Good morning! It's been a few weeks since I updated. I have been reading and posting sporadically but figured I would start a new thread with a brief update. Nothing really exciting going on here, which is ok with me.
Our court date got postponed and just the reschedule for late August. When he found out about it he emailed to say "what is this, I thought we were going to try to do this out of court with just us and the lawyers" so I suggested he contact his L to find out. Less interaction is best, for me anyway.
STBX was making excuses to come to the house, things that he felt needed fixing or that I wasn't doing (in his opinion). The biggest was the lawn maintenance. So I hired a landscaping company. Best money I have spent yet. They are wonderful! I own and operate a business and my kids are both busy with work and school. It makes the most sense to handle it this way.
The most recent turn of events was a minor incident and so ridiculous. He had a fake acct on FB that he had created a while back for my dog. It didn't occur to me that I had to block that acct when I was locking things down months ago. Well yesterday morning while emailing with STBX about the kids, I noticed my 'dog' was online at the same time. He was using that acct which was totally inactive, to spy on me. There is nothing on my page to see other than my walks, pictures of the kids and sunrises, etc. It was just very sad to be honest. I can't believe I am saying this, and its comical...I have now blocked my dog hahaha
Other than that things are going well, enjoying the summer with the kids so far. Training every day for the 3 day walk in October. Getting ready for vacation and counting down the days. My girlfriends have all started packing already so I think I am behind.
All in all, doing well
Our court date got postponed and just the reschedule for late August. When he found out about it he emailed to say "what is this, I thought we were going to try to do this out of court with just us and the lawyers" so I suggested he contact his L to find out. Less interaction is best, for me anyway.
***Smart.STBX was making excuses to come to the house, things that he felt needed fixing or that I wasn't doing (in his opinion). The biggest was the lawn maintenance. So I hired a landscaping company. Best money I have spent yet. They are wonderful! I own and operate a business and my kids are both busy with work and school. It makes the most sense to handle it this way.
***Even smarter!The most recent turn of events was a minor incident and so ridiculous. He had a fake acct on FB that he had created a while back for my dog. It didn't occur to me that I had to block that acct when I was locking things down months ago. Well yesterday morning while emailing with STBX about the kids, I noticed my 'dog' was online at the same time. He was using that acct which was totally inactive, to spy on me. There is nothing on my page to see other than my walks, pictures of the kids and sunrises, etc. It was just very sad to be honest. I can't believe I am saying this, and its comical...I have now blocked my dog hahaha
***LMAO!!!! 
I was looking for you a few days ago as I hadn't seen a post in a while, thought you might be on your vacation.
Blocking the dog, now that's funny!
Lol that's one smart dog. Have thought of getting him Rosetta Stone?
I always look for you too bug
Vacation is in 9 days..not that I am counting down or anything haha
I know, isn't he smart Rick. I should get him an agent.
He actually admitted to it this morning when I said "do not text, call or speak to me. Please do everything through the L's"
No need to admit it if I saw it with my own two eyes. I guess he thinks he can still tell me "no you don't really see what you think you see"
Hahaha!
So I was willing to forgive and move past the facebook stalking, only to have him attempt pulling the strings behind the scenes this morning. S18 got up and said "when are the landscapers coming back to do the garden, dad told me to go out and weed today"
Sigh, I tensed up immediately.
I called him at work and it didn't go as well as I would hope so I took it to email. Better to have the written trail anyway. So I sent the following and praying he gets it this time...
I am keeping to email because honestly I just can't talk to you, and don't want to talk to you
My point is you have no right to overstep my boundaries, and I won't allow it.
Under my roof (where I live, I realize the house is still yours too) I have control over what happens, what the kids help with, and how it gets done
I don't need you pulling the strings like that, it is none of your business.
It always comes back to this, and it is getting shorter and shorter between times I say it
Just leave me alone, it is easier on both of us, just don't talk to me at all.
I was willing to forgive your facebook stalking and less than 24 hours later you are trying to play puppet master.
Just focus on your life, moving forward, time with your kids and leave me alone
Autumn,
If he continues to undermine you, you may have to resort to setting up a trusted friend or family member as a formal intermediary. Or at a MINIMUM, going completely to a Cozi calendar for all logistics. His bullchit is just pushing your buttons, and setting back your otherwise-exceptional attitude and detachment.
Starsky
P.S.
Make sure (absent something ALARMING in there) that you DON'T respond to whatever response you get from your e-mail. You said your peace -- ONCE -- and don't even give him the courtesy of responding to any of his rationalizations for the inappropriate behavior. If you do, it will quickly teach him that he can use the "kids button" to lure you in.
You are right Starsky, I totally agree. I have been doing too well to let him do this now. It truly makes me shake my head and wonder most days. I don't know this person at all.
This is the response I just got and from here on out, I will use Cozi or an intermediary
I removed all our non-mutual friends. And I will not use Reggie's login again.
However if I want to ask my son to help around my house, I will.
They are men, it shouldn't look as bad as it does or need a landscaper but if you want to spend your money that way it's your call.
I just want the house to look as it did while I lived there until it's out of my name, at that point I won't have any input. Hopefully that happens very soon.
Have a nice day.
P.S.
Make sure (absent something ALARMING in there) that you DON'T respond to whatever response you get from your e-mail. You said your peace -- ONCE -- and don't even give him the courtesy of responding to any of his rationalizations for the inappropriate behavior. If you do, it will quickly teach him that he can use the "kids button" to lure you in.
Good point!! ^^^^
I removed all our non-mutual friends. And I will not use Reggie's login again.
However if I want to ask my son to help around my house, I will.
They are men, it shouldn't look as bad as it does or need a landscaper but if you want to spend your money that way it's your call.
I just want the house to look as it did while I lived there until it's out of my name, at that point I won't have any input. Hopefully that happens very soon. and it makes me -- and my decision to have an affair and leave my family -- look bad, and I don't want people driving by the house and thinking poorly of me, like "why isn't their father out there helping them with those things???"
Have a nice day.
There. Fixed it for you.
Starsky
Too funny!! Yes that is exactly it, and I do know it. I just allowed him to hit a few buttons. I took a nice long walk and I feel so much better now. My peace has returned and not letting him bug me one bit
Although that was the funniest thing I have read all day, so very true!!
Ok. I didn't get the memo of the new thread!
I feel so out of the loop!
Wow. Autumn... You must be one hot piece, for the dog to stalk you, too!!!!
He's obviously dying to know how you're ding, what you're doing, and with whom.
Poor doggy, though. His mom can't even comment on his pics anymore!!!
Wow. Autumn... You must be one hot piece, for the dog to stalk you, too!!!!
Or have really nice legs.
Oh so sorry about the missed memo mindfull
But looks like you figured it all out, and are fully updated now.
I think I will be ok with the dog blocked, he lives with me so we don't need to be FB friends
Last night after the one comment about the dog on the alt, my phone started ringing. People figuring it out. One friend was so upset she was crying. I found myself reassuring them. But not covering for the bad behavior.
Haha mindfull and gr8, who knows why dogs do what they do. I am sure not wasting time figuring it out
Oh my goodness, isn't that classic - using the dog's profile! He must have thought he was so clever! I hope your dog didn't take the profile abuse too hard
Hope your vacation packing is going well!
Hahaha Vera, the poor puppy is paying the price for someone else's bad behavior
Just started lining up some things I won't need during the week, feels good to at least get started and continue the countdown! Thanks so much!!
Had a wonderful time with my family yesterday and took the boys to the outlets on the way to the beach. It was a nice halfway point and they both needed new shoes.
Although it has been happening for quite some time, this part of my family had no idea of the changes in my life. I have been pretty quiet outside of my immediate family, just because I didn't want the opinions.
I am glad I handled it that way, because they are amazed at the person they see, and how well things are going for the boys and I.
Came home and was pretty tired. The boys went out for the night and I just relaxed on the couch with a few movies. Felt good to have the downtime.
Today is all about cleaning, and getting ready for the week. I started my morning with a chat with my grandmother. At my age, I am very blessed to still have both grandmothers, although only one really knows who I am at this point.
Now just waiting for the boys to get home from the gym. I have to take S15 back to the outlets. They forgot to take the security tag off of his sneakers. But I get that time alone with him in the car, so I am not complaining one bit.
Hope everyone is having a great weekend!!
Some people just don't seem to listen, they hear you but don't truly listen.
Another brief update. The landscapers came back today to do the heavy duty cleanup that was long overdue, way back to when STBX still lived here. Although he keeps accusing me of letting it go, he never did much when he was here either. It is just another tactic.
So to cover my butt, I sent him pictures of the yard after it was finished to show that his investment is maintained (he requested and I saw no harm)
I jokingly mentioned getting excited to downsize eventually to not have to deal with this maintenance.
He responded:
I am sure it will and I understand about downsizing for you. I appreciate the pictures very much.
To be honest, because it feels safe communicating these days, I really just wanted to help so it’s not overwhelming to you. I know it doesn’t always come off this way but I am trying to help this transition anyway possible. I didn’t mean any harm offering or asking the boys, but I get your point too.
I hope you can believe that.
My response came much easier and seems to feel so much more natural these days, which is so nice
No thanks, I can handle it. I just don't choose to handle it for the long term. I have other ideas and priorities for my life and this is all temporary for me. It is not what I want. I appreciate the offer but I really don't need any help.
We are transitioning ok, you need to continue to focus on your transition. I am actually doing quite well, and here for the boys if they struggle in transition. We can each do that for them if we are with them.
I can bide my time until I can downsize, there are plenty of other areas to focus on in the meantime, its not a huge deal
I realize that I can't take anything he says at face value but I feel like we are moving in a positive direction...
He quickly responded with:
I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant. I was referring to what happened last week. I had good intention, but to your point it’s time to move on.
You definitely seem to have the house under control and I am letting go.
If you ever need help with anything, even if it’s just explaining how something works in the house etc. please just ask. I will always be willing to help you.
Otherwise I won’t push again, and really did not mean any harm. That’s what I tried to explain in the last emailI will consider that a small victory! It can change, granted, but I will take it for today. And I have written proof that he feels I am maintaining the marital home appropriately.
It is amazing how much easier it has gotten over time, and how much more natural it feels! Not just with him, in other areas of my life.
I am a very happy girl!!
Hi Autumn,
It's great to hear you doing so well. It sounds like you have truly moved on with your life - what a great example for your kids as well.
I am sorry to hear you have issues with your H, but it sounds like you are handling it beautifully. Good for you!
Have a fun and safe vacation trip.
Autumn you sound great and you must be radiating positivity outward because the communication you pasted above is grounded on both sides. Kudos to the work you've done
Thanks so much!! I suppose there must be some truth to that Vera. As of this morning, STBX now wants to come and split everything. He previously was digging in and wouldn't even take all of his clothes. I asked him to wait until I get back, because I want to be here when he is removing things from the house. He agreed. What a nice surprise this morning!!
You should bring someone with you (preferably, a male relative) and supervise to make sure he doesn't remove anything from the house that he shouldn't.
Oh good call!! I will definitely do that, and hadn't really thought about it. I don't think he would but I have been surprised by him before
It is such a huge relief to have this next step happening, one that should have happened months ago
stranger things have happened.
Just a brief update...
Had a wonderful vacation with my boys and just getting back to work today. It feels good to be back to a routine again, as much as I enjoyed the downtime.
I had a few of my girlfriends there, staying in the same community, which was great for me and my boys. STBX kept in constant contact with the boys. He mentioned to me how hard this week was going to be on him as the first 'family vacation' without him. I asked him to please not put that on the boys, and it sounds like he didn't.
Yesterday had a minor setback with STBX, as he came to the house to help S15 with his car and wanted to discuss some financials with me, specifically college tuition for S18. The conversation went well but after he left he texted me a few additional things re: the settlement, court and financials. He was getting a bit too friendly and crossed some of my personal boundaries. I was hesitant to draw that line again as I didn't have the energy for the fight post vacation.
But after a few more inappropriate comments, I will be setting that hard line again and expecting him to respect it. No contact means no contact. I need it that way, and if he needs to talk with someone he needs to find another person to talk to.
It's the old "give an inch take a yard". I am proud that it took me very little time to see it for what it was and draw that line again. That is progress.
I am so much happier when my boundaries are respected and I am focused on me and the boys, that is enough for me.
Overall doing quite well I would say
Yesterday had a minor setback with STBX, as he came to the house to help S15 with his car and wanted to discuss some financials with me, specifically college tuition for S18. The conversation went well but after he left he texted me a few additional things re: the settlement, court and financials. He was getting a bit too friendly and crossed some of my personal boundaries. I was hesitant to draw that line again as I didn't have the energy for the fight post vacation.
But after a few more inappropriate comments, I will be setting that hard line again and expecting him to respect it. No contact means no contact. I need it that way, and if he needs to talk with someone he needs to find another person to talk to.
It's the old "give an inch take a yard". I am proud that it took me very little time to see it for what it was and draw that line again. That is progress.
I agree! And I wouldn't call it a "setback" at all.
YOU chose the if/when you decided to enforce your boundaries. Based on YOUR emotional needs at that moment, you were drained and made the conscious decision of "Ehhh... screw it. I'll draw the line the next time, and I'm sure there'll be a 'next time'."
I think that's very healthy.
Starsky
Good way to look at it Starsky! I appreciate that!
It was a relief that he accepted the boundary when I restated it today and said that he was drinking when he sent many of the messages, although he meant them all.
I explained that the boundaries were not just for me but for all involved, to avoid confusion. He said he agrees, as he is feeling confused today and having many regrets. I replied "I sincerely hope your IC can help with that for you" and stopped replying.
Excellent.
Autumn.
I think you did great! As long as you consistently display your confidence in your decisions and boundaries... You can't go wrong!
Thanks mindfull, day by day and it really does come much easier these days thankfully.
Tomorrow the boys go on their vacation with STBX. I don't know who is more excited, them or me. I realized that not only has he not had them overnight since March, but he is really only seeing them 3 hours per week. Yes you read that correctly, per week.
I attribute some of it to their ages and work schedules but I also feel like he could try a bit harder. I feel so bad for them, and they need their dad.
I think once they get back from their trip I will bring this up to him. I don't want to risk rocking the boat before they go, and the reality is that they will have 4 good days together which is fantastic.
I am planning to get some things done around here, organizing, etc. I made some plans to get out for a bit and on Friday I will be going to the AC air show with my family (my parents live near there so we are all going). Really looking forward to my mini break
It's been a while since I have been here and I plan to get caught up on some reading and situations in the next day or two. It's just been super busy between end of summer, getting S18 settled into college and getting S15 ready for school to start.
We had our settlement hearing yesterday at my lawyers office, it was the 4 of us and half a day but its done. My divorce will be final in just 2 to 3 weeks.
The financial settlement is fair (equitable distribution) but due to a change in laws that I wasn't aware of, I am trying to figure things out a bit. It used to be that as long as a child is a full time college student, child support continued. That is no longer. At 18 he is emancipated.
So my XH is only paying child support for 1 yet both are living with me. I am still responsible for feeding, clothing, haircuts, etc. and he doesn't have to pay a dime. He did say that he will be keeping him on his insurance until he is 23. I guess I am a bit shocked but I will figure it out.
Other than that, things are good. The boys are adjusting well and getting back to routine will be good for all of us. Fall is my favorite time of year. I can't wait to get out for some trail walks and bring my camera. Looking forward to it!!
Hi Autumn, just thinking about you.