It’s been a few months since my last update. Since there has been a significant change in my sitch, I wanted to share with my fellow DB’ers.
Exactly 18 months to the day from the bomb, my W and I have agreed to reconcile our marriage. We will be signing the dismissal of the D in the next few days. I realize the road ahead will be very difficult, however I anxiously await the challenge.
I appreciate that Michele Wiener-Davis gives us the opportunity to support one another on these forums during some very difficult times. Early in my sitch, I was in contact with Leni as she was my coach. Very helpful and encouraging during my darkest hours. A BIG “Thank you” to her.
I also appreciate many of the members on these forums who gave me support and advice to help me navigate thru the muddy waters.
I have a lot to update and I will soon.
Fantastic news, LITB! Warmest wishes in your new journey.
Great news! Very happy for you!
That is great news LITB! Best wishes!
Great news, LITB! I look forward to your details!
Starsky
Fantastic! Wishing you many happy days ahead!
Well that's great, please keep us updated on this hard journey you are about to embark on. I will look forward to hearing your updates to give others hope.
Outstanding! By all I have read now the real work begins. Congratulations!
Thank you everyone for the well wishes.
Starsky - you were a huge help. I saved the prayer you shared with me nearly a year ago. Big THANKS to you.
I'll try to put together the details of the last few months in the next day or so.
Outstanding! By all I have read now the real work begins. Congratulations!
Thanks JS. I gather the same thing.
My W will be seeking therapy on her own. We also discussed couple's therapy. There are some benefits of her living in NM and me living in California. It allows us to take things slow.
I had an interview while I was down there on Friday, so I might be moving down there in the next month or so. We shall see.
So happy for you!
What was the prayer Starsky shared with you?
So happy for you!
What was the prayer Starsky shared with you?
Thank you. I appreciate it.
This is what Starsky shared with me after I was granted an ex parte to keep my children with me, which later got reversed.
LITB,
"Congratulations" somehow seems like the wrong word, so I'll just say that I'm happy for you.
For some reason, I wanted to share with you a prayer of mine that a friend used to use when he was going thru his sitch. Maybe you can get something from it.
Peace,
Starsky
MY PRAYER FOR MY MARRIAGE:
Father, thank you for my family.
Thank you for giving my children to me to care for, and (wife's first name) to me to help.
Forgive me for the times that I haven’t appreciated them, and done my very best.
Father, I lift up (Wife) to you and ask for you to protect her today.
Protect her from physical and emotional harm, and from the enticements of this world.
Strengthen her to be the godly woman and strong mother that you want her to be.
Give her encouragement that there is hope for her marriage, and that her efforts can result in a better, happier life for her, me and our children and grandchildren someday.
Please open her eyes to the painful realities of divorce and separation and infidelity, and give her wisdom to make good decisions.
Lord, I acknowledge that you gave us all Free Will, but I ask for your extra grace for (Wife) during this difficult time.
Father God, I lift up myself to you, and ask for you to give me strength today.
Give me the strength to do the daily work that needs to be done to restore my marriage, my family, and my finances.
Give me the wisdom to make good decisions, and please give me the godly discernment to detect potential danger to my family, and give me the courage to be vigilant and do what’s necessary to protect my wife and my family.
Lord, give me the PATIENCE to keep working at this, and help me put my faith in the substance of things HOPED FOR,
And in the evidence of things NOT YET SEEN, instead of in appearances and the seeming hopelessness of a given situation.
Father, help me restore my marriage.
Help me to be a better father, a better husband, and a stronger example to my children, especially my young men.
Help (Wife) to be a better mother, a better wife, and a godly example to our children, especially our young women. Help her display, in her daily life today, the balance between strength and independence of a confident woman, and the humility and godliness that you require of her, and let that be an example to our daughters.
Lord, help me get thru this day, and live it in such a way that if it were to be the last day of my marriage,
That you would be proud of the effort I gave, and the example I led.
I pray in Jesus’ name,
Amen.
btw, my friend just celebrated the birth of their first grandchild (a little girl), 25 years of marriage, and fully four years since reconciling their marriage. They still struggle with things, especially financially, but he credits this prayer with holding thier marriage together.
Beautiful. I was looking for something and really liked two parts of that:
help me put my faith in the substance of things HOPED FOR,
And in the evidence of things NOT YET SEEN
and
Please open her eyes ... and give her wisdom to make good decisions
Thank you & Starsky
Here are some words out of a meditation book that I read that really hit home. Perhaps it will help someone else.
MENDED HEART
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
Few people pass through life without feeling the sting of betrayal, the loss of friendship, or the failure of important relationships. At those times, you may feel that the pain of a broken heart will cling to you for the rest of your days and that you will never be whole again. Sometimes you may even wonder if God still loves you.
God does love you, purely, simply, and unconditionally. Even if your pain is the result of your own actions. God’s love does not condemn you. It urges you forward, calling you to forgive yourself, make amends, and become a better person. His love is constant and predictable. And with the assurance of his love comes hope - hope that you will love again, trust again, offer your heart again.
My flesh and my heart faileth; but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26
Thank you, God, for the promise of your constant love and the hope it brings to my life. Amen
This is great news indeed! From the ashes comes success to those who refuse to be defined by failure.
Excellent news
LITB - this is GREAT news!!
I am extremely happy for you!!
You're heading in the right direction. You're well aware of the work involved.
18 months is quite a haul!
I have the, I call it the "Starsky prayer"
saved off and use the elements that resonate with me. (Thanks, Starsky! I think I was meant to read that, too, for some reason)
Praise the Lord!
Nicely done, LITB. Keep us posted when you can. You're doing us proud, buddy! (And thanks for reposting the marriage prayer.)
Thanks Bond, 2step and JB. You 3 helped me out tremendously along the way. I am forever grateful.
Nicely done, LITB. Keep us posted when you can. You're doing us proud, buddy! (And thanks for reposting the marriage prayer.)
Thanks Alamo. Will do.
jb, I am humbled that so many people were able to use that. There are times when I feel "led" to put something out there, and I remember that when I did that with LITB was one of those times. I never dreamed, however, that the "audience" would extend beyond him.
God is mighty, and wise!
Starsky
Amazing! Amazing news! Thank you for sharing and keep us posted. You stayed positive and focused early on and it paid off. You did a great job and are an amazing dad.
How did you hold out hope?
Great to hear!!! Congratulations!
I'm so happy for you, LITB. This is amazing news!!! I am looking forward to hearing the rest of your story in the coming days.
Congrats, I will have to look your story up. Maybe you can give me the help and encouragment I need.
I appreciate all of the kind words.
First part of my sitch since my last thread:
I’ll break up the details as there are many. I’m trying to give the abbreviated version….
In January my W confirmed relationship with OM. It was what I had suspected since March of last year. That was about where I left my last thread at.
I let this new revelation sink in. I processed the hurt and the anger. A few weeks later, I realized that I hadn’t thought about my W or my sitch very much or at all. As I believe TrueGritter mentioned in one of his threads, the switch just happened without me even knowing exactly when. I found myself in a good place. At that point we had been separated for over 14 months.
At the end of February, I decided to throw my hat into the dating scene. I began dating someone exclusively who is from NM and immediately started a relationship. I admittedly took on more than I could chew. Too quickly anyway. It was nice to get the attention that I had been missing for a long time.
In any event, I had re-activated my facebook account around the same time. Before updating my relationship status, I sent my W this email:
W,
I want to take this opportunity to thank you. Thank you for telling me about your relationship with OM. It’s the best thing you could have done for me. It allowed me to process all of my feelings and completely let you go. I find myself in a really great place these days. I have no regrets and I can now look forward to what life has in store for me. Things are slowly beginning to take shape. God is truly wonderful.
I sincerely wish you all of the happiness in the world. I hope and pray that you continue to walk closely with the Lord throughout the rest of your life. There is no greater gift than his unconditional love. I am extremely grateful that you help foster D9 and S6 spiritual growth, because this life is just a dress rehearsal for eternal life. You know how important that is to me.
I want you to know that there is someone new in my life. She is very special and definitely a keeper. She is a Christian, which is one of the most important traits that I had hoped for in a partner. She brings a lot of great qualities into my life and is extremely considerate of my situation and our children. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I wanted you to hear this from me.
Thank you for 15 great years and especially blessing me with D9 and S6. I love them with all I have and will continue to be the best dad possible.
I hope you are having a great day.
Best Regards,
LITB
My W’s reply:
LITB,
I just returned from lunch and read your email three times and smiled more and more each time and shed some tears.
You have no idea how much this email means to me and that we have reached a point that we can have a relationship that we are able to communicate to one another. You will be forever in my life because of D9 and S6 and it gives me great peace that we will always be there for them as Mom and Dad.
My faith has kept me strong and I will continue to walk closely with the Lord. God has blessed me with so much and I am truly grateful. It brings me great joy to see D9 and S6 grow spiritually; you and I are the reason for that.
I am so happy for you that you have found someone special and most importantly a Christian; and I thank you for telling me personally. You are an amazing man and you deserve the very best.
And thank you for the past 15 years.... You and I are where we are today because of each other and having D9 and S6 ~ there just are not enough words to describe how blessed we are to have them both. They bring us so much joy and remind us how precious life is.
Continue to walk with the Lord by your side as he guides you to eternal life… God is good… Live right by him…
~ W
More to follow……..(my facebook relationship status change)
Before I get too far into the details, it wasn’t until my complete focus was taken off of my W that things began to shift. I began to live for me and our kids. I was out of my W’s way to live her life and to live with the consequences of her decisions.
I began doing everything separate from my W. There had to be boundaries. She wanted to do birthday parties together and I let her know that I would be doing something separate of her. It was our new life.
Before I get too far into the details, it wasn’t until my complete focus was taken off of my W that things began to shift. I began to live for me and our kids. I was out of my W’s way to live her life and to live with the consequences of her decisions.
I began doing everything separate from my W. There had to be boundaries. She wanted to do birthday parties together and I let her know that I would be doing something separate of her. It was our new life.
I can see already why this whole thing worked.
Starsky
Yes Starsky. I knew you would appreciate the boundaries. They helped with my sanity.
Continuing…..
We went to church one more time as a family back in February and after church she asked if we wanted to go to lunch. My reply, “Are you paying?” I ended up paying, but the warning shot was heard loud and clear. That was the last time we did anything together as a family until this past weekend.
Forgive me as I am all over the place.
Fast Forward…..
After the email exchanges regarding my new GF, I updated my FB relationship status on March 1st. On March 5th, my W sent me a message asking if I was able to talk.
So much for wishing me well. She was upset. She told me I was disrespectful and we are still married….”do as I say, not as I do”. One of my responses, “welcome to your decision”. She asked me why the D wasn’t finalized yet. Just a crazy rant. I let her know that I am pushing my attorney to get it moving forward to be done.
I’ll admit, she had me fired up. She still had some control over my emotions.
Fast Forward to March 18/19
I dropped our kids off with her on March 18th, W knew that I was going to be spending the evening with my new GF. She gave me the cold shoulder. Unfortunately, our D9 was very upset when I dropped them off. For the record, they did not and do not know that I had a GF.
On the morning of the 19th while I was getting ready to board my plane back to the Bay Area, I sent my W a text to check on D9. This opened the door for my W to call. I don’t exactly remember what was said before I left, but I am clear on exactly what was clear when I we spoke once I landed. She admitted to being selfish, making a mistake and life was not what she anticipated. She said that she was going to work on herself, but could not promise anything. She told me that it wasn’t fair to me to wait for her. That lasted for about a week and then she was back to her old ways. I called her on her BS and she defriended me on FB. That was fine. I figured we were done anyway.
I’ll post more tomorrow.
Bravo!! Bravo!! Really happy for you, LITB!
Thank you LITB and Starsky for that wonderful prayer. I have copied it, personalized it and am now posting it in my home to read everyday. I love the focus of it...not only for myself but for God to help my W as well...very important. Because if we do have a future together we will both need serious guidance, growth, forgiveness, commitment...and MUCH faith.
Thank you!
LITB,
So far, your story sounds so much like mine that it's scary. Can't wait to see the next installment!!
Starsky
I got defriended too. Of course that was back in December. But maybe it's good luck in the long run??
Love this story. Thank you LITB for sharing.
This is riveting! Eagerly awaiting the new post...
I'm piecing everything together little by little.
I spoke with my W at length this morning. We had a very pleasant conversation. She doesn’t know this, but she helped jog my memory of our conversation before I boarded my plane on March 19th.
When she called that morning, we talked about our D9. The night of March 18th after I had dropped our children off with my W, our D9 told my W a few things.
-She told my W that she hated our new life.
-She wanted to run away
-She told my W that she could fix it.
This was obviously very heartbreaking.
My W told me this morning that during that call, she remembered me telling her, “I still love you” and telling her that I was going to break up with my new GF. That is true.
My new GF was in it for the long haul and was not going to give up easily. I got myself in a difficult predicament. I did not break up with my GF at that time and my W’s interpretation of our convo was that I gave her empty words.
My W also said that she couldn’t just come back for the kids. She had to come back for her.
I will dig up the email for the next entry. It was in regards to the D and the status update meeting that we were approaching at the time.
Amazing! Amazing news! Thank you for sharing and keep us posted. You stayed positive and focused early on and it paid off. You did a great job and are an amazing dad.
Thank you BklynMom. I appreciate your kind words. I take great pride in being a good father. This has always been the case, however my W did have me question my own abilities at the beginning of my sitch. She had me believing that I sukked as a father.
As a matter of fact, her and her lawyer called me an absent and non-participating husband and father in her declaration. I'd have to say, that probably hurt the most.
I'm jumping way ahead here in the order of my entries, but I wanted to springboard off of your post. This past Saturday was our D's 9th birthday. I'll elaborate more about this day later, because this day is part of the reason everything changed.
While we were at dinner, I left the table to ask our waiter if he could bring a cake to our table and sing happy birthday to our D.
After the staff brought the cake over and sang happy birthday to our D...she said, "How did they know it was my birthday?"
My W's response, "It was your amazing dad."
Quite the contrast from the beginning of our mess. I didn't know what was about to transpire, but I took that as a positive sign.
I just received an email from my attorney letting me know that my W's attorney is preparing the dismissal. It gives me great relief to know that she began the legal process and is ending it.
For my wife and I, we mutually decided to do a series of two 3-month "stays," rather than dismissals (eventually, we did totally dismiss). We decided that the "gun to our heads" had forced us to deal with some things, and that we both responded better to deadlines and the accountability of a still-hanging-over-us divorce, to make us get our crap together.
For us, it was the best thing. I believe that without it, we may have just fell back too quickly into our old, complacent ways. Two 3-month stays was just the trick to hold our feet to the marital fire.
Starsky
That is interesting Starsky. Did you and your wife attend couple's therapy/retreats? I'm interested to know what steps you took.
I hope you don't mind if I pick your brain here on the piecing process. I realize self improvement and working on our R/M is a never ending process.
We attended Retrouvaille, and had several MC sessions. Never did get to the whole "infidelity" topic in the MC; we stopped going to her after just doing the basic "here's some homework about what the two of you can do as a couple to meet each other's needs more" standard stuff.
No, it was mostly our own hard work, and that view that you get from the precipiece (sp?), and you VOLUNTARILY step back from it, and say "I don't want to go over this edge." Having faced it, and realizing "I'll be okay with this (if we divorce)," I think made me not WANT to . . . if that makes any sense?
Your story is a miracle. What a comfort to know that she talked to her lawyer and is ending this process.
For my wife and I, we mutually decided to do a series of two 3-month "stays," rather than dismissals (eventually, we did totally dismiss). We decided that the "gun to our heads" had forced us to deal with some things, and that we both responded better to deadlines and the accountability of a still-hanging-over-us divorce, to make us get our crap together.
For us, it was the best thing. I believe that without it, we may have just fell back too quickly into our old, complacent ways. Two 3-month stays was just the trick to hold our feet to the marital fire.
Starsky
Thank you for your transparency about the toughness of this. I'm so glad for your miracle. You deserve it. Your marriage deserves it.
Just a quick drop in to say how happy I am for you man!
And Starsky, you really gave me some of the best advice I ever got here. So for you I give you a
So many others I need to thank too but this is not the place.
We'll be in touch LITB, keep rocking!
Starsky, thank you for sharing your wisdom. It is priceless and very much appreciated.
BM, thank you again. It is a miracle.
CS, always great to see you. You are free to use my thread if you wish.
I am going to try to get my thread up to date today. In the meantime, I wanted to share one of my favorite posts that I saved from the archives.
Here's some absolutely great advice from Greg. Thanks, Greg.
********************************
Do you feel like you can't go on? Like your world is nothing without your spouse?
Well... YOUR FEELINGS ARE DECEIVING YOU. You can go on, and you can have a great life without your spouse.
After marriage, you both come to rely on one another for many things; love, confidence, security, and many other physical, psychological, and material needs.
But, how did you survive on your own before you were married? Could you survive on your own before you were married? Are you surviving on your own now? Legitimate questions here folks.
Marriage requires a certain amount of co-dependency from each spouse as noted above. Here's the kicker: You have to learn to be independent before you can successfully be co-dependent. This is not a one-way street either, both spouses must learn to fend for themselves.
Giving your walkaway forgiveness, time, and space to develop or recapture their sense of self-worth (the soul?) and individualism is the BEST thing you can do for your troubled relationship.
And You. You need to build/maintain your own unique individualism, and be comfortable on your own before your walkaway spouse will see you in a positive light. These positive changes are what manifest into major doubts for the walkaway spouse as to whether or not they are doing the right thing by leaving you. The right thing meaning, the right thing for THEM. After all, this really is about them.
Worrying, begging, pleading, obsessing, negativity, and the list goes on, are all extremely counterproductive to your efforts. These are traits of a person who depends on other people to make them happy and get them through life. Do you want to live the rest of your life with a person who acts in these ways? Well, your walkaway spouse doesn't either. The truth is, other people can't MAKE you happy, they can only make you happier than you already are. True happiness comes from you and only you.
So, is this crisis in your life really a crisis, or an opportunity for personal growth in disguise?
People, please take care of yourselves FIRST. It will do incredible things for you and your relationship.
Peace.
G
Great post, thanks for sharing it.
Let me pick up about where I left off yesterday. From March until the last couple of weeks, our contact was limited.
At the end of April, we were scheduled to have a status update meeting with the judge. I had reviewed the settlement agreement one last time and my attorney sent it to my W’s attorney for their review. They didn’t get back to us with their changes or even to let us know when we could expect it. My L requested a continuance, which was granted. Our next status update meeting was scheduled for today, June 1, 2012.
Note: I kept pushing the D back as I have been seeking employment in NM, but my attorney and I decided it was time to get the D finalized. It was supposed to be finalized at the end of September.
During one of our convos, my W told me that she wouldn’t be able to review the agreement until the end of June. I saw it as a sign, but didn’t expect anything of it. As far as I knew, she was still in a R with OM. Honestly, I was ready to have it behind me and move forward with my life. The ball was in her court as far as our legal proceedings. I wasn’t worried about it. I was living as if we were D anyway.
As I mentioned a few posts back, I let my W know that I wouldn’t be participating in doing birthday parties together. Our S6 birthday was in April. She had his birthday party the weekend before his birthday and I flew down the following weekend to celebrate it with he and our D9. That worked great. Our D9 birthday was last Saturday, again my W had her birthday party the previous Saturday. However, since our D9 birthday fell on a Saturday and it was the same weekend that I was bringing our children back to California, we decided to spend it together as a family. It was a compromise that I was willing to make.
Two weeks ago today, I called to speak with our children. My W was not home from work yet, so she answered the call. This is how she answered, “Well hello there, what do I owe the pleasure of getting a call from you.” I just laughed. I didn’t say what I was thinking. My thought was, “I didn’t call to talk to you. I called to talk to D9 and S6”.
She asked me to hold on as she shut down her computer. The call was positive and general. After the call, we exchanged a few text messages. There was some flirting in our exchanges. So the signs were there.
I’m going to jump to my R with my GF. The week before my trip to NM, she let me know that she was not comfortable with us spending time as a family for my D9 birthday. I understood and could respect that, however I wasn’t going to allow someone else to influence my decisions when it comes to my children. I also knew that if there were any chance to reconcile, that my R with my GF stood in the way. I couldn’t give my GF all she wanted from me. It wasn’t fair to her and it wasn’t fair to our children. It’s one of the things that I regret, because I broke her heart. I ended things with her on May 22nd. It sukked, but I felt relieved.
That gets me caught up all the way to last weekend.
While I work on my last update, I wanted to share some more things that I have saved in my personal archives:
“How you think about a problem is more important than the problem itself. So always think positively.”
- NORMAN VINCENT PEALE
“If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all of your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness and fear”
- CESARE PAVESE
"The very best proof that something can be done is that someone has already done it"
-- BERTRAND RUSSELL
The post below is priceless.
And this why we are all here:
Any relationship can heal. No matter how painful or destructive your relationship may be there is always hope for improvement and restoration. Sound impossible? Well, it's not! Antagonism and defensiveness can be dissolved. Anger and resentment can be replaced with forgiveness and compassion. Conflict can turn into cooperation.
Maybe you'll fall back in love and stay together in a way that works. Maybe you'll need to go your separate ways. Whatever happens, you have the opportunity and ability to heal your relationship. You can be free of the hurt, the anger and the resentment.
Put the Focus On Cleaning Up Your Relationship: Once you establish an intimate relationship with someone, you will have a relationship with that person for the rest of your life.
Resolve Legal Issues Effortlessly: In any seperation or divorce, there are certain legal issues that need to be resolved.
What You Do Know Makes a Difference: How you interact with the other person determines how that person will interact towards you.
Acknowledge the Love That's There: Once two people fall in love, the love is there to stay. You can't push it away even if you wanted to.
Let the Other Person Be the Way He or She Is: The experience of love is created by giving the gift of unconditional acceptance and appreciation. It's letting someone be exactly the way he or she is.
See Your Role in the Problem: At any moment, you are totally at the effect of everything around you. Whatever happens, you will react in some way.
Don't Hang On: Relationships don't always work out the way we want. Sometimes relationships become so painful that somebody wants to leave.
Letting Go: The moment you let go, everything seems to change. With the fear and upset gone, you see your situation very differently.
Start the Healing Process: You now have the opportunity to discover and heal the issues that have been sabotaging your life.
Peace and Prayers to you all - ZEN
Absolutely wonderful LITB.
. So, so happy for you and your family!
Thank you Navy. I appreciate it.
I wish you all of the best.
I’m going to jump to my R with my GF. The week before my trip to NM, she let me know that she was not comfortable with us spending time as a family for my D9 birthday. I understood and could respect that, however I wasn’t going to allow someone else to influence my decisions when it comes to my children.
Somebody's got his mojo back, folks.
That was some of the best words I read here.
This is a wonderful thread. Thank you.
So here we are, May 24th. The weekend that changed everything for me.
I was beyond ecstatic, because I was getting ready to fly to NM to spend our D’s 9th birthday weekend with her and bring my children back to California for the summer. Before boarding my plane, I had this feeling or intuition that my life was about to change. I didn’t realize to what extent.
I kept words from 25yearMLC in mind…..”Keep the road home paved and smooth”. and I remembered her making the most of her time as a family during their trip to SoCal. I believe it was SoCal before her H left to Alaska.
With those things in mind, I was going to make the best of my weekend. Here’s the thing. It wasn’t an act. It was who I had become. I was back to my old, happy, joking and fun self with some upgrades if you will. To be honest, I didn’t expect anything to come of it. As Starsky states, I had my mojo back. I was going to be happy no matter what was in store.
Last Friday, our D9 had a water play day for her last day of school. Fortunately, my interview ended early and I had the opportunity to attend. My W was already there when I arrived. We shot water guns and threw water balloons. I was playful with my W. Soaked her good. Kids chased me around and I ate it on the grass pretty good. It was a good time.
After we went to her house to change, we headed out to dinner and then went to watch Avengers. Our S6 sat on my lap and our D9 sat on my W’s lap. This is the first time we had been together as a family since Christmas break. Before the movie began, our kids were sitting in the 2 seats between us. Our S6 came over to sit on my lap before the movie began. A few minutes later, my W sat next to me and our D9 sat on her lap.
The next day, our D’s 9th birthday, I picked them up and we headed to an amusement park. It felt like old times. I could feel that the spark between my W and I was back. While we were in the middle of the park figuring out what to do, we were messing around, kids were throwing water at each other and on us. I was being playful with my W, and she looked at me and said, “what dad?”…….I grabbed her in my arms and gave her a big hug. It made quite an impression, which I will share in an email she sent me. (I remember early in my sitch, this would have not been a good idea. As a matter of fact, I believe it was Starsky who told me it made me look weak and desperate. Paraphrasing)
A little later, my W and I were standing next to each while our children were getting ready to get on a ride. As we looked at each other, I teased her like I was going to kiss her. I didn’t. This is a very short convo that left another impression…
W: You are still mine.
I didn’t say anything. I just looked at her.
W: Wow, speechless.
My kids had asked me to get on the ride with them, I looked back at her.
LITB: You have a special opportunity. Don’t wait long.
Those were the highlights of the day. I did mention what took place at dinner a few post back when I spring boarded off of BklynMom’s post.
On Sunday morning, my mom and I picked up our children and headed to California for the summer. My W later told me that she cried for a half hour straight after we left. She was dealing with some of the consequences of her decision.
Next update will include “The Email” to my M getting DB’d.
This is a wonderful thread. Thank you.
Thank you bustingout. I owe a lot to this board and its wonderful members. My hope is to give back a small portion of what was given to me.
Here are the email exchanges that put us back on track to putting our family back together.
Read from the bottom up:
From: W
Sent: Tuesday, May 29, 2012
To: LITB
Subject: RE: Good Morning
I regret that I never went to therapy with you. Because of my stubbornness it’s caused so much more pain and I’m so sorry for that. When I sat in church on Sunday, pastor talked about how we are all stubborn in so many ways. If we would only let go of our pride and see the bigger picture there would be less hurt in one another’s lives. SO TRUE…
I love the fact that you first wrote “You will be my priority”… I needed to hear that; I just want to be loved.
And thank you for being so understanding; we can’t just jump right back into things. I want to do this right; I owe that to you. And when the time is right; your ring is still sitting in my jewelry box ready to be placed on my ring finger again. Where it belongs…
________________________________________
From: LITB
Sent: Tuesday, May 29, 2012
To: W
Subject: RE: Good Morning
Thank you. It has been painful, but our family is worth it. I worked hard to keep that at the forefront of my mind.
You will be my priority. Only God will come before you. In turn, I need to be your priority. I don’t ever want to experience anything like this again. I realize what lies ahead might be as difficult or even more so. I am willing to go to couple’s therapy as well. I know there is one that we had discussed before. In the meantime, I will give you the time and space you need. We can’t just jump right back into this thing. Not that I would mind seeing my ring on your finger. 
It felt good hugging you. You fit perfectly into my arms. 
From: W
Sent: Tuesday, May 29, 2012
To: LITB
Subject: RE: Good Morning
You are amazing… I have put you through so much and you still love me unconditionally. I want our family back together; seeing how happy D9 and S6 were this weekend was enough for me. And I’ve missed you. When you hugged me at Cliff’s and didn’t let go it was a feeling I can’t explain. For the good times and the bad times… till death do us part…
I do need a little time to myself and I do want to check into some therapy; but just know it’s for you, D9 and S6.
________________________________________
From: LITB
Sent: Tuesday, May 29, 2012
To: W
Subject: RE: Good Morning
I’m overcome with emotions. I have so much to say………..I’ll say this. I love you unconditionally. I want our family back together. I have already forgiven you and I am willing to take this long, difficult….but fulfilling journey with you. For the good times and the bad times….til death do us part.
From: W
Sent: Tuesday, May 29, 2012
To: LITB
Subject: RE: Good Morning
My poor baby… I’m realizing more and more how much our situation suxs… I hate it already… I broke things off with OM and I’m going to look into some therapy. After this weekend spending time as a family; I missed it. I need to make things right for you, D9 and S6. I am so sorry…
________________________________________
From: LITB
Sent: Tuesday, May 29, 2012
To: W
Subject: RE: Good Morning
Nah…we were getting ready to stop at the rest stop yesterday and she was crying. I asked her what was the matter. She said, “I miss mom.” Thankfully we were at our stop. I just put my arms around her and held her. She seemed fine after that.
I do see how she gets in trouble because of D. She doesn’t know when to stop. She’s just like me.
From: W
Sent: Tuesday, May 29, 2012
To: LITB
Subject: RE: Good Morning
I wish I was on a plane to SF… if I could I would.
And yes, D9 has been emotional… Her and her brother have not been seeing eye to eye lately and she feels that he always gets her in trouble. I told her to just ignore him and walk away but this is very difficult for her. It’s tough for me to help her because I didn’t have a brother or sister. Is that what triggered her emotion yesterday? Her brother?
________________________________________
From: LITB
Sent: Tuesday, May 29, 2012
To: W
Subject: RE: Good Morning
Sounds good……thought you were on a plane to SF? 
Must be a space shuttle. :oP
Curious to know if D9 has gotten emotional lately? She did a little bit yesterday.
Good for both of you LITB.
Make progress slowly. Build to last.
This is better than any romance novel!
Good for both of you LITB.
Make progress slowly. Build to last.
Thanks J3B. I know that ^^^^ nugget of advice comes from experience.
This is better than any romance novel!
Thank you for dropping by SS. Your comment made me smile.
Another from my archives that has been posted on these forums. Unfortunately I do not know or remember who posted it.
In regards to the WAW.
PICNIC ANALOGY:
Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.
Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat (drawbridge is up, btw). You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).
Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about the what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peak over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.
THIS is why it is important to avoid pursuing, because it gives the WAS the opportunity to miss you, reflect, see your changes and strength, etc. So, the next time me or anyone else tells you to just enjoy your picnic, you'll know what it means. This is a term that we used a lot this summer, but it kind of went away. I think it describes the pursuit dynamic perfectly. Don't chase the WAS back into the castle and hold him/her captive by standing outside the walls and trying to get his/her attention. As long as this is the case, it is likely that they'd rather starve themselves in their castle than come out.
LITB -
I just took the time to read a lot of your old posts/thread. Holy cow, you have been through the ringer - and your ordeal has a lot of similarities to mine.
The list of "things" that you made for your W looked alarmingly like mine and most of them were things that my W stated to me as well.
The cool part of your situation (if there is such a thing) seemed to be that no matter what happened incident-wise in terms of anger or other issues - you two always seemed to drift back to a somewhat peaceful center and carry on as amicably as possible. That is good. It also became very clear in your posts that your W never REALLY stopped having feelings for you on one level or another (using terms of endearment like "babe" or "sweetheart"). She also seemed to never want to be FULLY out of contact with you. I know you have children and that drives part of it - but still.
Anyhow - happy for you. As I said I see some similarities in my situation and can only hope for a positive outcome.
Crimson
I like that one very much.
LITB, thank you for posting the picnic analogy.
I really needed that!
Have only read the first 20 posts so far, but wanted to pop by and let you know your sitch remains in my prayers.
Wishing you the best in piecing.
thank you for taking the time to post this for us all.
and i'm so happy for you and your family.
zig
So, LITB... what's your plan?
Yes, therapy or RV or whatever...
I mean what is YOUR plan? For you, going through this and into the future?
Your story is very inspirational!
Keep up the good work!
LITB-
i read your threads this weekend. serious stuff. i am very impressed. i saw alot of my W in your posts about yours.
your story gives me hope. i really need it right now, so thank you.
LITB -
I just took the time to read a lot of your old posts/thread. Holy cow, you have been through the ringer - and your ordeal has a lot of similarities to mine.
The list of "things" that you made for your W looked alarmingly like mine and most of them were things that my W stated to me as well.
The cool part of your situation (if there is such a thing) seemed to be that no matter what happened incident-wise in terms of anger or other issues - you two always seemed to drift back to a somewhat peaceful center and carry on as amicably as possible. That is good. It also became very clear in your posts that your W never REALLY stopped having feelings for you on one level or another (using terms of endearment like "babe" or "sweetheart"). She also seemed to never want to be FULLY out of contact with you. I know you have children and that drives part of it - but still.
Anyhow - happy for you. As I said I see some similarities in my situation and can only hope for a positive outcome.
Crimson
Crimson,
Thank you for taking the time to read my threads. I am humbly appreciative. I hope and pray for the best for everyone on these forums.
I haven't re-read my threads in a while. I almost forgot about that list. I know my W saved it along with all of the other cards and letters I gave her since the bomb.
I'll have to catch up on your sitch.
So, LITB... what's your plan?
Yes, therapy or RV or whatever...
I mean what is YOUR plan? For you, going through this and into the future?
KD,
Thank you for the prayers. I appreciate them and I appreciate your insightful thoughts.
I'll answer your questions the best that I can.
I can already see how difficult this is going to be. A lot of painful emotions are going to be brought back to the surface. It is already happening. The good thing is that I recognize them. I need to focus on the positives and kill the negatives. It is going to take a lot of time and work. I will be leaning on the expertise of others to help give me guidance. I lean on the Pastor of my church quite a bit, MWD and of course members of these forums for starters.
My W has already said multiple times that she needs to get IC. Ironically she had just finished meeting with a therapist in regards to her childhood 16 years ago. Right before we met. She told me that she realizes that she fell into some old patterns of running from her problems.
As a couple, we have already discussed RV and we will certainly be attending.
It will be a never ending process. We will have to adjust accordingly as we go.
I'm glad that some of the things that I am sharing from my archives that helped me are helping others. It says a lot of the many great members of this special community.
LITB-
i read your threads this weekend. serious stuff. i am very impressed. i saw alot of my W in your posts about yours.
your story gives me hope. i really need it right now, so thank you.
heartbrokeinsd,
Thank you for your kind words.
Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
Your past history and all of your hurts are no longer here in your physical reality. Don't allow them to be here in your mind, muddying your present moments. Your life is like a play with several acts. Some of the characters who enter have short roles to play, others, much longer. But all are necessary, otherwise they wouldn't be in the play. Embrace them all, and move on to the next act.
LITB your story has been inspiring.
Some of the characters who enter have short roles to play, others, much longer. But all are necessary, otherwise they wouldn't be in the play. Embrace them all, and move on to the next act.
I like this thought process. It makes me feel like right now I need to embrace what is happening now. which (from the strong positive me) is that I have time and space to learn, grow and become.
When i think like that I feel like I have control and am almost calm inside. But then panic creeps in (the scared, weak negative me) what if he drops another bomb!? what if nothing I do will ever matter again?! what if its just TOO LATE?!
How did you get through that? Is it normal?
Hey bustingout,
I had just begun to read your thread. In the meantime, I'll try to answer your question.
When i think like that I feel like I have control and am almost calm inside. But then panic creeps in (the scared, weak negative me) what if he drops another bomb!? what if nothing I do will ever matter again?! what if its just TOO LATE?!
How did you get through that? Is it normal?
Yes, the questions and the fears are normal. The "whys" and the "what ifs".
To me, there came a point when I realized that I wasting time trying to figure out questions that may not have answers. Time that could be spent more wisely on myself. I needed to get to a place of happiness that was not dependent on anyone else.
Did I still question my W's decision from time to time? Yes, I did. However the more I focused on my life without being married to my W, those thoughts did not cross my mind as often. I had taken control of my life. As 25yearsmlc says, it is empowering.
As for the fears, I think it is human nature for us to think the worst. For the most part, our fears are worse than reality.
Your interim plans sound great, LITB.
IIRC, even in piecing your focus should remain on you and how you are... as an individual... AND in the M...
Yes, stay as positive as possible and try to remain as detached as possible if/when the negative comes up.
Good luck and as always, prayers are with you!
Are you going to still journal and debrief us all on how you got here to this point. Its encouraging to us all to hear about a R with two people. Good Luck
LITB -
I just took the time to read your ENTIRE sitch this time - from day one to present. As far as DB'ing goes - I think I can confidently state that you may very well be my hero.
I say that because as I read through every twist a turn of your situation I repeatedly saw shadows of what I have been through and what I am going through.
The endless ups and downs....stuggling to find meaning in everything that w says or does. Periods of great hope followed by gut-wrenching emotional crashes. Avoiding conflict and confrontation to keep w from getting upset...and ultimately losing as a result. Sruggling with the impact the situation has on children (my son is 2 and was 16 months when W dropped the bomb)....LITB, you have lived everything that I have been through and continue to experience.
I, too, go through periods where W and I get along and there is no rift between us -- then something happens (typically something that goes against what my W was expecting or wanting) and we crash back into silence, anger and hurt feelings. During the periods when we are getting along my mind always seems to want to fast-forward to that meaning somewhere there is a spark in her that WANTS to R - then I get hopes....then I crash. Over and over again. You dif this too, it appears. My w never moved 1,100 miles away - but even 20 will hurt if it means you get less time with your son.
You should probably change your name to "Iron Man" because I honestly think you have taken about every emotional beating that a man can face in this process and somehow maintained the strength to hold together, focus on your kids and navigate through the pain, confusion and sadness. I admire you tremendously for that - the strength that it takes to do that is not wasted on me or any other LBS on this board that still loves their spouse.
True to what the vets say (25 et. al.) it seems that when you really let go and accepted the finality of everything your whole situation changed. You were truly happy and really didn't care if your M was restored. I pray for the day when I make it to that level - after 9 months on this ride it seems as if I will never be there. I have my days of strength, then have days that seems like I am dangling over the precipice of an epic backslide.
Your ability to flip the switch and take a stand for yourself without concern over how your W would react is inspiring. Yet, at the same time, you still felt for your wife, her pain and what she was going through.
You are also a living testament to patience and the power of letting go of the WAW. I still struggle with it and operate thinking that there is something that I can say or do that will change the course of my situation. Almost as if I am just a few well-thought out remarks away from getting my w to open her heart back to me. Academically, I know this is not possible. Emotionally, I keep thinking it is.
You did the impossible - it seems as if somehow you balanced love and hope with the acceptance of your w's actions and the ability dig up your stakes and move on....all while maintaing a great love for your children and becoming a better father and individual.
I will probably be going back to your threads a lot for inspiration. Today I was *this* close to sending my w a note about my feelings and how I am without her and S in my life. MAJOR backslide....MAJOR. I am glad I revisited your posts before I did.
Thank you for sharing all that you have been through. I appreciate it. I am doing all that I can to stay on track.
Crimson
Your interim plans sound great, LITB.
IIRC, even in piecing your focus should remain on you and how you are... as an individual... AND in the M...
Yes, stay as positive as possible and try to remain as detached as possible if/when the negative comes up.
Good luck and as always, prayers are with you!
KD,
As always, your input is very much appreciated. I hope you are doing well my friend.
Thank you for the prayers.
Are you going to still journal and debrief us all on how you got here to this point. Its encouraging to us all to hear about a R with two people. Good Luck
Of course I can continue updating, especially if it helps others.
yes please do. even the hard stuff
and thanks for taking the time - it helps us all a lot
zig
Yes, please! Thank you for all that you have shared so far.
LITB -
I just took the time to read your ENTIRE sitch this time - from day one to present. As far as DB'ing goes - I think I can confidently state that you may very well be my hero.
I say that because as I read through every twist a turn of your situation I repeatedly saw shadows of what I have been through and what I am going through.
The endless ups and downs....stuggling to find meaning in everything that w says or does. Periods of great hope followed by gut-wrenching emotional crashes. Avoiding conflict and confrontation to keep w from getting upset...and ultimately losing as a result. Sruggling with the impact the situation has on children (my son is 2 and was 16 months when W dropped the bomb)....LITB, you have lived everything that I have been through and continue to experience.
I, too, go through periods where W and I get along and there is no rift between us -- then something happens (typically something that goes against what my W was expecting or wanting) and we crash back into silence, anger and hurt feelings. During the periods when we are getting along my mind always seems to want to fast-forward to that meaning somewhere there is a spark in her that WANTS to R - then I get hopes....then I crash. Over and over again. You dif this too, it appears. My w never moved 1,100 miles away - but even 20 will hurt if it means you get less time with your son.
You should probably change your name to "Iron Man" because I honestly think you have taken about every emotional beating that a man can face in this process and somehow maintained the strength to hold together, focus on your kids and navigate through the pain, confusion and sadness. I admire you tremendously for that - the strength that it takes to do that is not wasted on me or any other LBS on this board that still loves their spouse.
True to what the vets say (25 et. al.) it seems that when you really let go and accepted the finality of everything your whole situation changed. You were truly happy and really didn't care if your M was restored. I pray for the day when I make it to that level - after 9 months on this ride it seems as if I will never be there. I have my days of strength, then have days that seems like I am dangling over the precipice of an epic backslide.
Your ability to flip the switch and take a stand for yourself without concern over how your W would react is inspiring. Yet, at the same time, you still felt for your wife, her pain and what she was going through.
You are also a living testament to patience and the power of letting go of the WAW. I still struggle with it and operate thinking that there is something that I can say or do that will change the course of my situation. Almost as if I am just a few well-thought out remarks away from getting my w to open her heart back to me. Academically, I know this is not possible. Emotionally, I keep thinking it is.
You did the impossible - it seems as if somehow you balanced love and hope with the acceptance of your w's actions and the ability dig up your stakes and move on....all while maintaing a great love for your children and becoming a better father and individual.
I will probably be going back to your threads a lot for inspiration. Today I was *this* close to sending my w a note about my feelings and how I am without her and S in my life. MAJOR backslide....MAJOR. I am glad I revisited your posts before I did.
Thank you for sharing all that you have been through. I appreciate it. I am doing all that I can to stay on track.
Crimson
Wow, I am kind of thrown back by your kind words Crimson. Thank you for taking the time to read my entire sitch and taking the time for your articulate post. I truly and sincerely appreciate it.
There is quite a bit to touch on in your post. I will respond in detail soon.
I still struggle with it and operate thinking that there is something that I can say or do that will change the course of my situation. Almost as if I am just a few well-thought out remarks away from getting my w to open her heart back to me. Academically, I know this is not possible. Emotionally, I keep thinking it is.
This was me. This was soooooooooooo me!!!
We can't talk, or write, or do-good-works, nor "Nice Guy" our wayward spouses back to us. On the MLC forum, they have a saying -- "This is THEIR journey, not ours" and I think it fits. All you can do is work on YOU -- those authentic things about yourself that you really do think you need to work on (not some "re-writing of marital history," affair-fogged complaints, but the GENUINE improvements we need to make for OURSELVES).
And then let them go.
Ever see the movie "Swingers"? There's a classic scene in there where the one guy is telling the other guy that it's only when you've truly let her go, that she'll want you. It's SO true.
Starsky
LITB,
You have done a hard thing, you deserve to be be proud. You and your wife both. On her part it is hard, capital H hard to eat pride, soemtimes it is easy to keep moving forward even if a choice is a bad one than to own up to it.
Showing that it is possible and giving hope, also very cool.
To me Piecing was the real journey the hard one I 'm going to suggest highly to you that you avail yourself of that forum with some other trenchmates and posters there. 25, Kalani, Starsky just to name a few.
Piecing to me was harder, because I KNEW I could walk away and be fine. She had shown she could already, we had to learn how to communicate, we had to learn NOT to be afraid to argue and fight, and we had to understand that compromise for both parties was a must.
Enjoy this moment, this time, revel in it and know there is alos a place for help on this part of the journey as well. : )
Ironically, Starsky, I have never seen that movie - but it was one of my wife's favs.
Thanks for chiming in on my blurb above ^^^^. (Sorry to hi-jack LITB). "This is THEIR journey, not ours" is probably a good mantra for me to keep. I really struggle with detaching - though I am getting better with help from the folks here. Like I said, I always think in good times I am one brilliant utterance away from getting my W to have the "AH HA!!" moment where she realizes she wants me in her life.
I know I can't "say" or "do" my way out of this - but I think that it helps that I have tucked away my anger and have sucessfully learned to differentiate between her and her L. I also think it helps that I have managed to avoid fights and the "bait" to get into them for months....even when she is going off on me. Anger, it seems, is easier for me to manage and contain that love. Odd, no?
Anyhoooo....sorry for the interruption, back to LITB's regularly scheduled programming.
Crimson
LITB,
You have done a hard thing, you deserve to be be proud. You and your wife both. On her part it is hard, capital H hard to eat pride, soemtimes it is easy to keep moving forward even if a choice is a bad one than to own up to it.
Showing that it is possible and giving hope, also very cool.
To me Piecing was the real journey the hard one I 'm going to suggest highly to you that you avail yourself of that forum with some other trenchmates and posters there. 25, Kalani, Starsky just to name a few.
Piecing to me was harder, because I KNEW I could walk away and be fine. She had shown she could already, we had to learn how to communicate, we had to learn NOT to be afraid to argue and fight, and we had to understand that compromise for both parties was a must.
Enjoy this moment, this time, revel in it and know there is alos a place for help on this part of the journey as well. : )
Thank you for dropping in J3B. It is very much appreciated. I have read a lot of your posts and your story on your own sitch. I have a lot of respect for you.
I am more than open to advice from those that have taken the road before me. You are right, I can see how piecing will be more difficult. I find myself being guarded and less vulnerable. It will take a lot of time, patience, compassion, and understanding to heal our M.
Thanks again.
Thanks for chiming in on my blurb above ^^^^. (Sorry to hi-jack LITB)
No worries. Since you fellas are talking about movies, it is the perfect opportunity to share one of my favorite movie clips that is in a thread buried somewhere.....
Rocky Balboa's inspirational speech to his son If memory serves me correctly, this was posted by MrBond. I'm too lazy to take the time to search his bazillion posts to confirm.
wow! that was HEAVY!!
thanks for posting that! talk about "toughen up no matter how hard you're hit"
That fits good. You can keep going no matter how hard you get hit. We all will be okay no matter what our S decide to do.
As I said earlier in the thread, LITB, this is very inspirational. My wife's even moved ~1000 miles away, so nice to see that not even that has to be insurmountable!
What's truly instructional to me is the time involved - Filed in March 11, decided to try again May 12. 14 months. I know another couple that was apart for that long. So... here's hoping I'll be posting a similar thread sometime next April...
I want echo the thanks and yes please keep posting. You are an inspiration
Just now reading this entire thread and, wow, those emails back and forth between you and your wife had me in tears.
I'm so happy for you and agree 100% with scaredsilly that it was sooooo much better than a romance novel.
Amazing stuff here!!