Im starting a new thread because my old one has been locked. Below is the link to my first one.
Lost and confused I am still lost and confused, however Im no longer so desperately lost and confused.
I choose my new thread title because that's what I'm going to do.
Water my own grass and make it as green as possible. It does not matter if H ever realizes just how green his grass could have been. Mine will be green!
I had just typed out a long reply on my old thread and I guess it was locked while I was typing it lol, so I'll post it below.
Thanks Bug, CV and AJM,., I guess my eyes are not quite as open as I thought.
Bug, yes they do like some of the perks of being married to us,... It just blows me away that they can still expect the good parts to continue. One thing I have already told H is that he can not have the best of both worlds.
I guess that didn't sink in,.. It might not be good DBing but I can't detach if I'm letting him keep the perks. It would make me feel like I'm letting myself be used.
I have lost me somewhere along the line, I don't even know when! Maybe as much as 8 or 9 years ago when the children were born.
The "real" me would not take crap from anyone!
Not in a nasty way but I would never, ever have let someone treat me the way H did. Well guess who's back?
Even simple things like candles and insense! I love them, I used to always have them burning. Well H gets a headake from certain ones and from mixed smells. ( Even from non burning ones.) instead of compromising and finding ones that didn't affect him, I let him throw them all away.
Why did I do that? I guess that does not matter now but I have ordered some more.
It seems I have kept all of our mutual interests but somehow forgot about the things I like to do that H doesn't. Which really I could use one hand to count them (We really do have a lot of common interests.) but that's not the point. Those few things were a big part of what makes me, me.
I think H realized this before I did, thinking back now, he did buy me some candles about six months or so back. They weren't the ones I really like, I guess I just didn't use them, H actually lit them a few times. They smelt good but they weren't what I would have choose. There is more examples but the short version is, I think H was missing the old me and somehow I didn't even realize I wasent there. (I hope that makes sense.)
CV, I know he also had a EA with this person for at least a year or so, Honestly I don't think he even realized what a EA is. I guess I subconsciously pushed that fact away. I haven't even really thought about it since he can back after the first time. I guess I haven't even dealt with that at all.
It was only reading your post that I thought, Hang on he did have a EA,.. Wow that really must have affected me, I don't know how I could "forget" something like that. I think I have mentioned it here before somewhere but I cartianly haven't dealt with it.
Honestly, I think he did kiss her at the start of the EA, I think he had sex with her just before he left but I have no solid evidence. Just feelings and a dream I had six months or so ago.
AJM, no I don't think I have seen the bigger picture yet. Just when I think I am seeing it, something happens or is said and I realize just how far away I actually am from seeing it.
I want to thank everyone on this board again for all of the support. Mostly it has been people here who have opened my eyes and made me see things. I really think I would be so much further behind where I am now, if it wasent for the support of everyone here.
I still have a long way to go but I will get there, with or without H.
Honestly I don't know that I have been a good DBer but the things I have
Picked up, have made a huge impact both on myself, my children and H.
I do speak my mind a lot. I do throw in a lot of truth darts, just in passing conversation and I change the subject quickly but I'm sure he does think about them later.
I guess I do need to start setting those couple of boundaries and not worry about the outcome. It's the only way to stay true to myself, which I guess outweighs how H will react.
I have changed a lot since BD and I like it, I'm more of the old me but with a lot of changes for the better. I'm no where near finished though.
Yesterday, I recieved a letter for our joint account which is a couple of hundred in debit now, due to things coming out after we opened separate ones. The letter was addressed to me only, H must have taken his name off. When I seen it I was Hurt and angry! My first instinct was to call H, It wouldn't have ended good because I was pissed.
Then I thought I would wait a while and think about it later, well I couldn't wait, then I thought " What would I do if this didn't make me feel hurt, betrayed and angry?" (H was supposed to be paying the ballence and closing the account.)
Then I though, I would probably wait until he arrives and ask him during general conversation. Which is what I did. He denied taking his name off but I don't see why it would be addressed to me only.
I just accepted his answer and there was no anger.
I'm not angry or hurt about it anymore. I'm just accepting it and taking it as it is now my debt to pay and cut my losses.
"If it burns, take it as a lesson learned,)"
It felt good to have dealt with it like that,..okay I think I went totally off topic lol
After hearing aboutmakeup, dresses, nails and all the other crap I heard, I'm actually suprised that things still suprise me lol
Yes I guess I do need to expect these things. It just hard because if H heard someone else having that convo six months ago, he would have said they were crazy. It's just weird.
Sorry that was so long. I guess I have a lot to think about.
I'd really appreciate any input on tonight's not so good DBing.
I'm having mixed thoughts on if i should have had that conversation.
D9 asked to call H, so I called and gave her the phone. When both the kids had finished talking S8 handed me the phone.
H and I were talking for a while and he was saying how he had a good time last night.
He kept thanking me for letting him see the kids mid week.
I keep telling him he does not need to thank me for "letting" him have the kids. Just because of what some of his friends partners have done, does not mean I would ever stop him from seeing them.
He was saying he might come with us on Friday to a carnival, if I didn't mind. I went quiet and said i was a bit worried about us spending a lot of time with the four of us because it probably won't always be like that and I'm worried about how it would affect the kids, when later down the track, we just suddenly stop.
H: "yeah I guess if you get a boyfriend" i replied and said something I shouldn't have.,,"Or when you get a girlfriend, if you haven't already" (AHH It just came out.) He said he doesn't.
He said that even when he does get a girlfriend they will just have to accept that he spends time with me and the kids. If they can't than they can go and get f-ed. He said he doesn't know if that's the right attitude to have but that's how it will be..
If they can't understand that, than they are not worth it.
(Yeah H, Yeah)
H: "it's not like we will be going off and f-ing" (Love his choice of words,..not) "You wouldn't let that happen anyway" Me: "It wasn't because I didn't want to, You are not in love with me and I didn't want to be used, That's what it felt like. I'm worth more than letting myself be used."
H said he had to go, so we hung up.
So about half an hour later, he called back. More general conversation and him telling me all about his work situation.
He once again thanked me for letting him have the kids. He said that's why he took me out with them last night to thank me.,
I told him he didn't need to do that.
H: well i also wanted to, it was nice and i really enjoyed it. We can still be friends. You have been a big part of my life for a long time and you always will be.
H: I just wanted to show you how much i appreciate it. Maybe if i done that more when we were together, We probably wouldn't have separated. Most of the problems were probably me.
Me: Well that would have helped but the problems were both of us but if I'm going to be honest, I don't think you tried when you came back,.. I mean you obviously feel you do but thing could have been different. I had already started changing.
H: What do you mean?"
Me: Well it sounds weird but i lost me years ago,.. Everything i did was about you and the kids.
H: yeah, that's wrong.
Me: i know but i didn't even realise. I brought up the candles (He said about him buying me some a while ago) and said small things like that. Even putting up with your crap, I never would have put up with the crap i put up with from you, Not from anybody.
H: Laughs an evil laugh,.. remembering how i was i think.
Me: I'm never going to put up with crap like that again from anybody.
More general conversation
H: after this time, when I go away for work,i probably won't go out drinking. I'm tired and I blew over $500 at pubs in two days.
Me: I'm not surprised.
H: Now that I'm keeping track of everything myself, I'm realising how much I spend.
Me: I knew you would. I used to try to tell you that. It frustrated me.
More general conversation,.
H said he will go with me on Monday or Tuesday to sort out some things, that really need to be done.
We hang up and I text him that I am not working either day but am unavailable Tuesday morning, there were a few more text and that's it.
Oh and he was telling me about him telling work that "I can't borrow the ex's car"
I thought that was,.. insightful.
He is actually starting to own some of his mistakes and starting to see things more clearly,.. at least for now but it really sounds like he does not want me back. He just wants to be friends, Nothing more.
He said he cares about me alot,.. His head seemed very clear, He sounded like he has been thinking things over and he just wants to be friends.
Doesn't leave much room for hope. It almost feels like i done all the ground work for him to be a better partner to someone else. Nice,.. just nice,..
Well I guess I better just worry about watering my grass,.. Actually I am getting there, I did cry a little tonight after the first phone call. I cried and then i picked myself up and finished off DB book. If this happened a week ago I probably would have spent the night crying.
I can see my own baby steps and really, that's ultimately more important.
Good for you!! I cried all night on Sunday, so still not at your place.
Some days SS I am strong and resolute and some days...not so much.
That was a really insightful post-Thank you
PS
Thanks Ruby. I'm not sure how long this will last but It is a big step for me. The conversation (the first one) left me feeling hopeless and helpless, actually both conversations did but I cried a little and picked myself up before H called the second time. It didn't ruin my night either. I'm sad but accepting, I find trusting in faith scary yet liberating. I'm not quite there yet but I am getting there. I'm just really torn as to weather I should continue on this path or not. Honestly with how clear H's head sounded tonight I think he really does not love me anymore or he is seeing OW. Limbo land [censored]. I don't need H's love anymore, I have mine and my kids, my family and friends. I want his love but I don't need it.
You will get there Ruby.
I'd really appreciate any input on tonight's not so good DBing.
I'm having mixed thoughts on if i should have had that conversation.
I don't think you did anything wrong. You're not supposed to bring up R talks, but your H did and it's fine to discuss it when the spouse brings it up. I think you gave him some good truth darts regarding how you won't be walked on any more and won't allow yourself to be used for sex at his whim. Good job! Next time just try to get him to talk about his feelings more, and if he does then be sure to validate.
He is actually starting to own some of his mistakes and starting to see things more clearly,.. at least for now but it really sounds like he does not want me back. He just wants to be friends, Nothing more.
You're not even to the 2 month mark since BD, have patience!! You are seeing some really good signs already. He is indeed owning his mistakes, that's a great sign. He needs to explore his faults in order to recover. This is part of the process of him coming to realize that you are not 100% responsible for every bad thing in his life, and that leaving you is not his path to 100% happiness. You just need to keep DB'ing and be very patient
I don't believe you did anything wrong in the conversation as such, but I would ask you where you're headed with it. It might be too early to answer. But you still seem VERY available to him, and I'm not sure that's good. It seems like he bounces off of you in order to make himself feel better. Almost "weening" himself from you, gently. I'm wondering if it would be a good thing for you to keep the convo's to topic only? I understand this is hard for you too, so it could be serving you as well. It just sounds like there's an awful lot of chit-chat.
Thank you AS, I sent him a text tonight "Enjoy your night
" He text back he was still at work. He called when he finished work and he didn't know how to take my message. It seems that he really was at a point where he took a lot of the things I was saying as me hassling him. I thought he just didn't want me to call, that he was just trying to make me out to be a bitch for some reason.
He would think I was hassling him, then because of his tone of voice, i thought he was angry because I called, I'd lash out and then end up hassling him.
texting now,.. he says he kinda does love me but doesn't think we should be together because of the things he has done,.. apparently had sex with "one or two" people, says it was not while we were together and all he thinks about is me,..
Sorry CV, thanks for the post,.. i'll reply later.
Im really about to F**K things up right now,.. He keeps texting and i'm stuck on that text about him having sex with other people.,,, i just so want to tell him what i think of him.,,I don't even know if i want him back.,.. Maybe this pain is worth it,.. Love,.. how can he leave, F**k around and then say he loves me,.. that's not love,.
Okay so he kept texting me while his drunk ass was trying to find it's way back to the hotel room. I didn't respond because i was trying to compose myself. When I did I asked him a few questions. Now we are back to being confused and not knowing if he wants to be with me or not.
He didn't reply to my last text.
I don't know CV, I just really don't know any more. This is just exhausting. Part of me thinks that we would just be better off moving on. I'm not a game to be played.
Hey SS,
Be patient. Remember, don't believe a word they say and only 50% of what they do. You're letting this get to you which means you're still not detached from it. Just take a step back and do what you did when you got the letter from the bank. Take your time before answering a text or a question. Let your feelings pass and then answer while level-headed, if at all. Things is, when you've calmed down you might just be able to laugh it off and not answer. I would also avoid getting into a convo when he's drunk.
From what you're saying you didn't know that he'd been with other women. I'm sorry you had to hear this but again, it's something many WAS go through and at least now you know.
Maybe you should pull back a bit and let things settle a bit.
Ahhhh, the roller coaster ride. We all know it well. Like AS said you need to have PATIENCE. He will say one thing one minute and the complete opposite the next..it is he confusion talking.
I'm learning to take what my H says with a grain of salt b/c I can't know for sure if what he is saying is true.
I can understand the anger about the "sex w other women" bothering you a lot. Let yourself experience your emotions but don't react until you've had plenty of time to process this new information.
Infidelity is tough but not impossible to get through (at least that's what others keep telling me).
Hang in there, SS. Try not to respond to his texts/calls every time. Be less available while you're finding yourself. Good luck and come here often if need be!
apparently had sex with "one or two" people,
Wait, what? He doesn't know if it was one, or two????? It's like a little kid who ate a dozen cookies from the cookie jar but got caught, so they think you'll go easier on them if they say they stole "one or two" instead of a dozen.
I can understand the anger about the "sex w other women" bothering you a lot. Let yourself experience your emotions but don't react until you've had plenty of time to process this new information.
^^^Wise words! It's OK to feel the anger and frustration, but don't act on it. Wait until you cool off before deciding what action to take.
Thanks Arsene, Turtlegirl and AS I really don't think I can do this anymore.
If I'm going to be honest with myself, I really don't see myself ever feeling like I can trust him again. It's not like a lot of you were it is just this crisis thing.
He has continially lied to me and to other people throughout our whole 13 years together.
Now what? He is going to think he can just leave me whenever he wants to go and sleep around?
He can say he doesn't know if he is in love with me but then claim that he thinks about me, when he is with other people,...
The Christmas break is going to be so hard. I was really hoping that we could spend time as a family...
I may end up regretting this but for now I think I am going to sit for a while.
He will be my co- parent. My business associate but not my friend. We can be friendly but not friends.
I haven't decided how I'm going to word things to him yet.
I'm probably being very selfish but I'm also thinking about not telling him, until after Monday when I see if he will be coming to sort out my car. I can't do it without him there because it's in his name. I need to get that fixed.
I just feel that I derserve better. Now he has done this once, it will be easier for him to keep doing it.
Honestly I don't even know why I love him anymore except that we did have a lot of fun together. He was one of the few people I felt I could really be me around, who I could tell anything to.
He has been sleeping with people around where he is living now. Over two hours away. He goes there several times a year for work, how could I ever trust him when he goes there.
This is going to hurt like hell and I hope I don't live to regret it but I'm just not strong enough to do this for months on end.
How can I be a good mother when I'm on a crazy roller coaster.
I refuse to be treated like a game any longer.
I really have no idea how some people stand for years.
I don't know how to get past him being with other W, I meant my vows when I said them but he obviously didn't.
I guess ultimately I will be breaking them too. I'm just tired already.
((((()))))
Was in your place on Monday, today I am not. I did not think I could go on on Monday. Today I am good-ish
So this is to say it will pass. I can't tell you how long, but I know you need to not text!! I have taken to leaving my phone in car and its too damn cold to go out and get it. Even if I did, the temp. Won't let me use it and by then I have managed to talk myself down lol!
So, take battery out of phone and bury it in a box in a closet behind seven trunks. At least when you go searching for it, it will give you a chance to not text after all, cuz it's a lot of work to put it back together and wait for it to boot up.
Thanks Ruby. Oh and AS that is typical H
Oh and Mindful, I think I'm ready now.
And here comes the anger.
Today was pretty crappy. I had to work and I have already had the manager yelling at me twice because I should be able to smile, no matter what is happening in my life. I didn't feel like smiling today. It was so hard.
In a way it feels like loosing him all over again. I still felt that he loved me, I still felt that we could try again. No I don't, I do feel he still loves me but that's not enough anymore. That's not how you treat someone you love.
H would really have to jump through hoops for us to try again now. I cant see him doing that. He broke us,,.. And our children.
I took S 8 to oz tag today and afterwards there was a father chasing his son around. S would usually watch things like that while laughing. Today he was watching with a sad look on his face, slowly walking while looking back.
He seen me watching him and "Said his Dads chasing him because he didn't want to put his shirt back on" his eyes were so sad. It breaks my heart.
I have to work again tomorrow too. It's harder to smile and be happy, when someone is trying to force it on you.
H sent me a text saying "Hi" today. I didn't respond, the kids called him earlier and S8 put me on, H says he was still at work and he will call me later. I have to figure out what I am going to say to him.
He wants to come to a carnival on the weekend with us. He was thinking in staying the night on Sunday and helping me sort out stuff on Monday.
I don't want him to come or to stay anymore.
It may not be good DBing but I'm just not seeing any other option. I'm actually confused about that part of DBing. Telling them you will be friendly but not friends.
I'm still going to try to stay to the DBing style, To be a better person myself.
I'm so hurt and the anger, that I didn't feel now comes in waves.
Honestly, I think a big reason why this is so hard for me is because I have never met my father. Yes my kids still have their Dad in there lives but it's not the same.
I never wanted this for my kids. I know nobody does but that was a big fear of mine.
I'm scared of feeling like this for possibly years. I'm scared of the effect it will have on my children. I'm scared of what the fucture might hold. I'm scared if H taking my kids camping or away for holidays by himself, he has never had that responsibility before. Maybe during the day but not overnight, Not for days in end.
I don't know how to deal with these fears.
We got caught in a huge storm on the way back from oz tag, both of my back windows leak in my car I just brought a few months ago. I haven't got the money to fix them. Im really struggling financially. Child support us worked out a lot differently here. All H has to give me is $100.00 a week. I have to look for a full time job now. I feel like I will be missing out on even more of my children's lives at a time where they need me the most.
I'm still so so lost. Not as confused but very lost.
I have a question about detachment. I found this article online that describes detachment in detail.
What is detachment?
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/So I have highlighted some points in bold. I don't understand how you can do these things while maintaining the sentence i highlighted in red.
Can somebody help me out on this please?
There is also more on that page about detaching and how to do so. I found it interesting but there is obviously a very fine line that i can not yet see.
SS, I have the same sort of feelings. Anger almost hatred in waves, I think this is a normal part of grieving. I don't know which way I will land, angry at her or not. I'm praying alot and seeking counsel from my pastor, IC and here. I completely understand where you are as I am there, I'm just trying to ride the wave before I say or do something I'll regret later.
I'm wishing you a calm productive day.
Soul, I think the key to detaching is in simply not feeling responsible for it, or responsible for fixing it.
Perhaps you can better apply this in a hypothetical relationship. For example, imagine that your neighbor whom you really like has a drug problem. She needs a fix and asks you to give her some money. While you might care for her and sympathize with her problem, perhaps even offer some constructive advice that she should probably seek help to break the addiction, you don't feel compelled to give her money (at least you shouldn't.) You might offer to drive her home, might offer to look up the number of the rehab place for her, but the rest of it is up to her. You CAN'T fix it for her, even if you handed her the money.
This might not be a good example because it might not be personal enough for you. Is there someone else in your life that you can try to apply this to, just to mull it over in your head? I think if you try to apply it right off to something as up-close and personal as your M, it might be too much to bite off. Or at minimum, pick a tiny aspect of your H's actions that you can separate.
It's sort of the idea behind not being so available for your H when he calls or texts. You don't need to be rude and mean, but you don't need to hand-hold him through this either.
Thanks Subguy and CV,... I'm really struggling right now. I am out with the kids at a carnival. They are waiting for a ride to start. It's taking ages and I'm standing here all alone watching all the other couples. It's the first time I have ever taken my kids to something like this without H. It's strange and it hurts. I'm trying so hard to put on a happy face for my kids but it's hard.
I'm feeling slightly better now. I was really struggling at the carnival. Especially when the were on a ride that you go inside and i couldn't see them and it took forever to start. It was so hard standing there all alone. Remembering all the years we went there as a family. I kept my spirits up in from of the kids but at first, there was a few times where i could feel tears welling up.
Not good in the middle of a carnival and with make up on! I didn't let them come though. I was able to stop them just before they spilled over.
I ran in to a mutual friend who was there with his daughter (The same age as D9) and his older son. SO we walked around together and the children went on the rides together. I felt better being there with other people and not just standing there by myself when the kids were on rides.
Standing there watching the huge smiles on my kids faces had me thinking,.. "This is what it's all about" and how we really need to learn to appreciate the little things a lot more,. One day you might look back and realise they were the big things. (I hope that makes sense lol)
H had originally said he was going to come but he didn't end up coming. I got excuses about him not knowing if the kids would fit in the vehicle he was picking up and how he was tired. He was going to be taking the kids back with him but apparently was too tired to drive the kids.
I'm not complaining though. I didn't really want him to come. I did at first but not since the last big texting session.
Also that was a first for me,.. a pretty big one it felt like. H has always came to things like that with us. It was a big step for me to take them alone. It might not sound like one but it sure felt like one anyway.
H called to tell me he arrived home. Umm okay then. That was one thing i used to request of him on long trips. He didn't bother a lot of the time. So why do it now? Whatever,..
He said he wanted to come but was tired (Whatever) and i said "It's okay, the kids had a ball anyway. They had a great time."
I felt a little bad about it after i said it but i guess the truth hurts. I've had a lot of hurtful truths lately,.. he can have his too. Is that selfish?
I can't get his sentence of a song out of my head today. I've actually heard it twice today. Once on the radio and once being sung at the carnival...
"Now your just somebody that I used to know"
Everyday is different at the moment, in the way of how i'm feeling/handling things. I think i am ready to let go now. I'm trying to not think about H so much. It's hard but it's what i have to do.
He broke us, he is broken and i can't pick up any of his pieces. Just mine and my children.
I re activated my facebook tonight. Yes i have seen comments other girls have posted on H's status. Oh well,.. it hurts to see but I'm going to have to deal with it and I'd rather sooner than later. I'm hoping that each time might sting at least a little less than the time before, until eventually i don't feel anything.
I have been getting angry here and there but i don't want to be angry. Anger gets you no where.
I've got a long way to go but i think I'm actually starting to accept things. I thought i already had but i had not, Not to the full extent at least. I think that's why the last few days have been so hard. H telling me he has slept with other W, made the reality come snapping down on me. I feel like i'm going through the acceptance stage all over again. I just hope i am able to really accept it this time.
Somebodyyy,.. Now your just somebody that i used to know,.. Somebodyyyy,.. Now your just somebody that i used to knowwww
Sounds like you're doing good in a not so good situation.
I don't see you respons as rude/hurtfull or anything like it.
Thanks UF. I'm trying, I am slowly but surely realising what you all have been saying. It's funny how we can hear thing and think we get it but then one day you actually think it for yourself, on your own accord and then it finally makes sense, the way it was meant to.
You know about a year ago my Uncle was saying how we can all be in control of our own emotions. How it doesn't matter what anybody says or does to you, you choose how it makes you feel.
I thought he was insane lol I just could not accept that.
He passed away almost two months ago.
Now i think he was right, I'm ready to accept that you can and i so wish he was here, to explain it to me, now i'm ready to really hear him. I'd like to hear his story and how he learnt to get to that stage.
He passed away suddenly,.. i wish i had of had a more open mind about it all back then. I hope he is still around to guide me somehow.
Life is too short to live with this pain. I need to find someway to move on from it.
(((((SS)))))))
I am so sorry for your pain. I understand where you are in this. I think DB ing only makes you stronger down the road, simply because everyday you have to work on it instead of saying f#%* it...lol
I think detaching is the last step in this whole process, where you care what happens to the other person and what they are feeling, but it doesn't keep you up nights. It doesn't impinge on your day. You can have compassion and love but you truly see the person as their own person and not an extension of you or something that you have to fix.
I don't know if this is true of even makes sense...but detaching is love without making you crazy lol!,
That sounds good but it s not an easy one to do. I think the trick is to gal as much as you can till your life on your own takes on more meaning than what you ve got now with your spouse. It s kind of like rubbing ice on your wrist to get rid of a tooth ache. You just switch your focus on something else. I think one of the problems some people have is they don t really want to let go of the pain. I know that is true for me. It s almost like if I stop hurting, it ll mean I stop loving her. I know it s not true but it sometimes feel like all I ve got left is that pain. It s like anything else I guess, you ve got to choose to do it before you can actually do it,
Sorry for your loss SS.
I think he's right though, it may not happen over night, but if we work on it then somewhere down the road it will become easier and we will understand that it's okay not to let these actions affect us this bad. That nothing bad will happen just b/c we choose not to feel X or X.
Thank you Ruby, CV, Arsene and UF. Your support really means a lot.
Ruby and Cv i am trying my hardest to detach. It's not easy. Arsene, I am also trying to GAL, That is slightly easier but i'm finding i really have to force the motivation at times. I don't want the hurt. I want to trust in faith that if it's meant to be, it will be.
UF, exactly. We are each on our own path, I chose to entwine my path with H's and He chose the same. If H's favourite food was steak and then one day he decided he didn't like steak any more, his favourite food was lamb. Would that hurt my feelings? Not at all.
SO why then does it hurt, that his choice of being with me has changed? because (In no particular order)
1: It's not what I want.
2: It forces me to change the path that I choose.
3: I miss his and want to spend time with him as husband and wife.
4: It made me feel rejected (Which I'm working on.)
5: I wanted my kids to have two full time parents, living together.
6: I don't like it when my kids are not here with me.
7: I miss the closeness, the companionship the fun times.
8: The thought of him being with OW hurts. (Because i want him to me and me only)
9: I feel he made the wrong decision.
10: I thought we were soul mates.
11: The thought I could have made him feel so unhappy hurts.
12: I didn't see the signs and I feel disappointed in myself because of it.
I could go on but the pattern would be the same. It's all about me, It's selfishness really. Yes I feel we could have worked things out and we could have saved our marriage and both been happy but again that's how I feel.
If you had two options to choose from and you knew the outcome of both but could not change anything, what would you choose?
1: You and your S would stay together and live a relatively happy life together. You would live in bliss but you S would just be happy. Happy enough but not in bliss.
2: your S could go live in bliss with another S but you would live your life happy but not blissfully,..
What would you choose?
Update.
I woke up feeling sad today. I had this almost overwhelming feeling that something just was not right.
There was a Birthday BBQ for a family members daughter and i nearly didn't go. I was going to ask my Mum to take my kids and i would stay home but i changed my mind.
When we arrived my aunt told me i looked good. I have been hearing that a lot lately but have put it down to loosing a tiny bit of weight, Sometimes having a tiny bit of make-up on or a new shirt.
Well my Aunt said "You look good SS, Single life suits you." I just looked at her like, what? She said "you look so relaxed"
That really got to me because I didn't feel relaxed. I felt slightly anxious, trying to fight off the mornings sadness.
I am less anxious and relaxed in that I now don't have to worry about H, When he will finish work, if he will call and want something and get angry if I'm not available to provide it.
I still think about H a lot, probably more so. He is constantly in the back of my mind. I have always had so many thoughts running through my head, pretty much all day everyday. I'm trying to 180 that. I'm trying to push all thoughts of H out of my mind, when i find myself thinking about him and our stich.
I'll leave those thoughts for designated time as much as possible.
I'm also trying to 180 my thought process in terms of actually living in the moment and trying not have 100 other thoughts running through my head.
Also in the terms or emotions. why I feel what I feel.
I checked my phone at the party and had a missed call from H. I was going to call him back but decided not to. Then a song started playing. "I cross my heart and i hope to die, That i'll only stay with you one more night" H told me to listen to the words of that song, Not long before he moved out.
Well i thought H has called me when he has been out at party's etc. It hurt and i guess i was feeling a bit selfish and spiteful. I didn't think it through, I called him back, stood near where he would hear the song and people and called him back. He asked where i was and i said at a party. He said "oh okay" and told me why he called. He asked if i was at a kids Birthday party and i said well,.. kind of. He asked what i meant and i told him that yes it was a kids party but a lot of people with young kids were there such as Mutual friends (Told him a few names) He went a little quiet and then said he will let me go.
I feel bad. That was just selfish and spiteful and i don't want to be that kids of person. I wanted him to know that i am still living my life. With or without him.
He called to speak to the kids tonight but was distant and kinda cold. Not angry just cold.
At the party one of my ex were there. We went out together about 14 years ago. I was only 15 at the time. Well he cheated on me and thought he could date someone else and then come back to me. Well he tried but I wasn't having it. I didn't want to be treated like that.
Well i don't like him lol, His sister was married to a family member, so he is occasional at family get gatherings. I always avoid him and he always try's to talk to me.
Well today he goes
ex "I know you don't really like talking to me but that little boy over there, is that J's kid?"
Me: yes
Ex "That's the little boy i remember?
ME "No he is 18 now"
Ex "No way, are you sure?"
Me: yes, i kinda know how old my nephew is!!!
OMG, People are just insane these days. Seriously. The child he was talking about is 5, the one he remembers was 5 when we were together like 14 years ago.
That got me thinking about a friend saying a while ago that she thinks girls who don't have good father figures in their lives when they are growing up as prone to picking all the wrong men.
I don't think i have ever been with someone who didn't have major issues. I thought H had got past them when we started dating but he changed once we were married.
I still have people telling me they are sorry to hear and some of them sort of dig for information but i don't feel the need to talk about H any more. I don't feel like telling them we hadn't been fighting and it came from no where.
Right now I'd really like some H be gone! Gone from my thoughts constantly.
I love him and I'd love to work out our M but it's up to him now. He needs to get his S**t together. If he does not choose to change, work on him and work on us, then there's nothing else i can do.
The BBQ today was almost the same as if H was not there. Usually we would meet up here and there and talk together and with other people. He could come and give me random cuddles here and there.
I find when people ask how i am (When i can see by the look on their faces and know they are actually asking "How are you coping with H gone?") I always answer "Yeah, I'm alright" no matter how i am feeling.
The question it self kinda stings for some reason. I think I'm too "proud" to say that I fall to pieces a lot.
I can not wait until the point where i can say i am great and actually mean it.
Hey SS,
Give yourself some time. You've got a lot to process and you 're allowed to grieve. Reading your post reminds me of where I was a few months ago. It's not that long although it seems like much longer ago. I still feel that way sometimes but it usually passes much more quickly. You are doing the right thing with GAL and 180s but you just have to be patient and let yourself deal with those feelings. We all fall to pieces now and again, some of us more often than we care to admit, even here, I'm sure. It's part of it. Pick yourself up and get back in the race. Take care of yourself.
Thanks Arsene. I know your right but I just hate feeling like this.
I woke up this morning and just feel like I need to call/ text him. I feel like I need to tell him I love him but the only reason I backed off is because I dont deserve to be treated like that.
I was at a point where mornings were okay. Now they just hard again. I miss him so much today. I miss who he used to be.
You know, I think I can kind of understand in a way, how they can be so messed up. I've usually got a pretty "clear" head but these days what I'm thinking/ feeling can change in an instant. I'm all over the place, I'm sure if I re-read all my posts here, I would find many contradictions I have made. Probably even in a single post.
For the one who made the decision, knowing that the concerquences are on their head, well I can't imagine and quite frankly, dont want to. Especially when there are children involved. My H has told me that it constantly plays on him about weather he made the right decision or not.
Well I don't know if it does but that would have to mess up, a messed up person even more.
I told H in a text about a week ago that I know he is confused too but I found my strength and I regained respect for myself and that I like me. He didn't reply but texted "hi" the next morning. I guess how could he respect himself right now? I know I couldn't if I had done the things he has.
Nobody here wants it, it's why we are here...what do you need?
2: It forces me to change the path that I choose.
And it $ucks, but the really cool thing about choices is that they are just that...choices.
3: I miss his and want to spend time with him as husband and wife.
In what way ? Refer to # 1 and 2
4: It made me feel rejected (Which I'm working on.)
You are not alone. But know that you do NOT need to be externally validated by someone else.
5: I wanted my kids to have two full time parents, living together.
In the eventuality that doesn't happen they need two parents, even if they don't live together.
6: I don't like it when my kids are not here with me.
A lot of us have defined ourselves by our kids; explore why you don't like it when kids are not with you....
7: I miss the closeness, the companionship the fun times.
Me too, but I think it is the LBS who tends to idealize and the WAS who vilifies
8: The thought of him being with OW hurts. (Because i want him to me and me only)
It will hurt. No one wants to think they are not enough. But you are, trust me.
9: I feel he made the wrong decision.
That's fine. But ultimately you cannot decide for someone else, you can only decide for you
10: I thought we were soul mates.
Define soul mate.....
11: The thought I could have made him feel so unhappy hurts.
Me too. That is the worst thought I have. But people have to ensure their own happiness as well. If I or you make someone unhappy, they have to say so.
12: I didn't see the signs and I feel disappointed in myself because of it.
What signs? Hindsight is always 20/20 if you've ever noticed, signs are on both sides of the highway, going in both directions, to be seen by all drivers.
I could go on but the pattern would be the same. It's all about me, It's selfishness really.
Again, see number 7 and 12. And the pattern won't be the same. Once you start to change, the way you interact Is different as well. Once one part of the equation changes it is never the same.
I still have people telling me they are sorry to hear and some of them sort of dig for information but i don't feel the need to talk about H any more.
When people say they are sorry, I like to say " so am I" and change the subject....
. I think I'm too "proud" to say that I fall to pieces a lot.
Personally, I like to say I'm trying my best and some days are better than others. Pride got me to the place I am in right now...I am done with that.
I can see my thinking patterns changing. When I first seen your post (Please don't take offence.) I thought that you missed my point. My point was that it's all selfish reasons really. Then I thought maybe I missed the point. Maybe your questions can really help me. Nobody here wants it, it's why we are here...what do you need?
Need is such a strong word. I'm also not sure what context you meant it in. My first thought was what do I need in a man. To answer that. I feel I need a man who is reliable and honest. Trustworthy and caring. Someone who can respect me and my children and treat us the way we deserve to be treated. Out of this I can say H can be caring at times,... As for me, I need to keep working on me. I need to be the best mother and person I can be. I need to re create my path in life. I need to be the best role model possible for my children.
2: It forces me to change the path that I choose.
And it $ucks, but the really cool thing about choices is that they are just that...choices.
yes they are but H choosing his path has removed some of my choices.
3: I miss his and want to spend time with him as husband and wife.
In what way ? Refer to # 1 and 2.
I'm not quite shour what you mean.
4: It made me feel rejected (Which I'm working on.)
You are not alone. But know that you do NOT need to be externally validated by someone else.
I know I don't and but it can be hard not to take it personally sometimes.
5: I wanted my kids to have two full time parents, living together.
In the eventuality that doesn't happen they need two parents, even if they don't live together.
yes, I know. I am very thankful that H is still in their lives. That he still wants to be in their lives.
6: I don't like it when my kids are not here with me.
A lot of us have defined ourselves by our kids; explore why you don't like it when kids are not with you....
It's not like I need them with me 24/7. They are both in school and do have occasional sleep overs at cousins houses. I don't mind that but when they are with H the quietness isn't so peaceful, it's more of a defining reminder of the realities of my sitch. I worry about them, I just don't feel I know H right now, so it kind of feels like letting a stranger take them. I know they need H and H needs them but it's still scary and hurts.
7: I miss the closeness, the companionship the fun times.
Me too, but I think it is the LBS who tends to idealize and the WAS who vilifies
yes, definitely. I meant my vows and had To remind myself many times of the reasons I love H.
8: The thought of him being with OW hurts. (Because i want him to me and me only)
It will hurt. No one wants to think they are not enough. But you are, trust me.
I know it's got a lot more to do with h but it still stings.
9: I feel he made the wrong decision.
That's fine. But ultimately you cannot decide for someone else, you can only decide for you
yes, I know. I surrender! It's his choice now.
10: I thought we were soul mates.
Define soul mate....
Meant To be, Part of each others divine plans. Kindred sprits. Destined to be together.
11: The thought I could have made him feel so unhappy hurts.
Me too. That is the worst thought I have. But people have to ensure their own happiness as well. If I or you make someone unhappy, they have to say so.
Yeah, I know but it's still hard.
12: I didn't see the signs and I feel disappointed in myself because of it.
What signs? Hindsight is always 20/20 if you've ever noticed, signs are on both sides of the highway, going in both directions, to be seen by all drivers.
. H saying 18 months/ 2 years back that he didn't want to be together (I thought we worked through it.) The causeing fights, the exercising, the style changes, the new aftershaves, the increasing anger, the wanting to buy a motorbike yesterday. I did see them but didn't want to believe it. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Told myself that it didn't always mean A
I could go on but the pattern would be the same. It's all about me, It's selfishness really.
Again, see number 7 and 12. And the pattern won't be the same. Once you start to change, the way you interact Is different as well. Once one part of the equation changes it is never the same.
I know the reasons for him leaving was not because I was selfish, far from it but my reasons for wanting him back are.
I still have people telling me they are sorry to hear and some of them sort of dig for information but i don't feel the need to talk about H any more.
When people say they are sorry, I like to say " so am I" and change the subject....
I could say that.. . I think I'm too "proud" to say that I fall to pieces a lot.
Personally, I like to say I'm trying my best and some days are better than others. Pride got me to the place I am in right now...I am done with that.
yeah. I don't think pride got me here. I think it's probably more so that I don't want to break down. I don't want to feel like this night after night, morning after morning.
Yeah, it would be nice to have all the answers...lol!
In terms of need, look at what you need vs. what you want. You want H to come back and for you all to be family again, but you need reliable and honest, trustworthy and caring. What I am saying is that what you need is so much more important that what you want. Maslow never made a hierarchy of wants....:p
Don't let your wants quiet what you need.
You are being a strong, wonderful role model for your kids and darn right it hurts, it hurts everyday. But your posts show a lot of strength and a lot of insight that forces me to look deeper as well.
Thank you ((())))
If you had two options to choose from and you knew the outcome of both but could not change anything, what would you choose?
1: You and your S would stay together and live a relatively happy life together. You would live in bliss but you S would just be happy. Happy enough but not in bliss.
2: your S could go live in bliss with another S but you would live your life happy but not blissfully,..
What would you choose?
I see your point, but I can't really give a straight answer on this one
Because. And this may seem cynical.
Blissfully is not a word I would use in terms of life.
I think extremely few people go through life truly blissfully, but many feel they should. Many aspire to.
An example.
Many of my female friends/acquaintances talk about how bad they want a family(H,children,house etc)and how perfect things would be.
Many of them got a man, had children, maybe a house.
Then, shortly after everything went down the drain.
Why?
Do they set the bar so high and disappoint themselves?
Are they expecting some miracal cure for all problems, and don't realize how much effort it takes to make things work?
No ones life is perfect, and if you only focus on how perfect life -should- be, then you miss out on the already good life you have.
Sorry, a lot of rambling here.
You are obviously thinking, reflecting, growing. Sweet!
Even though it hurts you stay strong and you try to evolve instead of just shutting your eyes, ears, brain and giving in to the pain.
I can relate to your feelings, it's hard sometimes not to act on them. H*ck, most of the time it is.
Don't let your wants quiet what you need.Love that ^^^^ RT (stealing it
)
To me THAT is about authenticity and integrity. Using this time to reclaim your Self and identify what you want in a relationship. So that next time, whether w H or an Other, you put those stakes in those values and claim them for you.
Thank you Ruby, UF and Tumbling.
I realised today that i am not okay but it is okay to not be okay right now.
I am okay but have times, usually mornings and nights where i am not so okay. I didn't want to feel the pain and still don't but it's something i have no choice in. I need to feel the pain in order to heal. Trying to force myself to heal quicker will not work and probably even prolong it.
I have been fearing Christmas and the holidays. Trying to keep hope that we will be working things out by then. That is most unlikely to happen.
I need to fully accept my sitch and the fact that this will be our first Christmas/holiday season as a family of divorce. I need to face the fact that i will be sharing my children on Christmas day and during the holiday season. It's going to hurt and it's going to be hard but we will get through it.
I have been feeling concerned because H asked if i wanted to get back together in a text message just after he told me he slept with OW's . I said i honestly don't know, I doubt you would want to if i had slept with OM. After that he said he didn't know if he wanted to get back together,..
I have been fighting myself over weather to send him a email telling him i do want to get back together but how it i felt about it.
Had i just said yes i do, what would that have been telling him? That is okay to treat me like that? Well it's not okay.
I wanted to tell him that he told me he still thinks about me all the time, even when he is with OW, so he is either not being honest or he does love me,..
It's not up to me to try to make him see anything. I fear he is still with OW but it's not up to me to try to control the sitch.
I'm finding it hard right now.
Thank you Ruby, UF and Tumbling.
I have been fearing Christmas and the holidays. Trying to keep hope that we will be working things out by then. That is most unlikely to happen.
I need to fully accept my sitch and the fact that this will be our first Christmas/holiday season as a family of divorce. I need to face the fact that i will be sharing my children on Christmas day and during the holiday season. It's going to hurt and it's going to be hard but we will get through it.
Yes it's gonna hurt me as well, guess we will have to support each other during those times.
I have been fighting myself over weather to send him a email telling him i do want to get back together but how it i felt about it.
Had i just said yes i do, what would that have been telling him? That is okay to treat me like that? Well it's not okay.
Good for you, you are not a door mat. You are someone special with feelings and value.
I have been fearing Christmas and the holidays. Trying to keep hope that we will be working things out by then. That is most unlikely to happen.
When my sitch started almost 5 months ago I was sure it would be resolved one way or the other by Christmas. It just seemed such a loooong way off. But now here we are knocking on the door and I'm sure my sitch will drag on well beyond Christmas now. All I can say is try not to be afraid, it may not be the happiest of seasons for any of us but we can choose to enjoy it regardless. I certainly plan to. Any time away from work and with my kids is reason enough to be happy
I need to face the fact that i will be sharing my children on Christmas day and during the holiday season. It's going to hurt and it's going to be hard but we will get through it.
In DR Michele talks about an example of acting "as if"- she said she expected her H to be in a bad mood when she returned from a trip because he was ALWAYS in a bad mood when he picked her up. Then a fellow therapist asked her how she would act towards him if he wasn't in a bad mood. She said what she would do, and the therapist said "then do that and see how he responds". Michele did it and she said her H had never been in such a good mood after a trip. In other words, her own attitude changed the attitude of those around her. So if you go into the holidays telling yourself "this is going to be horrible, but somehow I will survive" then guess what, it's going to be horrible. BUT, how about if you went into it saying "my sitch is horrible, but I'm going to have the best holidays EVER in spite of it!" Then what do you end up with? A PMA. You GAL. You ENJOY yourself in SPITE of H. There's also a trickle down effect where people see your H and say "I saw SS over the holidays and she looked fantastic and sounded so upbeat and positive!" That makes your H wonder what's up with you. And he'll want to find out. This is what DB'ing is all about- change YOURSELF. That is what H will notice.
I have been feeling concerned because H asked if i wanted to get back together in a text message just after he told me he slept with OW's . I said i honestly don't know, I doubt you would want to if i had slept with OM.
Perfect response, leave it at that. You want to make him wonder if he could lose you. You want to be a bit mysterious.
I have been fighting myself over weather to send him a email telling him i do want to get back together but how it i felt about it.
I wouldn't. If he asks again you could up the ante by saying something like "I've thought about it and would consider reconciling, but there is a lot of hard work we'd have to invest first". He needs to know you don't have a revolving door policy with him.
Had i just said yes i do, what would that have been telling him? That is okay to treat me like that? Well it's not okay.
Exactly.
Thank you Subguy and AS. I think I'm going to ask H for a spiritual divorce on Friday. You made me tear up Subguy. I don't remember the last time my H said anything even remotely like that to me. It's pretty sad really.
As thanks again, it's nice to hear if OP agree to what I said.
You are right. I think I lost my PMA when H told me about OW. I pursued a little by sending texts like "I hope you have a good night" he responded positively. Was calling/ texting every night then told me about maybe trying again and then OW. I stopped responding and now his gone cold. Lesson learned! I hope,...
One day when I was shopping and looking at Christmas stuff, I had this calming peaceful, happy and content feeling. It was so strange, like I just knew I was going to be okay. It didn't last long but I'm hoping it was someone giving me a glimps in to the futcure. That might sound strange but here's to hoping.
A spiritual divorce.
When H and I were marrying, the celebrant performed a handsfasting ceremony.
It's a spiritual binding of each others hands with ribbon, they loosely tie the ribbons over the crossed hands of you and your partner. The ribbon is then slid off the hands and placed into a little bag. The bag in to a decorated box, which is then kept.
That box meant a lot to me.
When H comes over on Friday to pick up the children, I think I am going to ask him to come into our bedroom. I'm going to ask him to cut (sever) the ties (ribbons ) with me.
In the state we are in, you can not apply for a legal divorce until you have been separated for at least one year.
A typical hand parting is actually a ceromony With invited friends and family. I don't want that. I want just us two there and I want to cut them together.
I know I will cry and it will be hard but I think I'm going to ask him to do that with me.
You'll get through the holidays and it will be different and sad at times. No denying that.
Start planning now what you're going to do for the holidays. My suggestion would be to plan something that's different so it's not like you're replaying past holidays and H is conspicuously absent. Ask the lids what they might like to do.
Thanks bug. Sorry for not posting on anyone's threads much lately. I'm just not in the right frame of mind for that right now.
H told me he will come and put up all the Christmas lights if i want him to. I think i am just going to do the window ones and any that i can do myself and leave the roof. It just doesn't feel right. It would be a constant reminder of every other year.
He also said he was thinking about either staying here Christmas night, Or staying at someone else's place who lived near here and coming over to watch the children open their presents.
He also said he would come and help me wrap their presents on Christmas morning. He also added that he wont be doing that every year though.
I think i'm going to say no. I think it will be too hard on me and probably make next year harder on the children. I'm not sure yet.
I read over the letter H wrote me just before he left. I think he really was that unhappy. He said he does remember the good times but mostly he felt like a little boy, in trouble all the time. I only stood up for what i felt was right. For how i felt i deserved to be treated.
I realise now that i handle things all wrong. I might have done most of it for the right reasons but i done them the wrong way. I also did some things wrong and for the wrong reasons.
He said he has always said he will do his best not to put his kids through what he went through when he was younger but that a lifetime of this unhappiness is worse.
He said we both deserved better and to be happy.
I just don't understand why he couldn't try to work things out by communicating with me instead of through anger.
It hurts like hell, Especially that he can just move on so easily. I'm going to have to truly let him go. I want him to be happy and maybe i just couldn't do that.
I need to move on and build a new life for me and my children.
I think that's why i have been so sad lately. Accepting that it's over feels like loosing him all over again. I'm struggling with the NC thing but i'm just going to have to learn.
He called not long ago and i was telling him all the crap i have to do still(In the way of forms and maintenance ) I said it's just frustrating because it's hard to move on with all this stuff to work out. He said it would be.
I have noticed that he asks what I've been up to and he validates me! Then hangs up before i can ask him anything. Thats good in a way. I shouldn't be asking him anything anyway.
It's time. Time for me to move on with my life.
I'm thinking
SS,
My heart goes out to you! I know you are struggling w what your heart and mind are telling you to do.
The holidays are going to be hard for ALL of us here (even AS, w the good attitude
or not..). Anyway, don't let your H decide what your holiday will or will not look like. It sounds like you are in a good place to set some boundaries.
DOn't let memories of Christmas lights get in the way of what makes YOU and your children happy and able to get joy out of the season. I know my kids EXPECT Christmas lights and lots of decorations and despite the current sitch I am planning to put them up FOR THE KIDS (& I bet it will make me feel better too...& maybe you).
Whatever the holidays are this year doesn't mean they need to be the same next year anyway. Just do what feel right to you for now. I agree w labug--doing something new might be just what will get you through too.
Thanks Turtlegirl, I am going to put some up but just the ones i can do myself. Usually we have windows, grass, roof and fences done and usually add more every year. Im going to do the ones that i can do but I'm not doing the roof. It usually takes H all day to complete the roof. We will still decorate inside as well. I think i just don't want it the same way this year.
I just heard a song and H used to like it but i noticed he kept turning it off, every time it came on in the weeks before he left.
What a night for a dance, you know I'm a dancing machine
With the fire in my bones, and the sweet taste of kerosene
I get lost in the light, so high don't wanna come down
To face the loss of the good thing, that I have found
In the dark of the night I can hear you calling my name
With the hardest of hearts I still feel full of pain
So I drink and I smoke and I ask you if your ever around
Even though it was me who drove us right in the ground
See the time we shared it was precious to me
But all the while I was dreaming of revelry
Gonna run baby run like a stream down a mountainside
With the wind at my back I won't ever even bat an eye
Just know it was you all along who had a hold of my heart
But the demon in me was the best of friends from the start
So the time we shared it was precious to me
All the while I was dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry
And I told myself for the way you go, it rained so hard it felt like snow
Everything came tumbling down on me
In the back of the woods in the dark of the night
Palest of the old moonlight
Everything just felt so incomplete
Dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry
I don't know that it means anything but i thought it was interesting.
I changed MY bedroom around tonight. It feels so much better in here now.
We will be okay and we will have a great Christmas,.. A great, hard, fun and probably emotional Christmas.
"Faith is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to go on when fear is present".
It's just so strange because things had been improving over the last year, At least i had already started working on me. I had realised a few things and had been making more of an effort.
things were just starting to be better financially and he choose to leave.
We have been good co-parents but H has not helped out much at all financially. He is more interested in buying himself new clothes and what ever else. He did take the nearly paid off debt. I was left with a $600 Christmas layby and overdue house expenses. Whatever reasons he had for leaving, That is not fair. He keeps telling me he will pay for this or that but rarely does, something always "Comes up" but then he buys things for him and the children.
I don't think he will ever be the man i deserve,.. at least not for me,..
The strangest thing is that SOOO many people have said that i have never looked better. I try to appear okay but a lot of the times i am falling to pieces on the inside but yet i look better than ever? Go figure,...
Hello SS. Just dropping in.
Christmas is such a strange time of year isn't it?
And here we all are wondering what it's going to be like.
Freaking out because it might not be how we want it to be.
H and I have been apart for 2yrs.
We spent the first one together - he'd been gone a month when he asked what i was doing. It was a really nice, special, no pressure time. Just us two (we've only had 3 like that
Last yr's one was not so nice. I took my Self to my mom's because I needed to get away from the emotional roller coaster. I went for 2 weeks. I had happy times and sad times. Christmas morning was difficult as we had spent 9 xmas' there but once I got passed that I was ok. It was different but OK.
I promise you will get through it. Your kids will help, I'm sure.
I will keep you company on not initiating/pursuing.
It doesn't do me or the sitch any good.
I've said it before but I am back on the horse now.
Almost riding at full pelt in the opposite direction!
Enjoy the "looking better than ever" compliments from others, we need them
SS- I wanted to apologize to you for being rude. I was very hurt and definitely not able to hear what you had to say at that time. In fact, I sat and fumed for hours, then I broke down. I am sorry that I also took my anger out on you.
Thanks Tumbling. MKB, I replied to you on your thread. I think you meant that for the other SS.
I'm really not doing good at all. The past few days have been so hard. I have not been contacting H. I'm just not doing good at all. Even just half an hour of being around people and doing my best to be okay, Just leaves me so exhausted and emotional. I curled up on my bed today and just sobbed and sobbed. This crying thing really [censored].
The pain is just so intense. Im trying so hard to GAL but everything is just such a huge effort lately.
My head tells me to run for the hills but my heart just can not let go. I don't want to be with anybody else. I want my H back, he is the one I love.
To be honest, I looked at a few dating sites but I just can not do it. H still has my heart and I want it back. I don't want to let him use it as a trampoline anymore.
I just do not know how to pick myself up. Honestly my emotional energy has been low for a while, years even. I think always trying to please H and failing took its toll. It's at an all time low right now. I just do not enjoy anything ATM and I don't know what to do about it.
Im so so lost. I'm trying so hard but it feels like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.
I resent him for the fact that he left, just when things were easing off financially. Now I'm broke and struggling to pay the bills and children's activity expenses. He is able to go out and buy himself new clothes and go out drinking and whatever else. I resent the fact that he is not helping me financially. He always tells me if I need anything for the kids to ask. Every time I do, he tells me he hasent got the money that week because of X,Y. Or Z. Yet he has money to buy the kids things or tell me he brought new clothes etc. That really hurts.
I'm stuck in the mud and I don't know how to climb out. Stupid mud.
Thanks Tumbling. MKB, I replied to you on your thread. I think you meant that for the other SS.
I'm really not doing good at all. The past few days have been so hard. I have not been contacting H. I'm just not doing good at all. Even just half an hour of being around people and doing my best to be okay, Just leaves me so exhausted and emotional. I curled up on my bed today and just sobbed and sobbed. This crying thing really [censored].
The pain is just so intense. Im trying so hard to GAL but everything is just such a huge effort lately.
My head tells me to run for the hills but my heart just can not let go. I don't want to be with anybody else. I want my H back, he is the one I love.
To be honest, I looked at a few dating sites but I just can not do it. H still has my heart and I want it back. I don't want to let him use it as a trampoline anymore.
I just do not know how to pick myself up. Honestly my emotional energy has been low for a while, years even. I think always trying to please H and failing took its toll. It's at an all time low right now. I just do not enjoy anything ATM and I don't know what to do about it.
Im so so lost. I'm trying so hard but it feels like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.
I resent him for the fact that he left, just when things were easing off financially. Now I'm broke and struggling to pay the bills and children's activity expenses. He is able to go out and buy himself new clothes and go out drinking and whatever else. I resent the fact that he is not helping me financially. He always tells me if I need anything for the kids to ask. Every time I do, he tells me he hasent got the money that week because of X,Y. Or Z. Yet he has money to buy the kids things or tell me he brought new clothes etc. That really hurts.
I'm stuck in the mud and I don't know how to climb out. Stupid mud.
I know how you are feeling LIKE A PIECE OF TRASH THROWN AWAY. Well I need to stop with the poor pitiful me act and get on with my life. I am not trash and neither are you. You are beautifully made and someone will recognize your value.
SS, undoubtedly this is very hard, but I KNOW you'll come out of this! I get that it takes a lot of emotional energy to get out and socialize with other people, but it's important to do it anyway.
Think of your emotional energy as a muscle. When you use a muscle a certain way all the time, it gets very good at that one movement but not very good at anything else. Making that muscle to something different is awkward, difficult, and oftentimes painful. But eventually, you train the muscle in a new way and it is no longer painful.
If you look at your emotional energy like that, then it makes sense that what you've always been doing was comfortable and natural. Now that you're trying to do something different, your emotional energy is rebelling because it's hard work to change, especially something that has been part of your life for so long. But once you get through it, once you train your emotional energy to do something different, it won't be so hard, and will even start to feel good and natural. But like exercise, it's not easy and not something you can do once or twice. It has to be a daily thing.
The thing is, you shouldn't even want your H back right now. You did not have a healthy M. I think he was not a good H to you. Sometimes you even see that yourself, I think. Use this time to retrain your emotional energy and your thought processes. Take advantage of every social opportunity to exercise a new way. And when you do good, then you need to really, REALLY commend yourself. Because you will deserve it.
I wish I could flip a switch in you and have you do a 180 across the board. Think of Olivia Newton-John in grease.
I believe your H is using you as a cushion for himself right now, keeping you handy so he can bounce off you whenever it gets tough for him. I think you should go dark for a while, and stop being his "friend" through this. He should have to eat the poison apple alone.
The pain is just so intense. Im trying so hard to GAL but everything is just such a huge effort lately.
So sorry you're in so much pain
I was there too, I could not believe how painful it was. It can't really even be described to someone that hasn't been through it, like the very core of your being has been shredded. I also remember nothing anyone told me helped, a lot of people said "it will get better" and it DID get better, but that was no consolation to me at the time. All I can tell you is don't fight the pain and grief, just let it happen and deal with it as best you can. It'll be over quicker if you don't try to fight it. And as miserable as I was, I feel great now only a few months later! I really thought my life was over, and in a way my old life is over. But there's much more to be lived yet, and it's going to be even better!
My head tells me to run for the hills but my heart just can not let go. I don't want to be with anybody else. I want my H back, he is the one I love.
And you may very well end up back together, don't forget that DB often does restore marriages! It's not going to happen quickly, but there's hope for as long as you choose it.
To be honest, I looked at a few dating sites but I just can not do it.
It's too soon for that. You're barely 2 months since BD, I'm over 5 months and it's still too soon for me. It takes a while to get there. Just deal with your grief first, that can come later.
H still has my heart and I want it back. I don't want to let him use it as a trampoline anymore.
This too comes with time. As you emerge from the grief you'll start working more on your GAL and PMA and you'll get your heart back under your control.
He always tells me if I need anything for the kids to ask. Every time I do, he tells me he hasent got the money that week because of X,Y. Or Z. Yet he has money to buy the kids things or tell me he brought new clothes etc. That really hurts.
Well that's got to stop, have you talked to an L? Your H needs to be paying his fair share to help out.
Just be patient, let the grief happen, and come here to talk about it! Good luck!
Thank you CV and AS
CV, I am trying I do go out but usually just to family members and such. Not having any money makes things a lot harder, I think.
I haven't had my hair done in sooo long because I just can not afford it. I'd like to go and get a message, again I can not afford it. I wanted to take the children to the beach last weekend but once again I couldn't afford it.
I'm looking in to courses and hoping I can get government help to pay for one. I just have no idea what I want to do right now but the only way I can get a job that pays enough is to get some qualifications. I love IT but have no idea what I could do in IT.
Thanks, AS, I know it will get better but I look at some people here, still in a similar place as I am and they have been here for years. That just scares me.
No I haven't talked to a L, Things are different here. Child support is something you have to fill in a form and the government decided what the S has to pay, depending on both wages and the care agreement on the children. They also take out a living amount first. Because H doesn't earn that much, He won't have to pay me much at all. I have sent in the forms but have not started receiving anything yet.
It won't make much of a difference anyway because I will probably loose some of my government payment. I have only been getting between 9 to 12 hours a week at work because "I'm not the right personality" any more.
We don't own a house and have agreed on who will take what, So there will probably not even be a L involved at all.
We just have to wait a year, Once the year is up he can file and then they make a date in court and finalise it, Even if one S does not agree or turn up.
Oh and CV, I'm not a cushion. H has gone dark on me, dark kinda cold and very business like. I just feel so helpless.
I must have missed it. Where do you live and are you working?
Hi Mr Bond. For some reason when I see your username, a deep voice pops in to my head and says " Bond, James Bond " lol
To answer your questions, Australia and I'm working in the fast food industry.
Thanks for stopping by. I have seen your comments around the board are they are always very insightful.
I'm SO So stuck right now, I just don't know what to do. H turned up about an hour before the kids finished school. H laid on the bed and just cuddled me for about 40 mins or so. We talked just in general. I know, i know the cake. I just want him so bad.
Well there is this stupid W on FB who likes nearly everything he puts up. Well i just seen she tagged him on Monday saying they had a great day together. H called me Monday saying he was shopping alone.
I just so want to call him and ask him who she is etc,..
I know i shouldn't. I'm so screwed up right now.
I can't give you any 2X4s. If W was to do that, I'm pretty sure I'd fall for it too.
I'll give myself a 2x4! (Warning, may contain language)
The stupid prick comes over here an hour early unannounced, Tried to open the door and when it was locked, bashes on it. The prick used to get agro all the time if he came home and the door was locked. Really Arse hole?! if I feel more safe with the door looked, I'll damn well lock it. If I go outside to hang clothes on the frigen line I will lock the door, so I feel my children are safe. Awww, Poor little basted has to wait a min for the door to be unlocked.
Tells me he likes how I changed the room, it looks really good and has heaps more room. HELLO Dick wad, that was my suggestion months ago but it was stupid because the bed is no longer in the centre of the stupid room!
Lays down on my bed and decides to put his head on my chest, knowing I always give him a head rub when he does that. F**KING scratch your own darn head Arse face!
Asks me to go with him to pick the kids up! OH yeah, lets play happy family's. I'll be the Mum and you be the crazy arse basted who bailed on his family and comes to get his fix.
SOOO I checked out that skank's profile on another site and boo hoo, she is a single mother of three kids, looking to settle down with someone who loves her for her and loves her kids. Someone who will take her out for dinner and a few drinks.
I'll tell you what if i could stab someone through a computer, i think i would have just done it.
F**KING whore bag, has obviously been through [censored] herself and yet the ho, can still date a married man! One who has been separated a little over two months. How low can you go?!?
I freaking deserve a hell of a lot better than this. Screw him! The F**KING moron could have had it all but he f**king threw it all away. Stupid cow, want to like every time my H has MY kids. She can get her skanky arse away from them.
F++king low life pieces of [censored]. OH yeah,... I think I'm actually feeling that anger this time. I would love to punch both of their faces in, slam their heads together and rub their faces in dog chit.
Actually, can I change my mind and smash the 2X4 in to their faces instead?
You gotta be freaking kidding me! the skank has a D with the same name as MY D Really? How freaking twisted!!! ARRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Ho has the freaking same middle name as me, Sickening. Absolutely sickening.
Okay, I officially su*k today. Yeah i know not good PMA but i really do.
I found a dating site app on our PC a while ago, H said he downloaded it without knowing what it was,. Well I joined a few weeks ago to see if he was there. He was, I didn't use a photo or my real name, location etc Well it somehow connected to FB and put all my real details and my profile pic (Which was me and my kids BTW) So anyway H called. He asked me to log on and accept his friends request. I did and worked out how to change all my details.
So he was about to deactivate his because he is "over it"
so I asked him about this other girl, Apparently he is trying to work out how to tell her he doesn't even like her.
That's nice, he can tell me, His wife of 9 years, partner of 13 years and mother of his children but doesn't know how to tell her?!
I asked him about a whole bunch of R talk. He told me how unhappy he has been for two years! Okay, now we have gone from one year to two. Me not having a full time job was a big thing it seems. He says he cares about me but has no love for me in that way.
I told him that I know I should not be asking him anything but him telling me he kinda loves me, then telling me he slept with OW, then saying he doesn't know how he feels really hurt.
He kept saying he was sorry. We talked for about 45 mins, with me crying most of the time. He says there is no chance for us and he doesn't care if I see OM. He told me about all the things I had done. He told me he is sorry and he wishes there was something he could say or do to take the pain away but there's not. I ended the conversation.
why? Why would I do that? The whole day has just been me doing everything all wrong.
Why did you do that? Because you are human. You love your H and want to do everything to save what God has joined together. Was it a good move? No, but I am as guilty as you are in talking about R when I shouldn't. Like your H, my W went from being unhappy for 2 years to 4 years. Like it is said, they are rewriting history. Keep your head up. You H is so confused right now, he doesn't know what to do.
I doubt there is anyone on this board that hasn't made a mistake or twenty. Don't worry about his timeline. My w unhappiness went from 2 years to 3 years to never should have gotten married.
SS, his coming over and snuggling with you is exactly what I meant by his using you as a cushion to make his fall easier. His asking to "friend" you, etc.
Use this anger to your benefit. Use it to invest in YOU, because he's not worth it (at the moment) and you are. Step away from investigating OW because that can lead nowhere good.
I'm sorry your financial situation limits your GAL'g. Does it cost to go to the beach? It would for me, but only because I live 1000 miles away.
Do you have bikes? Can you go hiking? Do you have any meet-up clubs that offer activities for singles? Just anything to take your mind off of this and focus on anything else for a few minutes or hours. You're going to tear down your health and then you'll have even more problems.
He is not caring for you, so you need to care for yourself. (((())))
Thanks, Grateful, Eyes and CV. (I would really love some honest answers to a few questions, please.)
The beach is about 45 mins away, so it does cost for petrol. I also am not too sure how to get there. I know roughly but H always used to drive. The kids have bikes but I don't.
I just don't know any more.
My H doesn't sound confused at all. He is making me feel guilty for everything. Saying he couldn't change jobs because I didn't have full time work. We couldn't move out because I didn't have a full time job. I should have had my Mum dropping me kids off to school and picking them up so I could work full time.
I used to make him feel bad because I used to get angry that he was going away with the boys, every two months. Well this was years ago and at that point we had not been on a family holiday for ages. Would you be upset if your spouse has a holiday with their mates, every two months? and was not having family holidays? Seriously, was that so awful of me? I'd like truthful answers please.
I got angry because he had been telling the kids he will take them out on the boat. Well he had a day off work and we were supposed to spend it together, last minute he decided to take his friends out on the boat. Yes, I got angry because I thought he should have taken the kids out and his friends next time. It ended up being over a month before the kids got to go because of the weather and his work. They instead watched him drive off with the boat.
Was I really being that selfish and terrible for getting angry about that?
Was I really such a terrible selfish person? I am feeling so bad and so guilty, like it was all my fault.
SO what your all suggesting is the LRT?
SS,
I'm so sorry you are in this place. YOu have every right to ALL the emotions you are going through.
Your H is clearly in MLC--so that means he's in a very SELFISH place right now. H- MY LIFE, MY FRIENDS, MY SECRET OW, etc. It is all about him and he can't see his own face in the mirror if he looked.
Of course none of the things you described are unreasonable, but b/c he wants to blame YOU he's rewriting history and bringing up "old" issues to make himself feel better.
YOu deserve better. Detach... I would suggest "dimming yourself" from him. Now, I can suggest that, but others would say I probably could do the same.
We all need to make our own paths in DBing but I have to say it is easier as an outsider looking in than looking at our own sitch's clearly.
Take care of yourself.
"He is making me feel guilty for everything. "
They all do. It shifts the blame so that they don't have to feel responsible. The only way he's going to feel responsible is if he actually gets what he wants. Take away your friendship. No visits. Write down the times that he has said he was coming over and didn't. Journal everything.
Since you're FB friends (which is weird that he insisted), fill your feed with positive things. Go out with friends and your kids and take pictures that you can put on your feed. If they just so happen to have guys in it, the better.
I can tell you that he'll start turning around once he sees that he can't control you anymore and can't have you any more. Whenever he does come over, have some nice flowers on display and look your sexiest. When you change your dress and appearance, you'll start to feel more empowered and in control.
Thank you, Turtle girl and Mr Bond.
I don't think his having a MLC, He is just really enjoying his new found freedom. He was saying how it was just everything, work and then coming home and having to do things here (Like?) Saying that half the time he preferred work over home. He has actually had me wondering if we really did fight that much, How can I be doubting how much we fought?
He insisted that we be facebook friends? We were already facebook friends before. I have put some photos up on there but as for the guys, The only men I know now are mutual friends. So that wouldn't bother him. He has already said he doesn't care if I see OM anyway.
I can't change my dress and appearance because of money. I'm looking in to doing a course to help me get a higher paying full time job, so hopefully that will change in the not too distant future.
I just don't enjoy doing things by myself any more and most of my friends have small children and partners. On days like today where H has the kids, I feel stuck.
I can't find any social groups around here, so meeting new people feels almost impossible right now.
SS, you're definitely not an unreasonable person. The things your H was doing would set most people off. Your feelings are completely justified. I've said before, it doesn't sound like he has been a good H to you for a long time, if ever.
I understand you have some real limitations to GAL at this point. But be careful to not pad the excuses. It's very easy to let your feelings talk you out of doing something, when doing something has a way of helping you out of your feelings. It's best if you can get out of the house, but you can be creative inside, too. Even doing some long-needed chores will help distract you. I don't know what's available there. Do you have a zoo? A museum? What about packing a picnic and setting up the tent in the backyard and going urban camping? If your kids have bikes, could you borrow one? Try to look beyond the excuses and see if there's a way around it. Act as if you really want to do something and have to be creative on how to do it.
And you might find that your friends with kids would love to have a play date, or even moreso, a girls night out without the kids (which could be watching a movie at your place.)
I'm just concerned that you're talking yourself out of things, when it's really one of the best things for you. ((()))
I know CV. The money really is a big draw back but I do have some friends I could have called. I'm just feeling so worthless right now. He called me today and said "Those shoes the kids had, they're in the bin. I brought them some new ones, I don't know if you wanted them or not but they were [censored], so they are in the bin.
I also got S8 a haircut because he really needed one."
He told me last night I need to get off my arse and get a full time job and support my kids.
Apparently I have made him feel like "A piece of S**T for years"
My IC said today that she thinks I was dependant on him. I can see I was. He made me feel guilty about everything. So I stopped doing things without him, then he used that against me.
Honestly, I think I was overboard with him going out with friends because when my kids were a bit younger, I used to go and visit the lady next door. H would come over and yell and abuse me because the kids needed a bath or dinner. It was so embarrassing. It got to the point where I just stopped doing anything. I probably did go overboard because I resented him.
He did encourage me to go out with my friends the past couple of years but the damage was done and going out without him seemed daunting.
I had to buy tickets for my D9 concert today. It takes hours to go them. Last year, I was so anxious because It's on two nights and I had asked him which one he wanted to go to. He wanted me to just pick and I didn't know what to do. His work schedule makes it hard. It ended up that he was home on the night I didn't get him a ticket. He was in a fowl mood the whole afternoon. I end up messaging him that they hadn't even checked tickets. He snuck in and then he was okay.
Honestly, He could be so sweet and thoughtful when he wanted to be but how can I be feeling like this over someone who treated me like that? I'm just so stuck. I just can not imagine loving someone else.
Also last year at the rehearsal for D9's concert, I realised I forgot my phone. I spent the night anxious in case H was trying to call me. The rehearsal ended up going for a lot longer than I thought. He was in such a angry mood when I got home because I had forgotten my phone.
He also would wake me up, if I was sick and fell asleep. I wasn't allowed to sleep most of the times if I was sick.
What's wrong with me? Why am I struggling so badly when I know how he treated me? Why can't I just let go?
It's difficult, getting out with friends and doing stuff will help a lot. Today I am going on a Thansgiving outreach with a Church that is close to me. I am excited to go and get away from this house for a bit. You will feel guilty for going out, but just do it anyway. Get over your fear and anxiety of having a life. After a few times all the negative feelings of going out will start to fade.
Here's my challenge to you. Find minimum two things that you can do away from home and family and do it, then post on my thread how much fun you had. I will do the same if you would like for us to push each other into a life.
Okay SS I did one of my GAL things for this week. It felt fake and I felt alone, however I did it and next time it will be better. We did a Thanksgiving outreach and impacted (hopefully) some needy families. Good thing I had my sunglasses on cause I cried several times thinking about things. This will get easier and it's better than sitting here at home.
This is a great approach, Subguy. And with SS being on the opposite side of the world, the alternate time zones should make the relay work great. I'm certain this is what SS needs, and it sounds like you do too, so thanks for stepping up!
Hey SS! I know everyone says this, but it is true: Things will get better and you will feel better.
Try really hard to not let his every move and word affect you so much. I struggled so hard with that part, still do. But I get better and better at it.
Keep reading other peoples threads, it gives you answers and strength!
Aloha,
Wendy
Thanks everyone. Subguy, To be honest my first thought was "what a terrible idea" Yeah,.. ummm, It's terrible because I can't see myself actually doing it lol It really is a good idea though, If I look past my own excuses.
I actually do see friends for usually at least half an hour a day, when i don't work. We have a "Mothers meeting" most mornings/afternoons after picking up/dropping off the kids. I went to a friends party a few weeks ago. It's more like driving in areas where I'm not sure where I'm going etc
Well, that didn't happen today, subguy. H was supposed to drop the kids off around 4pm, Well they were knocking on the door by 10:30AM H wanted to use the PC. He hung around for a few hours. At one point we were outside and I went to come back in and H was standing in the door way, He didn't move so I poked him with my finger lol He said " I thought you were coming up to kiss me or something" I said "Why would I kiss you? You don't want me to kiss you" Yeah okay, can we say strange?
I find just being around him my energy picks up. He did come past and slap my arse at one point. Umm, okay. There was no cuddling or anything and when he was going he just said he was going, Gave the kids a cuddle and left. Didn't actually say buy to me,.. Whatever.
So while he was here, my brother called asking if i wanted to go to our other brothers house, they were having a get together. At first I was unsure, I was nearly about to say I will see what happens and make excuses, Then i decided, no I'm not doing that any more. I used to always do that because my plans revolved around H, Well they do not any more and will not ever again.
H seemed a little strange when I got off the phone, he asked where I was going and just seemed a little strange. I'm not sure what to make off that but really, it's none of my business anyway.
So anyway I went to the get together and I did have a few drinks but I found for the most part I was relaxed. Probably more so than when H and I were together. Usually there I would be either anxious if H was having a good time or if he wanted to leave, Or I would be anxious about if he was home from work or where ever and that he would want me home.
Well, we laughed and laughed. There was a few people I didn't know but they were funny people. My stomach hurt and my cheeks hurt. Laughter really is great medicine. I actually went a few hours without thinking about H much. He did keep popping in to my head but I kept pushing him back out. It's hard work but I actually managed it pretty good today. I actually found myself thinking a few times that I hadn't been thinking about him.
It's almost like "OMG, you forgot about H for like 10 mins" LOL
Baby steps right? baby steps for ME. I do find that in general conversation a lot of the things I have to say, include H. I have been not telling those stories but I did tell one today.
I guess that's just normal right? We were together for 13 years, so until further down the track, I guess it's only natural for him to come up a lot in general conversation.
I realised today that I had not forgiven myself. I thought I had but then somehow it suddenly crept back up on me and I was so stuck in the how and why did I do this or that. Feeling so guilty and angry/sad at myself. So I'm working on that again.
I was so stuck in those feelings, that it didn't even occur to me that I had already chosen to forgive myself.
I haven't cried today but that could have something to do with the fact that H was here for a few hours. He turned up unexpectedly and I had no expectations, so it was actually really pleasant.
Thanks, Wendy. It does help to hear that, I just wish I had a time frame lol
Today was a pretty good day.
Well, we laughed and laughed. There was a few people I didn't know but they were funny people. My stomach hurt and my cheeks hurt. Laughter really is great medicine. I actually went a few hours without thinking about H much. He did keep popping in to my head but I kept pushing him back out. It's hard work but I actually managed it pretty good today. I actually found myself thinking a few times that I hadn't been thinking about him.
It's almost like "OMG, you forgot about H for like 10 mins" LOL
Awesome, I'm so happy for you.
Thanks.
I really don't know how long it will last but I'll worry about that when the time comes. I know it didn't really count for your relay because it did include family but it really helped. I hope you didn't take offence to me saying about thinking it was a terrible idea at first. It really was only because the thought kinda scared me at first. That sounds so stupid to write but it really did.It was just a wave of what can I do?! lol
To be honest I thought I would get home and cry the rest of the night but I haven't. I can sort of feel the anxiety, just below the surface but for now at least, it can stay there.
We need a "Joke" thread or something around here. Laughter really does help. Like the sun, shining through the storm.
I can have a good life, a good life as a single mother. If only I can learn to let go, to leave the "What ifs" behind and not look to the future. Live for now, Live for the moment and make the best of each and every moment. Live, love, laugh.
Also, I forgot to add in my last post, Good you you, Subguy, That must have taken a lot of guts to step outside your comfort zone like that and your right, it will get easier.
It also makes you think. You said you were glad you wore your sun glasses because you cried several times. So basically you were standing around with a group of people, crying and yet no one around you knew. You really never know just what people you meet are going through. A smile smile for a little small talk, even off a stranger, could have made a big difference to your day. Yet in this day and age, that doesn't seem to happen much.
Sorry, I'm just rambling but I'd say you would have noticed I do that by now lol
Hey SS...good for you. 10 minutes without thinking of H is ten minutes about you!! I see 15, 20 and 30 minutes just down the street
.
Excuse me for not knowing, but do you have PT job or are you SAHM? Because if not, I would recommend a little part time job..earn a bit of cash for yourself, get a mani/pedi or a couple extra gifts for the babies.
Also, your sense of living for you will increase, because this is something you do for you. It is a GAL, for sure. Even if it is not something you see yourself doing forever, it gets you out of the current mindframe and meeting new people. You get a chance to see how others interact and say "That is what I want to do and hve happen for me."
Yay on getting out there!!
Thanks Ruby.
I do have a part time job but my hours have recently been cut down to about 9 hours a week as I am not bubbly enough any more. A couple of days after H left the manager was having a go at me because I had not been smiling. I broke down (Which is something that I NEVER did in public before BD other than funerals etc) and I told her what happened. She gave me one day to get over it! Really? One day,.. I could have punched the old cow.
I need a full time job now but I am going to try to do a course. I have an appointment in a few weeks with a job agency and I'll find out then if I can get government support to pay for it.
My kids don't miss out on anything, Yes they did need new shoes, they did look crappy up close but they weren't THAT bad. It's all well and good for H to tell me to get a full time job and support my kids but if he was putting in money, it might not be so bad. The end of the year always has a lot of expenses for D9's dancing and school things. Plus Christmas, But my kids definitely do not go without.
Something for myself would be nice but good, things come to those who wait, right?
Thanks.
I really don't know how long it will last but I'll worry about that when the time comes. I know it didn't really count for your relay because it did include family but it really helped. I hope you didn't take offence to me saying about thinking it was a terrible idea at first. It really was only because the thought kinda scared me at first. That sounds so stupid to write but it really did.It was just a wave of what can I do?! lol
To be honest I thought I would get home and cry the rest of the night but I haven't. I can sort of feel the anxiety, just below the surface but for now at least, it can stay there.
We need a "Joke" thread or something around here. Laughter really does help. Like the sun, shining through the storm.
I can have a good life, a good life as a single mother. If only I can learn to let go, to leave the "What ifs" behind and not look to the future. Live for now, Live for the moment and make the best of each and every moment. Live, love, laugh.
Also, I forgot to add in my last post, Good you you, Subguy, That must have taken a lot of guts to step outside your comfort zone like that and your right, it will get easier.
It also makes you think. You said you were glad you wore your sun glasses because you cried several times. So basically you were standing around with a group of people, crying and yet no one around you knew. You really never know just what people you meet are going through. A smile smile for a little small talk, even off a stranger, could have made a big difference to your day. Yet in this day and age, that doesn't seem to happen much.
Sorry, I'm just rambling but I'd say you would have noticed I do that by now lol
SS even if I did take offense, stick to your guns if you thought it was a bad idea (by the way no offense taken), control your boundaries. You were not disrespectful in any way.
People were so busy handing out the boxes of food that my little pitty party did not get noticed, actually I'm glad no one said anything if they did notice. Look at us acting like grown adults lol, who would'a known. It's amazing how codependent I have become, 22 years ago I would have said your were crazy if this is what my life portrait would have looked like.
Should have stepped on her toes or something..."old cow" is right :P
Hey, you could get a job in a call centre, you could be totally unhelpful and no one would notice!!
Okay, I am kidding and I know how hard it is...H's comments weren't about the shoes, it was about you, you do know that, right?
Your children are loved. That is the most important thing of all
SS good for you - enjoying the get together.
I agree w RT, soon it will be 15mins no H thoughts.
We can do this together - finding things to lose ourselves in so that we don't dwell.
- What's wrong with me? Why am I struggling so badly when I know how he treated me? Why can't I just let go?
As for the quote above. I have no idea but I am in the same place right now but I am going to really try this wk. I am going 5 days NC. I am taking it 1 day at a time. I am going to 180 my thoughts. I am also going to write positive messages on the mirrors in my house w lipstick!
SS good for you - enjoying the get together.
I agree w RT, soon it will be 15mins no H thoughts.
We can do this together - finding things to lose ourselves in so that we don't dwell.
- What's wrong with me? Why am I struggling so badly when I know how he treated me? Why can't I just let go?
As for the quote above. I have no idea but I am in the same place right now but I am going to really try this wk. I am going 5 days NC. I am taking it 1 day at a time. I am going to 180 my thoughts. I am also going to write positive messages on the mirrors in my house w lipstick!
I like that positive note on the mirror, except I'll use sticky notes.
Thanks, Subguy, Ruby and tumbling. Today was not as good as yesterday but not as bad as the day before.
I hear you on the co-dependency, Subguy. I really don't know how to get past it but I will not be coming back "here" once I do.
LOL, You actually made me giggle with the call centre thing, Ruby. So true. Yes I know it was about me, not the shoes or haircut. His hair was by no means long and untidy, Just very long for his usual hair style (Which I don't think S even wants any more but likes it the same as his Dads when he is around him) I actually sent him a text a few hours later and asked if he thought I was a bad Mum.
He said no, I know you do that best you can. Patronising bastard.
Good idea, Tumbling. I actually have photo quotes saved on my phone and sticky note pad ones on my PC desktop picture.
There's nothing much to say about today. I dropped my children off at school and went to work.
Well actually I did play the wii. That was something I think contributed to BD. A few days before H was out at the pub till late, I was playing when he got home and I think he got upset and angry that I didn't turn my game off and spend time with his right away.
Honestly, I was starting to get to a point where, I just though, stuff it. Why should I drop everything as soon as he gets home, when he has been out at the pub half the night.
To be totally honest, I think I was in the very early days of starting to detach myself when H dropped the bomb.
H did take up a lot of my thoughts, as usual today but I will get there.
To be totally honest, I think I was in the very early days of starting to detach myself when H dropped the bomb.
H did take up a lot of my thoughts, as usual today but I will get there.
I think that is a place I was as well, so IC is helping me to go down the road of "do I want him back because I truly love him" or "Is it the shock, fear and sadness of the situation"
Right now, I am at love, because I am okay by myself. I miss the emotional connection the most.
Remember to make a little space where only thoughts of you and kids are. I mentally shove H out when he intrudes. When it becomes bad, bad, I run. I hate running, so you can see the reinforcement behaviour I am working on here lmao.
You are not a bad Mum and don't you dare even think of asking him that question again
Thanks, Ruby. I know I shouldn't have asked him and the scary part is, in the moment when I asked him, I really valued his opinion on it. I have no idea why because I have always had a lot of people tell me I'm such a good hands on Mum. His was telling me the other day how tiring it can be running around after them. I feel like screaming that it's a whole lot easier now, then a few years ago.
The shock I think has worn off for me, Reality has set in.
Fear, yes I think Fear plays a part in it for me. I fear, that I won't ever love anybody else, in the same way again. I fear the consequences this could have on my children. I fear H wanting to R and it being too late for me. I fear this empty feeling lasting for years, if not forever.
I don't fear that I won't be able to find anybody else, I just don't know that I will love like that again.
Sadness definitely plays a part, too. I'm sad about the loss of a lot of my future plans, I'm sad for me and for my children. I'm sad it came to this and I didn't see it coming. I'm sad that my marriage is over and H and I probably will not R.
Love, Love plays the biggest part for me. I knew H didn't treat me the best. I knew I put up with a lot of crap from him but I loved him so much. I can honestly say I have never met anybody like H before, He really is one of a kind.
Oh apparently he is "domesticated" now. Yeah, Just keep kicking me when I'm down. I said "That's typical, You didn't do that stuff when you were here" His reply,.. "I had you to do it for me" Nice,.. Just nice.
Maybe after working on yourself and getting away from this for a while, you'll be able to have a new definition of love.
You can do this.
Fear, yes I think Fear plays a part in it for me. I fear, that I won't ever love anybody else, in the same way again. I fear the consequences this could have on my children. I fear H wanting to R and it being too late for me. I fear this empty feeling lasting for years, if not forever.
I don't fear that I won't be able to find anybody else, I just don't know that I will love like that again.
Sadness definitely plays a part, too. I'm sad about the loss of a lot of my future plans, I'm sad for me and for my children. I'm sad it came to this and I didn't see it coming. I'm sad that my marriage is over and H and I probably will not R.
You will most likely find love again, this time you'll go in with eyes wide open and you'll make the decision if this one is right for YOU, not the other way around.
Sad is right, it's sad for someone to give up and walk out on a marriage. Walk out on children with out much of a fight. There was so much love to be given and received if only the desire to work through the issues was still there. That is sad and most likely they will never get it and transfer their unhappiness onto someone else, as they will most likely not work through their own demons. Keep up the hard work and kill your demons RT.
Hers a big ole Tennessee hug coming for ya ((((RT))))
Thanks Bug, I really hope so. Subguy was that to Ruby?
Yes it is sad though but such is life, I guess.
I had a pretty crappy day today. Spent hours trying to get stuff worked out only to be told I needed a different type of paperwork,. Pretty much wasted my whole day,.. Kind of, I just sat there and day dreamed for over two hours. lol the best bit is although H did keep popping in to my head, he was not my main focus.
H called today and we talked for about half an hour. It's nice to hear his voice but it does appear to be loosing it's meaning.
I have been remembering a lot of the bad and not so much of the good. My marriage is over, I know that now. If H and I do ever R, Which I highly doubt, It would have to be a totally new R.
I love the quite. When the kids are in bed or at school, I like not having any electronic noise. I do enjoy music and watching a few shows/ movies here and there but I find the quiet so peaceful, Calming even.
I feel a little bit strange right now. Not quite happy, not quite sad. Not quite content but not quite discontent. I don't feel numb but kinda neutral. I'm not quite feeling afraid but kind of curious.. I'm not excited but not feeling disappointed either. It's kind of like "I just am" If that makes sense?
Yeah, just feeling "strange"
Ooppss that was supposed to be for you lol.
Sorry RT inadvertent hug came your way.
(((SS)))
Okay SS had my second GAL activity for this week. I went to a divorce care bible study. I cried and another guy cried as well, he lifted me up in a positive way. I think I'm gonna like this class. Now to work on GAL for next week.
That's awesome Subguy. How often is the class? Even just having one RL friend who is going through the same thing can help so much, I think.
Well, I went out tonight but it was with family again. I really need to start GAL with friends as well.
I found out H is taking someone away on the weekend. It hurt and I was pissed. My instinct was to call and question him but that would have achieved nothing but him probably denying it.
Also I don't even think I want to know any more. It's none of my business and screw him any way.
What I'm surprised about is how much my emotions actually calmed down and how it's not as big of a deal as if first felt.
That is a big 180 for me because I used to let my emotions drive me. It actually, surprisingly feels really good this way. I like it.
H called again tonight, I'm finding there's just not much to talk about these days. I'm not interested in telling him all about my life, Not wanting to ask him questions, So I don't have much to say..
H called again tonight, I'm finding there's just not much to talk about these days. I'm not interested in telling him all about my life, Not wanting to ask him questions, So I don't have much to say..
Hi SS.
I feel the same way these days.
Right now this is how we feel. Although it will probably change, I think we should enjoy the peace.
Good to hear things are a bit more calm for you now!
That's awesome Subguy. How often is the class? Even just having one RL friend who is going through the same thing can help so much, I think.
The class is once a week. It is nice to have a real person kinda in the same boat, misery loves company lololol
SS, you're making this awfully easy on him. He's taking someone away for the weekend but you're still chatting with him on the phone in the evenings? I don't think you should be sharing your life with him (ie. going dim.) And since you're not asking him questions, I can't think of a reason to talk. If he wants to know about the kids, you can hand them the phone. Otherwise, it seems like email or text would be a good form of communication at this point.
SS - just dropped by to send some respect your way, pass some along for you uncle.
He told you that people can only make you feel a certain way if you let them.
Today was a bad day for me, but being reminded of those words helped me go through the day pretty well, considering.
Thanks everyone. I'm not ignoring your posts, I just haven't felt the need to post here. CV I don't know 100% but I'm pretty shour he did? Either way, I'm done with the one sided friendship, except he called me about one of his close family members who are sick. If its concerning that or she does pass away, I will be there for him but only as a friend. That is as much for me as it is for him. For me to be true to myself I couldn't not be there for him at a time like that. That is if he even wants me there. I am very close to her too.
I'm not totally detached but I think I'm doing pretty darn good. I go for over an hour at times now, without thinking of H or my sitch. I don't feel the need to talk to him.
Thanks Subguy,
I'm finding this whole controlling my emotions to be quite empowering. It still takes work but I'm loving the feeling when I get there. Not letting anyone have control over your emotions is just,.. Amazing!
I have been trying to teach this to D9 as her and S8 have been fighting quite a bit lately. Mostly due to S8 trying to push her buttons.
Well D9 kept coming and dobbing on S8 for the pettiest of things, until I said "D this is getting very annoying!" She replied "Well how can it be annoying if you don't let it be annoying?" Lol She sure put me in my place. Haha
Had a pretty good weekend. Actually H did confuse me a little last night. He sent about 4 messages, asked what I was doing, ended with "You not talking to me?"
I replied a little later and told him I was listening to music, Dancing with the kids, making French toast and drinking bourbon. Well he sent a smart message about me having a couple of drinks and now I can't drive. So I ignored it, heard a few more messages come through but didn't check them.
He called about half am hour later and preceded to tell me about the sick family member. He was crying which is not like him at all, Usially he would only cry if somebody had actually passed away. Maybe it was guilt?
I don't know but I'm not too interested either. If its guilt, then he should know better.
I find now I think I wish it didn't come to this but not about what I can do to fix it. I think the damage has been done. If he treated me better to begin with than it might have been different.
I actually think my self confidence is slowly coming back. My PMA is SO much better. It's sooo much more relaxing around here these days. Sunday the kids were playing with a friend most of the day and I pretty much done nothing until late afternoon. It's the first time I have done that since my kids were born, without feeling guilty! Hey I'm entitled to have a day to myself. I like not having egg shells on the ground!
I'm finding it strange that you can love someone so much but not like them at all. It's pretty bazzar to me.
It's great to hear that you're having some better days! Everyone who has been down this road says it's a process. Not short, not easy, but better in the end. I hope so. I'm not sure when the "oddness" of it goes away, if ever. We spend so much of our life envisioning our future one way, then when we get there and it doesn't look like we imagined, it must be odd. Sort of like in the sci-fi movies where a guy comes home and his W isn't his W and his kids aren't his kids but they all act like it and he thinks he's losing his mind (usually it's the H in the movies.)
I'm glad you're going dark (except for the sick family member.) He's doing a little too much cake-eating from my perspective.
I'm finding this whole controlling my emotions to be quite empowering.
SS, I love this. It is so true. Having control over how we feel really does feel empowering. I used to always be governed by my feelings and emotions and I realize in hindsight what a mess I was. Now, I am less afraid and find contentment in a lot more of my life than i ever have in the past.
Glad to read you are doing well!
((((( ))))))
Thanks everyone. I'm after advice once again. So I was out tonight at D9s rehearsal, when I got home I had a message from H asking me to call. It was from a few hours before. I also had a missed call from MIL.
So I called H back, he was a little snotty because he had wanted me to call h back so he could talk to the kids. I told him I was out.
He asked where I was, I paused and told him the suburb. He asked where in that suburb and I said the RSL. I then quickly changed the subject and ended the call.
So almost instantly he sends a message "Who were you at the club with?"
Followed by another message "Were you on a date?" so I sent MIL a message asking if it was too late to return her call.
I had not answered H's text messages and MIL calls, so I answer and it's H! He said he used MIL's phone to call me. He then asks who I was there with, I hesitantly replied, told him the name of one friend and said and stuff, he asked who stuff was (lol) I told him the name of another friend. These are both my friends but H knows them.
I finally told him it was D rehearsal. (He is going to the actual concert.)
I think my tone may have been slightly rude but how do I deal with this?
Do I simply say " I don't ask you questions about where you have been and who with, so can you please not ask me? " I don't know, that just feels rude to me.
I just don't know how to politely tell him not to ask about me life.
It just feels wrong to not tell him stuff when he asked. I really don't know how he can be so rude to me at times. I have trouble even telling him to not ask questions.
It's not because I'm scared of the outcome. I just feel rude. Really I'd like him to be able to ask and me answer but I'd like the same from him. That's not going to happen and I just don't want a one sided friendship.
This su@ks.
"I don't ask you questions about where you have been and who with, so can you please not ask me? " sounds good. "... so don't ask me" sounds better.
He is cake-eating, b.i.g.t.i.m.e.
You have no obligation to tell him your whereabouts or what you are doing.
This is a good opportunity to set a boundary. I just posted this to bustingout and it applies here.
What is a Boundary?
It is a property line that defines where I end and where you begin. Confusion in relationships often comes as a result of others’ not knowing where our boundaries are.
Healthy boundaries allow us to take ownership of what we are responsible for and to whom we are responsible. They provide a structure for balance and success in life and work. When we are free to set limits without guilt; we are also free to love without resentment.
Setting boundaries is not a means of an end to relationship. It is the means to laying the groundwork for improving relationships. Limits draw a line of respect. Without respect, love begins to erode.
Achieving a healthy life balance requires us to establish personal boundaries around the things we value in our lives. Modeling this behavior and respecting it in others will go a long way in developing authentic and lasting relationships.
He is attempting to control you. His behavior is like a child who doesn't get his way and then throws a tantrum.
Let him know that you don't appreciate the way he is treating you and you will not tolerate it. Then when he tries to cross the line, act on it.
He won't like it, but there isn't a way around it. Protect yourself.
I'm finding this whole controlling my emotions to be quite empowering.
So true! When I was younger I always had the idea that if I controlled my emotions I would be weak or a "push over".
Now I know better, and see it's actually the complete opposite. Ahh...being young and dumb..I almost miss it
And LITB post is spot on. Boundaries are not evil, they are not ment to hurt people.
It's about having healthy respect, and creating security. Even if people ACT upset about it, they FEEL the security and respect.
It's like LITB says about children, they don't like it but they need it.
I'm finding this whole controlling my emotions to be quite empowering.
So true! When I was younger I always had the idea that if I controlled my emotions I would be weak or a "push over".
Now I know better, and see it's actually the complete opposite. Ahh...being young and dumb..I almost miss it
And LITB post is spot on. Boundaries are not evil, they are not ment to hurt people.
It's about having healthy respect, and creating security. Even if people ACT upset about it, they FEEL the security and respect.
It's like LITB says about children, they don't like it but they need it.
A real boundary is not designed to oppress anyone else, it's simply to protect you from being violated.
I really like your quote, LITB. It's a great definition.
SS,
MY H recently asked the same probing questions about my whereabouts when I went for an innocent walk up in our neighborhood & ended up talking to some friends for 45 minutes.
I was vague at first but felt ridiculous not telling him. (I think he thinks I might be trying to talk w our divorced next-door neighbor!)
Anyway I agree that boundaries do need to be set. I think it is all in the TONE in which you set your boundaries they way they will be interpreted. Say it nicely, not defensively or rudely and it will more likely be received better. (Let me know how it goes b/c my H is totally cake-eating right now & I know it & haven't done the whole boundary-setting things either...but I've been thinking A LOT about it).
Thanks everyone.
LITB that was a great post on boundary's and I think your right about the control and tantrums.
DLS, I love the way you put that.
Turtlegirl, I think your definitely right about the tone.
My thread is over 100 posts, so I started a new thread and I'll request for this one to be closed.
Thanks again to all of you. It really does help, I wish we could all meet up and have group meetings. lol
My new thread is below.
The green green grass of home. (Part 2 )