My previous thread is
hereLast Monday, I decided that I had to go dark with my W. I began to realize that every communication we had with each other ended up with us having the same fights and the same R talk. Basically it always involved me trying to convince her to take me back, trying to reassure her that I did respect her, etc. and her always saying that she doesn't love me and she will never let me be with her again. When I saw that was the exact same direction our conversation was heading last Monday I finally told her that I could not keep having the same argument with her over and over and until we could communicate like adults I just could not talk to her to which she replied "can I count on that?"
I have not had much contact with her since then. She called me on Wednesday to let me know that we needed to go sign some papers for the D on Thursday. On Thursday we didn't talk in the car except when I asked her what the papers were. Thursday evening she dropped our kids off for a visit and I told her that they had some library books that needed to be taken back. Yesterday I called her to find out when she would be dropping the kids off for their visit this week, but other than that I have not spoken to her at all.
I am not sure that I have the strength to keep going though. I am scared that she will decide that she actually likes life without me and that she will not want to take me back. I have been told by a few people who have spoken with her and know what she is going through that I should not give up hope but every day that goes by it gets a little harder to continue having hope.
Until things really started to go downhill in June we had never gone a day in our relationship without talking. Even when I was away at law school for the past two years we either talked on the phone, texted each other, or talked via web cam every day. I feel so lonely and afraid. Even more than being afraid of losing her, I am afraid that I will do something stupid. I am so conflicted right now I find it hard to trust my own judgement.
So sorry to hear this. I've been following your thread and just signed up a few days ago. Hang in there man. You are in a tough spot, must feel awful. This is a difficult time.
Your fear is rational and totally valid in this situation -- but it is not serving you. Take care of yourself and realize that EVEN THOUGH IT HURTS, you are doing the right thing. Well at the very least, you are doing the "least wrong" thing. You are absolutely right with deciding to cut things off and go dark if they aren't going anywhere. Now stand by that decision and prove to yourself and to her that it was the correct one.
That is not dark.
That is dim.
How can you go dark with 5 kids ?
Stop being afraid of what your wife thinks.
Stop changing directions every couple of days.
Stop asking her to come back.
Stop not knowing what is going on with the paper work with D.
Start communicating about the kids via email so you can keep track.
Start using those drop off and pick up moments as a way to show that your working on yourself. Not through communication but through actions.
Start dressing better.
Start acting confident.
Start conversations at that time with the following words. " (NAME) . I am looking forward to my time with the kids. Talk to you in a couple of days. Any issues I will send you an email. Take Care."
Start controlling yourself.
Let the kids see how you are improving. GAL with them doing active activities.
They will be the ones who will communicate your improvements. When they look forward to seeing you.
I am scared that she will decide that she actually likes life without me and that she will not want to take me back.
Read that again....and then think DB/DR....then see what you think.
NASCAR,
Every time you talk to your wife and have an argument you are pushing her further away. Every time she gets mad at you it reinforces her decision. STOP HELPING HER.
You are doing the right thing. By going dark you are giving her fewer reasons to be mad at you. This is the best thing you can do right now.
I know the loneliness and fear. I have been dark for only a few weeks. Trust me, it gets easier.
You need to start GALing like crazy to keep your mind off of the loneliness. This will not make it go away completely, it will help.
Trust in your own reasoning. You did the right thing on the phone call and you are doing the right thing now.
Stay Strong.
I am scared that she will decide that she actually likes life without me and that she will not want to take me back.
Read that again....and then think DB/DR....then see what you think.
I get where you are coming from. Mostly that is the fear talking. She has been very hostile towards me over the past two or three weeks and even though I have tried to let go and detach it has been a difficult process. I am doing better at it, but it is still a scary time for me.
NASCAR,
Every time you talk to your wife and have an argument you are pushing her further away. Every time she gets mad at you it reinforces her decision. STOP HELPING HER.
Oddly enough that is exactly what my therapist said in IC today. He told me that he thinks that she is trying to draw me into the same arguments over and over to reinforce the image of an angry and controlling individual that she has built of me in her mind.
You are doing the right thing. By going dark you are giving her fewer reasons to be mad at you. This is the best thing you can do right now.
I know that I am doing the right thing by going dim, but it is still scary. Being ex-military, ex-law enforcement I have an alpha male mentality and giving up control and letting go is a pretty frightening thing.
I know the loneliness and fear. I have been dark for only a few weeks. Trust me, it gets easier.
You need to start GALing like crazy to keep your mind off of the loneliness. This will not make it go away completely, it will help.
I am trying to GAL as much as possible and in two weeks when school starts again I will have more GAL on my plate then I know what to do with. But until that point I am just trying to take things one day at a time.
Trust in your own reasoning. You did the right thing on the phone call and you are doing the right thing now.
Stay Strong.
Normally I do trust my own judgement, it is a product of my background. In some of my previous lines of work if you second guess yourself you could end up dead. But the past couple of weeks have made me aware that I have some pretty big blind spots in my judgement and that has me worried. When you wake up one morning and realize that you are in the middle of an EA and on the verge of a PA and you never even saw it coming until you were already in the soup can spook a person.
So I have gotten a couple of big pieces of news since the last time I talked to my W. I was accepted into an MPA program so that I can get a masters degree and I got a job. I am thinking about telling her when she brings the kids over for their visit tonight but I am not sure if I should or not. Any advice?
Boy, that's a tough one, NASCAR. If it were me, I probably would NOT. Because I know she'll eventually find out about it anyway (thus, I still gain the benefit of her being proud of my accomplishment, and "success builds attraction" and all that) . . .
Plus, I don't want it to appear at all "needy" on my part that I'm telling her this -- like I'm looking for some sort of reaction out of her.
But that's just me.
Starsky
That is pretty good advice. My original reason for wanting to tell her is because I had a class scheduled for Thursday evenings, which is when she usually brings the kids by. However, after learning about the job and that I only need 9 credit hours to be enrolled full time in a masters program instead of 12 I went ahead and dropped the Thursday class. (It is a research skills class and after two years of law school and a summer working for the attorney general's office I'm pretty confident of my research skills.) The one problem with the job is that it is only a six month training program which only gives me work until April, but it is better than nothing. Also, come August of next year I will have to start working on the 300 plus internship hours required to graduate from the program so I wouldn't be able to continue with any other kind of job anyway.
Because I know she'll eventually find out about it anyway (thus, I still gain the benefit of her being proud of my accomplishment, and "success builds attraction" and all that) . . .
This is the one thing I continue to struggle with about NC. I just don't get how she will find out about the job and school or how she will see the changes I am making if I don't talk to her and I don't see her. I have read success stories here and in other places that say that it works, and both my therapist and my pastor have encouraged NC and told me that she will know. I still struggle to wrap my head around it though. How do I get past that feeling of the whole thing not making sense?
Because I know she'll eventually find out about it anyway (thus, I still gain the benefit of her being proud of my accomplishment, and "success builds attraction" and all that) . . .
This is the one thing I continue to struggle with about NC. I just don't get how she will find out about the job and school or how she will see the changes I am making if I don't talk to her and I don't see her. I have read success stories here and in other places that say that it works, and both my therapist and my pastor have encouraged NC and told me that she will know. I still struggle to wrap my head around it though. How do I get past that feeling of the whole thing not making sense?
Oh, this one's easy. Ladies????
I just don't get how she will find out about the job and school or how she will see the changes I am making if I don't talk to her and I don't see her. I have read success stories here and in other places that say that it works, and both my therapist and my pastor have encouraged NC and told me that she will know. I still struggle to wrap my head around it though. How do I get past that feeling of the whole thing not making sense?
Who are you making the changes for?
Who becomes more successful after obtaining the Masters?
Who benefits from the great plan you have made?
Why do you concern yourself whether she sees it or not?
Confident man knows when others notice his actions.
March on and don't let her to distract you from your goals.
Lead.
People follow leaders not because they have to but because they choose to.
Your W will be watching.
I just don't get how she will find out about the job and school or how she will see the changes I am making if I don't talk to her and I don't see her. I have read success stories here and in other places that say that it works, and both my therapist and my pastor have encouraged NC and told me that she will know. I still struggle to wrap my head around it though. How do I get past that feeling of the whole thing not making sense?
Who are you making the changes for?
Who becomes more successful after obtaining the Masters?
Who benefits from the great plan you have made?
Why do you concern yourself whether she sees it or not?
Confident man knows when others notice his actions.
March on and don't let her to distract you from your goals.
Lead.
People follow leaders not because they have to but because they choose to.
Your W will be watching.
Pookie gets it. Pookie knows women.
Well I totally blew it tonight. When she came to pick up the kids she handed me some papers. She is petitioning to have the court declare that I have forfeited my right to visitation until I attend some mandatory parenting classes. According to her I told her that I refused to attend the classes. This is an out and out lie and I am filing a response to the petition saying exactly that. Unfortunately I broke radio silence and called her demanding to know when we had talked about this and when I told her that I refused to attend the classes. Of course, not only did I blow any benefit I had accrued by going NC, which clearly wasn't much, but I am also sure I just reinforced the anger issue with her. I am not sure where to go now, other then to file the paperwork with the court tomorrow. If she is going to be willing to perjure herself to try and bully me into signing the waiver and let the divorce proceed before the legally mandated waiting period is up then I think it's a safe bet that reconciliation is off the table for right now.
Well I spent all of last night and much of this morning dreading having to serve my response to my W petition yet once I served her with the papers somehow I felt much better about everything. I am not sure why that is.
Well I spent all of last night and much of this morning dreading having to serve my response to my W petition yet once I served her with the papers somehow I felt much better about everything. I am not sure why that is.
It's closure. I'm happy for you. Now build yourself a good life and include someone who you know wouldn't do this to you.
There are obviously people using the system and these kind of ways to control people. You found out like the rest of us.
Closure of an event.
What are you doing for yourself today?
Actually today I am doing nothing, which is something that I have not done in a long time. Just hanging out, having a Sliders marathon, and playing the Sims. I will have more than enough on my plate when I start work next week and school the week after that.
That's doing something.
Cheers.
well buddy. That was what we call a shot off the bow.
Next time do it in writing. That way you have a paper trail.
be very passive in all conversations now.
Make sure they are recorded. Protect yourself.
You do not want her saying to a judge or cops that she feels threatened... Cause if that happens you will have a battle to get access to your children
Well I did file a statement opposing her motion with the court where I stated that what she said was false and requested a hearing on her motion. When we go before the judge I am going to request leniency for her because nobody benefits from her going to jail for six months or having to pay a $1000 fine. Instead I am going to ask the court to mandate that she seek IC so that she can work through the issues that she is not dealing with and that the court monitor it as a sort of modified form of probation.
What are you talking about in terms of punishment for her? Neither of you has hard proof of what was said or not said. I don't see a court finding her guilty of perjury at this stage, especially family court where the judges are already jaded. Concentrate on not losing visitation and stop focusing on her. Totally protect yourself by getting everything in writing or by not having unwitnessed conversations about legal matters.
Whatever you do, do not discuss anything between you and your lawyer here in the public forum here.
In fact less you share about legal matters the better.
I know of few cases where the transcripts from public support forum were used in court against a person in your shoes and very successfully.
Protect yourself.
Yeah, I am clearly not thinking straight right now. Everything that has gone on the last few days has completely confused, hurt, and frazzled. I knew that things were not going to get better after just a few weeks, but somehow I had deluded myself into believing that at least they wouldn't get any worse.
What perhaps makes it even worse is that despite all the mess that she has put me through, I still hope that reconciliation is possible at some point. I'm not even sure why I feel this way. It would be so much easier to just quit. I could just go on and live my life without all of her drama. And yet I continue to feel like there is hope for things to get better. I can't tell you how many times I have been right on the edge of giving up only to have a little voice in the back of my head tell me that I should not give up.
actually it would be harder for you to quit.
You fear loss greater than controlling your life.
you have her drama if you quit.
You will have her drama and the loss of your children.
never quit on yourself ever.
actually it would be harder for you to quit.
You fear loss greater than controlling your life.
Honestly I do not fear loss. Loss is a part of life. I accept that my marriage is over and even if my W and I do get back together things will never be the same. I accept that we may never get back together. And the woman that she is now is not someone that I can live with. If she were to come to me today and ask me to come back without dealing with the problems in her life I would not do it.
What I fear is my heart becoming hardened and being unable to forgive. What scares me is watching her choose to walk down a road that I have been down myself when I know that road does not lead anywhere good. What I am most afraid of is not losing her but knowing from experience that if she keeps going down that road that she will lose herself.
However, you are right on one thing. It would be harder for me to quit because quitting would require not caring. Quitting would mean that I give up the most important change I have been trying to make in my life since this all started. Quitting would mean that I return to being self-centered and focused only on how things and people benefit me rather than caring and be concerned for the people around me.
Well I spent all of last night and much of this morning dreading having to serve my response to my W petition yet once I served her with the papers somehow I felt much better about everything. I am not sure why that is.
It's closure. I'm happy for you. Now build yourself a good life and include someone who you know wouldn't do this to you.
The woman that I married and that I love would not do this to me. This is the hard part for me, knowing that she is heading down a path that I already walked, knowing from experience that it doesn't lead anywhere good, and having to accept that there is nothing I can do to spare her the heartache that I know is coming. All I can do is try and make the best of my life and KLA in my own heart.
Yesterday I had a quite enlightening talk with my W. She said to me that she knew that I hoped that she would change so that I could come home because she talks to the same people that I talk to (not sure who that would be since the only two people I have said that to are my bishop and my therapist and as far as I know she is not speaking to either of them). The she went into her usual comments about how she had changed and that did not include taking me back. But then she said something that she has never said before and that I wished I had caught and commented on at the time. She asked me "why would you want to come home anyway?" I missed that at the time because she jumped right in with asking me if I had even told my brother that we were getting divorced.
However, the more I think about it the more I am beginning to feel that statement actually has some significance in understanding where her mind is at right now. Before she was at the "I hate you" and "everything is your fault" stage that she is in now she told me that she felt that our marriage was not working because she had done things in her past that she had never told me about and that because of those things she did not feel worthy to be my wife. Now I could be reading too much into her statement (one of the drawbacks to have been a cop and having been trained as a lawyer is that you are always looking for clues to what people are thinking in what they say and do) but I have began to wonder if all the anger is just to cover for the fact that she still feels guilty for what happened and that she is trying to push me away because she doesn't feel like I could love her after that.
Well I guess this counts as a small success. Today my W called me to let me know that they had something going on Thursday night (which I knew about) and to ask me if there was another night that I could have the kids over. It was actually a pleasant conversation which was a nice change from the ugliness earlier in the week.
Well I did file a statement opposing her motion with the court where I stated that what she said was false and requested a hearing on her motion. When we go before the judge I am going to request leniency for her because nobody benefits from her going to jail for six months or having to pay a $1000 fine. Instead I am going to ask the court to mandate that she seek IC so that she can work through the issues that she is not dealing with and that the court monitor it as a sort of modified form of probation.
Strange .... Eh.
She comes at you with guns blazing.... Then You stand up for yourself.
Then next day she is all nice.
Must be something there...
Something.... Attractive...
I sure hope so. The loneliness is killing me. Even when I am with people I feel alone because none of my friends have ever gone through anything like this so they can tell me how sorry they are and how much they sympathize with me, but they can never really understand how I feel inside.
It is good learn about a good friend of yours. Yourself.
P.S. Do not seek sympathy from your friends. It is a cheeseless tunnel.
Your friends are there to call you out on your B.S. and to listen.
And when you drum on and on about your stitch. To say. Shut it.
Mind you I think it is interesting that at 39 you have no friends who separated.
Mind you I think it is interesting that at 39 you have no friends who separated.
Nope, I have a few friends who's parents separated but none who have gone through it themselves.
I sure hope so. The loneliness is killing me. Even when I am with people I feel alone because none of my friends have ever gone through anything like this so they can tell me how sorry they are and how much they sympathize with me, but they can never really understand how I feel inside.
Don't seek that sympathy from any "friends", I wouldn't relay any of this information. If you NEED to talk, talk to a cou counselor, a deacon or preacher.
I would not give this information to ANY friend or family member, while you are looking for a positive statement. It doesn't work.
The first day of the new job was not all I had expected it to be. Six hours of filling out paperwork was just fertile breeding ground for negative thoughts and self recrimination. I ended up feeling pretty down by the end of work and wishing that there were some way that things could be different. This roller coaster of emotions can be very exhausting is really making me crazy.
Yes it can be exhausting and can make you crazy. At the risk of being insensitive, what are you doing about it?
Praying, seeking therapy, and trying to GAL like crazy.
If you believe you are doing all that you can do, then reach back find your aplomb and ride it out. Prior military, right?
Observe, evaluate and adjust as needed. There is no perfect 100% plan. 70 is about the best we can do as no plan survives contact, and you are already engaged.
Video content is not allowed. It has been removed.
Well I guess that you should never ask how much worse things can get, because you will find out. It turns out that my wife went ahead and filed the papers for the 90 day waiver and either forged my signature or had someone else forge my signature on the papers. Plus my financial aide was declined for school so I need to file an appeal to get the money to pay for school.
file an appeal right away and I would also talk to a lawyer asap about the forged documents.
No more talking to ex-nascar
P.S. that is the other cost for her of you standing up for yourself.
She attacks with a smile while the dagger thrusts.
Now you know this.
A tough lesson to be taught. Remember it when she is sweet again on you. As you know she is just maneuvering
I already called my lawyer and I am waiting to hear back from him since he was in court. I am done with her and her crap. If she is willing to do this then there is nothing left of the woman that I fell in love with and married.
Actually, she filled this before she filed the motion that led to last Friday's confrontation. I only found out about it today because I decided to go down and check the records to see what documents she had filed.
I already called my lawyer and I am waiting to hear back from him since he was in court. I am done with her and her crap. If she is willing to do this then there is nothing left of the woman that I fell in love with and married.
This is what some of them end up doing. I was pointing it out and MrBond slapped my hand with the ruler, because he was saying not all cases are like this.
Nascar, she is "winning" in her mind. The closer you can close this deal and get to standard visitations, divorce court orders the more peace you will feel. I know right now, you just don't know where she is going to HIT you from.... I know the feeling.
Tell her that it's forged, you KNOW it's forged, and you have IRON-CLAD PROOF that it's forged, but that you "promised not to reveal your source." If she presses you, say "Look, I told him I wouldn't reveal his -- the -- name, and I'm not going to."
Let her think it's a male -- paranoia can work in your favor. There is sometimes power in them not knowing what you know, and what you don't know . . . you know?
And just for fun, you can even throw in a "it's amazing how quickly people will talk when they're deposed, under threat of perjury. Sure you want to take that chance? You'll be hearing from us." (and hang up)
I already told her that I knew it was forged because I was going over the court records. She denies that she forged it, but had nothing to say when I told her that she must have had someone else forge it for her. Then she had the inevitable emotional breakdown and told me that we would have to talk about it later because she can't deal with it right now, which is a bunch of nonsense.
Honestly I don't know what has happened to her. I just don't understand where this has come from. Certainly this is not the woman I fell in love with or married. The person that I knew, the kind, loving, honest, and spiritual person that I fell in love with, would never do anything like this. In fact this is exactly the kind of behavior that she claims I engaged in and broke up our marriage.
ahh but this is the woman you married.
I already told her that I knew it was forged because I was going over the court records. She denies that she forged it, but had nothing to say when I told her that she must have had someone else forge it for her. Then she had the inevitable emotional breakdown and told me that we would have to talk about it later because she can't deal with it right now . . .
And that's the point where you say "No need to -- I have everything now that I need to know. Truth has a way of coming out when a man is deposed, under oath and penalty of perjury. Thanks."
And you hang up.
Please protect yourself. She's lied twice now to the court and the proceedings have barely started. Expect much worse.
"In fact this is exactly the kind of behavior that she claims I engaged in and broke up our marriage."
Blameshifting. Happens all the time. My W told me she cheated because she thought that it was inevitable that I was going to cheat on her so she did it first. WHAT?!!!!
Yeah, I get that it is blame shifting, I just have a hard time wrapping my head around the whole situation. And I do plan on protecting myself in this matter. I have not heard back from my lawyer. However two years of law school have given me a good enough understanding of the basics to draft a statement to the court, so that is what I am in the process of doing.
Honestly I don't know what has happened to her. I just don't understand where this has come from. Certainly this is not the woman I fell in love with or married. The person that I knew, the kind, loving, honest, and spiritual person that I fell in love with, would never do anything like this. In fact this is exactly the kind of behavior that she claims I engaged in and broke up our marriage.
Your business partner over 20 years whom you went to college with sells out the company and steals all your profits with the transaction.
Do you really care what "happened" to him?
There is a reason why there is
vs. between your names on the divorce case.
Do not negotiate with someone who is suing you.
Fight for your rights.
You can handle it.
Papers are filed with the court. We will see what happens now.
Honestly I don't know what has happened to her. I just don't understand where this has come from. Certainly this is not the woman I fell in love with or married. The person that I knew, the kind, loving, honest, and spiritual person that I fell in love with, would never do anything like this. In fact this is exactly the kind of behavior that she claims I engaged in and broke up our marriage.
Your business partner over 20 years whom you went to college with sells out the company and steals all your profits with the transaction.
Do you really care what "happened" to him?
No, in that case I would not care what happened to him. However, at the risk of being blunt, a marriage is not the same thing as a business partnership and a spouse is not the same thing as a business partner. And while I while have no interest in getting back together with my wife after all of this I still care for her and want her to be able to find happiness in her life.
Honestly I don't know what has happened to her. I just don't understand where this has come from. Certainly this is not the woman I fell in love with or married. The person that I knew, the kind, loving, honest, and spiritual person that I fell in love with, would never do anything like this. In fact this is exactly the kind of behavior that she claims I engaged in and broke up our marriage.
Your business partner over 20 years whom you went to college with sells out the company and steals all your profits with the transaction.
Do you really care what "happened" to him?
No, in that case I would not care what happened to him. However, at the risk of being blunt, a marriage is not the same thing as a business partnership and a spouse is not the same thing as a business partner. And while I while have no interest in getting back together with my wife after all of this I still care for her and want her to be able to find happiness in her life.
That is naturally a compassionate feeling towards someone you loved dearly.
There is a place and time for that but not when you are beginning to sort out most important things in your life which the divorce brings along.
Protect your interests. Your future will NOT benefit from today's mistakes and missed opportunities.
Let me just say this: I could have done a few things differently and would perhaps had more cash in my pocket and completely ruined someone else's future. Or I could have spent both of our money and ended with nothing.
I chose to leave with dignity and honour BUT not letting anyone touch what was truthfully mine.
Today I am happily married and live a world away from my ex and we have a cordial and respectful relationship when I decide that it is accepted.
Choices you make today will be paramount for your future's foundation.
You can handle it.
First day of class. Hope things go well.
Well class was not as bad as I had imagined, but it was not great either. I guess law school has spoiled me because I had actually believed that we would actually accomplish something in class rather than just go around the room and introduce ourselves and read the syllabus.
Today was an interesting day. It was a hard day at work, but it made the day go by pretty quick. Then a short class tonight because we had the program's welcoming social tonight. I decided to go to it even though I don't usually go to such things. Oddly, despite there being plenty of open seats, the only single woman that I know of in the program decided to sit down next to me and strike up a conversation. It was actually quite a pleasant time and it was nice to talk to someone who just talked to me as a person and not as a person getting a divorce. Of course she is divorced and a single mother so that might have played a part of it.
After I left the W called me. She wanted to know if I was expecting the kids tomorrow. She said she wasn't sure because she hadn't heard from me. I told her that had figured that she was just bringing the kids every Thursday unless she told me otherwise. I am not sure what to make of her wanting me to call her and let her know if I was expecting the kids. Certainly if there was really a question she could have asked me when I called her on Sunday to tell her where and when my niece's birthday party is going to be on Saturday. (She had asked me to call her with the details.) Honestly I am not sure what to make of the whole thing.
Use some kind of Internet based calendar and ask her to communicate through that.
No phone calls are necessary unless it's an emergency.
Set boundaries.
She is testing you.
It has been a rough day today. I have been struggling with feelings of hopelessness and depression all day. Even though I recognize that I have a lot of positive things going on in my life right now, I still feel like I am struggling to just make it through each day. I struggle with simple things, like not making enough money to get a place of my own or to be able to buy a car so I can get around without having to ask to borrow my brother's car like a sixteen year old. I also continue to struggle with the fact that I have very few friends, and no time to go out and make any between work and school. Honestly I don't know why I am feeling this way because I have been doing pretty good emotionally for the last couple of days.
So tonight my parents, one of my brothers and his wife, and two of my nephews and one of my nieces came to town so W let me take the kids so that they could have dinner out with the family. After dinner D 5 asked if I was proud of her for eating all of her fries. I told her that I would have been proud of her even of she hadn't and then she asked if it was because she had tried shrimp. I said no, and then told the kids that I was very proud of all of them and that I loved them very much. Then D 5 said "Mommy says she only loves you a little bit daddy." Immediately S 11 tells her that they are not supposed to talk about that.
Honestly I am not sure what exactly to make of that bit of information. I had just gotten to where I could accept that she really didn't love me, or at least had convinced herself that she didn't and now along comes our daughter telling me that she has told the kids that she does love me, even if just a little bit. Seriously, what do I do with this?
Nascar....
A couple of observations....
"w let me take the kids" ......
This statement sound quite defeatist if you ask me. Yeah i am sure she dis let you....maybe a way to think about this..... "i had my kids yesterday for..... ". Can you see the difference?
Second point..... Your w and you share a bond. That bond isyour M and your children. The bond was the result of love.... so although your Whas filed for a D.... she (and you) still have love for each other. So take what your D said at face value....your W still does Love u "a little bit". That said, her feelings do not mean she wants to come back....it just may mean exactly what she said... she loves you just a little.
A lot of time we torment ourselves trying to read into every statement, every word. If she wanted to reconcile right now.....you'd know.
Peace
Eric
So it has been a couple of weeks now. Boy this week has been more than a little overwhelming to say the least. On Monday, W and I went to court on her motion to have the court temporarily take away my rights to see the kids. Before the hearing she kept glancing over at me like she wanted to come over and say something to me.
At the hearing the judge ruled partially in my favor. He ruled that I would continue to see the children until the next time that the parenting class is held. If I fail to attend that class then he will revisit the matter. He also ruled that there would be no acceleration of the divorce. After the hearing she told me that she needed to talk to me about something.
She told me that I was using up too many minutes on the shared cell plan and that I needed to cut back calling people or the bill was going to be a lot bigger this month. It seemed like she had more she wanted to talk about, but didn't at that time.
Later in the day she texted me and asked me when I was going to tell the kids that I had a girlfriend. I assured her that I did not have a girlfriend. I did have a woman that I had been talking to that maybe I would pursue a romantic relationship with but that I had no intention of doing so until after the divorce. She did not believe that and told me that she hoped I was happy and "she can have you." I asked her why she cared and why the idea of me dating someone else upset her since she had made it clear that she did not want me. She told me that she did not care, and she was just worried about the kids and the cell phone bill.
However, the next morning she texted me again and told me that she was sorry that she had not made me happy and that she wished that things had turned out differently between us. I told her that I was moving on with my life not because I had been unhappy being married to her but because she walked out on me. This led to a long conversation which resulted in her admitting that she has the urge to let me come home but fights it because she doesn't think things will be different.
After telling her that I did not think either of us were ready for me to come home because there were still a lot of things that needed to be resolved I asked her what she wanted from me. She told me that she wanted me to work on my relationship with the kids. I asked her what she wanted to do about us and she said to just work on the relationship with the kids and we would see what happens between us. Finally I asked her if she thought she would ever want me to come home she said that she did not know what she wants right now but to just keep doing what I have been doing and don't give up hope. We have had several other conversations about our relationship and the potential for reconciliation this week, all of them initiated by her.
Suddenly my life is in turmoil again. I had finally reached a point where I was ready to move on with my life, even after my daughter told me that "mommy says she only loves you a little bit." However suddenly I am faced with a scenario where reconciliation is possible and I feel all tied in knots emotionally again. It is what I want and suddenly I have hope that it is possible because she is the one bringing it up, but at the same time I am scared because I don't know if this is really how she feels or if she will end up changing her mind again. I want to believe this is real but I am also afraid that if I go down this road that I will end up getting my heart broken again.
Think about attending Retrouvaille together if you can. See
www.helpourmarriage.org.
Hi NASCARDaddy, not that I don't understand your feelings towards your W - but in my view you still have a way to go regarding detachment. Your thoughts circle around the question whether your W will come back or not, what she wants and what not. Stop it. Live your own life. Be proud of your work. Enjoy your kids in the little spare time you have. W and M are a thing of the past. Do you think a successful NASCAR driver wins by constantly watching the rear mirror? Look ahead, drive your own best course. If W wants to join you at some time in the future - fine. If not - it should be fine for your, too. Drive your own race. Good luck.
No a successful NASCAR driver doesn't constantly look in the rear view mirror, but he also doesn't ignore it. Nor does he become successful by not knowing what is going on around him on the track. He plans his race based on what is going on at any given time. That's why he has a spotter and a crew chief letting him know what the other drivers and teams are doing, where the wrecks are, and where the opportunities are.
Sure if you spend too much time wondering about what the driver behind you is going to do you could end up wrecked. However, if you ignore what the driver behind you is doing you could end up wrecked too, or even worse miss a helping hand to the front and the win.
Obviously you know much more about racing than I do :-) All the best for your course.
Well consider it an analogy instead of just racing jargon. Of course not everything is going to transfer well; for example when going through a divorce you don't have a crew chief or a spotter to help you out. If you are lucky you find a group like this one where you can talk and share ideas with other people who are or have been through what you are going through. However they don't have intimate knowledge of your entire circumstance so it is kind of like trying to give advice to a driver when all you have is what he tells you through the radio.
So how does a knowledge of racing help? Let's put it like this. I have my own things going on with school and work and everything. I have my own strategy that I am going to stick to, but based on what other people on the track are doing I may have to modify what my plan is. That doesn't mean that I let their pit strategy or their setup dictate the way I run my race but it does mean that I do pay attention to what the other drivers are doing.
So this is a question that I have been giving a lot of thought to for the past couple of days. How do you regain someone's trust if you aren't sure you ever had it to begin with?
Consistent actions repeated over time so they become part of your core.
Not saying.
Look at me... I have changed.... Look at me....
Well, today is Christmas but it certainly doesn't feel special. It is really the first time that I have realized and started toward accepting that my ex is not just testing me to see if I have really changed is is just looking for some sign that I am different before she takes me back. It is the first time that I have really realized that this is my life now.
Surprisingly, at least to me, I am actually okay with all of this. Sure, not everything in my life is exactly the way I would want it, but I am happy with what I have and where I am at. It's not where I want to be a year from now, but it is good for the time being.
Good to see you Nascar. Now that you are ok with everything. That is good. This is where you really can work on personal growth. As you are only judging yourself. It's a good time for becoming a better Man.
Well it wasn't an easy realization to accept but I believe that I may have been here for awhile. Just last Saturday I was having a conversation with a friend on this subject and was asked if I would want to get back together with my ex. I think I surprised both of us when I said that I wouldn't unless there were some major changes on her part. Then I explained that the person I am trying to be isn't compatible with the person my ex has chosen to be. Therapy and distance have helped me to see that while I was not entirely blameless for what happened, neither was my ex and while I have tried to accept responsibility for the things that I did and then some, make amends for my actions, and change those parts of myself the only thing she has decided that she needs to take responsibility for is not filing for divorce sooner. And so long as that is the case I just could not go back to her for fear of falling back into my own self defeating and destructive behavior patterns.