WHG: Waiting out the time before D...

Realized my old thread is at 95... may as well start a new one. Here are my comments from the last post of my old thread:

Something I meant to reflect on last night in my post... and any newcomers to the boards feel free to take it for what you think it's worth...

A year ago I felt like my life was falling apart around me. I can remember so vividly turning the car around and going back home to confront my W. Hearing those words. Talking for a while. Feeling that hug (I believe it may have been the last hug she ever gave me) and remembering how much it felt like a goodbye hug. The drive to an EAP counselor. Getting the book. The chaos of my life thereafter.

And yet here it is one year later. My life is good. No, not great, not yet. But good. I had more fun this past weekend than I had in many weekends while we were together near the end. I remember the pain I was in leading up to the bomb drop. That's no way to live. No matter how bad you think it will be, it will get better.

I went to sleep last night. No sleep aids... slept all night. Got up and gave my S lots of hugs and kisses since I won't see him until Wednesday. Went to work. All the things that make life, life.

It's different than it was. There are times it still really hurts. It's hard to watch the WAS struggle. Heck she called today to see if I had sent the child support check as she forgot about her car payment and literally had no money for food until Friday. But life is better. It will get better. Have faith. Be strong. Look forward. Be you.

Well said WHG. Keep up the good work.

I know exactly what you're saying.

Originally Posted By: workinghardguy

Realized my old thread is at 95... may as well start a new one. Here are my comments from the last post of my old thread:

Something I meant to reflect on last night in my post... and any newcomers to the boards feel free to take it for what you think it's worth...

A year ago I felt like my life was falling apart around me. I can remember so vividly turning the car around and going back home to confront my W. Hearing those words. Talking for a while. Feeling that hug (I believe it may have been the last hug she ever gave me) and remembering how much it felt like a goodbye hug. The drive to an EAP counselor. Getting the book. The chaos of my life thereafter.

And yet here it is one year later. My life is good. No, not great, not yet. But good. I had more fun this past weekend than I had in many weekends while we were together near the end. I remember the pain I was in leading up to the bomb drop. That's no way to live. No matter how bad you think it will be, it will get better.

I went to sleep last night. No sleep aids... slept all night. Got up and gave my S lots of hugs and kisses since I won't see him until Wednesday. Went to work. All the things that make life, life.

It's different than it was. There are times it still really hurts. It's hard to watch the WAS struggle. Heck she called today to see if I had sent the child support check as she forgot about her car payment and literally had no money for food until Friday. But life is better. It will get better. Have faith. Be strong. Look forward. Be you.

Pain is no good, glad to hear you finally enjoying yourself and enjoying what life has to offer you.

A good weekend and week. Really had very little contact with STBX, actually none come to think about it. Tonight will be the first time I've seen her in... almost a week?

This is probably the longest period where we've had no communication other than she liked a photo I posted of my son on Facebook. I've felt alternatively relieved, upset, sad, and happy about it.

Saturday night went out with friends and glad I did. I still get "jumpy" but again it was good. It was our Meetup group. Smaller this time with new faces but still good. It was funny at the end of the night... I'm so out of practice in the dating world. I found myself flirting and being flirted with by one of the new group members. The football game was over and we had all done a karaoke song so we were getting ready to head out. Suddenly I see the guy across the table ask the gal for her number and she gave it to him. I found myself thinking... why the heck didn't I do that? Dang am I out of practice!

On the drive home though I reflected on that whole sequence. I found myself actually wanting to get someone's number. And not because I'm lonely, but because I really found that woman to be interesting, funny, cute, and wanted to know her more.

I'm fairly confident now that my STBX isn't coming back, or at least not any time soon. Had she not met her guy perhaps but she has and so that "loneliness need" is filled for her. Then again I don't want to just fill that box for her.

This weekend my son and I took a long walk around town. We talked about lots of things. He asked about mommy's new boyfriend (my term not his... he just used his name)... what does it mean "to date"... Asked if he would be his new daddy someday. I managed to answer all of them calmly and without breaking down.
We talked about how I'll always be his daddy no matter what just as mommy will always be his mommy. That it's hard for adults to be alone sometimes, and that mommy is doing the best she can. Man it's hard to distill it down into words a six old will get and not trash your STBX in the process.

He said that mommy is always so sad. And that mommy just hates being alone.

Even a six year old has that figured out.

WHG,

what a smart perceptive son you have.

sounds like you are doing well in such a difficult situation.

((((( )))))))

Just had to say... tonight I miss my family. More than usual. Just sad. Had all the kids here as STBX worked tonight. Had a full compliment around the dinner table for once. Usually it's just S and I, and he's six so not a ton of cooking involved.

I just miss it. Can't do anything about it. But I do miss it. And missing it, and SS and SD, makes me sad.

WHG, as one of the many in the same sich, with kids also, I know your pain. You're not alone. Many of my weak moments are because of the possible effects on the kids. Having them is awesome, not being the "intact" family unit simply sux. As many here and in real life had said, be their rock. I now realize "faking it to make it" isn't so easy for the kids. As you originally posted in this thread, you have been able to again enjoy life. Show that to your kids!

I'm 37, my W is 31, we have 3 kids. Our 9 ann was 9/13. Too scary of our similarities.

.

Also, your sadness us due to the fact that you love your kids, it's a good thing. Be sad for awhile, and then grow stronger again. I'm sure you will.

Thanks afa... I think what really makes it hard is I miss my stepson and stepdaughter so much.

I get my son 50/50, but I get SS and SD so much less because they have a mom and a dad, and I'm neither of those people. My time with them is really "catch as catch can" or time that I fabricate. And I always need to keep in mind that time with me is time they don't have with their real mom and dad.

Wednesdays and Thursdays (and every other Fri-Sun) are my days with my S. If I had all of them those days my heart probably wouldn't be quite so broken. But I don't and there's not much I can do about it.

Tonight my S cried because he too missed the big family dinners. They just rarely happen in either house now. After my W left her XH demanded 50/50 time so he could avoid paying child support.

We managed to go from one intact house and one broken... to three broken. Pieces just lying around everywhere you look.

Hey WHG! I'm just popping in to say hello. Good to see you still posting. Hope all is as well as can be expected, under the circumstances!

Take care!

Hey 2TP... you too... hope things are good on your end!

It's been a good weekend. Didn't have the kids most of the weekend as it was STBX's weekend, but did some me-stuff. Friday took S and SS out for dinner as SD had a sleepover and I figured the boys wanted none of that

Then SS spent the night at my place so we could do our volunteer thing on Sat morning.

I was touched on Friday night... SS asked me to sit down and help him earn his next promotion in the youth group so we did that. Then he asked if I would help him figure out how to design a special gumball machine for his wood shop class. I told him of course. When I asked him why he asked me he said that I was the smartest person he knew

Ok, I'll take it

When I picked S and SS up Fri night STBX was in an incredibly foul mood. God how I remember those moods! I found myself trying to crack a small joke or two before my brain kicked in and reminded me that her mood isn't my problem. Gathered up the kids and headed out... left her to stew in her own anger. Turns out she didn't get the job she was hoping for so she was angry... at least that's what SS said.

Saturday night was sort of a big night for me. I live in a small town (10,000 people). My W has lived in this town since she was 6 and her family has lived here for generations, so she knows lots and lots of people. When we split up she "got the friends" since most of my friends were spouses of her friends. So since the split I haven't gone out in our town. I just haven't wanted to face her friends or any of that.

Well Saturday there was a comedy show in town. The headliner is one of her best friend's FIL. But I really like him and like stand up comedy. So I got some friends from my Meetup group together and we went. I will admit I was incredibly nervous. I almost chickened out, multiple times, but I went.

And I'm glad I did. It was a great time. A couple of W's friends came up and gave me huge hugs. Others chatted with me and one of the spouses and I set up a time to go trap shooting together. It helped that STBX wasn't there... I don't know that I could've handled being at the same event as her and boyfriend just yet.

So tonight I'm finishing the last of the D paperwork

Such is life. I was over at her place today to drop off a cookie fundraising order. She was still in a foul mood. Dropped off the stuff, talked to the kids, talked to MIL, SIL, and briefly talked to STBX. Then headed home.

Hey WHG , how is it going.

Been a busy couple of weeks. Was able to have all the kids this past weekend, or most of it. SS went with his grandpa part of the weekend. Took SD to the mall since she's moving into those pre-teen years where the children's museum just doesn't cut it as much anymore

We got our final hearing date today... the day after my birthday. I really hate that every significant moment in this debacle has been tied to some memorable day. Bomb drop the day before our anniversary. Her move out the day after Valentine's Day. Now this. Makes not remembering awfully hard.

I've actually been pretty good, though right now I'm a mess. Just got off the phone with STBX about the hearing date. Guess the finality of the hearing date has me pretty sad right now.

I will say this whole process has taught me things. I used to be much more judgmental. This weekend at the mall I bought my SD something she wanted. It wasn't a lot, but I found myself doing it because I get to spend such little time with her. Hoping that when she wears it she'll at least think of me. I used to look down on the part-time dads who bought stuff... but I get it now. I'm not a part-time dad by choice, but I am one nonetheless.

It's also taught me to be more grateful. Just last night I was sitting in my STBX's living room, reading over the divorce paperwork one last time. I found myself getting angry and bitter. But I forced myself to reflect that I had just had the chance to tuck my S in, spend time with SS and SD all night, and enjoy supper with them. STBX had to work and I was with the kids last night; tucking them in at her house because of school tomorrow. Lots of dads don't get that. So I could be bitter or I can be grateful for what I do have.

I see absolutely no change in my STBX. We pretty much only talk about the kids. I'm dark except when I have them or are with them. I don't involve myself in her life. She hasn't shown the slightest interest in me.

She has her guy and that's enough for her right now. I haven't been dating and still don't feel ready, though I'm growing more ready each month.

Last night she asked if we wanted to do a joint Christmas this year. I'm not sure yet. Though it's probably the only way I can see SS and SD any time around the actual holiday. We'd go 50/50 on presents for the kids. It's all a little strange. But I'm probably smarting right now from the final hearing news.

The only big development is that my STBX waived any claim to my 401k. She's put off dealing with it since this started. I told her I wouldn't get in the way but also wouldn't help. I also told her I would pay half of the cost of having an attorney draft the necessary order to split my 401k with her. Now she's frustrated and just wants to get the divorce done (even I will admit it's dragged on a long time). So she said to get it done she doesn't want to mess around with the time it would take to get an order and is just giving it up.

My first instinct was to push back and tell her she shouldn't do this. She needs the money... but you know what? She's an adult. This has always been her habit.. ignore until it's too late and then do it halfway. I've always been the one to fix the problems that doing that causes. But not this time. It's a $30,000 swing in my favor right now and about a $300,000 swing in my favor in 30 years.

So... sad today. S will be heartbroken on Nov 12. He keeps asking me if the divorce will actually happen and telling me he doesn't want it to. But we'll survive. Life will go on.

Yes it is sad whg. I remember how I felt the day of my divorce. I'm divorced a little over a month now. In a way it was liberating. I had no choice or say in the matter. Nothing turned out the way exw thought it would tho. She is not having fun and I feel bad for her some days. Things can only get better from now on. So hang in there. Keep being a great dad.

Rick and WHG I have been divorced one year this month myself. Although my exw on the outside seems happy with her man now, I still get the calls about how to fix things with cars the house and all sorts of things that the om can't do. I remember how I felt the day my d was final. I can tell you that it does get better, I have my down days but it seems to me its more of missing my kids than ex, although having an intact family is what I dream of often, I know that will never happen and even if the ex wanted to r with me, i think I would love to hear that conversation but don't know what I would do or say. So Rick I know you have several weeks until you know what alone is...( i am sorry ) and WHG you be final next month. I find that this board and this board only has helped me. I find it comforting that although I never met anyone from here that we have a bond that we can stay on here for years and help other people through there sitches. Like Denver and LITB , that's what is cool about life.....HOPE....

Hi WHG. I have not been on the boards for months and decided to check in and here you are. It's so tough what you are going through and I am just about to begin that path myself.

You seem like you are taking the high road all along. They say time heals all wounds. Let's hope you can move into a new and fulfilling world.

Thanks everyone. I like to think I've largely taken the high road... but what other road is there really? I know my S watches me constantly. I hear it in his questions and his ponderings.

The other day he asked me something about mommy. He said I wouldn't do something because that's only something you do for someone you care about. We talked about that. I told him I will always care about mommy because she is mommy, someone I loved, and someone who will always mean something. That seemed to satisfy him, but I could tell it was a test.

Time does help. I think I'm in the acceptance phase of grieving though it's pretty easy to move back and forth among the phases.

The alone thing... I already get. She's been gone since February. I keep busy. Have met new friends. Life is pretty good. Still miss someone to share it with though. But don't feel ready to invest in someone else. Torn there I guess. Then again I find it hard to remember that dating isn't necessarily about the "whole enchilada", at least not initially. It's about meeting people and seeing if you connect. Still sounds tiring though

So I remain torn on the appropriate course... It's clear my STBX is quite into this new R of hers. Which is fine... do what you want to do. What I have a problem with is that she keeps dragging the kids into it, particularly my S. This weekend she only had S due to a scheduling change with her other XH. So S spent two nights over at her BF's place. Her BF has a S the same age as my S and they have lots of fun. I get that. But seriously?

But I keep biting my tongue. I know my input won't matter a hill of beans. And she's been respectful of my feelings to some degree. For example this morning she agreed that S could come to church with me (this was something we agreed upon before she moved out, but it was only if she didn't have something going on). But she was nice enough to bring S to church so I didn't have to go to BF's house to get him. She knows that would've not been a good place for me.

So yes, I keep biting my tongue. It's her life and I don't believe my input will change anything, so why bother?

On the upside today I had a special treat of getting to spend the day with my S. When STBX dropped him off at church he asked if he could spend the day with me. I told him that it's mommy's day to which mommy replied "he said he'd rather spend the day with you so it's fine with me." Ok.... well, I guess with me he does have undivided attention versus having to compete with BF's son and BF.

So S and I went to church, then lunch, and then to the pottery shop to make grandma a Christmas present. We had fun. I was grateful as this was the first five-day run without my S in a long time. I was missing him pretty bad this morning. To be honest today's sermon was not something that really interested me, but I went because I wanted to spend time with S and it's been a few weeks since he's been able to go due to scheduling issues.

Keep on, keeping on. That's my motto these days. Keep on, keeping on. Today my S was taking about the D... and at one point he just says "Life is going to do what it's going to do". Yes little man.. yes it is.

No, she's there too. She's staying overnight at BF's house with our S.

WHG are you doing ok? Give an update

Yep doing ok, thanks for checking on my OLW

Been terribly busy... it's grant application season and been up to my neck in work and volunteering. Just haven't gotten back here lately.

Spent the morning with my STBX at a class the court requires for parents divorcing with children. The class wasn't all that great, but at least it confirmed for me that STBX and I are doing what we're supposed to do. STBX and I sat together and it was like old times. I was my usual self and she laughed a lot. Yet again no one would guess we're getting divorced... except for the part where we're at a class for people getting divorced

What frustrated me the most about the class was that it talked about conflict, about not trapping your kids in conflict, about resolving conflict. But what it didn't talk about was that, fundamentally, conflict and anger are choices you make. You choose to be angry. You choose to be pissed off. Maybe not initially as that's a biochemical reaction, but afterwards you choose whether to continue to grind your anger and feed the conflict. And if you have kids in the middle that's not ok. And even if you don't have kids it's still not healthy.

The class had one very awkward moment... the instructor asked if any of us got our way all the time in our failed marriages (the assumed answer is no). Suddenly my STBX raised her hand. The instructor noticed her and said, "you did?" STBX replied "Yes. All the time. He would move earth and mountains to get things my way." The instructor looked at her very seriously and replied, "Then you're an idiot [for divorcing him]". Then there was quiet tension until another woman blurted out, "Well I'll take him then".

I felt sorry for my STBX. I know what she meant. That I did do that, but not for the right reasons and not in the way she needed. Then after the class we talked for a while outside. About the kids, friends, and life. Suddenly she blurted out that she's sorry she failed me and our marriage. It came as we were discussing her friend who's getting a divorce. How her friend's husband blames my STBX. My STBX looks at me and says, "I told him {BFF's STBX], look, I own that I screwed everything up, failed [me], and destroyed my marriage..." and then goes on how she isn't going to own her BFF's failed marriage.

After that we talked a bit about how we got here at her lead. I owned what I feel I still own. But it was good and it was the first R talk in a long, long time.

Otherwise things are what they are. I still spend time with all the kids as much as I can, never as much as I want. Not dating yet. Tried it once. Turned out she was unhappily married. Go figure. Still trying to find my groove. I volunteered to coordinate and ride in a 400 mile bike ride this summer to raise money for the national network I work for. Definitely outside my comfort zone

My S is doing good... we had a fun Halloween. I was bothered by the fact that STBX chose to switch shifts so she could party instead of trick or treating with S, but her choice and her loss. S wanted to trick or treat with his cousin so I ended up going around with my STBX MIL, FIL, two SILs, a BIL, a niece and a nephew. It was interesting as usual with that crowd, but now when I'm with them I feel much freer. Like judge me or not I don't really care...

I'd officially like to have my birthday as a do-over if I could...? Today was my 39th birthday. Had planned to spend it with friends and my son. But the stomach flu decided to visit us so instead spent the day caring for my little one. We still had some fun, but he's so miserable right now that it just didn't have that birthday feel to it.

I think I need to stop having birthdays. Anyone who has tuned in previously may remember that last year it was SD who had the flu on my birthday. Although... last year I ended up having to wait up until 7am for my W to get home from the bar... at least this year I'm free from that drama and whatever she's doing, she's doing but it's not my drama.

Tomorrow is my last birthday present from STBX... we have our final divorce hearing. Been pretty emotional all day over that. Having S sick certainly hasn't helped. Sick little ones need lots of patience from their parents and I've let him down today on that end I'm sad to say. At least in 12 hours that part of the equation will be done.

And life goes on.

^^I agree, have your birthday again.

You guys are funny... you both basically just said what my STBX just posted on my Facebook page...

That's funny... STBX.. oops... XW is also a nurse

Well, it's done. Six years over. 1 year, two months and four days from the bomb at the courthouse across the street from the house we first lived in. Some kind words from the judge how he wished more couples could set things aside and work things out with their focus on their children. Small consolation for all the pain. XW and I were both crying at the end.

I know it's just a legal process but it still suxx and still hurts.

Sorry, I know it must be painful.

It's been a long haul for you. Your son is lucky to have you.

So sorry, WHG. you sound like such a nice and kind person, i hope that you are taking good care of yourself. (((((( )))))))

Sorry WHG and Happy belated Birthday. Its not just a legal process, its an emotional one as well. Grieve as long as necessary.

Sorry WHG. I hope you are taking care of yourself too. (((( )))

Do your birthday over for sure.

Three weeks out from the divorce. Quite frankly feels like a lifetime already. Doing alright I guess. Shortly after my XW moved out I jumped on Meetup to try and find some local groups. There was a group on there for 20 and 30 somethings. The group started up but then fizzled out. Thankfully the group re-launched itself and now is pretty active. I've made a few good friends and acquaintances through that. Between that, church, and my volunteering those have all been lifesavers.

Even found myself at the bar Tuesday night for our trivia league. Finally a bar league I'm good at

We ended up having a lot of fun with the three 20-something team of nurses sitting next to us. Too bad I felt more like their big brother, but it was still fun

Still strongly dislike the five day stretches where S is with my XW. Though, I don't think I've ever had a five day stretch that truly was one. Most Sundays I can take him to church or XW works one of the five days if not two.

Finding time to connect with SS and SD is still the hardest part. Especially the last few weeks. XW's work schedule has been giving her days off when she has all the kids so I see them much less. Went Black Friday shopping for all of them and we're going to do a joint Christmas. I still call and talk to them or text message them, but just not the same by a long shot.

Otherwise XW and I get along ok. I really don't see or talk to her much except about the kids. She volunteers to come let the dog out when work takes me out of town. Once in a while I volunteer to take the kids when she has bellydancing or something thing. It works for us.

About the only conflict comes when money gets involved. Last weekend I finally split our phone plans, which she's been on me to do forever. Her monthly bill went up $30/month. Mine went down $25/month. I warned it would happen, but she was still her old, angry self when it happened. A few days prior to that she learned she had to either a) change hospitals/clinics or b) pay $25 more a month for health insurance due to premium increases. Yep... that's how this thing works I'm sorry to say.

But doing ok. Don't cry nearly as much anymore... most times the sadness hits when I'm missing the kids. Not dating yet or still. Still think about it but just don't have the energy or desire to go there.

My New Years resolution is to be on the boards more

Life has been going good and I think I've avoided the boards because I didn't feel strong enough to come back here. There are still emotions that wash over me when I log in here, but they are different now I guess.

Christmas went well. I'll admit I was apprehensive coming up to it, but the holiday comes one way or the other

The weekend before my S and I went to Madison to see the Nutcracker. He's 6 and has been begging to go for the past month so... why not? We made a weekend out of it at a waterpark, an art museum, the capitol, etc... We had a blast and he absolutely loved the ballet. Now he's begging me to take him back in March for Dracula

Christmas Day went pretty good. XW brought SS and SD over and we all opened gifts together. XW and I went in together on gifts for the kids. We all hung out together at my house for about three hours before they headed off to my XMIL's house. I had S Christmas Eve and that's when we did stuff with my mom.

Christmas definitely had a poignant moment... I took my S over to the hospital to visit a family friend who was hospitalized over the holiday. I stepped out of her room to get some ice and as I came up to the door I heard my S and our friend talking. My S was telling Sue all about our trip. She told him that his daddy must love him a lot. My S replied "oh I know! He loves me more than anything else in the world". Then she asked my S how he's doing and replied "I'm doing good. The divorce isn't so bad now, I'm getting used to it. And we still do things together once in a while like tomorrow we'll all open presents and mommy and daddy can open my present for them together."

It was the first time I've heard my S say that the divorce at least isn't so bad

In two weeks it will mark the year anniversary of telling the kids.

Meanwhile XW continues to struggle. Her job, the 50/50 time split with her other XH, and life mean she doesn't see the kids much. She just came off of a six day run of not seeing them. At the same time she doesn't do anything extraordinary to change that, but that's her choice. She's frustrated because she can't get a different job and money is tight all the time.

I have noticed a few small things lately... her and BF have cooled somewhat. On Christmas she told me she's trying to give him and his S more space as they go through an ugly divorce process. Last week I dropped off a couple things the kids left at my house the night before and noticed she was wearing her wedding ring, albeit on the wrong hand but still weird.

For New Years I asked if I could have the kids for part of the evening to take them to a local indoor amusement place that runs a New Years Eve special. She asked if she could come along... I said sure.

So I don't know what any of that means or if it means anything... but I found myself not really caring, for the first time, when she asked if she could come along. Normally I would've treated that text message like a fragile egg... now... eh, having her along will make S ecstatic and it means I get to keep my promise to SS and SD about taking them there.

Good to hear from you. You sound well.

This second phase of saddness while not as intense as the first round when the bomb was dropped is somehow deeper.

You are blessed with a healthy son, enjoy the good times. Obviously you are doing a great job based on the conversation you over heard. Give yourself a high five

WHG, I surely know how you felt just prior to the D. I did not post for a bit as well. Its funny to me when reading threads on here. Although we all come from different walks of life, all the emotions whether male or female seem to be the same. I have been divorced a little over a year now and I still come back to these boards for support. My xw used to always say that our girls would be fine after the D. I do not agree, I think after reading what Michelle says it does effect them. After you overhearing what your S said to the friend, it made me feel good. The little guy will adjust in his own way. I wish I could have adjusted that way myself. But I guess innocence is lost with age. I hope your New Years with Ex and S go well, the wedding ring I must admit has me puzzled, but you never know. Just keep looking forward and being the best person and father you can not only to your step children but your son as well. All the changes us LBS's go through once we realize the changes are for us, we will survive. Take a look at Jbanti's thread and you will see that anything's possible. Take care
Scott

'sup?

Yes my man its update time

I miss people who were very regular posters and then drop off the map.

I hope your continued absence means things are going well.

Quote:

My New Years resolution is to be on the boards more

Oh, so you're one of those...

Seriously, how the heck are you and the kids? Hope you are doing well and hope you'll check in soon.