I'm not sure how to post a link to my last thread! Seeing how it got to 14 pages I figured I should start a new thread. PLus I think the new title is right on with everything that has occured within me recently.
Just to catch everyone up I'm pasting my last post from the old thread below............................................
(venting here so I can get it out of my system)
Huh, angry outburst #2 since sending him that email, after about 5 months of NO angry outbursts at all....?
As I mentioned earlier, I'm leaving H alone and just focusing on my life. Not going dark, just allowing interactions to occur on his time, when he is ready.
I was in class tonight from 6-10pm. After class I noticed I had a text from H asking for a huge favor at 7. At 7:30 I had a missed a call from him. I checked the voice mail to find him yelling in the phone. He wanted to know what was wrong with D3's leg....? It was 10:30pm and I was not going to be rude and wake him, so I just left it and drove to work.
Wow, I don't know what is up with him, but this is not how my friendships work. I know that whatever was "wrong" with our daughter's leg is not what the real problem was. It is seriously NOT ok for him to dump on me when he is upset. His issues are his issues. And I certainly hope he is not thinking that my life is on stand by just waiting for the moment when he will need me for a favor. I have a life too, and he needs to learn to respect that.
Yes, I opened up to him in a major way, and I meant every word that I said. But it doesnt mean that I'm sitting here revolving my world around him, and that I will join him on his crazy roller coaster ride of emotions. I get off at 7 in the morning. After I wake up from sleeping I'll send him a text asking him what he needed.
Do all spouses do this? Expecting us to not have a life and run to their side the moment they give us the slightest bit of attention?
I am really irritated with his behavior. Not judging, not going to lash out or not hold myself accountable for MY behavior, I'm just irritated...
LIGHTBULB!!!!
I was just reading on someone else's sitch and realised that I am a TOTAL fixer!
This past Fri, when H briefly visited me at my desk, he complained about his babysitter. I use to use her as well, but as she was always angry and unreliable, I replaced her. H was complaining about her to me. Instead of validating and then getting out of the way, I tried to fix it and gave him the # to my sitter.
I also recall H talking about an upcoming surgery and complaining that he will have to "deal with it alone". I did not comment. He was living in the basement and at the time, involved with his high school girlfriend that was living in another state. I changed the ice in his machine, made him meals, did everything I could as a friend. I did not remind him of everything that I did last year. Just (mind reading, I know) figured that his "victim" mentality focused on the other areas of his recovery.
Wow, looking back I really see how I always held everything together for him, regardless of the way he treated me. I can see how the resulting resentment contributed to the building of my WAW mode. And yet here I am today, still picking up the pieces for him. Honestly I do it bc it hurts me to think that he would struggle with something. I need to stop beinging the rescuer. It isn't helping him at all.
There is a difference between having compassion for the pain that I caused him while in WAW mode and tollerating/enabeling/fixing. I need to be aware of my tendancy to fix his issues as it enables him to play the victim. I also need to make sure that my not-fixing behavior is not fueled by anger or any other negative emotion.
Hmmmm, new territory for me. Do any of the vets have any words of wisdom on this subject?
Good realization.
However Honestly I do it bc it hurts me to think that he would struggle with something.you need to look closely at this.
It's not about him, it's about YOU struggling with something.
What's that about?
There is a popular book out there about overcoming codependency, check it out if you haven't already.
Also google rescuer/victim triangle.
Reading about these things helped me a lot.
it's good that you are detaching enough to identify problem patterns in your life.
Labug,
It's about my unhealthy Co dependent nature. I think that I could have a belief that if I give enough that in return I will receive something?? Idk. I know that assuming responsibility for anothers struggles is not healthy for me nor the other person. At least I think that's what is going on here?
I'm not so clear on this one yet as I am just becoming aware of this.
Thank you Vera! I am reading Co dependent no more. If you don't mind my asking, what clarity did you gain?
I am aware enough to see this pattern in my past behavior, I'm just not sure if I'm aware of it in the moment. I find that my own it and fix it nature chimes add naturally as breathing. I feel guilty and uncomfortable in the moment where I should stand up for myself and say no.
Although it happened MANY times with h, I know that only I can be held accountable for this behavior. I really want to understand this and overcome it do that I can have healthier r with everyone in my future, not just h.
Excuse my phones auto correct
When I got off of work this morning I sent h a text asking if d3s leg was ok. I was going to wait, but why? This is my child, and I really did want to know if she was ok.
H reply was what took you so long to ask that? And nothing more. I told him that I did not want to be rude and call late at night when class was over, but that I was concerned about her. No reply. Well at least I know she is ok, if she want he would have contacted me.
Strange that he is acting so differently since I opened up to him. Never mind Mr grumpy
I would have called to find out about D's leg. he may have been overdramatic but anything could have happened.
Labug,
It's about my unhealthy Co dependent nature. I think that I could have a belief that if I give enough that in return I will receive something?? Idk. I know that assuming responsibility for anothers struggles is not healthy for me nor the other person. At least I think that's what is going on here?
I'm not so clear on this one yet as I am just becoming aware of this.
That's a good start. The more you detach from other people, the easier it gets. Controlling/fixing was like breathing for me, no effort, it just happened.
Work on detaching and believing that others have a right to their lives, their decisions, their mistakes, their successes. If you haven't already seen in livestrong has a great list of detachment reminders.
Wow, it sounds like you have made some great progress in this area! I'm really happy for you and can only imagine how good it must feel to let that go.
I'll be sure to check out the website, thank you for the recommendation.
Not sure what spawned this, I just feel like opening up; I feel safe opening up here.
My heart longs to be loved. Not because I need it, or feel incomplete without it. I think it is human nature to want to be loved. I believe that I am a great woman, that I have so much to offer. I know there are men out there who value the same things I do.
I know it exists, not just in the movies. A man that looks at me and is so grateful that I'm a part of his life. A man that holds me and breathes me in, and his heart just races. A man that supports me and is proud of me, is honored to have me by his side. A man that cares for me and loves me back to health when I am sick. A man whose favorite place is on the couch, with me in his arms. A man who doesn’t mind leaving home because he is so happy to come back to it, and me, at the end of the day. A man that wipes away my tears and kisses me when I am sad. A man that doesn’t get restless with daily life, because he knows the little things are what mean the most. A man that makes love to me and holds me in his arms as I fall asleep afterwards. A man that believes in maintaining his own relationship, whose grass is always greener than any other side, because he does not allow it to die or become overtaken by weeds. A man who looks forward to the changing of the seasons and the new memories that will be created.
I know it exists. I know I'm ready for it. I know I deserve it.
I believe we all want that...I know I do. I miss having that special someone that can't wait to see me, hold me, and tell me how much he missed me. Even if he just stepped out to go to the store.
I still believe in the fairy tale, and that my happily ever after is coming.
yes stronger - this place is a mazing. it allows us to open up in a way we would never dare to in our real world.
i only just realized the other day that oh my gosh, i have written things here that possibly hundreds of people have read. Yikes. and then i laughed, because efor the first time in my life i don't feel threatened by anyone knowing my deepest thoughts and secrets. i don't feel the need to hide who i am any longer.
what you wrote - it touched me. and i thought while i was reading it - stronger is defining what she wants in her next relationship no matter who it is with.
that's a good step. i think when we redefine clearly what we want, then we start to see how we don't have it with our was's and what that could possibly mean for us.
new perspectives, eh?
yup, new perspective. A lot of acceptance and forgivness.
Like you said, this place almost feels like a "daer diary...", but with people that get you and feel the same way.
I really think I am defining what I truly desire, and it makes everything completly ok. It makes the term "letting go of good to make room for great" really come to life. I don't want to know who will take the place of the man I am dreaming of, but THAT man is the one I want to be with.
I'm really excited to hear about what happend with Jody and everything! Gonna hop on over to your thread.
<3
Did something new today!
Got home from work at 8 am and did not get out of bed 'till 9pm! I litteraly slept all day! Not one to be a bum, but man it felt great to pamper myself. Next week my girls will be back, and I'll be back to my living off of 4 hrs of sleep lifestyle. Oh I so needed today
Did another something new today! I woke up and though, I feel adventurous, alive...I'm ready for something new....
So I'm at the salon getting highlights, lowlights, and a new haircut! Feels good to pamper myself. In a few Weeks I think I'll do some shopping and update my wardrobe for the fall.
Ahhhh! Can't wait to see how my hair turns out
how did it turn out???
i bet it's great and you feel gorgeous!!
so glad you got a great deal of sleep. i think half the time we are so messed up is because we are so sleep deprived with the emotional tension
sweet girl - hope you're having a lovely day.
off to watch those hot young bods at the olympics - well the chicks too - not bad on the eyes at all
funny how i always want to get all athletic every 4 yrs
(((((( ))))))
zig
ps. let's have a toast to your lovely self pampering day and the highlights too
Cheers Zig!
Love my hair, thank you. Crazy how something so simple can make you feel like a new person.
(journaling)
I was thinking about the recent timeline of events in my stich, it's pretty confusing! I most certainly really have let go, it's just kinda crazy how things change so much...
June 1- H opens up, is unhapppy, doesnt want to "accept this" yet can't commit
June 1- goes out of town with OW after "opening up"
June 2- I call H on his crap and tell him I'm filing for D
June 3- H files for D (lol)
June 5- I get served
mid June- OW is gone for good
late June- H begins making contact with me about little things, just to talk
July 2- Initial status confrence at courthouse for D
July 5- H opens up about us again, says he wishes he tried harder
July 7- I ask H if he meant what he said about us, he replies "idk", can't commit (again)
July 8- H opens up again, recognising his pattern of feeling and retreating, I tell him no more, H is obsessed all night with us and is full of regret, yet unable to commit
July 9- H is at my house when I get off work, we make love, he leaves
mid July- I open up and send H "the email"
no contact since except for his random moments of dumping on me
________________________________________________________________
Not coming to conclusions but the only thing I know is that me opening up to him, being loving, pushes him away. It's almost as if the ball is in his court and he doesn't know what to do with it, so he ignors it.
However, when he feels that I'm truly gone, he opens up just enough to see if I'm still here, waiting. He doesn't commit, just kind of feels out where I'm at and then retreats again.
My mind reading (I know, don't do it) could be way off, but the pattern still exists.
All I know is that I opened up, I was honest, I owned my crap. I'm not judgmental or pushy, and I've been a friend. I love this person so much. So much that I don't mind getting out of his way so that he can continue on his path of discovery. I actualy WANT him to go down that path. Not for us, but for him.
The inner peace and happiness that I feel is amazing, and is a result of my path. I want everyone to feel that way. I hold no grudges or anger agianst H.
I also know that we are completly diff playing fields right now. As much as I love him, RIGHT NOW he is not someone that I find myself attracted to. This whole D thing, which is about to be closed due to a lack of forward motion, does not scare me at all. I would gladly choose this route over being with a man that is unable to meet my R needs any day. And hunny, right now, he ain't cuttin' it.
My life is freakin' awesome! I was once running myself into the ground trying to please H without anything in return. I was emotionaly and mentaly starved. Now, I can do whatever the heck I want! I only do the things that bring me joy. If I want the laundry to sit in the basket overnight, or eat pancakes for dinner or be a bum and watch movies with my girls all night-so be it! If I need extra sleep, a long hot bath or ice cream for breakfast-I do it! I am stress free and so happy. The only interactions I have with people are loving ones bc I have learned it's ok to ask that from life.
My life is meant to be joyous dangit, and that's how it's gonna be. I am not a victim of anything. I am strong, compassionate, fun and adventerous. This situation does not define or alter me in any way. It is a blessing that life has given me: a lesson in unconditionial love, stregnth and forgivness. Oh, and just how strong I am
As much as this has hurt me, it is the best thing that could have ever happened to me, and I am grateful for it.
I almost hesitate to write this, as it is solution oriented, and being solution oriented would hint that I have expectations or hope, which I don't.
HOWEVER... I spent some time reflecting on the past years of my M in terms of what works and what doesn't-the basic blocks of DB. Me, being the co-dependant, fixer type, always wanted to be the hero. Well, being the hero doesnt work here. Neither does being the fixer or the all accomidating friend.
What has worked in the past in terms of our R is me doing absolutly nothing. Which is awesome, bc that's what I have been doing (ok, minus the sex and the email, you got me there, but no more). So now I'm REALLY at a place where I don't feel the slightest bit guilty about turning the focus completly on me vs him or us.
This time last year his ow #1 and her 4 yr old daughter were living in my basement, with H. I'll be damned if I spend another winter participating in this R while its on life support. This isn't coming from anger guys, it's coming from acceptance of what does not work, what is unhealthy for me and love/respect for myself.
This woman is a walker. If he really wants me he better catch up.
wow!! wow!! wow!!
stronger - you are my kind of lady - i am pinning this one up on my wall - your last 2 posts - i don't even know what to write here - need to read them a few more times to digest it all
this blanket is making us into some tough chicks and I LOVE IT!!!!!
that distanced/pursuer dynamic - i know, i know - same thing here. and i'm plumb sick of it! don't' want that mouse game anymore, can't bloody stand it!
R on life support
what a great way to put it!!
i got to go take a break and come back and read this agin - don't know why but it blood spoke to me!!
Journaling-
Heard a song this morning that took me back to the good ol days, and sadness crept in. I allowed myself to lean in to it, feel it and understand it.
I believe that it was the loss of a dream, of something treasured. I took out a pic of h and I and really looked at it.
I'm not sure where that happy full of life man went, or that great r. What I do know is that while I treasure those memories, that aspect of our lives is dead. I closed my eyes and sent him love; more tears followed.
I put the picture away and wiped my eyes. I know that I will feel that love again some day. As in love with him that I still am, I don't even know if I could trust him with my heart again. The man that my heart holds onto faded away years ago. He's not that man anymore.
I am so proud of my ability to let emotions wash over me, where not too long ago I was drowning in them. Maybe I needed that cry, just to let things go. I'm also proud of my gained emotional stability and the ability to gently move back into a state of peace.
This is so good. Own your emotions, don't let them own you.
That was a beautiful post, as I read I smiled and got tears in my eyes. Beautiful way to express, I struggle with all of my emotions and the fear of sitting with them. This is something I need to work on, thanks for sharing, it is a great idea and I just might copy it to give myself that little push.
Wow stronger, that post brought tears to my eyes as well. What a beautiful moment you had, despite the bittersweetness of it all.
I think I am starting to understand much more the idea of owning our emotions instead of them owning us. And I see it so much in your post.
(((())))
I don't even know if I could trust him with my heart again. The man that my heart holds onto faded away years ago. He's not that man anymore right now.
That is how you feel, right now... just as you feel that love and saddness that washed over you, right now...
That... is being... in the moment...
Good for you...
And the stuff about the future...?
Let it go...
The future will be what ever it is...
Just be... now...
Yes kd, good reminder. Just as I am capable of growth and change, so is he.
Acceptance, love and forgiveness really are beautiful gifts, aren't they?
Thank you friend
Just bringing this here for my answer. I know you were having a bit of fun. It is a reality for people, especially with young kids...
So as you can see I live off of 3-4 hours of sleep a day during my week with them, which is cool, bc it's only for a week at a time. However, H is going out of state during his week, so I get my babies for 3 weeks in a row starting today (my week, his week, my week).
I'm really excited about our time together, yet anxious over sleep deprivation. Ahhh!
While not real healthy, just understand that this is a temporary sitch / time in your life.
It may drag you down and bag you, but people are able to do this for periods of time and survive... mostly...
Just keep yourself as healthy as possible, otherwise...
And a case of energy drinks can help...
You will survive... mostly intact...
Thank goodness for 5 hr energy drinks!!
Thank goodness for 5 hr energy drinks!!
Of course, I've never tried the shots... they look so small... and pointless...
Oh they work alright.
Ugh, need to vent do I can let this go...
a while back I made the decision to not put the girls in their older clothes. When switching them off with their dad. He has been keeping all of their nice clothes and is depleting what they have here. It cost me a lot of $ to buy them their clothes. He has kept all of their new shoes, sending them back in raggedy things. This switch he also neglected to send their sippy cupps, or diapers for d3 for the day.
I have not mentioned any of this to him, I simply send his personal stash of clothes/shoes back with them in the diaper bag, hoping he would mirror my example. I'm going to have to come out of pocket to replace everything he has kept.
Totaly glad I vented here and not to h! Funny how 24 hours really helps.
I had a great first day with my girls. Their pizza and sitter showed up in perfect timing do that I could grab a pulled pork sandwich (yummm!) on my way to class.
My presentation last night went so well. My professor writes speeches for Collin Powell and has even spoken at the white house, and he could not say enough positives about me. I was beyond humbled and surprised. A long 4 hours later I went home to my sweet babies.
My 2 yr old ended up in my bed, which was nice BC let's admit it, anytime we get to cuddle with a warm body it's considered a treat! I'm off to enjoy cartoons before making some breakfast.
I hope everyone enjoys their day!
Kind of confused about an interaction with H today. It's been 1 month since we ml and about 2 weeks since "the email", one week since he started being mean and disrespectful towards me.
I have made the decision NOT to speak to him on the phone, as he yells, curses and hangs up on me. He is silent all week and then will send a random text related to our children. The following took place today...
H-why don't you answer the phone
me-sry, busy
H-I won't say anything stupid just cuz ur around ur boyfriend
H-can you call me as soon as you can please
me-um no, Sophie spilled her milk all over the floor
H-lol omg i think she does that on pourpose
me-no I'm training her on a big girl cup
me-I'd rather you text vs you calling
H-why
me-it's just better this way, I don't have to deal with you being rude or hanging up on me
H-well I don't want to do that. I think it is a lot easier if we can just talk like adults
me-I agree, I just wish it were possible
H-it can be
me-I really tried, but I have my limits
H-well I really hope you change your mind cuz I need to talk to you about the babysitter ok. Have a good night at work
me-if you change the sitters all I need is the phone number so that I can call to gt the address and see how much I owe for the day
H-damn lol just talk to me
me-I'm not trying to be rude, this really is the extent of contact that I would prefer to have for now on
H-ok I can respect that, I'm sry I was disrespectful in the past
OK, seriously, what's up with the boyfriend comment? And why did he want me to talk to him so badly? There obviously wasnt anything to discuss bc he didnt continue with anything related to the girls or a babysitter.
Yes, I really do have to avoid phone conversations with him, and texting really IS the extent of contact I wish to have with him RIGHT NOW, as the person he is RIGHT NOW is not someone that I want to interact with. I'm not restricting him, just his recent treatment towards me. Should he choose to act in a more mature, respectful way then things will change.
What's tripping me up is the crazy unfounded boyfriend comment, and the fact that he wished me a good night at work (when he never even speaks to me). The whole statement that they are attracted to our backs is true, but crap.
Thank goodness I value my own life enough NOT to revolve around his random conversations, just wondering what KD
or anyone else would read in between the lines here...
One last thing, his line "it can be" really stands out. That's not part of his normal speech.
About a month ago H opened up about wanting us to be back together. 2 days later I asked him if he still felt that way, and he wasn't sure anymore. He asked something along the lines of our ability to have a great M again and I replied
"it can be"
Not mind reading and sure as hell am not basing my sense of well being on it, just curious
anyway, back to life
"what's up with the boyfriend comment? And why did he want me to talk to him so badly?"
This is his insecurity talking. Usually those with OP will assume their LBS will be cheating on them. This lessens their own guilt and gives them someone else to blame.
" "it can be" "
Two different contexts. When you said it, you meant in reference that if the two of you worked at it, your M can be great.
In his context, he's putting the emphasis on just YOUR efforts based on the context of his text. He didn't apologize for his actions until the very end. So he's in a sense saying "it can be, if you weren't such a b@tch." I can kind of see what he was implying there.
So actually, you're in a good position. He's starting to think you're ripe for the taking. Any way you could enflame that? You want him to WANT you.
Oh Mr bond you made me laugh with the bit¢h comment. I do see your point though. As for the op, the ow had been gone for
about a month..?
Hmmm how to make him want me...well it certainly isn't by being honest and avalible, that has always caused him to distance. By being distant and busy, possibly being in the company of someone else?
The funny thing is next week I'm seeing a movie with a guy friend. He really is a friend, nothing more. H doesn't know him though. I know he stalks my fb, I could possibly upload a pic? Idk. I'm assuming the make mentality wants what he has to work for...
Pretty much what bond said.
STE, my W made a lot of efforts to talk in person with me or over the phone. There are a number of reasons that did not work for me, such as my own attachment and how convo would "go south" and also my W would say things in one convo and then different in another and I really thought I was going crazy.
Anyhow, I chose email only and that kept me both detached and also kept a record of what was said, so when my W would change her mind, I had evidence (strictly for my own peace of mind) of the contradictory information. And it also helped me to learn how to deflate my own emotional attachment and learn how to stay on focus with my W if things went in a bad direction.
And as I said, I agree with Bond, my W also at one point accused me of having an A. The whole convo shows the dynamic of the roller coaster or pursuit / distance. Good that you are choosing OFF the roller coaster.
Bond's last paragraph is spot on, IMHO. And further to that, only be "dim" as long as you need to, for you. Once you are stable, DO engage him in other forms of comm. The more access he has to you, the more he sees your changes and the good of you... well, the it may have positive results...
Just understand that while he is pursuing, he may get uncomfortable in his desire for you and spew again. It's likely his way of trying to protect himself... he has his reasons to spew and they are NOT about you... If he's spewing... he's likely struggling internally...
[quote=strongerthanever]
The funny thing is next week I'm seeing a movie with a guy friend. He really is a friend, nothing more. H doesn't know him though. I know he stalks my fb, I could possibly upload a pic? Idk. I'm assuming the make mentality wants what he has to work for.../quote]
Mystery, not jealousy is what you might focus on. You don't need to upload a pick. Just, if the topic of your where abouts on that day come up, just say, "at the movies" and leave the convo. If he snoops on you and finds out, you might expect spew... or you might get more pursuit...
Do, observe, adjust... it's the DB way...
Gonna mystery it up
As if I haven't been already, hehe. And don't worry, I'm still coated in anti-spew. That stuff just isn't attractive.
Thanks for the insight
PS, you know what else is cool? Not worrying if my detachment, happiness and demand for respect as a person pisses him off! His dark cloud is not my problem!
Ha! If he stalks you on FB, then you have the perfect vehicle. Take a few pictures of you and a few friends looking smokin' hot and having fun. If you just so happen to be grinding against another guy...oh well.
Mr Bond you are too much
I was thinking earlier about the concept of being dim earlier and how it had nothing to do with my personal life. In contrast going dim on him has helped me detach do much that my life is BRIGHT! And that I shouldn't feel bad if sinew of my rays happen to land in his view.
IOW, nothing wrong with him seeing how happy I am in this new improved life, with or without him.
Didn't expect another interaction so soon, but that's exactly what happened tonight...
H- hey can I take the girls to Cali with me
me- what you do on your time is your business
H- well I wanted to see if I could get them a lil early
me- No
H- Why do you have to be like that I understand its your week but I have not done anything wrong to you. Its not all the time I go home and I would really like for my family to see them
me- no one is stopping you from taking the girls to see their family. It just wont happen on my time
H- Im only asking for a few extra days that is all
me- stop asking and plan better
H- wow your something else Jamie. I awlays try and work with you and you cant even do this once. I hope you can think about it a lil bit more but thanks anyways
me- Not my responsibility to fix your problems. Leave me alone.
H- ok that's fine
H- what time can I get the girls on monday if you don't mind me asking
I didn't respond. He KNOWS I drop them off at daycare on Mondays at 8. And "I always try to work with you and you can't even do this once"? Um no you don't, stop trying to guilt trip me, you aren't manipulating me anymore.
There have been some dynamic shifts in the past month that really make me want to pause and reflect.
I release the desire to see him change. I can not control him, nor do I wish to. I do not regret opening up to H, as having a compassionate heart is a rewarding way to live, I have found. This sitch has allowed me to work on some very selfish views that I had. My growth is for me only, not in hopes of creating a chain reaction in my M.
I have changed so much that the rollar coaster ride is just not attractive at all anymore. Not at all. I don't "stay dark" in attempts to make him miss me, I avoid unhealthy interactions. Right now, H is full of unhealthy interactions.
His issues are just that-his. I'm not judging him for his "junk" that he is working through or where he is on his path. I have simply felt the need to leave him alone on his path as it is destructive for my well being.
There is a crack in the door for reconciliation, but it would come on the heels of his reflection and growth-not any sooner.
DB has allowed me to focus on my own actions, find compassion and save my sanity. Whether or not the M will be saved is unknown, but most importantly I am a better person because of it.
honestly, bte, i hope to be in your mindframe soon. i still feel like i want h to change, but you're right. it's selfish thinking. i want him to change for me, not for him. if he's honestly happier being the way he is now, then it would be selfish of me to want anything else.
still is difficult to get that through my head, though.
Craziness. This is the third day in a row H has contacted me..
Now he wants permission to pick up the girls from my house Monday morning vs me driving them to daycare and him picking them up there.
I said yes and came up for a reason that it would benefit me. The truth is I'm curious to see how he is going to act. Then again, it could be nothing and he could have his own unknown reasons that this arrangement would work out for him. expectations are set to 0. In fact I'm already thinking of what to do once he leaves as his visit will not be the main event of the day.
He later sent me a text asking for a pic if the girls. he never does this, but I didn't respond.
I did good. H came to pick up our daughters this morning. I was strategic in that the front door was unlocked and both girls were sleep in my bed. I woke up to him in the room, looking at us in the bed together, a scene he would not want to walk away from.
Hook line and sinker. I could tell he wanted to crawl in with us. He kept looking at me in my pjs commenting on how good I looked. He kept grabbing and flirting with me. I stayed "sleepy" and focused on the girls.
He came up with excuses to stay...wanting a drink, needing to use the bathroom...looking at me and just starting.
The girls didn't want to go at all. I could see his sadness. And then something weird, he stutterer. Not like a mix up of words, I mean like a brain injury stutter. I was giving the girls kisses and he just couldn't get his words out.
He developed this back in March, after I walked in on him and ow. It lasted a month, and then went away. His doc said it was a psychological block from stress. Interesting that in that moment this morning it came back.
All in all I did good. Now to get use to being without my girls for the week
Oh man today jacked me up. I was doing sooooo good with acceptance and just being happy and in the moment.
Seeing H this morning brought to life so many emotions. Love, for the man I still believe in, anger towards the way I allowed myself to be treated, sadness for all the times he became my enemy when I needed my best friend.
I don't know what these mean as I'm too "in the moment" to have a different perspective. Lord you would think after 8 months of living apart these emotions would have been replaced by now.
I don't know what anything means, it's just crazy how affected I am from a simple 15 min interaction. What I do know is I need to step back. These emotions need to be addressed, but ate telling me something here. these aren't healthy emotions to be hanging onto. I want my happiness back!
Jamie has some more detaching and sitting still to do, I do believe.
Ah decisions....
If I don't hand in any documents to the court by Friday then the case will be dropped and closed. They need our parenting plan financial statement...stuff like that. H filled, but had not done anything more. We had our initial status conference July 2, said we had 45 days to get things started or it would be closed.
Rock and a hard place.
I can see myself not doing anything and be fine moving forward in "limbo" status. But honestly on the other hand I'm ready to move forward, with or without him. A big part of me screams that I deserve so much more than limbo status. I can honestly say that I would not have any regrets should my divorce go through. I have lived on my own for 8 months, have truly grown as a person, tried to reach out and heal the R...no regrets. I know H growth is not on my same time line, I totally get that. But I can't live my life waiting for a circumstance to happen that I have no control of.
There's one fact that can't be debated-my daughters future stability is questionable. H is already homeless, he will be out of the military in 2 months. I will at least need a court order mandating he pay child support, and at least full temp custody for me until he has stability. But I can't get these if the case is closed.
I'm thinking I could file some, not all of the paperwork, just to keep it open, then file for temp orders. Ugh, so glad I have Zumba tonight.
Ah decisions....
If I don't hand in any documents to the court by Friday then the case will be dropped and closed. They need our parenting plan financial statement...stuff like that. H filled, but had not done anything more. We had our initial status conference July 2, said we had 45 days to get things started or it would be closed.
Rock and a hard place.
I can see myself not doing anything and be fine moving forward in "limbo" status. But honestly on the other hand I'm ready to move forward, with or without him. A big part of me screams that I deserve so much more than limbo status. I can honestly say that I would not have any regrets should my divorce go through. I have lived on my own for 8 months, have truly grown as a person, tried to reach out and heal the R...no regrets. I know H growth is not on my same time line, I totally get that. But I can't live my life waiting for a circumstance to happen that I have no control of.
There's one fact that can't be debated-my daughters future stability is questionable. H is already homeless, he will be out of the military in 2 months. I will at least need a court order mandating he pay child support, and at least full temp custody for me until he has stability. But I can't get these if the case is closed.
I'm thinking I could file some, not all of the paperwork, just to keep it open, then file for temp orders. Ugh, so glad I have Zumba tonight.
Wow Strongerthenever,
I love your desription of what it means to be loved by a man who is willing to love. I printed it out to keep that as an inspiration to find a new love once I get over this one and get myself fixed up!
Terri
Zumba was like woman therapy, seriously.
We were dancing to that song "stronger" and were all shouting along with the "I'm better than that" part. I was surrounded by women who were overcoming something...some weight, but for me it was fear and this sitch.
As I raised my voice and sang along I felt my power. Each time we yelled "I'm better than that" I felt as if I were singing for all of us. I was having a blast but choking back tears at the same time.
So crazy how life unfolds, ESP those unexpected moments where we feel life surrounding us wrapping us in love and support.
Zumba therapy, I think we should start marketing it! Music can really be empowering. I had a special playlist on my iPod that makes me feels strong and powerful. You sound great, stronger!
hi stronger
that zumba thing you went to sounds great. i think i'll see if there's something like that around here. was it a one time deal or do you get to go every week?
did you make a decision on what you were going to do with the paperwork by tomorrow? don't mean to reming you if you're trying to forget it, but i just wondered>
i'm puzzling a bit over my own sitch also - do i go in sort of unprepared - i haven't found a lawyer yet or even called the mediator, let alone found out a couple of things i need to know for myself. i guess i don't want to deal with it, but then at the same time realizing that i need to - old pattern i need to do a 180 on. i have been really busy this week - but i suppose i could have made time. maybe i'm sub-consciously putting it off so it gets more delayed..
i'm glad that on the whole you are sounding strong - how are things going now?
hope you've still got the zumba beat going - maybe you can get us all going on the blanket tonight
zig
Hi girls, thanks for checking in on me.
I Zumba twice a week every other week when I don't have my girls. I didn't file the paperwork, I started it, but needed info from h. Honestly doing it made me feel awful, and it felt much better to say the hell with it and just shred everything. So that's what I did.
I have been "off" the past few days, in an emotional funk. Fall keeps poking it's head all over the place here in Colorado, a special time for our family. I have had much more difficulty stopping my thoughts lately. I miss my stronger place, but I'm only human...
Last week I was nasty with h. Once I realized that I was ok with everything, I became aware that I had not been real around him, that I always kissed his butt. he began contracting out of no where like crazy, and I just went off! Lol.
I was so sick of his pursuit and distance that I pushed against his pursuit. Even after asking myself if it was helping me achieve my goal, I said to hell with my goal, what about my sanity??? I was really pissed.
Ahhh, none the less, the clear minded me knows that anger is never the answer so I let him come over and had a positive interaction. Stupid maturity and responsibility for ones actions...you think responsibility will ever become a dying trend? Just kidding
So now the bigger me is aware of my inconstancy, and that regardless, consistent, "higher minded" actions are needed. I not need be afraid of him being around, he only has the affect on me that I allow him to have.
Forgive my absence on your threads, I've just been "off" a little. Sending you lots of love and a big group hug.
How to drop the expectation, and move forward while maintaining hope...? Almost seems impossible. Picking ourselves up after our sacred dream has been shattered, and focusing on improving ourselves when we are still trying to figure out how to stand.
Fear, excitement, love, loss-they wash over us during that moment where we finally get to savor that one on one encounter...then they are gone again, fading into the distance. Those emotions are brought back to life, tugging st the strings of our hearts, clouding our windshields and the direction we were headed in.
Why, WAS, why? Did you sense my peace, my Serenity? The mud had settled, my rivers are calm. Did you have to go splashing in them.
Breathe. Cry. Let it all out, let go. Hold on to yourself. Top tie back to that happy place. And then you find yourself wondering all over again how to let go of the expectation while maintaining hope.
That is the heart of why we are here, hope, right? Perhaps I forgot to check my sanity at the door.
ah stronger - you getting all poetic on us - sad smile here.
i'm in the same place - i think it's the universal vibe - time to just settle into where we are.
had a very strange feeling day myself - and could barely put the finger on what i was even feeling - still not quite sure, but i self-indulged and let myself sob - it only lasted a couple of mins - felt like it was going to last for hours, and then fell fast asleep. i swear i didn't know what i was crying for - maybe just for th epain to end...
so yes, group hug and maybe we should all gather on the blanket and be quietly together. my emotions are very quiet today - not the usual loud ones
i'm going to focus on one of my little goals tonight, to just get me through. after s and i have showers, i've suggested playing a game until we go to bed - anything to take the focus off, right
what have you planned tonight?
i'm sorry you've been in a funk - are you better now? i do hope so
{{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}}
zig
I'm better now. Evening activities = work. Blah! I've worked myself into exhautsion. I've decided to skip out on class Mon night and relax with my girls.
What's up with this funk????
It would seem so much easier if they just dissapeared-moved out of state, divorced and started some crazy new life. Then we could grieve and move on ourselves.
But then that would be saying that our happiness is dependant upon their actions-which I know is not true or healthy. But still, you know what I mean. I guess closure is what I'm seeking here, a means to an end so that the healing and regrowth can begin.
Regrowth is evident within all of us, but the buds are so young, so fresh. And it's like the WAS just stomps on them with their random appearances. Can't we put a white picket fence around them for safe keeping-or is that just a pretty version of a wall.
I think it takes some SERIOUS detachment to not care if the fence is there or not, or to not even need a fence to begin with. I waffle in my mind lately between stay the hell away and I'm happy enough that I can be friends AND be ok.
I'm not 100% sure that either decision is right, as I wonder-if I push him away and focus on me, aren't I just hurting the future possibility of us OR if I allow cordial visits, won't it just stall my happiness and forward movement (his visits leave me all jacked up)? Stupid woman emotions messing with my decision making.
1 yr of brokeness + 8 months of separation and this is where I am. What the heck?!
I'm bringing a warm blanket for all of us tonight to curl up with. I think quiet time on the blanket is in order.
Terr39,
I just noticed your post, I'm so sry I didn't respond. Let's hope we all find that kind of love
Stronger than ever, I just read your post on how you want to be loved. Itbrought tears. That is exactly what I wanted from my now exwife. I think its what we all want and need. I hope we all find it, either with our WAS or someone else. I have been divorced for nearly two months. It has been tough. I wouldr
I would rather lost her to death than this. At least there is an end. In divorce I see no end. Very painful. I hope everyone out there continues to work hard and is successful in their DBing. You dont want to.be where I.am.
Hey STE, I think the ingredient that we don't hear much about is time. It all takes time and we want it NOW!
Keep moving forward and in 4 months you'll be in a different place and in 4 months after that, yet again a different place.
Keep working on you, keep moving forward.
You can do this.
ah labug,
So true, thank you. 4 months ago I wasn't eating, was down 15 pounds and was consumed in db no no behaviors. 4 months, agh, seems so long! Feels like the equivalant of saying "just hold your breath for 4 min"-even though I know it's not the same.
Plus life will continue, and 4 months will come and pass with me counting the days or not, so I better make them count! Ugh, that sounds so "therapist", lol.
But seriously, thank you
ndfarmer,
I am sorry that you find yourself in this particular place on your path. Even though it does not feel like it, I must say that I hope this is all part of the "let go of good to make room for great" process for you.
I find it interesting that you compare losing your wife to D -v- death, as I would prefer having to deal with the D -v- the stuckness of where we are right now.
Of course, this is all saying that someone/thing outside of ourselves has the power to dominate the way we are feeling. That doesn't take away from the loss that you are mourning at all. Your D is fresh, and mourning the loss of a dream is all a part of the process.
You know you are the 2 or 3 person to comment on that post-honestly I was embarassed after I posted it, it felt very personal and open. But hey, it's the truth, and it's what we ALL deserve.
(((((huggs)))))
Hi STE-
Just wanted to stop in and say hi, its been awhile.
I want to echo labug....you CAN do this. We are all behind you
((( )))
Wellll.....the divorce has been busted. Not DB, I mean busted as in the case was closed sure to inactivity with no decree granted. That's something to celebrate, right?
H filled as a "ha I beat you to it" move BC I told him that I was filing. I did not respond to being served, nor did I act like the d process was going on.. We both attended the initial status conference....and then I waited and stayed quiet about that topic. Heck, we even ml one week after the congreve!
I felt most comfortable letting him set the pace as far as progress with paperwork was concerned. And since he didn't make a move, and neither did I, it's closed.
So now what? I mean it's not exactly a game changer, we have not reconciled. All it tells me is that for right now, he is not wanting to pursue the d process.
As for me, I need to stay consistent with who I really am, regardless of h behavior and continue to focus on making the most of my life and my girls.
I have struggled lately and I think it's BC I have not known how to act in response to his actions. I know better than that. I need to stop being immature and giving him reasons to rejustify his position. I think the Key to consistency is it makes them see that the potential for the life they seek has always been there, they are the only missing piece.
In case it is asked, the case status was given to me by the court clerk. You can't re open it, you would have to pay and file a new case.
Hi STE. Thank you for your kind words. I have found comfort in them. I hope I will get to that great. I wish she didnt have power over me but I sure it will diminish has more time passes.
I have read your piece on love to many people and many of them want copies. You so hit the nail on the head. I reread it quite often myself. Thank you so much for it. I wish you luck in your sitc and will continue to follow your jouney.
Nd,
it is out there, waiting for all of us. I really believe that. We may not recognize the face of the person that will fulfill our hearts desires, but I do not doubt their existence.
I wouldn't focus on that right now. You aren't a match to the love that you are seeking. first you have to heal yourself, love yourself. Love others, strangers for no reason other than you are a living person that sees the good in people.
People have the power of freewill. Just because they decide to start liking oranges, or tea, or winter doesn't make their previous preference bad or wrong. The same is with you. Just because someone doesn't want to be with you doesn't mean you aren't worth wanting or being with. Your value as person does not increase with anothers attraction to, and it does not decrease when another turns their attention away from it.
You are constant, beautiful and deserving. Don't put your self value in the hands of someone who does not have your best intrest at heart.
Just journaling...
It's crazy how many times a day h pops into my head. I don't obsess, it just kinda happens. I wonder if our was think of us from time to time.
A thought recently occurred to me...after all the detaching, gal and moving on is done, after all the tears, anger and releasing happens, after we really drop all hope, after the once shiny memories have rusted...
Are we willing to really open our hearts to them and trust again? I can only imagine the journey of finally really detaching. Are you even a match to your old spouse? After everything is said and done, I can only imagine how hard that decision would be.
I mean, by then we are FREE. New, improved and happy. Do we open ourselves up to that again? I can see it with someone new, but with them?
stronger: I want to second the entire post.
Stronger,
Loved your post.
In a weird way, I am scared to detach bc I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to lose this love i have for my W... Anyone else feel that way? It seems like I should be running to detach to end the pain.. but I do feel a fear or reluctance. perhaps, it is fear of the unknown..
I completely understand. But man, the person I fell in love with is gone...just like those old shiny memories, that man is gone, rusted over too. My emotions are doing the same. It's like he's lost his effect on me.
as hard as it was to get to this point, as many times I pleaded with God, idk, I just don't see it happening right now. It's not a front. It's like the relationship was left to rot out of negligence and no longer seems appealing.
Is this suppose to happen?
i don't know.. i saw my W tonight for the first time in 4 months.. (she moved out of state but is moving back in 2 months and had some interviews and an OW here.)
i am feeling like maybe i have left her behind.. maybe that is how i feel tonight and i will feel differently tomorrow, but i do not feel like i thought i would.. i miss what we had, but she did not feel like the same person at all to me, not at all...
stronger, maybe we are feeling the same way...is this detachment??
I don't know, maybe the beginning? I think full detachment is when we don't care anymore? Hmmm maybe it's not about not caring about them, but that we have created so much of a new life that we could care less about their opinions of or reactions to our new life/ us ???
That actually is how I feel though. I totally get what you mean about seeing them and being surprised by our reaction. And then a second opportunity presents it's self and you think "naaah, I'd rather be doing_______ ". The same olds song and dance gets old.
Like my grandma says, baby, ya got to get sick and tired of being sick and tired
I don't think it's that we don't care anymore, but that it doesn't affect our emotions. Does that make sense? We are no longer enmeshed.
Like my grandma says, baby, ya got to get sick and tired of being sick and tired
i've been waiting for that ^^^^
i like your grandma
oh and i like you too
((((((((( ))))))))))))
Labug,
I really think I don't care anymore, lol. That does not equate being nasty or rude, but really not giving a crap anymore. My life feels so beautiful, I'm so blessed for all that I have (even their father, so glad that he remains such a loving active present father) that it just seems crazy giving one second of negative attention to THAT situation.
I'm going to start a new thread tomorrow, as I'm in a new place for sure. First some updating.
This week was bittersweet. Early Thursday morning we lost a 1 yr old little girl. Watching the patents mourn, scream, yell at God, sob on the hospital floor was hard. I had to see this sweet angel prepped for the morgue, and then undo everything when the parents suddenly returned with her siblings, wanting to say goodbye. I found myself in that room, with her now in a hospital gown, wrapped in a blanket, surrounded by her family and minister. That seriously did something to me. I didn't go home and sleep, I picked up my girls and held them all day. I didn't go back to work till 2 days later.
That poor mother. I send her so much love many times a day. I know she would jump into my sitch in a heartbeat if it meant having her sweet baby girl back. And here I have been, with so much to be grateful for, and ie had been acting like my life was over SIMPLY because someone decided they no longer wanted to be a part of it.
I'm so humbled God put me in that situation the other night. Life is so precious. I don't want to spend any of it being unappreciative or negative. If someone is in my life, I'm sure it isn't for me to judge or hate them. I can love someone just the way they are, not needing them to change. It's a great feeling. I have felt so much love and appreciation for my life these post few days that my eyes full with tears.
My interactions with my children have been so powerful and meaningful. I packed us up last night and we drove 2 hrs away to my friends farm. Fall is nearing and the weather is just beautiful. The views here in Colorado ate amazing this time of the year! I'm off to help with breakfast, then it's time to say good morning to some horsies.
Enjoy your last day of summer guys!
<3
Soul shaking stuff, STE. We must be in similar professions.
(((STE)) to you, too. It takes a toll on us, too.
WTH. That's all I can say right now. Vets, I hope you're reading this...
H's routine for the past few months involves silence except the Sunday text asking how we are going to switch the girls. My answer is always the same...you drop them off at daycare, I'll pick them up from daycare (or flip it).
H's new routine is..."well I'm not using that siter anymore", to which I reply "ok, just text me the info for the new sitter". Hours later he'll ask if he can just pick them up from my house. In the end, it comes out that he has not fired the old sitter, what time will I be dropping them off? Don't forget such and such, can he just pick them up here?
Sometimes I let him, but last Sunday left me messed up, and I know that for MY own well being, it isn't good for me, so I chose to discontinue (stil detaching)
I embraced several 180's, all which seemed to have thrown him for a major loop. Too bad, this is about me. Anyhow, here's what happened...
Yesterday I get the ususal text, and the usual conversation unfolds...I'm left waiting hours for the "new" sitter's information. I asked myself-why am I doing this? Why don't you tell him where he can pick up the girls? So I contact my babysitter who has agreed to letme drop them off and let H picl them up. Cool. H texts me the new sitter's addres as I'm texting him my sitter's info. And here's where it all begins...
H-sends info
me-They are going to Spring's house in the morning, that's where you will pick them up for now on. I'll forward you her info
H-the new sitter doesn't have any toys or diapers yet. Can you bring them your stuff and I'll make sure you get it back?
H-wait, what?
H-can you call me?
(I forward info)
H-can you please call me
me-they will be there every momday by 8. Unless I get different info from you I'll assume I'm going to this new address to pick up my girls. Now there's no more confusion or need to ask every week.
(he starts calling, I don't answer)
H-but why can't you just take them to my sitters tomorrow and on your monday I can take them to Spring's?
H-can we do that
H-Is there any way I can get them from you tomorrow
(he is calling me like crazy, I turn my phone off for the night)
7:48 am today...
H-can you make sure they have their sippy cups
H-have you dropped them off yet
me-hey I'm not gonna rush their morning routine, they'll be at Spring's by 10 am for now on (H is at work anyway)
H-I can't get the girls at 10 (um, who cares?)
H-can you please answer your phone (H knows I don't do phone calls with him anymore, he curses at me and hangs up on me)
H start calling like crazy, again
H SHOWS UP AT MY HOUSE! He askes to come in, I say no. My girls are screaming. He's not gonna do this. He just can't show up unannounced when ever he wants. He bangs on the door, and I calmly tell him that if does not leave I will call the police.
H-I just wanted to talk
By this time I am dropping off the girls. The sitter and I chat and I get this text...
H-I'm not getting the girls this week
WTF??????? Really? He went THAT low? Sitter and I go over different scenerios, I decide to leave them there and contact his commander (he's in the army. Speak with the commander about everything, she promises to get an answer and call back.
Meanwhile, H informs me again that he's not picking the girls. Great. So I go pick them up and we go grocery shopping, staying in the area of my sitter's house. Commander calls saying that he WILL pick them up. OK, I go back to the sitter's house (my poor sitter) to drop them off.
H happens to pull up behind me as I'm parking.
H-Can I get them out?
me-no
His exow/supervisor was ordered to supervise him so she's in his car, watching everything. I'm not phased, I just think it was ironic.I kiss the girls goodbye, let them run to daddy, put the diaper bag on the ground, lock my car and go in the sitter's house.
Phew, that was a lot.
I would have left them there to wait and see, however, I have class tonight from 6-10 pm, then I work from 11pm-7am. So they would have potentialy been there from 9am-12am the next day. I'm not cool with that.
Holly cow guys! Craziness! It's like he's grabbing any litle thing to "get me". Not mind reading, he has had this pattern for the past 18 months. I'm just glad that I stood my ground. My ? is why? Why look for reasons to be dramatic? I don't bother him or anything. Just drop the girls off or pick them up. No need to contact me at all. So glad I have my own life and that this is not the highlight of the week. I am sad though that he was going to just givere up his week with the girls. he must not be in a good place
Back in the real world..
monday-class/give lecture
wednesday-zumba bootcamp
friday-zumba/state fair with friends
I'm sure I'll fill in the rest of the days. Oh! And I got two long haired burmeese cats, Nala (Lion King) and Raja (Aladin).
Anyhow, any vet have some insight into the craziness of this morning? I'd love to hear it
oh stronger - i missed your post yesterday - didn't show up for me.
I don't know what to say - you handled that situation this morning in such a strong way - i am so so sorry you and the girls had to go through something like that.
you sound as if you are in an extremely strong place - are you sure you are ok - that sort of thing shakes up anyone no matter how strong they feel. are your girls okay?
just want you to know we are all here, on the blanket - and i know you're with us - but i bought a bagful of extra hugs just for you and your girls
let us know how it goes tonight and tomorrow and keep your back to that castle.
{{{{{{{{{{stronger }}}}}}}}}}} ((((((((((( D3 ))))))))))))) ((((((((( D2 )))))))))))
love zig
STE you did an awesome job!
It all comes down to control. He enjoyed doing things when he wanted to and however he wanted to. When you put your foot down and decided not to take his crap anymore, then the rules changed. You stick to that because he's going to be even more childish.
You are doing an incredible job of establishing boundaries. He knows he can't push you around any more.
Zig,
Thank you love!My girls are young enough, and I don't attract enough attention to it, that this morning was nothing, honest. I was more shaken up by the death in the ER that I had to be a part of. THAT is worth being shaken up over. My back is def to the castle. In fact, it's ugly and over grown with weeds. I'm at the blanket, promise. I know I have not been active in the other's threads, life has just been so crazy. I'm there in spirit. As always, thank you for your support.
MrBond,
Ahhhh...big sigh. I'm throwin my hands up here. WTH is going on with him? Why won't he just leave me alone? I don't bother him, I don't even contact him. I just focus on me. I don't understand his need to start drama. Why can't he just focus on HIS life?
Random questions, I know. But stepping back and centering myself I think I understand. Dare I say I know I understand?
I remember when I was angry, always mad at something he was, or wasn't doing. We wernt even living together or even interacting, and I was always mad at him. 25MLC would get frustrated with me, telling me to keep the mirrior focused on myself. Said I was spinning my wheels. I sure was. The more I think about it, the more I remember feeling what I believe he is feeling right now. Mad. Don't know why, must be the other person, just mad.
I remember telling Zig about that anger keeping me company, distracting myself from the reality of my situation: I was all alone. I had to focus on me, not any one else.I was responsible for where I was in life. I can project the blame/anger all day, but it was me. Just me. Only when I realised that (with the help of members here) was I really able to let go, cry, release... That's when I reached a place where I was able to write H that long email where I reached out to him.
Maybee he's in that same phase, who knows. But I know better now. I know anger is a beefed up protected version of pain/fear. Acceptance, forgivness, peace is the only true evidence of a lack of pain/fear/anger that I know of. I also know that we push away and hurt when we really want to reach out and love. The "bad a$$" or "bit@h" protects us from opening up to feel.
(believing) that I understand where he is in life right now allows me to feel emphathetic, but I will not tolerate his behavior. I understand the importance of the boundaries that I have established and it helps me to maintain them. Idk if he will come out of this phase or not. To be honest I didn't like 25mlc because I didn't understand what she was trying to say. I thought she was just being mean to me. (I know better now, lol) My point is, you only hear what you are ready to hear, and I'm sure you can only grow as much as you are ready to grow.
Wow, ur strength is inspiring. Tho I'm not sure how his commander plays into him getting the girls. Is he doing it cos he's being made to?
Toni,
Thank you. He wasn't made to, his b.s. was brought to light. Meaning, his mind games were not a secret, and his actions carry consequences. He can threaten not to pick them up if he wants to, but he now knows that I will take them seriously, and his command has my back. I truly believe it was a "I got you" tacttic, but his command making it serious made him realize this is not a game.
He really is a great dad, just not in the best place right now.
STE,
Very true words. You have been listening. THAT is attractive.
Mr Bond,
It was AJ that somehow opened my eyes. He asked me if I felt justified in my actions. My initial reaction was to say "but, but he...."
There is no but, there is no excuse, no one to blame or face, but yourself. Regardless of the way someone treats you or how justified you feel in your role as as a victim, you are responsible for your actions/reactions.
It took me 3 months to really get it, and that was with me being surrounded by so many wise mentors here. Yes, you too. Who knows if, when or where God will put such a person on hs path.
The only option for me is to embrace and love, let go and let God.
Mr B, your family is blessed to have such a strong, wise example of a man in their presence.
STE, you are truly getting it! It's hard won but it's worth it.
The "bad a$$" or "bit@h" protects us from opening up to feel.
So true, so true. So how do you keep that bit@h from reappearing? I'm asking not as a challenge but rather an explanation because I think many of us here have that alter ego we'd love to squelch.
By separating our selves from anothers actions and choosing to love them. I think some people, myself included confuse boundaries with detached love. Kinda like how you love your toddler in spite of their acting out behavior, focusing on the positive and ignoring the current tantrum/phase.
H sent me a text saying "this is the picture that (d3) sleeps with every night. Attached was a pic of my daughters and I at a Christmas party last year.
He had this frame up in his home, even during his ow phase. I would look for excuses to go in his house just to see if it was still up. Now here he is months later and he's sending me proof that not only does he still have it, but that it's looked at every night.
I didn't respond. Didn't know how to, just being still.
My heart longs to be loved. Not because I need it, or feel incomplete without it. I think it is human nature to want to be loved. I believe that I am a great woman, that I have so much to offer. I know there are men out there who value the same things I do.
I know it exists, not just in the movies. A man that looks at me and is so grateful that I'm a part of his life. A man that holds me and breathes me in, and his heart just races. A man that supports me and is proud of me, is honored to have me by his side. A man that cares for me and loves me back to health when I am sick. A man whose favorite place is on the couch, with me in his arms. A man who doesn’t mind leaving home because he is so happy to come back to it, and me, at the end of the day. A man that wipes away my tears and kisses me when I am sad. A man that doesn’t get restless with daily life, because he knows the little things are what mean the most. A man that makes love to me and holds me in his arms as I fall asleep afterwards. A man that believes in maintaining his own relationship, whose grass is always greener than any other side, because he does not allow it to die or become overtaken by weeds. A man who looks forward to the changing of the seasons and the new memories that will be created.
I know it exists. I know I'm ready for it. I know I deserve it.
________________________________________________________________
I wrote that exactly a month ago. It was more of my heart's wish list than something I ever thought I would have. Tonight I realized that person does exist, and is in my life.
Tears fill my eyes as I type this, I feel so humbled and grateful.
4 years ago I married my H, and after the first year it went down hill. So much that by year 3 I became the WAS. The 4th year has been spent in this limbo situation.
I can honestly say that I'm not mad at H, I don't have any negative feelings towards the way he has treated me over the past several years. If you don't know better, you just don't. I think this sitch IS that life learning lesson for him, though I feel the Lord isn't done molding him just yet. My role in this lesson hurt, but I understand it was meerly a role. So again, I don't judge, and can look back detached.
There comes a time where you have so much love and acceptance that you let go. It doesn't feel like you are turning your back on something. It just feels like you are opening yourself up to compassion, acceptance, love, and anything that life brings you. Like pouring the contents of a fish bowl into the ocean, not knowing what's out there, but knowing everything will be ok.
So I have reflected, grown and loved myself. I began thinking about my future R, and it just unfolded with such ease that it feels as natural as breathing.
Life has brought me a wonderful man. He works in the hospital with me. We have been friends for 2 years, and we have been chatting more often for the past few months. Little did I know, he was patiently waiting for my walls to come down, as he says.
We have spent so much time together, esp these past few days, and it just clicked. My heart opened. And everything in that letter up top? That's him. It really is. And like I said, my eyes fill with tears, my heart is so humbled. It feels so natural, so easy. There's nothing holding me back, I have nothing to be scared of. It's like you try so hard to create a door when there is another door AND it's open. Just had to let go of that knob and look in another direction to see it.
Obviously a divorce still needs to be granted, and H and I will always have some sort of a R co parenting our little girls-but this chapter of my life is over and another has just begun.
I have to say this, go slow.
Not sure why I'm updating, but I am...
H text me the other day that he needed me to take the girls early, he had become homeless and didn't want them sleeping in the car. A few hours later I come home to him and the girls waiting for me. It was a first time in a while that he had been in my home. He was so awkward, so uncomfortable. Couldn't sit relaxed on the couch,couldn't look me in the eye, his eyes kept tearing up but would change his focus and gather his composure. It's like him being in my world is uncomfortable for him.
I really don't know who he is or when he's lying. Who knows if he was homeless, out of $, whatever...something about him was just off....is just off. So unatractive on so many levels.
Worst part of all is I had just goten released from the hospital THAT DAY with pneumonia. I sounded terrible, was obviously struggling and he didn't even notice or care. He would see me struggling to breathe correctly while doing something with one of our D and would just sit there, in his uncomfortable daze.
So I really got to thinking...this guy is going to be jobless come Nov 4 when he gets out of the army, has no type of security or $ to his name and is now homeless. Unstable and irresponsible. So I made the decision that the girs aren't going back to him after my week. Now more going back and forth every other week, they are with me now full time. Idk what it would take for me to go back to shared custody-but it will come with some form of a legal inforcable document.
Seriously over this. I text him to let him know, and he didn't even seem phased. He wanted to know why (which is beyond obvious so I didn't answer)but didn't not debate the decision.
Good for you. He is in no position for that responsibility right now. He should realize this.
I am also glad to hear you have found someone special. Like labug said, go slow.