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Posted By: djrluvw Not sure where we are going - 10/28/12 09:09 PM
Hi,

This is my first time posting to any type of forum. Anyway basically my W and I have been living seperately but in the same house since 6/23/2012. Our 10th anniversary would have been in Jan 2013. We have an 8 year old boy. Last two - three years have been tough. I am a recoverd alcholholic who just celebrated 23 yrs of sobriety but for several years I stopped going to meeting until I started again in Aug 2010. Going back helped a ton but during the last year that I wasn;t going my attitude stunk and if definatley affected our marriage. Sometime in there my W was diagnosed with OCD which also added strain to our our marriage. Took two years to get meds right show she could function. So two sick people together in the same house and here we are today living seperately. I got the ILUBANILWU talk in June. I suspect at least some emotional indidelity with a FB contact from England. SHe travelled there in September so not sure how far anything went if at all. I have come to the conclusion and my W has confirmed it that she is going through a MLC (40 last December). She wants to move out but has not been able to find a job. ( not fo the lack of trying) I have read most of DR and am currently working on the last resort strategy. Made all the normal mistakes like pleading, reminding her of the postitives and good time and dragging her to counselling. I have stopped doing those things though because she continues to tell me that she is "not ready to work on our marriage at ths time". She is currently staying at mo mom's while mom is away on vacation because she needed a break from all the underlying tension between us. Funny thing is we have talked more since June about all kinds of things than we have in the last two years. We don't fight, are reasonable patience with each other and are kind to each other. I will say that she can get very depressed very quickly if the slighest thing goes wrong. Anyway I am not interested is a D and am committed to saving our marriage even if she is not although it is a huge emotional roller coaster. I know i have to be cool and let her go through her stuff but it's not easy. I prayer for her every day.
M-49
H-40
S-8
M-9 years
T-11
Living seperately in same house since June 2012
Posted By: Cadet Re: Not sure where we are going - 10/29/12 10:58 PM
Welcome to the board.

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
Use it wisely.

Knowledge is Power.
Posted By: djrluvw Re: Not sure where we are going - 10/30/12 12:15 AM
Thanks,

working very hard at detaching but sometimes it feels as if i am giving up.
I am keeping very busy and that helps...sons hockey coach etc, work, etc but some days my W calls me 2-3 times per day about logistical stuff or just to check in. It can be confusing sometimes.My friends in AA all advise to be loving, patience, kind but let go at the same time.
Posted By: AnotherStander Re: Not sure where we are going - 10/30/12 06:24 PM
Originally Posted By: djrluvw

I have come to the conclusion and my W has confirmed it that she is going through a MLC (40 last December).


Take a look at the MLC forum here and go through the stickies at the top. There's a lot of helpful info there. If she is going through MLC, then you've got a long, rough road ahead. MLC can take years to resolve. There is little you can do except give her time and space and concentrate on your own happiness. That's the detachment Cadet mentioned- detach from the roller coaster that is your MLC wife and work on yourself. Get a life- get back into old hobbies, pick up new ones, get back in shape, reach out to old friends, make new ones. Work on YOU.

Quote:
I have read most of DR and am currently working on the last resort strategy.


Almost impossible to do if you're under the same roof and have a kid. I wouldn't go there yet, just work on detaching, doing 180's on your faults and maybe trying to show her love using techniques from the 5 Love Languages. If she moves out then you can pursue the LRT then.

Quote:
I have stopped doing those things though because she continues to tell me that she is "not ready to work on our marriage at ths time".


Good, leave those things behind for now and do not talk about the M AT ALL. If your W wants to discuss it then that's fine, but don't initiate it yourself.

Quote:
Funny thing is we have talked more since June about all kinds of things than we have in the last two years.


That's a good sign. Keep it up, try to be a good friend to her.
Posted By: djrluvw Re: Not sure where we are going - 11/01/12 01:00 AM
Thanks for the comments and encouragment. It is comforting to have a place to share this with other people. A couple of weeks ago when my W was very low and depressed I suggested she go stay at my moms while she was away travelling. Well she came home tonight but is pretty down about not being able to find a job and not being able to move. I just listened and let her get it off her chest. She asked me what things were going to look like now that she is back. I suggested that it was up to her and that we knew that her stay at my mom's was only temporary. All I can do is be patience and loving. I must say that Ii was kinda of nice not to have the negative energy in the house while she was away.
I am going to reread the 180's after your suggestiand take a look at the MLC form.
Thanks again
Posted By: MrBond Re: Not sure where we are going - 11/01/12 07:47 PM
Have you read DR? You need to do that first.
Posted By: djrluvw Re: Not sure where we are going - 11/02/12 01:57 AM
Yes I have..I am rereading it now. I usually read something like this and then go back and read again.
Posted By: djrluvw Re: Not sure where we are going - 11/03/12 07:34 PM
Good Afternoon,
Well W has been home since Wednesday night after her short hiatus at my Mom's. She has been mostly pleasant, and has even planned dinner and a family movie tonight with all of us. I don't think anything has changed but at least it does not seem as tense. I am working on GAL and detaching and have not brought up our M at all. I spent most of the summer taking a hard and honest look at my part of our issues and am working hard at changing the part of me that can be improved. That said I have come to the conclusion that I am good husband a good father. It is sad to go through this but I pray eveyday that my W finds her happiness and if it is to be with me great but if not I know I will be OK. I do worry about how this is going to affect S8. He was pretty verbal about not liking going between our house and my Mom's when she stayed over there. I struggle a little with expectation but am working on it as well....my go to prayer right now is "God grant me the serentiy....to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the differance...
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Not sure where we are going - 11/03/12 11:32 PM
Why does your W think she's having a MLC? Being 40, stressed and having an A doesn't necessarily mean she have a MLC.

If she really is...the folks on the MLC forum may be a lot of help with their advice. Honestly, I hope she's a WAW, b/c that doesn't always last as long as a MLC. I honestly believe from what a lot of LBH's say that they had rather believe their W is having a MLC...than the alternative. IDK, but there sure are a lot of them who say very much the same as you have.

Either way, I hope you'll stick with us. If you'll take the advice here...it could save your M, and especially save you. I know it certainly saved mine. I was the WAW who had been M many years. I thought I was having a MLC too. But people on the board kept telling me I was too old to be in mid-life! I guess they were right, but I tend to believe if one can have a MLC in their 20's, as MWD says....then surely they can have one many years later.

But here's the point I want to make. Whatever the diagnois, your M is in serious trouble. Don't ignore that. Read the book and read all the threads you can read here on the board. If you can afford the coaching, get it. If not, then keep posting and reading. Do it every day, b/c people will respond more if you will do it regularly.

One thing you're going to hear a lot is to work at improving yourself b/c that's the only person you control. If you will do that one thing....you will be so much happier. You have already taken a giant step by getting back into your regular AA meetings. That's got to cause you to have more self respect. Others will too. Stay with it.

Don't give up!
Posted By: PeteWyo Re: Not sure where we are going - 11/04/12 12:04 AM
Originally Posted By: djrluvw
working very hard at detaching but sometimes it feels as if i am giving up.


djr, i wanted to comment to this since I also struggled with the concept of detaching. The key is not to detach from your wife. The key is to detach from your feelings for her. Don't shut her out, but in a sense you have to stop treating her like your wife, at least as you know her. She is in a fog right now. All you can do is be nice and cordial to her and be the best person you can be. Do as many 180s as you can, for YOU. I am in a similar situation where I feel that the reasons she was unhappy seemed trivial to me. What's important, as eyesopen and my IC pointed out, is that it doesn't matter. whatever she is going through, she believes that they are reason enough to leave. So your only recourse is to work on you and show her that you are still the person she fell In love with and mothered your children. Hope that makes some more sense. I had issue with detaching at first because I didn't understand what that meant.
Posted By: 2chiquitos Re: Not sure where we are going - 11/04/12 03:32 AM
DJR,
Keep the focus on you.
Take care for now just live and let live.
Posted By: djrluvw Re: Not sure where we are going - 11/05/12 12:02 AM
Hi sandi2, thanks for your reply and encouragement. To answer your question my W has always been a very giving person with a big heart but over the last several years she has come to believe that she always seems be the giver and when she needs support others are not there for her. She includes her Mom,myself and many others. In addition she has become dissolusioned with her faith and has gravitated towards a more New Age belief system. As a result some of her family has questioned and belittled her for it. For my part I have grown closer to our faith so I can see from here perspective how she would feel alone with it. In 2006 I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and she took great care of me but basically did it by herself with little help from family ecept my mom. Her mother was not there at all when she needed help in spite of W always being there for her. There are other things that W is bitter about as well. And then she basically feels that when she was struggling with her OCD she was shunned and not supported. I would partially agree with her feeling but I can also tell you there were huge efforts to help and support her. My C say that in her frame of mind the only thing she sees right now is the negative things that I did which I did but cannot see any of of the postives. Anyay many days it just seems to be such a chore for her to be in hour house and many things that I and S8 say and do make me feel like we are putting her out in inconveniancing her. She has cut off all but absolutely necessary contact with her mom and completely with her brother.

She has gone from a very giving person to a often restless,agitated, resentlful person. It is sad to watch and on some level I know how she feels because I have been there.

I try hard to hold my tongue and usually do. I want to help but know I can't
Posted By: djrluvw Re: Not sure where we are going - 11/05/12 12:15 AM
Hi fuanacdc,
Thanks for you reply...thanks for your explanation of detachment...I have stopped all discussion of our M and trying to simple be a good person to her. I take my feelings to my close friends. Thanks for the words...
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Not sure where we are going - 11/09/12 06:54 PM
So how has this week been for you?
Posted By: djrluvw Re: Not sure where we are going - 11/10/12 01:11 AM
Hi Sandi2,
Early part of the week was good but the last night was not. Slide a little talking to W about all the challenges we have had on our marriage. She is fixated on them and cannot seem to see past them. I opened my big mouth and talked a little about "knowing why we got this point and therefore can solve it together" dumb move...anyway it really upset her and she has been crying all day today and not wanting to talk to anybody. My mom also called her today to offer support and take her to lunch. All my W kept saying to her is "are you mad at me" She did turned lunch down for now and told my Mom she was too depressed. Not sure what the reaction is all about but she is very sad. She is taking off tomorrow for the day to be alone..S8 and I are going to hockey and the work in the yard. W says that being in the house on weekends is awkward. I have been trying to give her as much space as possible on the weekends. Any way I keep praying and trying to plug along. I am reading the book through again right now so that I stay on course...thanks for asking
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Not sure where we are going - 11/16/12 08:01 PM
Stay with us. Don't give up. Just coming here to the board to read other threads or to pour out your heart can help a lot.
Posted By: djrluvw Re: Not sure where we are going - 11/17/12 08:35 PM
as an update got a bit of a surprise yesterday. W has decided she does not want to participcate in the Christmans Holidays at all. She does not want to see or talk to her family because she believes all feelings from her B and M are fake and forced. She isn't in the spirit to see my family partly because she does not want to face them. She has decided to go away by herself for the holiday's. Not sure how to explain it to S8.
Posted By: LIO Re: Not sure where we are going - 11/17/12 11:42 PM
How long has she been depressed? Has she ever been diagnosed with depression?
One thing about depression is that the person doesn't want to be cheered up in a fake way. They want validation. To know someone is there for them if they need when they are ready to come out of their shell. When people say 'depression hurts' - it really does. Painfully so to the depressed person.

It reads as if she shows her love/appreciation through acts of service. Did she get the validation/appreciation from that? Or did she give so much without return?

As far as your son, I have a younger son, and while it is difficult sometimes to hear the questions or see their reaction, the only thing I can do is to validate S so that he feels heard. Even if we don't understand what is going on, it's important for them to know that the other parent loves them and is doing the best that they can do... right now.
Posted By: djrluvw Re: Not sure where we are going - 11/18/12 08:05 PM
Hi Lio,
Thanks for the post.Here doc has said that she is depressed and has her on a couple of meds. Once of them helps with her OCD as well. I would say she has struggled with this dor about three years I appreciate the comments about validation and how much it hurts. Helps me to be more understanding.

You are correct about "acts of service" but she has come to believe that all her giving has been for nothing especially where her family comes in because she feels when she needed support form them none of them where there. She feels the same about me because when her OCD got really bad everything I tried to do to help failed and my frustration level was over the top. We had couple of big fights about it and one time I told her to F off which was way out of line. I was getting really scared about how the OCD was affecting our family and S8. I let my fear get in the way at times but most of thae time I tried to support. My C says that she is in such a place that she can only see the negatives that people do and not the support.I do see how her family has not been there for at times so I can understand why she would feel that way.
Posted By: djrluvw Re: Not sure where we are going - 11/18/12 08:13 PM
I am concerned about how she is trying to handle this without professional help but she will not consider it at this time. I think she is afraid to face certain things and thinking the grass will be greener elsewhere.

Appreciate the reminder about vaildating S8 as well...He love's mom dearly.W and I are going to go to my C and talk about how to handle Christmas without W there.
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