're going through this. I know how hard it is. Good that you realized you can only work on you. No matter how sad you are, or how angry you are, your H's behavior won't change. But if you change your own behavior, you might actually trigger a change in him.
((((((((((())))))))))))
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 02/12/13 04:38 PM
Originally Posted By: tori2012
Sorry you're going through this. I know how hard it is.


Yes and the back and forth is killer. One min, I feel like I can do this and the next I don't. It's frustrating

Originally Posted By: tori2012

Good that you realized you can only work on you. No matter how sad you are, or how angry you are, your H's behavior won't change.


Yes, I think what hurts the most is the false hope that I got from our meeting/date. We even got intimate which makes things worse for me emotionally. I've placed so much value on him and our marriage that I now feel like a failure. I don't mean to have these pitty parties but they happen and I'm ashamed of them all of the way. I keep going back and forth of how this is a good and how I have a life ahead of me, to feeling worthless and dumped. I look at the life that we built together and it's all gone. I am the one that has to start over and that [censored] or it feels like at least.

Originally Posted By: tori2012

But if you change your own behavior, you might actually trigger a change in him.
((((((((((())))))))))))


I guess I'm not sure where to start. I've gone dark, come back, gone dark, and come back. I'm really confused about the process. I keep thinking out of sight out of mind, at least that's what a mutual friend suggested. That as long as I distance myself it will get easier for him to let it go. His (the friend's)advise is so different from what's here... I think at the end of the day I don't want to be a loser and it is obvious that I have lost a lot.

I started reading your post and my H is at the same place. You were a good wife, I want a fresh start, etc. We have no kids which makes everything seem "easier" in his eyes, but it's not at least not for me. Your story of how you have gotten through is so inspiring. I want to be strong enough to move through this and move on. I don't see it. How did you get there?
Posted By: tori2012 Re: New to the site... - 02/16/13 12:41 AM
HB5, my journey has been a long one--3 YEARS. And I still feel very sad and worthless once in a while. Some pointers for you:
1. when I say, change your behavior, I don't mean going dark, etc, but changing what you think drove him away. I'm sure you have a good idea of what it is. If not, think about it.
2. Your feelings will change daily (sometimes by the hour.) This is normal. Just allow the feeling and meditate, pray, call someone, or watch a movie till the feeling passes.
3. You're allowed to have a pity party. What you're going through is HARD. But the key is to throw the party and then pick yourself back up, and get back to your path of positivism and love (for you and for your H.)
4. Have you really decided you want to move on? It doesn't seem like it. I think you want to save your M. It's ok to work on yourself and have a happy life while working to save your M. If this is what you mean by moving on, then it's a good thing.
5. I also misinterpreted my H's affection/time he spent w me. he basically sought me for comfort and dropped me when he didn't need me anymore. I had a feeling he was going to go through the D, but I still gave it my all, bc I wanted to feel I did everything I could.
6. Do you pray? Pray for him tonight. Send him love. When you see him, treat him lovingly and convey you ACCEPT where he's at. Don't try to fight the sitch or his feelings.

(((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 12/18/13 06:08 PM
Hi,

I haven't posted in quite some time. My divorce was finalized and I have healed for the most part. Got a life and moving forward.. Our divorce didn't end well and all ties were severed unless there was a question or two via email. I managed to move forward by changing my name back to my maiden and started dating (which was/is bumpy). I was reconnected with a high school sweetheart, our friendship is long distance but I enjoy our talks and visits... yet I find myself drifting off thinking about my ex.. it's been about a year now.

A couple of weeks ago his father reached out and asked me out to dinner. Where we talked he talked mostly about the ex and I listened and then he asked if I was planning on getting married soon... I thought it was odd, but blew it off. He said that he and the ex's mom are praying for a reconciliation still, I thought how odd, we're divorced how can we be reconciled. Anyhoo, fast forwarding to last week.. out of nowhere, I receive a text from the ex!! He asked to meet for lunch. I agreed but was clueless about what it was about. The lunch went well, we laughed and talked like nothing ever happened. He told me that he wasn't seeing anyone and it came as such a surprised I just changed the subject. He asked if he could take me out again and I said we'll see. I was so surprised about all of this, but realized how excited I became int he days after. How I began thinking about him more and more. We text a bit yesterday about our rival football teams.. for a good laugh but that's it. I realized that I still love him and would love to see him, but I don't know what the rules are at this point. Can someone help/guide when dealing with your ex after divorce. Everyone says that he wants me back now but I just don't see how that could be since he filed for divorce and didn't want to try and work it out (counseling, etc.)
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: New to the site... - 12/18/13 08:12 PM
HB, those are VERY good signs. The number one rule in DB'ing is to give the WAS time and space. The LBS hardly ever does that until they well and truly think it's over though. Yours is a classic example, you got D'd and you assumed he was 100% done and so you went about your life and you truly left him alone. In that alone time he finally did the soul-searching he needed and he has probably realized that YOU were not the source of his unhappiness, and that getting rid of you was not the answer. If you're hearing that he wants to R, then it's probably because that's what HE is telling people. And it's probably genuine.

You ask what the rules are at this point. Well, first, do not have any expectations!! Let him drive the pace. Don't look at this as getting your old M back, look at it like you're dating someone new. You know how when you start dating someone you're a little mysterious? You're independent, have your own life, and you keep them guessing as to whether you're interested or not? THAT is how you need to be now too. Sure you have a history together, but in many ways it IS starting over again. And just like when you were dating, HE needs to earn YOUR respect and admiration. Make him work for it.

Second, remember your DB'ing! Much of DB'ing is for life. Remember to keep your GAL activities, even if you reconcile and remarry you still need to keep your own identity to keep the M healthy. Being a little codependent in marriage is normal, but being too codependent is harmful to the M.

Third, decide what your boundaries are going to be. Don't spring them on him right away, but if you start getting serious again then you'll want to let him know what they are. An example might be drinking, you mentioned in your OP that he would call and engage in drunken, angry rants. Does he have a drinking problem? A boundary might be that he needs to seek help for that if you're going to be in an R again. Another might be that if he's going to date you again, then he can't be seeing anyone else. Those are just examples, your own boundaries might be completely different.

Fourth, take it slooooooow. Don't jump right back into anything! If he pushes too hard too fast, don't be afraid to tell him you need to ease into it.

Read through threads in the Piecing forum for other tips.

Good luck and keep us posted smile
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 12/18/13 10:17 PM
Thank you for the reply AnotherStander!!! That is great information. I do feel myself getting a little anxious, wondering if I turned him off in some way. Although I thought that it was 100% over and moved on, I still wish that we could be.. i'll head over to the other forum to get some tips as well. Thx again!
Posted By: Fartiltre Re: New to the site... - 12/18/13 11:04 PM
I love these stories :-)

AS said it all so no further advice from here.

All the best!

F
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 12/23/13 03:11 PM
What it the hocky sticks is going on? I gave up on this man, I gave up on us. I cried every day for what seemed like eternity with not an ounce of hope left to invest in what I believed we had. Now here we are, texting back and forth like teenagers...I stop and think about the reply before I send it. I sit at the edge of my seat thinking what's next... Maybe our convo's aren't like teenagers so much, nope, they are much more guarded... on both sides. As much as I'd like to let down my guard and tell him to just say what he has to say, I enjoy seeing his guarded words cross my phone screen. I can't help but to ask myself is this real? Does he want something? All I have left is my heart and I can't just give it out like that. I'd like to really undersand what's happening. I want to believe that my prayers are being answered but do people really divorce (I mean go through it all - legally) and get back together? My ex has a lot of pride I just can't bring myself to believe that reconciliation is an option. I don't get it, what makes a man totally give up and come back? My girlfriends say keep moving forward, don't look back - his loss... but I would like to work it out..
Posted By: labug Re: New to the site... - 12/23/13 09:36 PM
You can have both, keep moving forward and work it out.

I can imagine how surprising his change of heart must be but take it at face value. Enjoy what you have right now and see what unfolds.

My H and I were apart 2+ years and reconciliation started with a lot of texting.

Go slowly, see what he has to offer, see if he's right for you. wink
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 12/27/13 06:13 PM
I think maybe I've jumped the gun and got my hopes up too high. I don't know, me with my expectations thinking that it could be. He hasn't made any attempts to see me again only texting here and there. I supposed that, that is better than nothing. Us having no contact for over a year. What I won't do going forward is initate any conversation. I'm going to back away and put my bandaids back on.
Posted By: 3boymom Re: New to the site... - 12/27/13 06:46 PM
HB - I know how hard it is to not get your hopes up. I would have done the exact same thing if I was in your shoes. I would just continue to take it slow. Let you ex reach out to you. After every good interaction with my H, I have to secure the bandaids again. Just know that you ex is probably just as nervous and confused as you. It is not unusual to have the WAS take a step back after taking a big step forward. Hugs!
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 12/30/13 01:40 AM
Thank you for your reply. I broke down yesterday and text and no response. I think I have just fallen 100 steps backwards. I still love this man and I want so much to be with him and it's just not happening. To think that I've home so far to be back at square one. All I can do is start over again. I don't mean to sit here and type out a full blown pity party, but I'm feeling just a little pitiful. Where do I go from here?
Posted By: planet Re: New to the site... - 12/30/13 02:03 AM
Originally Posted By: heartbroken5
I don't mean to sit here and type out a full blown pity party, but I'm feeling just a little pitiful.

It's ok to vent. Journal if you must.
It's ok to share with people who understands. Many of us are here in this forum.

Originally Posted By: heartbroken5
Where do I go from here?

UP.
smile
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 12/30/13 02:12 AM
Thank you for your reply and encouragement. I haven't fully relied on the support here. I spent the last year pushing towards healing forcing forward movement, but I made bad choices and I'm back at square one. I have a lot of work to do.
Posted By: adinva Re: New to the site... - 12/30/13 02:33 AM
Square one is very familiar to a lot of people here. You know what to do; pick yourself up, dust yourself off, do the next right thing.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 12/30/13 04:57 PM
Square one is tough. I worked really hard this year to get past hurt. I welcomed new relationships (prematurely), I got out and GAL, then out of no where a little bit of hope to hold on to and now I'm crying the same tears all over again. Wondering why did he reach out, why did he make it seem as though he wanted to see me again? I was strong at that table, maybe too strong? I should have told him how much I've missed him and how I'd love to see him again rather than we'll see. I should have never sent any texts, I should have just waited but I didn't and now I'm back in the same place I was over a year ago. I want someone that clearly does not want me. I can't seem to get past this.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 12/31/13 03:28 AM
So I allowed myself one full day to be pitiful and now it's time to get up and dust myself off. With the new year right around the corner I felt the need to pull out my journal. I don't want the new year to be the same. I've recognized some of the mistakes I've made, trying to fill in the gaps with rebound relationships, drinking and partying.. trying to get over the feelings of abandonment and low self esteem.. Classic behavior that I read about and vowed that I wouldn't induldge in (never say never). So I'm here at a tipping point of my life realizing that one, I don't want to be in a relationship right now. Two, I'd like to believe there is hope after being apart and now divorced, three that I've got to make necessary changes in order to have a lasting relationship with my ex or someone else... I said to myself that lunch was the worst thing that I could have done, but now I see that it could very well be the best... I'm glad I found this site when I did. I want to keep posting, reading, learning, and being inspired by everyone.

I would also like to believe that there is really hope for my sitch...I just want another opportunity to see him again, wondering if we'll ever talk again....idk one day at a time right?
Posted By: 2stubborn2quit Re: New to the site... - 12/31/13 03:33 AM
Yep. One day at a time. I'm glad you're finding some piece within yourself.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 01/02/14 09:43 PM
I did it again, I reached out and asked the ex if he would be be available to toast to the new year early, figuring that he had plans for the evening. He agreed. We met at a local wine bar and when he showed up, he was not the same guy that I met for lunch a few weeks ago. This time I was the one who was a little nevous and he was looking like he had something to prove. We managed to get through it all. We had great conversation once again and laughed so much. Then it happened... the topic of "what happened" came up. I was having such a great time, I said the past is the past, although I hate how things ended up, we can never go back there.. we can only move forward. He seemed relieved. I apologized for the part I played and he did the same. We talked about some of the realizations that we had... He told me about counseling and anger management that he'd taken. I told him that I loved him and would always love him... He said the same in return. I told him a lot of things that I'm not sure that I should have said, like against the rules. We talked about seeing one another again..and we kissed several times. I was thinking how did we get there, am I going to come crashing down soon and get sad again? What do I do now?
Posted By: 2stubborn2quit Re: New to the site... - 01/02/14 09:53 PM
I think holidays sparked a lot of romantic feelings to which we freak out about afterwards. Do you feel you're being pushed into something you're not comfortable with?
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 01/02/14 10:10 PM
No, I'm not being pushed at all, i think i may be doing the pushing. He's the WAS who didn't want to discuss any chance of reconciling..If I could have anything in the world it would be reconciling and being with him... we're divorced, have been for about a year. I NEVER thought we would be here and honestly I'm not sure where "this is". I'm all over the place with my GAL and what I should/shouldnt be doing. i don't want to over or under do it, but I'm not sure as to what to do next.
Posted By: 2stubborn2quit Re: New to the site... - 01/02/14 10:17 PM
It's a crazy balancing act, isn't it? Has he contacted you yet? I wonder if the regular dating rules are what you'd need to expect at this point. You went out for drinks and made out a bit, it's like a date here no?
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 01/02/14 11:18 PM
Yes it is. He hasn't contacted me since texting me "happy new year baby"... I'm wondering if they do as well. I'm hoping to get some insight from the board. I pretty much do NC with him until I feel the urge, but it seems as he does NC with me either. What if we both are DBing with one another? What do you do there?
Posted By: 2stubborn2quit Re: New to the site... - 01/03/14 12:30 AM
Well you do something until it stops working right?Eventually you're contacting him and he would respond in kind. In this case you invited him out for a romantic setting and it workedÖI say give him a couple days of space (like you would after a date) and give him a chance to respond. Gives you time to reflect on what the next steps should be based on how the situation rolled out..that's just my 2 cents, they're probably worth half wink
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: New to the site... - 01/03/14 02:10 PM
Originally Posted By: heartbroken5
then out of no where a little bit of hope to hold on to and now I'm crying the same tears all over again. Wondering why did he reach out, why did he make it seem as though he wanted to see me again?


What happened to that strong, independent person that you said you had made yourself into in the last year? You have GOT to quit having such lofty expectations!! Here's a blurb from what I posted to you earlier:

"You ask what the rules are at this point. Well, first, do not have any expectations!! Let him drive the pace. Don't look at this as getting your old M back, look at it like you're dating someone new. You know how when you start dating someone you're a little mysterious? You're independent, have your own life, and you keep them guessing as to whether you're interested or not? THAT is how you need to be now too. Sure you have a history together, but in many ways it IS starting over again. And just like when you were dating, HE needs to earn YOUR respect and admiration. Make him work for it."

DROP the expectations, they will do nothing but derail you and drive him away. Expect NOTHING. Make HIM earn YOUR respect and admiration. FOCUS on what we are telling you, you've gotten great advice here but you dismiss it and go right back to old habits. Get out. GAL. Quit expecting to reconcile and focus on YOU. The stronger and more independent you are, the more he might be attracted back to you.

Originally Posted By: heartbroken5
So I'm here at a tipping point of my life realizing that one, I don't want to be in a relationship right now. Two, I'd like to believe there is hope after being apart and now divorced, three that I've got to make necessary changes in order to have a lasting relationship with my ex or someone else...


GOOD thoughts, now get back in touch with THAT attitude!

Originally Posted By: heartbroken5
I'm all over the place with my GAL and what I should/shouldnt be doing. i don't want to over or under do it, but I'm not sure as to what to do next.


Again from my previous post to you:

"Second, remember your DB'ing! Much of DB'ing is for life. Remember to keep your GAL activities, even if you reconcile and remarry you still need to keep your own identity to keep the M healthy. Being a little codependent in marriage is normal, but being too codependent is harmful to the M."

Originally Posted By: heartbroken5
What if we both are DBing with one another? What do you do there?


DB'ing is giving the WAS time and space to sort things through, but don't get confused about what he's doing, he is NOT giving you time and space because he wants you back, he's distancing because he's "done" and is a WAS. He's showing some interest again and started pursuing you a little, but you CANNOT pursue him or he'll run. Do you know the squirrel analogy?

"If you try to feed a squirrel by hand, you have to hold perfectly still. It will slowly come to you, but even if you don't move, it will sometimes get scared and retreat. But it will return and get a little closer each time. If you get impatient and make any move towards it, it will quickly run the other way and the entire process starts all over again from the beginning. But if you remain patient, it will come closer and closer until it will finally reach out to you."
Posted By: GotoGirl Re: New to the site... - 01/03/14 02:20 PM
LOVE the squirrel analogy AnotherStander!!
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 01/03/14 04:21 PM
Thank you so much...This is exactly what I needed to read today. You are so right about everything. I need to go back and focus... My expectations are killing me and pulling me back and making me regress.
Posted By: 2ndTimeHurt Re: New to the site... - 01/03/14 05:06 PM
"If you try to feed a squirrel by hand, you have to hold perfectly still. It will slowly come to you, but even if you don't move, it will sometimes get scared and retreat. But it will return and get a little closer each time. If you get impatient and make any move towards it, it will quickly run the other way and the entire process starts all over again from the beginning. But if you remain patient, it will come closer and closer until it will finally reach out to you."

I recently scared my squirrel away. Hehe.

Expectations are a killer. It's hard to do but we all need to remove expectations. My ex always had expectation of me. It creates unwarranted resentment and pain.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 01/03/14 07:08 PM
I believe that I could have as well 2TH. I've been back on track with GAL and staying busy. What are somethings that you do when you find your mind wandering and focusing in on the WAS? I said I would try some type of exercise that I despise and do 3 sets... lol.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 01/06/14 12:33 AM
So I pulled back this weekend and got a text from the ex this morning asking if I had time today for brunch. I asked what time did he have in mind, we agreed and me up at a place hat he suggested. Again another nice time. Irnonically this is similar to the fist date he asked me out on. A friend of mine made a point to bring that up. I know that friends and family aren't really the ones that I should accept advice from. She suggest that I don't see him, saying what's the point, you guys are divorced. I understand the sentiment but to me these meetings are harmless.

After each time I'm learning that the pull back is the safest way... Today was good. We shared a hug initally as well a hello kiss. We talked and laughed a lot once again. It was good. After brunch, we embraced and kissed again. He text me after and said that I looked as beautiful as ever...

I think where I am now is just enjoying getting reaquainted with no expectations. It's totally time to get back to my GAL activities and work on me. I start my work out again this week, I'm looking forward to it.

I love my ex and I see what all of the other members say about allowing them to see the new me and how important that is. He's tried to bring up the past a few times, the mistakes he made and what he's learned.. I keep encouraging him and letting him kno wthat the past is the past. Now it's time for me to take my own advice. Move forward. Honestly I can get caught up in what I want and focus on what's best.

I'm going back to reread the old post.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: New to the site... - 01/06/14 03:04 PM
Originally Posted By: GotoGirl
LOVE the squirrel analogy AnotherStander!!


Thank you, I wrote it but it was based on previous comments I had read on these forums smile

Originally Posted By: heartbroken5
So I pulled back this weekend and got a text from the ex this morning asking if I had time today for brunch. I asked what time did he have in mind, we agreed and me up at a place hat he suggested. Again another nice time.


Good! You pulled back and he pursued, that's usually what happens smile

Quote:
I know that friends and family aren't really the ones that I should accept advice from. She suggest that I don't see him, saying what's the point, you guys are divorced.


Yeah, MWD talks about this a bit in DR. They want what they think is best for you, and they think that putting him in the rearview mirror is what is best. But what they think and reality are two different things. So thank her for her thoughts, but tell her you're going to follow your heart on this and that you hope that she will support you.


Quote:
After each time I'm learning that the pull back is the safest way... Today was good. We shared a hug initally as well a hello kiss. We talked and laughed a lot once again. It was good. After brunch, we embraced and kissed again. He text me after and said that I looked as beautiful as ever...


Awesome interaction smile Just don't push him too fast, let him drive the pace. And keep those expectations low!

Quote:
I think where I am now is just enjoying getting reaquainted with no expectations. It's totally time to get back to my GAL activities and work on me.


Exactly smile
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 01/13/14 07:06 PM
*****UPDATE - NEED FEEDBACK BEFORE I TAKE 1K STEPS BACK*****

SOOOOO... I got a text Saturday morning asking if we were still on for the date we scheduled during brunch. I thought he forgotten all about it, I made other plans.. (unknowing to him i changed them to confirm that we were on). He met me at a little bar that I go to to watch football.. I made friends with a few folks at the bar, by the time he came and got settled we all were laughing talking buying rounds of drinks etc. It was a good time. Our new friends were all talking about how great we looked together and how much in love we looked..We both just laughed and I made jokes about it being our 3rd date. They couldn't believe it, but then we came clean that it was our 3rd since our divorce. Everyone was supprized, we talked about how we still loved one another, hugged, etc. all publicly. We left that bar and moved on to another place for some dancing. The night was epic. He insisted that I didn't drive and by the end of the night I found myself sitting in his car infront of the house. I refused to go in, something in me just couldn't. He understood and then we went to my place, only to find that I couldn't access because everything was in my car on the other side of town. So.. we went to a hotel...We went back and forth about what happened/what didn't happen/etc. We then ML. All night, all morning...We ordered room service and got really cozy. It was a good time. Things didn't even get weird after. We laughed about the crazy night...It's crazy because every time I spend time with him I realize how much I love him and would be willing to work it out, but he has to want that. I've got to put all of this in prespective - pronto. I'm afraid that I am going to use this as a way to believe we are on our way. I want to be realistic.. I want to be able to process this and continue to move forward. Was this supposed to happen? Am I a fool? Am I just reaching? He could have just wanted sex right? Feeback, please, anyone?
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: New to the site... - 01/13/14 07:46 PM
It is very common for a WAS to distance after something like you describe above, so don't be surprised if you hear very little from him for a few days. He's going to think that he overdid things and gave you the wrong impression. Just pull back and give him time and space. Let HIM reach out to YOU. If he does then it's fine to respond, just don't initiate. It sounds like a really wonderful night, so just celebrate it as a nice baby step. Things are not all better now, don't think that they are. At times like this you've really got to embrace patience smile
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 01/20/14 09:13 PM
Update...

I found myself going crazy, trying to figure out what's going on here. We've texted several times since the "date", however I found myself creeping towards heavy expectations... hoping to see him this past weekend, wondering what's going on, why hadn't he text me etc. I know crazy, but something strange happened I didn't break down, I just realized it's time to refocus and throw myself back into my GAL activites. I'm wondering though if I should attempt a 180 as well....i had no choice the first go around. I text yesterday with football comments, he didn't reply until this morning and then text me several times about the goings on in his office. His father also called me saturday telling me about the long conversation that took place on Saturday about us "dating" (i had no idea that we were) and the posibility of getting back together. He said that my ex kept talking about the good time we had and how i seem so different now.. how good i look, how social i am, how i'm doing great at work, how he made a mistake, the things he did that were wrong, etc. IDK. I just listed to what he had to say, played it cool for the most part. He also shared that he told the ex, that there's nothing wrong with wanting to get back with his wife, but you have to do things right and work towards the marriage.. that I (me) can't do all the work and that's what he observed.

While all of this sounds great and knowing that I want to get back with him and try again so much,I just don't want to force myself into believing anything that just may not ever happen...

So while I'm in this "state" I'm going to go back to my GAL activities and push beyond whats happening..
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 01/21/14 05:03 PM
yesterday we communicated via text, regarding the goings on at his job. we chatted a bit but i pulled it back a little. i didn't text last night, i really thought hard about doing so but made myself get busy. it worked.. and continuing about my morning. i received a text saying "morning, just checking in.." i'm at a total loss with this one, fighting myself to not over analyze or wonder what the heck does that mean. could have have sent that to me in error? idk....i replied.. this whole thing makes me nervous...i need to focus on patience i suppose.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 01/25/14 08:04 PM
I think I messed up. We met for dinner the other day to talk about work and what not our convo veered off to dating. I shared my experience and he just shut down saying he couldn't have that convo w/me. Our evening ended and he didn't even want me to touch him. After we parted I called to check on him he apologized for the emotional response. I talked about how I haven't talked to him in over a year and I was really enjoying his company and hoped that we could continue. He stated that he's been reaching out and checking in and wanted to continue. It sounds great but I feel like I could have pushed him away again. I've been emitional since that night. He txt me the following day asking me about my meeting.. We txt for a while and I ended it with asking for a raincheck for the remainder of our evening... No response. I was pretty sad, still a little discouraged but moving forward and staying active. I feel like maybe I got lost in expectations again.. I just don't know how to handle this contact or if I'm doing ok. I don't want to push him away again.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 01/26/14 07:40 PM
Why is he contacting me that's what I can't understand.
Posted By: BrightFuture Re: New to the site... - 01/27/14 12:08 AM
HB, just catching up on your thread. What a story. All I can say is keep your GAL and your changes. Give him space. He is going to act weird sometimes. Iím sure he has lots of feelings to go through, just like you. If what your FIL say is true and your ex wants to reconnect with you, you need lots of patience. Take it veeeery slooow. He is going to have his emotions and doubts. You need to be a prize that he will want to win.

My H also has lots of pride and is very stubborn. So, I can relate. It must not be easy for him to admit he made a mistake. So, your job is to give him lots of space and let him make his final decision on his own.

I can imagine how difficult it must be for you, to have your hopes up, and still not knowing how this is going to end. I would keep the expectation very low and just treat this dates and this contact like something new.

I havenít read your entire thread, sorry. Did your ex have an OW?
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 01/27/14 05:23 PM
Thank you for the feedback BF. I got a text yesterday saying that I am his one and only love. It's weird because he gives a little then pulls back. Gives and pulls back. I don't know how to respond. I respond when he reaches out but have cut out initiating contact. Then my mind goes to well, maybe he sent that to me in error.
Posted By: BrightFuture Re: New to the site... - 01/27/14 07:48 PM
Things like this are not sent in error. I would suggest you to watch and observe without getting too close. It is like a new relationship. You donít want to get too serious too soon. Let him figure it out.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 01/27/14 09:11 PM
thanks for you response BF...I think my biggest fear is him thinking that I'm not interested and giving up.
Posted By: BrightFuture Re: New to the site... - 01/28/14 05:50 PM
Well, I would probably feel the same. Then I would change my attitude to convince myself that Iím the prize and he needs to work very hard to win me back. This is what your ex needs to do too. If you are the one he really wants, he will pursue. If he is still not sure, there is nothing you can do except to give him some time to figure it out. Meantime, you need to be the best you, happy, upbeat, confident, and a little mysterious.

I donít think he has any thoughts that you are not interested. You accept his invitations, you talk to him, you text. Get rid of that fear! It will translate into you looking desperate. He should be the one to be afraid that you will not want to do anything with him after what he is done. Release all the expectations. Enjoy his company and continue doing what you were doing before he reappeared in your life.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 01/28/14 07:25 PM
Thank you again BF for your feedback. I got myself all worked up especially by the last text and now nothing. He was sending me some stuff for work and I followed up on it, asked about his weekend and he only replied about work.. Didn't reply about his weekend, about his day, nothing. It's like he pulls me in and pushes me away. It's not fair.. Sometimes I ask why am I even bothering? Why is he playing these games with me? I don't know I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, emotional,discouraged, and yes afraid. I just feel like I'm going backwards... i just feel pathetic, he clearly left me we are divorced, it is over. What's happening now, I do not understand for one bit!!
Posted By: makingmagic Re: New to the site... - 01/29/14 08:40 PM
HB5.... I totally understand. My MLC h is being overly responsive to me too since our 2 hour conversation on Monday. I am told to let go of trying to understand... let the confusion be OK, and let it be HIS. Just sit back and be patient. In time, more will be revealed. Meanwhile, go get busy with something other than THIS (meee too)... OK?

Lets wait and see.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 01/29/14 09:41 PM
Got a text yesterday asking if i would be able to talk. He called we talked about work stuff and a little bit of personal stuff. I think I'm beginning to see the pattern. It's like you guys said... he's afraid. he's giving a little then pulls back, thinking he's done too much. His dad text me today saying that he's afraid of what people are going to think since he's gone through this whole process of divorcing me...he's dad is like who cares, yall love one another, make it work. I agree. So many of my friends are saying leave the past in the past he left you blah blah blah, you'll find someone better.. it's crazy i know on the surface that what they are saying is true but i also know in my heart that the whole thing was a mistake. an awful, expensive, painful mistake... but then again the ball is in his court. if he wants to work it out, im open... it's all so frustrating.
Posted By: heartbroken5 Re: New to the site... - 01/29/14 10:42 PM
Thank you MM.. I'm getting busy. It's just that he backs up and then comes right back.. gives a little, withdraw... ugh! I'm getting busy or else I'll go crazy (crazier may be better)!
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