First thread Second thread I noticed that I was just past 100 so I thought I'd start a new one.
I'm back in the northwest after my 12 days in Hawaii. The job there wrapped up in time for me to see some stuff (since it was my first visit there and all). Earlier in my trip, before things picked up, I saw the palace. Before leaving I saw the Utah and Oklahoma memorials, paid a not-nearly long enough visit to the Missouri, and went to the Arizona memorial. Later in the day I went and hiked Diamond Head. Now I'm back in my hometown for a wedding, and will finally get home on monday evening. I REALLY enjoyed hawaii. More than I thought I would, since I didn't really like the gulf coast at all and the virgin islands were just 'nice' but not anything i got super excited over. But I LOVED Hawaii - I guess that's kind of a 180 in its own right !!
Things are mostly quiet on the marriage front. I get a text message from her every couple weeks and we have a pleasant if not profound conversation. For anyone who wasn't following, may have forgot, and/or doesn't want to read the entire second thread, she came back to the NW from Arizona (where she moved in February) to visit her family, and asked to stop by our house and visit her cats, which she hadn't taken with her. I of course would have loved to see her but I didn't ask to - i figured, and a few friends agreed, that it would be better to let her initiate any moves like that when and if she was ready. She did not but had an enjoyable visit with the cats, and our exchanges were pleasant.
There's SOME evidence she may have a boyfriend - and I've actually taken that better than I had thought. Considering where her head is, she doesn't plan to come back. She may not even think we'll see each other ever again. And that may of course be true. But either way, if she THINKS she's ready to move on, or is trying to convince herself she is, it's only natural. Two more things to consider - first, my counselor had commended me for taking the "high road" and I certainly think this would fit that discription. But second, and more important than appearances of taking the high road, is the fact that a couple I'm friends with we're in a very similar situation: the wife had filed for legal separation and moved (to Arizona too, coincidentally enough). They were apart for 14 months, she dated for a year of that time, and now they're back together working things out. I had dinner with them in San Diego. So not only do I COGNITIVELY know that there are couples who've been through the same or worth, I know one of them fairly well and was very recently face to face with them !!
I heard from my wife again on Thursday - my last full day in Hawaii. She texted with a health care coverage question which I couldnt answer but it did give me the chance to say I hoped she was well. When she said "you too" I finally had a halfway decent opportunity to tell her I was in Hawaii. A fairly pleasant conversation ensued. I ALMOST told her I wish I had been able to bring her there but I thought better of it. And in went out of my way to avoid mentioning that if she had chosen differently she could have spent 12 days in Hawaii too - I kind of hoped that, evenif eventually as opposed to right away, it would occur to her on its own without me having to wave it in her face.
And here's something eerie - when she initially texted, for the first time in about 2 weeks, I was at the Arizona memorial. Standing. Right. Over. The. Ship.
On the way home from Hawaii I made a short detour to my hometown for a wedding. The ceremonial part was mercifully short but also as difficult as I expected. The dinner/reception part was pretty fun though.
The whole evening did, however, make me much mor conscious of missing my wife - which I say here and to a couple friends because I don't figure it would be a good thing to tell HER
On the way home from Hawaii I made a short detour to my hometown for a wedding. The ceremonial part was mercifully short but also as difficult as I expected. The dinner/reception part was pretty fun though.
The whole evening did, however, make me much mor conscious of missing my wife - which I say here and to a couple friends because I don't figure it would be a good thing to tell HER
Hey Kolja, I know it is hard sometimes to steer clear of the triggers but sometimes it is unavoidable. Reach back to that which has given you the strength over the past several months to help you get past these rough patches.
You have been doing really well and your GAL rivals the best I've seen on these boards. Your recent trip to Hawaii sounds like it was a great distraction for you. Any new races in your future?
Yeah - I miss her every day, but usually it's pretty quiet and in the background. A setting like a wedding kind of put more emphasis on it. But as the day has gone on, I've focused more on just simply being grateful for our pleasant exchange last week.
Next race is June 23 down in Seattle.
Hey Kolja,
Just checking in. You are moving right along. I enjoy your postings, very introspective and mature.
Strained my hamsting 2 weeks ago, have been doing precor for rehab, no pain, no running for one month, this is my longest forced respite from running in 36 years! How is yours coming along?
Slowly getting faster. I did 11 miles on Saturday at a 9:55 pace, better than my first 1/2 marathon and Bloomsday earlier in the month.
Turned out that catching up at work after 2 weeks gone wasn't as hard as I'd thought it would be, and I came in to find out that one of the Sailors who works for me got picked up in the most recent promotion cycle, so all in all it's been a pretty good first day back!
Interesting development today - as I was getting ready for work, I had a text message from the wife.
She said she had been laid off from her job, and asked if she could stay on the cell phone plan a little longer. I said of course she could, and that I was sorry to hear her news. We've been texting back and forth a bit since then, and I've tried to be as encouraging and supportive as I can.
Now, and I'm being honest - there's no schadenfruede here. There's some GRATITUDE for what I have (steady job, even if in the past it has been challenging and not always pleasant). I do legitimately feel bad it's happened to her; I remember her telling me how much she liked her new job and I certainly don't wish her ill.
But, at the same time, in the grand scheme things, I can't help but wonder where, if anywhere, this will lead us?
In the meantime, back in my own little world, now that I'm back in my house after the wedding and all, things are good. I'm caught up at work and at home, running and lifting continues to go well, I'm making progress on various projects around the house and even on a hobby project or two.
While of course I'd still welcome a reconciliation and part of me can't help but wonder if this is the beginning of that opportunity, when I stop and look at my day-to-day life, I can't help but sometimes think it would be OK if it take a while to play itself out...
You are in a good place feeling that A Day in the Life of Kolja is pretty good as is.
Fill us in a bit re: the content of the texting back and forth and what sorts of things you and her are saying.
How soon is Seattle Half again? Any time goals? Your pace continues to improve. Have you started doing any weekly speedwork yet (intervals, fartlek, tempo runs?)? If not, it seems like you have a good enough base that you can add it to your repertoire.
Here's 'transcripts,' if you will, from 2 of our last 3 discussions (I'll skip the middle of the 3 because it was purely logistical, about our cell phone account, with no strong positives or negatives, no epiphanies, or anything).
On May 24, while I was still in Hawaii, I was playing tourist since the exercise was done and there was another day before my flight out. I was at the Arizona memorial, literally standing RIGHT OVER the ship, looking at the oil spots on the surface from the fuel still in the sunken ship (how's that for eerie?). My phone (on silent) went off, and I waited a few minutes to check it:
W: How much longer do I have on the medical insurance??
Me: I don't know...
W: OK!!! (potential exasperation? not sure, but read on...)
Me: I haven't made any changes yet, but once I hear things are final I will. I presume there's some time period where you're still covered, but I don't know what it is.
W: K thanks!
Me: You're welcome. Hope you're well. (we hadn't talked in 2 weeks, since she came back up to visit her family, and visited her cats at the house while I was at work).
W: Thanks. You too.
Me: Thanks. I've been TAD in Hawaii since the 13th (first chance I had to tell her that, unless I was going to just tell her out of the blue - which would have seemed too pursuing to me).
W: Wow... nice. Enjoy
Me: Work hours were long but base lodging was full so I got to stay in Waikiki.
W: Fun. :-)
Me: Yeah I've really enjoyed it. And there's a chance I'll be back here in August for a week.
W: Cool :-)
Me: Yep!!
W: Well have fun. Enjoy it there... :-)
Me: It's been neat going for runs on Waikiki. Saturday I did nine miles from my hotel down around the base of diamond head and back - but it was dark (a couple of our texts crossed each other at this point).
W: That sounds like fun... NOT.. HA HA (interestingly, originally SHE was the one who wanted to try a half marathon, but I digress...)
At this point I sent her a picture I took with my phone the previous Sunday afternoon after I got off work of the Arizona memorial from the shore of Ford Island, with a rainbow behind it.
W: Awesome! I went there when I was 15, but haven't been since.
Me: I remember you mentioning that. I also saw an ad for swimming with sea turtles. (she once told me, in better times when she said she really wanted us to take a trip to Hawaii, that she wanted to do this - I wanted to suggest that I remember us talking about it, without being over the top by saying how I wished we would have had the chance to do the honeymoon there we talked about).
I then sent her a picture I took of the sunset on Waikiki beach, which she liked.
A week later, while I was at a retirement reception, was the purely logistical conversation about the cell phone account.
Less than a week after that, Thursday the 7th:
W: Hey I was hoping you could do me a big favor... yesterday I got laid off at my job yesterday (sic) and was wondering if I could stay on the cell phone plan a little longer? Let me know.
Me: Sure you can. That's no problem at all. I'm really sorry to hear you got laid off (I legitimately was - she had said she really liked it, and while another shot at our marriage would be great I certainly don't wish any ILL upon her for it to happen...)
W: Thanks... I will tell you more later...
Me: Ok - keep your chin up; everything will work out for you I'm sure
W: Thank you
Me: No problem. I'll be thinking of you
W: Thanks. It was a shock...
Me: I can imagine it was. I'm so sorry it happened to you
W: Thank you. I will figure something out...
Me: I know you will
W: :-)
That was all mid-morning. When I got back home, figuring she could use something to smile about and knowing she missed her/our cats, I tried to get a picture of the little guys. They were busy playing so it wasn't all that easy, but I finally got one and sent it to her, with a caption saying "We're kind of busy playing but we stood still JUST long enough to say HI MOM!!!!"
W: Thank you :-)
As I retype it, I realize that while it's not all that intimate of a conversation, and while we've had some FRIENDLY conversations here and there, it's still the most intimate - in terms of her sharing things with me and me being receptive to it - exchange we've had in quite some time, and the first POSITIVE quasi-intimate one we've had in a very long time. I tried to be supportive and encouraging, and be loving without being pursuing, smothering or over the top.
As far as the Seattle half - it's June 23. My buddy and his girlfriend (she has a place in West Seattle) will be in California; I had rather hoped to be able to crash with them since it's a 2 hour drive and gas prices here in Puget Sound are giving the prices I saw in Hawaii a run for the money - no pun intended - and I drive a 16 year old truck! But I found a good deal from hotels.com on a room down near the airport - only $65 plus tax. So I can roll down there Friday evening, pick up my packet, get a good night's sleep, and get to the race next morning without an unreasonably early morning.
My first time was 2:13:14, so I'd like to get in the neighborhood of 2:05ish. I think that would be a respectable improvement. I haven't done any speedwork, but since the weather's been nicer than it was when I was getting ready for April, I've been outside more - and it's REALLY hilly where I live. I felt I hadn't prepared myself very well for the hills on my first one, so I'm glad I've had the opportunity to run some lately.
Browsing around on the internet,I realize I'm not too familiar with the shorthand a lot of the training plans use for speedwork, so I'll need to do some academic homework before implementing them to make sure I understand what they're actually telling me to do!! A program I saw on Runners World's site made me feel like I was back in the calculus course the navy made take in college... of note, I was an international relations major
In other news, my wife's birthday is next Thursday. It doesn't seem like under the circumstances a gift would be all that appropriate, and I don't really think Hallmark covers things like this, so I'm kind of just leaning toward a friendly text - but I was curious what others thought?
Kolja,
My husband's birthday is next week as well, and I, too, am at a loss for what to do. Unfortunately, I've already purchased a present for him (in fact, I bought multiple presents, and was able to cancel one) that I cannot return. So, I guess I will present it to him as a friendly gesture, but I don't know if this is even appropriate!
Kolja,
My husband's birthday is next week as well, and I, too, am at a loss for what to do. Unfortunately, I've already purchased a present for him (in fact, I bought multiple presents, and was able to cancel one) that I cannot return. So, I guess I will present it to him as a friendly gesture, but I don't know if this is even appropriate!
Why don't you put the presents on the shelf for now, get him a card, and ask Chuck what he thinks given your circumstances?
^^sorry for the threadjack, Kolja! I think a text or an email would be appropriate, maybe not first thing in the morning but later in the day/evening.
Thanks verab - that's kind of my gut feeling; friendly/considerate without being over-the-top...
I helped my little ones get cards for their mom on her birthday.
I didn't get her anything myself or otherwise acknowledge her birthday through a text, email or phone call (I was in NC with her by this point). She later told me that she definitely felt the loss of her birthday passing without any acknowledgment of it from me and without me there.
I may be on the fringe with this perspective, but, act as if you were 10 years divorced. Would you send your 10-year ex a greeting? (some people would, some people wouldn't). Do whichever seems natural to you, but do not do it with the expectation that it will draw her to you or keep her from drifting farther away.
No little ones - other than her cats (which are at least nice company).
Interesting point about the 10 year ex. I'm cordial though not close with mine; I think I may have sent her a birthday text but I'm not sure. It's also interesting to hear your wife definitely noticed hers passing without acknowlegement.
I think I've managed to evict any expectations. Even in the somewhat friendly text messages (which looking back I realize may have been a painfully long reconstruction - sorry about that), the only 'expectation' per se is that she is able to get a glimpse that, as you put it, a day in the life of Kolja is a pretty good place to be; one of her complaints was I could get pretty negative at times - I'd like for her to see that's not the case anymore. She felt I had a serious drinking problem, so for her to know I'm in better shape, 'racing' and the like, is a 'good.' If wanting her to SEE that is an expectation then that's pretty much the only expectation I've got. What she decides based on seeing all that is something I don't really control.
Well, for my second half marathon, I managed a 1 minute improvement. I had rather hoped for a bigger step forward, but it's still in the right direction and I had fun. For my next one at the end of September, I'm going to try some speed work (the hills work I did this time around DID make the hills in Seattle less painful!). I spent some time with an intermediate speed program online last week and think I understand all the various short hand and whatnot.
Contact with the wife is more frequent and still friendly. No 'serious' or 'deep' talks about us and certainly nothing about giving things another shot, but I enjoy it for what it is.
Well, life has continued to be pretty decent. Since coming back from Seattle and the half marathon, I took a few days off from working out (figured I'd earned it!). Started back up again Thursday, with new running shoes. Figured I'd earned those too, and found a pretty good deal on them too (and quick shipping was icing on the cake).
On Monday, my former CO was in town to pick up things left in storage from his last move and a bunch of us met him for dinner. It was good to be together again, and I got a dose of "well it could be worse." One of the guys I had flown with in my former squadron got married last year and sadly in February or so his wife went WAY off the deep end - far worse than anything I've read here. She started making baseless accusations of domestic violence and the like, which is a HUGE deal in the military, so he's had to go through a lot of garbage. He's one of the kindest souls I've ever met, and fortunately had some witnesses to incidents she tried to cite, and he said at one point the judge looked at his soon-to-be-ex and flat out called her a liar. So in the long run he'll be alright, but has certainly had a rough spring. Definitely rougher than mine, even if I'd just as soon my marriage not go the way it has.
Wednesday a buddy of mine who, before the navy, worked in a bicycle shop, invited me to bring my bike over for a tune up. I had put a lot of mileage on it so it needed the work. Then we went out to dinner with a few other friends; it was a great evening.
Meanwhile, I finished and sent in the paperwork for the Housing Assistance Program which will let me sell my very-upside-down house in Nevada without declaring bankruptcy. My realtor thinks it will sell in four to six more weeks which will be nice - I've not had a renter in a few months and have been losing $1660 a month. Just being on my own now, I've been able to live relatively frugally and get by but it's going to be a HUGE relief (and huge help) getting out from under it.
Been making some more progress on various ongoing chores around the house, which is gratifying. And this afternoon the weather was finally nice so, after mowing the lawn, I went out for a ride on the Harley which is always good for my head.
In the When I got home, I cleaned out the mailbox at the end of the street. I don't use that address myself, because it's an unsecured mailbox out in the woods, but apparently that's the address she gave the court for me. I found a letter from the court a month ago offering a copy of the decree (for $15).
So, I guess we're no longer married. It's disappointing to be sure, but I was prepared for it, knowing it was a distinct possibility. And, it doesn't really change much for me. I told her I'd have to disenroll her as dependent, and she said 'whatever,' then later 'I don't have time to deal with this right now.' I'm not sure what that means, but it made me think of what 25yrsmlc has posted before about it not being our job to teach our spouses (or former spouses) a lesson, life does that.
I just wonder if I'm supposed to move over to the "Divorced but not done" forum...
I don't think you have to move.
So sorry that you had to receive the news in that way. Must have been very discouraging.((()))
But as most say, it's just a piece of paper and you proved that. You were carrying on your life, no change from day to day not even knowing you were D.
You've changed a lot of things about yourself since the bomb and I think that it resonates in your calm, measured, consistent approach to life now.
You now know what it takes to have a real relationship and how to avoid some of the pitfalls you found before.
When we know better we do better.
Good luck, Kolja and keep posting. Gunny still comes back and posts.
Kolja - I like what Labug had to say ^^^.
Regarding where you post next, I think that is entirely up to you. One could argue that you are a newcomer to "divorce" so you could easily stay here. Or not. The choice is yours. You'll get support no matter what. And there are different posters over there they may provide different help and support that you need.
My best advice for you right now is to continue to focus on you and the things that have been bringing you happiness these past several months.
I have found that when you stop looking over your shoulder, things in front of you have a way of getting your attention.
=@ @=
Thanks guys. This morning is just a bit of mild disappointment, as of course I'd have hoped to avoid this. A little frustration that instead of just sending me a copy of the decree, the county sent an 'order form' and the opportunity to give them more money for a copy. One more aspect of civil law that appears to just be a transparent money grab. Oh well.
But, certainly not despondent. I go to Japan for a 2-week work trip starting Saturday, a week after that I'm registered for a 10k as part of working up for the next half marathon I'd like to do.
I guess I'd illustrate where I am like this - the door is still open for her, but I'm not standing in the doorway expectantly while the rest of life rolls by...
the door is still open for her, but I'm not standing in the doorway expectantly while the rest of life rolls by...
...and don't be looking through the crack either!
Well, I mean it's OPEN... I don't need to
I'm in the other room, doing other stuff, in the meantime.
Hey Kolja, just getting up to date on your sitch. Enjoy Japan, glad to hear the running is going well. I got back in the saddle two weeks ago, slowly getting my milage and speed back up. Went running with this ultra beautiful long legged marathoner last week, (friend of mine)she is 28 and not even near hitting her running prime. We did 8 at about a 7:32 clip. She kept up nicely, pretty soon I think she will be running this old man into the ground, but dam@, it was fun being neck to neck with her for a while!! lol
Sorry your decree notification came that way, Kolja. It sounds like alot of other things are shaping up pretty well for you now.
And kudos to you for not owning or feeling responsible or, alternatively, feeling vindicated or gloating over your xW's apparent continued unhappiness. You seem to just see it for what it is and let it be hers -- that's the epitome of detachment.
What's up for you in Japan? Been there before? Stay away from Fukushima!
Thanks, bustorama-
Finding about the decree was followed up by my ex getting what seemed to be upset about my using her maiden name on her monthly check. Normally she'd never see it because I'd deposit it myself in the local branch of the bank she uses, but there's no such animal in Japan (or Hawaii for that matter, so I'd done it before - but we were still married then). Kind of a silly story really; in her original filing she requested her father's name be restored to her effective with the judgement. At the time I read that, I found that interesting because of the hurt/anger/lack of relationship/resentment/etc. When the time came to write the check, having discovered the judgement had been made, from what I understood the paperwork to be, I made it out to her maiden name. I wondered if she might even appreciate the gesture, but, thankfully didn't EXPECT. She emailed me in what I initially thought was an angry tone, as hard as it is to discern tone in email of course, that she hadn't changed her name yet, that I shouldn't have assumed, and now she can't deposit the check.
I feel my reply (again, tough to tell how someone will take it via email - and with our relationship where it is, I didn't think it was appropriate to call from Japan) was measured and calm. I explained I thought it happened in conjunction with the judgement and was sorry for the trouble it had caused. I said if it turned out the bank wouldn't take it, I'd run right to the bank as soon as I got back on Friday the 20th, only a few days late, really. In her reply to that, she again (for the third or fourth time) mentioned she 'had a lot going on.' I replied with something rather innocuous like 'just let me know' or something like that; not wanting to seem like I was outright ignoring her in her evidently tumultuous time, but not falling all overmyself. On top of DBing, there was a 16 hour time difference and I was there for work.
At the end of the day, now that I'm home and I was catching up with bills, I saw that her check had cleared. I knew it would, but didn't mention that a head of time (bit of a 180, or at least a 135 or so, because in times past I would have said something like "They'll take it once you explain it, it will be fine..." you know, something dismissive and so on). As, if not more, importantly, I have no intention of saying "I told you so."
Thanks for the kudos - I think there's two things going on. One is a combination of continuing/genuine affection and - as odd as it seems to apply the word to myself
- maturity. I still genuinely love her (to hijack the phrase, I'm not all that IN love with who she's been for a while). I wish her no ill because of that affection, and also because vindication isn't something that actually HELPS me here. It's not something to want.
The SECOND thing that's going on, that I was reflecting on before sitting down to reply, is thanks mainly to this board and the books. Absent those, even with affection and maturity (or at least the realization that vindictiveness is unhelpful), I would PROBABLY have felt that she needed 'to learn a lesson' or something like that - felt like she NEEDED this.
While it's true that a) for her own happiness and b) for us to have ANY hope of a new relationship some things would need to change for/in her (how she sees things, how she deals with things including but not limited to her past), one of the more profound things I came across here was something 25yrsmlc posted, quoting as I recall her own DB coach, saying that 'it's not our job to teach our walk away spouses a lesson - life does that.' I think that's really helped me to detach - since life does it, I don't have to really pay that much attention to it. It's not my business at this point (I almost wrote 'not my problem' but that might be a bit harsh, though no less accurate). I literally have no vested interest in the details, the ins and outs, of what's going on other than wishing well to someone I love.
Doesn't mean I don't think about it time to time. Not constantly, but sometimes (like when I'm mowing the lawn and the mind wanders). She's mentioned 'going through a lot' a few times now. Is it just the job search and finances, health care, etc? Is she dealing with things from her past? Reassessing her view of us? Maybe someday I'll know, maybe someday I won't. But, and I realize this might sound contradictory to what I said earlier about not feeling vindictive, it does make me realize that there IS still stuff "going on." And sure, that stuff may not bring her back down the road home to the door I've left open. But only time will show that.
But in the meantime, while the door swings metaphorically open...
Japan was pretty nice (wicked humid during the day which is not my comfort zone, but it was a short walk between where I slept and where I worked). The conference itself was underwhelming, but at least had normal 8 hour days and a free weekend in the middle. It was my third visit there, my first being in 96 for just a few days to meet a ship. Before we got underway, a few folks I fell in with (none of knowing each other previously, most of us never having been outside the US/Canada) did manage to make it Yokohama and back for a baseball game, but as far as experiencing Japan, that's about all there was. Second time was in 04 (clearly averaging visiting every 8 years). That was for an exercise, not a conference, and no sooner had I acclimated to the local time was I put on nights. We went out a few times, and someone previously stationed there took us out on a down day to a Korean BBQ (ironic), and I DID discover Kobe steak on that trip - but it was busy and the district outside the gate at that base (Yokota) didn't have as much as close as to the base as Yokosuka does. This time, with the free weekend, off at or before 4 every day, there was time to enjoy it more. I actually knew one of the other attendees, who was now stationed there the second time. So he showed me all sorts of great places to eat - my first exposure to Indian food, and also to Japanese curry (I thought only Indian food had curry). The club on base had a great Mongolian BBQ every Tuesday night, so I crushed that twice. And I discovered sushi-go-round. I can never remember what's in what kind of roll, so being able to grab what looks good as it goes by you was neat. Visited that twice too.
In perhaps unfortunate timing, I was also on a low-volume stint of running. Before the 2nd half marathon a month ago, there were starting to be some nagging signs of fatigue which I managed to power through hoping against hope to avoid any kind of actual injury. So after the big race I dialed it back and have been breaking in a new pair of shoes (pretty sure the annoying hip and other aches had at least something to do with wore out shoes) with shorter runs. But today I tore off a 5 miler, next weekend I'll do a 10K race and from then on I'll be on 2 months of intervals, tempos etc(with a smattering of distance) before the Bellingham Bay half marathon.
Next trip is actually in a week; 29th-3rd but this one is to Scott AFB, east of East St Louis. Certainly not as exciting as Hawaii or Japan. But then, I'm back to Hawaii later in the month so there's that...
...also, wondering if I set a PR for longest post
In her reply to that, she again (for the third or fourth time) mentioned she 'had a lot going on.' I replied with something rather innocuous like 'just let me know' or something like that; not wanting to seem like I was outright ignoring her in her evidently tumultuous time, but not falling all overmyself. On top of DBing, there was a 16 hour time difference and I was there for work.
It's hard to know what her repeatedly saying "I have alot going on" means. If a buddy of yours or cousin of yours kept saying something like that to you, would you handle it the same way as you have with her so far?
While her unhappiness or her having alot going on is not your responsibility, it is ok to still interact with her about that or other things going on in her life (if it is something you care about). Even if she is your ex, you do have that affection for her, and it is ok to express that if that is what you want to do and the sort of interaction you'd want with her going forward. Or maybe you don't want that right now?
Like I could see you just validating it by acknowledging it/reiterating it:
Yeah, it sounds like you have a lot going on there. Just let me know how you'd like me to handle the check.
Or even:
Yeah, it sounds like you have alot going on there. Anything you want to talk about?
Expresses that you care about her. Nothing more, nothing less.
At the end of the day, now that I'm home and I was catching up with bills, I saw that her check had cleared. I knew it would, but didn't mention that a head of time (bit of a 180, or at least a 135 or so, because in times past I would have said something like "They'll take it once you explain it, it will be fine..." you know, something dismissive and so on).
That's good!
I don't have to really pay that much attention to it. It's not my business at this point (I almost wrote 'not my problem' but that might be a bit harsh, though no less accurate). I literally have no vested interest in the details, the ins and outs, of what's going on other than wishing well to someone I love.
Yes, the finest line of detachment is that while you are totally right that it is not 'your responsibility, your business, your vested interest' does not mean that you do not in some way care and wish well to her as someone that you love. Alot of people have trouble getting that it is ok to care about and wish well to them even as you are detached from them. It is even ok to express that caring.
More later
Interesting question you pose - I suspect that if it were a friend stating it over and over, I'd have asked by now. Something I'll consider next time she brings it up, that's for sure.
Which makes me think that next conversation will be interesting. Now that I have the actual settlement in my possession, I have to go to personnel and make her officially not a dependent. Because of the short duration of the marriage, her health coverage will immediately end. I figure it would be only right for me to tell her. And while I realize it's not my problem, I'm still not looking forward to THAT conversation.
Notifying her that she wasn't a dependent anymore (ie, no benefits) wasn't ACTUALLY as bad as I thought it was. I texted just to let her know after I got home the day I did it, and the next day she simply replied "K"
While I feel like it might be a long time before I hear from her again, at least it wasn't a big blow up.
Today I went into personnel to change my dependent data and emergency information (who gets notified and who gets the money if anything happens to me), which wasn't the most pleasant thing in the world but could have been worse. The one downside is that, since the decree was actually dated 25 May, I was getting too much housing allowance for June and July (the military gives you more housing money if you have dependents). So, in addition to getting $400 less income a month starting in a couple paydays, I now also owe the government $780. They won't take it out of my pay for a couple months and they'll spread it out over a couple paydays so it's actually not that big of a deal.
On the way out of the building, I happened to witness a car back into a parked motorcycle in the parking lot and tip it over. I stayed to give a witness statement. Only cosmetic damage to the bike, but a rough day for both involved. It served to keep things in perspective - if it were MY bike that had been knocked over (or if I'd been the one knocking someone else's motorcycle over), I'd have felt worse about that than I did about changing my records and finding out I owe money. Someone's always got it worse...
Kolja, good job getting out of your own head and showing compassion for others.
It's been a busy stretch, but thought I'd offer another quick update.
Ran a 10K on the 28th, got in just under an hour so I was pretty happy about that. I'd have been even faster if not for a bit of a gimp in my right foot - seems I had a strain or something like that. I took the following week off which seemed to help it feel better - I ran again Saturday for 5 miles, and it still felt 'different' than my other foot, but not painful - and no limping!
The very next day I was on the road again, attending a conference in SW Illinois (about 30 mi east of St Louis). Came home Friday, and Saturday I was at a wedding. The groom was a friend of mine I've served with on two separate tours. It was a really small wedding so I was pretty flattered to have been invited. It was also informal and non-traditional enough to not be too uncomfortable for anyone in my circumstances.
Yesterday just did some shopping and work on the motorcycle - the front tire had worn its tread down to the point of needing to be replaced, and it was due for an oil change. It was so nice up here that I would have rather been riding, but swinging wrenches isn't a bad substitute (and someday I'll figure out how to change the primary chaincase oil without making a big mess on the garage floor).
Home for two weeks now, which will be nice. Then off to Hawaii again for a week (and hoping that the lodging on base will be full again so I can 'live' on Waikiki like last time...)
Of note, today would have been our second anniversary. I remarked on it to a couple friends 'in the real world' but that's about it. It's not actually all that bad of a day.
Today's going to be my first interval run, in an attempt to get a little faster for the next half marathon.
It's still an out of the ordinary day.
Good luck on the run!
Good luck on the 5k my friend, a worthy cause!
S/F
Thanks, Gunny! Optomistic that it might even be a PR
Quick update time -
Not much to say about the marriage, or former marriage, as the case may be. Haven't heard from the ex (not pleasant to think of her that way, but at least shorter to type :P) in over three weeks, which is probably the way it needs to be for now. I know her younger niece is visiting, which I'm sure will be nice for her because I have to imagine she misses her family up here. Her oldest niece, last I heard, was still pretty upset with her over her decision. I've also heard she got a new job which is good since she's been without one since early June and I have to figure it's hard to live on just the $750 I give her each month. One shudders to think of the debt she may be racking up just feeding herself, but on the other hand that's not really my problem at the moment.
Work continues to go well - some occaisional 'fires' to be put out (not real ones), but so far I've managed to avoid any major catastrophes. Next work trip is coming up this Sunday - back to Hawaii. As I mentioned on jbnati's thread, I'm in a 5K this weekend benefitting the Semper Fi fund for wounded Marines and will do a 15K the weekend after Labor Day, and at the end of September my next half. I found a new training program on the internet that has me incorporating tempo runs and intervals, so hoepfully the next try will see me making more than a minute improvement. Got my bicycle back from a friend (who worked in a bike shop in college) who did a comprehensive tune-up so I can take advantage of the nice weather a little more. Swimming continues, though I have had to do a little less of it over the summer so it will be interesting to see if I can break my score from last spring's PT test.
A coworker of mine has a wife who's a trainer at the base gym, and the lady she works for (facility manager) and I have started talking a bit. Certainly nothing serious and I definitely wouldn't say I'm 'dating' - though on the other hand, yesterday afternoon on the way to the track I popped my head in just to say hi and wound up shooting the breeze in her office for 2 1/2 hours. My buddy's wife says she IS the talkative type, but either way it's refreshing to converse with a woman who doesn't look at me like I'm the sole reason for her unhappiness. If nothing else, it helps maintain a good mood and mental attitude!
I finished the Major Megan McClung Memorial run in 27:18; a sub 9:00 pace is pretty quick for me so I was happy. I wound up 21st out of 76 which was a bit of a milestone because in past runs I've generally been middle third, not front third. I also took third place in my division - but that just makes me wonder what division I'm in, precisely.
Now some quick errands then I have to get hussied up for a military ball (it's not optional for us - even though I have to leave early in the morning). There's a potential for wife-related sentimentality (one year it was one of our first dates, another year it was shortly after our wedding and almost like a sequel to the reception). But I'm not really DREADING it per se - partly because I'm on the road again to catch an airport shuttle at 3am so I'm going to be getting out of there as soon as the dinner is cleared and the formal program is done so I can finish packing and get to sleep!!
Kolja,
Glad to hear you are talking with the female types, like you said, if nothing else, helps keep your mind occupied. It can do wonders for you, keep us posted! Outstanding job on the run!
S/F
Great job on the 5K, kolja! Congratulations!
Quick update - things have been busy. The week back in Hawaii was great; came back home, and the change of command finally happened and went off more or less without a hitch. I ran a 15k, then was on the road again off to Nevada for a couple weeks.
Speaking of Nevada, the government determined I was in fact eligible for the Defense Department's housing assistance program, and they've obligated funds for the sale of my house down there. So that will be off my hands by the end of the calendar year. December is also the last alimony payment I make, so the first of the year will see a ~$2400 bump in cash flow for me. Might even get myself a new car...
Another half marathon this weekend...