New to 180.. Any advice to make it work? - 08/15/12 03:17 PM
I have been separated on and off for over a year. He first left giving me the whole, we never should have married and have nothing in common speech in June of 2011. He was back in a couple of days. Then after pretending to try but not really he broke up with me on the last day of a cruise we were on in Sept 2011, 3 days before my birthday he moved out. For the next several months after that he did his best to avoid me. Anytime he felt he would lose me he would give me false hope then disappear again. This went on until mid-December when he wanted to start seeing me again to see of we were really over. We weren’t. Then just before the new year I got a phone call from his mistresses husband. There were texts and pictures involved. He never denied anything and told me everything. At first he tried to downplay it but when he saw all the evidence I had he began telling the truth. Or so I thought. He left out a lot. Like that he was still in contact with her even though he said he wasn’t. We began marriage counseling and we were getting along great. He moved back in during the month of January. By Valentine’s Day I received another call from his whore’s husband. With phone bill proof they still talked and texted several times a day every day. He begged me not to leave him. Then in March while we were out together he took a call and walked away from me. My suspicions were up now and I checked the bill when I got home. Yes. It was her again. I said nothing yet. That day he said he didn’t want to go to counseling. Just said he didn’t feel like it. I still said nothing. I did keep my eye on the bills now though. And they were at it again. Back in February I heard him tell her on speaker phone to leave him alone. He told her we were together and he did not want her messing it up. I am rolling my eyes thinking about it. I also wonder how long before he called or texted her to say he had to do that but didn’t mean it. About a week later he began pulling away from me. He was acting cold and angry all the time for no reason. Then in a counseling session he said he didn’t want to blind side me but wanted to leave again. He felt it wasn’t working and he never said he wanted to recommit to the marriage and needed to back off to find himself and figure out where he wanted his life to go. We would continue counseling he said. After he left he panicked a lot about me cheating on him. In counseling he was going on about how wonderful she was and how great she makes him feel. About how her marriage ended and he’s responsible for that and would try to help her since it was all his fault. The counselor and I could not get through to him. He continued a couple more sessions and then started canceling them. In May he tried to have an affair with me. For a little while I went along but then realized he was just keeping me as his back up plan when he said he thought we were over and done but did want to continue sleeping together on a no strings attached basis. I was like so you want me… YOUR WIFE.. to be your booty call while you have a girlfriend? Not happening. A few days later he contacted me again and we began dating each other. He said he would get rid of her. He told his whole family and his friends he wanted to come home to me and get rid of her. Then he saw her and decided he loves her and needs to see where that will go. By this point I was emotionally exhausted. Our anniversary came and went and I said please just leave me alone now. But I had a hard time letting go. I texted and called and left sad messages. I was a mess. He kept ignoring me or giving me false hope. He would say he was so sorry this all happened and he would take it back if he could but he made no move to reconcile. He continued to ignore me. Most recently I tried to get him to talk but he would blow it off or forget. Last night I told him I give up. I left him several messages and said we were over and I get he was just trying to get me to take the hint and move on so he could not feel any guilt over it. I said in a few weeks I would call to discuss what’s next. I am devastated. I am heartbroken. I believe with all my heart this could have been saved but he didn’t want to do that. I still believe he will regret this but is so deep in his fog he can’t see it yet. She is no good. Everyone that knows her says she is a basket case with severe issues. She even sells drugs at AA meetings and he makes excuses for that even. She is perfect in his eyes and I am no good. A few weeks ago I changed my look, dyed my hair blonde and got a new style. He was floored. He kissed me. Told me I was so pretty. Again would be up for a booty call but no more because he is “confused”. No he is not. Please. He is cake eating with no intention of coming back. Or if he ever had one like he promised with his false hope to keep me from moving on he wasn’t planning on acting on it anytime soon. Now I am having a hard time with it. I wanted to save my marriage. I did everything I could but nothing worked. I have to give up and as much as I don’t want to I know it’s what’s best for me now. I am writing because I need the support of other people who are going through this and have been here. I need to go a few weeks before I can talk to him. I need to work on healing myself and not caring what he’s up to anymore. How does the 180 work? Do these was ever contact you after you set them free? Or do they usually just keep the affair going relieved you let go?