My old thread exceeded 100 posts, and I'm at a decent breaking point, so I've started a new thread.
Here's my old threads:
Continuous Confusion Trying to love my WAW from a distance Trying to love my WAW from a distance II Trying to love my WAW from a distance III It's a marathon, but where are the mile markers? Still in the marathon - am I going the right way? Marathon continues. It is me or is it all uphill? Where is this marathon leading me anyway?Still in the marathon - did I miss a turn?Marathon continues. Where we going, anyway?Why did I sign up for this marathon, again?Why was there no course map for this marathon?Is this really an ultramarathon?Who designed this ultramarathon course? Ultramarathon continues...was there a detour?Ultramarathon continues..will I get a second wind?This ultramarathon has plenty of hills, no?How long is this ultramarathon anyway?It has been a long haul. At the beginning, I never thought I'd still be here like I am. However, my W has not shown any movement back toward me, just the occasional interest and noticing my changes.
The good news is the changes were all for me. As a result of my situation, I believe God has used my situation to His glory. I have done a lot of things that would have been outside my comfort zone in the past. I have made a ton of new friends, and frankly, met a lot of amazing people.
I feel well positioned for the next relationship, whether it's with my W or someone else.
So if you're new here, realize this is a marathon and not a sprint and for me it's been an ultramarathon that started out as a sprint. Use this time to work on you. Do things you've always wanted to do that are outside your comfort zone. Work on becoming your best possible self. You will save yourself and possibly your M.
Yesterday, I had my first meeting with a L. I think it went pretty well. The L could relate to my situation. She has D'd and remarried. She didn't want the D. But she's one of us.
She is happily M'd right now, too, BTW. Hopefully that gives someone some hope. It gave me some hope, anyway.
Last night after I got home, I walked into a house that was 85 degrees. Ugh! I think my A/C's days may be numbered.
My W picked up my S last night. Oddly enough, she just texted my S and had him come out to the car. There was no OM with her. Also, the previous night, my W had texted me asking if I had the title to the car and if I knew the radio code. In the past, I would have gotten that stuff immediately for her and also gotten some stuff I thought she might need. I texted her about 2 hours later and told her that stuff was probably in the folder for the car, and I could just give her the folder. Last night, she sent my S inside for the folder.
Usually she will come up to the front door. I hate to say it bothered me, but it did. My group leader last night at church suggested, though, she may be seeing a lot of things she likes in me right now, and me baptizing my S was a slap in the face for her. Therefore, she can't face me right now and needs some distance. Well, sounds plausible.
As for me, I am in a pretty decent place. I am ready to take the next step in talking to Ls and getting the paperwork together. It's just another step in the process, and we'll see where that leads.
keeping up with your new thread, keep it coming JB. Thanks!!
JB,
Just wanted you to know that I'm still checking on you. Despite where this road leads you, you will never regret taking the high road, and that has been the path you've consistently chosen during your ultra marathon.
I am excited to see what the Lord has in store for you next! Hang in there, and know you always have a friend in Texas who is pulling for you.
Take care! Ncl
JB I posted a pic for ya. I found one in my state. Go look. Been trying to get a pic but is on the other side of the road of my commute.
I know talking about me again. Lol
keeping up with your new thread, keep it coming JB. Thanks!!
Thanks for dropping in, gunny!
JB,
Just wanted you to know that I'm still checking on you. Despite where this road leads you, you will never regret taking the high road, and that has been the path you've consistently chosen during your ultra marathon.
I am excited to see what the Lord has in store for you next! Hang in there, and know you always have a friend in Texas who is pulling for you.
Take care! Ncl
Thanks, ncl
I am so grateful for having you in my corner.
What's amazing is my W is the only in the world that can make me like I'm not taking the high road. She will tell me I'm controlling, all I doing is stalling the D process
and so on. Believe none of what you hear and half of what they do, right?
I, too, am very excited to see what the Lord has in store for me and for what He's doing right now.
Yesterday was another day, more drama.
My W texted me in the morning and told me she found a house that she fell in love with. She then proceeded to ask if I would consider refinancing the house early or she could borrow from her half of my 401k. What? Seriously?!?!?
That's something like what I would do for my W if I'm happily M'd, but not for a W who wants to D me. I called the L I'm thinking about bringing on board and she just confirmed the obvious.
I called her in response. First off, I asked her about the car she's selling. Then I told I was not going to give her the answer she wanted to hear. She wanted to know why.
I simply told her I wasn't comfortable and all that stuff should be down on paper before we do anything with it. I then gave her an update on the L situation. I think she's pretty ticked I'm bringing a L on board.
We then got into a discussion about the D. We know there's a lot we agree on. But we are at an impasse right now about who does the transportation for S for the handoffs. She wanted to split it down the middle. I'm of the opinion that she made the decision to move 30 minutes away so she can do the lion's share of the driving. Am I being unreasonable here?
OK, I'm going to balance some the junk with some good. GAL'ing activity of choice last night was a bike ride with the local bike shop. We had to dodge some storms in the area, but we managed to cover 35 miles and did some substantial hill work at the end.
My W texted me in the morning and told me she found a house that she fell in love with. She then proceeded to ask if I would consider refinancing the house early or she could borrow from her half of my 401k. What? Seriously?!?!? That's something like what I would do for my W if I'm happily M'd, but not for a W who wants to D me. I called the L I'm thinking about bringing on board and she just confirmed the obvious.
I called her in response. First off, I asked her about the car she's selling. Then I told I was not going to give her the answer she wanted to hear. She wanted to know why. I simply told her I wasn't comfortable and all that stuff should be down on paper before we do anything with it. I then gave her an update on the L situation. [b]I think she's pretty ticked I'm bringing a L on board. [b]
It kind of sux for the WAS when life doesn't go as planned.
Nice job on the GALing bike ride. I'm going way outside my comfort zone by recently joining a Meetup group for Dancing. My first event is a Salsa Meetup next week. Yikes!! Hope I don't throw a hip or something!
2 that's great! (I'm sure you won't throw a hip old man
)
JB use the driving as a negotiating point. Don't let emotion cloud your judgment. Did she have an equally good housing option right near you? How far would you have been totally fine with? How much is your choice wanting to punish her by making her do all the driving? Remember that driving in a car with a kid is some of the best quality time there is so don't throw the baby out with the bathwater so to speak. If you let her know what you're thinking about, feeling like it's far and you think you might resent the drive. Then let her talk and listen to her. Then consider sharing the load (if you decide to) then you look a lot more reasonable and considerate then if you state the answer and stick to it rigidly. Just my two cents. I've been following you all along this way and admire you very much.
Best,
Hi jb -
My W asked questions about using her half of my retirement during the process and it got me VERY angry. I don't know how you kept your cool, but kudos to you.
Has the divorce been filed in court yet? If so, is there a temporary restraining order or temporary orders in place?
In Texas, when those are in effect, neither party can make any large financial transactions, so that would prevent her from buying a house and it would prevent you from letting her borrow from your retirement.
I loved throwing that in my W's face when she asked questions like that.... after all, she was the one that had filed and her attorney wrote up the temporary orders. LOL
Hang in there man, I was a lot further in the process and had many ugly fights, and yet by the grace of God we made it and are together and happy again.
Sounds familiar, well before she filed XW called me when I was 6 time zones away leaving messages on my voicemail asking me to cosign her home loan. Ahhh No. Shortly after that I got the “Then there is nothing else I need you for” speech. It hurt, then I got to thinking about how this was an attempt to manipulate and let it go.
Try and find the bigger picture rather than react in the emotions of the moment. There are more hurdles to come. Charge your L with making the arguments and stay out of the drama as much as possible. That is but one of the reasons I hired mine. If I am ever asked why that is the reason I am using.
It isn’t over until you are done and decide it is over. I do not believe in preordained destiny your future isn’t written yet and she may still just decide you are the better option. You are. Believe it
2tp, thanks for stopping in, buddy!
It kind of sux for the WAS when life doesn't go as planned.
Yes it does. (WAH-WAH-WAHHHH)
Sadly, there was time when we were still together I'd be more than happy to consider something to help her out. TBH, there was also a time earlier in our M where I would just blow her off, too, and that probably helped get us to where we are today.
My first event is a Salsa Meetup next week. Yikes!! Hope I don't throw a hip or something!
I think that's awesome!! Hey, you're not that much older than me. If I can do the slip-n-slide at VBS you should be fine at Salsa dancing. You may be sore for a week or two.
JB use the driving as a negotiating point. Don't let emotion cloud your judgment. Did she have an equally good housing option right near you? How far would you have been totally fine with? How much is your choice wanting to punish her by making her do all the driving? Remember that driving in a car with a kid is some of the best quality time there is so don't throw the baby out with the bathwater so to speak. If you let her know what you're thinking about, feeling like it's far and you think you might resent the drive. Then let her talk and listen to her. Then consider sharing the load (if you decide to) then you look a lot more reasonable and considerate then if you state the answer and stick to it rigidly. Just my two cents. I've been following you all along this way and admire you very much.
adinva, thanks so much for stopping in. You've really given me something to think about.
A little history for you - when she first moved out, she was about 10-15 minutes away. Then, in January, she made the decision to move 30 minutes away, the opposite direction. I would be more inclined to work with her if she was closer. 10-15 minutes, I think I can work with, but 30 minutes one way would be extremely tough on a weekday, especially if I was at the office. That would mean about an hour and 50 minutes of driving for me before or after work as opposed to about an hour for her. TBH, there is a small percentage that wants to punish her, but it's more about her choices impacting my life.
Bottom line is I think you've given me enough to think about to the point where I may be willing to bend some, within certain parameters.
Hey NTX, thanks as always for stopping in.
My W asked questions about using her half of my retirement during the process and it got me VERY angry. I don't know how you kept your cool, but kudos to you.
Thanks. It got me angry, too.
I was shaking when I got the text. However, I think 3 cups of coffee had a hand in that, too. I knew I need to take some time to cool down, before I did anything. I spent some time in prayer, too. I called the L I'm probably going to hire to just simply confirm what I was thinking.
Has the divorce been filed in court yet? If so, is there a temporary restraining order or temporary orders in place?
No, nothing's been filed yet. However, I don't have to do her any favors I'm not comfortable doing, either.
Hang in there man, I was a lot further in the process and had many ugly fights, and yet by the grace of God we made it and are together and happy again.
Thanks for reminding me of that, NTX. It gives me hope.
Thanks JS.
I see the request for money to buy the house as a request for a favor more so than an attempt to manipulate. My W tends to be very impulsive, and on impulse, will sometimes take desperate measures.
Try and find the bigger picture rather than react in the emotions of the moment. There are more hurdles to come. Charge your L with making the arguments and stay out of the drama as much as possible. That is but one of the reasons I hired mine. If I am ever asked why that is the reason I am using.
^^^ I think this describes where I am at. However, when I'm coming off of one this drama episodes, it's very easy to get sucked down into the emotions of the moment. It is also one of reasons of several that I'm planning on hiring a L.
It isn’t over until you are done and decide it is over. I do not believe in preordained destiny your future isn’t written yet and she may still just decide you are the better option. You are. Believe it.
Thanks for reminding me, JS. I do believe it. I think I'm hanging by a thread as far as being done. If I'm still hanging by a thread, then I guess I'm not done yet. I am definitely ready to take this next step, as far as hiring a L and talking about how the D will work out. It makes easier to let go of the rope so to speak. Hopefully I don't pick that thing back up again, though.
Last night I had a handoff with my W for my S. She offered to bring him to my office or for me to pick him up. I asked her to bring him to my office. She texted me when she got there. I had to let my S in. My W had OM with her.
My GAL'ing activity of choice last night was to go to Kings Island ride coasters with my S.
We had a good time together as usual.
We weren't together near long enough for her to get half of my retirement, but when she proposed I dip into retirement savings to give her the money she initially wanted, I about went through the roof. That's where talking with the lawyer was worth the small amount it had cost me (we never went to court, but on this issue I was prepared to). It's definitely frustrating.
Reading your reply to JustStunned, I'm reminded by a post from Michele herself - I'll paraphrase it because I forget exactly where I saw it: if you still have to wonder whether or not you're done, then you're not done.
Hey there JB, I have been following you since the beginning of your sitch. I have enjoyed your changes along with everyone else. I do believe that you have positioned yourself to be a great man and father which ever way you end up. I had a friend here in Va that got a D. His ex out of nowhere wanted to move to Northern Virginia. She then demanded that my friend come up there to see his three kids. He took her to court and the judge told her you wanted to move, then you will drive to where your ex is. So there are judges that will not tolerate this kind of behavior. My friend had to buy a travel trailer and he out of the kindness of his heart camp near his kids every other weekend as to not disrupt them to much. All I am saying is as far as you have come maybe you need to tighten up on this issue for you. Be well. Scott
We weren't together near long enough for her to get half of my retirement, but when she proposed I dip into retirement savings to give her the money she initially wanted, I about went through the roof. That's where talking with the lawyer was worth the small amount it had cost me (we never went to court, but on this issue I was prepared to). It's definitely frustrating.
Believe me, I understand. We may have been more than willing to help them out at one time, but there has to be boundaries now on what we're willing to do and what's a reasonable request.
Reading your reply to JustStunned, I'm reminded by a post from Michele herself - I'll paraphrase it because I forget exactly where I saw it: if you still have to wonder whether or not you're done, then you're not done.
I'd say I'm ready to get out the fork. However, the only thing I can say right now without a doubt is that I'm ready to take the next step in dissolving the M. My W has dug herself a pretty deep hole and there's been no signs of momentum shift.
OLW, thanks for stopping by.
Yes, that's very interesting. During my research project last week with Ls, I understand this is something that can be litigated. I realize I would have to live with any decision made now for at least 5 years. I am very tempted to dig my heels in a bit on this, but I also think I may be willing to flex somewhat on this if we can resolve some other sticking points.
There was more drama yesterday.
However, I'll start with good stuff. I had my S this weekend. Friday night we went to Kings Island for a couple hours. Saturday, we slept like teenagers. I took my S to a Reds game in the evening. Sunday morning I got up and burned off a 8.7 mile ride. We went to church on Sunday morning and went to Kings Island again last night. This morning I ran 3 miles. Tonight I have a softball game.
So yesterday afternoon, I texted my W asking her if she would like to meet at Starbucks to discuss some sticking points. She agreed later in the day and we met. We started off with small talk and eased into discussing the sticking points. I think as far as the driving, we both had suggestions on being somewhat flexible. So that was good - we were able to brainstorm a bit.
Then we got into some of my major sticking points and the conversation got uncomfortable. I ask her what she thought about putting a clause in the D about restricting overnight visitors when we have our S. We are NOT in agreement at all on how appropriate or inappropriate it is. Some of you that didn't see in the previous thread - about a month ago I had to pick up my S in the middle of the night when he saw something he shouldn't have. From her perspective, or at least what she says (and it COULD all be alien spew), it's no different than when her brother walked in our her parents. From my perspective, it's totally inappropriate for that to even be a possibility. During the conversation, I also mentioned I didn't feel it was appropriate for her to have OM of the week with her when she picked up or dropped off my S. Anyway, that conversation did not end well. She got and left.
I expected it. I was coming at it from the perspective of going to bat for my S. I did feel I needed to make it clear where I stood. I am less concerned with being right or wrong or the fact there's a OM in the picture. The latter just makes it easier to drop the rope. All I can say is it was very therapeutic to go to Kings Island and ride the Drop Tower a couple times with my S.
I may have been out of line last night, but I asked my S last night if the OM had a job or had a car. Survey says: no to both.
Actually, it's what I thought.
The morality clause is very common in Texas. I don't think I would have even brought it up, just let the attorney put it in there when/if the papers are drawn up. Then if she wants to make a stink about it, she'll look "bad".
NTX just took the words out of my post.
The clause was also included in our papers. I think you are completely justified in standing firm about no overnight guests of the opposite sex when your son is there. There are enough other nights in the week that she can have om over, and you would think she would want to focus 100% on your son on the nights that she has him.
NTX has a good suggestion to just ask your attorney to put it in the papers, and let her be the one to bring it up. Don't waste your time arguing with her. And remember to allow your attorney to be the "bad guy" about the difficult matters you do not agree on. As my attorney told me, that is what I paid him the big bucks for.
You continue to handle yourself as a perfect gentleman throughout this journey. I cannot imagine how many people must be scratching their heads at your wife's choice. Hang in there! ncl
JB let her go. Buddy let her go and be happy. It has done a world of good for me to let go and move on. My life is so exiting right now. You know you see it. I changed most of the bills into my name and I asked ex to help. I don't know if she is happy or not. I just want to make me and D happy. I'm getting there. Stop fighting the divorce and let her have it. I don't say that lightly but you fought a good fight brother. Stop fighting it and prolonging the pain. And yes u were out of line. Don't ask son chit about OM. U are better than that. God bless
NTX, since we're working on a dissolution, we pretty much have to agree on everything to get it done. However, this may be worth including even if we have to a D.
I think what you suggested was a pretty solid plan. However, I've already spilled the beans and I did feel the need to at least be up front about it.
I think you are completely justified in standing firm about no overnight guests of the opposite sex when your son is there.
Yes! Thank you very much!
you would think she would want to focus 100% on your son on the nights that she has him.
Yes, you would think that.
However, even we were still together, she had a hard time spending time with him, just one on one.
I was grateful for the times they did actually do something together.
NTX has a good suggestion to just ask your attorney to put it in the papers, and let her be the one to bring it up. Don't waste your time arguing with her. And remember to allow your attorney to be the "bad guy" about the difficult matters you do not agree on. As my attorney told me, that is what I paid him the big bucks for.
That's pretty much where I am at now. You can see what introducing the topic did for me.
^^^ I think this sounds like a good plan now.
You continue to handle yourself as a perfect gentleman throughout this journey. I cannot imagine how many people must be scratching their heads at your wife's choice. Hang in there! ncl
Thanks ncl!!
Ahh Rick, this is just a decreasing slice of my life that sux right now. The other parts are better than ever.
I think as I said earlier, I'm definitely ready to take this next step toward the D. She's not giving me anything to work with - it's quite the opposite. If she shifts the momentum, my thoughts my change. However, I'm really not seeing a momentum shift.
I think the OM questions were more out of curiosity. Yeah they were probably a little out of line, but I didn't belabor them. I'm also concerned about the environment my S is in when he's over there, and I think I have a right to be concerned.
I'm also concerned about the environment my S is in when he's over there, and I think I have a right to be concerned.
A valid concern indeed. You weren't speaking ill of om to your son, just asking what he does.
From a practical standpoint, how do you enforce a morality clause?
She's not giving me anything to work with - it's quite the opposite. If she shifts the momentum, my thoughts my change. However, I'm really not seeing a momentum shift.
Totally hear you on that, my friend.
We've been at this a long, long, long time. Some of our class has moved on ahead of us, some are now putting the pieces back together, and even some of the late bloomers are just making inroads...
You and me... ???
It's like we are invisible except when we talk, then we're just a pesky mosquito... lol...
Good to watch you make these steps. I've got a few more expenses to take care of and then my spare change will be going into the "file D" account.
I'm just working the "friends after D" angle, now. No need for us to be all "nose out of joint", if just for the sake of the kids.
Good on the morailty clause. Your son is old enough to know that you and your W were M when your W was caught by your S doing the funky chicken with OM. That's just not right... not at all like a kid catching their parents together...
From a practical standpoint, how do you enforce a morality clause?
To be honest, I am not sure. From what I've seen with another couple here, the guy happened to drive past the house late at night a couple of times and noted the OM's car at the house, so he jotted down the dates and times and gave the information to his attorney.
His attorney wrote a short letter to the XW's attorney noting the dates and times, and reminded her of the morality clause and threatened to file a motion of contempt the next time she was noticed violating the clause. The threat alone put a stop to it.
But if it would have continued, I am not sure what the next step would have been.
Did it stop or did they just get cagier?
Always good to see you around, KD.
Yes, we have been going about this for a long time. My W reminds me how long this is taking on a frequent basis.
I'm just working the "friends after D" angle, now. No need for us to be all "nose out of joint", if just for the sake of the kids.
I am currently working through this. I know at some point I will need to forgive my W, and I know with God's help, I can do it. However, it's going to be a long process. Right now, my W is not really treating me like a friend. I think for now we can at least be civil.
Regarding the morality clause, I was told it's something that can be litigated. For me, I feel it is my responsibility to my S to blow the whistle on this and do what I can to protect my S. Enforcing it may be another story. Like NTX mentioned, the threat alone often times will curtail activity. If they were become more secretive about it, that still prevents the exposure to my S, and that's more important anyway.
I don't know if the fact my W got up and left abruptly was necessarily a bad thing. At least I know she heard me.
The fact that when she got up and left and just stayed there was a 180 for me. I didn't apologize to try to smooth it over nor did I get up and pursue her. I just let her leave and calmly got up and left after she was gone.
JB good job on the 180!
I'm learning difficult conversations sometimes happen over time. So the fact that she couldn't handle her emotions and left isn't necessarily a bad thing, and isn't necessarily the end of the conversation.
I believe sharing your views on whether your S should be exposed to overnight guests and their nocturnal activities was important from a coparenting perspective and though leaving the hard stuff to the lawyers is a comfortable idea, this is just one of many decisions for years to come that it would be good for you and S's mom to try to get on the same page about. You think it's bad, she thinks it's fine, keep talking. Would she be ok if S sees you ML with a new girlfriend, hypothetically? What if she's someone you just met, is that ok? Or someone you've dated a month or two? When is it ok? If not ok to her, then she needs to agree with you on rules about how you both behave around S. Some couples cant agree on that, but if you can, it's much better. If you have her buy-in, you don't have to get people to drive by her house at night to check on her. Start with coparenting, try to get agreement, and write it into the legal documents too.
JB,
Re. exposing kids to overnight guests... Boy, this is a tough one and I am also in the thick of it with my H.
My sitch is a bit diff. because our kids are so young (D4, D3 and S1).
H started exposing OW as "a friend" a year ago. Even though he swears they are not affectionate in front of them, both my daughters have been very confused by it. At different times they have said things like:.
OW is part of the family, H and OW love each other, OW's kids don't have a dad or that H is OW's kids dad, etc.
Now he wants to expose them to overnight stays and to have OW attend kids' activities, so I would now have to see her as well!
I have asked for neither to happen until our D is finalized but he has categorically refused. He has not filed for D yet, and it will be at least a year before it's finalized (according to attorneys). Last time we talked about it was at co-parenting session last week and ran out of time before discussing it with counselor.
I see both sides of the argument.
I believe it's morally wrong and disrespectful of marriage as an institution and I want to set an example for my kids that I stand for my beliefs. H doesn't see anything wrong as he thinks our M has been dead for a long time anyways. I know I will not change his mind.
I want to protect my kids from more confusion re. our sitch. H doesn't believe they are confused...
I have been adviced both here and outside the boards to just let it go. I live in California and my L has said that a judge would most likely not even consider the issue as relevant, so I should just drop it. So it's not like I can leave it to my L to battle it out for me.
And it has been quite painful every time H and I have discussed it. So I can see how it will probably be healthier for me in the long run to just let it go. It's going to happen anyways sooner or later and I just don't want to create more ill-feelings between us. H clearly sees it as me trying to control him and me just acting out of jealousy.
And as Labug asks, realistically, how enforceable is it anyways even if it gets agreed upon in a D settlement?
This is currently the only remaining thorny issue I have with H re. custody, but it has been brutal for me emotionally.
I think that at this point, I have stated my POV and disagreement and it's there for the record. Whatever H does, I cannot control it.
I wish you the best on this. I know how difficult all of this is.
JB,
One thing I forgot to mention - your kids are older and at the end of the day, whatever your W does will end up affecting her R with them. They will make up their own minds about this anyways. You cannot do anything about it.
You know where you stand on the issue and maybe some day you will be able to express how you feel to your kids or maybe you won't (and should not?). IDK, but I believe that kids are smart. Even if you don't express it outwardly, they will sooner or later see how things happened and how each of you felt and behaved about this whole issue.
Best of luck.
JB - I meant to your son, not your kids!!!
(I read someone else's sig while writing to you)
Sorry!!!
adinva, thanks again for weighing in.
I'm learning difficult conversations sometimes happen over time. So the fact that she couldn't handle her emotions and left isn't necessarily a bad thing, and isn't necessarily the end of the conversation.
The more I've thought about this whole situation, I've realized a dynamic pervasive throughout the last several years of our M was exposed. While I did a 180, my W did not. It has been typical of her to walk out when she gets angry and just avoid the conflict. For years, I had just apologized to smooth things over on go on with life. Well, now I have freedom from the eggshells. Frankly, I think my motives for the conversation were different than hers. She wanted to solve things right there. I wanted to get everything on the table that we are going to need to deal with.
this is just one of many decisions for years to come that it would be good for you and S's mom to try to get on the same page about.
Bingo! Actually we should have worked harder on this throughout our M. I take some responsiblity for this, as I had operated out of fear that she was going to want a D if we didn't agree (she's been bringing up the D word for about 10 years now as a solution to our problems when conflict arises).
Would she be ok if S sees you ML with a new girlfriend, hypothetically? What if she's someone you just met, is that ok? Or someone you've dated a month or two? When is it ok? If not ok to her, then she needs to agree with you on rules about how you both behave around S.
Well, my W takes it for granted I wouldn't do this, but I get your point.
I see this as a coparenting issue more than anything else.
You're right, it's a coparenting issue, and you need not to fear conversations with the mother of your child, even if she gets mad. You need to learn how to communicate through that and not let it affect you, because you need to parent your child with her.
I know she's assuming you won't. You obviously have high standards and morals. But you might need to bring up such hypothetical situations as if they very well could occur, so she has an objective view of the issue as it affects her son. Right now she's looking at it as you trying to control her love life. If it's about YOUR love life maybe she'll see it differently.
I recently talked with my H about what we should do with our house and where our kids will live. I'm trying not to make any assumptions about whether the kids and I stay in the house. H's standpoint is that he wants to continue owning half of it after D. If you ask me right now, I don't expect to date anyone at all until my kids are grown; I'll be focused on them and will be very busy, and am not in a hurry to get back in a relationship. But I can't tell the future, and for the sake of argument I want us to set up an arrangement where the co-owner of my house doesn't feel like he can dictate who I can have over or move in. So I brought it up as a hypothetical to plan around.
KG thanks for stopping in.
I believe it's morally wrong and disrespectful of marriage as an institution and I want to set an example for my kids that I stand for my beliefs. H doesn't see anything wrong as he thinks our M has been dead for a long time anyways. I know I will not change his mind.
I want to protect my kids from more confusion re. our sitch. H doesn't believe they are confused...
I completely hear you on this. This is almost identical to what I have going on. I don't know if it's different or not, but my W would've been mortified if someone had told her a few years ago she would be doing what she's doing right now.
I think that at this point, I have stated my POV and disagreement and it's there for the record. Whatever H does, I cannot control it.
I think this is the least we can do, and in some cases it may be all we can realistically do. I look at as a responsibility to at least state our position.
IDK, but I believe that kids are smart. Even if you don't express it outwardly, they will sooner or later see how things happened and how each of you felt and behaved about this whole issue.
I believe kids are smarter than we give them credit for. I believe my S knows what's going on. I don't think my W is fooling him.
JB - I meant to your son, not your kids!!!
(I read someone else's sig while writing to you)
Sorry!!!
No worries.
I knew you had it straight.
You're right, it's a coparenting issue, and you need not to fear conversations with the mother of your child, even if she gets mad. You need to learn how to communicate through that and not let it affect you, because you need to parent your child with her.
I can tell the fear is gone.
After all, what's she going to now, D me?
I feel like I have this new freedom to speak my mind and bring up the hard issues. She is going to have to deal with them one way or the other.
But you might need to bring up such hypothetical situations as if they very well could occur, so she has an objective view of the issue as it affects her son.
Actually been there, done that. Awhile back, I asked her how she would feel if when she came to pick S, I had OW there. She said it wouldn't bother her at all. Yeah, right.
Her line of thinking is that we're not together.
Right now she's looking at it as you trying to control her love life.
I believe you're spot on with this one. It's a coparenting issue to me and to her it's me trying to control her. There's a line between those two situations, but I've crossed that line now because of where I'm at.
Hi labug!
Thanks for checking in with me. I'll still here, still kickin'. I'm been sporadically lurking. Sorry! Didn't mean to go dark on y'all!
I'll post a better update later. I have been really busy, as usual. Here's the executive summary.
Last week I was on a mission trip in WV serving at a juvenile detention center. I still can't think of a better way to GAL than to go on a mission trip. Leading up to that, work has had been absolutely busy. Right before my trip, I lost my hot water heater at home. Also officially hired a L on the Friday before I left town.
It's been an extremely busy couple of weeks.
The week before I went on the mission trip, I was in major vacation push mode. Like I mentioned earlier, I came home from Men's group on that Thursday night to a pool of water underneath my hot water heater. Not having the time or the desire to try to replace the thing myself, I had someone come out Friday morning and replace it.
Also, on Friday morning, I officially hired a L to represent me in a dissolution. It was time. I feel at peace about it. To me, it's just a next step. There are no forgone conclusions. There's a good part of me that's really excited about what the next chapter of my life's going to bring.
Saturday morning, I purposely made time for a breakfast ride with the local cycle club and logged 42 miles. I spent the rest of the day running errands, finishing up stuff for work, and packing. It was after 5am before I got to bed.
The mission trip was awesome!
We served at a juvenile detention center for a week in the northern WV panhandle. I can't think of a better way to GAL. Nothing else seems to matter that week. My sitch is far removed from my mind. There is one exception. I got up in front of the residents and shelter home kids and told my story. Just had a ton of fun with those kids there.
I also draw a lot closer to the people I'm on the trip with. I found out you tend to make a lot of new close friends when you go on a trip like this.
I also got in some good running when I was there. Hills are plentiful there. Ran 4.2 miles one night. Another night I had someone drive over the PA border and ran back to where we were staying for a total of 4.7 mi. Both of those were the furthest distances for me since the early 90s.
I got back late on Friday night. I got up the next morning and did the 42 mile breakfast ride again.
On Sunday I was reunited with my S.
It was awesome to see him again. Unfortunately, it was kind of late when my W brought him home.
Also, on Sunday, the post mission trip emotional crash started to show up.
I did do some GAL'ing by going out and playing 9 holes of golf with a buddy from my church.
Monday, I got out of bed early and ran another 5 miles, again the furthest distance since the early 90s. The post mission trip crash was still rearing its ugly head.
I was also having feelings of anger toward my W creep in.
Anxiety was ramping up, too.
Anyway, I was able to curb some of the feeling with my Monday night GAL'ing activity of choice. I had what turned out to be my last softball game of the year. I also slid into a base for the first time in about 26 years. It just happened to be at home plate and it resulted in a home plate collision. Home plate collisions aren't pretty at my age.
There was impact on my chin, shoulder, and my rear end (it was NOT a smooth landing). I have a big 'ol bruise on my rear end to prove it.
Did get out for some more GAL'ing during the week. I had my Tuesday night group at church. Wednesday morning was a 17 mile solo ride. Wednesday night I spent with my S. Thursday night I went out for the group ride with the bike shop for 37 miles. I rode with the slower group and it was a very nice social ride. Talked to everyone on the ride. A lot of hill work. I went out for 12-13 miles after we got back just to get the mileage up.\
Unfortunately, I was not in the best emotional place all week. I chalked it up to a combination of my sitch going on and post mission trip crash. On Wednesday night, my W had asked me to pick up my S at her place and that just made things worse. It's getting back to the subject of transportation. Currently, she's 30 minutes away. I had it on my mind that there has to be some limits to how far away she can be if she wants to share the transportation, especially during school.
Frankly, that topic was bothering me for the majority of the week.
Last night, I had my W bring my S to my office for the handoff. She was late, but I wasn't too worried about it, because I was so busy at work. It actually turned out to be a pretty good handoff. She had a dog she had rescued (not keeping) and we talked for a little bit. She was telling me about a house she looked at. The good news is she is looking for places closer to me for the sake of my S.
My S and I went out for dinner and ice cream last night and just came home and relaxed.
This morning I got up early and ran a 5K. It was an awesome morning for a 5K! I think it was also a PR for me for this era of running. Also, post race, they were shooting T-shirts out of a gun and I caught a T-shirt! Bonus!
Tonight, my S and I are going to get together with my Mom and celebrate her birthday.
I don't think we have time to be bored around here.
Registered for a 5K here on Saturday - it's run in memory of a local native who was a Marine major KIA in Iraq and benefits the Injured Marine Semper Fi Fund.
I also just this morning registered for a local 15K in early September, on the first weekend in September, as part of prepping for half marathon #3. The half marathon is in the same town as the 15K and while it's not exactly the same course, there's quite a bit of overlap so it will be a good chance to scope out the area!
kolja - I hope you have or are having a great 5K run today.
15K & half marathon - fantastic!!
It's been another extremely busy week. I've been up and down all week.
Sunday was great until I found out my A/C froze up. Great, another expense.
I let it thaw and turned it back on. Knock on wood - it's been running OK since then.
My W asked to have my S on Sunday night for a birthday party for a son of her divorced LBS friend (her H had an A, so I consider her to be one of us) I ended up meeting her friend in a parking lot. She was actually looking pretty good.
We talked for bit during the transfer. The first thing she said to me was that she'd heard I'd been on some mission trips.
While my S was at the birthday party, I decided to take a 20 mile bike ride and stopped for dinner in the middle.
Monday, my S and I spent the entire day at Kings Island riding roller coasters. We had a mission of riding all of the big roller coasters at least once. We made our goal!
Tuesday morning I got up and ran 5 miles. Unfortunately, later in the day, my anger and anxiety started to show up. It didn't help that my S that night had told me all about this house my W is looking to buy. She's making him all sorts of promises. She's also off on a tangent right now, and all hot to buy this house. I had my Tuesday night group at church. I think it dawned on me I am not forgiving my W for what she's doing. Those feelings ebb and flow. When I have them, I don't like it, though.
My W asked me to pick up my S from her place on Wednesday evening. This time, I chose not to be sarcastic or angry about it. It felt a lot better TBH. Not that I have to like that my 25 minute commute home turned out to be a little over an hour.
Thursday evening my W picked up my S for the weekend. For whatever reason she just called my S. She didn't come up to the door or get out of her car. Whatever. I just let it lie.
Thursday night I had a great Men's group at church.
I had a pretty decent day yesterday. Did a quick 3 mile run in the morning. My GAL'ing plans were busted last night. So I decided to shake things up. I left work and stopped by Kings Island to ride my favorite coaster 3 times and then came home.
This morning I went for a 42 mile breakfast ride with the local cycling club. It was awesome! I am really getting to like this ride. It seems like I always meet someone new.
My GAL'ing plans were busted for tonight as well, so I am taking today to detail my car as I do once a year.
My W had requested my S for Sunday night and Monday so she could take a mini vacation with him. I OK'd it. TBH, I am happy I don't have to deal with her until Monday at the earliest.
As a side note, it's been 3 weeks since I hired a L. I have yet to see any draft settlements. Not that they couldn't come next week. I'm also not dreading it like I was a year ago when it seemed imminent. Like I've said before, I may be almost done. I am just dialing up the fork and getting it ready.
Good seeing you buddy. Was just thinking of you. Just got in from a 14 mile ride. Did in 1.15 was taking almost 3 hrs. So getting better. I had Sears check my AC Monday. Gave him 170$ for him to tell me that the condenser is working and that my pipes are clogged. they don't do Plumbing? He did used compressed air to unclogged it I than used draino and it's working great. My W is in the process of getting a mortgage I'm just waiting for mine to come I can give her half. Separating things and family is hard stuff. Praying for u man
Thanks for the good wishes jb - about to make a post about the run!
jbnati -
I just caught up on your latest posts. You are a busy man - good for you!
I know what you mean re. the ebbs and flows of your feelings of anger. I go thru the same. Good thing you have so much going on to keep you busy, specially the exercising. Imagine how much worse you would be feeling if you didn't have a healthy outlet for your emotions? So keep up the good work.
I am sure you have heard it too - the ups and downs will decrease in intensity and duration more and more.
I sense a calm acceptance of your sitch and the D. Think of how far you have come since this all started...
Have a great weekend! (i know you will)
jbnati - I had the same thing happen with my A/C. It should work great after the thaw!
Rick, good to hear from you, buddy.
Separating things and family is hard stuff. Praying for u man
Yeah, you're right. It is. However, my W and I have been separated for over 15 months now. I appreciate the prayers!
KG -
Thanks for stopping in!
You are a busy man - good for you!
Yes, you've got that right! Sometimes I wonder if it's a little too much at times.
However, it certainly keeps life interesting. It's certainly not all about my situation.
Imagine how much worse you would be feeling if you didn't have a healthy outlet for your emotions?
Wow, no I can't. I am SO glad my DB coach really steered me toward GAL'ing early on in my situation.
I am sure you have heard it too - the ups and downs will decrease in intensity and duration more and more.
Yes, I have heard and I've realized it, too.
I sense a calm acceptance of your sitch and the D.
I would say you're correct. It took a long time to get to this point.
jbnati - I had the same thing happen with my A/C. It should work great after the thaw!
Thanks for stopping in RoRo. I always enjoy your thread titles!
I hope you're right. I had to have someone put a hard start on the compressor last month. Since it's thawed, it's been behabing (knock on wood). I am also trying to be a letter gentler on it (setting the thermostat higher, turning it off on cool nights, changing the filter, etc.). I'd like to see it last for the remainder of the summer at least. I do feel like it's a time bomb though.
Another very busy weekend. My W had my S all weekend and she requested and I granted an additional day, being today so she could take him on a mini trip.
Emotionally it was kind of mixed bag.
Friday night I was in a pretty good place. My GAL'ing plans had been busted, so I decided to stop by Kings Island on the way home and ride my favorite coaster a few times.
Saturday morning I got up and biked 42 miles on the breakfast ride with the local cycling club. It was once again a very nice social ride. My GAL'ing plans were busted for Saturday evening. I decided to wash, wax, and otherwise detail my car for the rest of the day. I am at least trying to keep it feeling new even with it being 5 years old and with 92,000 miles. Hopefully, it will want to make me want to keep it for awhile longer and I can save the money.
Went to church Sunday and it was a really good service. I went out to lunch afterward with a group of people. Since I was so busy on Saturday, I was relegated to getting the household chores done when I got home. Did laundry, cut the grass, did the grocery shopping, etc. If I'm ever going to be OK and start getting angry, it's going to be when I'm cutting the grass.
I started having a resurgence of anger yesterday when I was out there. I pretty much had a picture of me being my W's welfare agency in a D settlement when I was out there.
Later last night, under the cover of darkness, I went for a 6 mile run. I believe that is the longest distance since about 1990.
The bad news is my heels are very sore today. I think it may be plantar fascitis. I may have to cut back on the running a bit to allow it to heal
When I was was on my way back from my run, I stopped by the mailbox to pick up my mail. I took out what looked to an official looking letter, or at least one from some government agency. It turned out it was a very nice thank you letter from Youth Services from the mission trip I was on a few weeks ago.
That made my day.
jb -
Good to see you back on here, I've been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing.
I know what you mean about mowing - for some reason that is when I had a lot of bad thoughts and anger about my sitch. I wonder why that is? It rarely would happen at the gym or other times I was alone.
Your sitch is so confusing. Your W rarely shows signs of a R but doesn't seem to be in a hurry for the D either. It sounds like she sometimes "talks the talk" but doesn't follow through.
It's selfish of her to keep you hanging like this for so long.
Hey NTX! Great to hear from you.
Your sitch is so confusing. Your W rarely shows signs of a R but doesn't seem to be in a hurry for the D either. It sounds like she sometimes "talks the talk" but doesn't follow through.
That's a good observation NTX. Talking the talk and not following through is consistent with her pattern. I think right now she's off on a tangent of buying a house, and she's consumed with that. Also, she's become accustomed to me doing everything like making the big decisions and paying the bills over the years, so this is kind of unchartered territory for her.
Sorry everyone, I have been a little lax at updating and posting. I think I've been finding it's been cutting into my GAL'ing a bit.
It's been over 4 weeks since I've hired a L. I still have not heard anything as far as a draft settlement, etc. I suppose it could be any minute or any day. It is what it is. I'm trying not to let that be my focus.
As usual, it's been a busy week. I've gotten exercise in, though I've taken a break from running because of foot pain. I may try a 3 miler tonight. Been on the bike a bit. Rode with the local bike shop last Thursday for 32 miles. Did 17 milers last week and Sunday morning.
I had my S last week for his first day of school. Monday night we went out and got haircuts and dropped a large chunk of change on school supplies. Wednesday night we did a push to ride some coaster among light crowds on the eve before the first day of school. Thursday morning, I did the obligatory first day of school picture and posted it on FB.
I started up the tradition again of meeting him for lunch and smuggling in Chipotle.
It was my weekend with my S and we tore it up. We went to Kings Island both Friday and Sunday evening. On Saturday evening, we went to a minor league ballgame. I even made the big screen doing the chicken dance.
My W's focus is elsewhere. She texted last week asking for the tax returns for the previous year, because she needed them for her loan officer. For whatever reason, these kind of requests just get to me a bit. I haven't been in a hurry to get them to her. She's definitely entitled to them, regardless. I had intended to copy them yesterday when I was in the office, but I brought the wrong stuff with me.
I don't what she's doing right now, trying to buy a house.
She's definitely gone off on a tangent and she obsessed with it. The way I see it, she's chasing a happiness at the end of a rainbow.
Where am I at? I think I'm just about done. Like I've said before, it's time to dial up the fork. I'm not completely done, though, but I feel close. I've been getting this desire to have someone in my life to hang out with, not a serious relationship. However, IMO it's not time for that yet.
That's enough rambling for now.
Hey jb - good to hear from you. I check in your thread daily to see if you stopped in. I am rootin' for you.
It sounds to me like you are where I was back in May. I felt like I gave up and in return, my detachment was probably noticeable to my W. It wasn't my goal or intention, but it was what it was. I even went on a couple of dates, and to be honest, it felt great.
Even though we did end up back together, the experience taught me that I was going to be fine no matter what happened.
You are doing great, hang in there my friend.
Glad you and your S are having a great time JB. The chicken dance, huh? That's awesome. When you gonna post the video? lol
As far as being done...I completely respect and understand it. For me, when I felt I was done, it helped me completely detach.
You are in a good place my friend.
LITB,
When you have time, could you check in on my board once in awhile? Denver & Starsky post there often and I try not to post too much in order to keep it simple!
jb,
Sorry for the hijack! Been reading through your old threads & following new one as well.
LITB,
When you have time, could you check in on my board once in awhile? Denver & Starsky post there often and I try not to post too much in order to keep it simple!
Suppo,
You are in great hands with Denver & Starsky. I will try to catch up on your sitch and chime in.
Hey jb - good to hear from you. I check in your thread daily to see if you stopped in. I am rootin' for you.
Wow, thanks NTX! It's good to know that you're checking in on me.
I even went on a couple of dates, and to be honest, it felt great.
Going on dates is very, very tempting right now. Right now at least I have some interactions with single women, especially through my Tuesday night group at my church. While it doesn't fill the tank, it keeps it from becoming totally empty. And for now - nobody gets hurt.
LITB, thanks as always for stopping in my friend.
The chicken dance, huh? That's awesome. When you gonna post the video? lol
Sorry, but that's Frontier league property, LOL
As far as being done...I completely respect and understand it. For me, when I felt I was done, it helped me completely detach.
Oh yeah, absolutely. There's some days where I feel more done than others. It's not an absolute. I have things that will happen that will make me like a D is totally unnecessary and I'll have other days where something will happen that will make me just totally done.
Sorry for the hijack! Been reading through your old threads & following new one as well.
No worries suppo.
BTW I like the scripture in your signature line. It's been one that's helped me along my journey.
It's been a week since my last update, and I guess that makes me a total slacker.
Well yesterday was technically my 18th wedding anniversary. It was pretty much just another day to me. I did update my signature here today.
I had some interaction with my W last Tuesday. She came to pick up my S. I answered the door when she showed up. She could smell my dinner cooking, it smelled good, and she was surprised. We ended up having a decent conversation for the most part. The topic of the house she's looking at came up. It turns out she put in an offer
on this house. She asked if I didn't want her to get this house. I just told her, "Not really, but I'm curious if you've asked your L about it." She just said her L said a certain agreement in place and her loan officer said it had to another type of agreement. She also said my L should have a draft by the end of last week. I haven't seen anything yet, and it's been over 5 weeks since I hired my L. Of course, I could see something before I get done typing this post. We then penciled in some arrangments for me to get my S early on Sunday.
Conversations like the above when they're pleasant in nature, disturb my ambivalence about my situtation and make me start thinking that maybe the D is totally unnecessary. However, I am still putting it in God's hands and going from there.
I didn't see my W again until Sunday. I offered to pick up my S on Sunday. I had made plans with my Mom, so it was quasi on the way. I didn't talk to her. Just briefly smiled and waved.
There's a chance I may see my W tonight. She will be picking up my S tonight.
Still getting the exercise in. Did try a 3 mile run last Tuesday night. 17 mile bike ride on Thursday morning and this morning. 42 mile ride on Saturday morning.
Still GAL'ing of course. Tuesday night I had my Relationships group at my church. Thursday afternoon was the day I chose last week to smuggle in Chipotle to my S's school and hang out with the 6th graders. Thursday night I had Men's group. Friday night, I took myself to concert - really enjoyed it.
Saturday morning, the local cycling club's breakfast ride was officially cancelled, but there were about 12 of us who showed up to ride anyway and we successfully avoided the rain. Saturday night I had a reunion party with the folks I went on the WV mission trip with. Sunday I had church and went up with my S to visit with my Mom. Yesterday, I had my S all day. We ended up going to Kings Island for awhile and riding some coasters. It was pretty cool - we met up with a couple more people there via Twitter so we had a motley crew - ages 44, 24, 17, and 11 - riding coasters together.
jb -
I don't know the laws in Ohio since I've been in Texas most of my adult life, but the fact she's been dragging her feet on the D and is now actively trying to buy a house raises some red flags with me.
Here in Texas, the moment a divorce is filed, all major assets and money transactions are supposed to be "frozen" until the case is settled. This protects both people from the other. It seems to me like she may know this and she is delaying the filing until she gets what she wants first. You may want to shoot a quick email to your L and see what they think. *IF* this is the case, I am not sure you could do anything since technically the D hasn't been filed, there's not restraining order in effect for the finances.
From the emotional side, the signs and interactions are all still confusing, isn't it? She's cordial and friendly at times, and then she mentions the D paperwork. I feel terrible for you, I know that roller coaster all too well.
If it makes you feel any better, I asked my W recently why she did some of the things she did when she still loved me (unbeknownst to me at the time) and she said it was to hurt me and get my attention whenever I started to become more detached than she wanted. So who knows, in your case she may still want to R but makes these threats to rattle your chain.
It doesn't make sense for someone to do that to someone they love, but I just learned it does happen. LOL
Hang in there buddy, you are doing great!
I LOVE your GAL activities! So jealous! What were you cooking for dinner that smelled so good?
JB, it isn’t over until it’s over even when we think it is and they have said so. My X continues to try and get me to dance to her tune upon the triangle. One cannot dance if one does not hear the tune. Stay the course.
She has to decide to stop dancing. I think you have shown her many times she safely can.
My X purchased a house about a year prior to filing. She worked it out so that it was all her debt and I had no claim upon it. For reasons I have ceased to attempt to fathom she believed it would have equity and wanted to exclude me from making a claim against it as a marital asset. So it is possible to purchase a house outside of the marriage while still being married, at least in Ohio. She did the same with a new car. At least I have some idea how my support payments are being consumed
NTX - Once again I appreciate you stopping in and commenting.
Supposedly she has continengies in her offer that we have some sort of an agreement in place. My W is not typically very adept at laying out a strategy to get something she wants. This appears to be an impulsive decision and that's probably the case.
There hasn't been anything filed. If one of us were to file, I've understood from my L that all assets and purchases are frozen anyway.
There's been some recent development I'll post about in a bit here that may be consistent with that she probably doesn't have a clear strategy.
From the emotional side, the signs and interactions are all still confusing, isn't it? She's cordial and friendly at times, and then she mentions the D paperwork. I feel terrible for you, I know that roller coaster all too well.
Yes, it is confusing. I've often wondered if she never expected me to make the changes in myself that I did. She is seeing and liking many or some of the changes, but then sees the need to bring me down to her level of misery.
Just a theory.
And as always, thanks for the encouragement.
My S and I do, too! It's nice having pretty close and having season passes!
I LOVE your GAL activities! So jealous! What were you cooking for dinner that smelled so good?
Thanks for saying that, vero!! It made me feel good when I read it.
I was making shrimp scampi. Unfortunately, I had to fess up and admit it was one of those frozen skillet meals in the bag.
JS, I always appreciate you stopping in and appreciate your wisdom.
JB, it isn’t over until it’s over even when we think it is and they have said so.
You're right, and I try to keep that perspective.
She has to decide to stop dancing. I think you have shown her many times she safely can.
Hmmm...you're probably right on that one...I think she may have pushed me to the point where I'm no longer willing to play by her agenda.
I think your W and mine must somehow be related. My W has already sold the car she was driving and bought a new one. Now she has a contingency offer in on the house. I not planning on doing petty things to keep her from moving forward on it. But I'm not going to drop everything either to help her out.
I've had a few developments over the last week. The most significant one occurred today.
I finally received the draft settlement agreement from my L. My L indicated this is a proposal and she didn't think I would agree to it. It's not horrible, but I have a page and a half so far of handwritten notes of questions and things I would like to change. I am looking at it right now as the worst case scenario. How is this hitting me emotionally? Good question, thanks for asking. Frankly, I'm still trying to figure that out. It didn't have nearly the impact it would've had 15 months ago when I was originally supposed to receive it. Part of me is just weary of being a married bachelor.
Part of me is a little ticked
that she can actually ask for some of this stuff and get away with it. Part of me realizes this is just another step of many in the process. I think I need to process this for awhile before I get together with my L and counter.
Last week, we had a doctor appointment for my S. It was a yearly checkup. We got into the discussion about his supposed "anger" issues. My W had to talk about it, but I don't see the issues at the level if at all that she does. The doctor recommended a C. I will work on getting something set up. Hopefully we can get to the point of the real issue. Noteworthy - the doctor did ask if he showed these issues around any particular person. The answer was OM.
Speaking of OM, my S indicated on the way to the doctor that he thought OM and W had broke up. On the way home, I asked him how he felt about it. He said he was kinda glad. He said he wanted Mom to be happy. I just told him it wasn't anybody's job but her own to make her happy.
Confession time: On a brilliant moment last Thursday night, I decided to go against my own advice and the advice of many on this MB, and I perused my W's FB page. I saw a ILY post on her wall from OM. No responses to it. So either they are still together or it was begging and pleading on his part. I also checked out his page. I noticed he has his employer listed as Farmville.
He's also 7 years youngger than my W. Oh well, I shoudn't have gone there, but I did.
My W interrupted my weekend with my S this last weekend. She sent me a text asking for her W2s and 1099s (supposedly for the house) and asked if she could have my S for Sunday afternoon so he could visit with his favorite cousin. Seems like I always get ticked
when she texts and asks for something. I thought it through, however, and agreed to let her have my S for Sunday afternoon. I'm going to need her to be flexible at times, too. I told her she could pick him up after church - then she wanted me to go to the earlier service. I finally thought that through and worked it out so I could take a 50 mile ride on Sunday afternoon.
Still GAL'ing of course. I took my S to a minor league playoff game on Sunday night. Last Thursday I went for a group bike ride. Yesterday was a solo ride, but it was still a nice day. 3 mile run last Wednesday morning.
NTX, as always, thanks for checking in with me. I'll post a more thorough update when I'm able to. I've been really busy with GAL'ing and work has been keeping me extremely busy as well.
In a nutshell, I will meet with my L next Tuesday to go over the paperwork. In advance of that, I am going to try to get an email out to my L with my questions and changes.
Interactions with my W have been pleasant for the most part. Last week, we had a text argument. It boiled down to that I didn't like the way she was communication (or more appropriately not communicating) with me. What's different now is I am no longer afraid to call her out on it. (What's she going to do, D me?!?!) It would behoove us to work through these communication issues whether a miracle occurs and we end up back together or we are coparents.
jb, just wanted to post a bit of a reality check here.
You indicated that you let your W have S for a Sunday and rationalized it as though you are being generous in advance of you needing her to be flexible on schedule in the future.
That is one thing I used to do and finally admit that any generosity on my part is generally not reciprocated.
I'm not saying to not be generous, I'm just saying don't expect reciprocation.
Hope you are doing well.
oh, just to focus on this for a moment:
Interactions with my W have been pleasant for the most part. Last week, we had a text argument. It boiled down to that I didn't like the way she was communication (or more appropriately not communicating) with me.
Kimmerz wrote about that type of thing in her thread in MLC. Check it out, it's a more recent post.
Just to remind you that in our situations, the push/pull dynamic is still in play. Sometimes, maybe conscious... sometimes, maybe not so much...
It might feel good to point that stuff out to your W now and then. In the end though, it could very well be a pointless endeavour which will only be resolved if and when it is resolved, which will be entirely up to your W to choose to stop that cycle.
I've personally just given to the fact that it continues to be the "new norm" for my W. Maybe, one day, that will change.
Thanks for stopping in, KD! It's good to hear from you.
You indicated that you let your W have S for a Sunday and rationalized it as though you are being generous in advance of you needing her to be flexible on schedule in the future.
That is one thing I used to do and finally admit that any generosity on my part is generally not reciprocated.
I'm not saying to not be generous, I'm just saying don't expect reciprocation.
I hear you, KD. The reason for rationalization was to quell my own anger. I was getting ticked about her jacking up my schedule. Of the two of us, I am without question the more structured one. I probably should have qualified that - she has been and continues to be very flexible and accommodating with me. I just got her to switch weekends with me with no issue last week.
oh, just to focus on this for a moment:
Interactions with my W have been pleasant for the most part. Last week, we had a text argument. It boiled down to that I didn't like the way she was communication (or more appropriately not communicating) with me.
Kimmerz wrote about that type of thing in her thread in MLC. Check it out, it's a more recent post.
Just to remind you that in our situations, the push/pull dynamic is still in play. Sometimes, maybe conscious... sometimes, maybe not so much...
It might feel good to point that stuff out to your W now and then. In the end though, it could very well be a pointless endeavour which will only be resolved if and when it is resolved, which will be entirely up to your W to choose to stop that cycle.
I've personally just given to the fact that it continues to be the "new norm" for my W. Maybe, one day, that will change.
The whole point of this is I had lived in fear for the last several years. I was afraid if I ticked my W off, she'd leave. I think we can all see now how well that worked for me.
She left anyway! Now that I no longer have that fear and I've got nothing to lose, I have this new found freedom where I can speak my mind and state my position. I should have been doing this all along.
Another thing along the lines of communication. I think one thing I'm doing here, too, is setting expectations I've never had of her before. Not so sure how that's going to go. It's like she's never communicated that well before, how can I expect to force her to be a better communicator now? There are some things that are just common courtesy that unfortunately I am going to have to spell out for her, and I'll probably get mixed results.
jb - I can sense you are getting close to where I was. You seem to be more confident and empowered, and not afraid of the future no matter what happens. Good for you! This will be beneficial for you no matter what direction things go.
jb - I can sense you are getting close to where I was. You seem to be more confident and empowered, and not afraid of the future no matter what happens. Good for you! This will be beneficial for you no matter what direction things go.
Thanks NTX. That sounds pretty accurate from my point of view. Really I find myself becoming less and less concerned with what my W thinks of who I am or what I'm doing. I'm more concerned with becoming the man I want to be and frankly, the man God wants me to be.
Well, I was supposed to have an appointment with my L to go over the paperwork this morning. We had a scheduling mix up, and now we're rescheduled for this afternoon. I did send my L a list of 19 changes / questions on the document. I loathe dealing with this stuff, but I imagine it's a sick person who really enjoys dealing with this.
Every once in awhile, I get little nuggets of data about my W offered up by S. Apparently, she has backed out on the house she had made an offer on. That may be why she hasn't asked for the tax information again lately.
Supposedly she had broken it off with OM, but she's also still hanging around with him. So who knows what the truth is?
It really doesn't matter at this point, because she has not said anything at all about him. This is all just data right now.
We did have a major communication issue the last weekend she had my S. We have an informal agreement that my S would be home by 6 on Sunday evening when she has him. It got to 6:45 and I hadn't heard anything.
I ended up initiating the text. She indicated they were going to have dinner and they were just leaving. She asked if 8:30 would be OK. I asked her to try to make it earlier if possible. Bottom line is the informal agreement isn't working for me and we need to formalize it for my sake.
I haven't let off the gas in the GAL'ing arena. I've been on several group rides, ran a 5K, met up with folks for dinner a couple of times, out tearing it up with my S :), keeping the Chipotle at school tradition up with my S, being a part of the church groups, and I'll go ahead and throw in some high speed go kart racing.
I'm also planning on scraping up the funds to go back on the Belize mission trip again next February.
I saw my W once last week and had a brief interaction and I haven't seen her since. I did text with her last week and arrange to swap weekends with her so I can have my S this weekend for a father / kids campout at church (we actually have some land and woods at my church). She easily agreed but then followed up on why I didn't voluntarily give her any 'maintenance' this month. I laid out the financials - she had owed me some money. She seemed moderately satisfied with my explanation. Money was something I'd always handled anyway.
Just my hardline opinion - you need to stop the voluntary maintenance ASAP. Let her start to realize what life is going to be like without the good man jb around as her safety net.
You're probably right, NTX, although it is less than what she's asking for. I also have this on my list of discussion items with my L.
If you really want to play hardball, ask if that can be applied as credit towards what you may eventually be ordered to pay.
I wasn't sure if Ohio had spousal support and/or alimony.
Texas only grants support, and only until the divorce is final.
NTX - that specific item is actually on my list. And yes, Ohio has spousal support.
Sorry man. I hate that it's gotten this far for you. There's still hope though, even this late in the process.
Hang in there!!
There's still hope though, even this late in the process.
You would know, wouldn't you?
I am just looking at this as a step in the process. It's a necessary step at this point. I'm not looking too far down the road and I haven't resigned hope yet. However, I do know I will be fine either way.
Quick update: I met with my L today. She was of the opinion my W and her L were asking for more than the court would allow in a D. Anyway, we're going to ask for some more data from my W and counter back in a couple weeks.
I hate this stuff, but I'm afraid it's a necessary evil. I have to take of myself and my S.
Again, to me it's just another step, but who knows what the future holds? I'll just continue this momentum with my new life I've built since this whole mess started.
Hi JB
Just checking in, see you are moving along, time sure is flying, isnt it?
Hi JB
Just checking in, see you are moving along, time sure is flying, isnt it?
gunny, thanks for checking in. All I can say is it's been quite a haul, and it ain't over yet.
I've been away for awhile now. There hasn't been too much significantly new with one potential exception - I post separately on that one. It seems like I see my W about once or twice a week. I am still waiting to hear from my L after our last meeting.
I continue to GAL. I'm continuing to exercise, and completed a 64 mile ride last week. I am still involved in my 3 groups at church. In addition, I've been asked to help out with the Student Ministries. I'm still riding with the local cycle club and still running on a limited basis. I am planning to join the running group at my church for a 5K in a couple weeks. GAL'ing has pretty much become routine over the last year and half.
I'll have my S this coming weekend, and we have a festival, a community bonfire, church, watching the Bengals and Browns at church, and a pig roast lined up for the weekend.
I'd say you are still the GAL champ on this site. Wow!
Just reading all of your to-dos this weekend makes me exhausted. LOL
Keep up the good work.
So, I did have an atypical interaction with my W last Sunday. Who knows if it'll lead to anything. Realistically, it could lead to something good, something bad, or nothing at all. There. I have it covered.
My W dropped my S off at the house on Sunday evening. She was early (which is rare BTW) so she got there about 3 minutes before I got home from running some errands. She had mentioned something the previous Friday about trying a new church with her Mom and sister. I followed up on it. She mentioned she wasn't feeling well and didn't go. She had gone to bed about 9pm and didn't get up until after 10am on Sunday. She was complaining about swelling of her hands and feet and sickness to her stomach.
On her way out, she asked if she could refill her water for the trip home. She got and remarked how clean the house was compared to her place. I just said, "Thanks!". She went on to say how she really needs to make some changes in her life. She's overweight, not eating healthy, and really doesn't feel good much of the time. I don't know if this was the best thing to say and it probably wasn't, but I mentioned how I felt better now physically than when I was in my 30s. I had intended it as encouragement for her to start doing a better job of taking care of herself. She then went on made a remark how I now have all of these friends, and I'm the one with all the friends and she has no friends.
<-- That one got to me. It broke my heart.
I know you reap what you sow, but it saddens me she has to learn the hard lessons.
She had asked for a box of Halloween decorations and helped her carry it to her car. We continued our discussion. She really seemed to be worried about her health. She again mentioned needing to make some changes and maybe getting involved in a church in her area and making some friends.
BTW - for those following along, the house she'd put an offer in fell through due to what the inspection turned up.
Anyway, I don't know where this is heading if anywhere at all. I've sort of been before.
The facts are she's not moving the D along as fast she intimated she wanted when this whole mess started, but she's also not blatantly moving back toward me.
It seems like the detachment, ambivalence, and heck even the being done all come and go in phases.
JB:
I, too, have been away fromt this space for a while. Circumstnances have me coming back on occasion, but mostly I am trying to GAL as much as possible (you win the prize on this one), and trying to move forward as much as possible.
I see some similarities between our sitches these days, so I thought I would tell you I know how you feel. I updated my sitch on a recent post, but the bottom line is that my STBX has been gone for about 14 months, spent several of those in depresssion, seems to have had an OM come and go, and now is working on a new temporary job in a different state. She has been contacting me sporadically, but definately more now than in the past. She talks of being lonely, feeling homeless, feeling alone, how she misses her friends. It is heartbreaking, as you say, to see her learning the hard lessons. I get the vibe that she wants to hear from me, but will pull away if I get too close. I do not initiate most contact, but let her do it as much as possible. Gunny tells me I need to detach more, but I told her from the beginning that I would be there for her, and cannot just cut her out.
She has a major decision to make at the end of this temp job in late December. She can get her old job back here, which she loves, or she can move on elsewhere permannently. It is hard for me to understand what I should do here....it is her decision, and I should not interfere.
The ups and downs are amazing, and hard to watch. Just wanted to tell you that I understand what you are going through on this one. Hang in there, and enjoy the time with your little one.....
I'd say you are still the GAL champ on this site. Wow!
Just reading all of your to-dos this weekend makes me exhausted. LOL
Keep up the good work.
Thanks NTX!
Thanks for stopping in, AC. It's good to hear from you.
Yes, it is hard to watch. TBH, I see another side of this, too. My W continues to appear to be on track for some serious health issues down the road. Not saying I won't have any, but she's doing a lot of things wrong. Now I wouldn't have turned my back on her if it was up to me. However, since she is still pursuing a D, she may be in effect relieving of that liability. You can't help someone who doesn't want help.
Take care AC!
A little bit of minor drama last night...
I didn't see my W, but my S was with my W last night. My S was under the impression my W was taking him to the Reds playoff game and they were going with OM. When it came time to leave, my S was very much upset, and it was because he thought OM was going to be at the Reds game with them. I did ask him if he communicated being upset about the situation with W, and he hadn't. I ended up telling he should go with W, as he had already committed to it.
I received a text from him later. He was fine. They did not go to the Reds game. He said in his text he was afraid they were going to the Reds game and going with OM. He didn't want to be embarassed by OM.
It's sad to hear that this is having an impact on your S.
The fact that he has a negative opinion of the OM, and the fact you are seeing visible negative changes in the W speaks volumes. You are a good man and doing things right. Her negatives define her and is no reflection on you.
J B where are you my brother, your the Galing man of the hour.
J B where are you my brother, your the Galing man of the hour.
OLW I'm still lurking. I do need to post an update and start a new thread.
I've exceeded 100 posts, and I've finally carved out the time to start a new thread.
This is continued in
Trying not to lose my way in the ultramarathondbmod - You may feel free to lock this thread at your convenience.