I had 112 posts on my other thread, so it's time for me to start a new one. Here's the link to my last thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2260139&page=11 You should be able to get to my other threads from there.
To catch everyone up…
H announce at the beginning of January that he was done – we were incompatible. Found out a week later about OW. Found DB not too long after that.
H was supposed to move out at the beginning of March. He didn’t. We have R conversation in April, and he says he still wants out, but doesn't go anywhere. H has knee surgery in May and I play nursemaid. As far as I know he has made no plans to move out.
We had a R talk last week, and H still doesn’t want to try. I ask him why he’s still here. He says something about making sure all of the bills were caught up before he left and he wanted to save some money to move with. I told him I understood he was where he was, but I was not there yet, and still believed we could make this work, but I couldn’t stop him from leaving.
During these past 6 months, we’ve hung out together, ML more than in the past 2 years combined, and basically continued to be married. I am not sure if OW is out of the picture completely, but I as far as I know he hasn’t seen her since February. They were still talking every day, though, according to him a few weeks ago. Then last week during our R talk, I asked him if he still planned to move with her (I’m not sure if he knew that I knew this was the plan or not). He gives me this look and says, “Things have changed with that.” What does that mean???
He still tells me he loves me every day. Gives me hugs and kisses without me having to ask for it. He takes care of me when I’m sick, buys/cooks food for me, and last night helped me do my laundry because I was having back pain. But still says he wants to leave.
I go through spurts where I feel like I need to DO something, but I have some good friends who talk me off that ledge most of the time. So…I’m just going to keep DBing and get my own life together. That includes getting back to working out, and doing more stuff for me. If I’m honest, I think I am also subconsciously preparing myself emotionally for his departure. How does one balance that with still trying to save their M?
H went out with some guys from his old job last night. A guy showed up with the group that is always rude to him. The guy was still rude last night and said something offensive to H. H ends up grabbing the guy by his collar then starts choking him. They have to pull H off the guy and he was asked to leave by the waiter.
H doesn't really remember any of this. He says he wasn't drinking and he didn't look like he had been when he got home. (He called me on his way home.) I know he's been emotional with the knee surgery & recovery going so slow, and with the passing of his aunt. But I've never seen him like that and have never heard him say he's acted like that before. He did say he was embarassed that he let himself get that angry.
We're supposed to be hanging out today since he decided we were not going to the family gathering earlier yesterday. (Family drama) He's out getting breakfast for us now. I'm just going with the flow at this point. I told some friends that I think he might be cracking up. LOL
doesn't sound like he's coping very well Ro.
I know. But the only thing I can do is stand by and watch. There's not much I can do buy be here when he wants to talk, and let it all out. I'm hoping this was an isolated incident.
I would also consider, if you can, holding a pic of him in your mind and sending him love and acceptance when you think of it. This is a simple, constructive thing you can do to help.
I would also consider, if you can, holding a pic of him in your mind and sending him love and acceptance when you think of it. This is a simple, constructive thing you can do to help.
I like this. I've been trying to do this, but should probably focus more on it. Today he's acting like nothing happened, and I haven't mentioned it. I think he's too busy acting like we are happily married. LOL
Nothing doing over here. I have started playing my Xbox Kinect again, but can't do much. I’ve been having more back issues lately, and have been just laying around at home mostly, which s&cks. I’m planning some trips out of town soon, and I’m excited about that. I’m going to the beach both times so it’ll be nice to get away and just relax.
My H has still being helpful, and what appears to be caring and concerned about me with all the back stuff. I know not to read too much into this. It just gets so strange to think we are acting like a perfectly happy married couple. A loving, happily married couple. It makes me laugh just thinking about it.
He hasn’t been sleeping all that well since the incident Friday night. We haven’t talked about it again, but he did mention the other day that he was up thinking about what happened. He and his mother also go into it about us not going to the family gathering because he’s upset with one of his cousins. He told me she asked him what he wanted the cousin to do to make up for what he deems as wrong doing. He said he didn’t know. (I feel the same way about our M. Right now he doesn't know of a way to make "us" better, so he'd rather there just not be an "us") He just seems really angry at certain things right now. And while I will admit, he doesn’t seem outwardly angry at me, it worries me to think how much worse it’s going to get before it gets better.
Since my H has been laid off, he’s been in cleaning mode. He mentioned the other day that he wanted to get into our storage room while it was not so hot and get it cleaned out. Of course my first thought was that he was doing this to go through his stuff in preparation for his move. But I didn’t say this to him, although I did want to ask. I just told myself that at least the storage room would be clean and I wouldn’t have to do it.
He told me today that he is planning to start cleaning out our 2nd bedroom (really a storage room/guest bedroom) next week. I said “Wow, you’ve really been in a cleaning mood.” He said, “Well, I have the time, so I might as well do it now. It gets tiring spending all day on the computer looking for a job.” I just said okay and that I appreciated him doing it.
Again, I got a pain in my gut thinking this is about his preparation to move, but I didn’t say anything this time either. If he moves he moves. I don’t want him to, but I can’t control whether he does or not. It hurts every time I think about it, but it is what it is. Eventually the pain will go away. I’m only doing what I can do right now. And that’s trying to be loving and caring to someone is so clearly very lost.
Hey RoRo - I don't really have anything to offer today but (( ))
Also every time I see your thread title I hope that your next thread will be about a "RoRollercoaster"
What about doing something for him for cleaning out the storage rooms...or asking if he wants help...
is this something you could do together (like memory lane kind of stuff??)
or show appreciation for having him clean it out, like make him his favorite dessert or a picnic supper or maybe something you used to do when you were dating (favorite spot to eat out or something)
What about doing something for him for cleaning out the storage rooms...or asking if he wants help...
is this something you could do together (like memory lane kind of stuff??)
or show appreciation for having him clean it out, like make him his favorite dessert or a picnic supper or maybe something you used to do when you were dating (favorite spot to eat out or something)
Fig, I have been thinking about this. We could probably clean the 2nd bedroom together. But I don't want him to think it's because I'm checking up on him or making sure he does it "my" way. This used to be a thing with me, so I'll have to think about this some more.
I like the idea of doing something for him to show my appreciation. He had cleaned the living room (I mean REALLY cleaned it) when I got home yesterday. I did not expect that. I told him he's a cleaning machine. He said it needed to be done and he was here so he thought he might as do it. I just said ok, and that I appreciated it.
I was supposed to have lunch with H today, but his PT appointment ended up taking longer than he expected, so we can't do it today. If I'm honest, I will say I am disappointed, but it is what is, and I'm moving on. Not meeting up with him will give me a chance to run some errands I need to run anyway, so it works out.
I came home yesterday, and he pulled up not to long after me. I was on the opposite side of our condo building, so he stopped in the middle of the street to wave hello to me, then waited for me to get to the door before he went in. I thought it was a nice gesture and told him so.
H is going out of town tomorrow night for his music stuff. He was almost giddy when I got home telling me about it. He's been waiting to get studio time and finally got the call from his friend. So he went to pick up dinner for us to celebrate. We talked a bunch about the music stuff and I told him I was glad he was finally getting into the studio to put some tracks down.
I did ask him who was going to also be there. He'll be in NC, only about an hour and change away from OW. He listed the friends who would be coming through and I asked him if they were all staying with his friend. He said probably not, but he was. He said it in a definite kind of way. Strange. I almost asked him if he planned to see OW while he was down there, but I held off and one of my friends talked me off that ledge last night. LOL If he does, there's nothing I can do about it. But I do plan on having a good time myself this weekend.
He told me again last night that I should do a spa day or something for myself. I told him I might just do that this weekend, but had to see how much extra money I would have left. He said he got paid today and could put something towards helping me. I said thank you and I'd let him know what I wanted to do.
I went to bed early last night because my back was hurting. After his shower, he came into the bedroom and asked me if I needed anything. I said no, I was fine. He then came over to the bed and kissed me. (This is the second time this week he's done that)
I know not to get too excited about any of this. I realized something this morning. While I am enjoying the time we are spending together and the hugs, kisses, and ILYs, I'm not waiting for it like I used to. Feels strange, but good.
One other thing...
Both H and I love anything related to music. So we've gone to a lot of concerts. Normally I ask him if he wants to go. He says yes, and I buy the tickets. Two of our favorite artists are coming to the area next month. One hasn't been on tour in like 10 years.
H tells me last night about the concert. I tell him I know. I already got the early bird ticket invitation. LOL Then I notice he's giving me this look like, you I want to go to this concert, but you're not asking me to about it. I give him a look like I know you want to go to the concert, but I'm not asking you to go. LOL
It was too funny to me. I am going to go to the concert, if I have to go alone. I considered asking him, but haven't decided yet.
That is a funny moment. Interesting how they want to deny that we share common interests. Maybe he will invite you? You never know - give him time.
Enjoy the kisses. Enjoy every minute of it. I dont get kisses but my H does bring me coffee so I just enjoy that
Thanks BK. It's going to snow in August if he orders tickets and invites me to that concert. LOL He almost never plans events for us. He used to, but hasn't in a very long time.
well just imagine him doing it - might surprise. otherwise go with a friend.
you're sounding good roro - and nice reaction from you with the kisses
hope you're well
zig
Hey zig! I'm trying.
Ended up getting two invitations for the weekend - for lunch with a friend and her kids (she's a LBS too), and on a dinner cruise for another friend's daughter's 16 birthday. If my back holds up, I should stay busy enough and not have time to wonder what H is doing.
good for you. i got invited by a friend to go out tomorrow, also. really looking forward to it.
what's up with your back? i notice you mention it pretty often -
hope your back holds up - because you need those outings to keep you in a good place.
have fun
zig
I hurt my back in April being clumsy and its been giving me a fit ever since. I'm in physical therapy for it now. The pain can go from a dull ache to searing pain in a matter of minutes. It [censored] because I can't work out like I want to. Pretty much by the time I get home its all I can do to make it to the couch.
oh gosh, i know that feeling!
can you make it to a yoga mat?
no seriously - when s was about 8 months old i fell down a full flight of stairs hitting the bottom step with my spine, as i had curled up my body to protect him. i couldn't stand up straight! a few weeks later a friend suggested yoga - and three months later i didn't have any pain.
when i first started i could barely do anything - and the teacher told me to just do what i could. it was crazy but week by week i could do more and more and then by the second month i was almost able to do everything. those yoga teachers are amazing at figuring out which of the stretches help the fastest.
hope you do feel rested up and in good shape for your weekend fun.
zig
Yoga is great! It's all about what you can do in the moment and not about pressuring yourself to do more - you accept what your body is capable of that day and that is good enough for that day. Self-forgiveness and acceptance... just like DB'ing
Sorry to hear about your back - is it muscular? Maybe some flexeril might help acute attacks?
i do yoga, too! i love it! i am stretching and strengthing and it's relaxing, too. i highly recommend it!
I've been thinking about doing yoga or barre exercises, but both just seem so expensive to me. I'm still looking into it. Hopefully I can find somewhere that won't cost my who paycheck to join. I need to do something to stay in some kind of shape. (Not that I'm in good shape now, but better than I was before the bomb drop)
Flexeril is the only thing saving my life right now. I try not to take it every day as I don't have a refill for it, but I've had to take it almost every night this week. :-(
H had told me earlier in the week that he wanted some seafood and would cook dinner on Thursday. We talked yesterday around 4pm, and I ask him what he decided to cook for dinner. He was like What? He had completely forgot that he had said he would cook. Before, I would have been upset, mad, disappointed, you name it. This time I just laughed. He said he'd figure out dinner. I told him whatever he wanted was fine. He ended up going for pizza and wings. He drove 15 mins out of the way to get the wings from this place we both like. He also went and got this particular juice that I like.
It trips me out that for someone who wants to leave so bad, he's doing all of this stuff. Things he used to do when we were dating, but wasn't doing BEFORE the bomb drop. I know I should just be enjoying the moment, but there's sometimes this question in the back of my mind: Why is he doing it? To soften the blow of something coming? I'm working on just living in the moment and letting that be enough. It's hard though.
I had PT this morning, then went back home to change and say goodbye to H. I am feeling a little anxiety about whether he will see OW this weekend, but I'm not sure if it's true anxiety or if I just feel like I "should" be anxious. Does that even make sense? I did ask him if he was going to this other city nearby(the city where we met and went to school). It's also where he used to tell me he was going to see his friends, when I believe he was actually with OW some of the time. But I digress...
My back is feeling a lot better after PT this morning. I'm looking forward to going home after work and getting some sleep. I didn't really rest well last night because of my back, and having the whole bed to myself will be GREAT. LOL
maybe check groupon or living social - sometimes you can get a yoga class card for cheap on there!
maybe check groupon or living social - sometimes you can get a yoga class card for cheap on there!
I did this once before. I need to look again. Thanks for the reminder!
i pay about $10 a class - check out your local co-ops and health food store and ask them there.
alternative medicine doc offices sometimes have individual yoga instructors leaving their info there
I've done yoga before but I'm not really into it. Anyhow, u can get dvd's pretty cheap and can do them at your house. If you want to be even more frugal you can youtube yoga workouts and do them at your house.
I've done yoga before but I'm not really into it. Anyhow, u can get dvd's pretty cheap and can do them at your house. If you want to be even more frugal you can youtube yoga workouts and do them at your house.
Thanks SIAS! I didn't like it at first either, but it helped with my soreness from kickboxing so I used to do it at least once a week.
I did think about that. My problem is I become lazy once I get home. That's why I always worked out right after work. I had to pass the gym to go home. I have WAY to many workout DVDs that I don't use. LOL Maybe if I could find a beginner one that went REALLY slow.
Why don't they do standing yoga? LOL
[quote=RoRoinMD My problem is I become lazy once I get home. [/quote]
I totally get that ^^^^ It takes a lot of discipline to work out at home regularly.
My problem is I become lazy once I get home.
I totally get that ^^^^ It takes a lot of discipline to work out at home regularly.
OCD in me had to fix that
Funny about having the whole bed to yourself! If ONLY I didn't have the whole bed to myself!
I'd even welcome back the snoring. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe the quiet really is nice. Lol!!
i'm laughing at that - i HATED the snoring - i would actually lay there fuming about it.
now of course - it's been so long - i'm not sure i'd welcome it back.
i've slept so well since h left and since i had a sleep disorder, that is a significant statement for me!!
now about the bed to myself - that i'd definitely like to change - and i don't mean s falling asleep there at the end of a movie late at night either!!! haha
RoRo - maybe if you don't think of it asa big long workout, but just do simple stretches for 5 minutes at a time - then your body will start to ask for more, and you won't see it as something that you should do, but more something that you want to do and then it gets easy to take the time to do it.
and yes there is standing yoga.
also - if you haven't done it before - it's better to start with a teacher. because you'll get it right. there are many small things they don't tell you on the videos that you should be doing so you don't hurt your wrists and knees
hope you're feeling better today
zig
And there is yoga for back care. As zig says, do as much or as little as you want (I know, this is difficult for people like us who must set a goal and achieve it, or else). If you feel like doing 5 minutes, do 5 if you feel like doing 8 minutes, that's fine, too.
i'm laughing at that - i HATED the snoring - i would actually lay there fuming about it.
Me, too!
I hated the snoring too, but since the bomb drop I've made an effort to not complain about it. And guess what? I get the best sleep (most days) now. Not sure if I switched something in my brain or not, but I barely even hear it now. Is that good or bad? LOL
i would say it's good!
the more we can detach from things and not have a reaction to them that's weighted - the more we are grounded in ourselves and okay where we are, i think. and that even includes things like snoring.
only now, i see what the real effects of laying there fuming really were. so for hours, i lay there feeling more and more resentful with my perceived thoughts of how h was disturbing my sleep and did not care that he was doing that. can't imagine what state i was in by the morning with all that resentment sub-consciously piled up. and then i can't help wondering how that resentment affected my interactions through the day.
so if you've managed not to have that as an issue, i think that's really great.
i would say it's good!
the more we can detach from things and not have a reaction to them that's weighted - the more we are grounded in ourselves and okay where we are, i think. and that even includes things like snoring.
only now, i see what the real effects of laying there fuming really were. so for hours, i lay there feeling more and more resentful with my perceived thoughts of how h was disturbing my sleep and did not care that he was doing that. can't imagine what state i was in by the morning with all that resentment sub-consciously piled up. and then i can't help wondering how that resentment affected my interactions through the day.
so if you've managed not to have that as an issue, i think that's really great.
I can totally relate to having resentment over this. And I know it colored our interactions. But I can only learn from it, and move on. I know he's noticed I don't say anything about him snoring anymore, because I don't constantly wake him up in the middle of the night. Of course, he's not going to say anything about it. LOL
plus...they aren't snoring on purpose!!!
plus...they aren't snoring on purpose!!!
Fig, I think we all KNEW that, but didn't really care. LOL It did seem like a personal offense to me. Now, it's whatever. I need to use my time sleeping so I can look hot the next day. LOL
ha ha!! you do need to look hot the next day -we all do!!
so here's what bothered me - h as well as his father have unusually abnormal breathing patterns. it wasn't just the snoring - he practically stopped breathing, and it worried me no end. he wouldn't go in to get it checked out. i would often have to shake him to get him breathing again
the stupid thing is that his father would snore so bad that h would complain about it and when i would try to say that he was the same he would get really scornful.
then finally his dad found some device that hooked over his nose and the whole house was quiet!! mil finally got to have a full nights' sleep.
h on the other hand wouldn't even consider trying it - he just got mad at me and said there was no way in hell he was going to even look into it. the way i took it was - you don't care about me enough to even try it out!!
i know - pathetic. on top of it, he resented it that i would eventually leave the room - like at 4 in the morning and go sleep in another part of the house just to get some sleep. he ridiculed me when i couldn't wake up in the morning because i had been up until 4 or 5 unable to sleep because of the sound as well as worrying that he would stop breathing
so yeah - he wasn't doing it on purpose - but he was deliberately refusing to do anything about it!!
how does one work around that, i wonder!!!!
Just as you did, move to the other room.
And you wouldn't have had to shake him, he'd arouse enough to breath. Could also explain his moodiness and depression.
labug - i'll answer that on my thread so i don't keep hijacking here
Zig, no worries about the hijack! I need all the help/info I can get. LOL
Journaling (this is a long one)...
I had a pretty good weekend. H left Friday morning for NC. He called me several times throughout his drive down, and later Friday night. I got home Friday, and found that my A/C was not working. I hit Google and figured out what I thought was the problem. I didn’t want to call H just about that. When he called to say good night, I told him about it, but said I was hopeful it would be fine the next day. I was really very nonchalant about it, which probably seemed strange to him. Before the bomb drop, I would have been livid, demanding he do something about it, even being 5 hours away. I totally wasn’t like that. He asked what I was going to do. I told him take a muscle relaxer and go to bed. He said well if you need to go buy another fan or something go ahead. I just told him I was fine. By Saturday morning, I had cool air again. GO ME!
Saturday morning I went for a massage. Lord I needed that! Then I took my self to brunch (egg & ham sandwich & tomato soup from Panera). I NEVER would have mixed up breakfast and lunch like that. Crazy right? I’m WAY more open to things than I was before BD. Just something else I’m noticing about myself, and I LOVE IT!
One of my closest friends here gave her daughter a dinner cruise for her 16th birthday, and they invited me, so I went to that Saturday night. I had fun. I’ve known the friend since the daughter was 4, so I did get a little teary eyed throughout the night. The friend was also a WAS in her first marriage, and I helped her through that. I finally told her a little of what has been going on with H and I, and she told me I was there for her, and she’d be here for me…with the caveat that she hopes we stay together. LOL Her H is retiring from the military next month, and we’ve been invited to the party. H said he definitely wanted to go to that. She said she was glad we were both coming, although she knew I would have gone alone, or with someone else. I love my friends. LOL
H called me several times Saturday. He called right after I got out of my massage and sounded a little perturbed that I didn’t pick up the phone when he called. Whatevs. They had bad storms where he was Saturday night and he sent me a text saying he couldn’t get reception, but he’d call me as soon as the storm let up. I finally called him around 1 am and he didn’t answer. He called me back like a minute later. Apparently he had been outside trying to call me and couldn’t get through, but noticed he had missed a call from me so he decided to try again.
He’s really excited about all of the things happening with his music. I validated as much as I could, and told him I was excited too about the opportunities that were coming his way. He told me that his friend would email him the beats they had come up with and he’d let me hear them as soon as he got home Sunday. (And he did!)
He got home really late due to him not feeling well and not wanting to drive like that. I was a little irritated and it showed when he called me at 5pm to tell me he was headed back. He had originally told me he wanted to be back by then. I felt bad about it, but couldn’t take it back, so I just told myself that I need to watch my expectations, and moved on. He called me a few hours into his trip to tell me he had gotten stopped by a State Trooper because his brake light was out. Luckily the trooper let him change the bulb right there and he didn’t get a ticket ($70!). He said he just wanted to call and tell me that. Before BD, I couldn’t even get him to call and tell me when he was leaving. He’d just send me a text.
He got home around 11:45 last night. He came right in, put his bags down, and came over to give me a kiss. We talked for over an hour about our weekends, and just random stuff. Then I realized it was 1 am and I had to get to bed. I made sure to kiss him good night. He said he was glad to be home.
I did have some moments of anxiety about the possibility of him seeing OW this weekend, but I really just had to shake myself and ask what I could do about it. Instead, I treated myself to a massage, and had some fun for a change. Boy did I need that!
Saturday morning I went for a massage. Lord I needed that! Then I took my self to brunch (egg & ham sandwich & tomato soup from Panera). I NEVER would have mixed up breakfast and lunch like that. Crazy right? I’m WAY more open to things than I was before BD. Just something else I’m noticing about myself, and I LOVE IT!
You'll love this-I read the above and thought, "you can't have egg & ham sandwich and tomato soup together!
Love your new confidence and rolling with it attitude.
"you can't have egg & ham sandwich and tomato soup together!"
heck yes you can - if you don't mind a good dose of heartburn for dessert!!
i eat raw carrots for breakfast - because i'm too lazy to get anything else, especially when i'm on my own. oh and celery...
roro - i loved your post - happy times! and good girl, treated yourself to a massage....
Saturday morning I went for a massage. Lord I needed that! Then I took my self to brunch (egg & ham sandwich & tomato soup from Panera). I NEVER would have mixed up breakfast and lunch like that. Crazy right? I’m WAY more open to things than I was before BD. Just something else I’m noticing about myself, and I LOVE IT!
You'll love this-I read the above and thought, "you can't have egg & ham sandwich and tomato soup together!
Love your new confidence and rolling with it attitude.
Funny! I'm loving it too.
"you can't have egg & ham sandwich and tomato soup together!"
heck yes you can - if you don't mind a good dose of heartburn for dessert!!
i eat raw carrots for breakfast - because i'm too lazy to get anything else, especially when i'm on my own. oh and celery...
roro - i loved your post - happy times! and good girl, treated yourself to a massage....
No heartburn for me! That massage was the BUSINESS! LOL
H seems to be in a bad mood or something tonight. I called while I was at work to check-in and he sounded strange. I asked him about it, and he said he was fine, so I didn't think anymore about it. I get home, and he's acting moody. Tells me he hurt his back after he got off the phone with me. He did volunteer that he was sleepy/groggy when he talked to me earlier and that's why he sounded funny.
Now normally our R dynamic is that we both allow the other person's mood/emotions to dictate how we feel or react. I'm determined not to do that tonight. I cooked lasagna for dinner, which he thanked me for, and I have been relatively upbeat & happy. I gave him some Aleve and suggested he take a hot shower and head to bed early to catch up on his rest, and he's doing just that.
Maybe HE has PMS? LOL
Yes, have those hormones checked! ;/
maybe offer him some brownies, or cookies?
Yes, do something nice but completely unexpected.
I actually brought him cookies home from the grocery store. He seems to have perked up some after his shower. I just sat and watched Sports Center with him for a little while. I almost never do that!
why don't you really go for it and offer him a massage
very evil grin...............
.opportunity to make a mistake.................
even more evil grin
yikes i'm awful!!
you are tooooo nice RoRo
Hey Ro, glad you are doing so well. Its such a conscious effort to choose our own emotions and responses separate from what goes on around us but its very liberating!
Hope you have a great day!
why don't you really go for it and offer him a massage
very evil grin...............
.opportunity to make a mistake.................
even more evil grin
yikes i'm awful!!
you are tooooo nice RoRo
The last time I offered to give him a massage, he said no. Gonna wait a while before I ask again. Although, I did have other plans for him last night. ;-) Stupid back problems! LOL
Was the "too nice" thing a compliment or you telling me to worry about myself? *shrug*
Hey Ro, glad you are doing so well. Its such a conscious effort to choose our own emotions and responses separate from what goes on around us but its very liberating!
Hope you have a great day!
Thanks Ces! It is very liberating! Now if I could remember to do it all the time! LOL
Stop the negative-focus on the positive.
If their were no knee or back problems this thread might be locked up by dbmod. lol.
the too nice comment?
i think it was just part of the goofing around.
but when i read it now again, what came to mind was : we are ALL too nice here to our WAS's. - as we strive to live from our higher selves
as for taking care of yourself - i think you are doing a very nice job of it lately RoRo
Stop the negative-focus on the positive.
Got it! (You know me too well!)
If their were no knee or back problems this thread might be locked up by dbmod. lol.
LOL! It's always something. Going to think of something for tonight. Maybe I'll go home early???
the too nice comment?
i think it was just part of the goofing around.
but when i read it now again, what came to mind was : we are ALL too nice here to our WAS's. - as we strive to live from our higher selves
as for taking care of yourself - i think you are doing a very nice job of it lately RoRo
Thanks, zig! I've been not nice for so long, it actually feels good to do the opposite. I am enjoying pampering myself some. Never took time to do it before...hardly EVER!
Also, I think I got a a$$ backwards invite from H. He's been talking about The Dark Knight movie that's coming out this weekend for WEEKS! Last week during a conversation he gave me this strange look and said, "You know I'm going to watch the other two movies again before I see the new one." I just said, "Ok." He kept looking at me and said, "You know I have to see them." I was like of course you do. You love those movies.
So last night, while we were watching TV, a commercial for the movie came on. He says something about buying tickets (again with the strange look). He said they had been on sale for a few weeks. I asked him if HE had bought them yet, since he kept talking about it. He immediately pulls out his phone and starts looking for tickets. I then remember I can get cheaper tickets through my job, so I did offer to do that. Then he says they are showing the other 2 movies before hand starting at 6 pm Thursday evening (again with this look). I said Oh yeah, I saw that when we went to the movies the other week. I said, well you had already said you wanted to see all 3 of them, and this is perfect. Then I say and what time does the new one start? He tells me 12 midnight. I jokingly say of course you want to go do all of them, and end the conversation.
Why can't he just come out and ask me to go if he wants me to go? He's crazy! LOL
maybe he is very insecure and doesn't know if you want to be with him because he has been a jackwagon
maybe he is waiting for some sort of sign that you would like to do this with him
maybe he is waiting for YOU to make a move to let him know that he is welcome to make a move too
maybe he is very insecure and doesn't know if you want to be with him because he has been a jackwagon
maybe he is waiting for some sort of sign that you would like to do this with him
maybe he is waiting for YOU to make a move to let him know that he is welcome to make a move too
Fig, I think it was all of the above. We got the tickets today, but he had counted on me getting the tickets. I asked him if I was suppose to be getting the tickets. He said yes, and he would pay for them. Why couldn't he just say that the other day? UGH!
Here's something cute that happened: H went grocery shopping the other day, and bought me a little container of ice cream. Only when he got home he realized he picked up the wrong kind...one I probably wouldn't eat. We laughed about it, and told him I appreciated the thought. He seemed kind of disappointed that he had gotten the wrong kind, but I tried to downplay it, because it really wasn't that big of a deal. Plus, it was a kind he would probably eat, so it worked out. LOL
Ro,
Your H and mine sound so similar, it's not even funny (well, it is).
Just catching up on what I've been missing. Lots of positives, both sitch-wise and also about you and your attitude. I love reading about your confidence and open mind, and your strength to keep going and not letting anything get to you. (((Ro)))
Ro, that is actually huge that you were able to laugh it off about the ice cream and focus on the good intentions. Can't speak for your H but I know in my life, I've felt beaten down at times because of how it appeared that my W would focus only on my negatives and disregard any positives until my negatives improved.
Ro,
Your H and mine sound so similar, it's not even funny (well, it is).
Just catching up on what I've been missing. Lots of positives, both sitch-wise and also about you and your attitude. I love reading about your confidence and open mind, and your strength to keep going and not letting anything get to you. (((Ro)))
It's funnier now than it was before. Maybe because I used to be so serious about stuff, and since I'm not...EVERYTHING IS FUNNY! LOL
I think H actually gets annoyed when I say something is not a big deal now. He'll get this look on his face, like he had already prepared for a fight, and since he isn't getting one, he doesn't know what to do. LOL
Ro, that is actually huge that you were able to laugh it off about the ice cream and focus on the good intentions. Can't speak for your H but I know in my life, I've felt beaten down at times because of how it appeared that my W would focus only on my negatives and disregard any positives until my negatives improved.
Ces, I worked on this with my IC, but didn't really get it until after BD. I've been trying to focus on the positives (thanks, LaBug & Ad!), and I just feel so much better.
We had a great time at the movie, although I am basically asleep on my feet today. H told me a couple of times that he appreciated me coming with him. I told him I had fun.
My plan to hang out with some friends this weekend isn't going to happen. My car keeps running hot every time I run the A/C so I may have to take it to the shop tomorrow. Can't be stranded on I-95 alone.
H and I are also supposed to go to this birthday dinner with a couple from our old church. I asked H about it a couple of weeks ago, and he didn't say yes or no. So I assumed (silly me) that the answer was no, and made my travel plans. He tells me Wednesday night that he would like to go. Gotta love the last minute thing! UGH!
Anyway, we haven't hung out with this couple since February, shortly after the BD. We had a Valentine's Day dinner with them and another couple. Luckily that's when I was sick with that virus, and could blame my demeanor on that. H was also the one who decided we were going to that dinner. It makes me really wonder how he feels about pretending things are normal.
My funny story for today from the rollercoaster:
I'm talking to H earlier today, and we are talking about what to get for dinner. We were going back and forth and then out of the blue he says, "I know I'm trying to find a good movie to watch tonight."
Huh? Is that an invitation? LOL This dude...
So did you end up getting an official invite or did you end up watching a movie together?
RoRo, I'm sorry but I had to laugh about the thing with the Valentines Day dinner and you having the virus! Must've been really tough times for you.
So you joined the forum like a month before that and were getting a little bit of the hang of what to do and what not to do?
hi RoRo - just catching up on your thread and stopping by to say hello
i also want to say thank you again. for your support. it was very kind of you.
i wish i had your sort of strength in standing up to people - i've always been good at standing up for other people, but not very good at standing up for myself in the correct ways
you sound like you are doing well - i'm glad to see that
zig
Hey Ro, so did you watch a movie together? How was the dinner with the couple from church?
Hope you have a great weekend!
So did you end up getting an official invite or did you end up watching a movie together?
Hey Ro, so did you watch a movie together? How was the dinner with the couple from church?
Hope you have a great weekend!
Hi guys! Of course I didn't get an official invitation. That would be too much like right. He didn't see any movies he liked, so we ended up watching a few episodes of Newsroom (Sundays on HBO...it's great!). We kind of just hung out, and I went to bed because I was tired. So tired that I didn't even hear him come to bed last night. I woke up this morning like where did he come from? LOL
RoRo, I'm sorry but I had to laugh about the thing with the Valentines Day dinner and you having the virus! Must've been really tough times for you.
So you joined the forum like a month before that and were getting a little bit of the hang of what to do and what not to do?
Basically. I totally was NOT getting the hang of it. LOL I could barely hold my head up at the dinner, and not just because of the virus. But I found some great friends who've been my life line through this...they taught me how to STFU and enjoy the here and now.
hi RoRo - just catching up on your thread and stopping by to say hello
i also want to say thank you again. for your support. it was very kind of you.
i wish i had your sort of strength in standing up to people - i've always been good at standing up for other people, but not very good at standing up for myself in the correct ways
you sound like you are doing well - i'm glad to see that
zig
Hey Zig! No thanks needed. I'm actually learning NOT to stand up to people. Sometimes I go to far, so I've been trying to chill out. But I couldn't just let that slide. LOL
You're doing great and finding out so much about yourself. Keep it up!
Stole this from veroprado's thread for my own inner discussion. LOL
LITB- well....
I was very nervous/uncomfortable. It felt like the first time I met his friends/family, odd? At one point I told H I felt uncomfortable and he asked if someone did or said something. I said no. Then he said, it's all in your head. Sit by the pool with the rest of us and have a good time.
H and I went to a friend's retirement party on Saturday. I am friends with the retiree's wife. H mentioned in the car on the way home that he felt like my friend was treating him differently...like she could take or leave him being there. I asked if she had said anything to him. He said no, it was just a feeling he had. And he was adamant about me not saying anything to her.
So based on what vero said, I'm wondering if he suspected I had told her something and he felt the way he did because he "expected" her to treat him differently. I have told the friend that we were having problems, but did not give many details. But he doesn't even know I told that. I didn't notice her acting funny if she was. But then again, I was too busy having a good time.
I know there's nothing I could have done to make him feel better. But being that I discounted his feelings so much in the past, and he's told me he felt I was acting the same way at one point, I would like to try to understand what he was feeling, if I can. Maybe it will help point out something I am not aware of in our interactions. *shrug*
I had a great time at the party. Of course it helped that I looked HOT! H even told me on Sunday that I was working it Saturday night! ;-)
How awesome that you looked HOT! See, you don't even need a makeover! (but it's sure fun to have one).
Sounds like you are good at identifying an area to analyze...about considering H's feelings.
And nothing is more attractive (to everyone) than a beautiful woman having a great time! Bravo!
HI ROROINMD!
I feel so honored that you quoted me
It's great you looked hot and enjoyed yourself at the party. My suggestion about Hs insecurity with your friend. Let him know that it [censored] he felt that way. But Ro don't get too sucked into it that you want to fix it.
I had to look within myself and realize, hey! I'm the only one with the problem! Even if his friends were being distant, it had nothing to do with something I said or did. I apologized back in Dec for blocking them from FB and besides, that's really petty to be upset for something like that for so long.
I think his friends may think I'm upset with them for who knows what? I was very very angry before all this and during the discovery of the affair I was VERY VERY ANGRY! So I just need to show them my 180 self and move on.
Take care and find another opportunity for him to see you HOT!
Oh and don't feed the negative dog!
Not much happening my way. Although, I wish it was, if you know what I mean. LOL I wish it was happening A LOT. LOLOL But alas, H hasn’t made a move in that direction in a while.
I mentioned this to friends, and how I was trying to come up with a way to move back in that direction – right after BD, things in the ML department were actually better than BEFORE BD. Now, not so much. I haven’t figured out why the switch back. Maybe H feels bad after we ML? Maybe he just doesn’t want to anymore. (Which I wish he would just come out and say. This was one of our issues before. He never says anything about how he’s feeling.)
One of my friends asked wouldn’t it be nice just to be in a R without everything being a guessing game. I said of course! They said they know how tiring it could be, and that my sitch seems like an ongoing chess match. I said, most of the time I don’t feel that way. I’ve just been living my life. I said most days I am happy, but I do go through phases like this, where I wonder if I should be doing something different.
I’ve learned not to DO anything most of the time, so I’m wondering if that’s what I should be doing now. I mean we’ve been getting along great. If anything, we seem closer than before, but I know looks can be deceiving. I just know I miss ML, and haven’t quite figured out how to “do what works” to bring it back into the picture.
I think my H looks to me and how I’m acting to see how he should act. If I’m happy, and upbeat, he’s happy and upbeat. If I’m down and sad, then so is he. Kinda crazy when you think about it. LOL (Is that the Pursue/Distance thing?) I know I haven’t been following the advice of my coach. I haven’t exactly been the flirty, alluring person I was 3 months ago. Funny how old habits come back to bite you in the butt. I’m turning into the old boring wife again! Gotta snap out that!
I went to dinner with a group of girlfriends on Friday, and when they asked me for an update, I could tell they were having a hard time understanding how I COULD be happy with my sitch as it is. I honestly couldn’t explain it to them. All I know is for the first time in FOREVER, I don’t have my life planned down to the minute, and I’m actually enjoying being me. I haven’t made plans ahead of time to do anything in a while, and I don’t spend every minute thinking about my sitch anymore. It is what it is. All I can do is live for me…something I’ve never done. I must admit though, it’s totally the way to go!
Anyway, enough of my rambling. Hope everyone is having a great day.
I’ve learned not to DO anything most of the time, so I’m wondering if that’s what I should be doing now. I mean we’ve been getting along great. If anything, we seem closer than before, but I know looks can be deceiving. I just know I miss ML, and haven’t quite figured out how to “do what works” to bring it back into the picture.
You said your old dynamic was to not talk about things of that type of importance, is that still ok with you? What if you brought it up to address?
Oh I never was the who was quiet. HE WAS. I probably talked too much about it, if anything. LOL I was just saying sometimes I feel like I need to do "something" to influence a change. Some very good friends told me I don't have to try and fix everything. Sometimes doing nothing is the right thing to do. I still have a hard time with that sometimes, but I'm getting better.
He's super sensitive about this because of past performance issues, so I need to be careful what I say. I never was in the past, and some of my words definitely hurt him.
Hey Ro...I still pray for you...Keep it up!
BRIAN!!!!
Hey man! How are you? Hope all is well. Thanks for the prayers! Keep them coming. Lord knows I need all the help I can get. :-)
H made a comment to me last night that he was too tired to take a shower night before last and thought about sleeping on the couch. But he didn't want me to think he was sleeping on the couch "on purpose", so he just got in the bed - funk and all. (I cracked up at that. LOL)
I told him I thought he had taken one, since I went to bed hours before he did. Obviously he thought I noticed or cared. Guess I could have acted like I did, but I really didn't. Just meant the sheets needed to be washed. *shrug*
Just wanted to share the foolishness and mayhem that goes on in my house. LOL
I miss your posts here but it's good that things are...quiet in your sitch. I'm not sure that's the right word but at least there are no explosions.
Thanks for checking in, Bug. Yes, things are "quiet". Although, there never were any explosions after BD, unless you count me going off about OW about once a month. I've managed to keep my mouth closed so far this month. LOL
I'm still not sure where we are or what we're doing. As far as I know, he's still planning to move out once he finds a job. Although, he never mentions moving out unless I ask him about it.
I know timelines are useless, but it's been about 8 months. At some point one of us has to make a decision to stay or go.
Ro,
Why would H want to sleep on the couch (on purpose)? Does he not like the bed? Does he have back problems? Is the temperature in the bedroom not what he likes?
Ro,
Why would H want to sleep on the couch (on purpose)? Does he not like the bed? Does he have back problems? Is the temperature in the bedroom not what he likes?
Before BD, whenever we would have a really bad argument, he would retreat to the couch as punishment I guess. After BD, he slept on the couch for like a month straight, then slowly made his way back to sleeping in the bed.
The temperature in the room is a problem for both of us. But we have a fan in case it gets too warm, even with the A/C on. Sometimes he'll stay up really late and according to him fall asleep on the couch, and just stay there. I normally would say something to him about it, so I'm sure that's where his statement came from.
If I'm honest, when I say something to him about sleeping on the couch, I would say I'm projecting my own fear that he's sleeping on the couch because of OW and doesn't want to sleep with me.
Is that where you were trying to get me to? LOL
I totally get where you're coming from, and I would think and react the exact same way as you (including the projecting). Because that's what we're used to.
The reason I was asking those questions is that maybe there is a better explanation for H sleeping on the couch. My H used to complain about the bed being uncomfortable and used to say that he slept much better on the couch. Or on some nights (recently) when it was really hot and humid and we didn't have the AC going in the bedroom because I don't like to sleep with it on, I have woken up in the middle of the night to find him asleep on the couch in the living room with the AC blowing (even though I told him that if he's really uncomfortable, then he can turn the AC on in the bedroom, it's not like I was forbidding it).
Spouses who sleep on the couch irk me. And reading your H and CES's W do that - though likely for different reasons - brought up my feelings of frustration when H was doing the flip flopping. I used to hate it when he'd sleep in bed one night, and then on the couch the next for no apparent reason (other than him not wanting to be close to me). So the flip flopping really ticked me off.
Sorry for going off on a tangent about the couch. The fact that he told you that it had nothing to do with him wanting to be away from you is good. I don't think he'd say anything if that wasn't true. So quit the projecting!
Okay, okay. LOL Even as I'm saying whatever I usually say, I'm thinking to myself, you should probably just be quiet. SMH But do I? Of course not.
We're headed to Ruth's Chris tonight for DC Restaurant Week. Should be fun!
Yes, Bug...I managed to put the crazy back in the box for now. LOL
Hi Ro, happy Friday
Hi Ro, happy Friday
Hey! Happy Friday to you, too! Enjoy your weekend!
H and I had dinner last night at Ruth's Chris for DC Restaurant Week. H loves steak, but had never been because it's kind of expensive. I had never been because I'm not really a steak eater. So it was mostly a treat for him.
During DC Restaurant Week, the participating restaurants offer 3-course lunches for $20.12 and 3-course dinners for $35.12. So he basically got to eat a salad, entree, and dessert for less than the price of what one steak would have cost. We normally do at least one restaurant during this week. Ordinarily, we would not have gone to a steakhouse because I often have a hard time finding something I like to eat. But I figured this could count as fostering goodwill when I get to heaven, so to Ruth's Chris we went. LOL
We ended up having a pretty good time. The food was GREAT! There were a few lulls in the conversation, but overall, a much better experience that some of the other dinners we had pre-BD & after. And H only took his phone out a couple of times when we were trying to contact SS (my phone was dead). H thanked me like 3 times last night, and a bunch this morning for dinner last night. I just said you're welcome.
H is headed to NC this weekend to see SS. There's some issues going on with his college stuff that needs to be straightened out. Things we thought SS' mother was taking care of. I'll just say hopefully by Monday, SS will actually be a freshman in college. Right now it's not looking so good. :-(
H feels really bad about this whole college thing and is taking it very personal. He kept saying last night that "he" needed to fix this. So I had a conversation with him, explaining that I felt like he was intentionally leaving me out of the whole thing. I said that while I'm sure he didn't mean it that way, that's what I was hearing when he kept saying "he" needed to do this or "he" was going to do that. He told me that was not the case, and of course he wants me involved.
He also got up this morning to walk me to the door when I got ready to leave for work. He used to do this every day when he first moved here in. Lately he would just roll over, give me a kiss, and roll back over when I said I was leaving.
I just know I'm looking forward to getting some rest in a quiet house this weekend. I could really use that. I intend to go see the movie "Sparkle" this weekend as well as go to my neice's birthday party on Sunday, at a local water park. All very relaxing. ;-)
Happy Friday Ro!
You can always just bring your friends down to Alabama and go boating with me and my friends this weekend! LOL
Let's see...what's on the agenda...
Anchoring and then floating for a bit.
Tubing
Water skiing
Wakeboarding
Then back to anchoring and floating/swimming!
Happy Friday Ro!
You can always just bring your friends down to Alabama and go boating with me and my friends this weekend! LOL
Let's see...what's on the agenda...
Anchoring and then floating for a bit.
Tubing
Water skiing
Wakeboarding
Then back to anchoring and floating/swimming!
That sounds WONDERFUL! Wish I could!
Nothing to add, just wanted to say Hi!
Your thread is large, please start a new one.
