My husband of almost 4 years filed for divorced today. Well, I think he is at the courthouse doing it right now. I am lost. We've been having problems for a while and he's mentioned divorce but until this Monday, I had no idea he was so serious. He said that he was filing today. I'm calling an attorney tomorrow.
Help please! I love him so much!
Jessica
Sorry Jess but you need to get it together and Lawyer up! Four years is not very long so not sure it will be a long drawn out divorce. Do you have kids? Tell us a little more.
Don't cry or beg he's made up his mind. Stay strong.
Luv
Thank you. Sorry, he just returned from filing for the divorce as I was typing before so I didn't get to add much background.
We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter who is our world. He also has 2 kids from his first marriage. They live with their mother most of the time and come see us when they can. They live about 2 hours away and are both teenagers.
I am calling an attorney tomorrow. I've stayed at home with my daughter for the past 2.5 years so I'm looking into legal aid. I am reading over Michelle's Divorce Busting book and just ordered the Divorce Remedy book.
He's been talking about this for awhile but I guess I didn't take him serious enough. On Monday, he told me he was filing today.
There's no affairs or abuse or anything like that. Mostly irreconciable differences. In his mind. I know we have problems but I think if we communicated we could work them out.
He's leaving tomorrow to go stay with his mom for the time being. Me and my daughter are staying in our house until we can find somewhere else to live. We rent and I can't afford it. I need to find a job and figure out my next move. I am able to stay with my parents if needed but I'm trying to avoid moving my daughter around too much.
My husband says I can have whatever I want. I just want us to work this out.
Jessica
have you gotten Michelle's books??
Sorry Jess but you need to get it together and Lawyer up! Four years is not very long so not sure it will be a long drawn out divorce.
the length of the marriage MAY relate to assets or children but a relatively short marriage does Not mean a shorter divorce. Your state laws, assets brought into the marriage, children, incomes, will affect your property division and your custody and that all takes time to work out.
You can probably slow this down. But NOT by begging or pleading. Please get the Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy book and read it asap.
The basic premise is that you do MORE of what helps the relationship,
and less or none of what it hurts it.
It's a Simple but radically different approach from what many counselors do. They ask about the past and your history and childhood and all the "issues" instead of being solution based, which this site IS.
Be in the present to solve today's problems.
So, for instance, if he can't stand the nagging or complaining, then criticize NOTHING.
If he says you are too clingy, or needy, then please BACK OFF...
IOW, do the opposite of what has been hurting the marriage AND that is called doing a "180"...
be LESS predictable. READ THE BOOKS ASAP...
Do you have kids? Tell us a little more.
Don't cry or beg he's made up his mind. Stay strong.
Luv
Since I don't know anything about either of you or why there is conflict
I would not venture to say that your h has "made up his mind".
People get confused, emotions cloud judgement and people also change their minds all the time.
To reconcile, your h will have to believe one simple thing:
That marriage to you can be better/different than it was before.YOU will have to show him that YOU can change and that the marriage can be different.
Even if you think "HE IS WRONG" and "YOU ARE RIGHT",
that is NOT important at this moment.It's not about being right; it's about being happy.
What matters for now, is that
YOU SHOW CHANGE IN HOW YOU INTERACT...
and-
do more differrent things, join a club or take a class or learn something that you always wanted to learn.
That's called "GAL" (Getting A Life) and Divorce Busting emphaisizes it b/c it really helps YOU feel better, become better
and become more attractive. Needy clingy crying women are NOT appealing so don't surrender to the anger or pain you feel, in front of him.
Turn your marriage/pain over to God and read these books and hire a DB coach if you can. Divorce costs more, trust me on that.
Become a woman only a fool would leave.
Who were you when you two fell in love? Be that woman again, and read the books and this site.
You are not alone.
You will survive this, you will thrive after this and you may even save your marriage.
NO matter what, you'll save yourself...
Thanks everyone! It's hard being on moderated status because you can't get your reply in a correct order.
Good advice about the "GAL".
It's also good advice about backing off and not begging and pleading, which I had done both at the beginning of this. Criticizing was a big part of my problem as well.
How to implement this since he is not here is the hard part.
Jessica
My posts aren't showing up so it is hard to ask for advice. I know they are moderated but it seems like it is taking a super long time.
I got accepted into a Nursing Assistant Training program today at a nursing home and will start a week from Monday. Only problem is I'm not guarenteed first shift or full time. I don't know what I'm going to do with my daughter while I'm working.
WAH called today and asked how we were doing. Said he missed me and was crying last night because he missed our daughter so much. He'll be by on Saturday to see her. I told him about the job and he was excited for me. Said he will help me figure something out for care for our daughter.
We'll see how Saturday goes.
Jessica
WAH came over today (Saturday) to spend time with our daughter. It was so weird. He picked up food and picked up dog food and medicine. He called me to ask some questions and kept asking if I was mad at him. Well duh! But I didn't say that. He was upset because when he came over she was still sleeping and when she woke up she wasn't super excited to see him. You could tell he was excited to see her. He kinda ran in to see her. Even though I'm mad about the situation it was sweet. She was very grumpy and wanted to be with me. She warmed up after dinner though. I went out for a little bit so they could spend time together.
I don't know how to act around him. Of course, I don't want to act desperate but how do I act? I dressed nice, with makeup and perfume and he noticed.
Help!
Jessica
WAH came over again today to spend time with our daughter for father's day. It was weird again! I made a mistake and was a little too emotional and brought up the relationship and how he was leaving me. What to do?
He has been extremely nice and apologizing all of the time. He said he'll be back over tomorrow before work if he gets up in time and he's coming over on Tuesday to stay with our daughter for a couple hours because I have orientation for my new job.
I need advice on how to navigate this situation and not make it any worse!
Jessica
How do I react when WAH asks if I hate him? I don't but I am very upset with him, of course. I think he is suffering a MLC but I'm not positive. I tell him of course I don't hate him. No one does. I'm hurt more than anything. If he reaches out I don't want to be emotionally distant because I'm afraid that will make things worse. I need to go to bed instead of worrying about these things.
Jessica
WAH came over again today before work. He called first and apologized because he had just woken up. Today went really well. I did not get upset or act needy or heartbroken. I even went to the post office to pick up the divorce papers (I had a certified letter slip in my mailbox on Friday and couldn't get it until today). We talked very calmly about the fact that an initial court date hasn't been set and that it would be nice if it could wait until I'm done training for my new job. We sat together and watched our daughter play. It was pleasant.
Got my 'The Divorce Remedy' book today and started reading it. I am so excited! It seems very practical and informative so far.
Can't wait to hear other people's advice!
Jessica
How is the best way to get encouragement and advice here? It takes awhile for my posts to appear because of moderation (which I understand and can imagine it is a huge job with all the posts) but by the time my posts show up, the thread ends up being way down the line.
WAH was here again today. He actually came over straight from getting off 2nd shift and stayed the night because I had to go to work this morning to get a drug test and physical. He even slept in the same bed with me. That was weird. We didn't talk till after I got home and he got home from the park with our daughter. He picked us up food and was really nice. I am very stressed out about getting child care for our daughter because I won't be working normal 9-5 hours and there is not a lot available around here. He said we would figure it out.
We've been very pleasant with each other and I'm trying not to show any negative emotions. It hasn't been that hard when he's here but I'm struggling when it's me and my daughter. I am exhausted, emotionally and physically, and feel like I have nothing to give right now. It makes me feel even worse because I have less than a week until I start work and am not a SAHM anymore. I should be doing as much as I can with her this week but there really isn't much to give right now. It makes me so mad that my husband is putting us in this situation. But I'm trying to stay strong so I don't break down!
I need encouragement!
Jessica
There are a lot of more knowledgeable people on the site who can give you R advice, but I'll try to help with moderation.
It can be very frustrating to have to wait until your posts appear. For now, use the site to journal anytime you think of having any R talk with your H. I'm not one to call friends and vent, plus my H was my best friend, so it's been very helpful to get it all out here.
The more frequently you post, the sooner you will get off moderation and then your posts will appear instantly, increasing your chances of getting replies.
Thanks! That makes a lot of sense! It has been helpful to write everything down and get it off my chest.
Hi Jessica.
SBR has provided you with good information for getting the support you need.
If you can keep your posts short, post a couple times a day (and journal if you need) and also if you engage others with support in their threads, that will help encourage others to engage on your thread and also help get you off moderation, quicker.
Hi Jessica -
My H also asked if my parents hated him after he made his decision for D. I told him they didn't (they don't). It sounds like your H may be worried about being considered the "bad guy" in this situation. You can't really control how he feels about that but you can say that you don't hate him, if that's true, which it sounds like it is.
One of the things my DB coach recommended was not showing any negative reaction to getting the divorce papers (crying/screaming/yelling/etc.). I can do that on my own time. As my coach and many others around here have said - it's just a piece of paper.
25yearsmlc has given you some great advice on the previous page of this thread. Go back and re-read it if you feel like you need a little boost.
Are you seeing an IC?
Makes sense. I have a hard time knowing what to say to other people. I guess I just need to support and emphasize because I really don't have any advice.
My husband says it's okay if everyone thinks he's the bad guy. I tell him that no one hates him that they are all just sad for our situation. My parents are angry with him but do not hate him.
I was very calm about receiving the divorce papers and we actually were able to calmly discuss a few things about them.
25yearsmlc did give some great advice. I will need to re-read the advice.
I hope we have a good day today when he comes over. Not sure when that will be.
Is an IC a counselor? I am not seeing a counselor currently.
Jessica
Journal Entry:
I am frustrated because he hasn't called today to see our daughter. I made a mistake and called him and left a VM seeing if he was coming over before work. I was very upbeat and did not criticize. I also said if he didn't have time to come over maybe we could all grab lunch before hand. I hope I didn't make too big of a mistake by calling. It's strange that he hasn't called back yet. I hope he doesn't oversleep for work. He has a lot of sleep problems with doing swing shift. Trying not to be frustrated. It would make her happy if she could see him.
I'm going to church tonight so hopefully that helps.
I got a letter saying that Legal Services could not accept my case because their caseload is too big. Now I need to figure something else out. More stress!
WAH apparently stopped by while me and my daughter were getting lunch. He called and apologized for not calling before he left. We had a good, short talk. Very pleasant and he said he would be by tonight after work because he is staying with our daughter tomorrow while I have orientation.
I opened my own checking account so now I have somewhere for my work checks to go. I'm going to church tonight and tomorrow I will start calling some more attorneys. I'm also going to call for information about getting assistance for child care and call a few more apartments. The best thing for me to do right now is keep busy.
Me and my daughter went to church and had a wonderful time. It really did wonders to calm my nerves and I'm recharged to face tomorrow.
Jessica - welcome to the board. I think you'll find a lot of caring people here and a lot of good advice.
I think you've been given a lot of good advice by the others.
Like 25 said, you can probably slow this down. Take the extra time if you get and use it to your advantage. This is an opportunity to become the best possible version of yourself.
For me, GAL'ing has been very helpful. It was best to engage in healthy activities that I felt made me a better person. I also enjoyed those activities and still do. I have met a lot of amazing people here on this board and outside the board along this journey.
Hang in there. You'll be off moderation soon if you are not already.
Thanks! I hope I can slow this down. I have no idea how to though. He seems determined that this is the best course for us. He is stubborn as all get out. And I don't want to bring up any relationship talk, of course. But I am trying harder, especially in not giving into my feelings.
Need to find some GAL activities. I am a lot businer than ever now, since I'm starting my new job on Monday and trying to find an apartment and get a lawyer and everything else that's going on. I'm exhausted right now and need to go to sleep.
Not sure if I made a mistake last night. WAH came over after work because he needed to be here in the morning to stay with our daughter while I went to orientation. He slept in bed with me and we ended up being intimate.
I got to talk to him for a little bit when I got home from orientation. He was tired so didn't talk that much but listened while I told him about orientation.
He thanked me for last night. Just not sure if it was a good idea or not.
Thoughts?
I've been struggling with a lot of different emotions lately. Earlier when I was out I was just mad. I am so mad at WAH for putting us in this position. Not only did he leave, but he's uprooting our whole lives. He'll come back to the house once we're gone. Me and my daughter are the ones that have to leave, I had to find a job and she'll have to go to childcare for the first time. She's never been away from me for an extended time. Luckily I found a job pretty quickly. But I'm trying to find an attorney, go through training, find care for my daughter along with trying to arrange care for her during my training, find an apartment, apply for food stamps and child care assistance. All this plus trying to get through the emotional pain of my husband leaving me and trying not to throw a pity party for myself. This has definitely tested me in a way that I have never been tested. If it weren't for my daughter I don't know where I'd be. But I'm still having a hard time juggling everything and keeping it all together. My daughter is definitely getting the raw end of the deal.
Oh well! That's my rant for the day! Need to keep my head up and do what's best for me and my daughter.
Hi Jessica,
Thank you for your post. I am sorry as well. [censored] we are here but it's good to know we are here to help one another during the most difficult parts of our lives.
Regards,
toughenough
Hi Jess,
You are doing good, keep the focus on you and your d, you have a lot on your plate but you sound like you are very focused and organized.
Did your h ever say what the issues were?
Keep posting,
Sorry you're here, Jessica.
You sound like a very level headed person, so you're ahead of the game already. You can keep your emotions in check when you need to. Focus.
Is there a logical reason as to why you and your daughter are leaving the family home?
There seems to be two camps in terms of intimacy with the WAS. One camp believes it keeps them hooked in, the other believes it is cake eating and a bad idea. I am of the latter opinion.
The purpose of DBing first and foremost is to invest in yourself so that you come out of this in the best shap you possibly can. Beyond that, you might save your marriage when your WAS misses the LBS and realizes that the marriage can be better. As long as the WAS gets the benefits of the relationship without any of the responsibilities / obligations, then the situation will likely not change.
If you have not already, you will be referred to Sandi's 32 rules, at the top of the newcomers index.
Did your H have any complaints about you or your marriage?
Stay cool and keep posting. You will find lots of support, wisdom and advice here. You will be fine if you decide to be and put your energies there.
There seems to be two camps in terms of intimacy with the WAS. One camp believes it keeps them hooked in, the other believes it is cake eating and a bad idea. I am of the latter opinion.
hi jess, i'm of the second camp. i read somewhere that men feel connected through sex and doing things together.
i think you can still do great DB'ing and still have an intimate, physical relationship with your H
IF you want one. i don't see it as cake eating if you're eating the cake, too. and if it lets him feel closer to you, then so much the better.
you should still GAL, work on your areas that need improvement, be the best person you can be, do 180's, etc.
not all on here would agree but you really must analyze your own feelings on this and how it effects your sitch and your progress.
Hi Jessica,
In regards to the intimacy incident. I would concur with greatwhitenorth on this one. Without trying to sound too harsh, I don’t think at this point in your sitch it’s going to be helpful. Yes, we all backslide, that’s normal. Also, most of all start out doing the begging, pleading, etc…(I did briefly). I feel strongly that during this transition phase in your life you need to do things that make him respect you. FWIW, A lot of the time respects been lost and that’s what’s gotten some of us to this point. I am sure your learning from this form and DB, most of it is counterintuitive. Also, I am so glad (figuring the circumstances) that you found this board and have been reading DB. Congrats with getting a job, that’s good news. I am sure it’s a culture shock getting back into the work force again.
Personally, I feel slight comfort knowing that I am doing almost everything in my control to help influence a positive outcome. If I hadn’t found DB, I KNOW I would be in much worse shape right now and I would be doing a lot of the wrong things.
I noticed that you made multiple comments about how your mad at him for putting you in this sitch, understandably so however please try and stop that thinking, if at all possible. It’s negative thinking and it does no good. While I am sure he has pitfalls, it usually takes two people. Am I upset that my W left, no doubt!!! However I know that being mad at her does me no good in any way, shape or form.
Finally, it sounds like you and H see each other somewhat regularly. I know there’s your child involved but hopefully you keep the communications with H limited. As you might have noticed from this board, there’s a common theme. A lot of the time the distance is what can help bring people closer again. Stay strong and take care of yourself. You seem like you have your head on your shoulders.
Me(M):37
W:42
T: 14
M: 11
S: 8
D: 4
W wanted separation 5/5
Stopped living together 5/5
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”.
Thomas Jefferson
Thank you everyone for the wonderful advice. I see WAH almost every day because he comes over to see our daughter. Next week he will be staying at the house so he can be with our daughter while I'm at work. There will be little contact because we will be working opposite shifts and actually had to get a babysitter because our shifts overlap.
I may be sleeping on the couch next week. It just feels like it will push him away farther. We were having major problems with intimacy in our marriage, that was a major theme but I know he doesn't exactly value sex the way I do. So I think I will just need to be strong. I don't want him to think that we will be ex's with benefits (that's what him and his ex-wife were for awhile).
I am moving out of our home because I cannot afford it on the income I will have. For the size house we have, our rent is a very good deal but I can get a cheaper apartment and not have near the utilities. It is a big house to take care of too, all by myself.
I know getting mad isn't productive. I don't do it that much but it was just an emotion I was dealing with yesterday. I was very upset last night because I have been such a crappy mom to my daughter since these problems started surfacing last year. I was so blessed to be able to stay home with her for the first two and a half years of her life but the last year I haven't been very present, especially lately. I feel so bad for her and all the changes that are happening.
Me and WAH have a lot of issues. One was me staying home with our daughter. At first he wanted me too and seemed like he would do anything in his power to make it happen. Then it seemed like he resented it. He wanted me to get a full-time good paying job no matter how impossible or impractical it was. We are very different people. I am a homebody and he is not. We live far from our friends and it has been hard to make friends where we are now. We converted to Catholicism last year and he has had a change of heart and believes it is not right for him anymore even though he was the one that initiated it. We have a lot of sexual issues. I've changed a lot since becoming a Christian. I was not a Christian when we married and lived a very different lifestyle. I also changed a lot when I became a mother. He believes that he deserves to spend his money how he wants because he worked so hard for it. I have a hard time with anything dealing with deserving and entitlement. He thinks I'm not driven because I didn't want to get a job. I had a lot of issues with jobs before we had our daughter. I made a huge mistake right before we got married and quit a good paying job which ultimately led to us losing our house and filing bankruptcy. It was not the only reason, we both had bad spending habits and shouldn't have bought the house but it was a big reason. I nag a lot because I don't know how to get him to do things that need to be done. I know there is more.
Sorry that was very long winded. I should have replied separately to everyone's posts.
I may be sleeping on the couch next week. It just feels like it will push him away farther.
It won't push him away further. Remember, space is a good thing even if it feels horrible.
We were having major problems with intimacy in our marriage, that was a major theme but I know he doesn't exactly value sex the way I do. So I think I will just need to be strong.
Have you sniffed around on the sex starved marriage group?
I don't want him to think that we will be ex's with benefits (that's what him and his ex-wife were for awhile).
Sounds like a couple of possibilities to me. One is that he uses sex as a way of weaning off the marriage, so to speak. The other is that he has a hard time mixing emotion/affection/wife with the physical act of sex.
I am moving out of our home because I cannot afford it on the income I will have. For the size house we have, our rent is a very good deal but I can get a cheaper apartment and not have near the utilities. It is a big house to take care of too, all by myself.
I totally get the size of the house being an issue. I'm dealing with that myself. As for being able to afford it, have you talked to a lawyer about child and spousal support? Your H might want to spend his money as he sees fit, but it svcks to be him 'cause that ain't the reality of dissolution of marriage. He has financial responsibilities to you and your child.
If you haven't see a lawyer about this, do so regardless of whether you stay in the marital home or not.
I was very upset last night because I have been such a crappy mom to my daughter since these problems started surfacing last year.
Reverse the ways in which you were not the best parent to your daughter. She deserves nothing but the best both her parents can give her.
Then it seemed like he resented it.
Resentment is poison for any relationship.
We are very different people.
Have you done any thinking about how you can meet him in the middle on a few things? Not that you raise this with him, just that you figure it out and do it. He will notice in his own good time.[/quote]
I am a homebody and he is not. We live far from our friends and it has been hard to make friends where we are now. We converted to Catholicism last year and he has had a change of heart and believes it is not right for him anymore even though he was the one that initiated it. We have a lot of sexual issues. I've changed a lot since becoming a Christian. I was not a Christian when we married and lived a very different lifestyle. I also changed a lot when I became a mother. He believes that he deserves to spend his money how he wants because he worked so hard for it. I have a hard time with anything dealing with deserving and entitlement. He thinks I'm not driven because I didn't want to get a job. I had a lot of issues with jobs before we had our daughter.
I'm athiest so can't speak to the Catholicism piece, but any significant changes like that must be difficult to navigate. Faith is not a static thing, it doesn't just happen, it needs to be lived and breathed every day. Maybe your H wasn't up for it in the long run, and that's OK. There are lots of happily married people who don't share the same faith.
If he thinks you're not driven, the be driven, get that job, show YOURSELF that you can do it and he will eventually notice.
I made a huge mistake right before we got married and quit a good paying job which ultimately led to us losing our house and filing bankruptcy.
This is a very big thing for a lot of people. For many getting past it requires time and solid evidence that the person who dropped the ball will never drop it again. It really svcks to have everything you worked so hard to achieve collapse because one person didn't keep up their end of the bargain. It becomes a trust issue.
It was not the only reason, we both had bad spending habits and shouldn't have bought the house but it was a big reason.
Usually isn't the only reason. Show yourself and through that your H that you can be more financially responsible.
I nag a lot because I don't know how to get him to do things that need to be done.
Nagging is poison. It seldom results in what we want to achieve, and when it does there's always eventually collatoral damage.
I know there is more.
Sorry that was very long winded. I should have replied separately to everyone's posts.
It's OK Jessica.
It seems to me you've got some good things to work with here (give him space, don't nag, get working and saving and fixing up your financial situation), through which you can see your way through this in the best shape possible. I really encourage you to see a lawyer about child and spousal support.
Remember, saving yourself is the goal, and you could save your marriage in the process.
A couple of things rang out to me, and folks have already touched on them, but I'll mention them anyway.
First, on being mad at him for what he's doing. I get that, to a point, but marriage is a two way street and both people participated so stop focusing on what he's doing and think about you. What were/are your issues that you can work on? Remember, emotions are spontaneous, you can't control them....but you can control what you do with them.
Second, I would stop the pursuing. It's difficult...I know most of us struggle with it at some point, but think about it and try to catch yourself.
Lastly, I would consult an attorney if you haven't already. GWN mentioned this, but I did some reading last night (based on my own situation) and the fact that you have been a SAHM may play into spousal support. Find out your rights and protect yourself.
Good points GreatWhite North and Breakdown. Thank you.
I'm trying to consult an atty. I had Legal Services (a pro-bono group in our area) review my case but they could not take on any more cases. On Monday I am going to call my next option. I don't think spousal support is an option in Indiana but I could be wrong. He has agreed to pay my car off (we have about a year on it) and keep me on car insurance (we will agree on a length just haven't done it yet). He is also taking our medical debt and the rest of our attorneys fee from the bankrupcy. The only thing he said he would not take was my student loans. That was always a sore spot with us.
Trying not to pursue. The intimacy thing was his initiative and I caved in. Not going to do that again. I have pulled away and for the most part let him call us. It's hard because sometimes I don't know if he's coming over before work to see our daughter and I want to know so I call. It'll be a lot different once I start working next week.
I'm definitely trying to focus in on my issues and work on them. This is still so fresh and my emotions catch up with me sometimes.
I am enjoying the fact that I get to prove that I can be independent from him and not rely fulling on him. He seems to think that I can't do things on my own. I have never lived by myself before.
Definitely some things to think about.
Thank you.
Had a great time tonight and not thinking about my situation. It's my little sister's birthday so me and my daughter took her out shopping and we got dinner. She's spending the night with us tonight and my daughter is having a blast! Nice to think about something else.
[quote=Jessica M.]
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I was very upset last night because I have been such a crappy mom to my daughter since these problems started surfacing last year.
Reverse the ways in which you were not the best parent to your daughter. She deserves nothing but the best both her parents can give her.
My problem with being a crappy mother to her is due to all the stress I have been under. I am horrible with stress, one of the main reasons I quit that law office job 4 years ago. I am exhausted all of the time and especially lately overwhelmed with everything that has to be done. I have a hard time just sitting back and enjoying her. She is definitely going through the terrible two's and that stresses me out. She has my emotional side. She is a very emotional little girl. She is the sweetest thing though! I love her so much and she deserves so much more than me and my husband have given her. She's having a lot of fun with her aunt right now.
Yes, but she is young and if you start now to be a great mom she won't remember this age. This is the perfect time for your realization and a "do over" with her so to speak. My Ds are older now (13 & 17) and they couldn't really tell you what they were doing at that age. Recognizing the stress issue is key. If you don't, it's easy to take it out on the kids. My mom used to do that to me. She'd yell at me whenever she had a fight with her boyfriend and make me cry. Still remember it 30 years later. You're on the right path.
OK...so stress management it is.
Sometimes when we stand back and look at what overwhelms us, we see that a number of these things can be ignored, or that we're making them far more difficult than they need to be. Sometimes we just agree to take too much on.
What you you do to manage stress better; to make things, or perceive things as, more manageable?
I'm glad your daughter is enjoying her aunt, and that you're focused on something else. Stepping away works wonders.
Yes, but she is young and if you start now to be a great mom she won't remember this age. This is the perfect time for your realization and a "do over" with her so to speak. My Ds are older now (13 & 17) and they couldn't really tell you what they were doing at that age. Recognizing the stress issue is key. If you don't, it's easy to take it out on the kids. My mom used to do that to me. She'd yell at me whenever she had a fight with her boyfriend and make me cry. Still remember it 30 years later. You're on the right path.
Thank you. I needed that. I have wanted to be a mother for so long and I won't stop being a mother just because my husband wants a divorce. I will always be her mother and I need to remember that and start being the best mother I can be.
OK...so stress management it is.
Sometimes when we stand back and look at what overwhelms us, we see that a number of these things can be ignored, or that we're making them far more difficult than they need to be. Sometimes we just agree to take too much on.
What you you do to manage stress better; to make things, or perceive things as, more manageable?
I'm glad your daughter is enjoying her aunt, and that you're focused on something else. Stepping away works wonders.
I have never really learned how to manage my stress. I think that is a very big problem with me. It's like I shut down and stop acting and doing. I tend to overthink things.
WAH came over today to spend time with our daughter. We didn't fight at all. We discussed next week when I start work and were friendly. I was very tired so I wasn't paying much attention.
I have never really learned how to manage my stress. I think that is a very big problem with me. It's like I shut down and stop acting and doing. I tend to overthink things.
So what kind of things are you thinking of to help this?
For me, it's being involved in some physical activity - like running or a variation of martial arts. I've heard a bath helps others, or even just reading. How are you going to incorporate this into your life?
On a personal note, I have a S5, who for years I was so stressed out over and with, that I didn't enjoy him at all. It wasn't until NOW, this situation that made me sit up, take notice, and do what it took to reduce my stress. I reduced my hours slightly, I put him first, work second. I stopped thinking about opportunities H was missing with S. I stopped caring about the 'right' way for S or I to do something, or if I forgot to take care of something at home.
Anyway, just my thought. You aren't alone on it - but make a plan and stick with it!
OK...so stress management it is.
Sometimes when we stand back and look at what overwhelms us, we see that a number of these things can be ignored, or that we're making them far more difficult than they need to be. Sometimes we just agree to take too much on.
What you you do to manage stress better; to make things, or perceive things as, more manageable?
I'm glad your daughter is enjoying her aunt, and that you're focused on something else. Stepping away works wonders.
I have never really learned how to manage my stress. I think that is a very big problem with me. It's like I shut down and stop acting and doing. I tend to overthink things.
I'm so glad you see this.
So NOW, what are you going to DO to address this?
See, with or without your h
this is a life skill, a tool that really is mandatory for healthy living (b/c life is filled with stresses 24/7 if you choose to see it that way
and even for optimists, curve balls do come our way throughout our lives...)
So learning to cope w/stress is mandatory for you to be a good partner AND Parent...it's something to show and model for your child. I cannot over emphasize or over stress the importance of this insight AND you doing something about it.
I tend to get asked for help when things are roughest for people, so I know it's a skill I do have.
It attracts and it strengthens people you care about, your strength and composure guides them when they are at their lowest. IT EASES their burden in their darkest hour...so of course it's a gift to give, once you gain those tools.
It is a very bonding gift...a gift of love & strength and duty and loyalty.
If you believed your d had drowned, could you do CPR or would you decompensate?
Can you see how much regret that would cause you? And endless wondering..."what IF you had done CPR? What IF you had NOT freaked?"
So, The opposite of not handling stress well, the decompensating...
is a real burden to friends, families, spouses and children. "Mom's freaking out" is NOT something you want your d to see growing up,
and she probably won't share much w/you later on, "b/c of the stress" factor...i.e., seeing you NOT handling life...
and when your h has a tough day, or a setback he'll know
he cannot ever lean on you...and when life really throws you a curve ball and you face a truly bad event like a death in the family, will you lean on each other and be there FOR each other...or will you check out?
Consider what we show and model for our kids....someday Your d will face your death and possible illness, when YOU pass on...
what will she have learned from you about coping w/stress?
This may sound morbid but I say all this^^ to cement into your mind/heart, the incredible VALUE of good coping skills...
So, Good job digging deep and I hope you'll follow through with getting the tools you must get.
We're here to help...
Thank you LIO and 25yearsMLC. Very wonderful points. It is definitely something I need to work on and learn the necessary skills. I want to pass on good stress management to my daughter.
So I avoided a fight last night. WAH came home after work because his week at the hotel was up. He will be here this week to stay with my daughter while I'm at work. We work opposite shifts this week. Well anyways, me and my daughter were sleeping on the couch because that's where she fell asleep and I didn't want to bother her. WAH came in and turned on the light not realizing she was down there. He woke her up and told us that we should go upstairs. He ended up carrying her upstairs and put her in bed with us. She was awake by this point and had a very hard time falling asleep. When we are tired and she won't go to sleep is a trigger point for us. I resisted the urge to fight with him. I had the desire to let him know that if he hadn't woke us up she'd still be asleep. That's hard for me. He's still sleeping upstairs, we've already been to church and are going to my parents soon for my sisters birthday. He has to go to work and will be back afterwards. I start work tomorrow and am nervous.
good you didn't point out the obvious. that would have been blaming. he didn't know you were there so it was an accident. no one intentionally awakens a sleeping child so they can have a rough time.
maybe you could have taken her into her own bedroom and lay down with her until she went back to sleep? that would have given him two nice things to think about you:
1. you didn't blame
2. you made it easier on him, even though he was the reason she was awake. very generous and loving.
Seriously Jessica...go about your business. Be polite but go on with your own life as if he is not even around. He is getting his cake...coming over...staying and spending time. If he wants a divorce he Must feel what it's like.
Work on yourself and if he wants this marriage he'll have to work too!
jessica, being loving and generous IS working on yourself.
Thanks luvless and scaredsilly. Good points. I didn't play the usual game with him today of trying to get him to wake up to spend time with our daughter. I told him when we got home from church that we were home and would be there until we left for my parents house. He said he was going to get up soon. After eating and hanging out for a bit at the house, we decided to leave. I let him know we were leaving and we would see him tomorrow. I didn't try to make him feel guilty about not waking up, apparently he needed the sleep and I didn't nag him endlessly to wake up. He was a little upset that he didn't get to spend time with our daughter but he'll be spending plenty of time with her this week.
We had a good time at my parents house and just got back a bit ago. I'll put my daughter to bed soon and relax before getting ready myself. I start work tomorrow so I need a good night's sleep.
Great job. It's his responsibility to get himself up if it's important. Good that you didn't get involved.
Thanks! I actually had the urge to call him from my parents house to remind him to get up. I am so used to doing things for him. I also feel bad for my daughter which is why I usually nag him to get up. He didn't get very much time to spend with her because he worked a lot and then slept most of the time he was home. She wanted to spend time with him and he wouldn't wake up until the last minute. He also generally falls right back asleep after I try to wake him up. It used to be so aggravating because he would ask me to wake him up at a certain time and he would fall back asleep.
Can't focus on the past though.
At his age, he knows how to use an alarm clock. You're not his mother.
That puts one person's responsibility on two people and can cause tension, as you've found out.
Jessica, I still have the same issue.
H is not a morning person, so I always had to make sure that he actually got out of bed after the alarm went off. Even when he was out of town, I had to call him.
I've still done it recently, but I know I need to let him figure it out on his own or find someone else who is willing to wake him. Maybe then he'd realize how valuable I am!
Scaredsilly, I know. Hopefully this helps me to learn. He's been late before and he's accidentally turned off the alarm clock. I would nag him in the morning to wake up when the alarm clock woke me up. He'd hit the snooze for like an hour and that is so annoying when it was keeping me awake. I didn't have any desire to be up at 4am.
Sweetbabyred I know. It's tough. My WAH was overworked and just plain exhausted. He had horrible problems sleeping. I just didn't want him to be late because at the time he was working towards a Team Manager promotion and couldn't have any points on his record. Well he lost out on that because he called a couple of weeks ago and apparently he was being considered. He had never had points in the four years he had been there and it was the one day I didn't push him to go to work anyways. I told him to do what he had to. Oh well. He's a big boy and needs to do that stuff for himself.
I had my first day at work today and it was great. We're in training and doing the classroom work right now. My daughter was with her dad and he dropped her off to me before he left for work.
I am not used to getting up that early but at least it's easy work right now.
Didn't get to talk to WAH for that long just while we exchanged my daughter. It was pleasant and brief.
Today was another good day. I was a little more tired at work even though I got more sleep yesterday. The only bad thing at work is that they have never been straight up and let us know how many hours will get. Well one girl asked and we may only be getting 2 days a week and they are on weekends and second shift most likely. Can't afford to raise my daughter on that! I'm thinking about maybe moving in with my parents and going to get my LPN. It's like a 12 month certificate and I could work at the nursing home and get experience during that time. I heard the course load is really heavy so it would probably be ideal to do it now and I wouldn't be able to work full time.
My WAH said he's proud of me and likes how confident I'm being. He likes this side of me. But he's still talking the same things and making jokes like maybe I'll marry some rich doctor after this. Sometimes I think there's hope and other times I feel like it's hopeless. I feel like it would be harder to get back together if I moved back in with my parents.
So confused still!
the LPN is wonderful goal for you to work on Jessica.
I read that your H feel stressed from being the sole provider? I can relate to your H. I am not asking you to mind read your H, but he is proud of you now because ?
Don't worry about the jokes. My H does that too. He does it when he is feeling a little insecure and wants to feel needed. My usual response to that would be something like (in a flirty tone): "Oh but he would never be like YOUUUU. Who needs all that money when you are gold?"
I've been thinking about your thought: 'it would be harder to get back together if you move in with your parents' as it pertained to my own situation. I don't think that is the case. You and your H have a connection with your D. You are still Jessica, no matter where you live.
And I didn't respond about the intimate part: I read that for some people it helped keep a 'connection'. For a man, I think they use it as a mental connection, and it would be a blow if he was rejected. So that's what I follow, personally.
LIO thank you. I actually applied to go back to school and will see if I get accepted for the fall program. I may actually try for my RN. I don't think it will take that much longer.
I will probably not be moving in with my parents. I talked to them today about moving in with them because I would be working part time and going back to school and it's really not an option.
It really hit me emotionally when I was talking to my mom. She frustrated me because she turned it into something about her. She's been doing real good holding her tongue about my husband (because that's not what I need to hear right now) but she said a few things today. I just can't handle it.
I need to destress. The last day or two has been very stressful.
Starting to realize how hard being a working parent and co-parenting with my husband will be. I took my car today (I had been taking the truck and my husband would meet me at work to switch vehicles and I would take my daughter home). Well today we were going to have a babysitter watch her so I took the car. I got a text later from my husband and realized I had the carseat so he had no way to get her to the babysitter. Oops! We figured it out but I'm starting to see how much planning is going to have to go into this. I am not used to all this especially on top of the stress and all the changes. We were talking at work about how bad the insurance is there and it's expensive. Luckily my husband will keep our daughter on his insurance. All the stuff I never thought I'd have to think about.
Jessica yes it is very hard. I have been both a WAH and now and LBS. Know this, things will fall into place. Some things you have to do which are in your control. Other things not so much. there is a thing called called rolling with resistance. It's like psychological martial arts. Just let things roll off your shoulder. Don't fight them let them happen. Ask H to get a car sit for himself it is his responsibility to have one. What are ya doing for fun?
Thank you Rick1963. Makes sense.
I haven't had a lot of time to do anything fun. I've been working outside the home (which is new for me as a mom) and when I get home I'm taking care of my daughter and trying to do all the things that need to be done.
Here is the thread for Gabbysmom23 that Cat04 was talking about.
She was close to your age and an RN.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...739#Post1407739Do you know how to find all her threads by clicking on her name, and hit show post, then click on topics?
There are quite a few to read so that should keep you busy for a short time.
Thanks Cadet. I was actually just searching for her threads.
I have been doing so good. Me and WAH had been getting along really good and I was having hopes that maybe someday we could reconcile. Not that it was going to happen even before divorce but I had some hope. Well today I took at least 2 steps backwards. My husband was getting ready to go to work and I was going to take a nap since I only worked a half day today and he started talking about my plans to possibly move in with my parents when I started school. I told him how that was not going to happen and we started to briefly discuss it. He acted like he was upset that my parents didn't want me to move in. I told him that it wasn't their responsibility to take me and our daughter in since he didn't want me anymore. I just couldn't believe why he would be upset and I told him how pissed my mom was at him. I didn't yell but I said some things that I had been holding back and it wasn't good. I showed him the me that he didn't want to be with and I really regret saying things. I should have just held my tongue. I wasn't looking forward to this conversation anyways because I knew how he would react. He always seems to think that my parents have some responsibility to me and Alyssa that they don't.
Very frustrating! Wish I wouldn't have said anything. Makes me realize that I still have a lot of work to do. It's easy to get along with my husband when we are discussing carefree things but if we hit certain trigger points we still have a lot of work to do.
Getting overwhelmed again. Not so much with my husband but with my daughter. She is definitely in the terrible two's and has gotten worse with everything that is going on, which is completely understandable. I have very little patience lately and am always tired. I don't have any time to do anything for myself because me and husband are working opposite shifts.
Getting overwhelmed again. Not so much with my husband but with my daughter. She is definitely in the terrible two's and has gotten worse with everything that is going on, which is completely understandable. I have very little patience lately and am always tired. I don't have any time to do anything for myself because me and husband are working opposite shifts.
Wow, I can relate with you so much on this. It's so important for you to have that time to yourself and if you're not getting it, everything seems so much worse. You need time to work on YOU. How can you get some time to yourself right now? I think it should be a big priority for you... even if it is for a night. Don't hesitate to ask for help from family with babysitting if that's an option for you because GAL is going to be one of your life lines right now.
All mom's need a break, especially when going through something extremely traumatizing. D is definitely traumatizing.
If you're not able to get a babysitter, then at least make it a point to have some great playdates planned out with friends that have kids. Get some adult interaction and bond with D2 more.
Hope this helps!
Thanks jks! I didn't work for 2.5 years and it was easy to find time to go out for playdates and things like that. I never really got time to myself but didn't need it as much because my life wasn't as stressful. Adding in working and me and WAH being on opposite shifts has been so hard. My parents watch my daughter every once in awhile but they are still raising my sister and it seems like a burden if I ask too much.
I've been really busy which has been good but I am soooo tired! I went out with friends a lot over the holidays which was great! I definitely needed that! I haven't seen WAH much because we've been doing our own thing or working opposite shifts. We've been friendly and civil but that's about it.
My daughter has been having a hard time though. She has been so fussy. I don't know if it's because she's tired or if it's because of everything going on. She's getting used to me not being home all the time. At least she's home with her dad right now before she needs to get used to a babysitter.
I'm moving forward in my going to school. I am going to check out another school closer to me because it may be cheaper and I may be able to get my classes in quicker but I'm not sure yet.
I tried to call to get daycare vouchers but no one has called me back yet.
I need to wait until next week to get in touch with another low cost attorney services. They are only open when I'm at work this week and I have a couple days off during the week next week since I'm working the weekend.
I've been trying to step back and not say anything stupid but every once in awhile I do. I've at least been calm and not started crying in front of WAH.
I'm starting to get really nervous about when me and my daughter move out. I know it will be coming up soon if me and WAH spouse don't work this out. She's going to think it's my fault that we are moving away from our home, her daddy and her puppy. She doesn't know any better. It's making me really upset. I just don't know how to emotionally deal with that. Any tips?
There is no easy answer. But I would say don't project into the future. Today is a good day and your daughter is safe and happy. You do not need to worry about your d emotions regarding something that hasn't happened yet. Know that other kids go through similar scenarios and with loving support from loving parents they adjust.
Also write a gratitude list. You have a healthy kid, a job in this losely economy And I am sure there is more.
If at all possible you need to spend money to make things easier on you. Being a single parent is impossible. Staying cool calm and collected so so hard. Maybe there is a 11 yr old girl in the neighborhood that can come over and play with your d while you do the dishes or laundry or read a trashy magazine.
A girl on my block has been coming over and I give her $5 an hr but her parents won't let me give her more then $20 in a week.
Hang in there. You are blessed:)
Thanks Bklynmom. I'm trying to take it day by day. Today was a good day at work but very tiring. I'm so glad to be off for the next 2 days and spend some time with my daughter. Hopefully me and WAH will get to talk a little over the weekend. We've been working opposite shifts all week so we haven't talked much.
Well everything changed. I found out today that at minimum he is having an emotional affair and is in love with the woman. It is a woman from his second job. It has been going on for a year and they have looked at a house together. My daughter has been at her house and played with her children. She is in the middle of divorcing her husband as well. I am absolutely devastated. I have calmed down a lot but made quite a few mistakes today like leaving him nasty vm's and screaming on the phone at him. I even went to the girl's work but they have an intercom and she wouldn't come down to see me. But I said some pretty nasty things over the intercom. I'm not sure the extent of their physical relationship. He says that he's not sleeping with her but he's still cheating on me. I can't believe that he did this. He said on the phone that he didn't mean for this to happen and this isn't why the divorce is happening. I have a letter from him to her that seems to suggest otherwise.
I am livid right now!
I can't think straight!
Help!
I haven't read thru your entire sitch, but try to calm down. Anything stupid you do (nasty vms, going to her work, etc) will just be justification for his behavior, and he'll just think "see, this is why I left her." You can't control him or the OW, only yourself. Hang in there...I know it's tough...but you are strong.
Breakdown,
Thank you. I know that now. After my major meltdown I have realized that I am doing more harm than good. I don't need to make the OW look more desirable. I'm still devastated but I'm handling it better. I need a gameplan now that I'm dealing with a totally different situation. Not only am I trying to convince my husband not to divorce me but now there is the OW that I'm "fighting" for my husband against.
I am handling everything a lot better now. We are still in a very confusing place. Our first hearing is next Monday. I want to ask him to put the divorce on hold until I can get an attorney. I'm on a waiting list for a pro bono attorney. I'm terrified that it's going to turn into a huge mess.
He's at his parents house right now. His parents got my stepkids for the week so he went over there to see them and he won't be back until tomorrow after work.
I'm trying to work on changing myself. He's noticed a few things but I think he thinks certain things are just because I'm trying to get him back. I told him I'm just trying to work on myself.
Any advice?
You need to:
1) Go as dark as possible on him - keep conversations to a minimum and about daughter only - keep those conversations to the point - you be the one to end them - stay away from R talk - do not be available to him
2) GAL
3) Detach
the only way that you have a chance if he starts to believe that you are becoming indifferent and are beginning to live and enjoy life without him.
This will take a while. Unless and until he begins to miss you and wonder about you, and what you are doing, you don't have a chance. You are also going to have to let this thing with OW play out for a while. Let the glitter of that R wear off.
Good luck.
Denver
Thanks Denver.
The going dark is hard. We still live together and share household duties and financial responsibilities. We won't be around each other much this week because we are working opposite shifts.
We have our first hearing next Monday but I may have convinced my husband to postpone finalizing the divorce until I can get a probono attorney. I am on a waiting list. I did say I would still move out. He is very concerned that I am ignoring what is going on and just hoping that it will get better. I am very aware of what is going on and I am trying to make changes in myself that I need to make. I am praying for reconciliation but I am moving forward and making plans because I know there is a good chance that my husband will not change his mind. He is being very stubborn about this and will not even consider giving me another chance.
I did get upset last night because we were discussing the hearing and then he started talking about custody stuff and when he would have our daughter. The idea of being away from her for a weekend is unbearable. He wants to see her as much as possible and he will get her during the week too. We'll try and share her as much as possible to cut down on child care costs.
I'm trying to GAL. I went out to dinner and movies with a friend last Saturday. Me and my daughter went to the park yesterday and I met with my school advisor. I am just really busy and tired right now. I start school in 2 weeks and am looking for an apartment and I need to find child care for my daughter.
Emotionally I have been doing a lot better and able to keep my composure much more. Still a lot of work to do. I don't find myself thinking about the relationship every minute but I still let my mind wander at times when I'm not occupied.
I love everyone's support and advice! Very helpful!