Well slap me sideways and call me Sallie.....
This morning I woke up early to go for a run, but it was raining. So I took my time getting ready and opened up the curtains in my bedroom because I like to watch the rain. The way my house is situated unless you are standing at my front door you can't see inside my bedroom window and no one come around the side to the front door unless I'm expecting them. So I'm standing there in my next to nothings and I see H knocking at the front door.
I'm fully aware that all has to do is turn sideways and he'll see me. So I do nothing but carry on getting dressed and let S answer the door. He says to S "is your mother up, S says no she's still sleeping." I say I'm here and come around the corner zipping up my dress.
H says "Sorry to surprise you" but is still walking towards my bedroom "I forgot something here last night and you know...thought I'd try to catch a glimpse of you half naked...for old times sake"
W.T.F, DBers???
So I giggle and go oh yeah...good timing. We go into the kitchen where he gets what he need and in a flash of inspiration ask him if he wants to take some of those leftovers from last night for lunch today! (Cheryl would be proud)
He says yes and as I'm bending over to find a container I catch him looking. Then I'm dishing it out and he says just a bit..that's enough.
I grin at him because I'm actually shaking and I don't know it was the way he said it. He asks me what? and I say I don't know it was just funny how you said that. And I realize I'm sounding very giggly and flirty.
W.T.F, DBers?
Then he says he's off and I say drop that off whenever and point to the container.
So then we chat about how IKEA doesn't sell those anymore or something I don't know...
And I say oh, I need to give you my new business card! (which I'm very excited about) and he says oh yeah..that's really cool. So he follows me around the house until I locate my bag. And he says I found yours from back home the other day...you gave me it to me on our first date. I said I remember that. He said I found it last night actually I was going through some things.
I didn't point it out or elaborate. I just handed him the new card and said oh by the way that's a work cell phone so no texting dirty messages!
He laughed and turned to me when I opened the door and said "I'm not sure who you think I am Madame" in this very haughty voice and I'm giggling "we all know it wouldn't be messages just pictures of my p*nis" because we've joked before about who are these crazy people that text naked pics. I crack up and say "yeah that's what I meant no p*nis pics please" And we're both smiling and laughing. And there's a twinkle in his eye.
And he said I'll see you later...I'm going to grab some tools out the garage.
sooooooo DBer's last night/this morning I was considering filing. Honestly I was...I was examining my motives and if that's what I really wanted to do..but I was considering it.
And once again when you think you might be done you're not really done. I think because the visit was unexpected, I had no time for expectations, or thinking about any of it.
S said that he'd texted him 3 mins before he got there to ask if he was home. But didn't ask if I was there, or call me, weird but who cares.
So the challenge now is continue "more of the same" friendly, flirty, fun with no expectations and just let life happen.
Hey Sallie -
!!!???
WWBD? Keep Being Brit!!
Think of him as a squirrel, no sudden movement towards or away.
Keep up your changes, keep DB'ing.
Have you ever read on pursuit and distance?
Or touch and go's?
Keep reading your title over and over.
Maybe all is not so wonderful with OW.
But right now if he is still with her you are the OW.
See what develops.
You are in no hurry.
brit, what an exciting morning you've had! it's nice when they think of us in a sexual context. it makes me feel attractive and since the bomb, that's an area i came to doubt.
i like what cadet says. keep feeding the squirrel. just hold the food out and let him come to it.
however, i wouldn't actually feed the squirrel while he's with OW, eating from her hand, too. he must choose which feeder he's going to eat from...
Thanks Cadet...that's exactly why I titled it that...so everytime I come here I'll reread it and remind myself. No expectations, no plans, no timeline, nothing. Just letting right now BE.
SS, I'm not even thinking that far ahead (feeding from a hand) because that would be expectations.
He texted me at lunch and said "That was really really good. Thanks for that" I replied said "Glad you enjoyed it!" I almost said something else like I thought it needed more cheese...but I'm trying to let things be...no steps towards or away...
Cheryl said I needed to be the OW. I find that hilarious. I'm not pursuing, I'm not overthinking. I don't really care. This monring was fun and funny. That's all!
oh Cadet what was that book you'd suggested on pursuit and distance? I think it goes hand in hand with co-dependency and learning not to pursue or withhold out of anger.
Others have suggested The Solo Partner?
Whaddup Sallie- I had this flirting dynamic w/ my WAW a few times during this past year and I enjoyed it as it seems you are. I however attached expectations to it and thought it was a major sign that we were getting back on the right track.
It didn't turn out to be so what I would like to say is feel free to flirt and enjoy it and perhaps in your case it will lead to bigger and better things. But also keep your expectations in check because it can be a big let down if you attach significant meaning to it.
Best!
Expectations have been my downfall everytime. I am doing that this time: GROWTH!
The only thing it did was tell me he still gives me tingles. I don't have expectations about his behaviour but my response to him told me I'm not ready to file.
That's all I took away from this morning. Oh I also took away the reminder once again that there is nothing more attractive than someone who is happy with themselves and confident.
The Dance of Anger is a good book on that subject.
Those are good takeaways. And are you referring to him or yourself about being happy & confident?
oh Cadet what was that book you'd suggested on pursuit and distance? I think it goes hand in hand with co-dependency and learning not to pursue or withhold out of anger.
Others have suggested The Solo Partner?
Yes google the book and MLC and you will get a review of the book.
You do NOT need to buy the book.
ME!
About two weeks agao I had my coaching session with Cheryl and had that day where I was "done with thinking about him"
Since then I have been out with friends, gone away to visit friends, purchased some new clothes, read a few books that weren't self help books, have things going on, And I haven't been over thinking my interactions with him.
so it was just a reminder that for all my "over thinking" about what will get me the best response, I always get the best response when I don't think about the response at all. Does that make sense?
Lately if I'm really confused (like when I thought he'd gone through things and left them strewn about) I wait, ask you guys, etc.
I think like the pursuit/chaser thing he senses that I'm not needy and desperate and wanting him back on any terms. He senses that I'm not that fussed.
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttttt, this changes nothing. I still think he's irresponsible, imature, dependent, etc. I had a good convo just like we did on the phone last week and that's all there is.
Awesome, I was hoping so.
And yes it makes sense about the over-analyzing.
I think like the pursuit/chaser thing he senses that I'm not needy and desperate and wanting him back on any terms. He senses that I'm not that fussed.
well sallie -there ya go!! make sure you leave those curtains open more!!
i laughed when i read that post. the energy was delightful.
I think we should all aim for feeling delightful in some way or the other each and everyday - and if some of those moments are shared with our WAS's then we score.
part of me is thinking lately though - just sort of flashes in my mind - this pursuer /distancer dynamic - how does one use it in a healthy functional way.
maybe a good topic for a discussion around here...
i say - just aim for those light-hearted interactions all the time - because i tell you , they have to walk away with a slightly warm feeling inside, no matter how much they fight it.
goof balls - every last one of them, if you ask me!! (the WAS's, that is!)
and i am so calling you Sallie from now on GRIN!!
((( )))
zig
ps. just keep doing what you are doing
HA it was just a phrase and now I have a new name? I should have gone for something empowering sounding Zena!
this pursuer /distancer dynamic - how does one use it in a healthy functional way.
I am going to read all that stuff to find out I think! Because I think that's a sticking point for me. So much of my previous dating/relationship behaviour was based on manipulation and game playing and I don't want to be that person ever again.
Zena :-)
What are great morning you had, and walking away feeling confident and in control.
I get what you mean about expectations being the downfall...I have been known to look down that tunnel a few ( thousand) times myself.
You have piqued my interest in the pursuit/ distance dynamic.. I think I might start looking at it too.
Have a great day Brit aka sallie ( aka zena while kicking butt!!!!!)
Basically it's how when you don't pursue they do..it's the age old don't chase boys and they'll chase you. As soon as they sense they don't "have you" they try to win you back. However some of ppl are manipulative and only give you enough to get you back into them then distance again and you end up hurt
^^^^ exactly!!
it [censored] when it's like that!
this is serious... is it WWBD? or WWSD? or now WWZD??? I am so confused.. I need the initials straightened out
^^^^
i'm too lazy to look up the abbreviation list - what do all of those mean?
zig
this is serious... is it WWBD? or WWSD? or now WWZD??? I am so confused.. I need the initials straightened out
^^^^
i'm too lazy to look up the abbreviation list - what do all of those mean?
zig
B=Brit
S=Sallie
Z=Zena
lol..
my mantra was What Would Brit Do?
now I am confused if it is Brit, Sallie or Zena and I need my mantra
I think it should be wwzd because I like to think of Zena (warrior princess) as that strong confident woman inside of us we're trying to be!
I love whoever said what would the woman you want to be do? Because that's such a great thing to strive for that person that you want to become.
I had a great night with hardly any thoughts of H. I don't even feel the need to check his FB page anymore. I listened to music I hadn't heard in ages. Talked to friends made plans to have drInks after work laughed with my son. I remember a time when even being in my own home alone felt strange. I remember going to he'd alone, turning off the lights all felt strange and I constantly thought about what H was doing.
I'm not sitting around actively thinking about growth, detachment, and the sitch. I am finally just living, being in the moment, without a man. The other day I thought about H living with her and I thought gosh that must be weird. If I'd done all that surely a part of me would think my life has changed so quickly and that makes me a little bit scared. I'm not scared now. I'm not running to get to a goal. When I walked away I was. When I went out every weekend and met loads of guys I was. If we never R and this is all there is I'll be okay. I've gained this independence and calm I never had. I know I want a M that looks different to what I had and I'm not sure who that will be with
Hey Brit
This line for me shows just how far you've changed your whole outlook.
I'm not scared now. I'm not running to get to a goal. When I walked away I was. When I went out every weekend and met loads of guys I was.
What it says to me Brit, is that you aren't looking outwards to get something to fill your life, while all this is happening. No, the new Brit is looking inwards, finding herself again, learning new things about herself and experiencing new things.
I think you've just made me realise why GAL and your ME time is so important to recovery, no matter what is going on in your sitch.
You sound so positive Brit, keep enjoying life and keep posting.
Bill
Not to nitpick but I think it would be WWXD (Xena with an X
)
oh YES. XENA!!!
But you know, i'm partial to z's, because not many people have names with a z
That was a great starter for me this morning. I love the light hearted, fun, flirty nature. I think it actually changed my mindset to starting off my day. I think we all need more of that, without expectations....just fun.
If we never R and this is all there is I'll be okay. I've gained this independence and calm I never had. I know I want a M that looks different to what I had and I'm not sure who that will be with
I've found myself in a similar place. I still love my W with all my heart, but I find that I'm happy for the hardships because they've resulted in good change in me. I think I can be happy for the first time in my life. W and I were actually talking about this the other night and while I wish our lives were blissful from the beginning, I am happy things got worse because I don't like the idea of being just happy enough not to leave.
You sound like you are in such a good place. I'm happy for you! Keep it up!
brit-
you are a rock. your perspective is amazing. keep it up and keep posting. please! your ideas help alot =)
Loving your attitude Brit. I agree about wanting a M that is different to what I had. I m not yet where you are in terms of it possibly being with omen else. But I am working to get there. I am starting to accept that I may have to just accept that there will not be another chance.
Tomorrow is 1 week I haven't looked at his FB page. It went pretty quick.
Yesterday I randomly thought about once he told me that he could tell me good things about his GF and their R but didn't want to hurt my feelings. And I remembered when we met he'd had an on/off 5 year R and he told me crazy things about her. And I wondered how he could have stayed with someone like that for so long. And I thought I wonder what he says about me to GF if she thinks that. Because she's younger and obviously a bit silly taking on this man paying for everything etc.
Anyway I just thought how this has taught me there's always more to the story don't be blinded by what you want to hear look better at te motives behind the stories people tell about themselves.
The next 2-3 months are going to he quite busy for me. I have exciting work projects, my friend's wedding, my mom's visiting, I'm really happy about that.
I'm getting back that WAW feeling when I felt free, like the world was my oyster, happy that I being dragged down by him. I felt a smudge of that last night walking home. I feel confident and happy. I happened to be in a place yesterday afternoon that I'd always dreaded going. And I thought wow I was SO insecure why did I not feel comfortable here before? No one here is better than me! I'm not sure if it was the weight gain or the codependency but I'm so happy to not feel that anymore
That I wasn't being dragged down
brit - love your post!
((( )))
it's amazing how you're just there - you know, in that good place.
keep focusing forward - it's the best place to be
zig
Hi Brit,
I like your post too. I have often wondered what it is like to feel like WAW in terms of detachment. In a weird way- do you think that is what we are kinda of trying to get to in terms of detachment?
I explained before how I felt when I was a WAW. There was this euphoria of being FREE. Because of so long I'd felt weighed down by him, unhappy, depressed, repressed, abandoned, I'd put myself 2ed. But I massively felt guilty for being the one to end it, for knowing that he was unhappy, worried that he wouldn't be able to stand on his own two feet, and unsure if I'd made the right decision. But I clung to the excitement of being free and blocked out the bad feelings. It's funny me and my friend joke about it now as my "lean wolf" time. I wasn't a happy content person I was clawing at any time of happiness.
When it all caught up to me and I started having panic attacks, cried uncontrollably etc, I used to wonder how I could be the same person that felt that feeling before...but it was all false.
Now I do feel confident and happy and excited about the future but in a much different way. I feel like the see saw has levelled out a bit and it still teeters both ways but overall I'm much more level.
good for you brit. im glad to hear your see saw has leveled out. mine is broken. that is ok. god has a plan for me. what it is, i have no idea. he will show me when the time is right. that i know
hi brit, way to go with fb! awesome! i love how you are able to reframe things in such a positive way. you consistent do it so well.
where someone (often mo
) could focus on being alone with all the weight that word has, you change your focus to being free. i love that and am going to try it myself. i am free! thanks, brit ((( )))
i meant ME, not MO (whoever that is)
I just got back from a run! I'm training for a 10 mile race the farthest I've ever done is 5K so this is a good goal. The trail I chose took me through the field where H dropped the bomb and I was crying and acting psycho. I haven't been there since and that was the end of May. I went anyway and it looks different! and at the other end was an old couple sitting on a bench and I thought that'll be me one day and we smiled at each other. I doubled back and spotted someone else running on the trail and as they got closer....oh my....major hottie alert. I sorta smiled and he looked slightly embarrassed and I kept going and left the field.
Anyway I always get a bit philosophical and I just thought I was nervous about how I would feel. That the field would always hold negative memories and instead I wasn't met with flashbacks of my pain but with a picture of enduring love...and a hot man. So thank you universe!!!
I have only started feeling "free" again recently and it's been nice. I try to make an effort to say things in my head like I love my house, and my new mantra "I might be the happiest girl in the world" I don't know it makes me smile and I say it a lot!
There was this euphoria of being FREE. Because of so long I'd felt weighed down by him, unhappy, depressed, repressed, abandoned, I'd put myself 2ed. But I massively felt guilty for being the one to end it, for knowing that he was unhappy, worried that he wouldn't be able to stand on his own two feet, and unsure if I'd made the right decision. But I clung to the excitement of being free and blocked out the bad feelings.
When it all caught up to me and I started having panic attacks, cried uncontrollably etc, I used to wonder how I could be the same person that felt that feeling before...but it was all false.
I think you just described my H perfectly. I'm dealing with the uncontrollable crying and sadness. And I'm not sure what to do.
Hi Ro...All you can do it detach, concentrate on you, do anything that makes you feel good. (in a healthy way) for me I quit smoking, started dieting and exercising, ((I've lost 50 pounds) and fixing up my house (it was nice not to think H wouldn't like something I bought for the house!)
When I was at my worst therapy helped, reading here helped, venting here helped. Having a plan whether that plan was simply "I won't text him today"
When you first start GAL activities you feel disconnected. I remember being out to dinner, or at someone's house and feeling detached wishing I'd stayed home all I thought about was him and feeling sad. And slowly you start refilling that hole that was left when by them with love for yourself.
It may help to know that I was there (where you say your H was) and it all came crashing down and I had my own time of extreme unhappiness. However if I had chose to continue to self medicate myself with partying and male attention then I may never have taken a look at those feelings. Plus pride is huge is was really really hard for me to admit that I'd made a mistake and it may be even harder for men.
All you can do is take good care of you. bubble baths, walks, cozy pjs, nice food, anything to make you feel cared for. You need it right now!
Hey Ro, my bomb day was 1/2/12, so I am right there with you in feeling emotional and uncontrollable crying (mainly in the shower). This site, although I only found it last week, has been a godsend to me. My husband still has a gf, but still treats me so well, tells me he loves me and misses me and can't stop thinking about me, so he is definitely a cake eater. Just today I told him that I think I needed a break for a few days, and he got all upset about it. Like, oh you are upset that you can't have a W and a gf too? I dunno. Its hard for me to know what the right answers are in DBing. He never talks about D, ever... but its like umm ok, so this is my M? Its hard to know if pushing them away is the answer, but for now I have to focus on me-- I am loving bubble baths, and watching HGTV with my dogs, and going to the gym. I am working slowly on GAL, but its hard when H is at the house- which is almost daily, and often he spends the night in the other room-- he still comes to kiss me goodnight (?????) so yeah, its a hard place to be in. I think somehow I am the mistress, and she is more like the W now.. anyway.. just know you are not alone in this..
Been nosing around on the bootcamp threads and saw Kaffe (I wish we could tag people in the posts so they'd know they were mentioned??) anyway KD but up this thing about goal setting for Dakota. I remember when I read DR all my goals were for H.
Deciding to set goals for yourself is a great idea! I've put together some for myself. My fitness regime, making gratitude a part of my morning routine, and a few others for intellectual. I'm a bit stuck on relationship because KD said nothing to do with spouse...hmmmmm
lmao..stalking my bootcamp? jk..its great the help kd is givin me. he understands i am dense so we are working on really small goals..for ME.. u might be able to do some goals involving your H. idk. i know for me, i am no where near that place. i took my ring off because i cant stand seeing it. thinking about her right now makes me want to puke.
i think the more in tune with yourself that you become, the more you can add different goals. i could be way off. all i know is right now, we are doing small goals that i can handle. to get myself to a better mental place. right now im a hot mess..lol
Well I got my answer in the form of a horoscope. (don't laugh ya'll knew I was a bit crazy!)
Is there really more than one kind of love? Or does a deep emotional connection between two people mean much the same, regardless of whether it is based on a romantic relationship, a family affiliation or a social involvement? We may expect different things from each other in different contexts but when others touch our hearts, for whatever reason, there is surely just a wonderful sense of magic. Somewhere in your life now, a delightful bond is deepening. Don't worry about what it means, just be glad of this.
I think this is my goal in "relationships" to enjoy love and closeness in whatever form it is. Not question it or push it or force it...just be open to the love that is coming my way. Just today I was so enjoying S's company and thinking how happy I am that he and I have this relationship. We're so much closer than I was with my mom at his age.
Hey Brit I know what you mean about making the goals about H. I think in the earlier stages of DB'ing (before LRT, anyway), some of the goals M discusses in the book are about - what would your R look like if things were "great" tomorrow? - and make that a goal. That doesn't really work in some of our situations. I know I have run into trouble recently thinking of R goals because even though it looked like on paper they were being met, H still filed for D.
Anyway, it's always good to have personal goals. I think your weight loss is awesome and a testament to your perseverance! Have you done any specific programs that helped you out (i.e. specific exercise routines, yoga 2x/week, Zumba, whatever) that you could say - I'm going to do this X times or reps or minutes per week?
I think your R goal about enjoying love is good because it's less about your M and more about R's in general. I have found that since I started this journey a few months ago my relationships with friends and family have improved. Sometimes I even feel like I have X-ray-DB vision in that I can see through some outward expressions and figure out what emotional/logical thought process is going on underneath and it makes me slow down and be less reactive and judgmental toward others! What do you think about setting a goal (admittedly broad, so you could refine it to specifically fit yourself) to not only being open to enjoying love and closeness that is coming your way, but to be better about being open and expressive with respect to giving love to others? That's one of my goals, too
How might you see yourself doing that with, say, S or a close friend of yours?
Hi V, yes those are exactly my goals with my fitness I've broken it down into a training regime for running with things I'm doing on certain days of the week and adding in sit ups etc.
I like the goal of giving love to others!
Had a brief interaction with H today...I started to type it all out...but then I realized that honestly there was nothing to it. Maybe I could have been more flirty. It was funny that he messaged me about S's birthday right after I posted something about it on Fb. I had to stop myself in quite a few emotions and look for the positives, assume the good. I felt so blah and like he's just ridiculous. But I should be happy that he a) is still involved with his SS and b) wants to coordinate with me on gifts.
I had to bring up a bill he hasn't paid because I was supposed to have the money by friday...
H messaged me again and I did a much better job of being funny and light hearted...high 5 to me.
Earlier today I was joking around with S and I walked into the other room with a smile on my face and I realized I had that same feeling I used to have when we would all joke around as a family that I never had before meeting H. It felt great. Not just because I am in SO much of a better place than March/April/May but that I can have this happiness and joy WITHOUT being in a R!
I can have this happiness and joy WITHOUT being in a R!
it's sort of an unfamiliar incongruent place to find ourselves in, isn't it?
Brit:
Sounds like you are doing great! Do me a favor and check back on my thread....you made some points that I think are pretty important in my sitch, and I would like your feedback...thanks much..
AC
Brit:
Sounds like you are doing great! Do me a favor and check back on my thread....you made some points that I think are pretty important in my sitch, and I would like your feedback...thanks much..
AC
Brit, I think this is absolutely a testament to how well you are doing, even if you don't always feel like it.
Between your and zig's progress over the past month or so, I really believe you have a lot to offer other members here...
Might even have to start calling you a "vet"... lol...
KD I didn't know you were a comdien haha
AC I wil have a look. I'n very flattered that you'd want my input!
Woke up from very strange dreams about H and GF. Perhaps I shouldn't have looked at his FB page before bed. It was very boring....no more couple updates, no more checking in, since last weekend he's made no posts except his views on something political and she changed her profile pic from the two of them to HER CAT! Not reading anything into it. Just giggling slightly to myself.
Very happy because it's July! And I've been looking forward to July for ages! I have do many cool things coming up personally and professionally! I am so thankful to be in exactly the place I am now getting to be a part of these projects! So today I am thankful for living in the UK, my amazing job, the fact that I am healthier than I have been in years, for my house it's great location and affordability, and my S.
LOVE your gratitude list. We do have so much to be thankful for, and even the things we don't appreciate so much are a way to grow.
How can you not read anything into his/her FB page? I know that I actively try not to read anything into what my W says but I found my hope lifted when she said in an email that she does not know where she is going to be living in the next year. (may mean she is not sure about moving back to be with OW??)
So how do you not read anything into FB or other news??!!? Share your secret.
Because reading into things only does two things: make me neurotic thinking about all the possibilities and 2) gives me expectations which always bites me in the ass.
You don't know if your w is saying she might be moving because OW has a new job who knows. Don't read into it.
Today it was raining windy and miserable. And when I walked home I felt happy why? Because I don't feel like I felt a few weeks ago. And if that isn't worth celebrating I don't know what is!
I also had a thought today I don't miss H as a lover or a H I don't know it's something more. He was everything familiar and safe and he was home. And his smile...it isn't for me anymore. And I know mine stopped being for him a long time ago. But I know certain things will always remind both of us of this love we had...we were flawed partners. I know that. I'm being mushy because honestly I remember feeling rejected and isolated and emotionally shut out during the marriage. I just miss that intimacy with him...but I guess I started missing that years ago
I'm just saying that even by noticing changes of photos on FB or types of posts, isn't it impossible not to feel something? Or have you reached detachment?
Would you have felt something if the photos/posts had been all about them together?
I am just not that detached yet.
It's too easy to read in things that aren't there on FB. I blocked H from my feed and don't check his account anymore. He posts like he's a teenager and it's just annoying to watch. I actually used to use FB pretty heavily and deactivated my account last year. I logged back on recently to send someone a message (I don't have their other contact info) but that's it, so I feel pretty detached from FB itself if not the people on there. You just have to will yourself not to look. It's not easy but I've found it's better for my PMA.
No it's impossible not to feel something. I felt a bit smug that she had reverted back to a cat photo rather than one of them. I felt smug that this week she hadn't been "checking" him in everywhere or maybe their eating out nonstop had come to an end. But I made myself not go down the rabbit hole of thinking what it could mean or what they're doing etc.
Trust me I am not at some new level of detachment. I just don't let myself read into things......99% of the time I'm wrong and 100% of the time I'm spending more time thinking about whatever/whoever I'm obsessing over than they are thinking of me!
yes, smug is a good word. i love how adept you are at describing your feelings, Brit.
and I got in my car this morning and made my gratitude list. thanks for the reminder.
smug... i feel that way too sometimes. but for me, it means that i have already fallen down the rabbit hole.
i am off fb too.. my W sounds like Vera's H with all the postings/updates/comments. it is better for my PMA too if I don't see it. I do miss some of the social aspect of it, especially with trying to GAL, but it is just not worth it to me now, too many close connections to W and OW to be comfortable for me. I can't wait till I am detached enough not to care.
Wish there was a magic detachment pill to take!
Brit:
Thanks for responding to my post. I feel that my xW is in a very similar situation to yours, and so I find the need to ask: do you harbor even the remotest possibility of R with your H? Or have you simply moved onto a completely different space, and he is a part of your history.
I know I should not be trying to read things into my sitch, but your comments hit home......
[/quote]yes, smug is a good word. i love how adept you are at describing your feelings, Brit.
[/quote] I almost put "bitchily" but that isn't really a word.
I have stopped using it A LOT. I think I was like Vera's H and Grace's W in that I posted non stop, photos of myself, photos of me and my friends, funny updates etc.
I still post funny things ie crazy press releases I get, and some photos but a part of me hated that H wouldn't have contact with me and then when he did say that he knew about this and this through FB.
not having him in my timeline has certainly helped for PMA.
For anychance
do you harbor even the remotest possibility of R with your H? Or have you simply moved onto a completely different space, and he is a part of your history.
Yes I still have the remotest possibility. I honestly don't think there would ever be a time in my life that I didn't. But you can't draw parallels because he and I have switched. I might have acted like your W in the beginning. But the truth is when things started getting real with the coworker I was sort of seeing I didn't charge ahead with that relationship. (he cared about me but wanted to wait until I was on more solid footing. understandable he'd already separated, attempted reconcilliation, then proceeded on divorce with his exW in the past 2 years and I was 3 months separated when I met him)
I could have charged ahead. I could have blocked out H and the end of my marriage with the excitement of something new but something inside of me thought what if I've made a mistake. And because despite everything I am, I'm also traditional and romantic and wanted to be married forever, in love forever, but it was too little too late for H. He'd been sad and suffering and sitting idlely by while I lived a single life. And he wasn't going to come back on my timeline.
H started distancing himself. H moved in with his GF. So he's now the walk away if we want to call it that.
I begged and pleaded and said we should at least try it once. And he stuck to his guns and headed out the door.
He talked about the possibility of dating in the future but didn't stop seeing her. And the girl without baggage who hadn't hurt him became the more attractive route.
I hate the way I acted during our split, the way I treated him while he still lived at home. But I decided that no amount of beating myself up about it was going to take it away. I could only decide not to be that person anymore.
So do I see H as part of my history? I see my marriage as part of my history. I want H in my life. But it's up to him how that will be..as a friend or more. And I'm much more level headed about the whole thing. Whereas before I would have taken him back and bull-headedly thought we can make it work no matter what...now I see his faults, my faults, our pitfalls, his character flaws, and I also see things that I want in a R and I don't know if he can give it to me. He didn't the first time around...but then again we're not the same people as we were before.
So I would accept us never getting back together, I would accept us trying and it failing, I would accept us trying and succeeding, I would accept us as friends, I would be sad if we lost contact and sent one email every 3 years.....
But me and your xW are not in the same position. H wouldn't let me stay with him for 11 days! He's not in that I'll do anything for you mindset he was months ago. And I'm not living with someone! But I also was talking earlier about how H feels like home to me....and I've only known him for 7 years. So I can't imagine the bond that you develop over 22.
argh ANYCHANCE you've got me crying...slushy romantic tears!!! Not sad really...just about love...
hi Brit, that post was beautiful, even though it made yiu cry, it hit home...
So do I see H as part of my history? I see my marriage as part of my history. I want H in my life. But it's up to him how that will be..as a friend or more. And I'm much more level headed about the whole thing. Whereas before I would have taken him back and bull-headedly thought we can make it work no matter what...now I see his faults, my faults, our pitfalls, his character flaws, and I also see things that I want in a R and I don't know if he can give it to me. He didn't the first time around...but then again we're not the same people as we were before.
So I would accept us never getting back together, I would accept us trying and it failing, I would accept us trying and succeeding, I would accept us as friends, I would be sad if we lost contact and sent one email every 3 years.....
i hopei can get to this place of enlightenment one day....
hope you are ok
Brit:
The bond that you develop after 22 years is pretty strong. Strange as it may sound, I am not in the "I will do anything for her mode". When she came to visit, it just seemed completely natural to both of us for her to stay at the house...and I am glad she did. At least it gave her the chance to see the man I have become, and maybe the man she would be crazy to lose. Who knows?
No idea where this is going. But the bond, from my perspective at least, is too strong for me to just blow her off and 'send an email every 3 years' as you say. But maybe I am a fool. Myself, and most of our friends, think her path is anything but certain. I cannot wait to find out what that path is, but I cannot seem to just not care where it leads. Been too long, she means too much. Only time will tell. We shall see how much time I can handle.
Thank you very much for your insight, and thanks for listening.
I think we need to talk more about YOUR path and not look at hers! But it's 11pm here so I'm off to bed.
Thanks Busting! It will happen gradually I didn't think I'd ever get to that point.
LOL at "bitchily".... new word of the day!
I love the way you switch from humor to heartfelt emotions so easily, Brit. They serve each other well don't they. I need to remember that.
Good night!
They do NG and you need one with the other I think...our sitches are quite heavy and there's a lot more in our life to laugh at and about. It's all about light and shade right?
S is turning 17 and I've been doing a lot of reflecting because he was born when I was 17. And I it was hard as a single mom, going to university, carving out a career, still being young, etc. I've been thinking so much about how it did "take a village" and I was lucky and blessed to have a support network. I came from a very poor background and all the stats were against me. Anyway, I texted H a picture of him and S (who he was a hands on stepfather with from the age of 9) and I said "Thanks for being such a great dad and helping me raise S. I owe you a lot. Can't believe he's 17."
Cheryl told me that it sounded like H felt like a failure. She said what if you were the one place that he could feel like a hero. And she said that I was doing the right thing by making him feel proud of his parenting of S.
His reply "Woman you're going to make me cry!" I lightened the mood about my spelling mistake and told him it was true and that it should be said. I also said that I hoped he had fun tonight.
He replied that he'd talked to S and that he'd be coming over on Thursday to see S and order his present together so S can pick it out the exact one he wants. He said that his car has broke down (roll my eyes) and that he won't be going to the event tonight bigger fish to fry(...oh get used to it GF) and that he would come by tonight but he would be tired, dirty, and in a bad mood.
Then he sent me a second text that said "And it was always more you than me. You have raised a very good guy. YOU should be very proud. (and I know you are)" I said thanks H.
It's typical of him to downplay compliments and to shift the spotlight off him but it needed to be said. After last night's thoughts on the bond you feel with someone after spending all that time together...I don't know my M aside this man helped me raise my child. He was a big part of that entire process and recognising that is important. Especially because one of his complaints was that I would put S ahead of him.
I don't know if it's part of making amends, but regardless of our outcome I will always appreciate him being a father to my son. (sheesh bring on the tears again!)
Cheryl's observations were really interesting. I was thinking something similar yesterday, that many of us LBS' are high achievers... and do our WAS' leave due to feeling inadequate in some way?
Culture has put such a high premium on success and career, what if they don't feel as if they measure up and instead of facing this, they project their anger and disappointment in themselves onto the M and the LBS. I would guess that is true especially for men who may feel even more pressure to provide.
Love that you recognized his contribution with your S. Beautiful.
Cheryl's observations were really interesting. I was thinking something similar yesterday, that many of us LBS' are high achievers... and do our WAS' leave due to feeling inadequate in some way?
yes i do believe that plays a huge role - saw it distinctly in my first marriage and now again here
Not having the best 24 hours but I know I'm not the only one. I guess H had been out of mind for so long it was bound to sneak up on me. I just kept thinking he is in a relationship. He's been living with her for a month. They have s regularly (maybe....that's an issue with him) he calls her sweetheart and holds her. He knows all her friends, spends time with her family, I don't know it's all so sudden and overwhelming. And it's strange that a man I felt I knew so well is shark g his life with someone else who he didn't even know until Feb.
I had a dream and in it I was doing all the usual blessing and begging. He'd sort of told me things were going bad between them two but then they were back together. His sis sided with me. I'm yelling at him saying he's making me look like a fool and what's funny is he's 16 in this dream a teenager. I don't know I woke up angry...trying to change that to gratitude.
I think I am coming to a place of acceptance that I've resisted for so long. It's over. He's in a relationship. There is no "fight" for him...everyday since I told him my feelings he's chosen her. She made him feel wanted and appreciated and I made him feel obligated and responsible. Part of me questions my motives since I've now come full circle in seeing his flaws and accepting the end, but I think I learned so much on the circle that I'm a different person.
I told Zig that the flirting is more light hearted happy friendship and I do want to develop that. I think that i'm not as scared of us NOT having a friendship anymore. Yesterday after of text exchange he commented on a photo on FB which is progress because he hasn't touched my FB post bomb. I do think he's always offered friendship and then I've had expectations and he's felt he had to "not lead me on" I am a person that usually thinks 3 steps ahead so I'm very proud of myself in changing this.
hmmmm DBer's lets regroup!!!!
I texted H to say happy 4th and make a joke about celebrating independance from a country I now choose to live in. He said funny, I was just about to text you the same thing. I then said I think our last 4th in the states was in x town on vacation. Then I said no, what am I thinking we lived in X for a few years. I must be getting old. He said it's funny I think of that as our last too...and he started reminicing about that vacation together!!!!!!!
So I kept it lighthearted and asked if he'd fixed the car
He said that he had but he had to take the train to work today because he'd left the car there and he had to switch at my train station and was GOING TO SURPRISE ME! but mine was boarding and he missed me.
I didn't mention that I don't take that train anymore I take a later one...instead I just reminded myself of the positive. He remembered the train time I used to take when we lived together.
And he was thinking of me, going to surprise me, and text me about the 4th.
SHEESH!!!!!!!!! He asked me what his mum had gotten S for his birthday and I replied and said that I would see him tomorrow ending the convo. I took a page out of StubbornDyke's book in leaving him wanting a bit more.
I am still MANAGING my expectations. And I think what I took from this is sometimes our feelings don't reflect the reality of the sitch. I was feeling disconnected and a bit hopeless but in reality our interaction is still warm and friendly and fun.
I've also been thinking a lot about what Zig and KD have talking about in terms of all or nothing and being a martyr. I'm going to ask him for a favour tomorrow involving S. In the past he's told me I was being silly in not asking him to help and it's true I was being a victim in "I'm a single mom now...he doesn't help me with things, I must be independant" It would mean me not missing a day of work and I think he would enjoy it and S would too.
I am still MANAGING my expectations. And I think what I took from this is sometimes our feelings don't reflect the reality of the sitch. I was feeling disconnected and a bit hopeless but in reality our interaction is still warm and friendly and fun.
This is so true Brit. And sometimes I think that's why my mind starts to play tricks on me AND I overlook some of the positive as well.
I am glad you had such a wonderful and positive interaction is morning with H :-).
I have been following the martyr convo as well, it has given a lot of food for thought. Good for you for you to ask for a favour. It does sound like it would actually be a benefit to you, H and S. I am still not ready to do this. I admire you so.
Have a great day Brit :-)
Aww thank you!!!!!
Yes when I was talkinng to Cheryl she kept saying that I need to assume the good and look for the positive. I have a tendancy to say yes he did or said x, BUT..... and I need to stop.
In fact he sent me a very long text after that about his car issues and instead of thinking he's sharing his life with me I thought....that must have been meant for someone else. ARGH and what did I do send a very short reply because I thought that wasn't really meant for me.
Oh well, learn grow do better next time.
you know what's freaking me out here a bit.
every few days, i'll start thinking about something, or observing it, either in myself or in h or in our sitch, and it will be on the edge of my mind - sort of just a growing awareness.
and its bloody uncanny, but i'll come to read on the boards - and there's discussion about it and others are going through the same exact thing, in the same way.
brit - it's really really hard to assume the positive - because we are self-protective to a large extent. i'm trying to see it as my latest 180 - doing 180's start with a bit of discomfort and at first we have to act as if before they get truly established.
i think it's the same here - i have to stay on top of that reaction you described constantly. my first instinct is to go to the worst case scenario, but i'm getting better at it, and so will you:0
i'm glad you had that wonderful interaction with your h this morning, there's a lot of positives there, and as joann told me, write them down and read them everyday, to keep yourself encouraged
about being martyrish - didn't even realize anyone else was reading about tit or it was resonating with anyone else here.
to further that discussion - apart from the WAS's displaying that before and after the B, how many of us LBS's go through that phase too, in some way...
brit - your comments about our feelings don't always reflect the reality of the sitch - [censored], i was starting to realize that too
i was feeling so discouraged over the last few days and then every time there was contact with h - it was friendly and opposite of what i expected because of the pic in my head, and then i would get confused about what is really happening and what i think is happening.
is that a sign that we are still too caught up in it, or rather just another result of the was's unexpected states of mind!!
it's true I was being a victim in "I'm a single mom now...he doesn't help me with things, I must be independant"
I did this^^ - until just recently . i think it mucked things up a lot between us. i'm only seeing it now and have changed it and the result - he is much more approachable. lesson learned: those ^^ are the subtle types of pressure we put on them, that we don't see, and that they take as clear signs that we are angry, unforgiving and do not really agree with what they are saying.
otoh, we have to do it first to find out that we can be ok on our own - at least i had to. the advantage of doing it is also showing them a bunch of 180's and taking off pressure. but i've found that it was a bit of a catch 22, in the long run.
hope you all have a great day -
(((( )))
Zig
I had a wonderful night out with S. Did dinner and a movie for his birthday. We had fun. I remembered how nervous and anxious I felt when I took him to a movie on my own back in Jan or Feb. I remember it feeling like a big deal that we'd do this on our own. And last night it was so normal and natural. I always think of myself as being confident and strong and now I'm thinking that actually I'd become quite meek and timid and insular....Even dealing with people working at the cinema or restaurants I'm so much more normal...strange.
I had a good interaction with H this morning. He texted me to say that he was going to take S out for dinner for his birthday if that was okay with me. I said yes that's fine. (a funny thing happened...all I wanted before was for H and S to have a relationship and now I feel a bit left out...I want to go to dinner with them!!! I didn't say that of course) I told him about an ad (from his line of work) that made me cry he said he knew the exact one. I mentioned that I had been planning to talk to him about doing a favour and mentioned it. and he said of course. consider it sorted. So I was very happy at that. And another reminder not to worry too much about should I or shouldn't I.
Last night (damn those films Zig) I had this massive pang of wanting children and feeling like that possibility has been taken away (at least for now) and I regretted not having kids with H. I worry that maybe I won't ever have more kids. But I also know enough people who have thought that and everything changes....
Today I had a giddy smile on my face on my way into work. the kind of smile that previously only "being in love" would have given me. And the more I thought about that, the more I smiled.
Today I had a giddy smile on my face on my way into work. the kind of smile that previously only "being in love" would have given me. And the more I thought about that, the more I smiled.
woohoo!!
smile on girl - we are invincible in the face of this - in spite of those damn films!!!
(((((((((( ))))))))))
zig
Hey Brit just catching up on your last few pages -
I think it's great that you sent him the message about S and that he responded positively. I completely agree that helping him feel not inadequate (double negative, sorry!) can only be a good thing in general and really it can only help your S if they end up having an improved relationship. And of course if you are half the person you sound like on here your S has a wonderful mother who is learning so much through this process to help him going forward. How lucky he is!!
As for the surprise with the train station I had a good chuckle. Good for you for refocusing on your expectations vs. reality. And it sounds like you had a lovely time with S on his birthday - hooray! I know EXACTLY what you mean about feeling meek/timid around others and not feeling that way anymore because I feel EXACTLY the same way!! It's probably what I'm most thankful for in this process. I also know exactly the pangs about not having children. Over the past week I've been worrying that going forward I'm going to sound pathetically desperate when dating people. I need to not do that
And YAY for the giddy smile - keep it up!! ( I do believe I read somewhere that just the act of exercising your smile muscles by smiling can contribute to PMA - that can only be good for you and bring good things to you!)
Thank you Vera for your lovely words!
H is here right now in the other room with Q. I felt a bit guilty because I'm so tired and didn't feel up to being fun and flirty...even friendly.
I dressed nice. We were talking and then he farted really loud and grinned and said Missed Me? (roll my eyes)
We were talking about S, about other stuff. We were talking about the yard and I said just sorta to myself keeping up with this house keeps me busy. And he said one day next week I'll come by and do it. I bit my tongue and didn't say you did a half ass job last time!!! But I didn't. I just said you sure? thanks.
I mentioned an event in a few weeks time something I heard that was going to happen there and he said which day? and I said why? and he said because I'm going the first day. and it just effing turned my stomache. I have always loved that event, and never been to a full day. He's always talked sh*t about. The first year we lived here we went after work and met up with his mum and sis but there was only a couple hours left of the day. And now he's taking a full day off to go with his family and GF!!!
Who knows maybe everytime he sees me he thinks so she could lose the weight AFTER we split?
I'm afraid after that I sorta clammed up.He and S are online in the next room ordering his present. They're going to dinner after that.
So NO sooner had I typed that H and S walk back into the living room and H says so we're going to have a couple of burgers up the road at the pub. And I say have fun..I'm going to have some left overs and he says would you like a burger from up the road with us? And I say sure! that'll be fun.
And I realize this was one of my goals when I read DR H inviting me do something OUTSIDE the house.
It was funny because I didn't feel strange or odd or funny. Maybe because I'd let myself get mad I felt a bit indifferent and then when we got there. I sorta felt like a family again but quickly realigned my expectations and told myself to stop thinking like that.
Because it was a pretty sunny night, we sat outside. I took off my blazer and I was wearing a silk halter top underneath and I know I looked amazing.... We both had a drink with dinner and I think it helped loosen us up. At first conversation was a bit awkward. I mentioned his stepdad and he mentions that GF is helping him with something business wise. A) I get that she's super intelligent, educated, and makes a lot of money B) getting involved in your BF (of 4 months) step dad's business dealings reeks of codependancy but we all knew that. I tried to ignore and move on.
He brought up something that happened early in our M. The story is a bit tedious. But basically he thought I'd laid out clothes for him (!!!!) and was blindly putting on clothes without questioning it. It freaked me out. And we laughed about it, but I remember that was the first time where I was like he doesn't even think for himself. Anyway he brought it up and said I was thinking about that the other day. And I just said...oh that was bad. And he said "I really am easily led" I am trying to read into this big picture wise....but I will say this is the FIRST time since his initial I'm going to be independent speech, that he's recognised his "drift"
He asked me about something I had posted on FB about and I told the whole story in the funny way I do making him crack up at several points. He even mimiced me doing a dance move at one point. It was like (better than) old times. S told a story and we all laughed. He sorta said something to S about how he wasn't taking care of the computer and in the past that might have created a bad dynamic, but I think all 3 of us handled it much differently. And it was fine.
Perhaps it was being outside the house but I found myself finding him attractive again.
He did talk a bit about GF who is a vegetarian but he thinks he has her turned around on seafood. I said nothing, but had several inside thoughts about how she shouldn't be giving up her convictions like that. This came after he said the burgers were so good and S said "and they're made out of meat." (I know he's so cheeky because he knows GF is a veggie)
On the way home, I, out the blue, told him that I'd sent off for my drivers license and that when I get paid next week I'm paying to take the written test. He did a literal cartoon version double take. This was always a sore subject between us. I have a DL from back home but to get one here I have to jump through hoops and I've sorta dug my heels in. Plus it's really expensive. I could tell he was impressed.
He gave me back the container that the food I'd given him last week for lunch was in and I said did you even rinse this out...and he said no, I just brought it straight from work. And I thought...but you didn't dare take it home because GF wouldn't have liked that. But I just said eww, hope it doesn't smell and laughed. (in the past I would have gotten upset that he couldn't have washed it at work? what they don't have a sink? etc)
When he dropped us off, he was fiddling with the seal on the door. And I said what are you doing and he goes just making sure my car isn't falling apart. He was leaning sort of over me to deal with the seal and I was getting out. He said I had a FANTASTIC time with you guys. And he said it like he really meant it. And I said we both know this car is held together with...and he put his finger over his lips and said ssssssshhhhhh Brit people don't need to know. And I said the secret has been out with me for 7 years! I KNOW you. And we were both laughing and it felt good. I shut the car door and he said. I had a good time guys. Brit, you look fantastic, I'll see you both soon.
I said okay bye and he left. Then S started talking about what dessert we had in the house.
I would type I don't know what to make of all that...but I just keep looking at my title. I have no expectations that any of tonight made any difference to anything. And I'm not changing my "plan" based on this. It's true I have been feeling a bit low lately. But in reality things are better between us then they have been in MONTHS. He was always the go with the flow guy and it drove me CRAZY. I liked lists, plans, timelines, goals, etc. And now I'm just going with the flow. I'm enjoying his company. I'm not really flirting. I'm being playful like I would with a really good friend. But I'm not flirting. I think that would be overkill.
Cheryl said that I need to make him feel good when he's around me and I think that's the enviornment I strive for. Even if we don't R, why wouldn't I want the person I called my best friend to feel anything BUT good around me.
So....thoughts?
ooops I meant to say I'm trying NOT to read into the big picture about him saying he's easily led.
One other thing, I think tonight was a reminder that you never know what's going to happen or when so obsessing about it is pointless. if you'd asked me a week ago I would have said that I never would have dreamed that H would invite me to have dinner. In fact Cheryl said that I could mention that me and S were going to do something and casually invite him and I was like yeah that'll never work because he's very "I'm in a relationship" mode. But then this happened tonight. And we had fun.
That's nice, Brit. It's good to enjoy each other and have your S along to enjoy you both.
Sometimes I think there are aspects of our H's personalities that drive us crazy. But, if we look back to the beginning, I think we'll see that those were the things that we admired at the start; the things that balanced out our personality traits and we wished we could be more like.
The challenge is to keep the balance.
I'm so glad he asked you to go and you had a good time!
the things that balanced out our personality traits and we wished we could be more like.
and then those things drove us crazy because why can't they be more like us...that's very true SS and something to keep in mind for the future
thank you!
good morning brit,
where is my morning brit update? i need to tell you that every day, i get my coffee and seek out your update bc you are so positive that your words help me have a better perspective on my day. Even when you struggle, you are open and insightful and find some way to make me laugh as your words resonate and I realize something more about myself..
you are on my gratitude list today. thank you, brit.
hope you are having a great day!
ps i added to your gratitude list another goal for myself..to reach out to three people (friends/family/DBers) daily. phone calls, cards or even short emails/texts to say hi and follow up with them.
Awwwwww so good to know that I am helpful!
So, I wasn't around because I had to go out of town for work and stayed over and came back today.
About midway through the day running from meeting to meeting, I took a few minutes to think (while washing my hands haha) and I thought the world, my world, is SO big. I felt confident, professional, in control, I don't know. It was good to remember that feeling because later relaxing with a drink I texted H something funny and how I'd had a really great day away and a not about the location. He never replied. I had expectations that he would reply. I wasn't expecting anything else. I was a bit surprised that he didn't.
I *almost* looked at his FB page to see of he was off somewhere with GF and that's why he didn't reply. And literally while the page was loading I shut it down and haven't looked! Yay me!
Looking at it, and not over analysing a text message that got no response....I will say that we had a really great time on Thursday night, and on Friday I texted him with a bit about my life. I think that was classic him getting closer and me overstepping. Granted its a lot lot better than it used to be but all the same it might scared the squirrel
So it was good to have had that feeling earlier in the day because later when I was upset about him not replying I thought hang on remember how you felt earlier? Remember where you are and why you're here! This trip is something that you have been looking forward to and it's exceeding your expectations. Why are you letting his response to you dictate your feelings.
So I'm still a bit mixed mentally I have a bit of a hold on it all but emotionally I do feel slightly down (but that could be a hangover)
I find myself being more jealous of him having a relationship that him not being with me. I want to be in a relationship, to have someone to share my day with, who looks at me with attraction in their eyes, who holds my hand, laughs with me, etc. I am missing that right now.
"I find myself being more jealous of him having a relationship that him not being with me. I want to be in a relationship, to have someone to share my day with, who looks at me with attraction in their eyes, who holds my hand, laughs with me, etc. I am missing that right now."
i feel the same way, brit. my H is not in a relationship (that i'm aware of) but i sometimes wonder if i really want HIM or just someone? would i want him back if i had an opportunity to be with someone new, someone who loved me for myself and didn't have all the history we have? i'm much wiser now but i don't know if my H could appreciate it...
A friend is having a party tonight and I know a lot of people on the guest list so I know there will be a lot of people I know there. I just realised that I haven't made plans to meet up with anyone before. I was planning to arrive alone because I knew I would know people. But in the past I'd never have done that. Even as recent as a few weeks ago I met up with a friend and didn't arrive alone to a work event. I can't believe how far I've grown in confidence, indepence, and my self esteem. I'm really proud of that!
Great job Brit, u should be proud..How'd the party go?
I am having a very lazy Sunday morning..catching up on everyone's sitches, watching bad reality tv, perusing ebay, and berating myself for not cleaning the house and going for a run since it's not raining. I'll give myself 20 mins and then I'll do it!
I haven't heard from H since he dropped me and S off on Thursday after taking us to dinner. I did send him that text on Friday and haven't heard from him. *shrugs*
I was watching a bad reality show and this girl said for the first time she was stepping into a healthy relationship..thats what she wanted and that's what she deserved and she hadn't let herself have that her whole life. And I thought about all the times in my life I made concessions on partners. yes, like my sister said I improved on each BF and H was a good guy....but he still wasn't the partner I deserved...I made concessions on the proposal, the wedding, his lack of ambition (saying it was a good thing because in my job I may need to move around a lot), he wasn't "my type" and I said but that doesn't matter because he's dependable, romantic, sweet, funny, etc. And now I think actually I deserve a partner who is all those things AND doesn't half-ass weddings, proposals, his career, the lawn work, vacations, etc. Someone who is decisive and independent.
When he brought up the whole "easily led" thing the other day I had to bite my tongue. I couldn't say "I always worried that you wouldn't have moved out of your ex GF's house if you hadn't met me and didn't history just repeat itself...me forcing you to be independent?" Perhaps him making that statement means that he's recognizing it, growing, I don't know.
I don't think he's happy half assing this...just like I wasn't happy when I was overweight and insecure (a 180 from the girl he met and married) So I do think he can learn and grow and change.
But all this goes back to him....his choices...his decisions...his life.
I know the partner I want...and I might not be him. On Friday I just felt like the world is so so so so so big....
Hey Brit, how are you? A having a lazy one myself..the weather is gorgeous. I suppose that should motivate me to go take a walk later
You do deserve nothing half a$$ed. Your next R should be fully a$$ed. And I pray all of ours will be.
I hope you have a great day!
you are in a gorgeous part of the country I love Frankfurt and Heidelberg. Enjoy the weather, I find if I force myself out after a few minutes I'm enjoying myself. It helped earlier in my sitch when my thoughts were too much to just force myself to go for a walk. People at work commenting on weight loss said where do you walk? And I said oh, I just go! not saying its for SANITY!!! in fact, a celebrity here said in a magazine that she lost a lot of weight after divorce because she started eating healthy and going for long walks. In the hairdresser's everyone was saying she had gastric bypass but I was like I can see her taking 2 hour walks! you don't know what it's like until you go through it and then for her...it's in the papers i couldn't imagine!
I did my run today..all those short term goals I was talking about with Vera, Dakota, and KD are really helping me feel good about myself.
I heard from H today. Nothing big. I had posted on FB this morning about a new tv show I was enjoying and he commented telling me about something else the actor had done. I guess it's a step for awhile he never commented. Then again I'm not commenting on his..because I don't look at it!!!!
brit-
im glad to hear you are reaching your goals.. i am too. only thing is, i think i am now a WAH.. i dont care anymore. i am GAL like crazy. i went on a date. it is a really wierd story. i enjoyed myself alot. i am still exercising and checking in here off and on.
keep it up brit. you will get what you deserve
I have just scoured your threads....no mention of dates...was this one of the FB ladies? We want the goss.
Truth be told I went on two dates myself (with the same guy)....I didn't want to mention I was worried about the backlash.
Spill!!!!!
lmao...oh it is gossip.. its a jerry springer story. i dont really care about backlash. like i said.. i fear i might be walking away. i am sick of sitting around hoping for something that might not ever be. beating myself up and all that. i want to be happy and have fun. that is who i am. i am getting back to me. i have learned and am going to continue to learn. i have alot to offer and women do like me. i have been getting hit on alot lately and it feels good. so instead of worrying about everything i just lived for the day. it was actually very nice.
so here goes..scouring aint gonna do any good. lol..anyway. so remember i contacted W of OM about info? well she has been txting me a bunch, talking about stuff. then she asked me to come over and hang out with her and her friends. i dont have any friends here really, so i did. had a good time. i was calm and confident. the normal me. hung out for like 6 hrs. she is kind of seeing someone, so i didnt hit on her at all. just had fun. now i would be a liar if i said i wasnt attracted to her. she is 100% my type. not taller than me, hair that i like, dresses nice, has tattoos..she is funny, kinda crazy has a great laugh and amazing eyes.
so i had fun. next day she was txting me all day. that night we went disc golfing with a bunch of people then to my house and hung out. next day she asked me if i wanted to do something with her. i did so i picked her up. took her out to dinner at this kinda wierd place that i love. good food. its got a wierd menu of healthy tasty stuff and is really a cool place to go. she has lived here her whole life and has never been. she really enjoyed herself and thanked me. i told her there was nothing to thank me for. i did it so we could have a good time and relax. i had a great time.
well the guy she is kind of seeing flipped out and is acting like a fool. they are not serious and neither are we. she came over last night. watched some comedy show and just talked. i really enjoy spending time with her. now i know this is not an ideal sitch and not dbing..im not trying to expect anything. i am hanging out because i enjoy her company. i am not trying to make W mad. i am not trying to be in a R with her. nothing physical happened. i am not ready for that. see where it goes. idk. im not overthinking this. just living my life.
theres the dirt..now you have to share so im not the only one getting 2x4ed..lmao!!!
Okay it's after midnight and u should go to sleep.:.but.....my fear is she is way too close to your sitch. If you have a lot of women hitting on you why her? The OM's W? It nice to be reminded that you can be attractive and desirable to someone. And I remember a time when you said that you were never going to love again so I'm glad that thinking is out the window!
Ages ago before I found this board I had been a member of an online dating site and I had met a few guys there. Once I started db'ing i cancelled it and even one of my friends said that she thought I was using it as a distraction. There was one guy who had my email address and he was working abroad. He emailed me every few weeks or so nothing flirty just friendly pictures of where he was sometimes I'd reply sometimes not. When he came home he asked if I'd like to meet up so I thought why not? I had no expectations, I couldn't really remember his pictures.
I had a lot of fun! And he wanted to see me again. But between my other GAL and work I was worrying how to fit in family time. And what dating looks like now that i'm a single mom of a teenager. The day we planned to go out again he got a call that he had to work abroad for 3 more weeks. He took me out for drinks and dinner at a very romantic nice restaurant. And said that he wanted to see me when he got back. I'm not so sure. Nice guy, not the smartest tool in the shed, I don't like that he'd be away so much.....even though I don't know how much of my life i'd want to give up.
its not midnight here..lol.. yeah she is close to the sitch. like i said.. i have no epectations and am not really pursuing anything. i am attracted to her and am curious. i am in no hurry for anything.
your guy sounds nice, but might be tough to deal with. i worked on the road alot and that was a huge problem in my M. not the smartest tool? that doesnt sound good. you are very smart. just sounds awkward is all. im glad you are enjoying yourself and seeing what life has to offer. keep it up brit! i am still rootin for you!
I meant I should be asleep haha insomnia for sure!
i know..i was thinking you should too! lol.. get some rest. you deserve it
wow guys - what are you two upto - i want in!!
no seriously - 2 x 4's
sd - it's too obvious - the OM's ex? c'mon!! you don't really expect us to believe it's mere coincidence. get honest with yourself! i've been following your sitch, and i can't imagine that in just a few months you are so detached and distanced from all the hurt that your w caused you that this woman just happens to be around.
take care of yourself sd - tread carefully here. whether you've given up on your marriage or not, you mustn't give up on taking care of yourself. and taking care of yourself, means taking care of your feelings and working through them and doing the work. besides what is she upto? you are her ex's ow's h!! there's messed up here, and before you bite off more than you can chew, you need to inspect what's really going on here.
brit - here comes yours!!
something in what you wrote is signaling to me that you are just going along with it - without much heart.
do you have trouble saying no? (like i used to?) it's an insidious underlying belief some of us have about ourselves - that we can't say no. - at least that's my latest new awareness (grin)
too many negatives in your description of the guy...
btw - both of you - you were commiserating with each other on some level. very telling!! not telling about your db'ing efforts, but telling about maybe the possibility that deep down you both know that this isn't completely right for either of you
ok - couldn't find the cotton wool, while i wrote that - but you know i love you guys anyway (clumsy attempt to soften the whacks!!)
hugs
zig
lmao...im sorry...i find it funny..my sitch anyway..i am detached.. i am done beating myself up. she cant do a whole lot more to hurt me. maybe she isnt trying to. either way, i am happy for her. she seems happy from what i hear.
i am not defending or making excuses. i am taking care of myself. this woman likes talking to me and wanted to do something, so i did. i dont know what her motives are. i dont really care. i wasnt trying to sleep with her. we had food and good conversation. she is totally my type so that made it all the more fun. are we going to do it again..who knows? was it coincedence that we met? not at all. i contacted her about OM. from there it went.
am i taking care of myself? yes i am. i am not expecting anything out of this. i had dinner. i had fun. would i do it again? more than likely. am i pursuing her? not at all. i am responding when i feel like it. in regards to my marriage. its dead. i havent given up. i am just not trying to save it. i cant talk to W. protection order and all. frankly i dont know if i want her back. her actions have been disgusting and hurt me a great deal. even now with the PO she sends me rude nasty texts. i dont even talk to her and havent for about 2 weeks. i have dropped the rope and i am being selfish and thinking about me. what can i do to be happy? what can i do to be a great dad? that is where my focus is. would i bring a woman around my kids as a girlfriend or a date. no way. totally unfair. when i dont have them it is nice to do stuff with people.
im sorry that i find it amusing. you gotta admit it is totally jerry springer stuff. lol i am trying to find humor and happiness. im sick of lonliness and hurt. i am laughing right now and smiling. i dont think its a bad thing. maybe ive just lost my mind. who knows. i do appreciate the concern and i am being careful. i know what i want in a R. i know what i want in a W. im never going to find either if i dont try and think negative all the time.
i can either cry all the time or laugh and smile. im sick of crying and smiling feels good right now. my heart deserves a smile once in a while. not because of this woman. because i am getting back to the real me. with improvements. my confidence is coming back. my negativity is going away. =)
Okay here's all the good stuff....he gave butterflies thinking about him after the first date, he's very good looking, he has the cutest accent, he was very complimentary and attentive, he's interesting, very travelled, close to his family, said he'd take a job with his company here if he met someone, but.......it was just two dates. I don't have a problem saying no. I have ended dates after an hour if i didn't like the guy. My time is valuable. Because we'd emailed on and off i did think it wiuld be nice to meet as friends. Unlike in the past I didn't self sabotage, I didn't jump in too quick, I enjoyed his company. I think it was a toe in the water. I don't really see a future for us. I'm not going to compromise any more when I meet a man. I think it had been a long long time since I'd sat across from someone at a nice dinner without anxiety (which is how all my post separation dates felt....but I kept running with those blinders on) and enjoyed conversation, flirting, holding hands.
Oh and I knew it was the right thing for me...I felt really proud of how I handled myself on the dates, the decisions I was making to not let a relationship interfere with the routines and time I'd built with S (even though the new guy had to go back but still I was consciously thinking lets not go with a flow think about how much time, when, etc you would spend dating and away from S) and that instead of floating away with the butterflies in my stomach I looked at it pragmatically.
I was literally afraid of the backlash thing here. I know how I've felt when others have put that they were done, or going to look for a new relationship and I was worried I'd get a lot of "well only you know when you're truley done" I don't know that I'm truley done but even if H turned around today I'd have a lot to consider. I became more and more aware that maybe he wasn't or couldn't be the partner I wanted. I'm not racing to find a new partner like in the past I'm just leaving more windows open!
One more thing.....that whole paragraph I just wrote would have given me a panic attack a few months ago! No plan? No what if's? Windows open willy nilly? Yep.....
and for goodness sake its a date or two.. brit its ok to have a little fun. i think you handled it well. i too would have had a panic attack just a couple months ago. i think it is a sign that we are going to be ok. if we personally are going to be ok, i think that opens the doors to just about anything being possible.
ok guys - was just poking and prodding a bit last night - wanted to get to what you two were really feeling within yourselves.
i can't say that dating is not acceptable during our sitches. i really don't know where i am at on that issue. i can't say that i wouldn't say yes if someone asked me out for a coffee, but i don't think myself that i'm ready for dinner!
what you both describe about your feelings - they sound really valid. if we are supposed to also view our future lives entirely without our h's it seems logical that we would at least dip our toes in the water to see what the alternatives are.
just wanted to make sure that your own states of mind were in a healthy place doing it. it's one thing to do it after detachment , another thing to do it as a reaction.
Great point, zig. Looking for the next shiny object to take our minds off what's really happening usually does not end well.
I have spent the majority of my life looking for "the next shiny thing" whether that was moving, a new job, a new vacation/adventure, a new man, anything to plan or "get my teeth in" to distract me from the here and now.
This is the first time in my life that I'm not wishing my life away in order to get to the next thing or place or person.
I am really happy and confident. I did the whole he's in a relationship...I should be going on dates too! That's when I had those two dates in April with highly successful men that I acted sort of crazy on/during and self sabotaged. I wasn't ready, I was doing it for the right reasons. I think actually when I did tell them those crazy stories from my past I was attempting to push them away.
I approached this completely differnt and my new no expectations, no plans mentality was the same. I just got to know someone...didn't let myself get swept away as I would have done in the past...good looking, nice, really into me...okay let's go with it. No not so much anymore.
I have spent the majority of my life looking for "the next shiny thing" whether that was moving, a new job, a new vacation/adventure, a new man, anything to plan or "get my teeth in" to distract me from the here and now.
Yes, we share that trait it seems. This process has taught me so much about my motivations and reactions and that it's not helpful to reach for whatever it is that's going to make me feel less anxiety in the short term.
Because it usually comes with a price.
Hey guys,
I too have been struggling with the idea of going out with guys... I have been on a couple of dates, and have even been asked out (by two people now!) and while I've enjoyed the dates, I've told them that I don't think I'm ready for a relationship, at least until I have some closure on the divorce "thing." They have been understanding so far but right now the problem is that I wouldn't even know how to choose! Haha.
it's not helpful to reach for whatever it is that's going to make me feel less anxiety in the short term.
Because it usually comes with a price.
wow - labug - i didn't realize that i felt that until i read this!! and i see how i tried to alleviate my anxiety through r's. but wow, do we pay the price
brit - i agree with everything you say - part of our growth here is to become the shiny object OURSELVES!!
part of our growth here is to become the shiny object OURSELVES!!
do you know what this guy let's call him A told me he split up with his long term GF (7 years) in Feb. and I was like WOAH, red flag, FEB? I know everyone's journey is different but that's really soon. He also said that she left him because he never proposed then they got back together and he proposed and a year later she left him. I said so why didn't you ever propose before she brought it up. He said I had bought a ring about 3 years in and then it just never felt right.....but he stayed with her until she walked away. Sorry, I'm not looking for another guy like H. I find myself listening more to these stories that told me about him rather than the butterflies I got or how pretty his eyes were!
I need a new thread
Yes, Brit, that's what scares me, too. The thought of starting over with someone new and all the "red flags" coming at me like javelins! I'm afraid that after this experience, no one would be good enough! ;-)
we got too wise about what we have to look out for.
that's a sign that we haven't completely gotten through this experience. we haven't yet relaxed into fully knowing an accepting people for what and who they are.
it will come
I see it completely different. I see it as my growth in that I can spot that instead of making concessions in my head (ie well that because she was the wrong girl....with the right girl he would have proposed sooner)
SS it doesn't scare me it makes me feel more empowered. I can see more clearly where I went wrong and what I want in a person. I find myself being less hung up on the old things: height, age, appearance and more about character traits. Of course there will be someone good enough because no one's perfect.
The biggest thing is trusting yourself to make the right choice I didn't before which is why I think I kept things fun, superficial, kept myself from being vulnerable. I'm not jumping into anything in the future! Being still is one of my favourite lessons
hi brit,
it made me sad to hear that you were scared to be open about your dates.
the whole purpose, i think, of this board is to get us to focus on ourselves, and to become more self aware, confident and strong. if that leads us and our spouse back into the M, that is great.. but we all know that does not always happen and that we are learning who we are in order to be okay no matter what....
it sounds like you are taking your growth and self awareness with you on the dates... and it is changing how you date and think about relationships.. sounds like more growth..
you are being okay no matter what..
((( )))