Divorcebusting.com
After finding out where I stood with my W after the fallout of our argument and subsequent discussions, I feel differently about the whole situation.

Everybody has their own timeline and tolerance levels for what they are willing to take whilst DB'g and standing for your M and I have reached a point where I just don't want this M anymore.

I face the reality that my W is unwilling to end her affair, unwilling to go to any form of counselling whether it be MC or IC, unwilling to commit to working on the M and cannot get past her own resentments for my failings in the M and the guilt for what she has done & continues to do by seeing the OM.

My W wants a trial separation, but she wants it on her terms & this may be a sticking point for me.

This conversation spelled everything out to me that I needed to hear, continuing to stand for this M now is only going to delay the inevitable.

I feel at ease that I did work on a lot of my issues & left the door open for my W to return to our M, but enough is enough & it is time to plan & move on.

I took my wedding ring off yesterday & it is staying off, in my eyes I am now separated.

I know that my focus is now only on myself & my kids, I have an incredibly taxing year coming up, but I need to keep on growing & really stand up & be there for my kids.

This Friday night I had a sleepover downstairs with my 2 kids watching movies & hanging out & this morning I took them to the movies. If one good thing has come through all of this, it is the realisation of just how important my 2 kids are to me & how much I love spending time with them.

I had a busy 1st week on my teacher training course, but got myself out of bed to do 7 miles this morning & feel so much better for it.

I've got lots of UNI work to get through today & this week & I'm going to focus a lot of my energy on this.

This week I am going to speak to my parents about what is happening & I will seek legal advice as to what my rights are in terms of the marital home where both are names are on the mortgage.

I am staying positive, solution focused & going to keep on top of things.

A lot of good people have given me great advice on here & I truly thank them for it. I hope I can still count on some of you guys & gals to help me through this next phase of officially separating.

Bill
Bill her terms are only for her. They do not have to be for you and the kids as well.

All those pesky laws and such...... I am a believer that if a person wants to trial separate... There is the door... Go...
I agree with you Chatter, she is free to leave on her own.

I've been looking into some of these pesky laws and as much to my surprise, some of them are even fair and make sense.

For example a joint mortgage, means we are both responsible for the repayments on the house regardless of who is living there.

This got me thinking about a few things, if we D I would be responsibly for half the mortgage plus my maintenance payments for the kids. The other big worry of keeping the house would mean that I couldn't get another mortgage whilst I was named on this one.

Child maintenance is something I wouldn't hesitate in paying for and I'm not even bothered about the equity in the house, I just don't want to be paying rent, half a mortgage and child maintenance - I mean you've got to live as well!!

This is all stuff to worry about down the road, but it's stuff I need to think about and get advice about.

I was loving my run this morning, made a point in saying good morning to everybody I passed smile

I know it might seem selfish, but I'm actually looking forward to some of the perks of being single. I'm gonna make some plans with friends to go to a festival in the summer, either Germany or Holland.

I can take my kids away in the summer, I can make my own plans, I can live my life and live by my choices.

Thanks Cutter, feeling really positive today.

Bill
That would be a good reason to be bought out... or sell the house... or buy her out.

Options.
A word of advice. Mrs. breakdown is going to wonder why your standing on your feet. So she is going to test you quickly over the next few weeks. As things do not go according to plan she will last out at you as 'naturally its all your fault'.

So just be civil , polite and remove yourself from the conversation.
Posted By: afa75 Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 09/16/12 11:13 PM
Hey Bill, glad to hear you've found a way to come to terms, if not peace with your sich. I'm in a similar state, anticipating moving onto the next phase. I now see why so much of DBing is self focus, to better be prepared for any outcome.
Originally Posted By: chatterbug
A word of advice. Mrs. breakdown is going to wonder why your standing on your feet. So she is going to test you quickly over the next few weeks. As things do not go according to plan she will last out at you as 'naturally its all your fault'.

So just be civil , polite and remove yourself from the conversation.



Thanks for the heads up, I fully expect her to start acting out. Today she came home from her parents house after being there only 10 mins after getting into a row with her mum.

I think she's also confused because I haven't acted the same way I did when she 1st gave me the bomb. She thinks the door would've been left open for her to explore happiness elsewhere and for me to just wait and welcome her back with open arms.

I'm not waiting for my W to do anything anymore, I'm done with wondering this or that, now I know. I'm only going to get stronger and I'm going to start GALing for real.

If neither of us can afford to buy the other out of the house, selling would be the best option for me. I want the best for my kids when living with Mum or Dad.

That's a conversation that'll get W's back up.

All options need to be explored, not just for the house and the kids.

I don't want to stay separated for long and feel in any way an option or back up (plan D), separating finances and talking through the logistics of who is going where needs to be sorted out. D's birthday is on Thursday so most of our conversations are about that right now. After Thursday I'm going to bring up the conversation of separation again and discuss the options and finance for how we are going to split. This gives me time to do some homework on options, but also doesn't leave this situation unresolved.

I'll keep you posted

Bill
Thanks Afa

You have to prepare yourself as the LBS for dealing with the very reality of the sitch that we have been avoiding.

DB helps you work on yourself, get back on your feet and get your confidence back.

Most marriages are in a critical state when they are trying to be saved on here, some people get through to their WAS and prove that their changes are real.

Unfortunately when an affair is in full swing, the odds are stacked even higher against you.

It's a horrible way to learn these lessons, but ultimately YOU benefit for going through it and become a stronger person.

Just keep posting here and people will keep your spirits up no matter what's happening in your sitch.

Bill
Posted By: Arsene Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 09/17/12 02:04 PM
Hey Bill,

It seems like you are taking all of this very well. I'm happy that you are now working towards resolving this and moving on with your life.

As CB mentioned, there might be some lashing out from your W when she sees that she's lost control of the sitch but you sound ready to face it.

Good luck mate!
Bill, I'm sorry and glad for you at the same time, sorry you have to drop the rope on the R but glad that it sounds like it's already helping your PMA. I'm not sure if you've read Denver's story, but it wasn't until he dropped the rope and truly decided to move on that his W suddenly did a 180 and wanted to return. Funny how that happens.
I'm thinking about what options are out there for me and I've booked a telephone consultation with a solicitor tomorrow to find out legally what my options mean for me financially and regarding custody.

One of the main reasons for not moving out myself is because it could be used against me as abandonment regarding custody.

I also need to protect myself financially.

I just need to be logical and get all of the information before I make a decision on what / how to do it.

A trial separation only serves my wife's purposes, I will no longer be a back up.

Bill
The other way she will come at you is that your controlling her...


that one is easy to counter as well. Plus you get a few truth darts to shoot in as well.


I am not controlling you. I am stating to you that I decided that I will only be in a marriage that is built out of love , trust , truth , respect and caring. Not an open marriage.

That is the only marriage I will be in. You are free to chose if that is the marriage you want to be in or not.
Quote:
That is the only marriage I will be in. You are free to chose if that is the marriage you want to be in or not.


Well said Chatter, I am quickly starting to realise that it is me who has agency on my choices not my W. If my W doesn't like my reactions to her life choices, that's too bad for her.

I have made it clear exactly how I feel about the current sitch and when my W stated that she wanted a trial separation, I simply stated that I would need to do what is right for me.

My immediate focus is on protecting my interests & ensuring I can get at least 50 /50 custody (primary placement). If it means staying in the house until all the legalities are taken care of I'm prepared for it.

I am going to see what a solicitor thinks about my situation & what my different options are tomorrow.

I can also get free legal advice & more IC from university while I am there, so it is up to me to make the steps to reach out and get help, get organised and prepared for the weeks and months ahead.

I have options and I have choices, doing nothing is accepting an open M IMO however it is rationalised.
sounds like your following parallel paths now. Be good on the timing.
Quote:
sounds like your following parallel paths now. Be good on the timing.


Timing is very important right now and I should get good legal advice regarding my own current financial and personal circumstances.

No rash decisions are going to be made here, only informed ones that have my kids interests at the centre of them.
Posted By: afa75 Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 09/18/12 03:38 AM
You have a good plan. Good luck tomorrow and keep us posted.
Posted By: Arsene Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 09/18/12 04:52 AM
Yes mate. In many ways I'm learning from watching you go. I'm still not sure I'm ready for what you are doing but I realise that there might come a time when it is also my only option.

Good luck to you Bill.
Thanks Afa, Arsene

I called the solicitor today and after telling her what it was about, she insisted on seeing me in person next Wednesday. It's a free 1 hr consultation that will discuss my options and whether I qualify for legal aid or not if I decided to file.

I have also booked an appt for next Tuesday with the university's on site legal advisor and got an appointment for IC with the counsellor who got me back on my feet a few months ago.

All in all a productive morning, got so much work to do already it's silly at uni.

I'll keep you posted on how they go.

Bill
Originally Posted By: Arsene
Yes mate. In many ways I'm learning from watching you go. I'm still not sure I'm ready for what you are doing but I realise that there might come a time when it is also my only option.

Good luck to you Bill.


That is a problem with most of you guys here. You always think in linear patterns.

And the linear pattern you focus on is that your more afraid of being alone vs standing up to your wayward wife.
Posted By: Arsene Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 09/18/12 01:45 PM
smile That's exactly what I expect from you CB. Keep 'em coming smile
Hey Cutter

I was reading some of your older posts for some inspiration & came accross this little gem. It is beautifully written & really got to me, I feel like I've been on this run as well.

After I got the bomb I stopped taking my ipod for a run & started having my own internal dialogue, whilst being in tune with the landscape and life around me, greeting the people I passed on my run.

Thank you for this...it comes pretty close to articulating that union of your body, mind and soul when a run can channel all that emotion, energy and passion in harmony with a steady pace that beats like a drum.



Quote:
Today I ran. A slow burn. Pace so slow. Distance far. My body struggled with me the whole first 20 minutes to quicken the pace. To speed it up and get it done as quick as possible. But today’s goal was not to burn quickly. But to remain constant. Savouring the moment as I savour a beautiful glass of Malbec on a cold winter night. Fighting every fibre in my body I forced myself to remain calm. To move at a steady slow pace. Forever keeping the feet at a slow determined yet fluid motion. I savoured the moment. The weather. Cool , grey skies, wind from the north. All gifts to keep me cool and the silence was a gift. The woods. They were still masked in the dusk of winter. But everywhere you could hear the sounds of birds. Building their nests.

Preparing for dawn.

I kept the pace. At the 25th minute the calm overtook me. I accepted where I was, how far I had came, and where I was going. New dreams , new hopes. The truth of the moment appeared before me. I thought of previous blizzards. When the white snow is falling hard and the wind whips all before it. Those moments when time stops. When you can actually experience a moment in time. As it all pauses. The silence, the beauty of the moment. Only can this be experienced at night. Driving in the car. A moment when one is alone. And you witness everything stop. Then you drive through the moment. Awaiting another one. A moment of truth.

And I continued to run. Pace so slow. Distance far. But my energy was boundless. I knew at that moment that this would be one of the most beautiful runs I have experienced. I thought of myself. I thought of all these lies that tried to destroy me. I thought of truth. Not truth of the story. Not truth to cut through the lies.

But the truth.

My truth.

And I ran.

35 minutes now. The river was now to my right. The current full of the winter thaw. Ran fast in the opposite direction. Yet here I was safe upon the land. In a trail that kept danger at bay. My pace slow and steady. One foot landing in front of the other. The muted thump after thump after thump. No shortness of breath. No pounding heart. All in sync. All as one. A pure moment of truth. My mind , body , spirit and soul were all as one.
Peace.
At the 45th minute I decided it was time to speak the truth.
I am betrayed
I am healing
I am strong
I am abound with inner strength
I believe in myself
I am a kind and caring person
I am working every day at improving myself
I am hopeful about my future
I am in control of the present
I am at peace with that I cannot control
I am at peace with the past
I am proud of my actions
I am not afraid of my thoughts
I am not afraid of my actions
I am not afraid of speaking my thoughts
I am not afraid of acting
I speak the truth
I speak openly when needed
I listen when needed
I listen because what is said to me is important
I listen because I enjoy what you say to me
I listen because I wish to learn
I will have a full and happy life
I have grace
I have strength of character
I smile with my eyes
I have self worth
I believe in myself
I have endurance
I have persistence
I have a purpose
I have strength
I have determination
I have courage
I have clarity
For I am truthful to myself
I know now that I will fall in love again
because I know I can love again
I know now that I will love again
because I can trust again
I know now that I can trust again
because I was granted the gift of unconditional love.

And I kept running out of the woods and back into the town. I ran through downtown. People were out walking their dogs. Some were families. Some were alone. But neither made me happy. Neither made me sad. For there was a truth to this moment. Each one was enjoying the moment. And that was what mattered. My perception was truthful. For this was the only meaning of the moment. I was alone. I was happy. I kept my pace. You all were in my thoughts. So I smiled. And kept the pace. Slow. But my energy was boundless. So I kept running.

At the 80th minute I finally saw another runner going in the opposite direction. The first one today. And as we ran past each other we looked at each others eyes. And we smiled and shared the moment. One runner to another. Both running a slow pace. Both enjoying the moment and the feeling of our bodies complete in tune with the goal.

A dream run. I had it today. For when I finished and started my stretching I knew something magical had occurred.
I kept a pace. I accepted that it was the distance that mattered today. Not the finishing time.

I was finished.

Fully and completely.

My life is now.


It's nearly 1am where I am and I feel like going for a run right now grin But I'll save it for the morning smile

Bill
I write a little shorter now laugh

I have my first race this weekend. I will take a picture of the medal and post it here for you.

You should sign up for a race as well. Something to work towards.

A goal.
Yeah i've noticed the posts are way shorter now grin

Just had a look at what races I can enter & there's a 5K Santa dash in December that I've done before, but the real goal would be to do a half marathon next March.

I'm currently doing 7 miles once a week with a couple of 5K's and a long bike ride here and there & I've done 10 miles a few years ago, so if I build up slowly there's no reason I couldn't do 13 miles by next March.

What's the race you are doing this weekend?

Good luck for the race, I'm sure you'll do good & I look forward to seeing your medal smile

There's nothing like a nice pint straight after a long run, when I did that 10 mile run with one of my friends we had a pint straight after it (so deserved & enjoyed).

Bill
its a 15k race. Starts at 7AM ( late start ) so it will be warm. Followed by sitting in the hottub. smile

Pints later. That is for sure.

You should do the santa 5km with your kids.

And sign up and train for the 13 mile race in March.

That way your kids can track Daddies runs and be there for the half with your parents.

It would be a great family bonding during these difficult times.

And it will give you tons of PMA for the exams.
Wow 15K followed by a hottub & pints - sounds amazing!!

Yeah I think that's a great idea about doing the Santa Dash with my kids - they'd like that smile

It's funny that you should mention family bonding, today I went to see my Mum and explained to her what the situation is at home & my plans to see a solicitor on Wednesday next week.

She was shocked and just said that she was making a huge mistake ( expected it's my Mum ) and just said to not let her walk all over me anymore. She said if I ever needed to move back home even to save a bit money to get back on my feet, that I was more than welcome.

I needed that, what my Mum said doesn't change anything for how I am dealing with what's going on & isn't going to influence any of my decisions, it was just nice to get the support from her.

On a slightly more depressing note, my cousin is getting Married next month & although we are not as close as we used to be as kids, he has only invited me in the evening.

He went to my wedding with his then GF & I went to his stag party a couple of months ago. We used to see each other every weekend & family holiday as kids!!

Just think it is a real slap in the face, but it's his loss and it saves me the £$ that would have gone in his wedding card.

On a more positive note, I'm going to enter that half marathon, it will be a great source of motivation with my fitness & PMA & will be a great day out for my kids & parents.

Thanks Chatter smile
Bah! Slap in the face... Nah... Enjoy the evening....
I could go, but I don't know if my stubbornness will let me laugh

I asked him (stubbornness) & he told me to go *^%$ myself!!

If I get him drunk enough he might let me go wink
Hey Bill that was an awesome post to LA. You will be fine no matter what happens. You get it.
Thanks Cutter

I do feel like it's all making sense to me now that I have let go.

It's hard to sit back and not call someone on their delusion justifications for any kind of an affair when you've been on the receiving end of it.

Hopefully LA will get it and move forward with her life.
its a good example for men here to go read. to see what they are up against and she is actually home and hopefully starting to see the light... Think of full on enabled and active...
Reading some of that sitch was like being given an insight into the psyche of how a WAW conceptualises their actions as being acceptable in their minds.

LA is hopefully on her way to recovery and some of the stuff she had said was creating a stir with a lot of men on here including me.

I see where you are coming from Cutter, because a full on wayward, enabled spouse in an affair wouldn't even check their rearview mirror, let alone question their actions on their fast track ride to destruction.

For a WAS some feel it is their right to seek happiness outside of the M with OP, in fact my W didn't even see it as an affair until I exposed it.

Anyone can be unhappy and look outwards to try and divert their energy from their problems, it takes guts to look inwards, own your issues and commit to working on them.

If you can't save your M, you make sure you save yourself and learn from your mistakes, growing every step of the way.
You see when you expose... They are mad at you for breaking the fantasy.... of them being right and perfect in a few peoples eyes... Not mad at their actions.....

Its more a embarrassed of people finding out who they really are vs them realizing who they really are.
Originally Posted By: chatterbug
You see when you expose... They are mad at you for breaking the fantasy.... of them being right and perfect in a few peoples eyes... Not mad at their actions.....

Its more a embarrassed of people finding out who they really are vs them realizing who they really are.


Yeah, when you put it like that it makes complete sense why the cheating spouse wants to keep it hidden so much.

I know my W really doesn't want to tell her parents what she has done & I get why not.

I used to be bothered about what my MIL & FIL in particular would think of me if they didn't know the full story.

Now I just think, even if they knew the truth they would still support my W (their daughter) and I would want that to happen anyway (she'll need their support).

I've had a challenging but good first week back actually on campus - I need to pick up the pace already but that's a good thing. I've been inspired by some of the people and tutors I've met already.

I'm actually looking forward to next Tuesday & Wednesday when I have my 1st legal appointments & counselling session with my IC from earlier on in the year.

I am not afraid of making choices and independent decisions about my life anymore, more information means more knowledge to inform what options are best for me and my kids.

Thanks for keeping an eye on me Cutter, it's much appreciated smile

Bill
The 15km is done. I will post the medal later.

Again. Mods if it is not allowed please delete it. Not my intent to break any rules. Just doing a little PMA.
That's great, hope you're enjoying the hot tub and pints after that 15K smile
Some updates on my sitch...

I had my IC session on Tuesday and I got a lot out of it, my counsellor couldn't get over the difference in me since my last session a few months ago.

He said that I didn't really need anymore counselling as a concern and to just make an appt if there's something happening I need to talk about.

So that was nice, getting validation that I'd grown in terms of my confidence and rationality from him.

Today I went to see a solicitor (lawyer) about my legal options and it doesn't look all that bad. I've decided to file for divorce myself.

I qualify for legal aid so as long as my divorce doesn't go to court I won't have to pay any legal fees.

Shared custody of the children shouldn't be an issue.

Timeline - as long as it is amicable 4 - 6 months to complete.

Just got some groundwork to do regarding what our property is worth, check if my w would be able to take on the mortgage on her own.

I'm going to have a conversation with my W probably tomorrow night as I already have plans tonight about finances and to tell her I've decided to file.

I need to clarify what we can agree on, so it doesn't get complicated or expensive.

I'm ready to take this step and I'm done, I don't want a M with my W anymore.

Bill
Bill. This part is very tough. Very tough. I shed a few tears on the night of the separation papers being signed.

But it will create crisis in her life. It is a moment of reality for her.

She will do a few tests on you to see if your bluffing or not.

You just continue with the parallel paths.
Thanks Cutter

I do feel like it's a decision I wish I wasn't making, but I know it's the right one for me.

The deal breaker for me wasn't the affair, it was the way my W totally disrespected me by continuing to have contact with the OM, knowing how it made me feel. Having this confirmed again last week made me realise the situation would not change without action.

The reality of it all will be upsetting, but I'm glad I went to see a solicitor today. I know how tough this is going to be, but I can't stay in this open M that serves only my wifes needs. I'm better than that, we all are.

A few months ago, I couldn't have made this decision and would have been happy to stay being an option for my W.

I'm making the right choice and I am going to start a new chapter in my life.

Bill
I've been taking some first steps towards separation & D.

Today I opened up a separate bank account & I have been looking at all the financial help & entitlements available to me.

The conversation that I am going to have with my W, when I tell her I want a Divorce is not going to be easy.

I had thought about just filing & serving my W the papers, but I thik I owe it to her to be upfront & sensible in discussing what we can agree on.

The main asset is the house & the equity in it is probably only between 10 & 20k.

I know that I don't want to take on the house, so that leaves 2 options.

1. W stays in the house if she can get the mortgage in her sole name & some kind of settlement is made to me either now or in the future.

2. We sell the house, get separate houses & split the equity.

I really want shared residency of the children where they would live 4 days with Mum 3 days with dad 1 week - then 3 days with mum and 4 days with dad the next.

I've got no idea how the conversation will go when I tell her I want a D, other than what I will say & I just hope that we can come to some agreement that suits us both that doesn't get messy for the kids.

Is there anyone on here that has got any advice for one of these conversations? (who's been through it)

Anyone know what not to say?

Thanks Bill
Posted By: afa75 Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 09/27/12 02:54 PM
BB,
Just cathing jup on your sitch. I cannot offer any tips on what to say or not to say for the conversation with yoru W.

I wish you well and will be sending postive thoughts your way. Good luck!
Thanks Afa, I've set myself a deadline of having this talk before the weekend is over.

There's a couple of things I need my w to sign regarding my request for a grant at uni that I want to make sure are out of the way first.

I think Saturday night is when I'm going to have the talk.

I'm pretty sure what I'm going to say, but just thought if people could chip in it'd be helpful.

Thanks people
Be firm and unwavering... You do not want to be perceived as the boy who cried wolf.

If this causes her to move towards you and your M, you are going to have to see some real action on her part before considering changing your mind (if that's even a possibility at this point).
Quote:
Be firm and unwavering... You do not want to be perceived as the boy who cried wolf.


Great advice Denver, I will make sure that my W knows I am serious by stating that I have already sought legal advice & that I can't remain in this open marriage.

I'm expecting a number of possible reactions, but regardless of the reaction I get it won't change my decision.

I just hope that my W plays ball & we can come to a sensible arrangement for D terms on residancy, assets and finance.

My document is signed, so goal 1 is done.

There isn't an ideal time to break this news, but I'm thinking that if I do it on Saturday night she'll have all day Sunday to process it before going to work on Monday.

I didn't want her to sign a financial document & then 10 mins later - guess what.

Tomorrow night she is at dancing and a big part of me didn't want the OM filling her head full of crap while this is still raw, making this process harder than it has to be.

I feel ready for it & I know that she could turn nasty, but I'm standing firm & not moving out whilst this process happens.

After all these are my kids too, these are our assets and legally this is still our home.

Quote:
If this causes her to move towards you and your M, you are going to have to see some real action on her part before considering changing your mind (if that's even a possibility at this point).


Knowing my W I'd be really surprised if she showed any interest in staying together, but it wouldn't change my mind.

I've had my eyes opened as to what a healthy R should be like and I've learned some valuable lessons from the breakdown of this M.

Some people can handle being walked over, disrespected, cheated on better than others. I lasted 7 months and I know that enough is enough for me now.

I came here wanting to save my marriage, but ended up rekindling my love for life, making the bond with my kids stronger than ever.

In a way I'm glad all this has happened, I wouldn't have had all this personal growth, I would still be letting life pass me by.

I will stay strong throughout everything and be that rock my kids will need to get through this.

Thanks for chipping in Denver smile

Bill
I respect your position Bill. I reached that point as well. What is said here is true... you will know when you are done.

In any case, you do seem SO much stronger than when you first came to this board. Sometimes it's hard to believe that it's the same person posting. I'm happy for that.

Good luck man.

Denver
Thanks Denver

I really respect your opinion and appreciate the compliment.

I know what you mean about when I first started posting, I was all over the place emotionally.

I can't recommend having a good IC to help you get your head together enough.

I think when everything is new for the LBS after you get the bomb your anxiety gets in the way of making rational decisions.

Things go through your head like, 'If I screw this up I've blown it' and you over think how to act in situations so much that you end putting so much pressure on yourself to keep the M together that you forget who you are.

When you find yourself again & you GAL because you genuinely do want to have some fun & are not putting on a side show for the WAS, that's the first key goal to all of this & what DB is about for me.

Not everyone saves their M who comes here, because when we get here the s@*t has already hit the fan for a lot of us.

For all the (usually constructive) criticism & disagreements we have along the way with each other, I wouldn't change a thing about this forum, we are all lucky to have found this space. smile
Originally Posted By: breakdownbill
Thanks Denver

I really respect your opinion and appreciate the compliment.

I know what you mean about when I first started posting, I was all over the place emotionally.

I can't recommend having a good IC to help you get your head together enough.

I think when everything is new for the LBS after you get the bomb your anxiety gets in the way of making rational decisions.

Things go through your head like, 'If I screw this up I've blown it' and you over think how to act in situations so much that you end putting so much pressure on yourself to keep the M together that you forget who you are.

When you find yourself again & you GAL because you genuinely do want to have some fun & are not putting on a side show for the WAS, that's the first key goal to all of this & what DB is about for me.

Not everyone saves their M who comes here, because when we get here the s@*t has already hit the fan for a lot of us.

For all the (usually constructive) criticism & disagreements we have along the way with each other, I wouldn't change a thing about this forum, we are all lucky to have found this space. smile


Yup
This is exactly where I'm at! frown

"Hoping" for the best but trying to be realistic about my expectations...it's so hard.
This is a tough time for you but your clarity is convincing. All the best.
Nettie

right now you need to give your H space and just try to validate his complaints about the M (even if they are way off the mark).

Once you've got over the initial shock of everything, just look internally and ask yourself what you want.

Everyone says on here no matter if you stay together or D, be prepared to go through the pain because neither is easy.

I noticed you posted your story on MLC - you might get some more traffic if you post it here in the Newcomers section.

Take care Nettie & stay strong smile

Bill
Thanks Longrun

Yeah it is tough, but I know that once I lay it out for my W I'll feel better.

Hey cutter just did 7 miles in the rain - gonna chill with a well earned couple of beers like a boss tonight smile
I am sick my friend. I missed a concert last night and a run today. Going to just walk tomorrow and see how it goes with my new running shoes.

Enjoy the fresh air tomorrow.

Make sure you are feeling any bitterness when you talk tomorrow. If you are work through that.
Hey breakdown,

I haven't read your whole sitch but I have a idea for you. My w left about 6 weeks ago and I was wondering how I was going to keep my house, support her, and be able to GAL. I ended up turning my basement into a apartment and renting it out. I had always paid the bills for pretty much everything so I only needed to get enough to support the kids through the w. If your house is set up for it, it may be something to think about. I know my wife is a little upset that I get to stay in the house, especially because she isn't thrilled with the place she found. Oh well, we all have to sleep in the bed that we make, right. Good luck!
That's not good, hope you get back to full health quickly.

I'll bet that you enjoy that walk tomorrow though.

Thanks for the advice at the end of that post. I'm not really feeling bitter towards my W. When I talk to her tomorrow night I'm going to be firm and not talk about the why's and what if's.

I think it's probably best if I just break the news to my W and let it sink in for a couple of days before I talk to her (business like about what we both want in terms of settlements and residency of the children).

This Sunday I'm taking the kids to see my mum, so it will give W a chance to seek some comfort and support from her parents.

I really don't want to hurt her regardless of what's happened, so I'll be supportive if she needs me & as understanding as I can be.

I really haven't got any desire to play any kind of blame game. We drifted apart because we didn't make our M a priority, I focused on my studies, my W found herself and stepped out of the M.

I'm not excusing anything I've done or what my W has done, it's already happened and we've both talked enough about these things.

I just want to tell her how it is and that I'm done & want out of the M, give her a few days to process it and then work through the split of assets and residency like rational adults before filing.

If we can agree on these things in the best interests of the children and work together, we can be divorced before next summer and I qualify for legal aid being a student so it won't cost a penny in legal fees.

I'm staying positive because that's how I feel. I'm looking forward to having my own place, my own freedom and quality time with my children.

I've got so much to look forward to it's silly.

1. My course is amazing - really loving it
2. Can't wait to qualify & become a teacher next year
3. Getting my own place
4. Travelling to some places I've always wanted to visit

Too many to mention, but my PMA is in a good place right now.

I'm ready for this and I'm going to be respectful and sensitive towards my W when we talk - no bitterness here.

Bill smile
Hey Eyesopen

That's a pretty good idea and I'm jealous because it's not an option for me.

I don't want to stay in my house post D, if my W wants to stay here & take on the mortgage I'll be flexible & work something out with her.

At the moment house prices where I live have fallen so much that it's an attractive option for me to buy something that will do for the next 5 years & have low mortgage payments.

This way I can save some money and have more disposable income to do cool stuff with my kids & GAL myself.

Quote:
My w left about 6 weeks ago...I know my wife is a little upset that I get to stay in the house, especially because she isn't thrilled with the place she found. Oh well, we all have to sleep in the bed that we make, right.


That is the way you have to look at it mate, she left the marital home by choice.

Thanks for the support & good luck with your sitch smile

Bill
Posted By: afa75 Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 09/28/12 10:37 PM
Happy to know you're in a good place re: the sich, what you want, etc. Stay there. smile
Thanks Afa

I know it won't be a great conversation tomorrow night & it might even turn nasty, but I'm ready for it.

If I'm still in that good place I'll be happy.

Bill smile
bill it will not turn nasty if you are controlled and say your say.

I would also state that you have looked into the parenting plan and the division of assets and debts.

All at once. Have a pad of paper infront of you and cross each item off the list as you talk.

Tell her she can talk when done.

She may say. "Doing this pushes me to OM."

Reply "That is your choice. I have decided that is not a marriage I want to be a part of."

"You are trying to control me with divorce."

" I have decided that this is not a marriage I want to be a part of. It is your choice to commit adultery."

"You will leave the house now." or " I am leaving and taking the children."

"You are free to leave. I will remain here with the children."

You get the picture.....

If she asks "What will it take to repair this and work on the marriage."

I would say. I will think about it and then carry on with the D process.

If she wants to come back and work on it. She will figure the first thing she needs to do is no longer come in contact with OM.
Originally Posted By: chatterbug
bill it will not turn nasty if you are controlled and say your say.

I would also state that you have looked into the parenting plan and the division of assets and debts.

All at once. Have a pad of paper infront of you and cross each item off the list as you talk.

Tell her she can talk when done.

She may say. "Doing this pushes me to OM."

Reply "That is your choice. I have decided that is not a marriage I want to be a part of."

"You are trying to control me with divorce."

" I have decided that this is not a marriage I want to be a part of. It is your choice to commit adultery."

"You will leave the house now." or " I am leaving and taking the children."

"You are free to leave. I will remain here with the children."

You get the picture.....

If she asks "What will it take to repair this and work on the marriage."

I would say. I will think about it and then carry on with the D process.

If she wants to come back and work on it. She will figure the first thing she needs to do is no longer come in contact with OM.



Man... when it gets to this point, there is no doubt that I agree with Chatter's approach.
Thanks Chatter

This is exactly the type of advice I've been looking for.

Quote:
I would also state that you have looked into the parenting plan and the division of assets and debts.

All at once. Have a pad of paper infront of you and cross each item off the list as you talk.

Tell her she can talk when done.


You know what I agree with you on this, letting her know I have done my homework in terms of all of the above in bold will show that I am serious and gives my W most of the information at once.

Quote:
She may say. "Doing this pushes me to OM."

Reply "That is your choice. I have decided that is not a marriage I want to be a part of."

W "You are trying to control me with divorce."

B " I have decided that this is not a marriage I want to be a part of. It is your choice to commit adultery."

W "You will leave the house now." or " I am leaving and taking the children."

B "You are free to leave. I will remain here with the children."


These are good comeback lines that are simply stating why I can't stay in the M. They are firm and to the point.

Yeah I'm gonna do it this way.

Bill
Lets hope this wakes her up Bill. There is a little girl watching. She needs to learn that this is not how you treat a husband and a family. Your boy needs to learn what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.

Give your kids extra love today.

She may just say yes and stay quiet as well.


One word of advice.

No hugs.No going all melty man. You are going to be beat up inside. But this is that one moment where you really need to be leading your marriage and family.

Clear. Cool, calm and Collect.

The 4 C's of communication.
Bill,

I read your sitch because this could be me down the road. Just like you I have my boundaries and will not be a part of M with a 3rd party.

You have a lot of good advice here on your sitch. Good luck with your talks with your W today. My support goes to you man. Chatter is right, give your kids extra love today.

Newman
Quote:
Lets hope this wakes her up Bill. There is a little girl watching. She needs to learn that this is not how you treat a husband and a family. Your boy needs to learn what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.


A big part of me is hoping that it does wake her up to what she is doing and what she is giving up.

How my W reacts won't affect my decision to file, but it may make me take pauses along the way if I see genuine change, commitment and absolutely NC with the OM.

She will know what she has to do if she wants to fight to stay in this M and this as you say doesn't need spelling out again to my W.

My kids are completely in the dark about all of this and when they are told what is happening I obviously won't tell them the truth (it'll do more harm than good for them).

I will make it crystal clear to them that what is happening is in no way, shape or form their fault and that we both love them very much.

When I talk to my wife this evening it will be the hardest conversation I've ever had, but it is the leap of faith that I know I must take to move forward with my life.

I'll do my best on the 4 C's and try not to cry.

Thanks Cutter I can get through this.

Bill
Thanks Newman

I have been so lucky with advice people have given me so far on my road.

I've read a bit of your sitch as well and what I can say to you is that the longer you leave the disrespected boundary without sufficient consequences for their actions, the longer you will be enabling them to continue to do so.

People can talk until they are blue in the face and still be ignored. An action needs a reaction, sometimes it's a noticeable change, sometimes the reaction is to disregard the action and carry on, but it is still a reaction.

My sitch has ended up the way it is partly because of the dynamic of our relationship. I backed down far to easily along the way on arguments, decisions etc. This led to a lack of respect for me from my W, a mistake that I will never make again with my W or any future R.

If you end up down the road where I am at, you will just know when you've had enough.

Good luck Newman

Bill
Your children will blame themselves. Do not tell any lies to your children. Do not cover for your wife either.
Cutter I get what you are saying, but I really don't want them hating or blaming their mum for what is happening.

I'm not sure I agree with you about exposing them to what their mum has done.

The children are going to need both of us to get through this, I'm worried that this information would harm them emotionally and alienate them from their mum which is not what I want.

Why do you think it is important for them to know the truth about the affair?

Bill
I did not say expose.

I just said do not lie or cover for your wife.

There is a difference.
Posted By: afa75 Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 09/29/12 05:16 PM
Breakdown,
As far as the kids go, keep them safe, and answer all questions as kid friendly as possible (their shoes), when / if they ask. There's boatloads of resources to make D as kid friendly as possible (take that with a grain of salt as it is unfortunately what it is). Later on life, if they ask you could then share more of the truth, if desired.

My kids are similar in age to yours, so I know how difficult it is. I'm earlier on in my sich than yours, so I do use them as motivation to hang on right now.
Again, best of luck!
Posted By: afa75 Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 09/29/12 05:17 PM
One last thing, based me getting a sense for who you ate, I trust that you will put your kids first. Don't take anything I said in a negative way. smile
Originally Posted By: chatterbug
I did not say expose.

I just said do not lie or cover for your wife.

There is a difference.


Thanks for clearing that up Chatter, I don't think my children will ask me anything like that. I agree about not covering or telling lies to protect my wife to other people.

I'm at UNI today in the library doing some work that's due tomorrow and I've been getting a few last minute nerves.

That's normal though right? I mean this is a big deal and it will change my sitch one way or the other.

I know I'm doing the right thing, I just need to feel the fear and do it anyway.

BTW if I came accross as defensive before I didn't mean to smile

Hope you are feeling better today & you got out for that walk.

Bill
Afa

I didn't take that as a negative friend. I have always put my kids first and that won't ever change, I'm just wired that way smile

Bill
OK I need to update how my D talk went last night.

Here's a rough play by play from how it went... (I'm referred to as B and my wife is W) smile

B: I've been thinking about how to tell you this and just wanted to be honest and open with you.

W: OK?

B: After we last talked about our R when you asked for a trial separation, it changed everything for me. I've been to see a solicitor and I am about to file for divorce.

W: OK, that's fine

B: Oh, OK well...

W: Did you not expect me to react like that?

B: To be honest I really didn't know how you would react, but if you are OK with it, this will make things a lot easier.

W: I can uderstand why you want to. What grounds are you going to file under?

B: I was going to file under the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

W: So you are going to say that this was all my fault and that I was the only one who broke this marriage down.

B: I know exactly what are joint failings have been in this marriage, but this is just a process and some grounds have to be put down and to be fair a marriage has problems, but a marriage is between 2 people not 3. So yes your behaviour is unreasonable.

W: That record will say that it is my fault.

B: The record is not important, as I said it is just a process. The important things we need to talk about are the children and the house.

W: They are the most important things. What do you want?

B: Ideally I would like shared residency of the children. We can do it so you have the children 4 nights a week and I would have them 3 nights a week, splitting the weekends.

W: OK, would you let me phone them every night (crying)

B: Of course I would let them call you every night when they are with me. I would want them to do that at either house.

W: What about the house?

B: OK, do you want to stay in the house?

W: Yes, I would like to stay in the house, so the children aren't messed around.

B: I think that would be good for the children if they didn't have to leave this home. There are a few ways we can do this.

W: How do you mean?

B: I would want my name taken off the mortgage and bought out with a share of the equity so I could put a deposit down on a house.

W: The bank might not agree to that.

B: I think if you speak to your parents / brother and the bank, you should be able to sort something out with maybe someone being a guarantor.

W: OK

The rest of the conversation was just a kind of understanding for each other about what we had been through together & sorry Cutter we did hug (((hugs))) wink , but I think it was appropriate because we are going to work together sorting this out and we both still care for each other very much.

I told my W that I would get all of the paperwork in order & show her what I was going to request in terms of settlement & residency for the children before I filed so that this process is not slowed down.

We pretty much agreed on what we are going to do last night & we are going to get the house valued & my W is going to speak to her family & the bank over the next 2 weeks.

Let me cath my breath......

I didn't threaten my W with divorce because I wanted her to change her mind. I genuinely am done and I just have this overwhelming sense of relief right now.

If you think I handled that conversation badly (It is what it is - no bitterness intended), then it wouldn't have been me saying what I said.

I feel like I have been open and fair to my W, as I could have just filed and passed her the papers over breakfast. I didn't want to do that, I'm better than that and she doesn't deserve that.

We all make our own choices in life and we have to stand by them.

I can reflect on my sitch properly now and I will know how to not make the same mistakes again.

My kids will be my priority through all of this, they come first, now and always.

This isn't another divorce busted, but it is another journey that I couldn't have navigated without some great help from some wonderful people on here.

Chatterbug, Denver, Bond, Adinva, Yankee Candle and Arsene, you guys have been my regular counsel and I really appreciate the help and advice you have all given me on here. smile

I'm not going to disappear from these boards, I like it here and enjoy our conversations.

Right I'd better get back to my Sunday, appologies for the long post.

Bill
Posted By: Arsene Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 09/30/12 02:32 PM
My friend,

I am sorry to hear this but on the other hand I'm glad that you seem ok with all of it. I know what you have been going through as I am still going through it myself and I know the pain and frustration you have been feeling. If this comes a relief, and you feel good about it, then it was the right, the only decision for you. My thoughts are with you as you go through this process and I hope to hear more from you again on this site. I have appreciated your openness, your friendship and your wisdom over the last few months.

Take care.
Yea we need to have a pint.
The Doves: Sky starts falling

Who am I supposed to be?
I can't be sure that the next one will see me

And if the sky starts falling on the street outside
The only thing that satisfies
If the sky starts falling on the heads outside
The only thing that keeps me alive

If you see her again, be sure to say hello
Be sure to send my love
Did she seem like before
Could you seem above it all
Be sure to send my love

Wake up, waking up to see
It's a sign
That what will be will be

And if the sky starts falling on the street outside
The only thing that satisfies
If the sky starts falling on the heads outside
The only thing that keeps me alive

I swear I heard her call, call my name
I swear I heard her call, can I move on

If you see her again, be sure to say hello
Be sure to send my love
Did she seem like before
Can't you see above it all
Be sure to send my love

I swear I heard her call, call my name
I swear I heard her call, can I move on

Did she call herself a friend?
Don't call on me again, don't call on me again
Did she seem like before
Did she seem above it all
Be sure to send my love The Doves: Sky starts falling
Bill I had to go back read when I did this.

Here ya go .... this is what I wrote.

Well I am back. That was absolulty surreal. I so i could get there early. On the way. Get a text message saying that she is going to be 20 minutes late... Printer issue with an apology. So i reply back to text me when she is close and a thankyou. So I go grocery shopping.

Get in the restaunt and order a tea and two cups. And await ladybug. When she gets in I smile and say hi ladybug. The Tea is good and its cold. So enjoy a hot cup of tea.
She looked at me and I just smiled and acted very open.

And she sat down and over the next 100 minutes we laughed , looked at each other, smiled and I am completely confused.

That was my wife there. She asked about my running. We talked about family. She told me about apartment and common friends. She talked about stores I would like to visit.

She asked about runnning in a running race with me and our up comming wedding in march. I said yes.

Such a bizzare evening. I thought it was the perfect dB date.


Just a night where you look across and see your wife but you just keep that to your self.

Damn she looked sexy. And when I left I got in my car and drove anay and I cried.

Why did she have to be so nice? F#()k that hurt. I saw my wife and I missed her. I am now compeltly confused.

I did a perfect DB date.....I am guessing she is a perfect WAS.

So different from the last two meetings. But I was so different to.

Damn. It was so hard. We signed the papers and I got everything I wanted.

I am so confused.


....




I am glad we did not mention the OM. As truthfully it would have derailed the signing of those papers. I walked away with everything I asked for.

I remember when we signed them. I sat there for a few minutes and just talked about tea's and how was the meal and then mentioned that I drank way too much tea and I excused myself to the washroom. I was losing the mask. Becoming emotional. So I got up walked to the bathroom and I stood there facing the mirror and I just smiled. I said. to myself. Well cutter. A goal was met. A very important goal. remember that. remember that the woman in front of you is a shell. It looks like ladybug, sounds like ladybug. But it is not ladybug. This is a woman who has no respect for you nor your marriage. This is a woman who tossed you out of her life without any concern for how this affects your well being. This is a woman who did not care at all how this affects everyone else who is attached to us. This is a woman who broke my dad's heart and did not even have the common decency to say good bye. This is a woman who is sleeping with another man. The reason she is happy today is because her affair is in a better place in her mind than it was on Sunday. Believe this.
And I breathed deeply over and over. I smiled at myself and walked back to the table and then ladybug picked up the tab and we walked to our cars. And that is when the emotions all came out. I drove away crying and did not look in the rear-view mirror. I looked forward.

I am glad now that we kept it to safe topics.

I have thought about all this again. Now I am separated. Which where I live is the same as D.

I weighted the following items this weekend.

I am proud of how I acted. I kept my vows and morals to the end. I did not stoop to ladybugs level.
I remained civil and nice and showed grace.
I stated my goals clearly to ladybug many months ago. It is not my issue that she did not listen.
I secured myself financially against ladybug.
I came out of a depression with goals to achieve in the second half of my life.

VS.

A woman who has no respect for my wellbeing.
A woman who has no respect for vows and morals.
A woman who has no respect for families and children.
A woman who has decided to become what she is today, someone who values crumbs over substance.
A woman who abandoned me so easy during my first crisis I ever experienced in my life.


And I thought.

Here is a woman I can walk away from now. I sat there Friday night and I realized that I still love this woman deeply. But it is a love of what was, not what is. If that makes sense? I have no bitterness. Just disappointment. And I tired to save the marriage. But I could not. But I realized ( via this site and my own thoughts )that it takes two people to make a marriage happen. And that is not happening. Nor do I see it happening.

My next goals are to sell the house. Figure out what I want to do the second half of my life. Right now its computers. I wish to change that. So I am going to move away from that.

I do not think I can stop with my giving attitude. So I think I am going to look towards moving in to some providing profession. I am truly at a crossroads in my life. Its exciting. I no longer fear this.

From all this. Look at what I have gained.

I gained the ability to understand about boundaries.
I gained the ability to understand about my needs and wants again.
I gained the ability to understand that I want to better myself instead of going with the flow.
I have met some of the most beautiful , strong , and real people. People who I have not met face to face, but I proudly call them my friends. People who I will meet one day down the road and I will be able to look them in the eye and smile and say what an honour it is to stand before you friend.
I gained the ability to cry

I share a unique hurt that only us who have been cheated on truly understand. I know as the years go by and someone says to me that they have been cheated on, I can look them in the eye and state. I understand.

And in a strange way. I thank Ladybug for waking me up.

This is where I am standing today.
Posted By: Arsene Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 10/01/12 03:05 AM
Wow. Good for you CB. You sound like you're doing fine. I pretty certain that the 2nd part of your life is going to be miles better than what you've had so far. You've got the right attitude for your sitch and you are inspiring in many ways.

Cheers mate.
Hi Cutter

I could just go for that pint right now smile

I'm on my way to a new school for 2 weeks so I can't leave a decent reply right now, but wanted to say thanks for sharing with me that personal moment in your life.

I've noticed a change in my W since we had the D talk. She slept on the couch that night and last night had my Daughter slept in our bed.

I'll post more later smile

Bill
Bill, sorry it's come to this but glad to hear you're in a good place mentally. It sounds like the conversation went as well as could possibly be expected and that you handled it with a lot of dignity. Congrats and best wishes in your new life moving forward!
Arsene. Life is amazing. You get knocked down. You get back up. Little dirt and grime is good for the soul. You put your head down and you work.

I will repeat this again.

Life is amazing.

I love my life now. Those posts were from almost 3 years ago.
Thanks Everyone

Cutter I feel like I could have written this bit...

Quote:
I gained the ability to understand about boundaries.
I gained the ability to understand about my needs and wants again.
I gained the ability to understand that I want to better myself instead of going with the flow.


This is exactly how I feel I've gained from this experience.

Quote:
I share a unique hurt that only us who have been cheated on truly understand. I know as the years go by and someone says to me that they have been cheated on, I can look them in the eye and state. I understand.


^^^Big time!! There's nothing quite like that kind of hurt and unless you've been through it, you don't understand what it feels like.

Now that I've had a couple of days since I've had the talk with (gonna use this for the 1st time) STBXW, I'm not as filled with regrets as I thought that I would be.

I just want to get this process over with & make the transition to be single again. I've started looking at properties and I've decided that once I get my 1st teaching job I'm going to buy a place close by that I'll call home for a few years.

I'm not going to be able to afford to buy (property) anything really nice right away, but whilst the children are at their primary (elementary) school being close is the most important thing.

I know that there are a few LBS's on here who have been or are in a similair position to me with their W being in an affair that they won't end. To me Arsene, your sitch is the most delicate of all I've read, because of contact with your daughter at stake in the country you are in, so don't think that this is aimed at you personally friend...

I made my decision when I realised that my W would not end her affair. After I was told about the affair I forgave her too easily, almost as if I was saying to her (do what you want - just don't leave me). When the affair continued and I didn't leave or file I just kept enabling her to treat me this way.

I've realised that if you don't enforce consequences for actions that hurt you, you will get hurt over and over again.

I struggled to enforce any kind of boundary about the OM, because by that time my W had lost all respect for me.

What I'm trying to say is that, you can make decisions about your own life. You have choices.

For the first time in 7 months I'm not on anybody else's timeline but my own. I chose not to stand for how I was being treated and I don't regret my decision.

I can look forward to 3 new lives on my own terms. My own family life, my own personal life and my professional life.

7 months ago I was not looking forward to anything, I was coasting through life and had very little self awareness.

I've found more than just myself again, he's (oh no speaking in the 3rd person again) much improved and he actually gets himself now (enough of that).

Cutter, if we ever do get a chance to have pints in the real world I'm buying!! wink

Bill
Posted By: MrBond Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 10/01/12 11:40 PM
"I forgave her too easily, almost as if I was saying to her (do what you want - just don't leave me)"

That's not what forgiveness is.

Forgiveness is somthing that is given without expecting something in return. If you truly forgave your W, then you leave it at that. It's not a sign of weakness. Giving forgiveness without expecting change or for the person to feel remorse or apologetic is the strongest and most unselfish thing you can give to someone.
Posted By: afa75 Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 10/01/12 11:55 PM
Breakdown,
Considering the circumstances and what not, I just want to say that I'm happy for you. Best of luck and keep us posted on your new beginnings!
Posted By: afa75 Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 10/01/12 11:55 PM
Breakdown,
Considering the circumstances and what not, I just want to say that I'm happy for you. Best of luck and keep us posted on your new beginnings!
Thanks Afa, I will keep you posted smile

Bond we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one.

You're more than entitled to your opinion on forgiveness. I know the context in which it was intended and I'll just leave it at that thanks.

Bill
Posted By: Arsene Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 10/02/12 02:17 AM
Seeing the positive way you are taking all of this mate, you are ready for it and are doing what's right for you. I'm glad you're in a better place. Cheers!!
Originally Posted By: breakdownbill
Thanks Afa, I will keep you posted smile

Bond we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one.

You're more than entitled to your opinion on forgiveness. I know the context in which it was intended and I'll just leave it at that thanks.

Bill



I agree with you Bill. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves.

4.5m this morning with new shoes.
Thanks Arsene

I really am in a much better place right now.

Sure, I have regrets about what has happened and feel a genuine loss for the end of my M with my W. I mean we've been together since the year 2000, that's a long time and we have had some really great times along the way.

The key to it for me, was truly accepting what was happening in my sitch for what it was.

I'm now looking forward to a fresh start, genuine independence, a new career and having some fun.

Life is here for living my friend, we need to make the most of it & enjoy the ride while we can smile

Bill
Thanks Chatter

I want to try and get a run before the weekend, but having said that, tomorrow in the school I am in we are having a game of football (soccer) in P.E. so I'll be getting a good run out tomorrow smile

I think I need to go to one of the specialist running shops in town for a new pair of shoes. The type of shop that puts you on a treadmill, studies the way that you run & selects the best type of shoe for your feet, support and running style.

You must be feeling a bit better getting 4.5 miles in today, so I'm glad you're back hitting that pavement.

Bill
Posted By: MrBond Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 10/02/12 11:40 PM
How is the interaction between you two after your ultimatum?
Hi Bond

It's very business like if I'm honest. I'm making an effort to be civil and polite, making small talk, but my W seems quite distant.

So if I get the vibe that she's being that way I just back off and give her space.

Pretty much what I expected.
Posted By: MrBond Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 10/03/12 12:22 AM
What do you mean by "civil"? Are you having meals together or going out together with your young kids? It seems as if you've gotten much colder. Is she still seeing the OM?
dude it's been two days.
^^^^^ you crack me up Cutter

It has only been a couple of days and it wasn't an ultimatum, I told my W that I wanted a divorce because I am done.

We've had meals together, we are and will still be living together until financial issues and the divorce is complete.

We are not telling the children until closer to the time as it will just confuse them with me still living in the marital home.

I know what to look for if my W wanted back in this M, the truth is that she doesn't want back in, so this path is simple.

On a side not Bond, you don't have to over analyse everything I post on here.

It was a rough few days and the bad cop approach, isn't what I need right now friend.

Bill
Posted By: MrBond Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 10/03/12 06:10 PM
First off, I do not "over" analyze everything you post. I make comments and suggestions which you are free to not follow if you want.

Next, about the issue of forgiveness. I commented based on just what you wrote. And also to me, while forgiveness is a gift your give yourself, but it is also a gift you give the other person. Whether or not they accept it is up to them. As long as forgiveness is given without expectations of their acceptance, then there won't be any resentment.

I've seen many LBS's here who say they "forgive" their spouse but hold alot of resentment towards them. This ultimately shows up in their treatment of their children. Which is why I was asking about your current treatment of each other.

Children pick up alot of the verbal and non-verbal vibes that their parents give off. These insecurities are things they usually keep to themselves because they don't want to rock the boat and cause more problems. With your focus being so much on your W, I was concerned that the kids' emotions are being lost in the shuffle. You can ask them if their okay and they'll say they are, but deep down inside they really aren't. This is why children of divorce usually divorce even though they swear they would never do so.
Also, think about the fact that the kids already really know what's going on deep down inside. My 4-year old (who never saw me fight with her father or witnessed any other overt discord) told me one day out of the blue that "I was going to kick Daddy right out of the house." Startled, I asked why she would say that and she said "because he is angry all the time and you don't kiss him on the lips." So they really do know. Another thing is that I dreaded telling my girls about the divorce and built it up in my mind so much that I could hardly get through it. Of course, by that time, when I actually told them it was much easier than I had anticipated. Just something to keep in mind.
Been away from these boards for a couple of days.

Bond I do respect your opinion and I wanted to apologize for my tone towards you in my last post.

The children have been my main focus through all of this and I try to spend as much quality time with them every day.

I think a lot of what unbidden said is true, just the other day my D9 said to W, 'why don't you ever hug and kiss daddy goodbye in the morning'? So yeah, she knows something's not right and might have already started to connect the dots.

Today we went to the movies as a family and we had fun, we've actually been getting on better my W and I since I told her I wanted a divorce.

Maybe it's the validation she was looking for, or that there is less pressure on the situation. I don't know what it is, but things feel a bit different.

We seem to be a bit more open with each other about future plans and stuff, which is good.


Bill
7 miles this morning smile
Bill I did 7 miles yesterday morning. Going to sign up for a few races this week with ladybug. Here is an interesting article for you to go read. Is your wayward spouse a clinger or avoider? Written by Al Turtle who has some very interesting concepts.

I think right now you should keep your expectations to a minimal and keep with the parallel paths.

And keep with the running.
Opps... That was red tulip not ladybug.
Thanks Cutter, some stuff has happened at home that I haven't got time to post about just now, but i'll post it later today.

All i'll say is the night ended with me ralphing after my bf took me out for some pints and whiskey's smile
Ok there's been some developments this weekend, which have helped me confirm that I am doing the right thing by filing for divorce.

This weekend my W was going out dancing on Saturday and then out to town afterwards with her friends (exactly what she said).

My W comes home at nearly 5am and stays downstairs not coming to bed. I wake up at about 8am and my W is wide awake and didn't even look like she'd had a drink. I asked her if her bf went out and she said no and wouldn't look me in the eye.

So I'm convinced that i'm not being told the truth because when she has been to town and comes back at that time she is completely wasted and a mess the next day.

I go to the atm to get money out and my print out showed that my w had only taken out a 20, so the sums were'nt adding up.

There was an elephant in the room and I said to her, 'we both know that you didn't go to town last night, so who where you with last night'? My W lied at first and then admitted she'd been with the OM at his place.

We had a bizzare R talk, mostly me saying that she was selfish and that she would regret these choices she was making and that we could have tried to work things out.

I said to her that the way she has treated me over the past year has been a form of cruelty and that if she had any respect for me, herself and her family she would wait until we had gone our separate ways.

I have no desire to be with this person as my W anymore. I want to remember the good times that we had as a couple and as a family, but this is no way to live.

I am standing by my decision to file, I know it was the right call for me and I could never trust this person again now.

Oh and not that age should matter I found out that the OM is actually 52 - 20 years older than her. Some life choices are just messed up, I'm not looking back and I am rolling on with plan D.

Bill
Hi Bill. Sorry you had to go through that. Yea its messed up. But keep on the high road , a quiet dignified and respectful path. It is a strong silence that you are showing. It will help with down the road. Did you get a chance to read that article I posted for you on the previous page? Chin up my friend. Enjoy your next run. You can pound out the disappointment on the pavement.
Thanks for that cutter.

Yeah I read that article and I got a lot out of it. Some really good points made by people commenting on quotes from al turtles article.

Yep, I was the avoider, my W was the clinger, our roles reversed and now she has clung on to this OM.

I felt better spending time with one of my friends last night, felt a bit low today, but need to get my head together for my course.

I think we are going to have to separate very soon and as a short term solution, i'm going to suggest that we split staying in this house with the kids. My W will stay here for 4 nights, I will stay here for 3.

I think for the short term that would work financially, plus the kids get to stay in their own house all the time.

What do you think about that separation proposal?

Bill
Hi BB, I am sorry about the developments, but you are strong and dignified and have held yourself in respect. :-)
well would that not require 2 rentals on top of the house ? Personally I would not leave the home. She may offer to move out. She may not. If you do end up doing the 4 -3. Make it a 4 -3 - 3 -4
50% Keep it fair as possible so there is no view of alienation from either of you. You will also have to work out a budget to pay for the main home , bills and , child support. And please post your thoughts there on that subject. I respect your thoughts. I know of a few others who could use your advice and perspective. Your a good man Bill. You may have to brain storm with you wife on how to transition to this new phase but it will set up the foundations for co-parenting without any nastiness or any other motives. As always be civil , calm and collect. And wait another day before talking about it to make sure the shock of the weekend has lessened a little more.
Thanks Busting

I know we are all going through our own troubles, but it's still nice to hear these things.

Thank you for the pick me up smile

Bill
You handled it well Bill. I know that was painful even though you have decided that you are done.

Some choices and actions will just never be completely understood.
(((( BB))))
I'm sorry I wasn't very clear on my post before about how this proposal would work.

This would be a separation that wouldn't involve taking out any extra rentals straight away & would be an affordable option for both of us.

The nights when we are away from the children could be spent at either our parents house or a friends (in all honesty probably the OM's house for my W most of the time).

We wouldn't have to pay that much if anything to stay at some of these places for the nights that we aren't there and it would do the exact same thing as when I get my own place.

As I said this would only be temporary and we could trial it out for a fortnight or a month to see if it worked out.

This way I'm not worried about space in terms of where will my children sleep when I'm with them.

This would allow us to both the flexibility to clear some immediate credit card debts & improve our credit scoring, which we'll need for the mortgages / re-mortgage.

I'm actually OK with the 4 / 3 split, because I'll make up for it during the school holidays as I'll be off when they are off & will see a lot more of them during the holidays than my W.

I think the biggest thing I've learnt from this experience that I can share, is that fear stops you from taking action and control of your life.

Once you realise that you are enabling your WAS and that they have no respect for you and you don't trust them, this is when you start asking yourself the questions that matter.

Things like... Why am I letting myself be treated like this?
Would I let my son go through what I'm going through? and the real gem... Who is the only person who can pull me out of this abuse? YOU

If you have kids I think it makes things more complicated, I wouldn't say harder, because it hurts so much to see someone you love so much turn into this person.

You have to be brave and pull yourself out of the ring when you've taken enough punches.

There are so many beautiful, caring and funny people out there and all the work that you've been doing on yourself is going to make your future relationships even better.

Believe in yourself, believe in change and if you are meant to get back with your WAS it will happen.

Thanks Cutter, I'll get off my soapbox now I've motivated myself LOL

** let us know what you think about that proposal (now I've given you some more details)- temp living arrangements **

Bill smile
Thanks Denver

I know you've lived through that hell a lot longer than I did & through your determination and staying power you are still in your M.

I just had to draw line, because I couldn't live like this anymore.

I think you just know when you are ready to move on, you have to get real detachment first.

Her choices will come back to haunt my W, her choices, her life, her bed etc etc...

Although it's been a crappy couple of days I'm strong enough to get through this.
Originally Posted By: breakdownbill
Thanks Denver

I know you've lived through that hell a lot longer than I did & through your determination and staying power you are still in your M.

I just had to draw line, because I couldn't live like this anymore.

I think you just know when you are ready to move on, you have to get real detachment first.

Her choices will come back to haunt my W, her choices, her life, her bed etc etc...

Although it's been a crappy couple of days I'm strong enough to get through this.



A strongly agree with all of that ^^^

And yes, we all have our own limits. You stood for your M. For that, you should be proud. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your decision to be done.
Cheers Denver

My M was worth standing for and I'm glad that I tried to save it, but this was a fight I was never going to win.

I need to save myself and be the man I want to be. I want to provide for my kids in every way, I want them to be proud of their dad and I want them to see me happy.
Originally Posted By: breakdownbill
Cheers Denver

My M was worth standing for and I'm glad that I tried to save it, but this was a fight I was never going to win.

I need to save myself and be the man I want to be. I want to provide for my kids in every way, I want them to be proud of their dad and I want them to see me happy.



Then you DID win! wink
Yeah, you are right smile

Hey Denver I posted this earlier, do you think this temporary arrangement might work.. I was going to talk to W about this idea.

Quote:
think we are going to have to separate very soon and as a short term solution, i'm going to suggest that we split staying in this house with the kids. My W will stay here for 4 nights, I will stay here for 3.

Quote:
This would be a separation that wouldn't involve taking out any extra rentals straight away & would be an affordable option for both of us.

The nights when we are away from the children could be spent at either our parents house or a friends (in all honesty probably the OM's house for my W most of the time).

We wouldn't have to pay that much if anything to stay at some of these places for the nights that we aren't there and it would do the exact same thing as when I get my own place.

As I said this would only be temporary and we could trial it out for a fortnight or a month to see if it worked out.

This way I'm not worried about space in terms of where will my children sleep when I'm with them.
It has been a couple of days since what happened on Sunday between my W and I and I've had time to let things settle. Now I'm starting to wonder just how much longer I can stick living in the same house as her.

Do you think what I wrote yesterday about splitting the time we spend at the house together with the kids could work in the short term?

I know that it goes against what what you should do when getting a divorce but I really want to move out now. Even if it is just to my parents or sister's place for the short term, the kids could stay there with me for my 3 nights anyway if I moved out.

My W said that she would sign the paperwork agreeing to buy me out of the house and to a 60 / 40 split on residency for the children.

If I moved out now instead of the summer would it really make that much difference to my situation?
Originally Posted By: breakdownbill
It has been a couple of days since what happened on Sunday between my W and I and I've had time to let things settle. Now I'm starting to wonder just how much longer I can stick living in the same house as her.

Do you think what I wrote yesterday about splitting the time we spend at the house together with the kids could work in the short term?

I know that it goes against what what you should do when getting a divorce but I really want to move out now. Even if it is just to my parents or sister's place for the short term, the kids could stay there with me for my 3 nights anyway if I moved out.

My W said that she would sign the paperwork agreeing to buy me out of the house and to a 60 / 40 split on residency for the children.

If I moved out now instead of the summer would it really make that much difference to my situation?



Sorry I didn't respond to you yesterday Bill. I missed that post somehow.

I think that it really is up to you whether or not you can handle such an arrangement. It may yet be difficult on you emotionally. Your statement:

"Now I'm starting to wonder just how much longer I can stick living in the same house as her."

makes me wonder if that is what is best for you.

Personally? I couldn't do it.

Otherwise, I don't see how it could affect your situation.
Thanks Denver

My M is over (legally no, but will be soon), it makes no difference to my W if I am here or not, it won't slow down what she is doing with the OM.

I don't care what she does now, the door is shut on any R with me and if she changed her mind & came back now I would reject her advances. I need the time apart from her, whether that is permanent or not only time will tell, but right now she is not someone I want a R with.

If I can still see my kids 3 nights and 3 days a week on my own (quality time), whilst having 4 days & nights to get through my UNI work and get my life back on track, what is stopping me?

I don't want the house, I want a new house, a blank canvas that I can call my own for me and the kids. This will happen next summer at the latest, moving in with family will help me alot right now, both financially and emotionally.
Originally Posted By: breakdownbill
what is stopping me?

I don't want the house, I want a new house, a blank canvas that I can call my own for me and the kids. This will happen next summer at the latest, moving in with family will help me alot right now, both financially and emotionally.



Exactly. What is stopping you? Nothing. That is what I would do.
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
Originally Posted By: breakdownbill
what is stopping me?

I don't want the house, I want a new house, a blank canvas that I can call my own for me and the kids. This will happen next summer at the latest, moving in with family will help me alot right now, both financially and emotionally.



Exactly. What is stopping you? Nothing. That is what I would do.


^^^ Cheers Denver, this is the validation I think I needed.

A solicitor (lawyer) would advise me to stay put, but for my sitch it isn't going to affect access with the children or being bought out of the house.

The time my children are with me will be quality time and I will make sure my workload is up to date so they get to spend 3 great days and nights with dad every week.

I need to do this now for me.

Bill smile
I guess that I should have stated that that's what I would do with the caveat that if a lawyer thought it would be harmful to your custody rights, that I would not. I don't know the law in England. I am fairly confident that it would not be harmful here in colorado.
I think if my kids didn't see me for a few days a week my W may have a case for abandonment, which over here can affect your access rights.

My W may be a lot of things, but she wouldn't do that to me, plus she would want the kids out of her hair a few nights a week so she can have her own life too.

It's late now, so I think I will talk with my W about what our separation options are tomorrow and probably break the news to the kids at the weekend.
Good luck Bill. You are moving forward and that is good. It will be better soon I'm sure.
Yeah it just has to get better now, it really couldn't have gotten much worse.

It will be weird not living as a family 24/7 at first, but this change will be good for everyone.
Posted By: afa75 Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 10/09/12 11:31 PM
Sorry to hear of the recent developments Bill.
Sounds like you're doing considerably well.
Keep taking care of yourself for you and the kiddos.
Originally Posted By: breakdownbill
I think if my kids didn't see me for a few days a week my W may have a case for abandonment, which over here can affect your access rights.

My W may be a lot of things, but she wouldn't do that to me, plus she would want the kids out of her hair a few nights a week so she can have her own life too.




This is one of those times where you are going to have to take some short term pain for long term gain.

Your lawyer advises against it. Your hedging that your wife is going to be fair with you....

Lots of IF's here Bill.

2 years ago if I said to you that your wife will have an affair on you and ask for divorce. You would say.

My wife would not do such a thing. That is not the person she is.

But she became that person.

I would look at getting a day or two away tops. Just for a break.

Then back home until this is legally worked out and binding.

Like you said. She can go stay with OM as well for a day or two.

So that is now 3 days your in the house together instead of 7.

Talk with your lawyer and come up with a plan that does not offer the chance of her playing the abandonment card on you.

Divorce is Breakdownbill vs. Mrs. Breakdownbill

If you move out you know what can happen. So you have to be prepared for the worse.

This is not the time to be basing any further life altering events on some hopes and maybe's
I know you are right in terms of protecting my best interests with the kids Cutter.

Something needs to change though because I don't want this at all. Maybe just getting out of the house for a couple of nights will be enough for now.

I think i'll try and get some things speeded up in terms of valuations of the house and W trying to see if she can take on the mortgage, as I need these done before I go back to my lawyer ideally.

There is no reason to pause or delay this.
I haven't updated this thread for nearly a week & I will have to start a new one pretty soon.

Over the weekend my W and I had another talk as there was an atmosphere in the house and we weren't really talking about anything since the weekend before.

We cleared the air over a few things and were just honest with each other about a lot of stuff.

We talked about Christmas, money, the children and living arrangements & it was really ammicable and nice, we were listening to each other and we are actually on the same page with this.

My W is happy with what I'm proposing in terms of living arrangements with the children & buying me out of the house so I can put a deposit down on a new place next year. I've agreed to show my W all of the paperwork prior to submitting anything so everything is transparent and matches up with what we have verbally agreed and in return my W has stated that she will not get legal representation as we are being so open about this and we agree on the terms anyway.

I have decided to move out of the family home probably next week when the children are off school for half term, this is so that they can have plenty of time to ask questions and react to the news in their own way without having to go back into school the next day (and there is a gap before christmas then as well).

I'm going to move back in with my parents whilst I'm still at UNI doing my teacher training and the children will be staying with me 3 nights a week at my parents place (we've even agreed on a rota - which we can be flexible on).

I know things can change and all the legal advice says to stay in the home, but it's not benefitting anyone by me staying there.

I will still see my kids a significant ammount of time every week & there will be no case for abandonment. When it comes to the kids I really do trust my wife because she wants what is best for them just like me.

We've agreed to split the kids christmas gifts 50 / 50 I've bought my son's presents & my wife will buy my daughter's presents - they will be off santa (both of us).

Before anyone bashes me for not listening to legal advice, I have looked into it & this is a risk I'm willing to take, because I honestly believe that my W will do what's right by the kids. Despite everything that has happened, we've always been tight when it comes to the kids.

We both couldn't take much more of the situation at home & we really do need our own space now.

I'm happy that we can be really ammicable about all of this & being friends is what is best for the kids right now.

I think I've really come to terms with my feelings about all of this over the last few days. I don't want to fight with my W anymore and I don't want her to feel guilty about what is happening. The way I see it now is that we both could have handled this differently and I am just accepting of what is & see no reason or benefit for holding any grudges.

I'm at peace with it now & feel like I can be that strong person that my kids can lean on to get get through this.


Bill
Fair enough Bill. Handle it with grace. Talk to you over at MW as well. Make sure all these items you decide on are written out. Signed. Witnessed. Copy for you and wife and witness. And have a lawyer go over it.

It is peaceful now between the two of you. But that can change so why not protect both your interests. Since your mediating your divorce together.
I think that's been the biggest change for me, finally realising that it is actually over between the two of us. I totally get why our M broke down and I more than played my part in it all. I grieved for a long time while trying to save this M and really hated what my W did to me with the OM, but I understand why she did now & that makes it easier for me rationalise this past year.

I'm not feeling bitter and I do still really care for my W and just want her to be happy now. We are a good team when we put our minds and focus together & I really think that our children will feel the benefit of us splitting on good terms & remaining friends.

I will make sure that the communication is good between my wife and I through all of this so that the paperwork is consistent with what we agree on & things stay peaceful.

This makes life easier for everyone, especially the children.

Thanks for being supportive and understanding Cutter, you are a good friend & your advice has helped me get through some tough times.

Soon enough I'll get through the other side of this & will really start to build a new career and a new life, opportunity is out there just waiting for me.

I really am in the best place (emotionally) that I have been in since I started this.

Bill smile
One of the benefits of being the Vow keeping spouse is that you get to mourn the loss of the marriage in a healthy manor. You get to experience all this grief and loss. Then when you end it. You are helping yourself with the reality and acceptance stages. They picked sex with another person over personal growth. Right now you may still think [censored] to be you. But truly it is the other way around.

You never have to say the words. "My marriage ended because I am a cheater."
You are blessed with saying.
"My marriage ended. I was cheated on. So I made it into something positive. I worked on myself and became a better man."

The cheating spouse does not get to go through this until years later. And if they never do then it truly is a good thing they are out of your life.
Posted By: Arsene Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 10/16/12 04:50 PM
Hey Bill,

As saddened as I am about your situation, I am also glad to see you standing tall and displaying this strength. I'm sure, based on the way you are taking it, that it will be for the best in the end my friend.

Hats off to you mate!
I totally agree that going through this has made me so much more self aware and stronger emotionally.

I'd like to think I'd be able to just simply say, "my marriage didn't work out, but we are still friends".

I think that's a big thing for me, just letting go of all that hurt I was carrying around with me.

I know what happened, my W knows what happened, if people asked me I'd tell them but it's not important enough for me to hang on to that image.

I hope my W does go to IC to at least start looking inwards to move forward from this.

On a lighter note, I think I'll have to join a gym because our winters here are rubbish for doing anything outdoors and I want to keep building up my mileage for next year and that half marathon I want to run.

How are you getting on CB? Still training hard for the next race?

Bill
Thanks Arsene

It is sad really that my M is coming to an end, but I think I'm going to keep our friendship, which is definitely better than being horrible to each other (esp when kids are involved).

I feel like I've grown up so much and I'm not worried about being alone or the future, because I can see much more clearly now.

It's true what they say about making your own happiness, YOU do it yourself and when you are with people you love, you share your individual happiness with each other and neither has to be dependent on the other for happiness.

That's what we need to focus on mate.

BTW I liked your rodeo bull riding analogy you posted the other day smile
Bill that friendship will change to friendly acquaintances with shared history. Realistically thinking you are not going to call her and talk about your dating issues nor should you have to listen to her's. Eventually you will become strangers like the women you dated 13 to 20 years ago.

where the only time you will see each other is at weddings , funerals , birth of grandkids... That's about it. This is what the on going affair costs and the choice to not work on the marriage. I know this does not make sense right now. But down the road to have a healthy relationship where you both go your separate ways then this is what happens. Acquaintances who can co-parent then just Acquaintances.
I guess I haven't thought that far down the road about how much or how little we will see each other co-parenting.

I haven't got any agenda in terms of wanting to get back with my wife, so how things will be should just work themselves out with time.

I mean things are different already in terms of the wider family on both sides. My W has had little or nothing to do with my family since Christmas and I don't get the impression that I would be welcome anytime soon at the MIL's since my W told her about the D.

We are going to spend Christmas morning together with the children & then the kids will spend the rest of the day with W then the evening with me & stay over.

We are telling the children on Friday about the D, which is just going to be awful, but we both have to be strong for them. It will be a compete bombshell for them to deal with.
Posted By: MrBond Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 10/17/12 12:29 AM
Before you do that, come up with a plan as to how they are going to be split. They're going to have to learn that you are no longer a family and that they are going to get used to being traded off.
Bond, I agree about coming up with a plan before we split and to be fair I have actually posted about this already a couple of times on this thread...

Quote:
I'm going to move back in with my parents whilst I'm still at UNI doing my teacher training and the children will be staying with me 3 nights a week at my parents place (we've even agreed on a rota - which we can be flexible on).


This is not something we haven't discussed at length with each other.

Quote:
They're going to have to learn that you are no longer a family and that they are going to get used to being traded off.


Yes the children will have two separate families as opposed to one big family and this transition needs to be managed on their timeline, with their feelings and emotions being considered every step of the way.

I think the last part in bold is very cynical and presumptious about how it is going to be for my children.
I certainly won't want them to feel like they are being traded off and would hope that they would look forward to spending time with their dad by me making it fun and as homely as possible.

Just on a lighter note and please don't take offence to this, but when I read your posts I picture Mr Fredricksen from 'UP'.
I don't know why but thought I had to confess and share that with with you wink

Bill
Bill what he and I are saying is write it out.

Write out what you want.


Then you can negotiate.


Until this is down in writing its just hear-say.

No more. When it is written out and presented you will see if it really is going to happen or if you have some battles ahead.

I must stress this.

DO NOT LEAVE UNTIL YOU HAVE AN AGREEMENT THAT IS BINDING.
Bill, I'm sorry about what you're going through. I'm living through it right now, and I can imagine it's a lot worse where there are children involved. I am sending you lots of strength and peace for your family meeting on Friday.

Only six months ago, I could not imagine not talking to my H every day. Now, it's been 6 weeks since we talked, and he has turned into this money-hungry stranger. It's amazing how a family/R can break apart. But it does happen. It does open your eyes. And let's hope we are all learning from this experience as the days go by.
I am right there with you as well.
Thanks for your thoughts & solidarity Tori & Grateful, so many of us are in the same boat & it's nice to hear the support sometimes.

I get what you are saying Cutter about having things written down & we have been writing things down together as we've been discussing things.

I need to try & tie up a couple of things before I go back to the solicitor to start the paperwork & I think if we have everything written down by then before it is presented & we are ok with it, we should be good to start the ball rolling with the D.

A lot of this stuff we are in agreement on & I'm going to try and keep the open and honest communication and dialogue going between my W and I about all of this.

I hear what you are saying about protecting myself & my children's interests and I'm glad you are looking out for me.

Right now I'm just focused on being there for the kids once we tell them & supporting them as best as we can through this.

Bill
The thing that had scared me the most about all of this has been and gone.

We told the children yesterday about their mum and dad splitting up and how dad was going to live somewhere else.

It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I was proud of how my kids handled it all yesterday and moving forward today.

Their first reaction was natural, questioning why? and asking if they could do anything to stop or fix it. There was a lot of tears shed yesterday by all 4 of us.

We were both strong and reassured the children that we loved them very much and that they are our no1 priority and that they come first.

I had built up in my head that this was going to be worse than it was, but my children were great and they are now actually looking forward to having sleepovers with dad 3 times a week and having 2 bedrooms smile

We stayed together as a family yesterday and watched films and talked when the children wanted to talk.

I'm going to spend my 1st night out of the house on my own probably Monday or maybe sooner and then the children will stay with me the night after that. We are just trying to make this transition as smooth as possible for them whilst they are off school this week.

Everything is really amicable between my W and I, we are in agreement as to how finances and child arrangements are going to be made & we've started getting everything down in writing.

I know things could change between us, but right now we are on the same page and we are friends.

I think having those clear the air talks before we told the children was the best thing that could have happened. It couldn't have gone any better (if there is such a thing as better in situations like this).

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and now we can be open and supportive to the children through this.

I've realised lately what great friends I have and how I should spend more time with these guys GAL'g more. Next Saturday quite a few of us are going to a beer festival which I'm really looking forward to.

I feel really at peace with what is happening right now. It is more than just an acceptance of what is happening, it's an appreciation of the changes happening and how I am going to embrace them fully with the newly found self awareness I've gained on this road.

The kids have gone out on a pre-halloween trick or treat walk with W, so I'm going to use this time to get 7 miles in on the road.

Bill smile
Posted By: afa75 Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 10/20/12 11:57 AM
Hey Bill, its been awhile since I've been on your thread.
I'm glad to hear that you remain strong for you and the kids, as well as you and W being able to be amicable towards one another.
I hope that all continues for you and your family.

Favor to ask of ya, either run an extra mile for me it have a pint for me at the beer fest? smile

Proud of ya man!
Quote:
Favor to ask of ya, either run an extra mile for me it have a pint for me at the beer fest? smile


I think it'll be the extra pint, I haven't been for a run for 12 days & I'll struggle with the 7 miles smile

Thanks Afa, I'm doing good considering.

Bill
I'm aching today, think I'll need to go back out for a run tomorrow - get a short one in to loosen up.

Tomorrow is moving out day, kids are gonna spend their 1st night with me on Tuesday night.

I'm glad that they have taken the news so well smile

They said that they can't wait to have sleepovers with dad which is really nice to hear.

We've started to get everything written down about the financial and child arrangements.

Having a decent weekend, just cooking a nice roast dinner smile

Bill
Posted By: Arsene Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 10/21/12 06:11 PM
Glad to hear your talk with the kids went well mate! Cheers!
Roast. Nice. Will be over soon.

Got a race lined up next weekend.


Bill. A friendly word of advice. This week. Take 30 minutes out each day and just go do something new. Such as walk down a different street. Turn off the music. Tv. Everything. Take a break from the routine.
That's a good idea for anyone. Love it.
Thanks guys

CB - what's the race next week? a 10K? I think the next chance I get I'm gonna go to that fancy running shop for a decent pair of running shoes.

I've got flat feet (absolutely no arch there)and I think with the right kind of support for my feet my body will be able to take more miles. I've been feeling like stamina wise I could step it up on the last few runs, but my joints have been saying no way!!

I really want to do that half marathon next year, so I think it'll be a sound investment getting the best type of shoes for my feet.

I do need to start adding new things every day & that's good advice what you said there.

I woke up today feeling good, not worrying about anything just knowing what I'm doing and where I'm at.

It beats the s@*t out of that limbo land, talk about false advertising in the brochure wink

Bill
Its just a little trick for the mind and storing of information. Anything you really do this week that is routine or a song heard a few times will be associated with this week. So what you are doing is writing the memory patterns with no triggers.
Hi everyone

I've needed a couple of days away from here to just try and work through these last few days.

I moved out on Tuesday & the kids stayed over with me which was great & we had a really good day today.

I've been to the movies tonight with one of my friends, went to see Taken 2 - pretty good smile

I must admit it felt good just picking up the phone without any hesitation or checking if it fits in with W's plans and saying to my friend, "Hey there's a film on in an hour do wanna go see it"?

Wow!! Being spontaneous is pretty cool, I've missed you spontaneity wink

Tonight is my 1st night alone and it's not as weird as I thought it would be.

I'm doing good and my kids seem to be handling all of this pretty well so far.

I'll keep you guys posted & thanks for checking in with me.

Bill
Posted By: Arsene Re: Accepting reality, moving on with my life - 10/25/12 12:38 AM
Glad it's going well Bill. Take care of yourself.
Hi Bill,

Sorry I haven't been online at all since October, but I read through your sitch, and I am wondering how you are doing these days? At the end of this thread, you sounded like the freedom felt great.

I hope things are still as smooth as they started out, and hope it hasn't gotten ugly.

How's Uni going?

Me, I've been really busy with Uni. I have another month to go and then I finally graduate. It was been really hard on the schedule, and fortunately my H and my family have given me a lot of time and space to get the work done. Just another month, and it's finally complete. Of course then, I have to go get a job and that's a whole different schedule coming up.

So yeah, let us know how you are doing smile
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