from sophiedaphne
My husband and I have been married for two years, together four. He said that he just doesn't feel the same way about me anymore -- the "spark" is gone and he doesn't feel we're compatible. He feels I've been selfish and took him for granted and was too emotional. He doesn't want to do things with me and isn't interested in working out our problems. I'm moving out this weekend into my own place. He has been really generous towards me and is helping me move, has bought me new stuff for my new place, has helped me pack, etc. He says I can use the washing machine at the old place whenever I want and will help me with whatever I need help with. We went to marriage counseling, and it made things worse. I really want to work things out with him -- I've been getting a life like crazy and so has he.
I don't know how to show him that I don't want to be selfish. I want to stop taking him for granted. I want to do things for him and show him appreciation when he does things for me. But we're not really talking now, so I don't know how to do these things. I don't want to play games and screw around with his emotions. I have stopped crying and talking about the relationship, but I don't know where to go from here.
A great pairing would be a vet with experience in one or more of :
* LRT
* GAL
* attracting the spouse back
Thank you!!!! I am really looking forward to getting some advice. It is so much appreciated.
-sd
Hi sophiedaphne,
I'm really sorry that you are having to go through this heartbreak and find yourself here but I am really pleased to 'meet' you.
I've just had a read through your threads and related to what you are going through. All of us here know what a roller-coaster this journey is so know that the board is great for support, venting emotions and asking for practical help when you cannot see the wood for the trees.
Two things really helped me when I first came here. The first was being able to talk for as long as I wanted about the subject that was taking up 99% of my thoughts with people that understood and 'got' what I was talking about and would never get sick of me. The second was not talking about it and talking about other things and forming a support group with a bunch of us here. I did this by posting to other people who I related to with either advice, when I gained more confidence, or just saying hi and supporting others.
From reading your posts it sounds like you have taken a really good look at yourself and your part in the marriage. This is really good, it opens our eyes to what we can change and improve on. Remember too that when we are at this stage of self examination you only focus on the negative things and not the positive. This guy fell in love with you so much so that he wanted to marry you. Focus on those things too. What was it when you first got together and were in that honeymoon period that was so attractive to your husband? In retrospect, what I wish I had done was to make a list of things which I needed to improve on but just as importantly make a list of what is good about you.
Something I read when I first came here was that this person I had become sine the 'bomb' was not really me. It was my reaction to a very difficult situation, and a very natural reaction - devastation. The problem is that devastation does not provoke a positive reaction in the other person it inflicts guilt and guilt is the very worst thing a WAH should feel. Feeling guilt makes them feel helpless and like they can do nothing about it (you have described that your h has expressed this a lot) and makes them not want to 'try'. Reducing guilt is one of the first steps in the path of Divorce Busting so...
Stage 1
Reducing negative feelings. What negative feelings do you think (and try and look at this from your h's point of view) your h is feeling towards you? What can you do to reduce these negative feelings?
There is lots more to say but I don't want to overwhelm you. If you want I'd be really happy to help you out if you have questions or need advice. Equally I will be not offended in the slightest if you don't click with what I have said.
I wrote this a few months ago in another thread on what I had learnt from this experience. I hope it helps.
What I learnt
- that you can't help people that don't want your help.
- rejection is heartbreaking but most of the time it is more about the other person than you.
- take responsibility for yourself. Look at your contributions to your marriage and learn from your mistakes. Do not blame yourself and dwell too much, forgive yourself, learn and move on.
- life is for living, enjoy yourself and be present because time is too precious to waste. You won't get your children's childhoods back ( or your late 20s in my case).
- life may not be what you envisioned but it has a funny way of working out.
- this will take time, allow yourself time to heal from the hurt and know (I promise) that things will get better.
- lastly, and most importantly take opportunities as they come along. This is time for growth, use it wisely.
Know that you will get through this whether your marriage is saved or not and it does get better but it takes time. I truly believe that DBing is the best way you will find to save a marriage on the brink and the tools I have learnt here I have taken with me and will use forever.
(((sophiedaphne))) ---- this is a virtual hug!
JCJ--
I'm glad you stepped in!
Thank you so much for your advice, JCJ.
I have been trying so incredibly hard to reduce those "negative" feelings. I've been trying to be more upbeat and smiley and if I feel like he's in a bad mood, I haven't been pursuing it. If he says he doesn't need help or doesn't want to talk, I just drop it. I'm definitely giving him his space and I have been very appreciative of everything he does, even if it seems really small.
Thank you again for helping me out... I wish to return the virtual hug {{JCJ}}
No worries, it is a pleasure and I hope I can help.
It is really easy to react to every little individual thing and trying to guess and second guess what he's thinking and feeling. It is an exhausting and impossible task.
What we need to get going here is you being proactive instead of reacting and what I mean by this is getting your confidence back and being attractive again. So I am going to push you a little harder, because I know you can take it.
Think about these points from above
- What was it when you first got together and were in that honeymoon period that was so attractive to your husband?
- What negative feelings do you think your h is feeling towards you? What can you do to reduce these negative feelings?
For example: when we first got together I was happy, confident etc. Insert your own descriptions here.
My h feels like I am too emotional, or I leave my socks on the bathroom floor. Insert your own decriptions.
For some reason I am still up at 2.30 in the morning here so I shall say good night but will check in soon.
Hi JCJ,
I am feeling really down lately. I don't feel as if any progress has been made. Husband helped me move yesterday and helped me put furniture together and was overall very generous to do this for me, but the whole matter was treated like a business matter. It makes me feel like despite being with him for four years, I am now just meaningless to him. And I guess that must be how he feels right now.
He was feeling negatively towards me because I was too dependent. I played too many games. I'm obviously doing neither of those things because I have no reason to/can't. I'm trying to laugh/smile when I can, although I have to say that has been the hardest part. He used to hate that he did all of the cleaning. Again, I can't really change this, but I obviously need to do all the work in my new place and I can only hope that he'll notice how nice I'll be keeping it.
When we went to marriage counseling, he said the things that he liked about me was that I was smart and kind and that we had the same interests. I've been trying to say yes to everything he asks for, because I think that he will perceive this as me being kind. For instance, we had had Roger Water tickets and I asked a friend to go, but now he is saying he'd like them, so I told him that of course it's fine if he goes. I'm trying to act confident when I speak to him. I'm doing a lot more things for myself. A few times he offered me help, and I told him, no, I got this!
But still, no progress seems to have been made. There is absolutely no indication that his feelings have changed towards me at all. We still talk to each other almost daily, but there is no emotional attachment to anything that is said. It's like, you owe me this money for that. Don't forget to get this from the apartment.
I know... no expectations. But I just feel like he will never change his mind. I'm still going out and doing new things and am thoroughly enjoying it...
I just read your thread and it touches me. I feel so much the same in many ways. I am quite new here, too, but I didn't write a lot, due to a writing aversion...
I read in your post that you can't do much about the cleaning situation. Now I don't know why, but I know that in my relationship this was one of the big problems. And I still feel I am unable to do something about it. I live in a horrible chaos because I just get paralized looking at it. Luckily (in this case) my husband is not here. He left us to be in Peru again, so he doesn't see it. But if I would ask him he would say I am a slot and I am just too lazy. But it's not true and I feel very misunderstood. I just can't do it alone. I am a person who needs someone around so I can function with daily things.. And I am trying since thirty years to be more tidy. I tried to explain him but he never understood and also he didn't want me to get help and when I did he was angry. So my big question is: What to do if I cannot change what my spouse dislikes? I mean, I am who I am, or not?
I would love to hear from others...
And I wish you, Sophiedaphne, all the strength and wisdom and love you need in this hard trip!
Do you want to be messy? Since you describe it as horrible chaos it sounds like you don't. How have you been trying for 30 years to be more tidy?
As someone with the same problem, and feeling as misunderstood and helpless as you, now working on it with more success (limited), here's what I can say.
If it's paralyzing you need help. Work on it with a therapist or use self-help books to try to understand why you feel paralyzed and why you let your place get messy when you don't like it that way.
Break it down into easier bits. Do you have a public and private area in your home? Can you start by trying to just make the public part look tidy more regularly?
Get the other kind of help - can you afford a housecleaner sometimes? Can you afford a few sessions with a personal organizer? I have one who will do a whole room in about 3 hours at $30/hour. I've even asked for Christmas for some time with her. Or pay a kid or teenager to help you clean up a room?
Is it inability to get rid of stuff? Maybe you need to figure out why that is and see if you can pare down how much stuff you keep.
The thing I learned is this. Your spouse doesn't get to make you change into something you're not - HOWEVER, in a relationship you do have an obligation to observe how your behavior impacts your spouse and take steps to modify your behavior if you want to change your negative impact.
I also learned this. If your spouse wants something (a cleaner house) and wants to dictate how he gets that something (a tidier wife) that's where you've got to negotiate. You can agree to a neater house with the help of a (cleaner, agreement about which rooms can stay messy, etc) but you get to provide some input that enables you to meet his needs and your own.
Also, you are who you want to be. If you don't want to be messy, get to work on you. Don't let H's not understanding and being critical make you resistant to working on a perfectly reasonable goal you might set for yourself to create a tidier home for yourself.
Hey guys,
Amada or anyone else, if you ever feel like you want to talk about any of this or anything else, feel free to email me -- mindy s gray at gmail dot com. I always find it helps.
Honestly, I'm not messy or dirty or even disorganized. I take pretty good care of things, but my husband was always eager to do the washing and clean the bathroom and clean the kitchen. I could have waited a little bit longer or may have done a less thorough job and been ok. He wanted to do it and sometimes I just didn't feel like doing it, and he would go and do it all. And if I'd offer my help, he'd say, no, it's ok. And if I DID try to do something, he'd tell me I did it wrong. I tried to clean the food processor the other week and forgot to take off a piece to clean, and he was annoyed about it. That kind of thing wouldn't bother me. I guess he felt like he was the one doing it all, but he didn't have to be so over the top about it and could have asked for help and could have been a little more lenient and not put me down so much.
I think the biggest two things in my situation was being too dependent and playing too many games.
I am happy for you, that you found a way to have it easier with the tidyness. I can tell you this:
I am working on myself, I go to therapy, I have a coach, I am reading self help books, I had women who came to clean, I had an organizer who came every week, I made plans, I've thrown away tons of stuff and so on, and so on.
I don't have problems to throw away things. I just can't find a daily routine.
And I tried to negotiate with my husband. He wouldn't listen nor talk to me. He just wants it the way he wants it.
So, I think it's not very fair of you, accusing me of not wanting to be more tidy, especially since you don't know me at all.
I tried to write this to you in a PM, but they are disabled.
My last post was for adinva
Oh hi Amada - I just realized I was in sofiedaphne's bootcamp and hijacked it. I am sorry I came across as accusing you, and it probably is kind of an accusation, so I see that. If I weren't struggling with the same thing (both the tidiness and the overarching question of changing for someone) I wouldn't have felt so free to share my experience. And that's all it is, my experience. We can take it up in my thread or yours if you want to, but I sympathize with how much you've tried. I feel empowered to change anything I don't like about myself now, and I wish you did too. Best regards, Ad.
Adinva
Thanks for the apology.
Amada
Hey guys.
I am going out tonight with some new internet friends which I guess will be nice. Husband has to come around again one day this week to give me a couch. I don't know what to do. I feel so sad.
Congratulations on deciding to go out!! I wish you a lot of fun
I do things to GAL, too and many times I fees sad, but I still believe it's one of the most important things I can do...
((((sophiedahne)))
You are being so strong, I know that it might not feel like it at times but what you are doing takes an incredible amount of strength. Kudos to you!
This does all take time I'm afraid, a word I grew to hate was patience but it really was the key to progress. This does not mean sitting back and waiting but letting go of expectations that things will happen at certain times, or if this happens then this will.
In my sitch I had the greatest trouble letting go of 'stuff' - by which I mean the sale of our house. Someone gave me a good bit of advice once which was do you want your husband to come back because of your 'stuff' or because of you. I actually found that once we had let go of the 'stuff' through out which time I showed him grace, poise and that I was ok (throw in a bit of emotion because we are only human) was when we started to move into stage 2 - friendship. He then started asking to meet up with me which was a huge achievement because at the start of it all he would barely talk to me.
He also helped me move house and this was a good opportunity to be attractive. Men are very visual, look good. Not only will it help your situation it will also make you feel better. Show grace, I read a good book on 'feminine grace', yes this is a horrible time but you can cope and you are very evidentally doing so. Show him this by just being you, the you he fell in love with - he thinks you are smart and kind but are too dependent. Now is your time to show him you are Ms Independence by GALing.
Also, just a piece of advice I wish I had taken to heart although it is the hardest because it is scary. Don't be too available, read the bit in DR about this.
Don't expect too much too quickly. The problem is, how can they show you their feelings are changing until they are sure, just as they didn't before they dropped the bomb, hence the expression. Look for signs of progress in other ways, the fact that he is in contact with you, the fact that he does things for you (have you read the 5 love languages?).
Have a think about these questions and we can frame up some goals if you would like.
What would you like to change about your relationship?
What are you doing that is working and producing good results?
What are you doing that isn't working and producing bad results?
What can you do to be a more attractive prospect to him? As 25mlc says, be someone only a fool would leave.
you are doing a good job, I know it looks bleak and I understand all that you are feeling but you will get through it I promise.
I'm posting because I may have taken it a little too far. Basically, I was with friends at a party in Brooklyn. Things got out of hand, and I kissed a boy. Of course, now I feel really guilty about it. I guess there's not much I can do about it now, but I just felt like I needed to talk about it here. Husband has no way of finding out, but I do feel very badly about it.
In terms of what has happened with husband lately: his mutual friend told me that husband said that he thought me moving out was "for the best" but he was happy that we were not fighting (which we're not). At aforementioned party, my cell phone got stolen by my friend's sister's friend, and husband got the message showing that I had bought a new phone and he texted to ask if something had happened. I explained the situation and he apologized and then made a joke, which he has not done in a long time. He said something to the effect of "just keep sending random annoying beeping noises to the phone!" (which you can do with iCloud if you track an iPhone). He also called me for the first time the other day, because I had asked him about a router since the wireless signal in my new apartment is very poor. That was surprising; I thought we were kind of just sticking to texting/emailing/google chatting. He has also been working a lot of hours and has been taking all of the overtime that he can at work, which I guess is good for him because I know things will be tight for him financially for awhile. We really have not been talking a whole lot though.
He is coming on Friday so we can swap cars, and he also has the couch/router/other random bits to give to me.
I have been taking care of a lot of things for myself that I otherwise probably wouldn't have. I felt so compelled to call him so many times and ask him what to do. In particular, the cell phone thing (omg what phone/plan should I get!) but I figured it out on my own, and my car battery died, but I took care of that too.
I feel like I really screwed up here, and I feel terrible about it.
Well, feeling vulnerable plus alcohol, these things happen. I did the same about 6 months after the bomb actually it was more than a kiss with me. Didn't make me feel great but was probably a reflection of my self esteem at the time. Don't beat yourself up, learn and move on.
Have you had a think about the questions above?
Thank you, JCJ. I was panicking, I felt so guilty.
What I'd like to change.
I don't want to always feel like I need to be right.
I want to feel like I can give my husband space and he will come back when he is done with having space. I don't want him to feel bad for wanting to spend time doing other things.
I don't want to always feel like I'm waiting for him to talk to me or contact me or make it obvious that he is thinking about me.
What am I doing that's working.
I don't know. I'm trying to just be calm and accepting, but I still get annoyed over stuff. Just yesterday, he asked me, "what are you planning on doing about laundry?" We'd already discussed this ten times, and he said I could go back to the old apartment to use his washing machine. I said, "I guess I'll just find a laundromat?" and he said ok. And I got really upset, because he already said I could use his washing machine, and I already said that I wanted to. So I said, like, "I guess you changed your mind!?!" and he got angry. But we had already discussed it, so I don't know why he had to bring it up again.
Meanwhile, we are talking online every day and I guess everything is fine and we're not really fighting in general. Everything is just so business-like. I don't know how to change the dynamic of our conversations, but I feel like NOTHING has changed. The one thing that I am making sure I do is to say thank you for everything that he does and tell him how much I appreciate things.
I just can't do what Chuck said to about laughing and smiling. It just isn't natural and doesn't seem to fit in with the dynamic we have right now. It's all business, all the time. I try to laugh when it's appropriate, but there has just not been a good time to do it.
I just don't know what else I can do.
I don't know if I'm losing my mind, but I swear I've posted to you on this thread,
but can't find my post.
Maybe you have several threads...which is why it really helps if you stick to just one (just sayin'...)
I'm trying to find my previous post and questions to you...alas, I cannot find them...
Well, I'll give this a try but I don't want to repeat myself any more than usual!
Thank you, JCJ. I was panicking, I felt so guilty.
What I'd like to change.
I don't want to always feel like I need to be right.
Then stop it...
Where the head goes, the heart will follow. You KNOW in your head it's impossible to be right all the time AND frankly, it's annoying.
MUCH healthier to speak your piece and let it go if things do not go your way.
There are very very few "battles" worth fighting. Pick them wisely.
I want to feel like I can give my husband space and he will come back when he is done with having space. I don't want him to feel bad for wanting to spend time doing other things.
You only control the first above b/c you do NOT control how HE will feel or react. If you don't want him to feel a certain way, then do not try to control the outcome or manipulate with guilt/pouting or shame inducing words.
If he still feels bad and you KNOW it wasn't on you, then let go of it. Not your problem.
But you are essentially discussing your fear he wont' come back and that is a reflection of low self esteem (unless he's a chronic deserter).
Ask yourself Why a man would leave a good catch like you?
your fear is "Oh he already left..so if I'm so great, why'd he leave me?"
and I'm saying that once you make the changes you need to make you will be the better choice.
Most healthy people need time alone and with other friends. They don't get all their needs met by their spouse-
and that's NOT a reflection of a bad marriage
but a marriage with some independence.
No offense, but Much of your posts reek of co=dependency and it's a turn off for your h. Right or wrong, it is. Frankly, he's probably looking for some healthy boundaries.
I think the book for you (other than the Div Busting books)
is "Co-dependent No More"...please read it asap. Many people say it helped them to detach and have some healthy boundaries and Not smother their WAS which only pushes them farther away...
During my younger sister's first m, She hovered around him in their marriage and took up almost NO hobbies or outside interests if it interfered with her time with her h. She HATED it when he was gone for work or on any outing not including her.
In retrospect, it would have been GREAT if she had continued in her passions b/c they made her happier AND a lot more interesting. She "brought something to the table"...but she chose to revolve around him and that got old fast, and boring to him, and she was emotionally needy too...
so when he dropped the bomb
she panicked, and smothered him MORE, and, well, she just lost her shiTT.
He had an OW and married her. It has been >10 years. My sister also remarried.
But she spent YEARS wondering about her ex h, even after he remarried. She kept up with him thru FB and mutual friends and she obessed about it for a LONG Time...really until she remarried.
In sum, She's very dependent on the man in her life. She's funny and smart but won't change her inner core - and there are childhood issues she'd rather repeat forever, than look at...
I don't want to always feel like I'm waiting for him to talk to me or contact me or make it obvious that he is thinking about me.
yes - this ^^ is just way too much dependence& hovering. It screams out "insecurity!". It's not attractive, sorry.
Why must he obsess about you? Does his work involve you? Do his hobbies involve you or looking at you or talking about you?
Seriously, why would your h "need" to think about you when he's not w/you?
My h is an MD, and I hope to God he's not reminded of me at work when he does his surgeries or talks to cancer patients...he used to be a veterinarian and I sure as heck hope his work with cows and dogs did not make him think of me...
why must your h think of you AND make it obvious? It sounds really high maintenance.
What was your parent's marriage like? Where did you get this vision of marriage and the need for so much reassurance?
What am I doing that's working.
I don't know. I'm trying to just be calm and accepting, but I still get annoyed over stuff.
THAT^^ is within YOUR CONTROL - and that is empowering.
Just yesterday, he asked me, "what are you planning on doing about laundry?" We'd already discussed this ten times, and he said I could go back to the old apartment to use his washing machine. I said, "I guess I'll just find a laundromat?" and he said ok. And I got really upset, because he already said I could use his washing machine, and I already said that I wanted to.
2 issues strike me.
First, do you really expect to keep on using the machines in your FORMER apartment, that YOU LEFT, for LONG TERM? Seems clear that it would be a temporary solution...
and second, what's with the word games?
IF you think you are going to keep using the machines that are there and that he meant for you to keep using it ...say so
OR If that's what you want to do, then say so. Why not come right out and say what you mean?
"Oh I was hoping to keep using the machines, and thought it was fine w/you''.
NO NEED TO GET UPSET...or play guessing games.
you are making this more complicated than it has to be. And you never really explained why YOU moved out...
So I said, like, "I guess you changed your mind!?!" and he got angry. But we had already discussed it, so I don't know why he had to bring it up again.
Meanwhile, we are talking online every day and I guess everything is fine and we're not really fighting in general.
Please do NOT pursue him online (stalk or use fb to contact him, including indirectly...)
and don't be so available. And End the conversations first. Have you read the "rules" for newbies?
Everything is just so business-like. I don't know how to change the dynamic of our conversations, but I feel like NOTHING has changed. The one thing that I am making sure I do is to say thank you for everything that he does and tell him how much I appreciate things.
did you thank him for the use of the laundry machines? that must have felt so weird/awkward for him to have you there after you'd gotten your own place. Can you see how dependent you still seem to be?
Get to a laundry mat and deal w/it without him. I would not go over there for anything, until he invites you over to spend some time.
But do NOT TELL HIM THAT...just show with actions and sometimes, silence, that you are becoming the woman he wants to be with.
I just can't do what Chuck said to about laughing and smiling. It just isn't natural and
have you been depressed before all this? Why do you say it's not natural? You mean "now" or usually?
doesn't seem to fit in with the dynamic we have right now. It's all business, all the time. I try to laugh when it's appropriate, but there has just not been a good time to do it.
I just don't know what else I can do.
be a warm interested person and an interestING person, which means going out of your comfort zone a whole lot more than you are so far.
Rent comedies or go see live comedy and talk about something FUNNY b/c laughing is a great bonding experience and it lessens stress.
Be upbeat and optimistic about YOUR Future...w/or without him...knowing you will be alright no matter what. More than "alright".
let that radiate from within. It's appealing and attractive. Back WAY WAY OFF OF HIM.
give him enough space and rope to fall off a cliff-- b/c you are GAL
and you have too much to do to keep waiting around for anyone else.
do you want this thread 'stuck' or is it ok to unstick?
Hey.
So, I've definitely been trying to back off, and I can't say it has been working in regard to my husband's response, but I guess I'm feeling a little better.
However, I did have a little setback.
We had concert tickets to see "The Wall" on Saturday and I had invited a friend to go, but husband asked me if it would be ok if he took a friend. I didn't feel like arguing about it, so I just said fine.
The next day he texted me to ask me some question and I asked him how the concert was. He said it was good, and I asked him if he went with a work friend. He said, "yes, I took a friend." I found it weird that he answered as such, mostly because I know his friends' names, so I wasn't sure why he didn't just say which friend he took (not that it's any of my business) and curiosity got the best of me and I asked if there was someone else. He said no and told me that that was a hurtful question for me to even ask.
I don't really see how...
Anyways, I forgot to change my address on amazon and something that I ordered is being shipped to my old apartment so I will unfortunately have to stop there at some point to get it, so I will see him. I will try to take the above advice.
I have also been asked out by three different people in the last week. One was a high school friend, the other a college friend, and the third was a guy I just met through a vegetarian/atheist group I'm a member of. I have to say, it's so tempting to start dating again but I've already told them all that I just don't think I'm ready and I don't want feelings to get hurt because it's too soon. (Also, I would have no idea how to pick which guy to date, haha.)
I did go out to dinner with one of them last night, and I had a really nice time. Unfortunately, he is probably a little too old for me. I'm also going to splish splash (water park) on Sunday with my college friend. It should be fun!
I am definitely GAL and having a lot of fun. I keep having dreams about my husband and I reconciling, though, so when I wake up, it hits real hard.
Hey.
So, I've definitely been trying to back off, and I can't say it has been working in regard to my husband's response, but I guess I'm feeling a little better.
However, I did have a little setback.
We had concert tickets to see "The Wall" on Saturday and I had invited a friend to go,
out of curiousity, you said "we" had tickets..." But who had gotten the tickets, you, him, or both of you?
but husband asked me if it would be ok if he took a friend. I didn't feel like arguing about it, so I just said fine.
The next day--- I asked him if he went with a work friend. He said, "yes, I took a friend." I found it weird --- and curiosity got the best of me and I asked if there was someone else. He said no and told me that that was a hurtful question for me to even ask.
I don't really see how...
you don't see how? Well, maybe b/c it implies that he is a liar.
Or maybe b/c it's near the truth.
We don't know. But it's sort of pointless to wonder about things that cannot yield you a positive answer. Do you know what I mean?
Anyways, I forgot to change my address on amazon and something that I ordered is being shipped to my old apartment so I will unfortunately have to stop there at some point to get it, so I will see him. I will try to take the above advice.
Every interaction is an opportunity for you to show him a change in you.
So be the change you want to see in yourself. Even if it's just for an hour of "Practicing" or faking it til you make it, it's a start.
Remember the negative images that you want to counter, and what types of positive images and actions would help you do that.
Let him learn to be comfortable and unpressured around you. Do not show disappointment or expectation. The more relaxed he becomes, or learns to be, the easier it is to be around you then the more you can bond together again.
I have also been asked out by three different people in the last week. One was a high school friend, the other a college friend, and the third was a guy I just met through a vegetarian/atheist group I'm a member of. I have to say, it's so tempting to start dating again
Uh, wasn't your other thread about how you made out with a guy and then felt bad? (titled, "I Kissed a boy& I liked it but now I feel bad" ???)
So how many times are you going to go down this same road?
Why do you think you do this?
And if your h had taken a woman to the concert, how would you feel? I mean he left you for reasons you admit were valid. So, aren't you trying to show him the new different you?
How would dating ANYONE ELSE now, show the new you? You said you want to become more selfless, that you don't always need to be right, that you don't always have to have a man thinking about you, and that you are not high maintenance?
So how does dating, WHILE supposedly wanting to reconcile, show any of those things?
AND How would it be fair to the new guy?
Also for you to be asked out 3 times in one week means you are putting out a signal you might want to look at.
Either it's neediness radiating from you, or a lot of flirting, but neither seems appropriate or healthy, just right now, correct?
but I've already told them all that I just don't think I'm ready and I don't want feelings to get hurt because it's too soon. (Also, I would have no idea how to pick which guy to date, haha.)
So you know you are not ready to date.....Just curious, Why would they ask you out at all if they think you are working on restoring your marriage?
I did go out to dinner with one of them last night, and I had a really nice time.
Wait...what?? So you ARE Dating?? Wow, I'm confused now.
Unfortunately, he is probably a little too old for me. I'm also going to splish splash (water park) on Sunday with my college friend. It should be fun!
I am definitely GAL and having a lot of fun. I keep having dreams about my husband and I reconciling, though, so when I wake up, it hits real hard.
Mornings are often the hardest, I know. But what I don't know is,
What is it that you really want most?
Are you honestly willing to work on yourself even if there is no guarantee he'll come back-
and the only "thing" you'll get is an improved you?
Hi Sophiedaphne, how are your goals coming along?
DBmod, please feel free to unstick if you like.
I found out he was having an affair.
Sophiedaphne, you precious woman!
I am so sorry to hear...
May God comfort you!
And may you find the strength to keep on galing and and divorce busting, because, I believe it's worth it, no matter what
Love
Amada
I'm so so sorry Sophiedaphne, that is heartbreaking.
How are you doing? I am thinking of you. Betrayal is so horribly hurtful, and you must be going through a very hard time now...At least it was that way for me, when I found out...
Also I wanted to say sorry for mentioning God. I forgot that you wrote about the atheist group and for me it is so natural to think of God, since I 'm a believer. There was no intention. So please accept my apology. =)