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Posted By: Brit45 Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 05/30/12 12:38 PM
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2247682&page=1

Link to my previous thread


I decided that I would no longer identify myself as a WAW in my threads. I'm just me. And my sitch is unique as is everyone's sitch. Labels only allow us to wallow in victimhood or blame ourselves.

I've told a few friends that he's said he might be moving in with her and they all say "What is he doing?" He's going around that mountain and that's his mountain not mine.


I'm working on enjoying the non-axiety that I've found in the past few days.

He texted me yesterday Ibut I haven't heard from him since then. I've decided I may text him on Friday and just say hi...in my attempt to be dim not dark. Don't know if I'll see him at that event we were both invited to, but I'm having no expectations.

I also found out through a minor snooping (I KNOW i'm stopping that..new goal) that he's getting back into an old hobby. This makes me laugh a) who's funding it b) how's she gonna cope when he's in the garage all weekend every weekend?
I remember he did this when we were married. It took a year into our R and I felt neglected...we'll see. But ultimately none of my business so much so I almost didn't post about it!
Love the new attitude in the new title!
Posted By: greenblue90 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 05/30/12 01:33 PM
A hobby is a good thing, during our very brief separation I took up playing a card game I used to play as a kid. Turns out its become ultra competitive, so I started casually attending weekly tournaments. When W came back I made it clear I was going to do one tournament a weekend. W seemed glad to get the space. (afterall things were rocky at home). She'd get the rest of the weekend. Now that things are WAY better I still attend one tournament a week, and have decided to go pro so I have started playing online to get more practice. (don't worry it's not gambling).

The key of course is that W still gets lots of attention weeknights and for about 75% of the weekend. We still go out, have fun and other such things. I can tell she is pleased to see that I have developed hobbies that are separate from her. When we first married I dropped almost all my hobbies to give her time, and in true nice guy fashion this backfired on me.

I think it's great that he is getting back into hobbies, the question is can be find balance, and will he yield if GF ever pressures him about his hobby.
Posted By: timbits Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 05/30/12 02:21 PM
Haha, I started a new thread today, as well. Still plugging along, but things are changing for me.

I also think it is good that H is working on a hobby. It will fill his time and make him feel better about himself, which can only be a good thing. Have you gotten into any hobbies yourself?
Posted By: needgrace Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 05/30/12 02:43 PM
Originally Posted By: Brit45
Labels only allow us to wallow in victimhood or blame ourselves.




Love this and the new title.

having known you through reading your thread and your comments on mine, i do not think of you anymore as a WAW, that label does nothing to show the breadth of who you are and what you are doing...


i think we should come up with another name for the LBS too...one with more power.. Being left behind is what is done to us, not what we are doing... there is no power in what someone does to us, our power is in what we do in response. Maybe we are more WOM (Working on ME)..

Hope yo have a great day, Brit! A new thread is a new start!
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 05/30/12 02:48 PM
It's not new...he usually abondons partners for it haha. so it will be interesting to see if he keeps the balance now. He had sold his previous "project" after our split and hasn't had a project for a few months. He never has a problem telling you that you are less important than the hobby.

but enough about him. Thanks for all your kind words I'm feeling very positive and upbeat today!
Posted By: R33 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 05/30/12 05:48 PM
[quote=Brit45
Thanks for all your kind words I'm feeling very positive and upbeat today! [/quote]

Good to hear Brit, keep the PMA going!
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 05/30/12 06:25 PM
This is the dual side of him...incredible nice guy who is also self absorbed and distant.

enough about him though....

Today I listened to country music all the way home made me feel great. Every love song (the happy ones) I made about me. A love song to me from me.

I'm reading The Voice of Knowledge by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's really helped to get rid of that voice inside our head that judges us, tells us we're not good enough or whatever. Also the voice that drives me crazy thinking about him or what he's doing in his new R.

Finally reading DR, I think he's doing that thing MWD mentions where the woman goes out and marries the opposite of her husband.

I told a friend of mine that I'm at the place where if he comes tomorrow I'm fine, if he doesn't come tomorrow I'm fine. and she was really almost shocked/surprised that I was that calm about the whole thing. I guess I really have grown.
brit-

you are sounding good today. i am goin to have to lok into that book. get the voices to stop. i also think you stopped being a "WAW" a long tim ago. i like the "WOM" title for you alot better.

i dont know how you can listen to country without crying. that says alot! im sure your comment to your friend surprised the he11 out of em. that isnt something "normal" people say. thats what makes you special. good job!
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 05/30/12 08:10 PM
Haha I did skip one or two songs on my iPod that was a bit too sad! But you're right a few weeks ago I couldn't even watch romance films!

I meant if he comes for drinks with our friends not comes back to me haha Don't know if I really made that clear.

I've stopped feeling like a WAW or a LBS. I really feel in control of myself. Yes I miss him still. But I'm adjusting and floating and it makes me feel confident.
you are one step ahead of me as always. i am almost there i think. i am feeling my self control. 2 nights in a row i have slept. no crazy dreams, no waking up in a panic. i miss her too. i also dont. im not sure i am liking her right now. its confusing. i know that stuff will work out one way or another.

i will be floating soon!
Posted By: zig Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 05/30/12 08:22 PM
great title and yes WOM

a few weeks ago, my closest friend who is helping and supporting me in my DB'ing, said to me so very sweetly - "zig, now it's just time to forget about him for a while and just fall in love with yourself"

it surprised me - but i do that now everyday - if i look in the mirror i tell myself how beautiful i am, literally.i know it's goofy - but i literally smile sweetly at myself and think how lovely i am.

heck if no one ELSE is saying that to me, then i have to for myself, right

it's a wonderful feeling and we really are worth it aren't we?

i'm glad your'e at that spot now, brit -

zig
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 05/30/12 08:38 PM
Hi Zig, YES you are so right if no one else is saying it that you have to do it. We have to stop looking outside and do it for ourselves.

Last week I was saying things like I have to accept that he may never come back or if he does he won't have worked on issues. Almost like I was convincing myself. Now I honestly feel like "the future" isn't even something I think about.

I still have moments where I think about him. Wonder if what he's doing. I hear about events and wonder if he and his GF are doing that. And then I remind myself of when he told me he had a "very busy weekend" and I imagined him doing all sorts of things with her from camping to family bbq's. And what was he really doing? helping GF move in old dirty ripped jeans and spending 5 hours waiting for a tow truck. Not very exciting. So my imagination probably invents a more exciting life than he really leads and I need to leave that alone.

I'm really happy I'm at this spot too!
Posted By: JustStunned Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 05/30/12 08:53 PM
Brit, I am happy you’re in a better place.

I’ve heard Marlene Dietrich’s voice all day laugh
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 05/31/12 12:26 PM
In an effort to be dim but not dark I sent him a text this morning about something I'd seen I thought he might be interested in. I got a pleasant response We had a polite, funny exchange. My last reply included the question how've you been and then he didn't reply. cheeseless tunnel. I need to stop asking him about him and just wait until he's ready to share anything. And when he does be supportive and polite and offer no advice.

I did not ask him about tonight.

I'm feeling good overall today. I had a good night's sleep even though he was in my dreams. I think it was telling me I was being selfish and that I need to stop trying to rush things.
Maybe a rubber band/hair band on your wrist that you can snap whenever you want to ask him how he's doing might help? wink or maybe get down and do some pushups or crunches? then you'll get fitter in the meantime smile
Posted By: labug Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 05/31/12 01:01 PM
I'm going to be very honest here. I used to do that and then would be disappointed/hurt when there was no response.

Then I'd go through that whole cycle, then several days later I'd send another one. The cycle would begin again and I could never leave it on an up note.

Only do that if you can be completely without expectation about it. It's just too painful.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 05/31/12 01:18 PM
I'm not hurt. Well maybe a tiny bit. I figured out that I was sad that he felt he couldn't open up to me or share his life with me. But I feel like that's because of two reasons in the past I've offered my advice or given my opinion on things and second his whole life at the moment revolves around her. So he can't tell me anything because it would include her and he wants to spare my feelings. So I imagine I ask him that and it opens up a huge door of what should or shouldn't I tell her. And then he gets reminded that something might upset me and then he doesn't know what to say.

Which in a weird way that realization made me smile because I'm happy I have many things in my life that are all about me.

On the plus side he was making jokes and very happy and nice. I wasn't sure of the response I'd get. I don't think he'll stop and take a second look until something goes bad in his current R.

I do think when I look at myself at how different I am from a year ago. I've lost 46 pounds, I quit smoking, I don't get drunk, I'm not posting loads on FB for attention, I've made my house a happy, homely place, I've become a great cook, and I have really exciting career prospects. I'm proud of this. Day by day my love life is becoming a smaller part of who I define myself as.
Posted By: labug Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 05/31/12 01:30 PM
^^^like!
Posted By: needgrace Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 05/31/12 03:32 PM
Originally Posted By: Brit45


I do think when I look at myself at how different I am from a year ago. I've lost 46 pounds, I quit smoking, I don't get drunk, I'm not posting loads on FB for attention, I've made my house a happy, homely place, I've become a great cook, and I have really exciting career prospects. I'm proud of this. Day by day my love life is becoming a smaller part of who I define myself as.


Love that!! Wow, amazing!

Each situation is so different. I think that, in the past, my small contacts w/ W made her feel guilty, even if that wasn't my attention. This guilt did not pull her back to me, it did the opposite. I think it also made her feel like I was trying to control her. You know him best and how he may feel about the contact.

Have a great day Brit.
Brit! Those are some amazing changes in you! Seriously awesome.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 05/31/12 06:06 PM
Originally Posted By: needgrace

Each situation is so different. I think that, in the past, my small contacts w/ W made her feel guilty, even if that wasn't my attention. This guilt did not pull her back to me, it did the opposite. I think it also made her feel like I was trying to control her. You know him best and how he may feel about the contact.


He has always wanted to be friends. He has continued to see me and spend time with me in a friendly way. I have been the one to pursue R talks, pursue him, etc. I worry that now, when he says that he might be moving in with her and I flip out, he could be thinking that perhaps we can't be friends. Me reminding him of feelings only makes him feel guilty.

Because I was the one to walk away and come back "when it suited me" or "when he found someone" or "when he became happy" (all things he's said) I worry that he is testing me to see if I will stick around, if I won't just walk when I don't get my way, if I'll respect his feelings and accept his friendship which is all he's offering at the moment. So I do feel like I need to make "some" attempts towards the friendship without pursuing. This is the first time I've initiated a text convo in 2 weeks.

There are a few truths I know:
Even if the crystal ball told me we would never get back together, I'm not ready to date right now.
Even if the crystal ball told me we would never get back together, I'd still want him as a friend.

So for those reasons I'm trying my hardest to show him that I can be a friend without wanting an outcome. It's hard it's everything I'm not: dominating, selfish, controlling, etc. But i don't want to be that.

Defining moments someone said. I want to be a better person.
Brit,

I tend to stick to the guys, you know snips and snail and sugar and spice...

But wow.

You really have a good handle on this, a good plan and a great frame of mind. Realistic and under control.

I just wanted to say, good job.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 05/31/12 10:26 PM
Thank you Jack that means more than you probably know. A lot of time I feel like I'm floundering or like its all a little too late or maybe I'm playing the fool. I don't know much all I really know is how I feel and what I'm doing. And that's why I said the crystal ball thing. I'm not ready to move on and I do want to be his friend.

He didn't come tonight. I was fine. I had a good night. I had a fantastic time and was proud of the way I acted. It was very flattering to be able to turn someone down.

So Jack thinks I'm doing the right thing that's good to hear. 20 30 40 years from now I want H in my life he will always be special to me.

Oh and I've always had more guy friends than girls haha I've thought I was a more guy than chick for a long time! LOL so stick with me!
lmao...a guy huh? you crack me up. i love your take on things. i am going to try to do some of what you are. WWBD and all that =) (What Would Brit Do)

i want a friendship with my W no matter the outcome. thats how i can be consistent.
WWBD! Sign me up.
Posted By: needgrace Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 05/31/12 11:53 PM
Me too... let's start printing the bumper stickers smile
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/01/12 02:19 PM
Had a moment today where I had to hunt and confront a feeling.

Do we want our S to become better whole complete people even if they go on to be that better partner with someone else?

Do we want what's best for them or only if that "best" includes us?

Is it wrong or right to feel that way?

I had this exact thing happen with an exBF. I thought he'd reformed his ways and owned a business and gotten married and became succesful after I'd been supporting him. 5 years later I find out he's still the scumbag he was when he was with me. And that didn't make me feel any happier. I wasn't happy when I thought he was model citizen and I wasn't happy when he was a dirtbag.

So changing patterns: can I be happy for H if he is truly happy but that's with someone else?

I think his mom still has a twinge of "what might have been" with his dad. Even though they're remarried to other people. And even as recent as a few weeks ago he emailed her a nostalgic video she forwarded on to me. Is it "what might have been" or is it just that you two shared something a time, a place, experiences, and you'll always have those memories together that no one can duplicate even though the R didn't work..

I've hunted, I've confronted, but I haven't solved!
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/02/12 11:27 AM
Today I noticed the manic thoughts that once consumed me have faded to a dull noise in the back of my mind I stead of the hammering it once was. I hid him on FB but he hasn't posted much about his activity in the past few months I don't know if that's because he's never been much of an fb'er or because he's being careful of my feelings. But that's certainly helped me in detaching.

I sent him a text yesterday..something about S and something funny about someone we mutually know. He replied with a similar story about someone he once knew and made a joke. Because he didn't ask me any question to continue the convo I didn't reply and felt good about that.

Had a mini-pity-moment last night when I was locking the doors turning off lights and thought he gets to go to bed with someone every night....but I know that this being alone being independent working on my self esteem and codependency issues will so be worth it in the end.

I'm having a fantastic GAL weekend and a work friend of mine who moved away invited me to visit in a few weeks time. And I had a moment where I thought about how far I've come in my career.

My horoscope said this series of eclipses mirror the ones in 93 which is when I went from ugly duckling to queen bee as a teenager. So I using that memory to think about my current metamorphosis! (in other news H's says he is the best time for romance since 2000. And he's getting everything his heart desires...,so horoscopes are cr&p right? LOL)
Oh Brit you don't really know if he's getting everything his heart wants!!

Glad you hid him on FB. Now just don't go checking his profile every day wink

Originally Posted By: Brit45

Do we want our S to become better whole complete people even if they go on to be that better partner with someone else?

Do we want what's best for them or only if that "best" includes us?

Is it wrong or right to feel that way?

... can I be happy for H if he is truly happy but that's with someone else?


Deep questions. Someday we'll each figure this one out.
Oh Brit you don't really know if he's getting everything his heart wants!!

Glad you hid him on FB. Now just don't go checking his profile every day wink

Originally Posted By: Brit45

Do we want our S to become better whole complete people even if they go on to be that better partner with someone else?

Do we want what's best for them or only if that "best" includes us?

Is it wrong or right to feel that way?

... can I be happy for H if he is truly happy but that's with someone else?


Deep questions. Someday we'll each figure this one out.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/02/12 03:36 PM
So I now know that he's hidden me from FB. My son said that he sees every check in H makes and it gets sent to his phone and he saw he'd checked in at a bar. I just said oh I don't see it must be just you.

I know he's probably doing that for my feelings and I'm not naive enough to think that he isn't living a life with GF that he didn't with me. Going out etc. I don't know still bothered me....must detach
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/02/12 03:44 PM
So he hadn't hidden me...she posted where they were last night and he posted where they were today.

Old Brit wants to do something rash and lash out. But I'm not. Today I've felt more and more that I wouldn't want to be in a R with the person he is. I see now that I helped rescue him that I helped him so much along the way even in keeping r's up with his family.

I don't know. I'm looking out for myself but I'm starting to feel like I bet on the wrong horse years ago.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/02/12 04:23 PM
It's all really hard isn't it. I know he has issues he needs to fix that our old R didn't work because of these issues (and mine) and yet I feel so heartbroken and love him.

My GAL weekend was ticking along nicely and then I had to see that. I am trying not to think about the outcome. I don't think that him spending time with her upset me I already know that happens. It was just a visual reminder of things I usually put out of my head.
Posted By: LIO Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/02/12 05:30 PM
Originally Posted By: Brit45


I've stopped feeling like a WAW or a LBS. I really feel in control of myself. Yes I miss him still. But I'm adjusting and floating and it makes me feel confident.


Yea!!! I'm so glad to read this, and how you are progressing!
((((brit))))

i understand your feelings. its hard when the reminders come. i know you will keep moving forward. it is so hard on the heart. i am impressed with how you have kept it open for him. you are keeping the road home smooth. keep it up. you are amazing!
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/02/12 05:42 PM
Am I? Am I really? I have no idea anymore. I'm not reacting to this reminder today.

I'm reading DR and part of me is kinda bitter and not wanting to hear it. This is the hard work.
stop it. you are starting to sound like me..lmao.. bitterness is part of this i think. for being left, for being mistreated. i know it hurts. find you center like you have done countless times. the pebble looks huge when you hold it up to your eye. set it down and its just a pebble. LBS were all WAS kind of at one time. we neglected our marriage in a similar manner to what they are doing now. just my take. you were able to get this far. are you going to quit now? i think i know the answer to that.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/02/12 05:58 PM
I'm not quitting we all know that. I just get anxious. And then I have to ask myself what my fear is. My fear is he has "settled down" and I won't have love I'll feel alone. That's silly because even when I was in the M I felt more alone than I do now! LOL and I'm not ready to be in love so that's not an option. I'm lucky enough to have his friendship so I'm sticking with that. And I'll re evaluate in the future
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/02/12 06:11 PM
brit, i know how you feel. each day is a new challenge. one day we're glad they're gone and see all the reasons why we can't be with them, the next, they're the love of our lives and we want them home so badly. if this healing were only a straight trajectory instead of a roller coaster. it would be so much easier. up, down, up, down! no wonder we suffer from anxiety! we're waiting for the next dip...

you are doing great. i have lots of faith in you because you are so wise.
thats what i like to hear brit. give yourself some credit. you feel good, you know it. you feel bad, you know it. more importantly, you look into why you feel these ways and identify what is goin on with you. if i could be half as wise as you, i would be further on than i am. fear is tough. no one likes to feel that way. i've been reading LITB's threads last couple of days. good stuff. i was just reading this when i saw you posted...

This is the title of the evening meditation:
WHEN FEAR COMES CHARGING IN

When I get really afraid I come to you in trust. Psalm 56:3

Fear is a powerful, unreasonable emotion. It influences how you think and react, and it even affects your physical well-being. Fear will stop you from reaching your potential or from allowing your loved ones to be all they can be. You know God is directing you in a certain way, but you refuse to step out in faith because of your apprehension.

Understand that your fear is based on an expectation of punishment-you believe it’s inevitable that only bad things will happen. Instead, you must focus on God’s character. God is all-powerful, all knowing, and completely loving. So obey him-he’ll only lead you in what’s best for you. With God, you never have to be afraid.

God, fear is a powerful influence in my life. Help me to obey you in faith and trust you whenever my anxieties come charging in. Amen

In God, whose word I praise, in God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid. What can mere man do to me? Psalm 56:4

kinda makes me think about stuff.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/02/12 07:17 PM
Thanks SS it's very hard sometimes. My knee jerk is to say screw this I'm not going to sit at home while he's out with her and putting it in public. (and then I think that he probably felt the same way)

but I also think that this is what I'm trying to change. It's not a race or a competition. I'm also trying to teach myself not to define myself by my R. That part of my life isn't my whole life. I need to figure out how to be Me and that me will be the same me in M, in a R, or on my own.

It's hard. I never would have thought you could be addicted to love in the same way as something else. But that's how I feel...it's the same way I felt when I struggled with food issues, with quitting smoking, etc. I've conquered those I can learn to face this. Something happens and you want to throw in the towel or you want to lash out.

It's hard because the thing that I'm fighting against is also part of a goal. Not lashing out is putting my feelings second.

Quote:
Understand that your fear is based on an expectation of punishment-you believe it’s inevitable that only bad things will happen.

I really like this. It's true. Fear is because I'm not believing in a positive outcome or that I deserve a positive outcome.
Posted By: needgrace Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/02/12 11:28 PM
Originally Posted By: Brit45
I'm also trying to teach myself not to define myself by my R. That part of my life isn't my whole life. I need to figure out how to be Me and that me will be the same me in M, in a R, or on my own.


I love this Brit!

I avoided going walking outside my house much the first few months of this bc I did not want to see any neighbours...I felt ashamed...that I had been left meant that everyone would know that something was wrong with me.

Now I do not feel that way, I am ME, regardless of what W does or does not do, M or not..

We here are on a journey to learn how to find happiness within ourselves, realizing that it can not come through anyone else... able to be happy no matter what anyone else does.. we are GROWING! smile
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/03/12 08:43 PM
So I really wish I had instituted my own 24 hour rule today. One of my mini goals or hopes was that he would initiate contact something he has done once since I went dim. Last night he liked something of mine on FB and today he sent a text.

The text was thoughtful but it also got under my skin.
This weekend I had a pretty big moment in my career. He sent a text to say that he hoped I was enjoying myself and that I should be really proud of myself that 11 year old me would be.

I replied and said thanks it was sweet of you to think of me. I am enjoying myself. Got a bit emotional last night [about the achievement] and yes I am proud.

It got under my skin because he didn't say he was proud of me or that he was happy for me and why does he think I need him to tell me I should be proud of myself GRR and in a small way I'm upset that I let him in to my emotions. He didn't reply after that.

But then again this could be a 180 for me. In the past he's always been really supportive vocally of my career (even when I was doing better than him) and I didn't always acknowledge that...I grew to take it for granted. Even after we split he was the first person I told when I got a promotion, because I knew he always believed in me.

Anyway, maybe it's a 180 that I acknowledge his support and continue to show him that I am kind/thoughtful/thankful rather than pushy selfish etc it would have been more the old me to ignore and reply much later when I wasn't basking in my old glory.

Oh I don't know. And does it mean anything that it's the first time he's initiated contact on a WEEKEND in ages (minus that time he was coming over while helping GF move. Lately he only texts me when he's at work or if he's coming over to visit)

It's a hard line to walk. To want to be in his life on his terms and hold onto my own self esteem. To be honest that text threw me off I was thinking about him all day instead of focusing on my job. I was distracted and emotional.

I spent part of today feeling a bit sorry for myself. Seeing happy families, couples and wanting that so bad. Feeling torn in not liking who he is and yet thinking I shouldn't give up.

Part of me wonders if I'm in this because I really love him or because I think it's the right thing to do.

My mind plays tricks on me and I think that he's moved on and I should just accept he doesn't want me to thinking he's not good enough for me. I swing between feeling at the bottom of the barrel to the top...and neither of those are probably true emotions.

I go back to my crystal ball I want to be his friend and I'm not ready to date. It's hard and it hurts. The right thing is not the easiest thing. And I know the easy thing won't solve things but sometimes I feel like I want it anyway.
Posted By: needgrace Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/03/12 11:04 PM
Hi Brit,

Congrats on your big moment. It says a great deal about you that you have been able to reach it in the midst of all that is going on. You are inspiring!

I lost my parents when I was in my 20's and I miss them most when good things happen to me bc I can't share it with them. I wonder if you were feeling similarly about your success today.

My mind plays tricks too and it is so hard to not know what is real... I love what Val wrote on my thread a few weeks back.. "It's only until the feelings and emotions settle... that the truth will appear."

((( )))
Brit - congrats on your achievement!

I understand why you let the text get under your skin but I think you are reading too much into the wording of a text message, which is even more limited than email, and you know how tone doesn't come across in email. Perhaps the wording was his way of expressing that he was proud of you but at the same time he learned in the past that you weren't appreciative of his expressions.

I would chalk it up as a positive interaction (that he thought of you) and leave it at that.
PS - you also did note the positive of this being the first time of him texting you on a weekend in a long time, that could be another positive but it's kind of buried among your worrying about the wording. Again, this looks more positive than negative but it's good that you are recognizing that this is a good place for you to work on your 180s in being thankful for praise smile
Posted By: zig Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/04/12 01:33 AM
i know how this feels - the back and forth. what should i do.

i was doing it for weeks , and then it came to me - i don't have to decide one way or another, i can just stay still about this and let my mind relax - and then the answers will come.

i liked what valerie wrote - it's the same.

we don't have to decide now. the back and frothing takes us away from the true focus - which is working on ourselves, taking care of ourselves. and suddenly one day, at least i think that's how it works, we'll wake up and we'll just know.

i think it's sort of the same for the WAS - specially the ones that are conflicted - just like we are conflicted and then one day, they just know too.

i don't think we can see that day coming, but before it comes, we seem to fight it in our minds so very hard.

just my thoughts

zig
Posted By: unbidden Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/04/12 02:05 AM
Zig, I totally loved your post. It resonates as true for me and has helped me set that load down for a bit.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/04/12 08:23 AM
Zig you are absolutely right! And Grace yes I think it was a bit of that especially because this weekend I spent time with a couple who H and I were friends with we were in the wedding etc. now they have an 18 month old. And although I'm not entirely sure they're happy I did miss my M. But like everyone says that M is gone and it is a mourning. And I do think that when big events happen although I was proud of myself it was strange he wasn't there as he has been for the past 7 years. He knows my struggles and how hard I've worked which is why he sent that message. He didn't have to and to be honest if the situation was reversed I don't know that I would have I may have felt like I was overstepping.

I do need to be still. It is something that come to be. It's helping that I've levelled out in terms of I don't like who he is right now, he hasn't grown. But then again he's not sharing much of his life with me so maybe that's what the friendship we'll do.....we have to get to know each other again.
Posted By: needgrace Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/04/12 04:06 PM
Being still does not come easily for me smile

This quote helps me realign when I get off track.

“In the end, just three things matter:

How well we have lived
How well we have loved
How well we have learned to let go”
― Jack Kornfield
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/04/12 06:47 PM
Today I spent some time reading jks thread. I feel in some ways out sitches are similar. And I really think that I need to project to H that I am happy and independent. And honestly I need to start living and believing that for myself.

There is a "handyman" job that he was going to do at the house that he hasn't done yet. I need him to do it before a certain date, but I don't want to bring it up. He did half of it then didn't have the tool. Then when he was here last he said oh I need to come by and do that and I said yeah it needs to be done by x date. So I don't know if I should email him about it as the clock is ticking. I've decided other than that I can take care of everything else myself.

I think I've accepted that he isn't really a part of my life. That's not going to change unless he wants it to. And I think he knows he's got me as a "back up plan" It's been a very long hard road to get here. I don't know if he'll decide to take a second look at us. But I think accepting it fully and not having hope is the only way I can fully detach.

He's never going to push for divorce not for a few years for other reasons. I always had fears in our M that he was the kind of guy that just went with the current, that he never would have moved out of his ex's if I hadn't pushed him and you know what he never would have moved out of here if I hadn't pushed that. So I imagine I'll have to be the one to file at some point. I'll have to be the one to tell him to get his stuff out my garage. ..It's not the type of person I want to be with.

I'm sad my M ended because I feel we could have worked on our issues...IF both parties were willing. He doesn't want to. I'm sad about the way I handled my unhappiness in the M and how I acted after we split and around the time of our split both in the way I treated him and I treated myself...but I've owned that and I'm not going to live that way again. I'm sad because I'd like to have a healthy long happy M and that didn't happen....but missing that dream is different than being missing him.

He's found someone that he's moving full steam ahead with. Nothing would surprise me at this point. I'll never know if he's completely happy or if he ever has regrets...but I don't think he'll push himself out of "going with the flow" to ever address it. And I want someone who will. Who will run through the freakin rain for me. I'm pretty...ever prettier now that I've lost more weight. I'm funny....like really funny. I'm glamorous and I like sports. I can talk politics and pop culture. I have an interesting job that puts me in touch with interesting people. I always have fun stuff going on. People ask me to plan parties. I'm a great cook and good mom. I have a responsible intelligent teenager..which is pretty good for being a teen mom. I'm a hard worker...nothing's been handed to me. I have a lot to offer. Like Maggie says men would give their right arm for me.

I've been walking around feeling a bit validated in this I'm working on me thing. And through introspection beating myself up: this is how I need to change, this is how I need to be better, I made mistakes I need to work on this.....but I forgot just how much is good and right and wonderful about me. He has always loved my confidence, my sass, my fiestiness, my wit and sarcasm. I'm not saying that I want to get that back to get him back. I'm just saying that all that makes me attractive. I don't have to NOT be those things in order to not be selfish, pushy or controlling.

So in the words of the amazing Pattie Labelle: I've got a new attitude.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/04/12 06:51 PM
validated isn't the right word....working on me has sort of turned into a bit of martyrdom is what I mean
Posted By: needgrace Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/04/12 09:32 PM
YES, YES, YES, Brit... love your new post! don't ever let go of those wonderful things about you!!

I have been feeling similarly. I was beating myself up for awhile and I got too stuck in "changing" my weak parts without celebrating the good parts of me. Yesterday I had a conversation w/ my sister and told her all the wonderful feedback I had gotten recently from work and friends and she said and I realized that I am pretty darn special. It felt good to think that!

My word for the day is BALANCE..
i can work on me but also need to balance that by celebrating who I already am...

You are incredible Brit, I love your spirit!
Brit - you continue to inspire. Please keep writing. We (I) need you wink
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/04/12 10:02 PM
Aw thanks Vera....I read DB again and I don't know I feel like each time I have a mini revelation this part of me gets stronger and stronger. I do have good points and I'm working hard on the bad points.

I think in the past I've been approaching him with this sort of martyrdom/victim/guilt like I feel guilt or I feel like I'm pursuing or unwanted or bothering him in his new shiny life....It's not a matter of GAL in that sense it's just remembering. I was giving him all my power...when initially I was the one who decided he was happy being miserable and I wanted a bigger happier life.

I'm not running. I am 100% open to us working on issues. But I'm no longer approaching our friendship from a wounded position. I'm staying dark/dim/LRT but it will be a hell of a lot easier to Act as If and be happy when I see him because I'm so done.

He's been posting non stop on FB about eveything they do together....He stopped wanting to do ANYTHING go ANYWHERE when we were together. I don't know how else I can go on in my life waiting to get one text from him.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/04/12 10:35 PM
It makes me so angry that in our M I used to barter with him to get any time. I had to plead and plan and now he's off visiting museums and historical sites with her every weekend and she always checks him in on FB so the world can see. I feel like he's sticking it in my face. He doesn't get to have this honeymoon romance with her and still ask me about my life. I'm not going to be mean because it gets' me nowhere but I'm going darker.
Can you hide him from your feed? Your anger may come from a valid issue but you're angry because you're imparting meaning (H throwing it in your face) to OW's actions (which neither you nor H control). Detach, detach...
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/04/12 10:53 PM
She checks him in half the time and the other half he checks in. I have hidden him its my fault I made the mistake in looking. I'm not asking him to fix that thing he said he would. It makes me angry that promises made to me are pretty far down the list but I'm not asking I'll pay for it whatever.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/05/12 12:25 AM
My sister gave me the 2x4 tonight. She said there were reasons you walked away and those reasons are now lessons. She said think of your past relationships you never would have dreamed then that you'd meet H and in 5 years you'll say I can't believe how I feel compared to this time in my life. And she's right. I've spent 2 hours stewing. I'm ready for my next chapter,,..he can decide if he wants to try to get in my story....but I'm the main character!
Posted By: Maggie3 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/05/12 12:53 AM
Brit- delete him from your Facebook. You are going to drive yourself nuts. Luckily after I confronted my H about the texts to OW he deleted his Facebook and I got off our phone plan. I don't think I could have detached if I was constantly seeing stuff and wondering about it on his FB.
Posted By: Maggie3 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/05/12 01:01 AM
When I broke up with my college bf (back in the instant messenger days) we stayed in touch and I would obsess over the meanings behind his away messages. We were on and off for 3 years after breaking up. I'm surprised my friends still talk to me after all the drama!! Then I met H and it was like "oh that's why we didn't work out, God had this up (her) sleeve". I keep thinking that with my current situation. It's paving the way for something better, a relationship with hopefully more romance, more compliments, less anger, less resentment (and hey, more money wouldn't be bad either!)


Years ago I quoted that Garth Brooks song to my mom "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers". I wanted to rip her head off when she said it to me the day I found out about OW.... But, moms are always right wink
brit-

you are the "main" character! and what a character you are. your introspection is amazing. the feedback you give me rocks. i feel blessed having "met" you.

the crap with FB is just that. crap. i see people checking into places all the time and they are my friends. it annoys me. just cuz he went to a museum or whatever doesnt mean he is enjoying himself. specially if it was pulling teeth to get him to do it. go with the flow guys do whatever, even if they dont like it, until they are comforatable saying no or giving excuses. at least i was.

idk if he is happy. all i know is i wasnt. i was willing to put up with it because i didnt want to rock the boat. i wouldnt be so stressed if i was you. unless i really liked museums, i would get pretty sick of that quick. then when he does, she might start trying to "force" him to do stuff. he didnt like that about you. probly wont like it about her. maybe he will see the common denominator is himself. maybe not.

either way. you said it yourself, you are a catch. keep being positive about YOU. all the things you have done are amazing. keep it up. im reading a book about unconditional love. when you love yourself it is easier to love others with no expectations. people notice that and are drawn to it. he might be as well. if not, oh well. you will be happy and at peace.

Originally Posted By: Brit45
My sister gave me the 2x4 tonight. She said there were reasons you walked away and those reasons are now lessons. She said think of your past relationships you never would have dreamed then that you'd meet H and in 5 years you'll say I can't believe how I feel compared to this time in my life. And she's right.


think about this. happiness starts with you. love starts with you.
You are amazing. I love your line about how pretty you are and now that you're even prettier..I feel the same way! My h is truly missing out. I find it entertaining when guys I just meet are like " who's the idiot who left you?" And I just think I know right?!

Keepbup the good work. I know on db you can make them like private without deleting him if you don't want to completely delete him. I know its hard not to check on that stuff but stay strong. It only hurts you or makes you sad!
You are amazing. I love your line about how pretty you are and now that you're even prettier..I feel the same way! My h is truly missing out. I find it entertaining when guys I just meet are like " who's the idiot who left you?" And I just think I know right?!

Keepbup the good work. I know on db you can make them like private without deleting him if you don't want to completely delete him. I know its hard not to check on that stuff but stay strong. It only hurts you or makes you sad!
You are amazing. I love your line about how pretty you are and now that you're even prettier..I feel the same way! My h is truly missing out. I find it entertaining when guys I just meet are like " who's the idiot who left you?" And I just think I know right?!

Keepbup the good work. I know on db you can make them like private without deleting him if you don't want to completely delete him. I know its hard not to check on that stuff but stay strong. It only hurts you or makes you sad!
You are amazing. I love your line about how pretty you are and now that you're even prettier..I feel the same way! My h is truly missing out. I find it entertaining when guys I just meet are like " who's the idiot who left you?" And I just think I know right?!

Keepbup the good work. I know on db you can make them like private without deleting him if you don't want to completely delete him. I know its hard not to check on that stuff but stay strong. It only hurts you or makes you sad!
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/05/12 02:20 AM
brit, defriend him on fb. the guy is sleeping with another woman and he's married to you. i know you said you still wanted to be his friend but it can't be that way at this time. you're not detached. maybe in the future.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/05/12 07:50 AM
Maggie thank you so much....you have really come a long way since I've "known" you I love your new attitude and being so positive. Thank you!

SS, it's hard I can't defriend him. I think that would be the old me. Plus we are mutual friends with my S and other family members. I don't want to play out my drama in front of them. Plus he's the one making himself look like an a$$. I have hidden him and I just need some self restraint to NOT look at his page. I thought about leaving FB, but that would be being a victim.

Dakota, he does enjoy some of those things or at least he did...I do think right now he doesn't have a project, he's in that honeymoon phase etc.

I woke up this morning and attempted the handyman project he was going to do. I'm not strong enough and there are screws sticking out but at least it's holding up. LOL!!! I'll get S to help me later. He's pretty strong.

The funny thing is it used to upset me when I'd think about how he was out going to places that he never went to with me while I wasn't GAL'ing. Truth is I'd had such a great weekend and last night I was cozy on my sofa with my dog completely happy to be doing nothing rather than worrying that I was missing out on life.

He says he doesn't know if he can get past my R with my coworker...I don't know if I can get past this. I can see more from his side of the fence. When he says who knows maybe in the future it's because the idea of me dating/sleeping with/going to Valentine's Dinner with another guy was too much for him to "get over" just like the idea of me "getting over" him moving in with a girl, taking her on exciting day trips, putting it on FB for all our friends and family to see is a bit too much for me right now.

I am being still as everyone says. This is me venting right now. I'm making no "knee-jerk" reactions as I'm prone to do...ie: text/phone/email him, say something about his FB activity for some other reason other than the pain it caused me, go on a date with someone, decide I'm done, delete my FB, delete him off my FB. About the biggest knee jerk I did was try a bit of DIY!

Who knows my inner decision that I'm done being a martyr and I'm not happy with his actions may just be the 180 that's needed to get him to take a second look....but I'm not doing it for that reason...and if it does that's when we have to have a million convos.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/05/12 08:25 AM
almost started laughing when I read my horoscope for today:

Cast your mind back several years and think about the person you used to be. How have you changed since then? Before this amazing week is over, you may feel you have moved on just as far from the person that you were last weekend! But just as, ultimately, you are still yourself, albeit wiser and stronger, so you can rest assured that these changes won't be nerve-rackingly dramatic. It will just be helpful, inspiring, uplifting, empowering and enriching. Long- deserved gains are starting to come your way.
Just another thought on the FB thing - I don't think you need to delete him, but definitely stop checking on him. What if you took a break from FB and deactivated for a bit? I don't think that's being a victim. I've done this before and it gave me a lot of needed mental space b/c I wasn't worried about checking up on everyone constantly. Those that needed to get a hold of me know how to do that. You could send a message to others letting them know you'll be available by email/whatever.

Originally Posted By: Brit45

I woke up this morning and attempted the handyman project he was going to do. I'm not strong enough and there are screws sticking out but at least it's holding up. LOL!!! I'll get S to help me later. He's pretty strong.

The funny thing is it used to upset me when I'd think about how he was out going to places that he never went to with me while I wasn't GAL'ing. Truth is I'd had such a great weekend and last night I was cozy on my sofa with my dog completely happy to be doing nothing rather than worrying that I was missing out on life.


^^^Excellent, good for you - more of this! smile
Originally Posted By: Brit45
almost started laughing when I read my horoscope for today:

Cast your mind back several years and think about the person you used to be. How have you changed since then? Before this amazing week is over, you may feel you have moved on just as far from the person that you were last weekend! But just as, ultimately, you are still yourself, albeit wiser and stronger, so you can rest assured that these changes won't be nerve-rackingly dramatic. It will just be helpful, inspiring, uplifting, empowering and enriching. Long- deserved gains are starting to come your way.


this is good stuff. seems like the stars are even seeing your progress. way to go on the DIT. thats cool. im glad to hear you are comfy just sitting on the couch being you. i am getting there.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/05/12 01:22 PM
I barely slept last night and had another crying fit. urgh. I know those will end...they are getting farther and farther apart.

When I was a WAW I didn't think he would be the first to find a R. I'm actaully really shocked at a lot of this behaviour. I need to detach and possibly move on. He has stepped out of crying every day (his words) to finding someone that is so like him that they spend every day together. I think that detaching will help me manage the hurt I constantly feel from this sitch...which I know only happens because I keep thinking and waiting for him to take a second look.

He hasn't even had a first look. He's said that he doesn't know what he did that was so wrong and of course now he has someone that's just telling him how amazing he is.

I read Accuray's post on someone's thread that said don't ask what did I do wrong ask what can I do better. the first makes you feel bad the second empowers you.

So I'm concentrating on that...what can I do better? How can I be the woman of my dreams? I need a whole new wardrobe! Nothing fits in a good way and I'm looking at shaking up my style!
Detaching will definitely help you manage the hurt. At some point you may reach the level of detachment where it doesn't hurt because you realize his actions aren't directed AT YOU. It's a mountain but we all have to climb it.

I am also having some sleeping issues; going to try to pick up some melatonin today. Sorry to hear you had a rough night frown Stop checking FB!!!
Posted By: Maggie3 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/05/12 02:01 PM
Brit- I deactivated my FB for awhile. It felt good. Now I use it again and have blocked many of H's friends and his mom and brother from seeing my posts. Not that I write anything controversial but just because I know H could see what was going on in my life through them. He doesn't get to see what is going on in my life anymore.

Just curious what your sign is Brit? Loved your horoscope. If you are a Leo too I will die! I used to always read my horoscope and fell out of the habit. Recently I did one of those are your signs compatible with my H's sign. It pretty much said we were an okay fit...but that I am meant to be with an aquarius. Guess my new pick up line will be "What's your sign?".

I am also interested in shaking up my style but don't want to spend a lot of money (not sure if you have an H&M near you, or a Francesca's Closet but those stores are cheap and great). I've been trying to accessorize more, etc. And I try not to dress in jeans and t-shirts as much. People at work have noticed and commented, which feels nice. My style has always been pretty preppy and casual and I think I'd like to throw some sexy in the mix!!
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/05/12 02:05 PM
oops I meant he went from crying everyday to being in this R in the space of 4 weeks.

I know it's not directed at me. It's strange I'm waiting for my emotions to catch up with my head. I know we're both hurting or were hurt and we're both trying to do the best we can. In my head I don't want to begrudge him any happiness. I read something that said if nothing else everyday say thank you to your ex for lessons you will learn from this.

It's funny last night knowing they went somewhere this weekend that we'd been before seemed like a huge deal and now not so much.
Posted By: needgrace Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/05/12 03:24 PM
Originally Posted By: Brit45

I read Accuray's post on someone's thread that said don't ask what did I do wrong ask what can I do better. the first makes you feel bad the second empowers you.

So I'm concentrating on that...what can I do better? How can I be the woman of my dreams? I need a whole new wardrobe! Nothing fits in a good way and I'm looking at shaking up my style!


Love that post from Accuracy... so true. Have fun clothes shopping! Enjoy your new self!

I put a post on fb that I was taking a break a few months ago, deactivated and I have been mostly happy that I did. I don't have to worry about seeing something I don't want to see and I don't have to second-guess my motives for posting something.

I also think fb was part of W's general unhappiness before the bomb. It makes it seem like everyone is constantly having the best time ever.. Most people (myself included) don't paint the most realistic picture of their lives on there, that is not the purpose.. and I think it may have helped fool my W into thinking the grass is greener...

I say this bc your H's postings do not reflect everything he is thinking or experiencing right now.. It is easy to think they do, but who knows.. the grass may not be as green as it appears... or even if it is right now, time catches up to the fantasy of every new R.

I know that taking a break from fb helped me sleep better. When I was on there, I could not help wondering if W would find out about my posts... and what she might think. And when I would see mutual friends post about an event, I would wonder if she were there and on and on.

Melatonin is good. Hope you find something that helps. smile
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/05/12 03:41 PM
Quote:
Just curious what your sign is Brit? Loved your horoscope. If you are a Leo too I will die!
I'm a Sag but I think Leos and Sags are similar! I get exactly what you mean about not getting to see your life!

Quote:
I don't have to worry about seeing something I don't want to see and I don't have to second-guess my motives for posting something.
I did take a mini break but didn't announce it. I think announcing it or deactivating would be a bit melodramatic. I'm just going to take a break and check once a day to see if my family has contacted me. A lot of them email me through FB.

I had actually created a new "list" and would post things so that he couldn't see so then I wouldn't worry about my motives.

Someone told me the same thing that it may not be the most realistic picture. It doesn't really matter....it makes me think about his life and his activities and I want to be my own main character of my thoughts!!

I've decided to get a journal and put it by my bed and every night/morning I'm going to write 5 things I'm thankful for and 5 ways I experienced love that day (at night) whether giving or recieving. Too often when I go to bed and wake up the first thing I do is agonize over my sitch...and then tell myself to stop thinking bad thoughts. I need a NEW habit.

I just read a really good story online about "letting love in" and I'll figure out how to paraphrase and post it.
I'm with Maggie - trying to accessorize more and picked up a few new items. I definitely got some comments at work a few weeks ago all in one day - I must have been getting really lazy before! smile Check out Etsy and support independent artisans!

Can you recommend a "good" horoscope site (I know it's all for fun but some are better than others)? I used to check it for fun but got out of the habit.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/05/12 03:47 PM
a man stood on a riverbank and watched a man catch fish measure the fish against a broken ruler and throw back any that were bigger than the ruler. He wondered what must be wrong with the larger fish...maybe as they got bigger they didn't taste as good. Eager to make the right decision he asked the man why he threw away the larger ones. The man said "you see that ruler? That's the size of my frying pan"

so the website went on to say that he man was denying himself anything bigger because he had a rigid amount he was willing to accept. So should you open up and allow more? a bigger life, a bigger love etc.

I guess it just made me realize that in my hurt and pain of the R and how much I missed H I might be limiting myself to what's out there and the possibility of other outcomes. I need to get a bigger frying pan one..it's a lot like a begginers mind but it just made it real for me. (if you google let love in ruler fish I'm sure you can find it but I know they don't like outside links)
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/05/12 03:55 PM
astrologyzone .com is fantastic. She does very in depth month long and has an app that does daily. She is very accurate...kinda spooky. I also like Jonathan Cainer. He's a bit nuts and sometimes his are more like daily thoughts with poetry or quotes but it's just fun! The one from above was a Cainer one.
Thanks! I am giggling at Susan's monthly for me . . . Apparently Jupiter is in my house of true love starting next week and my chart looks "far more romantic than anything" I've experienced over the past years.

"If you have a pure heart, and genuinely want to find and encourage lasting love, you will soon enter the most exciting period of your life to allow that to happen. What lies ahead is a chance for emotional depth and richness. To make this work for you, you must be part of this effort and be determined to enter this period with all good intentions."

Well, if that's not some serious money in the PMA bank, I don't know what is wink wink
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/05/12 04:13 PM
oh you're the same as my H because I saw that and wanted to vom!
Yikes - sorry! - but it's only a *chance* for depth and richness, and that doesn't mean he's putting in the work to get there. I'm guessing he's not reading this anyway! Keep the focus on yourself. You ARE wiser and stronger than before and you are gaining so much for yourself! smile
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/05/12 04:23 PM
back to the topic of local artists I've decided I need to get to pictures/posters/paintings etc and spruce up my house. my bedroom is pretty sparse and it still doesn't feel very homey.

I think changing that will help. Going to get a very girly blanket for the bed also! and make me my little bodouir!
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/05/12 10:30 PM
recruited a friend of mine to look help me "shake up my style" she's really into fashion so she's loving it.

I spent tonight window shopping online.

I'm thankful for good friends, an interesting documentary I watched that made me think about humanity and art, S who volunteered to go to the store in the rain, my dog who makes me smile, and a cozy home.

Today I gave love by finding beauty in my surroundings something I haven't done recently, going above and beyond in my job, telling a friend that I'm looking forward to seeing them and was excited to work with them soon, taking the time to actually talk to someone when they were opening up to me rather than just smile/nod/shuffle on about my day, be appreciative and responsive to S when he asked about my day and showed me funny things on his comp.

I am already feeling more relaxed. I think I will sleep good tonight. I'm making plans for the next few weeks and I'm genuinely excited about them. Not in a "see I have stuff going on too" or "good because sitting around the house makes me depressed" I'm finding the joy in my time at home, I'm appreciating my down time now. I'm looking forward to upcoming events because I'll be happy to see friends and go to new experiences.

There were a few things that I always wanted to do ((events i wanted to go to)) that H thought wasn't his scene. And I can't wait to do them. I think he covered up his insecurities a lot of time by saying he was too good to do this or that when really he was intimidated....well I'm not. I'm going to enjoy myself. I felt that way at something I went to last weekend. I thought he would have laughed at this if I'd suggested it! And he used to do the same about something else that I did recently and I really enjoyed myself.

Anyway, I'm liking this freedom.
Posted By: Maggie3 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/05/12 11:44 PM
Brit- I like it. You sound more positive already. I too am going to journal 5 positives each day. I've been buying lots of deals off those half off sites, groupon, etc. This summer I am going horse back riding, taking boxing, and having a spa day...all at half off!!

This is from my H and I as a match on that site you suggested. I had to laugh...it is pretty spot on, except he didn't communicate anything until he was done with our relationship.

You are lucky that Gemini is a mutable sign, and therefore adaptable, flexible and communicative. Gemini employ their heads over their hearts in love, and spend lots of time analyzing where the relationship is heading, whether they tell you about it or not. This is not necessarily bad, for at least one of you will speak up if things start going wrong. When your lover expresses concern about your relationship, don't just dismiss Gemini's worries. That is the biggest mistake a Leo can make with a Gemini. If a Gemini needs to talk, it is important to listen and respond!
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/06/12 07:29 AM
So a small part of me thought now that he's going back to work today I might hear from him....his mini vacation with her is over. Sure enough 8:15am he texts me to say he was somewhere where they were giving out free dog food and he picked up a bag for the dog. He thought he's come by tonight to drop it off and say hi. An I busy......

ARGH

Part of me is angry.....you spend all weekend posting on FB about your mini vacation with her and then the first day you're back you want to come over? And I'm supposed to be cool with that? At the same time it's not like I have any hold on him....he's allowed to go on a trip around the world with her of he wants.

I worry that since he just got back he'll talk about it or worse NOT talk about it and it will be the elephant in the room.

I want to set boundaries but I don't want to push him away. I'm hurt but I still think we should be friends. I'm not replying until I get your advice.

Bug? GB? KD? Grace? SS? Vera? Anyone!!!
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/06/12 07:31 AM
Or should I just take this a positive that he thought of the dog and wants to see me/us?
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/06/12 09:44 AM
my thoughts, take it as a positive. be nice. he's your friend, remember? we will do well to treat them as friends. if he were just your friend, you wouldn't be thinking of all these other things.

if he brings up his vacation activities, act as if you're just a friend. what would you say to a friend? would you be upset that a friend went on a vacation without you and with someone else?

i've come to realize that my H really pulls back when he detects any anger towards him. it brings back all the reasons why he was unhappy; why we can't be together. it puts stress on him.

keep it stress free! i know you can do it because i learned this from YOU!!

now, just be brit!
Posted By: FuzzyBear Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/06/12 10:33 AM
I see you have caught onto the 5 positives I suggested (or maybe you already had that idea smile

You always mention that as a WAS, your turn around point was when H became happy despite of you. He had effectively GAL'ed. Do you think the same for your sitch?

It's a hard thing. I'm still trying to take baby steps to find positives in my own life that are despite/independent of WAS. Doing those little things to love yourself help add to the list of positives. In your case, decorating your home, appreciating QT with S, etc. I think that you are on the right track and you continue to inspire me to LRT.
Hmm. It is a positive, a small one, I think.

But, to answer his question, are you busy? Or are you around whenever he wants to stop by?
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/06/12 12:11 PM
I'm not busy. I do tend to be around.

I ended up texting him back and said that's fine. what time? He said about 6:30 which is I guess is good because it means he isn't just stopping off between work and going to her place.

But then I had a big think about it and realized that this doesn't have anything to do with him. My boundries...are trying to manipulate. And that I should see this an opportunity, to let go of my resentment and anger (because it's only based in the fact that he's not doing what I want...which is no reason to be angry) So I stopped thinking about what he will think if I agree, or if I'm not busy or whatever and instead made myself the main character and thought what will this do for me:

*I can use this as an opptunity to practice grace, forgivess, and love

I read something on Oprah's website (don't laugh) the author wrote Prince Harming I think. Anyway she said that she let go of all the anger and hate she had for her ex-bf and was thankful for the lessons she learned. She even changed him name in her phone to TEACHER.

That really made me think about my dealings with H. Instead of getting upset at his actions, reacting to him out of what I think he deserves based on his current actions, I just thought in this moment what can I learn, how can I grow. So I'm not even thinking about seeing him tonight in terms of how he'll think of me and what I can project I'm just thinking how can I grow? how is this an opportunity for me!
Hey Brit...just wanted to check in to let you know I still think of you daily and read your posts...the leaps you have made are truly inspiring. Your "journaling" is very helpful for us LBS' who want to know just what the heck is going on in those WAS' minds! LOL I'm not on here as much as I want to be...trying to GAL is a bear sometimes...

((((Brit))))

Keep up the good work!
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/06/12 01:16 PM
thank you so much TD! I feel like I haven't posted much on threads since going back to work. I'm going to do that this weekend. I am so happy you are GAL. And you're such a great dad I bet that's taking up a lot of time too!

I don't know I think I turned into an LBS for awhile.

I feel really good today. Work is busy which always makes me feel confident. I was invited to join a sort of networking group of local woman who do cool things haha. Normally I wouldn't do something like that but I'm really excited to make new friends, make contacts, etc.

my horoscope said that improtant relationship had felt strained lately but it would be getting a new lease of life. I like that. I'm looking forward to leaving behind all the hurt and anger and resentment. It will happen someday
Work is so important...keeps me, at least, sane and busy. Busy is good! Thank you for the kind words...I try my best to be a good father, I just don't see my babies enough. And of course, my D16 is still mad at me...giving her as much space as she needs as well. At least my other two (D14 and D11) still get excited about being with me.

Love the horoscope...sometimes those things can be so right on! wink
Posted By: zig Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/06/12 01:43 PM
my horoscope said that improtant relationship had felt strained lately but it would be getting a new lease of life. I like that. I'm looking forward to leaving behind all the hurt and anger and resentment. It will happen someday

are you a sag? coz that's what mine says too - and i'm really looking forward to it also

"strained" is like a cosmic understatement, huh?
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/06/12 01:46 PM
YEP!!!! That must be why our sitch's are so similar haha!
Posted By: zig Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/06/12 01:54 PM
So I stopped thinking about what he will think if I agree, or if I'm not busy or whatever and instead made myself the main character and thought what will this do for me:


that's where i've made a similar shift too. i'm tired of over analyzing every move i make and how it's coming across to him.

yes, i tend to be around also. sometimes i say no it's not a good time, sometimes i'm okay with just going with the flow.

did you have trouble going with the flow and being flexible during the marriage? i couldn't do it at all - the anxiety would make me a mess so my 180 is, in a way to show him that i can deal calmly and pleasantly with last minute stuff. which i really can , i've found now.

Instead of getting upset at his actions, reacting to him out of what I think he deserves based on his current actions, I just thought in this moment what can I learn, how can I grow.

ooh that's the big one right? - finally realized myself that deep down i was doing that. that's really starting to detach when we can get away from the above. and the reacting may not be in actions or words but it's inside our minds where it keeps us stuck and barely able to think straight.

what doesn't help either is that those actions are difficult, and it is reinforced by the people around us - family and friends who disapprove also. so we can stay in the cycle longer because what we're feeling is being confirmed by others also, which seems to validate it more for us
This is mine:

You may not be totally sure of yourself this morning, but by the end of the day, you should feel much more confident. Even if things don’t look good, believe in yourself and you can win!

Yay! I can win! laugh
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/06/12 02:06 PM
Quote:
what doesn't help either is that those actions are difficult, and it is reinforced by the people around us - family and friends who disapprove also. so we can stay in the cycle longer because what we're feeling is being confirmed by others also, which seems to validate it more for us


YES!! My family and friends that I do talk about this all say "he's with someone else, he's flashing it all over FB, he tells you you're prettier and more fun but he's moving in with her. I wouldn't even talk to him." And when talking about other issues they say "yeah but what do you get out of it...sorry i wouldn't do that"

But yes....in my head I've decided my interactions with him have nothing to do with him. I approaching this as a learning opportunity for me. I'm not "doing something" for him. I'm being a person who is operating out of love and forgiveness instead of tit for tat you know? As soon as I shifted in my mind from thinking about him "should I really let him spend time with me the day he gets back from vacation with her????" To thinking....."Grace and forgiveness doesn't think that way...will I be happier with myself if I make up an excuse in order to hold some sort of resentment?"

I think the 180 for me is to not operate out of resentment or hold a grudge. When he's right it's not fair for me to have a grudge...

google that oprah thing Zig it's good!
Posted By: zig Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/06/12 02:16 PM
yes brit - i'm trying to do the same thing - stop and ask myself - am i doing this from a place of love, or from my reaction to what i know is going on?

i find myself slightly confused as to how to reconcile the state of agape with setting boundaries. maybe i'll talk about it with iC this morning

i'm really interested in the concept of agape - the idea of giving all things in love without any concern for self-gratification.

i am striving towards that state within myself - it's actually fascinating to me, because i was so much the opposite of that - my love was so conditional before.

but i have to admit that the concepts of DB'ing seem to clash in some way with the concept of agape. DB'ing is a means to an end, while agape is giving up all resistance to whatever you don't agree with

maybe i'm interpreting it wrongly - and agape is the same as "dropping the rope"

what do you think?
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/06/12 02:40 PM
I think DB gives very practical advice for people who may not be in a place to understand more. So it says stop blaming, stop pursuing instead of put your feelings second, don't be selfish let them have space.

I think that what you're saying is that you can't love unconditionally without boundries but I don't think that's ture. Loveing unconditionally doesn't mean being a doormat or doing anything that would hurt yourself because then you couldn't continue to love because you'd be operating at a deficit.

I'm able to talk about all this but it's harder in practice. I am reactive, impulsive, hot headed, passionate, and selfish. I'm trying to change or challenge those. Today I'm proud that I didn't react I waited got my thoughts together and decided to see him after all.
Posted By: labug Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/06/12 03:23 PM
I think that what you're saying is that you can't love unconditionally without boundries but I don't think that's ture. Loveing unconditionally doesn't mean being a doormat or doing anything that would hurt yourself because then you couldn't continue to love because you'd be operating at a deficit
I think many people get twisted around the axle at this point. My understanding of DBing is, remove yourself from the conflict(detach), look inside and figure out what you know is not working in you, start working on those things and in response to the changes, S may change.

No Guarantees.

Except, you can become a better you and this will take lots of time.

If things don't improve in the R, then there are choices to make.
Posted By: labug Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/06/12 03:28 PM
Instead of getting upset at his actions, reacting to him out of what I think he deserves based on his current actions, I just thought in this moment what can I learn, how can I grow.

HUGE!

I was paying my H back constantly for injustices (supposed) in the past. I see it all so clearly now that it makes me cringe. My demeanor, my tone of voice, my body language.
Posted By: Autumn Leaves Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/06/12 04:02 PM
Originally Posted By: labug

I was paying my H back constantly for injustices (supposed) in the past. I see it all so clearly now that it makes me cringe. My demeanor, my tone of voice, my body language.



Something I have been working on lately as well, and I found myself cringing at times. Now I think it through, and give it 24 hours. If I still think a response is needed, I think just a little bit longer smile
Posted By: Brit45 Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/06/12 04:45 PM
Originally Posted By: Autumn Leaves
Originally Posted By: labug

I was paying my H back constantly for injustices (supposed) in the past. I see it all so clearly now that it makes me cringe. My demeanor, my tone of voice, my body language.



Something I have been working on lately as well, and I found myself cringing at times. Now I think it through, and give it 24 hours. If I still think a response is needed, I think just a little bit longer smile




The more I think about it the more I probably did it during the marriage and certainly during out split. There's very little I'd been able to say to him without some sort of spite in my voice or a second meaning after he met her. Or I was super friendly but all with an "end means" as Zig said.

I'm not making his R with GF about me anymore. It's giving it more power. It's giving him more power. Who the freak knows how this happened but I feel so calm and level about this whole thing.

2 things:
My sister made a point that every R I've had I've improved on the type of person and sitch I've put myself in/with. She said this means you're holding yourself in higher esteem. Who knows if in a few years you'll think why did I put up with his x, y, and z. I'm so happy I'm with New Man now. That's a good point. I did make this decision in the beginning because I wanted more and I convinced he didn't. I'm still not confident that he does want more.

2ed a friend of mine stopped me on the way out of work and talked about his FB activity and how another mutual friend noticed it too. She said it's just so weird. He's never on FB. He never checks in at places and now it's non stop with "GF's name" our other mutual friend was like who is this girl...when did she come on the scene? I said I know. I guess he wants people to know he does stuff. And she said I've just never seen him like this. He's more sensible. It's strange and I said yeah me neither, but I've hidden him. I don't want a play by play and she said that's a good idea.
And then I realized he's not thinking, because he's in new R haze. When you can't wait to tell everyone what you're doing and it's all so new and amazing. And look how fun we are! and look how much fun we're having. It's mind reading I know. But in a weird way it made me feel better...that maybe it's not the real him because he's drunk and infatuated and I know how that feels...you don't think of anyone but yourself.

I need a new thread title...Cadet is gonna kick me off!
Posted By: needgrace Re: Falling in Love Again.....with ME! - 06/06/12 05:19 PM
Originally Posted By: labug
Instead of getting upset at his actions, reacting to him out of what I think he deserves based on his current actions, I just thought in this moment what can I learn, how can I grow.

HUGE!

I was paying my H back constantly for injustices (supposed) in the past. I see it all so clearly now that it makes me cringe. My demeanor, my tone of voice, my body language.





I love this entire post.
What can I learn, how can I grow today?
My mantra for today....
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